The Simpsons

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love.
Sigmund Freud

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The Simpsons is an US television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield

Contents

Season 1

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01]

[Bart is singing in the school choir, so Marge cannot hear him individually]
Marge: Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.
Bart: [close up, singing] Oh, Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got awa-- (As he is pulled out off the stage) Ahh!

Homer: How many grades does this school have?

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

Marge: Alright, children. Let me have those letters and I'll send them to Santa's workshop in the North Pole.
Bart: Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Marge: [writing] Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays, The Simpsons.

[Homer falls off the roof whilst trying to hang Christmas lights]
Homer: Alright kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!
[Marge turns on the Christmas lights, and the results are less than spectacular. One bulb even blows out]
Homer: Well, what do you think kids? Beauty, isn't it?
Lisa: Nice try, Dad.
Bart: Ugh...

Tattoo Removal Technician: [turning on laser] Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or groin.

[Marge shows Homer that the Christmas money jar is empty because of Bart]
Homer: [gasps and screams] Oh! It's true! The jar is empty! Oh my God! We're ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!

Homer: [buying a chewtoy for Maggie] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Homer: Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon.

Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin' man?
Homer (as Santa): What's your name, Bart-ner... er... little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
Homer: [annoyed] I'm Jolly ol' Saint Nick.
Bart: Oh yeah? We'll see about that! [Pulls off his fake beard, just as their photo is taken]
Homer: D'oh!

Bart: Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.

Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!
Clerk: That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

Bart: Aw, come on Dad, this could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us.
Homer: Oh, all right. Who's Tiny Tim?

Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes, something to share our love - and frighten prowlers.
Bart: And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

Homer (as Santa): [as he is walking out of his 'workshop'] Hey little kids! Santa's back! Ho! Ho! [hits his head on the doorway] D'oh! Dammit to-

[The whole family sings at the end, with Grampa playing the music by piano]
Family: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.
Bart: Like a lightbulb!
Homer: Bart!!!
Family: All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names.
Lisa: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!!!
Family: They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two...!!
Family: Then, one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say...
Marge: Take it, Homer!
Homer: Err... "Rudolph, get your nose over here,
So you can guide my sleigh... today."
Abe: Oh, Homer...
Family: Then all the reindeer loved him,
And they shouted out with glee:
Bart: Like Sale of--
Homer: BART!!!
Family: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,
You'll go down in history!"
Bart: Like Attila the Hu- [gets strangled by Homer]
Homer: Why, you little--!!!

Bart the Genius [1.02]

[The family play Scrabble]
Bart: Come on, Mom.
Lisa: Yeah Mom, hurry up!
Marge: Oh right, how about..."He." Two points, (to Homer) your turn dear.
Homer: Hmm...how am I supposed to make a word out of these lousy letters. Oh wait, here's a good one, "Do."
Lisa: "Id," triple-word score.
Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
Lisa: Not "I.D.," Dad. "Id," it's a word.
Bart: As in, this game is stoop-ID.
Homer: Shut up, boy.
Lisa: Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
Marge: We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.
Homer: We've got one?
Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
[Homer reachs for the dictionary; Lisa grabs it]
Lisa: [reading dictionary] "Id," aligning with the ego and the superego; one of three components of the psyche.
Homer: Get out of here.
Bart: My turn. "Kwyjibo". [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here--
Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: [observing Homer] Uh, "Kwyjibo"... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: [playing along] And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape...!!!
Bart: [as Homer chases him away] Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!

[Bart is still spray painting Skinner saying "I am a weiner"]
Milhouse: Look out Bart, here comes the Principal.
Bart: Uh oh [throws away the can his hands are red].
[Skinner and Martin enter]
Principal Skinner: Hmm. Whoever did this is in very deep trouble!
Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
Principal Skinner: Good point. Now I want to see all of your hands.
[All the boys but Bart show their hands]
Principal Skinner: Now it's down to you, Bart.
[Bart show his hands]
Principal Skinner: I knew it.
Martin: You could say you caught him red-handed.

Martin: I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Martin: Pardon?

Mrs Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success... [to Bart] if any.

Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son, a genius - how does it happen?
Dr. Pryor: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of hereditary and environment... [sees Homer staring blankly] although in some cases it's a total mystery.

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you - why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
Homer: Nonsense, Marge! Frosted Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows out.

Homer: Go on boy, and pay attention, because if you do, one day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations - you may outsmart someone.

Homer: Jeez. No beer, no opera dogs...

Bart: It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
Homer: Is that one fat enough for you, son?

Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well...

Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Mrs. Krabappel: [blows whistle] Now class remember, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want all to be on your best behavior, especially you Bart Simpson.
Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door.

[at Moe's Tavern]
Homer: I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.
[phone rings]
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: [on phone] Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely, first initials I.P.
Moe: OK, I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey everybody, I.P. Freely!
[patrons laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute. Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead, I swear I'm going to slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: Oh I don't know, he's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Moe: I don't think you're ever going to get another job and be able to pay me back.

Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
Lisa: I don't know what else to do.
[Maggie pokes him in the eye]
Bart: There's only one thing we can do. Take advantage of the guy. [Holds up a report card] I need you to sign this, Homer. [Bart picks up Homer's hand and writes his signature on the card.]

Homer: Damn it! I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Homer: You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

Homer: Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Homer: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.

TV Announcer #1: Loaftime, the cable network for the unemployed, will be right back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
TV Announcer #2: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time. Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by.
Duff TV Jingle: You can't get enough of the wonderful Duff. Duff Beer!
Homer: Beer! Now there's a temporary solution.

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
Bart: What does "incompetent" mean?
Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.
Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

Chief Wiggum: Well, it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a graffiti vandal known as, "El Barto". Police artist have a composite sketch to go over and if anyone has any information, please contact us immediately.
[A sketch of an older, stubbly, mean-looking version of Bart is passed around]
Bart: Cool, man.

There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]


[Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers stand in front of the Simpson family.]
Mr. Burns: And this must be, er... [reads from a card] Brat.
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.
Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a li'l al-key-hol in this punch.

Mr. Burns: [Seeing a son kiss his father on the cheek] Awww... That's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers, get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
Homer: Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
Bart: Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid!
Homer: Bart, please. Five bucks for a kiss.

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

[The Simpsons peer through a dining room window, watching another family happily eating dinner together.]
Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.
Bart: No belching.
Lisa: That dad has a shirt on!
Marge: Look, napkins!
Bart: These people are obviously freaks.

Smithers: [offscreen] Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! Excellent, this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.

Bart the General [1.05]

Weasel #1: Nelson, y-you're bleeding.
Nelson: Naw, happens all the time, somebody else's blood splatters on me. [realizes his nose is bleeding] Hey, wait a minute... you're right! [to Bart] You made me bleed my own blood.

[The school bell rings.]
Principal Skinner: Uh oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now.
Nelson: [to Bart] I'll get you after school, man.
Bart: But...
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for class.
Bart: But...
Principal Skinner: Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot!

Bart: Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up; you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and...
Nelson: I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15.
Weasel #1: And you better be prompt!
Weasel #2: He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.

Grampa: [writing] Dear Advertisers,
I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all-vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again:
  1. "Bra"
  2. "Horny"
  3. "Family Jewels"

[Grampa knocks on the door. Herman opens the door a crack.]
Herman: Whats the password?
Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
Herman: Right you are. [lets Bart and Grampa Simpson in.]

Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Bart: None.
Herman: You'll need more.

Herman: The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.

Herman: First you'll need a declaration of war. I've got one here, just have to change the name from "Otto von Bismarck" to "Bart Simpson"

[Bart and other neighborhood children march towards Nelson, singing]
Bart: I got a B in arithmetic!
Children: I got a B in arithmetic
Bart: Would-a got an A, but I was sick!
Children: Would-a got an A, but I was sick
Bart: We are rubber, you are glue,
Children: We are rubber, you are glue,
Bart: It bounces off us and sticks to you.
Children: It bounces off us and sticks to you.
Bart: In English class I did the best!
Children: In English class I did the best
Bart: Because I cheated on the test!
Children: Because I cheated on the test
Bart: We are happy, we are merry
Children: We are happy, we are merry
Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary
Children: We got a rhyming dictionary
Bart: Sound off!
Children: One, two
Bart: I can't hear you!
Children: Three, four!

Grampa: Bart, you can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock. But for some reason, you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy immediately.

Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Bart: [to viewers] Ladies and gentleman, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners; only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures.

Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bart: I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. No one can prove anything.

Mr. Largo: Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'tis Of Thee!"
Lisa: But, Mr. Largo, that's what "My Country" is all about.
Mr. Largo: What?
Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer, whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up his...
Mr. Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of these unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.

Marge: It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow.

Bart: In the red trunks, with the record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee! Woo-woo-woo! And, in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats, oh, correction: humiliating defeats - all of them by knockout...
Homer: Must you do this every time?
Bart: Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson.

Bart: Is Jock there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jock, last name Strap.
Moe: Hold on. [calling out] Jock Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jock Strap!

Bleeding Gums Murphy: My friends call me "Bleeding Gums."
Lisa: Eew! How'd you get a name like that?
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
Lisa: Yeah.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

Marge: Lisa, get away from that jazzman! [to Bleeding Gums] Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

[Lisa is singing a blues song she wrote]
I got a bratty brother
He bugs me every day
And this morning my own mother
She gave my last cupcake away
My dad acts like he belongs
He belongs in the zoo
I'm the saddest kid in grade number two.

Bart: Sorry Dad, women and children first [slams door]
Homer: What?! [keeps pounding door as Bart laughs]

The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Rod: Hey Bart, hot enough for ya'?
Bart: [in a Homer-like manner] Shut up, Flanders.

Bob, RV Salesman: [awed, while introducing the Ultimate Behemoth] Man built this... it's a vehicle.

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob, RV Salesman: You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business!" That's what the siren says. It seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range, and "wee bit" is me being polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million.

[During the journey in the RV, Bart and Lisa are playing "What's That Odor?"]
Bart: [smells something horrible] Dad's feet?
Homer: Bart!!!
Lisa: You win, Bart.
Homer: Lisa!!!
Bart: Are we there yet, Dad?!
Homer: I'll tell when we get there. Go back to your smell game!

Homer: What am I gonna do? I've murdered us all!!! [echoes] Shut up!!! [echoes] D'oh!!! [echoes]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Homer: ... And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it. Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of...
Bart: [uneasy] Right.
[Maggie sucks her pacifier behind them]
Homer: Aah! A rattler!
Bart: I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid--
Homer: Run, you fool!!!
[They both run away screaming]

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]
Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

News Anchorman: Bigfoot, legendary half-man, half-ape, is no longer a legend. He's very, very real... now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, and most of all, its indescribable stench. A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000 to anyone who brings in the creature alive. Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.

[Homer is shot by tranquilizer darts.]
Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge... my... death. [starts snoring]

[Scientists hold a televised press conference regarding the tests performed on Homer.]
Marvin Monroe: Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human.
Scientist #1: That's what he thinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot in the flesh.
Scientist #2: Oh no, I disagree. I think it is a man. The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence.
Scientist #3: "Glimmer in the eyes..." What about the sloping ape-like forehead?
[Homer and Marge watch the conference in bed.]
Homer: Oh, the guys at work are going to have a field day with this.
...
Scientist #4: I think we can agree on this. What we have here is either a below-average human being, or a brilliant beast.

The Telltale Head [1.08]

Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Bart: [about Jebediah Springfield] But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If it weren't for him all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of '48.

[Homer sits at the kitchen table reading the "Bowl Earth Catalog."]
Homer: Ohh, look at this one! "The Hammer of Thor!" [reading] "It will send your pins to... Valhalla?" Lisa?
Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
Homer: Ooh, that's some ball.

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No
Homer: Are you?!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

[Lisa starts the electric mixer]
Bart: Dibs! First dibs! I get to lick the beaters! [He sticks his tongue in the beaters] Agh! Agh! Litha, my 'unge ith thtuck in thuh 'eaterth! My 'ungue!

[the camera pans across the restaurant, waiters singing scales]
Waiters: [at an anniversary table] How we danced on the night we were wed... [at a baby shower table] Having my baby... [at a funeral table] Nearer my God to thee. Nearer to thee...
[later]
Waiters: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy 34th birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson. Happy birthday to you!!!!

Jacques: Four onion rings!!!

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

Jacques: [on brunch] It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]
Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes!
[Homer's co-workers cheer]

Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself]
Homer: 239lbs?! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty? Well, from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
Marge: Oh, you're not a blimp, Homer. You're my big, cuddly teddy bear.

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]
Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]
Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.
Homer: Good idea, Marge.

Bart: [to Mailwoman] Lady, where's my spy camera?
Mailwoman: "Where's my spy camera?" Everyday for the last six months.
Bart & Mailwoman: Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?! Where's my spy camera?!?
Mailwoman: Here's your stupid spy camera!
Bart: Oh. Thanks, ma'am.

[After receiving his new spy camera, Bart finds Homer doing touching-toes exercises in his underwear, and takes his picture]
Homer: BART! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Bart: Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.
Homer: DRRR, YOU LITTLE-!
[Bart quickly leaves]

[Homer dances with Princess Kashmir at the bachelor party. Bart photographs him in the background.]
Homer: OH, THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE!

(Mr. Burns is one of the many who discovers Bart's picture of Homer dancing with Princess Kashmir)
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of your lowlifes from Sector 7G.
Burns: Simpson, eh? Family man?
Smithers: Wife and three kids, sir.
Burns: Hmmm. I'd like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers...

Apu: Sir, you look familiar. Are you on the television or something?
Homer: Sorry, buddy. You've got me confused with Fred Flinstone.

[When Homer arrives home, Marge thrusts a copy of the photo into his face]
Marge: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
Homer: [stammering] Whyarreeuumpht, it's... Meaningless, Marge!... Don't even attempt to find meaning in it, there's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir-
Marge: Princess who?!
[Bart walks in]
Bart: Hey, my photo.
Marge and Homer: YOUR PHOTO?!
Bart: Uh-oh.
Homer: Why, you little-! [strangles Bart]
Marge: [to Homer] Why, you big-! [strangles him] Bart, go to your room!
Bart: I'm outta' here...
[Homer manages to struggle free from Marge's grasp. She turns away and folds her arms.]
Homer: Look, Marge... Honey... Baby... Doll...
Marge: Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.
Homer: What are you saying, honey?
[Marge points him outside]
Homer: But where will I sleep?!
Marge: My suggestion is for you to sleep in the filth you created!
Homer: Will a motel be okay?
[Marge slams the door in his face]

[At Moe's tavern]
Moe: Whatsamatta, Homer? It's the hottest ladies night in months and you're not even checking out the action!
Homer: Oh, Moe. My wife gave me the old heave-ho because of some lousy picture.
Moe: [pointing to a copy behind him] What, this one?
Homer: D'oh!

Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!
Homer: What do you mean, sir?
Burns: I mean this! [holds up the picture]
Homer: [Gasp!]
Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!
Homer: [in desperation] IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR, I PROMISE!! [slight pause] Can I get outta' your sight now?
Burns: Wait a minute, Simpson! Smithers, could you please leave the room?
Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so]
Burns: [sadly] Simpson... I am, by most measures, a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women. A certain, how should I put it?... "Animal magnétisme". [begging] Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.
Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
Burns: [pleasantly] Simpson, I'm asking you nicely.
Homer: I don't really know, sir--
Burns: [angrily] SIMPSON!!!
Homer: [scared] Well, oh, wine 'em! Dine 'em. Bring them flowers. Write them love poetry... sir.
Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this, Simpson. [angrily] NOW RETURN TO YOUR WORK! And tell no one of what transpired here.

[While Homer and Bart search for Princess Kashmir in several bachelor parties]
Homer: BART! I SAID LOOK AT THE FLOOR!

The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

Bart: Froggy, I'm home!

Krusty the Clown doll: I like to play with you! I like to play with you! [repeats the phrase for a while, until deeper] I LIKE TO PLAY WITH YOU.. I LIKE TO PLAY WITH YOU...

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Bart: [to pet frog] Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me.

César [in French]: [to donkey] Ah, Maurice, once the American boy arrives, your days of back-breaking labor will be over.

Ugolin: [to César] César, regarde! Nous sommes riches! [English: César, look! We are rich!]

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Marge: I'll just clean the dishes...
Adil: No, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough today. I will clear the dishes.

American Spy: So, Sparrow, we meet again.
Adil: Yes. Sometimes I feel I am getting too old for this game.

Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]
Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?
Kids: Krusty!
Krusty: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our hearts!
Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?
Bart and Lisa [watching at home] We'd kill ourselves!

Apu: What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]
Apu: [to Homer] You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Chief Wiggum: Krusty the Klown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say... blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.

Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!

Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I'm so glad you're here today. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it, but... I need your help.
Lisa: You do? Why?
Bart: Oh, come on, Lis. You know why.
Lisa: No, why?
Bart: [grumbling] I'll never forgive you for makin' me say this, but... You're smarter than me.
Lisa: [smiling smugly] Hmmm!
Bart: So, you with me?
Lisa: [slaps his hand] Yeah, man!

Bart: Wait a minute! You did it!
[audience gasps]
Sideshow Bob: Excuse me?
Bart: [grabs the microphone] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't commit that robbery! Sideshow Bob framed him! And I got proof!
[He picks up an oversized comedy mallet and slams it down on Bob's toes]
Sideshow Bob: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
[audience gasps]
Bart: Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
[He hits Bob's other shoe, and Bob falls. Bart pulls off his shoe.]
Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!

Sideshow Bob: Yes, I admit it, I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years! I played the bufoon while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty. I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Sideshow Bob: Treat kids as equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

Radio Screener: First name, age, problem.
Marge: I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more of this I can...
Radio Screener: Hey, lady! Save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?

Dr. Marvin Monroe: [about Homer] The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
Marge: Really?
Dr. Marvin Monroe: I'm as sure of it as my voice is annoying. Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving, you'll be leaving.
Marge: Leave Homer?
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Please, don't use his real name!
Marge: Leave Pedro?
[Power Plant workers laugh.]

Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?
Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
Moe: Homer...
Homer: What?
Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
Homer: What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. [belches]
Homer: Oh, no!
Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
Bart: [dials the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor, man?
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check... [to bar] Phone call for Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here? [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute... [in phone] Listen, you yellow-bellied jackass, if I ever find out where you are, I'm gonna kill you!

Ms. Botz: Come, children. Let's go watch "The Happy Little Elves."
Bart: Look, lady, we've seen "The "Crappy" Little Elves" about fourteen billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV.
Ms. Botz: I said we're gonna watch the tape.
Bart: Aw, that's merely suggested viewing matter, lady. Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want.
Ms. Botz: I said, you're gonna watch this tape and you're gonna do what I say or I'm gonna do something to you and I don't know what that is because everybody has always done what I say!

Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.


Season 2

Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Bart: Good morning, girls!
Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
Bart: And where'd they land?
Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherri: Giant rats.
Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

Nurse: What's the matter, son?
Bart: Sharp, stabbing pains in my stomach.
Nurse: Oh Dear, I've heard of this. [Opens a medical book to Amoria Phlebitis, reads from symptoms] Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?
Bart: Both arms, ma'am.
Nurse: Temporary loss of vision?
Bart: Um... who said that? Come closer.

[Bart lays in bed while faking an illness.]
Lisa: Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart.
Bart: Well, "everyone" better keep her mouth shut!

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids!

Martin: The potential for mischief varies inversely with one’s proximity to the authority figure.
[Martin holds up cue-card with the formula Failed to parse (Missing texvc executable; please see math/README to configure.): M \propto \frac 1 {PA}

]

Bart: Well, yeah. But don't say it like that!

Bart: [praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please!
Lisa: Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Lisa: I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is, exactly. All I know is he's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe him big.

Bart: I passed! I passed! I got a D-minus! (runs around the schoolyard, repeating himself) I passed! I passed! I... kissed the teacher! (starts spitting it out)

Homer: We're proud of you, boy!
Bart: Thanks, Dad. But part of this D-minus belongs to God!

Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]
Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!
Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...
[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]
Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

Mr. Burns: [after hearing about how much Homer defrauded the company for his Dimoxomil] BLAST HIS HIDE TO HADES! [Thunder claps outside and it starts to rain] Oh, and I was going to buy that Ivory backscratcher!

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY-MUST-DIE!
Bart: I love you, Dad!
Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart: It is?!

Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Marge: Homer! What's this thing in the corner?
Homer: I don't know.
Lisa: It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.
Homer: Ooh, a vortex. [Throwing an orange into the vortex] Catch! Hey pretty slick.
[the vortex spits out a piece of wadded-up paper]
Lisa: [reading] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!"

House: They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die.
Bart: Are you my conscience?
House: I... yes, I am.
[in Lisa's room]
House: Lisa... Lisa... the butcher knife, Lisa.
[in Homer's room]
Homer: [lifting an axe] They are all against me. They all must die.

House: You will die, you will die slowly, your intestines will writhe and boil...
Bart: (gulps)
House: Possibly your brain will start-
Marge: Shhhhh... SHUSH!

Bart: You know what would've been scarier than nothing?
Lisa: What?
Bart: Anything!

Homer: Listen, you big, stupid space creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!

Narrator: Quoth the raven-
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
Bart: Okay, okay.

Homer: Come back here, you little raven! D'oh!

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

Dave Shutton: What's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson - who the hell are you?
Dave Shutton: I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.
Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.

Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
Lisa: Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!

Bart: Is your boss governor yet?
Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.

Narrator on Burns' Campaign Ad: [singing] Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for MONTY BURNS!

Grampa: That Burns is just what this state needs: young blood!

[Hairdressers and makeup artists are prepping the Simpsons for Burns' visit.]
Hairdresser: [to Homer] Well, what do we think?
Homer: Hey! Hello, handsome.
Burns' Campaign Manager: Hey, get that gunk off his face. He's supposed to be having dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power.

Mr. Burns: [after his campaign managers give up] YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just get me a seat. It gives me the right... no, the *duty* to make a complete ass of myself!

Bart: [to Mr. Burns] You throw like my sister, man.
Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!

[When Mr. Burns asks if Homer wants a beer.]
Homer: Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?

Mr. Burns: [chanting] The hitter's off his rocker/Kissing Betty Crocker!
Homer: Little baby batter/Can't control his bladder!
Mr. Burns: Heheh, crude, but I like it!

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

Homer enters the living room in his "Dancin' Homer" outfit.
Marge: Hmmm... did the team ask you to wear that?
Homer: Nope, this was my own bright idea!

Lisa: Our lives have taken an odd turn.

Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for nachos!
Lisa & Bart: All right!
Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm.

Capital City Goofball: If there's anything I can do for you, just squeeze the wheeze. [he squeezes his nose]

Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Ned Flanders: Hey there, neighbor. The Lord's certainly given us a beautiful day today, huh?
Homer: Hello, Flanders.
Ned: Doing a little yard work, huh?
Homer: Who told? Marge, beer me!

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!
Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

(Bart looking at his Todd Flanders picture suddenly Todd comes in and makes the same movement as he does in the picture)
Todd Flanders: Hi Bart!
Bart: Get bent!

Homer: That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.
Bart: What?
Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
Bart: Mister Putter.
Homer: D'oh! You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon, give it a girl's name.
Bart: Mom.
Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!
Bart: Why?
Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it, and concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
Bart: Who's Charlene?
Homer: [raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it] I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!

Bart: Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?
Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.
Bart: Right, I am a pawn.
Lisa: I know. It's times like this I'm thankful Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do.

Lisa: [flipping through the card catalog at the library] Golf, golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Humor... Japanese obsession with...

Homer: Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: "If you lose, you're out of the family!"
Marge: Homer! (slaps Homer)
Homer: OW!

Marge: [grumbling] Uhhh... My best dress. (Bart laughs)
Lisa: Why do I get the feeling that one day I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
Homer: Listen to 'em laughing. This is so humiliating. I'm never going to live this down. Damn Flanders!
Flanders: [laughing] You know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly but, what the hey, you know. It kinda reminds me of my good old fraternity days.
Homer: D'OH! Oh my God, he's enjoying it!

Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
Bart: She took my glue!
Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue!
Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue with.
Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it.
Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here.
Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.

Mrs. Bouvier: (to Marge) I have laryngitis and it hurts to talk. So I'll just say this: you never do anything right.

Lisa: [writing a poem]
I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

Bart: Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!
Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID.
Bart: Here ya go, doll face.
Nurse: Ok, Homer, just relax.
Bart: Ow!

Homer: [giving thanks] ...and for nuclear power, our nation's safest, cleanest energy source, except for solar, which we all know is just a pipe dream...

Bart: All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!

Homer: Hello?! Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1!

Homer: It's your fault I'm bald!
Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!
Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk!

Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

[Bart, Lisa and their friends are watching TV at Bart's house, at the same time and channel as Homer and his pals at Moe's tavern. The Monster Truck Rally commercial comes on.]
Announcer: This Saturday, for one night only, your life will be changed forever. Saturday! Saturday! Saturday at the Springfield Speedway! Speedway! Speedway! Don "Crusher" Woodard, John "The Skunk" Trumane, and the Team Tomomatsu Dirt-Riding Dunk Masters in this year's biggest MONSTER TRUCK RALLY! One night only! Plus the amazing, the astounding, the unbelievable TRUCK-O-SAURUS! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing, prehistoric insanity!!
Homer and Bart: Whoa!
Announcer: One night only! One night only! One night only at the Springfield Speedway this Saturday! To miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail. And if you're in jail, break out!! BE THERE!!! [echoes]

[At dinner]
Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday.
Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something?
Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing... No, I don't think so.
Lisa: It's my music concert this Saturday! I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
Bart: But Truck-O-Saurus is one night only!
Homer: [towards Heaven] O, cruel Fate, why do you mock me?!
[Homer and Bart both cry]
Marge: Look, what time is this truck rally?
Homer: [tearfully] 8:00, but what does it matter?
Marge: Well, Lisa's concert is at 5:00. We can go to both!
Homer: [gasps, perking up] Marge, you're a genius!
[He high-fives Bart]

Principal Skinner: Ladies, gentlemen, parents and music-lovers. Welcome to the first in a series of school concerts.
Homer: [whining] "Series"?! D'oh!
Principal Skinner: Tonight, Sherbert's-- Oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.

[Well into the symphony...]
Homer: How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?!

Flanders: [proudly crying for Todd playing his solo] My son, my son...
Homer: C'mon Flanders, he's not that bad.

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a very special guest. The world's greatest daredevil! The man who's no stranger to danger! When he's not in action, he's in traction!... Captain Lance Murdock!
[Lance Murdock appears on stage in a burst of flames (he is still on fire afterwards, and some men put it out with an extinguisher)]
Captain Lance Murdoch: Ladies and gentlemen - and especially little children - I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt: I will death-defy both nature and gravity by leaping over this tank of water, filled with MAN-EATING great white sharks, DEADLY electric eels, RAVENOUS piranha, BONE-CRUSHING alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle: ONE FEROCIOUS LION!
[A lion is added to the tank]
Lance: Heh heh heh, I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood.
[He pricks his finger and one drop of blood falls in the tank, sending the animals into a frenzy]
Lance: Now on the chance that I don't survive, let me just say: seat belts save lives, so buckle up!

Announcer (in Bart's dream): Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold! When he's not in class, he's risking his ass! The world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!

Bart: Dad, I wanna be a daredevil.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.

Dr. Hibbert: Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage. This little boy broke his leg, trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
Marge: Gee, I never thought TV was such a dangerous influence.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment!
Bart: Amen!
Homer: Well, Bart, has Dr. Hibbert made his point?
Bart: He sure has. [shaking Dr. Hibbert's hand] I learned a real lesson today.
Dr. Hibbert: [doubtful] Hmmm...

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.
Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
Bart: What?
Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Lance Murdock: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

[Lisa has just told Homer and Marge about Bart's planned stunt]
Homer: SPRINGFIELD GORGE?!?!? I thought we settled this daredevil junk!
Bart: [to Lisa] Squealer.
Lisa: I'm sorry, Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.
Homer: Bart, I forbid you to jump over that gorge!
Bart: You can't stop me.
Homer: I CAN AND DO! GO TO YOUR ROOM, BART! [as Bart starts to leave] Finally. It's good to know that someone's put a stop to this nonsense once and for all--
Bart: [dark] Hey, man, you can tell me not to do it, but there's no way you can watch me for 24 hours. And the minute your back is turned, I'm grabbing my skateboard and heading for that gorge! [leaves the room]
Homer: [losing all confidence] He's got us, Marge; there's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead! [sobs]
Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.
Homer: That never works - he's a goner!

[Homer goes upstairs to reason with Bart]
Homer: Bart? Bart?
[He sees Bart climbing out the window with his skateboard]
Homer: BART! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Bart: Uh, nothing--
Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you?!
Bart: Maybe.
Homer: Now boy, I know I can't stop you. I'm just asking you to promise me that you won't jump the gorge.
Bart: Okay.
Homer: D'OH!
Bart: Wha-?
Homer: YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT! Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect you to keep! If you make this promise, you have to keep it.
Bart: Why?
Homer: Because if you don't, I'll never believe anything you say ever again.
Bart: [incredulous] C'mon.
Homer: I mean it, boy!

[After supposedly reasoning with him, Homer goes up to Bart's room with a pickle glove]
Homer: Hey, Bart, wanna play with the old--?
[He finds Bart's room empty, and his window open]
Homer: [furious] WHY, THAT LITTLE LIAR! I SHOULDA-! [merely annoyed] And I was gonna play pickle with him.

[Bart is about to jump the gorge, but Homer runs up and stops him]
Bart: Hey, what gives?!
Homer: Boy, I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. And the only thing left for me to do is jump the gorge myself.
Bart: [stammering] Uh-uh, what? But... why?
Homer: Because that way you'll see what it's like to witness a family member stupidly risking his own life for no good reason!
Bart: But Dad... you'll never make it!
Homer: [hint of fear] Don't you think I know that?!
[Homer stands on Bart's skateboard and is about to push off.]
Homer: Good-bye, son.
Bart: Wait, Dad! Don't do it! All right, I won't jump anymore! I promise!
Homer: Oh-oh-oh! [hugging Bart] Oh, thank God! Thank God, thank God!
Bart: I love you, Dad!
Homer: I love you too, son. You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right--
[Homer is still on the skateboard, and he begins to roll down the hill towards the gorge]
Homer: Huh?
[Homer screams as he speeds down the ramp and flies over the gorge.]
Kids: Ooh!
Homer: I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'M KING OF THE WIND! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! I... [falls short and plummets into the gorge] AAAAAAHHH!

[to Lance Murdock, in the hospital]
Homer: You think you've got guts? Try raising my kids!

Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

Smithers: I think the boy is hurt.
Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.

Bart: Hey, cool, I'm dead.

The Devil: [when Bart is in Hell] According to this, you're not due to arrive here until the next time the Yankees win the pennant. That's nearly a century from now. [chuckles] Boy, is my face red.

Homer: He's awake!
Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.
Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.

Lisa:: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Lenny: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.
Homer: Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and-
Smithers: SIMPSON!!
Homer: Aah! [coughing]
Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
Homer: Uh-oh.

Burns: Ah, Simpson! At last we meet! My lawyers have advised me to pay you for running over your child, so I'm cutting you a check!
[With great difficulty, he lowers the lever on his check printer.]
Burns: There you are: one hundred dollars. Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. Merely a formality!
Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns... a hundred dollars is very generous of you, but the medical bills alone...
Burns: Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game is it, Simpson!? Very well! You get nothing! I have the finest lawyers in all of Springfield. Tangle with me, and I'll crush you like a paper cup!
[He crushes the cup with great difficulty.]
Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!
Homer: That's okay, Mr. Burns. I can throw myself out!

Hutz: Any calls, Della?
Della: Calls? Oh calls, yes. Eh, the Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.
Hutz: Tell them to sit tight, I’ll get back to them. This way, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz.
Hutz: Yes... Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, the Louvre.

Marge: [giving an opinion on Dr. Nick] Hmm. Well, to be honest, he seemed a lot more concerned about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. And he mispronounced words that even I know, like "abdomen." And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor.
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
Homer: Oh, Marge!
Marge: We've squabbled over money before. Hmm... never this much. I mean, I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with a $20 in the pocket.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

Lisa: Friday, meatloaf night. As it was, as it is, as it ever shall be.
Homer: What's your problem?
Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to try new things, experience variety...
Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that.

Bart: Sushi? Maybe this is just something one hears on the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right but misses the point entirely.

Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she's here. Cover for me.
Akira: One Fugu.
Apprentice Chef: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's-
Akira: Yes, yes, I know it's poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
Apprentice Chef: I must get to the master.
[The Apprentice Chef heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]
Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring...
Apprentice Chef: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.
Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!
Apprentice Chef: But Master, we need your skilled hands!
Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!

Apprentice Chef: (cutting the fugu very slowly) Con-cen-trate. Con-cen-tra---
Homer: I WANT FUGU!!!!!

Homer: [imitating Marge] Try something new, Homer. What will hurt you, Homer? [in his own voice] Well, I never heard of a posion porkchop!

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer: [yelling] Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

[Homer has written a list of things to do on a pad labeled "Dumb stuff I gotta do today"]
1. Make list
2. Eat a hearty breakfast
3. Make videotape for Maggie
4. Have man-to-man talk with Bart
5. Listen to Lisa play her sax
6. Make funeral arrangement
7. Make peace with Dad
8. Beer with the boys at the bar
9. Tell off boss
10. Go hang gliding
11. Plant a tree
12. A final dinner with my beloved family
13. Be intamit [sic] with Marge
14. Watch the sunrise

Homer: I'll call Barney!
[Barney's answering machine message is "Nobody's here" said to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth]
Homer: Damn those novelty telephone answering tapes! Well, thanks a lot, Thanks a lot Barney I just wasted my one phone call on your stup-
Barney: [Coming in the door] What? What? I'm home! I'm home!

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew! (Bart and Lisa laugh)

The Way We Was [2.12]

Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery.
[He hits the TV, and it goes blank.]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Homer: Bart, pay attention! You might be telling this to your own son someday if something breaks!

Homer: Oh, how I miss TV! DEAR GOD, JUST GIVE ME ONE CHANNEL!

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

Teacher: You just bought yourself another day of detention!
Homer: [to Marge] Maybe we should get together sometime.
Teacher: Two days!
Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
Homer: I'm Homer-
Teacher: Three days!
Homer: J-
Teacher: Four days!
Homer: Simpson.
Teacher: Five days!
Homer: [to Teacher] It was worth it!
Teacher: Six days! All right, Simpson, to the back of the room!

Homer: [visiting his high school guidance counselor] Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.

Homer: [leaving the guidance counselor's office] Me in a nuclear plant... [laughs] KABOOM!!

Homer: Look, I'm not asking you to like me, I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies, I'm just asking you to be fair.

Lisa: Everything I know tells me this story doesn't end with you sitting here telling it to us!
Bart: Get off the edge of your seat. They got married, had kids and bought a cheap TV!

Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands. Not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the town to hear it. Good night?
Marge: Yeah, right!

[Marge approaches the door to her house.]
Mr. Bouvier: [from inside] You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life!
Mrs. Bouvier: Will you stop it? She went out with the good one!

Homer: [to Marge] I've got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm going to hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.
[Present day, Homer and Marge are hugging in front of the kids.]
Homer: And I never have.
[He and Marge kiss. Lisa and Maggie look happy while Bart is pointing in his mouth, gagging.]

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
Homer: (sighs, sets Lisa on his knee) All right, what makes you say that?
Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
Homer: Well, duh!
Lisa: But everybody does it! I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
Homer: Well... let me put it this way: when you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?
Lisa: No.
Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
Lisa: No, I didn't.
Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!
Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer: Thanks, honey!

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, come on, Lisa. You're here for a reason. (whispering) Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.

Homer: There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. Why can't she be more like... well, not like Bart, but there's got to be a happy medium.

Mr. Burns: I can picture it now. A screen door rusting off its filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.
Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir.
Burns: Permission granted!
Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy.
Burns: Thank you, Smithers! Your candor is most refreshing.
Smithers: No, no. I mean, why don't you pay for the fight, yourself.
Burns: Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of the rare occasions I savor the sights, the sounds, and, oh yes, [sniffing] the smells of other men.
Smithers: You haven't lost the common touch, Sir.

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: BART!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell now can I?
Homer: Kids got a point Marge.
Bart: Hell yes!
Marge: Bart.
Bart: [sings]Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Marge: What wrong with Lisa?
Bart: Beats the hell outa me.
Homer: BART!

Principal Charming [2.14]

Marge: Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week?
Homer: Marge, I'm only human.

(Skinner sees Bart write BART in letters on Willy's award winning lawn)
Skinner: Sweet lord, it is! SIMPSON!
Bart: (Gulp)

Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you realized that by writing your name in forty-foot letters on the athletic field that you would be caught!
Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
Skinner: THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!
Bart: Uh-oh.

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Marge: You will find Selma a man!
Homer: All right.
Marge: And not just any man.
Homer: Okay!
Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?

Patty: Why are you all dressed up like a chorus girl?
Selma: It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse. It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.

Barney: She broke my heart, Moe.
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: Well, whaddya know! You're right! And look, a whole pitcher to myself!

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

Grampa: The screen was too small..
Jasper: The floor was sticky...
Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on...
Jasper: In short, we demand a refund!

Homer: Quiet, you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

Grandpa: She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.

Lisa: A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: BART!
Bart: His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: [to Marge] I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Mmm...
Bart: [singing] Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard!
Marge: Bart!
[Bart continues to sing]
Homer: Bart! BAAAAAAAAAART!

Homer: Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! [bangs the phone]
Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here! I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.
Homer: Oh. Sorry.

Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little fur...
Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: JUST A LITTLE FURTHER!
Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.

Herbert: PEOPLE DON'T WANT CARS NAMED AFTER HUNGRY, DEAD, GREEK BROADS!

Herbert: Homer?
Homer: Herb?
Both: (In unison) You look just like--
Homer: (In unison with Herb) Except you got a little more--
Herbert: (In unison with Homer) Except you got a little less--
(They point at each other's hair.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) And a little less--
Herbert: (In unison with Homer) And a little more--
(They point at each other's stomachs.)
Both: GOD, I FEEL SO--
(They happily embrace.)

Homer: Holy moly, the bastard's rich!

Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Bart: Hello, sir.
Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.
Herbert: Hello, kids. [to Homer, quietly] All born in wedlock?
Homer: [quietly] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

Herb: Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: I feel the same way about you.

Herbert: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Any time you're hungry, any time day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer: Even pork chops?
Herbert: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room...
Homer: If I want pork chops even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry them up?
Herbert: Sure, that's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
Homer: Wait, wait, wait. Lemme see if I got this straight. It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach...
Marge: Homer, please.
Herbert: [to Bart, laughing] Your old man sure loves his pork chops!
Bart: He sure does, Uncle Herb!
Herbert: Oh, Bart, "Uncle" is too formal. I'd prefer it if you called me "Unckie Herb".

[While Herb, Homer and Marge sit by Herb's pool, Bart and Lisa play Marco Polo in the pool (Bart cheats by sitting out of it)]
Lisa: Marco!
Bart: Polo!
Lisa: Marco!
Bart: Polo!
Homer: Will you kids shut up?!
Herb: [ignoring this] So, Marge, a little about yourself?
Marge: Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
Herb: Wow. We have so much catching up to do.
Marge: Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
[Bart and Lisa both prepare to dive in the pool]
Bart: Watch me dive!
Lisa: Watch me dive!
Homer: [losing patience] Okay, we're watching! [he turns back to Marge and Herb]
Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them...
[The kids dive, then reemerge]
Bart: [simultaneously with Lisa] Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
Lisa: [simultaneously with Bart] Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...

Herb: Homer, I want you to design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I wanna pay you $200,000 a year to do it!
Homer: And I wanna let you!

Herb: Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
Homer: Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering--
Herb: Homer, wait. You didn't seriously accept rack-and-peanut steering, did you?
Homer: [uneasy] Uhh...
Herb: You don't even know what it is, and you just said "yes"?!
Homer: [losing confidence] Oh, Herb, I knew I couldn't do this--
Herb: Whoa, whoa, wait up! Okay, from now on, don't just accept whatever they throw at you. Think about what you want in a car. Do you understand?
Homer: Sort of.
Herbert: [loudly] HOMER!
Homer: What?!
Herb: ANSWER ME AGAIN! WITH SELF-CONFIDENCE!
Homer: [loudly] SORT OF!
Herb: ARE YOU SURE?!
Homer: I SURE AM!
Herb: NOW GO GET 'EM!!!
Homer: [charging back to the lab] DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!

Lisa: His life was an unbridled success. Until he found out he was a Simpson.

Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]

Marge: Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
Lisa: I'll make it, Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

[Homer is eyeing up a pair of luxurious tennis shoes]
Homer: Oh, 125 bucks...
[Flanders appears in a thought balloon over Homer's head.]
Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
Homer: But I can't afford to-
Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!
Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh.

Homer: [seeing Santa's Little Helper sniff his breakfast] No, no! Stay away! This is not for you. This is Homer food.

Homer: Maaarge, the dog is hungry.
Marge: Well, then, feed him.
Homer: Yes, Master. [mumbles] Do I have to do everything around here?

Bart: Now... Sit! I said, Sit! Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I tell him.

Miss Winthrop: You son of a bitch. Good show!

Old Money [2.17]

[In the car...]
Homer: Dad, I promise. Next week we'll go somewhere really exciting!
Grandpa: [sarcastic] Oh! What could be more fun than this week's trip to the liquor store? Thanks for the beef jerky!

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.
Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
Bart: Well...
Homer: Aaah!

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

Lisa: [reading pamphlet] "Do not feed the animals. Do not allow animals inside the car. Do not make eye contact with animals."

Brush with Greatness [2.18]

[On TV, Krusty is leading the kids in singing the Mt. Splashmore Song.]
Krusty: I wanna go to Mt. Splashmore,
Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
Now now now now now!
Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now!
Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me!
Lisa: Me too!

[Homer is asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth.]
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: [waking up] No!
[following Homer walking down the hallway]
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No.
[at the dinner table]
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No.
[as Homer watches television]
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No.
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!
[as Homer takes a shower]
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: No!!
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: NOOOO!!!
[as Homer is in bed]
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
[Marge pulls her pillow over her head]
Homer: If I take you, will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME?!?!?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Of course!
Bart: Well?
Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: YES!!!!!
Bart+Lisa: Thanks, Dad!

Lisa: While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is, I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.

Marge: I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you Homer?
Homer: Do I have to do anything?
Marge: No.
Homer: Great. Fine. Go nuts!

Mr. Burns: Excellent. Once again the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet, perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you too.
Burns: Shut up!

Mr. Burns: Rin-go?
Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock and roll combo called the Beatles.
Burns: Beatles, eh? Oh yes, I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the old Sullivan Show. What was Ed thinking?

[Maggie is hugging Burns's leg]
Burns: Gah!!! There's something on my leg!!! Get it off, get it off!!!
Marge: Mr, Burns, she's just a baby!
[Maggie does her trademark "suck-suck"]
Burns: [still disgusted] Oooh!!!

Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]
Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

Ringo Starr: "Dear Marge, thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French fries "chips." Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply."

Dr. Hibbert: Provocative, yet powerful.
Miss Hoover: He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.
Mr. Burns: Marge. A word, please.
[He takes Marge and Homer aside.]
Mr. Burns: Now, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate... and I don't hate this. Your painting is bold, but beautiful. And, uh, incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
Marge: [to Homer] I thought I did.

Lisa's Substitute [2.19]

[A scream is heard from the room above]
Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you!

[Bart is showing his class "How kittens are born: The UGLY story."]
Bart: ...and here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
Class: EWW!!
Bart: We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.
Class: EEEEEEEEWW!!
Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
Mrs. Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
Class: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

[After Mr. Bergstrom has entered the classroom in Western garb, firing his toy guns and startling Principal Skinner]
Skinner: Are you the substitute?
Mr. Bergstrom: [Western twang] Yes sir, yes Ah am!
Skinner: Are you insane?!
Mr. Bergstrom: [whispering] No sir, no I'm not. It's just my way of getting their attention.

Mr. Bergstrom: I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are "Mr. Nerd-strom" and "Mr. Booger-strom".

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--
Lisa: Not mine.
Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--
Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

[Bart is on the front page of the school paper, after outranking Martin in the race to become Class President]
Homer: Wow, you made the front page!
Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest.
Homer: "JUST" a popularity contest?! Excuse me, but what's more important than popularity? Now Bart, d'you really think you can win?
Bart: I guess so...
Homer: WHOO! Yes! I always knew you had personality! The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better! "President Simpson" - has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, boy?
Bart: ... Actually, yeah!
Homer: NOW GO GET 'EM!!!
[Bart growls and makes a pouncing movement as he heads off]

Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her.
Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on...
Homer's brain: Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching TV? Spending time with the boy!
Homer: ... spending time with the boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.
Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your relationship with her.
Bart: Me too, Mom. I think they're drifting apart!
Homer: Shut up, boy.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
Homer's brain: You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might have thought of something. But you're not, so you just might as well--
Homer: All right, all right, I'll take her! [under his breath] Lousy brain.

[About an Egyptian mummy in the museum]
Homer: Ooooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf-Man.

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa is in trouble. She feels that she lacks a strong male role model--
Homer: What, did she tell you that?
Mr. Bergstrom: Well, not directly--
Homer: But you can tell, right? She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with good education, youthful looks and a clean credit record, and thinks, "Why me?! What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...?!" [cries]
Mr. Bergstrom: Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man. There's a wonderful girl's future at stake.
Homer: [perking up] Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
Mr. Bergstrom: I am giving her an A.
Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
Mr. Bergstrom: [annoyed] Mr. Simpson, she did earn it!
Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.

[After Bart has lost the election]
Bart: I demand a recount!
Ms. Krabappel: [counts the votes gleefully] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?
Bart: [Beaten] No...
Ms. Krabappel: [Rubbing it in] Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles]

Mr. Bergstrom: Whenever you feel that you're alone and there's nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know.
[Mr. Bergstrom writes Lisa a note and hands it to her. It reads "You are Lisa Simpson."]

Homer: BART DIDN'T GET ONE VOTE?!? OH, THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO US! [more controlled] All right, spilled milk, spilled milk. [notices an upset Lisa] What are you moping about?!
Lisa: Nothing.
Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.
Homer: [uninterested] Oh?
Lisa: He's gone. Forever.
Homer: And...?
Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
[Lisa finally snaps]
Lisa: [fuming] I'm glad I'm not crying... because I would hate everyone here to think that what I'm saying is based on emotion... but you, sir, are a baboon!
Homer: [gasp] Me?!
Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon, baboon, baboon, baboon!
Homer: [visibly upset] Lisa, I don't think you realize what you're saying--
Lisa: BABOON!!!!! [runs up to her room in tears]
Bart: Whoa! Somebody was bound to say it one day, I just can't believe it was her!
Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

Homer: Marge, don't say another word. Let's just go to bed. Right now I'm on the biggest roll of my life.

The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]
Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

[Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio.]
Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house.]
Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Reverend Lovejoy: We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners" and "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners" and for you teens, "It isn't cool to fry in Hell."

Lisa: Bart, Grampa is a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure its right to take advantage of him?
Bart: Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong. Right now, my gut is telling me: "bleed Gramps dry."

Gloria: I'm here because Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise for quite some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
John: That's enough, Gloria.
Rev. Lovejoy: Thank you, Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little bit about why you're here.
John: She never cooks. She keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. She's the queen of the harpies! Queen of the harpies! Here's your crown, your Majesty.

McBain: Chief, I cannot avenge my partner's death with this pea-shooter.
Chief: I don't wan't to hear it, McBain! Th-that cannon of yours is out of regulations! In this department, we go by the book!
[The Chief holds up a book of authority, only to be blown out by McBain's gun]
McBain: Bye, book!

Marge: [about Homer] He's so self-centered, He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular, he chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes, he blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle, he drinks out of the carton, he never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises. When he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it. Oh no wait... He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long... and yellow.

Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth.

Clerk: Yep, General Sherman. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
Customer: And, uh, no one's ever caught him?
Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel: cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.

Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

Lisa: Hurry, mom! If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone!
Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich.
Lisa: Hey! They do look alike.
Bart: I wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.
Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?

Bart: Wow, Radioactive Man number one.
Comic Book Guy: None other.
Bart: I bet it's worth a million bucks.
Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad, but I will let you have it for a hundred because you remind me of me.

Bart: I need $100 for a comic book.
Homer: $100? For a comic book? Who drew it? Michael-ma-langelo?
Bart: Please, Dad, I want this more than anything in the world!
Homer: Well, T.S.

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, à la "Wonder Years"] Me? Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-
Homer: Bart! Stop it!
Bart: Sorry.

Bart: Ching-ching-ching! [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received from Patty and Selma and takes it to the bank] Americanize this, my good man.
Clerk: Okay.
Bart: All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
Clerk: Let the good times roll!

[Marge talks with Mrs. Glick at the beauty parlour.]
Marge: (shouting over the hairdryer) The poor boy is so desparate! He wants to earn money to buy a comic book!
Mrs. Glick: A comic book? Oh, boys never change! Which one is it? "Nazi Smasher?"
Marge: I don't think so.
Mrs. Glick: Send him over to my house. I got a few chores he can do. He knows how to mix whitewash, don't he?

Bart: Ugh! I am through with working! Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out!

(Flashback of how Mrs. Glick's brother died in World War I)

Asa (pulls the pin to the grenade): This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the boys in "D" Company: Johnny, Harrison, Brooklyn Bob, and Reggie. (camera pans to the left away from Asa): Yeah, even Reggie! He ain't so stuck-up once you get to--(grenade explodes; Asa's helmet and gun fly onto the battlefield)

Comic Book Guy: Friggin' kids! I do not need this! I have a Master's Degree in Folklore and Mythology!

Blood Feud [2.22]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
[sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]
Crowd: Ooh. [applause]
[sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]
Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
[sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]
Crowd: [scattered applause]
[sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]
Crowd: [stunned silence]
Homer: [snickers] Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!

[Smithers finds Mr. Burns on the floor.]
Smithers: Mr. Burns! We have to get you a doctor!
Mr. Burns: Absolutely not! No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me! As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Burns is suffering from what we medical men call "hypohemia". Basically, it's a lack of blood.
Smithers: Dammit, doctor, I know what hypohemia is! What I wanna know is what can we do about it?!
Dr. Hibbert: At this point, his only hope is a blood transfusion.
Smithers: How long does it take to sterilize a needle?
Dr. Hibbert: A few seconds.
Smithers: Skip it! [tears shirt and jacket, exposing his left arm] Just leave me enough to get home.
Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] I'm afraid it's not that simple. His blood type is Double O-Negative, it's quite rare.
Smithers: But I'm B-positive! Damn this common gutter-blood in my veins!
Mr. Burns: [weakly] ... Don't feel bad, Smithers ... After all, that kidney you donated to me... really hit the spot...

Homer: Marge, what's my blood type?
Marge: A-positive.
Homer: Aw, nuts! Extremely rare blood and I don't have it!
Lisa: You know his blood type? How romantic!
Marge: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa: Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
Marge: 4-B
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge: Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
Homer: Earmuffs?
Marge: XL.
Lisa: Rings?
Marge: I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge: Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And...
Marge: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Ooh, impressive!
Homer: [covering her eyes] How many hairs on my head? Without looking!
Marge: [affectionate] Oh, Homer, you have lots of hair.

Homer: Bart, it's not like I'm not asking you to give your blood for nothing. That would be crazy! You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches! Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days!

[As Mr. Burns receives his blood transfusion]
Mr. Burns: [weakly] Smithers... I'm not going to make it... I want to dictate... my epitaph...
Smithers: [tearfully prepares to note it down] Go ahead.
Mr. Burns: ... "Charles Montgomery Burns ... American... and patriot... American patriot... [regaining energy] ... Master of the atom. ... Scourge of the despot! ... [really on a roll] OH, TYRANT! HEAR HIS MIGHTY NAME AND QUAKE!" [gets up] Smithers, I'm back!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm back in the pink! [chuckles] Full of pith and vinegar!
Smithers: Yes, sir, it is remarkable.
Mr. Burns: You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and tonic and patent medicine that there is... and all I really needed was the blood of a young boy. By the way, what's the lad's name?
Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh?
Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, one of your stiffs from sector 7G.

[Looking at Mr. Burns' delivered reward]
Homer: It's pretty small, but maybe it's a check. Okay, there's no check, just a card, but don't panic - I'm sure it tells us what we're getting and where we can pick it up! [reading] "Dear Bart, thank you kindly for the blood, Yours Truly, Montgomery Burns." ... [pause] D'OH! It's just a card!

Homer: This is some way to show your gratitude. No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait a minute, there was a card... THAT'S WHAT'S GOT ME SO MAD IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Bart: Yeah, mum, we got hosed.
Homer: BART!
Marge: [to Homer, angrily] We got exactly what we wanted out of this: we gave an old man a second chance!
Homer: I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches! AND THAT MAN BROKE MY PROMISE! WELL I'VE HAD IT! Bart, take a letter!
[Bart takes a piece of paper, and writes down the words Homer dictates to him:]
Homer: "Dear, Mr. Burns,
I'm so glad you're enjoying my son's blood, and your card was just great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You... Stink!" Could you read that last part back to me?
Bart: "You... Stink!"
Homer: [chuckles] Good. "You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy, with bony girl-arms, and you smell like..."
Bart: An elephant's butt?
Homer: [chuckles] "An elephant's butt!"

(Homer is searching for the letter he wrote to Mr. Burns)
Homer: [to Bart, haltingly emphasising] All right, think carefully. Where-did-you-see-it-last?
Bart: [imitating] The-last-place-I-saw-it...
Homer: Uh-huh?
Bart: ...was-in-my-hand...
Homer: Yeah...
Bart: ...as-I-was-shoving-it-into-the-mailbox!
Homer: D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Why did you do that?!
Bart: Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you - you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured-
Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning! [strangles Bart]

[Homer tries to retrieve his insulting letter to Mr. Burns. He fetches a hose and sticks it into the mailbox.]
Bart: Why the hose, Homer?
Homer: Isn't it obvious? I'll get the letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will be able to read it!
Bart: Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo! You know the kind of letters people write: "Dear somebody you never heard of, how was so and so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, Yours Truly, Some Bozo." Big loss! Now Bart, you keep an eye out for the mailman. Just give me some kind of signal.
Bart: Dad, the mailman's here.
Homer: That's a good one, we'll use that--
Bart: No, I mean the mailman's here!
[Homer turns, and screams in fear as he meets a postwoman behind him.]
Postwoman: Dear God! Are you planning to water the mail?!
Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run, 'cause you're a mail-lady and you know my name and address and everything, huh?
Postwoman: That's right.
Homer: Well, I'm still gonna run!
[Homer runs away, followed slowly by Bart.]

