Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), created by Joss Whedon, was a television series about Buffy Summers, a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her Watcher and her loyal circle of misfit friends. The first five Seasons of the series aired on The WB; after a network change, the final two seasons aired on UPN.

See Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Format for suggested formatting and inclusion guidelines.


Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7
Welcome to the Hellmouth When She Was Bad Anne The Freshman Buffy vs. Dracula Bargaining 1 Lessons
Some Assembly Required Dead Man's Party Living Conditions Real Me Bargaining 2 Beneath You
The Harvest School Hard Faith, Hope & Trick The Harsh Light of Day The Replacement After Life Same Time, Same Place
Witch Inca Mummy Girl Beauty and the Beasts Fear, Itself Out of My Mind Flooded Help
Teacher's Pet Reptile Boy Homecoming Beer Bad No Place Like Home Life Serial Selfless
Halloween Band Candy Wild at Heart Family All the Way Him
Never Kill Boy on the First Date Lie to Me Revelations The Initiative Fool for Love Once More, With Feeling Conversations with Dead People
The Dark Age Lovers Walk Pangs Shadow Tabula Rasa Sleeper
The Pack What's My Line? 1 The Wish Something Blue Listening to Fear Smashed Never Leave Me
What's My Line? 2 Amends Hush Into the Woods Wrecked Bring on the Night
Angel Ted Gingerbread Doomed Triangle Gone Showtime
Bad Eggs Helpless A New Man Checkpoint Doublemeat Palace Potential
I, Robot... You, Jane Surprise The Zeppo The I in Team Blood Ties Dead Things The Killer in Me
Innocence Bad Girls Goodbye Iowa Crush Older and Far Away First Date
The Puppet Show Phases Consequences This Year's Girl I Was Made To Love You As You Were Get It Done
Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered Doppelgängland Who Are You? The Body Hell's Bells Storyteller
Nightmares Passion Enemies Superstar Forever Normal Again Lies My Parents Told Me
Killed by Death Earshot Where the Wild Things Are Intervention Entropy Dirty Girls
Out of Mind, Out of Sight I Only Have Eyes for You Choices New Moon Rising Tough Love Seeing Red Empty Places
Go Fish The Prom The Yoko Factor Spiral Villains Touched
Prophecy Girl Becoming 1 Graduation Day 1 Primeval The Weight of the World Two to Go End of Days
Becoming 2 Graduation Day 2 Restless The Gift Grave Chosen
Unknown episode See also External links

Season 1

Welcome to the Hellmouth

Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
Xander: Xander. Is - is me. Hi.
Buffy: Um, thanks.
Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you. [walks away]
Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.

Girl: The new kid? She seems kinda weird to me. And what kind of name is Buffy?
Girl 2: Hey, Aphrodisia.
Aphrodisia: Oh hey!

Cordelia: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker!
Buffy: Dead.
Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander: It's not just a little dead, then?
Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?

Giles: There's a reason why you're here, and a reason why it's now!
Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here.
Giles: Something's coming, something, something, something is - is gonna happen here. Soon!
Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Willow: Well... when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty. Or at all. I - I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy: It's not that bad.
Willow: I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.

The Harvest

Giles: For as long as there has been vampires, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One...
Buffy: He loves doing this part.

Giles: This world is older than any of you know, and contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, demons walked the Earth, made it their home, their Hell. In time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for mortal animals. For Man. What remains of the Old Ones are vestiges: certain magics, certain creatures.

Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.

Giles: It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. [everyone stares] That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
Buffy: Welcome to the New World.

Luke: [onstage at The Bronze] Ladies and gentlemen... there is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just won’t do any good.


Amy : Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways.

Willow: You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger! Then I... hide until it goes away.

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. [finds her picture] Oh, look! There I am.
Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Teacher's Pet

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: There are too many guys in your life.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.

Principal Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, (jumps back) but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.

[re: Owen's book selection]
Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson.
Buffy: We're both fans.
Giles: Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean for a...
Buffy: [defensively] A girl?
Giles: For an American.

Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
Buffy: Owen!
Giles: All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Giles: Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
Buffy: You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?

Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

The Pack

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
Willow: It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!

Buffy: What is it with those guys?
Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally.
Xander: Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.

Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy.

Giles: Testosterone is a great equalizer, it turns all men into morons.


Buffy: Angel?
Angel: Hmm?
Buffy: Do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.

Buffy: Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen?
Giles: A vampire isn't a person at all. [clears his throat] It may have the movements, the, the memories, even the personality of the person that it took over, but i-it's still a demon at the core, there is no halfway.
Willow: So that'd be a no, huh?

Xander: I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You’re in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
Cordelia: What?!?
Xander: [to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!

Angel: The elders conjured the most perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
Angel: When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul; that's gone. No conscience, no remorse, it's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day.

Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: And what's different between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.

I, Robot... You, Jane

Jenny: More digitized information went across phone lines than conversation.
Giles: That is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.

Giles: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages.
Jenny: Did you ever leave?

Giles: I-I-I really don't know how to advise you. Things involved with a computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such I'd be more in my element.

Jenny: You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Xander: Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?
Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Giles: Destroy the world's economy.
Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Giles: Right, yours was best.

The Puppet Show

Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did attempt to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.

Principal Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

Principal Snyder: I know Principal Flutie would have said, "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.

Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed... and also smoking.

[Marc has tricked Giles into getting into a craftily disguised guillotine.]
Giles: Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
Marc: No, no this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just come pouring out.
Giles: What exactly is the trick?
Marc: Trick?


Joyce: You wanna go to school?
Buffy: Sure! Why not?
Joyce: Okay. Good day to buy that lottery ticket.

Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there.
Buffy: Little blase' there, aren't you?
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!
Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me.
Xander: You da man, Buff!

Xander: Our dreams are coming true?
Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our-our nightmares are coming true.

The Master: [to Buffy] What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead?

The Master: [before dropping Buffy into an open grave and burying her alive] A dream is a wish your heart makes. This is real.

Out of Mind, Out of Sight

[The class is discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'.]
Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?
Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him.
Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

Principal Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.

Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. [everyone stares at him] I'm alone on that one, huh?

Giles: And, uh, I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. But, uh, Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me?
Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?
Buffy: It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage.

Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.

Prophecy Girl

Xander: [practicing to ask Buffy to the Spring Fling dance] Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate- just kill me!

Buffy: Wow. That was boring.
Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it.
Buffy: No, boring falls short.
Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
Buffy: Don't say that.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?

[After Xander was rejected by Buffy.]
Willow: How'd it go?
Xander: On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.
Xander: Thats okay. I don't want to go. Just going to go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!

The Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Season 2

When She Was Bad [2.01]

Principal Snyder: The first day back. It always gets me.
Giles: Yes.
Principal Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.
Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school's principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?
Principal Snyder: Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs.

Jenny: We've got vampires? I thought the Hellmouth was closed.
Giles: Well, it's, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area.
Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town.

Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
[The others look at each other.]
Buffy: (to Xander) Was that an insult?
Xander: Kinda lacked punch.
Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.
Cordelia: I see your point.
Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges.
Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.
Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!
Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also.

Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: [scoffs] I can hold my own.
Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
Jenny: What?
Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to kill you. The stains.

Some Assembly Required [2.02]

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy:: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?
Buffy: Zombie drill team then.

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: [bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Willow: All the time.
Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here.
[Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.]
Xander: So where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.

School Hard [2.03]

Spike: You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [Awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?

Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts.] You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
Xander: [to Angel] I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! Come on people! This isn't a spectator sport!

Spike: How's the "Annoying one" ?
Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.
Spike: Figures. Well, suppose I better go make nice. [He walks over to the Anointed One and kneels before him]
The Anointed One: You failed.
Spike: I, um... I offer penance.
Vampire: Penance? You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted. The feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
Spike: I was rash, and if I had to do it all over again... [pauses then starts laughing] Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this... [grabs the Anointed One]
The Anointed One: No!
Spike: ...first! [Spike sticks The Anointed One in the nearby cage and starts pulling a chain, lifting the cage up from the floor] From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual... and a little more fun around here. [the cage is lifted into the sunlight. The Anointed One screams as he dies].

Inca Mummy Girl [2.04]

Xander: That's Rodney Munson. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up for in lack of smarts.
Willow: You're just angry about that time he beat you up everyday for five years.
Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational like that.
Buffy: I better stop him before he gets in trouble.
Willow: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here. [goes over to Rodney]
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is you believe that.

Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Giles: It's as if you know me.

Devon MacLeish: What does a girl have to do to impress you?
Oz: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.
Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!
Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.
Ampata: [laughs] Why was that so scary?
Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Buffy: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and... I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy: I had you to bring me back.

Reptile Boy [2.05]

Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's going to lead to another.
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?
Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
Angel: [grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No. When you kiss me I want to die.

Buffy: Look, I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him [Giles] from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.
Xander: Like a corn dog.
Willow: Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.
Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
Buffy: There's no orgies!

Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.
Xander: Don't you hate that?
Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.
Xander: That bastard!
Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.
Xander: Yeah! [pause] Tom? Who's Tom?
Willow: The frat guy.
Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?

Giles: She lied to me?
Willow: Well...
Angel: Did... she have a date?
Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.

Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Halloween [2.06]

Willow: It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher Diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.
Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.

Buffy: Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.

[Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]
Buffy: It's just ... You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.
Willow: Free candy?
Buffy: It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.
Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.

Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

Buffy: Ta da. Just little old 20th-century me.
Angel: Sure you're okay?
Buffy: I'll live.
Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
Angel: Oh, ho.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noblewomen.
Buffy: You did.
Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone ... exciting. Interesting.
Buffy: Really? Interesting how?
Angel: You know how.
Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.
Angel: You're right. I should.
Buffy: Definitely.

Lie to Me [2.07]

Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?
Angel: Are you going to tell me that I'm jealous?
Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.
Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty ... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

Willow: The Lonely Ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.

Angel: Do you love me?
Buffy: What?
Angel: Do you?
Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.
Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.
Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!
Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was ... an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste.
Buffy: And you made her a vampire.
Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.
Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.

Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.

The Dark Age [2.08]

Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."

Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels.

Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.

Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.

What's My Line, Part One [2.09]

Xander: "Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark "none of the above".
Xander: Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.

Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. [silence. He looks around] Let's not all rush to disagree.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Dalton: Yes, but ... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill?
Spike: No, I think it's just enough kill.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

What's My Line, Part Two [2.10]

Kendra: They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.
Buffy: Can you say "stuck in the '80s"?

Cordelia: You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!
Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping you!
Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!
Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.
Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you!
Xander: I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
Cordelia: "I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward!
Xander: Moron!
Cordelia: I hate you!
Xander: I hate you!
[They kiss]

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...
Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?

Kendra: And those two, they also know you are the Slayer?
Buffy: Yep.
Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what "secret identity" means?
Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook. Right after the chapter on personality removal.

Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.
Kendra: Two Slayers!
Buffy: No waiting!

Ted [2.11]

Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.

Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy: [about Ted] So far, all I see is someone who supposedly has a good job, and is nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.
Xander: What kind of a monster is he?

Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Bad Eggs [2.12]

Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy: But I looked good in it.
Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
Joyce: You're just too young to wear that.
Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.
Joyce: That's the idea.

Buffy: Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is absent.
Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.

Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.
Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!

Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
Giles: A little of both might be appropriate.

Angel: So you don't think about the future?
Buffy: No.
Angel: Never?
Buffy: No.
Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.

Surprise [2.13]

[Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.]
Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
Buffy: I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
Angel: You see my point?

[Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.]
Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.
Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.
Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.
Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
Oz: It's okay.
Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
Oz: Well, I don't want to crash.
Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.
Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]
Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!

Willow: Are you okay?
Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow: Ohhh, well ... sort of.
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

Angel: Take me instead
Spike: Apparently,you're not familiar with the concept. There is no instead, only firsts and seconds.
Drusilla: And if you go first, you don't get to watch the Slayer die.

Innocence [2.14]

Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?
Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.
Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.
Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.
Spike: What the hell is going on?
Judge: This one ... cannot be burnt. He is clean.
Spike: Clean? You mean, he's ...
Judge: There's no humanity in him.
Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.
Drusilla: Angel.
Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.
Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?
Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.
Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?
Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
Xander: I know it's weird ...
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia Club', of which you are the treasurer.
Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander: All right, let's over-react, shall we?
Willow: But I'm ...
Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
Willow: No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.

Angelus: What? I took off.
Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.
Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
Buffy: What?
Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
Buffy: What are you saying?
Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.
Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?
Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know.
Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it, do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl ... you have to love her.

Giles: It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Giles: No. No no, I'm not.
Buffy: This is all my fault.
Giles: I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.

Phases [2.15]

Willow: We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies!
Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
Willow: I've dropped anvils.
Buffy: Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?
Willow: At last count? All of them, maybe more.
Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.
Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!

Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a Meow before.

Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!
Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Buffy: [to Willow] Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
Oz: You are quite the human.
Willow: So I'd still, if you'd still.
Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
Oz: Agreed.
[Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.]
Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered [2.16]

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows...what speaks to a girl's heart.

Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't.
Buffy: [angered] So you're saying this is all a game?
Xander: A game? I... No!
Buffy: You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?
Xander: Buffy, please calm down.
Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself!
Amy: Get away from him. He's mine.
Buffy: Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.
Xander: What? I, uh...
Amy: He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.
Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me?
Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will...
Xander: Uh-oh.
Amy: ... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]

Passion [2.17]

Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

Angelus: Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open it's jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead.

Buffy: It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
Willow: Well, sort of, except ...
Buffy: Except what?
Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.

Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"
Buffy: Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.

Spike: Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds.
Drusilla: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.
Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!
Angelus: Don't worry, Roller Boy. I've got everything under control.

Killed by Death [2.18]

Buffy: Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?
Dr. Wilkinson: No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey.
Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed.
Dr. Wilkinson: She's still a little out of it.
Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.

[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Willow: I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?
Buffy: I... never have.

Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.

I Only Have Eyes for You [2.19]

Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!

[Spike is observing their new Home]
Spike: It's paradise. Big windows, lovely gardens. It'll be perfect on the days we want the sunlight to kill us.

Xander: Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?

Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.

Go Fish [2.20]

Xander: Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?
Cordelia: Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.
Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
Xander: We're number one!

Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?

Cameron: Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.
Buffy: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.

Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.
Willow: So we're looking for a beastie.
Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!

Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?
Xander: Three times a Fish Guy.
Buffy, Willow: Oh.
Cordelia: Whoa!
Xander: What am I gonna do?
Cordelia: You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.
Xander: Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!
Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Becoming, Part One [2.21]

Principal Snyder: Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow: I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.
Principal Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah, where they teach lunch.

Drusilla: I don't want to be an evil thing!
Angelus: Ah, hush, child, the Lord has a plan for all of us. He will use you and then he will smite you down, he's like that.

Buffy: I don't want you putting yourself in any danger, Will.
Willow: And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger...

Angelus: My friends, we're about to make history... end.

Willow: This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final.
Buffy: Oh, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to Hell by then, I won't have to take 'em... Or maybe I'll be taking them forever.

Becoming, Part Two [2.22]

Giles: What do you want?
Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws.

Spike: Hello cutie.
Buffy: You do remember that you're a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals on legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square.

Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.

Willow: I wanna try again.
Oz: Try what?
Willow: The curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we can restore Angel's soul.
Xander: I don't like it. You're talking about messing with powerful magic, and you're weak.
Willow: I'm okay.
Xander: You don't look okay. [to Cordelia] Does she?
Cordelia: You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat, and the lips...

Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?
Buffy: Me.

Season 3


[A vampire breaks out of a grave and someone is seen standing over it]
Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it.

Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be. Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.

[In Buffy's dream]
Buffy: How did you find me here?
Angel: If I was blind, I would see you.
Buffy: Stay with me.
Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.

Giles: I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you... should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
Willow: You'd be cranky?
Giles: Entirely.
Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: "Don't get killed."

Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. You know when I didn't graduate?
Willow: Well, I know you had a lot of incompletes, but that's what summer school is for.
Oz: Yeah, you remember when I didn't go?
Willow: I'm trying to get to "cute", really, but I'm still sorta stuck on "strange".
Oz: Well, I'd be willing to bargain down to "eccentric" with an option on "cool".

Larry: If we can focus, keep discipline... and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna rule!

Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
Xander: We're losing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but, rhythmically.

Nurse: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.

Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just wanna be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cosy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one.

Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Cordelia: What's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.

Buffy: You know, I just, I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm, I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the... sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W-Oh, I just suck at undercover.

Guard: Who are you?
Buffy: [perks up] I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you are?

Ken: That... was not permitted.
Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun.

Buffy: Hey, Ken! Want to see my impression of Gandhi? [she smashes his head]
Lily: Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, if he was really pissed off.

Dead Man's Party

Joyce: It cheers up the room.
Buffy: It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer.

Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
Joyce: Will you be slaying?
Buffy: Only if they give me lip.

Xander: Check it out. The Watcher's back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a-a Looker or a-a Seer.

Oz: Hey, so you're not wanted for murder anymore.
Buffy: Good. That was such a drag.

Xander: I'm kinda tied up.
Cordelia: You wish!

Principal Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly.
Joyce: Buffy was cleared of all those charges.
Principal Snyder: Yes, and while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrollment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to... I'm sorry. Another tingle moment.

Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.

[Giles brings a zombie cat to the library.]
Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
Giles: We're trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I want to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk.
Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.

Cordelia: I'm the dip. (everyone stares at her)
Xander: You gotta admire the purity of it.
Cordelia: What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring.

Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.

Xander: Okay, so one vote from the old guy for a smelly cheese night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?

Buffy: I'm trying.
Willow: Wow, and it looks so much like giving up!

Giles: Unbelievable! "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead." Americans!

Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.

Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me!
Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
Cordelia: It's him.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good.

Buffy: Fine, okay, I can take my lumps. For awhile.
Willow: All right, I'll stop giving you a hard time. (pause) Runaway.
Buffy: Will!
Willow: I'm sorry ... quitter.
Buffy: Whiner.
Willow: Bailer.
Buffy: Harpy.
Willow: Delinquent.
Buffy: Tramp.
Willow: Bad seed.
Buffy: Witch.
Willow: Freak.

Faith, Hope & Trick

Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Willow: ...I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like. [Buffy glares at her] Oh, I didn't mean that bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you... [looks at Oz] you're supposed to stop me when I do that.
Oz: I like when you do that.

Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut. [Buffy punches him in the arm. Hard.] Ha ha! Ow!
Buffy: Alright, yes, date. And shop, and hang out, and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!

Mr. Trick: Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people? He called me "sir." Don't you just miss that? I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers; you know, strictly the Caucasian Persuasion here in the 'Dale. But, you know, you just gotta stand up and salute that death rate. I ran the statistical analysis, and "hello darkness." It makes D.C. look like Mayberry, and ain't nobody saying boo about it. We could fit right in here. Have us some fun.
Kakistos: We're here for one reason.
Mr. Trick: Yeah, I know. Kill the Slayer. Still, big picture...
[Drive thru attendant hands Trick his soda]
Attendant: Have a good night, sir.
Mr. Trick: Right back at ya.
Kakistos: The Slayer. I'm going to rip her spine from her body and I'm going to eat her heart and suck the marrow from her bones.
Mr Trick: [smacks his lips] Now I'm hungry.
[Trick lunges out of the limo window in vampire face, pulls the attendant out of the building and partially into the limo, which drives off.]

Buffy: So lemme get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: I think what my daughter's trying to say is... nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah!

Willow: Have you ever noticed, though, when he is mad, but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck-cluck sound with his tongue?
[Giles suddenly rises up from behind the counter and looks at them.]
Buffy: Hi, Giles! [raises her eyebrows at Willow and smiles]
Willow: [turns to face him] Oh, hi! Been there long?

Willow: Mm, sage. I love that smell... And marnox root. You know, a smidge of this mixed with a virgin's saliva ... does something I know nothing about.

Willow: Are you mad at me?
Giles: No, of course not, no. If I were, I would be making a strange clucking sound with my tongue.

Faith: So its 118 degrees and I'm sleeping without a stitch on, when I hear a screaming outside. So I go out stark nude and a church bus and these three Vamps are feeding on half the baptists in South Boston. I took out the three Vamps and these preacher comes up and starts hugging me like there's no tomorrow. Then the cops pull up and arrest us both.
Xander: Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.

Faith: Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes ya hungry and horny? [everyone stares]
Buffy: Well, sometimes I crave a non-fat yogurt afterwards.

Willow: Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Oz: I got bit.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.
Faith: Hey, as long as you don't go scratchin' at me or humpin' my leg we're five-by-five, you know.

Buffy: Oh no, I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit for just speaking it, right?

Willow: And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes.
Xander: And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow.
Willow: Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on Parent-Teacher night. Oh, and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave.
Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Cordelia: What is it with you and slayers? Maybe I should dress up as one and put a stake to your throat.
Xander: Oh, please God, don't let that be sarcasm!

Willow: You really do need to find the fun, B...uffy.

Faith: I'm five-by-five here, B, living entirely large, actually wondering about your problem.
Buffy: Well, I may not sleep in the nude and rassle [sic] alligators...

Faith: What are you getting so strung up for, B?
Buffy: Why are your lips still moving, F?

Buffy: [about Faith] Girl's not playing with a full deck, Giles. She has almost no deck. She has a three.

Giles: [about The Watchers at the retreat] I wonder if they still kayak. I used to love a good kayak. You see, t-they don't even consider - [sees Buffy glaring at him] Sorry. I digress. The, um, vampire that attacked you, can you furnish me with some details that might help me trace their lineage? I mean, ancient or-or-or modern dress. Amulets. Cultish tattoos ... [sips his coffee]
Buffy: Uh, no tats. Crappy dressers. And, uh... Oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about kissing toast. [a spark of recognition appears on Giles' face] He lived for kissing toast.
Giles: You mean 'Kakistos'?
Buffy: [tries to remember] Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos. [she looks up at Giles] What?
Giles: Kakistos. [heads into the library]
Buffy: [Frowns] Is that bad? [follows him]

Buffy: [about Kakistos] Now, this guy shows up two days ago, right? Right around the same time my bestest new little sister makes her scene.
Giles: [looks up and considers] You think he and Faith are connected?
Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in; coincidence and leprechauns.
Giles: Well, Buffy, it's entirely possible that they both arrived here by chance simultaneously.
Buffy: Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right?
Giles: [thinks for a moment] As far as I know, yes.

Scott: Think of this as my last-ditch effort. I realize that one more is gonna qualify as stalking.

Buffy: [Breathing hard] Faith, first rule of slaying: Don't Die.

Buffy: Angel was cured.
Giles: I'm sorry?
Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. [to Willow] Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I, I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, I kissed him, and I killed him.

Beauty and the Beasts

Faith: But you like him. When you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right?
Buffy: Yeah, I guess... how low?
Faith: You tell me!

Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical 'til I was at least forty.
Faith: It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from... Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.

Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... Scary.
Willow: He's just being Oz.
Oz: Pretty much full-time.

[In guidance counsellor's office.]
Buffy: Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity.

Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person -- grownup, shrink, pope -- any person who claims to be *totally* sane is either lying or not very bright. I mean, everyone has problems. Everybody has demons, right?
Buffy: Gotta say I'm with you on that.

Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I?

[After Willow suddenly faints]
Xander: Okay, uh, little too much excitement for the Wilster here.

Buffy: Couldn't sleep, huh?
Willow: I've been at Mister Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. How come you're the Wakey Girl? I mean, this time, it's not your boyfriend who's the cold-blooded... [sees Oz] Jelly doughnut?

Scott: Well, my mom says that therapy can be completely helpful.
Pete: Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott.
Scott: [to Buffy] I hope you realise I don't actually know these people, I just... I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them.

Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we are dealing with. Quite clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.
[Oz comes in.]
Oz: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.

Buffy: It's tricky covering a fresh shiner like that. You know what works?
Debbie: What?
Buffy: Don't get hit.

[Buffy enters the library to an uncomfortable silence]
Buffy: I'm afraid to ask.
Cordelia: Oz ate somebody last night.
Willow: [defensively] He did not!


Buffy: [To Scott] I'm getting better, honest. In fact, from here on, you are gonna see a drastic distraction reduction.

Mayor Wilkins: Would you show me your hands, please?
Mayor Wilkins: I think they could be cleaner.
Allan: I'll take care of it.
Mayor Wilkins: You have all my faith.

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Ms. Moran: Were you absent a lot, um...
Buffy: Buffy?

