Family Guy/Season 2

He that plants trees loves others besides himself.
English Proverb

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Contents

Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: [does so] Your eggs are cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie: IMBECILE! Freeze it, then cut it! Question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you!

Ted Turner: I, I, I'd like to announce I've given a gift the whole world can appreciate. I've colorized the moon.

Stewie: [rings three different bells summoning three butlers] You! Bring me the Wall Street Journal. You two! Fight to the death.

Peter: Hey, old bean. What are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
Brian: Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City he saw that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself. You're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.
Peter: [his left hand is inside his sleeve to insinuate that it has been cut off] That's not true! That's impossible!

Peter: Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.
[Cutaway to Peter in court with his hand on the Bible.]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Peter: I do. ...You bastard.

Guest on Ricki Lake: Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis.

Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.
Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.

This House is Freakin' Sweet
Maids and Butlers [M&B]: We only live to kiss your ass
Butler: Kiss it? Oh, we'll even wipe it for you.
M&B: From here on in it's easy street
Peter: Any bars on that street?
Butler: 24 happy-hours a day.
Peter: Oh, boy!
M&B: We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate [one man comes up to the gates]
Guard: Can I see that phamphlet, sir? [smacks him with it]
Peter: My God, this house is freakin' sweet!
Chef: I make brunch, Clyde cooks lunch
Chef & Clyde: Each and every day
Blake: Chocolate cake, a la Blake
Peter: Hundred bucks, Blake is gay
M&B: We'll do the best we can with Meg
Meg: Are you saying I'm ugly?
Maid: It doesn't matter, dear; you're rich now.
M&B: [to Lois] We'll do your nails and rub your feet
Lois: Oh, that's not necess- [one butler rubs her feet] Oh, my!
M&B:: [to Chris] We'll do your homework every night
Chris: It's really hard.
Butler: That's why we got that Stephen Hawking guy.
Peter: My God, this house is freakin' sweet!
Peter: Used to pass, lots of gas
Lois ran away
Now we got, thirty rooms
Hello beans, goodbye spray.
M&B: We'd take a bullet just for you
Stewie: Oh, what a coincidence; I've got one! [pulls Rupert's head off, revealing a gun]
Lois: Stewie!
M&B: Prepare to suck that golden teat
Now that you're stinking rich
We'll gladly be your bitch
Peter: My God this house, is
Peter and M&B: Freakin' Sweet!
M&B: Welcome!

Maid: All right, that's a wrap people! Now let's get the hell out of here.
Peter: W-w-wait! You're all leavin'?
Maid: The old broad only paid us up for the song.
Lois: Well, that's okay. I'm sure we can all just pick up after ourselves.
Peter: No, no, Lois. It's time you started living like the Pieceofschmidt you are.
Lois: That's Pewterschmidt!
Peter: [to servants] Everyone! Everyone! You're all full-time servants to the Griffin family!
Lois: Peter, how can we afford all those people?
Peter: Simple.... I sold our house in Quahog.
Lois: YOU SOLD OUR HOME?!
Peter: [weakly] Surprise!
Lois: Peter, how could you?!
Peter: Whoops.
[Music starts up again]
Peter: I recognize that tone
Tonight I sleep alone
But still, this
Peter and M&B: house is freakin' sweet!

[in the dining room]
Lois: [at one end of the table; on the phone] We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed.
Meg: [at the other end of the table; on the phone] Ugh, Quahog? That one-horse town?
[Cutaway to an empty street; a horse is standing there.]
Horse: Hey, shut up! No, you shut up! No, you shut up! You shut up, you're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here! LOOK, EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! [gasps] What's that? The wind...

Lois: Oh, I wish we'd never come here in the first place.
Peter: Oh, pshoff. [hands her some money] Here, go buy yourself some more money.

Holy Crap

Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillows...

Peter: My dad worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!

Meg: Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears.
Chris: I know. They're like a big, gray enchanted forest.
Lois: Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross. And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.
[camera zooms in on his ears, revealing two elves]
Elf 1: [in elf language] Let us run to the meadow and dance.
Elf 2: [in elf language] You first. I'm self-conscious.

Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 AM Mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 AM. What else haven't you told me?!

Francis: [knocks on the bathroom door with newspaper] Hey! Hurry up in there!
Chris: Just a minute! [toilet flushes]
[Chris opens the door.]
Chris: You should probably wait a few minutes before going in there. [waves his hand in front of his nose]
Francis: I know what you were doing in there and you should be ashamed. God is watching you, and what you were doing is a sin. [continues to ramble on and eventually walks off]
Chris: [makes a face of astonishment] God watches me go number two? I'm a sinner and God is a pervert.

Stewie: [watching baseball] Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me!

Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back... I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.

Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined: this cock. [pulls a chicken out] Yes, The Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster". Diane?

Stewie: [reading the Bible] My, my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in Winnie-the-Pooh.
Chris: Ohh... Please, don't say "pooh".

Peter: [exhausted from work; referring to Francis] He's turning the breakroom into a chapel.
Lois: A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?
Peter: Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me and Dad have never been closer.

[Peter imagines Hell]
Peter: Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, hey, what- what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Stewie: Yes, the fat man's going to hell. And by the look of his midsection he'll burn like a tire dump for all eternity. I love God, he's so deliciously evil!

Peter: [sees the Pope on TV] Hey, I just got a crazy idea... [grabs a waffle iron and presses his hand in it] Ah! Why?! Why?! Why?! Hey, I just got another crazy idea. [leaves]

Peter: To the Popemobile!

Peter: We all enjoy the Bible in this house.
Francis: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter: Uh...that one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Da Boom

Diane: And that concludes our salute to the past 1000 years.
Tom: We leave you this New Year's Eve with some of the people we've lost this millenium.

Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Chicken Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
Peter: Nooooo! [runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Chicken Man] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Lois: [calling upstairs] Peter, come on! You've had a thousand years to get ready for this party! [to Brian] It always takes him so long to get dressed.
[Cutaway to Lois in the bathroom, looking at her watch. She is wearing a purple striped dress, high heels and a necklace.]
Lois: Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?
[Peter enters, wearing the exact same outfit Lois is wearing, stitch for stitch.]
Peter: [after noticing what Lois is wearing] Aw, crap. Well, one of us is gonna have to change. [Lois just looks at him, disapprovingly. He sighs and rolls his eyes, then turns around] Unzip me.

Lois: Peter, you've been down there all day. I hope you're already- [Peter comes out of the basement in a radiation suit.] Aaah!
Chris: Oh, my God! The government is here! Run, E.T., run! [E.T. appears and runs away, screaming]

Peter: [to Brian, Meg, Chris and Stewie] You know that one Christmas present you really wanted but didn't get?
Meg: A phone?
Chris: A pony?
Brian: A humidor?
Stewie: A dead Lois?
Peter: Yeah, well, it's in the basement. C'mon, let's see!
[Brian, Meg, Chris and Stewie go into the basement, each talking about what they want.]
Lois: Peter, if you wanna stay here, that's fine, but we're going to the party. Kids?
Peter: Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois: No. [Peter shoves Lois down basement stairs]

Lois: ...And shame on you, Peter! Scaring the kids with your nuclear holocaust nonsense!
Peter: [laughs] You said "nuclear". It's "nuc-u-lar", dummy, the "s" is silent!

Peter: Hey, Lois, you remember when I was the third Hardy Boy?
Lois: Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy.
Peter: Oh, really? Just like there was no apocalypse, he shoots he scores!

Lois: [to Quagmire and Cleveland, who are fused together] Well, we just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think back on all the food we've wasted in this house...
[Cutaway to Peter, kneeling in front of the TV with an open can of beans and a spoon. Magnum P.I. is showing.]
Peter: [holding a spoonful of beans] Here, Tom Selleck. Come on. [tries to "feed" Selleck, only leaving a glob of beans on the T.V.] Down the hatch. [The show suddenly changes to an image of Johnathan Higgins.] Come on, you - Hey, HEY, HEY!! None for you, Higgins! Tryin' to steal Tom Selleck's food? NO! NO! You've had yours.
[Cut back to the Griffins' kitchen, present day.]
Lois: Thank goodness Peter bought a huge supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. [Peter sits at the kitchen table, polishing off the last of many boxes of dehydrated meals.] Peter, what are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter: Huh. What a waste of money. I’m still hungry. [drinks a glass of water, bloats up to 4x his size] Everyone leave, I have to poop...NOW! [they run out of the room]

[Peter and Brian have come across the destroyed news station to find Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons eating what appears to be ribs.]
Tom Tucker: So, what do you think, Diane? Can I cook, or what?
Diane Simmons: Delicious, Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks. [they both laugh]
Brian: Oh, my God! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa!
Peter: That's crazy! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour!

Lois: Well, good-bye, sweet home. Maybe someday, we'll return.
Peter: Hey, Joe, could you keep an eye on the place?
[Cut to Joe, who is melted halfway into Peter's driveway.]
Joe: I might as well. I'm melted to the ground.
Meg: [scattering rat traps around Joe] There you go, Mr. Swanson. These ought to keep the rats away.
Joe: Thanks, hon'. Stay in school. [Meg gets in the car and the Griffins drive away. Seconds later, a giant rat shows up, roars at Joe, and swats away one of the rat traps.] Bring it OOOONNNNN!

[Peter and Joe are playing cards with Cleveland and Quagmire, who are fused together.]
Quagmire: Eh, I fold. [puts down his cards, then turns to Cleveland] Hey, c'mon, let's go home and "get tender" with your wife.
Cleveland: I don't know, Quagmire. Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy.
[Cutaway to a side view of Cleveland and Loretta in bed, ready to make love. Quagmire's head can be seen poking out off the side of the bed, from under the sheets.]
Quagmire: Heh, heh. Allll riiight.