[Burns has hired a ghost writer to write his autobiography for him]
Ghost writer: Okay, first question: have you slept with anyone famous?
Mr. Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I-- [stops himself] W-what in blaze-? Now you listen to me, you secret-snatching Baudelaire! I am not some dizzy starlet who can't string together so much as two sentences! I can write this book myself! YOU'RE FIRED!

Homer: [affecting accent] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.

Mr. Burns: Who are you?
Homer's brain: Don't tell him! Give him a fake name!
Homer: Homer Simpson.
Homer's brain: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: [reading Homer's letter] "Dear Mr. Burns,
I'm so glad you're enjoying my son's blood, and your card was just great."
[Pause]
Mr. Burns: Why Simpson, you've made my day. You're a true gentlemen.
Homer: [trying to leave] Well, I--
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. [continues reading] "In case you can't tell... [getting angry] I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl-arms, and you smell like an elephant's BUTT!"
Homer: [giggles nervously]

Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the Hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.

Mr. Burns: [fuming about Homer's letter] Senile, eh?! Buck-toothed, am I?! Bony arms, are they?! Liver spots, did I?! [to Smithers] Chinless, will you?!

Homer: I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad before. And he's always kinda mad.
Marge: What's done is done, Homer.
Homer: Oh, me and my big... letter-writing pen!
Marge: Well, he can't stay mad at you forever. We'll find a way out of this - we always do.
Homer: Okay, here's my solution: you move in with your sisters and raise the kids, and I'll... go and die in a gutter someplace. It's practical and within our means... [starts crying]
[Bart and Lisa watch as Marge comforts Homer]
Bart: They always told me I was going to destroy the family, but I never really believed it.
Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

[After calling off the beating up of Homer, Smithers goes to reason with Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Smithers, how did the beating go?
Smithers: [nervous] There was no beating, sir.
Mr. Burns: No beating? Well, that's a hell of a thing! Why?!
Smithers: Because... I called it off.
Mr. Burns: [points accusingly] JUDAS!
[Lightning flashes dramatically.]
Smithers: [on his knees] I'm sorry, sir, but I just couldn't hurt Homer Simpson! He saved your life!
Mr. Burns: I see.
Smithers: I know you're mad. But I just want you to know, I'm going to stand outside the gates until you forgive me.
Mr. Burns: [softening up] No need. Smithers, once again, you've been the sober yin to my raging yang. Put her there, old pal!
[They shake hands.]
Smithers: Sir, as much as I wish this handshake could go on forever, we still have the Simpson matter to attend to.
Mr. Burns: We do indeed, old friend. We do indeed.

(Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (Calls out) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen "My crotch" lately?!
(Everyone snickers)
Moe: (to Bart) Listen to me, you little puke! One of these days, I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
Moe: Homer, hey. You shouldn't drink to forget your problems.
Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills! [belches]

Mr. Burns: We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!

Mr. Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here.
Bart: Wow, a crowbar!
Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns (only Bart likes it). Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
Homer: [bitter] Save a guy's life and what do you get? Nothing. Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!
Bart: Hey, man, don't badmouth the head!
Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
[The family laughs]

This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).


Season 3

Stark Raving Dad [3.01]

[Lisa wakes up Bart by holding his nose]
Bart: Lisa, it's 6am! [guessing] Something's wrong. Dad died!
Lisa: No, no, he's fine!
Bart: Well, whaddya know? I'm relieved.
Lisa: My birthday's in two days. I'm going to be 8 years old. It's a big number, almost double digits.
Bart: Well enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the big 1-0. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good anymore--
Lisa: Bart, will you let me pour my little heart out?!
Bart: Sorry. This old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he?

Homer: Who stole my shirt, who stole my shirt?!
Marge: I washed it.
Homer: Oh, gimme--
[He grabs his shirt from the laundry basket, only to realise it's...]
Homer: [screams] PINK?! Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different!
Marge: Well, you have plenty of white shirts...
Homer: Ooh, gimme, gimme! [takes some, but...] Oh no! Pink! Pink! PIIIINK! [sobs] It's all over, Marge, it's all over!
Marge: I don't understand how this could happen.
[Bart comes in and grabs his red cap from the laundry]
Bart: Aah, my lucky red hat, clean as a whistle!
Homer: [realises] You! YOU DID THIS TO ME! [strangles Bart]
Bart: [strangled] I must apologise...
Marge: [saving Bart] For heaven's sake, Homer, no one will notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.

[Mr. Burns views the incoming workers on a monitor; Homer clearly stands out in his pink shirt]
Mr. Burns: Who is that man in pink?!
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir, one of your boobs from Sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist!
Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. [to himself] Yes, these new colour-monitors have already paid for themselves...

Homer: Just because I'm wearing a pink shirt doesn't mean I'm some kind of pink doughnut eater... although it is tempting.

[Homer is in trouble with Burns for wearing a pink shirt to work. Dr. Marvin Monroe is present.]
Homer: Why can't you understand? My son put his red hat in with the white laundry!
Mr. Burns: Spare me the tiresome antics of the Simpsons family! [to some henchmen] Take him away.
Smithers: Actually, sir, the body cavity search revealed nothing, and we must have X-rayed him a hundred times. Maybe he's telling the truth.
Mr. Burns: Possibly... or maybe you two are in cahoots! Smithers, I seem to recall you had a penchant for bell-bottom trousers back in '89.
Smithers: Sir, that was my costume for the plant prodution of H.M.S. Pinafore.
Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. Your spirited hornpipes stole the show, as I recall. [to Dr. Monroe, about Homer] Now doctor, what are we to do about our free-willing fop over here?
Dr. Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity took months. That's all changed, thanks to The Marvin Monroe Take-Home Personality Test! 20 simple questions that will determine exactly how crazy or "meshuggeneh" someone is.
[He hands it to Homer]
Homer: [reading nervously] "Print name"? Oh...

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'OH!!... Oh, okay.
Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"
Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

[Bart fills in Homer's psychology form for him, while he watches TV]
Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices?
Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV!
Bart: [checks] "Yes." Are you quick to anger?
Homer: BART! SHUT UP OR I'LL SHUT YOU UP!
Bart: [checks] "Yes." Do you wet your pants? [to himself] Well, even the best of us has an occasional accident.
[He checks the remainder of the form "Yes" all the way down.]

[Homer hands in the form]
Homer: So, did I pass?
Mr. Burns: [chuckles evilly] No.
[Homer is taken away by orderlies]
Smithers: Careful, men. He wets his pants.

Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot]
Homer: Eh, the devil with his fly open.
Doctor: Right. [shows another]
Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're going to eat it.
Doctor: Good. [shows another, which looks like Bart]
Homer: Wait, it's... THE BOY! [angrily reaches for the inkblot, but gets restrained by two orderlies] THIS ISN'T FAIR! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?!
Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method.
[He stamps the word "INSANE" on Homer's hand]
Doctor: Whoever has that stamped on his hand is insane.

Hospital security guard: Put him in with the big white guy who thinks he's the little black guy!

"Michael Jackson": I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.

"Michael": I can't believe you've never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer.
Homer: Oh, of course I've heard of you! I mean, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know-- What'd you say your name was?
"Michael": Michael Jackson.
Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
"Michael": Well, have you heard of MTV?
Homer: No.
"Michael": Motown?
Homer: No.
"Michael": Beat It?
Homer: YOU beat it!
"Michael": Thriller?
Homer: What was that last one?
"Michael": Thriller.
Homer: Nope.
"Michael": Well, how about this? [sings Billie Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab and moonwalk, and a girlish giggle at the end]
Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet?
"Michael": The moonwalk?
Homer: No, the thing with your feet!
"Michael": Here, look. Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on the ball of your foot. [demonstrates]
Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards] D'oh!
[They both laugh]
"Michael": You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here?
Homer: Cause I wore a pink shirt.
"Michael": I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed.
Homer: What'd you wear?
"Michael": One white glove, covered with rhinestones.
Homer: [crosses his eyes and goes "bebebebebebe" with his lips]

Homer: [observing other mental patients] I don't understand, Michael. All these guys seem as normal as you or me.

Bart: [answering the phone] Joe's Crematorium; you kill 'em, we grill 'em!
"Michael": Hello? Who is this?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
"Michael": I'm Michael Jackson.
Bart: THE Michael Jackson?! [scoffs] No way!
"Michael": It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.
Bart: [unconvinced] Uh-huh. And is Elvis with you?
"Michael": He could be. It's a big hospital.
Bart: C'mon. If you're really Michael Jackson, who were your last four friends at the Grammys?
"Michael": Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles.
Bart: [suddenly excited] Shiver me timbers, you ARE Michael Jackson! Can you stay on hold while I call all my friends?
"Michael": I'm afraid not, Bart. Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a lobotomy, do you?
Bart: Hmmm... lobotomy...
[He imagines himself playing in the house and breaking a lamp. Homer, sitting down, has large stitches on his forehead and is wearing his pink shirt]
Homer (in dream): [zombie-like] That's all right, son.
[Dream ends]
Bart: Well, there's probably a downside I don't see. [noting down a message from "Michael"] Uh-huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us. Needs us. Fears he may never see us again. Got it. [hangs up] Michael Jackson, whoo-hoo! I love you, man!

"Michael": Don't you worry. Your family's going to be here before you know it.
Hospital patient: Forget it, pal. There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty.
Homer: What's that?
Hospital patient: Dating the nurse!
Homer: [whining] Oh!

Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house!
Bart: No, Mom, you said poorhouse.
Marge: I said crazy house.
Bart: Poorhouse.
Marge: Crazy house.
Bart: Poorhouse.
Marge: CRAZY HOUSE!

[Homer and other patients having a discussion sitting in a circle]
Dave: Okay, so I was working at an insurance company, right. Youngest VP in the history of the firm okay, the job was my life. Then one Monday morning I got up, I couldn't leave the house, I just couldn't--
Homer: Was the door locked?
Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there--
Homer: Was it raining?
Nurse: No, Homer. Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and crowds. Please Dave, go on.
Dave: Thank you. Anyway that day I knew I just couldn't make that long drive to work--
Homer: Were you out of gas?
[Nurse glares at Homer]
Homer: Phhh. Baby.

Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia and bladder hostility.
Marge: Doctor, if you just talked to him for five minutes without mentioning our son, Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good lord!

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe that you are no threat to yourself or others.
Homer: That is the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me! Can I have it in writing, please?
[The doctor hands Homer a framed certificate.]
Homer: [reading it] "Not Insane".
"Michael": I'm proud of you, Homer.
Homer: Thanks, Michael. You really helped me pull through this. If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
"Michael": Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily.
Homer: You are?!? Why?
"Michael": Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my Off the Wall album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.

Bart: [answering the phone] Joe's Taxidermy; you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!
Homer: [furious] BOY, WHEN I GET HOME, I'M GONNA WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR NECK AND--
[The doctors look at him]
Homer: [friendly] And, um, smother you with kisses!
Bart: [slightly disturbed] Homer, whatever they got you on, cut the dose.
Homer: Now listen. I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days. [to "Michael"] Isn't that cute? He's heard of you. [to Bart] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some beer on ice--
"Michael": Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
Homer: Are you sure you're here voluntarily?

Bart: I can't write a song. I'm only ten!
"Michael": Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records!
Bart: Hey, Looney Toons! [shows an album] THIS is what Michael Jackson looks like! YOU look like a big fat mental patient!
"Michael": You'd be suprised how often I hear that.

[Bart and "Michael" try to write a birthday song for Lisa]
Bart: [to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March] Lisa, her teeth are big and green! / Lisa, she smells like gasoline! / Lisa, da da da Disa! / She is my sistah, her birthday, I missed-ah!
"Michael": Uh, no.

[Bart and "Michael" try to write a birthday song for Lisa]
"Michael": Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight?
Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike...
"Michael": Good, that's good. [plays the piano and sings] Your training wheels come off your bike, / You start to notice boy you like. [does another girlish giggle]
Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial.
["Michael" chuckles]

["Michael" and Bart are singing a birthday song for Lisa]
"Michael": Lisa, it's your birthday, God bless you this day. You gave me the gift of a little sister, and I'm proud of you today.
"Michael" and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday, happy birthday, Lisa. Lisa, it's your birthday, happy birthday, Lisa.
"Michael": I wish you love and good will, I wish you peace and joy.
Bart: I wish you better than your heart desires,
"Michael": And your first kiss from a boy.
"Michael" and Bart: Lisa, it's your birthday, happy birthday, Lisa. Lisa, it's your birthday, happy birthday, Lisa.
Bart: Yeah!
[Song ends]
Lisa: [hugging Bart] This is the best present I ever got! Thank you, Bart. Thank you, Michael.
"Michael": [in a different voice] Well, my work is done here.
Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?
"Michael": This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowsky, and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life I was very angry, until one day I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this. [in his normal voice] All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me, and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
Homer: Not me! I got this! [shows his "Not Insane" certificate]

[The family say goodbye to Leon]
Lisa: You're a credit to dementia!

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]

[Homer receives sweepstakes junk mail for one million dollars.]
Homer: One million dollars! I'm rich!
[Homer rushes to the bank.]
Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable.
Homer: Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure?
Teller: See where it says, "Void void void" and "This is not a check," "Cash value one twentieth of a cent." "Mr. Banker, do not honor."
Homer: Shut up.

Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start now.

Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! [gasp] He'll be killed!
Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.

Homer: [reading `Reading Digest'] Hey, a cartoon!
[a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car to her husband with "Well, dear, you always wanted a compact..."
Homer: [laughs] Ain't it the truth!
Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men.
Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
[Homer gets up from the seat showing significant butt cleavage. Bart laughs.]

Lenny: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime!
Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
Lenny: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those stomach staples?
Homer: As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!

(A chauffeur holds up a sign that reads: Simpson)
Homer: Look Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi!

[Family passes by IRS building]
Marge: Look Homer, the IRS!
Homer: BOOO!
[Black employee peers out of window]
IRS Employee: Oh, boo yourself!

Piano Player: (Singing) The trading gap shuffle, we're in a heap o' trouble, doin' the trading gap shuffle, yessir!
Bart: (Covering his ears) He already sang this one!
Marge: No, that was about the budget gap. This is the trading gap.

When Flanders Failed [3.03]

Ned Flanders: Come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're going to fire up ol' Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy-nummy-num! [hands Homer an invitation]
Homer: I'll be there! [under breath] Notty-notty-not.

Lisa: [reading Flander's invitation] The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon. Incredible Ned-ibles. Maude-acious vittles.

Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.

Homer: [watching vending machine] Apple... Apple... Apple... come on, Candy Bar... [looking at an apple in the machine] Hey, I know you! You're that first apple I didn't want! That sinks it! I'm really gonna get let them have it this time! [writing on a notepad next to the suggestion box] No more apples in the vending machine PLEASE!!

Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?
Homer: [sarcastic] No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know.
Lisa: It's a German word for shameful joy, taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel...what's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa: Sour grapes.
Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything.

Homer: Well, Bart, what did you learn in karate class today?
Bart: Well, um... today we learned how to rip out a man's heart and show it to him before he died.
Homer: Heh heh heh, that'll learn him!

[Bart approaches Lisa as she cries on the playground after the Bullies stole her saxophone]
Bart: Hey, Lis. Something wrong?
Lisa: (sniffles, then stops crying) Not anymore!
[She grabs Bart by the arm and leads him over the Bullies.]
Lisa: You punks are about to get a taste of your own medicine! This is my brother...and he knows karate!
Bart: Uh-oh...

Lisa: [to Bart] I'm sure you did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.

Flanders: In times like these, I used to turn to the Bible for solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now.
Homer: Why not?
Flanders: I sold it to you for seven cents.
Homer: Oh.

Homer: [On the phone] Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME.

Mr. Burns: Oh, it's no use! Smithers, open this can for me!
Smithers: Okay, but you softened it up for me sir.
Mr. Burns: [Reads Letter] Hold it Smithers! I'll open the can!
Smithers: But How?
Mr. Burns: To The Mall! I'll explain on the way!

Homer: [advertising the Leftorium] It's all here, and it's all backwards!

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

Flanders: Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends.

Bart the Murderer [3.04]

Bart: Looks like I've got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge! [hunts through the box of cereal] Hey, it's not in here. You stole it!
Lisa: No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart.
Homer: [coming in] Hey, look what I got! A genuine official police badge! "Calling all cars! Come out with your hands up!" [Laughs]
Bart: Hey, that's my badge, Homer.
Homer: That's Officer Homer! [Laughs]

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart Simpson, you're late. Go fill out a tardy slip.
Bart: But I'm only five... [looks at the clock] ten, twenty... Forty minutes! That's pretty damn late!

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
Bart: Don't have a cow!
Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... um... What cures cancer?

Bart: Did you kill my principal?
Tony: Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache?

Marge: Oh Bart, why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys?

Tony: I didn't order this Skinner guy killed...
D.A.: But aren't you the head of this gang?
Tony: No. I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary newspaper.
D.A.: Then who is the kingpin, the capo del tutti capi?
Tony: That's the guy! [fingers Bart]
Bart: Hey!
Tony: Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.

Announcer: Blood on the Blackboard: The Bart Simpson Story! Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson!
Joe Mantegna: Bart, I'm scared! Let's go.
Neil Patrick Harris: (Slapping him) Shut up! (to offscreen character) Where do ya want it, Skinner? (gets spat on) Not smart... (fires gun)
Bart: Cool!
Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this?
Marge: Well, they said they changed just enough so they don't have to pay us.
Homer: Oh! You know who the real crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood producers!
Roll end credits, listing the producers first.

Homer Defined [3.05]


Bart: [writing a card] "To me bestest bud, Milhouse. Happy Birthday. Bart."
Lisa: Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? [reading from the card] "Hey there, ten-year-old! I couldn't afford to get you a new drum..." [opens the card, revealing a picture of a well-endowed woman] "...so how about a nice pair of bongos." Ewww...

Voice: Warning... Problem in Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: 7-G? Good God! Who's the safety inspector there?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent?
Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Thank you, President Ford.

Voice: Warning. Core temperature rising.
Homer: [wakes up from his nap] Core temperature rising? That sounds serious! Okay, okay, don't panic. Whoever's problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it.
[He looks, and sees his own board lit up.]
Homer: AH! IT'S MY PROBLEM! WE'RE DOOMED!

Kent Brockman Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass good-bye.
Smithers: May I, sir?
Mr. Burns: Ewww...

Mr. Burns: Oh, and what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin "Magic" Johnson?
Homer: Magic Johnson!? [picks up the phone] Y'ello?
Magic Johnson: Is this really Homer Simpson?
Homer: Yeah.
Magic Johnson: Wow. Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate you on averting that nuclear holocaust.
Homer: Uh Magic, What if people think a guy's a hero, but he was really just lucky?
Magic Johnson: Don't worry. Sooner or later, people like that are exposed as the frauds they are.
Homer: [saddened] Thanks, Magic.

Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
Bart: What's she got against me?
Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
Bart: [slams his hand on the table] Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!

Kent Brockman: Eenie meenie miney moe: Is Homer a hero? The answer is... "No."

Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]

Bart: Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you down for?
Milhouse: A hundred!
Bart: Consider it done.

[Krusty calls 1-900-SEX-CHAT]
Woman's Voice: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now,let's join the party!
[Krusty is connected to 4 other men.]
Krusty: Hello?
Man 1: Hello?
Man 2: Hello?
Apu: Are there any women here?
Krusty: Hello?!
Apu: Are you a beautiful woman?
Krusty: Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
Apu: This is not as hot a party as I anticipated.

Marge: Who wants to say Grace?
Lisa: Why don't we let our guest do it?
Milhouse: Bless us O Lord...
Bart: [whaps Milhouse]
Milhouse: Hey!

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: WHY, YOU LITTLE-!

Bart: Do you think about your father a lot?
Krusty: All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son...
Rabbi Krustofsky: I have no son! [slams the door]
Bart: [talking to Lisa] Great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy!
Rabbi Krustofsky: [opens door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams door again]

[Rabbi Krustofsky and other rabbis are discussing charity in a park.]
Rabbi Krustofsky: The best charity is to give and not let other people know.
Rabbis: "Ah, yes," "Mmmm" "Ah" etc.
Young Rabbi: But what if your example, hmmm, encourages others to give?
Rabbis: Aahh...
Bart: [in a rabbi costume] Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?
[Rabbi Krustofsky is not fooled.]
Rabbi Krustofsky: Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our traditions and our faith and on me! Get out of here you little pisher.

Bart: Oy, this guy's tough.

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
[Bart stares at Lisa hopefully.]
Lisa: Bart! I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew!!

Stage Director: You're on, Krusty.
Krusty: Boys and girls, let's just...[spotlight shifts as Krusty moves] I just want-[shifts again] Come on guys, I'm not doing the spotlight bit! [spotlight positions above Krusty] Let's all give a warm welcome to my father, Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. [Rabbi Krustofsky appears behind curtains to kids' cheers]
[Krusty gestures to orchestra]
Krusty: [sings] Oh mein papa, to me he was so wonderful. Oh mein papa, to me he was so good [gestures to Rabbi Hyman]. You know the words.
Krusty and Rabbi Krustofsky: No one could be, as gentle and so lovable, oh mein papa, he always understood! [to audience] We haven't seen each other in 25 YEARS!
Rabbi Krustofsky: I love you, son.
Krusty: I love you too, daddy. [Rabbi Krustofsky slams Krusty's face with a pie. Both then laugh and hug.]

Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]

Marge: Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mmm... Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

Homer: [in the country Morocco] What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
Lisa: Dad, that's Monaco.
Homer: D'oh!

[a contortionist bends himself all sorts of ways and walks away on his ears.]
Bart: I can do that, but I don't wanna.

Man at Shop: But sir I must warn you that this paw brings grave misfortune. I myself was once President of Algeria.
Homer: Come on pal, I didn't ask for your life story! Paw me!

[Homer comes back next to Marge hoding the monkey paw.]
Marge Ew, Homer where did you get that awful thing?
Homer Why at that shop right over... [Points to where the shop was and instead sees a whirlwind. He gasps] It's gone. [He then looks to the left] Oh no wait, it was over there.
Man at the Shop You'll be sorry!

[as the Simpsons board their plane at Morocco airport]
Customs Officer: Just a moment.
[He pats Homer down, and pulls up his shirt to reveal various gee-gaws taped to his chest. The airport guards start shouting in Arabic and pointing guns at Homer.]
Homer: Don't shoot, don't shoot, they're souvenirs!
Customs Officer: [menacing] You must pay a fine of two American dollars!
Homer: ...Okay.

Marge: Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going to scream.
Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying.

Lisa: [takes the paw] I wish for world peace. [the second finger on the paw closes]
Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!

British ambassador: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.

Kang and Kodos: Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!

Homer: I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, AND I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?
[The monkey paw's final finger curls up. A turkey sandwich materializes in midair. Homer takes it]
Homer: Hey! Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry. The turkey's a little dry? O, foul accursed thing! What demon from the depths of Hell created thee?!

Kodos: Well, Kang, it seems the earthlings won.
Kang: Did they? That board with a nail in it may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail so big, it will destroy them all!
[They both laugh maniacally]

[Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot]
Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

[The robot with Homer's brain comes to life by electricity, in the manner of Frankenstein's monster]
Burns: It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. WELL, WHO'S MAD NOW? [laughs diabolically]

Burns: [to the robot that previously owned Homer's brain] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cogs and camshifts - take THAT! [feebly kicks it and then walks away. The robot collapses on top of him, crushing him to death]

Lisa's Pony [3.08]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]
Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Seymour Skinner: Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in the first five rows, you will get wet.

Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store closes.
Moe: Well, why don't you go there first?
Homer: Hey! Do I tell you how to do your job?
Moe: Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer]
Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.

Seymour Skinner: And now, the boy of a thousand voices, Bart Simpson!
Bart: I would like to begin with my impression of... Principal Skinner!
[droops forward over, sticking a finger in his nose]
Bart: [dopey voice] D'uh, look at me! I'm Principal Skinner!
Kids in Audience: YAY!
Skinner: That young man just became the boy of a thousand days' detention.

Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.
Homer: Mmm.
Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
Homer: Buh.
Marge: Those aren't even words!
Homer: Snuh.
[Marge growls and shuts the light off. Homer grins.]

Stablewoman: Mr. Simpson, do you have half a million dollars?
Homer Simpson: Uh, sure, let me write you a check. [hands the stablewoman a check]
Stablewoman: Mr. Simpson, this check is dated January 1st, 2054.
Homer Simpson: Is there a problem with that?

Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse.
Homer: I've got it all figured out. By day the pony will roam free around the streets and by night, he'll nestle snugly between the cars in the garage.
Lisa: Dad, no!
Marge: That's illegal!
Homer: That's for the courts to decide!

Marge: Then I'm afraid we'll just have to give up the pony!
Homer: First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind!

Lisa: All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.

Lisa: There is a big dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
Homer: Oh no! What is it? A hippopotamus?
Lisa: No, I mean you, you big dummy!

Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]

Nick: Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allen Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
Troy: One of our best writers.
Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.
Troy: So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
Nick: Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm!
[Nick applies some Spiffy and rubs, removing all the grime.]
Audience: Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!
[The tombstone shines and twinkles.]
Troy: Quote the raven, "What a shine!"
Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95!
Audience: Booo! [a chair is thrown on stage]
Troy: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
Homer: [watching the show on TV] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
Nick: Okay, I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95!
[The audience goes wild]

Bart: Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!
Bart: Oh. Check.

Homer: Patty! Selma! What a pleasant surprise!
Patty: [grunts] Whaddya know, he's wearing pants.
Selma: I owe you a lunch.

[Sees Bart using the arc welder with his safety mask up]
Homer: BART! You can't weld with such a little flame! [grumbling] Stupid kid...

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle -- his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Flaming Moe's [3.10]

[Watching Kent Brockman's news program "Eye on Springfield"]
Homer: Wow! Info-tainment!

Homer: What is it, boy?
[Unable to speak, Bart points urgently at himself.]
Homer: Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
[Bart takes a pad and writes, "Say my name".]
Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
Bart: [exploding] Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
[Homer punches Bart in the arm.]
Bart: Ow! What was that for?!
Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm! Sorry, it's the law! Heh heh.

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.
[Janey drips some melted candle wax into a cup of cold water.]
Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.
Lisa: The wax never lies...

Moe: Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Selma: [showing slides] And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.
[She moves on to the next slide. It shows a hairy-legged Patty.]
Selma: As you can see, we never did get the hang of it.
Bart: Ay, caramba!

Patty: [showing slides] They say everyone can float in the dead sea. Selma sank straight to the bottom.

Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
Bart: I brought enough for everybody!
Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

Steven Tyler: Hello, St. Loooooouuuuuuuiiiiiiis!
Joe Perry: That's Springfield, Steven.
Steven Tyler: Yeah, right, right.

Moe: He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Homer: How could you do this to me, Moe?! This bar was going under and it was my drink that saved it! If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!

[Bart is calling Moe's Tavern to make a prank call.]
Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: I'll check. Uh, Hugh Jass? Can someone check the men's room for a Hugh Jass?
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone. [hands phone to Hugh]
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi!
Hugh: Who is this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Look, I'll level with you mister, this is a prank call that sort of backfired and I'd like to bail out.
Hugh: All right, better luck next time. [hangs up phone] What a nice young man.

Homer: [muttering] Stupid Moe, the non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed--
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take a little consolation in knowing that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaaaaaaane! [leaves the room, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [leaves again]
Marge: Well, duh.

Mrs. Krabbappel: (to Homer) Hiya scrumtious, want to ignite my drink?
Homer: You're my kid's teacher!
Mrs. Krabbappel: Single parent, are we?
Homer: No!
Mrs. Krabbappel: Well, pretend you are.

[Moe refuses to sell the formula for $1 million]
Restaurant owner: Don't be stupid. We have a laboratory for this kind of thing. We've got it all figured out... except for one ingredient.
[at the lab]
Professor Frink: Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... [reads the printout] LOVE?! Who's been screwing with this thing?!

[During a performance]
Band Member: Hey, where's Joey?
[Inside the Aerosmith tour bus]
Joey Kramer: [tries in vain to get drumsticks] Mrs. Krabappel, I really need those drumsticks!
Mrs. Krabappel: [in a seductive voice] Come and get it. [bites end of drumstick]

[The Flaming Moe's Song]
When the weight of the world has got you down
And you want to end your life
Bills to pay, a dead-end job
And problems with the wife
Well, don't throw in the towel
Cos there's a place right down the block
Where you can drink you misery away...
At Flaming Moe's (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's)
Where liquor in a mug
Can warm you like a hug
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away
Bar Patrons: BARNEY!
Woody Boyd: How's the world treating ya Mr.Gumble?
Barney:(belch)

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
Woman: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes--
Woman: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
Woman: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
Moe: Wha-?!
Moe: [stern] He's your friend, Moe. And you took advantage of him.
Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

[Homer, obsessing over Moe, is imagining that his family is repeating "Moe".]
Homer: Moe... Moe... Moe...
Marge: Bart, are you gonna Moe the lawn, today?
Bart: Okay, but you promised me Moe money.
Marge: I Moe, I Moe!
Homer: Moe... Moe... Moe...
Lisa: When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies? There's a Moetinée.
Marge: Of course! All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.
Bart: Moe Moe Moe Moe?
Marge: Moe Moe Moe Moe!
Lisa: Moe Moe Moe Moe Moe!
Bart: Moe Moe Moe Moe!
Maggie: [removes her pacifier] Moe!
Homer: [walking outside] Moe... Moe... Moe...

[Just as Moe is about to sell the drink, everyone hears Homer laughing maniacally, and they see him up on the roof girders in the style of Quasimodo]
Homer: YOU FOOLS! You poor, pathetic, misguided creatures - downing your Flaming Moes day and night, wondering all the time, "How does he do it?" Well, I'm going to tell you! [giggles evilly] The secret ingredient is...
Moe: Homer, no!
Homer: ...cough syrup! [crowd gasps in unison] Nothing but plain, over-the-counter children's cough syrup! [laughs maniacally again]
Moe: Shoot.
Restaurant owner: Thank you, Mr. Nutball. Gotta go, Moe. Tough luck. [tears up contract and leaves]
[While dancing around crazily, Homer suddenly tumbles from the girders and crashes on top of the Aerosmith band members]
Barney: Holy cow! You just fell on Aerosmith!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]

Broker: Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time in ten years.
Homer: I own stock?
Broker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain Constitutional rights.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea.
Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. [calls out] Uh, Bea O'Problem? [no response] Bea O'Problem! [no response] Come on guys, do I have a B.O. problem here?!
Barney: You sure do! [laughter]
Moe: [angrily] Oh... it's you, isn't it?!
[Bart laughs]
Moe: Listen, you! When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

[Bart has been sent to Moe's to look for Homer.]
Bart: Excuse me, I'm looking for...
Moe: (threateningly) Wait a minute! I know that voice...
[Moe turns around and sees Bart.]
Moe: (much happier) Why if it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years!

Carl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.
Lenny: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but hey, that's why pencils have erasers!

Homer: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
Man 1: Ach, nein. We are from Germany. He is from the East. I am from the West.
Man 2: I had a big company, and he had a big company, and now we have a very big company.
Man 1: We are interested in buying the power plant. Do you think the owner will ever sell it?
Homer: Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than $100 million!
Man 2: 100 million?
Man 1: [opens a briefcase of cash, counts] Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf... Oh, don't worry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.

German Managers: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

[Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, because he lost his job]'
Homer: Let me ask you something. Does your money make you happy?
Mr. Burns: Yes!
Homer: Okay, bad example.

Horst: [threateningly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
Burns: [recoils in mock horror] Oooh, the Germans are mad at me(!) I'm so scared(!) Oooh, the Germans(!)
Horst: Stop it!
Burns: [hiding behind Smithers] Uh-oh, they're coming to get me(!)
Man 2: Stop, sir.
Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me(!)
Man 2: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game!
Burns: Oh no, the Germans are coming after me(!)
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Burns: [brief pause, then resumes] [Gasp!] Noooo(!) They're so big and strong(!)
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns!
Man 2: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans(!) The Germans--
Horst: [at his wits' end] Burns, STOP IT!

I Married Marge [3.12]

Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
Homer: But Marge, this one came with a free corn-cob pipe!
Marge: Okay, let's see. [reading from the test box] "Ahoy, Mateys! If the water turns blue, a baby for you! If purple ye see, no baby thar be!"
Homer: So, which is it? Blue or purple?
Marge: Pink.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!"

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did.

Bart: Hey, Homer, why's Mom going to the doctor?
Lisa: Is anything wrong?
Homer: No, everything's fine. Your mother uh just... broke her leg.
Lisa: What!?
Bart: I smell a bun in the oven...
Lisa: Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad?
Homer: [nervously] Maybe.
Bart+Lisa: Whoa, alright! Way to go! [exchange high fives]
Bart: You're a machine, Homer!

Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house.
Bart: Oh, cool! We can race 'em!
Homer: Oh, sure! For you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings!
Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

[Homer and Marge leave a showing of The Empire Strikes Back, walking past people still waiting in line]
Homer: Wow, what an ending. Who'd have thought that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?
Man in line: [groans] Thanks, Mister Blow-the-Picture-For-Me!

Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Marge: Maybe it's the Champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
Homer: Really? It must be the champale talking.

[At Shotgun Pete's 24-Hour Wedding Chapel...]
Clerk: Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. (She hands them a punch card.) Be sure to get this puched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house!
Homer: Hey! This marriage is gonna last forever!
Clerk: (chuckling) No matter how many times I hear that, it still makes me laugh!

[During a sad part in Homer's story...]
Lisa: (sniffling) That is so sad.
Homer: Aw, come on, honey. You know how it turns out! After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household.
Bart: Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch?
Homer: Okay.

Ms. Bouvier: Shut up with that pen scratching down there.

Seminar speaker: First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. No, sir. Our model is the trapezoid!

[Homer bangs on the Bouvier's front door.]
Homer: Marge! Marge!
Mrs. Bouvier: You're too late. She's gone to the hospital.
Homer: The hospital?
Mrs. Bouvier: I'll drive you.
Homer: Thanks, Mom!
Mrs. Bouvier: Don't ever call me that!

[Homer's drive-through signal beeps]
Homer (pushes button): Yeah, whaddaya want?
Marge: My husband by my side!
Homer: You want fries with that?

Marge: Homer, do you know why I married you?
Homer: Because I knocked you up?
Marge: No! Because I love you!

[Homer is thrilled once Mr. Burns hires him at the power plant and runs out of the office.]
Homer: Only in America could I get a job!

[Homer rushes into the Maternity Ward after Marge has gone into labor.]
Homer: Marge! Where's the baby?
Patty: [indicating Marge's belly] Right where you left it!
Homer: Shut up!
Patty: Hey listen, fat boy-
Homer: No, you listen! This is my wife, this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna see it, you better give me some respect!!

Radio Bart [3.13]

Commercial announcer: ...but order now. Supply is limited.
Homer: [gasps] "LIMITED"? [frantically dials the phone] Do you have any of those microphones left?!
Warehouse clerk: [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes of microphones] Yeah, a couple...

[Bart uses one of his birthday tokens to buy a birthday sundae at Phineas Q. Butterfat (the sundae's poster makes it look huge)]
Bart: I'm here for my free birthday sundae!
Clerk: [gives him a tiny sundae] Eat it and get out.

[Bart is in the barber shop, getting a free shave with a birthday token]
Bart: Digital audio tape, my butt! When I was a kid, we had compact disks, and I don't recall no one complaining!
Barber: Damn right!

[Bart uses his coupon for a free tango lesson. His watch alarm beeps.]
Bart: Sorry, Rosarita. I'm gonna be late for my party.
Rosarita: Farewell, Senor Bart.

Animatronic Wal-E-Weasel: Hey there, I hear it's your birthday. How old are you?
Bart: Well, I'm--
Wal-E-Weasel: That’s great! Would you like us to sing you a special song?
Bart: HELL, no.
Wal-E-Weasel: You got it! Ready, Signor Beaverotti?
Animatronic Beaverotti: I'm-a-ready! And a one, and a two...!
[A chorus of other robots appear]
Robots: [singing] You're the birthday, you're the birthday, you're the birthday, boy or girl!
[Beaverotti's tail falls off and catches fire; a waiter in a Wal-E costume has to extinguish it]

[Bart uses his new label-maker to label everything in the house "Property of Bart Simpson" (including Santa's Little Helper); Homer opens the fridge and finds one of the labels on the last can of Duff]
Homer: [whining] Ooooh, there's only one can of beer left, and it's Bart's.

Homer: [grabs a box of Neapolitan ice cream] Mmmm, chocolate... [opens box to reveal that the chocolate section is empty and the others untouched] D'oh! [throws the box away and grabs another] Mmmm, chocolate... [opens box, with the same result] D'OH! Marge, we need some more chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream!
Marge: I'll get some at the store tomorrow.
Homer: Mmmm, chocolate...

Bart: [over a radio] People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force! Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless!
Homer: [listening to this] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
[Homer fetches a shotgun and runs by Bart's room, then notices him using the radio microphone]
Bart: We captured your President. He was delicious! [does an evil laugh]
Homer: [realising] WHY, YOU LITTLE--!!! [strangles Bart, but then pauses] Wait a minute... Does this mean you like my present?
Bart: [strangled] Uh-huh!
Homer: [hugs him] Aww, that's great, son! Just promise me you won't play any more practical jokes.
Bart: Okay.
[Bart surreptitiously slaps a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on Homer's pants, snickering]

Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God!
Rod: How did you get on the radio?
Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio?! I created the universe! Stupid kid!
[Rod and Tod fall to their knees and clasp their hands.]
Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you.
Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps a test of thy faith. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you...
[Rod gets up and obediently walks into the wall. He smacks his head into it.]
Bart: ... later! [laughs]
Todd: What do you want from us?
Bart: I got a job for thee. Bring forth all the cookies from thy kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch.
Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents.
Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?!
Rod and Todd: [quickly] Happy God!
Bart: Then quit flapping your lips and make with the cookies!
Rod and Todd: Yes, sir!

[Kent Brockman interviews Krusty the Clown about his music video, "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well"]
Krusty: I wanted to do something to help that boy, so I called my good friend Sting. He said, "Krusty, when do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy Thursday." I said, "What about Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse than Thursday." Then HE said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." [slight pause] True story!

["We're Sending Our Love Down The Well"]
Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,
For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...
Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
All: And we're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: All the way down!
All: We're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: Down that well!

[About "We're Sending Our Love Down The Well":]
Kent Brockman: What do you plan to do with the royalties?
Krusty Well, first we gotta pay for promotion, shipping, distribution... those limos outside that we rented, they ain't free! Whatever's left, we throw down the well.

[Lisa realises that the Timmy O'Toole incident was all a hoax by Bart]
Lisa: Bart Simpson. The idea of a little boy trapped down a well brought out the love and kindness of the entire town. When they find out you've been fooling them, they'll gonna want to cut you up with rusty razors.
Bart: Oh yeah? And how are they gonna find out?
Lisa: The police will catch you sooner or later.
Bart: [scoffs] The police? They couldn't catch a cold!
Lisa: Maybe, but I bet you're stupid enough to have left a "PROPERTY OF BART SIMPSON" label on that radio.
Bart: [realises he has] D'oh!

[Bart is now trapped down the well]
Homer: Don't worry, son. Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you can't live a rich and full life. [Homer throws down Krusty doll which hits Bart on the head]
Bart: Ow! Knock it off, you bald boob!
Homer: HEY! Don't make me come down there!!!
Bart: Like to see ya fit!
Homer: WHY, YOU LITTLE-! [He tries to get in but can't fit]
Wiggum: Put a man on 'im!
[A security guard restrains Homer]

[On TV]
Kent: So, as it turns out, we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?
Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Bart honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well. [she throws it down]
Bart: Mom, it's too big.
Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Marge: HOMER!

Bart: You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff over the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair... [sobs] I want to go home... [keeps crying]
Homer: That's all I can stand, and I can't stands no more!

[Homer and Groundskeeper Willie lead a digging operation to save Bart. Underground, Apu discovers a dead canary in a cage.]
Apu: [gasps] The canary!
Groundskeeper Willie: GAS! OUT OF THE HOLE!
[Everyone flees the hole in terror]
[Cut to outside, where Dr. Hibbert studies the canary]
Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE!
[Everyone charges back down]

[Only Sting is still able to keep digging towards Bart]
Marge: Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest.
Sting: [close to exhaustion] Not while one of my fans needs me...
Marge: Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums--
Homer: Shhhh. Marge, he's a good digger!

Lisa the Greek [3.14]

TV: So call me now! $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute!
Homer: [dials 1-909-WIN-BIGG]
Voice: You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot-...
Homer: Line.
Voice: Line.
Homer: Okay lay it on me coach.
Voice: In the game... of... Mi... am... i...
Homer: Mm hm.
Voice: Versus Cin...
Homer: Cincinnati.
Voice: cin...
Homer: Cincinnati.
Voice: nat...
Homer: Cincinnati.
Voice: i...
Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!
Voice: We must consider.... many factors... The wind...
Homer: Oh, who cares about the stupid wind!
Voice: ...is blowing from the.... south... at five...
Homer: Miles per hour.
Voice: ...knots.

Lisa: Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do?
Marge: Well, um, do you ever take an interest in anything he does?
Lisa: No. Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.

Jimmy Apollo: When you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.
Homer: [groans] Why didn't you tell me that?!

Homer: Lisa, be quiet, I can't hear the TV.
Lisa: He said Denver just fumbled.
Homer: D'OH!

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.

[Homer tries to explain to Marge that Lisa always bets on the winning team and that she has a gift]
Homer: Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show talent?
Marge: But gambling is illegal!
Homer: Oh, only in 48 states. Besides, it's a victimless crime. The only victim is Moe! Heh heh heh.

Ralph: [Concluding an essay he wrote] ...and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt Springfield]
Lisa: But what about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Homer: Don't worry, the football season's just eight months away.
Lisa: So that's it. You just needed me so I can help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [storms out of dining room]
Marge: You're a very selfish man.
[Bart is playing with a button that Homer bought him, and presses "Go to hell" three times]
Bart: Once again, Dad, great present!

Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game...
Man in Church: OH MY GOD, I FORGOT THE GAME! [runs out]

Barney: [In reference to the Duff Bowl, a parody of the Bud Bowl] Hey Homer, didn't you say that if Duff Dry wins, your daughter loves you?
Homer: Not Duff Dry, Washington!
Barney: Okay, okay. They're both great teams.

Bart: [on a lame halftime show] This sucks. Come on snipers, where are you!

Lisa: Who's winning?
Bart: You-hate-Dad is up by a touchdown.

Homer: Buffalo is going to win. Lisa hates me! [sobs]
Man: Whatcha got riding on this game?
Homer: My daughter.
Man: [whistles] What a gambler!

Homer Alone [3.15]

Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me.
Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it, if you don't mind.

Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, coming to you live from Arnie Pie's traffic copter! But let me assure you that this is no mere morning traffic report!
Arnie Pie: Hey!
Kent Brockman: Face the facts, Arnie.

[When Marge refuses to leave her car, and Homer is watching an interviewer approach her car]
Homer: Hey, sweetheart! What's the matter? Not getting enough of the good stuff at home?
[The car window rolls down, to reveal Marge at the window.]
Homer: D'oh!

[Later, when Homer has arrived at the scene]
Wiggum: Try to talk her out of there. [Hands Homer a megaphone] But don't put your lips on it or anything...

Patty: What's wrong, kids? You've hardly touched your tongue sandwiches. You want something to drink?
Selma: We've got Clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk.
[Lisa feigns yawning.]
Lisa: No thanks. I think I'll just hit the hay.
Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon.
Lisa: I'm aware of the time.

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
Bart: ...In your bed?
Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore.
[Patty and Selma chuckle. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each others hand]
Patty: Oh! "Divorce Court" is on in five minutes!
[They get up and leave.]
Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams]

Selma: Come on, kids. It's time to rub Aunt Patty's feet.
[Bart and Lisa shudders]

Bart the Lover [3.16]

[While driving home, Mrs. Krabapple's car starts to sputter.]
Mechanic: Bingo, bango. Sugar in the gas tank. Your ex-husband strikes again!

Bart: Hey, Lis. Suppose I'm writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my "A" material. What should I say?
Lisa: Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Who is she, Bart? Is it Sherri?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it Terri?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy-eye patch?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?
Bart: No! It's... homework.
Lisa: Yeah, right! "Hey, Bart! Let's do some 'homework!'"
[Lisa makes kissy faces at Bart until he shoves her over.]

(the morning after Mrs. Krabappel got stood up)

Bart: Mrs. K, whoever this guy is, you don't need him. There are plenty of other men out there.
Mrs. Krabappel (dejectedly): Name one.
Bart: What's wrong with Principal Skinner?
Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour?! (scoffs) Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play.
Bart: What about Coach Fortner?
Mrs. Krabappel: (mimes chugging a beer)
Bart: Wow. (thinks for a moment): What about... Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: Yech! I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into! (holds on to Bart shoulders) Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life... and that's so depressing, I think I'm gonna cry. (sobs)

[At the Flanders dinner table...]
Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Todd: Hell, no.
[The rest of the Flanders's all gasp.]
Ned: What did you say?
Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
Ned: Well, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
[Todd runs upstairs crying.]
Maude: Don't you think you were a little hard on him, Dear?
Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Marge: How was detention today, dear?
Bart: Not bad. I'm starting to get the hang of the floor waxer.

Marge: When my father got out of the Navy, he used to curse a blue streak. It almost cost him his job as a baby photographer.

[Homer's swearing montage]
[At Church, Homer puts a bill in the offering plate.]
Bart: Homer, that was a twenty!
Homer: DA-! [puts money in the swear jar]
[Homer is bowling, one pin still stands]
Homer: OH, YOU SON OF A-! [puts money in the swear jar]
[Homer puts gargabe in the can, Ned comes by the fence]
Ned: Hey Homer, you know I owe you one, buddy! No sooner had I shaved off the cookie-duster than a lady cast me in a commercial! (Going through his mail) I tell you, the way these checks are comming in, it's almost criminal.
Homer: YOU DIRTY BAST-! [puts money in the swear jar]
[later showing Lisa his crudely-made doghouse, which has no door.]
Homer: What do ya think, Lisa?
Lisa: How's the dog supposed to get in?
Homer: Well he just- [realises] AW...! [puts money in the swear jar]
[Later sleeping on his hammock, a beehive falls on him]
'Homer: AAAHHH...! [puts money in the swear jar, he has bee stings over his hand]

[Homer is building Santa's Little Helper's dog house and hits his thumb with the hammer]
Homer: OW! Oh, fudge. That's broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. But I'm not going to swear, but I am going to KICK THIS DOG HOUSE DOWN!

Homer: Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. [begins writing] "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."

[The family writes a final letter to Mrs. Krabappel.]
Bart: How about, "an alligator bit off my face"?
Marge: That's disgusting. And besides, if a woman really loves a man, she doesn't care if an alligator bites off his face.
Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

[The family writes a final letter to Mrs. Krabappel.]
Homer: Three simple words: I am gay.
Marge: Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in!

[Finishing the letter...]
Lisa: "...And whenever the wind blows, it will whisper the name (whispering) Edna."
Marge: That's very good!
Homer: "PS: I am gay."
[Marge and Lisa groan.]

Homer at the Bat [3.17]

[Homer tries to talk his co-workers into signing up for softball.]
Lenny: Forget it, Homer. Last year, we were 2-28.
Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season--
Lenny: Actually, it was.
Homer: Well this year's gonna be different!
Carl: Oh, yeah? What makes you so damn sure?
Homer: [smooth] I have a secret weapon. [walks away in secrecy]
[The others are mystified.]
Carl: Hey, he's been holding out on us...
Charlie: A secret weapon. I wonder what it could be...

[Charlie imagines Homer catching a ball with an oversized glove. Carl imagines Homer bouncing runs with ease, due to spring-soled shoes. Lenny imagines Homer incinerating opponents with a death ray, and chuckles evily. They all sign up eagerly.]


[Umpire talking to the captains before the game.]
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!

[Homer shows Bart "Wonderbat".]
Bart: Wow. How many home runs you gonna hit with that thing?
Homer: Let's see... We play 30 games, ten at-bats a game... Mm... 3000.
Bart: [whistles in admiration]

Aristotle Amidopoulos: The gladiators from my power plant will crush your team like nine flabby grapes!
Mr. Burns: [dark and menacing] I disagree.
Amodopoulos: Would you care to bet $1,000,000 on that?
Burns: Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting?
Amodopoulos: [confused] What, $1,000,000 isn't interesting to you?
Burns: Oh, did you say a million? I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would bait each other, and... well, you know how it goes. But yes, certainly! A million will be fine.
[They shake on it.]

Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat in order to win a $1,000,000 bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Burns: Let me rephrase that: Is it wrong if I cheat in order to win a $1,000,000 bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Burns: No Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecei "Three Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Uh, sir?
Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all the players have either retired or... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.
Burns: Damnation! All right, find me some good players! Living players! Scour the professional ranks! The American League! The National League! The Negro Leagues!
Smithers: I'm on my way, sir.
Burns: Oh, and Smithers... you have 24 hours.
Smithers: [gulps]

[The ballplayers are lining up to sign up for the softball team, the first being Darryl Strawberry]
Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry!
Strawberry: Yes.
Homer: You play Right Field!
Strawberry: Yes.
Homer: I play Right Field too.
Strawberry: So?
Homer: Well, are you better than me?
Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?
Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, smarter than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You're the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

[Addressing the team...]
Burns: As your new manager, I'm going to say this up front: No one is assured a spot on the starting line-up! I don't care if your name is Steve Sax, or Darryl Strawberry, or... Smithers, what's one of the bad players' names?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Burns: ...Or Homer Simpson! Secondly, instead of beer, from now on, you'll all be drinking this! It's a brain and nerve tonic - rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices! It promotes robust health! Of course, it has been known to cause gigantism, but only in rare cases. Try some!
[He offers it to Ken Griffey, Jr., who drinks the spoonful.]
Ken Griffey, Jr.: Wow! It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited! [Begins drinking the whole bottle]
Burns: Excellent. Now, let's begin our training, shall we? Smithers, the medicine balls.
[Smithers brings in two dramatically oversized basketballs, much to the team's dismay.]

[Carl is walking with Mike Scoscia, both pushing wheelbarrows of radioactive waste]
Carl: Hey, Scoscia, I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every night in the core, busting your butt from hauling radioactive waste.
Mike Scoscia: Well Carl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing big-league ball. I mean there, you make any kind of mistake and BOOM! The press is all over you-- [runs into a pipe on the floor, spilling radioactive waste from his barrow] Uh-oh!
Carl: Ah, don't worry about it.
Mike Scoscia: Oh man, is this ever sweet!
[They walk away. The waste is left bubbling on the floor.]

[The players are doing well.]
Smithers: What are you going to do with your million dollars, sir?
Burns: Oh, I dunno. Throw it on the pile, I suppose!

Hynpotist: [waving a pendulum] You are all very good players...
Entire Team: [entranced] We are all very good players.
Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville...
Entire Team: [still entranced] We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give 110%...
Entire Team: [still entranced] That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give.

[while picking players for a baseball game]
Ken Griffey Jr.: Pick me, pick me!
Ralph: I pick Ken Griffey, Jr.
Bart: Ah, jeez. All right, I'll take Milhouse.
Ralph: [as Wade Boggs walks by] Hey Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team?
Wade Boggs: You got yourself a player. [high-fives Griffey, Jr.]
Bart: Damn! Okay, I'll take Louis.
Ralph: [as Jose Canseco walks by] I'll take Jose Canseco.
Bart: D'OH!

Burns: Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns.
Mattingly: What sideburns?
Burns: You heard me, hippy!

Burns: [chuckles evilly] Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet. Unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen! Three misfortunes, that's possible. Seven misfortunates, there's an outside chance. But nine misfortunes? I'd like to see that!

Officer Eddie: (reading Steve Sax's license) Well, well. Steve Sax, from New York City.
Officer Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
(Lou and Eddie laugh)
Steve Sax: But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

[Scoscia, severely weakened, is in Dr. Hibbert's hospital; Hibbert scans him with a Geiger clock, which ticks rapidly]
Dr. Hibbert: Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scoscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...
Hibbert: Hmmmm. Well, I'm afraid that you're suffering from acute radiation poisoning, Mr. Scoscia.
Scoscia: Will... I... be... able... to... play... softball... tomorrow?...
Hibbert: [laughs] No, by tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe!
Scoscia: Ooooooh... maaaan...
[A nurse rushes in]
Nurse: Doctor Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you right away. We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic.
[Hibbert pulls back the curtains to reveal Griffey, Jr.. Thank to Burns' tonic, his head and limbs are swollen to gargantuan proportions.]
Hibbert: GOOD LORD! Gigantism!

[Jose Canseco comes across a house on fire. A baby is heard crying.]
Woman: My baby! My baby!
Jose Canseco: Don't worry, m'am! I'll save your baby!
[He rushes into the house and retrieves the baby]
Woman: Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco! [a cat yowls] My cat!
Canseco: Never fear, m'am! I'll save your cat!
[He rushes in again and retrieves the cat]
Woman: [piano music is heard] My player piano!
Canseco: Oh, man!

[In bed, after Homer has not made the team]
Homer: Oh, one thing I'm good at and I can't do it anymore.
Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
Homer: Like what?
Marge: [suggestive] Like snuggling... [snuggles up to him]
Homer: Yeah, but none of my friends can watch me.
Marge: [annoyed] Hrrrrmmm....

Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
Wade Boggs: [poking Barney] Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs! [punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! [disbelieving] Pitt the Elder...
Barney: LORD PALMERSTON! [punches him out]

[After Steve Sax is unfairly convicted]
Chief Wiggum: Nice work, boys! I think we can close the book on every unsolved crime in our fair city.
Steve Sax: Don't I at least get to call my lawyer?
Lou: You watch too many movies, Sax!

Homer: Where do you think you're going?
Lisa: To the game.
Homer: No, no, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt!
Bart: We've seen it, Dad.

Burns: Mattingly, for the last time, get rid of those sideburns!
Mattingly: Look, Mr. Burns, I don't know what you think sideburns are, but-
Burns: DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, JUST GET RID OF THEM!

Burns: Smithers, it's almost game time! Where the devil are my ringers?!
Smithers: Sir, Mike Scoscia may not live through the night; Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences, and Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth...
[We briefly see Smith falling through a surreal vortex (having gone into the "Springfield Mystery Spot").]
Burns: What about Canseco?
[We see Canseco. Having retrieved all the woman's things from the burning house, he arranges them for her.]
Woman: The dryer goes on the right.
Canseco: Yes, ma'am.
[Back to Burns and Smithers:]
Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
[Clemens walks by in a chicken-like manner, clucking.]
Burns: That damn hypnotist!

Burns: You! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hynotical Association-!
Hypnotist: [waves his pendulum] But I did a good job... A good job...
Burns: Oh well. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.



[Mattingly walks by, having shaved both sides of his head.]
Burns: Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME! YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM, FOR GOOD!
Mattingly: Fine. [walking away] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more! But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have said to you in the course of your lives, and go out there and WIN!

