8-Bit Theater

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There is one thing that matters—to set a chime of words tinkling in the minds of a few fastidious people.
Logan Pearsall Smith
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8-Bit Theater (also spelled 8-Bit Theatre) is a sprite comic created by Brian Clevinger based on the game Final Fantasy I. It launched in March 2001. The plot of the comic roughly parallels the course of the game, following the four Light Warriors in their quest to vanquish the King of Demons, Chaos. However, the comic is not a serious epic; much of 8-Bit Theater's humor is derived from the blunderings and misadventures of the protagonists and their foes.

See Also: Brian Clevinger

Light Warriors

Fighter McWarrior

  • I like swords.[1][2][3]
  • Sword-chucks, yo![4]
  • Did you know that neither Mr Pibb nor Dr Pepper use the little dot thingie for their abbreviations?[5]
  • I wrote Princess Sara a haiku of love. Here it is! "I like swords, and I like sword-chucks, but I like you very, very much!" [6]
  • Jump overboard! It's the only way to save yourself from the sea-monsters! [7]
  • Isn't it ironic to yell the word silence?[8]
  • I trust Black Mage 'cause he told me to.[9]
  • I love you phallic-sword worshipping warrior woman. Take me.[10]
  • D'you ever wonder if clouds see shapes in the ground? Because I wonder about that a lot. [11]
  • Also, I can block any attack and kill anything that bleeds. Hint.
  • I like swords, it's a fact. I like cheese, it's a fact. I like swords made out of cheese, it's a mystery.
  • I bet in heaven, they let you eat cookies for breakfast every day!

Black Mage Evilwizardington

  • I've got Black Magic, a hair trigger, and a short fuse, bring it![12]
  • We're about to witness an inverse relationship between the number of stab wounds I inflict on you and the number of answers you start giving me.[13]
  • The problem with guards is that they are too inquisitive for their own good. That and the clean up afterwards is always such a bitch.[14]
  • This is the most pathetic battle ever. Let's never, never, never talk about it again.[15]
  • I cooked the turkey with Fire-3 set to volcanic for 6 seconds. It was dead for the last five.[16]
  • Well, at least I shall die as I have lived. Completely surrounded by morons.[17]
  • We have clearly reached the point where only rampant and unchecked stabbing can save us. And my first act as self-appointed stabmaster is to slay my comrades.[18]
  • ...So you see, by allowing me to kill you three, I'll be able to at least die with some dignity... and a smile.[19]
  • Elfland? Mo' like Pansy Land.[20]
  • (in written a note) To whomsoever may miss that family of campers: At least they will always live in your memory. P.S. But since everyone knows that's not really living, it may be more accurate to say they are very, and forever, dead.[21]
  • Astos? Mo' like yo' ass is toast! [22] (Note that this line was so bad that it actually killed Astos)
  • (On the subject of Hell) In hell, we ate the souls of sinners marinated in their own sin. It was bliss.
  • What a beautiful day. I feel completely rejuvenated. Especially in that I've got a new Hadoken for the day so don't try anything especially stupid way.[23]
  • It's not you, baby. It's your knockers. I know those robes are supposed to emphasize your chaste modesty, but dyamn, girl.[24]
  • Can we kill him now? He's a Goth, it's what he wants.[25]
  • You don't really practice bleeding to death from six dozen stab wounds. It's just gonna happen.[26]
  • I should have mentioned this at the beginning. I solve my problems through violence. [27]
  • Infinite nothingness sucks.[28]
  • I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CASTS THE SPELLS THAT MAKES THE PEOPLES FALL DOWN![29]

Prince Thief of Elfland

  • (on "Super Ultra Fine Print") I invented it. It's called "Super Ultra Fine Print". I own the copyright, you owe me a quarter just for reading it![30]
  • Oh, Black Mage. You and your paranoid delusions. "These are Dark Warriors." "White Mage likes me." "Thief is trying to rob us of our very souls."[31]
  • What's it like to walk through life without any sense of personal responsibility? To think nothing of expecting an elite cadre of warriors to attend to your every whim and worry no matter its insignificance. Tasks so important that they must delay the work of men responsible for ensuring that the sun will rise again - yet they are tasks that you cannot be bothered with personally as it may interfere with your schedule of rigorous masturbation.[32]
  • Well, Red Mage had a stupid idea, and I'm making it better with my cunning. The short version: By default or murder, we're about to own a flying castle.[33]