Peter: [after being thrown out of "New" Quahog] Geez, I haven't been thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the Bulimia Clinic.
[Cutaway to a room where there are bulimics sitting in chairs in a semicircle. Peter enters.]
Peter: Oh man, did anybody else throw up after eating that fish last night?

Brian in Love

Stewie: How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with: "Eliminate."

Chris: [on the phone] So, uh... what are you wearin'? [laughs] Wow, I bet you could see right through that!
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.

Bob Barker: Join us tomorrow for more "Price is Right". This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population, have your pet spayed or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die already.

Meg: Ew, Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again!
Brian: [pretending to be shocked] No!
Lois: Oh, this has got to stop.
Meg: [sniffs Rupert, who is covered in pee] God, it smells gross.
Brian: Well, princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears.
Lois: That's odd, it looks like someone already tried to clean it up.
Brian [quickly]: No, it doesn't.
Chris: Mine smells like soda.

Peter: Come on, Stewie. Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl like a big boy? I remembered when I learn to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Cutaway to a young Peter, holding a lolipop. After a moment, the camera zooms out to reveal it's actually just a picture on the wall, and it is present day with Lois on the couch]
Peter: [runs in the room and zips his fly] Hey, Lois. I did it!

Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you some beer. It goes right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: ...Y-yeah?
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY! Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be DAMN GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! Starting right... [strains for a moment; nothing happens.] Well, not now... BUT SOON!

Brian: So, what do you think?
Dr. Kaplan: I think you're very sensitive, and you put up a tough front. I think you're in pain.
Brian: [begins to choke up] Damn it, Brian, do not cry.
Dr. Kaplan: I'd like to pet you, Brian. Would that be okay? [Brian nods slowly. Dr. Kaplan pets him softly with his left hand] You're a good dog, Brian. [his right hand moves toward his midsection] A very good-
Brian: Keep it above the waist, doc.

Tom Tucker: And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist and that just happens to be Glen's fetish.

Peter: Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives.
[a black-and-white photo of Dan Rather, then-Anchor of CBS Evening News, appears on screen]

[Brian, while driving, runs over a man]
Brian: Oh, my God, are you Stephen King?
Dean Koontz: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
Brian: Oh. [he gets back in his car, then backs over him again]

Brian: [referring to Dr Kaplan] He thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh, my God...you can talk!
Brian: [glares at him for several seconds] Never mind.

Diane Simmons: And now part three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that, you might ask? Well, I'm about to find out. [starts taking her clothes off] I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover. [winks]
Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before. Olé!

Meg: Then, Brittany and Amber were, like, "Let's go to the mall", so I was, like, "Okay, I'll go to the mall." But then, Amber wasn't gonna go, so I went to the mall, and you're not gonna believe it- they both showed up!
Peter: Hold on, Meg, I'm sorry, th-that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[Cutaway to the drive in. An action movie is playing, complete with guns firing. Peter sits in his car, facing the opposite direction of the movie]
Peter: This sucks!

Stewie: Up, up! Stewie wants to go uppie!
Lois: Oh, you want me to pick you up, sweetie?
Stewie: Mama's skin's so soft.
Lois: My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. [does so; Brian gets mad]
Stewie: Another, another! Yes! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian: [stands up and knocks his fist on the table] All right! That's enough! [pause; everyone stares at him] I-I mean, would you all excuse me, please? [exits room]
Lois: Stewie, did...did you unhook Mommy's bra?

Brian: Lois... did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be?
Lois: [realizes where he's going] Oh...oh God...sometimes, it's best not to ask those questions. [Brian looks down in disappointment] Sometimes, we should cherish what we already have, like a very special friendship. Let's say, like the one you and I share, that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world.
Brian: [a little happier] Someone like me wouldn't change it for anything in the world, either.
Lois: I'm glad. [Brian leaves, and she goes back to folding the laundry. He comes back a few seconds later]
Brian: Okay, j-just to be clear, we-we were talking about me being in love with you, and-and you rejecting me, right?
Lois: Yes.
Brian: I'm just making sure. [he leaves, then comes back] Say we were both drunk, and we knew we wouldn't remember...?
Lois: [chuckles] Well, I'd have to be really, really... No!

Peter: Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend?
Brian: We decided to stay good friends. I found out that there are a lot of different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was.
Peter: So she dumped you, huh? The hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right.

Love Thy Trophy

Lois: Peter, it's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric?
Peter: Esoteric...?
[inside Peter's head]
Man 1: Could it mean sexy?
Man 2: I think it's a science term.
Man 3: Fellas, fellas, "esoteric" means delicious.
[back to reality]
Peter: Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food.
Brian: Swing and a miss.

Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s, I was always in bed by eight...and home by eleven! Oh!

Kevin Swanson: My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once."
Cleveland Jr.: My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!"

[Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe are grabbing the trophy they won]
Peter: There's only one way to settle this. [pulls out a revolver; everyone gasps] Russian roulette. [spinning the bullet compartment] Three bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy. [points revolver at his head] Me first! No, no, no, wait a minute, this is crazy. [hands gun to Quagmire] You first.

Waitress: Here you go, hun. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan!
Waitress: Try 'em. You'll like 'em.
Stewie: Yes, well, I rather doubt that. [takes a bite of the pancakes]
Stewie: Oh, oh yes! These are delectable. Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you!

Quagmire: [after running out of his house in a nightrobe] What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk- [sees the ladies] -ed out of a sound sleep!

[All the neighbors are arguing over the missing trophy. The background changes to black and white and the camera turns to reveal Rod Serling]
Rod Serling: I offer you a recipe: Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is gumbo fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively in The Twilight Z-
Peter: [offscreen] Hey, who the hell is that? I'll bet he took the trophy! Get him!
[The neighbors chase after Serling]

Stewie: [to Meg] Giddyup, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! HYAAH!

Meg: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie?
Stewie: What's that? Oh, yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!
Meg: This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in three weeks. Well, here's your check, God bless. [the customers pull out big tips for her]
Waitress: Here, honey. [hands Stewie more pancakes]
Stewie: What's this? Blueberries? Oh! Oh, my...that's better than sex!

Quagmire: Well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass!

[a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit]
Lois: How dare you! This is a wonderful home!
[A gunshot is heard offscreen.]
Peter: [offscreen] Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again and that'll be your head!
Quagmire: [offscreen] Hey, shut up!

Lois: How in the world did you make $1100 as a waitress in one week?
Meg: It's easy...when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby...hehehehehe...
Peter: Wait a minute, Meg, when did you become a teenager?
Lois: She's 16, Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?

Stewie: Good God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad.

Chris: So this is where babies come from?
Brian: Yes, Chris, this is where babies come from.
Chris: [to Lois] You told me I came out of your vagina!

Stewie: Damn it! I want pancakes! God, you people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!
Sarah: Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack."

Peter: Y-you told Child Services that we steal lawnmowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named "Stan."
Bonnie: Uh, actually, I said "Satan". That's a typo.
Quagmire: Well, we- we didn't know who that woman was. It's not our fault!
Lois: No? Then who's fault is it?
Brian: It's all of yours! You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy! You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships.
Lois: Brian's right! Oh, we were so obsessed with that trophy that we lost sight of what was really going on! Well, now we have a real problem to deal with.
Peter: That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax...Joe. [he points at Joe; Lois folds her arms in disgust] And we have to get Stewie back! [to Lois] I remembered.
Cleveland: Well, we're here to help, and we must get our baby back!
Joe: Right on! Let's do it! ROCK THAT WORLD! ROCK THEIR WORLD!
[Everyone stares at first, then murmurs in agreement.]

Indian Child: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian Child: Li, would your people really do this?
Stewie: Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who will in turn sell them to Yuri's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you understand, yes? You all hate each other.
[all the other children start crying]

[Peter has just come down through the chimney to "rescue" Stewie.]
Stewie: Oh, Hosannah, it's the lesser of two evils.
Peter: Oh uh, hey, kids, I'm- I'm Santa Claus, just practicing up for Christmas.
Indian Child: But, you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
Black Child: Don't be stupid. Santa is black!
Indian Child: Santa can't be black; we do not fear him.
Asian Child: Cram it, Ghandi! Santa is Asian.
Mexican Child: How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice-paddy, Mulan!
[The children start fighting as Peter carries Stewie away.]
Peter: C'mon, Stewie, we're outta here.
Stewie: Dance, puppets, dance!

Stewie: Don't shoot! [undoes his suspenders, falling out of Peter's hands clad only in a diaper] Now shoot!

Peter: To our neighbors. Sure, they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out...some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Joe: Here, here! [Meg is crying during the toast]
Cleveland: Hey, where's Quagmire?
Lois: Yeah, if it wasn't for him, we never would've found out where Stewie's foster family lived.
Peter: I think he said he was going to distract that social worker.
[Cut to Quagmire's bedroom, where Quagmire enters in a robe, holding a martini, with the Social Worker in his heart-shaped bed.]
Social Worker: Glenn, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Hey, I've got a question for you, too. Why are you still here?

Death is a Bitch

Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. Booby...

[at a coffin store]
Peter: I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs $1,000.
Peter: Okay, $70.
Salesman: What?
Peter: $2,000.
Salesman: That's twice the cost!
Peter: $40.
Salesman: What?
Brian: He- he doesn't know how to haggle.

Peter: Family, I know I don't say this often enough, but...I'm gonna die!
Lois: OH MY GOD!
Stewie: High-five! Anyone?...anyone?

Peter: No. I am not going to see a doctor, Lois. The healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid.
[A squid is in front of them; he hits the table and throws off all the dishes]
Lois: Earthquake.
Peter: Truck going by.