Burns: Smithers! Massage my brain!

Burns: Wait! You, Strawberry! Good effort today. Take a lap and hit the showers - I'm putting in a right-handed batter to hit for you.
Smithers: What?!
Strawberry: You're pinch-hitting for me?
Burns: Yes. You see, you're a left-hander and so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter, it's called "playing the percentages". It's what smart managers do to win ball games.
Strawberry: But I've got nine home runs today!
Burns: And you should be very proud of yourself. Sit down. [to Homer, who's on the bench] Simpson, you're batting for Strawberry!

[Burns gives Homer a set of signs he will make to help him win]
Burns: Now, Simpson, if I tilt my cap like this, it means the signal is a fake. But I can brush that off by rubbing my hands. To make you more alert, I will tap my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice...
Homer's brain: [as Burns continues] Uh-oh. I don't understand a word he's saying. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmmmmmm... potato chips...

[The song at the end, sung by Terry Cashman (it is a parody of "Talkin' Baseball", also sung by him):]
Well, Mr. Burns had done it.
The power plant had won it,
With Roger Clemens clucking all the while.
Mike Scoscia's tragic illness made us smile,
While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile!
We're talkin' softball,
From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' softball,
Mattingly and Canseco,
Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw,
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talking Hoooomer...
Ozzie and the Straw!
We're talkin' softball,
From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' softball,
Mattingly and Canseco,
Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw,
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talking Hoooomer...
Ozzie and the Straw!

Separate Vocations [3.18]

Eddie: Oh people see movies like McBain, and they think it's all shoot 'em up, Cops and Robbers. [Snake speeds past the police vehicle] Let's roll.

Lou: Where's our back-up?
Eddie: I don't know. [Walks over to the police car to Bart] Son, this goes against every regulation, but would you cover us? [Offers Bart a gun]

Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... [rubbing his hands] And I liked it!

Ms. Hoover: First question. If I could be any animal, I would be (a) a carpenter ant, (b) a nurse shark, or (c) a lawyer bird.

Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
Lisa: Janey! School is never a waste of time.
Ms. Hoover: Alright children, we have one minute left until recess, so face forward and look towards the front of the room until then.

Bart: Come on boys, break it up. That belly ain't getting any pinker.

Bart: Let's go, Milhouse.
Milhouse: Sure, we have order! But at what price?!

Skinner: Sleek, vigilant puma. Principal of the mountains.

Skinner: I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma!

Skinner: The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze, and I have you, [Bart], to thank.

Bart: [being shown the confiscated items] Madre de Dios! The legends were true!

Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie!
Homer: Oh yeah...

Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Flascock.

Homer: So what are you going to be, boy?
Bart: Policeman.
[Homer gags on his food.]

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Skinner: Complete collections of Mad, Cracked, and even the occasional Crazy!

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Skinner: Let's move.

Dog of Death [3.19]


Homer: [on the phone] Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? Uh-huh. And what's Lisa's birthday? [pause] What? You don't know your own sister's birthday? What kind of brother are you?

[Homer's fantasy of winning the lottery]
Lenny: Hey, Homer! Whatd'ya do, get a haircut or somethin'?
[Homer is revealed to be 12 feet tall & made of gold]
Homer: Look closer, Lenny!
Lenny: Oh I see it, you're the biggest man in the world now. And you're covered in gold!
Homer: Fourteen karat gold!
[Heads to Mr. Burns' office]
Homer: Take a hike, Boss. I'm running things now!
Mr. Burns: All hail King Homer!
[Fantasy ends showing Homer encrusted with jewels and wearing a crown, standing over the city and laughing evilly.]

Chief Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one... two.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [pauses] A dinosaur!

Grampa: [sarcastically] Oh, sure! The old man's off his rocker. If Grampa says he's dead, then he must be alive!
Lisa: He is alive, he's wagging his tail!
Grampa: That don't mean nothing! Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die! I'm tired of this conversation! Let's talk about something else! I'm going home! [leaves]

Homer: Oh, he's gone and he's never coming back. Wait! There he is! No, it's a horse.

Homer: [watches Santa's Little Helper eating dog food] Hey, how come he gets meat and we don't?
Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating, it's mostly just snouts and entrails.
Homer: Mmm... snouts.

Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog, one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. [admiring Santa's Little Helper] Why, here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Lottery Announcer: The first number is 17.
Homer: D'oh! [shreds his tickets]
Marge: You can still win if you have 5 numbers.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Lottery Announcer: The second number is 3.
Homer: D'oh! [shreds the rest of his tickets]
Grampa: Yeah, I knew we wouldn't win.
Homer: Then why didn't you tell the rest of us? [throws aside table, yells] WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET!? [points at Bart accusingly, Bart cringes] If you were 17, we'd be rich. But nooo, you had to be ten.

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

Homer [sobbing]: Oh, he's gone and he's never coming back!
Marge: But Homer what about doggie heaven?
Homer [still sobbing]: Oh, Marge, there is no such place!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Or, to put it in another way... there is.

Colonel Homer [3.20]

Bart: [after marking the danger spots on the back of Homer's head and connecting them into a frowning face] ...making for one unhappy pappy.

Redneck #1: Hey, you! Let's fight!
Redneck #2: Them's fightin' words!

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?
Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."


Homer: Hey Moe, you got any Fudd?
Moe: Fudd? I thought they took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.

Salesman: Now this is made from a space-age plastic developed especially for Elvis. Sweat actually cleans this suit.

Marge: Are you having an affair with this woman?
Homer: No!
Marge: Did you kiss her?
Homer: No!
Marge: Did she kiss you?
Homer: A couple of times...

Studio Manager: This studio has a lot of history. Buddy Holly stood on this spot in 1958 and said, "There is no way in hell that I'm gonna record in this dump!"

Marge: [after seeing Lurleen] I thought you said she was overweight.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen

Lurleen: Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome.
Homer: Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment...

Lurleen: Oh, Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar!
Homer: Thanks... you did say sugar, right?

Black Widower [3.21]

Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession with not dying alone. So, in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

Marge: Now, now, he's an ex-convict! He's paid his debt to society!
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.

Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two Noble Truths of the Buddha.
Homer: I am not!

[Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy while in prison]
Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Selma: That MacGyver is a genius!
Sideshow Bob: He's not a genius, he's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor.
Selma: You're lying. You're LYING!
Sideshow Bob: No, Selma, THIS is lying: [joyously sarcastic] That was a perfectly plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!

Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma! That man is scum!
Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum!

Sideshow Bob: [quietly, while rubbing Selma's feet] Soon I will kill you...
Selma: What?!
Sideshow Bob: Son pied sent-il beau. French for Her foot smells lovely.
Selma: [calms down] Oh...
Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered...
Selma: Huh?!
Sideshow Bob: Eh pah dee meh moo-doo. That's Sanskrit for Your toes are like perfume.
Selma: [calms down] Oh...
Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Voy a matar a Usted.
Selma: Wha?!
Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you...

Sideshow Bob: [singing to the tune of Sometin' Stupid] And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...

Selma: You tried to kill me. I want a separation.

Sideshow Bob: My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Bart: Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.

Bart: After trying 4 times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!

Homer: To the Simpson-Mobile!

Sideshow Bob: But wait! If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'll field that one.
[flashback; Wiggum, the cops, and Homer are all lighting up cigars]
Chief Wiggum: Me and the boys were celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...
[BOOM!]
Chief Wiggum: [in flashback] Oh, right... the gas.

Sideshow Bob: I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The Otto Show [3.22]

(Spinal Tap talks to Bill and Marty of KBBL about their popularity in Eastern Europe)
Bill: Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout your career: "Washed up".
Marty: Here you are, among the top one hundred and five concert acts today. What's your secret, guys?
David St. Hubbins: Well, after the Berlin Wall fell, our records started selling on the dismal side of the Iron Curtain. So naturally, that gave us a boost.
Nigel Tufnel: We're very big in Bulgaria. And...wossisname...the other "Garia"...
St. Hubbins: Hungaria.
Tufnel: Yeah, whatever.
Derek Smalls: I can't think of anyone who's benifited more from the death of Communism... than us.
St. Hubbins: Well, maybe people who actually lived in the Communist countries.
Smalls: Oh, yeah. Hadn't thought about that. I bet you're right.
Tufnel: Y'know, we also recently each bought our own soccer team. How many Hungarians can say that, eh?

Bill: Okay, guys, to wrap up our interview, maybe you could record some promos for the station? Something like... "Nobody rocks like Bill and Marty on KBBL!"
St. Hubbins: But we don't know that, do we?
Tufnel: What if someone is as good as you?
Smalls: Or better? I mean, we don't wanna look stupid!
Marty: Okay, then how about... "Rock-a-doodle-doo, you're listening to Bill and Marty"?
Smalls: ... Yeah.
St. Hubbins: That'll be okay.
Tufnel: All right.

St. Hubbins: I just looked out there, and there's puddles of water all over the freakin' stage!
Arena Manager: [uneasy] Okay, I won't argue with you, gentlemen... Four times a week, this place is sort of a hockey rink.
St. Hubbins: Well, this is a rock concert, not the bleedin'... "Splish-Splash Show"!

[During the Spinal Tap concert, a large devil appears and immediately deflates]
Tufnel: Well. It seems some silly twit did not get a big enough oxygen tank, but that's supposed to be a devil.
St. Hubbins: Filled up with air, it's very evil and impressive.
Smalls: We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!

Smalls: You know, for a long time, people have thought there were only five members of Spinal Tap. But they're wrong.
[Audience is silent. There is darkness due to minimum lighting.]
St. Hubbins: Can we turn up the house-lights, please?! That was the cue to turn up the house-lights so we can tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group!
Tufnel: We are trying to put a thrill into their grey little lives! [pause] Oh, forget it! Turn on the lasers!
[Out-of-control lasers appear, one half-blinding Tufnel]
Tufnel: Oh! My vision! [collapses]
[The audience is still unimpressed]
Smalls: That's it. Show's over.
St. Hubbins: Goodnight, Springton. There will be no encores!

[Homer and Marge buy Bart an electric guitar]
Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good, real fast, or POW!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him!

[Bart's rock star fantasy...]
Bart: (on stage, in front of his screaming fans) I'd like to play me latest chart-topper. It's called, "Me Fans are Stupid Pigs."
[The crowd cheers wildly. Later, Bart is hung over backstage.]
Manager: Bart, you've got to go on!
Bart: Slag off.
Milhouse: You've changed, man! It used to be about the music!
Bart: I said slag off!
[Bart hurls an empty whiskey bottle at Milhouse.]
Bart: (back in reality) Coooool....

[Bart is having trouble playing "Polly Wolly Doodle" on his guitar. Nelson meets him and Lisa.]
Nelson: Hey Simpson, whattaya trying to play?
Bart: [sadly] Polly Wolly Doodle.
Nelson: Oh yeah? Well it sounds "Polly Wolly Crappy". HA-HA! Burn.

[After Otto gives the kids a small concert with Bart's guitar]
Martin Prince: Although I am certain that I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus-mates, I must remind you that we should have been in school twenty minutes ago... AAH!
Otto: Uh-oh. Uh, better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes!
Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
Otto: Oh. Then, uh... just try to go limp!
[Otto speeds away]

[After the bus crash...]
Principal Skinner: Oh, it's a miracle no one was hurt.
Otto: Oh, I stand on my record: 15 crashes and not a single fatality!
Officer Lou: Let’s see your license, pal.
Otto: No can do. Never got one. But if you need proof of my identity, I wrote my name on my underwear. [checks his underwear] Oh wait, these aren't mine!
Skinner: Well, that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!
Otto: Who's gonna drive the bus?!
Skinner: I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. I think I can handle it...

[The song Skinner and the kids sing in the bus:]
Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver!
Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man!
He yells and he cusses!
He stinks up the buses!
Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man!

[Otto is at the DMV for the first time]
Patty: My name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?
Otto: Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I-I-I mean, I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.
Patty: (drops the green pen) I won't be needing this!

[In his test, Otto knocks down cone after cone. The last one teeters for a while before it falls.]
Otto: [cheering] All right, yeah! [to Patty] So, how'd I do?
Patty: Well, you failed every segment, and misspelled "bus" on your application.
Otto: Drag...

[Skinner (who now has five o'clock shadow and an unkept tie) is getting seriously aggravated as no one will let him turn onto the highway]
Skinner: Let me in! Let me in!... [sounds horn]
[Ralph Wiggum tries to resume the song, in his high, annoying singing voice]
Ralph: He steps on the clutch, and the toilet goes flush! Hail to the-
Skinner: SHUT UP!

(Otto comes home from failing his driver's exam and can't get his apartment door open)
Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and put up an eviction notice!
Landlord: Yeah, that was me.
Otto: You?! But... but why?
Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.
Otto: Well, can I at least get my stuff?
Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.
Otto: Wow! I had mustard?

Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster?
Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.
Bart: Why don't you come to my house? You can live in our garage!
Otto: A garage? Ho-ho! Somebody up there likes me!
[The dumpster lid crashes down on his head]

Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
Marge: What conversation?
[Bart turns on a tape recorder]
Bart: (on tape) "Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"
Homer: Marge, what were you thinking?!
Marge: That's not my voice!
Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.

Marge: Why don't you go and live with your parents?
Otto: Oh, the admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!
Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not gonna work for you.

Marge: I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of My brethren, that you do unto Me"?
Homer: Yeah, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut"?
Bart: Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house and chip in a few bucks whenever he can.
Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.
Otto: Wow! What's the catch?

Marge: Otto, you can't just sit around watching TV all day.
Otto: You're right, I should probably do a little reading. You got any "Where's Waldo" books?
Marge: No.
Otto: How about anything written from a vampire’s point of view?
Marge: No.
Otto: How 'bout books where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks-?
Marge: Otto, I think you should get a job!
Otto: Look, the only thing I was ever good at was driving a bus. Now "The Man" says I need a piece of paper to do that!
Marge: So, get that piece of paper!
Otto: I TRIED! Oh, Lord, how I did try...(groans)

[Homer walks in on Otto playing loud rock music for Bart in the garage]
Homer: Will you knock it off?! I can't hear myself think!
[They stop playing]
Homer's brain: I want some peanuts.
Homer: That's better!

Homer: Hey Bart, how come you never play your guitar any more?
Bart: I'll tell you the truth, Dad. I wasn't good at it right away, so I quit. I hope you're not mad.
Homer: [sweetly] Son, come here! [Bart sits on Homer's knee] Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll go inside and watch TV.
Bart: What'll we watch?
Homer: It doesn't matter...

[Otto is hogging the bathroom. Homer jogs awkwardly outside in his underwear]
Homer: Open up, open up! I gotta go, and no foolin'
Otto: [emerges] Hey, Poppin' Fresh! [pokes Homer in the belly] Uh, you're supposed to giggle.
Homer: [angrily] RRRRR!!!!

[After Homer discovers that Otto has clogged their sink with his hair]
Homer: That guy has got to go!
Marge: Hmmm, I know what you mean. But he is good with the kids...
[Upstairs, Otto tells Lisa a scary story]
Otto: ...And so the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind. Eventually, she swerved off the road and lost the other car. And that's when she realized that the guy in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the axe-wielding maniac hiding in her backseat!
Lisa: [terrified] Did the maniac kill her?
Otto: Natch! And you know how I know?
Lisa: How?
Otto: Because... I was that maniac.
[Lisa's scream shakes the whole house.]
Otto: [hastily] Hey, I was just kidding!

Homer: That's it, he's outta here!
Marge: Oh, Homer, we're the only family he's got-
Homer: I don't care! This is not Happy Days and he is not The Fonz!
Otto: [comes downstairs] Hey, Mr. S! [another "Happy Days" reference]
Homer: Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating, collect-call-getting SPONGE - I want you out of my house!
Otto: Heavy.

Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.
Marge: Well, maybe you should take the driver's test again?
Otto: Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over!
Bart: You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I've ever met.
Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it!

[Otto is studying for his driver's test]
Otto: "Alcohol increases your ability to drive." (flips to the answers page) False?! Oh, man!

(Outside the DMV)
Otto: I don't know about this, Bart-Dude. Your dad was right: I am a bum...
Bart: He didn't call you a bum, he called you a sponge.
Otto: SPONGE?! (punches wall in fury) Does THIS look like something a SPONGE would do?! (marches in to the DMV) I'll show him who's a sponge...!
Patty: Well, if it isn't Wee Willy Washout.
Otto: I want to take the test again.
Patty: Why?
Otto: So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big, bald HEAD!
(Patty perks up)
Patty: Really? (takes out the written test and a pen) Well, here's your written test. (whispers) I'll getcha started: B, C, D, A, B...

Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]

Principal Skinner: Now It's never easy to come to a new school so let’s make her feel right at home. Please say a big Elementary school hello to Samantha Stinky!
Samantha: Stanky.
Skinner: Oh. Right... how embarrassing for you.

A television advertisement: We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.

Lisa: According to Eternity Magazine, you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is suddenly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.

Milhouse: How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

Bart: All they do is kiss.
Marge: How cute! [pauses slightly] They don't open their mouths, do they?
Bart: No.
Marge: How cute!

Skinner: I'm sure you have some kind of hidden demons.
Samantha: I'm a good student, Principal Skinner.
Skinner: [having a flashback] Yeah, and they said I'd get a parade when I got back from 'Nam. Instead they spat on me! I can still feel it searing... So, let's just see what the permanent record has to say shall we? [reading] Hmm, no detention, fairly good attendance record. Oh, I see you beat that bed-wetting problem in second grade!
Samantha: That's in there?!
Skinner: Don't worry, They'll forget... [having a flashback] just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for eighteen agonizing months! Every night I wake up screaming!

Bart: Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree... [walks down an alley, casting his shadow dramatically] ...about to lose their priv-a-cy! [laughs evilly]

Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Mrs. Krabappel: Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans, I will now show a short sex education film. Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids may remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly and Here Comes the Metric System. I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You-Know-What.

Troy McClure: This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing, he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.
Bart: Boring!
[Samantha and Milhouse stare into each other's eyes, and smile]
Troy McClure: Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park, the ice cream social, the boat show, and various other wholesome activities. And they never ruined their fun by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day. Fluffy and Fuzzy got married! That night, came the honeymoon...
[The shot cuts to the students viewing the video]
Students: Eww!
Mrs. Krabappel: She's faking it.
Troy McClure: The most satisfying part of the night was knowing that they waited. Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful bunnies... eight survived. And now that you know how it's done, don't do it.

Mrs. Krabappel: Any questions?
Nelson Muntz: Mrs. Krabappel, how come you don't live with Mr. Krabappel?
Mrs. Krabappel: Because Mr. Krabappel chased something small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

Marge: I'm not sure that tape is helping. You ate three desserts tonight.
Homer: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies simply overwhelmed my resolve.
Marge: Uh, there's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about.
Homer: Tut, tut, gentle Marge. For here in the boudoir, the gourmand metamorphosizes into the voluptuary! [pulls off Marge's nightcap with his teeth]
Marge: What in God's name are you talking about? [Homer kisses Marge and she understands]

Homer: Now there's a Machiavellian countenance. Ooo, a sextet of ale.

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?
Homer: The vernal equinox?
Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scale!
[In the bathroom...]
Lisa: You've gained thirteen pounds...
Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them! [discards tape]

Homer: [forgetting everything he learned from the tape] Marge, where's that... metal dealie... you use to... dig... food?
Marge: You mean, a spoon?
Homer: Yuh, yuh, yuh!

Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw, come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when they're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]

Smithers: Sir, I'm afraid Homer Simpson is sterile.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh?
Smithers: One of your cabbage-heads from Sector 7-G. Take a look at this sperm sample from yesterday's test.
[Burns looks at Homer's sperm through a microscope. One is immobilised, two keep bumping into each other, and one has three eyes.]
Mr. Burns: Eugh!
Smithers: Now compare this to a normal sperm sample.
[Smithers replaces Homer's sample with a sample from himself. All the sperm are in normal, active condition.]
Mr. Burns: Hmmm... Oh, yes.
Smithers: I'm afraid radiation from the plant is the reason he's shooting blanks. He could sue us for millions.
Mr. Burns: Mother of pearl! CALL MY LAWYERS!

[Burns meets with his lawyers.]
Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you: I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injuries! You live on divorces! You live on PAIN and MISERY...! [calms down] But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart?! It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH! [calms down] I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.
Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
Mr. Burns: [sarcastic] Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement! I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT, YOU BUTTONED-DOWN MAGGOT!
Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course, where are my manners?

Bart: And now, the next event in our Living Room Olympics, the always controversial Couch Vault. [gruff voice] I do this for Stainmaster carpets, proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics.
[To Olympics-knockoff music, Bart vaults over Homer's couch using a broom. But he doesn't make it, and causes the couch to collapse in several pieces, just as Homer walks in.]
Homer: What the hell are you kids-?! [sees the ruined couch] AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh, my beautiful couch! The seats! The arms! The dream is over! [to Bart and Lisa, angrily] All right, who did this?!
Bart: We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting when we heard a creaking noise.
Lisa: We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. [puts her head on Bart's shoulder, as if in shock]
Bart: ["comforting" her] There, there. You're safe now, little sister.

Homer: Oh, why did this have to happen now during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?! [to the couch] Goodbye, old girl. We've had a lot of great memories...
[We see a series of flashbacks featuring Homer watching TV on the couch. The first is while he watches Dallas]
Kristin Shepard: (on TV) That's right - I shot J.R.!
Homer: [Gasp!]
[Next we see him watching the news, with his family and the Flanders family holding hands in front of him]
Newsman: (on TV) With the exception of a few large areas in the United States, Hands Across America was a great success.
Simpsons/Flanders: [singing] Hands Across America!
[Next we see Homer watching a documentary about the fall of Communism]
Narrator: (on TV) That's right. They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. These lithe and lively lovers of liberation--
Homer: Bor-ring! [changes the channel to Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.]
Gomer Pyle: (on TV) Sorry I ruined your date, Sgt. Carter!
Sgt. Vince Cater: (on TV) Py-le!
Homer: [chuckles]
[Back to present]
Homer: [to the ruined couch] Well, friend, you're going back where you came from: the curb in front of Flanders' house.

Lenny: We heard about your couch, Homer.
Carl: Yeah, you gonna be alright?
Homer: I guess. You know, my life just can't get any worse.
[Long silence]
Homer: That's right. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse.
[Another long silence]
Smithers (on P.A.): Homer Simpson! Report to Mr. Burns' office at once!
Homer: D'oh!

[Homer is called into Burns' office. Burns, Smithers and the lawyers are waiting for him.]
Mr. Burns: [whispering to Smithers] This is the man with the lazy sperm?
Smithers: Mm-hmm.
Mr. Burns: Ah, Simpson, you big virile son of a gun! How'd you like to be given $2,000?
Homer: [overjoyed] Would I?!
[Burns slides a form across the desk to him.]
Mr. Burns: Well, all you have to do is sign this form--
Homer: [suspicious] Wait a minute! I'm not signing anything until I read it or somebody gives me the gist of it!
Mr. Burns: [haltingly, making it up as he goes along] Well, it just explains that you've won - yes, that's it, "won" - the... First Annual, uh... Montgomery Burns Award... for... Outstanding Achivement in, er... the Field of... Excellence!
Homer: Don't I get some kind of trophy? And a big award ceremony?
[Burns turns to one of his lawyers, who nods.]

[At Homer's hastily-concocted award ceremony]
Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

[At Homer's hastily-concocted award ceremony]
Smokin' Joe Frazier: Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent". And now the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence... [starts to open an envelope]
Homer: [fingers crossed] Please, please please--
Lisa: Dad, you know you won.
Homer: Don't jinx it!
Frazier: The winner: Homer Simpson!
Homer: [overjoyed] OH MY GOD!!!

[Homer and Frazier visit Moe's for a drink after the ceremony]
Frazier: Keep those pickled eggs coming, Moe.
Moe: You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe. [sees Homer looking forlorn] What's the matter, Homer? Cummerbund too tight?
Homer: I miss my couch.
Frazier: Homer, I know how you feel. You lost the couch; I lost the heavyweight championship.
Homer: [scoffs] Heavyweight championships(!) There's, like, three of those. That couch was one of a kind.
Frazier: I know it seems bad now, but one day you'll find a piece of furniture you'll like just as much--
Barney: Hey, Frazier, shut up!
Frazier: Barney, you've been riding my back all night!
Barney: Oh yeah?! Care to take a step outside?!
Frazier: Let's do it.
[They both go outside. Barney is heard screaming before his blood and teeth splatter on the door. Everyone else in the tavern ignores this.]
Homer: [to Moe] I think I'll walk home.
[As he leaves, Barney is seen upside down in a trash can.]
Barney: All right, a peanut! [munching]

Herb: All a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea!
Fellow Bum: Then how come you're still a bum?
Herb: All right, a man needs two things: an idea, and money to get it off the ground.

Homer: I feel so empty, so alone, so... couchless.

[Homer tries out the Spinemelter 2000, a vibratintg chair.]
Homer: Full power, please.
Assistant: But, sir-
Homer: Dammit! I said FULL POWER!

[About the Spinemelter 2000.]
Homer: There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.
Marge: This money was a blessing! We can't spend it on some creature comfort.
Homer: All right, we won't get the chair! Now excuse me while I kiss the sky! [rides the chair at full force]

[Herb is about to enter the Simpson residence.]
Herb: What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me! On the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions... How to express them?
Homer: [answering the door] Herb?
[Herb punches him out, then walks inside.]

Bart and Lisa: UNCKIE HERB!
Herb: [hugs them] Bart, Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
Homer: [rubbing his jaw] You weren't so happy to see me.
Herb: Sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face!
Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just try to kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

Marge: [enters] Herb! How have you been?
Herb: Well, I've been living in a cardboard box, sleeping on grates, eating out of dumpsters... You?
Marge: Hmm, can't complain.

Bart: Unckie Herb, what advice would you give to a young boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself?
Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese. [sees Lisa looking forlorn] Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?
Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unckie Herb?
Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop"?
Lisa: I see your point.

[The family plays Monopoly. It's Herb's turn:]
Herb: [rolls a 3] Ventnor Avenue.
Lisa: And while on Ventnor Avenue, you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble. Of course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill-
Herb: Get to the point!
Lisa: 1150 bones.
Herb: [gives in the money, growling in frustration] That's all I got!
Homer: Broke again, eh, Herb? Just like in real life! [sniggers] I guess you're just not much of a businessman!
[Herb punches him.]
Homer: [whining] Ooooh...

Bart: Why are we playing games when we got two grand in the bank? Remember when Homer won the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?

Herb: How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance?
[Slight pause]
Homer: Nah.
Marge: Come on, Homer...
Herb: Thing is, I've got a brilliant plan. Give me 20 minutes and I can explain.
Homer: [whining] 20 minutes?! Oooh!

[In his presentation, Herb shows the Simpsons a drinking bird]
Homer: [in awe] It's drinking the water!
Herb: Er, yes, well, this is an example of how one little idea, carefully marketed-
Homer: [still focused on the bird] This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars!
Herb: [chuckling] No, Homer, that invention is out already. I'm just using it as an example-
Homer: [still focused on the bird] Hee-hee-hee! It's going back for more!
[Herb sharply removes the bird]
Homer: [whining] Oooh...

Herb: This is my real plan. Now these are only blueprints, so you'll have to use your imagination.
[Homer imagines all the pencil lines forming the drinking bird, and chuckles]

Herb: It's a Baby Translator! It measures the pitch, frequency, and urgency of a baby's cry, and then tells whoever's around, in plain English, exactly what the baby's trying to say! Everything from "Change me," to "Turn off that damn Raffi record!"
Marge: Oh, that's a very clever idea!
Herb: I just need $2,000 dollars to build a prototype. You'll have your money back in three months, I swear!
Lisa: I think we owe a debt to Unckie Herb. He took us into his residence and Dad destroyed him.
Bart: Homer, you know some moocher's gonna try to book you outta your money. It might as well be your brother.
Homer: All right, Herb. I'll give you the money. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb: Nope.
Homer: Okay, then just give me the drinking bird.

[Herb is about to reveal his creation.]
Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet.
Bart: Not really. We snuck a peek while you were in the john.
Herb: Oh.

Herb: Well, here it is again: [pulls off sheet] My Baby Translator!
[The machine is less-than-spectacular. The family is silent.]
Marge: [exaggerated] Ooooooooooh....
Herb: Marge, you don't have to humor me.
Marge: Well, it's pretty ingrained...
Herb: What do you think, Homer?
Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I ever saw! I can't believe we spent 2,000 bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!
Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I try, but I can't...

Maggie: [burbles]
Translator: [Herb's voice] Lavish attention on me, and entertain me.
Marge: [gasps] Maggie, you talked!
Herb: You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind!
Lisa: Maggie? Maggie? [covers her eyes]
Maggie: [burbles]
Translator: Where did you go?
Lisa: [uncovers eyes] Peekaboo!
Maggie: [laughs and burbles]
Translator: Oh, there you are. Very amusing.
Herb: So, Homer, now what do you think?
Homer: I dunno, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have just taken an existing product and put a clock on it or something...
Marge: Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these!
Maggie: [burbles uneasily]
Translator: I have soiled myself. How embarassing.

Herb: Maggie, who brought me my fortune. I'll give you anything you want in this world.
Maggie: [burbles]
Translator: I want what the dog's eating.
Homer: D'OH!!!
Herb: I'll get you something nice.


Season 4

Kamp Krusty [4.01]

Marge: Homer, do you remember your promise to the children?
Homer: Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!

Homer: Now, Bart, I made this deal because I thought it would help you get better grades, and you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistakes?

Lisa: Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria, German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, now I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria. There's only one known cure...(in baby talk): a wowwipop. (chuckles)
Lisa (pushes "wowwipop" out of the way) Don't patronize me, doctor.

Mr. Prince: We'll see you when you get back from Image Enhancement Camp!
Martin: Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.
Mr. Prince: You promised you wouldn't make a scene.

Marge: Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember, leaves of three, let it be.
Homer: Leaves of four, eat some more!

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. (pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front) This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

Jimbo:: Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy.
Mr. Black: [making a toast] Gentlemen, to evil!

Lisa: [lying in a hammock below Bart] I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

[The Kamp Krusty Song]
Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty
On the shores of Big Snake Lake
Though your swings are rusty
We know they'll never break
Kearney (spoken): Louder! Faster!
From your gleaming mess hall (over a shot of Lisa trying to eat the Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel, only to have a frog hop out of it)
To your hallowed baseball field (over a shot of Bart wearing a baseball glove and running through a field to catch a pop fly, but fails when he falls into a ditch)
To you spic and span infirmary
Where all our wounds are healed (over a shot of a grizzled, old nurse supposedly treating a kid with a broken arm, but instead uses his cast to light her cigarette and blows smoke in his face)
Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty (over a shot of Bart, Milhouse, and Lisa running down a hill...)
Below Mount Avalanche (...just as an avalanche of rocks rolls down as well)
We will always love Kamp Krusty
A registered trademark of the Krusty Korporation, all rights reserved!
(a faint creaking sound is heard. Soon the bleachers collapse and all of the kids fall down, groaning)

Lisa: [in her letter home from camp] Dear Mom and Dad: I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty!
(cut to shot of tired, haggard children marching in the woods)
Lisa (voiceover): Our nature hikes have become grim death marches...
(cut to Milhouse collapsing from exhaustion. Kearney walks over to Milhouse and pokes him with his hiking stick)
Milhouse (weakly): A snake bit me.
Kearney: Back in line, maggot!
(cut to the interior of a cabin where a shirtless Kearney is beating a drum as the campers are sewing)
Lisa (voiceover): Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian work house.
Jimbo (as he gathers the finished wallets in a box): Come on, wimps. These Gucci wallets have to run the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.
(Kearney beats the drum faster)
(cut to a pan shot of kids shivering and warming themselves over a small fire in their cabin. One kid plays a sad tune on a harmonica)
Lisa (voiceover): Bart makes it through the days, relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the Clown will come through...
(pan shot continues, showing a traumatized Bart clutching his Krusty doll and muttering, "Krusty is coming" over and over again)
Lisa (voiceover): ...but I am far more pessimistic.
(cut to a shot of Lisa, dressed in a cloak, giving the letter and a flask of whiskey to a horse messenger)
Lisa: (voice-over) I am not sure if this letter will reach you, as our lines of communication have been cut. (the horse messenger yells, "Giddy-up!" before he gallops away as Lisa looks on into the night): Now the effort of writing has made me lightheaded, so I close by saying, "SAVE US! SAVE US NOW!" Bart and Lisa.
(cut to Homer and Marge reading the letter in their bedroom, smiling instead of showing concern for the ghastly descriptions)
Homer: Heh-heh. Ah, kids letters from camp.
Marge: Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't wanna leave!
(cut to an exterior shot of the broken-down cabin during a thunderstorm. The wind and rain come down hard enough to blow the roof away)
(cut to the interior of the cabin where several children--Bart and Lisa included--are clutching onto the wooden posts of their bunk beds to keep from flying in the wind. One kid loses his grip and is swept in the storm)
Bart: Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job!

Mr. Black: Now, I promised you kids a treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is! Krusty the Clown!
Bart: [nudging Milhouse and Lisa] See? I told you Krusty would come! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!

Bart: That does it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time, he's gone too far!

Mr. Black: [as the children riot] I thought you said you broke their spirits!

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

[Homer is watching a news coverage of the Kamp Krusty rebellion]
Kent Brockman: I've just been told that I can have an exclusive interview with the ring leader.
Homer: [thinking to self] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.
[Kent Brockman walks into the tent to reveal a painted Bart sitting in a crude throne]
Homer: D'oh!
[Homer instantly loses the extra hair he grew and gains the weight he lost while Bart was away]

Bart: [while being interviewed live by Kent Brockman]I just want everyone to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say 'crappy' on TV?
Kent Brockman: Yes, on this network, you can.

Bart: Krusty, they fed us gruel! They forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty: Oh my God!
Bart: Actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty: Oh my God!

A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]

Mr. Boswell: Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleader tryouts were thirty years ago. Let's grow up, shall we?
Bart: [chuckling] He's such a bitch!

Llewellyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning, for a fourth.

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.

[at the dinner table]
Homer: Marge, salt me!
Marge: [with deep Southern accent] Here you ah, Homah.
Homer: What the-- why are you talking like that?
Marge: The play's tomorrow night, and Ah've got to stay in charactah.
Lisa: [also with deep Southern accent] Mom, would it help if Ah talked like this, too?
Marge: It might.
Bart: [with a cockney accent] And I'll talk loike this! Bob's yer uncle, mate!
Marge: That really doesn't help, Baht.
Lisa: [to Homer] Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' me a li'l ol' biscuit?
Bart: Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver!
Homer: I'm living in a cuckoo clock!

Llewelyn Sinclair: Perhaps we're all a little mad, we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites into white-hot greasefires of pure entertainment! [To Otto] Except you, you're not working out. I'll be playing your part.
Otto: Drag.

Ned: [in the play] Stellaaa! Stellaaa! Can't you hear me yella? You're puttin' me through hella! Stella. Stellaaa!

[In the play, Marge is suspended in midair and is swooping around the stage]
Bart: Cool! She can fly!
Lisa: I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.

Bart Simpson: [Playing with the flying mechanism after the show] Hey, look at me! I'm Blanche DuBois!

Homer the Heretic [4.03]

[Homer dreams that he is an unborn baby]
Homer: Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.
[Swims up and down, to the tune of "The Blue Danube."

Homer: [snugly wrapped in bed] Ah, I'm just a big toasty cinnamon bun. I never wanna leave this bed! Uh-oh. Gotta take a whizz. Think, Homer, think. Think, think, think! Aw... I better get up.

Homer: [in the bathroom] I'm whizzin' with the door open... and I love it!

[While Willie tries to open the frozen church doors]
Lisa: Our Father, who art in Heaven...
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time, nor the place!
Rev. Lovejoy: How's it coming Willie?
Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!

[In a dream, the Simpson house's roof is torn away and Homer is aghast at whoever came in.]
Homer: God?
God: THOU HAST FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!

God: You know, sometimes I'd rather just sit back and watch football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.
God: Oh yeah.

Homer: What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?
Bart: Amen, brother!
Homer: And don't you think the almighty has better things to do than wonder where one guy spends one measly hour of his week?
Bart: Tell it, daddy!
Homer: And what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!
Bart: [claps and waves arms] Testify!

Todd Flanders: Dad, the heathen's getting away!
Ned Flanders: I see him, son.

Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26 - "The foolish man who built his house on sand."
Homer: And you remember Matthew... 21:17!
Rev. Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?
Homer: Yeah... [regains his nerve] think about it!

Marge: Homer, don't make me chose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you are. Always taking someone else's side; Flanders, the water department, God...

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked guy". He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that either. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?

Krusty: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. [choking up] There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere! [sobbing] It was terrible...!
Homer: Wait a minute! Is this a religious thing?
Krusty: A religious clown thing, yes.
Homer: Sorry.
Krusty: Well, bless you anyw-
[Homer shuts the door in his face.]

Homer: Ahh! Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Oh, wait, the song! The song! [singing] "When the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something, something, then you'll see. You'll avoid catastrophe"... D'oh!

[Some burning wreckage from Homer's house falls onto Ned's and the roof begins to burn]
Homer: Hey, Flanders is a regular Charlie Church and God didn't save his house!
[a rain cloud appears above the fire in Neds house, puts it out, and then changes into a beautiful rainbow]
Homer: D'oh!

Insurance Agent: Any valuables in the house?
Homer: Well, there was the Picasso, my collection of classic cars...
Insurance Agent: Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.
Homer: [miffed] Well that's just great!

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid. Be they Christian, [points to Ned] Jew, [points to Krusty] or [points to Apu] ...miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super!

Homer: Lord, I have to ask you something. What's the meaning of life?
God: Oh Homer, I can't tell you that. You'll find out when you die.
Homer: But I can't wait that long.
God: You can't wait six months?
Homer: [moaning] No, tell me now.
God: Well... okay. The meaning of life is-- [cut off by the credits]

Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]

[Lisa is upset by her ugly looks in a caricature]
Homer: Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
Lisa: I'm an ugmo!
Homer: Now that's not true! You're cute as a bug's ear!
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff.
Homer: (to Grampa) Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!

Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [sings] There once was an ugly duckling...
Lisa: [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?!
Marge: No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks [looks uncertain] that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm...

Homer: Alright, boy. When Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big deal about how she looks.
Bart: She'll see through me like grandma's underpants!
Homer: No she won't! When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get a little something back in return!
Bart: Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older.
[Homer imagines Marge mowing the lawn as he lies back in the hammock. Marge and Lisa enter. Lisa sports a curly new hairdo.]
Homer: [gasps] Is that Lisa? Oh, I gotta call Heaven. There's an angel missing!
Bart: And who's your little school friend? Wait a minute... that's Mom!
[The girls are flattered.]
Marge: I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.
[They leave. Bart and Homer high-five.]
Bart: Dad, you know anything else about women?
Homer: Nope, that's it.

Krusty: [Spelling out "Little Miss Springfield" with song]
L, the losers in her wake,
I, the income she will make,
T is for her tooth-filled mouth,
T is for her tooth-filled mouth...

Kent Brockman: The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK."

Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in the pageant?
Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do!
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It's a deal!

Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]

Creepy shop owner: Take this object, but beware, it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooooh, that's bad.
Creepy shop owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Creepy shop owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Creepy shop owner: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That's good!
Creepy shop owner: The toppings contains Potassium benzoate.
[Homer stares blankly.]
Creepy shop owner: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Grandpa: That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEEEEEEVIL!
Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
Grandpa: I just want attention.

Mr. Burns: [about bringing Marge along on their voyage] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Carl: Hey, I hear we're going to Ape Island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes. But they're not so big.

[Bart and Lisa run into the living room.]
Lisa: Dad! We did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes!
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Alright then.

[Homer blasts Flanders with a shotgun, as he tries to attack them as a zombie]
Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

Lisa: Thank God we didn't turn into a bunch of mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh! TV!
[The family stare blankly at the television. A thud is heard, followed by a laugh track.]
Homer: Man... fall down. Funny.
Family: Mmmmmm...

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]

Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: Now who's being naïve?

Chief Wiggum: Awww, isn't that cute? A baby driving a car. and look, there's a dog driving a bus!

Bart: Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking? [drops his pants and bends over] Come on, go nuts!
Homer: Don't point that thing at me!

Homer: You know when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: [restrained] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

[Lisa returns from seeing the Itchy & Scratchy Movie]
Bart: So, how was it?
Lisa: It wasn't that great...
Bart: Be honest.
Lisa: It was the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! And you wouldn't believe the guest stars who did cameos! Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson - of course, they didn't use their real names, but you could tell it was them!

Homer: If I stick to my guns, the boy could end up as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If I fail, the most he could end up accomplishing is winning in a Mr. Tight Buns competition. I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I can't let that happen.

Kent Brockman: I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater where, after ten months and nine Academy Awards, The Itchy and Scratchy Movie, is playing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie, starring Liza Minelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be as successful? Only time will tell.

Elderly Homer: Which one's the mouse?
Elderly Bart: Itchy.
Elderly Homer: Itchy's a jerk.

Marge Gets a Job [4.07]

[Homer watches a tape: "The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair."]
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as 'Mothballing Your Battleship,' and 'Dig Your Own Grave and Save!' Now over the next six hours I'll be taking you through the 'dos' and 'do not dos' of foundation repair. Ready?
Homer: Ready!
Troy: First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel.
Homer: [to Bart] Hand me my patching trowel, boy.
[Bart shrugs.]
Homer: Hmm.
Troy: Now, do you have extruded poly-vinyl foam insulation?
Homer: No.
Troy: Good! Assemble the aluminum J-channel using self-burring screws. Install!
Homer: What do I do for-
Troy: After applying brushable coating to the panels,
Homer: Wait a minute-
Troy: You'll need some corrosion resistant metal stucco lath.
Homer: Wait a minute!
Troy: If you can't find metal stucco lath,
Homer: Uh-huh?
Troy: Use carbon-fiber stucco lath!
Homer: Uh-hohh!
Troy: Now parge the lath!

Smithers: I prepared a special musical number for Jack's special night.
Smithers: There is a man
Chorus: There is a man!
Smithers: A certain man
Chorus: A certain man!
Smithers: A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land. You know his name
Chorus: You know his name!
Smithers: It's Mr. Burns
Chorus: It's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He loves a smoke, enjoys a joke
Burns & Chorus: Ah ha ha ha!
Smithers: Why he's worth ten times what he earns.
Chorus: He's Mr. Burns!
Burns: I'm Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He's Monty Burns!
Burns: I'm Mr. Burns!
Smithers & Chorus: To friends he's known as Monty but to you it's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: Bur-bur-bur-bur-Burns.
Burns: Burns!

Smithers: This résumé is very impressive. Let me be the first to say Abibu gazini.
Marge: What?
Smithers: "Welcome aboard." I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

Marge: So what do I do?
Smithers: Mrs. Simpson, according to your résumé, you invented this machine.

Burns: I must have her! Smithers, zoom in. Closer! Closer! Closer, dammit!
[the camera hits Marge in the forehead]
Marge: Ow!
Burns: Too close.

Burns: I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
Smithers: Mmmmm... [has the exact vision, with Mr. Burns flying straight through his window onto his bed.] You've been reading my wishbook, sir.

Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office. Right next to mine! [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office!
Burns: Don't worry, Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[In the Men's Room, Smithers has finished cleaning the urinals.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
[Homer bursts in.]
Homer: Oh man, I gotta...[Unzips his pants in front of the urinal that Smithers just cleaned.]
Smithers: NOOOOOOO! [Smithers' scream is heard in the hallway.]

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf?
Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear!

Repairman: You know the problem here is water leakage, if you just buy a 50 cent washer.
Homer: I have a better idea, GET THE HELL OUT!
Repairman: Look, I've got some washers in my truck, I'll give you one.
Homer: Marge, get my gun.

[Mr. Burns' impression of Homer shows him muscled up, long-haird & handsome ala Fabio]
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns gave me a raise today!
Fantasy Homer: Haha! The senile old fool!
[Back in reality...]
Mr. Burns: You're fired!
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm going to sue the pants off you!
Mr. Burns: Oh, you don't have to sue me to get my pants off!

[Homer and Marge visit Lionel Hutz's office.]
Marge: So, do you think we have a case?
Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck! Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice! (He pulls out a liquor bottle from his desk) Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's nine-thirty in the morning!
Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days! (He takes a swig) Last chance! (He finishes it off) Oh, yeah...

Grampa: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.

New Kid on the Block [4.08]

Mrs. Winfield: My husband and I have decided to move.
Homer: You're going to run out the clock in Florida, eh?
Mrs. Winfield: Well, yes. There's a few things you could do to help us sell our house. First, whenever you walk in front of your windows, could you please wear pants?
Homer: Mmm... no.
Mrs. Winfield: Second, could you please take away your old jack-o-lanterns from past Halloweens?
Homer: Mmm... no.
Mrs. Winfield: And can you please cover your garbage? It's attracting wildlife!
[Homer sees a moose eating his garbage.]
Homer: Hey, what? Hey, moose, shoo! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Get off my lawn! Stop!
[The moose charges at Homer, who immediately slams the door shut.]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line...]
Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... put it down...

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]

Homer: [drunk] So I sez "Yeah? If you want that money, come and find it, 'cuz I don' know where it is, ya baloney!" You make me wanna retch! [falls asleep]

[At the Frying Dutchman, Homer continues to eat everything in sight. The waitstaff look on.]
Waiter: That man ate all our shrimp! And two plastic lobsters!
Capt. McAlister: 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!
[He approaches the table.]
Capt. McAlister: Six bells! Time for closin'!
Homer: Can't talk. Eating.
Capt. McAlister: Fairly warned be thee, says I!
[He snaps his fingers. The waitstaff forcibly remove Homer from the table and drag him outside. However, Homer breaks free and runs back inside to shovel more food in his mouth. Again, the waitstaff drag him away.]
Homer: But the sign said "All you can eat!"

Homer: Sorry Marge, this is my quest! I'm like that guy. That Spanish guy. You know, he fought the windmills.
Marge: Don Quixote?
Homer: No, whats-his-name. The Man of La Mancha.
Marge: Don Quixote.
Homer: No!
Marge: I really think that was the character's name, Don Quixote.
Homer: Fine, I'll look it up [gets a book of the shelf]
Marge: Well, who was it?
Homer: Never mind.

Bart: [calling Moe's Tavern] I'm looking for Amanda, last name Huggenkiss?
Moe: Yeah, just a sec. I'll check. [calling out to the patrons] Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm lookin' for Amanda Hugginkiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[The patrons laugh.]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B. Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones and I live on 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Moe: Ha! Big mistake, pal!

[Moe barges into the Simpsons' house and charges Jimbo with a knife. Jimbo starts to cry.]
Moe: Ah c'mon! I wasn't gonna kill ya. I was just gonna cut ya.

Laura: Hello. I'm looking for Ms. Tinkle, first name, Ivana?
Moe: Wait a sec. Ivana Tinkle! Everyone put down your glasses! Ivana Tinkle!

Mr. Plow [4.09]

Insurer: This place Moe's you were at, just before the accident... this is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar... but what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh! I would've never thought of that!

[at an auto exhibit where a blonde model poses together with a car for a raffle.]
Homer: [looks at model after signing his raffle ticket] Do you come with the car?
Model: Oh you! [laughs childishly]
[Homer leaves. Another man walks up to the car]
Male attendee: [looks at model after signing his raffle ticket] Do you come with the car?
Model: Oh you! [laughs childishly]

Homer: Adam West! Hey, kids - Batman!
Lisa: Dad, that's not the real Batman!
Adam West: Of course I'm Batman. See? [Pulls out a photo] Here's a picture of me with Robin.
Bart: Who the hell's Robin?
Adam West: Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer...ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Merriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn't need a molded plastic suit to improve my physique [Taps chest] Pure West. and how come Batman doesn't dance anymore, remember the Bat-tussi? [he starts dancing the Bat-tussi]

[Barney, dressed in a diaper, hands out flyers for a baby furniture store.]
Barney: 20% off at Lullabuy's! Just tell 'em Big Baby sent ya! I know you can hear me. I'm talkin' to you!
Passer-by: You sicken me.
Barney: [to Homer] I guess guys like us just can't get a break. Well, at least I can't sink any lower!
[At that moment, a gust of wind blows Barney's diaper off. He runs after it, stark naked.]
Barney: Come back, diaper! [he turns a corner and stops.] Hi, Ma!

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

[On the Mr. Plow commercial]
Bart [on commercial]: [to Homer] You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr. Plow?
Homer [on commercial]: Shut up, boy.
[Homer looks at Bart threateningly while they watch]

Homer: Call Mr. Plow, that's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.

[After the Mr. Plow commercial has aired]
Homer: Well, John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play the waiting game...
[Several seconds pass...]
Homer: Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.
Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] forty five minutes ago!
Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Female customer: ... Well, I guess you can plow my driveway, but I wonder what happened to the Plow King...
Homer: Oh, I guess he just doesn't respect his customers.
Female customer: Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my assphalt?
Homer: [under his breath] Kiss my assphalt.
[Back at home, Homer is talking to his family on the couch]
Homer: So I says, kiss my assphalt!! Hmm? Hmm?

Lisa's First Word [4.10]

[The family tries to get Maggie to talk.]
Marge: Maggie, can you say "Mama?" Can you say "Baba?"
Bart: Can you say "Get bent?"
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Mr. Rogers says it all the time!
Marge: He does not!

[Maggie removes her pacifier, opens her mouth and...]
Maggie: [Burp]
Homer: Did you hear that? She said "burlap!"
Marge: I don't think so...

Bart: What was my first word?
Marge: Hmmm...
[Flashback to baby Bart walking on his parents "snuggling"]
Baby Bart: Ay caramba!
[Returns to present]
Marge: I don't think I remember.

Young Bart (after a night sleeping in Homer's horrific clown bed): Can't sleep, clown will eat me.

[Homer and Marge try to pry Bart from his crib. He holds on tight and wails loudly.]
Marge: Honey, from now on the baby sleeps in the crib.
Bart: Crib! Crib! I'm a baby!
Homer: [to Marge] I know how to handle this, Marge. I'll try a little reverse psychology. [aloud] Let's go, Marge. Leave the baby with his little crib. [leaves the room, then comes back seconds later to pry Bart off. Bart still won't let go and cries even louder.]

[Krusty finishes filming a commercial for his Krusty Burger Olympic Contest.]
Accountant: Great spot, K.C!
Krusty: Put a sock in it, Preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
Accountant: Not to worry, Mr. K, we rigged the cards. They're all events the Communists never lose!
Krusty: I like, I like!
Assitant: (handing Krusty a piece of paper) This just came over the wires, Big K!
Krusty: (reading) Uh-huh... Soviet boycott... US unopposed in most events... how does this affect our giveaway?
Accountant: (puches up the numbers on his calculator) You personally stand to lose $44 million.
Krusty: (cries loudly) Oy!

Krusty: [on TV] YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! [cries] I, personally, am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: I like those odds!

[After Lisa is born)
Homer: Little Lisa. I already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan
Marge (reading "Fretful Mother" magazine): According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
Homer: Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.

Homer: (to Baby Lisa) Can you say Daddy?
Baby Lisa: Homer.
Homer: No sweetie, Daddy.
Baby Lisa: Homer.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: (to Maggie) You know Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. (switches lights off) I hope you never say a word. (goes out)
Maggie: Daddy.

Young Bart: Krusty funny.
Homer: Well, duh.

Todd Flanders: I get to clothe the leper.
Rod Flanders: Lucky!
Ned Flanders: Supper time boys!
Todd Flanders: Oh boy, liver!
Rod Flanders: Iron helps us play!
Ned Flanders: Indeederini!

Marge: I'm afraid we're gonna need a bigger house.
Homer: No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Homer: Dad, I've got a problem.
Abe: Why'd ya come to me? I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. (holds up a wrinkled hand): Now they're gone! Withered away like an old piece of fruit! (sobs)

Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB on a suspect driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless, repeat hatless!

Mr. Burns: (watching Homer eating donuts on the security monitor; talking indirectly to Homer) Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on my time. That's right keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned donut. (Turns to Smithers) There is a poisoned one, isn't there, Smithers?
Smithers: No, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!

[Homer sits in Rev. Lovejoy's office.]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing, I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishoners. Anywho, can I have $40,000?
[Rev. Lovejoy lookes annoyed. Cut to: Rabbi Krustofsky's office.]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew. But I rented "Fiddler on the Roof," and I will watch it! Anyhoo, can I have $40,000?
[Rabbi Krustofsky also looks annoyed. Cut to: A Hindu temple.]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best... ah, forget it!

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Meh. [shrugs].

Homer: Kids, kids, I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Umm... he sold poisoned milk to school children.

Krusty: I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

[Dr. Nick watches a video on how to perform a surgery]
Narrator: (on video) Insert the retractor until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [crrrraaacckkk]
Dr. Nick: Oh, no! Blood! Ugh!

Dr. Nick: (As Homer is falling asleep on the surgery table) What the hell is that?

Apu: Poor Mr. Homer! Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
[A customer enters.]
Customer: Gimme some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Customer: What the hell, sure.

[At Moe's Tavern...]
Moe: Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
[The barflies all bow their heads. After a short silence...]
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no!

Dr. Nick: [while operating on Homer] Uhh the hip bone's connected to the something. The somethings connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch. Uh-oh.

Mr. Mckreg: Dr. Nick Riviera! Remember me?
Dr. Nick: Well, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McCraig, with a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg!

Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]

[in the Flintstones parody; Power Plant Worker blows a whistle]
Homer: Yabba, dabba doo! [runs out of his office, slides on his feet out the buildings window on a pipe, smashes through his car and drives away]
Homer: [singing to "Meet the Flintstones"] Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree! AAAAAAAAAHHH! [Homer hits said tree]

EPA Agent: Agent Malone, Environmental Protection Agency. Some Boy Scouts stumbled on your little game of "hide the ooze."

Homer: [reading the newspaper] Heh heh heh. Oh, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk. Heh heh heh.

Genghis Khan: Hello, Lisa. I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I go. Defile what I defile. Eat who I eat. Hmmm?

Marge: I think the money should be spent on something the whole town can be proud of.
Homer: Like a giant Billboard that says "no fat chicks"?

Quimby: We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the two million dollars.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean three million dollars?
Quimby: [nervously] Of course... how silly of me.

Mr. Burns (poorly disguised): Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub, and I come from... some place far away. [to himself] Yesss, that'll do. Anyway I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks!

Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is a little like the mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[audience laughs]
Homer: Heh heh heh... Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! [audience gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! [unrolls a U.S. map where Brockway, Ogdenville and N. Haverbrook are the only cities labeled, having been crudely scrawled in]

Homer: [after the Monorail song ends] Mono- D'OH!

Lyle Lanley speaks to Ms. Hoover's second grade class
Lanley: Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?
Lisa: Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass transit system in a small town with a centralized population.
Lanley: Ha-ha. Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
Lisa: Really?
Lanley: Oh, I could give you an answer, but the only one who would understand it would be you and me (leans in) and that includes your teacher. (Lisa giggles) Next question. You there, eating the paste.

John Truckasaurus: [As voiced by Marlon Brando] You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.

Homer is watching TV when a commercial comes on. It depicts a man bearing a strong resemblance to Homer at this very moment
Lyle Lanley: Are you stuck in a dead-end job?
Homer: Maybe!
Lyle Lanley: Are you squandering the precious gift of life in front of the idiot box?
Homer: What's it to ya?!
Lyle Lanley: Are you on your third beer of the evening?
Homer: Does whisky count as beer?
Lyle Lanley: Well, maybe it's time you joined the exciting field of monorail conducting by enrolling at the Lanley Institute!
(photograph shows an impressive building)
Disclaimer: Actual institute may not match photo.

Homer: Marge, I want to be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game. And you did it last year, remember?
[Shows newspaper clipping on wall accompanied by "charge baseball music" The picture shows Homer running on the field before an angry crowd with the caption "Idiot Ruins Game; Springfield Forfeits Pennant."]

Bart: Y'know? I used to think you were stuck in an emasculating, go-nowhere job.
Homer: Heh, heh... Kids.
Bart: But now, I want to follow in your footsteps.
Homer: [excited] Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Ho-Ju!
Bart: [appropriate pause] I'll get back to you.

Marge: According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour! What if something goes wrong?
Homer: [scornfully] "What if." What if I'm taking a shower and slipped on a bar of soap? [realizes] Oh, my God! I'd be killed!

Lanley: So then, "mono" means "one." And "rail" means "rail." And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
Otto: Hey wait, man! Who gets to be conductor?
Lanley: Oh, right that. Well I've been monitoring your progress closely, [close-up of Lanley's notebook, which shows a stick figure drawing of himself going to Tahiti with the town's money] but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. [slowly moves his hand across the screen, which is so vague that it leads everyone to think they got the job]
Homer: Who? Me?
Lanley: Yeah. Sure.
Homer Woo-hoo!

Marge: [opening the fire extinguisher door in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one "Bitey."
(Matt Groening has said this was his favorite Simpsons line from season 4, written by Conan O'Brien)

Leonard Nimoy is the grandmaster of the monorail unveiling:
Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Marge: We're too late!
Cobb: I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

Marge: How fast are they going?
Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai! (super fast as monorail whizzes by platform)
Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, a hundred eighty miles an hour.

Chief Clancy Wiggum: (watching the out-of-control monorail at the control tower) Ugh, making me dizzy. I'm gonna take a nap.
Mayor Quimby: (entering) All right, I'm in charge here!
Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Quimby: Watch it, you walking tub of donut batter!
Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass! Now beat it! I'm calling the shots!
Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain. The town charter says that in an emergency, I run the show!
Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
Wiggum: Fine! (calm) Should we take one car, or should I follow you?

[Looking over the town charter while the monorail zooms by outside.]
Wiggum: Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable I'm supposed to a pig every month. And "two comely lasses of virtue true."
Quimby: Keep the pig. How many broads do I get? (grabs the charter)
Wiggum: Hey, let go! You're rippin' it!
Quimby: No, you are!
Wiggum: No, you are!
Quimby: Let go! That's the charter! [the monorail zooms by outside]

Technician 1: Wat a minute! We can just shut off the power!
Technician 2: No such luck. It's solar powered.
Technician 1: [disgusted] Solar power. When will people learn?
[A solar eclipse takes place outside]
Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet... goes on.
Passenger (sitting next to him): Does anyone wanna switch seats?

Captain: [over plane's PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our non-stop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
Lyle Lanley: North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? [realizes] Oh, no... OH, NO!
[An angry mob watches the plane land]
Townsman: There he is! Seat 3-F!
[The mob storms the plane and violently 'thanks' Langley]

Krusty: [banging on an emergency door] Krusty wants out! [opens the door and jumps, but Nimoy catches him]
Leonard Nimoy: No! The world needs laughter.

Homer: Are we gonna die, son?
Bart: Yeah, but at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

Marge: [on radio] Homer? Homer!
Homer: Y'ello?
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's not Batman!

Cobb: I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort!
[Homer looks around for something to use an anchor, his eyes rest on Bart, who transforms into an anchor with eyes and mouth]
Bart the anchor: Think harder, Homer.

Sea Captain: Arr! Ya'call that an anchor?

Homer: Doughnuts... is there anything they can't do?

[Everyone has just been saved from the monorail]
Leonard Nimoy: Well, my work is done here.
Barney: What do you mean your work is done? You didn't do anything!
Leonard Nimoy: [cocking an eyebrow] Didn't I? [he teleports into nothingness, as on Star Trek

Marge: (in reference to the monorail) And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever embarked upon... except for the popsicle stick skyscraper. And the 50-foot magnifying glass. And that escalator to nowhere.
[cut to the top of the "escalator to nowhere" with people dropping off the top. At the same time, the sunlight is refracted by the 50-foot magnifying glass and sets the popsicle stick skyscraper alight.]

Selma's Choice [4.13]

Lionel Hutz: I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Miss Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pushing this button! (does so) Pretty sweet, eh?
Aunt Gladys: I would like to start by reading a poem by Robert Frost... "Two roads divulged in a yellow wood, and..." (video fast-forwards)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? (everyone except Marge raises their hands) Thank you!
Aunt Gladys: "...and that has made all the difference." Now, let's get down to business...
Lionel Hutz: (dubbed in) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: Mister Hutz!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would!

[Bart and Lisa burst into Marge and Homer's room.]
Bart and Lisa: (shouting over each other) Wake up! Time to go to Duff Gardens! I wanna go to Duff Gardens!, etc.
[Bart pulls the covers back to reveal Homer lying in bed with his tounge hanging out.]
Bart: Oh great, Dad's dead.

[Homer has eaten a months-old sandwich and is feeling the effects]
Marge: Your lips are turning blue! I think you should stay home!
Homer: No! Duff... Gardens! Hurrah...! (passes out on the car horn)

[Selma has agreed to take the kids to Duff Gardens]
Marge: Thanks for taking the kids on such short notice.
Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?
Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself!
Selma: That's the spirit! (to Marge and Homer) See you tonight!
Lisa: Bye, Dad! Don't eat any solids!
Homer: But I love solids!

(Bart puts on "Beergoggles: See the world through the eyes of a drunk!")
Aunt Selma (is seen as a younger, sexier woman; in a seductive voice) You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart (dazed) What did you say, Aunt Selma? (removes the glasses and sees Selma as her normal, ugly self)
Aunt Selma (in her normal, gravelly voice): I said, "Take off those damn glasses!"

(Two security guards come in, escorting Lisa, pale, edgy, and clad in only a towel)

Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!
[A man in a lab coat hands Selma a couple of pills.]
Man: Give her this... (a couple more pills) Then this... (a whole pocketful of pills) And then these.
Selma: Mmmm... thank you, doctor.
Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.

[Marge and Homer watch "Yentl."]
Homer: That Yentl puts the "she" in "Yeshiva!"

(Marge and Homer are watching "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules. In the movie, Hercules [Troy McClure] is surrounded by two beautiful Greek women. A third woman, a brunette clutching tattered rags to her body, runs up to Hercules)

Woman: Hercules! The Cyclops tore off my clothes!
(Hercules laughs; the woman stares at the camera, confused)

Homer: Come to Homercles!
Marge: [giggles] I can't! The beans will burn!
Homer: Homercles cares not for beans!

Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]

(Krusty's monologue on Tuesday Night Live)

Krusty: When I was first asked to do this show, I said, "Lorne, why me? I just finished my first movie starring Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine." (holds for applause): Yeah! (the audience still doesn't come) Well, we got a great show for you. Well, actually, the last half hour's a real garbage dump. (sighs) We'll be right back.

(while Bart is watching Tuesday Night Live)

Bart: I miss Joe Piscopo.

(during Show and Tell after Bart impressed the class with his neural disrupter)

Milhouse: I have a horsie. (does a feeble impression of a horse neighing until he gives up and sighs)
Nelson: WUSS!

[Homer sits on staircase waiting for Bart after finding out about his bigger brother]
Homer: You've been out gallivanting with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours, haven't you? Haven't you!? Look at me!

Administrator: And what are your reasons for wanting a Little Brother?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!
Homer: Uh... revenge?
Homer's brain: That's it, I'm getting out of here. [footsteps are heard, followed by a door slam]
Administrator: [checking off "revenge"] Welcome aboard, Mr. Simpson.

[Bart and Tom watch "Ren and Stimpy.]

Ren: Mmmm... this meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy!
Stimpy: That's not meatball soup. That's my collection of furballs in stomach acid!
Ren: (gasp) YOU EEEDIOT!! YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, MAN!!!!

(Ren then scares Stimpy by making his eyes tie up & explode)


Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table]
Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
Bart: (picks up his grapefruit & hit's Homer's face with it) SHADDUP!
[Back in reality...]
Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

[Homer is showing his garage door to Pepe]
Homer: I just push the button here and the door opens like magic.
[The door only opens a little bit]
Pepi: Why does it stop there?
Homer: Because it´s a stupid piece of junk!

Lou: There's two guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas?
Lou: I think so.
Chief Wiggum: Let's roll!

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
[shot of Godzilla appears in the background]
Kent Brockman: Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right we could use some names. "I.P Freely." Uh... GRRR!

Homer: [Bent over a fire hydrant after Tom knocks him out] This is even more painful than it looks.

I Love Lisa [4.15]

[On the radio, having hailed in Valentine's Day with 'Monster Mash' by Bobby "Boris" Pickett]
Bill: Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs.
Marty: Well it's... kind of a love song. Monsters, enjoying each other's company... dancing ... holding their evil in check.
Bill: You played the wrong record, didn't you?
Marty: (short pause) Why are you doing this to me?

Ralph Wiggum: My doctor says I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger out of there.

Sideshow Mel: (drunk) Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a (beep)!

[Homer and Bart watch a promo for the Krusty anniversary show.]
Bart: I'd do anything to go to that show!
Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
Bart: Hey!
Homer: You'll do as you're told!

Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors.
(The rest of the class laughs)
Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter.

[Ralph is with his father at home, and wants to know how to get Lisa's attention. Chief Wiggum is breaking nuts out of their shells.]
Ralph: Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?
Chief Wiggum: Son, (cracks a nut with the butt of his revolver) whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence; (cracks a nut) keep at it, and never lose your cool.
[Chief Wiggum tries to crack a third nut, but the shell doesn't break.]
Chief Wiggum: (losing patience) Ah, come on, you stupid...!
[Chief Wiggum loads his gun up and shoots the nut.]
Chief Wiggum: (angrily) Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts!

[Ralph has sent Lisa tickets to the Krusty anniversary show.]
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him!
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest! I'll go, disguised as you!
Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice!
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss!?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice!
Lisa: What if he...
Bart: You don't wanna know how far I'll go!

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, how did you get these tickets?
Chief Wiggum: Krusty knows how to play ball.
[Flashback: Krusty sits in a porno theater. Wiggum enters behind him.]
Chief Wiggum: Ahhh...nothin' beats a good porno movie!
Krusty: (startled) Chief Wiggum! Is this a bust?
Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah. That's what it is, a bust.
[Back to reality...]
Lisa: That story isn't appropriate for children!
Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

Krusty: And now it's time for my favorite part of the show! (reading cue card) Whazzat say? "Talk to the audience!?" Oh-ho God, this is always death! All right!
[Krusty wanders through the crowd. He makes is way toward Ralph and Lisa.]
Lisa: (quietly) Oh, no! Please don't show me with Ralph!
Krusty: What's your name, young man?
Ralph: Ralph!
Lisa: Ohhhh....
Krusty: And is this your girlfriend Ralph?
Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
Lisa: NNNNOOOOOOOOOO! Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you! And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
[The action stops. Bart and Lisa are watching the incident on tape. Bart has the remote.]
Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. [He plays in slow-motion; Ralph writhes, seemingly in agony] And... now!

[After Lisa has humiliated Ralph by breaking up with him on live television]
Chief Wiggum: Son, I know just how you feel; you got a great little girl and the world's your oyster.
Ralph': No, Dad, she made a fool out of me.
Chief Wiggum: [Realizing] Hey yeah - come to think of it, she did! Well, she didn't reckon with the awesome power of the chief of police! Now, where did I put my badge? (looks off screen) Hey, that duck's got it! (Starts chasing the duck) Come on, give it back! I need it! Aww, keep it.

[Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over]
Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Homer: Where?!
Chief Wiggum: [Smashing a tail-light] Right there.
Homer: [Angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
Chief Wiggum: [Alarmed] They are?! Oh no! Have they set a date?!

Bart: Hey girls, check out this president! [pulls down his pants revealing his backside with glasses and a fake nose] I am not a butt!
Girls Ewwww!
Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth or you do you want to act like a maniac?
Bart: [pulls up his pants quickly] I'll be good!

Milhouse (dressed as Abraham Lincoln) Miss Hoover, this beard's giving me a rash.
[Miss Hoover] Milhouse you have one line and then you're shot. Now get out there! [pushes him onto the stage]
Milhouse: I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater!
[Bart, dressed as John Wilkes Booth (only, with sunglasses), kicks the door open. He carries a large pop gun.]
Milhouse: Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
Bart: (a la, The Terminator) Hasta la vista, Abey!
[They struggle. Milhouse gets up and runs away. Bart chases after him.]
Homer: [standing from his seat] COME ON BOY! FINISH HIM OFF!
Bart: You're next, Chester A. Arthur!
[Miss Hoover picks Bart up and carries him offstage.]
Bart: Unhand me, Yankee!

[Willie is moved by Ralph's performance.]

Willie: I din'na cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig...but I'll cry now!


[On the radio]
Bill: Hey hey! Bill and Marty here, at the end of another beautiful President's Day.
Marty: To George and Abe, and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.
['Monster Mash' begins to play]
Marty: Doggone it!

Duffless [4.16]

Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing!
[Silence]
Homer's Brain: Well, off to the plant!
Homer: [aloud] Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a line, fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Aah! [Runs off.]

[Homer tries to flee the Power Plant. A giant spider blocks his way. He consults his map...]
Homer: "To overcome the Spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse." Ummm... "Thou shall not..."
[He gives up, picks up a rock and throws it at the spider, killing it.]

(at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting)

Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to!
Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!
Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the Court made me come.
Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you´ll never touch a beer again.

[Homer screams and jumps through the window]


[After agreeing to give up beer for a month, Homer pours the last six-pack into the kitchen sink.]
Homer: Well, beer... we've had some great times...
[Singing, to the tune of "A Very Good Year."]
Homer: When I was seventeen / I drank some very good beer / I drank some very good beer that I purchased with a fake I.D. / My name was Brian McGee / We stayed up listening to Queen / When I was seventeen...

Last Exit to Springfield [4.17]

Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph?
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
Ralph: You're right. I don't brush. [starts to cry] I don't brush!
Dr. Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book. The "Big Book of British Smiles."
[Dr. Wolfe takes out a book and shows Ralph page after page of decaying, rotten British smiles.]
Ralph: [crying] That's enough! That's enough.

Dr. Wolfe: Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier?
Marge: Er, not that I know of.
Dr. Wolfe: Liar!

Factory Worker: You can't treat the working man this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns's Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

Mr. Burns: Where is that union representative, Smithers? He's twenty minutes late!
Smithers: I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union.
[A football player is seen running down a field, then trips over what is obviously a body buried under the field.]
Football player: What the hell? (football hits him on the head)

Carl: As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[everyone laughs]
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously...

Lenny: [taking a swig of bear from the keg] So long Dental Plan!
Lenny's voice: [inside Homer's head] Dental plan!
Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces!
Lenny's voice: Dental Plan!
Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces!
Lenny's voice: Dental Plan!
Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces!
Carl: [throws a pencil into Homer's butt crack] Bullseye!
Homer: [takes the pencil out] Thanks a lot, Carl, you interrupted my train of thought. Now where was I?
Lenny's voice: [inside Homer's head] Dental plan!
Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces!
Lenny's voice: Dental Plan!
Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces!
Homer: If we give up out Dental Plan, I'm going to have to pay for Lisa's braces!

Carl: I say that Homer Simpson be our new union president. All in favor?
All: AYE!
Carl: All opposed?
Voice: Nay!
Carl: Congatulations, Homer!
All: YAY!!!

(After Homer is picked to be union leader for the plant)

Homer: Hey, what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothing.
Homer: D'oh!
Carl: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: [loudly] WOO-HOO!

Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh! New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor; you ran over his son; he saved the plant from meltdown; his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell...

[During her "Purple Submarine" dream, Lisa meets The Beatles]
Ringo Starr: Look fellas! It's Lisa in the sky.
John Lennon: No diamonds, though.
George Harrison: Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria!
[the submarine crashes into it]
The Beatles: Ooooh, oh God! No! Help us! Help us! Help us!

[Skinner is inspecting the line for Class picture day]

Skinner: Pat down that cowlick. Straighten that part! Uncross those eyes, mister.
Boy: But I can't.

Photographer: C'mon, sweetheart, smile! I bet you have a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world?
[Lisa smiles, exposing her monstrous braces.]
Photographer: [gasps] There is no God!

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking to himself] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking to himself] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking to himself] My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [laughs and winks]
Homer: [screams on the inside] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these back door shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

[The hired goons who work for Mr. Burns have kidnapped Homer and taken him to Burns' house.]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Homer. I hope Crusher and Low-Blow didn't hurt you.
Homer: You could've just called me!
Mr. Burns: I know, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on approach you only get from hired goons.
Homer: [confused] Hired goons?

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to mankind. [reads one of the papers] "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?!" You stupid monkey! [hits the monkey; the monkey screeches]
Mr. Burns: Oh, shut up.

[Burns is talking to Homer inside a leaky basement about the strike.]
Burns: Now, let's get down to business.
Homer: [thinking to himself] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. And I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to know that you're looking out for Number One.
[Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout]
Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon!
[He gestures, knocking over the teacup and spilling some in the saucer.]
Homer: Ooh, which way to the bathroom?
Burns: Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left.
(Homer rushes to a long hallway, repeatedly opening and closing doors in search of a bathroom)
Homer: Nope... nope... nope...
Burns: He wouldn't even hear me out.
(Homer comes back, sighing in relief and pulling his pants up)
Burns: Find the bathroom alright?
Homer: Uh... yeah.

Carl: All in favor of a strike?
Everyone: AYE!
Carl: All opposed?
Droopy Dog Voice: Nay!
Homer: [annoyed] Who keeps saying that?
[everyone looks at a little man holding his hat standing next to a larger man in a chair]
Little Man: [Droopy voice] It was him. [points to the man beside him] Let's get him fellas!
[everyone runs & beats up the larger man, while the little man chuckles devillishly watching]

[Burns is observing the strike from his balcony.]
Burns: Smithers, get me some strikebreakers! The kind they had in the thirties!
[The scene changes to Burns' office. Abe Simpson and several other old people are standing in front of Burns' desk.]
Abe: Well, we can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One is to tell stories that don't go anywhere! Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what we called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say! Now where was I? Oh yeah! The important thing to remember is that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, 'cause of the war. The only ones you could get were those big yellow ones...

Kent Brockman: Tonight, on Smartline: the power plant strike: argle-bargle, or fooferah? With us tonight are plant owner C. Montgomery Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Dr. Joyce Brothers: I brought my own mike.
Brockman: Yes, well... Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur...
[Homer screams.]
Brockman: OK, my director is telling me not to talk to you anymore...
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Brockman: Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade?
Mr. Burns Yes, thank you Kent. 15 minutes from now, I will unleash a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared! NO ONE!
Brockman: [chuckling] A chilling vision of things to come.

Lisa Simpson: [singing about the protest]
So we'll march day and night
By the big cooling tower
They have the plant
But we have the power.

Mr Burns: Look at them all in the darkness I'm bringing, they're not sad at all, they're actually singing! [grabs Smithers by the shoulders] They sing without juicers. [pauses] They sing without blenders. [pauses] They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers!

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18]

Homer: Ah, beer. My one weakness. My Achilles Heel, if you will.

(Just a moment before Homer opens the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.)
Bart: April f- (An explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud.)
(Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car)
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
(Wiggum gets out of the car)
Chief Wiggum: I am procceding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: [into radio] We need prezels. Repeat, prezels.

The Front [4.19]

Lisa: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
[Homer walks into the living room with a plunger on his head]
Homer: Marge, it happened again.
Bart: What are you going to change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa: Lois Sanborne.
Bart: Steve Bennett.

Krusty: (after viewing the bad Itchy & Scratchy episode) Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a... hey-hey-hey-hey! Whoa! Wasn't that great, kids?

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late thirties! The writers should be ashamed of themselves!
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh, sort of.

Bart: (to Grampa Simpson) We need to know your first name.
Grampa: You're making my tombstone?
Lisa: No, we're just curious!
Grampa: Well, let's see... first name, first name. Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear! (he whips them off without taking off his pants.) It holds the answer all the important questions! (reads) Call me... Abraham Simpson!
Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa: (confused and strained voice) I don't know...

[Abe gets a phone call from a secretary at Itchy and Scratchy.]
Abe: Hello?
Secretary: Yes, is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode?
Abe: "Isshy and what?" You must be some kind of crazy person!
Secretary: I'm sorry, but I have a substantial check here for a Mr. Abraham J. Simpson.
Abe: That's right! I did the "Iggy!"

Lisa: (to Grampa) So, we wrote the cartoon, put your name on it and sent it in.
Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured, cause the Democrats were in power again.

Abe: (typing) "Dear Mister President: there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot."

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio?
Bart & Lisa: Yay!
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Abe, you coming?
Grampa: Any stairs?
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Just one.
Grampa: Nuts to you! (falls asleep on the couch.)

Mr. Dondelinger: Alright class, here is your final exam - fifty questions, true or false.
Homer: True.
Mr. Dondelinger: Homer, I was just describing the test!
Homer: True.
Mr. Dondelinger: Look Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.
[Dondelinger hands out the tests.]
Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Whacking Day [4.20]

Nelson: Imagine, a school with no bullies.
Jimbo: Science geeks not getting beaten up, kids using their lunch money for food.
Nelson: I can't take it! (starts punching the wall which cracks with every hit)

Groundskeeper Willie: (to his tractor) Ach, my beauty, wait 'til the Superintendant sees you! Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife!

[Bart runs out of the vent then stops at Willie's tractor which he imagines it convincing Bart to ride him]
Tractor: Come on Bart, ride me...
Bart: Uh... I better not
Tractor: (imitating chicken)
Imaginary Chicken: He's insulting the both of us.
Bart: Let's go!

(as Homer practices snake-whacking in the backyard and almost hits Lisa)

Lisa: Everyone likes Whacking Day, but I hate it! Is there something wrong with me?
Homer: Yes, honey.
Lisa: Then what should I do?
Homer: Just squeeze your rage into a bitter, little ball, and release it at an appropriate time! Like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle. (in baby talk): Remember that?
Lisa: Yeah...
Homer: When daddy hit the referee?
Lisa: Yeah...
Homer (hugs Lisa) Yeah...

Barney: TAKE THAT SNAKE! (hits ground) AND YOU TOO! (hits ground again) SNAKES! SNAKES EVERYWHERE!
Lenny: Getting ready for Whacking Day?
Barney: What's Whacking Day?

Lisa: Let's see Bass, Bass. "Tiny Tim," "The Chipmunk's Greatest Hits," "A Castrato Christmass"? UGH!
Barry White: (singing) Can't get enough of your love, babe... (Bart & Lisa, surprised, rush to the door)
Lisa: Mr. White, can we borrow you for a minute?
Barry White: Anything for a lady.

Marge in Chains [4.21]

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as P Is For Psycho and The President's Neck Is Missing.

Artie Pie: Route 401 is going around and around and around... and look out at the corner of Twelfth and Main, 'cause I'm gonna be sick!
[Artie spews outside the window; at the same time, Otto is sunbathing on the roof of his apartment]
Otto: Okay, Mr. Sun, gimme me what you got!
[P.O.V. shot of something falling toward him. Otto screams.]
Otto: [loud cowardly scream]

[The Flanders family is hit by the Osaka flu.]
Maude Flanders: Oh, Neddy... why has God forsaken us?
Ned Flanders: I can't imagine what we could have done to... oh, oh, no!
[In a flashback, Ned watches Married... with Children on TV.]
Al Bundy: Hey, Peg, you gotta take better care of the house. These plants are all lifeless and limp!
Peg Bundy: Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al!
[Raucous laughter and "Whoo!"s from the studio audience. Ned laughs as well. Outside, lightning and thunder strike.]
Ned Flanders: Uh-oh...
[Back in the present...]
Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, this plague doesn't scare me. I've constructed a germ-free chamber for myself. Not a single microbe can get in or out.
[He opens five airtight doors, and sees Homer sitting in his chamber, eating a sandwich.]
Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?!
Homer's Brain: Don't panic, just come up with a good story.
Homer: [aloud] My name is Mr. Burns!
Homer's Brain: D'oh!

[Bart wants to have a sick day off school. Inside his body, the white blood cells fight the virus.]
White Blood Cell Private: Sarge! We keep gettin' orders to the let the virus win!
White Blood Cell Sergeant: Must be a school day. Lay down your arms!
[The white blood cells all lay down.]
Virus: All right! Let's make some pus!

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."

Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

Bart: Mr. Hutz, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
Lionel Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing this world needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
[Lionel Hutz pauses as he thinks of a clearing filled with people of different races, ethnicities, religions, and nationalities holding hands and dancing in a circle underneath a rainbow with the sun shining. An instrumental of the song "I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing" plays]
Lionel Hutz: [shudders] Ooohhh...

Lionel Hutz: ...And so, ladies and gentelmen of the jury, I rest my case.
Judge: Hmmmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: What? [looks down] AAH! I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: The lawyer.
Lionel Hutz: Right.

Judge Snyder: The foreman will pass the verdict to the baliff.
[The baliff hands it to Hutz, who switches it before handing it to the judge.]
Judge Snyder: This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! And it still says "Guilty!" And "Guilty" is spelled wrong!

Marge: Knock-knock, I'm Marge Simpson, your new cell-mate.
Philips: I'm Philips. They call me that cause I killed my husband with a Philips-head screwdriver.

Marge: (sees that a fish on her plate is gasping for water) Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet.
Homer: Marge, please! I'm having trouble with the lobsters!
[In the kitchen, Homer is fighting with some lobsters.]

[Marge spots a prisoner covered in tattoos]
Marge: Oh my goodness.
Philips: That's Tattoo Annie.
[Tattoo Annie pulls her shirt off to show Marge her back Tattoo]
Marge: [reading] "What kind of slime would I marry?" Hmm, I don't understand.
Tattoo Annie: It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins.
[Annie pushes her shoulder blades back which shows Alfred E. Newman saying "what, me worry?"]
Marge: Amazing!

Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22]

[On "Springfield Squares"...]
Kent Brockman: Jaqueline, I believe it's your turn!
Jaqueline: I'll take Ranier Wolfcastle to block!
Kent Brockman: Rainier Wolfcastle, star of "McBain" and the upcoming film, "Help! My Son is a Nerd!"
Rainier Wolfcastle: My son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.
Kent Brockman: Ha ha ha! I'm laughing already!
Rainier Wolfcastle: It's not a comedy.

TV: Gabbo, Gabbo, GABBO!
(Bart and Homer stare in awe at the TV.).
Bart: Did you see that?
Homer: Yeah!
Bart: Who's Gabbo?
Homer: I figure it's some guy's name. (pause) Some guy named Gabbo.

[Mr. Burns misreads sign that says "GABBO IS COMING!"]
Mr Burns: Look, Smithers! Garbo is coming!
Smithers: Uh... Yes, sir.

Reverend Lovejoy: Everyone is saying; "Gabbo this and Gabbo that," but no one is saying "Worship this and Jericho that!"
Jasper: What's this about Gabbo?

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience].
Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

(After viewing "Worker and Parasite", Krusty stares with a shocked expression and with a limp cigarette in his mouth)
Krusty: What the hell was that!?

Bart: Somebody ought to ruin Gabbo's career the way he ruined Krusty's.
Lisa: Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.

[Bart sees Krusty standing in the street holding a sign that says "will drop pants for food".]
Bart: Huh! Oh no! Krusty are you making any money?
Krusty: Nah, That guy's giving it away for free! [points]
Crazy old man: Old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...

[Krusty turns on TV and finds the Crazy Old Man in his underwear dancing.]
Crazy old man: Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...
TV announcer: And now the Crazy Old Man Singers.
Crazy Old Men: Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco mister. Whoops, it fell in the fryer, I'll get it out. [plunges his hand in the fryer] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty: I don't want it.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me!

Krusty: Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?
Johnny Carson: Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
[does so]
Krusty: Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah? Get a load of this!
[Johnny juggles the Skylark over his head, tossing it from one hand to the other, while singing an opera aria]

[Krusty is in the wings watching the Red Hot Chili Peppers play in their underpants]
Krusty: Dancin' around in their underwear - that is so degrading!
[Camera zooms out to reveal Krusty wearing a little boy's sailor suit]
Stage Manager: Thirty seconds till your "Li'l Stinker" sketch!
Krusty: Get me a bigger lolly!

Bart: [Giving a toast to Krusty] To Krusty, the greatest entertainer in the world... except maybe that guy.
[Cut to Johnny Carson balancing a plank with Jasper and Abe, playing checkers, on his head while tap dancing and playing the Simpsons theme on an accordion.]
Abe: Is this the bus to the civic center?


Season 5

Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01]

[at the Springfield Swap Meet]
Mayor Quimby: (sotto voice) Human roaches... feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity! (into the microphone) Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron! (sotto voice again) I need a drink and a shower...

[Comic Book Guy puts the "Melvin and the Squirrels" record on.]
Singing voice: ...stuck a feather in his cap and called it Rice-a-roni.
Man's voice: MEL-VIN!

Apu: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Nigel: Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, love. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarchais.
Apu: That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my God, but okay!

(at a press conference for the B-Sharps)
Reporter: Mr. de Beaumarchais, is the rumor true that you are really a Hindu?
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie!

[Chief Wiggum, dressed as Dr. Doolittle, sings at the auditions.]
Chief Wiggum: (singing) If I could walk with the animals, talk to the animals, grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals uh- [fake mustache falls off]
Principal Skinner: Good lord! Doctor Dolittle is Chief Wiggum!
Chief Wiggum: This bird's gonna fly! [Dives out the window]

[Homer addresses the crowd after finishing the B-Sharps' New York performance]
Homer: I'd like to introduce you all to a very special woman. She's 100 years old, 500 feet tall, and weighs over 200... [winks] tons.
Man in Crowd: This enormous woman will devour us all! YAAAAGH!
[The man jumps into the river.]
Homer: I meant the statue.

[The Be Sharps are at the Grammys.]
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?

George Harrison: Hello Homer. I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Where did you get that brownie?!
George Harrison: Over there, there's a whole pile of them.
[Homer runs excitedly to where George pointed.]
George Harrison: What a nice fella.

[On the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Carson performs his fortune-telling act.]
Johnny Carson: Gilligan, the Skipper and Chief Wiggum. [unveils card] Name three castaways.
[Crowd laughs, and Chief Wiggum shoots the TV with his sidearm. The shots miss.]
Sarah Wiggum: Clancy, use the remote!
Chief Wiggum: I can't find it.
Sarah Wiggum: Well, check your holster.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah. [picks up the remote and changes channels. nother TV talk show host comes on]
Joan Rivers: Can we talk about Chief Wiggum? Ah, ah, ah... [points to her own open mouth. Chief Wiggum throws the sidearm into the TV.]

Abe: That's my son up there!
Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fat-ass?
Abe: Uh, no, the Hindu guy.

[George Harrison drives by as the Be Sharps perform on a rooftop.]
George Harrison: It's been done.

[After singing their final rooftop performance, Homer addresses the crowd.]
Homer: I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition.
[Crowd, including the Be Sharps laughs loudly.]
Barney: [laughs] ...I don't get it.

Cape Feare [5.02]

[On "Up Late with McBain," Rainier Wolfcastle razzes his band leader, Scoey.]
Rainier Wolfcastle: That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
[Audience boos.]
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.
[Audience boos again. Bart and Lisa watch on TV.]
Bart: This is horrible.
Lisa: The FOX Network has sunk to a new low.

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.
Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!
[As Lisa reads, the letter writer's voice can be heard in voice over.]
Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...
Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."

Homer: [Opens a letter written with blood on the kitchen table and reads it] OH MY GOD! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! [Reads the letter some more] Oh wait, it's for Bart.

Radio DJ: All right. This is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully"! [Wipe Out plays]
Milhouse: I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty-fat fat fat," and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but nobody's trying to kill ya.
Bart Oh, that's good.
[Suddenly, Nelson pantses Bart.]
Girls [chanting in unison] Fatty-fat fat fat! Fatty-fatty fat fat!

Sideshow Bob: [writing a letter with blood in prison] "Dear life in these United States. A funny thing happened to me..." [he starts to feel faint and his head bangs on the desk with a loud thump]
Snake: [looking up from his book] Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
[Sideshow Bob lifts his head for a few seconds, then his head hits the desk with another loud thump]

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is!
Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief.
[Lou shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]
Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
[Cut to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch and laugh, rolling dice]
Wiggum: Boys, knock it off!

Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!

[As Bart walks by the Flanders's house, Ned brandishes a Freddy Krueger-style glove.]
Ned Flanders: [threateningly] Say your prayers, Simpson...
[Bart cowers.]
Ned Flanders: [cheerfully] ...because the schools can't force you like they should!
[Ned uses the glove to prune the hedge as Maude approaches with lemonade.]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!

Mrs. Krabappel: You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
[Bart is shown nervously shaking]
Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzie Borden! Starring Martin Prince as Lizzie.
Martin Prince: [In drag, with an axe] 40 whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!

Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to?
Bart: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it!

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
[Everyone in the courtroom laughs.]
Chief Wiggum: Heh, now I get it! That's good.

Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Who's thinking of killing her right now?
[A majority of the court reluctantly puts up their hand.]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...
[Everyone in court puts up their hand, including Patty. The man next to her gasps.]
Patty: Eh, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: [faking innocence] Bart Simpson? [chuckles] The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and [maliciously] sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
Officer: Uh, we object to the term, "urine-soaked hellhole," when you could have said, "peepee-soaked heckhole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die, Bart, Die"?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The, Bart, The."
[The spectators laugh]
Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man!
Judge: Parole granted.

Sideshow Bob: The following neighborhood residents will not be killed by me. Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders. ..
Ned Flanders: Aw, isn't that nice!
Sideshow Bob: Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson... that is all.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart? [realizes] Oh.

[The Simpsons hire a detective to deal with Sideshow Bob.]
Detective: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive.
[The detective takes out a gun and puts it in his coat. He joins Sideshow Bob in a bar.]
Detective: [whiny] Come on, leave town!
Sideshow Bob No.
Detective: I'll be your friend!
Sideshow Bob: No.
Detective: Aw, you're mean!

Wiggum: And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.
Homer: Is that so? Oh, Flanders! Won't you join me in my kitchen?
Wiggum: Uh, it doesn't work if you invite him.
[Flanders enters.]
Flanders: Hey-dilly hey!
Homer: [sourly] Go home.
Flanders: [unfazed] Too-dilly doo!

[The family encounter Sideshow Bob at a cinema.]
Bart: You wrote me those letters!
Marge: You awful man. Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: Oh I'll stay away from your son alright. Stay away... forever!
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait a second, that's no good... [walks away, then comes back] Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
Marge: No!
[Bob gives off his classic disgusted shudder]

Witness Relocation Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer says nothing]
Worker: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stays silent.]
[The clock goes forward several hours and the rest of the family is dozing off.]
Worker: [impatiently] Ugh, now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: [stomping on his foot repeatedly] Hello, Mr. Thompson!
[Homer stares blankly for several seconds.]
Homer: [whispering to other agent] I think he's talking to you.

Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Bob: [trailing Simpsons under the car] No!
Homer: Oh, two against one!

[As Bart is sleeping, Homer bursts in with a butcher knife and a tray.]
Homer: [shouting nearly unintelligibly and brandishing the knife] BART, DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!
[Bart screams.]
Homer: Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart: [sighs in relief] Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not running in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife!
Homer: Why? [brief pause] Oh, right, the Sideshow Bob thing. I'm sorry, boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves, then bursts through the door again, wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a running chainsaw.]
Homer: BART, DO YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?!
[Bart screams.]
Homer: [turns off the chainsaw] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

Sideshow Bob:(evil voice) Hello, Bart!
Bart: MOM! DAD!
Sideshow Bob: Your family can't help you now.
[Cut to outside, where the rest of the family are bound and lying on the deck. Lisa notices Homer snoring peacefully.]
Lisa: Oh, no! Dad's been drugged!
Marge: [annoyed] No, he hasn't!

Bart: [pointing to Bob] Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: ...Do what the kid said.

Homer Goes to College [5.03]

Homer: The bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big!

[The plant melting down, Mr. Burns gets into escape pod and shuts Smithers out.]
Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
Burns: I like to put my feet up.

[Homer was in a simulation nuclear control panel and somehow causes a meltdown. He emerges from smoldering truck.]
Homer: Must... destroy... mankind! [His watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime.
[Homer shakes off the radioactive glow like a dog and walks away.]

Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!!
Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: The box! The box!

Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing: (ominously) You must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually, Sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Burns: And the road maps? And ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place.

[Homer is writing an essay on his most meaningful experience.]
Homer: "...it was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever."
Bart: You the man, Homer!
Homer: Thanks, boy!

[Homer has been rejected from selected colleges]
Bart: What are you gonna do, Dad?
Homer: Something I should've done a long time ago.
[pause]
Marge: You don't know, do you?
Homer: No, ma'am.

[Burns holds a meeting reminiscent of Al Capone's in "The Untouchables"]
Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified!
[Several others nod in agreement]
Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you?
[Everyone assents]
Burns: Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Smithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules!
[Burns starts feebly hitting the man on the head, with almost no force]
Man: Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: [straining] I'm giving you the... beating of your life!...
Man: Look, if - Stop that! - you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
Burns: [collapses from exertion] Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Homer: [after setting his diploma on fire and as the house burns around him] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart!I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

Professor: Good morning, and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces. But as the old saying goes, "Out with the old, in with the nucleus"!
[Everyone laughs except Homer. The professor drops his notecards. Homer laughs obnoxiously while the rest of the class remains silent.]
Homer: Did you see that jerk? He dropped his notes! [continues laughing obnoxiously]

Professor: This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it --
Homer: Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
Professor: Well, please, come down and show us.
Homer: All right, I will.
[Cut to outside the school. It is glowing green and everyone is running away, except for Homer who is calmly walking out.]
Homer: [to HAZMAT team] In there, guys.
HAZMAT Team: Thanks, Homer.

Homer: [playing with a pig's tail by pulling it and letting it go] Curly... Straight... Curly... Straight... Curly... Straight...

Dean Peterson: Hello, that sounds like a pig fainting!

Rosebud [5.04]

Mr. Burns: I won't get what I really want.
Smithers: No one does...
Mr. Burns: [in Smithers' dream, nude in a cake, singing à la Marilyn Monroe] Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers.
Smithers: Mmmm...

Homer: Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent...
Bart: Incontinent! (laughs) Too rich!
Lisa: Does either of you know what incontinent means?

Marge: Come on, dear, it's time to go.
Homer: Okay, stupid!
Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss.
Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. [To Ned Flanders, outside clipping his hedges] Hey Flanders! You smell like manure!
Ned Flanders: Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor!

Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, The Ramones!
Mr Burns: Ah. These minstrels will sooth my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
The Ramones: ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR! [music starts] Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, Burnsie, Happy Birthday to you!
C.J. Ramone: Go to Hell, you old bastard!
[Mr. Burns is shaking with anger at his table.]
Marky Ramone: [after the curtain closes] Hey, I think they liked us!
Mr. Burns: Have The Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't-
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Mr. Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head slightly...
Mr. Burns: Bah! No time! Next!

Homer: Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that I think you'll find, a little … cheeky. (Pulls down his pants with a sad face painted on his butt and people gasp) I'm Mr. Burns. (shakes his butt) Blah blah blah. Do this, do that. Blah blah blah. I think I'm so big. Blah blah blah.
Mr. Burns: [to his security] Destroy him.

Homer: [with a large bump on his head] Where did I lose them? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again!
Lisa: I'd like to belive that this time. I really would.
Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.
Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged but please don't deny the world your fat can.
Homer: Don't worry, boy. She'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
Lisa: I knew it.

Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
Burns: Yes, yes, yes. So what!
Smithers: You want your bear, Bobo, don't you?
Burns: Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime! [flails his arms in weak attempt to hit Smithers] Resistance is futile!

Bart: Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it!
Apu: Ooh, a head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness.

Barney: (points gun at Homer) Homer, give him what he wants!
Homer: Oh Barney, leave me alone!
[Homer closes door on Barney]
[Gunshot... Woman Screaming... Police Siren.]
Barney: Uh oh!

Worker 1: Excuse me, We wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness of his children more than money.
Homer: Right here...
Worker 2: Aw, You said his head was the size of a baseball.
Homer: Ugh, my life can't get any worse..
Smithers: (Over intercom) Homer Simpson, report for much worse duties.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Maggie, I know you like the bear. But wouldn't you be just as happy playing with... (He looks around; sees a box) This box! (He puts the box over his head) See, Maggie? See the fun box?
(Homer starts making silly, "fun" sounds. Maggie, convinced, reaches for it.)
Homer: No! (Runs to a corner) My box! My box! (giggles childishly)

Mr. Burns: [as a disembodied head in a robot] Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I'll never leave you behind again.
Smithers: [as a disembodied head in a dog-shaped robot] Wait for me, sir! [starts following him and barks]

Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05]

Bart: Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that-
Marge: Bart. You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old War of the Worlds broadcast on NPR, hmm?
Bart: Yes, mother.

[Homer searches his hiding place for a donut. He finds a note.]
Homer: "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

Homer: What? Flanders! You're the devil?!
Devil Flanders: Ho ho! It's always the one you least suspect!

Burns: [watching Homer and Devil Flanders on a monitor] Hmmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

[Homer gets up late and looks in the fridge for something to eat]
Homer: Mmm... Forbidden donut....

Lisa: Wait! Doesn't my father deserve a fair trial?
Devil Flanders: [groans] You Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials"! This is always so much easier in Mexico!

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry! I watched "Matlock" in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it!

Lionel Hutz: First, some ground rules: number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
Devil Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Hutz: Agreed... no, wait-
Devil Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon-
Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Flanders: Hey, listen, I did a favor for you!
Nixon: Yes, master.
Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!

Blackbeard: Arrrr! 'Tis some kind of treasure map!
Benedict Arnold: You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true! My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

Marge: Homer, stop picking at it!
Homer: [with donut head] Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty! Oh well, time to go to work.
Lisa: Dad, if I were you I wouldn't go to work today
[outside of Simpson house - the entire police force is standing outside holding cups of coffee]
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry boys, he's gotta come out of there some time.

Principal Skinner: Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination... and I've come to put a stop to it!
Bart: No, no, it's true, there's a monster on the bus!
Skinner: The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules.

Bart: Look at the bus. I was right, I tell you, I was right!
Skinner: Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man! Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse will teach you some manners.
Nelson: Ha, ha!

Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad!
Homer: [looking at picture] Aah! They're dogs... and they're playing poker!
[Homer screams, laughs hysterically and runs away.]
Bart: We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. [quickly] So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!

Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Homer: It was so nice of Mr. Burns to invite us to a midnight dinner at his country house in... Pennsylvania!
Lisa: Aw, there's something fishy about this whole setup.
Marge: Lisa, stop being so suspicious. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?

Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom] Welcome! Please come in... [sinisterly] Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Burns: [angrily] Oh, son of a bit- [turns the intercom off]

Lisa: Dad, Mr Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Mr. Burns: Why, Bart is right here!
Bart: (in monotone, looking unusually pale) Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer: Oh Lisa, you and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

(Lisa is tossing and turning in her bed. She hears a noise at the window and opens the curtains to reveal Bart along with Milhouse, Ralph, Janey and Martin, all vampires. Lisa screams.)
Bart: Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood!
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies!
Lisa: No! No!
Bart: (spookily) Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here...
(Bart smashes the window. Lisa screams. Bart flies in and pins Lisa down on her bed. He is about to bite her when Homer enters.)
Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis... wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
Grampa: [runs in holding a stake and mallet] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
(Marge appears in the doorway)
Marge: How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grampa: He's a vampire? [drops the stake and runs] AAAH!

Lisa: The only way to save Bart is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns!
Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare to live out the American dream?

Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
Homer: Take that, vile fiend!
[Homer hammers the stake into Mr. Burns]
Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.
Homer: Oh, sorry.
[Homer wiggles the stake free, then hammers it into Burn's heart. Burns cries out in pain and dies, then he turns into mush.]
Homer & Lisa: Phew!
Burns: [comes back to life] You're fired! [turns back into mush]
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Grandpa's a vampire?
Bart: We're all vampires!
Lisa: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns --
Homer: You have to kill the head vampire.
Lisa: You're the head vampire?
Marge: No, I'm the head vampire. [laughs fiendishly]
Lisa: Mom?!
Marge: Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Marge on the Lam [5.06]

Marge: You promised. You can't back out like when you volunteered for that military experiment to get out of dinner with my sisters.
Military Officer: [in a flashback] Now Mister Simpson, you do realize this medicine could cause hair loss, giddiness and loss of equilibrium.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the serum. [flashback ends] Heh heh heh... It was worth it. [falls over and laughs hysterically]

Rescue Worker: Homer, there's no easy way to put this, but we're going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Rescue Worker: Oh... yeah.
Homer: Whew.

Rescue Worker: Homer, are you still holding onto the can?
Homer: Your point being...? [Homer leaves the plant where everyone is laughing.]

Ruth: You're not going home, are you?
Marge: Well, it's almost nine-thirty.
Ruth: [sarcastically] Yeah right. We better turn in. [pauses] Oh. You're serious.

Homer Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines, that's why I had the firemen write me a note!
Marge [Reading] "Mrs. Simpson, while we were out rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down."
Homer D'oh! [Ruefully] Lumber has a million uses.

Homer: Marge, you can't go out on a Saturday night! That's our special night.
Marge: What's so special about it?
Homer: [offended] Oh, I don't know. A little show called "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"?

Marge: What was it you wanted to show me?
Ruth: This: [pulls out a gun]
Marge: [gasps] You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you?
Ruth: Oh, Marge, I would never pull a gun out on another human being. [aims gun at cans on fence] My husband, on the other hand...

Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!
Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...
[Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"]
Homer: Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.
Homer: Here you g- [pulls back] No!

Chief Wiggum: Oh, Simpson, what are you doin' up here?
Homer: My wife's having a girl's night out!
Chief Wiggum: Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though, 'cuz one time I... [chuckles sheepishly]

Chief Wiggum: Mmm... engine block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.
Homer: There they go!
Chief Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs!

Bart: [wakes up] Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.
Lisa: Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is here to take care of us.
[Lisa taps Lionel Hutz's shoulder. He wakes with a start, brandishing a knife]
Lionel Hutz: Don't touch my stuff! [looks at the three scared Simpson kids and realizes where he is] Hey, this isn't the YMCA.

Lisa: I knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast away the shackles of our male oppressors.
Bart: Ah, shut your yap.

[Lionel Hutz is tossing things from his briefcase into the fireplace]
Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
Lionel Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

Bart's Inner Child [5.07]

Homer: [reading 'Springfield Shopper'] Oh... my... god!!!!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Trammampoline! Trabompoline!

Krusty: You here for the trampoline?
Homer: Yeah. What's the deal?
Krusty: Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named 'Enis'...

Ralph: Weee! Ouch! I bit my tongue!

Homer: [returning trampoline] Krusty, I want to-
Krusty: [pulls out shotgun] You just keep on drivin'.

Homer: If this were a cartoon, the cliff would fall off now.

'Homer: [Brandishing a buzz saw] Checkmate, Mr Trampoline! [Rushes at the trampoline - the cord gets tangled, ripping the socket out of the wall] Allright, you win this round, but soon you'll rust! Rust I tells ya! [laughs hysterically]

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'

Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?
Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course Big Ned, you're doin' super! [Ned smiles]
Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here!
Homer: It sure does.
Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talkin' wit ya accent-a no more.
Moe: [slaps face] MAMMA-MIA!!

Brad Goodman: Young man, what made you yell out that remark?
Bart: I dunno.
Brad Goodman: You just wanted to... express yourself, yes?
Bart: I do what I feel like.
Brad Goodman: Why, that's marvelous! 'I do what I feel like'. Ladies and gentlemen... this little boy here is the inner child that I've been talking about.
Lisa: [shocked] What?

Bart: [depressed] Lisa...everyone in town has started acting like me. So why does it suck?

Lisa: You've become a product of our quick fix, one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society.

Brockman: The winds of change are in the air in Springfield, and it's about as refreshing as a pre-moistened towlette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating, with no holding back, and this reporter thinks it's about [bleep]-ing time. Of course, all these good vibes can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it!
[proceeds to squirt two cans of whipped cream into his mouth.]

Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08]

Homer: Ah. Finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites. [pulls out bottle of peanuts] "Honey Roasted Peanuts." Ingredients! "Salt, artificial honey roasting agents, pressed peanut sweepings!" Mmmm...
Marge: Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Hmm, money's too tight for steak.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Eh, sure. Steak. [leaves]
Homer: [holding a peanut] Ah, the last peanut. Overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers.
[closes eyes and tosses peanut into the air; it lands out of sight]
Homer: Uh-oh. Something's wrong...

Homer: (feeling around under the couch after his peanut fell) OW! pointy... EEWW! slimy... Uh-Oh! Moving... Ah-ha!
[Homer pulls a twenty dollar bill out from under the couch.]
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars... I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo Hoo!

Barney (after drinking the syrup Squishee from Bart and Milhouse) I don't know where you magic pixies came from but I like your pixie drink.

Bart: Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.
[Cut to a Greek ship sailing on undetermined waters. Cut to interior where Barney is asleep on several bags of baklava. Barney wakes up.]
Barney: Oh no! Not again! (belches)

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
(Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head)
Principal Skinner: What is it with you kids and that word? (grabs Milhouse) I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege!

[The bullies begin playing 'keep away' with Bart's scout uniform.]
Bart: Yeah, whatever.
[Bart walks off, only to be menaced by Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney.]
Jimbo: You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp.
[Bart begins to play along with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.]
Bart: (utterly bored) Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform.

Bart (reading knife safety): "Don't do what Donny Don't does." They could have made this clearer.

Homer: Well if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons!
[Marge walks past the door.]
Marge: Homer, you really should be more supportive.
Homer: You're right Marge. Good work boy. (Marge leaves) Egghead likes his booky-wook!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Just tucking him in!

Bart: (after Itchy makes Scratchy into a tent) The guys who wrote this show don't know squat. Itchy should have tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
Lisa: Oh, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.
(at that time, Homer can be seen walking by outside, even though he is sitting on the couch during the whole scene)

Bart (thinking): Oh no. Me bring Homer on a rafting trip?
[In Bart's imagination, Homer wears a paper sailor hat and faces the wrong way in the raft.]
Homer (moronically): Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart.
[Homer splashes the other passengers with his paddle.]
Father 1: What an oaf.
Father 2: How embarrassing.
Son: I'm glad he's not my father.

(Bart comes home from scouts after the announcement of the father-son river rafting trip)

Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh?
(the green chair Homer is sitting on falls suddenly. Homer is struggling to get up)
Homer: Stupid poetic justice! (continues grunting and squirming as Bart walks by him)
Bart: Actually we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: He he. You don't have a son.

Bart: Okay, I don't want Homer to come on the trip with me, so I'll just ask him and he'll say no. Then, it'll be his fault.
Homer: Okay, I don't want to go on the trip with Bart, so if he asks me... I'll just say yes!
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute! Are you sure this is how this kind of thing works?
Homer: Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

Ned Flanders: Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's our only hope!
Homer: Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything," but what do you think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water, water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink."

Homer: OOH! Floor Pie!

(after the seagull spirals into the ocean)

Homer: WHOO-HOO! See that, boy? Your old man was right, not Flanders. We are doomed! In your face, Flanders.

Homer: Hey, there's a 'New Mexico!

The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09]

Mr Burns: (to duck wearing a hardhat) Get back to work, Stuart!

[Homer fantasizes when he first sees Mindy]
Cherub Lenny: Homer, what's the matter?
Cherub Carl: Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?
Homer: What the hell was that? I shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot!

[Homer drives backwards into a trout hatchery]
Trout: [singing] Homer loves Mindy! Homer loves Mindy!
Cherub Carl: Hey Homer, you're hallucinating again.
Cherub Lenny: Not a good sign.

[Homer gets into an elevator with his sexy new co-worker Mindy.]
Homer: AAAH! I mean, AAAH-LO!
Mindy: (to Homer) Well, it looks like we're going to be going down together... I mean, getting off together... I mean...
Homer: (to Mindy) That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator... I mean elevator. (in his head) Think unsexy thoughts... think unsexy thoughts...
(imagines Patty and Selma wearing towels and shaving their legs in the bathroom)
Homer (voice-over): Ugh, that's unsexy!
(imagines Barney wearing a skimpy bikini and drunkenly humming the theme to the sitcom I Dream of Jeanie)
Homer (voice-over): Ew!
(Barney continues humming, but stops when he belches. Barney then transforms into Mindy, who blows a kiss before the screen fades back to reality)
Mindy: (in her head) Think unsexy thoughts... think unsexy thoughts...
Homer: Well, this is my floor. [Pushes the emergency stop button and get out] AAAH! [sliding down the cooling tower] SEE YOU TOMORROW!

Homer: Moe, I need advice. You see I have this friend called Joey Jojo...Junior...Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man in the bar leaves crying. Barney runs after him.]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jojo!

Homer: Who are you?
Guardian Angel: Homer, I am your Guardian Angel, I have assumed the form of someone who you idolize and revere; Sir Issac Newton.
Homer: Sir Issa Who-who?
Guardian Angel: Oh very well.
[Homer's Guardian Angel changes shape and becomes Col. Klink, from Hogan's Heroes.]
Homer: Col. Klink! Did you ever get my letters?
Guardian Angel: (in Klink's voice) I'm not actually Colonel Klink... I'm just assuming his form.
Homer: (chuckles) Did you know that Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Guardian Angel: (quiver in voice) Homer!