Red Mage

  • Dun Dun Dunn![34][35][36][37]
  • (on Vilbert) Well, he stopped reciting awful poetry, so you either pierced his gothicular membrane or his heart.[38]
  • For +3 endurance, I'd wear my own underwear over my armor.[39]
  • Shut up. I've been hanging out with Fighter all day. I could literally feel him sucking away at my... brain-thinky score thing.[40]
  • Show me something that beats a natural twenty and I'll show you hateful lies![41]
  • If we disguise ourselves as dragon-food, we could take [the dragon] by surprise.[42]
  • Okay, we can make this work in our favor. Remember, genius! [43]
  • In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed.[44]
  • I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon hours of whining will.
  • My plans are always practical! It's the laws of physics that get in the way of my success.
  • By simply altering my other stats, I can channel their points into my intelligence score, thus making me phenomenally smart![45]
  • Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage![46]

White Mage

  • Excuse me. Do you carry any restraining order spells?[47]
  • Why do I get the horrible feeling that I was better off with that psychotic mage and his friends?[48]
  • (to Black Mage) You are simply a horrible little monster and I pray for your quick and merciful death.[49]
  • Black Belt! Hit Sir Armor of Gothic here until he stops thinking conscious thoughts.[50]
  • No, Black Belt. Why would I be upset that your pathological inability to follow so much as the most obvious of trails turned a simple tailing into the Jungle Crawl of No Escape.[51]

Sarda

  • I have the sneaking suspicion that I don't mind making dinner after all and will therefore abstain from meddling with the fabric of existence any further.[52]
  • Well, I've grown a mustache. That's two weeks down. Just 14 billion years to go. Wish I had a deck of cards.[53]
  • Yea, is it not written, "With great power comes great authority, but absolute power rocks absolutely"?[54]
  • I could say it's your destiny. That the fate of the world is written with your every deed. Or I could inform you that the ship is on autopilot and I'll fill your lungs with taffy if you mess with it.[55]

Other Warriors

Berserker Axinhed

  • Just because I fly into a blind, homocidal rage at the drop of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life. [56]
  • Great Moradin's beard! I don't mean to alarm you, sir, but there seems to be an axe lodged in your head, elf. [57]

Cleric

  • Oh, I'm sure you're thinking of some other god. The one I met gave me this healing shiv.[58]
  • (to Thief) Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it. [59]

Rogue

  • I know a guy.

Dark Warriors

Garland

  • I, GARLAND, WILL uh... KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN![60]
  • Yes, soon the planets shall be in alignment with the ley lines of evil and I will usher in a new era of painful... erm, suffering and uh... discomfort in general.[61]
  • DAMN YOU, FOREST IMPS! YOU'VE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE FOR TOO LONG! You will pay. Oh yes, you will pay.[62]
  • Let's not bicker, gentlemen. Remember, you can't hug with medieval arms.[63]

Bikke the Pirate

  • (to Garland, after he finds a penny) And ye badguy voice be as vicious as the stormy sea, so says me. (Hey, that rhymed, yar.)...[64]
  • Aye! They be like a thorny thorn in ye sidey side.[65]
  • Be ye makin' fun of my accent, sonny-jim? Yar.[66]
  • Be this six hundred, or pineapple?

Drizz'l

  • Whoa! Look out, Captain Obvious! There's a new... uh... a new stating the overtly apparent... man. Here. Right now. So, be careful! For your status as obvious-talking-guy is in danger over there. Ha! [67]
  • I could feel my brain contracting from your sheer stupidity. [68]
  • My Big Bad True Ancient Guardian of the Cave is going to beat you guys up so fast it'll be mentioned in the Elfland Journal of Science as a breakthrough experiment in faster-than-light theory. [69]
  • Not terribly sweet or at all merciful Llolith, are all humans born this way?! [70]
  • I don't have proof so much as a wild conjecture and furious paranoia. But that's what they want me to think.