Dr. Hartman: This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all...
Lois: Oh!
Dr. Hartman: [shows a child-like drawing of himself] My-my Nephew drew my portrait; it doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, look at the nose, it's all-
Lois: WILL YOU JUST TELL US ABOUT PETER'S TESTS?!
Dr. Hartman: Okay, okay. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute, how the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Dr. Hartman: ...Can't-can't it be both?

Peter: Wait a second, that's it. They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I got to do is write "deceased" right here where it says name, and where it says "sex", I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof.

Stewie: But you promised the fat one would perish!
Lois: I know, isn't it wonderful? Your father is alive and well [looks at everyone] and we can be a family for a good long--
[knocking is heard]
Peter: [opens the door, and sees Death] Who- who are you?
Death: I'm Calista Flockhart, who the Hell do you think I am? I'm Death! [walks inside] Which one of you is Peter Griffin?
Peter: Uhh... [points at Chris] he is.
Death: [looks at Chris and Peter] Come on man, which one of you is Peter Griffin?
Peter: Uhh... [holds up a lamp] this is Peter Griffin.
Death: AHAHAHAHA! Thats a good one! HAHAHAHA!
Lois: What are you-
Death: Hold on! Hold on, I haven't finished holding my sides. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lois: Why are you-
Death: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lois: Why-
Death: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Eha eheh...
Lois: Why are you here? The doctor said that Peter was fine!
Death: Oh, the doctor! Well I guess he must know, right? I mean, he's a doctor and everything, and I'm just uh, Death!
Stewie: [to Death] Hello, I'm Stewie. Big fan.
Peter: Look, Death, you made a mistake, I'm not supposed to be dead.
Death: Oh yeah? [pulls out a form] Then what do you call this?
Lois: [looks at report] Peter, is that your handwriting?
Peter: [laughs nervously] How- how did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Peter: Well, look, I know my doctor was hitting on me but you don't have to call him names!
Lois: I don't care what that says, you can't take him away!
Stewie: MOTHER! Don't be impolite with our guest! Would you care for some dinner, Death?
Death: No, no... I don't want to be a bother. [sniffs the air, and looks at Lois] Hey, is that turkey?
Lois: [folds her arms] Yes, Death, we were in the middle of a turkey dinner. To celebrate Peter's good health.
Death: Oh, you don't mind, do you?
Stewie: Mind? Of course not, it would be an honor, no a privilege, and- or dear listen to me prattling on like a school girl, come come! [claps hands and looks at Lois and Peter] You there! Heat up some gravy for our guest, my last helping of turkey was dryer than Oscar Wilde!

Death: Aw great, the whole world is laughing at me; this is high school all over. Well I'll show them, I'll show ALL of them OH MY GOD THAT HURTS!

Peter: Now that I've been given a second chance, I'm gonna do what I always wanted to do! [scene change to Peter standing in front of a building] I'm gonna jump off that building!

Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly girl and her paralyzed-but-trusting cousin for this?

[Playing the Game of Life]
Death: Yeah, I know I should find this ironic, but really I'm just bored as hell.

Death: What did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: [inhales] If you want me to make it again, I...
Death: Sorry, Lois it's my fault. I just assumed you were going to make it with milk. Not crap.
Lois:: [gritting her teeth] I'll be right back...

Peter: [drunk; to a biker playing pool] Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?
Biker: Hey! [hits him with pool cue; Peter is unphased]
Peter: [to another biker] Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend...Richard Simmons?

Death: [in a car rocking back and forth] Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy! Oh... [Sandy falls silent] Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! ...Or am I? [car continues rocking]

Death: [to Lois] Okay, okay, I'll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift. [Lois slowly starts undoing her shirt] What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup. Not bad, though.

Diane Simmons: Our own Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!
Tricia Takanawa: Thanks Diane. I'm standing here at the bar where townsperson Peter Griffin claimed to have withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die. Peter, you're telling me if I shot you with this channel 5 pistol you will be completely unharmed?
Peter: Why don't you give it a shot? [Trisha shoots Peter in the head] Ah ah ah! Oh god! Oh god! [people panicking] Ah... [laughs] Ah just kidding.

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England...

Death: I got it! I'm a genius! You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
Peter: I knew it! the moment that show came on the air, I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
Lois: It's true, he did say it.

Peter: [after touching a plant and killing it] Note to self: Do not go to the bathroom.

Peter: No there's no way I'm getting on that plane and that's final. [scene appears to switch to Peter still in the room] See I'm still here and there's nothing you can say to make me go.
Death: Either you kill them or I kill you.
[scene switches again to Peter on the plane]

Death: Listen, Peter, without death, the world would be a terrible place. Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive.
[Cutaway to "Hitler", his own talk show.]
Adolf Hitler: [voice-over] Today on "Hitler", we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk, Christian Slater.
Adolf Hitler: Now, they tell me, in your next movie, we get to see your butt.
Christian Slater: [laughs] Yes, uh, yes you do.
Adolf Hitler: Can...can we see it right now?
Christian Slater: Hmm...well, alright, Hitler.
Adolf Hitler: Oh! Oh! He's going to do it!
Adolf Hitler: [voice-over] If you're going to be in the Los Angeles area, und would like tickets to "Hitler", call 213-DU WÜRDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!! [Translation: 213-YOU WILL NEED A NURSE!!]

Peter [about the cast of Dawson's Creek] If they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays... [his eyes slowly turn toward the screen] Other than the fine programs on FOX...

Stewie: [to Death] We can stay in touch can't we? Oh oh oh, what's your e-mail? Mine is LoisMustDie - all one word - at yahoo.com.

The King is Dead

Lois: Peter, a lot of creative people have mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry, Herman Melville was a customs agent, Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.
[Cutaway]
Albert Einstein: And vat is it you want to patent, Herr Smith?
Mr. Smith: I call it, "Smith's Theory of Relativity."
Albert Einstein: [looks it over] Hey, look at this.
Mr. Smith: What? [puts his head in the window for a better look. Einstein smashes his head 3 times with the window shutter. He looks around for witnesses, then runs off with the papers]

Peter: You're right, Lois, Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks.
[Cutaway to heaven. God pulls out some Shrinky Dinks out of an oven]
God: It works! Look how tiny they are- [Albert Einstein comes up behind Him and smashes His head 3 times with the oven door. Einstein looks for witnesses, then runs off with the Shrinky Dinks]

Lois: Stewie, do you want to try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie: [he takes his blankie and stuffs it in his back] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York. And all the-"
Lois: Why don't you sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
Stewie: How DARE you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois: Oh, sing "Baa-Baa Black Sheep"!
Stewie: You know, mother, as First Lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"

Peter: Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity like you said. First I took an art class...
[Cutaway to Peter in Art class. A naked man stands in the middle]
Peter: [whispers to woman] Am I...am I supposed to draw the penis?
[Back to present]
Peter: ...then I tried sculpting...
[Cutaway to Peter sculpting. Another naked man stands in the middle]
Peter: [whispers to woman] Am I...am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
[Back to present]
Peter: ...then I tried music...
[Cutaway to Music class. Peter stands in the middle as conductor]
Peter: [whispers to woman] Am I...am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
[Back to present]
Peter: I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. But then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage!

Peter: I don't get it Lois. I'm not the King. I'm not I. I'm not anybody. So what, I had sex with you for nothing?

Peter: Well, what am I supposed to do with all my great ideas, put 'em in a tub and clean myself with 'em? 'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.

Diane Simmons: [to Peter] You don't look anything like the ad. [looks around] You better be huge.

Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom?
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? [Diane tries to smile sweetly]

Diane Simmons: [to Loretta] They did an all- "you-people" version of Hello, Dolly! that was very successful.

Peter: I thought you wanted to do a good show. Well, if you wanna do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent?

Stewie: [shoots food at Peter] You! You, are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber! [shoots food at Lois] And you... Well, I just plain don't like you.

Peter: Art, shmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare.
[Cutaway to monkeys in a room with a computer]
Monkey 1: Uh, let's see, "a something by any other name..."
Monkey 2: Carnation? Peony...
Monkey 3: No, they did that on last week's "Marlowe".
Monkey 4: Uh, what about, uh, daisy?
Monkey 5: Chrysanthemum?
Monkey 2: Iris? Rose? What about rose?
Monkey 1: Did you say rose? Rose...
Monkey 4: Rose is good.
Monkey 1: "A rose by any other name..." Yeah, that works, alright. [they all agree] Moving on...
Monkey 5: Hey, what about tulip?
Monkey 1: Rose is fine. Moving on...

Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
Peter: That's not true! I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities.
Lois: No you didn't.
Peter: ...You win this round, Lois.
Lois: You're not being creative, you're just destroying a wonderful show.
Peter: Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9 AM.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 AM is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] Oh, ha, ha. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Meg: I don't get it, Mom. If you're so mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: ...A bitch?

Chorus: ANNA rules,
Peter: Cause I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels
Chorus: ANNA won,
Peter: Thanks to my Gamma Ray Atomic Gun.
Chorus: Dance and shout. He's the world's greatist ninja, there's no doubt
Peter: Though they tried to defeat me, they can all just freakin' eat me,
Brian: 'Cause he blew all of us away.
Peter and Chorus In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am, just as surley as Paul Lynde was gay!

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar

Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.
Woman 2: Sure is hot. [takes her top off]
Woman 1: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you! [both laugh]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

[upon watching a protest on "free Tibet"]
Peter: I'll take it! [goes to a phone booth] Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea.
[Sinister instrumental music]

Lois: I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations.
Peter: Oh, that's a small price to pay. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat!
Quagmire: Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm gettin' a boat!
Cleveland: Hey Quagmire, I'm also getting a boat.
Joe: RIGHT ON!! Whoo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! YEEAH!!
Peter: Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I'm gettin' a boat!
Peter: Aw, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.