Homer: (yelling) Oh Col. Klink! Why have you forsaken me!?
[Col. Klink appears out of thin air]
Col. Klink: What is it Homer? Do you have a question?
Homer: (chuckles) Do you know that Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot?
Col. Klink He did?
[Homer nods. Col. Klink makes an angry grunt and disappears.]

[Homer sings while shaving in the bathroom (to the tune of "Mandy" by Barry Manilow).]
Homer: Oh, Mindy / You came and you gave without flaking / But I sent you Ben Gay / Oh, Andy / You kissed me and stopped me from something / and I ...AAAH!
[He notices Lisa is standing behind him.]
Lisa: Dad, why are you singing?
Homer's Brain: Tell a lie, tell a lie, tell a lie!
Homer: I got a small role in a Broadway musical! It's not much, but it's a start.
Homer's Brain: Bra-vo. (slow clapping)

(at the energy convention in Capitol City)

Man: Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!
Mindy: Get bent!
Man #2: No more Chernobyls!
Homer: Go to hell! (hurls a paperweight at the man)

Homer: Oh, Margie / You came and you found me a turkey / On my vacation away from work-y...

$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10]

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you (pointing at the camera) the viewers!

Homer Simpson: [wearing Henry Kissinger's glasses] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isoceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man on Toilet: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Smithers: Sir, bad news from accounting; the economy's hit us pretty hard.
Mr. Burns: Tough times, huh? I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this.

Lisa: Dad! You shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!
Homer: (looking at Bart) Lisa just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

Mr. Burns: They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they, Smithers?
Mr. Smithers: Why, what do you mean, sir?
(camera zooms in on Smithers' face)
Germs on Smithers' face: Freemasons run the country!

(The following is an actual scene that ended up being deleted from this episode. It can be seen on the season seven episode The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular and the Simpsons season five DVD set)

Blofeld: 20. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer gives Bond a Joker card] Joker? You were supposed to take those out of the deck!
Homer: Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one.
James Bond: What is this card? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker?"
Blofeld: What a pity Mr. Bont. [Blofeld's henchmen pull Bont out of his chair]
James Bond: But ... it was Homer's fault! I don't lose; I never lose. [Is pulled out the casino doors] Well at least tell me the details of you plan for world domination!
Blofeld: [following them, chuckling] I'm not going to fall for that one again! [Marge walks past with Maggie]

Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Ah, sure, you just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd but I dreamed the Boogeyman was after me and he's hiding in the...
Homer: AAAAAHHH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! (storms into Bart's room and wakes him up) Bart, I don't want to alarm you but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
Bart: Aaaahhh!

Homer: [after Marge returns home and promises to help Lisa with her costume] Ahh, just like on TV. [Trips over, audience laughs]

[Bart plays a slot machine with a quarter he finds]
Bart: Woo-hoo! Jackpot.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Wait a minute: are you over 21?
Bart: Are you?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: I'm not authorized to answer that.
[But Bart is tossed into the street nonetheless]
Bart: By the way, your martinis suck!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Start your own casino in your treehouse and get all your little friends to come? I'd like to see that. Ah ha ha ha...
[Kids pile into Bart's new casino in his treehouse]]
Bart: Hi, yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day. Mm hmm.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Well, he certainly showed me.

(Robert Goulet arrives at Bart's treehouse Casino)
Robert Goulet: (to Bart) Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
Nelson Muntz: (clenching fist at Goulet) Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that? (shrugs then starts to climb up)

Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Mr. Burns: Now, to the Plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!
Mr. Smithers: But, sir...
Mr. Burns: (pulls out pistol and cocks at Smithers) I said, hop in.

[Homer confronts Marge about her gambling addiction.]
Homer: [grabbing Marge] Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!
Homer: [slower] J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your child.
Marge: What?
Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed - she's such a little trooper.

Ralph Wiggum: I'm Idaho!

Homer the Vigilante [5.11]

Lisa: Dad, someone stole my saxophone.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Bart: Dad, someone stole our portable TV.
Homer: D'oh!

Bart: He even took my stamp collection!
Lisa: You have a stamp collection?
[The family starts laughing. The phone rings and Bart answers.]
Nelson: (over phone) Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.

Flanders: Hidely-ho, neighborinos!
Homer: (briskly) Can't talk. Robbed. Go Hell.

Barney: (After waking up and seeing he is left completely naked and his house is stripped bare, after being robbed) Gee, I thought I had more stuff than this.

Kent Brockman: Professor, would you say it's time for our viewers to panic?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Flanders: Since the police can't seem to get off their duffaroonies to do something about this burglarino, I think it's time we started our own Neighborhood Watch. (silence from the crowd) Aroonie. (The crowd cheers)

Beatnik: "Radiant cool, crazy nightmare, zen New Jersey nowhere. [other beatniks click their fingers in unison, Homer flies by in a plane]
Homer: Put this in your pipe and smoke it! [releases bomb but it does not fall, stares angrily at it]
Beatnik: "How now, brown bureaucrats?"
Homer: [stamps on the bomb until it falls with him on it] WHOO-HOO! WAAH-HA-HA-HOOO! YA-HO-HO-HO! [bomb explodes, back to reality] Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!
Herman: Hey! See the sign? [sign says "Do not ride the Bomb"]
Homer: Sorry.

Homer: For our secret mission, we need code names. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner will be eight ball, Barney will be twelve ball, and Moe will be cue ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.

Homer (inspecting his squad): All right, men. It's time to clean-up this town! (pause)
Skinner: Meaning what exactly?
Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

Homer: No burning leaves without a permit! (Vigilantes kick away burning leaves)
Man: But I already got one!
Homer: Too late!

Homer: So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"
Lisa: Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. [reads a list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination--
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer's Brain: Mental note: the girl knows too much.

Kent Brockman: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: ...Well, touché.

Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
Homer: He'll show.
Skinner: How's that?
Homer: It's his job.
Skinner: How's that?
Homer: He's a burglar.
[The theme from Dragnet begins playing as Skinner and Homer nod to each other, with increasing frequency.]

Homer: Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Simp- Oh my god: underage kids drinking beer without a permit!

Homer: (After reading the newspaper report saying he fell asleep guarding the Springfield Musem) "Asleep at the switch"?! I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: (tenderly) I believe you, Dad.

Jimbo Jones: You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothin' no more! I'm going to law school.
Homer: NOOOOOOOOO!

Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, sorry folks. (Sarcastic) Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail.
Mayor Quimby: Uh, that reminds me, er, here's your monthly kickback.
Chief Wiggum: You just, you couldn't have picked a worse time.

[Several townspeople are stuck in a deep hole they've dug.]
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
[They begin shovelling afresh.]
Chief Wiggum: No, no dig up, stupid.

Bart Gets Famous [5.12]

[During the Box Factory tour...]
Tour Guide: This is the most popular room on the tour.
Milhouse: It looks just like the other rooms.
Tour Guide: Yes, but with one important difference!
[He looks over to a pipe and some wire sticking up out of the floor.]
Tour Guide: Oh, they took that out. Yes, it is just like the other rooms.

Bart: Just watch the Conan O'Brien show. You'll see.
Homer: Alright. But after Leno, I'm all laughed out, you know.

[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]
Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. (To Marge) I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!
Marge: The best performance of your life?
Bart: The best performance of my life!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.
Homer: (breaking a lamp) D'oh!
Bart: Ay, carumba!
Marge: (groans)
Maggie: (sucks her pacifier)
Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!
Barney: (belches)
Nelson: Ha, ha!
Burns: Excellent!
[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that!?

Homer and Apu [5.13]

Apu: [placing packaged ham that expired in 1989 in the bargain bin] This time I have gone too far. But no one will ever buy -
Homer: [grabs ham] Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's already open.
[Homer is at home eating the ham when his stomach gurgles]
Homer: Oooooh... stomach churning... bowels clenching... not much time... [collapses] Must... finish... [continues eating ham]

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
Apu: Oh I am so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp as an apology.
Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
[Cut to a shot of the ambulance Homer was in scenes ago, driving down a wooded road]

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're... selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Homer slams the door]]
Apu: He's got me there.

"Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?" Lyrics"
Apu: [spoken] You see, whether igloo, hut or lean-to or a geodistic dome,
there's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home.
[singing] When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
but now I've come to looooooove your quirks.
Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophize,
Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella.
Sorry about the salmonella. (Homer: He-he-he. That's okay.)
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Now here's the tricky part:
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are sticky-mart.
Lisa: They make Dad sick-e-mart.
Bart: [with brick] Let's hurl a brick-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real -- D'oh!
All: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not mee-eee-ee...
Simpsons:Forget the Kwik-E-Mart.
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart.
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: ...eee. Not Me!
Homer: Ahh. Everything really wrapped up nicely. (checks watch) Hmm, much quicker than usual!
Marge: I guess we learned that happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.

(Apu cries offcamera)

Homer: Hey, what's that sound?
(The Simpsons go outside to find Apu on the roof)
Apu: (sighs) Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I doooooooooooooooooooo!
Homer: Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!

[James Woods in cleaning a microwave while on the phone with his agent.]
James Woods: What do you mean I gotta give two weeks' notice? (as he's scraping the cheese off the microwave oven walls): Lousy... frickin', no-good, mother(bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep) cheese! (on the phone) Oh, not you. I was talking to my oven.

Homer: Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Homer: Let's all hug Apu!
Family: Aw!
[Homer glances at his watch]]
Homer: Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again.

(Barney Gumble is shopping at the Monstro Mart. While pushing a dolly with a keg of Duff Beer and a drum of Pepto Bismol, Barney walks up to a row of Mrs. Butterworth bottles)

Barney: Excuse me, ma'am, where are the lampshades? (the bottles don't respond): Ma'am (rocks one of the bottles, which topples over, oozing syrup): Oh, no, I killed her. It's all happening again!
(Barney wails and goes running into a display of glass cranberry juice jugs that The Squeaky Voiced Teen is setting up. Barney crashes into the display, causing a tidal wave of cranberry juice to spill into the aisle in which Apu and Marge are. Marge and Apu run screaming as the wave hits the aisle, drowning Barney and The Squeaky Voiced Teen)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (as he struggles to keep afloat) Help me! Help me! (goes under for a few seconds until an unbroken cranberry jug floats next to him. The Squeaky Voiced Teen pops up, holding on to the jug, smacking him lips)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Mmm. It's cran-tastic!

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14]

Grampa: Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of Death?
Homer: [pause] Yes, but there's more. [sits down on the couch] Dad, I love you, but — [angry] you're a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes you!
Grampa: Consarn it!

(after The Simpsons spend the day at the mall)

Lisa: Thanks for buying us these toys, Grampa?
Grampa: Bah! Why couldn't you get something useful, like storm windows or (Lisa looks down dejected while Grampa is talking) a nice pipe organ. (Grampa continues, despite that none of the family members are listening to him) I'm thirsty. Eww, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. (Homer makes a turn as Grampa points out the window) Oh, look at that one! (cut to an overhead shot of Homer's car parked in the driveway and every family member running into the house as Grampa continues ranting) Oh, my glaucoma just got worse! The President is a Demmy-crat! Hello! I can't unbuckle my seat belt! Hello! (honks horn)

Malibu Stacy doll: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! [giggles]
Bart: Right on! Say it, sister!
Lisa: It's not funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the way to act — that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goals are to look pretty and land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends and brag about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and land a rich husband!
Bart: ...That's just what I was gonna say.
(Lisa angrily hurls her doll out the window. Meanwhile Grampa is riding a bicycle down the street)
Grampa: Look at me! I'm acting young!
(The Malibu Stacy doll gets caught in the front wheel, sending Grampa flying off the bike. Grampa screams, passing by a blur of colors and houses, until he lands in an open grave in a cemetery where two diggers are having lunch. They look back after Grampa lands in the hole, then resume eating)
Grampa (while in the hole): Hey, this ain't so bad.

(Lisa and Grampa are sitting at the kitchen table, miserable)

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Grampa: It's rotten being old. No one listens to ya.
(Homer cheerfully walks in the kitchen, opening one of the cabinets above the counter)
Homer: I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are! (pulls out a can that reads "Nuts and Gum: Together at Last," and begins eating from it)
Lisa: Well I'm not going to accomplish anything just sitting here--
Grampa: And griping. It's time for--
Lisa: Action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy and see if I can get her to-
Grampa: Come out of retirement. I'm gonna get me a job... a real... (confused) Malibu... and see if Stacy... can help... invent... me... young... (to Lisa) Help!
Lisa: You're getting a job.
Grampa: Yes! I'm going where the action is.
(cut to Grampa, wearing a paper hat and fiddling with a radio knob while wearing a headset)
Grampa: Come in, come in. Mayday! I'm losing your transmission.
(cut to an angry man in his car, shouting at the drive-thru intercom)
Man: I said, "French fries!"
(cut back to Grampa, standing next to a bored-looking teenage boy)
Grampa: What the... do we sell... French... fries?

Marge: Lisa, ordinarily, I'd tell you to stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately!
Bart: Yeah. You made us march in that gay rights parade! [Holds up newspaper showing gay parade with Bart prominently in front looking surprised]
Homer (sarcastically) And we can't watch FOX because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.
Lisa (outraged) I can't believe you're just going to stand by and let your daughter grow up in a world where this (indicates the talking Malibu Stacy doll) this is their role model!
Marge: I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little and I turned out alright. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
(Lisa pulls the cord on her Malibu Stacy doll)
Malibu Stacy: Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

[Marge and Lisa visit the Malibu Stacy plant for a factory tour]
Tour guide: Welcome to "Enchantment Lane" where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born. Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air.
[Shot of grizzled men unhappily assembling dolls]
Foreman: Aw, crap. There's a clog in the torso chute. Leroy! Get your ass in gear!
Leroy: Shut your hole! [jams a mop in the chute]
[a whole pile of doll torsos fall out]

[Smithers turns his computer on. A bitmapped Mr. Burns (shown naked from the shoulders up) appears]
Mr. Burns: [in stilted speech] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at tur-ning me-on.
Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

[Lisa goes to the home of Malibu Stacy creater, Stacy Lovell]
Lisa: [pressing intercom buzzer] Excuse me, Miss Lovell? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy: Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy: [pause] Yes.

[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy]
Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?
Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.
Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.
Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.
Stacy: Well, that — and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

[after the gates to Stacy Lovell's house open]

Boy: All right! I've been waiting nine years to get my Frisbee back! [The gates close. Moments later, the Frisbee the boy retrieved sails over the gates and into the front yard again] Awwwwww!

Deep Space Homer [5.15]

Homer: Union Rule 26: "Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor." Heh heh heh.

Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

Homer: Stupid carbon rod. It's all just a popularity contest.

Homer: Nobody respects me at work.
Marge: Well, we respect you.
(Bart secretly writes "INSERT BRAIN HERE" on the back of Homer's head.)

Announcer (after an extremely violent Itchy and Scratchy episode): The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by young children.

Homer: TV respects me, it laughs with me not at me (Turns on TV)
Man on TV: (Pointing at Homer, laughing) You're stupid!
Homer: D'oh!

Reporter #1: (reporting on a space launch) Unbelievable, just imagine the logistics of weightlessness. And of course, this could have literally millions of applications here on Earth, in everything from watch making to watch repair.
Homer: Bo-ring. (tries to switch channels, but the batteries drop out of the remote) No! The batteries!
Reporter #1: Now let's look at the crew a little.
Reporter #2: They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed "The Three Musketeers." (calm chuckle)
Reporter #1: And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician, and a statistician.

Scientist Dr. Babcock: Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These Nielsen ratings are the lowest ever.
NASA Executive Jack Stillwater: (reading) Oh, my God! We've been beaten by "A Connie Chung Christmas."

NASA Scientist: Well, people enjoying watching television, or "TV"...
(turns it on which shows Home Improvement.)
Tim Taylor: I did it! I super-charged my riding mower. Ho ho ho. (puts it in reverse, plows right through fence) ...OH, NO! I killed Wilson! Ah, well... looks like it's back to jail for me! Ho ho ho.
(switches to Married... with Children)
Peggy: Al... let's have sex.
Al: Uh... no, Peg.
(Audience laughs. Al then leans to a toilet placed next to him and flushes it. The audience cheers loudly).
NASA Worker: Why, they're nothing but blue-collar slobs!

Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.
Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.
(A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.)
Chimp: (arrogant; English accent) No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Homer: Yeah. Maybe I do have the right... What's that stuff?

Marge: When I found out about this, I went through a wide range of emotions. First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned. But now I realize that being a spaceman is something you have to do.

Homer: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later..." And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!

Buzz Aldrin: So Barney, we hear you're kickin' ass.
Homer: I, uh, don't think this contest is over yet, Buzz. If that is your real name. I believe there is still a little something called the swimsuit competition.
Aldrin: There's no swimsuit competition, Homer.
Homer: You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?

Stillwater: Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney's the winner.

Stillwater: (sighs) Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default.
Homer: (jubilant) De-fault! The two sweetest words in the English language.

Bart: Wow, my father an astronaut. I feel so full of... what's the opposite of shame?
Marge: Pride?
Bart: No, not that far from shame.
Homer: Less shame?
Bart: Yeaaaaah...

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?
Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes.
(Homer thinks for a moment and realises something.)
Homer: Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Ant #1: (when the ants' on-shuttle environment is endangered) Protect the queen!
Ant #2: Which one's the queen?
Ant #3: I'm the queen!
Ant #1: No you're not!
Homer: Noooo!
Ant #1: (after the environment is destroyed and the ants fly through the shuttle) Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over - "conquered," if you will - by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

NASA Controller: Er, some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for you. We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here to Mission Control to wish you well and play you a little bit of his own brand of laid-back adult contemporary music.
Homer: [Impressed] Wow, former president James Taylor.

Buzz Aldrin: With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand.
James Taylor: [Angrily] Listen, Aldrin, I'm not as laid back as people think. Now here's the deal: I'm going to play, and you're going to float there and like it.

James Taylor: Sweet dreams and flying machines... flying safely through the air.

[As the shuttle placed in increasing by the freed ants]
James Taylor: Ants, huh? We had quite a severe ant problem at the Vineyard this year. I had Art Garfunkel come by with his compressor and we created a total vacuum outside the house and we blew the ants out the front door. [Sadly] But I'm sure you high-tech NASA people could care less about our resort town ways. [Turns to leave]
NASA Scientist: [Raising a cosh, menacingly] Quiet, you...
NASA Controller: Wait a minute! This unkempt youngster might just be on to something.

(Grampa and Lisa watch Homer's reentry on television.)

Lisa: C'mon, dad, you can make it.
Grampa: Oh, of course he'll make it! It's TV!

Kent Brockman: Well, this reporter was... possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to... reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now.

Homer Loves Flanders [5.16]

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me two tickets to that game.
[The doorbell rings]
Ned: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick -
[Homer slams the door shut]
Himer: Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes the waffle off the ceiling. Homer catches it.]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but - [bites the waffle]. Mmm, Sacrilicious.

Ned: What's with the lead pipe? Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'?
Homer: Well, yeah.
[They both laugh]

Lisa: Homer and Ned Flanders friends? What's next, A's on Bart's report card?
(Marge, Lisa, and Bart laugh, but Bart stops)
Bart (realizes he's been insulted): Hey!

[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]
Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because.. I crippled him myself to inspire you.
[cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side]
Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
[Kirk and Luann look at each other worried]

[Ned dreams he is shooting people from a clocktower]
Ned: There's Homer. There's Homer, too. There's Homer.
[A mailman takes out an uzi and fires back at Ned. Ned wakes up in a cold sweat]
Ned: AAAAH!
Maude: Ned, what is it?
Ned: I think I hate Homer Simpson.
[Next door, Homer wakes up in a cold sweat]
Homer: AAAAH! Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No wait, I find him informative and witty. Good night.

Lisa: This football game is just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's biggest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall.
Homer: Yeah, they said they'd get us back by spiking our water supply, but they didn't have the guts.
[Marge takes a drink of water from the faucet. Everything becomes colorful and dripping]
Marge: Ooh, the walls are melting again. Heh-heh-heh!
Turkey in oven: Personally, I think I'm overdone.
[The turkey rockets away]

Homer: [driving past Lenny and Carl with Ned] THIS IS NED FLANDERS - MY FRIEND!
Lenny: What'd he say?
Carl: I don't know, something about being gay.

Ned: [to Moe] I know you. You're the guy that reads to sick children at the hospital.
[Cut to Moe reading "My Friend Flicka to a hospitalized girl]
Moe: "And truly, she was my friend Flicka."
[Moe closes the book and sheds a tear. The scene cuts back to the present]
Moe: [grabbing Ned's collar] If you tell anyone about this, the next words out of your mouth will be muffled by your own butt!

Moe: [reading "Little Women" to homeless] "Then they realized that they weren't little girls anymore... they were little women."
[Moe gets choked up and sheds a tear]

Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17]

(Marge gets up and walks through the incredibly messy house)

Marge: (steps on a) Sandwich. (finds) Underpants. (opens the refrigerator) Bowling ball, more underpants...

(Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast)

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. (to Homer): Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?
Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.
Bart: Think you'll win?
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

[Marge announces that no one leaves until the house is clean]
Bart: [gasp]]
Lisa: [gasp]]
Homer: Oh, dear God, no!
[Bart runs to the door and tries to open it.]
Marge: I think you'll find that escape is impossible.

Homer: I call the basement!
Bart/Lisa/Marge': Fine!
[everyone runs off]
Homer: D'oh...?
[sees the basement]
Homer: D'OH!

Homer: These TV guides, so many memories. [reads] "Gomer upsets Seargent Carter" Oh, I'll never forget that episode!
[He imagines Gomer Pyle & Sgt Carter.]
Sgt Carter: Pyle!
Gomer Pyle: Shazam!
Sgt Carter: Pyle!
Gomer Pyle: Shazam!
Sgt Carter: Pyle!
Gomer Pyle: Shazam!
Homer: Heh heh heh, "Shazam!"
Marge: Stop remembering TV and get to work. (goes upstairs)
Homer (shouting): What's the point of all this cleaning? (falls to his knees, bellowing) ARE WE SO VAIN?!

Bart: Guys, I am not leaving without my elephant. [The guys kicks him out of the radio station] Whoa! [Then kicks Homer out]
Homer: Weee!
Bart: Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? [Music returns] Where's my elephant?
Grampa: Hey, They're playing the Elephant Song!
Jasper: I love that song. It reminds me of elephants.

[A suspicious candidate shows up to make an offer for Bart's elephant, Stampy.]
Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Blackheart: [laughs] Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

Bart: Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Dad sell you to that ivory dealer. You and me are gonna run away together. We'll stick to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's only twelve miles to Africa.

[Homer hits a plastic deer with his car.]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!

[Homer realizes he is slowly sinking into a tar pit]
Homer: Don't worry I'm sure I can struggle my way out of this. I'll just pull my legs out with my hands. And now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

(as Stampy walks through the Flanders' yard late at night)

Ned: Oh, it's the Four Elephants of the Apocalypse!
Maude (sleepily): That's "Horsemen", Ned.
Ned: Gettin' closer.

Burns' Heir [5.18]

Smithers: Oh my god, Mr. Burns is dead! (Starts crying) Why did he have to die so young?

[THX ad plays, cracking Hans Moleman's glasses, shattering an unknown man's teeth, blowing up an EXIT sign, splitting part of the theater ceiling, and making a second man's head explode. Everyone cheers at the end]
Grampa: Turn it up! Turn it up!!!

(during the auditions for Burns's heir)
Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, "No geeks!"
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool.

Bart: (reading the card Homer gave him) Hello, Mr... Kurns. I bad want money now. Me sick.
Homer: (offstage) Ooh, he card reads good!
Bart: (still reading) So pick please me, Mr. Burns...
Homer: It's "Kurns," stupid!
Marge: No, it isn't!
Homer: Disregard!

[Burns shows Bart a screen with his family on it]
"Homer": [woodenly] I do not miss Bart at all.
"Marge": [in wrong voice] I am glad he's gone.
"Lisa": [sounding unintelligent] As am I.
"Homer": [dropping his sandwich] B'oh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
(Mr. Burns opens a door, leading to a set where the Simpsons are sitting down)
Mr. Burns: People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh," he says... (flips through a script) "D'oh!"
(the actor and actress playing Homer and Marge respectively unmask themselves. The actress playing Marge lights up a cigarette)
Actor Playing Homer: (British accent) Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
Actress Playing Marge: (takes cigarette out of her mouth and exhales smoke) And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19]

Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner. The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children.

Chalmers: SKINNER, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Skinner: Did you just call me a liar?
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh, that's much worse.

Skinner: Let's see: Tide. Cheer. Bold. Biz. Fab. All. Gain. Wisk. I believe today I will try... Bold.

Soldiers: I don't know what I've been told, the Parthenon is mighty old!!!
Skinner: How Old?
Soldiers: We don't know.
Skinner: Well that's real good, but needs improvement.



Bart': Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me! Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it! It's a hell of a toboggan ride.
Ned: (over PA) Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: Thank the Lor - thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history!

The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20]

[Bart, racked with guilt, watches the fictional TV Program "McGarnigle"]
McGarnigle: You gotta tell 'em what you saw, Billy.
Little Billy: But I'm scared, McGarnigle.
McGarnigle: Do it for me, Billy. For McGarnigle.
Little Billy: Okay... for you... McGarnigle.
[the scene changes]
Police Chief: Well McGarnigle. Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear!
McGarnigle: Hey! I'm tryin' to eat lunch here!

Skinner [internal monologue, looking at Bart] I know you can read my thoughts Bart. Just a little reminder: if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer [internal monologue, looking at Bart] I know you can read my thoughts, boy... [to the tune of 'meow mix'] meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...

Homer: [lowering a table out of the window then drops it] Got it, Barn?
Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
Skinner: You're stealing a table?
Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Homer: Souvenir.

Moe: Oh, good. My laundry is done. (After receiving a sack with a large dollar sign on it while testifying for Mayor Quimby's Nephew)

(during the trial, after Moe is given is bribe money for not testifying against Mayor Quimby's nephew)

Bart: Ah, the system works. Just ask Klaus von Bulow.

[During one of Bart's paranoid daydreams]
Future Bart: [resembling Lunchlady Doris and working in the school cafeteria] More creamed corn, Jimbo Junior?
Jimbo Jones Junior: This creamed corn tastes like creamed crap!
Future Bart: Watch the potty mouth, honey.

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
Marge: Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again.
Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?
Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head. Like a certain uncle did, one grave December morn...

[deleted scene with Skinner having a Vietnam flashback]

Principal Skinner: Oh no! The Vietcong are approaching, get outta the way, General! Open fire, men! (Imitates a machine gun while asleep)
Homer: [eating popcorn watching] Come on, Skinner! GET'EM! GET'EM!

Hutz: How could you have seen all this, Bart? Weren't you supposed to be in school?
Bart: [slowly] I sort of skipped school.
Skinner: I knew it! I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Simpson!
Apu: What slip-up? What are you talking about? He confessed it!
Skinner: Quiet, I need this.


Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21]

Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!
[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magagie."]
Homer: What? It's not Magagie's birthday?

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
[Homer imagines the freakish kids]
Homer: Aaah!

Abe: You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember. And a song that may never have existed. And a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.
Jackie: That is so sweet!

Mr. Burns: Why, it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife Wilma. [Maggie crawls in] Oh, and this must be little Pebbles. [walks in] Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.
Homer: Yabba-dabba-doo!

[Jackie Bouvier has just revealed that she is marrying Mr. Burns.]
Marge: He's an awful, awful, awful man! I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters.
Homer: That's right, Money! Your money's happiness is all that moneys!

[Jackie has left the dance with Mr. Burns. Abe walks home under the streetlights]
Abe: Goodnight, Mrs. Bouvier. Wherever you are...
Lawyer: Sir, I represent the estate of Jimmy Durante. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt to this unauthorized imitation. Boys?
[Two toughs take the fedora off Abe's head and stomp on it.]
Abe: Would it be alright with you if I just laid down in the street and died?
Lawyer: ( off-screen, rustling paper) ...Yes. That would be acceptable.

[Bart tries to trade his Itchy and Scratchy animation cell, which only has Scratchy's arm on it.]
Comic Book Guy: Let me show you something. (He reaches behind the counter and pulls out a cell with Snagglepuss on it.) This is a Snagglepuss drawn by Hic Heissler. It is worth something. (Indicating Scatchy's arm) This - this is an arm. Drawn by nobody! It is worth nothing!

Mr. Burns: (to his employees) Everyone who's found true love may leave early today.
[Every one leaves except one man]

Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22]

[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself]
Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how.

[Homer and Marge have a chat in bed about Homer's teaching job]
Marge: Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everybody knew I dyed my hair!
Homer: Oh, you mean about you. All right, maybe I said some things, some personal things. But you should have seen them, Marge they really wanted to hear what I had to say.
Marge: Mmm, I'm happy about that. But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.
Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
Marge: Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: (meekly) Yes ma'am.

[Homer tries to abide by Marge's dictum the next evening.]
Homer: Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as, "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."
[Everyone groans]
Moe: Tell us more about you and Marge!
Homer: This is a place of learning, not a house of... hearing about things.
[Everyone starts to leave]
Woman: I guess he's run out of stories.
Skinner: What a rip-off.

Homer: Alright brain, what are we supposed to do [to get Marge back]?
Homer's Brain: [very quickly] Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding.

Rev. and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge
Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [Holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.


Season 6

Bart of Darkness [6.01]

[The Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from their pool kit.]
Homer: All right, everybody in the pool!
Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
Homer: D'oh-eth!

Bart's Brain: Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty boy.
Bart: Oh, great. I get to spend the Summer with my brain!

[Lisa floats in the pool, basking in her popularity.]
Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know?
Lisa: Shut up, brain. I've got friends now. I don't need you anymore!

(after hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders's house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard)
Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Martin: Finally, my plan has come to fruition. Soon I'll be queen of Summertime. Uh... King! King!

Jimbo: Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this!
[All the kids exit the pool. The water level drops significantly, leaving Lisa stranded at the bottom.]
Lisa: Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here. I've got to think of a way to get out.
Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well... Look who came crawling back.

Bart: Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife!
Homer: But,why? She's such a fox...
(Marge glares at Homer)
Homer: I mean, what's on FOX tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Automated phone: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department "Rescue Phone"! If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.(Bart presses four numbers on the phone) You have selected "regicide!" If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one.(Bart hangs up)

Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.
Maude: Uh, I'm right here.
Homer: [sarcastically] Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package! (pause) Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Lisa's Rival [6.02]

Alison: It's great of you to come over, Lisa. I really want us to be friends.
Lisa: (forcing a smile) You're a wonderful person!
Prof. Taylor: Hi, Lisa, I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you.
Lisa: Oh, really? I...
Prof. Taylor: Oh, don't be modest! I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram game.
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Prof. Taylor: Like, er... oh, I don't know, uh... Alec Guiness.
Alison: "Genuine class"!
Prof. Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um... Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: (thinks for a moment) Jeremy's... iron.
Prof. Taylor: Mm-hmm, well that's... very good... for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. (hands it to Lisa) Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

Homer: (spoken with strong Cuban accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this stupid sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge! Never! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend some of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors! Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called City Fathers who cluck their tounges, stroke their beards and say, "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Sugar Thief (after being asked where he got his sugar) I nicked it, when you let your guard down, for that split second. And I'd do it again.

Ralph Wiggum: I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids!

Ralph Wiggum: Ow, I bent my Wookie.

[Lisa has just fainted after out-playing herself against Allison]
Music Teacher: Wow, Lisa. We thought we lost you for a second, but you made it!
Lisa: You mean I got first chair?
Music Teacher: Huh? No. You recovered consiousness, Allison got first chair.
Lisa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [passes out again]
Music Teacher: Wake up Lisa.
Lisa: [wakes up] Oh, it was all a dream.
Music Teacher: We thought we lost you but you made it!
Lisa: I got first chair?
Music Teacher: No, you recoverd consiousness. Allison got first chair, and believe me, THIS IS NOT A DREAM!
Lisa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03]

Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters. (reused footage from earlier episode)
Marge: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?
Bart: It's a new episode.
Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
Bart: (switches to new footage) Really?
Lisa: Ren and Stimpy do it all the time.
Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

(after Marge is finished reading The Bridges of Madison Country)

Marge: Homer, are you awake? This is important. Give me some sign that you're awake.
(Homer belches)
Marge: Wake up!
Homer (sleepily): What? What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire?
Marge: Homer, do you think the romance has gone out of our lives?
(Homer belches again)
Marge (impatiently): Wake up!
Homer (sleepily): Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. and I worked all day.
Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.
(cut to a clip from the Season Four episode New Kid on the Block where Homer is fishing his half-eaten hot dog out of the pool he's sitting in)

Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04]

Krusty: OK kids, you heard the cartoon rat. So if you haven't already run to your parents, begging to go to Itchy & Scratchy Land, do it now. You won't be missing anything funny. I'll just be here reading this adult newspaper. [reads a horse racing form] GO NOW!

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought, fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

[Lisa bursts into Homer and Marge's bedroom dragging Bart behind her in a wagon.]
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart's dead!
Homer and Marge: Oh my god! No!, etc.
[Bart sits up.]
Bart: That's right! Dead serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!

Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
[Pulls up to highway... which is gridlocked]
Everyone: D'oh!
Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.
[honks horn]

[The Simpsons drive up to a fruit and vegetable checkpoint.]
Homer: Oh my God... what'll I do, what'll I do?
Marge: What's the matter with you, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables in the car.
Homer: (winces) The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge! (Homer holds a pamphlet: "Smuggled vegetables: the road to E-Z success")
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (approaching car) Got any fruits or vegetables?
[Homer panics, floors it, smashes wooden barrier. Fruits and vegetables spill from the trunk in a trail]
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Hey... Mr. Wembley, it happened again!

[As night falls, Marge and Homer both yawn.]
Marge: We better find a motel and stop for the night.
Homer: (sleepy) We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired, I'm not tired at all.
[Car skids on road, crashes into pole, bursts into flame. The family watches through the window of a motel room.]
Bart: Glad that wasn't us!

Homer: (looking at map) North... south... aw, nuts to this! I'm going to take a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no, you're going to get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars, you can't get lost, what with all the silicon chips and such.

[The Simpsons are in a helicopter, flying over to Itchy and Scratchy Land.]
Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future, where nothing can possi-bly go wrong. [Simpsons look at each other, worried] Er, possi-blee go wrong. Huh. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

[Bart and Lisa look around the gift shop.]
Lisa: Hey, I don't recognize these characters!
Bart: You're probably too young to remember the short-lived "Itchy and Scratchy and Friends Hour." They had to come up with some friends: there's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam...
Lisa: Oh, yeah! They weren't very funny.
Bart: I don't know. Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

Marge: And the bartender looks like John Travolta.
Bartender: Yeah... "looks like."

Band Leader: Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's always New Year's Eve! Here we go again! 3, 2, 1...
Everyone: Happy New Year!
[confetti falls and "Auld Lang Syne" plays]
Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the New Year over and over.
Waiter: Please kill me.

Narrator: Roger Meyers Sr., the cartoonist that invented Itchy & Scratchy, who loved the world. And in return he was beloved by the world, except in 1939, for his controversial cartoon "Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors."

Repairman: [after he takes the robotic face off of Scratchy; Scratchy screams] I really wish they wouldn't scream...

[Bart uses the flash from his camera to kill the robots.]
Bart: (In a Terminator-like voice) Hey mouse, say cheese!
[The camera flashes and the mouse robot keels over.]
Bart: With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero!

[Bart smashes a window to get more cameras to fight the robots. For no apparent reason, he smashes the window next to it as well.]
Bart: Smashy, smashy!
Marge: Mmmm... I don't approve of that.

Homer: (emerging from a pile of robots) Die bad robots! Die! Heh heh! With a dry cool wit like that I could be-
Bart: (interrupting) WHO would've thought our vacation to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be our best vacation ever?

Professor Frink: Man, if this is happening here, I would hate to think what would happen in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land
[Shots of empty parking lots and a deserted entrance]
French Employee: (in booth) Hello! Itchy and Scratchy Land open for business! (silence, shots of the empty park as the French Employee's voice echos from a distance) Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on! My last paycheck bounced! My children need wine! (Speaks the final line in French.)

Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05]

Sideshow Bob: I'm in jail for a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder?" I mean, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? [someone throws a bottle that nearly hits Bob] Oh, come on! This is a personal call!

Larry King: The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: even though we're being broadcast on FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
[Everyone promptly hoots and hollers obnoxiously]

Homer: AAH! It's the rapture! Quick, get the boy out of the house before God comes!

Bart: Oh, no! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!

Lisa: You don't have the intelligence to rig an election by yourself, do you?
Bart: You were just Barlow's lackey!
Lisa: You were Ronnie to his Nancy!
Bart: Sonny to his Cher!
Lisa: Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!
Bob: Enough! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! [everyone gasps] There, is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?
Bart: We want the truth.
Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities.
Judge: Will you get to the point?

Bart's Girlfriend [6.06]

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

[Bart tells Lisa that Jessica pulled the fire alarm.]
Lisa: I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet!
Bart: She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
Lisa: You gotta give her up.
Bart: No no, wait: hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along she's bound to settle down and start treating me right. After all, I deserve it.
Lisa: Bart, it's naive to think you can change a person... except maybe that boy who works in the library...
[flashback to library]
Ralph: Do you have, "Go, Dog, Go"?
Boy: [scoffs] That's in Juvenile. This is Young Adult.
Lisa: [back to present] Well-read, and just a little wild. [dreamy] Ooh, if only someone could tame him...
Bart: You're right, Lisa: love isn't about "fixing" someone. I'm just going to give her up cold turkey. I'm not going to talk to her or see her - it's over. Thanks for the advice, sis.
Lisa: [sighs wistfully]

Treehouse of Horror V [6.07]

Marge: Hello once again. As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off for bed...
[someone hands her a paper; she reads it]
Marge: Oh, my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead they've suggested the 1947 Glenn Ford classic movie, "200 Miles to Oregon".
[a clip from the movie shows; the picture shuts off like a television being unplugged. The little white dot remaining at the center expands into a green line which becomes modulated with Bart's voice like an oscilloscope trace]
Bart: There's nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. We are controlling the transmission.
Homer: What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! [laughs] Brrr... hee! Heeee! [changing pitches] Blub blub blub blub blub! Thiiis...iiis my vooice...on teeeveeeee-
Bart: Dad! You're ruining the mood.
Homer: Sorry.
Bart: For the next half-hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of... "The Simpsons Halloween Special."

The Shinning

[Tuesday]
Homer: [in car] Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
Homer: D'oh!
[Wednesday]
Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.
Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
Homer: D'oh! D'oh!
[Thursday]
Lisa: [long silence] Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station. [Homer stares determinedly ahead, appearing not to notice her] What about Grampa?

Mr. Burns: [after an elevator empties out a huge amount of blood] Hmmmm... that's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.

Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

Willy: [thinking] No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!
Bart: What's haggis?
Willie: [gasps] Boy, you read me thoughts. You've got the Shinning!
Bart: You mean "Shining."
Willie: Shh! Do you want to get sued?

Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer... something-something...
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do! [Goes on a mad rant]
[Marge breaks open a case labeled "In case of spousal insanity, break glass" and grabs the baseball bat within]
Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!
Homer: [chasing Marge up some stairs] Give me the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat. Come on. Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat! (makes scary face) Ha ha ha! Scaredy cat! Bleaahhh... [Makes another scary face, then sees himself in a mirror] AAAAAHH! [falls down stairs, knocking himself out]
[Marge leaves unconscious Homer locked in a pantry]
Marge: You stay here until you're no longer insane. Hmm, chili would be good tonight.

Homer: [Homer chops into a room] Heeeere's Johnny!
[camera pulls back to reveal empty room]
Homer: D'oh!
[chops into another room]
Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa: Hi David, I'm Grampa.
Homer: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer: [holding a ticking stopwatch] I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on "60 Minutes"!
Family: AHH!

Willie: Uh-oh. The little fat boy and his family are in trouble.
[runs outside, throws TV in the snow]
Willie: I'm coming to rescue the lot of you!
[opens door to lodge]
Willie: All right, loony: show me what you got.
[Homer drives an axe into his back]
Willie: Aw, is that the best you can do? [collapses]

Homer: [Sitting in the snow with a small portable TV] Urge to kill fading... fading... fading... rising! Fading... fading... gone.
[The family sighs.]]
Homer: Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow!
[later]
TV: Live from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your special hosts, Tyne Daly and Hal Lynden!
Bart: Homer... change channel!
Homer: Can't... frozen!
[singing starts on TV]
Family: AAAAH!
Homer: Urge to kill rising...

Time and Punishment

Homer: Wow, I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.
Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer, you're the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos! OK, don't panic -- remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
[remembers]
Grandpa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
Homer: Fine. As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future. [a mosquito flies in] Stupid bug! You go squish now!
[swats it]
Homer: That was just one teensey mosquito. but that won't alter the future right? [silence] RIGHT?
Megatherium: [mumbles] I don't know.

Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I... [Maggie axes him] Argh! [collapses]
Maggie: [James Earl Jones voice] This is indeed a disturbing universe.

[A stereotypical Darwin fish crawls out of a lake and Homer absently squashes it]
Homer: Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish...

Homer: [back in time; a T-Rex stands near him] AHHH!
[He sneezes; the T-Rex sniffles, then collapses, causing a big line of dinosaurs to drop dead]
Homer: This is gonna cost me...

Homer: Don't touch anything? I'LL TOUCH WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE!

[Arriving back in the present, he notices the layout of the house has changed so he is richer]
Homer: D'oh! I mean, hey...
Bart: Good morning, Father dear. Hope you're well.
Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan... whoo hoo! I hit the jackpot. [sits down] Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge: Donut? What's a donut?
Homer: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[runs downstairs and disappears back into time; outside the window, donuts start falling from the sky]
Marge: Hmm... it's raining again.

Marge: Good morning, dear.
Homer: What's my name?! What color is the sky?! What of donuts, what?! For the love of God, tell me!
Marge: Homer! The sky is blue, donuts are plentiful, Friday is T.G.I.F. night on ABC. What's gotten into you?
Homer: Nothing, nothing. Let's just eat.
[He sits down to breakfast, but the rest of the family, instead of using silverware, just flick their food with long, lizard tongues.]
Homer: Eh... close enough.

Nightmare Cafeteria

Jimbo: It's hard to scrub this giant pot from the inside when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.
[The pot lid is closed on Jimbo]
Jimbo: Oh, great. Now I gotta work in the dark.

Bart: I wonder where Jimbo is today. He should've beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.

Lisa: Bart, isn't it strange that Uter is missing and suddenly, the cafeteria is serving this mysterious food called "Uter-braten"?
Principal Skinner: Oh, relax kids. I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere. (starts to laugh) After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? (laughs harder) In fact, you might say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! (laughs, then realizes his faux pas) Wait. Scratch that one.

Willie: Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! [Skinner appears and axes him] Argh! Oh, I'm bad at this. [collapses]

Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by... eating your shorts.

[Skinner turns a food processor on to "gooify" and backs the children towards it]
Bart: Don't worry, guys. Something always comes along to save us.
[Milhouse falls off the edge into the blender]
Bart: [to Lisa] Uh, nevertheless, I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpson children...

Marge: Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family now where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: Uh oh, it's seeping in. Stupid cheap weather stripping!

Lisa on Ice [6.08]

Weather Presenter: (on TV) There's a 75% chance of hilarity!
Homer: I like those odds.

Skinner: (on PA) Attention students, please make your way for an assembly at the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. (Off PA) Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! <walks on stage>
Skinner: No no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Homer: Well, boy, you won. So I'm going to live up to my side of the agreement: here's your turtle, alive and well.
Bart: Aw, thanks, Dad. (Bart and Homer hug) How about some adulation from my little sister?
Lisa: Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a concussion.
Bart: Oh, you're just jealous, because (begins to deliver slapshots of garbage at Lisa) you-stink-at-SPORTS!

Jimbo: Nice PJs, Simpson. Did your mommy buy 'em for ya?
Bart: Of course she did. Who else would have?
[Pause]
Jimbo: (menacing) All right, Simpson, you win this round.

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

Lisa: I have to join the team or I'll get an F that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
[In the future, Lisa is being sworn in]
Chief Justice: I now pronounce you President of these United...
Reporter: Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our President-Elect got an F in second grade gym class!
[Crowd gasps; Lisa is handcuffed]
Chief Justice: In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island! (lowers voice) Don't worry, it's just a name.
Cut to Monster Island; Lisa and others are chased by three kaiju (Gamera, Rodan & Mothra)
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

[ball lands on Lisa's hair, popping it]
Volleyball Coach: (sadly) Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year.
Other Girls: Aww...

Homer: Alright hotshots, now that my daughter is on the team I want to make a few things clear.
Lisa: Dad please, just go, I'll be fine.
Homer: I don't want you to make fun of her, just because she's different... A-ha ha ha! Hey, look! That kids got bosoms! Has anybody got a wet towel? (begins chasing Uter, whipping him with a towel) Come here, you butterball!
Üter: Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!

Edna Krabappel: Bart Simpson, will you stop putting your hand up! You haven't had one right answer all day!

Bart: I was going to see if we could deal with this peacefully... but instead I just ripped the head off Mr. Honey Bunny!!
Lisa: Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: (realizing what he's done) Ah! Mr. Honey Bunny!

Lisa: Get out, get out!
Bart: Okay, Lis. But as I go, I'm going to be doing this... (windmills his arms) If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: Fine, then I'm gonna start kicking air, like this. (kicks up her foot) And if any part of you should fill that air... (kicks again) ...it's your own fault.
(they close their eyes and move toward each other; below, their grunting turns to sounds of pain and fighting)
Marge: I'm gonna check that out. Now Homer, don't you eat this pie.
Homer: Okay...
[Marge leaves]
Homer: All right, pie, I'm gonna go like this... (chomps air) ...and if you get eaten, it's your own fault!
[He closes his eyes and moves toward the pie, chomping the air, and bashes his head on the oven hood)
Homer: OW! ARGH! OH, MY...! Oh, the hell with it. (picks up pie and eats it)

Marge: (flicking light switch on and off) Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Bart: Mom, that is really annoying!
Marge: You are not in direct competition with each other! Repeat, you are not in direct competition!
Homer: (running in) Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You'll be in direct competition! And I don't want you to go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! (flicking light on and off) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Chief Wiggum: (to prisoners) Alright, I'm gonna make a little deal with you mugs. I'll let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells.
Snake: Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise.
Chief Wiggum: Alright, alright, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, okay?
Snake: No.
Chief Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes. (opens jail cells, prisoners run out)
Prisoners: All right! We're free!

Krusty: (singing The Star Spangled Banner) Oh say can you see, la-la-la-da-da... light. What so proudly we yah...la-la-ya... [crowd boos] Ooh, I knew I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

[At hockey game, score tied, final seconds.]
Bart supporters: Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!
Lisa supporters: Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart!

Homer: (Bart must take a penalty shot against Lisa) Oh my God, Marge, a penalty shot with four seconds left! The winner will be showered with praises, and the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

Homer: Bad Man [6.09]

TV announcer: "Tonight on FOX, Homer Simpson, Portrait of an Assgrabber," starring Dennis Franz.
Homer: Ooh, "Portrait," sounds classy!
[On TV, a car drives erratically down the street. Homer is behind the wheel. He is about to drive over a cat.]
"Ashley:" No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!
"Homer:" I don't care!
[He hits the cat, who screeches loudly. He stops the car and eyes "Ashley" lustfully.]'
"Homer:" Now I'm gonna grab me some sweet!
"Ashley:" Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I'll scream so loud the whole country will hear!
"Homer:" With a *man* in the White House? Not likely!

Protestors: (Chanting) Two, four, six, eight! Homer's crime was really great! (pause) "Great," meaning "large" or "immense!" We use it in the pejorative sense!

Bart: Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from!

[Homer tells his side of the story on the news magazine "Rock Bottom."]
Homer: Eh, someone had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... (he moans) I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is...
Jones: That was really great, Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.
Homer: Okay. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his style!
...
[But it airs heavily edited...]
Homer: Eh, somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on - her sweet - can - so I grabbed her - sweet can - Oh, just thinking about - her - can - I just wish I - had - her - sweet - sweet - s-s-sweet - can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
[Cut to a paused shot of Homer drooling.]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
[The paused shot of Homer grows larger, indicating that he is moving closer.]
Jones: No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist...Mr. Simpson... NOOOOO!
Announcer: [quickly] Dramatization may not have happened.

Homer: Marge, kids. everything's gonna be just fine. Now go up stairs pack your bags, we're gonna start a new life... under the sea. (sighs)
[Fantasy based on the "Under the Sea" number from "The Little Mermaid."]
Homer: [singing] Under the sea! Under the sea! (eats three fish) there'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans under the sea!
(Seahorses swim inside his mouth. Homer then eats a lobster, two dancing slugs, a snail. He ends the fantasy surrounded by several fish skeletons. Back to reality...)
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: move under the sea. It's not gonna happen!
Homer: Not with that attitude!

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10]

Marge: This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Paul Harvey, you know, that nice midwestern man on the radio who's like a pleasant version of Grampa?
Homer: Ooh! "Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American."
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only $.99. And I found the new Al Gore book.
Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".
Bart: I'm getting this book on UFOs. Did you know they're real, but there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up?
Lisa: Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.
[The salesman runs Lisa's book over the scanner; a signal travels down through the scanner, over wires, to a satellite dish, up to a satellite, and down to the Pentagon. A man in uniform grabs a printout and dashes off to the White House]
Officer: Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.
Al Gore: Well, this calls for a celebration. [puts on a :Kool 'n' the Gang record:
Record: "Celebrate good times..."
Al Gore: I will.

[Marge and Homer are driving along listening to the tape, they look bored.]
Harvey: By now your new, improved love life should have you flinging "woo" like nobody's business. So to you, Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, I bid a good day.
[Marge throws the tape out the car window and onto the road. Homer stops, backs up, and repeatedly drives over the tape.]

Grampa: What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer:: N... yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Grampa: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex!

Grampa: Here you go, ya ingrate! Think of me when you're havin' the best sex of your life!

[After drinking his dad's potion, Homer drives home and opens the door resolutely, then unplugs the TV. The kids, watching it, open their mouths]
Homer: [quickly] Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now!
[He pushes the kids out of the house and sweeps Marge into his arms]
Marge: Whoa! Homey, what's-
Homer: Marge, I'll explain to you afterwards.
[He carries her upstairs into bedroom, shuts door; shots of a train goes into a tunnel, a rocket taking off, hot dogs are rolled along an assembly line... then the camera pulls back to show a movie screen; Bart, Lisa, and Maggie sit in the front row, a sign in the back reads "Stock Film Festival."]
Lisa: What do you think Mom and Dad are doing right now?
Bart: I dunno.

[Homer shaves, whistling. Marge appears at the bathroom door and clears her throat admiringly.]
Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works -- you and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.
Homer: You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?
Marge: You can make a lot of money...
Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants?
Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.
[outside, Ned and Maude are trying to get the pants out of their tree]
Maude: Oh, hurry Neddy. They're awful!
Ned: [trying to dislodge them with a pole] You just be ready with that garbage bag, Maude!

Homer Ooh, Mama! This is finally really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme... and quick!

Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's gotta be true!

[Homer and Abe are selling the tonic]
Abe: And for the minimal outlay of one dollar, you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario, distilled Don Juan, catalytically-carbonated Cassanova. Lock old Rover in the shed, 'cause man has a new best friend in Simpson & Son's revitalizing tonic!
Man: I'm not convinced! I've had bad luck with aphrodisiacs.
Abe: All questions will be answered, all fears will be allayed, with one incontrovertible demonstration. May I have a volunteer from the audience? [points to Homer] Yes, you sir. Now, sir, you've never seen me before, is that correct?
Homer: [wooden] That is correct.
Man: Well, then how come his face is on the bottle?
Homer: [pause] Um...
Abe [pause] Um...
[The pair get chased out of town; banjo getaway music plays]
Abe You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business.
Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music!
[Abe turns the radio off; the pickup full of hillbillies stops, the hillbillies sigh and turn around]

Bart: OK, it's now painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you, too?
[Milhouse and Bart start wrestling]
Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
Bart: [condescending] So what's the simplest explanation?
Lisa [sarcastically] I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!
[Lisa sighs]

Abe: Oh, memories! If this old place could talk, it'd say- [pulls light cord; ceiling collapses, vase, chair, toaster, and tricycle on Abe's head] :

Homer: Heh heh heh... [bathtub falls on him]


Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life.

Bart: So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse?
Milhouse: [steps up to blackboard] Ahem. OK, here's what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with- [points to Bart] the saucer people...
Bart Thank you.
Milhouse [points to Lisa] ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires...
Lisa [sighs]
Milhouse: ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. [sotto voce] We're through the looking glass here, people...

[Homer talks to his children about the situation with Abe. Bart eats a candy bar]
Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey - put it away, boy! - situation. And your daddy has realized something very important: a father should always make his kids feel wanted. Starting right now I promise to spend a lot more time with you and give you the attention you deserve.
[He gets up, and hugs Bart and Lisa so tight they can hardly breathe]

Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer But I'm using my whole ass.
Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
Homer: [sighs] Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've got to go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
[he gets into the car and drives off]
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say, "serious drinking."
Lisa: That's what I assumed.

Homer: Dad!
Abe: Son!
Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
Abe: No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
Homer: You know what?
Abe What?
Homer: We're both screw-ups.
Abe: It doesn't matter. What matters is, you were right when you told me I never said anything nice about you.
Homer: So... are you going to say something nice now?
Abe: Well I hadn't thought that far ahead. [pause] Oh, OK, here it goes: I'm not sorry I had you, son. I was always proud...that you weren't a short man.
Homer: Aw, Dad!
[they hug as the house roof caves in]
Abe: What do you say we roll on the grass, Son?
Homer: I'm with you, Dad.
[they roll around, shouting, trying to extinguish the flames on their clothes]

Fear of Flying [6.11]

Homer: Hmmm, this looks like a nice, friendly place. (enters bar and sits down at a booth)
Carla Tortelli: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
Sam Malone: Okay, Carla, I'll make you a bet: If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar.
Norm Peterson: Woody, give me a beer.
Woody Boyd: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
Norm Peterson: Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! (breaks bottle) I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
Cliff Clavin: (holds him down) Whoa! Settle down, Normie! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke.
(Homer screams and runs away)
Norm Peterson: I love you guys. (sobs)

Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place.
(looks around, seemingly oblivious to the fact that this is a lesbian bar)
Homer: I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap, ladies.
Woman: What was her problem?

(Shown walking up to a bar called The Little Black Box)
Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up, liver!
(Homer punches his liver)
Homer: Ow! My liver hurts!

Homer: I'd like a beer, please.
Bartender: Sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
Homer: Uh, but I am a pilot.
Bartender: Where's your uniform?
Homer: Um, I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment!
Bartender: Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner.