Vilbert Von Vampire

  • Mom! How many times must I ask you to refer to me by my dark name of the damned?[71]
  • "Ode to Mine Suffering," by Vilbert. My life is torment. Who are you, misunderstander? My life is torment. What are you, mean bully jock? My life is torment. What is a soul, if not a bowl of pain? A bowl of pain. A bowl of pain.[72]
  • My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos.[73]

The Four Fiends

Lich, Fiend of Earth

  • Death is the natural state of all being. Life is the aberration. It is fleeting, and full of pain. Come, embrace the eternity in nothing![74]
  • If I still had to consume food, I would feast upon your entrails, tonight.[75]
  • Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back.[76]

Kary, Fiend of Fire

  • (Regarding her lack of minions) How can this be? I have a host, a legion of foul beasts summoned from the ashes of a thousand evil fires burning from a thousand evil trees stolen from the evil forest of Bunny Town! [77]
  • I have to make sure no one thinks I'm slacking on this evil gig. I'm a Fiend of Fire. Killing people with combustion is going to happen.[78]

Ur (Kraken), Fiend of Water

  • Oh, man, what a smell in that thing. Horrible. Anyway! You guys ordered an Apocalypse, if I'm right.[79]
  • Let's get some doom up ins. [80]
  • Watch what happens when you dissolve all the electrons from a body of solid matter.[81]

Muffin (Tiamat), Fiend of Air

  • Moron. I never owned an invisible sky castle. Just that regularly visible one over there.[82]

Other characters

Giant

  • (having been launched as a projectile) Target acquired. Squishing will be imminent. I wouldn't mind it so much if the fall wasn't just long enough for me to contemplate the ethical implications of being used as a weapon of mass destruction.[83]

King Steve

  • Well, my dad was king, so now I'm king. But now that I think about it, genetics is not a very good system of determining executive power. Even the most capable and caring and beloved leader--much less my greedy, thieving father--can have an incompetent son so mindbogglingly stupid that he could singlehandedly flush the world's greatest nation down the sewer before the populace at large has a chance to notice--which is exactly what the Cornerian Press used to say about me before I decreed that it was the civic duty of the press to never, ever question my rule, which I then also decreed to be absolute and perfect. So now even thinking that I'm not a perfect and benevolent ruler is crime. So now I can do crazy stuff like drill for Mana in Endangered Species Forest. Weee! [84]

Princess Sara

  • (to Garland) What part of this whole villain thing do you not understand?! [85]
  • If you see Garland, let him know that I will personally carve the word "agony" over every inch of his flesh with a rusty knife.[86]
  • No, Dad. I'm afraid that the curse you're thinking of has a much more literal and much less metaphorical history attached to it.[87]