Cordelia: Just because you were Guacamole Queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this works.
Buffy: Obviously it involves handing out entirely lame fliers.
Cordelia: No, it involves being part of this school and having actual friends. Now, if it was about monsters, blood and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in. Like to see you try to win the crown.
Buffy: You would? Then you will.
Buffy: Sorry Cordy, but you have no idea who you're messing with.
Cordelia: What, the Slayer?
Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer, I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the prom queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.

Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire or ... whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.
Kulak: I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
Mr. Trick: Isn't that nice.
Mr. Trick: Mr. Gorch, my account statement says that your deposit has not yet been made.
Lyle Gorch: Well, me and Candy... we blowin' our whole honeymoon stash on this little game here. [empties a bag of cash onto the table]
Mr. Trick: [unimpressed]] They're dirty.
Lyle: They're nonconsecutive.
Mr. Trick: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed lookin' creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!

Xander: We gotta get out of these clothes!
Willow: Right now!
Xander: Oh, I didn't mean...
Willow: I didn't... me, either!

Buffy: Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich.

Buffy: Hey.
Willow: Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good?
Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
Willow: No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
Willow: (imploringly) What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
Willow: (squeaky voice) 'kay.

Buffy: How can you think it's okay to talk to people like this? Do you have parents?
Cordelia: Yeah, two of them, unlike some people.
Buffy: Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?
Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll all regret later, okay?
Cordelia: Crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: Like that.

Cordelia: I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought ... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.

Cordelia: I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with that hat?
Lyle: Oh, I'm gonna...
Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Lyle: Wife!
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. I'm the Queen. You get me mad ... what do you think I'm gonna do to you?

Mayor Wilkins: The children are our future. We need them. I need them.

Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.

Band Candy

Mayor Wilkins: You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick.
[The mayor opens the cabinet, revealing shelves full of occult paraphernalia.]
Mayor Wilkins: I keep my campaign promises.

Angel: It's late. How'd you get away?
Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Angel: Oh.
Buffy: I'm joking. No garbage. Smell me.

Ms. Barton: Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!
Xander: Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?
Cordelia: Get in line.

Buffy: Something's definitely changing them.
Willow: A spell?
Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Principal Snyder: [to Oz] You've got great hair.

Snyder: Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I'll stay here in case the babies, you know, uh... find their way back.

Buffy: Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SAT's tomorrow.
Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note.

Willow: KISS rocks? Why would anyone want to kiss . . . oh wait, I get it.


Cordelia: Why are you guys so hyper?
Willow: Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?
Xander: Let's see. Killing zombies, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster.

Gwendolyn Post: Lagos will be headed for the cemetery.
Giles: There is more than one in Sunnydale.
Gwendolyn: I see. How many?
Giles: Uh, twelve, within the city limits.

Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

Buffy: [About Angel] You'd just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?
Xander: I don't need an excuse! I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a 'reason'!

Giles: Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me ... for hours ... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

Gwendolyn: Faith, do you know who the Spartans were?
Faith: Wild stab, a bunch of guys from Spart?

Willow: Ugh. It's late, I'm tired. What does he want from us, anyway?
Xander: The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt?

Faith: Guy like that, with that kinda glove, could kill a whole mess of people.
Xander: Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. [aims to take his next shot]
Faith: Buffy knew he was alive. [Xander shoots; Faith glares] I can't believe her.
Xander: She says he's clean.
Faith: Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. [Xander looks at her] I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay.
Xander: [beat] Can I come?

Faith: I can't believe how much I'm gonna kill you.

Gwendolyn: Faith, a word of advice: you're an idiot.

Lovers Walk

Willow: I'm pathetic, illiterate. I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
Xander: That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined score in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Joyce: That's not it. It's just... You belong at-at a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a Chaos demon! Have you ever seen a Chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting... She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends. [leans over and sobs on Willow's shoulder.] God, I'm so unhappy!
Willow: [tentatively pats his knee.] There, there.
Spike:[To Willow]Don't worry.You know what they say:"If at first You don't succeed,I'll kill him and You can try again".

Buffy: You took Willow.
Spike: You do me now, you'll never find the little witch.
Joyce: [confused.] Willow's a witch?
Buffy: And Xander?
Spike: Him, too.
Joyce: What, Xander's a witch?

Spike: Look, I just need a few supplies, and then I'll take you to... [stops and grabs his head.] Oh, God.
Buffy: What's wrong? Not that I care.
Spike: Oh... My head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. [doubles over.] Oh, God. I wish I was dead.
Buffy: [pulls out a stake.] Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard...
Spike: [straightens up.] Hey! Back off!
Angel: Buffy, we still need him to find the others.
Buffy: Need him? He's probably just got them locked up in the factory.
Spike: Well... hey, how thick do you think I am?
Spike: Oh, God.
Angel: Now what?
Spike: We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times. [chuckles.] You know, he begged for mercy, and you know, that only made her bite harder.
[Buffy and Angel are unimpressed.]
Buffy: I guess you had to be there.

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back to making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah, you're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Lenny: I heard you'd gone soft. Sad to see it, man.
Spike: Soft?
Lenny: Yeah, like baby food.
Spike: [smiling; sotto voce] Well, then, let's give baby a taste.
[Spike repeatedly smashing Lenny's head onto the table.]
Spike: Baby like his supper? Baby like his supper?
[He flips him over onto the table on his back.]
Spike: Why doesn't baby have a nap? [stakes him.]

Spike: [sees Buffy tenderly helping Angel] Oh yeah, just friends. Noooo worries there...
Buffy: Could we just do the damn spell now?
Spike: Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. [smiling.] I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her, until she likes me again.
Spike: [smiles thoughtfully.] Love's a funny thing.

The Wish

Willow: [looking at a demon corpse] Isn't he gonna go poof?

Buffy: No luck reaching Cordelia?
Xander: I've left a few messages. Sixty, seventy... but you know what really bugs me? [to Willow] OK, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'!
Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
Xander: So tell us, wise one: How do you heal?
Buffy: I have you guys.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!
Anyanka: Done!

Cordelia: She was like a good fairy. A scary, veiny good fairy.

Cordelia: No, no, no way! I wish us into Bizarro-land and you guys are still together? I cannot win!
Vamp Xander: Probably not, [changes to vampire face] but I'll give you a head start.

The Master: I've lost my appetite for this one. She keeps looking at me.

Vamp Willow: Hmm, Buffy. Oooh. Scary.
Vamp Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Vamp Willow: Bored now.

Vamp Willow: That's right, Puppy. Willow's gonna make you bark.

Giles: Oh, Anyanka, I beseech thee... In the name of all women scorned, come before me.
Anyanka: Do you have any idea what I do to a man who uses that spell to summon me?

Giles: Cordelia Chase. What did she wish for?
Anyanka: I had no idea her wish would be so exciting! 'Brave new world.' I hope she likes it.
Giles: You're gonna change it back. I'm not afraid of you. Your only power lies in the wishing.
Anyanka: Wrong! This is the real world now. This is the world we made. Isn't it wonderful?
[Giles snatches her glowing necklace and breaks free of her grasp, then grabbing a heavy object from his desk, raises his arm to smash the amulet.]
Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!
Anya: Done! [nothing happens, Anya is confused]
Cordelia: That would be cool!
Anya: Done! [again nothing happens]
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...


[Dublin, 1838. Angelus has pulled in a man running from him.]

Angelus: Daniel,where are you going?
Daniel: You're not human.
Angelus: Not of late, no.
Daniel: What do you want?
Angelus: As it happens, I'm hungry and seeing as you're in my debt . . .
Daniel: Please, I can't!
Angelus: A man playing his cards should have a natural intelligence or a great deal of money, and you're sadly lacking in both. So I'll take me winnings me own way.
Daniel: [Reciting prayer]The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want...
Angelus: Daniel, be of good cheer. It's Christmas! [Bites him]

Xander: So, you doing anything special?
Buffy: Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. (to Willow) What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish! Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.

Angel: I'm sorry. I know I have no right to ask you for anything.
Giles: [chuckles mirthlessly] Sorry. Coming from you that phrase strikes me as rather funny
Angel: I need your help.
Giles: And the funny just keeps coming.

[Angel is asking Giles for his help]
Angel: I can't come in unless you invite me.
Giles: [approaching Angel with a staked crossbow] I'm aware of that.

Angel: I feel like I should be in a Hell Dimension, suffering eternal torment.
Giles: I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that.

Buffy: Are you sure this is how you wanna spend your Christmas vacation?
Xander: Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?
[Willow walks in]
Willow: Hey, guys. What are we doing?

Willow: Hi. Why don't you come s-sit down?
Oz: You ever have that dream where you're in a play, and it's the middle of the play and you really don't know your lines, and you kinda don't know the plot?
Willow: Well, we're alone, and we're together. I-I just wanted it to be special.
Oz: How special are we talking?
Willow: Well, you know, we're alone, and we're both mature younger people, and-and so, w-we could... I-I'm ready to... w-with you. [whispers] We could do that thing. [Oz stands] Where are you going?
Oz: No, I'm not going. Just a dramatic gesture. That's-that's pretty special.

[Buffy notes the fire her mother has started.]
Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep out the sweltering heat.

[Buffy is standing by the Christmas tree, helping her mother to decorate it.]
Joyce: So, Angel's on top again?
Buffy: What?
Joyce: (holding up Christmas decorations) Angel? Or star?
Buffy: Oh. Er, star.

The First: I’m not a demon, little girl, I am something you cannot even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin. Beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You’ll never see me but I am everywhere. Every being. Every thought. Every drop of hate.
Buffy: All right, I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?

Angel: I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care. I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.

Buffy: I love you so much, and I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard ... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. [whispers] I can't.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because ... [Snow falls, blocking the sunlight.]


Amy: Oh my God!
Oz: Kids?
Xander: Why was your mom there?
Buffy: More bad, she picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit.
Willow: God, your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? [Buffy looks at her] That really wasn't the point of the story, was it?

Buffy: What is this?
Willow: A doodle. I do doodle. You, too -- you do doodle, too.

Giles: They're confiscating my books.
Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.

Mrs. Rosenberg: You're upset, I hear you ...
Willow: No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness!
Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out, I'm a witch! I can make pencils float! And I can summon the four elements! Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow.
Willow: I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings! Do you see any goats around? No! 'Cause I sacrificed them!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, please...
Willow: All bow before Satan!
Mrs. Rosenberg: I'm not listening to this.
Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!

[Angel finds Buffy during patrol.]
Buffy: Hey. How are you?
Angel: I'm all right. I think I'm better than you right now. [indicates playground shrine] I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.
Buffy: It's strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time. I've never seen anything like this.
Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference.
Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming? My mom said some things to me about being the Slayer. That it's fruitless. No fruit for Buffy.
Angel: She's wrong.
Buffy: Is she? Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad just keeps coming back... and getting stronger. Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: Dike. [Buffy looks at him.] It's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Angel: Buffy, you know there's still things I'm trying to figure out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never...
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: Never will. That's not why we fight. We do it because there's things worth fighting for.

Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real?
Buffy: Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Giles: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing.
Oz: So what do we do?
Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans ... [silence] No one else is seeing the funny here.

Cordelia: I came by to tell Buffy to stop all of this craziness and found you all unconscious ... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Giles: Wake up in a c... ? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.

Cordelia: Okay, I think I liked the two little ones more than the one big one.


[After a vampire rolls down a slide in a playground...]
Buffy: Wow! That was really funny looking! Could you do it again?
Vampire: I'll kill you for that.
Buffy: For that? What were you going to kill me for before?

Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca.

Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --
Buffy: Guys, reality!

[Angel gives Buffy a book for her birthday.]
Buffy: It's sweet and thoughtful, and full of neat words to learn and say like "wilt" and "henceforth."
Angel: Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
Buffy: I'm sorry ... it's just, suddenly there's a chance that my calling's a wrong number ... it's just freaking me out a little.

Buffy: Before I was the Slayer I was ... Well, I- I don't wanna say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her "Spordelia," looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and ... I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful ... Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that too.

Kralik: [to Buffy's mother] Mother. May I call you "mother"? My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own, so she tried to take mine. Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. But she's dead to me now. Mostly because I killed and ate her, but also because I know I won't be alone much longer. I'll have your daughter. I won't kill her -- I'll just make her like me. Different. She'll go to sleep, and when she wakes up, your face will be the first thing she eats. [considers] I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that.

The Zeppo

Buffy: Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.
Faith: Or killed.
Buffy: Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.
Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Faith: Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Buffy: What should we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows! [the others look at her oddly] Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.

Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do!
Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia turns and walks away.]
Cordelia: [to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Giles: Buffy, this is no laughing matter.
Buffy: Hence my no laughing.

Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once ... I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Xander: Y'know, it's not like I haven't helped before. Y'know, I've done some violence for those people. Do they even think about that? I mean... they act like I'm, like I'm some sorta klutz.
[He drives into the car parked in front of him.]

Buffy: "Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors ..." Eww. "... celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes." They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?

Giles: There's something different about this menace. Something in the air. The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.

Faith: She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!
Xander: Really? Pop?!
Faith: You up for it?
Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.
Faith: Just relax. And take your pants off.
Xander: Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.
Faith: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

[Xander finds bomb-making supplies in back seat of the car, where his zombie friends had been]
Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake!
[Xander returns to their last location.]
Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. Oh, man, I'm outta my league! Buffy'll know what to do.

[Wielding an axe, Xander confronts zombie Parker.]
Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later --
[Parker abruptly runs away.]
Xander: I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk.

[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
Xander: [to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
[Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
Jack: And it just got harder.
Xander: I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
[Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
Xander: I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
Jack: Then you'll die, too.
Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
Jack: Are you?
Xander: [tired smile] I like the quiet.

Bad Girls

Xander: [examining Willow's early acceptance packets] Harvard ... Yale ... Wesleyan ... some German polytechnical institute whose name I, uh ... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon.
Oz: They're typing those now.

Willow: Chemistry is easy. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.

Wesley: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.
Giles: Well, no danger of finding those here.
Wesley: [confused] Vampires?
Giles: Controlled circumstances.

Buffy: New Watcher?
Giles: New Watcher.
Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, it's very nice to meet you.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Wesley: Evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh yes, Gwendolyn Post, we all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials ... rather thoroughly, phoned the Council. But I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.

Giles: You seem to know a lot about them.
Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.

Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please". And afterwards I get a cookie!

Faith: New watcher?
Buffy & Giles: New watcher.
Faith: Screw that! [walks out]
Buffy: Now why didn't I just say that?

Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?

Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation, preparation, preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.

(Mayor Wilkin's daily planner)
[Mayor Wilkins checks off "Become Invincible"]

Buffy: Getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the problem go away.
Faith: It does for me.
Buffy: Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man.
Faith: No, you don't get it. [smiles] I don't care!


[Cordelia Chase makes an entrance, flirts with Wesley, then leaves.]
Wesley: My. She's cheeky, isn't she?
Faith: Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.

Faith: I missed the mark last night and I'm sorry about the guy, I really am! But it happens! Anyways, how many people do you think we've saved by now? Thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.
Buffy: We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want.
Faith: Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings.
Buffy: Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?
Faith: What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill.
Buffy: To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!
Faith: We are better!

Buffy: It's not all her fault, Giles. We both thought it was a vampire. I-I only realized it a second before.
Giles: Buffy, this is not the first time something like this has happened.
Buffy: It's not?
Giles: The Slayer is on the front line of a nightly war. Now, it's-it's tragic, but accidents have happened.

[The gang are discussing who should approach Faith.]
Xander: She was fighting those apocalypse demon things and I helped out... gave her a ride home.
Buffy: And you guys talked?
Xander: Not extensively, no.
Buffy: Then why would you... oh!
Giles: Oh!
Willow: I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together.

Angel: You can't imagine the price for true evil.
Faith: Yeah? I hope evil takes Mastercard.

Faith: We don't need the law, we are the law.
Buffy: No. [walks away]
Faith: [following her] yes. You know exactly what I'm about because you have it in you too.
Buffy: No Faith, you're sick.

[Faith refuses to take responsibility for killing a man]
Angel: It's like talking to a wall. Only you get more from a wall.

Faith: You sent your boy to kill me.
Mayor Wilkins: That's right, I did.
Faith: He's dust.
Mayor Wilkins: I thought he might be, what with you standing here and all.
Faith: I guess that means you have a job opening.


Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe -- And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High -- Mortal. A child. And I'm flunking math.

Anya: I'm getting my power center back. And if you won't help me, then, by the pestilent gods, I will find someone who will!

Buffy: He even has that test to see if you're crazy, that asks if you ever hear voices or if you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Ooh, I used to want- Wait, florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.

Willow: How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sorta naturally buff, Buff? [giggles at her alliteration] Ha, buff Buff.

Buffy: I-I just... well, I-I wanna do...
Willow: [smiles knowingly] Better than Faith?
Buffy: [slightly embarrassed] So very shallow.
Willow: Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych test. Just don't mark the box that says, "I sometimes like to kill people."
[Willow, upset with having to discuss Faith, loses control of the levitating pencil. It flies off into a nearby tree.]
Buffy: Emotional control?
Willow: [abashed] I'm working on it.

Snyder: You've got the brains, he's got the fast break. It's a perfect match.
Willow: Match? You want us to breed?
Snyder: I want you to tutor him. Percy is flunking history. Nothing seems to be able to motivate him.
Percy: [smugly] Hey, I'm challenged.
Snyder: You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite the challenge.

Willow: [complaining about Principal Snyder] I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his.
Giles: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the mayor's files.
Willow: [cheerfully] OK.

Mayor Wilkins: No Slayer of mine is gonna live in a fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liasons going on there.
Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing. This place is the kick!

Willow: [picks up a banana] I'm eating this now. It's not lunchtime, I don't even care.
Buffy: Hey.
Xander: Willow! Did you remember to tape Biography last Friday?
Willow: Uh-huh.
Buffy: See! I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks!
Buffy: What?
Willow: "Old Reliable"? [annoyed] Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname!
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "Old Reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser! You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot?
Willow: [angry] That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
Willow: Well, maybe I don't wanna be reliable all the time. Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework gal.
Xander: I'm thinking nerve strike.
Willow: [huffs] Maybe I'll change my look! Or cut class. You don't know... And I'm eating this banana, lunchtime be damned!

Anya: I heard you were the person to ask if...
Willow: [sighs] Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person.

Willow: OK, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.
Anya: Oh, don't be such a wimp.
Willow: That, that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I-I don't think you're telling me everything.
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: [sarcastically] Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell?

Anya: Idiot child.

Vampire Willow: This is weird.

Percy: Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. Till we graduate, I own your ass.
Vamp Willow: Bored now.

[Vamp Willow strikes Percy with an open palm, sending him sprawling onto a pool table.]

Vamp Willow: Xander!
Xander: Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you!
Vamp Willow: [smiling] You're alive.
Xander: Uh, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here, don't wanna fall back on bad habits - Hands! Hands in new places!
Vamp Willow: [revolted] You're alive.
Buffy: [approaches Xander and Vamp Willow] So, Xander, are you gonna introduce me to- [Vamp Willow turns to Buffy] Holy God, you're Willow.
Vamp Willow: [instantly hostile] You.
Buffy: [nervous, trying to be polite] You know what? I-I like the look. It's, um, it's extreme, but it, it, it looks good, you know, it's a... leather thing, and, uh... I said "extreme" already, right?

Alfonse: There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human.
Vamp Willow: Really? Who do you work for?
Alfonse: I'm not telling you a thing.

[Vamp Willow breaks one of Alfonse's fingers, causing him to scream in pain.]

Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?
Alfonse: Wilkins. The mayor.

[Vamp Willow breaks another of Alfonse's fingers; another yelp of pain.]

Vamp Willow: Who do you work for? [bats her eyes suggestively]
Alfonse: [gets it] You.

Willow: Jeez, who died? (pause) Oh, God! Who died?

[Buffy and Xander both give Willow a long hug, thoroughly confusing her.]
Willow: I love you guys, too? ... OK, oxygen becoming an issue.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?

Buffy: Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh, something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: I.D. [Anya stares at him incredulously.] I.D.
Anya: [loses her temper] I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: I.D.
Anya: [sighs, defeated] Gimme a Coke.

Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.

Oz: Ten to one. Could get pointless.

Oz: [to Angel, upon seeing Vamp Willow] Get Buffy. Do it now.

Vamp Willow: You don't have to be afraid... just to please me.

Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.

[Angel rushes into the library, out of breath and upset.]
Angel: Buffy, I... Something happened that... Willow's dead.
[Giles, Xander and Buffy seem unmoved. Willow steps forward.]
Angel: Hey Willow. [confused] Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.

Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. E-except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: [sardonic smile] Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh yeah.

Vamp Willow: [seeing her non-vampire self] Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
Vamp Willow: I kinda like the idea of the two of us. We could be quite a team... if you came around to my way of thinking.
Willow: Would that mean we have to snuggle?
Vamp Willow: What do you say? [licks Willow's neck lasciviously] Wanna be bad?

Vamp Willow: [turning the corner to confront Willow] You don't want to play, I guess I can't force you... Oh wait, I can.
Willow: [shoots Vamp Willow with a tranquilizer gun]
Vamp Willow: [groggily] ...Bitch... [falls to the ground]

Willow: [looking at the unconscious Vamp Willow] It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. [whispers to Buffy] And I think I'm kind of gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually... [Buffy glares at him]... it's a good point.

Buffy: Uh, I have a really bad idea.

Willow: [in Vamp Willow's leather outfit] It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe... [stares down at her cleavage] Gosh, look at those.

Willow: [impersonating Vamp Willow] She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her... and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live.

Vamp Willow: [wakes up in Willow's fuzzy sweater] Oh, this is like a nightmare.

Vamp Willow: Yeah. Lemme out... 'cause I'm so helpless.
Vamp Willow: Uh, I was looking at books. I like... books... 'cause I'm shy.

Vamp Willow: Don't wanna talk. Hungry.

Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?
Vamp Willow: Not yet.
Cordelia: I should just leave you in there, but I'm a great humanitarian, and you will just have to think of a way to pay me back sometime.
[Cordelia unlocks the library cage to let Vamp Willow out]
Vamp Willow: OK. [changes to vampire face] How about dinner?

Cordelia: Willow... They got Willow... [suddenly turns to Wesley] So, are you doing anything tonight?

Anya: [confronting Willow] I'm just so tired of being around human beings and all their baggage. I don't care if I ever get my powers back. [indicates Alfonse] I think he should eat you.
Willow: [pointing at Anya] This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend! [desperate] Look at my outfit!
Alfonse: A human. I should have smelled it right away.
Willow: A human? Oh yeah? Could a human do this? [screams at the top of her lungs]
Anya: [unimpressed] Sure. Yeah. Humans do that. Yeah.
Alfonse: Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah.

[Vamp Willow, enraged, confronts her human double.]

Willow: [meekly] No more snuggles? [Vamp Willow backhands her across the face, then starts to choke her.]

Vamp Willow: This world's no fun.
Willow: [suddenly sympathetic] You noticed that, too?

Xander: So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? [vampire Willow gives him a look] Oh yeah... I'm bad!

Giles: Now don't you try any tricks now.
Anya: [sulking] I don't need tricks. When I get my powers back, you will all grovel before me.

[Both Willows snort with laughter]

Willow: Good luck. Try not to kill people. [hugs Vamp Willow and gets groped] Hands! Hands!

Vamp Willow: [seconds after returning to her world, she gets staked - again] Aw, fu- [dusts]


Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual.
Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Buffy: I know this. It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.

Willow: Buffy, I too know the love of a taciturn man, you have to look at their actions.
Buffy: I was.

Willow: Wow! Like father like son.
Oz: How 'bout exact same guy like exact same guy.
Wesley: Mayor Wilkins is over 100 years old. He's not human.

Xander: You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back in the really bad sense, and um, I told you so.
Wesley: Angelus has turned? Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure?
Xander: Gee, let me think. Kind of hard to tell. Last thing I remember was his fist.
Wesley: We must contact Giles immediately.
Xander: Good thinking. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, and see how dead she gets.
Cordelia: Slow down, Xander. This isn't Wesley's fault.
Xander: Actually, it is. Faith was your responsibility. Guess who's Angel's new playmate?
Willow: Faith and Angel? Together?
Xander: Imagine the possibilities.