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
(all of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention)
Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy!
(all of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing)
Airport Worker: You! (points at Homer)
Homer: Me? But I...
Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?
Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.
Airport Worker: (laughs) You flyboys, you crack me up!
(cuts to the cockpit of a plane)
Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!
Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!
(forces Homer into room)

Allen: Hi, I'm Allen, I'm your co-pilot.
Homer: Uh, yeah, um... as a change of pace, I'm going to let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Allen... and, um, I'll just get it started.
(flips a random switch)
Allen: Umm, we'll need that to live.
(Homer flips another switch, causing the plane's landing gear to retract, and fall to the ground.)

Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...
Abe: (still on the plane) (screams with his hands on his face)
Homer: Ehh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Marge: Well, everybody's got a fear of something.
Homer: Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets!
Homer: (screams) Where? Where?! (runs off screaming)

Homer: Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films about air travel can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "Hero," "Fearless," "Alive!"
(at home, Marge watches them)
Man 1: No thanks to the plane, many of us are still...
Everyone: Alive!
Man 2: (through full mouth) We certainly are. (chews)
Man 3: Pass me another hunk of copilot.
Lisa: Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist. Look how tense she is!
Homer: She's fine! (camera shows Marge sitting on air) Oh.

Homer: Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself. Well, what about me, Marge?
Marge: I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet.
Homer: You see? You see? I just left my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet!

Marge: (weeping) My father... was a stewardess!
Dr. Zweig: Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Today, male flight attendants, or "stewards," are common.
Marge: (sniffs) They are?
Dr. Zweig: Yes. Thanks to trailblazers like your father, you might say he was a pioneer.
Marge: Yeah. You might even say he was an American hero.
Dr. Zweig: Let's not go nuts.

Marge: Thank you, doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think "Lowenstein, Lowenstein."
Dr. Zweig: My name is Zweig.
Marge: (going out the door) (whispering) Lowenstein...

Homer: Don't worry about a thing, honey. I'm going to help you through this. (he and Marge sit down) Those are all normal noises. Luggage compartment closing... cross checking... just sit back and relax. (shot from outside the plane) That's just the engine powering up... (engine stutters) that's just the engine struggling... (the plane drives off the runway into a swamp) That's just a carp swimming around your ankles...
(Marge murmurs grumpily)

(The plane is sitting on the ground waiting to take off)
Grampa: Wow! We must really be flying high! Those men look all tiny and blurry... just like the inside of a cataract!

Executive: If word gets out about this, Crazy Clown airlines will be a laughing stock.

Psychiatrist: Don't worry. This is a private sanctuary, where whatever transpires will be just between us.
Marge: Wha-?
(Homer appears on a makeshift platform cleaning the windows)
Psychiatrist: Oh, that's just Murray, the window washer. He comes every day at twelve o'clock.
Marge: But it's a few seconds before twelve o'clock.
(Murray comes from above and knocks Homer down. You can hear him screaming as he falls)

Homer the Great [6.12]

Stern Plumbing Lecture Man: Well, I can fix her, but I won't get the parts I need for two, three weeks. And that's if I order them today. Which I won't.
Marge: What should I do until you get back? It's filling up real fast, and I think the cat's down there! [cat swims by]
Stern Plumbing Lecture Man: Put a pan down there.
[Homer does, the pan drifts away]
Homer: It didn't work!

Homer: Hey, you guys wanna go bowling tonight?
Lenny: Nah, we're busy.
Carl: Yeah, we got things to do.
Homer: (suspiciously) Like what?
Lenny: ...It's a secret.
[Homer looks at Carl who glares at Lenny, but says nothing as he's drinking a soda. So, instead, Homer responds for him...]
Homer: Shut up!

Homer: Stonecutters, eh? How do I join?
Lenny: There are only two ways to gain membership: be the son of a Stonecutter-
Homer: Next.
Lenny: -or save the life of a Stonecutter.
[Homer quickly snatches Lenny's sandwich then stomps it before he can take a bite.]
Homer: There! I saved your life! That egg sandwich could have killed you - by cholesterol.
Lenny: Sheesh - forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it yet has not been proven they conclusively actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
Homer: So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Lenny: No, you got it all wrong, Homer! It's not like that!
[Lenny does a hand signal to a man in a eggsuit who runs off down the hallway.]
Homer: YOU BETTER RUN, EGG!

Number One: You are the chosen one whom the prophecy said would lead us to glory. Now to the top of Mt. Springfield for the coronation! Remove the Stone of Shame!
Homer: Whoo-hoo!
Number one: Attach the Stone of Triumph!
(an even bigger stone is put round Homer's neck; Homer groans)

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

[Stonecutter's Song]

Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do, we do!
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Mars under wraps?
We do, we do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do!
Who robs game fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!

And Maggie Makes Three [6.13]

[Homer quits the power plant, grabbing Mr. Burns and playing his bald head like a bongo drum.]
Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

[Homer polishes his head in the ball-waxer]
Al: Homer, did you polish your head in the Shine-O Ball-O?
Homer: No.
Al: All right, then.
[Al fixes his hair looking into the shine on Homer's head]

Chief Wiggum: Hey, I just heard about it over the squawk box. That's some nice work, Simpson.
Homer: Yes, it is nice work.
Apu: Oh, Homer. I just heard about the little bundle of joy.
Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
Moe: Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant!
Homer: This is becoming very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley!

Maude Flanders: Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job... MARGE IS PREGANT?! NOOOOOOOOOO!
[He yanks out the hairs on his head, and runs upstairs to his room, shrieking)

Bart: Wow, Dad. You really threw a tantrum like a little, sissy girl?
Homer: Oh, just that one time.
Marge: Actually, when I told him about Bart...
[in flashback]
F. Homer: You're pregnant?!
[screams, rips out most of his hair and runs upstairs, shrieking; back to present]
Marge: And then when I told him about Lisa...
[in flashback]
F. Homer: You're pregnant again?!
[screams, rips out all of his hair and runs upstairs, shrieking]

Homer: Yeah, a raise. I've never been good enough at any job to deserve one before, but I'm damn good at this one. That's it! I'm gonna march right up to Al and say... (Cut to the Bowling Alley) Steve... I mean, Al! I think I deserve a raise.

Homer: [With a shotgun outside of the bowling alley, firing wildly into the air.] BOWLING! COME BOWL NOW! BOWLING! WHO WANTS SOME?!? BOWLING!
[back to the present]
Lisa: Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge: That's what really happened.
Lisa: Oh.

At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.
Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.
Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

Homer: Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque.
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.
[Smithers screws the plaque to the wall.]
Mr. Burns: (reading) "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."

Homer: It's a boy! (looking down) And what a boy!
Doctor Hibbert: Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Bart's Comet [6.14]

Principal Skinner: [picking something up] Hmm... blueprints of the dummy... notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner, "Buttzilla."


(After Principal Skinner catches his "Hello, I'm Big Butt Skinner" balloon)
Principal Skinner Ah, got you, my rumpy Doppleganger! (walks over to Bart) I got it! (sees Bart on Skinner's cell phone) Wait, what are you doing? Give me that phone!
(puts it to his ear)
Woman on the Other Line: Congratulations, Bart, you just discovered a comet.
Principal Skinner: NOOOOO!
[He inadvertently lets go of the "Big Butt Skinner" balloon, sending it flying away]
Principal Skinner: NOOOOOOOO!
[a paper boy rides by on a bicycle and throws a copy of "The Springfield Shopper" on the ground. The headline reads: "Prez Sez: School is For Losers!"]
Principal Skinner: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Homer: It's times like this I wish I was a religious man.
Reverend Lovejoy: It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!

Kent Brockman: I have said it once and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot report. That doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay...

Kent Brockman: And like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism leaving us with only (looks at his watch) six hours to live. (Clock that says HOURS TO LIVE 06:03:00 appears) Now let's go live at the charred remains of the only bridge out of town with Arnie Pie and Arnie in the sky.
Arnie: With the bridge gone and the airport unfortunately on the other side of the bridge, a number of citizens are attending to make the jump with their cars. It's a silent testament to the "never give up and never think things out" spirit of our citizens.

Homie the Clown [6.15]

[Lisa and Bart watch as Krusty does his "Loop-de-Loop Bike Eating" trick]
Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away!
Bart: He can take a simple, every day thing like eating a bicycle, and make it funny.

Krusty: Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette. Unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred dollar bill!

[Krusty is walking down a hall with some of his "posse" handing them wads of cash and making demands]
Krusty: Put $5000 on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G to play for me in the elevator. My house is dirty, buy me a clean one.

(Commercial for "Lady Krusty" Line)
Johnny Unitas: So, what do you think of the 'Lady Krusty Moustache Removal' system now, Angelique?
Angelique: It's "Krusterific," Johnny Unitas! But is my upper-lip supposed to bleed like this?
Johnny Unitas: Probably.

Homer: Well, I got everything I was supposed to get. I'm not gonna enroll in that Clown College, though; that advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.
[Imagines himself dreaming of eating a large sandwich; but that thought is pushed aside by a Clown College billboard. The clowns start dancing and...]
Lenny: Hey, Homer! The section you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire!
[Homer stares blankly at Lenny, and sees him as a dancing clown. More "clowns" appear in the shape of Charlie and some other plant workers, all of whom are ablaze]
Homer: (chuckles) Clowns are funny.

[Homer is shaping his food into a Big-Top, when he looks up and sees his family as Krusty clones, miming and waving Clown College billboards at him]
Homer: (in a rather low voice) Marge...
Marge: Yes, Homey? (starts humming some circus music)
Homer: (stands) That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to Clown College!
[With that, Homer and walks away]
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Krusty: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!
[Krusty throws a pie into the dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]
Homer: [taking notes] Kill wealthy dowager.

[After the Harlem Globetrotters game...]
Krusty: That game was fixed! They were using a freaking ladder, for God's sake!

Krusty: Look, I'm all cleaned out, just take the Clown College.
Fat Tony: We have already taken it.
[Scene flashes to Clown College, where a member of the Mafia is teaching a group of Krustys]
Man: Kids carry a lot of money these days. So after you've performed, you might consider robbing them.

Bart vs. Australia [6.16]

Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern Hemisphere.

Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe?
[She tears wrapping paper off a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it]
Lisa: See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up of everything below the equ... (looks at Bart, who is staring blankly) ...this line.
Bart: So, say, in Argentina, and Rand McNally, all their water goes backwards?
Lisa: Uh-huh. (rolling her eyes) In fact, in Rand McNally, men wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Bart: Cool!

Bart: I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.
[He calls another number and reaches a phone in Argentina as an elderly Hitler is heading for his car]
Adolf Hitler: Eine Minuten, eine Minuten! [the phone stops ringing before he unlocks the door] Ach! Das Wagen-phone ist ein... Nuisancephone!
Man: (gives Hitler salute as he rides by on a bicycle) Buenas noches, mein Führer!
Hitler: Ja, ja.

Aide: Please to repeat again and I will translating for the el Presidente.
Bart: [slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
Aide: [in Spanish] He says the tide is turning!
Presidente: [in Spanish] Ay, caramba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! [dives out window]


Bart: (talking on the phone with the Australian father) Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.


Homer: (looking at globe) There it is! Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. (points at Uruguay, laughs) Look at this country! "U-R-Gay"


(Leaving the embassy, the Simpsons pass a sign saying, "Welcome to Australia")
Bart: Hey, GI Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Marine: Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir!
Homer: Hey, look, boy. (starts jumping over the line) Now I'm in Australia. Now I'm in America. Australia! America!
Bart: We get it, Dad.
Homer:Australia! America! Australia! America!
(the Marine punches Homer in the face)
Marine: In America, we do not tolerate that kind of crap, sir!

Bartender: What'll be?
Homer: Give me one of famous giant beers I heard so much about.
(the Bartender puts a can of Foster's the size of a Keg on the table. Homer looks disappointed.)
Bartender: Something wrong, Yank?
Homer: (disappointed) No. It's pretty big, I guess...

Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, I said coffee.
Bartender: Beer.
Marge: Cof-fee.
Bartender: Be-er.
Marge: C-O...
Bartender: B-E...

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife!
Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions!

(He points to a flag of Australia, showing the Union Jack, a boot, a yellow, naked butt, and five stars around it)

Homer: When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! Because, as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".


Marge: We have those in America; we call them bull frogs.
Australian Teen: "Bull frogs?" That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazwuzzers."

[after Bart moons the Australian Government, with "Don't tread on me" written on his behind]
Marge: Bart, I really appreciate your patriotism, but I wish you would have done something a little more tasteful.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt!

Homer: Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier?
Helicopter pilot: No, sir. The closest vessel is the USS Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way.

Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17]

Stockbroker: Homer, you knuckle-beak! I told you a hundred times to sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween! Before!
Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one!

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope!

Homer: [At Patty and Selma's doorstep] You're my last, last chance; bottom-of-the-barrel, Hail-Mary, long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won't final resort to lend me money.
Selma: We'll take care of you.
Patty: Yes... "care."
[Patty and Selma begin to snicker together. Homer, unaware of their sarcasm, joins in and soon bursts into hysterical laughter]
Patty: Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!

Homer [Driving a limo with Mel Brooks as a passenger] Wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks! Hey, Mel, I loved that movie Young Frankenstein! Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks Umm... thanks.

Mel Brooks: (to Chief Wiggum) Um, officer, this man is making me edgy. Would you mind giving me a ride to the airport?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, you're Mel Brooks! Sure, I'll give you a ride!
Mel Brooks: Thanks! (He gets out of the limo.)
Chief Wiggum: Hey, on the way, we can do that "Two Thousand Dollar Man" thing!
Mel Brooks: (sigh)
Chief Wiggum: You be that Carl Reiner guy, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum!
Mel Brooks: Tell you what; why don't you be Carl Reiner, and I'll be Police Chief Wiggum. I hate Carl Reiner!

A Star is Burns [6.18]

[Two women are watching Barney's film about his alcoholism.]
Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender, he has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!

[In Barney's film...]
Barney: My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Camera pulls out to reveal that Barney is surrounded by little girls in scout uniforms, one of whom is Lisa.]
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

[The audience boos Burns' film]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: No, they're saying... "Boo-urns. Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: Are you saying Boo... or Boo-urns?
[The audience boos louder]
Moleman: I was saying Boo-urns.

Jay: There are better things in life seeing someone get hit in the groin by a football.
[Gets hit in the groin with a football]
Nelson: [in the distance] Ha-ha!

Rainier Wolfcastle: My new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly...
[Cut to McBain standing in front of a brick wall.]
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? (pauses) That's the joke.
Man: (from audience) You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience.]
McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
Man: (from audience) Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it into the crowd.]
Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
Jay Sherman: How do you sleep at night?
Rainier Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money, with many many beautiful ladies.
Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!

Barney: Next, they're gonna show my movie.
Bart: You made a movie?
Barney: I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.
(Barney holds up a copy of Entertainment Weekly featuring a black and white picture of himself holding a rose on the cover)

Announcer on TV: Coming up next, The Jetsons Meet the Flinstones.
Bart: Uh-oh, I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.
[Homer comes in with Jay Sherman, from The Critic.]
Homer: Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the film critic.
Bart (cheerily): Hey man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it. (shudders, to himself): I suddenly feel so dirty!

Lisa's Wedding [6.19]

[Hugh and Lisa, after arguing, suddenly kiss passionately. Two librarians look on.]
Librarian #1: First they hate each other, now all of a sudden, they love each other! It doesn't make any sense to me!
Librarian #2: Of course not. You're a robot.
[A tear goes down the first librarian's face, which short-circuits, catches fire and melts.]

Lisa: [looking at portrait of a man in medieval-style clothing] From his clothes, I'd guess late 17th century?
Hugh's Mother: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred.
(cut to Uncle Eldred, a deranged man fishing from a goldfish bowl)
Uncle Eldred: I get me brain medicine from the National Health!

Wiggum: Behold, the two-headed dog, born with only one head! And behold, out of the mists of time, the legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit, and the body... of a rabbit.

Marge: Remember, in England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Lisa: I remember you. Mayor Quimby, right?.
Quimby: Uh, no. Check my license. It's Mohammed Jafar.
Otto: (on a monitor) Hey, Quimby, when you're done with this fare, haul your indicted ass down to the convention center!
Quimby: [bitterly, under his breath] I cut the ribbon at that convention center.

Homer: [planning Lisa's wedding] We can have the reception at Moe's... wait, why not have the whole wedding there? We could do it on a Monday morning! There'll be fewer drunks.
Marge: Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order barring you from helping to plan this wedding.
Homer: [unoffended, looks over it in a businesslike manner] Well, this all appears to be in order. I'll be in the hammock.

Bart: I met this exotic dancer last night at Hugh's bachelor party.
Lisa: Hugh didn't have a bachelor party.
Bart: We had one in his honor.
[Lisa looks at Bart as though unconvinced]
Bart: I had one in his honor.
[Lisa looks at Bart as though unconvinced]
Bart: ...I went to a strip club.

Marge: If only your father were still with us... But he left for work ten minutes ago.

Homer: I've got to call everyone and tell them the good news! [picks up the receiver, but gets a busy signal] What the... ? Maggie, I need to use the phone! [upstairs, Maggie rolls her eyes and hangs up] Doesn't that girl ever shut up?

Lisa: Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean... Milhouse.
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn't count. (Both laugh)

Moe: Oh, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.
Hugh: Yeah, well, we saved your arse in World War III.
Moe: (conciliatory) That's true.

Hugh: Well... here goes nothing. Mum, Dad, meet... Homer Simpson.
[Homer and Hugh's parents shake hands.]
Homer, Mr. & Mrs. Parkfield: Hello, pleased to meet you, how you doin'?, etc.
[Awkward silence.]
Homer: You know what's great about you English? "Octopussy!" Man, I must have seen that movie... twice!
Hugh: Yes. Yes! Well, that's not too bad!

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20]

Lisa: What's Santa's Little Helper doin' to that dog?
Marge: Uh-oh...
Bart: Looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. (shouting) Go on, boy! You can do it!
[Marge quickly covers Bart and Lisa's eyes.]
Track announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. This is the end of dog racing.
Everyone: Boo!
Marge: I think they're in love.
Everyone: Aw...
Homer: Aw, so that's what has been wrong with the little fella: he misses casual sex!

Bart: Come on boy, let's go play. [Santa's Little Helper looks at Bart then falls asleep] Ohh, this stinks. Santa's Little Helper has been no fun at all, ever since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever use that word again!
Bart: Well that's what she is! I looked it up!
Marge: I'm gonna check that with the dictionary company.

Marge: Ugh! This house stinks! You aren't just placing new newspaper over the old ones, are you?
Homer: Do you have a better solution?!

Mr. Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
[Burns hands her a mobile phone]
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
[Lisa begins to dial 911...]
Mr. Burns: [snatches it back] Give me that!

["See My Vest"]
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr Burns: Yes, but not completely full. For, you see... [singing, with the tune of Be Our Guest]
Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food.
The only thing I'm hunting for
Is an outfit that looks gooood!...
See... my... vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla's chest!
See this sweater?
There's none better
Than authentic Irish Setter!
See this hat?
T'was my cat!
My evening wear: vampire bat!
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino!
Grizzly bear underwear!
Turtle's necks - I've got my share!
Beret of poodle;
On my noodle
It shall rest!
Try my red robin suit!
It comes one breast or two!
See my vest, see my vest, see my vest!
Like... my... loafers?
Former gophers!
(It was that, or skin my chauffers),
But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best!
So let's prepare these dogs...
Mrs. Pots: Kill two for matching clogs!
Mr Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see my veeeest! [to Smithers] I really like the vest!
Smithers: I gathered, yeah.
Lisa: [horrified] He's going to make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
[Bart hums "See My Vest"]
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry. You gotta admit, it's catchy.

(Marge walks down the basement stairs and sees a shadow that looks as if Homer committed suicide by hanging)
Marge: Homer, for the love of God, NO!
(cut to reveal that Homer is grabbing onto a support beam in the basement with one hand while batting a lightbulb with the other)
Homer: Marge, you know that batting this lightbulb is the only thing that cheers me up after giving away those million-dollar greyhounds. [Hits it]
[The lightbulb swings about, hits his head and breaks]
Homer: D'oh! AAAAAAAAAAAH! [thud]

The PTA Disbands! [6.21]

Leopold: Alright you little freaks! The fun stops here. You are gonna shut your stinkin' yaps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with!
All Kids: (Gulp)
Leopold: Marge Simpson! (she walks in)
Bart: (Gulp)
Marge: Hey Bart, over here! (Bart tries to hide under his desk)

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.
Principal Skinner: She did?
Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Bart: Ouch! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of... [reads the carton] "Malk"? (carton reads "Malk: Now with Vitamin R")

[At the dinner table...]
Homer: So, how was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrifying!
Lisa: Pointless!
Marge: Exhausting! It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.
Homer: Oh Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to pawn off our kids on us!
Lisa: But, Dad, by striking they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive.
Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

[Moe is calling attendance as a substitute teacher.]
Moe: Ahem, Anita Bath?
[The children laugh]
Moe All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
[The children laugh]
Moe: All right, fine, fine. Mya Buttreeks.
[The children laugh]
Moe: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh! I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well children, I can't help that! [runs out crying]
Bart: Ah...
[Bart crosses Moe's name off list of substitute teachers.]
Milhouse: Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.
Bart: In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

Marge: [looking out the window] There's something about flying a kite at night that is so unwholesome.
Bart: [creepily] Hello, Mother dear...

Edna Krabappel: I don't care what you say, I can taste the newspaper!
Principal Skinner: Posh. Shredded newspapers add much needed roughage and essential inks. Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats.
Lunchlady Doris: [shoving a gym mat into a meat grinder] There's very little meat in these gym mats.

(Edna and Skinner are arguing over the substandard text books.)
Skinner: Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later

[Edna and Skinner are arguing in the cafeteria.]
Edna: By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures.
Skinner: [stands up] Oh, come on, Edna. We both know these children have no future!
[The children stare at Skinner in stunned silence.]
Skinner: Prove me wrong, kids! Prove me wrong!

Lisa: Relax? Relax?! I can't relax!! Nor can I yield, relent or... [pauses] ... only two synonyms? Oh my god, I'm losing my perspicacity!
[Runs away from the table screaming]
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Lisa: [Jumping up and down to get Marge's attention] Look at me! Grade me! Evaluate and rank me! I'm good, good, good and oh so smart! [drops to her knees] Grade meeeeee!!

Jasper: Talking out of turn, that's a paddling. Looking out the window, that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals, that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe, oh, you better believe that's a paddling.

Homer: ...This perpetual motion machine she [Lisa] built is a joke!
[Holds up a rotating machine with a light bulb that progressively goes faster and shines brighter as Homer speaks]
Homer: It just keeps going faster and faster.

Homer:Lisa! Get in here! [Lisa peeks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Scared Man: Oh my God! The PTA has disbanded!!!
[He screams and throws himself out of a window.]
Flanders: No! No! The PTA has not disbanded!
[The man screams in reverse, jumps back through the hole, dusts himself off and resumes his seat.]

Lisa: At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

[Orchestra class is struggling to play My Country 'Tis of Thee when Mr. Largo leaves the room.]
Database: Hey, now that Largo's gone, we, we can play the forbidden music!
[Everyone begins to play a bouncy, professional rendition of Pop Goes the Weasel]
Largo: [pops his head in the room] I heard that!
[Largo closes the door and everyone plays the rest of Pop Goes the Weasel]

[Professor Frink is teaching Brownian Motion to the kindergardeners with a corn popper.]
Prof. Frink: *Ahem* And so the contraction and expansion of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation - you can see it there - of the neighboring particles!
[A little Girl raises her hand.]
Prof. Frink: Yes, what is it? What? What is it?
Little Girl: Can I play with it?
Prof. Frink: No, you can't play with it. You wouldn't enjoy it on as many levels as I do! The colors, children! Look at the colors! [laughs]

Bank accountant: I don't have your money here, it's in Bill's house and Fred's house.
Moe: What the hell you doing with my money in your house, Fred?
[everyone starts beating each other up]

'Round Springfield [6.22]

[Homer and Marge watch Bart's appendectomy from the balcony of the operating room. Homer has a giant foam finger.]
Homer: Man, these are primo seats! I sure could go for a hot dog!
Marge: Homer, this is an operation!
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

(Lisa is visiting "Bleeding Gums" Murphy)

"Bleeding Gums" Murphy: Is he going to be okay?
Bart: Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds. I'm a little behind.
Lisa: He'll be fine.

Bart: Hey Lis, you still upset about that jazz guy? Well, I believe that when you die, you can come back as whatever you like. I'll be a butterfly.
Lisa: How come?
Bart: 'Cause... nobody ever suspects the butterfly!
(The view changes to Springfield Elementary School burned to rubble)
Principal Skinner: I didn't burn down the school! It was the butterfly I tell you! The butterfly!
Chief Wiggum: He's crazy boys, get the taser.
Bart: [as a butterfly, holding a can of gas] Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Krusty: Hey kids, it's story time! [laughs] I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit. His sexual harassment suit! [begins to laugh, groans] ...oh boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court-ordered sidekick, Ms. No-Means-No! Whoa! You're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show!
[Ms. No Means No blows her whistle and brandishes her 'No' sign at Krusty.]
Krusty: But I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel?
Mel: We've never spoken outside of work.
Bart: [watching on TV] I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction.
Krusty: [Back on the show] It wasn't my fault! It was the Percodan! If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor... [reads card] ...Percodan?! Ahh crap!

[Krusty holds a press conference]
Krusty: And I maintain that those tourist were decapitated *before* they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question.
Reporter: What about that little boy who got appendecitis from eating your cereal?
[Camera pans over to Bart, who stands with Lionel Hutz.]
Krusty: To prove that this metal O is harmless, I will personally eat one! (He does.) See, there's...(suddenly writhing in pain) Owwww! Oooh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides!
Sideshow Mel: Um, Krusty. That wasn't a metal one. That was a regular Krusty-O.
Krusty: (weakly) It's poison!

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tounge depressors off the floor.]
Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?
Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]
Groundskeeper Willie Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

[Bleeding Gums is having a flashback on how he got his saxophone.]
Blind Willie: I've been playing jazz for thirty years and I just can't make a go of it. I want you to have my saxophone.
Bleeding Gums: This isn't a saxophone! It's an umbrella.
Blind Willie: So I've been playing an umbrella for thirty years. Why didn't anybody tell me!
Bleeding Gums: Heh! We all thought it was funny!
Blind Willie: That's not funny.

Cliff Huxtable: Hey kids! Meet Grampa Murphy!
Rudy: But we have three Grampas already!
Cliff: This one's a great jazz musician!
Rudy: Oh, they all are!
Cliff: Oh, oh! You see, the kids, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and the hoppin', and the bippin' and the boppin, so they don't know what the jazz... is all about! You see, jazz is like a Jell-O Pudding Pop. No! Actually, it's more like Kodak film. No! Actually, jazz is like the New Coke, it'll be around forever. [chuckles]

[At Bleeding Gums's funeral...]
Rev. Lovejoy: We are gathered together to bid farewell to "Blood and Guts" Murphy.
Lisa: No, it was "Bleeding Gums" Murphy!
Rev. Lovejoy: Ew. Anyway, "Bloody Gums" Murphy was quite the sousaphone player...
Lisa: Saxophone! He was a jazz musician! You didn't know him! Nobody knew him, but he was a great man! And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name of "Bleeding Gums" Murphy!
Homer: And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog!
Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery!
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Marge: What do you do? Follow my husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college!


[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]
Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor Bleeding Gums's memory!
Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so?
[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

[Lisa sees Bleeding Gum's face form in clouds, à la The Lion King.]
Bleeding Gums: You've made an old jazzman happy Lisa.
Mufasa: You must avenge my death Kimba- uh, I mean Simba.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
James Earl Jones: This is CNN.
Bleeding Gums: Will you guys pipe down?! I'm saying goodbye to Lisa!
Mufasa, Vader and Jones: We're, sorry.

Homer: Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love.
[Homer pulls up his shirt sleeve]
Homer: Starland Vocal Band?! They suck!

[Over the end credits, Lisa and Bleeding Gums play Carole King's "Jazzman." When it's over...]
Lisa: One more time!
Bleeding Gums: Aw, come on, Lisa! I got a date with Billie Holiday!

The Springfield Connection [6.23]

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman... and I have no interest in that; besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Homer: When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie... "Spaceballs." But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie "Police Academy."

(Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians)

Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby, the blind guy...

(Marge has just arrested Homer for illegal parking and taking her hat)

Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right... WAAAAAAAAAAA!

Lemon of Troy [6.24]

Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!
Shelby's Dad: "Bust in here and take it"? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!

Bart: Hey, quit sayin' bad stuff about my town, man!
Shelby: Why don't you make me?
Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.
Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: Takes one to know one!

Bart: And now I'm going to Shelbyville to teach some kids a lesson.
Marge: I choose to take that literally!
Homer: Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on!

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25]

Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded," I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?!

Homer: Here's your package, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer's brain: Oh, I've worked here for ten years and my boss doesn't even know my name. Well that's gonna change right now!
Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp--
[Burns pushes a red button; a 1000g (therefore tiny) weight falls on Homer's head.]
Homer: Ow! -- son.
Mr. Burns: [inspecting the weight] Hmm, sounded large when I ordered it. [sighs] I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps.

[Burns and Smithers walk past Homer, Lenny, Carl and Guillermo]
Mr. Burns: Hello, Lenny... Carl... Guillermo. Hello, um, uh, er... [Homer waves his nametag back and forth] Ooh, uh...
[The door opens; they leave]
Lenny: Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwing up people's names.
Guillermo: Yeah. At that picnic, he thought my son Renaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?!

Smithers: [over intercom] Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
Skinner: That's odd. I don't have a secretary... or an intercom! But send him in.
[Burns enters, dressed like Jimbo Jones]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy, there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? Well, me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.
Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: [cursing] Buh!
Skinner: It was naive of you think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.
Mr. Burns: Whatever. I want that oil well! I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company, and the water works, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue!
Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic. This school's oil well is not for sale, particularly to a blackhearted scoundrel like yourself.
Mr. Burns: I see. Then I'll just have to ATTACK YOU! [flails like a sissy at the unflinching Skinner] I must have that oil! [panting] Smithers... Smithers, help me subdue... this beast!...
Smithers: [walks in with a stapler] Sorry sir, this was all I could find. [harmlessly "fires" staples at Skinner] Take that, and that!
Skinner: Please don't waste those.

[Burns watches the work on the oil well through binoculars]
Mr. Burns: That's it. Fumble about with your widgets and do-bobs. It will all be a monument to futility when my plan comes to fruition!
[looks at his own drilling site: "Burns Construction Co. Building a better tomorrow...for him"]
Smithers: Sir... [sighs] What I am about to say violates every sycophantic urge in my body, but I wish you would reconsider. This isn't a rival company your battling with: it's a school! People won't stand for it!
Mr. Burns: Pish-posh! It'll be like taking candy from a baby. [sees a baby with some candy through the binoculars] Say, that sounds like a larf. Let's try it right now!
Smithers: Er, um, there's some candy right here, sir. [points to a box] Why don't we eat this instead of stealing?
Mr. Burns: Oh, very well.
[They open it and start eating; a photo of the Simpsons family is slowly uncovered]
Smithers: Now look, there's a photo in here.
Mr. Burns: Ah yes, I believe that's little Maggie Simpson, the baby who found my precious teddy bear Bobo... Oh, and that Simpson mutt, my former guard dog. Oh and um, that's uh, Bart Simpson. He was my heir for a brief period, you know.
Smithers: Yes, sir, I remember...
[They both look ill]
Mr. Burns: Anything left?
Smithers: Uh, only the sour quince log, sir.
[The log covers Homer's face]
Mr. Burns: Ew! Dispose of it! And, uh, send a thank-you note to Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson.

Skinner: I'm afraid we've got no legal recourse against Mr. Burns and his slant-drilling operation. The oil belongs to whoever pumped it first.
Groundskeeper Willie: What about all the expensive stuff we wanted? Can we still have it?
Skinner: No.
Groundskeeper Willie: [tears his shirt open in sorrow] Blast it!!!
Skinner: In fact, to pay for the construction, operation and demolition of our new derrick, the school will have to eliminate all nonessential programs: music...
[This makes Tito Puente punch through his bongos in anger]
Skinner: ... and maintenance.
Groundskeeper Willie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! I'LL KILL THAT MR. BURNS!!!!! And, er, wound that Mr. Smithers! OUTTA MY WAY!!! [storms out]

Lisa: [on phone] Oh no, that's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash too! [hangs up] Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa: [reading it] "Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks closely at the card, then lowers it slowly. Absolute fury is in his eyes.]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run out]
Homer: [standing up] F--
[A church organ plays a chord, blotting out his voice; birds fly away; everyone stops]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

[At Moe's Tavern (fumes from the construction of Mr. Burns' machine have flooded the place):]
Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?!
[A man at the end of the bar slumps to the floor.]
Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya!
[Two scientists walk into Moe's Tavern, wearing gas-masks and protective suits.]
Male Scientist: Man alive, there are, uh... men alive in here!
Female Scientist: [holding a beeping detector] I'm detecting over twenty different toxins in the air.
[Barney belches and the detector beeps faster.]
Male Scientist: All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed!
Moe: Damned Burns! Let me just get one thing. [pulls his shotgun from behind the bar]
Barney: Me too. [pulls a small gun from his side] Ah, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem!

Smithers: [less than pleased] Well, sir, you've certainly vanquished all your enemies: the Elementary School, the local tavern, the old-age home... you must be very proud.
Mr. Burns: [stuffing money into his wallet] No, not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy... the sun.
[He throws a switch; a control panel appears at his desk. He then presses a button on it, and the floor slides off a scale model of Springfield.]
Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!
[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight.]
Smithers: [horrified] Good God!
Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long!
Smithers: [with newfound courage] But sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting! The town's sundial will be useless! I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.
Mr. Burns: [stern] I will not suffer your insubordination. There has been a shocking decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Smithers. And you will fall into line! NOW!
Smithers: [pained] No... no, Monty, I won't. Not until you step away from the brink of insanity.
Mr. Burns: I'll do no such thing! YOU'RE FIRED!
[Smithers walks out, showing both rage and sorrow. Burns laughs maniacally and stomps through the Springfield model like a giant monster.]
Mr. Burns: Take that, Bowlorama! Take that, covenience mart! Take that, nuclear power pl-- Oh, fiddlesticks.

Marge: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate. Selfish, even.

[Inside Burns' darkened office, spray-painting sounds accompany Homer's chuckling. Suddenly, Burns turns on the light, revealing that Homer has almost finished spray-painting "I AM HOMER SIMPSON" on the wall.]
Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?
[Homer finally snaps. He grabs Burns and shakes him.]
Homer: Homer Simpson!
Mr. Burns: What?
Homer: HOMER SIMPSON!
Mr. Burns: What are you talking about?!
Homer: HOMER--
Mr. Burns: You're not making sense, man!
Homer: SHUT UP! HOMER SIMPSON!
Mr. Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying!
Homer: MY NAME IS HOMER SIMPSON!!!
Mr. Burns: You're just babbling incoherently!
Homer: MY NAME IS--
[Three guards rush in, restrain Homer, and drag him away.]
Homer: Oh, you're a dead man, Burns! You're so dead! YOU'RE DEAD, BURNS!!!

[Grandpa has come to live with his family, since the old home has been destroyed by the construction of Burns' machine. Bart helps him unpack.]
Bart: [finding a gun] Wow!
Grandpa: That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded--
Marge: [walking in] Aah! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house! [takes it away]
Grandpa: How can you have a house without a gun?! What if a bear came through that door?!
Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [walks out]
Grandpa: [to Bart] Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

[At the town meeting, where all the people wronged by Burns have gathered to vent their anger.]
Mayor Quimby: All right, settle down, people. We are all upset by Mr. Burns' plan to block out our sun. It is time for decisive action! I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings who, with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it--
Mayor's Bodyguard: (whispering) Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns...
Mayor Quimby: Also, it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
[As Quimby cautiously leaves, people begin to speak up...]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to a friend. [sniff] But then he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
[Flanders puts a blanket over Smithers]
Smithers: Oh, [drinks scotch] it's not that bad. I mean, I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school, and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery!
Grandpa: Because of him, I lost my room, my things, and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines--
Old Man: [to Grandpa, from offscreen] You bastard!
Moe: I lost my bar!
Barney: I lost his bar!
Lisa: He robbed the school of music!
Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge: He's causing us all to yell!
Maggie: [Sucks angrily on her pacifier]
Bart: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Everyone looks at Milhouse]
Milhouse: Wha--?
Bart: No, my dog!
[Everyone sees Santa's Little Helper, wearing a neckring and reduced to using a small wheeled device. They then hear Burns chuckling evilly, and see that he has entered.]
Mr. Burns: Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?
[Santa's Little Helper snarls at him.]
Bart: You twisted old MONSTER!
[Bart rushes at Burns, but Burns pulls back his lapel and shows a gun.]
Mr. Burns: Ah-ah-ah. I've decided to protect myself, ever since I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.
Homer: [offscreen] D'oh!
[Burns' enemies close in on him]
Sea Captain McAllister: Arr! Burns, yer scurvy schemes will earn ye a one-way passage to the boneyard!
Ned Flanders: I'd like to hear from Sideshow Mel.
Sideshow Mel: I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of Hell's grim tyrant! [flicks a switchblade]
Otto: Yeah!
Mr. Burns: Oh, you all talk big. But who here has the guts to stop me?
[Silence. No one looks eager.]
Mr. Burns: Hmmm... Very well. One last question: have you ever seen the sun set... at 3pm?
Sea Captain McAllister: Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic--
Mr. Burns: Shut up, you! Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!

[Burns encounters an unseen person.]
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? [pause, then a gasp] I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it! [grunts of a struggle] Get... your... hands... off!...
Marge Simpson: Where is everyone?
[A gunshot is heard. Mr. Burns staggers round a corner, clutching his chest in agony.]
Jimbo: Hey man, are you okay?
Mr. Burns: [weak] Won't... dignify that... with a response...
[He collapses on the town's sundial. The crowd of his enemies gathers around him.]
Selma: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Waitaminute, this isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask! [pulls at face a little] Oh, it is Burns. [chuckles uneasily] His wrinkly skin looks just like a mask...
Marge: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town's a suspect.
[Everyone looks at each other in puzzlement.]
Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you? [points at camera, which pulls back so that he is actually pointing at Wiggum]
Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, you know, it's my job, right?


Season 7

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]

Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge- uno, dos, tres!
[The band starts playing salsa music.]
Singer:
Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him.
So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor
With this vengeful Latin rhythm.
Chorus: Burns!
Singer:
Con un corazón de perro. (translation: With the heart of a dog)
Chorus: Señor Burns!
Singer:
El diablo con dinero. (translation: The Devil with money)
It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you
Please die, and fry in hell
You rotten rich old wretch,
Adios, viejo. (translation: Goodbye, old man)
Wiggum: [clapping] Yeah! OK, OK, I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.
[next interview]
Principal Skinner:[slowly] Hmmmmm. Let me... let me think...
Wiggum: [impatiently] Oh boy.

Principal Skinner: Now, I did go to the meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns, so... I retired to the men's room to apply my camoflague makeup...
[Flashback; Skinner is standing in a men's restroom wearing a lady's mudpack and lipstick]
Principal Skinner: Blast! I took Mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendent Chalmers walks in]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Principal Skinner: [horrified] Superintendent Chalmers!
[Pause]
Superintendent Chalmers: [quiet disgust] Oh, my God...
[They hear the gunshot outside; end flashback]
Chief Wiggum: So, Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Principal Skinner: Oh, yes... but anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

Kent Brockman: How does it feel to be arrested for murder of your boss and mentor?
Smithers: Kent, I feel about as low as Madonna did when she found out she missed "Tailhook."
[laughter]
Kent Brockman: I'm gonna say "ouch" for Madonna!
Krusty: Hey! That's my Madonna gag! That guy stole my gag!
Sideshow Mel: And you stole it from last night's episode of "Pardon My Zinger."
Krusty: Stole, made up, what's the difference?

Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man. That's much worse!
Krusty: About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean! [imitates electrocution sounds]

Chief Wiggum: Wait a minute, if a second old geezer got shot, how come no-one reported it?
[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle; Chief Wiggum knocks on Jasper's door. Jasper opens it.]
Chief Wiggum: Uh, hi. Um, could we take a look at your leg?
[Jasper removes his wodden leg, with the bullet lodged in it.]
Jasper: Yeah, that's real spruce. Do you like it?
Smithers: Thank god. [to Jasper] Sir, I only hope you can forgive me for shooting your wooden leg.
Jasper: You shot who in the what now?

[The police interrogate Groundskeeper Willie, who is dressed in his kilt.]
Willie: I'm tellin' ya! I could nae have shot Burns!
[He uncrosses, then recrosses his legs, a la Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct." All the officers wince in disgust.
Eddie: [cocks his pistol] This is your last warning about that.
Willie: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol! If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers! Look at 'em! I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game!
Willie: Video game?

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No. (buzz, red light) All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! (ding, green light)
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinner with friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (buzz) Sears catalog. (ding) Now, would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (buzz)

Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament, and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament.

Dr. Nick: (enters Mr. Burns's room) Hi everybody!
Mr. Burns: (in the same tone that people normally say 'Hi, Dr. Nick!) Ho- merSimp-son!
Dr. Nick: Okay, that was a little strange.

[Mr Burns can only say "Homer Simpson".]
Dr. Nick: Hmmm... that seems to be all that you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain being damaged?

[Chief Wiggum dreams he is in a room and he is about to eat a donut. Lisa staggers in, a la Twin Peaks.]
Lisa: (detatched, dreamy) Chief... Wiggum... don't eat... the clues...
[Wiggum looks at the donut he was about to eat. It has turned into a flaming card. Lisa holds another flaming card of a different suit.]
Lisa: This suit burns... better... look...
Wiggum: Huh?
Lisa: Better.. look... burns... suit...
Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: (more forcefully) Burns's suit! Burns's suit!
Wiggum: [a beat] What?
Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Yeesh!
[Wiggum wakes up.]
Eddie: I had an idea, Chief. Why don't we check out that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot?
Wiggum: Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
Eddie: ...I'll drive.

[Chief Wiggum and SWAT team members break into the Simpsons' house.]
Lisa: Hey! Chief Wiggum, what are you doing? What's going on?
Wiggum: I'm sorry, kid, we got Simpson DNA on Burns's clothing and your father was identified by the old man himself.
Everyone: [gasps]
Bart: [scoffing] DNA, positive ID? Those won't hold up in any court - RUN, DAD!

Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D'oh!
Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh".

Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's DNA...
Lisa: They have Simpson DNA! It could have come from any of us. Except you, since you're a Bouvier.
Marge: No! No, no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.
Lisa: [giving up] OK, Mom.

Apu: [leading the mob to the hospital] Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have more than 51% of the carcass.

Homer: [to Mr. Burns, while pointing a gun to Mr. Burns' head] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you! [realizes what he's doing] ...before.
Mr. Burns: Shot? Hah! By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was... (looks through the crowd, spots Maggie and points his finger) Ah! M-M-Maggie Simpson!

[After Mr Burns recalls the events of his shooting.]
Lisa: And then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, or from your point of view, M and S - Maggie Simpson!
Mr Burns: What? No, with my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.

Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

Radioactive Man [7.02]

[A group of executives discuss casting the role of Radioactive Man in a new film.]
Old Executive: I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
Producer: I keep telling you, he's 73 years old and he's dead.
Old Executive: Granted, but-
Director: Besides, we want to stay as far away from the campy 70s version as possible.
[A clip from the "campy 70s version" plays.]
Fallout Boy: Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scout Master!
Radioactive Man: I see him, Fallout Boy.
Scout Master: Go get 'em, scouts! Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
[Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy beat up all the scouts, accompanied by sound-effects such as "Zap" and "Pow" shown on-screen. Then some girls in midriff tops, short skirts, and go-go boots enter, all the Scouts get up, and everyone starts dancing. Back in the office, the Director shudders at the memory.]

Mayor Quimby: We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests, anything! If there's a species of animal that's causing problems nosing around your camera, we'll have it wiped out!
Director: Look, we just want to make movies, not kill things.
Chief Wiggum: Riiight, we understand... Heh.

Barney: You mean you were one of the original Little Rascals?
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: Which one were you? The ugly one? [long pause] Were you the ugly one?

[The Director holds auditions for the role of Fallout Boy in the Elementary School. Lunchlady Doris reads the role of Radioactive Man.]
Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?
Ralph: What's for lunch tomorrow?
Director: Next!
Ralph: Chicken necks?

Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe, eh Fallout Boy?
Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Director: Brilliant reading! Again!
Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Director: One more time!
Bart: Watch out, Radioactive Man!
Director: Congratulations, Bart Simpson! You're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I would be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short. Next!

Lionel Hutz: Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer... keeper-awayer...

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
Bart: You're right, Lis! I can suck up to him! Like the religious people suck up to God!

[In order to shoot a scene, Milhouse is lying under a crashed van.]
Milhouse: I think I'm laying on a broken bottle.
Director: Beautiful! Use it!

Milhouse: Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they?
Director: Good question! We'll check into that. Okay, X-ray machine to full power, and... action!
[Green rays illuminate Milhouse's head, clearly showcasing his skull.]

[An acting coach attempts to teach Rainier Wolfcastle to speak Radioactive Man's catchphrase.]
Acting coach: Up and atom!
Rainier Wolfcastle: [in heavy German accent] Up and at them!
Acting coach: Up and atom!
Wolfcastle: Up and at them!
Acting coach: Up and atom!
Wolfcastle: Up and at them!
Acting coach: [sighs] Better.

[A prop man is painting black spots onto horses.]
Martin Prince: Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?
Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You got to use horses.
Ralph Wiggum: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
Painter: Usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.

Milhouse: Making movies is so repetitive. I've said Jiminy Jillikers so many times the words have lost all meaning!
Director: We've got to do the Jiminy Jillikers scene again, Milhouse.
Milhouse: [fuming] But we already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It's done!
Director: Yes, but we've got to do it from different angles! Again and again! And again and again and again and again and again!

[On set, Rainier Wolfcastle is caught in a tidal wave of acid.]
Rainier Wolfcastle: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

[After Milhouse runs away, Chief Wiggum releases dogs to track him down.]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, we can all stop worrying now, these dogs never fail.
Kirk: But... will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: Well, they'll... when they find him, they'll... um, um... [mumbles incoherently]
Kirk: Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me, you just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah... yeah, I did kind of trail off, there, didn't I?

[Bart walks up to a man in an abandoned warehouse concentrating intensely on a spirograph.]
Bart: Yo, Dr. S, have you seen Milhouse today?
Dr. S: No.
Bart: Okay, thanks.
Dr. S: Wait! Did you know that there's a direct correlation between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? Think about it.
Bart: I will.
Dr. S: No, you won't.

Editor: Thanks to modern film editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse. Just watch.
[In the film, Radioactive Man is by himself in a cave surrounded by several cavemen]
Rainer: Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
[cut to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy on a green field]
Milhouse: Jiminy Jillikers, Radioactive Man.
[back to the cave]
Rainer: We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
[cut to Fallout Boy on a couch]
Milhouse: Yes.
[cut to Radioactive Man and Milhouse fighting space mutants on the moon]
Editor: Seamless, huh?
Producer: [pauses] You're fired.
Editor: And with good cause.

Executive: Pack up. We're leaving. We only have a thousand dollars anyway.
Quimby: There's a thousand dollar leaving-town tax!

[The Radioactive Man production returns to Hollywood with a large group of well-wishers waiting for them; the Director and the Producer receive warm hugs]
Boutique Owner: We know you don't have any money, but that doesn't matter; just take whatever you need from our boutiques until you get back on your feet.
Producer: [Touched] Thank God we're back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right. [He and the Director hug]

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]

Marge (To Bart and Lisa): Enjoy it now, because when you're grown-up you'll have to take care of yourselves!
(Homer enters, whimpering.)
Homer: Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: (puts her hand on Homer's shoulder) You did the right thing by telling me.
[She leaves the room.]
Marge: (off camera) Shoo! Go on, get outta here!
Homer: (looking on nervously) Ah, that's better.

Mrs Krabapple: Bart, you're messing up your hair.
[She notices a nest of headlice on top of his scalp]
Mrs Krabapple: AH! LICE! How does a boy in this day and age get headlice?
[Flashback: Milhouse shows Bart his new pet monkey which is climbing over Bart's head]
Milhouse: We got the wicker basket from Pier One, and he was just passed out inside*.
[Back to present]
Bart: Hey! How come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse!
[Milhouse is standing next to Bart, shivering and blue-lipped]
Milhouse: So cold... so very, very cold...

*On one rebroadcast of this episode, "Pier One" was changed to "Trader Pete's" due to complaints from Pier One over the insinuation that they sell monkeys in wicker baskets. The reference to Pier One can be heard on the Simpsons season seven DVD set; the Trader Pete reference still appears in the subtitles.


[On the playground, the other girls are playing "keep away" with Lisa's special orthopaedic shoes]
Girls: You have cooties! You have cooties!
Lisa: No, I don't!
Principal Skinner: (over P.A.) Lisa Simpson, report to the Principal's office for headlice inspection!

Principal Skinner: Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten in the Simpson household!

[The social worker looks at Maggie, who is wearing the "I'm a stupid baby" sign Bart originally put on Lisa)
Child-Wellfare Officer #1: STUPID babies need the most attention!

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and-
Homer: The Springfield River!

Ned: [breathless] Reverend... emergency! I - it's the Simpson kids - eedily - I, uh, baptism - oodily - uh - doodily doodily!
Lovejoy: Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
[as he hangs up, his train set crashes]
Lovejoy: (groans) Damn Flanders.

Bart: Wow, Dad. You took a baptisimal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: (peacefully) Oh, Bartholomew. I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: Wait, Homer! What did you just say?
Homer: (rudely) I said, SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!
Ned: Oh, fair enough.

Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]

Reverand Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn... uh... "In the Garden of Eden" by... I. Ron Butterfly.
[organist begins playing In-a-Gadda-da-Vidda by Iron Butterfly]

Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and/or roll.

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this! So repeat after me. If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola.
Ralph Wiggum: [continuing the repeating] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti, strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
[A raven outside crows menacingly.]
Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
Bart: Milhouse!
Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Bart: Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Milhouse: But every religion says you have a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
[Camera pans to Reverend Lovejoy, who's counting the contents of many full collection plates.]
Rev. Lovejoy: I don't hear scrubbing!

Lisa: For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years.
Bart: If you think he got such a great deal, I'll sell you my conscience for four-fifty. (Lisa walks away) I'll throw in my sense of decency too! It's a Bart Sales Event. Everything about me must go!

Lisa: Hmm. Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

[A tractor trailer pulls up outside Moe's with a huge deep fryer.]
Moe: There it is! I bought it used from the Navy. This thing can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds.
Homer: (whining) Forty seconds? But I want it now!

[Moe appears on a television commercial for his new restaurant.]
Moe: Now that's Moe like it! So bring the whole family. Mom, Dad, kids - er, no old people, they're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our guarantee: if I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me: Uncle Moe!

[Homer takes his family off to Moe's new restaurant.]
Marge: [looking at the walls] An alligator with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything.
Moe: Hiya, folks. Welcome to Uncle Moe's. [to the kids] Aw, look at the cute little minors.
Homer: Wow, that's Moe — the guy from the ad!
Moe: Right this way, Homer.
Homer: [gasps] And he knows my name!
Marge: [looking at the restaurant decor] Street signs? Indoors? Ha ha, whatever!

Moe: [hands Snake his cheque without smiling] Here ya go.
Snake: Whoa, dude! You did NOT smile, we eat for free. Come on, Shoshanna, let's roll.

[Stress leads Moe to lose his temper and swear at a customer.]
Flanders: Well! I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here!

Nana Van Houten: A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.

Milhouse: Sorry, Bart. I traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But I got some cool pogs! Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back, in pog form.

Bart: Hello, Ralph.
Ralph: Uh, hi Bart. I know you from school.
Bart: Yes. Ralph, how'd you like to make a dollar?
Ralph: I don't know.
Bart: It's easy. All you have to do is sign a piece of paper that says I can have your soul. (sinister) I need a soul, Ralph! Any soul! YOURS!
[He begins advancing toward a terrified Ralph.]
Chief Wiggum: [shines his flashlight into the car] Hey, what's going on in there?!
[Bart hisses, flashes cat pupils, and runs into a cloud of steam, disappearing into the night.]

[Workers are taking away the family restaurant furniture from Moe's.]
Moe: Yeah, come on. Take it all.
Barney: Ya know Moe, you might wanna keep the fire extinguishers.
Moe: Nah. Too many bad memories.

Barney: Well Moe, at least you still got us.
Moe: (starts to smile): Yeah. Yeah, that actually makes me feel a little better.
Homer: But wasn't that the problem in the first place? That we were your only customers and that you were going broke? (Moe's face drops and he cleans a glass sulkily while looking at the floor) Moe... Moe... Moe? Oh. You're thinking about all the money you lost, huh? (Moe nods sadly, but puts on a brave face) What was it, 50, 60 thousand dollars? (Moe frowns again and looks at the floor) Moe... Moe... Moe?

Bart: You bought my soul back?
Lisa: With the spare change in my piggy bank.
Bart: You don't have any spare change in your piggy bank.
Lisa: Not in any of the ones you know about.

Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh-heh-heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Lisa:: (reading) Come to Homer's BBBQ - The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: What's THAT extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

Miss Hoover: Okay class, time to dissect our worms. (Class cheers)
[Miss Hoover places a worm in a pan before Lisa.]
Miss Hoover: First pin them down so they don't fly up and hit you in the eye.
Ralph: Umm, Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover: Yes Ralph, what is it?
Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it... Can I have another one?
Miss Hoover: No Ralph, there aren't any more... (shaking her head) Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy... Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!

Lisa: They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
Skinner: Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe.
(Class cheers and runs to table loaded with tripe)
Lisa: Stop it, Stop it! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda?
Janie: Hmph, apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.
Uter: Yeah, Lisa's a grade A moron!
Ralph: When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University.

Marge: BART, NO!
Bart: [standing next to her] What?
Marge: Sorry, force of habbit. LISA, NO!

[The BBQ Pig is rolling away on the cart and Homer and Bart are running after it. BBQ Pig goes through some bushes.]
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good! It's still good!
[Pig lands into the river.]
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good! It's still good!
[Pig gets stuck in dam intake but then shoots out the other side, taking flight.]
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good! It's still good!
Bart: It's gone, Dad.
Homer: I know.