Conversations

Episodes 1-100

  • Fighter: (After being pummelled by a giant) Kill me.
    Black Mage: Tempting, but I need you for a human shield... I mean, travelling companion. Yeah.[88]
  • Black Mage: What the hell are you doing!
    Fighter: I'm taunting them about the incredible power at your disposal.
    Black Mage: You idiot! I can only cast that spell once a day. I've got nothing left!
    Fighter: Well, why didn't you say something sooner?
    Black Mage: God, I hate you.[89]
  • Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
    Fighter: I like swords.
    Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
    Fighter: I like swords.
    Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
    Fighter: I like swords.
    Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
    Fighter: I like swords.
    Guard: Welcome to Corneria.
    Fighter: I like swords.
    Black Mage: Urge to destroy world rising.[90]
  • Black Mage: I was wondering, and this may sound strange but just bear with me, are you from Venus?
    White Mage: Er... no, why?
    Black Mage: 'Cause, baby, yer ass is outta dis world![91]
  • Black Mage: You don't happen to work at the UPS, do you?
    White Mage: Uh... no.
    Black Mage: 'Cause I coulda swore I saw you checkin' out my package![92]
  • White Mage: Come on now, guys. Let's settle this like adults.
    Red Mage: Lie about your saving roll?
    Thief: Steal from the elderly because they can't fight back?
    Black Mage: Blast a highly populated area into ashes, blame it on Fighter, and run like hell?
    Fighter: I knew you were lying about that! I don't even know any spells, Mage. How could I nuke that town?
    White Mage: ...I think I'm going to vote myself off.[93]
  • Black Mage:You don't know the kinds of persecution my people have had to endure for centuries! And all because of the color of our spells!
    White Mage: Well maybe if your spells didn't have purely evil purposes, you wouldn't of had that problem!
    Black Mage: Are you saying that Black Magic and it's practitioners are inherently evil?
    White Mage: Name one positive, non-destructive use for your magic.
    Black Mage: Ha! That's easy. Give me a scenario.
    White Mage: OK. An orphanage is on fire. What do you...
    Black Mage: Use Fire-3 to torch the building and then pick off any survivors with Bolt-2 set to a wide dispersal.
    White Mage: You are a horrible monster.
    Black Mage: Stupid kids would never see it comin' either. Suckers![94]
  • Onion Kid: I'm sorry, mister. I didn't see you there.
    Black Mage: DON'T LOOK AT ME!
    Onion Kid: ARGH!
    White Mage: (Off in the distance) Well, no good can come of that.[95]
  • White Mage: It's a good thing I know my share of healing spells. Not to mention morals!
    Black Mage: Hey! I know of them.[96]
  • Fighter: Good ol' Black Mage, he's always trying to help people.
    White Mage: What are you talking about!
    Fighter: Black Mage is always helping people. The problem is, they almost never understand his unique brand of help so they usually end up yelling... or screaming... or burning.
    White Mage: Why me?[97]
  • Fighter: Maybe we should level up a little before seeing the king so he knows we're serious about this Light Warrior thing.
    Red Mage: (Thinking) Level up to gain power or meet with the king to gain status and lord over newbies and impress girls... GHKKK!
    *THUD*
    Black Mage: Did he just faint?
    Fighter: I thought I heard him say "Munchkin overload."
    Thief: I bet he probably fainted from exertion, what with carrying around these items that are heavy with um... value. I should liberate them. Er, for his own good of course.[98]
  • Guard: The king is looking for the Light Warriors. You do not happen to be them, do you?
    Fighter: I... do not... do... happen to... swords?[99]
  • Red Mage: (Talking about Thief) I'm glad he's on our side.
    Black Mage: But if you think about it... is he?
    Fighter: I prefer not to think about it.[100]
  • Black Mage: (to Fighter) Why do I allow you to breathe? Why?
    Fighter: I always thought it was my wit and candor.
    Red Mage: Before we set out for some leveling up, we should pool our money to invest in some weapons, armor, items, and spells and then stay at the local inn.
    Thief: Good idea, Red Mage. Plus, it'll give me time to take care of some business.
    Black Mage: Just because you face the other way doesn't mean we can't still hear you.
    Thief: Er... as your leader, I command you all to forget what I just said.
    Fighter: Wait, you mean we should forget to forget what you said, or we should forget the part before that which I have already forgotten since it didn't involve swords and is therefore meaningless?
    Thief: (to Black Mage) Why do you allow him to breathe?[101]
  • Red Mage: (seeing Fighter panicking about spiders) Is there an off button for that thing?
    Black Mage: Oh, he passes out after a while.
    Thief: You know, my Backstab attack does double damage. I could make an off button for him.
    Black Mage: Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to learn more.[102]
  • Garland: Evil Princess Sara? I had the forest imp dream again. I'm scared.
    Sara: In that case... go the hell away.[103]
  • Red Mage: Do as you wish, but know that without my help, you'll never get out of this encounter... alive.
    Black Mage: Still... quite tempted... to kill... Red Mage...[104]
  • Fighter: Oh yeah? Well then prepare for a steaming hot pile of action! TIGER'S FANG STRIKE!
    Black Mage: Steaming pile?![105]
  • Black Mage: Wow. Red Mage has a lot of blood...
    Red Mage: Their claws are raking through my flesh like a +2/+2 Sword of Wounding! Arrrrrgh!
    Black Mage:
    But not as much blood as he had about five minutes ago, of course.[106]
  • Red Mage: Unless one of my intrepid adventuring companions were to hand me a Healing Potion.
    Thief: I'm not sure that's feasible at this point in time. We've still got a negative cash flow problem.
    Werewolf: Well you're about to have a negative blood flow problem!
    Fighter: They're good...[107]
  • Black Mage: You pushed Red Mage... onto Fighter's sword.
    Fighter: Which is weird 'cause it started out sheathed.
    Red Mage: I botched my athletics role... big time.[108]