Faith: What can I say, B, I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.


Giles: You touched one of the demons?
Buffy [inspecting her left hand under a magnifying lamp]: A good touch, not a bad touch. Anyway, it's been itching like crazy. [switches off the lamp] No big. Just another problem for the good people at Lubriderm, right?
[Giles shows Buffy a drawing from the book he's reading. It shows a mouthless demon, the kind Buffy killed the previous night.]
Giles: That's the demon in question?
Buffy: In the disgusting flesh.
Giles: Hmm.
Buffy: What?
Giles: It says they can infect the host.
Buffy: Infect?
[Giles continues reading]
Buffy [concerned]: Infect?!
[Giles is still reading]
Buffy: Giles!
[Giles finally turns to Buffy]
Buffy [starting to panic]: Infect!?
Giles: Oh, uh, infect the host with an aspect of the demon. That's all it says.
Buffy: A part of the demon... I hope it's not the outside part.

Angel: Hey, I'll love you - even if you're covered with slime.
Buffy: I liked everything until that part.

Angel: And Buffy, be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say... immortality?
Angel: Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: [deadpan] I'm a funny guy.

Oz: [voice over] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Hmm.
Xander: [voice over] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! Four times five is 30. Five times six is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually... bye. [bolts from the library]

Xander: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everybody down for no reason.
Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.
Oz: It's bordering on trendy at this point.

Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: [goes to leave, glances back] I'll be downstairs. [exits] You feel better!
Buffy: Twice!?

Cordelia: Hi Mr. Beech! I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it's for the yearbook!

[Buffy finds Jonathan in the clock tower with a rifle.]
Jonathan: Go away!
Buffy: Never gonna happen.
Jonathan: You think I won't use this?
Buffy: I don't know, Jonathan. I just –
Jonathan: Stop doing that!
Buffy: Doing what?
Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot!
Buffy: I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody's really paying attention?
Jonathan: You think I just want attention?
Buffy: No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain.
Jonathan [bitterly]: Oh, right! Because the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler!
Buffy: You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening... You know, I could've taken that by now.
Jonathan: I know.
Buffy: [holds out hand] I'd rather do it this way. [takes the rifle from Jonathan]

Willow: So you're feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked... and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me... and then we talked some more.
Willow: See? That's how it should work!

[Buffy and Giles are walking toward the high school.]
Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to prom.
Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you...
Buffy: Oh, come on! What am I, Saint Buffy? He's, like, three feet tall!
Giles: I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!
[Giles walks right into a tree.]


[Buffy and Angel are hunting vampires in a cemetery at night.]
Buffy: So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're... the same age you are now?
[A vampire growls behind them.]
Angel: Let's just get you to fifty.
Buffy: Liking that plan.

Willow: Sounds like your mom is in a state of denial.
Buffy: More like a continent.

Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. I want to leave.
Wesley: What? Now?
Buffy: No, not now. After I graduate, you know, college?
Wesley: But you're a Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah. I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my slayer-ness. That's... something-ism.

Mayor Wilkins: Uh, what happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him.
Faith: Made him an offer he couldn't survive.

Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

Oz: OK, toad me.

Faith: Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you! You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big, selfish, worthless waste.
[Faith knocks Willow to the ground.]
Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
Willow: [stands up] Aw, and here I just thought you didn't have a comeback.

Principal Snyder: [to Buffy, et al.] You - all of you - why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?

Buffy: I can't let you stay because of me.
Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith, things just kinda got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
Buffy: I kind of love you.
Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad-ass Wicca, and what better place to learn?
Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
Willow: Mochas?
Buffy: Yes please! [the two get up and walk away] It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.
Willow: Neat, huh?
Buffy: Sometimes it is.

The Prom

Anya: The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
Xander: Well, hey! Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why you talking to me?
Anya: [averting her eyes] I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh! I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil... Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Anya: When I lost my powers I got stuck with this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
Anya: Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?
[Xander's eyes lower for a second, then flick back up to Anya's face.]

Buffy: Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice.

Xander: I myself will be dipping into my hard-earned road fund to procure a shiny new tux, so look for me to dazzle!
Giles: And I will be wearing pink taffeta as chenille will not go with my complexion. Can we please talk about the Ascension?

Willow: I'm sorry. It must be horrible.
Buffy: I think horrible is still coming, right now it's worse, right now I'm just trying to keep from dying. [sobbing] I can't breathe, Wil. I feel like I can't breathe.

Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?

[Buffy and Angel bump into each other at the butchers.]
Angel: What are you doing here?
Buffy: Hello to you, too.
Angel: Sorry, I'm just ... surprised.
Buffy: Me too, I don't know why though. Where did I think you get your blood? McPlasma's?

Jonathan: This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, the prom committee asked me to read this... We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.
Crowd outbursts: Zombies! . . . Hyena people! . . . Snyder! [laughter]
Jonathan: But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history... [applause from the crowd]... And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. [produces a glittering, miniature umbrella with a small plaque attached to the shaft] It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector."
[The crowd breaks into sustained applause and cheering.]

Giles: I had no idea that children en masse could be gracious.
Buffy: Every now and then, people surprise you.
Giles: [looking past her to Angel] Every now and then.

[Buffy and Angel are in the sewers looking for a vampire]
Buffy: I always say patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinky sewers.
Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here.
Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We could say he was this big. [Holds hands apart to indicate size]
Angel: What can I say? I need closure.
Buffy: You need clothes. You don't have a tux, do you?
Angel: Since when did patrolling go black tie?
Buffy: For the Prom, silly.
Angel: We have more important things to think about right now than a dance, Buffy.
Buffy: Sorry, Giles. I'll just be quiet.
Angel: Sorry.
BUffy: Why is it that every time I mention the prom you always get grouchy?
Angel: We need to talk. But not here, not now.
Buffy: NO, if you have something to tell me, tell me now.

Buffy: I can't believe you're breaking up with me.

Graduation Day, Part One

[After Willow and Harmony have signed each other's yearbooks.]
Willow: I'm going to miss her.
Buffy: Don't you hate her?
Willow: Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. Vacuous tramp... It's like a sickness, Buffy. I'm missing everything. I miss P.E.!

Xander: You guys didn't hear? Guess who our Commencement speaker is.
Willow: Siegfried?
Xander: No.
Willow: Roy?
Xander: No.
Willow: One of the tigers?
Xander: Come out of the fantasy, Will.

Anya: So I was wondering... maybe if you're free this weekend... we could do some... entertaining thing.
Xander: Would that be along the lines of you telling me all about the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause pencil me in!
Anya: Well, we could do something else you like. We could, um, watch sports of some kind.
Xander: Uh, I don't know.
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all that you've learned?

Xander: The mayor is going to kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh! Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I was thinking I might skip it.

Willow: If we want to make ferns invisible, or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here.
Oz: Our lives are different than other people's.

Willow: I think we could be dead in two days and you're being ironic, detachment guy.
Oz: Would it help you if I panic?
Willow: Yes! It'd be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis. And everything's really scary now, you know? And I don't know what's going to happen. A-a-and there's all sorts of things that you're supposed to get to do after high school, and I was really looking forward to doing them, and now we're probably just going to die, and I'd like to feel that maybe you would --
[Oz kisses her.]
Willow: What are you doing?
Oz: Panicking.
[Oz kisses Willow again, they fall onto Willow's bed.]

Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
Xander: Well, I'm sorry I give you barfy feelings.
Anya: Come with me.
Xander: I can't.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I got friends on the line.
Anya: So?
Xander: That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?

Xander: [looking at a three-page foldout of the demon] We're going to need a bigger boat.

Graduation Day, Part Two

Xander: Here is your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Giles: Thank you. [sips] Horrible.
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but you are destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.

Cordelia: I demand an explanation.
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh, inbreeding?

Cordelia: It's just such a Buffy thing to do... She is always thinking of herself.

Angel: You've been watching over me? [kisses Willow's hand]
Willow: Well, we've been taking turns.

Willow: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
Oz: You too, huh?

Faith: "Miles to go". Little Miss Muffet, counting down from 7-3-0.
Buffy: Great. Riddles.
Faith: Sorry, it's my head.

Faith: Human weakness... never goes away.

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Cordelia: My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
Xander: I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it coming.

Wesley: I'm not here for the council. Just tell me how I can help.
Cordelia: That is so classy! Isn't he just so classy?
Buffy: It's a start.
Wesley: So there is something I can do? Besides scream like a woman.

Xander: I'm still key-guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Then Angel, in his non-key-guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey! Key-guy is still talking.
Buffy: Oh, that's good! Start bickering. That's going to look great for us. You guys are like little old ladies!

Xander: Harmony, listen, I need to talk to you for a sec.
Harmony: You mean in front of other people?

Wesley: No... No cause to hope that... I might be needed?
Cordelia: Needed?
Wesley: Or... wanted?
Cordelia: Wanted...

Snyder: Congratulations to the class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet... Spit out that gum. Please welcome our distinguished guest speaker, Richards Wilkins the Third. I saw that gesture. You see me after graduation.

Mayor Wilkins: Well, what a day this is! Special day. Today is our centennial, the one-hundredth anniversary of the founding of Sunnydale, and I know what that mean to all you kids: not a darn thing. Because today something much more important happens. Today you all graduate from high school. Today all the pain, all the work, all the excitement is finally over. And what's a hundred years of history compared to that? You know what, kids?
Buffy: Oh my God. He's going to do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil!
Mayor Wilkins: ... for all of you it may be that there is a place in Sunnydale's history, whether you like it or not. It's been a long road getting here. For you. For Sunnydale. There was been achievement, joy, good times. And there has been grief. There's been loss. Some people who should be here today... aren't. But we are. Journeys end. And what is a journey? Is it just.. distance travelled? Time spent? No. It's what happens on the way, it's the things that shape you. At the end of the journey you're not the same. Today is about change. Graduation doesn't just mean your circumstances change, it means you do. You ascend... to a higher level. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.
Mayor Wilkins: It has begun. My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected. I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish!

Snyder: This is not orderly... this is not disciplined... you're on my campus, Buddy, and when I say I want quiet I mean... [the Mayor eats him]

Buffy: Hey! You remember this? I took it from Faith. Stuck it in her gut. Just slid it in her like she was butter. You want to get it back from me... Dick?

Oz: Guys. Take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.

Season 4

The Freshman

Willow: Professor Walsh is supposed to be great, she's, like, world renowned.
Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nouned first?
Willow: Yes, first there's the painful nouning process.

Girl: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Buffy: Uh, you know I meant to and then I just got really busy.

Buffy: It's nice that you're excited.
Willow: It's just that in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon, you really had to work to learn anything. But here... the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force. This penetrating force.. and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into... [considers what she's saying] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.

Willow: [spots Oz] Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on campus boyfriend!
Buffy: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up, the line's probably really long now too.

Giles: What, I can't have a social life?
Buffy: No, you're old.

Buffy: It's too bad Giles couldn't be librarian here. Be convenient.
Willow: Well, he says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
Willow: Uh-huh, he's a slacker now.

Willow: He said he wasn't coming back until he had driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Well, he seemed so determined.

Buffy: Can't wait till mom sees the price of these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.

Professor Walsh: Okay, this is Psych 105. Introduction to Psychology. I am Professor Walsh. Those of you who fall into my good graces will come to know me as Maggie, those of you who don't will come to know me by the name my T.A.'s use and think I don't know about: The Evil Bitch-Monster of Death.

Eddie: On Human Bondage, have you ever read it?
Buffy: Oh, I'm not really into porn... I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back.

Chubby Vamp: Does this sweater make me look fat?
Sunday: No, the fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple.

Buffy: You saw the grand canyon?
Xander: Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon, on cable. Really lame.
Buffy: Huh?
Xander: Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night, when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say, I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the loving arms of my parents, where everything is exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy: Male strippers?
Xander: No power on this earth!

Living Conditions

Willow: And you thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over.
Buffy: No such luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know, like 'mini-mom of Momdonia.' Wait. Did you just hear something?

Willow: Happy hunting.
Buffy: Wish me monsters.

Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing, I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the 'brain thing'.

Buffy: ... so then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this!"
[She punches the air.]
Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.

Xander :Why couldn't Giles own chains like any self respecting bachelor?

Buffy: You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer!
[She brings her foot up, around and down onto a bench, breaking it in two.]
Buffy: She's... other really bad things.
Oz: On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.

Willow: [on the phone with Rupert Giles] Giles, I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. [pause] No, not bitchy crazy, more like... homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, OK?

Taparrich: [subtitled] There you are. Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in, young lady?
Kathy: [subtitled] I'm not going back!
Taparrich: [subtitled] Don't take that tone with me.
Kathy: [subtitled]I'm 3,000 years old! When are you going to stop treating me like I'm 900?

The Harsh Light of Day

Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
Xander: Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.

Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her!
Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.
Spike: Harm!

Anya: I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.

Xander: Whoa! Giles has a TV! Everybody... Giles has a TV, he's shallow like us!

Fear, Itself

[Buffy and her friends are carving jack o' lanterns.]
Xander: I don’t know. I was going for ferocious, scary, but it’s coming out more dryly sardonic.
Willow: It does appear to be mocking you with its eye holes.
Oz: The nose hole seems sad and full of self-loathing.
Xander: Sad Buffy.
Willow: She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's just a freak with no face.
Oz: She's still suffering from a little post-Parker depression.
Xander: Bailing on The Buff. Anyone else wanna smack that guy? [Oz and Willow raise their hands]

Anya: You haven't called. Not once!
Xander: You said you were over me.
Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Xander: Well, that's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That's stupid.
Xander: I accept that.

[Xander shows up for the Halloween campus party wearing a tuxedo.]
Xander: Bond. James Bond. Insurance, you know, in case we get turned into our costumes again. I’m going for cool secret agent guy.
Buffy: I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably end up cool head waiter guy.

Willow: I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, plus she has that close relationship with God.
Xander: [to Oz] And you are?
[Oz opens his jacket and reveals a name tag that says "God."]
Xander: Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.
Oz: Blasphemer.

[Oz switches off the sound system.]
Buffy: Thank the Lord!
Oz: You're welcome.

Giles: We need to create a door.
Anya: Create a door? You can do that?
Giles: I can. [turns around with a chain saw]

Xander: If we close our eyes and say it's a dream... it'll stab us to death.

Giles: ...Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the mark of Gachnar...
[Buffy puts her fist through the pentagram on the floor, then turns to Giles, satisfied.]
Giles: ...is not one of them and will in fact immediately bring forth the fear demon itself!

[The demon Gachnar slowly emerges from the pentacle in the floor... and is revealed to be just six inches tall.]
Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: [looks down mockingly at Gachnar] Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: [in a squeaky voice]: I am the dark lord of nightmares, the bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
Willow: He... he's so cute!
Gachnar: Tremble!
[Xander pokes a finger at the tiny demon, speaking to it as if to a puppy.]
Xander: Who's a little fear demon? Come on! Who's a little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why, can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just... tacky.
Gachnar [to Buffy]: They're all going to abandon you, you know.
Buffy: Yeah, yeah. [casually squashes Gachnar underfoot]

[Buffy and her friends are helping themselves to Giles' Halloween candy]
Buffy: There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate...
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
Buffy: ... except that.

Giles: Oh, bloody hell! The inscription!
Buffy: What's the matter?
Giles: I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What's it say?
Giles: [disgusted] "Actual size."

Beer Bad

Willow: Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
Xander: Au contraire, mon frere.
Buffy: Mon frere means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frere. Behold! [holds up a fake ID]
Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.

Willow: Buffy that is my best friend you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! [looks around] Too loud, very unseemly.

Willow: ...I'm sorry to be so coarse, but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man.

Colm: No, no, I rudely interrupted and it sounds like the two of you were having quite the meeting of minds. Possibly debating the geo-political ramifications of bioengineering. You have a take on that?
Xander: I've got beer. You want some beer?

Oz: Hey, you got a table. [Oz hands Willow a drink.]
Willow: I had to kill a man.
Oz: Well it's a really good table.

Willow: Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.

Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
Giles: You knew it was beer!
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!
Giles: It was the early seventies, and you should know better.

Xander: And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy.
Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This'll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!

Wild at Heart

Willow: [faking a dream] All Geminis to the raspberry hats.

Willow: How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?
Buffy: I thought that was the point.

Oz: You don't wanna find out what I am.
Veruca: You're an animal... Animals kill.
Oz: You're right. We kill.

Willow: Oz, don't you love me?
Oz: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.

The Initiative

Riley: There is definitely something off about her.
Friend: Maybe she's Canadian.

Giles: Based off of Buffy's description I believe the men we are after for look something like, uh, like this…
Xander: The latest in fall fascism. I like it but a bit full in the hips for my tastes.

Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [exits]
Professor Walsh: I like her.

Willow: OK, say that I help and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops and it feels like the whole world's made for you two and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.
Riley (taken aback): Yep, that's the plan.
Willow: I figured it was.

[Willow advises Riley about catching Buffy's eye.]
Willow: Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.

[Spike, having tricked Willow into inviting him into her dorm room, prepares to attack her.]
Spike: I'll give you a choice. Now I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.
Willow [frightened]: I'll scream!
Spike: Bonus. [moves toward Willow's neck]
[A short time later, Spike sits on Willow's bed, confused and disconsolate. Willow still cowers from him.]
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow [timidly trying to offer comfort]: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.
[He tries to attack Willow again, only to crumple in searing pain from a microchip the Initiative scientists implanted in his brain.]
Spike: Ow ow ow! Dammit!! [kicks a dresser]
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me it doesn't!
Spike [desperate and embarrassed]: I'm only 126!
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? Or...
[Finally realizing the insanity of her advice, Willow grabs a lamp, smashes it over Spike's head and tries to flee the room.]

Buffy: Last night, at the party - you wanted to tell me something?
Riley: Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now, but you would have been fascinated, possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
Buffy [smiles]: You're a little peculiar.
Riley: I can live with that.


Willow: Thanksgiving isn't a-about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another! A-and then they make animated specials about the part where... w-with the maize and th-the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene, where... where all the bison die, a-and Squanto takes a musketball in the stomach!
Buffy: Okay, now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?

Buffy: With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.
Anya: Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: It's not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice... with pie.

Anya: Soon, he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.

Buffy: It's a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
Willow: You're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, you look like you're getting all of them.
Xander: Okay, I'll stay. But you should go, you could catch it.
Anya: We'll die together, It's romantic... Help me get your trousers off.
Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
Xander: Oh, there's a chance I'm delirious.
Anya: Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far I like it.

Willow: Angel, you're evil again!
Xander: Angel, you're evil again!
Angel: Why does everybody think I'm evil? I haven't been evil for a long time.

Buffy: Native American. We don't say Indian.
Giles: Oh, oh, right, yes. Always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as bloody colonials.

Buffy: The thing is, I like my evil like I like my men. Evil. You know, straight-up, black hat, tie you to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis, bad. Not all mixed up with guilt and the destruction of an indigenous culture.

Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
Xander: You gotta lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is-
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: Heh heh. Yeah...Good luck.
Willow: If we could talk to him--
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.
Giles: I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.

Anya: Uh, you're gonna get vesicles and pustules. They have pictures.
Xander: I hate this guy.
Willow: He's just doing what was done to him.
Xander: I didn't give him syphilis!

On of the first arrows is shot and it hits Spike, a few inches next to his heart.
Spike: Hey! Watch the heart!

Willow and Anya are hitting an Indian with a shovel, but it doesn't seem to kill him.
Willow and Anya: Why won't you die!
Angel rushes over to aid them, breaks the Indian's neck and throws the body to the ground.
Anya: What's he like when he is evil?

Buffy cuts the Indian with his own knife, thinking she can defeat him. Instead, he changes into a huge bear.
Spike: A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I, I didn't mean to.
Spike: Undo it, undo it!

Xander: Hey, Gentle Ben, over here! (Throws an apple at the bear) That's for giving me syphilis!

The fight is over and the indians are dead. The Gang are trying to get some fresh air, while Spike lies on his back on the floor with all the arrows in him.
Spike: What happened? Did we win?

Something Blue

Giles: Look, Spike - we have no intention of killing a harmless... uh, creature... we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're... impotent...
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy -
Buffy: [sarcastically] Giles, help! He's going to scold me.

Spike: "Passions" is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -
Giles: Do what? Lick me to death?

Buffy: You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rank huge in the Zagat's guide.

Xander: [sees Willow on the dance floor, spaced out and too happy] I believe that's the dance of a brave little toaster.

Willow: Yeah... I-I know I've been sort of a party-poop lately, so I said to myself, "Self!" I said, "It's time to shake and shimmy it off."
Buffy: Sounds like a good policy.
Willow: Yeah! And it works, too. You know, I figure, in the grand scheme of things, we're all just-
[Willow grabs her jacket and from underneath it falls a bottle of beer, its contents foaming out.]
Buffy: Drunk...?
Willow: Drunk... That's such a-a strong word. Kind of a guttural Anglo-Saxon word. Drunk.

Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear...
Spike: Swear, what? You're not gonna do anything to me. You don't have the stones.
Buffy: Oh, I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of... stones.

Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike?" 'cause either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: [tartly] Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: Huh... such a good question.

Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception...
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How about a daytime ceremony. In the park.
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
Spike: Warm breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again you're registering as Mr. and Mrs. Big-Pile-of-Dust.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike: [to Buffy] What are you looking at?
Buffy: The man I love.

[She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]

Xander: Can I be blind too?

Xander: Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of love... OK, that was gross.

Willow: Eat a cookie, ease my pain?

Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
[Xander, Anya and Giles turn and stare incredulously at Buffy.]
Buffy: [embarrassed] ... That was the spell!


[Buffy is dreaming.]
Little Girl:
Can't even shout, can't even cry.
The gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows, knocking on doors.
They need to take seven, and they might take yours.
Can't call to Mom, can't say a word.
You're gonna die-a-screaming, but you won't be heard.

Willow: Man, that was an exciting class, huh?
Buffy: Oh, yeah — wow.
Willow: And the last twenty minutes — it was a revelation. Just laid out everything we need to know for the final. I'd hate to have missed that.
Buffy: Just tell me I didn't snore.
Willow: Very discreet. Minimal drool.

Riley: So tell me about your dream. As a psych major, I'm qualified to go, "hmm..."

[On the phone, Buffy tells Giles about her dream.]
Giles: "Can't even shout, can't even cry. The gentlemen are coming by." Um, it sounds vaguely familiar. You're sure it's - nothing you heard when you were a child? ... Well, i-it could definitely be one of your prophetic dreams, or it could be just the eternal mystery that is your brain.

[Spike complains about the lack of "Weetabix" cereal.]
Giles: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yep. Well, sometimes, I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood -- give it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.

[At Giles's apartment, Xander and Anya are arguing about their relationship.]
Xander: If you don't know how I feel about -
Anya: I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
[The others are silent with disbelief.]
Xander: OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.
[Giles dumps Spike on Xander.]
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.

[Willow complains to Buffy about her college Wiccan group.]
Willow: Talk. All talk. "Blah blah Gaia, blah blah moon." Menstrual lifeforce power thingy. You know, after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but...
Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group?
Willow: No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. You know, nowadays every girl with a Henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.

[Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]
Spike: Don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you, anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

Spike: (Mimicking Anya) Xander, don't you care about me?
Xander: Shut up.
Spike: We never talk...
Xander: Shut up!
Spike: Xaaaander...

[The episode's villains have stolen everybody's voices, so the dialogue is all written or mimed]
Giles: Who are the Gentlemen?
Giles: They are fairy tale monsters.
Giles: What do they want?
Willow: [points at her chest]
Xander: [cups himself; silently, but you can read his lips:] Boobies?
Giles: Hearts.
Willow: [points to the white board saying she meant hearts, not boobies]
Giles: They come to a town.
Giles: They steal all the voices no one can scream.
Giles: Then? [shows drawings of Gentlemen ripping out the heart from a person in bed]
Giles: They need seven, they have at least two.
Xander: How do we kill them?
Buffy: [mimes stabbing gesture, but she looks more like a man masturbating]
Giles, Willow, Xander: [look at Buffy with disturbed faces]
Buffy: [mimes again stabbing gesture, this time with a stake]
Giles, Willow, Xander: [look at Buffy, relieved]
Giles: In the tales no sword can kill them.