[During a time-share presentation]
Peter: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we've always wanted one of those.
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.

Lois: [mocking] "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter: Come on Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I've ever done something stupid. Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
[Cutaway to 10 minutes ago]
Peter: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we've always wanted one of those.
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.
[Cut back to Peter and Lois 10 minutes after]
Lois: Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

Peter: [drunkly] Oh, oh this comic sucks! He-he couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off, and he was makin' me do it, huh?!

Peter: Okay, okay, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other!

Peter: [drunkly, on stage] Hey! Hey, hey, how 'bout that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh?! C'mon! [takes a drink, then puts the bottle in his pocket] What are y-what are you people, stupid?! [the beer spills and wets his crotch. The audience starts laughing uncontrolably] Ah, you like-you like a little abuse, huh?! Yeah, well you guy-you guys are s-stupid and ugly! If there was a stupid and ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose...whichever's funnier! [falls back and passes out]

Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar. [laughs] Oh, that's right. I went there.

Woman At Work: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes!
Peter: Oh, alright, then you'll love this one. Okay. Why do women have boobs? [she gets an angry look on her face] So you got something to look at while you're talkin' to 'em. [her face freezes in shock] Hehehehehe! [pause] So you got something to look at while you're talkin' to 'em. Hehehehehe! [pause] So you got-
[Cut to Mr. Weed's office]
Peter: You-you, uh, you wanted to see me, Mr. Weed?

Peter: Women are not people; they are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Peter: You know if I wasn't so sure that you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.

Gloria Ironbachs: You haven't heard a word I've said!
Peter: Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just...you know...there's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. [pause, then he squeezes her boob twice] Honk honk!

[Peter walks onto a bus enroute to a women's retreat]
Peter: Okay, okay, so here's what I'm thinking, I'll be Charlie and you can all be my angels. [turns to ugly woman] Except you... You be Bosley.

Stewie: Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.
Lois: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg: Fine, but this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.

Peter: That reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam. [feels himself] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! ...nope, Cheeto.

Quagmire: Let's blow this sausage fest and hit the international house of tail.

[fight with Gloria Ironbachs]
Lois: Feminism is about choice!

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

Peter: [to Chris] Don't worry. I'll talk to her. After I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels. [reaches towards the table to a glass full of whiskey, but picks up the phone next to the glass] Mrs. Daniels? [Peter raises his voice] Mrs. Daniels? Is Jack in? [shock on Peter's face] What? Oh, my God! When? Oh, I am so sorry. Poor old Jack. He was a wise man, but he just loved playing with that wheat thresher. Always playing with that wheat thresher!

Peter: [referring to Chris] So he failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.

Peter: Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have some day.
Lois: Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers.
Peter: Oh nice, Lois, so just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?

Diane Simmons: Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.

Peter: If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be really upset. The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed, Peter Griffin. [struck-through words were erased from the letter after white-out was spilled. Later on, Craig himself shows up at Peter's house]
Peter: Craig T. Nelson?
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: [hands him a gun] Make it quick.

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: You-you can't eat a stapler-
Peter: Wanna split it?

Peter: [on the phone] Is this the Grant-A-Dream Foundation? ...My son Chris is dying!
Chris: HOLY CRAP!! NO!! OH MY GOD!!
Peter: That was the lie.
Chris: Oh. You sly boots.

Peter: [referring to Chris] He's got a very rare disease called, uh...uh, tumorsyphilisitisosis...
Mr. Harris: Hmm...sounds sexy.

[Stewie is covered in mud, Peter cleans him off with a hose]
Stewie: Blast, I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic! [looks down] Bloody hell, I'm a woman!

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Hey flat-head, chop-chop.

[all the lights blow out in the house]
Peter: Okay, let's stay calm. Aw, Lois, if you're scared, I'll hold you close until the lights are on again.
Chris: Dad, it's me.
Peter: Go to your room.

Peter: Wow! I look like a freakin' Emmy! [laughs, then looks at the camera] Hint hint.

[Stewie's bath water has turned to blood]
Stewie: How positively delightful, it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? [while slapping Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter: Stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake, like, like the moon landing, and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! Oh, I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, okay? Now make it stop!

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first-born son.
Peter: Oh no! Stewie!
Brian: The first-born son.
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife.
Peter: Chris! [large golden statue of Peter falls onto Chris]
Lois: Chris!
Peter: Oh, my God, are you okay?
Chris: Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel.
Peter: Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light.
Lois: No, Chris! No! Run away from the light!
Chris: Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?
Peter: [in tears] Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials and Kirstie Alley is still hot and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry!

Running Mates

Stewie: Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! [to Lois] What the deuce are you standing here for? You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! [Lois kisses him on the head] Not this baby!

Peter: [coming outside in his underwear] Hey, Lois, you seen my pants? [audience laughs; Peter looks at a group of people on the other side of the street sitting in bleachers] Boy, will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Lois: Peter, we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
Peter: Oh, yeah. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire! [looks at the sign] Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Brian: Uh, you guys, Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. [audience oohs]
Peter: Oh, that's it, I'm calling the cops!

Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother's right, son, listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? Uh-uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
Lee Majors: What? Women are things.

[Peter walks by Chris' room; a pounding noise is heard. He knocks]
Chris: Don't come in! Just a minute!
Peter: Chris? Your mother wants me and you to have a talk.
Chris: No! [Peter enters; we see that Chris is actually playing with a paddle ball] Oh, I was going for a new record.
Peter: [takes the paddle] Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mister Rogers.
[Cutaway to Mister Rogers peeping at a woman changing from a window]
Mister Rogers: Hello, neighbor. Ohhhhhh...
Peter: But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this. [he gives him the box, which is filled with dirty magazines]
Chris: Wow, Miss December!
Peter: Heh, yep, the old skin bin. Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal.
Chris: Wow, check out the rack on...Mom? [pulls out a picture of Lois; Peter grabs it]
Peter: Hey, give me that, heh. Just-just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversery. Hehehe...
Chris: All right, Dad. [Peter starts to leave] Hey, Dad? Thanks. [Peter leaves. We hear the same pounding noise, but Peter realizes he is holding the paddle.]

Peter: Hey, I can be just as noncompetitive as anybody. As a matter of fact, I'm the most noncompetitive. So I win.

[Stewie walks into the room and disappears from view under Brian's newspaper]

Stewie: Oh my! Look where my hand is! I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place. [Brian puts the newspaper down and Stewie is shown with his finger up his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Stewie: Look! I'm writing profanity on the wall! [Brian puts newspaper down with the word "Poppycock" written on the wall]
Brian: Water soluble.
Stweie: [Frustrated] Come on, discipline me! If Lois was here, she'd prove to be a worthy adversary!

Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please.
Peter: Uh, okay, uh, I'm Peter Griffin, vote for me...
Tom Tucker: Is that it?
Peter: Uh, no. This is it. Uh, this is life. The one you get, so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

[Peter and Lois are about to begin their debate on TV]
Chris: Go dad!
Meg: He can't hear you.
Chris: [louder] GO DAD!

Peter: [Upon seeing James Carville] Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?

Tom Tucker: Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris: nature's Rubik's Cube.

A Picture Is Worth a 1,000 Bucks

[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]
Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday suprise.
[We see he is actually driving blind]
Lois: Then at least let me drive!
Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] Hehehehehe, that's adorable.

[While waiting in line for a roller coaster]
Quagmire: Well, hello. Heh, heh. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. [laughs]

Stewie: [seeing a clown doll] Ooh! How deliciously evil-looking. It's like something out of Stephen King.
[Cutaway to Stephen King in publishers office]
Stephen King: Okay, for my 307th book, uh... this couple is attacked by... uh... uh... a lamp monster! [picks up lamp and pretends it's alive] Oooooo! Oooooooooooo!
Publisher: You're not even trying anymore, are you? [Stephen King starts barking and thrusting the lamp forward] When can I have it?

[Meg approaches a "Guess Your Weight" game with a ticket ready. He looks away from his paper and takes one quick look at her]
Man in booth: A lot. [Meg looks down in disappointment]

Stewie: This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun!

Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.
Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

Lois: New York City has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the [pats her mouth twice] "Ub-Ub" kind, but the [points at her forehead twice] "Mmm-Mmm" kind.

Peter: My son here is gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed.

Brian: Mapplethorpe? I though he just did photography.
Curator: Oh, no. Early on he did caricatures.
[Cutaway to Mapplethorpe doing a caricature of a boy]
Robert Mapplethorpe: Uh, okay Tim, uh, who's your favorite sports star?
Tim: Uh, Reggie Jackson.
Robert Mapplethorpe: Okay, well I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest, uh, what number is he?

Brian: Peter, creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes.
Peter: Even Walt Disney?
[Cutaway to Disney drawing Minnie Mouse, who's modeling]
Minnie Mouse: [about to remove her top] D-do I... do I have to?
Walt Disney: You wanna be a star, don't you? Then take it off! [she does so while crying] Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

Antonio Monatti: Yes, I know how important your success is to your father. That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, of course he will. Dad's very- [in deep voice] WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Peter [to Chris]: Wait a minute! You can't-you can't just push me aside! I made you! And I can destroy you! [takes out a little device with a red button and pushes it. Nothing happens.] Aw, damn. They must put it in the wrong baby.
[Cutaway to a playground, where a teenage girl is on the swing, coyly talking to a boy.]
Girl: Oh, Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you. [She explodes. Bobby looks around, then runs away]

[Peter and Meg are walking down the street]
Peter: Everybody's good at something. It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. [the scenery begins to change into Bedrock] But promise me, when you make it big you'll let me take advantage of all the- [they both stop, realizing where they are. They slowly back out of the scenery]

Meg: I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent.
Peter: Come on, think harder. There must be something you can do. [Meg whistles softly, then a pigeon flies over to her. As this happens, Brian does a twirl on the ice rink] That's amazing!
Brian: Oh, thanks. I roomed with Hamilton at prep school. Nothing happened.
Peter: No, no, I mean, that bird just came to Meg when she whistled!
Meg: Oh, those are just my birdcalls.
Peter: Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles softly again. After a pause, Big Bird walks over to them.]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg: Uhh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg: Oh, no, I wasn't calling you. [chuckles nervously]
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day?! Huh?!?
Peter: Listen, uh, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. [spits onto her shoes and walks away] Bitch.

