Artemus Ward

Artemus Ward was the nom de plume of Charles Farrar Browne, (April 23, 1834 - March 6, 1867), an American humorous writer.


  • I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.
    • Fourth of July Oration.
  • The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.
    • Fourth of July Oration.
  • I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
  • Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?
    • Artemus Ward, His Travels, The Census.
  • The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.
    • London Punch Letters, No. 5 (1866).
  • Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?
    • Moses, the Sassy.
  • He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."
    • Moses, the Sassy.
  • Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.
    • Natural History.
  • The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.
    • A Mormon Romance, ch. 4.
  • They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.
    • At the Tomb of Shakespeare.

Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)

  • I now bid you a welcome adoo.
    • The Shakers.
  • ...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.
    • The Shakers.
  • My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.
    • The Crisis.
  • The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us.
    • The Crisis.
  • N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.
    • A Visit to Brigham Young.
  • The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.
    • Woman's Rights.


  • I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
  • My wife is one of the best wimin on this Continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb with mint sauce.
  • The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all - he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.
  • They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.
  • Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head?
  • It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us into trouble, it's the things we do know that just ain't so.

External links

Wikipedia has an article about:
Artemus Ward
Last modified on 24 March 2008, at 23:59