Willow: Well, get with it. I need my vicarious smoochies!

Riley: So. I guess we have to talk.
Buffy: I guess we do.
[Total silence]


[Spike pulling the big red leather chair in Xander’s basement to one side of the water leaking from the ceiling.]
Spike: Soddin' sleeping chair is bloody – sodden.
Xander: I have to get to work
Spike: Yeah,delivering melted cheese on Bread.Doing your part to keep America Constipated
Xander: You earn your keep or you don't get kept [Hands spike a wrench.] When you're done with the leak, try cleaning up this mess. [As Xander is turned around, Spike tries to hit him only to get a searing pain] And doing a little laundry wouldn't kill you. Unfortunately.

Xander: Spike?
Spike: (Off Camera) Don't turn around
Xander: What's the matter?(Turns around) Oh my God

(Xander sees Spike wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt and shorts)

[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
Willow: Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
Xander: It's kind of the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
Buffy: I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like...
Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?
Giles: It's, ah, the earthquake... that symbol... yes.
Buffy: I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Spike:Am i even vaguely scary anymore?(He moves in to bite Willow,who does not flinch)

[Spike is poised over an upright stake, arms spread wide as he prepares to fall on it.]
Spike: Goodbye, Dru. See you in Hell.

Willow: Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.
Spike:[extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?
Spike:[To Xander]Kids your age are heading off to University.You've made it as far as the Basement.And Red here couldn't even keep Dog boy happy.You can take the loser out of high school,but...
Willow:I see what you're doing.You're trying to get us to stake you
Spike:I'm not.I just don't want pity from Geeks more useless than i am

Giles:: Oh, as usual, dear.

Riley: Hey, Willow! Xander, right? Geez, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing by and I thought I heard people inside.
Willow: You were just passing by in your G.I. Joe outfit?
Riley:[To Spike]Do I know you?
Spike:[Using a poor Southern Accent]No.No sir.Just an old pal of Xander's here

Spike: What’s this? Sitting around watching the telly while there’s evil still afoot. That’s not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can’t go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let’s find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. ... Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let’s annihilate them. For justice... and for... the safety of puppies – and Christmas, right? Let’s fight that evil! ... Let’s kill something! [Fade to black.] Oh, come on!

A New Man

Riley: But you killed the- You did that thing with that- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention... daily... slayage of... Wow.
Buffy: It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse".

[Spike is in the process of 'moving out' of Xander's basement.]

Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]
Xander: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what? Shocked and dissapointed? I'm evil!
Giles:Ethan Rayne.You have no idea how much thrashing You is going to improve my day
Ethan:We used to be friends,Ripper.When did all that change?
Giles:Around the same time You started to worship Chaos
Ethan:Oh,Religious Intolerance.Sad,that

Ethan Rayne: [having a pint together.] Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my arse?
Giles: No.
Ethan Rayne: Oh. It's more fun for me.

Giles: [drunk, bemoaning his lot.] Where am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
Ethan: Well, we won't have to worry about that anymore now, mate. When you went to the loo I slipped a small pellet of poison in your drink. You'll be dead in an hour.

[Dramatic pause.]

Ethan: Just kidding!

Giles: [running through screaming people from Xander's house.] Bloody humans!

Giles: Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.
Spike: Giles?
Giles: Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting -- You understand me?
Spike: Of course I understand you.
Giles: I'm speaking English?
Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And... by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
Giles:Ethan can turn me back and then he needs a good being killed
Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Giles: Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you.
Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.
Giles: Money. I could pay you money.
Spike: Oh, I like money. How much?
Giles: A h-hundred dollars.
Spike: A hundred dollars? You'll have to do a lot better than that. Two-hundred.

[Driving in Giles' Citroen.]

Giles: If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear.
Spike: I'm doing my best, I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it.

Spike:Funny hearing a Fyarl Demon say serviceable.Had a couple of them working for me once.They're more like "Like to crush.Crush now?"Strong though.You won't meet a Jar you can't open for the rest of your life
Giles:Do i have any powers like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams
Spike:Well,you got the mucus
Spike:Paralyzing Mucus.Shoots out through the nose.Sets up fast.Hard as rock.Comes in handy in a fight
Giles:Are you making this up?
Spike:Probably.But you feel a sneeze coming on,you warn me

Giles:I don't like this feeling.A sort of mindless need to destroy.Anger and rage
Spike:Good times.Go with it
Spike:It's fun.I can't do it.Do it for me

Spike:How do you feel,Mate?
Giles:Like snapping necks till everyone's dead
Spike:Now that sounds like a Fyarl Demon.Good for you

Ethan: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the "stay and gloat" that gets me every time.

Giles: How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Only you can look that annoyed with me, Giles.
Giles:Thrashing You is going to improve my day considerably
Buffy:How do you feel?
Giles:Embarrassed,mostly.Ethan's wardrobe isn't helping
Ethan: The Slayer can't kill humans.So there's nothing you can do.(Riley and two soldiers walk in)
Riley:By authority of the United States Militairy,you are hereby placed into militairy custody pending determination of your status(They take Ethan away)
Giles: I'm going to go watch them man handle him into a car.

The I in Team

Willow: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: [offhandedly while stacking her chips] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
[Xander loses control of the deck he was shuffling.]

Buffy: Will, I think you better get used to- a Twinkie!? That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.
Willow: [pouty] Everyone's getting spanked but me.

Buffy: (steely voice) Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on... wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.

Adam: (After killing Professor Walsh, his first act of life) Mommy.

Goodbye Iowa

Buffy: Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
Xander: The... ew! I don't wanna see that.
Buffy: Retinal scan, Xander.

Buffy: Now, I don't generally like to kill humans, but I've learned that it pays to be flexible in life.

Buffy: Spell it out for me - I feel an attack of dumb blonde coming on.

Buffy: I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.

(uncomfortable pause)

Buffy: That probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

[Buffy and Willow are discussing Adam]
Buffy: I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast, he gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
Willow: There's gotta be a flaw.
Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.

This Year's Girl

Joyce: You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Faith: Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tarpits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
Joyce: (sounding bored) Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
Faith: Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean, nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. (voice rising to a shout) Too busy climbing onto her new boytoy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother and she just leaves you here to die!

Who Are You?

Tara: I am, you know.
Willow: What?
Tara: Yours.

Spike: Well, you don't have to worry about me drinking. Unless you're here to protect innocent beers.

Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith [in Buffy's body]: 'Cause I'm a stuck up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.
Faith [in Buffy's body]: 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.
Spike: I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.

Faith [in Buffy's body]: So Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought.

[Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Giles, you turned into a demon and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
Giles: How did I turn into a demon?
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh! 'cause, uh... Ethan Rayne! And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school - which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Wh-Do you want me to continue?
Giles: Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?

Giles: [shouts and gesticulates to distract a policeman so Buffy can slink into the church] Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, our families are in there! Our, um, mothers and-and tiny, tiny babies!!

[Faith, in Buffy's body, enters the church where three vampires are holding the parishioners hostage.]
Vampire: I told the cops, they send anyone in, I start the whole massacre thing.
Faith: [in Buffy's body] Well, I'm not the cops. I just came to pray.
Vampire: Now's a good time to start.
Faith: [in Buffy's body] You're not going to kill these people.
Vampire: Why not?
Faith: [in Buffy's body] [earnestly this time] Because it's wrong.
Vampire: You're the Slayer.
Faith: [in Buffy's body] The one and only.

Buffy [in Faith's body]: You can't win this.
Faith [in Buffy's body]: Shut up! Do you think I'm afraid of you? [starts punching Buffy, beating her own face] You're nothing! Disgusting! Murderous bitch! You're nothing! You're disgusting!


Jonathan: Karen? Tell me what hurt you Karen. I can help.
Karen: It's big! And ugly! and big!

Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?
Anya: Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.

Buffy: I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
Anya: Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-
Buffy: Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
Anya: Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.

Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: No... Yes... it was a gift.
Spike:I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Johnathan and his fluffy battle kitten.
Spike:Back off,Betty
Buffy:Its Buffy,you big...bleached stupid guy

Jonathan: [Of the monster he and Buffy are seeking] Have you seen it?
Spike: No...but then again, I'm probably lying.

[At Giles' place. Riley pages through a spellbook.]
Riley: These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --
[The book catches on fire; Xander closes it rapidly.]
Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Anya: [After Jonathan's reality altering spell has worn off] And who really did star in the Matrix?

Where the Wild Things Are

[When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]
Buffy: Okay, you get Fangs, I'll get Horny. I mean...

Spike and Anya are at Riley's frat house for the party, when Spike realizes these are the people who chipped him and who hunted him after he escaped.
Spike: What are you doing. You brought me here?
Xander: Anya! What are doing. You brought him here?
Spike: That's what I said. Only, I hit the "here" part.

Xander: Buffy and Riley are trapped.
Anya: So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?
Xander: Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?
Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.

[Giles is singing and playing "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who at an espresso bar. Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watch from the door, amazed. All three girls are riveted; Willow's and Anya's mouths are hanging open.]
Anya: Oh.
Willow: Wow.
Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: [sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
Anya: His voice is... pleasant.
Xander: [incredulous.] What?!
Willow: Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.

Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it, dealt it! [To Giles] It's like what you said, only faster.

Xander: So this totally adds to my 'old people are crazy' theorem.

Xander: So with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness 'round the clock lately maybe they set something free, like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Tara: We implore you ... be still.
Giles: Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage.
Willow: Transform your pain. Release your past. And, uh... get over it.

Anya: Shut up, repressed cry-babies!

New Moon Rising

Tara: So, I'm excited about the Scooby meeting... I think. What's it about?
Willow: I'm not sure. Probably just your garden variety disaster.

Buffy: Zippo. Patrol has been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.
Willow: [to Tara] She means that there's been less bad guy activity.
Giles: And we know what that often indicates.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer!

[Buffy holds a crossbow to Col.Macnamara]

Buffy:Stand back or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader
Xander:You'll bore him to death with free prose
Buffy:Was I the only one awake in English that day?
Buffy:Oz isn't a Demon.Something happened to Him that wasn't his fault.I never knew You were such a Bigot
Riley:I'm not.I'm just saying its a little strange to date someone who tries to eat You once a month

Willow: [Speaking of Oz's return] It's complicated...because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No... [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh!!
Buffy: [almost babbling with the shock of Willow's revelation] Well, there you go! I mean, you know, you have to... follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.
Willow: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Buffy: Like what, Will?
Willow: Are you freaked?
Buffy: [overly insistent] What? No, Will! [pauses, then gathers her emotions] No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me.
Willow: I don't want to hurt anyone, Buffy.
Buffy: No matter what, somebody's going to get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it's going to be a lot worse.

Spike:Bad news travels fast among us Demons.We like a bit of fun

Spike:The thing about the Slayer is she is a whiny little thing,but when it comes to fighting she does have a slight tendency to win

Spike:The door was unlocked.You should watch that,Rupert.Someone dangerous could get in
Buffy:Or someone formally dangerous and currently annoying
Spike:Now,now.None of that or I won't help you get Red's mongrel back

Col. MacNamara: [To Riley, after he helps Buffy and the others free Oz] You're a dead man, Finn!
Riley: No, sir. [punches MacNamara out] I'm an anarchist.

Willow: No candles? I brought one. It's... extra flamey. [beat] Tara, I have to tell you...
Tara: No, I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love. [beat]
Willow: [looks a bit hurt, then smiles] I am.
Tara: You mean...
Willow: I mean. [pause] Okay?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. A-and I'm gonna make it up to you. [smiles] Starting right now.
Tara: [smiles] Right now?
[Willow nods and smiles]
[Tara blows the candle out]

The Yoko Factor

Giles: [singing] If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
Well I must be traveling on now
There's too many places I've got to see
And if I stay here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as bird now--
[Giles suddenly shrieks as he realizes Spike is standing in the room.]
Spike: You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume', you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again.

Xander: Try those on. You'll feel like a new man.
Riley: Would this man have a bright red nose and big, floppy feet?

Willow: Crack a government encrypted code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie.
Spike: You're not exactly the wiz these days either. God, I'm never going to get paid.
Willow: I am a wiz.
Tara: She is a wiz.
Willow: If ever a wiz there was.

Spike:(happily) Now that was fun!
Adam: You were successful?
Spike: ("no problem" scoff) Easier than I'd thought it'd be, too.
Adam: You're sure?
Spike: (scoffs) Feel it in my bones. I call it...the Yoko Factor. (off Adam's look) Don't tell me you've never heard of the Beatles?
Adam:: I have. (stands) I like "Helter Skelter."
Spike: What a surprise. The point is, they were once a real powerful group. It's not a stretch to say they ruled the world. And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there. You know how it is with kids. They go off to college, they grow apart. Way of the world.

Xander: You and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and put around the bat cave with crusty old Alfred here.
Giles: Ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.

Buffy: I'm starting to understand why there isn't an ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends.

amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow
Xander: Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!
Giles: Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
Buffy: Are you drunk?
Giles: [finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.
Buffy: Well, stop it!!
Buffy: You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!
Willow: It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
Buffy: [perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'
Willow: Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...
Xander: No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!
Giles: [from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!

Giles: Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the Church approved.

Buffy: Okay, Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I-I could... I could go back, scope it out, track him if I have to.
Willow: Right! A-and then maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll still be there, and he could rip your arms off for you. Buffy you can't go back there alone.
Giles: You never train with me anymore. He's gonna kick your ass.
Buffy: Giles!

Willow: Besides, when is there any 'us two'? You two are the two who are the two. I'm the other one.

Xander: And if I did join the army I'd be great. You know why? Because they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained border collie.
Giles: [Removes overshirt while heading upstairs] That's it, I'm going to bed.
Willow: Sure, you'd do wonderful in the army. Hey, do you think the umbilical cord between you and Anya could stretch that far.
Spike:(To Adam)Wow,you're like "Tony Robbins",if he were really big and looked like Frankenstein(Pause)You're exactly like Tony Robbins


[On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to]
Spike: Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.
Adam: The witch?
Spike: Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.
Adam: Her friend.
Spike: Right.
Adam: One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.
Spike: Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.
Adam: So you failed.
Spike: Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-
Adam: Go.
Spike: Gone. (Walks to the door) So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?

[Buffy explains Adam's evil plan]
Xander: Does anyone else miss the Mayor? "I just wanna be a big snake".

Giles: I do speak Sumerian, it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.
Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?
Xander: So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!
Giles: As a matter of fact you are.

Uber-Buffy Sumerian Spell:
Sha mi in dann,
Gesh tuun mi en den,
Zeh mi en den,
O kush ta mi u la,
Baptuum ma duen

[In the bowels of the Initiative complex, "Uber-Buffy" effortlessly stop Adam's attack.]
Adam: How... can you-
Uber-Buffy: You can never hope to grasp the source of our power.
[She digs her hand in his chest and pulls out his power core.]
Uber-Buffy: But yours is right here.


Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and...then I do a spell by myself.

Xander: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after a-
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador also.

Giles: [to Spike, on the swings] Come on, put your back into it! A Watcher scoffs at gravity!

[During Xander's dream, he and Principal Snyder parody "Apocalypse Now."]
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you from, Harris?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, the basement, mostly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Were you born there?
Xander as Captain Willard: Possibly.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there ... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander as Captain Willard: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Where are you heading?
Xander as Captain Willard: Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. [beat] And possibly Buffy's mom.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: Are you a soldier?
Xander as Captain Willard: [shakes head] I'm a comfortador.
Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz: [contemptuous] You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
Xander as Captain Willard: [nods] I'm getting a cramp.

The Cheese Man: I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.

Giles: [sings]
It's strange, it's not like anything we've faced before.
It seems familiar somehow. Of course!
The spell we cast with Buffy
Must have released some primal evil,
That's come back seeking
I'm not sure what.
Willow, look through the chronicles
For some reference
To a warrior beast.
I've got to warn Buffy;
There's every chance she might be next.
Xander, help Willow,
And try not to bleed on my couch;
I've just had it steam-cleaned.

Tara: You think you know. What's to come. What you are. You haven't even begun.
Buffy: I think I need to go find the others.
Tara: Be back before Dawn.

Xander: From now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
Willow: She's not good for the sleeping.
Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about the guy with the cheese. I don't know where in the hell that came from.

Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.

Tara, speaking for The First Slayer: I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.

Buffy: I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm going to be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones. Now give me back my friends.
Tara speaking for The First Slayer:You think you know what you are?Whats to come?You have'nt even begun

Season 5


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Buffy vs. Dracula

Willow: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know, you know?

Dracula [to Xander]: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.
Xander:If You want him,You're going to have to go through Me

[Riley punches him unconcious]

Buffy:You're Dracula?I've met a lot of overweight fanboys in capes calling themselves Lestat
Xander:Where did You pick up the fruity accent?Sesame Street?"One victim,Two victims,ah,ah,ah"

[Buffy stakes Dracula]

Buffy:How do You like my darkness now?

Willow: I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master... [beat as everyone looks at him] ...bator.

Xander: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince! [beat as everyone looks at him] Bator.

[Giles falls into a room with no stairs]

Giles:Oh,good show,Giles.At least You didn't get knocked over the head

Dracula: I knew you'd come.
Buffy: Why? Because I'm under your thrall? [suddenly comes back to herself and pulls out her stake] Well, guess again, pal.
Dracula: Put the stake down.
Buffy: OK. [puts it down, then looks at her hand in surprise] Right. That... was not... you. [sounding unconvinced] I did that. I did that because ... I wanted to. [Dracula watches her]
Buffy: [looks nervously around her] Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing. [whimpers a little]

Dracula: You think you know. What you are, what's to come. You haven't even begun.

Xander: Where is he?! Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap! I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.

[As the mist coalesces into Dracula, Buffy re-stakes him.]
Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
[Dracula turns to dust again, but the mist begins to reform on the ground.]
Buffy: I'm standing right here!
[The mist dissipates completely this time.]

[Walking upstairs in her house, Buffy sees a 14-year-old girl, apparently unfamiliar to her.]
Buffy: What are you doing here?
Joyce: Buffy. If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
Buffy & Dawn: Mom!

Real Me

[Dawn is writing in her diary.]
Dawn: [voice over] I-I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers! But I-I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even!

[Dawn writes in her diary]
Dawn: [voice over] Willow's the awesomest person. She's the only one I know that likes school as much as me. Even her friends are cool! Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. [pause] A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.

Buffy: So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school, a block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.
Willow: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
Buffy: Oh no, do they make an ointment for that?
Willow: People gotta respect a solid work ethic.
Buffy: So... I won't be taking drama with you.
Willow: What? You have to, you promised!
Buffy: Well, I know, but Giles says that it just -
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Willow: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
Buffy: What happened to you people gotta respect a work ethic?
Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole!

[Dawn, again writing in her diary, recalls Xander's arrival to babysit.]
Dawn: [voice over] Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people.
[Anya squeezes through the door behind him.]
Anya: Hello, there, little girl!
Dawn: [voice over] Even when he should.

[Xander and Anya are playing Life with Dawn.]
Anya: Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage…
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework — reading books and stuff.
Spike: What? Evil for Dummies?

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming Committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck.

[Buffy, having killed Harmony's vampire minions, grabs an ax to cut Dawn free from her chains.]
Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home! [swings ax]
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine! I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night! [swings ax] That you got Anya hurt! [swings ax] Invited a vampire in! [swings ax] Got kidnapped! ...

[Giles and Buffy tour the magic shop Giles is about to buy]
Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
[Buffy breaks out laughing as she follows Giles into a back room]

[Dawn finishes writing her diary entry]
Dawn: [voice over] She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.

The Replacement

[Xander is leaving a message on the phone.]
Xander: Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
[cut to Anya, who is doing just that.]
Anya: Am not.
Xander:I need a better place.Hey Buff,you've been to Hell.Did they have apartment listings?

Willow: You have to help me figure this out, you know.
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true, sometimes we all help to save you... And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.
Xander: Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.

Riley: Psychologically this is fascinating, doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? [everyone stares] ...Just me then.

Anya: Well maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Cool Xander: She's joking.
Loser Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.
Giles: We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Anya: Well, what do we do if it doesn't work?
Both Xanders: [simultaneously] Kill us both, Spock! [both laugh]
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

[Xander is moving out of the basement.]
Xander: I just thought you could help carry a little.
Anya: Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?
Xander: Anya. Please.
Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave.

Out of My Mind

Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do!

Buffy: You threw that vampire like he was - a teeny-weeny little vampire.
Riley: Hey, you want to go again? C'mon, I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires.

Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice... and drink deep. [turns around and falls into an open grave] Ow!

Buffy: I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I want to shove something wooden through his heart" kind of way.

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there! That nasty little face, that bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude.
Harmony: Well, aren't we unholy by definition?
Spike: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout o' torture! [Spike throws a lapid and break it]
Harmony: Spike?!
Doctor:[To Harmony]You can't smoke in here
Harmony:[Holding a Crossbow]Oh yeah,says who?[Doctor points to a "No Smoking" sign]Oh my gosh,I'm so sorry.I didn't see the sign.
Spike: You don't understand! I can't get rid of her! She's everywhere. She's haunting me Harmony! This... has got to end.
Joyce:(To Dawn)You want the prize,but not the Cereal.You really are growing up.

No Place Like Home

Big Vampire: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Buffy: [pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Buffy: What are you doing here? [Spike begins to answer] Five words or less.
Spike: [Pauses, then, counting on his fingers] Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
Buffy:Out for a walk by My house at night.I don't have time for this,William
Spike:On your merry way,then.Contrary to one's self involved world view,Your house happens to be directly between parts and other parts of this town.And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing My burst into flames phase
Buffy:Fine.Keep going.I cut You a break
Spike:Let me guess.You won't kill me.The whole crowd pleasing threats and swagger routine.Outstandingly original.You know,I was just passing through.Satisfied?I hope so because God knows You need some satisfaction in Your life besides shagging Captain Cardboard.And I never really liked You anyway.And You have stupid hair

Glory: And another thing I just want you to know, this whole "beat you to death" thing I'm doing? This is valuable time out of life I'm never gonna get back.

Glory: Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms, where if you have one and you rip it in half, you get two worms. Do you think that'll work with you? [Buffy headbutts her] Ow! You hit me. What are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What were you, born in a barn? Fine, be that way! [grabs Buffy by the throat] I just noticed something, you have superpowers, that is so cool. Can you fly? [throws Buffy across the room]

Buffy: I just had a bad day.
Dawn: Well, join the club.
Buffy: Could I be president?
Dawn: I'm president. You could be the janitor.

Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend! Go away!


[Riley and Xander are wrestling.]
Riley: He started it.
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.

Buffy: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.

Tara: You learn her source [grins] and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.
[Everyone stares in confusion. Tara stops smiling.]
Tara: Um, that-that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites… [quietly] and are a complete dork.
Riley: Oh, then how come Xander didn't laugh?
Xander: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

(Buffy and Giles discuss "Glory")

Giles:What was she like?
Buffy:She was a lot like Cordelia

Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Donny: So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander: Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time.

Giles: In fact if you want Tara, you have to go through every one of us.
Spike: [Holds up hand] Except me.
Xander: Except Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.

Mr. Maclay: This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?
Buffy: We're family.
Donny:Tara,if you don't get in that car,I swear by God I will beat you down
Xander:And I swear by your full and manly beard,you're gonna break something trying
Spike:Why don't I make this simple?(Punches Tara,then shouts in pain)She's not a demon.

Tara: even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?
Willow: magic...

Fool for Love

[Riley is patching up Buffy’s stab wound]
Buffy: I can't believe I passed out. Do you think I'm a total wuss now?
Riley: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah. I like a girl who can play a few hard sets of tennis with a major stab wound.
Buffy: You said it wasn't that bad.
Riley: I said I've seen worse. There's a difference.

Joyce: [sees a bottle of rubbing alcohol Riley was using] Are you disinfecting something?
Buffy: Huh? Oh, uh-
Dawn: Mine! Some nail polish experiments are doomed before they even begin.
Joyce: But you keep pushing the envelope, honey.
Dawn: Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on, who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.
Dawn: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy: Not until you're never.