Meg: [after whistling for a while] This... is humiliating.
Peter: Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere.
Meg: No, I don't. I quit! [Meg stomps off. Peter follows her.]
Peter: Now wait just a minute, young lady! Don't you walk away from me! [stops following Meg, and just stares after her] Hey, hey, don't you start running! W-wait- Meg, Meg, get off that bus! Don't-don't you go to LaGuardia! Meg, Meg, listen to me, don't you dare get on that plane! Don't you shell out five bucks for headphones for Magnolia! Okay, now I'm pissed.

Lois: He just doesn't understand. I know artists have to make sacrifices and... Oh my God! Are you Kate Moss? Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.

Fifteen Minutes of Shame

[The opening scene is Bob Ross' The Joy Of Painting]
Bob Ross: Alright, we're gonna use a fan brush here and, uh, I want you to take some Hunter Green and we'll put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. [Bob Ross points to the screen with his paint brush and his face gets serious] And if you tell anyone that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you!
[Peter is painting along with him by watching the TV]
Peter: Huh, mine doesn't even look close to his. Ah what the hell.
[He's painting a picture of the family from Family Ties]

Lois: It's such an honor to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, kids?
Meg: Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father.
[Cutaway to Ronald McDonald's house, where Ronald McDonald sits reading a newspaper. His teenage daughter, Lisa, runs downstairs, dressed a little on the trashy side.]
Lisa: Bye, Dad! Don't wait up!
Ronald McDonald: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that makeup on.
Lisa: But Dad-!
Ronald McDonald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald. Not a whore.

Brian :[after Peter washes ashore, naked, with his legs sticking up.] Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.

Meg: Oh, God, kill me now!
[God aims a laser-sighted rifle at her forehead, but stops when He receives a phone call]
God: Hello? Kar-ar-ar-en!

[Peter and Lois are having sex during Meg's slumber party, much to the girls' horror]
Lois: Peter, don't! God, your hand is like ice. Just-here, give it to me. Ooh, that'll warm it up a little...ohh, that's nice...
Peter: Oh! Oh, oh!
Lois: Peter, wait for--
Peter: SHAZAM!
Lois: [sighs] Oh, Peter...

Peter: We're just a regular American family. We have family dinners, and we go to church together-
Meg: Yeah, and you even manage to humiliate me there!
[Cutaway to Peter drinking the communion wine from Death Has A Shadow ]
Peter: [coughs] Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Vicar: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

Lois: Meg, you have two parents who love you and... [noticing herself on the TV] What does that say under me? [reads caption - "Lois Griffin - Probably more of a bitch than she lets on"] Oh, go (bleep) yourself, Diane!
[Audience gasps; at home, Brian spits out his drink]
Stewie: She said a swear!

Peter: [standing at a urinal] Uh oh. Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning! Don't worry! I'll put it out! Aaahhh! [giggles]
[Trevor enters and goes to the urinal next to Peter.]
Trevor: Hey, great show out there!
Peter: Look, if you want an autograph right now, you either gotta give me a pen or get me some snow.

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!!
[Cutaway to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the Camera.]
Stewie: Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. I-it wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I-I-I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her...it's just...I-I just want her, not to be alive, anymore. Uh, I-I sometimes wonder if-if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Chris: One time, my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and then lied about it.
Joe: [watching this on TV] I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up!
Bonnie Wow, Joe, this sorta makes you like Larry from Three's Company... you know, I always thought he was sexy.
Joe: YES! I am all about Larry over here!

Meg: Um, Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? [sees Quagmire on the kitchen table with a blonde] Oh, my God, excuse me!
Glenn: No problem, Meg! You probably bought me another three minutes. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity!

Peter: She'll be okay. C'mon, we gotta get back. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice.
[Cutaway to the Griffins' car, which is parked in the driveway. Chris sits in the back seat. Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy dolls sit in the front seat.]
Chris: We're gonna be late! ...WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?!

Meg: Mom, Dad, I'm home! [looks at couch to see people who are not her family] Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg No, you're not; you're Tom Arnold, and you're Fran Drescher, and you're um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're... the Olsen twins?
Mary-Kate Olsen: [as Stewie; not using an English accent] Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: [as Brian] Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Peter: Hey! Look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

Road to Rhode Island

[as a puppy newly born, Brian is holding a prescription bottle while other puppies are feeding from their mom.]
Brian: Excedrin headache number one: Puppy milk. (tries to open it) Damn. Hey, does anyone here have thumbs? An- Anyone?

Peter: Lois, when have we ever had trouble communicating?
[Cutaway to Peter and Lois watching the sunset]
Lois: Oh Peter, I love you.
Peter: [looks at watch] Uhhh, about a quarter past five.

Airport Security: Sorry, little man, everything gets X-rayed. [takes Stewie's bag and puts it on the X-ray machine belt]
Stewie: Wait, wait, there's really no need to...[starts singing] On the good ship lollipop, it's a sweet trip to the candy shop where bon-bons play, on the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay... [airport security is distracted as his bags containing dangerous weapons pass through the X-Ray machine] [takes his bag and walks away] Let's hope Osama bin Laden doesn't know show tunes.
[Behind him in line is Osama bin Laden who is singing]
Osama bin Laden: God I hope I get it, I hope I get it. How many people does he need, how many boys, how many girls?

Man in Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
Stewie: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]

Stewie: [walks over to Brian drinking at a bar] Oh, here's a pleasant sight: Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog!
Brian: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment... [vomits] ...and a stomach virus... [falls off stool]...and an inner ear infection.

Peter: Ah yes! The video came! Life is sweet!
[Lois looks at tape price]
Lois: $49.95? But this is twice as much as I paid for the first one.
[Peter grabs the tape]
Peter: Lois, our relationship cannot be measured on nipples and dimes...I mean nickles and boobs...money...I'll be upstairs.
[Peter runs upstairs and Lois comes to check on him]
[Lois opens the door]
Lois: Peter, why are you so-
[Peter is watching the video naked and once he sees Lois, he covers his privates with a pillow]
Peter: Get out! This part is only for the men!

Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. 111-1111! Lois? Damn! 111-1112! Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie: Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. [yelling] HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a...
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]

[Brian is licking Stewie while they are both dreaming]
Stewie: That's it, Mr. Giraffe, get all the marmalade. [phone rings. Stewie crawls then falls off the bed. He yawns, then he touches the hot radiator by mistake] Hello-? OW! OW! OW! DAMN IT TO PUS-SPEWING, BLOOD-GUTTED HELL!!

Stewie: [drags Brian in the shower; he turns on the water and slaps him] Wake up!
Brian [waking up]: Wha-- Oh, my head. What are we doing here?
Stewie: Oh, we needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, just us. We have to get the hell out of here!

Hotel manager: [through door] Open up or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit dead-beats with bad credit cards. Well, it's not an instrument, it's more of an object, but it's blunt, hard and blunt, and well... it's kinda like a bat. I found it out back one day when I was raking.

Stewie: All right, we need some wheels!
Brian: This one's unlocked.
Stewie: An SUV? Look, we're trying to elude someone; we're not driving to soccer practice.

Brian: Hola. Uh, Me-me llamo es Brian. Uh, oh-oh, let's see, uh... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes...
Drifter: Hey, that was pretty good, but, actually, when you said "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "Me llamo Brian."
Brian: Oh, you speak English?
Drifter: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You...you're kidding, right?
Drifter: Qué? (What?)

Farmer: You put your seed in my daughter's belly; YOU'RE FIRED!
Pilot: But Pa, you can't fire me...
Farmer: You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you!

Woman on tape: How about some whipped cream?
Peter: [is aroused] Mmm. Oh, that's always good.
Woman on tape: ...And some cinnamon...
Peter: [gets excited] Oh! Oh, that's good too.
Woman on tape: And then guess what, I'm going to add...
Peter: Oh geez if she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it!
Woman on tape: We're going to add-- [the tape goes static, later displaying Lois wearing a yellow robe]
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Aaah!
Lois: I know what you've been doing, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter: Wow, ususally beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.
Lois: These tapes are about communication. [about to take off her robe] If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty... [removes her robe, revealing her black lingerie] You should've told me.
Peter: [get excited] This is hot!
Lois: Turn around.
Peter: [he does so; scared of seeing Lois behind him, he covers the TV screen] Lois! Um, this is not what it looks like. She means nothing to me!
Lois: Peter, it's okay.
Peter: Yeah?
Lois: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter: Ah, come here, you. [he holds her in his arms, kissing her; he then reaches for the VCR remote to rewind the tape a few seconds back]
Lois: [on the tape] You should've told me. [Peter rewinds again] You should've told me. [Peter rewinds again]

Brian: Say something...
Stewie: What?
Brian: Just- say something! Please!
Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. Uhh... Yea, and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac" and Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone" and God said, "Oh I'm sorry, is this better? Check-check, check; Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Brian: Say something about my mother!!
Stewie: Oh! Yes, um, sorry. I never knew Biscuit as a dog...but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length-
Brian: Thanks, thanks, that's enough.
Stewie: Yes, yes. Uh, Requiem In Terra Pax and so forth. Amen.

