Best in Show
Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.Jawaharlal Nehru
- Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!
- Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?
- That looks like a fast dog.
- Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact. How does the name "Mayflower" get up to the Quaker City?
- And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.
- I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.
- I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun.
- I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"
- Thanks a lot, you stupid hotel manager!
- [Yelling at the hotel maid] I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!
- [after the hotel manager suggests going to the pet store to get a new toy for Beatrice] What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?
- No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume.
- This? This is a fish. This is a fish! You know what? Just shut up.
- I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!
- ...but you see, you think they drop like rocks, they don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down and this guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head [snaps fingers] pops off like a grape. The body continues to spin down like a whirl-a-gig. When they hit, everything pops out. It's like a piñata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded, pop out.
- [trying to coerce his son to get down from jumping off the roof] I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?
- When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bartender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.
- If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing.
- We're gonna be in Philadelphia for 48 hours, how many tea services can you do?
- So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here.
- Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.
- Scott Donlan: [upon seeing Christy & Sherri Ann passionately reveal their love for each other on live television] Rhapsody has two mommies.
- Gerry Fleck: Don't water the plants, they're plastic!
- Sherri Ann Cabot: Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.
- Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III: And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically; very, very specific, rigid, you could say, but in this world where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are.
- Hamilton Swan: [when Beatrice goes to lick his face] Don't!... not the lips...
- Hamilton Swan: Don't look at the fat ass losers or freaks, look at me!
- Harlan Pepper: I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.
- Christy Cummings: It worked for my family... you know, until my mom committed suicide in '81.
- Christy Cummings: We started this magazine, 'American Bitch'. It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.
- Fay Berman: [yelling at her husband who is trying to coax their son down from the roof] Don't look him in the eye! It challenges him! He doesn't like that!
- Hamilton Swan: Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck?
- Meg Swan: Is that not breathing?
- Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki down there and this merlot looks good with the gray.
- Buck Laughlin: Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor?
- Nurse: Uh, no.
- Buck Laughlin: Remind me never to come to you for a physical!
- Hotel Manager: We have you down for a queen.
- Scott Donlan: What are you suggesting... my dear man?
- Stefan Vanderhoof: [at the butcher] Now, Tyrone would like some of those beef kidneys so we'll have a half pound of those.
- Scott Donlan: No, not the kidneys, it's the membranes, I don't wanna have to pull those things off.
- Stefan Vanderhoof: [rolls eyes] I'll take care of the membranes.
- Scott Donlan: [to the butcher] I mean, Randy, you could pull the membrane off.
- Stefan Vanderhoof: Will you stop it? So, we'll have a half pound of the kidneys, a half pound of the salmon.
- Scott Donlan: And do me a favor, will you? Just get out of those meat sticks; I just wanna hold it.
- Gerry Fleck: [after Scott introduces himself as Mary and shows them the pants he hand-stitched] Well you must be very "proud Mary".
- Scott Donlan: Oh my goodness. Who are you all of a sudden?
- Stefan Vanderhoof: Good baby boomer gag.
- Cookie Fleck: Who's that in the burgundy jacket? Mr Hip.
- Gerry Fleck: [On why he can't dance] I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet!
- Cookie Fleck: I thought he was kidding.
- Gerry Fleck: But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet.
- Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends.
- Cookie Fleck': Hundreds.
- Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?
- Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.
- Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that.
- Buck Laughlin: Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet.
- Trevor Beckwith: I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right.
- Buck Laughlin: He's got two left feet.
- Gerry Fleck: [talking about Scott's leather trousers] Do you appreciate the amount of work that went into this?
- Scott Donlan: I ought to, I did it myself. I did it, I did it myself. I bored him to death, talked about it non-stop.
- Stefan Vanderhoof: Well that is six months, six months working with leather and red thread. How much fun was he to be with?
- Stefan Vanderhoof: [talking about the first time he saw Scott showing a dog] They had the same prance, the same rhythm, it was like they were two members of the same body.
- Scott Donlan: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got so exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?
- Fred Willard - Buck Laughlin
- Christopher Guest - Harlan Pepper
- Michael McKean - Stefan Vanderhoof
- John Michael Higgins - Scott Donlan
- Catherine O'Hara - Cookie Guggelman Fleck
- Eugene Levy - Gerald 'Gerry' Fleck
- Jay Brazeau - Dr. Chuck Nelken
- Parker Posey - Meg Swan
- Michael Hitchcock - Hamilton Swan
- Linda Kash - Fay Berman
- Larry Miller - Max Berman
- Patrick Cranshaw - Leslie Ward Cabot
- Jennifer Coolidge - Sherri Ann Ward Cabot
- Jane Lynch - Christy Cummings
- Bob Balaban - Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III
- Jim Piddock - Trevor Beckwith, the Commentator
- Ed Begley Jr. - Mark Schaefer, Hotel Manager