Xander: [re: Riley’s commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D’you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin’?
Willow: It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]
Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.

Buffy: Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.
Giles [uncomfortable with the topic]: Yes, well, the problem is after a final battle, it's difficult to get any... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather...
Buffy: It's OK to use the D-word, Giles.
Giles: Dead. And hence, not very forthcoming.
Buffy: Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.
Giles: Well, I suppose if they're anything like me they just find the whole subject too—
Buffy: Unseemly? Damn, love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.
Giles: Painful, I was going to say. [Giles and Buffy are very quiet for a moment] But you're right; accounts of the final battles would be very helpful. But there's no one left to tell the tales.
[Buffy has a sudden revelation]
Giles: What?

Spike: Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then: We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.
Buffy: Were you born this big a pain in the ass?
Spike: Well, what can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.

[Flashback: London, 1880]
Third Aristocrat: [grabs a sheet of paper from William and reads one of his poems]
My heart expands
'tis grown a bulge in it
Inspired by your beauty
Cecily: Your poetry, it's... they're... not written about me, are they?
William: They're about how I feel.
Cecily: Yes, but are they about me?
William: Every syllable.
Cecily: Oh, God!
William: Oh, I know... it's sudden and... and please, if they're no good, they're only words but... the feeling behind them... I love you, Cecily.
Cecily: Please, stop!
William: I-I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. And all I ask is that... that you try to see me-
Cecily: That's the problem. I do see you. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.

Drusilla: And I wonder what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
William: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. [beat] That and burning baby fish swimming all around your head.
William: That's quite close enough. I've heard tales of London pickpockets. You'll not be getting my purse, I tell you.
Drusilla: Don't need a purse. Your wealth lies here. [points to his heart] And here. [points to his head] In the spirit and... imagination. You walk in worlds the others can't begin to imagine.
William: [riveted] Oh, yes! I mean, no. I mean... um, mother's expecting me.
Drusilla: I see what you want. Something glowing and glistening. Something... effulgent.

[Flashback: Yorkshire, 1880]
Angelus: [throttling Spike] Perhaps it's my advancing years that makes me so forgetful, William. Remind me. Why don't we kill you?
Spike: [choking] ...ike.
Angelus: What's that? [releases Spike in disgust]
Spike: [gasping, speaks with a North London accent] It's "Spike" now. You'd do well to remember it, mate.
Angelus: I'm not your "mate." And when did you start talking like that?
Darla: [to Spike] Look, we barely got out of London alive because of you. Everywhere we go, it's the same story and now –
Angelus: You've got me and my women hiding in the luxury of a mine shaft, all because William the Bloody likes the attention. This is not a reputation we need.
Spike: [contemptuously] Oh, I'm sorry, did I sully our good name? We're vampires.
Darla: [sing-song; to Drusilla] I think our boys are going to fight.
Drusilla: The King of Cups expects a picnic! [giggles and claps her hands giddily, then looks solemn] But this is not his birthday.
Darla: [baffled and annoyed at Drusilla] Good point...
Angelus: You can't keep this up forever. If I can't teach you, maybe someday an angry crowd will. That... or the Slayer.
Spike: [sits up, suddenly interested] What's a Slayer?

Spike: Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon. [morphs into vampire face] I've already got mine.

[Flashback: China, 1900]
[After defeating and drinking from the Chinese Slayer, Xin Rong, Spike holds her as she dies.]
Xin Rong: [Speaks in Mandarin, subtitled] Tell my mother I'm sorry...
Spike: I'm sorry, love, I don't speak Chinese. [throws her to the ground] A fella could get used to this.
Angel: [grimly] Congratulations. I guess that makes you one of us.
Spike: Don’t be so glum, mate! The way you tell it, one Slayer snuffs it, another one rises. I figure there’s a new Chosen One getting all choseny as we speak. I’ll tell you what. When and if this new bird does show up, I’ll give you first crack at her.
Drusilla: I smell fear.
Angel: This whole place reeks of it.

Spike: How many of my kind do you think you've done?
Buffy: Not enough.
Spike: Mm-hmm. And we just keep comin'. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the armies of Hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we're all hoping for.
Buffy: And that would be what?
Spike: [whispers in her ear] One... good... day.

Rocker Vampire: [re: Buffy, holding her stake] Killed with her own weapon! They ought to put this in a museum!
Riley: You know what they put in museums? Mostly dead things. [stakes him]

[Intercut between flashbacks of New York City, 1977, and present-day Sunnydale. Flashback Spike battles Nikki Wood while Modern Spike narrates and demonstrates to Buffy in sync.]
Spike: The first was all business, but the second -- she had a touch of your style. She was cunning, resourceful... oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one.
Buffy: You think we're dancing?
Spike: That's all we've ever done. And the thing about the dance is... you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: "Is today the day I die?"
[Flashback Spike has Nikki pinned. Both narrate.]
Flashback Spike: Death is your art.
Spike: You make it with your hands, day after day.
Flashback Spike: That final gasp. That look of peace.
Spike: Part of you is desperate to know: "What's it like? Where does it lead you?"
Flashback Spike: And now, you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw, or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish.
[Flashback Spike snaps Nikki’s neck]
Flashback Spike: Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here, but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second - [Both Spikes clap their hands together inches from Buffy's face]
Spike: ... That happens... You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson.

[Spike leans in to kiss Buffy. She backs away in horror.]
Buffy: What the hell are you doing?
[he grabs her by the arms]
Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.
Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to.
[she shoves him to the ground and looks down at him]
Buffy: It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you.
[she tosses the wad of cash at him contemptuously]
Buffy: You're beneath me.

Buffy: [tearful, angry] What do you want now?
Spike: [long pause, as his anger subsides] What's wrong?
Buffy: I don't want to talk about it.
Spike: Is there something I can do?


Xander: Am I right, Giles?
Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.
Anya: I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter... Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

Anya: Are you stupid or something?
Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
Xander: She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Xander: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.
Anya: Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.

Listening to Fear

Dr. Kriegel: Joyce, there's no reason to get upset.
Joyce: No reason to get upset? Oh, right, sorry, I must just think there is because of my brain tumor!

Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not say that.

Joyce: Dawn... she's not mine is she?
Buffy: No.
Joyce: She's... she does belong to us though.
Buffy: Yes she does,
Joyce: And she's important... to the world, precious. As precious as you are to me... Then we have to take care of her. Buffy, promise me, if anything happens, if I don't come through this-
Buffy: Mom-
Joyce: No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you'll take care of her, that you'll keep her safe, that you'll love her like I love you.
Buffy: I promise.

Into the Woods

Dawn: Alone time always translates into let's get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud, obnoxious sex.
Anya: [to Xander] Does that mean we can't?

Anya: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: [speaking to a chicken foot] "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
Willow: Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.

Spike: Look at you, all afraid I'm hot for your honey.
Riley: Because you are.
Spike: Well, yeah. But that's not your problem, even if I wasn't in the picture you're never going to be able to hold onto her. [Riley sticks his finger into the hole he's just made in Spike's chest] Oh! Bloody hell!
Riley: Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough.

Riley: They want me back Buffy, the military. It's deep undercover. No contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight.
Buffy: Tonight? When were you going to tell me about this?
Riley: I'm telling you now.
Riley: I'm leaving, Buffy. Unless you give me reason to stay.

buffy- What more do you want from me Riley? Ive given you everything I have. My heart,my body and soul... and if that isnt enough for you then we really have a problem

Xander: [to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life... like a man. I just thought you might like to know.


Anya: Xander, if you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, with big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second, no, the red one, and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Xander: Check. Big bomb clock.
Xander: Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.

Buffy: So, um, about being a nun. You know, um, with the whole abjuring the company of men, you know? How's that working for you? The abjuring.
Nun: Um, good.
Buffy: Yeah, do you have to be, like, super-religious?
Nun: Well, uh...
Buffy: How's the food?

Buffy: [to Giles] Don't talk about the books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.
Buffy: It's okay. You can say his name. I'm doing alright, these things happen, people break up and they move on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but big picture...
Giles: Not so huge.
Buffy: Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world, don't you listen? ... I'm teasing... Sort of.

Anya: Well, I get to run the store, right?
Giles: [alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.
Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said "quirky."
Giles: Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.
Anya: [angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.
Xander: See there? She'll be great.
Willow: Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.
Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Buffy: No more bathrobe.
Joyce: I looked at it today, and there it was, all fuzzy and blue, and I just couldn't stand it any more.
Buffy: I don't think the rest of us will miss it much, either.
Dawn: It was getting a little ripe, Mom.
Buffy: Maybe we should burn it.
Dawn: It would keep the bugs away.
Joyce: It doesn't smell! Fine, fine, make your funny jokes at the expense of the woman with the hole in her skull.
Buffy: [to Dawn] Let's go. I think we've tired her out.

Buffy: [to Dawn] Stop being insightful. It's creepy. It hurts. In all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him. In the way where I blame myself... and all the little ways I imagine... how I could have fixed things.

Willow: It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work, but I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something, rubbing her paws together.
Tara: There's this thing you can do where you create light, and we thought, what if you could make, like, simulated sunlight?
Willow: Yeah, so then, you know, there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps. And then she just goes "Presto!"
Tara: Only it won't be "Presto," exactly.
Willow: And voomph! There's a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty.
Tara: You don't want to look right at it, though.

Willow: The, the fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat. He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.
Anya: What are you talking about?
Tara: It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.
Willow: It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl! A-and, but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
Willow: Of course, that's what she cares about. [imitates Anya] "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."

Tara: Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
Buffy: But you ever notice people only say that about bad things? But not for me the furrowed brow.
Buffy: Anya and, and Xander are in trouble?
Tara: Oh! No, I-I said that all wrong. It was nothing. Willow and Anya were sort of fighting, and then Xander kind of snapped at both of them and he left.
Buffy: He left? Xander left Anya?
Tara: Um, no, not "left her" left her, he just left. It was only a little thing, really.
Buffy: Little thing? [tearfully] See, the thing is, the... little things get bigger, you know, and, and, and, and, if you don't catch the little thing and then, boom! You have this, this, this whole huge thing!
Tara: Oh dear.

Willow: I released him? No, this was definitely a "we" thing. Or, or a "you" thing. It definitely feels like a "you" thing.
Willow: Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?
Anya: Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?
Anya: Now hold on, I'm gonna press the right pedal harder. [smiling] I expect us to accelerate.

Xander: Go away.
[Xander walks off. Spike grins and follows him.]
Spike: Now why would I do that, when it's bugging you so much having me here? They have chicken wings, too. Also a sort of, a flower shaped thing they make from an onion, it's brilliant.
Xander: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.

Olaf: You do well to flee, townspeople. I will pillage your lands and dwellings. I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters.

Spike: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Spike: Hey, watch it, mate.
[Spike turns to look up at Olaf. Both he and Xander stare.]
Spike: On second thought, do what you like.
Xander: So, uh, think I should run and get Buffy?
Olaf: Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.
Xander: I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Willow: I wish Buffy was here.
Buffy: I'm here.
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars... Just checking.

Buffy: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.

Willow: Do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Well, hello, gay now.

Olaf: I could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins! But instead, I had to come all the way back here to kill you.

Willow: Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how.
Willow: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

Willow: Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.
Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Giles: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.
Buffy: Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
Giles: Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.


Tara: W-what's so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, watchers: that's just like other Giles-es, right?
Buffy: Yeah, they're scary and horrible!

Nigel: I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-o-our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. [puts hand on Tara's knee] We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
Tara: [hastily] Um, just good friends. [Willow takes her hand off Tara's knee.]

Spike: What's the matter, Slayer? You're not feeling a hundred percent?
Buffy: [frowns] No.
Spike: [frowns] They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?
Buffy: No!
Spike: Be funny if they did.

Spike:Yeah,yeah."Hurt them and I'll stake You good and proper".Sing Me a new one sometime.That ones getting old

Joyce:I love what You've neglected to do with the place

Lydia: But we understand that you help the Slayer?
Spike: I pitch in when she pays me.
Lydia: She pays you? She gives you money?
Spike: Money, little nip of blood out of some stray victim.
Lydia: Blood?
Spike: Well, they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it, though, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping.
Lydia: You've noticed a decline in her work?
Spike: Oh yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. A few more disappointments and she'll be crying on my shoulder.
Lydia: Is that what you want? I'd think you'd want to kill her. You've killed Slayers before.
Spike: Heard of me, have you?
Lydia: I, uh, wrote my thesis on you.
Spike: Well, well. Isn't that neat.

Buffy: I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory ... came to my home today.
Giles: [alarmed] Buffy, are you-
Buffy: Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
Buffy: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal. So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
Giles: [coughing] Retroactive.

Lydia: I-I-I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but-but civilians — we're talking about children!
Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?!
Phillip: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: 'The boy' has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Willow (quietly): That's Riley speak.
Xander (quietly and with pride): I've clocked field time.

Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Quentin Travers: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Quentin: She's a god.
Buffy: Oh.

Blood Ties

Willow: Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-
Anya: The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Glory: Never send a minion to do a god's work.

Anya: [to Dawn] You make a very pretty little girl!
Xander: [trying to shut Anya up] Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?
Anya: Heh heh. Xander needs help with his thing.

Dawn: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?
Buffy: Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.

Anya: [holding the frilly dress Buffy received] Oh, it's just so lovely! Ooh, I wish it was mine! [The group gives her a funny look] Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing!
Giles: I'm fairly certain I wasn't. [whispers to Xander] I've got one just like it.
Spike:Round robe types are always protecting something.Its the only way they can justify giving up girls
Spike:Giles writes as dull as he talks,doesn't he?

[Spike is sitting on a coffin, painting his nails when Buffy comes in]

Spike:Morning Sunshine,if you've come round for Eggs and Sausages,afraid I'm fresh out

[Buffy pulls the top of the coffin from under him]

Spike:Careful,these are wet

Buffy: Are you okay? Did she hurt you?
Dawn: Why do you care?
Buffy: Because I love you, you're my sister.
Dawn: No I'm not.
Buffy: Yes you are. [holds Dawn's hand] It's blood, Summers blood, it's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or how you got here, you are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't.
Spike:She's not just a blob of energy.She's also a fourteen year old hormone bomb.Which ones screwing her up more?Spin the bloody wheel.
Buffy: I have to get you back home though, Mom's freaking out.
Dawn: Oh, is she mad about the whole fire thing?
Buffy: I think you sort of have a "Get out of jail free" card on account of big love and trauma.
Dawn: Really? Okay, good. Do you think she'd raise my allowance?
Buffy: Don't push it.

Buffy: How was school today?
Dawn: The usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair.
Buffy: Just how I remember it.


Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it.
Spike: And you're making it into very hard work!
Anya:I think you hurt his feelings
Xander:You should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer.Thats actually some pretty good advice
Xander:Drinks are on me,for I am payday man
Willow:I could use a water
Xander:Water poses no challenge for payday man

Harmony: [Pretending to be Buffy] Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm going to stake you so much with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the chosen-

Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!
Buffy:Spike,finish the story you were telling my little sister
Spike:Right,so I knew the little girl was in the coal bin so I ripped it open very violently.. .and gave her to a nice family where they were never ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin
Spike:So You heard?I've become a cautionary tale."You better be good,kiddies or They'll wire You up too"
Drusilla:I don't believe in science.All those bits and molecules no one has ever seen

[Spike is drinking from a flask which he offers to Buffy]

Spike:Its Bourbon

Buffy: What... is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
Spike: A d-Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean... do you want it to be?

Buffy:Spike,the only chance You had with Me was when I was unconcious

Harmony: Who is-? Oh wait, I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning, now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Drudzilla.
Spike: Harm-
Harmony: You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl, or Charlize Theron.
Spike:Harm,this is Drusilla
Harmony:You have got some nerve coming back here after breaking my Blondie bear's heart
Drusilla:[Mouths to Spike]Blondie Bear?

Spike: Oh, what...Ohh! Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why... do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?

Buffy: You don't know what feelings are!
Spike: I damn well do! I lie awake every night-
Buffy: You sleep during the day!

I Was Made to Love You

Giles: You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels.
Buffy: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof! That's the one for me!"

Joyce: Oh, god. What time is it?
Buffy: 4:23. You have lots of time until seven. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops.

Tara: Well, I-I go online sometimes, but… everyone's spelling is really bad. It's… depressing.

Spike: You threw me through a window! What's that about?
April: You cannot make those suggestions to me! I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
Spike: You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren!

Buffy: I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me.

Giles: A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it not fair on her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
Buffy: [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade... No wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.
Giles: Robot? Sounds interesting.
Buffy: We're gonna work on it in the morning, I mean, unless you want to stay for a while, and then you and I could-
Joyce: Who wants to hear everything?
Buffy: Listen to my Mom talk about boys.
Joyce: [recounting her date with Brian] Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
Buffy: I dunno, I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards it would seem pretty... Oh, dear.
Buffy: What?
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Buffy: [appalled] Mother!
Joyce: I'm joking.
Buffy: Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.
Joyce: [playfully] I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: [running upstairs, hands over her ears] No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: [calling upstairs] On the dessert cart!
Buffy: [faintly, off screen] I can't hear you!

Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: She practically had "genuine moulded plastic" stamped on her ass... Just trying a little spicy talk.

[Buffy enters the home,looking for Joyce]

Buffy:Hey mom,do you want me pick up Dawn from school?Mom?[She sees Joyce on the couch]What are you doing?[Joyce doesn't move or answer]Mom?Mom?Mommy?[Fade to Black]

The Body

Buffy:[Upon seeing Joyce]What are you doing?Mom?Mom?Mommy?
Joyce: I think we're just about ready for pie.
Xander: And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
Buffy: Xander!
Dawn: Gross.
Xander: You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.
Joyce: I'm taking it as a compliment.
Giles: Yes, everything was delicious.
Anya: Yes. I'm going to barf, too.
Joyce: Everyone's so sweet.
Xander: How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?
Willow: I had too much nog.
Tara: Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I… uh, s-stop explaining things.
Dawn: My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.
Willow: That's… bad.
Xander: Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.
Willow: Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.
Anya: I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney — all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise…
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

Buffy: I live to torment you. Is that so wrong?
Joyce: A daughter's duty, I suppose.

Buffy: She's cold.
911 Operator: The body is cold?
Buffy: No, my mom!

[Willow is searching for something to wear]

Willow:Have you seen the blue one?Joyce liked the Blue one
Tara:I can check the Laundry room again if you want
Willow:What about Purple?What does Purple mean?
Tara:I think Purple means Royal
Willow:I can't be Royal when I'm at the Hospital."Oh look at me I'm Queen of everything".[Crying]I have to go see Buffy and be supportive.Why do all my clothes have stupid things on them?Why can't I dress like a grown up?Can't I be a grown up?
Tara:Ssh Darling[Kissing her on the head]
Willow:Tara,I can't do this

[Tara and Willow kiss]

Tara:We can do this
Willow:We can be there for Buffy and Dawn
Tara:We can be strong
Willow:Strong like an Amazon?
Tara:[Laughs]Like an Amazon

Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my God! Would you just… s-stop talking? Just… shut your mouth! Please!
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I-is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys—
Willow: The way you behave—
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!
Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she's— there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead... anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And... and Xander's crying and not talking, and... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why! [She begins to cry.]
Willow: [long pause] We don't know. How it works. Why.

Buffy: Are you sure… that there wasn't a lot of pain?
Dr. Kriegel: Absolutely.
Dr. Kriegel: [voiceover] I have to lie to make you feel better.
Xander:I,ll tell you what it is is.Its the frickin Doctors.I mean,they just let her out,clean bill of health.Dig a hole in your Skull,here's a band aid,Next.They should have checked her over,kept her in.We don't got enough Monsters in this town,the Doctors gotta help them out?
Willow:Xander,it just happened
Xander:[Nearly crying]Things don't happen.I mean they don't just happen.Somebody's gotta...

Dawn: I have to pee.
Buffy: Do you want someone to go with you?
Dawn: No. I still remember how to pee.

[Xander puts fist through the wall]

Xander:It made me feel better for a second
Willow:A Whole second?
Xander:In my defense,some crappy wallmanship

Anya: [loudly] I wish Joyce didn't die! [Everyone stares] Because she was nice. And now, we all hurt.

Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother.
Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.

[Buffy and Dawn are in the Morgue]

Buffy:Thats not her,Dawn.She's gone
Dawn:Where did she go?

[Dawn reaches out to touch Joyce,then fade to Black]


Angel: I can stay in town as long as you want me.
Buffy: How's forever? Does forever work for you?

[Spike meets Willow and Xander outside Buffy's house.Spike is carrying flowers]

Spike:I'm not going in
Xander:And you're not leaving those.You really think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?
Spike:This isn't about Buffy
Xander:Bull.We're all hip to your doomed obsession
Spike:They're for Joyce
Xander:Like you cared about her [Spike moves closer to Xander]
Willow:Guys.not here
Spike:Care?Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand
Xander:And she was the only one with a Daughter you wanted to shag.I'm touched
Spike:I liked the lady.Understand,monkey boy?She was decent.She didn't put on airs.And she was the only one whon didn't treat me like a freak
Xander:Her mistake
Dawn:I know why you're doing this.I mean,you're practically stalking my sister
Spike:Its not that.I just don't like to see Summers women taking it on the chin.And I mean what I said earlier.You tell her about this,I'll put you in the ground as well

Anya: Don't you like television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.


Buffy: So, how's it start?
Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle and I jump back in it and then um, I shake my gourd.
Buffy: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around!
Giles: [annoyed] Go quest.

Buffybot: Darn your sinister attraction!

Tara: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
[Willow and Tara are left speechless for a moment.]
Willow: Oh. Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge—
Tara: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!

Glory: [about Spike] What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?

Buffybot: It's Spike! And he's wearing the coat.

Willow: No, Buffy! Something's seriously wrong here! OK, yeah, you've been with a vampire before, but Angel had a soul!
Buffybot: Angel's lame. His hair sticks straight up and he's bloody stupid.

[Buffy's friends accuse her of sleeping with Spike.]
Anya: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
Buffy: The who whatting how with huh?
Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sorta compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!
Xander: [seeing Buffy and the Buffybot together] Spike must have had her built so he could program her to -
Buffy: [horrified] Oh, God.
Willow: Yikes. Imagine the things -
Buffy: No! No imagining, any of you!
Xander: Already got the visual.

Giles: Quite extraordinary, really.
Buffybot: Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guiles. [She pronounces it with a hard G, like "guy."] She's very smart and she's gonna help us save Spike.
Giles: "Guiles?!" [turns to address the real Buffy] Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly!
Buffy: [to the Buffybot] Listen, skirt girl, we're not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the Key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked! I mean really!

Buffy: [impersonating the Buffybot] Spike, you're covered in sexy wounds!

Buffy: I mean, I can beat up the demons, until the cows come home. And then I can beat up the cows. But I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.

(Giles sighs, then reluctantly jumps out of the circle, jumps back in, and shakes his gourd.
Buffy: And that's what it's all about.

Buffybot: Oh Spike, devour me!
Spike (rolling onto her): All right.
Buffybot: Spike, I can't help myself! I love you!
Spike: You're mine, Buffy.
Buffybot: Should I start this program over?
Spike: Shh! No programs, don't use that word. Just be Buffy.

Buffybot: Anya! How is your money?
Anya (with a big smile): Fine, thank you for asking!

Buffybot(to Willow): You're recently gay!

Spike: [while being tortured by Glory] Yeah, OK, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. [Glory scoffs in disbelief] Mark my words: the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass [Glory checks out her butt in dismay] back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-god like you.

Buffy: If (Spike) did give us up, Dawn and I need to get out of town. I mean, (Glory) could be on her way now. [Dawn looks alarmed]
Giles: But, uh, not to worry, you know, I'm sure we'll all be perfectly safe.
Dawn [skeptical]: We're safe. Right. And, uh, Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.
[Buffy stares at Tara, frowning.]
Tara [sheepish]: I-it sounded convincing when I thought it.

Tough Love

Xander: Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... You know, I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all bras. So, something slightly more manly, think of me as that.