On the Road to Rhode Island
Stewie and Brian: We're off on the road to Rhode Island, we're having the time of our lives
Stewie: Take it, Dog.
Brian: We're quite a pair of partners, just like Thelma and Louise, 'cept you're not six feet tall
Stewie: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees
Brian: Give it time.
Stewie and Brian: We're off on the road to Rhode Island, we're certainly going in style
Brian: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants
Stewie: How dare you! At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants!
Brian: Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie: We've traveled a bit, and we've found, like a masochist in Newport, we're Rhode Island bound
Brian: Crazy travel conditions, huh?
Stewie: [points at himself] First class [points at Brian] and no class.
Brian: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Stewie and Brian: We're off on the road to Rhode Island, we're not gonna stop till we're there
Brian: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry
Stewie: That's right. Until we're syndicated FOX will never let us die, please?
Stewie and Brian: We're off on the road to Rhode Island, the home of that old campus swing
Brian: We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass
Stewie: We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass
Brian: Yikes!
Stewie and Brian: We certainly do get around. Like renegade pilgrims thrown out Plymouth county. We're Rhode Island bound. Or like two college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown. We're Rhode Island bound!

Chris: Okay, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time, it's definitely not "kitty." Can you guess what it is?
Meg: Is it "kitty?"
Chris: Ahh! Get out of my head!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

Let's Go To The Hop

Lois: Now don't pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.
Chris: What about the time she strangled my other sister?
Lois: [nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.
Chris: But I remember it so clear-
Peter and Lois: [loudly] It was a dream!

Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.

Lois: [about to do S&M] The safety word is "banana."
Peter: I love you. [Lois shoves him down on the bed]

Peter: And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me?
Principal Shepherd: But, you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan."
Peter: Oh oh, right. Okay, here's my idea.
[scene transition, same location]
Peter: And that's my plan, Principal Sheppard.
Principal Shepherd: Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!
[Principal Shepherd shoves Peter out of his office. Later, Peter gets a call while sitting on his couch]
Principal Shepherd: I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off?
Peter: You let me worry about that, kitten.

Peter: If you must know, I've gone undercover to get rid of the toad problem, so your school can be safe and innocent, like the good old days.
[Cutaway to a one-room schoolhouse with a classroom full of Puritan Children sitting quietly at their desks. The schoolteacher has asked a Puritan Girl a math problem.]
Puritan Girl: Negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus four A-C, over two A.
School Teacher: That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means. A witch!
Various schoolchildren: Witch! Witch! [they begin to stone her]

Peter: Holy crap! It's the Breakfast Club!
Tony the Tiger: You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got a carton of cigarettes. Old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Tony! They're gr-r-reat!" Bastard.

Peter: Oh, this is great. Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance, but I'm taking her too. Thanks, Geritol.

Peter: Oh, oh, and today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, you know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak.

Peter: [still thinking he's a teenager] You don't remember what it's like to be my age! [Runs up the stairs, crying]
Lois: [calling after him] I'm two years younger than you!

Peter: [sees a poster of the Allman Brothers] Oh, Gregg Allman, How did you handle it when life got you down?
Gregg Allman: Me? I did alot of drugs, married some broad named Cher...I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.

[Peter falls off his roof while trying to sneak out and is caught by Spider-Man's web]
Peter: Aw, thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. [swings away]

[Lois enters the bedroom, tripping a wire which turns on a tape recorder. She tries to turn the light on]
Peter: [on tape] Please leave the light off, Lois. I don't wanna be seen right now.
Lois: I imagine you wouldn't, the way you've been acting.
Peter: [on tape] I thought you might say something like that.
Lois: Well, you do have it coming. Anyway, I convinced Meg to go to the dance, so I'm gonna go drop her off.
Peter: [on tape] Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson.
Lois: I wasn't yelling, I was just saying-
Peter: [on tape] Oh, you would bring that up. Can't you leave the past where it belongs?
Lois: Peter, what's wrong with you?
Peter: [on tape] Because, I've already explained that to you. It was a scavenger hunt.
Lois: [turns light on, then pulls the covers offthe bed, revealing pillows, and the tape recorder] What the hell is going on here?
Peter: [on tape] Lois, If you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip the tape over to side B.

Dammit Janet

Lois: I need some excitement!
Peter: What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting! For example. [takes out a blowtorch and sets fire to the curtains] There you go. Goodnight!

Meg: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet.
[Cutaway to Peter puppeteering the house]
Peter: Hey! Hey, stay out of here! Hey, nobody better come in here! I'm the Griffins' house! Bring me a toolshed, for I am hungry!

Chris: I-If you get a job, who's gonna feed me and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet?
Lois: Now, Chris, you know there's no such thing.
[Chris looks towards the stairs; we see an evil-looking monkey. He points at Chris, then runs upstairs]
Chris: NO! [runs away crying]

Stewie [after hitting Janet too hard while playing "Duck Duck Goose"]: This is exactly why people don't respect the WNBA.

Peter: Hey, guys, guys, get this. So, Lois wants a part-time job, right? So I'm like, "I got a job for ya, baby: [points at his crotch] right here!" ...See, look, this zipper's been broken for over a month; I gotta use a damn safety pin.

Brian: [eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."
Brian: Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
Stewie: AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!
Brian: AHA! Thank you for proving my point.
Stewie: DAMN!

Janet: Hi! Cookie?
Stewie: No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemus," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

[in Australia]
Peter [poking a crocodile]: Hey! Hey, you okay there, Mr. Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up! Need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? [the crocodile wakes up] Huh, there you go. [a koala jumps on his face] AHH, AHH, AHH, AHH!! OH GOD!! OH GOD!! AHH, AHH, AHHHHH!!

Lois: It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey."

Peter: Okay, e-everyone, it's time for my one-man show, Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. Okay, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Ooh, Would you like some tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm Win-"
Man: My wife is very ill!
Woman: Yes! Do you mind? I paid $380 for this flight!
Peter: $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first! This is my fourth trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky.
[Cutaway to KFC restaurant]
Peter: W-w-w-w-wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and-and the Colonel isn't even working today?
KFC Employee: [Southern accent] He ain't real. He dead.
Peter: What?
KFC Employee: I say he dead.
Peter: ...IS MR. SANDERS IN?
KFC Employee: What wrong wid you? I say you he dead.
Peter: ....THE COLONEL!

Lois: My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon's ass on her face!

[in Cuba]
Flight Attendent: We apologize for the hijacking.
Peter : Ah, that's okay. You know, you people are nothing like the communist they show on television.
[Cutaway]
Announcer: We now return to "The Communists."
Father: I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your grades?
Son: Uh...uh...uh...
Mother: Quit stallin', and answer your father. [canned laughter] Go ahead, honey, and tell us your...marks. [canned laughter]
Son: Do I Khrushchev?
Nikita Khrushchev [enters the room]: Did somebody say, "Khrushchev"? [he starts dancing on the table; the family joins in]

There's Something About Paulie

Stewie: Wakie, wakie, worthless domestic! Time to make me edible gruel.

Lois: Peter, I'm upset because you never listen to me. This is Atlantic City all over again.
[Cutaway to a casino, where Peter and Lois are at a Blackjack table.]
Dealer: You've got twenty.
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter, don't.
Peter: Hit me.
[Dealer puts down an ace.]
Dealer: Twenty-one!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter-
Peter: Hit me.
[Dealer puts down another card.]
Dealer: That's thirty.
Peter: ...Hit me.

Peter: Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell getting around. I actually had to rent a mustang.
[Cutaway to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]

Peter: Hey, Cleveland, come here, check out my on-board computer navigation system. [clicks a dial] Standard...
Car Computer: Left turn ahead.
Peter: [clicks the dial again] Spanish...
Car Computer: [Spanish accent] Va a la izquierda alla.
Peter: [clicks the dial a third time] Yakov Smirnoff.
Car Computer: [Russian accent] In Soviet Russia, car drives you.

Peter: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

[Paulie moons the moon itself, right when Bonnie takes out the trash]
Peter: Oh, uh...hi, Bonnie. This is my friend, Big Fat Paulie, and, uh...this is his big fat ass.

Peter: Look, d-don't worry, I got it all figured out. We'll move to England. Huh? The worst they got there is, uh...you know, drive-by...arguments.
[Cutaway to England, where 2 men are driving]
Driver: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the young, upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the United European Commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow.
Driver: Oh, let's get him! [they pull up to Reginald and roll down the window] Oh, Reginald? [Reginald looks at him] I disagree! [the car speeds off]

Lois: Peter, thank God! Did you take care of...that thing?
Peter: That thing? Oh, oh, you mean that growth. Yeah, yeah, I had the doctor look at that.
[Cutaway to Dr. Hartman's office]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth, that's your penis.
Peter: Oh. Well what about the, uh...
Dr. Hartman: Testicles.
Peter: ...Huh.

Peter [about the wedding]: We'll probably have to buy her a gift. And you know how bad I am when it comes to buying gifts.
[Cutaway to Lois' birthday]
Peter: Happy freakin' birthday, Lois! [hands her a long gift]
Lois: Oh, my goodness, it's a... [sighs; pulls out a sword] another sword. Thank you, Peter...
Peter: Go ahead, try it on!

Lois: Because together we can do anything- face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Car Computer: Turn right at fork in road. [Russian accent] In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
Peter: Boy, is that getting old.