Episodes 101-200

  • Red Mage: Trust me guys. This one is going down in the history books!
    (3,000 years later)
    Computer Teacher: Earth-children. Open your "History of the Most Fatally Horrible Plans and Other Painful Events" compu-books to the section on the carbon-unit "Red Mage". End of line.
    Mega Man: But there's three full chapters devoted to this 'Red Mage'.
    Computer Teacher: Yes. Yes there are. This material will be on the digi-test.
    Mega Man: Man, I hate the future! And it's all Red Mage's fault![109]
  • Red Mage: (wearing Garland's armor) I'd say this is easily a +4/+4 Armor of Kick Ass.
    Black Mage: Mo' like a +Stupid/+Dumb Armor of Idiot.[110]

Episodes 201-300

  • Fighter: Wait, let me get this straight. So Thief is the Elf formely known as Prince?
    Black Mage: Killing you is going to be the greatest moment of my life.[111]
  • Thief: (after Black Mage stabs Fighter) I want to be surprised by that, but I can't be.
    Black Mage: It's what he would have wanted... if he was me.[112]
  • Fighter: (after Black Mage supposedly stabs him 45 times, making a big, red mess) Wow! Black Mage managed to burst every ketchup packet I was holding for RM's prematurely aborted Dragon bait plan!
    Red Mage: My precious Dragon bait! That stuff's hard to find unless you go to a restaurant! Jerk.
    Black Mage: If I had the strength, I would cry.[113]
  • Thief: (after Fighter tricks Drizz'L into freeing him) You realize of course this means Fighter is the smartest.
    Black Mage: I want to cry, but there aren't enough tears.[114]
  • Thief: I'll have you know "Drizz'L" roughly translates to "The Relentless Scourge".
    Black Mage: Yeah, like the relentless scourge of having a really stupid name.[115]

Episodes 301-400

  • Thief: Let me ask you a tangential philosophical question.
    Black Mage: Shoot.
    Thief: If a contract is torn up and several fraudulent copies have been produced in the meantime, does the Black Mage cry?
    Black Mage: He does.[116]
  • Thief: This can't be the right place.
    Fighter: The little sign above the door said "Von Vampire Residence".
    Black Mage: Oh please. That doesn't prove anything. It's only a last name. It's not like Fighter's last name is Knight.
    Fighter: Yeah, my last name is McWarrior. Duh. (To Black Mage) And your last name is Evilwizardington.
    Black Mage: (So much suffering will be visited upon you...)[117]
  • Vilbert Von Vampire: Ready?
    Red Mage: I was born ready.
    Fighter: I was born naked and screaming.
    Black Mage: And if all goes according to plan, you'll die like that too.[118]
  • Lich: What are you smiling about?
    Black Mage: Can't you tell? I'm looking forward to my demise. And freedom.[119]
  • Vargus: Fighter, you are easily my most accomplished student.
    Young Fighter: Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.
    Vargus: There is but one more lesson for you here at Fighter's Camp '86.
    Young Fighter: Shoot.
    Vargus: How many schools of zodiac kenshido are there?
    Young Fighter: What, that's it? You told us that on our first day at orientation. There's twelve schools.
    Vargus: How many, Fighter?
    Young Fighter: Twelve, one school for each sign of the Zodiac. Given enough time and some hints, and I could even name them for ya.
    Vargus: You have learned nothing. Go.
    Young Fighter: But... I've got nowhere else to go!
    Vargus: There is nothing for you here. Go.[120]
  • Young Fighter: Guess it's time to give up the blade and embrace my true calling in life. Short order cook!
    (Young Fighter bumps into Young Black Mage.)
    Young Black Mage: Hey, watch where yer goin', jerk-face!
    Young Fighter: Sorry, I'm in a bit of a funk about having my life's dreams shattered because I couldn't answer some weirdo philosophy question.
    Young Black Mage: You too? They just kicked me out of the Black Wizardry Camp for the same thing. Apparently the answer to "How many 5tth (sic) level spells can an experienced wizard cast?" is not "More than enough to destroy you all and your families." Feh! I should've known, though. In philosophy, it's never the most obvious answer.
    Young Fighter: We're best friends now!
    Young Black Mage: We're who on the what now?[121]
  • Young Fighter: We'll be bosom chums! We'll traverse the landscapes of growing up in this crazy world. We'll have our ups and downs, but in the end, we'll always be there for each other. It'll be great!
    Young Black Mage: Sounds wonderful, yeah. Turn around for me?
    Young Fighter: Sure thing, best buddy!
    (Young Black Mage tries to stab Young Fighter, but to no avail.)
    Young Fighter: We'll overcome all kinds of trials like bullies and homework and girls...
    (Young Black Mage tries to stab Young Fighter some more.)
    Young Fighter: ...and unreasoning school principals who are the font of all stagnation in the known universe.
    Young Black Mage: What part of being stabbed do you not understand?[122]
  • Bitchin' Demon: I have the entire legions of Hell at my command.
    Black Mage: Enjoy it while you can, Skippy.[123]
  • Thief: This is easy. I know it is. I've stolen things that weren't even there. This soul exists, so that helps. I just have to remember my training. The art of theft is truly the art of distraction. It's almost too easy to take someone's Gil when they're not looking. Observing an event helps to make it happen. Someone should develop a theory based on that. So without any witnesses who's to say what happens? RM, you need to close your eyes. This is a moment of truth.
    Red Mage: Why is it your brand of truth invariably involves obfuscation and lies?
    Thief: Because I'm Thief.[124]