Anya: You know what else is Un-American? French people.
Willow: You don't say.
Anya: From what I hear, they don't tip. Now, French old people—that's really the bottom of the barrel.
Xander: An, how about we try being a bit less prejudiced and a bit more inclusive? Not us, just you.

Willow: I know it is, and I'm a big fan of school! You know me, I'm like, "Go school, it's your birthday."

Willow: If I were in Dawn's shoes, I'd totally be blowing off class.
Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head were on fire.

Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil
Dawn: Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I'm not good, and I'm alright.

Willow: Well, I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is.

[Willow is upset at Tara's implication that she isn't committed to their lesbian relationship.]
Willow: I get it. You think you're just a college experiment until I get over the thrill and head back to Boystown.

Giles: You all right?
Willow: [glumly] Yeah.
Giles: Ah yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious.

Spike: So you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of God blood until you, what, explained?
Buffy: No, I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I'd do it. Right person, person I loved, I'd do it.

Glory: What's this, bag of tricks?
[A dozen daggers fly our of Willows bag and float in the air.]
Willow: Bag of knives.
[The blades attack Glory.]


[On the run from Glory, Giles calms the gang while they wait for Buffy to bring transportation.]
Giles: Look, everything will be alright. We just need to stay here, calm. As soon as Buffy arrives—
[A boxy, beaten-up mobile home pulls up to pick them up.]
Giles: ... we'll feel oddly worse.
Spike:Buckle up,kids.Daddy's putting the Hammer down

Spike: Come on. Step on it, gramps
Giles: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this.
Dawn:Anya's going to try to cook.want to watch the tears and recriminations?
Xander:[On Spike]That guy is blood sucking the last nerve out of me
Tara:[To Dawn]So pretty.Can I have one?

[The Knights of Byzantium are attacking]
Giles: Do we have any weapons?
Spike: You're driving one.
Willow: Don't hurt the horsies.
Buffy: Aim for the horsies.

Glory: Any last words?
Buffy: Just one. Truck.
[A truck smashes into Glory]

The Weight of the World

Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?

Spike: I'm willing to wager when all's said and done, Buffy likes it rough.

Spike: [laughs sarcastically] Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. [nods] Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune.
Willow: [frowning.] So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?
Xander: [slowly, like a revelation] Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.
Anya: And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.
Spike: [sigh of relief] Kewpie doll for the lady.
Giles: Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?

Glory: I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around, everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up, shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em anymore. I'm crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind, 'cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts.

Young Buffy: Do you like dolls?
Willow: No, and I think we already deja'd this vu.
Young Buffy: You talk funny.
Willow: Yes, as you will tell me again when we are older and in chem class.

Spike: Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.
Xander: Wait, wait, wait. Ben? At Glory's? [Spike rolls his eyes.] You're saying all this time he's been subletting from her?
Spike: This ... is gonna be worth it.
[Spike bitch-slaps Xander upside the head. The two of them both grab their heads in pain.]
Spike/Xander: Ow!!

The Gift

Buffy: It's been a long time since I met one who didn't know me

Boy: How'd you do that?
Buffy: It's what I do
Boy: But you're just a girl
Buffy: Thats what I keep saying

Xander: Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? Why couldn't it be like a-a lymph ritual or something?
Spike: 'Cause it's always got to be blood.
Xander: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.
Spike: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.

Buffy: This is how many apocalypses for us now?
Giles: Oh, uh, six at least. Feels like a hundred.
Buffy: I've always beaten them. Always won.
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much, but I knew what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices, if everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here.

Buffy: Will, what do you got for me?
Willow: Some ideas. Well, notions. Or, theories based on wild speculation. Did I mention I'm not good under pressure?
Buffy: I need you, Will. You're my big gun.
Willow: [alarmed] I'm your - no, I-I was never a gun. Someone else should be the gun. I, I could be a, a cudgel. Or, or a pointy stick.

[Buffy and Spike are about to go to her house to gather weapons.]
Xander: I'm looking for something in a broadsword.
Spike: Don't be swingin' that thing near me.
Xander: Hey, I happen to be-
Spike: A glorified bricklayer?
[Xander looks around at the others for support.]
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes.
Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.

Buffy: Everyone knows their jobs, right? If the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: We few... we happy few.
Spike: We band of buggered.

Giles: Do you need anything Willow?
Willow: Some courage might help
[Spike hands Willow a hipflask of bourbon]
Willow: the real kind...

[Glory has just decapitated the Buffy-bot]
Glory: The Slayer's a robot? Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?
Buffy: Glory. [Buffy hits Glory with the hammer] You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?

Glory: You lost your hammer, sweet cheeks. What're you gonna hit me with now?
[Xander smashes Glory with a wrecking ball.]
Buffy: Whatever's handy.
Xander: The glorified bricklayer picks up a spare.

Glory: You're just a mortal, you couldn't understand my pain.
Buffy: Then I'll just have to settle for causing it.

Buffy: Dawn, listen to me, listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live… for me.


Season 6


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Bargaining, Part One

Buffybot: Big, fast and dumb, just the way I like them.

Xander: I know. I don't have to talk when I answer you. But I saw The Fury, and that way lies spooky carnival death.

[Spike,Giles,and Anya are chasing a demon through the cemetery]

Spike:Come on,I'm not going to get anything killed with you lot holding me back
Tara:I thought the big ones were supposed to tire more easily
Spike:No,thats over the hill shopkeepers
Giles:[Out of breath]I'm fine.I just need to die for a minute
Spike:It was that powder you blew at him that made him rabbit off
Tara:It was supposed to confuse him but it just made him peppy.Its not supposed to mix with anything.You think he's taking prescription medication?
Spike:[Sarcastically]Yeah,that must be it

Spike: Oh, poor Watcher, did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea?

Buffybot: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!
Willow: I was trying to program in some new puns and I kinda wound up with word salad.
Dawn:My teacher wanted to make it national Buffy day at school.
Spike:Thats not surprising.A Robot is boring and predictable.Perfect Teacher's pet.Thats all Schools are.Factories spewing out mindless autamotons...who go on to become valued members of society.

Willow: I got her head back on, didn't I? And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Oh, who's there?
Xander: If you want her to be exactly...
Spike: She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: If you want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?

Anya: Just remember, this whole marriage thing was your stupid idea. I didn't ask to be all crazy!

Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?
Anya: Yeah, from this desert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunch box for -
[Xander coughs and glares at Anya]
Anya: - a friend.
[Tara smiles knowingly at Xander]
Willow: Nobody's changing their minds. Period.
Xander: Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said Willow should be boss.
Anya: And then you said "let's vote," and it was unanimous...
Tara: ...and then you made her this little plaque that said "Boss of Us," you put little sparkles on it.

Xander: Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we: a) congratulate ourselves on a job well done-
Willow: Xander, this isn't zombies.
Anya: And zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.

[Willow repairs the damaged Buffybot as Spike looks on.]
Buffybot [smiles sweetly to Spike]: Sorry I questioned you, Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs. [Spike frowns and glares at Willow]
Spike: I told you to make her stop doing that.
Willow: I did. I mean, I thought I got all that stuff out of the program.
Spike: Well, you've got her opened up. Fix it.
Willow: Sure. I mean, I have a lot of work here but I'll see what I can do. Can you shine the flashlight right here... Spike?
[But Spike has fled the house, unable to stand being with the Buffybot.]
Buffybot: Did I say something wrong?
Willow: It's not your fault.
Buffybot [pensive]: I think Spike stopped liking me.
Willow: That's not true. He thinks you're swell.
Buffybot [sadly]: Then how come he never looks at me anymore? Even when he's talking to me.
Willow [unsure how to answer]: He just gets cranky, the way vampires do. Now, just relax. I am going to make you good as new. I promise.

[Giles supervises the repaired Buffybot in a punching drill.]
Giles: I'm testing her responses after her injury. I see no harm in imparting a little Eastern philosophy.
Anya: Well, I just think that the concept of chi might be a little, you know, hard for her to grasp. You know, she's not the descendant of a long line of mystical warriors. She's the descendant of a toaster oven.
Giles [sadly]: I just can't help but wonder if... she would have been better off without me. Buffy.
Buffybot: I don't think that's true. You were very helpful to her.
Giles [laughs bitterly]: Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do - got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.
Buffybot: Oh, that wasn't your fault.
Giles: Of course not. That's how all Slayer-Watcher relationships end, isn't it? She's gone. I did my job.
Buffybot [innocently]: Then why are you still here?
[Giles has no answer. Why, indeed?]

Bargaining, Part Two

[To cast a spell, Tara assumes the lotus position]
Tara: I know how to help Willow and Xander.
Anya: [looking at Tara quizzically] Yoga?

Xander: I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Xander, that's not the North Star, it's an aeroplane.
Xander: Demons, ah. There's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us.
Xander: And how long've you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

Demon: Big axe you got there.
Xander: Better to cut you down to size, grandma.

Buffy: Is this hell?

Tara: [after killing a huge demon who's threatening Willow] Nobody messes with my girl.

After Life

Xander: I've done a lot of fleeing on these mean streets. I know all the shortcuts.
Anya: I don't like this. Look, fire! Fire is rarely a sign of imminent safety.

Anya: You're not a zombie, are you?

Anya: Jet lag from Hell's gotta be, you know, jet lag from hell.
Spike:Dawn!Thank God,you scared me half to Death.Or more to Death.

Spike: There's the thing about magic. There's always consequences. Always!

[Willow has called Giles to tell him about Buffy's resurrection.]
Tara: Did you get through to London?
Willow: Yeah. He's gonna head back as soon as he can. I'm not sure, like maybe a couple days.
Tara: How did he take it?
Willow: Um, I'm not sure. I mean... glad, but kinda weirded out? Which I get, you know. Lots of "Dear Lords". And I think I actually heard him clean his glasses.

Tara: Maybe we dreamed it.
Willow: Right, right. Wrong, different brains!

Spike: Uh ... I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that ... even if I didn't make it ... you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you.

Spike: I was going to go inside but I overheard you and the superfriends having a special moment and I came over a bit queasy. Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?
Buffy: I just wanted a little time alone.
Spike: Oh, uh... Right then. [goes to leave]
Buffy: It's okay, I can be alone with you here.

Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy [looking down]: I was happy.
[Spike stares at her, confused and shocked]
Buffy: [in quiet agony] Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. [near tears] I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ... knowing what I've lost...
[Finally composing herself, Buffy gets up and starts to walk away, only to speak to Spike once more.]
Buffy: They can never know. Never. [walks off into the sunlight]


Buffy: [staring at the running kitchen faucet, mesmerized and distracted] Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's unbelievably important. You should eat breakfast at least three times a day.

Buffy: OK, so you're telling me I'm broke?
Willow: Not yet, but-
Tara: Money's definitely becoming an issue.
Xander: As in your being almost out of it.
Buffy: But I haven't spent any money! I was all... dead and frugal.
Dawn: So what do we do?
Buffy: Easy, we burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty. [The Scoobies look at Buffy in horror] You guys, I'm kidding. OK, it's bills, it's money, it's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world... which is too bad, you know, 'cause that, I'm really good at.

Xander: Anya, if I tell them that we're engaged right after you dared me to, wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did it?
Anya: Oh.
Xander: Score one for Captain Logic.
Anya: No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel!

Dawn: Oh, come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough?
Tara: I think you're very mature for your age ... but you're still only fifteen.
Dawn: Right. Fifteen, as in teenager. You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street.
Tara: [sighs and hands Dawn a book] Knock yourself out.
Dawn: Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it.
[Dawn opens the book to the first page]
Dawn: That's a weird place for a horn... [stares at the page, then closes the book, shaken] That's not a horn.
Buffy: [seeing Dawn doing research] You do research now? Would you like a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with that?

Dawn: [about M'Fashnik demon] I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's "Mmm Fashnik". Like "Mmm cookies."
Xander: Or maybe, Muh-Fashnik. Like Muh... Fashnik.

Giles: It's, uh, you're...
Buffy: A miracle.
Giles: Yes. But then, I always thought so.

M'Fashnik: Which one of you is the leader?
Warren, Jonathan, Andrew: I am.
M'Fashnik: I will kill the leader.
Warren, Jonathan, Andrew: [pointing at one another] He is.
M'Fashnik: I will kill you all.
Jonathan: Wait! Uh, no fair. It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna.
Warren: [dropping to his knees] Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.
Andrew: [also kneeling] Uh, yeah. Long live our noble lord and master.
Jonathan: You guys suck.
M'Fashnik: [grabs Jonathan by the throat] You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.
[Warren and Andrew snicker at each other]
M'Fashnik: Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.
[Warren and Andrew are suddenly alarmed]

[Warren passes M'Fashnik a slip of paper]
Warren: Here's the Slayer's name, address and telephone number. You want to kill her? Make it so.
[M'Fashnik growls, but accepts the information and leaves. Warren swaggers back to an impressed Andrew and Jonathan.]
Andrew: What are you, some kind of Jedi?
Warren: The Force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded.

Giles: Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious.
Buffy: Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here.
Dawn: I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So, you think we'll starve?
Giles: I very much doubt it.
Dawn: No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?
Giles: Poorly ventilated... what have you been reading?

Life Serial

Warren: What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan: Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan: That's a flawed design!

Buffy:You like slug? Go with slug, she's not going to sleep with you anyway.

Jonathan: Stop touching my magic bone!

Andrew: Oh, she's coming over here, what do we do?
Warren: Jonathan, grab your magic bone.

Jonathan [in disguise as a muscular demon]: I am well struck, Slayer! I call upon the misty portal to my demon dimension... where I'll lay my head, and gently die.

Buffy: I don't really know how to say this, but it's a little like having Mom back.
Giles: In this scenario I am your mother?
Buffy: Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?
Giles: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?
Buffy: I'm just saying, thank you. So much.

Giles: Buffy, a word in your ear. If you think of the store as a library, it'll help you concentrate on your service rather than selling.
Buffy: Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
Giles: [Cleaning his glasses and not really listening] Yes, quite, yes.

[Trying to hide from Buffy, the Trio hit their van's horn, which blares the Star Wars theme]
Andrew: What? You only said lose the mural.

All the Way

Dawn: So what are you supposed to be?
Anya: An angel.
Dawn: Oh, shouldn't you have wings?
Anya: Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
Anya: Xander's gonna teach me a new one after work, called "Shiver Me Timbers." Ever play?
Tara: Uh, Dawn? Willow could use some help in Magical Texts.
Dawn: I'm all over it. [Dawn exits]
Anya: How about you? Ever play "Shiver Me Timbers"?
Tara: I'm not really much for the timber.

Willow: (talking to a woman in a classical witch costume) I'm just saying you might wanna rethink the stereotype before someone turns you into a toad. And while you're at it, why don't you try removing that broomstick from your... Dawn!
Dawn: Hey. Don't stop the invective on account of me.
Willow: If I see one more idiot that thinks witches are all hairy moles and rotted teeth...
A cute little girl in a classical witch costume: Excuse me, do you have any candy corn?
Willow: Oh, look at you! You are just the cutest thing!
Dawn: I-I thought you said...
Willow: I know, but look, with the hat, and the-the wart! Oh! Let's go fill your tummy up with sugary niblets, okay?

Buffy: What happened to Xander?
Giles: He kept poking me with his hook. I sent him over to Charmed Objects. With any luck, he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a fifty-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates.

[Xander has announced his engagement to Anya; the two are kissing with uncomfortable intensity.]
Buffy: [softly] Did you know about this?
Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
[Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them on his shirt]
Buffy: [shocked] Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you won't have to see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.

Dawn: [after her first kiss] Shiver me timbers.
Justin: That was your first kiss.
Dawn: I've been kissed before. I kiss all the time, not that I'm a kiss slut. Just with the lips and the pressing together and stuff, hey, expert here!

Giles: Mist... cemetery... Halloween. Should end well. Oh! [he trips, falls, then stands back up] Bloody brilliant.

Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?
Dawn: I didn't know he was dead.
Justin: Living dead.
Dawn: Shut up.
Buffy: How did you not know?
Dawn: I just met him.
Buffy: Oh, so you were parking with a boy you just met?
Justin: We've seen each other at parties.
Buffy: Shut up.
Dawn: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
Buffy: That was different.
Dawn: It always is when it's you.
Vampire: Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now?
Buffy: Didn't anyone come here just to make out? [one couple raises their hands] Oh, that's sweet. [points at couple] You run, [points at another vampire] you scream.
Spike:It's Halloween, you Nit. We take the night off. Those are the rules.
Vampire:Me and my kind don't follow any rules. We're rebels [Spike knocks him to the ground]
Spike:[Taking out a crossbow]No, I'm a rebel.You're an idiot. [Shoots him with the crossbow, killing him] Give the lot of us a bad name.

Giles: We need to have a conversation.
Dawn: This the part where you say you're not angry, just disappointed?
Giles: Pretty much. Except for the bit about not being angry.

Buffy: Over my dead body! ...the kind that doesn't come back.

Once More, With Feeling

[From "Going Through the Motions"
Demon: She's not even half the girl she-ow! [dies]
Man: [After being saved] How can I repay-
Buffy: Whatever.

[From "I've Got a Theory / Bunnies / If We're Together".]
It could be witches! Some evil witches.
[He sees disapproval from witches Willow and Tara.]
Which is ridiculous, 'cause witches they were persecuted,
Wicca good and love the earth and woman power
and I'll be over here.
. . .
I've got a theory, it could be bunnies. [uncomfortable pause]

I've got a theo-

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes!
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for, anyway?
Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be bunnies!
[Long silence.]
Or maybe midgets?

[Dawn enters the Magic Box, excited.]
Dawn: Oh my God! You will never believe what happened at school today!
Buffy: Everyone started singing and dancing?
Dawn: [deflated and annoyed] I gave birth to a pteryadactyl.
Anya: Oh my God! Did it sing?

[From "Under Your Spell".]
I lived my life in shadow,
Never the sun on my face.
It didn't seem so sad, though.
I figured that was my place.
Now I'm bathed in light.
Something just isn't right.
I'm under your spell.
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?

Giles: I was able to examine the body while police were taking witness arias.

[From "Rest In Peace"]
I died so many years ago.
But you can make me feel,
like it isn't so.
Why you come to be with me,
I think I finally know.
You're scared, ashamed of what you feel.
You can't tell the ones you love,
You know they couldn't deal.
Whisper in the deadman's ear,
it doesn't make it real.
That's great,
but I don't wanna play.
Being with you touches me,
more than I can say.
But since I'm only dead to you,
I'm saying "stay away"
And let me rest in peace
I know I should go
But I follow you like a man possessed
There's a traitor here beneath my breast,
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed
If my heart could beat it would break my chest

[One of Sweet's puppet-headed minions has told Buffy where to find captive Dawn.]
Buffy: So, Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.

[From "Walk Through the Fire"]
The torch I bear is scorching me.
Buffy's laughing, I've no doubt.
I hope she fries, I'm free if that bitch dies.
I better help her out...
. . .
Anya: She came from the grave much graver.
Spike: First he'll kill her, then I'll save her.
Tara: Everything is turning out so dark.
Spike: No, I'll save her, then I'll kill her.
Willow: I think this line's mostly filler.
Giles: What's it gonna take to strike a spark?
Buffy: These endless days are finally ending in a blaze
All: And we are caught in the fire

The point of no return So we will walk through the fire And let it Burn

["Something to Sing About": After Buffy's devastating revelation, Spike stops her near-fatal spin.]
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living
You'll get along
The pain that you feel
You only can heal
By living
You have to go on living
So one of us is living.
Dawn: The hardest thing in this world... is to live in it.

[From "Sweet's Song (Reprise)"]
What a lot of fun
You guys have been real swell
And there's not a one who can say
This ended well
All those secrets you've been concealing
Say you're happy now
Once more with feeling
Now I gotta run
See you all
In Hell

Tabula Rasa

Spike: Can we talk?
Buffy: Vocal-chord-wise, yes. With each other, no.

Anya: Do you think she walked around on clouds wearing, like, Birkenstocks and played a harp? 'Cuz those are just not flattering. The clunky sandals, not the harp. I mean, who doesn't look good with a harp? [everyone stares at her] What? I'm just saying what everyone's thinking, right baby?
Xander: You are attractive and have many good qualities.

Tara: Do you think I'm stupid? I know you used that spell on me.
Willow: Tara, I'm sorry, I-
Tara: Don't! Just... don't. [shakes head.] There's nothing you can say.
Willow: Tara, I didn't mean to-
Tara: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Willow? How could you after what Glory did to me?
Willow: Violate you? I... I-I didn't ... mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.
Tara: If you don't wanna fight, you don't fight. You don't use magic to make a fight disappear.
Willow: But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.
Tara: But you don't get to decide what is better for us, Will. We're in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together.
Willow: Okay. I'm ... I realize I, I did it wrong.
Tara: You did it the way you're doing everything. When things get rough, you... you don't even consider the options. You just ... you just do a spell. It's not good for you, Willow. And it's not what magic is for.
Willow: [apprehensive.] But I... I just wanna help people.
Tara: Maybe that's how it started, but ... you're helping yourself now, fixing things to your liking. Including me.
Willow: Tara, no!

[Tara looks away.]

Tara: [lachrymose.] I don't think this is gonna work.
Willow: Hey. It is, i-it's working. [Tara just looks at her, then looks down.] Tara, please. I need you, baby. I need you. I don't need magic, I-I don't, I ... let me prove it to you, okay? I, I will go a month without doing any magic. I won't do a single spell. I swear.

Willow: For Buffy and Tara, this I char / Let Lethe's Bramble do its chore. Purge their minds of memories grim, / of pains from recent slights and sins. When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast. Tabula rasa, tabula rasa, tabula rasa.

[Spike, dressed in a deerstalker and tweed suit, bursts into the Magic Box, wreathed in smoke.]
Anya: Holy moly.
Spike: You need to give me asylum.
Xander: I'll say.

Buffy: Sorry. Everybody's sorry. I know that you guys are just trying to help ... but it's just, it's too much. And, and I, I can't take it any more. [lachrymose.] If you guys ... if you guys understood how it felt ... how it feels. It's like I'm dying, it-
[Suddenly she falls to the floor, unconscious.]

Giles: Magic! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing. Except I seem to be British, don't I? Uh, and a man. With... glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.
Giles: We'll get our memory back, it'll all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You English men are always so... bloody hell! [counting them on his fingers.] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh god... I'm English.
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.

Buffy: You're "Dawn".
[Dawn looks down at her necklace upside-down and grins.]
Dawn: Or "Umad".

[Spike looks at the name tag in the tweed jacket he's wearing.]
Spike: "Made with care for Randy"? Randy Giles? Why not just call me "Horny" Giles, or "Desperate-for-a-Shag" Giles? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
Giles: Randy's... a family name, undoubtedly.

Dawn: You want me to name you?
Buffy: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me... "Joan".
Dawn: Ugh.
Buffy/Joan: What? Did you just "ugh" my name?
Dawn: No, I just... I mean,Joan, it's so blah.
Buffy/Joan: I like it. I feel like a "Joan".
Dawn: Fine, that's your purgative.
Buffy/Joan: "Perogative".
Dawn: Whatever, Joan.
Buffy/Joan: Whatever, Umad.
Buffy/Joan/Dawn: [unison.] Boy, you're a pain in the... / Boy, you're bossy!
Dawn: Do you think we're-
Buffy: Sisters?
[They smile and hug each other.]
Spike: You never showed me affection like that! [Giles gives him an odd look.] I'd wager.

Vampire Henchmen #1: SLAYER!!!
Tara: Thats just what they said before!
Buffy/Joan: They wanna slay someone, a female someone...who do those jerks think they are!

[Buffy/Joan stakes her first vampire.]
Tara: What did you just do?
Buffy/Joan: I-I don't know. But it was cool. I think I know why Joan's the boss! I'm like a... superhero or something!

Buffy/Joan: Ready, Randy?
Spike/Randy: Ready Joan.

Dawn: How are you?
Willow: A little confused. I mean, I'm... all sweaty... and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire... [pause.] And I think I'm kinda gay.


Spike: I thought they were demons.
Buffy: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.