Peter: I don't know about this, Lois. What if something happens to you? I'm too old to start dating again.
[Cutaway to the set of The Dating Game, where a young attractive Contestant asks the questions.]
Contestant: Okay, Bachelor #1. I'm an ice cream cone. How are you gonna eat me?
Bachelor #1: [sexily] I'd invite my friend Rudy over, and the two of us would give you a double dip. [the audience whoops it up]
Contestant: Ooooh, okay. Bachelor #2?
Bachelor #2: [sexily] Well, I'd lick off all the cream and give you my "special" whipped topping. [the audience whoops it up]
Contestant: Sounds good. Bachelor #3? [pan to Bachelor #3, who is Peter.]
Peter: Well, I would try to eat you really fast before I got flaccid. [the audience is dead silent]

He's Too Sexy For His Fat

Chris: [giggles] I love you, She-Hulk. [a Security Guard approaches Chris]
Security Guard: All right, son. I'm gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: I-I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt, son. [lifts his shirt and pats him down]
Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Heh, sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big old fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso. '[gives him a candy bar]
Chris: Thanks!

Stewie: [runs down the hallway and slides into a table] Damn you Mop 'n Glow!

Peter: What are you hiding under your shirt? Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit you? Lois! What did you do to my son?!
Lois: Will you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him.
Peter: What're you talkin' about? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this. Hey, hey, everybody, hey, look what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin's doing! [grabs one of his boobs and licks it]
Lois: Stop it! Chris, why don't you want to take your shirt off?
Chris: 'Cause I'm fat.
Lois: Oh, honey, no one thinks you're fat.
Hotel Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board.
Lois: This is my son!
Hotel Attendant: My apologies. Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid!
Peter: Don't listen to him, Chris. I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait here. [Peter grabs The Club and attaches it to Chris]

Peter: You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins, like your great-great-great-uncle Jabba the Griffin.
[Cutaway to Jabba the Hutt (as Peter) in his palace]
Jabba the Griffin: Raja naba doua gola wookie nipple pinchie.

Meg: Why don't you do what the supermodels do- stick your finger down your throat, and throw up till you're skinny?
Peter: Chris, don't listen to your sister. Sticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up. [pause, then Peter slowly opens his mouth and inserts his finger inside. Instantly, his mouth fills with vomit]
Lois: Peter, are you okay? [Peter nods with his mouth still full]

Stewie [to Chris]: Mmm, this meatloaf is a symphony of flavor. It's too bad you can't have some, it's practically orgasmic. [takes a bite] OH, YES! YES! OH! OH! YES! YES!
Brian: I'll have what he's having.

Chris: Dad, I don't like running. The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears. [Peter Puts a plunger with a twinkie on a peice of string] Hey a Twinkie! hahahahahaha! I'm gonna get you!

[Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie: My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's dropped into himself like a neutron star.

Lois: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter: I had to. My old one had a crack in it. Hehehehe!

Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.

Lois: Peter, have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.
Brian: Yeah, he finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie.
[Cut to Chris lying flat on the floor, with the Twinkie in his hand.]
Chris: [to the Twinkie] Ha ha, I'm turning you into poo!

[Lois is staring at Peter's backside]
Brian: Are you gonna take that? ...LOIS!
Lois: What? Oh, Brian, I was, duhuh, I was seein' if the uh...driveway.
Brian: That wasn't even a sentence. You were oogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Lois: Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, does that make me a bad person?
Brian: Yes. Yes, it does make you a bad person.

Peter: Trust me, Chris, sometimes it's better not to fit in.
[Cutaway to a group of soldiers in Vietnam, and Peter, dressed as a clown, follows them.]
Peter: You're all stupid. See, they're gonna be looking for army guys.

Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris: Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.
Meg: Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!
Chris: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg: I don't have a mustache...do I?
Lois: Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.
Meg: But, Mom!
Lois: Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.
[Cutaway to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]
Stewie: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in hell... [falls asleep. His ice cream falls on his shirt]

[after Peter gets in an accident and returns to normal]
Lois: Well, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson.
Peter: Nope!

E. Peterbus Unum

Peter: Okay, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter Wrong, the ugly one!

Cleveland: I got 400.
Joe: I got 600.
Quagmire: I got 850.
Charlie Brown: I got a rock.

Joe: I spent my refund on a digital TV with Surround Sound. It's got headphones, so I can watch Steven Seagal films without waking Bonnie.
[Cutaway to Joe sitting in bed wearing headphones, Bonnie is asleep.]
Joe: YES! [Bonnie falls out of bed] LOCK AND LOAD! BRING ON THE PAIN!!

Stewie: You know, Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. Oh, oh, you don't believe me? Here, look it up. [passes dictionary to Rupert, then snickers] What? What's that, it really isn't? [takes dictionary and studies it] Oh, Rupert, touché. Hoisted by my own petard! [laughs, then sighs] Oh, I am so alone.

Peter: Oh, my God, it's better than I thought! An "Audi." I'm getting a car!
Brian: Uh, Peter, there's a "T" in there. That says "audit."
Peter: No, Brian, it's a foreign car; the T is silent. Sweet, I'm getting an Audi!
Chris: I have an "innie!" [pokes his belly button]

IRS Agent: Well, Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money, but unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund.
Peter: AHHHH!
IRS Agent: Mr. Griffin, are you okay?
Peter: I-I'm sorry, I-I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five. It's gonna take some time to get over it. N-Now what were you saying?
IRS Agent: You're not entitled to a refund.
Peter: AHHHH! I-I'm sorry, come again?
IRS Agent: You're not entitled to a refund!
Peter: AHHHH!
IRS Agent: [sighs] Was that for Party of Five too?
Peter: No, that was for my refund! What the hell is Party of Five?

Peter: Alright, now, kids, I don't want anyone swimming in this pool without a lifeguard on duty. Hehehehe...doody. Hehehehe...diarrhea. [Lois walks out] Hey, Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter: Diarrhea!
Lois: [laughing] Peter! I'm holding iced tea!

Lois: Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need.
[Cutaway to the Griffins in the living room, Peter comes home]
Peter: Look, everybody, I got another dog! [a homosexual version of Brian enters the room]
Brian: What the-
New Dog: Hi! You guys have any cheese doodles? [pulls out a horn and honks it twice] See, that's what I do, I ask for a snack, and then I blow the horn.

Foreman: I'm sorry, but your house is too close to the curb.
Peter: Oh yeah, well... your eyes are too close too your nose. [we see his eyes really are too close]
Foreman: Well, that may be, but you know what? I only need one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!
Peter: Hey, wa-wa-wait, come back here!
Foreman: What?
Peter: ...I have to draw you. [forman turns his body, and smiles]
[Cut to Peter drawing the Foreman, who is lying on the bed naked]
Peter: You're why cavemen painted on walls.

Mayor Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. [he goes on to chew a piece of taffy for about 20 seconds, making all kinds of faces]

Peter: Thanks to a technicallity, we have the right to secede from the US. From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I was gonna call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport already took it.

Lois: My son, Chris, is in charge of our space program. We hope to get to the moon very shortly.
[Cut to Chris on a treebranch reaching for the Moon]
Chris: Almost... [branch breaks, Chris falls] Oww! They should really use monkeys for this.

Cleveland: Oh, Peter, that tickles me in a way that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say, "Oh, yeah. That's nice. That's the spot."

Quagmire: Hey Peter you can't drink that out side, you could wind up in jail, and not the good jail like on [Cinemax] the man jail.
Joe: Go back and pail the bill Peter... you uh... don't wanna break the law.
Peter: I can do whatever I want. Watch this.
[Peter steps on the grass]
Cleveland: Oh now your just bein' crazy
Cop: Hey! That's against the law! [grabs Peter] You're comin' with me!
Peter: [breaks away from cop's grasp] Uh-uh-uh. Can't touch me! [Music from U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer begins]
J-j-j-j-just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2,
I've got diplomatic immunity,
So Hammer, you can't sue.
I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the Street.
I can riot, loot, not give a hoot,
And touch your sister's teat.
Can't touch me! ["Can't Touch Me" in the background]
Mayor Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter: [singing] Stop! Peter-time!
I'm a big shot, there's no doubt,
Light a fire and pee it out.
Don't like it, kiss my rump,
Just for a minute let's all do the Bump.
Can't touch me!
Yeah! Do the Peter Griffin bump.
Can't touch me!
I'm Presidential Peter,
Interns think I'm hot,
Don't care if your handicapped,
I'll still park in your spot.
I've been around the world,
From Hartford to Bombay.
It's Peter!
Go Peter!
I'm so Peter!
Yo Peter!
Let's see Regis rap this way!
Can't touch me!
[looks at attractive woman; spoken] Except for you. You can touch me.

Joe: What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, according to Paragraph 7, Sentence 3, Word 8 of the Geneva Convention..."the." So, tough luck, Swanson.

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

Diane Simmons: The scene outside the US-Petorian border as the sun rises on day one of Operation Desert Clam. Good Morning I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the US blockade. Tom?
Tom Tucker: Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front, where the US has cut off electricity, water and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic. The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous. [camera pans away from Tucker] It's only a matter of time... [popping noises in the background] Oh, my god they've opened fire. It looks like things are getting very heated here. This is not a safe place to be. [camera pans back to Tucker popping bubble wrap and using a whisle to make the sound of shells coming down. Stops in mid-whisle as he sees the camera] And now sports.