Bart: Give it up Dad, Piggy ain't coming back.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: [Wearily] Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: [To Homer] You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: BART! Go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?!
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I'm out of here! [Leaves and slams the door.]
Homer: THAT'S IT, GO TO YOUR ROOM!

(In Apu's garden)
Apu: ...it's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".
Apu: Who cares, who cares? It had a good rythym!

Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]

Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores

[Chief Wiggum shoots a very tall man.]
Chief Wiggum: See, they're not so tough.
Lou: Uh, Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Wiggum: Yes, well, uh... he was turning into a monster.

[The Lard-Lad Donut's mascot appears at the Simpsons' house.]
Homer: Oh, uh, if you're looking for that giant donut of yours, um, I think Flanders has it. Just smash open his house.
[The mascot leaves.]
Homer: (unusually calm) He came to life. Good for him.
[We hear a very loud smashing, followed by huge footsteps. The doorbell rings and Homer answers.]
Flanders: (running in the background) Help me, Lord!
Homer: (to mascot) I told you! Flanders has it... or Moe. Go kill Moe.

[Kang and Kodos are trying to hitch a ride; Lard Lad's giant donut rolls their way]
Kang: Here comes something!
Kodos: Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital.
[The donut just rolls past]
Kodos: Oh, Shazbot.

Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Mrs. Krabappel: Remember class, the worse you do on this standardized test, the more funding the school gets, so don't knock yourselves out. You have two hours before-
Martin: Finished!
Mrs. Krabappel: (groans) Then put your head on your desk and sit quietly!
Martin: Ah, a duet of pleasures...

Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma. A-ha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies.
[Willie morphs out of the blackboard. Martin gasps.]
Willie: "Moris": you die.
[Martin screams and runs off.]
Willie: (laughs) You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?
[Willie's tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him; in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor.]
Nelson: Ha-ha!

Marge: (telling a flashback story) It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were all there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer: (shivering) Oh, lousy Smarch weather!
[Homer sees thermostat and note that says "Do not touch! - Willie"]
Homer: "Do not touch Willie." Good advice! (turns up thermostat all the way)

Kirk Van Houten: I for one would like the school cafeteria to post their menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

Lisa: Do you understand what this means, Bart? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world! (falls asleep)

[Willie rises out of the sandbox and grabs Bart]
Krusty: Egh! Don't dream about me no more, kid! [runs away]

Lisa: I don't know, Bart, something tells me Willie is still out there, and he could come back at any time in any form, and kill us! In ways we can't even imagine!
[A bus pulls up and Wille gets out.]
Willie: Boo! Ha ha... ya ga yaaa! Here I... am... yaaaah!
[Bus drives off.]
Willie: No, wait! I left my gun on the seat! (to Bart, Lisa, and Maggie) Wait here, please.
[Willie runs off after the bus, cursing. His shoe falls off.]

Homer³

Homer: (putting his arm through the portal) That's odd. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Homer's Brain: (as he enters the 3rd dimension) Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!
Homer: Holy macaroni!

Homer: It's a place I've never been before.
Selma: The shower.
Homer: Hey!

Patty: It's like he just disappeared into fat air.
Homer: Hey, shut up!

Homer: I'm so bulgy!

Homer: (Homer looks at fish in the water) Mmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. (Takes a long pause, while clapping his hands and scratching himself.) Better make the most of it. (He belches.)

Rev. Lovejoy: Do you see a light, Homer?
Homer: (from other universe) Yes.
Rev. Lovejoy: Move into the light, my son.
[zapping sounds]
Homer: (from other universe) Yeow!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Homer: Uh, it's like, uh... did anybody see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge: No.
Bart: No.
Patty: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Professor Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, uh, I mean, no.

Frink: It seems that Homer has stumbled into... [lights go out] the third dimension!
[Frink looks at Lisa who is by the light switch]
Lisa: Sorry. [turns lights back on]

Frink: Here is an ordinary square.
Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead!
Frink: But, suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z-axis there. (everyone gasps as he draws a cube) This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube or a Frinkahedron, in honour of its discoverer.

Chief Wiggum: (shooting into the portal) Take that, ya lousy dimension!

Homer: Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.

[Bart is pulled out of the 3rd dimension.]
Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer: (from other universe) Craaaaaaaaaaap!

Homer: (upon entering the real world) Ooh, erotic cakes!

King-Size Homer [7.07]

[Smithers knocks on the men's room door]
Smithers: Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!
[He motions to the goons, who break the door down. The bathroom appears empty, but Smithers looks carefully and points to a stall.]
Smithers: That one.
[The goons kick the door open, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl.]
Homer: Someone's in here! [as the goons drag him out] NO! NOOOOOO! AH! N-, OH, FOR THE LOVE OF-! NOOOOOO!
Smithers: Boy, I never saw anyone so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

Mr. Burns: Raise your left hock! Aerate! Raise your right hock! Aerate! Let's go, I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!

[In Homer's fantasy, he is on his way to a pot of gold labled 300p]
Talking Pig: You can do it, old boy!
Homer: Yes, I can! [stops & eats the Pig's arm]
Talking Pig: Yes, yes! That's the spirit!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi, everybody!
Bart and Homer: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: Now, there are many options for dangerously underweight individuals, like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Homer: Of course.
Dr. Nick: You need to focus on the neglected food groups, such as the Whipped group, the congealed group and the Chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed up the whole thing, Doctor?
Dr. Nick Riviera: Be creative. Instead of eating sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick Riviera: [pats Bart on the head] Heh, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?

Dr. Nick Riviera: And remember, if you're not sure about something, just rub it against a piece of paper. [Rubs a drumstick on a sheet of paper, which subsequently turns clear in the center] If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain! [Looks through paper and waves] Bye bye, everybody!

Homer: [uncertain if a fish sandwich is unhealthy] I don't know. Fish sandwich...are you sure?
[Bart rubs the sandwich on the wall until it turns clear. A bird flies into the newly transparent wall.]

[Maggie hands Homer a donut made of Play-Doh]
Homer: Aw... it looks just like a real donut.
Bart: Dad, it says "non-toxic"!
Homer: [having already eaten it] Oh, well that's a plus! [looks at the scale to see it inch to 300 pounds] Woo-hoo!
Bart: Uh, dad. Towel rack.
[Homer realizes part of his stomach is on the towel rack. After removing it, the scale jumps to over 360 pounds]
Homer: Oh... heh, heh... oh, my...

Arnie: [On radio] Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.
Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk. Honk, honk, punch. Gas, gas, gas.

Homer: Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay home, na na na na na!
Lisa: I like school!
Homer: Well, why don't you live in it then?
Lisa: I would if I could!
Bart: Not me sister, when I grow up I'm gonna be a lardo on workman's comp just like Dad.
[in his fantasy, talking to reporters crowding around his bed]
Bart: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Homer: [Excited] The mail, the mail is here. [Reading] Ooh, an urgent plea from Edward James Olmos. "Lisa Simpson - can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Heh heh heh, kids. Huh? "Free sample of fabric softener" ...woo hoo!

Homer: [after drying his "fat guy" hat using the fabric softener sample] Mmm... I can feel three kinds of softness.

Homer: [reading instructions on starting up the computer] To start, press any key. Where's the "any" key? I see "Esk", "Catarol", and "Pig Up." There doesn't seem to be any "any" key! Phew! Boy, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a "Tab"
[presses the "Tab" key and places a cup near the floppy drive]
Homer: Oh, no time for that now, the computer's starting! [reading] "Check core temperature?" Y-E-S. "Core Temperature normal" Hmm, not too shabby. "Vent Radioactive gas?" N-O. [screen reads, "Venting prevents explosion."] Venting prevents ex-plosh-ee-on. Hmm, this computer stuff is hard. Where's my Tab? Fine, vent the stupid gas.
[Shot of the gas tank, then follow along a pipe. It comes out in a corn field, where gas comes out of a scarecrow's hat and destroys most of the field]
Farmer: Oh, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have ma legs broke!

Lisa: Mom, aren't you going to step in and stop this?
Marge: Usually, your father's crackpot schemes fail once he sees something good on TV. But this season...

Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has its own Congressman!

Homer: Marge, for years people have looked down on me, but now I'm a big, fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
Marge: There's no cake.
Homer: Oh...

Homer: One for "Honk," please.
Geeky kid: Uh, excuse me. I have to speak with the manager! [whispers to manager] This guy wants to see the movie.
Manager: I'm sorry, sir, but our theatre's weren't designed for a man of your... carriage.
Homer: What do you mean?
Manager: What I'm saying is, a man of your girth couldn't possibly fit in one of our seats.
Homer: I could sit in the aisle!
Manager: I'm afraid that would be a violation to our fire code.
Movie Goer: Hey Fatty, I got a movie for ya! "[[w:A Bridge Too Far}A Fridge Too Far]]!"
Homer: Hey, don't make fun of me! I just want to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace!
Manager: Sir, if you just calm down, I'll gladly treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
Homer: Oh! This may come as a surprise to you, but you can't buy me off with food!

Telephone operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Ralph: [to Lisa on the schoolbus] I heard your father walked into a restaurant and ate all the food in the restaurant and they had to close down the restaurant.
Lisa: Hey, my father may be a little overweight, but he isn't some sort of food-crazed maniac!
[Homer is seen through the bus window driving a speeding ice-cream truck in his muumuu.]
Homer: [Driving past in the hijacked ice cream van, sucking on an ice cream cone] Oh, that's raspberry!

Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his doom.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas-
Marge: Bart!

[Mr Burns is trying to make Homer lose weight through sit ups. Homer is lying on the ground, never managing to get more than a few inches up.]
Burns: One... One!... ONE! BAH! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Mother Simpson [7.08]

Homer: Hey everybody! Up here! [waves to his co-workers standing near a waterfall]
Smithers: Simpson, get down from there!
Homer: Right away, Mr. Smithers, I'll just walk off these slippery rocks an- WHOA! [trips over]
["Homer" falls down the waterfall, crashing into bolders.]
Carl: Oh, no! He fell down the waterfall!
["Homer" gets caught on a small branch.]
Lenny: Oh, good! He snagged that tree branch!
[Branch snaps, making "Homer" fall into the river.]
Carl: Oh, no! The branch snapped!
Lenny: Oh, good! He can grab on one of those pointy rocks!
[The rapids make it look like the rocks are crippling him.]
Carl: Oh, no! The rocks are breaking his arms and legs.
[A family of beavers swim to the body]
Lenny: Oh, good! Those helpful beavers will save him!
Carl: Oh, no! They're biting him and stealing his pants!
[The beavers leave, cut to "Homer" rapidly approaching a water turbine]
Smithers: Good Lord! He'll be sucked into the turbine!
[As he is sucked in, the workers bow their head.]
Mr. Burns: (with a little concern) Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: [sobbing] Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G. [normal voice] I'll cross him off the list.
[At the waterfall, it is revealed Bart and Homer used a decoy to get away from the clean-up job]
Bart: He-he. That dummy worked like a charm, Dad.
Homer: Best $600 I ever spent. Come on, boy, we've earned this Saturday! Let's make the most of it!
[The screen changes to two kites flying in the sky, and then cuts to Lisa and Marge flying them. Next to them, Homer is in his hammock counting how many times Bart hits a flagstone with a hammer.]
Homer: 61, 62, 63...

Newspaper headline: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]
Homer: I'm sorry I never visit, Mom! I'm just not a cemetery person. (reads tombstone engraving): "Here...lies..."
[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]
Homer: WALT WHITMAN?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU, WALT WHITMAN! (kicking the stone) I-HATE-YOU-WALT-FREAKING-WHITMAN! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!

Homer: I almost always ruin the moment. [A pelican lands on his head and drops a fish into his pants.] I'm sorry.

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]

[Sideshow Bob finishes raking up the garbage at the Air Force Base.]
Sideshow Bob: There. That's the last condom wrapper.
[A strong gust of wind comes and blows the pile of wrappers all over. Bob throws down his rake.]
Sideshow Bob: I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor! Informally now and by affidavit later. Time permitting.

[Milhouse sits in the cockpit of a fighter jet, pretending to fly it and making machine gun noises.]
Milhouse: Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist, will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Bart: Look at that hunk of junk!
Grandpa: (sputters) You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!
Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets!

Mayor Quimby: This town will not negotiate with terrorists! Is there a nearby town that will?
Col. Hapablap: No need, sir, we'll find him faster than Garfield finding lasagne.
[Mayor Quimby glares at him.]
Col. Hapablap: Sorry, my wife thought that was gangbusters.

[In a deserted hut, a sweaty Krusty tries to peform]
Krusty: Kids, Itchy & Scratchy can't be here today, but instead, we got the next best thing.
[Holds up a scorpion on a peg and a old car battery.]
Krusty: It's the "Stingy & Battery Show!" [singing] They bite, they light, they bite and light and bite, bite-bite-bite... yadda yadda, you get the idea.
[Krusty drops the scorpion, looking nervously at the camera, and flinches as it touches his shoe. [Outside, Sideshow Bob and Bart are flying to the hut in the Wright Brothers' plane]
Bart: But you can't kill Krusty! He made you what you are. Without him you wouldn't be called "Sideshow"!
Sideshow Bob: ARGH!
[Back in the hut.]
Krusty: [singing] La-la-la-la [stops] What the hell is that, a lawn mower?
[Krusty opens the door to see the plane approaching.]
Bart: GET OUTTA THE WAY, KRUSTY!
[Krusty screams and dives out a window. After a pause with no crash, he gets up and lights a cigarette.]
Krusty: Well, what's the freaking hold-up?!
Sideshow Bob: DIE KRUSTY, DIE!
[The plane hits the hut, only to bounce back and land on the ground. It is then crushed by a tank.]
Tank Driver: Oh, sorry. We don't usually use these things in the Air Force.

Sideshow Bob: How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so fomulaic it could have spewed from the Powerbook of the laziest Hollywood hack.

The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]

Troy McClure: (glares, laughs) They haven't changed a bit, have they? As the weeks went on, so did the cartoons!

Announcer: What two popular "Simpsons" characters have died in the past year? If you answered "Bleeding Gums" Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you're wrong! They were never popular!

Troy McClure: This past summer, all of America was asking the question, "Who Shot Mr. Burns?" Then we found out it was the baby.
(Long pause. Troy coughs.)

(deleted scene from Burns' Heir)
Homer: Well, go ahead, do your worst!
Montgomery Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
(Smithers pushes a butten which opens a hidden door, the robot walks out towards Homer)
Robot Richard Simmons: C'mon, big boy! Shake the butter out those buns!
(A speaker pops out of his head. K.C. and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" plays as the Robot Richard Simmons does disco moves around Homer)
Homer: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (runs away)
(The robot then shows up next to Bart, Smithers, and Mr. Burns, with the music still playing)
Robot Richard Simmons: C'mon, c'mon, girls! Shake-shake-shake! (continues dancing)
Mr. Burns: Smithers! It's out of control!
Smithers: I'll take him out, sir! (pulls a shotgun out of his suit jacket and fires at the robot's face. The robot's right eye is blasted open, but it heals back, a la the T-1000 from "Terminator 2". The music continues playing and the robot continues dancing, but is beginning to badly malfunction by shaking violently)
Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!
(Bart, Burns, and Smithers run screaming into the house as the Robot Richard Simmons continues to break down. Cut to a faraway shot of the Burns Mansion where an explosion is heard. Seconds later, the Robot Richard Simmons's head lands outside the gates of the manor).

(deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV)
Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears]
Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.
[Devil Flanders vanishes]
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

Troy McClure: Yes, "The Simpsons" have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and now leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!

Troy McClure: You're probably wondering that "Troy, you can't show me anything new, I seen every episode". (Mad and quieter) Well, you got some attitude, mister. Besides, you're wrong!

Marge Be Not Proud [7.11]

(Bart wants a video game Marge refuses to buy)
Homer: I know how you feel, boy. When I was your age I wanted an electric football more then anything; and my parents bought me one and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of "Bonestorm," he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]
Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the "Bonestorm!"
Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!
Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much!
Lee Carvello: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! TAKE IT!

Brodka: [pounding the TV off] All right, show's over.
Bart: Er, excuse me?
Brodka: You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
Bart: No.
Brodka: Don't smart off to me, smart guy!
Bart: [stammering] I could pay for the game. I'll pay for it!
Brodka: You know, that kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus, but don't peddle it here. [Bart laughs nervously]
Brodka: That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents!
[Brodka dials the phone while Bart looks unhappy.]
...
Brodka: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but... well, _try_ and have a merry Christmas. [hangs up] They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right.

[Bart rides home on his bike as fast as he can.]
Bart: I gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape!
[Homer and Marge speed past him in the car, their heads stuck out the window.]
Homer: Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie!

Homer: That's funny... we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. [face goes blank]
Allan Sherman: [on tape, singing] Hello, Muddah, Hello Faddah. Here I am at - Camp Granada.
Homer: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

Homer: Stealing! STEALING! How COULD you?! Didn't you ever listen to that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain What's-his-name?! We live in a society of laws. Why do you THINK I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies, for FUN?! Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, DID YOU?! Except at that guy that made sound effects!
[Homer proceeds to (poorly) imitate Michael Winslow's sound effects. He laughs, then...]
Homer: Where was I? Oh, yeah, stay outta my booze!

[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]
Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of "Bonestorm." Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: Quick recap of proposed transaction: you wish to purchase "Bonestorm" for 99 cents. Net profit to me: minus 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.] Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point. 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart Then may I please rent?
Comic Book Guy No, I am fresh out. But I do have a surprising abundance of "Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge."

Milhouse: Wow, this is great... and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse." [screen shows "WELCOME THRILLHO"]

[Dialog from "Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge"]
Lee Carvello: You have selected - three wood. May I suggest - putter? Three wood.
Lee Carvello: Game over. Would you like to play again? You have selected no.

Team Homer [7.12]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe, Apu, and Otto: [chanting] Come on, Homer! Come on, Homer! Pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer!

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. (hangs up)
Lisa: We are not weiners!
Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?
Bart and Lisa: (in unison) They made us!

Homer: So what you're saying Marge, is that we're definitely gonna win tomorrow! Woo-hoo! Well, I won't be needing this anymore!
[Homer picks up a stolen Oscar from his poorly constructed trophy cabinet and takes it into the bathroom. Numerous flushing-water sounds can be heard, with a final gurgling sound.]
Homer: (in a whiny voice) Ma-aarge, someone broke the toilet.

[Mr. Burns is looking over his checks.]
Mr. Burns: Stop everything! I don't remember writing a check for bowling!
Smithers: Uh, sir, that's a check for your boweling.
Mr. Burns: (chuckles when he realizes this) Oh, yes, that's very important.
Smithers: Yes, sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?
Mr. Burns: Yes. That was unpleasant for all concerned.

Homer, Apu and Otto: [chanting] Go, Moe! Go, Moe! Don't make Homer shout out "D'oh!"

Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]

[Homer owns a homemade rhinestone jacket, which has the words "Disco Stu" written on it.]
Marge: Who's Disco Stu?
Homer: Uh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud" but I ran out of room.

[A man notices Homer's rhinestone jacket at the yard sale.]
Man: Hey, Stu, you should buy that.
Disco Stu: Disco Stu dosen't advertise.

Disco Stu: Disco Stu likes disco music.

Homer: Oh no, I've only got a few more minutes till they stop selling those breakfast balls! [George Bush is already ordering in front] D'OH!
George Bush: Let's see what you folks have here. A Krusty Burger? Doesn't sound very appetizing. What kind of stew do you have?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: [over radio] Uh... we don't have any stew.
Agent Ray Johnson: Why don't you just get the cheeseburger, sir?
George Bush: That's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
Homer: [impatient] HEY, JERK! MOVE YOUR FANNY! [beeps car horn]
George Bush: Ray, that man's louder than World War II! Go see what the rhubarb is, will ya?
[Agent Johnson approaches Homer's car]
Agent Ray Johnson: Sir, could you pop your hood, please?
[Homer does so, then Agent Johnson unscrews the car horn]
Homer: Hey! My taxes pay for that horn!

[Bart & Homer walk through their sewer system]
Bart: Heh-heh, locusts. They'll drive him nuts.
Homer: It's all in the Bible, son. It's the "prankster's bible". [shows Bart his very small holy bible]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

Homer: For the last time, Bush, apologise for spanking my boy!
George Bush: Never! Tell him to apologise for destroying my memoirs!
Homer: [to Bart] You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs. [to Bush] NEVER!

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]

Homer: Look at these low, low price on famous name-brand electronics!
Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!
Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one! And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny!

[Mr Burns watches Homer playing golf in the toilets on CCTV]
Mr Burns: Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from Sector 7-G.
Mr Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle! Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game, except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon - that was very kind of you, Sir.
Mr Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (impersonating Richard Nixon) "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"
[Smithers Laughs]
Mr Burns: Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: [hesitates] Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Mr Burns: Bah, schedule a game and I'll ask him myself!

[Marge shows up at Patty and Selma's doorstep]
Marge: I need a formal dress for tonight!
Patty: You've come to the right place.
Selma: We've got classy duds up the yin-yang.
[Cut to Marge in a large, baggy red vinyl dress]
Patty: This dress is called "Fantasy in Maroon." It's got some cigarette burns, but you can patch it up with new vinyl.
Marge: It's a bit "peppery" for me. Let's put it in the "maybe" pile...
[Cut to Marge in an extremely tight, revealing purple minidress with large hoop earrings.]
Selma: This used to be a Halloween costume, but it found its way into my regular rotation.
Marge: Uh huh...

Marge: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer: I'm driving up to the main building. They got valet parking.
Marge: We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car, we're walking.
Homer: But Marge, valets! Maybe for once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

Bart the Fink [7.15]

Bart: Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friend. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
Krusty: Uh... that could happen! Huh, who needs friends? The incessant beeping of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [laughs and pats the system fondly, before receiving a powerful electric shock and throwing it into the water]
Krusty: Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

Sideshow Mel: I'll miss you, Krusty. I and all the other sideshows. Except Sideshow Bob.

[on phone]
Cayman Islands Bank Manager: [laughs] I'm sorry, but I cannot divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. [hangs up] Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sighs] It's too hot today.

Homer: [to Bart] Don't let Krusty's death let you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [Bart stares at Homer, frightened] Well, good night.

Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]

Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Edna Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Ralph: Can you open my milk, mommy?
Hoover: I'm not mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover. (the other students laugh at him)

(after Homer is chosen over Flanders to be the town crier for the Springfield Day Parade)

Homer: Woo-hoo! (shouting and ringing Flanders's bell) HEAR YE, HEAR YE! THE HOMER BROADCASTING SYSTEM IS ON THE AIR! ALL HOLLERING, ALL THE TIME! I'M GONNA--
Mayor Quimby: (snatches the bell away from Homer) You're to restrict your criering to the parade and selected pre-approved publicity events.
Homer: (meekly) Okay.

Homer: (as town crier) Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast?
Marge: Toast.
Homer: I can't understand thee, Marge.
Marge: (sighs) Ye olde toast.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Hollis Hurlbut: (to eight-year-old Lisa) You're banned from this Historical Society! You and your children and your children's children...! For three months.

[After Homer idly glimpses at the Comic Book Guy's script in a copy shop]
Comic Book Guy: Question: is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
Comic Book Guy: Then I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, "Homer." And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know you have stolen my idea.
Homer: But I'm just waiting for my kid. [thinking] Mental note: steal his idea.

Mayor Joe Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

[After Homer has deposed Ned as 'Town Crier' in the Springfield celebratory parade]
Helen: He is not the official town crier! Police, do something!
Wiggum: Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good. [to Lou and Eddie] Let the man march, boys. Let the man march.

Homer the Smithers [7.17]

Smithers: [driving Burns in his car] What matters is that I failed you, sir, and I'll never be able to forgive myself! [begins knocking his head against the steering wheel] Never, never, never, never, never...
[Annoyed, Burns pushes a button, raising the glass partition beween him and Smithers; his phone rings and he answers it]
Smithers: [on phone] Never, never, never, never...

Mr. Burns: I daresay you're in need of a long vacation.
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!
Mr. Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Mr. Burns: Really Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7-G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh?

Homer: Smithers, wait! I don't understand how to do my jobs!
Smithers: [about to get inside a car] Which one troubles you the most?
Homer: Uhhh... what should I do in case of a fire?
Smithers: [inside the car] Sorry! I can't hear you! [he drives away]
[Homer looks into Mr. Burns office, which is engulfed in flames]
Homer: Oh, just my luck.

Mr. Burns: [turning on a lamp] Ah! 60 watts? What do you think this is? A tanning salon?

Smithers: [chuckles] Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him I'll rush in and save the day.
Homer: Got it. [pushes speaker] I'm transferring a call in to you, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: [on intercom] No problemo.
Homer: [hesitating between the four buttons] Uh... [pushes the button to disconnect the call] Uh-oh.
Mr. Burns: [from his office] Ahoy-hoy? Hoy?
Homer: [in falsetto, attempting to sound elderly] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.
Smithers: [whispering] No!
Mr. Burns: Oh, hello mater. Um... sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could've known you'll pull through and... live for another five decades. Oh, is my face red!
Smithers: [whispering at Homer] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"!
Homer: [continues the charade] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son Montel...
Mr. Burns: [appearing behind Homer] So...
Homer: [screams]
Mr. Burns: Impersonate my mother, will you? And you, Smithers. You must have put him up to it! I'm glad I fired you!
Homer: ...You really blew it this time, Smithers.

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word 'Incompetent'... [He does so.] 714 names? Better be more specific: "lazy, clumsy, dim-witted, monstrously ugly..." [Computer again reports 714 matches found.] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
Homer: [answering] Yello, Mr. Burns's office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?

[Smithers is beating Homer over the head with a phone]
Smithers: It's for you!

Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct-
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Mr. Burns: Donuts?! I told you, I don't like ethnic food!

Homer: I KILLED MR. BURNS! I got mad and punched him right in his 104 year old face!
Marge: Okay... maybe everything's all right. Maybe if you go apologise to him, he won't even fire you... if he's alive.

[Homer is eating a basket of fruit that has been sent to him.]
Bart: What did you get that for?
Homer: For pushing Mr Burns out of a fourth story window.
Bart: Makes sense to me.
Lisa: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a doctor?

The Day the Violence Died [7.18]

Bart: Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
Lisa: Will do!

Bart: Save our seats. (He and Lisa leave their deckchairs to go to The Comic Book Store.)
Homer: (Goes to a close-up of Homer) OK.
Strange man with his wife: (Goes back to Bart and Lisa's seats) Hello.
Homer: D'oh!

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart: Huh?
Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

Grandpa: I thought I recognized you! I paid you a plate of corn-muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop, but you never did it!
Chester J Lampwick: Those corn muffins were lousy!
Grandpa: Paint my chicken coop!
Chester J Lampwick: Make me!
[Grandpa dives at him, they begin to brawl]
Marge: One of them has to go!
Homer: Okay, Grandpa.
Marge: No, the B-U-M.
Homer: Aw...

Blue Haired Lawyer: Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called animation genius before?
Krusty: Yes, I have.
Blue Haired Lawyer (gasps) You have?!
Krusty: I paid him blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it!
Chester J Lampwick: Those blintzes were terrible!
Krusty: Paint my fence!
Chester J Lampwick: Make me!
[Krusty, rushes to him & they start fighting]
Judge Schneider: Krusty, we don't care about your blintzes.
[Krusty gives the Judge a disgruntled look]

Roger Myers, Jr.: Where are our ideas gonna come from, huh? Her? (Points at Marge)
Marge: Uh, how about... Ghost Mutt?

[watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy"]
Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

Bart: Mr. Myers, you probably don't need it now, but we had an plan, too!
Roger Myers, Jr.: Hey, great! Listen, put in an envelope and mail it to last week when I might have cared! I've got cartoons to make, kids.

A Fish Called Selma [7.19]

Marge: What are you talking about?
Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!
Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

Troy McClure: [on telephone] T Mc-C.
MacArthur Parker: Troy, it's MacArthur Parker.
Troy: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker MY agent?!

Troy McClure: You know, my good looks paid for that pool. And my talent filled it with water.

Troy McClure: Mac, you gotta get me that part!
MacArthur Parker: I will, but you gotta do something for me; problem is the big parts these days are all going to family men.
Troy: But I already got married!
MacArthur: Yeah, for a role like this, you gotta pour it on. You and your, er, wife have gotta have a baby.
Troy: A baby, eh? What do I do?
MacArthur: I'll send you over a pamphlet. Listen, you can't buy that kind of P.R., but you can get it for nothing by having a baby. Which, by the way, your insurance will cover, except for the deductible, which I'll reimburse you for if you get the part, which you will if you have a baby.
Troy: C'est Troi Bien!
MacArthur: Okay. Now listen, let's talk baby names. You can't use Montana, Dakota or Florida, they're taken...
Troy: Hmm... Oregon?
MacArthur: Oh, Pacific Northwest, very hot.

Bart on the Road [7.20]

Homer: Wanna bite of my doughnut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

(Bart and his friends arrive in a Las Vegas-esque city)

Nelson: (in awe) What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
Homer: Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

(Lisa finally tells Homer about Bart's "adventure")

Lisa: (rapidly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
[Homer's face turns red, but his expression remains impassive]
Homer (eerily calm) Yes. That's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[Homer puts on his hazmat suit helmet and screams into it for several seconds, eventually fogging it up. He removes the helmet.]
Homer: [eerily calm again] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.
Lisa: No, NO! Then he'll know I told!

Homer: Hello, Oakridge, this is Springfield Nuclear. I'd like to place an order for a... (looks at his workstation) T-437 Safety Command Console.
Technician: Uh Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is fully operational. Now I suggest you...
[Homer pours his Buzz Cola all over the console, shorting it out.]
Technician: Oh, my God! Oh, God, no! Oh, this can't be happening...! This — you're operating without a T-437 Springfield! Ahh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean, I mean, my God!

[Marge and Homer retire for the night. Before they can go to bed,the phone rings]
Marge: [answering] Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night.
[she hangs up, but the phone rings again]
Marge: [answering] Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.
[she hangs up, but the phone rings yet again]
Marge: [answering] Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!
[she hangs up and turns out the light; Homer smothers a laugh]
Marge: Homer, are you laughing at me?

22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]

Dr. Nick: Holy smokes! You need booze! [Reaches into his pocket and gives a handful of change to Smithers]

Cletus's opening song
Some folk'll never eat a skunk.
But then again some folk'll.
Like Cletus the slack-jawed yokel!
Cletus: [pokes his head through the title card] Hey, what's goin' on this side?

Cletus's closing song
Most folk'll never lose a toe.
But then again some folk'll.
Like Cletus the slack-jawed yokel.

"Skinner & The Superintendent" Theme Song

Skinner, with his crazy explanations
The superintendent's gonna need his medication
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations
There'll be trouble in town tonight.

"The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink" Theme Song

N-hey, n-hey
Professor Frink, Professor Frink
He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think
He likes to run

And then the thing with the...
um, person...


[Bart and Milhouse are standing on a pederstrian overpass spitting at cars]
Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.
Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.
Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!

[Apu arrives at Sanjay's party]
Apu: [grabs a tofu dog off the grill] Quick, quick, no time to cook them, they will plump in my stomach. [quickly eats the hot dog, drinks some beer quickly and burps then pots a pretty woman] Hello, beautiful. No ring, I see. So you are only arranged to be married.
["Freakazoid" plays on the stereo]
Apu: Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love this song. Let us boogie. [grabs the girl, and sings along] I am a Freak-a-zoid, come on and wind me up... Ooh, I am hot. Let us get out of here. [Apu and the woman retire to a changing house, two seconds later Apu leaves, clothes askew and smoking] Don't worry, I'll tell everybody you were untouchable! [backs into the pool, dragging the other guests along with him in a domino fashion] Oh Sanjay, never have I partied so hearty. Same time next year, no?
[they high-five]
Apu and Sandjay: Yeah!

[Lou, Eddie and Chief Wiggum are eating at Krusty Burger.]
Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night-
Wiggum: [interrupting] The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's. I, I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Must've sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little differences.
Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?
Lou: Mm-hm. They call 'em, "shakes."
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
Wiggum: Well, I know what I'm gettin': Some doughnuts.
[He struggles to get out of the booth]
Wiggum: Uh, help me out of the booth, boys.
[Lou and Eddie pop Wiggum's booth with their forks]

Moe: Say, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah, you had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today. (reading a printout) You owe me seventy billion dollars.
Barney: Huh?
Moe: No, wait, wait, wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab is fourteen billion dollars.

[Smithers and Burns are on a tandem bicycle and a bee lands on Smithers' face]
Burns: [looking up from his magazine] Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off?
Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, sir.
Burns: And?
Smithers: I, I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
Burns: But we're running out of forward momentum.
Smithers: Uh, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir?
Burns: Quite impossible. I could try to bat him off if you like. [tries to, feebly, with the magazine]
Smithers: Uh, really, that's o-
[the bee stings Smithers, who slumps over the handlebars]
Burns: Holy cats, man! We're starting to wobble.
Smithers: [heavily slurred] Get... me... to... a... hospital... you... have... to... pedal.
Burns: Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers. Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital - the only way I know how... Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled rain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...
Riviera But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
Riviera I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

Skinner: [faking a yawn] Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be - [notes entire kitchen is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.

Agnes: [offscreen] Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.
[Chalmers walks off. He looks back at Skinner, who flashes him the "thumbs-up" sign]
Agnes: Help! Help!
[fire engines run to the rescue]

Wiggum: (singing) Doughnuts, I got doughnuts... [notices Snake sitting at red light] Hey, I know you!
(Snake notices Wiggum and runs him over Wiggum in car)
Wiggum: Hey, hey, wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!

[Reverend Lovejoy is walking a sheepdog. He stops in front of Flanders' house.]
Lovejoy: C'mon boy, this is the spot, right here. That's a good boy, do your dirty, sinful business.
Ned: Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there... on my lawn... with your dog.
Lovejoy: Oh, oh, ooh, bad dog! Look at that, right on Ned's lawn. Now how could you do such a thing? [quietly to the dog] Good boy, don't stop now. Bad dog, I condemn you to Hell.
Ned: Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, eh? [leaves]
Lovejoy: [to dog] Good boy, don't stop the music.

[Brandine is doing some of her daily chores. Cletus walks in, carrying a pair of black boots.]
Cletus: Hey, Brandine! You might could wear these to your job interview.
Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best bring 'em back from where you got 'em.
[Cletus shimmies up a telephone pole, and tosses the shoes out on the wire.]
Cletus: Hey, you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. [yelling] Hey, maw! Get off the dang roof!
(N.B. Reference to Green Acres)

Bart: Everybody in town's got their story to tell. There's just not enough time to hear them all.

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]

Mr. Burns: Simpson, can't you go five seconds without embarrassing yourself?
[Grandpa's overall straps come loose and his pants fall down]
Grandpa: How long was that?

Grandpa: All right! You can have the paintings. Just don't hurt the boy!
Mr. Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both.

Grandpa: Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.

Mr. Burns: (Bashing through Bart's bedroom wall to Lisa's room) Oh! Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
Lisa: Santa?

Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]

Homer: Let's all calm down. Everyone's going to be just fine, as long as I have enough beer... (opens the refrigerator only to find boxes of baking soda; he screams) All right, that does it. If I'm going to be trapped in the house, I gotta go out and get some beer.

Nelson: Hey, German boy! Go back to Germania!

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

Apu: Oh, I fell asleep! I have forgotten everything that Mr. Homer taught me!
Lisa: Perfect. Let's roll.

Homer: If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker.

Giant Mob: (chanting) We're here! We're queer! We don't want anymore bears!

Mayor's Aide: An angry mob to see you, sir.
Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Aide: [checking schedule] Um, yes it does.
Principal Skinner: I phoned ahead.

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm!
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Why thank you, honey.
Lisa: By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Hmm. How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work; it’s just a stupid rock!
Homer: Uh-huh.
Lisa: But I don’t see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Hmm... Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

[Proposition 24 passes despite apparently overwhelming support for its failure.]
Homer: When will people learn? Democracy doesn't work!

Homer: (chanting) Down with taxes! Down with taxes!
Helen: Will someone please think of the children?

Homer: (on phone) Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once more for money.

Apu: Oh, it's hopeless. Oh, poor Apu.
Abe: Hey! The government can't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon?
Lisa: That's it!
Bart: Hear that? Hear that, Mom? She's as dumb as me.
Lisa: No, not what he said. What he is. Grandfather, as in grandfather clause. Apu, how long ago did you visa expire?
Apu: Seven years, but I don't...
Lisa: There's an amnesty that was declared for people who've lived here as long as you. You can take the citizenship test!
Marge: But the vote on Proposition 24 is on Tuesday. You'll have to pass the exam before then.
Apu: Oh, that is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history.
Homer: Oh, it can't be that many. Come on, Apu. I'll be your tutor. (everyone looks worried)

Homer: Please identify this object.
Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen strips are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?
Apu: Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
Homer: Uh... partial credit.

Moe: And these ones are smarter than the av-er-age bear. They swiped my pic-in-ic basket!
Helen Lovejoy: Think of the children!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. I promise swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters! (Everyone leaves, reassured, while Quimby helps himself to the pic-in-ic basket)

Homer: Oh my god, I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24 I never stopped to think it might affect somebody I might care about. (Pause) You know what Apu? I am really, really going to miss you.
(He nails up an Uncle Sam sign that says "I Want You Out!" and walks away whistling)

Apu: Executive, Legislative and... Judicial.
Homer: No, no, and no! I guess we have to start all over with the electrical college.
Apu: Please, Mr. Homer, my brain needs sleep and many of these facts you speak of are completely new to me!

Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.
Lisa: That's the home-owner tax.
Homer: Well anyway, I'm still outraged!

Proctor: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter-
Proctor: Wait, wait... just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

[Barney the drunk and a bear have both been knocked out with tranquilisers.]
Chief Wiggum: Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear. [He points at Barney.] And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Moe Szyslak: (immediately accepting Mayor Quimby's scapegoating of the Immigrants) Immigants! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

Maude: Oh, Marge... it was horrible! We were trapped in the house all afternoon... and, well... we had to drink toilet water! [sobs]
Marge: Well, things were bad everywhere.

Homer: I'm sick of these constant bear attacks. It's like a freakin' country bear jambaroo around here!

Quimby: Are those morons getting dumber or just louder?
Aide: Dumber, sir.

Homerpalooza [7.24]

Roadie: Oh, boy. There goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed off.
Peter Frampton: You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!

Roadie: Someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra, possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.
[The members of Cypress Hill huddle up and talk indistinctly]
Cypress Hill Member: Yeah, we think we did. You guys know "Insane In The Brain"?
Conductor: We mostly know classical. But we could give it a shot.

Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer: [Checks in pants] Nope.

Peter Frampton: Homer Simpson ruins my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra... and now Sonic Youth is in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids!

Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: Oh, you know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work in real life... Christianity.

Marge: Cannons are designed to hurt. They're designed to hurt!
Lisa: Shhh, Mom! Dad needs our support.

Teenager 1: [sarcastically] Oh look, here comes that cannonball guy, he's cool.
Teenager 2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Teenager 1: I don't even know anymore.

Burns: And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster. [imitating Smithers] "Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."
Smithers: It's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.

Concert manager: Homer, there's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak, unless that's his act. I expect your resignation on my desk.
Homer: You have a desk?
Concert manager: I mean the hood of my car.

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

Concert manager: Homer, nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks. I'm sending you to a vet.

Homer: Die? Well, you don't scare me, Doc. 'Cause dying would be a stone groove. [cocky] Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?
Doctor: Yes. Pick up your puppy. [indicates an ancient hound-dog named "Rover Hendrix"]

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Bart: [unimpressed] Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square".
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: [dismissive] No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: [dismissive] No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool, not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: [dismissive] No.
Marge: [frustrated] Well how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here!
Homer: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Sure you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?

[Homer is in a record store. He notices a poster for the Hullabalooza music festival]
Homer: Now here are some of your no-name bands. Sonic Youth? Nine Inch Nails? Hullabalooza?
Record store clerk: Hullabalooza is a music festival. The greatest music festival of all time.
Homer: There can only be one truly great festival of a lifetime and it's the US festival.
Record store clerk: The what festival?
Homer: The US festival! Sheesh! It was put on by that guy from Apple Computers.
Record Store Clerk: What computers?

Homer: I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!
Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!
Grampa Simpson: What the hell are you two doing?!
Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.
Grampa Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... and it'll happen to you!
Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!
[fades to the current timeline]
Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...

Jimbo: [watching Frampton use a talkbox] Man, that guy's guitar is talking.
Otto: [looks at his feet] Hey, my shoes are talking too!
Left Shoe: Don't worry, we won't hurt you.
Right Shoe: We only want to have some fun.

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Homer: [after being questioned about the water quality in Springfield] We have a saying for that, "If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back."

Homer: You know Marge, I thought I had an Appetite for Destruction. But all I really wanted was a club sandwich.
Marge: Aw. Well there might be one in this cooler! Here we go! (pulls out sandwich from cooler)
Peter Frampton: Awwww...

Homer Simpson: Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

Homer Simpson: Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh, man!

Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?
Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

[Lisa hands her empty suitcase to Homer]
Homer: Ooh, someone's traveling light!
Lisa: Maybe you're just getting stronger.
Homer: Heh heh, well I have been eating more!

Marge: Say, why don't you put on your swimsuit and head to the beach?
Lisa: Well, it's a funny thing, Mom. With all the craziness and confusion and meshugge of packing... (showing Marge her empty suitcase) I forgot to pack!
Marge: Lisa, that's not at all like you!
Lisa: Exactly.

[after seeing Lisa's friends decorating the car in seashells]
Homer: Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Erin: My mom would usually butt in with Rice Krispie Squares and Tang.
[Marge walks in with Rice Krispies and Tang. Upon hearing that, she immediately turns back, unnoticed]

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store]
Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposeable enemas. You know what, kake it two.
Owner: My apologies sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by- [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.

[Marge goes through Homer's purchases.]
Marge: I don't know what you have planned tonight, but count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?
Homer: (holding up the firework) Hee-hee, this baby's sure to kill something!



Season 8

Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01]

Dr. Hibbert: Bart's birth was very memorable. You don't forget a thing like... Siamese Twins!
[Thunder and lightning outside, dramatic music.]
Lisa: I think they prefer to be called "conjoined twins."
Dr. Hibbert: And Hillbillies prefer to be called "Sons of the Soil," but it ain't gonna happen!

[Marge has given birth to identical Siamese Twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]
Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one...

Leader Guy in tub: We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O' Creator. And we have learned to imatoot you exarktly.

Citizen Kang

[Homer meets Kang and Kodos on their ship]
Homer: Oh my god - space aliens. Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids - eat them!
Kodos: Silence! We are travellers from a nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention.
Kang: My name is Kang - and this is my sister, Kodos.
Kodos: [with male voice] Hello.
Homer: [gulp] I suppose you wanna probe me. Well, might as well get it over with. [unzips his pants and moons the aliens]
Kang: Stop! We have reached the limit of what rectal probing can teach us!

[Kang and Kodos have abducted Bob Dole and Bill Clinton, both of whom are now nude in glass tubes]
Bob Dole: What the hell is this, some kinda tube?! -- [is silenced as his tube fills with pink liquid]
Bill Clinton: Well, thanks for taking care of Dole for me! Hey! -- [is also silenced as his tube also fills with pink liquid]
Kodos: Commence bio-duplication.
[Kang and Kodos take on the physical forms of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton, respectively]
Homer: Oh no! Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies. Oh my god, Lyndon Larouche was right!
Kodos: [notices Homer] What?! Are you still here?! I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you... [pushes a button]
[A cannon appears, which reveals a smaller cannon, which reveals an even smaller one, from which emerges a tube, spraying Homer]
Homer: What are you spraying me with?!
Kang: Rum. So no one will believe your story.
Kodos: [kicks Homer off the saucer] And don't come back!

Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As Overlord all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End Communication.

Homer: Marge! Marge! There I was, I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen, when I was abducted by two aliens in a flying saucer!
Bart: Sure you were, rummy.
Homer: [gasps and points at the TV] There's one of the creatures!!!
[On the TV, Brockman is interviewing Kang (who is posing as Bob Dole) about Bill Clinton (actually Kodos in disguise)]
Kent Brockman (on TV): Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?
Kang (on TV): It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed! DOOMED!
Kent Brockman (on TV): Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole!
Homer: These candidates make me wanna vomit in terror!

Kang: Abortions for all!
[Crowd boos]
Kang: ... Very well, no abortions for anyone!
[Crowd boos again]
Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
[Crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos] Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
Kodos: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it!

Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Homer: STOP! Those candidates are phonies!
[Crowd murmurs]
Homer: You heard me! They're alien replicons from beyond the moon!!!
[Crowd laughs. Homer is thrown out by henchmen, despite trying to use a flag as defence.]
Henchman: Don't forget your stinking flag! [throws it at him]

Homer: Why won't anyone believe my crazy story?!

[After finding Kang and Kodos' badly-hidden ship, Homer reanimates Dole and Clinton]
Clinton: Oh, no, am I still here? I don't wanna serve out my term naked in a tube!
Dole: I am so mad at the Secret Service right now...
[Homer takes the ship into space, flying towards Washington where Kang and Kodos are]
Clinton: [to Dole] You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart.
Dole: You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences.
Clinton: Together, we can lead America into a new Golden Age!
Dole: Friend, you got a deal. [to Homer] Now can you get us outta these tubes?
[Homer presses the wrong button, and the candidates get ejected into space]
Homer: Oh no. What have I done? What am I doing? What will I DO?!
[He smashes the control panel in frustration, sending the saucer crashing towards Washington]

[Kang and Kodos are giving their pre-electoral speeches]
Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again! Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka-- I mean, Bob Dole! [receives applause]
Kodos: I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath. [also receives applause]
[Their ship suddenly crashes down, right into the Capitol - Homer is heard screaming inside. He then comes running down the stairs.]
Homer: America, take a good look at your beloved candidates! They're nothing but hideous space reptiles!
[Homer rips the artificial heads off Kang and Kodos, and the rest of their disguises burst away. The audience gasps in terror.]
Kodos: It's true, we are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system - you have to vote for one of us!
[Crowd murmurs in confusion]
Man 1: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead! Throw your vote away!
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally, while Ross Perot smashes his "Perot 96" hat in frustration.]

[Kang has been elected President, enslaving mankind and making them build a huge ray gun]
Marge: I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!

You Only Move Twice [8.02]

Scorpio: Gentlemen. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to have my gold. And to prove I'm not joking- [presses a button causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the sscreen the gentlemen are visible in]
Senator 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Ehhh, maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Senator 2: We can't take that chance!
Senator 1: We can NEVER take a chance! For once I want to take a chance!
Scorpio: [scoffs] Collapsed on its own- you have 72 hours.

Scorpio: Ingenious isn't it, Mr. Bont?
Bont: (a la James Bond) Scorpio, you're totally mad!
Scorpio: I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk!
Bont: Do you expect me to talk?
Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you except to die and have a very cheap funeral!

Scorpio: Owning a place like this has always been my dream. What's your dream, Homer?
Homer: Ummm... to work for you?
Scorpio: Don't do that. My butt is for sitting, not for kissing. Now what's your dream, Homer? Your real dream?!
Homer: Well... someday I'd like to own the Dallas Cowboys.
Scorpio: I'll bet people laughed at you when you told 'em that dream.
Homer: Yeah.
Scorpio: Don't let it get you down, Homer. People laughed at me the first time I wore jeans with a sport coat. I was the first wealthy man in America to ever do that. Now they all do it! Ever hear of Mike Milken?
Homer: Y-- uh, no.

Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.

Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.
Homer:[laughs]
Scorpio: I'm just kidding.
Homer: Oh.

Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
Scorpio: Sugar? Sure. (takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets) There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream? (reaches back into his pockets)
Homer: Uh... I... no.

Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.
Scorpio: Hey, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: Nobody ever says Italy.

Scorpio is chasing a squad of soldiers with a flamethrower, and laughing maniacally.
Scorpio: Hey, Homer, you're missing out on some fun!

[Homer is reading a telegram sent to him by Scorpio]

:Homer: This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start.

[The Denver Broncos football team is in the front yard practicing but missing catches and tripping over everything]

Homer: [groans] The Denver Broncos?
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. [Homer sighs] Well explain to me why it isn't?
Homer: You just don't understand football, Marge...

The Homer They Fall [8.03]

[Homer looks at Moe's old boxing posters]
Homer: Moe? You used to be a boxer just like me?!
Moe: Yep! They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable... and then it was Kid Gruesome... and finally, Kid Moe.
Homer: (looking at another picture) You know Lucius Sweet?! He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too!
Moe: Yeah, he was my manager! Back when I was Gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow, I just never made it to the big time.
Homer: Why not?
Moe: 'Cause I got knocked out 40 times in a row. That, plus politics, you know. It's all politics.
Homer: Lousy Democrats!

[After the fight]
Marge: Homer! Oh, thank God you're okay!
Homer: (still woozy) I can't remember where we parked...
Marge: Oh, that's okay. We'll just wait 'till everybody else leaves!

Barney: You'd never get me in a ring - boxing causes brain damage. [drinks from a can of varnish]

Tatum: (about Homer) He's a good guy. I like 'im, I got nothin' against 'im. But I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
Reporter: You know, they do have a mother, Champ.
Tatum: Yes, but I imagine she would die of grief.

[Moe gets Homer ready for his first fight.]
Moe: Okay, you're fightin' a guy called Boxcar Bob.
Homer: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?
Moe: No, not exactly. He still lives down at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter! In fact, he's fightin' for a sandwich.

Kent Brockman [after being booed by the crowd at the fight]: This just in: go to Hell!

Burns, Baby Burns [8.04]

Workman: Seems to be some sort of couch.

[Larry Burns makes his way to Mr. Burns' front door]
Larry: Whoa, this guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf! He's rich, I tell ya! I've never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. (A beat) Hey, who am I talkin' to?

Mr. Burns: I'm sorry Larry. I can't be the family you need.
Larry: That's alright, Pop. I got a wife and kids. Hey, that reminds me! They're probably wondering where I am! I told 'em I was going for coffee. That was a week ago!

Larry: I'm looking for this guy - anybody know him?
Bart: Sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns.
Lisa: He tried to kill our puppies!
Marge: He sexually harassed me!
Grandpa: He stole my fiancée!
Homer: He made fun of my weight!
[Long pause]
Larry: Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address?

Larry: What i'm trying to say is--
Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Burns: Well, did you meet Larry?
Man: Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto be "semper fudge." At that point, he told me to [making quotes with fingers] relax.
Burns: How were his test scores?
Woman: Let's just say this: he spelled "Yale" with a six.
Burns: I see. Well, I -- ooh, you know, I just remembered, it's time for my annual donation. [brings out checkbook and pen] I wonder how much I should give.
Man: Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. [opens book] For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory, and in Larry's case, we would need an international airport.
Woman: Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Are you mad?! I'm not made of airports! Now get out!

Wiggum: All right, Mr. B. When the kidnappers call with the ransom demand, you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park.
Lou: And then down comes the net, right, Chief?
Wiggum: Heyyy, I like it! I like it a lot!

Burns: Ahoy-hoy?
Homer: [speaking through a kazoo] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son?
Burns: Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately!
Homer: If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today.
Burns: Oh, how much proof do you need? 5,000? 6,000? I swear, that's all I've got.
Homer: Don't you care about your son?! This is more important than money!
Burns: More important than money? Who is this?
Homer: Uh...[panics, loses control of the phone] Just a second. [hangs up]
Wiggum: Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace the phone number?
Eddie: Sure did, Chief.
Wiggum: [reading paper] 5-5-5... Aw, geez, that's gotta be phony.[discards the number into a fire]

Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, live from the Aztec theater, where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage Larry Burns are inside, talking loudly.

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

Mr. Burns: The negotiations have failed, shoot him!

Bart After Dark [8.05]

Homer: If Homer Simpson wants his 10 year old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpsons's 10 year old son is going to work in a burlesque house! [sees Marge] Er, hi. Now Marge, you are going to hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house...

TV announcer: It's eleven o'clock - do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night - no! [to himself] Where is Bart anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten. [eats some of Bart's TV dinner]

Lisa (after seeing news of the oil tanker): Oh no!
Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

Sea Captain (drunk while talking to reporters): Yar, I'm in a lot of trouble now. (to reporter) Hey, I'll give ya a hundred bucks to take the blame!

Bart: (dancing after retrieving a toy plane from a rooftop) S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell success! (falls off the roof and onto a window ledge)

Skinner: Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice.
Lenny: I'm gonna burn all the historical memorabilia.
Moe: I'm gonna bag me a toilet!
Willie: Agh, there'd better be two!

(Homer answers the door wearing nothing but a grocery bag)
Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--
Homer: No problem.
Marge: --every morning and the furnace--
Homer: Can do.
Marge: --has been putting off--
Homer: Right.
Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--
Homer: Uh-huh.
Marge: --so keep the window open.
Homer: Uh huh - cat in furnace!
Marge: Hmm, I think I'll take Maggie with me.

(Burns and Smithers are having a picnic in the park when Ralph and Martin run by)
Burns: I don't like being outside, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: Nah, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

Lisa: Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks and I think I know what it is. [a wave washes a new coat of oil over the freshly cleaned rocks]
Marge: Lisa, I know it's frustrating, but we made a commitment and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant.
Cleanup guy: Quittin' time. Ok, scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelpburgers and we're going to watch a tape of Johnny Arvik - he's the Eskimo comedian.
[Marge and Lisa pause for a moment - scene then cuts to Marge and Lisa in the car, speeding away from the cleanup guy]
Lisa: Faster Mom, faster!

Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
Skinner: [appearing from behind Reverend Lovejoy]: That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

Belle: [through intercom]: Who is it?
Ned: Er, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house?
Belle: Just a minute.

Milhouse: The evil witch got Bart!
Martin: We have to hurry! [the kids run off]

The lights go out and a slide show of Maison Derriere patrons begins (their eyes covered to protect their identity). However, in such a small town where everybody wears the same clothes day after day...
[slide of Dr. Hibbert]
Mrs. Hibbert: Julius!
[slide or Chief Wiggum]
Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy!
[slide of Skinner]
Chalmers: Skinner?
Agnes: Seymour!
Seymour: Mother...
[slide of Patty]
Selma: [off-screen] Patty?
[slide of Cletus]
Brandine: Cletus!
[slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts]
Moe: ... Oh, uh... [forced] Barney.
[slide of Chief Wiggum]
Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, come on, you did me twice.
[slide of... Smithers?!]
Burns: Smithers?
Smithers: My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
[slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash]
Luanne Van Houten: Mayor Quimby!
Quimby: Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

A Milhouse Divided [8.06]

[Kirk and Luann lose at Pictionary...]
Kirk: It's no wonder I can't draw "dignity." I gave it up when I married her!
Rev. Lovejoy: Now, Kirk, it's only a game. Sometimes we...
Kirk: Aw, cram it, Churchy!