Buffy: Hey... how've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.

Buffy: But, when I kissed you, you know I was thinking about Giles, right?
Spike: You know, I always wondered about you two.
Buffy: Oh, gross Spike!
Warren:Okay,we'll scratch your back,you scratch...
Spike:I'm not going to scratch your anything.You do what i tell you

[Spike grabs an action figure of Boba Fett]

Spike:Look at my chip or Mr Fett here gets it
Warren:Lets not do anything crazy.Now dude,you don't wanna hurt the Fett cause,believe me,you're not walking away from that
Andrew:You're English,right?
Andrew:I've seen every episode of Doctor Who
Johnathan:But not Red Dwarf.Its not on D.V.D yet
Spike:Translate this for me,Spock.I don't speak geek

Willow: I know, Xander engaged, I couldn't believe it either.
Amy: That's so weird... so what's she like?
Willow: Thousand year old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit phobia.
Amy: That's so his type.

[after Willow has transformed Amy from rat back to human]
Amy: Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like ... I felt like I was in that cage for weeks! [Willow looks nervous] But it can still be OK ... right? I-I can still get into the swing of things, like ... prom's coming up. I-I'm so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at... [sees Willow's expression] Oh. Oh, God. [sighs, anxiously] He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. [Amy stares] Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
Amy: How long was I in the cage? [Willow is afraid to answer] How long?!

Xander: What did Captain Peroxide want?
Spike:Ow,the pain,the pain...is gone.


Spike: I may be dirt... but you're the one who likes to roll in it, Slayer.
Tara:Good God,thats a lot of shake!I know its part of our Movie and Milkshake fun day,but Good God thats a lot of shake!

Willow: Hey.
Tara: Hey. I just... B-Buffy didn't come home last night... either, so...
Willow: Uh, hey, uh, this is Amy. Amy, Tara. Tara, Amy.
Amy: How you doin'?
Tara: Fine, I-I'd b-better g-get going. [Tara turns to go]
Willow: Amy! Amy the rat? Sorry.
Amy: No, that's fair. I was a rat.

Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she-Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much découpage without calling on the powers of darkness.

Rack: [to Willow] You taste... like strawberries.

Buffy: What is this?
Amy: It's not what you think it is... it's sage.
Buffy: That is what I think it is.

Willow: So, uh, the burger was good, you liked it?
Dawn: Are you kidding, it was like a meat party in my mouth! Okay, now I'm just a kid and even I know that came out wrong.

Buffy: Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night... was the most perverse... degrading experience of my life.
Spike: Yeah. Me too.
Buffy: That might get you off, but it's not my style.
Spike: No. It's your calling.

Willow: It was. But I mean, if you could be, you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be? I guess you don't actually have an option on the whole super thing.
Buffy: Will, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special.
Willow: Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just... some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl.
Buffy: You are more than some girl. And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you.
Willow: We don't know that.
Buffy: I know that. I promise you.
Willow: I just... it took me away from myself, I was... free.
Buffy: I get that. More than you- But it's wrong. People get hurt.


Dawn: Candles! We can't have candles?
Buffy: Dawn, it's magic clearance, everything must go.
Dawn: But they're just candles.
Buffy: Yeah, well, to you and me they're just candles, but to witches they're like... bongs.

Anya: Like pudding, am I right? Rice or tapioca, lumpy like that.
Xander: We have to find Buffy, she's gotta know.
Anya: I don't think Buffy's going to be too broken up over a pylon.
Xander: Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy, I mean, if we don't figure out how this was done...
Anya: She's pudding.

Spike:You should go.
Buffy:I thought we were having fun.
Spike:Yeah, now. But eventually your friends are going to figure out a way to bring you back to living color. Get dressed if you can find your clothes and push off, 'cause if I can't have all of you...[looks down]...hey, that's cheating.

Buffy: So you three have, what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren: We're your arch-nemesises...ses.
[The girls see the boys struggling with the arcade's back door.]
Buffy: I give you my arch-nemesis...ses...ses.

Xander: [as Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?
Spike: What am I-... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I? [starts doing "push-ups"]
Xander: Exercising? Naked? In bed?
Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta be fit for killin'...
Xander: Ya-huh.

Doublemeat Palace

[Buffy attempts to find out the secret ingredient of Doublemeat burgers.]
Buffy: Sorry, I was just curious.
Manny the Manager: Curiosity killed the cat.
Buffy: [whispers] Theory number 5: cat burgers.

Anya: Xander, he-he's very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and... he loves me. Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does.
Halfrek: Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?
Anya: Well... you know, sometimes I'll do something or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, "It is incorrect for you to appreciate money so much," or-or, "Observe: here is how a real human would behave."
Halfrek: Oh, so he corrects you?

Buffy: Here you go, and I double-sized it for ya.
Xander: Oh, thank you!
Buffy: And cut way back on the cat.
Xander: [with mouth full] Cat?!
Buffy: Just kidding. [beat] Probably.

Buffy: We need to get that burger analyzed. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander: [with mouth full] What? People?
Buffy: Xander! You ate the burger?
Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, "Oh, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh"?
Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
Xander: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

[Recovering magic addict Willow is testing the burger with multicolored liquids.]
Xander: Good job, Will! Those aren't, like, potions, are they?
Willow: No. No potions. It's not magic, it's... chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.

Dead Things

Buffy: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something in my room. I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.
Spike: Do you even like me?
Buffy: [softly] Sometimes.
Spike: But you like what I do to you.
[Spike holds up a pair of handcuffs.]
Spike: Do you trust me?
Buffy: Never.

Warren: So how did you get so beautiful?
Katrina: Okay, does that line usually work?
[Katrina realizes it is her ex-boyfriend Warren]
Katrina: What the hell are you doing here?
Warren: It's nice seeing you again too, Katrina.
Katrina: Yeah, it's the "seeing you" part that's throwing me here, Warren, because I thought I was pretty clear with the "never wanting that to happen again."
Warren: That was a long time, baby.
Katrina: Apparently not long enough.
Warren: Oh, you're not still sore about that thing, are you?
Katrina: What thing would that be, exactly? The "wind-up-slut" you tinkered together? Or when Miss "Nuts-'n-Bolts" tried to choke me to death?
Warren: Okay, so, I've made a few mistakes...
Katrina: No, no, I did - for ever lowering myself to be with a jerk like you.
[Katrina gets up but Warren grabs her]
Warren: No, don't say that.
Katrina: Well, what did you expect? Just... waltz there and sweep me off my feet with your cheesy lines and fancy suit?
Warren: No! I-I just... thought we could talk... maybe work things out.
Katrina: There is nothing to work out. What you did was sick, and just looking at you makes me want to vomit!
Warren: Are you sure about that?
[Warren puts his red sunglasses on, and goes for his pocket]
Katrina: Yes, God yes I'm sure...!
[Warren flashes the mind-controlling device in front of her; Katrina stares at it, and then at Warren, blankly]
Katrina: I love you, Master.

Warren: I just, I wanted us to be together!
Katrina: There is no us, Warren! Get that through your big meaty head! I am not your girlfriend anymore!
Jonathan: She's your ex?
Andrew: Dude, that is messed up.
Katrina: Oh, you think? You bunch of little boys, playing at being men. Well, this is not some fantasy, it's not a game, you freaks! It's rape!

Willow: These things just made you think you killed her.
Xander: She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her.
Buffy: It wasn't the demons. It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it.
Willow: How can you be sure?
Buffy: You always hurt the one you love.

Older and Far Away

[Spike's attempt to get intimate with Buffy is interrupted by Tara's arrival.]
Spike: I had a... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
Tara: A muscle cramp? In your... pants?
Spike:What? It's a thing

Tara: So Spike! How's that muscle cramp?
Spike: What? Oh... uh... yeah. Better.
Tara: [smirking] Maybe you should put some ice on it.

Buffy: We do not joke about eating people in this house!

Richard: Ah, you have some weird friends.
Xander: News from the file marked "Duh".

Halfrek: There will be no touching of the pendant.

Sophie: Hey. Uh, my mom told me to say thank you right away, 'cause, otherwise I usually forget. So, thank you. And, also, um, I can't have any, any chocolate, or, or peanuts or egg yolks.
Anya: [whispering to Buffy] Is this the friend you brought from work?
Buffy: Yes.
Sophie: A-and sometimes dairy.
Buffy: No problem.
Anya: [whispering] Our friend is better.

Spike: What, poor dainty Richard can't take a joke?
Buffy: [firmly] We do not joke about eating people in this house!

As You Were

Willow: You know, when I was little I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them and just think... he-he-he!

[Buffy's ex-boyfriend Riley shows up unexpectedly at the burger bar where she works.]
Riley: I wanna explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale.
Buffy: My hat has a cow.

Xander: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?
Anya: Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
Xander: Without the laughs.

[Buffy's former flame Riley has returned to Sunnydale with a wife.]
Willow: Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Buffy: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty.
Willow: Well, that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.
Buffy: Go nuts.

Buffy: Tell me you love me.
Spike: I love you... you know I do.
Buffy: Tell me you want me.
Spike: [huskily] I always want you.

Riley: Good to be back in Sunnydale. The locals all speak English, and I know who to beat for information.

Riley: You want me to say I like seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?
Buffy: You smelled the smell?
Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything, it doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I've ever known. And, I'm not advertising this to the missus, but you're still quite the hottie.
Buffy: You know, it goes away after many bathings.

Hell's Bells

Anya: [practicing her wedding vows] I, Anya, promise to... love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?

D'Hoffryn: Oh. Hymen's greetings.
Dawn: Hi–what?
D'Hoffryn: Hymen. The god of matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.
Dawn: Cool.

Mr. Harris: And to my wife, Jessica. Where are you, honey? There she is. To my wife. What would I do without you, beautiful? Well, for starters, I probably wouldn't need to drink so much, would I? [chuckles] On the brighter side, marriage has probably saved me from a nasty dose of the clap. Here's to ya.

Spike: It's nice to watch you be happy, for them, even, I don't see it a lot, you, uh... you glow
Buffy: That's because the dress is radioactive.

Willow: [to Xander] It's a good thing I realised I was gay, otherwise, hey, you, me and formalwear!

Anya: I, Anya, promise to cherish you. Yeah, no, not cherish. Um, I promise to have sex with you whenever I want, and uh, uh, pledge to be your friend, your wife, and your confidante, and your sex poodle-
Tara: Uh, "sex poodle"?

[As Xander wanders the streets in the rain, Anya recites a final version]
Anya: I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because... I love you, and I'll always love you. And, before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. N-not even a person, really. And I'd seen what love could do to people, and it was... hurt, and sadness. A-alone was better. And then, suddenly, there was you! And-and you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm, so, I... get it now. I finally get love, Xander! I really do.

Normal Again

Buffy: Then I was like... No, it wasn't like, I was in an institution. There were, um, doctors, and nurses and other patients, they told me that I was sick... I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and all of this, none of it was real.
Xander: Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?

[Buffy is an inpatient in a psychiatric ward in an "alternate reality" LA. Hank and Joyce Summers, still married, are sitting with Buffy as they consult with her psychiatrist.]
Buffy: [sobbing] Dawn...
Joyce: Dawn?
Psychiatrist: The sister. She was introduced last year. It didn't make a lot of sense though, did it Buffy? She altered the fabric of her reality drastically. (meta-commenting on how the abrupt introduction of Dawn altered the entire series)

[Spike and Xander have found the demon that poisoned Buffy.]
Spike: Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik!
Xander: 'Cause I can't say Glarba...


Anya: I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut!
Xander: They are.
Anya: Really? [brightening] Right now? Does it hurt?
Xander: God, yes. It hurts so bad it's killing me. Anya, I love you. I want to make this work.
Anya: Those are... metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain!

Dawn: What if, instead of you hanging out with me, maybe I could hang out with you? Why don't I come patrolling with you tonight?
Buffy: Oh! And then, maybe we could invite over some strangers and ask them to feed you candy.
Dawn: You guys went out patrolling every night when you were my age.
Buffy: True, but technically you're one-and-a-half. See, I thought a little levity might, but okay, also no.

Anya: You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.
Tara: Well, it's-it's really not so much about hating the men.
Willow: We're more centered around the girl-on-girl action.
Anya: And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander!
Anya: [frustrated that Willow and Tara won't wish ill on Xander] What kind of lesbians are you? If you love men so much, go love men!

Buffy: I don't think he could feel any worse.
Anya: Let's test that theory.
Buffy: Anya, Xander's my friend. I know what he did was wrong, and if it happened to me, I'd-
Anya: Wish his penis would explode?

Buffy: [after Xander kicks a Garden Gnome on her front lawn, shattering it to pieces] Okay see, that’s exactly why a heart-to-heart is probably not your best course of action right now. You’re both angry, and upset and…what the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there while I was dead? Cuz, if I'd have known she did, I would've crawled out of the grave sooner!

Dawn: There's vengeance demons out there that are still active, remember? Any "I wish" can totally end in horrible grossness.
Anya: Give me a for instance?

Spike: Got something that'll dull the ache a bit?
Anya: Actually, yes. Giles left a couple of supplies here that I think just might help. Eases the hurt, makes the sun shine a little brighter, even makes boring people seem more interesting. Ah. Here. [she produces a bottle of Jack Daniels]
Spike:Drusilla was always straightforward.She never had a single buggering clue what was going on in front of her,but she was straight about it.

Tara: Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard.
Willow: Tara?
Tara: You can't ever... put 'em back the way they were...
Willow: Are you okay?
Tara: I'm sorry, it's just... [sigh] you know it takes time. You can't just... have coffee and expect—
Willow: I know.
Tara: There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides... You have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives. It's a long... important process, and... can we just skip it? Can... can you just be kissing me now?

Seeing Red

Willow: Mmm, I forgot how good this could feel. Us. Together. Without the magic.
Tara: There was plenty of magic.

Crying woman: He said he loved me.
Anya: Oh, gee, then he must have meant it, 'cause hey, guys never say anything they don't really mean, do they?
Crying woman: But we-
Anya: They say, "I love you," and, and you think it's true. They say, "Oh, Anya, I want to be with you for the rest of my life," and, and you believe them, you believe they feel the same way about you, because that's the way love's supposed to be, right?
Crying woman: Who's Anya?
Anya: And then you get all excited with the tingly anticipation, but wait! Not so fast! There's the apocalypse, a-and the back from the grave, and the blah blah blah blah blah, and by the time you're finally standing there in that beautiful expensive white dress you've dreamed about ever since you became human, he's gets all heebie-jeebie and decides, "you know, I'd rather just go steady."

Buffy: Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.
Xander: [softly] It used to be.
Buffy: It just happened, okay?
Xander: Oh, like, uh, "Say, you're evil. Get on me"?
Buffy: You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.
Xander: But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?

Tara: These things take time. We'll figure it out.
Willow: Sure. We'll decipher codes, foil evil schemes...
Tara: Finally get out of bed...
Willow: I was with you up until there.
Tara: Maybe we can cross-reference them with the county clerk's office.
Willow: Would that involve getting up?
Tara: [smiling] Eventually.
Willow: Then I'm coming out firmly against it.
Tara: [mock-frowning] What about the Trio's evil scheme?
Willow: [grinning] Well, I'm kinda busy working on my own.

Woman: You're all wet.
Xander: It's a good thing I'm part fish.
Woman: [smiling] Which part?
Xander: The part with the hook in it.
Woman: Careful. Someone might reel you in.
Xander: Yeah, but then there'd be the flopping and the... gasping, and, sure, maybe it'd work out, but chances are I'd up and leave you at the helm in your white dress. Then find you spawning with another fish who turns out to be spawning my very good friend night and day behind my back. Then comes the fighting and again with the flopping and the gasping, 'cause hey, Chicken of the Sea here's not doing too good with the women these days.

Jonathan: We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about—
Andrew: Warren's the boss. He's Picard, you're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.
Warren: Don't worry babies, daddy gonna give you some too.
Xander: See, now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her, 'cause incest, not that sexy.

Buffy: Just making sure there are no more evil trio cameras... or evil uno.
Xander: The sinister yet addictive card game?
Buffy: Warren.

Warren: You think you could just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that? [laughs some seconds] Think again. [Points a gun at Buffy and shoot five times, three of them while he runs away]
Tara: [Has been shot in her chest from behind, looking confused at Willow] Your shirt...


Xander: Anya was saying she knows where Willow is.
Buffy: A spell?
Xander: Not exactly. Seems Anya got her vengeance on again.

Warren: It was an accident, you know.
Dark Willow: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend you killed my girlfriend.
Warren: It wasn't personal, that's all.
Willow: Well this is.

Dark Willow: Bored now. [Uses magic to rip Warren's skin off.]

Dark Willow: One down...

Andrew: Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman?
Jonathan: That's what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!
Andrew: We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet.
Jonathan: Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. [lowers his voice] That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.

Warren: I had my own guys. The Trio, yeah, you've heard of us.
Rack: Right. What were you, a band or something?

Xander: Fine, fine! Puppetmaster want to drive? Go right ahead!

Clem: Do you like Parcheesi?
Dawn: [trying to be nice] Sure.
Clem: Or, we could rent videos. I've been dying to see "The Wedding Planner".
Dawn: Either way, I'm good.
Clem: Ooh, and here. [indicates a chair] You can have the comfy chair.

Two to Go

Xander: Right. Vengeance demon. Well, at least she'll get there first.
Buffy: I'm counting the ways that can go wrong.

Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara is dead. Willow found out, and, being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere she decided to get the payback, with interest.
Andrew: What about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.
Andrew: Oh my god, Warren!
Jonathan: Oh my god, Me!

Andrew: What was that?
Xander: Just Willow.

Rack: Guess the rehab didn't take, huh. That's the way it goes sometimes.
Rack: You still taste like strawberries, only now... you're ripe.

Dark Willow: You don't have to talk. Just think real loud. I can hear you.

Jonathan: [to Andrew] You want an order? Grow up!

Andrew: Think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers. And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Anya: The annoying virgin has a point.
Anya: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want.

Dark Willow: And now? Willow's a junkie.
Dark Willow: [to Buffy] You're trying to sell me on the world? Where you avoid your friends when you're not trying to kill them? Where you have to screw a vampire just to feel? Where insane asylums are the happy alternative? Come on Buffy -- the only time you were really happy was when you were dead.

Dark Willow: Jonathan. Andrew. You boys like magic, don't you? Abracadabra.

Buffy: Will, back off before somebody gets hurt.
Dark Willow: How 'bout I back off right after?

Anya: I can't, I-I have to stay here and keep the spell going on Willow.
Xander: No, but...
Anya: Go, do something right!
Dark Willow: Oh Buffy. You really need every inch of your ass kicked.

Andrew: Yeah, and what if the Slayer's dead already? We're just supposed to sit around waiting for Sabrina to show up and disembowel us?

Dark Willow: The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now.
Giles: I'd like to test that theory.


Dark Willow: You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

Giles: Buffy, what's happened here?
Buffy: God. I don't even know where to start.
Giles: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks.
Buffy: She has. She was ... and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... [sighs.] Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again... [Giles looks shocked.] Dawn's a total klepto ... money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace ... [looks down at the floor.] And I've been sleeping with Spike.

[Giles stares at her... then starts laughing. He covers his mouth with his hand but can't stop. Buffy stares at him.]

Giles: [trying to calm down.] Sorry.

[He bursts out laughing again. Buffy rolls her eyes, now just looks amused. Giles keeps laughing and slowly Buffy starts to laugh too.]

[They both stand there laughing uncontrollably.]


[Buffy and Giles are still laughing helplessly. Buffy is leaning over the pommel horse.]

Giles: [laughing.] Duct tape?
Buffy: [laughing.] On their mouths. So the demon could eat them...
Giles: Because they were figments.

[More laughing.]

Buffy: All of it! You, Sunnydale ... And I was just some nutcase in L.A.
Giles: [still laughing.] Of course. Why didn't we see it before?
Giles: Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is... ask for help when you need it.
Buffy: Now you tell me.

Dark Willow: [to Buffy] You're always saving everyone. It's kinda pesky.

[Willow sucks the magic out of Giles.]
Dark Willow: Wow. Whoa. Who's your supplier? This is...wow.

Dark Willow: It was me that took you out of the Earth. Well, now... the Earth wants you back.

[Dawn decapitates a demon while Buffy looks on, amazed.]
Dawn: What, you think I never watched you?

Dark Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me ya love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh, it seemed kinda cartoony.
Xander: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.
Willow: You think I won't?
Xander: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
Willow: Shut up.

Giles: Willow's magic came from a... place of rage and power.
Anya: And vengeance. Don't forget vengeance.
Giles: Oh. How could I?

Dawn: I'm sorry to disappoint...wait, is that happy crying?
Buffy: Yes, dummy. You think I wanted the world to end?
Dawn: I don't know. Didn't you?
Buffy: I don't want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you.
Cave Demon:You have completed the required challenges
Spike:Bloody right i have
Cave Demon:Very well.We will return your soul

[A bright flashes on Spike's chest as he screams in Pain]

Season 7


Buffy: My first time out, I missed the heart too.
Dawn: No way.
Buffy: Just the once.

Willow: Is there anything you don't know everything about?
Giles: Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.

Xander: How do you make cereal?
Buffy: I put the box next to the milk. I saw it on the food channel.
Xander: So, how are you doing?
Buffy: My sister's about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

Dawn: Check out double O Xander.
Buffy:Go. Talk with your mouth full.

Buffy: Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who's invisible...
Dawn: I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anyone who's invisible.

Dawn: I got it. The stake is not the power. You never know what's coming. To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away.

Buffy: You're the principal? I expected you to be more... aged.
Wood: You look pretty young to have such a grown up daughter.
Buffy: No. Sister.
Wood: Of course.
Buffy: [Laughs] You didn't really think she's my... It's my hair. I have Mom hair.

Wood: Isn't it customary for someone who's already graduated to . . . go somewhere else?

Willow: The coven, they're the most amazing women I've ever met, but there's this look they get, like I'm going to turn them all into bangers and mash. And I'm not even sure what that is.
Giles: They're cautious. I'm sure you can understand that.
Willow: I don't have that much power, I don't think.
Giles: It's all connected. You're connected to a great power, whether you feel it or not.
Willow: I wish you'd just take it from me.
Giles: You know we can't. This isn't a hobby or an addiction. It's inside you now. You're responsible for it.
Willow: Will they always be afraid of me?
Giles: Maybe. Can you handle that?
Willow: I deserve a lot worse. I killed people, Giles.
Giles: I've not forgotten.
Willow: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me, or to lock me in a mystical dungeon for all eternity, or with the torture. Instead you go all Dumbledore on me. I'm learning about magic, Gaia, energy, and the roots system.
Giles: Do you want to be punished?
Willow: I want to be Willow.
Giles: You are. In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed.

Wood: Not even noon, and already I've guilted my first family member into helping. I'm going to be the best principal ever.

Buffy: If at first you don't succeed... cheat.

[Convinced he's going mad, Spike is tormented by The First.]
Spike: I had a speech... I learned it all... Oh god, she won't understand, she won't understand...
The First [as Warren]: Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl! With sugar, and spice, and everything... useless. Unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh.
The First [as Glory]: More than blood. I'm... you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips. Assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's all right, though.
The First [as Adam]: I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.
The First [as Mayor Wilkins]: So, what'd you think? You'd get your soul back, and everything'd be jim-dandy? A soul's slippier than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man. And I respect that. But you...
The First [as Drusilla]: ...never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me... singing our little song. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them. Right from the beginning. And that's where we're going, ...
The First [as the Master]: ...right back to the beginning! Not the bang. Not the word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right. Just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right. Not about wrong.
The First [as Buffy]: It's about power.

Beneath You

Buffy: I doubt we'll even see each other. Assuming I even half understand my fuzzy job description.
Dawn: It's not fuzzy. You're what, dealing with troubled kids?
Xander: At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?

[Willow is afraid about returning to Sunnydale]
Giles: You may not be wanted, but you will be needed.
Willow: That all you've got?

Xander: Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.
Nancy: There's good food?