[The family is using helmets with lights to see through the darkness. all we can see is whatever the lights show us]
Peter: Hey, where are the kids?
Lois [chopping carrots]: Upstairs, doing their homework by candlelight.
Peter: Damn pig-dog Americans messing with my family like this.
Lois: [they look at each other with their lights] I mean, we can't bathe, we can't do laundry, there's no heat... We can't live like this forever.
Peter: It's not forever. You know, it's just, uh...it's just, uh...you know. [light shines on her breasts]
Lois: Peter up here. [light shines on her face] Oh, sweetie, maybe you should go over to Joe's and return his pool?
[Stewie's light enters; Stewie looks at a knife on the counter, then at Lois's back]
Peter: We deserve all the rights the US gets.
[Stewie starts jumping to reach the knife]
Lois: We have to think about the welfare of our children. Stewie, is that you?
[Stewie runs away]
Peter: Look, my mind's made up. [Stewie hits the table and falls face-up] I'm not giving up an inch of Petorian soil. [walks to the right, out of the kitchen]
Lois: It's not a sign of weakness to compromise. [light shines on her breasts again] I just think you should... Peter, stop staring at my chest!
Brian: Oh. Uh, sorry, Lois.

[while Lois is home-schooling the kids, Chris passes a note to Meg]
Lois: Chris, is that a note?
Chris: No.
Lois: Don't lie to me. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?
Chris: ...No!
Meg: Just read it, lardo.
Chris: [reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.
Lois Go to your room.

[sitting on his couch with a woman a large red-tipped missile crashes through the ceiling; he points at it]
Quagmire: To answer your question, something like that.

The Story on Page One

[At Brown University ]
Brian: Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris: Brown's the color of poo! [laughs]
Brian: ...Yes. Yes it is.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?

Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one time the National Guard came and shot some of my friends.

Meg I have no future! I'm just gonna go up to my room and wait till I'm dead!
Stewie [nonchalantly] I'll be in shortly.

Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Mayor Adam West: How do you know my language?
Meg: Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands.
Mayor Adam West: Are you Sarah Connor?
Meg: No, I'm Meg Griffin, see i need to interview you and...
Mayor Adam West: you're with the press??
Meg: Yeees
Mayor Adam West: Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you!? (Mayor Adam West escapes by jumping out of his office window at second floor.)

Agent of Mayor Adam West: (holding a dynamite and handing it to Meg) We have a present from Adam West.
Meg: WHAT?!?! (dynamite explodes and when the smoke clears, Meg turns a Daffy Duck beak to her face) Of course. You realize... THIS MEANS WAR!!! (she leaves when a Looney Tunes music is heard)

Mayor Adam West: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]
Meg: Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...
Mayor Adam West: My God! Somebody's stealing my water!
Meg: It just went down the drain.
Mayor Adam West: They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!
Meg: You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]
Mayor Adam West: Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

[Stewie is using a mind-control device on Chris]
Stewie: Voice test. "I'm Chris."
Chris: I'm Chris.
Stewie: "Eviscerate the proletariat."
Chris: Eviscerate the proletariat.
Stewie: [singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?"
Chris: Puttin' on the Ritz!
Stewie: [laughs] Not my bit, but still funny.

Peter: Aw don't cry, sweetheart, I-I'll make-I'll make it up to you. Y-you remember that pony you wanted when you were six? Well, I bought him and I've been saving for a time like this...suprise! [he opens the closet door, but a skeleton of a pony is there. Meg gasps in horror] Oh. Oh God, that's right... ponies... ponies like food, don't they? Oh boy.

[Stewie, still controlling Chris remotely, has sent him into a hardware store]
Stewie: "Good day shopkeep."
Chris: Good day shopkeep. I require a hand operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeeper: What?
Chris: It's for a school project. I'm some sort of student sent here for...oh blast, what the devil do they study? Uh...Latin class!
Shopkeeper: Sorry kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris: Now look here, you gored-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one in... Who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change! Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo! Oh, bloody hell. Is this thing still on?
[The shopkeeper just stares]

Peter: Alright, now we gotta be very crafty, so Luke Perry doesn't recognizes us. [a bellboy is standing by them; Peter grabs him, beats him up, and puts his clothes on]
Brian: Peter, how the hell is he gonna recognize us? He doesn't even know who we are.
Peter: Oh. Ha. Oh, yeah, you're right. Heh. [a fat man wearing Peter's exact outfit walks by, then Peter beats him up and puts on his clothes]

Man: Hey don't I know you?
Luke Perry: Yeah, I'm the guy you wish you could be.

Brian: Mission accomplished, Peter. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting.
Peter: Ah, that's no good, Brian. Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they first came to this country from France.

Luke Perry: Uh, Peter. I'm kind of busy right now.
Peter: Oh, uh, yeah, that's okay. Well, uh, well, thanks... [closes the door on Peter]
Luke Perry: So, where were we?
Mayor Adam West: If I do this, you promise to stop stealing my water?
Luke Perry: Uh, yeah, whatever.

Wasted Talent

Quagmire: Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
Woman: I'm with my husband!
Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero. [her husband punches him] A little violent for you, don't you think? [her husband punches him again] Heh, I'll be right over there. [walks away]

Tom Tucker: We interrupt for this breaking news. After years of isolation, the mysterious and eccentric brewmeister, Pawtucket Pat, has announced that he's opening his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few. [begins opening a few beers and drinking them]
Diane Simmons: Pawtucket Pat has placed four silver scrolls in four random beers. Each lucky scroll-winner and a guest of their choice will take a magical tour of the brewery and walk away with a lifetime supply of beer. [glares at Tom]
Tom Tucker: What? Don't complain. This is actually making you look attractive.

Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery.

Lois: You're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Cleveland: It seems Joe has found the first scroll. He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like saltwater taffy or a Chunky.

Tom Tucker: That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. But what I did was wrong. And as an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. [does so] Huh. Kind of tickles. [inhales slowly] AHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH, GOD! IT'S EATING OUT THE BACK OF MY EYES! AHHHH!
Diane Simmons: ...In other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought.

Chumba Wumbas: (Singing to Joe at the door to the Brewery, which is not weelchair accessible)
Chumba wumba gobbledy goo
Life isn't fair
Its sad but its true
Chumba wumba gobbledy gee
When your poor legs are stiff as a tree
What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Finding it hard to go up and down stairs
What do you think of the one you call God?
Isn't his absence slightly odd?
Maybe he's forgotten you
Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse
Count yourself lucky you're not a horse
They would turn you into dog food
Or into chumba wumba gobbledy glue

Peter: Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids...you know...forget about you.

Peter [hung over]: I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
[Cutaway to a young Peter]
Younger Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night. [Peter looks down in shame]

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Cleveland: Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household.

Godfather: You come to me, and ask me to kill a man, I do not know. Now I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula?
Captain Crunch: Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies. [Stands from chair, leaning over the Godfather's desk] My cereal does NOT cut the roof of your mouth... [sits back down] With all respect.

Fore Father

Lois: Listen up, everybody, it's time for spring cleaning.
Peter, Brian, Meg, and Chris: [in unison] Spring cleaning? Oh, not again! That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too.
Lois: If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time.
Peter: Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again, not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[Cutaway to a diner, where Peter stands across the counter from Rosie. He pours a glass of liquid on the counter.]
Peter: Wait a second, Rosie. I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Rosie: What is this?
Peter: Four seconds.
Rosie: Is that-?
Peter: Three seconds.
Rosie: That smells like-
Peter: Clean my pee!
[back to present]
Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I got stuff to do.
Lois: Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do. Now I don't wanna hear any more excuses from anyone.
Peter, Brian, Meg, and Chris: [in unison] Aw, crap! We did it again! [pause] Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Ooooh!

Quagmire: The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is...well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

Chris: I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. [they all laugh]
Peter: Monkey in the closet. [the evil monkey appears in a window and points at Chris; Chris looks down sadly]

Stewie: [singing] Surfside six. [high voice] Who lives there? [singing] Surfside six. [high voice] Young bachelors? [singing] ...in Miami beach!

Joe: Let's go, Chris. Your dinner isn't gonna catch itself.
Chris: I don't wanna go. I had a bad experience with a fish once.
[Cutaway to Chris's Bedroom, where Chris kicks the door in, carrying his book bag. He walks up to his desk and stops at the sight of an empty fish tank. Chris's eyes follow a trail of water leading over to an open window.]
Chris: Oh, my God! My fish is gone! [we see a smashed piggybank] And he robbed me!

Stewie: Tell me, Dr. Hartman, do all the children fall in love with you?

Cleveland: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.
Peter: Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can, and this book of clichés.

Lois: [sees "Peter" under the covers] Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head? [pulls the covers off, revealing a pile of skulls] AHH! [Peter enters] Peter, what's wrong?
Peter: Huh. That obvious?
Lois: Well, you always do the skull gag when you're depressed.

Lois: Why don't you get him a job or something?
Peter: Whoa. Freeze-frame. [Lois and the scenery freezes, except for Peter. He talks to the audience] That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job! Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. [walks over to her, then turns around] Go-go away, now. I'm gonna do stuff to her.

Stewie: "Pink as a pistol"? Good Lord, I can't even form a cogent simile anymore!

Cleveland Jr.: I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee!

Cleveland: Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. sit still for anything. Sometimes, I wonder if he's got the epilepsy, but then I just go see what's on the TV.

Cleveland Jr.: [singing] Honeycomb big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no!

Delivery Woman: Package for Glenn Quagmire.
Quagmire: Oh, uh, e-excuse me. [leaves and returns, naked] I've got a package for you, too! Alll riiight! [delivery woman sprays pepper spray in his face] Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.

Quagmire: When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom.
[Cutaway to Baby Quagmire crying]
Ms. Quagmire: Aw, looks like somebody's hungry. [pulls a breast out to feed him]
Baby Quagmire: Allll riiight! [starts feeding]

Chris: I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Hey, everybody likes feet!

Quagmire: Hey, you take bank cards?
Stripper: Sure.
Quagmire: [swipes his card through the stripper's buttocks] Can I get stamps, too? [she slaps him]

Stripper: How old are you?
Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore!


Cleveland Jr.: Hey, look at me! I'm Pelé! I'm Pelé! Hahahaha! Goal! Hahahaha!

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