Episodes 401-500

  • Black Mage: I can't believe the nerve of that anchor guy.
    Red Mage: Still, you didn't have to kill him.
    Black Mage: Hey, I waited until the cameras were turned off. You ask me, that's a crap load of control there.
    Thief: Not immediately indulging in murder isn't a sign of self-control. It's a sign of, what is it, sanity.[125]
  • Black Mage: I see you guys have been recruiting nine other gentlemen into our midst. I wouldn't mind their dancing or their prancing, but it's making me very dizzy.
    Red Mage: Uh, are you okay?
    Black Mage: Oh yes. Peachy, I'd say. Someone should really answer that phone though. The incessant ringing is like some sort of... loud ringing that won't, you know, go away.
    Red Mage: I don't hear any...
    (Black Mage passes out.)
    Red Mage: Oh, he's dead.
    Thief: No, just passed out.
    (Red Mage unsheathes his sword.)
    Red Mage: I am never wrong.[126]
  • Black Mage: What we really need is some sort of quest to keep us together.
    Red Mage: I thought you hated us and would relish the opportunity to rid us from your life.
    Black Mage: Oh, sure, that was the old Black Mage. The new back from Hell with infinite power, oh wait, just kidding, you're mortal again Black Mage won't rest until you've each suffered in ways they have not yet had need to invent words to describe.[127]
  • Black Mage: (Regarding Ranger) I don't get it. What's that jerk got that I ain't?
    White Mage: You mean besides a grasp of grammar?
    Black Mage: Me talk good!
    White Mage: Well, let's see...He knows the difference between right and wrong. Morals. A complete understanding of the theories and practical applications of personal hygiene. Friends. A face. The respect of his peers.
    Black Mage: Hey! I have friends. (Pause) I have a friend.
    White Mage: What you have is a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse.
    Black Mage: Right, a friend.
    White Mage: See, that, that right there. That's what's wrong with you. (Leaves)
    Black Mage: (Pause) Dammit, Fighter. White Mage doesn't like me because you're a rotten friend.
    Fighter: I'm horrible! [128]