Kirk: You're letting me go!?
Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk. Crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without!
Kirk: So that's it? After twenty years, "So long, good luck?"
Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

Homer: You know what you two need? A little comic strip called "Love is." It's about two naked 8-year olds who are married.

Nelson: Hey, van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.
Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Haw-haw!"?
Nelson: Oh, by no means. (sits down): My dad left my mom when she got hooked on cough drops. By the end (voice breaks), her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.
Milhouse: Oh, so I'm not alone.
Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid (slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney), but he got over it.
Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

Lisa's Date with Density [8.07]

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]
Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
Jimbo: That is so gay!

Wiggum: Oh, that's an auto-dialer. This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next twenty years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whompin' your ass around the clock, and the only way out... is suicide.
Homer: Telemarketing, eh?

Homer: [runs down the stairs after hearing gunshots] Hey, who shot my auto-dialer! [notices the police right behind him] I mean, Marge's auto-dialer [sheepishly shoves the bullet-riddled auto-dialer to the side].
Wiggum: See you in court, Simpson! [Wiggum hands Homer a summons] Oh, and, uh, bring that evidence with ya. Otherwise, I have no case and you go scott-free.

Mr. Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Lisa: [snickers] No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Mr. Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters!
Lisa: What?
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa: Mom...?
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.

Willie: [heavy Scottish accent] And that's how Willie waters. Now you take the hoose.
Nelson: The moose?
Willie: The hoose! The hoose!
Nelson: Is... this right? [begins spraying Willie]
Willie: Ah! Turn off the noozle!
Nelson: The noodles? What noodles?
Willie: The noozle at the end of the hoose!

Skinner: [while searching each child's locker for Superintendent Chalmers' missing hood ornament] Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl!
[The kids all break out into laughter.]
Skinner: I guess it is a little funny [chuckles].

Ned: [awakened by the phone ringing] Howdily-diddely.
Homer: [on the phone via the auto-dialer] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look-
Ned: [hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
[Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again.]
Ned: Howdily-di-
Homer: Greetings, friends-
Ned: [hangs up] Dang!
Maude: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned: But it could be my mother! [the phone rings] Howdy...
Homer: Greetings, friends...
Ned: [hangs up] Shoot!
Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer: [out his window] Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!

Apu: A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle. A twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-La they are, but not here.

(as Lisa is staring at Nelson batting a beehive)
Lisa (thinking): He's not like anyone I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped an enigma wrapped in a vest. Sure is ugly, though. So why can I stop staring at him? (realizes): Oh, no! I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz!
Nelson (finally gets the beehive off the tree branch): Hey, Willie! Catch the football!
(Groundskeeper Willie goes long as Nelson hurls the beehive)
Groundskeeper Willie: All right, I'll...(runs offscreen and catches the beehive): AHH! OW!

(Nelson receives a note in Krabappel's class)
Nelson (reads the note): "Guess who likes you?"
(Nelson turn around and sees Milhouse arching his eyebrows suggestively)
(cut to everyone in school standing outside as two paramedics wheel out Milhouse [who is now bruised and beaten from Nelson] and take him into the ambulance)
Lisa: Milhouse, I'm so sorry!
Paramedic #1: He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.

Hurricane Neddy [8.08]

Lisa: Dad! I think a hurricane's coming!
Homer: Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed.]
Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wannaa yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

[After the hurricane destroyed the Flanders' house.]
Maude: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.

[Ned snaps after his newly built house collapses and his glasses break.]
Ned: Okaaaay, didlly-idlly-idlly... They tried their best, shodilly-idlly-idlly... Gotta be nice! Hostility-idlly--AW, HELL DIDILLY-DING-DONG-CRAP! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!
[Everyone gasps]
Marge: Ned, we meant well, and everyone here tried their best.
Ned: Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control but we can't blame you because you have GOOD INTENTIONS!
Bart: Hey, back off, Man!
Ned: OH! OK dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, MAN! Hey, here's a catchphrase you'd better learn for your adult years: Hey buddy, GOT A QUARTER?!
[Everyone gasps]
Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything!
Ned: Oh! Do I hear the sound of butting in? It must be little Lisa Simpson: Springfield's answer to a question that NO ONE ASKED!
[Cheif Wiggum laughs]
Ned: What do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law. The last case you got to the bottom of, was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty: Mallomars! That's going in the act.
Ned: Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! (Sees Lenny) And as for you! I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey! I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
Ned: (to Moe) You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I -- Uh, what was the third thing you said?
Ned: (quietly but angrily) Homer...you are the worst human being I have ever met...
Homer:(smiling) Hey, I got off pretty easy...

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09]

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya.

Bart: [talking about Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lis! Is that dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman's really let himself go.

Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about layin' off the insanity peppers I'm way ahead of you.
Coyote: No, I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.
Homer: Yeah, that's me alright. [Wind whistles through as Homer's face goes dull]

[Homer in his dream making a HELP sign with stones, one starts leaving.]
Homer: Hey, buddy, get back here with the other rocks!
[The "rock" reveals it is a tortoise]
Homer: A tortoise? [sees a message it's writing] "Follow the-" *gasp* This must be why I'm here! Follow the what, follow the what? Come on!
[The message says "Follow the tortoise"]
Homer: D'OH! [a cloud of "D'oh!" flies behind]
[The tortoise is walking too slow. Homer gets annoyed]
Homer: [Nudging the tortise with his foot} come on, come on. when i'm kicking you that means you should... GAH!
[Kicks harder which catapults the tortoise far away. Homer follows it to a tiny pyramid. The tortise indicates he wants Homer to climb it.]
Homer: Oh so you want me to go up there? No problemo!
[But before he cand take the first step, it grows several hundred feet high.]
Homer: [whining] Ooohhh! [to the tortoise] This is cause i kicked you isn't it?
[The tortoise nods with a smug look on its face]

[Homer climbs to the top of the pyramid where he finds what appears to be Marge with her back turned.]
Homer: Oh, Marge! Thank God you're here! Where's the car? (no answer) Oh, now what? If you're still mad at me, I'm gonna be really mad!
[Homer goes around to face her, but the figure has no face. Only a perfectly symmetrical tuft of tall blue hair. Homer starts running in circles.]
Homer: What the...hey, come on! Fight fair! I never do this to you!

Homer: Oh, and I bet that talking coyote was just that talking dog.
Dog that Sounds Like Space Coyote: Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate.
Homer: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog!
[Homer looks at the dog which just barks.]
Homer: Damn straight!

[Bart is talking to Lisa at the table]
Bart: So then I says to Mable, I says-
Homer: Hey kids.
Bart: I'll finish this later. Hi, Dad.
Homer: Where's your mother?
Lisa: Out back.
Bart: So anyway I says to Mabel I says...

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man.]
Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?
Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Homer: In your face, space coyote!
Marge: [confused] Space coyote...?

The Springfield Files [8.10]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Homer: I saw this in a movie once about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over 50 and if its speed dropped it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Homer: It was an alien Marge, it appeared in front of me and said "Don't be afraid."
Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No.... well... ten beers!

Frog 1: Bud-
Frog 2: -weis-
Frog 3: -er!
Frog 1: bud-
Frog 2: -weis-
Frog 3: -er!
[An annoyed alligator swallows them whole]
Alligator: Coors!

(Homer and Bart are out camping)

Bart: Yo, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer: Now, son, you don't wanna drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs. Besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story?
(later, Bart has a flashlight underneath his chin as he concludes his horror story)
Bart (in a spooky voice): And that is how much college will cost for Maggie.
Homer: No, no, NO!!

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart: (chuckles) They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
[They both burst into laughter]
Homer: I kill me.

(Homer's describing his close encounter to Chief Wiggum)
Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice--like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night--like Urkel.
Wiggum: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass - I mean, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
(Wiggum types on an imaginary typewriter, humming to himself. Homer glares at him and lets out an exasperated sigh.)
Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
(He gets up and leaves. A guy wearing charred clothing appears, holding a lighter.)
Lighter Guy (to Wiggum): I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Wiggum (sarcastically): Oh, yeah right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
(He goes back to typing and humming.)
Wiggum: (when he's finished) Fruitcake.

Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there, except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.
(Boom mic falls and hits Kent in the head)
Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Phil.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11]

Luanne: Face it! You just can't keep up with the Go-Go Nineties, Marge!

Frank Ormand: You know, you sound like me. The old me. Which was, ironically, the young me!

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
Marge: What's my territory?
Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there! Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!
Marge: Don't forget fat people! They can't stop eating!
Homer: (passing by) Hey! Pretzels!

[Marge refuses to give Fat Tony any of her profits.]
Fat Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where is the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on. So please, the money.

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]
Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.
Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?
Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.
Skinner: I believe it was a... boking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

Mountain of Madness [8.12]

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
(This line is often quoted online as a response to internet flaming.)

Smithers: What time is it?
Bart: Twelve eighty. No wait. What comes after twelve?
Smithers: One.
Bart: No, after twelve.

Lisa: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!

Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!
Burns: Excellent.

Carl (reaching the ranger station): There's no other cabin around for miles. This must be the one Burns was talking about.
Lenny: Well, we made it first, thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork!

Burns: Who knows I might be the one to get fired. (under breath) Not bloody likely.

Marge: Don't worry kids, this is a National Park! We can have lots of fun!
Park Ranger: Oh, I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.
[Long pause]
Park Ranger: Well, uh, see ya.

Smithers (pairing the workers): Simpson...and...Burns?
Homer: Ah.
Homer's brain: Quiet, you fool. You're on the one team that can't possibly be fired.
Homer: Oh.
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?

Homer: Oh, these sure are comfortable chairs.
Burns: Oh yes, sitting--the great leveler. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?

Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say after you've been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, ya weirdo!
(the two laugh, then exchange paranoid glances. They laugh again and then exchange paranoid looks once more.)

Homer: Dear Lord, please protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house.

Burns: What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the plant?
Smithers: 45 seconds.
Burns: And what's our time so far?
Smithers: I don't know, sir, this stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.

Homer: (gasping for air) I think I won.
Burns: Yes, you won alright. You won more than you bargained for.
Homer: WooHoo!!!

Lenny: Did you hear something?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Did I?
Carl: I don't know!

(in the cabin, Burns and Homer stare at each other)
Burns' brain: I'm trapped with a madman. Look at him, staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.
Homer's brain: Unn... look at his eyes! He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way!
Burns' brain (gasp): I know what he's up to! He's thinking of killing me and riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first!

[At the Ranger's Station, Bart comes across a statue of Smokey the Bear with a speaker box in front of it.]
Smokey: Only who can prevent forest fires?
[Beside the statue are two buttons labeled "You" and "Me." Bart presses "You."]
Smokey: You have selected "You," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is "You!"
[Bart kicks the machine.]

Lisa: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! I founda another hurt shrew! I think this one has a twisted ankle!
Smithers: *sigh* Aren't there any healthy animals on this mountain?

Homer: Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know- way richer than Lenny.
Burns: Ah yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Smithers: Well, there's only one name left. Whoever it is will be paired with me. And that person is... Waylon Smithers. Perfect. That's just perfect.

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13]

Bart: Ma, could you get me some milk?
Marge: [feeding Maggie] Can't you get it yourself?
Bart: No, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid. [acts as if he desperately needs something to drink]
Marge: Oh, all right, all right! I'll get your milk. [goes into the kitchen]
Bart: Thank you.
Marge: [from the kitchen] Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?
All: No.
Homer: [Marge returns with Bart's glass of milk] Marge, get me a beer.
Marge: OHHH!
Lisa: Uh, Mom?
Marge: [annoyed] What?!
Lisa: Um, there's a hair in my soup. But I'll just eat around it.
Marge: What kind of hair?
Lisa: Well, it's blue. [produces it] Six feet long.
Bart and Homer: Eeew.
Marge: [gasps] That's MY hair!

Homer: Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial.

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't do anything!
Homer: [Wisely] Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? [Realizes] Hey, wait a minute - he didn't! [Snatches the dollar back]

Pennyfeather: Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you are looking for a nanny.
Marge: Pleased to meet you.
Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire." This is a man in drag! [starts pulling at her hair as if it were a wig] You're frony! Fakey, phony fraud! [runs after her] Gimme those!
Marge: Homer, if you're going to do that to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
Homer: Sorry.
Periwinkle: Hello, I'm Mrs. Periwinkle. [Homer growls and jumps after her]

Kearney: I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids and if they get out of line [smacks fist in palm] -- Pow!
Homer: I like him.
Kearney: Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor?
Homer: I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.
Marge: I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for.
Kearney: [sotto voce] You're tellin' me, you blue-haired witch.
Marge: I heard that!

Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
Homer: Did you say Mary Po-
Shary: No, I definitely did not. I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse, or Monald Muck. Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers.
Grandpa: Put me down for one of each.

Homer: Question one: Do you have any bad habits we should worry about?
Shary: I'm practically perfect in every way.
Homer: So am I. [drinks from a milk carton, scratches his butt, then belches] Question two: Who was your last employer?
Shary: Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
Homer: [whispering] Marge, do we know them?
Marge: No.
Homer: Come on! Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy.
Marge: That's Carl.
Homer: Oh yeah! [back to Shary] So! You worked for Carl, eh?
Bart: Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a Playdude. What do you do? What DO you do?
Shary: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest clap-trap about his waning libido.
Homer: Ooh. She is tough.

Willie: [busking and rapidly stomping his feet] I'm a maniac! MANIAC! That's for sure! And I'm dancing like I've never danced before! [dumps a bucket of water on his head] GAH! That's the stuff! [his audience goes away giving him no applause] Well thank you, you ungrateful bas- Shary Bobbins!
Shary: Hello, Willie.
Lisa: You know her?
Willie: Aye. Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her!
Shary: It's good to see you, Willie.
Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me! [storms off angrily]

Kearney: [As they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in White chapel!
Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

Burns: Bah, humbug.
Shary: Oh, Mr. Burns, I think you'll find all life's problems just float away when you're flying a kite. [gives him one]
Burns: Balderdash. This is the silliest load of... [watches his kite] ...oh, look at it fly! Whee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Look at me, Smithers. [dark clouds gather ominously] I feel practically Superduperfragicalicexpiala-d'oh! [lightning strikes the kite and shocks Mr. Burns, knocking him on the ground] What's this strange sensation in my chest?
Smithers: I think your heart's beating again.
Burns: Oh, that takes me back. God bless you, Shary Bobbins.

Marge: That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker. The kids love her, the house is spotless, and my hair's grown back. It's so full and thick it can support a beach umbrella!

Homer: Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.
Bart: The secret ingredient is blood.
Homer: Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.

Homer: Shary Bobbins, I want another beer.
Shary: Well, you know, Homer [musical intro, Shary starts singing] If there's a job that must be done, You'll find it's much more fun...
Homer: [interrupting] You'll find it's even more fun if you get it for me!
Shary: [continuing] But the beer will taste more sweet, If you get up off your seat...
Bart: Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.
Shary: (as if grumbling) D'oh, re mi...

[Shary is lying on the couch, drunk and depressed, she is clutching a beer bottle]

Shary: [singing] Wasted away again in Magaritas-ville...
Barney: [on the ground wit her; he also sings] Searching for my lost shaker of salt...[spoken] Oh here it is. [begins shaking salt in his mouth]

Bart and Lisa: Good-bye, Shary Bobbins!
Marge: Thanks for everything!
Barney: So long, Superman!

Lisa: Do you think we'll ever see her again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey. [Shary is sucked into a passing plane's jet engine] I'm sure we will.

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14]

Ralph: My knob tastes funny.
Man at survey: Please refrain from tasting the knob.

[a musclebound man in bikini trunks flexes in front of the camera. Nelson presses Milhouse's "approve" button repeatedly]
Milhouse: Hey, quit it!
Meyers: [supervising the results behind the mirror] They like Itchy, they like Scratchy, one kid seems to love the Speedo man... what more do they want?

Man at survey: How many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?
[The kids agree enthusiastically.]
Man: And who would like to see them do just the opposite -- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
[The kids agree enthusiastically.]
Man: So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show...that's completely off-the-wall...and swarming with magic robots?
[The kids agree enthusiastically.]
Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching.
[The light behind the two-way mirror switches on, revealing Roger Meyers, Jr.]
Meyers, Jr.: You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids! 'Cuz you're stupid! Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!!
Ralph: [begins crying and presses the "reject" button] Mommy!
Lisa: Um, excuse me sir, the thing is, there's nothing wrong with Itchy and Scratchy. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters don't have the same impact they once had.
Meyers: That's it. That's it, little girl! You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Lawyer: Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.

Roger Meyers Jr.: [to the Itchy and Scratchy writers] I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to!
[writers look at each other, uncertain]
Bill Oakley: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain't art- it's business! Whaddya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?
Meyers: No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat, dog. [to the writers] D-O-G.
Josh Weinstein: Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?
Lady: In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.
Oakley: You mean Cerberus?
Lady: [short pause]We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?
Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
George Meyer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? [backpedaling] Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
Meyers: Oh, yes. Now, the rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive!
Krusty: Yeah!
[Meyers, Krusty and the Lady leave]
Oakley: So, Poochie okay with everybody? [writers murmur in agreement]

Ned: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of "Impy and Chimpy" I've ever seen!
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer, you, uh... got a beautiful home here.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes voicing my disgust throughout the world.

Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June: Uh, well, uh...
Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].

Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper: Yes.

Homer: Now, kids, I know you liked the old Poochie. [Bart and Lisa look at each other nervously] But the new one is going to better than ten Super Bowls! I don't want to over sell it. Judge for yourself.
[in the cartoon, Itchy is using a rusty chainsaw to cut up Scratchy, who is encased in ice. Poochie appears]
Scratchy: Well look who's here!
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you have something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! [in Roger Meyers's voice dubbed over] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[The animation cell is lifted up, creating the illusion of Poochie moving up in to the sky. A handwritten note appears saying "Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
Bart: Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
Lisa: I guess.
Homer: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double crossed me!
Krusty: Poochie's dead! [audience goes wild] Now kids we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return!
Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]

Homer: So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Marge: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart, and Lisa run upstairs and slam their doors]
Homer: Well at least I liked it, didn't I?
Homer's brain: Oh, you don't want to know what I think. Now look sad and say "d'oh."
Homer: [sadly] D'oh.

Poochie: [rapping]
The name's Poochie-D and I rock the telly
I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli
I'm the kung-fu hippie from gangsta city
I'm a rappin' surfer, you da fool I pity!
Scratchy: [unenthusiastic] Wow, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
Itchy: [unenthusiastic] He's totally in my face.

Poochie: Catch you on the flipside, dudemeisters. Not! And remember, kids, always recycle... TO THE EXTREME!! Busted!

Bart: It's back to the basics, classic Itchy & Scratchy.
Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.
Bart: What else is on?
[Lisa changes the channel.]

Homer's Phobia [8.15]

Skinner: [Looking at political buttons at Cockamamie's] Hmm. These campaign buttons are all partisan. Don’t you have any neutral ones? "May the better man win," "Let's have a good, clean election," that sort of thing?
Cashier: Uh... no, but we do have some old shirt buttons. They’re kind of kooky and fun.
Skinner: Missy, you have just talked yourself right out of a sale!

Marge: Oh, Homer, look. Look, a TV Guide owned by Jackie O!
John: Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle. She thought that Mindy lived with "Mark."
Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!
John: Oh, I know. Wasn't that awful?

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Hmm, I don’t think he’s married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there’s lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn’t John seem a little… festive to you?
Homer: Couldn’t agree more, happy as a clam.
Marge: He prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn’t?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a homo...
Homer: Right...
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: [screams] Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won’t tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
Marge: You’re being ridiculous.
Homer: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.
Marge: I’m very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us all out for a drive today, and we’re going.
Homer: Woah-ho-ho, not me! And not because John’s gay, but because he’s a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he’s... that way.
Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
Homer: You know me, Marge: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming!

[John takes the family on a tour of the sordid side of celebrity Springfield]
John: And that’s where Kent Brockman was caught cheating in the Springfield Marathon.
The Simpsons: Oooh...
[passing in front of a plumbing supplies store]
John: And there’s where Lupe Velez bought the toilet she drowned in.
The Simpsons: Ohhhh!

Smithers: John...
John: Oh, Waylon. I’d like you to meet the Simpsons.
Smithers: I know the Simpsons. [flatly] So this is your "sick mother?"
John: Don’t do this to me, Waylon...

[Bart walks in wearing a flamboyant Hawaiian shirt.]
Homer: Hey, boy, where’d you get that shirt?
Bart: I dunno. Came outta the closet.

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Marge: So?
Homer: There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals, and Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me!
Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn’t be gay?
Homer: Right! Thank you.

John: ...and Helen Lovejoy, sure, she looks blonde, but I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match, if you get my drift.
Marge: I don’t, but I loved hearing it!

John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know! It’s not... usual. If there was a law, it’d be against it!
Marge: Oh, Homer, please! You’re embarrassing yourself.
Homer: No, I’m not, Marge! They’re embarrassing me. They’re embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they’re just, uh...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that’s another thing! I resent you people using that word. That’s our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I’m taking back our word, and I’m taking back my son!

Rosco: I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
Workers: [campy] Halloooooww!
Homer: [screams] Has the whole world gone insane?
Worker 1: [lisping] Stand still! There’s a spark in your hair!
Worker 2: [effeminate] Eek! Get it, get it!
Worker 3: [carrying crucible of molten metal wearing a Speedo] Hot stuff, comin’ through!
Bart: Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: [crying] I don’t know! This is a nightmare! You're all sick!!
Worker 4: Oh, be nice!
Homer: Oh! My son doesn’t stand a chance! The whole world’s gone gay! [klaxon sounds] Oh, my God, what’s happening now?
Rosco: [Everybody Dance Now begins to play] We work hard. We play hard.

Homer: And the whole steel mill was gay!
Moe: Where you been, Homer? The entire steel industry is gay. Eh, aerospace, too, and the railroads. And you know what else? Broadway.

Barney: I always hoped Bart would grow up just like us. What happened?
Moe: Aw, it ain’t no mystery. The whole modern world’s got a swishifying effect on kids today. And their MTVs and their diet sodas ain’t gonna set ’em straight, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.
Homer: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
Moe: Well, let’s see now. Uh, time was you sent a boy off to war. Shooting a man’d fix ’im right up. But there’s not even any wars no more, thank you very much, Warren Christopher!
Barney: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer! That’s like shooting a beautiful man.
Moe: Hey, he’s right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won’t turn him back. And you just sit right back and watch the grandkids roll in.

[Homer and Bart gear up for their hunting trip]
John: Uh oh. Something’s gonna die.
Homer: Butt out, Buttinsky. What would you know about hunting?
John: I know this much: I wouldn’t wear that hideous hat. Here, take this one. It was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari.
Homer: Hang on to it, Toy-Boy! You might need it when it starts raining naked ladies!

Barney: Today, you’re gonna be a man, Bart.
Bart: You guys going to teach me to drive?
Moe: [to Barney] Oh, yeah, let Twinkle Toes drive Betsy. Right.
Homer: [chuckling nervously] No, boy. You can’t drive. You’re only ten. You’re going hunting.
Moe: You ever been hunting before, there, Barty?
Bart: Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods… seems kinda gay.
[awkward silence]
Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man.

[after waiting for hours, Homer, Moe, and Barney have not seen any deer]
Barney: Ahh, we should have just stayed at the bar and shot some rats.
Moe: Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn!

Moe: Cheer up, Homer. You still got that other kid, Lisa. We'll take her hunting and make her into a man.
Homer: She'd never go. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: Oh, jeez Homer, jeez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

Bart: [reindeer are surrounding them] Dad, I'm scared!
Homer: Me too, son! [raises Bart over his head]
Bart: Dad, no! You have to protect yourself!
Homer: Son, there comes a moment in every man's life, where he must- [reindeer begin ramming him]
Bart: Dad, are you hurt?
Homer: Just my bones...and organs!

Marge: You feel softer Homie.
Homer: I've been tenderized!

Barney: Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man...sir?
Moe: I'll do anything you ask. [slyly] Anything.

Homer: Son, maybe it’s the concussion talking, but any way you choose to live your life is okay with me.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: [whispers] He thinks you’re gay.
Bart: He thinks I’m gay?! (Everybody Dance Now, starts playsing. As a shot of John's car drives down the road, the message "DEDICATED TO THE STEEL WORKERS OF AMERICA. KEEP REACHING FOR THAT RAINBOW." appears on screen.)

Brother from Another Series [8.16]

Bart: [seeing Krusty perform at prison] Wow! Those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy
Lisa: And vice versa.

Sideshow Bob: Well, I suppose I should ask what you do if I'm to be working with you.
Cecil: For me, Bob. For me.

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

Cecil: Hello, brother. All's well, I trust?
Sideshow Bob: It most certainly is not. The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they accidentily blew up yesterday.

[Discovering the Simpson children rummaging through his garbage]
Sideshow Bob: You again! Well, that's it! [Sinister] I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago!
[Later at the Simpson house, Marge answers the door to Sideshow Bob]
Sideshow Bob: Madam, your children are no more... than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers! [Pull back to reveal he has them by the ears]
Homer: Even Lisa?
Sideshow Bob: Especially Lisa! But especially Bart! If he crosses me one more time, just once more, then I can't be responsible for my actions!
[Bob storms out dramatically, slamming the door behind him]
Homer: [To Bart and Lisa] Well, I hope Bob fed you, because I ate your dinners.

[Cecil has locked Bob, Bart and Lisa in the dam and leaves to blow it up.]
Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless! Utterly, utterly hopeless!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, "It's hopeless! Utterly, utterly hopeless!"

[Bart leaps on to Cecil and covers his eyes.]
Bart: Guess who!
Cecil: Maris?

Bob: Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?
Cecil: Off the record, yes. But officially, I did it for the money!

[Being unfairly arrested along with Cecil]
Sideshow Bob: But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero!
Cecil: Tell them they'll live to regret this.
Sideshow Bob: [Enraged] You'll live to regret this! [Realizes] Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy!

[Bart is praying and asks God to kill Sideshow Bob.]
Marge: Bart, no!
Bart:It's him or me, oh Lord.
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work!!

My Sister, My Sitter [8.17]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911! Uh, unless it's an emergency!
Lisa: G'bye, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger! (He looks at the tickets and frowns) Aw, crap!

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and...
Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Lisa: Please, please, please!
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (He slams the door.)

Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18]

Kent Brockman: Top o' the morning to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon! Kent O' Brockman reporting live from Main Street, where today where everyone is a little bit Irish, except of course for the gays and the Italians.

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Homer: We're going out Marge. If we don't come back avenge our deaths.
Marge: 'Kay

[Barney drunkenly walks by the ice cream shop window where Banner is sitting.]
Barney: (tapping the glass) HELLO FISHIES!... (belches)
[Banner punches through the window and grabs Barney by the shirt collar.]
Rex Banner: Listen, Rummy, I’m gonna say it plain and simple. Where’d you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerkin’ suds on the side?
Barney: ...Yes?

Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.
Homer: [Faintly, as from a long way away] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: [Faintly] Won't!

[Rex Banner grabs Ned Flanders]
Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Flanders: Well, if you're talkin' about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged!
Banner: (To Lou and Eddie) Hmm, he's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Take him in.
[Banner grabs Comic Book Guy]
Banner: Are you the Baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Banner: Don't crack wise with me, Tubby!
Comic Book Guy: "Tubby?" (Looks down at his belly) Oh, yes. Tubby.
[Homer and Bart walk by with a wheelbarrow full of sour mash, yeast and other spirit making ingredients.]
Homer: Hey, Banner! How's it hangin'?
Banner: None of your business!

Banner: It's not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I'd kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed!

Mayor Quimby: With prohibition repealed, how long will it take you to flood this town with alcohol again?
Homer: Sorry, but I'm not in that business anymore!
Fat Tony: [To Mayor] Four minutes.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

[Marge thinks Homer's idea of secretly shipping beer to Moe's is clever]
Lisa: Mom, prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have to follow...
Homer, Marge, and Bart: Go to your room, Lisa.

Grade School Confidential [8.19]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
Skinner: Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...
Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?
Bart: Mmm-hmm!

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you? (He picks up the telephone) Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.
[Mrs. Wiggum, seated at the table, reaches over and dials the phone.]
Chief Wiggum: Thank you, Sarah!

Maude: I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that placed down!

Skinner: I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago.
[In a quick montage, Skinner locks every door in the school and goes to the roof with a bullhorn.]
Skinner: Attention, Springfield! We have barricaded ourselves in the school and are not coming down until our demands are met.
[However, the only person within earshot is Willie.]
Willie: Willie hears ya. Willy don't care.

Superintendent Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Skinner: We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, no one would like to celebrate your love more than I, but I'm a public servant. I'm not permitted to use my own judgement in any way.
Mrs. Krabappel: [taking phone] Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first - the guy with a bumblebee suit, or the one with a bone through his hair?
Sideshow Mel: [indignant] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

[After Skinner has revealed that he is a virgin]
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, it's clear you've been falsely accused. Because no one... anywhere, ever... would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin.

Bart: Obviously, you two have no experience at causing a scene.

[Skinner exits the school, something strapped to his chest]
Principal Skinner: Attention everybody. I, have a bomb!
Chief Wiggum: Wait a minute, that's not a bomb, those are hot dogs! Armour hot dogs!
Superintendent Chalmers: What kind of man wears Armour hot dogs?

Homer: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall! Why didn't anybody tell me? Now I look like an idiot.

The Canine Mutiny [8.20]

[Bart starts filling out a credit card application he found in the junk mail]
Bart: "Occupation"...hmm...butt doctor. "Income"...whatever I finds, I keeps. "Name"...hmm..."name"..."name"...(sees Santa's Little Helper)...my name is...Santa's Little Helper.

[Bart at the comic book store, with his new credit card]
Bart: Put it all on my credit card, my good man.
Comic Book Guy (examining card): Oh...pardon me, Santos--if that is your real name, Bart Simpson--but your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants and split. (points finger at door)

[Bart reading a catalog he found in a trashcan]
Bart: Hmm..."order by phone"..."1-800"...our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless...

[Lisa walks by Bart's room and sees it filled with new stuff]
Lisa (gasps): Halogen lamps? Kilim rugs? You can't afford this. How can you afford this?
Bart (dismissively): Ah, you've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you those pep pills.
Lisa (rapidly and without pause): What are you talking about? I don't need pep pills to be suspicious. If I want to comment on it, I'll comment on it. Who's going to stop me--you, pep pill boy? Pep boys pills, Beverly sills...(suddenly realizes what's happening to herself and starts walking away)...oh boy. Oh boy. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. (sotto voce) Oh boy. I got to stop taking those pills he gave me. (normal volume) You think you're so great...

[Bart's about to order the dog he read about in the catalog]
Bart: 1,200 bucks?! (pssh) I better just get one.

Homer (walking by absentmindedly): Hi, Marge. Hi, Santa's Little Helper. Hi, kid...hey, that's not Santa's Little Helper!
Marge: That's Laddie. Bart says he won him at a church carnival two towns over.
Lisa (with slight suspicion): In a truth-telling contest, right, Bart?
Bart: Uh, to the best of my recollection, yes.
Homer: Wow, I got to start going to church.

Bart (referring to Laddie): He's trained to do all sorts of stuff. He can herd sheep, and perform CPR.
Marge (reading owner's manual for Laddie): "Some call it the dog that never sleeps, though it actually does...while jogging."
Homer: Geez, that dog has more education than I do. He's some kind of superdog!

[at the dinner table]
Homer: Oh, I don't know about this dog. He's kinda...snooty.
Marge: Homer, are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie?
Homer (eagerly): Do you think he noticed?
(Marge rolls eyes and groans...and then start putting on lipstick herself)

[the Simpsons are walking Laddie at the park]
Lisa: Hey, this park is great! How come we never take Santa's Little Helper here?
Homer: Crowds give him gas.

[Laddie digs a hole in the park]
Bart: Good boy.
[after a moment of hesitation, Bart throws his credit card in the hole and Laddie buries it. The camera pans out to show Fat Tony and his goons throwing a body rolled up in a rug into another hole]
Louie: (to Bart) We didn't see nothin' if you didn't see nothin'.

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?
Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

Homer (angrily): You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!

Homer: (to crying Bart) There, there. Shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog.
Bart: But, I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper!
Homer: Well, crying isn't going to bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart (determinedly): You're right. I'll do it. (goes out to find dog)
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Bart: I'm going to find the dog.
Homer: Good dog or bad dog?
Bart: Bad dog.
Homer: Oh good

Moe: You gotta give me back my floor! My customers are walking around on the pipes!
Repo Depot clerk: Hey, next time pay your bills.
Moe: But, I don't want to! (leaves)
Bart (shows photo of Santa's Little Helper): Excuse me, sir. Did you repossess this dog, formely belonging to a guy named Santos L. Halper?
Repo Depot clerk: Hmm. Yeah, yeah, I remember this mutt. We, uh, sold him to some guy wearing a dress.
(scene cuts to Patty)
Patty: No, I didn't buy your dog. I got to go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band-aid.

Groundskeeper Willie (with heavy accent): Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him!
(Bart gasps as Willie takes bites on a drumstick of meat)
Groundskeeper Willie: I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking! So I gave him to the church.
Bart (relieved): Oh, I see. You hate him so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
(Bart turns around and stares at Willie)
Groundskeeper Willie: You heard me.

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

Bart: So, that's my plan. I'm gonna break in to the blind man's yard and swipe the dog.
Lisa (disapprovingly): Bart, that is a new low.
Bart: Hey, I'm not saying it's going to be a dance around the maypole.
Lisa (arms crossed): Well, I won't tell Mom and Dad, but only because I want the dog back. Just try not to freak out the blind man.
Bart: I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try.

Bart (pleadingly): I miss him so much, and I know you like him, but I like him too and he was mine first, and I know I don't deserve him, but...
blind man: So what this comes down to is, you want a blind man to give up his only companion?
Bart: Yes, please.

Officer Lou (sniffs bag of something Laddie found on blind man): Marijuana.
Chief Wiggum: Well, I guess he didn't like you after all. He just smelled your narcotics. Book him, boys.
Office Eddie: Hold on, Chief. It might be medicinal.
Blind Man: Uh...yeah, m-medicinal. I...without it, I could, uh...go even...blinder. Right?

Milhouse: Wow Bart, Laddie's great, way better than your old dog
Bart: Really? I guess I was the only one that loved him
Milhouse: You got that right, remember the time he ate me goldfish and you lied to me and said I never had a goldfish? Then why'd I have the bowl Bart? Why. Did I Have. The Bowl??

The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21]

[Homer is in hospital following a massive heart attack brought about by Lisa's rejection of a massive royalties check from Mr. Burns]
Homer: It's all right. I understand. But we really could've used that twelve thousand dollars.
Lisa: Um, Dad, ten percent of 120 million dollars isn't twelve thousand dollars. It's -
[Cut to hospital corridor as a siren blares]
Loudspeaker: Code Blue! Code Blue!

Mr. Burns: Family, religion, friendship: These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Mr. Burns: "The whole plant is environmentally sound. It's powered by old newspapers, machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected." (to Barney) "Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows!"
Barney: "I know you told me. And when I woke up this morning, I said, 'Barney, you're not gonna lick that-'"

Barney: Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates?
Mr. Burns: Oh, my, no! I'm Monty Burns.

Homer: See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals?
Bart: (whining)I'll do it this afternoon!

Burns: People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by! (the old folks begin working faster)
Grampa: Oh, hot-diggity! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!

Mr. Burns: Ooh don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel. (Lisa looks unimpressed) With enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.
Lisa: There's a can.

Lisa: You haven't changed at all! You're still evil and when you try to be good, you're even more evil!
Mr. Burns: I don't understand. Pigs need food, engines need coolant, dynamiters need dynamite. I'm supplying it to them at a tiny profit...and not a single sea creature was wasted. (very creepy) You inspired it all...Li'l Lisa.

Bret "Hitman" Hart: Eww! This place has got old man stink!
Mr.Burns: Ooh.
Smithers: Don't mind him, sir. You have an enchanting musk.

(When Lisa asks him about recycling)
Mr. Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

Mr. Burns: (checking his stocks) Ah, right where I left off September, 1929 ... oh... oh no... Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?!
Smithers: Um, well...sir, it happened twenty-five years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!

Skinner: (After receiving the recycling money) 32 cents! But that won't even cover the gas that I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles!
Recycling Hippie: Sounds like you're working for your car. Simplify...man...

Lenny (at Burns' desk, he activates the PA): Uh, attention everyone... (pauses) Um, work harder! Bye! (sits back)

Mr. Burns: (addressing Homer at the Simpsons' front door) Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns and I want your daughter to help make me rich again.
Homer: You mean Maggie? (Maggie stares at Mr. Burns and gestures her hand like a gun aimed at him)
Mr. Burns: Ahh -- the baby who shot me -- no, I was referring to your other daughter.

Mr. Burns:(Mr. Burns takes down his self-portrait and approaches Bret) Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times?
Bret Hart Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck GEEK?!
Mr. Burns Yes. Why indeed.

Lisa: "Mr. Burns, does your plant have a recycling program?"
Mr. Burns: "Re-sy-hling?"

In Marge We Trust [8.22]

Mr. Sparkle: I am disrespectful to dirt! Can you not see that I am serious?

Mr. Sparkle: Join me or die! Can you do any less?

Marge: One at a time, one at a time! Now, who's first?
Sideshow Mel: I'm having a reoccuring dream where I'm falling!

Moe: Is Reverend Lovejoy in?
Marge: No, this is... the Listen Lady!
Moe: Yeah, well listen, lady.

Homer: Why am I Mr. Sparkle?

Mr. Sparkle: (Japanese Commercial) For Lucky Best Wash, Use Mr. Sparkle!

Ned Flanders: I think I may be coveting my own wife!

(Two Japanese tourists are at the zoo where reverend Lovejoy and the Simpsons search for Ned)
Japanese tourist: (notices Homer, who has a more-than-slight resemblance to a japanese corporation mascot) (Gasp) Mista Spakuru! Mista Spakuru!
Homer: Konnichiwa.

Ned Flanders: I'm meek...but I could stand to be meeker.

Ned Flanders: I think I swallowed a toothpick!

Rev. Lovejoy: After a while, I just stopped caring. Of course, by then it was the eighties, so no one noticed.

Seymour Skinner: I'm not principal of the line, Mother!
Agnes Skinner: And you never will be.

Akira (talking on the phone, checking things off on a list) Hai. Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. (turns to Homer, Bart, and Lisa) Hi.

(Homer pretends to be "working" on the bed to avoid going to church)
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for one hour of your time each week!
Homer: Well, he should have made one hour more during the week! Lousy God!

Homer's Enemy [8.23]

Homer: So, how's it going, Grimey?
Grimes: I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson.
Homer: [laughs] Wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
[Homer walks around idly, humming and singing.]
Homer: Take me out to the ball-game, take me out to the ballll... So, what's new, Grimey?
[Alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station]
Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13! [Homer glances at his watch] No, a 5-13! In your procedures manual? A 5-13? [Homer stares at his watch again] Look at your control panel!
Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
[Homer goes into his office and pours water on his control panel, shorting out the console and alarms]
Homer: That got it.
[Grimes stares flabbergasted through his window.]

Frank Grimes: Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and meltdowns have tripled! Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no!
Lenny: Everyone makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

Frank Grimes: God. He eats like a pig.
Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
Frank Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook.
Lenny: Yeah, he had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.
Frank Grimes: I've never seen him do any work around here. What is his job?
Lenny: Safety inspector.
Frank Grimes: That irresponsible oaf?! A man who by all rights should have been killed dozens of times by now?!
Lenny: Umm, 316 times by my count.
Frank Grimes: That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It boggles the mind!
Carl: Yeah, it's best not to think about it.

Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
Homer: No, I won't accept that.
Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.
Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.
Homer: Oh, what’ll I do Moe?
Moe: Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner? Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then, when he’s not expecting it... [stab gesture] Bam! The ol' fork-in-the-eye!
Homer: Do you think it might work without the fork-in-the-eye?
Moe: There's always a first time.

Frank Grimes: [seeing the Simpsons' house] Good Heavens! This is a palace! How can.. How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
Homer: I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.
Grimes: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work?
Homer: [sitting in car, in the driveway] The car won't start. I don't feel very good today. I am at work.
Marge: You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there aren't you?
Homer: Wha? That's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road! [honks the horn]
Marge: You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are.
Homer: No he won't, he hates me.
Marge: He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily, and it's been so difficult for him.
Homer: Yeah, yeah that's his problem, he's a nut! It's not about me being lazy; it's about him being a crazy nut!
Marge: Well... maybe... But I'll bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more... professional in your work.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Just a little more, then he won't have any reason to resent you.
Homer: I'll do it! To professionalism! [begins drinking a beer]

Frank Grimes: Homer is not okay! I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six year old!
Lenny: [to Carl, ignoring Frank] So, how are you doing?

Homer: Design your own power plant? This is a chance for everyone to see how professional I am. [to a framed photo of Lenny] Lenny, tell Mr. Burns I've gone home to work on the contest.
[Grimes watches through a window as Homer enters his car, laughing manically until Homer backs out and smashes Grimes' car]
Frank Grimes: Oh God!

[At the power plant contest, Martin brings in an impressive nuclear power plant model]
Martin: Behold! The power plant of the future...today!
Mr. Burns: [shudders] It's cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
Martin: But it really generates power! It's lighting this room right now!
[Martin turns a knob and the lights in the room dim]
Mr. Burns: You lose! Get off my property!

Frank Grimes: [disgusted that Homer is not being chastised for entering a children's contest] But... this was a contest for children!
Lenny: Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out.

Bart: [calling from outside a window of his factory] Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory?
Milhouse: You don't have a factory.
Bart: Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not?
Milhouse: Okay!

Homer: Hiya, Stretch. What's the good word?
Frank Grimes: My name is Grimes, Uh, Simpson, Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name. The least you can do is, learn mine.
Homer: Okay, Grimey.
Frank Grimes: Uh, you're eating my special dietetic lunch.
Homer: Huh? [Grimes points to his name on the paper bag] Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry.
Frank Grimes: The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future.
Homer: Check.
[Homer takes two more bites of Grimes' sandwich and puts it back in the bag. Grimes crumbles it up and throws the bag into the garbage]

Homer: This dinner has to be absolutely perfect if Grimey and I are to be friends. So Marge, be perfect.
Marge: Okay.
Homer: Bart, perfect! Lisa, perfect! [to Maggie] Other kid, perfect!

Grimes: I'm peeing on the seat, gimme a raise!

Grimes: I eat like a slob, but nobody minds because I'm HOMER SIMPSON!

Grimes: Oh hi, Mr. Burns, I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster.

Grimes: I don't need to do my work 'cause someone else will do it for me! D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!

Homer: Hey Grimey, you O.K.?
Grimes: I'm better than O.K.....I'm Homer Simpson!
Homer: PSHH You Wish!

Grimes: I'm saying, you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible... and you leech off decent hard-working people, like me! If you lived in any country in the world, you'd have starved to death long ago!
Bart: He's got you there, Dad.
Grimes: You're a fraud, a total fraud [leaves, then briefly comes back through the front door, turning to the rest of the family] It was nice meeting you.

Grimes: What's this? "Extremely high voltage"? Well, I don't need safety gloves because I'm Homer Simp— [grabs the wires, electrocuting himself]

Homer: [sleeping] Aw, change the channel, Marge.
Lenny: Ha ha ha, that's our Homer.
[Everyone starts to laugh as Grimes' coffin is lowered into the grave.]

[Homer is about to drink a vial of Sulfuric Acid. Frank knocks it away and onto the wall, dissolving it.]
Grimes: You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!
Homer: Acid, eh? Gee, that would have been stupid! Boy, would my face have been red! [laughs]
Grimes: Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don’t you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?!

[Bart comes to his factory, terrified to see that it collapsed.]
Bart: Aw gee, Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started to fall over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow. I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.
[Hundreds of rats leave the rubble and enter Moe's Tavern.]
Moe: [from inside] Okay, everyone. Tuck your pants into your socks.

Homer: Hi Grimey old buddy.
Grimes: I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you, in fact I hate you. Stay the hell, away from me, because from now on, we're enemies.
Homer: Ok. Do I have to do anything?

Grimes: [to Homer] You're a fraud, Simpson, a fraud. [to Marge and the kids] It was nice meeting you.

The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24]

Chief Wiggum: Ah, New Orleans. The Big Easy. Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy.

Ralph Wiggum: Look, Big Daddy, it's Regular Daddy!
Big Daddy: The Chief! I suppose it's best to run'! Lord, I wish I weren't so fat.

Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You wear 'em till you learn son.

Barney: Well, I gotta go. I got a date with the lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things. [leaves]
Moe: She told me she was washing her hair tonight. [Sigh] I'm so desperately lonely.
[Canned audience laughter]

Kearney: [complaining about the Love Tester] It said I was gay!

Grampa: [complaining to Homer as a soul in a Love Tester] You buried me naked and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table. What kind of a son—
Homer: [unplugs the Love Tester] Call me when you get a karaoke machine.
[Moe plugs in the love tester]
Grampa: That's the second time he's pulled the plug on me.

Moe: I need help here.
Grampa: [as a soul in a Love Tester] Tell her her rump's as big as the Queen's, and twice as fragrant.
Moe: ...Okay. [leaves, then comes back suddenly, covered in escargot] You are absolutely, positively, the dumbest haunted love tester that I have ever met!

[Betty tries the Love Tester]
Grampa: Lovelorn. You need man. Moe near now. Go near Moe.
Betty: What?
Moe: "Go near Moe." I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement.

Grampa: Ladies like sweet-talking.
Moe: Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.
Grampa: Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door.
[Homer suddenly enters the bar to the applause of the studio audience]
Homer: Greetings!

Big Daddy: You know, boys, there's an old saying down on the bayou that... uh... Hah!
[He throws Ralph at Chief Wiggum and jumps out the window.]
Skinner: He's gradually getting away Chief! [points at Big Daddy who is swimming very slowly]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]
Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Bart: Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.
Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!

Moe and Betty: Thanks, Grampa!
Grampa: Yeah, yeah, now how's about introducing me to that cute little pay phone out front?

Marge: Please welcome our guest, Tim Conway!
Homer: What's a Tim Conway?
Tim Conway: About 120 pounds.

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25]

Bart: Military school!? You guys lied to me!
Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school!"

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!
Cadet #2: Don't worry; we'll drive her out of the academy! That's why God invented hazing!

[The cadets make Bart and Lisa do push-ups during a rainstorm.]
Cadet: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
Lisa: Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
[The cadets huddle together to discuss this. Finally...]
Cadet #2: No!

[Lisa successfully crosses "The Eliminator."]
Lisa: (elated, with her arms up) I did it! You thought I couldn't but I can and I did and I could do it again! Let's do it again!
[Bart hugs her.]
Bart: Way to go, Lis! You did it! You can put your arms down now.
Lisa: I can't, they're stuck!


Season 9

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope... [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!
Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

Homer: Look at me, I'm Peter Pantsless.

Homer: And that's when the C.H.U.D.s came after me.

Homer: All right, New York, I'm comin' back! But you're not gettin' this! [throws his wallet in the fire]
Lisa: Dad, our baby pictures were in there.
Homer: Don't you start!

Marge: [on a bus to New York] Wake up everyone, we're almost there!
[Everybody wakes up.]
Bart: That took too long. How come we had to transfer to Atlanta twice?
Lisa: I just think we should have paid the extra dollar-fifty and gotten a bus with restrooms!

Barney: All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova... or maybe it was a street corner.

[The bus arrives in New York. The family looks out the windows, amazed.]
Marge: It's wall-to-wall landmarks! The Williamsburg bridge! 4th Avenue! Governor's island!
Bart: Look, it's ZZ Top! [leans out the window and shouts] You guys rock!
Hasidic Jew: Eh, maybe a little...

[Homer tries to loosen a car boot by gnawing on it, and fails.]
Tower 1 Man: [shouting out a window from one of the Twin Towers] Hey! When you're done with that, I got something up here you can bite on!
Tower 2 Man: [shouting out a window from the second Tower] Hey, why don't you be polite you stinkin' pusbag?! [to Homer] Pal, ya gotta call the number on that boot. Sorry 'bout that guy, they stick all the jerks in Tower 1.
Tower 1 Man: That's it! I'm comin' over there!
Tower 2 Man: Yeah, why don't you come over here, I got something for you!
Man: [drying his laundry between the two towers] Shut up, the both of youse!

[Homer calls the number on the car boot on his car.]
Female Voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plead not guilty, press 1 now.
[Homer presses 1]
Female Voice: Thank you. Your plea has been-
Male Voice: [dubbed over] Rejected.
Female Voice: You will be assessed the full fine, plus a small-
Male Voice: [dubbed over] Large lateness penalty.
Female Voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. for Parking Officer Steve-
Male Voice: [dubbed over] Grabowski.
Homer: Oh, they expect me to sit here from nine to five?! That's...how many hours? (looks at watch) Ten, eleven, denominator...

Bart: [going into MAD Magazine] Excuse me, is this MAD Magazine?
Secretary: No, it's Mademoiselle. We're buying our sign on the installment plan.
Bart: My name is Bart Simpson, my father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.
Secretary: Listen, kid. You probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there, but this is just a place of business.
Bart: [dejected] Oh, okay.
[Just as Bart is about to leave, Alfred E. Newman pokes his head into the lobby, revealing a whole lot of chaos inside.]
Alfred: Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I want to see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Blecch"! [Bart's jaw drops] And where's my fershluggen pastrami sandwiches?!
Bart: Wow. I'll never wash these eyes again.

[Homer makes a mad dash for the elevator in Tower 1 and shoves an old rich lady out of his way.]
Old Rich Lady: [indignantly] How frightfully rude! I certainly hope someone stabs him in the eye!

[Homer sees a policeman putting a ticket on his car, while he is in the bathroom on top of the World Trade Center]
Homer: D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!! [echoes throughout the city]

Homer: That's it! I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!

[Homer, waiting at his car for a police officer buys something called "Khav Kalash" from a street vendor.]
Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: Mountain Dew, or crab juice.
Homer: Blech, oh, jeez! I'll take a Crab Juice.

Homer: [after downing several crab juices] Uh-oh. [to vendor] Uh... you got a men's room in there?
Vendor: Only Khav Kalash! [pointing to the World Trade Center] Men's room in tower. Tower! Observation deck!

[Homer gets an idea how to get the boot off of his car after seeing a worker with a jackhammer]
Homer: Ah ha! I've got it! Brain, how can I ever thank you?
Homer's Brain: Just don't bump me on your way out of the car.
[Homer gets out of his car, bumping his head on the way out]
Homer: Sorry.

Bart: [inside Statue of Liberty] to a boatload of immigrants] Hey, immigrants! Beat it! Country's full!
Sailor: OK folks, you heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.
[All the immigrants moan and go back under the deck.]

The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

Superintendent Chalmers: Good lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!

Lisa: Ralph and I could do the report together.
Ms. Hoover: Your funeral.

Homer's brain: [after Skinner has been revealed as an imposter] Keep looking shocked...and move slowly towards the cake.

[Marge is in the express line at a grocery store talking about the new Skinner.]
Edna Krabappel: Is this the line for people who want to badmouth Sergeant Skinner,
Marge: And have 10 items or less.
Edna: [tossing out items] 12, 11, 10. The man's a weenie!
Marge: Now be fair Edna, I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner
Edna: But he was our weenie

Agnes Skinner: I have no son!
Homer: Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son.
Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud!

Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Grandpa: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
Homer: Fair enough.

Superintendent Chalmers: Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over! Now let us welcome our new Principal Skinner... Principal Seymour Skinner! [audience is confused, Chalmers points to Sgt. Skinner] Uh, him.

Skinner: From now on, you'll see a new Seymour Skinner!
Agnes: Oh, no; we won't!
Skinner: Yes, Mother.

Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored beverine?
Chalmers: Yeah, I take it gray with creamium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
Willie: It's my twentieth year, too.
Chalmers: [rolling his eyes] The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.

Lisa: So, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
Lisa: And he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.
Homer: Or crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

Lisa's Sax [9.03]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]
Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
Homer & Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then...
Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben"...
Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer: "Disco Duck" and Fleetwood Mac...
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black...Those were the daaayyyys!

[Marge and Homer are singing the "All in the Family Opening" again]

Homer: Bart was feeling mighty blue...
Marge: It's a shame what school can do...
Apu: [appears also singing] For no reason, here's Apu...
Homer, Marge, & Apu: Those were the daaaaaays

Teacher: So you see, children, there is hope for anyone.
Young Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No.

Homer: Hey Meathead, what are ya watching?
Bart: I'm checking the Warner Bros network.
[TV shows Michigan J frog singing & dancing in front of the logo]
Michigan J Frog: [singing] We're proud to present on the WB, Another bad show that no one will seeeeeeeee!!! [stops with raspy voice] I need a drink!

[Fuyvish Finkel plays Krusty the Klown in a TV movie.]
"Krusty": Chan Ho, your mother Mia and I are getting a divorce.
Chin Ho: Chan Ho is over there. I am Chin Ho.
"Krusty": Whoever you are, just pass it along, kid.

Principal Skinner: Welcome kindergarteners. I'm Principal Sinner--sst--Skinner. [the children laugh] Well that's it, I've lost them forever.

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]
Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

Homer: So, what do you like, Lisa? Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?
[Lisa points to a saxophone]
Homer: Ooh, saxo-ma-phone!

Inscription on old sax: TO LISA, NEVER FORGET THAT YOUR FATHER HOMER LOVES [Homer drops the sax on his foot] D'OH!
Inscription on new sax: DEAR LISA, MAY YOUR NEW SAXAPHONE BRING YOU YEARS OF [Homer again drops the sax on his foot] D'OH!

Homer: Oh... but Marge, am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Yeah, not to mention looking like a pig, eating like a pig...
Apu: Don't forget the smell.
Homer: Will you get off my front lawn?
Apu: Why don't you make me?
Homer: Why! Oh, I give up.

Grandpa: The year is nineteen-aught-six! The President is the divine Miss Sara Bernhardt! And all over America, people were doing a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"! [singing] "Oh, I'm the-" [falls asleep standing up]

[Bart has made a very negative drawing]
Marge: Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!
Homer: [still watching TV] Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
Marge: Homer, stop. Will you please look at the drawing?
Homer: Oh, all right. What...[looks at the drawing and screams] Burn it! Send it to Hell!
Marge: I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
Homer: [sobbing] Get it away!

[The Simpsons are talking with the school counselor about Bart's struggling in school.]
Dr. Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge: Bart's gay?
Dr. Pryor: Bart? Ah... oof. Wrong file.
[Dr. Pryor puts a file marked "Milhouse Van Houten" back onto the rack.]

Marge: I cannot believe this! I'm trying to give our daug