Episodes 501-600

  • Drizz'l: Let me get this straight.
    Garland: Take your time, pal.
    Drizz'l: You summoned a Deep One for us.
    Garland: Yup!
    Drizz'l: And it attacked us.
    Garland: You betcha!
    Drizz'l: And that was part of the plan somehow?
    Garland: The cornerstone of the whole shebang, I'd say.
    Drizz'l: And that was supposed to kill the Light Warriors by destroying our boat?
    Garland: See how simple this is?
    Drizz'l: It's like you hate life...[129]
  • Fighter:
    Black Mage: What?
    Fighter: I SAID I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THESE SAILORS.
    Black Mage: Oh, hello there, Mr. Concussion. How are you today?
    Thief: WHAT'S HE MUMBLING ABOUT?
    Fighter: DUNNO.
    Black Mage: Please speak quietly.
    Fighter: I THINK HE'S HUNG OVER.
    Black Mage: No, my brain is hemorrhaging very important fluids.
    Thief: Y'KNOW, WHILE YOU'VE BEEN SITTING HERE, WE'VE BEEN HARD AT WORK FIGURING OUT THESE SAILORS.
    Black Mage: They're not sailors, they're Dark Warriors.
    Fighter: WE THINK THEY MIGHT BE PIRATES.
    Black Mage: Hate you.[130]
  • Black Mage: Well, it's about a thousand degrees below zero, we have no shelter, food, supplies of any kind, nor combustible materials that aren't our flesh. I propose we cut open someone's gut so the rest of us can sleep nestled within his warm entrails. The obvious choice for this sacrifice is Fighter because he is filled with meats.
    Fighter: It's true!
    Red Mage: Wait, I have an idea! I have Ice spells! We're saved!
    Black Mage: Ice spells. Okay, Red Mage just volunteered.
    Fighter: Aww...[131]
  • Black Mage: Thief, your career as our leader reminds me of watching a blind child stumble through an uneven room laced with knives and tiger pits. Only not as interesting to watch because you can always push the kid if it looks like he'd made it. Who's Mom's favorite now!
    Red Mage: Wait, you murdered your own blind brother?
    Black Mage: It would have been cruel to let him live after what I did to his eyes.[132]
  • Black Mage: We came to the frozen asshole of the planet like Sarda said. What I wanna know is, where's the crappy Item of Great Power we were promised? 'Cause I don't see it. If it's something lame and immaterial like "friendship" or "trust," I'll have to cut his face off.
    Red Mage: Yeah, I don't need a quest to teach me the importance of faking friendship.[133]

Episodes 601-700

  • (A Tyrannosaur appears)
    Red Mage: A Tyrannosaur, eh? As it just so happens, I was born to hunt dinosaurs. See? I've got the tattoo and everything.
    Tyrannosaur: Oh come on, that doesn't make any sense. How can dinosaur hunting be your primary purpose? We're extinct.
    Red Mage: Then explain yourself.
    (Tyrannosaur explodes)
    Red Mage: Exactly.

Episodes 701-800

  • White Mage: What a pleasant landing that was.
    Fighter: I'll say!
    Thief: It involved a lot less fire than usual.
    Red Mage: And no blood!
    White Mage: Oh, you guys are such jokesters. I can't help but notice that you aren't laughing.[134]
  • Guard #1: [Ms. Elderly Lady] claims that you gave her a pair of shoes made out of a human face.
    Black Mage: Oh, no. She, uh, came in with those shoes.
    Guard #1: That is how she came into the Guard House. His story checks out.
    Guard #2: She was obviously deranged. Thank you for your help, sir.[135]

Episodes 801-900

Episodes 901-1000

  • Black Mage: So, Red Mage, enlighten us. How can a plan that makes no sense work?
    Red Mage: One simple reason: It makes too little sense to fail.
    Black Mage: What.
    Red Mage: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level.
    Black Mage: That's so stupid I can't even see straight anymore.[136]
  • (Red Mage is on fire)
    Black Mage: Aren't you dead yet?
    Red Mage: Nope. I've been casting Life 2 on myself. Or Life 3. Whichever.
    Black Mage: What I know about White Magic could fill a thimble halfway, but I know both of those are out of your league.
    Red Mage: I know that and you know that, but I don't know that.
    Black Mage: It'd be great if I could unhear that.[137]

Episodes 1001-1100

  • Dragon: Blarg! I'm a dragon!
    Group of twelve dragons: Or twelve!
    Red Mage: Impossible! Only a maximum of nine enemies may be onscreen!
    Dragon: Fuck you.
    Red Mage (to other Light Warriors): RUN.[138]
    Note: This is the only instance in the entire comic that the word "fuck" is said without being censored or being split between panels as in [139].

External links

Nuklear Power: Home of 8-Bit Theater

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