Anya: I had a quota, the guy had it coming. What's the big?
Nancy: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Buffy: Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.
Anya: [anguished] Oooh, puppy!
Xander: Wait — that gets your sad noise? People's lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?
Dawn: I'll be command central. Everyone report to me. I'll be doing my homework, but the other one sounded cooler.
Spiike: When exactly did your sister become unbelievably scary?
Nancy: Is there anyone in this group who haven't slept with each other?

[Spike and Xander exchange an awkward look]

Spike: I get it. The joke's on me. Lots of laughs. Yeah. Hey, bring the wife and kiddies. Come see the show. 'Cause its gonna be a circus. This... just the beginning, love. A warm-up act. The real headliner's coming. And when that band hits the stage, all this... All this... will come tumbling in death and screaming horror and bloodshed. From beneath you, it devours...
Buffy: Have you lost your mind?
Spike: Well yes, where have you been all night?

Spike: I wanted to kill you. I think they were dreams. So weak... you made me weak, thinking of you. Holding myself, spilling useless buckets of salt all over your.... ending. Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here. In me. All the time. I wanted to give you what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me and all it does is burn.
Buffy: Your soul?
Spike: Bit worse for lack of use.
Buffy: You got your soul back? How?
Spike: It's what you wanted right? It's... t's what you wanted right? And-and now everybody's in here. Everyone I-and him. And it. The other thing. Beneath... Beneath you. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go... to Hell.
Buffy: Why? Why would you do that?
Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be the kind of man who would nev-To be a kind of man. And she will look upon him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?
[Spike lays on a cross, being burned. Buffy watches with tears down her face]

Same Time, Same Place

Dawn: Well, if she's doing that—ducking Giles—then, she's evil, right?
Xander: Well, I've avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.
Buffy: I hope you're right, because defeating Lazy Willow — probably less hard.
Buffy: She sort of didn't finish
Dawn: She didn't finish not being evil?

Anya: You feel really responsible? You are really responsible!
Willow: I know I hurt you... and everyone... and I'm sorry.
Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the sorry. We prefer, "Oh, God! Please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"
Willow: Go on. Say whatever you want, rib bones and so forth. I deserve it.
Anya: And you won't mind?
Willow: No.
Anya [pouts slightly]: Well then, that's no fun.

Buffy: No skin.
Xander: Tough to look at.
Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.

Spike: Red's a bad girl.
Buffy: He's talking about Willow.
Xander: And that means something 'cause he's chock full of sanity.

Spike: William's a good boy. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn't it. Supposed to help, but it doesn't. Still so heavy.
Xander: I should've put a leash on him.
Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.
Buffy: It's simple. Spike follows the smell of Willow and we follow the fairly ripe smell of Spike.
Dawn: It's smellementary. We don't need magic, just good old-fashioned detective work. I was thinking we could compile data on demons, keep a record of tooth matches and I could wear high heels more often.
Buffy: That was so close to being empowering.


Xander: Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. At the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.
Willow: Ouch.
Xander: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a tradeoff.
Willow: That's actually not a bad analogy. Except, I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.
Xander: Right. Ouch.
Xander:"From beneath You,it devours".Its not the happiest slogan.Its no "I Like Ike" or "Milk.It does a body good"

[Dawn is climbing out of a coffin on patrol]

Dawn: I think these things come with a freakin' child lock!

Buffy: I need to fix this. I don't usually get a heads up before somebody dies.
Robin: What do you mean usually?

Willow: Have you Googled her yet?
Xander: Willow! She's 17!
Willow: It's a search engine.

Buffy: Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.
Xander: And Buffy the counselor?
Buffy: Waits.

Cassie: You think I want this? You think I don't care? [cries] Believe me, I want to... be here, do things. I want to graduate from high school, and I want to go to the stupid winter formal... I have this friend, and it would be fun to go with him. Just to dance and hear lame music to wear a silly dress and laugh and stuff... I'd like to go. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do. I'd love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I'd love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out 'cause they're really mean and I think they're gonna be fat. I'd love to backpack across the country or, I don't know, fall in love, but I won't. I just never will.


Buffy: Spike, this basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
Spike [laughs]: Can't hear you. Can't hear you.
Buffy: You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
Spike: Scream "Montresor" all you like, pet.
Buffy: Get up and get out of this basement.
Spike: I don't have anywhere else to go.

Anya: I uh, I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me. Except to say that "your questions are irksome," or "perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river."

[Buffy, Xander and Willow argue about whether to kill the re-demonized Anya.]
Xander: You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt -
Buffy: I killed Angel!! Do you even remember that?! I would have given up everything I had to be with... I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life! And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out OK.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you! Do you remember giving me Willow's message? "Kick his ass."
Willow [shocked]: I never said that!
Xander: This is different.
Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me! You get down on me for cutting myself off but in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.
[Xander walks out the front door. Buffy turns to Willow, silently asking her help to dispatch Anya.]
Willow: I can't. I'm sorry. [Buffy grabs a sword and heads outside]

Xander: You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
Anya: She's coming to try.
Xander [exasperated]: Did everybody have their Crazy Flakes today? You guys are friends! How could you talk like this?
Anya: I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.

D'Hoffryn: [surveying the fraternity boys Anya killed] Oh, breathtaking! It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.


Buffy: So, do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks, wait for the fleet to come in?
Dawn: [shocked] What?
Buffy: [furious] Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third... Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky!
Xander: Here's how it works. You don't touch my food, I get shower first and if I use all the hot water, that's just your tough noogies.

[Xander finds Buffy straddling R.J. in the counseling office.]
R.J.: Hey guy, it's called knocking.
Xander: I'm sorry, it's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. And also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! [to Buffy] Now get off the boy, Buffy, we're going home.

Willow: Damn love spell! I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find.
Anya: Even if you found the right one, guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love-spell spell... spell.
Willow: What?

Anya and Willow are fighting over R.J

Willow: But you don't even know him!
Anya: Yes I do! I looked into him, and I saw his soul.
Willow: He was walking away, so, unless his soul is in his ass...!

[The women are threatening one another with what they're each going to do to win R.J.'s love]
Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman! [Willow makes a face conveying "And?"] And he... isn't?!
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a penis!
Willow: I can work around it!
Willow: Let's look at who loves him most. Clearly, I do, as I'm willing to look past the whole gender thing.
Anya: I'd kill for him!
Willow: [scoffs] You'd kill for a chocolate bar!
Willow: Well, I have skills! I can prove my love with magic!
Anya: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, use magic to make him into a girl? [Willow's eyes widen, inspired] Damn!

[The Scoobies are burning R.J.'s enchanted jacket in Buffy's fireplace.]
Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on a little bit?
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.
Buffy:So Anya what did You do?
Anya:I wrote an epic poem comparing him to the sky and the ocean
T.V Announcer:The wave of robberies and arson throughout Sunnydale continues.The perpetrator remains uncaught...
Anya:[Turning off the T.V]Okay,so Ice cream? My treat

Conversations with Dead People

Jonathan: Wish I'd have stayed in Mexico.
Andrew: Ah, I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicoan.
Jonathan: You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.
Andrew: That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay? Besides, I can't keep having those nightmares.
Jonathan: Me neither. Desde abajo te devora.
Andrew: "It eats you, starting with your bottom."
Jonathan: Gonna make it right.
Andrew: We're outlaws with hearts of gold.

Holden Webster: Whoa. Did my face just change?
Buffy: Yeah. You look human now. You can do that. Go back and forth.
Holden: Oh, so I'm a vampire. [laughs] How weird is that?
Buffy: Sorry.
Holden: No, no. Feels great. Strong. Like I'm connected to a powerful all consuming evil that's gonna suck the world into a fiery oblivion. How about you?
Buffy: Not so much connected.
Holden: No, no. I mean, with the stake? And the cross? You do this kind of thing a lot?
Buffy: I'm The Slayer. It's sort of a thing.
Holden: So, what? You like fight vampires professionally?
Buffy: Oh, I don't get paid. It's more like a Calling. Since... even in school.
Holden: I heard a lot of rumors about you back then. You were all mysterious.
Buffy: I was?
Holden: Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.
Buffy: What? I dated that ringworm!
Holden: He says that about every girl he breaks up with. Then, last year, big surprise... he comes out.

Holden: Oh, I have so much to learn. Come on, isn't this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we're, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we became nemeses?
Buffy: Is that how you say the word?
Holden: We're gonna have to fight to the death, aren't we?
Buffy: It's the time-honored custom.
Holden: Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn't it? But, you know, I've got the bloodlust pumping, and I kinda get it. I'm looking for a fight. And, oh, it's nothing personal.
Buffy: Oh, no, I mean, you've been great.
Holden: Hey, I don't mean to be Count Buttinsky here, but you just don't seem as thrilled. Is it because we're gonna fight?
Buffy: It's because I'm gonna win.
Holden: Hello! Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody's counting their chickens.
Buffy: You're not leaving this graveyard. Can't let you.
Buffy: If you knew what I've done, what I've let myself become. My best friends don't even know. You'd laugh if you heard some of the things I've done to them.
Holden: Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.

Holden: Oh my God!
Buffy: Oh, your God what?
Holden: Oh, well, not my God. Because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that by the way?
Buffy: Nothing solid.
Warren:"If You strike Me down..."
Andrew:"I will become more powerful than You can possibly imagine"
Andrew:"That boy is our last hope"
Warren:"No.There is another"
Andrew:Really? Who's our last hope?
Warren:No I was just going with it.He's our last hope

The First (as Cassie): [after trying to trick Willow into believing Tara wants her to kill herself] I can see it now. Candlelight, the Indigo Girls playing, picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap... [mocking] Oh, baby, you left such a big hole. It hurt so bad! [serious] You don't know hurt. This last year's gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good versus evil, balancing the scales thing? I'm over it. I'm done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I'm going for a big finish.
Willow: "From beneath you, it devours."
The First (as Cassie): Oh, not "it"... ME.


Xander: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him? What's that? Some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.

Anya: You know you were a lot more fun when you didn't have a soul.
Spike: Oh, come on now, I've just explained to you...
Anya: All I'm saying is soulless Spike would have had me upside down and half-way to happyland by now.

Young Woman Vampire: Is that all I was to you, a one-bite stand?

Aimee Mann: Man, I hate playing vampire towns.

Never Leave Me

Willow: I am Willow. I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true! OK?

Xander: There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, be he had to do it all... empty. Without anything to look forward to... ever.
Andrew: Sounds bad.
Xander: Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.
Andrew: Oh, God.
Xander: But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.

Quentin Travers: Ladies and gentlemen, our fears have been confirmed. The First Evil has declared all-out war on this institution. Their first volleys proved most effective. I, for one, think it's time we struck back.
Quentin Travers: We'll be paying a visit to the hell mouth. My friends, these are the times that define us. Proverbs 24:6, "O, by wise council, you shall make your war."
[The Watcher's Council Headquarters blows up.]

The First (as Buffy): I have to admit I'm glad it worked out this way, I was going to bleed Andrew but you look a lot better with your shirt off... To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of subtle... I think it's about time we brought some authority to our presence... Now Spike, you wanna see what a real vampire looks like?

Bring on the Night

Andrew: Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297–299.
Xander: "Catacombs". Yeah, with the skeletons.
Andrew, Xander: That was cool.
Xander: [embarrassed] Move it! This way!
[He shoves Andrew ahead.]

Xander: Hey, junior Slayers, don't look so worried. I mean, sure, we don't know where Spike is or how to fight the First, or if and when the super-styled vampire is gonna attack us all. However, house — boarded up. Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it's game over.
Willow: Xander, newbies. Let's ease them into the whole "jokes in the face of death" thing.
Xander: Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. You saying M. Night Shyamalan lied to us?

Giles: We're back at square one.
Xander: Which square would that be, exactly?
Giles: I'm not sure. The First predates everything we've ever known. Or can know. It's everywhere, it's pure. I don't know if we can fight it.
Buffy: You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. [We] can't run, can't hide... can't pretend it's not the end 'cause it is. Something has always... been there to try and destroy the world. We've... beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
Giles: Buffy, I, um... I-I know you're... you're tired...
Buffy: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. [near sobbing] I'm standing on the mouth of Hell and it is going to swallow me whole. [hardens] And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one by one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's us. Any questions?

Willow: [to Buffy] Are you sure this thing called itself The First?
Buffy: Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.
Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" [everyone stares at her] Or terrified. Whatever.


Xander: Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes.
Andrew: I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you... I'm bored. Episode I bored.
[About Andrew.]
Rona: Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?
Xander: The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"

[Xander is undoing the extremely tight ropes around Andrew's arms.]
Andrew: Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand.
Xander: I'm not gonna touch that one.
Buffy: You try anything, try to run---did you ever see the movie Misery?
Andrew: Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with...
[Andrew trails off as it sinks in. Buffy nods.]
Andrew: I'll be good.

Andrew: I think a guy slayer would be badass. Like—like if there was this ninja, a guy slayer would be like, "you may be silent, but this'll shut you up." Hiya.
Dawn: Buffy could stomp ninja ass.

[To the Potential Slayers.]
Buffy: We need to stick together, okay? We're stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.
Andrew: She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
Buffy: Don't help me.

Willow: Last time I tried using magic... the First, it turned it around on me, got inside. I felt it surging through me, every fibre of my being, pure undiluted evil. I could taste it.
Kennedy: How's evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.


Buffy: [on the phone at work] Well, I'm sorry Xander...next time, close the door when you take a shower at my house...of course they're curious!

Willow: The smell will lead us to the potential.
Xander: Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.

Andrew: Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny
Xander: Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.
Andrew: It's like—well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-
Xander: I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.

Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.
Dawn: Maybe that's your power.
Xander: What?
Dawn: Seeing, knowing.
Xander: Maybe it is... Maybe I should get a cape.

The Killer in Me

Buffy: I know. But you should go. This trip is important for the girls, to understand the source of their power, and know how to use it right.
Giles: I don't think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking. It's frightening and it's difficult. Then, apparently someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey.. until a spooky rasta mama slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.

Kennedy: Let's start with the easy stuff. How long have you known... that you were gay?
Willow: Wait. That's easy? And what, you just assume that I'm gay. I mean, presume much?
Kennedy: Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?
Willow: Hey! What, you think you have some sort of special lesbo-dar or something?
Kennedy: Okay, you know there's a better word for that, right?

[Spike lies bleeding because of his malfunctioning control chip.]
Buffy: Well, we'll fix it. We'll hit serious research mode—
Spike: Good. Try Behavioral Modification Software Throughout the Ages.
Buffy: [sighs] Okay. You're right. Not a book thing. [pauses] It's a phone thing.
Spike: Who you gonna call?
[Buffy looks askance at him.]
Spike: God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.

Giles: Now wait a minute—you think I'm evil... if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?

Soldier: Miss Summers! Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
Buffy: I knew it! [whispers to Spike] Government conspiracy.
Soldier: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Ass-Face here.
[Spike and Buffy stare at him.]
Soldier: Those were his exact words, ma'am.

First Date

Giles: I was quick to act and defeated the demon. It was mainly instinct and reflexes. I've developed a sort of weary watchfulness over the years. It's almost like another sense. [Spike then tackles Giles to the ground. They talk at the same time]
Spike: Hey, you're not the first!
Giles: Hey, you're not in pain!
Buffy: You think I'm losing sight of the big picture, but I'm not. When Spike had that chip, it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can't beat evil by doing evil. I know that.

Lissa: I can't even figure out if I've got the right kind of rope.
Xander: That depends on what you need it for. Something like functional around the house, or, you know, recreational -- by which I mean, for example, boating or mountain climbing -- not for tying someone up for sexy, funky fun... In conclusion, rope can be useful in various ways.

Robin: Well, then, I'd, um, I'd like to take you out to dinner, if that's all right with you. I mean, you don't have to. I'm certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job. [chuckles] You know, I may have to make up a document saying I didn't just say that and have you sign it.
Buffy: Sure. I'd be happy to have dinner with you.
Robin: Great. I'll draw up the paperwork.

Buffy: [about a date with Principal Wood] Or it could be work-related. Maybe I'm getting promoted for doing such a good job.
Willow: [laughs heartily, then sees Buffy's look] Right, that makes sense too.
Buffy: Or maybe he knows I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me.
Willow: Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity.
Buffy: You know, it’s not even that he’s acting that suspicious. It’s just - there he is. On the hell mouth. All day, every day. That’s got to be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
Willow: I'm gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.

Andrew: Yes, it was in Buffy's underwear drawer. She has nice things.
The First (as Jonathan): Show me.
Andrew: Well, I didn't take 'em, but there were thongs and regular underpants-

Get It Done

Spike: Would you let it go? You're like a dog with a bone.
Anya: So what?
Spike: It's my bone! Just drop it.

Buffy: Andrew is our... actually, he's our hostage.
Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a "guest-age".

Willow: Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the... school... pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it on!"
Buffy: Will, it's okay, he knows.
Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.
Robin: Buffy tells me you have been, umm... oh, how shall I put it?... experimenting... [long embarrassed pause] ...with the magics.
Willow: Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside. [to Buffy] So much cooler than Snyder!
Wood: [when Willow left] She really almost destroyed the world?
Buffy: Yep.

Buffy: Oh I don't know. It's just... The First is coming... and look at us, the army! We've got a bunch of fighters with nothing to hit, a wicca who won't-a, and the brains of our operation wears oven mitts.

Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".
Buffy: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say".
Xander: Jawohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
Anya: I'm not.
Buffy: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is that you do?
Anya: I provide much needed... sarcasm.
Xander: Um... that'd kinda be my job actually.


[The scene opens with a Masterpiece Theatre-like setting, with Andrew reading a book.]
Andrew: Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.
[He closes the book.]
Andrew: You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery — don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call... Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.

Andrew: It was cold last night, and the wind was cru-el, but the Slayer had a job to do. [cut to Buffy battling two vampires in a cemetery] Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too.

[A vampire knocks Buffy to the ground. Cut to Andrew in his "study."]
Andrew: Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready—
[There's a knock at the door, which Andrew ignores.]
Andrew: ... ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.
[Cut to the bathroom, where Andrew sits on the closed toilet, trying to continue his narration.]
Andrew: Let's rejoin them now to see—
[Suddenly, Anya barges in.]
Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew! You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop!
Andrew: But it’s a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action.
Buffy: A nerd in pain. Would they like that? ’cause we could do that.

Andrew: It’s a full house. I think it’s a good time to do some introductions, don’t you, gentle viewers?
Andrew: [bright fantasy shot, clear, emotional voice] You’ve already met Buffy. She’s beautiful, with a lion’s heart and the face of an angel. She’s never afraid because she knows her side will always win. [Spike enters shot, somehow shirtless] Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he’s room-temperature. [Anya enters shot, eating grapes] Anya. A feisty waif with a fiery temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides even from herself. [pan to unnamed Potential Slayer eating cereal] This lovely girl... [uncertain - back to normal voice] I don't remember her name.

Andrew: There something you can see going on between Principal Wood and Spike ... sexual tension you could cut with a knife!
[Andrew is filming Spike smoking a cigarette. We see Spike through the camera]
Spike: Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!
Andrew: Spike, the light was behind you.
Spike: Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that...

Lies My Parents Told Me

Buffy: [about the school] Situation still normal. Well, or as normal as this school ever sees.
Robin: So it appears.
Buffy: Well, no fires, no one's heads going kablooey. And the swing choir and the marching band have gone back to their normal, healthy seething resentment.
Spike(1977): [To Nikki Wood] By the way, love the coat.

Buffy: Maybe you're right. Maybe everything is fine.
Giles: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.
Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen. I - I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
Robin: Uh, that would - that would be me. Hi. I'm Robin Wood.
Giles: Oh, sorry. Rupert Giles. Sorry. Buffy tells me you're something of a freelance demon fighter. [Robin closes door] Oh, yes, yes. I, um, I'm relieved. We're running dangerously low on allies.
Buffy: So, we didn't stop it, then?
Giles: Uh, no, the seers at the coven are certain the First is continuing to gather its forces. I'm afraid war is inevitable. [regarding the library] So, we should go before the school board.

Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
Giles: Um, rea— no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It's–it's, um, regarding Spike.
Buffy: Spike. What about him?
Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
Robin: Wait, sorry — chip?
Giles: Well, uh, it's a... long story.
Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.
Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
Buffy: But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
Robin: Triggers the chip?
Buffy: No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him… He was killing again.
Robin: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
Giles: Not anymore!
Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
Robin: The trigger?
Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.
Robin: Because the military gave him a soul?
[Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]
Robin: Uh... sorry.

Kennedy: So, Spike's trigger's been active this entire time?
Rona: How can Buffy take this for granted? I mean, he lives in our house, we train with him.
Anya: Don't waste your time down that road. Spike's got some sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card that doesn't apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys, and... [everyone shoots a look at Anya] Forgiveness makes us human, blah-dee-blah-blah-blah.

Andrew: Willow, a call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. The guy sounds kind of effeminate.

Dirty Girls

Faith: Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somthin' like this? [punches Spike]
Spike: (stands) Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower...you must be Faith.
Faith: [shrugs and grins] Oh, goodie. I'm famous.
Spike: Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I'm—
Faith: Spike. [nods] Yeah, we've met before.
Spike: We have? I don't think we— [Faith kicks Spike in the torso] Bloody hell! What're you doing? I'm on your side.
Faith: Yeah? Maybe you haven't heard. I've reformed. [punches Spike]
Spike: So have I. [punches Faith] I reformed way before you did. [Faith punches Spike] Stop... [punches Faith] hitting... [punches Faith again] me! We're on the same side.
Faith: Please. You think I'm stupid?
Spike: Well, yeah. [grins]
Faith: You were attacking that girl. [punches Spike]
[Someone punches Faith in the face, knocking her down. Pan over to show it's Buffy.]
Buffy: [innocently] Sorry, Faith. I didn't realize that was you.
Faith: It's all right, B. Luckily, you still punch like you used to.
Buffy: You OK?
Spike: Yeah. Terrific.
Faith: [to Buffy] You're protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?
Buffy: He's with me. He has a soul.
Faith: Oh, he's like Angel?
Spike: No!
Buffy: Sort of.
Spike: I am nothing like Angel.
Buffy: He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us.
Spike: Angel's dull as a table lamp! And we have very different coloring.
Faith: Yeah, well if he's so good, what's he doing chasing down defenseless—
[The young woman that Spike was chasing stands up, growls, and attacks Faith, knocking her down.]
Buffy: That's one of the bad guys.
Faith: You should make 'em wear a sign.

Caleb: "Drink of this, for it is my blood." You know, I always loved the story of the Last Supper. The body and blood of Christ becoming rich, red wine. I recall, as a boy, though, I couldn't help but think: what would happen if you were at the Last Supper, and you ordered the white? A nice oaky Chardonnay or White Zin. I mean, would he make that out of his lymph or some-all? Never did bring it up. Suppose there was a reason why I never spent too long in one parish. Just looking for answers. Just looking for the Lord in the wrong damn places. Then you showed me the light.
Caleb:I work in mysterious ways[Stabs a Slayer]Also some fairly straightforward ones

Faith: Every guy's got some whack fantasy. Scratch the surface of any granola-type dude - naughty nurses and horny cheerleaders... I figure, if you can't beat 'em—
Spike: Join 'em.
Faith: Just don't forget who's on top.
Spike: That, I suspect, would be you.

Xander: I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She's stopped everything that's ever come up against her. [Buffy and Faith walk in] She's laid down her life -— literally -— to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she's still standing. You're scared? That's smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle... I've seen her heart, and this time, not literally. And I'm telling you, right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.
Faith: Damn. I never knew you were that cool.
Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.

Caleb: [to Faith] Well, you're the other one, aren't you. You're Cain to her Abel. No offense meant to Cain, of course.
Faith: I never was one for the good book.
Caleb: Oh, it has its moments.

Caleb: So you're the one who sees everything? Let's see what we can do about that.
[Caleb gouges out Xander's eye]

Empty Places

Xander: I might need a parrot.
Willow: Huh?
Xander: Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.

Anya: Okay... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this overcrowded and, might I add, increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex.
[The Potentials on the cot awkwardly get off it.]

Buffy: [about Caleb] Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested.

Andrew: You sure you don't wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food?
Spike: It's not a road trip. It's a covert operation.
Andrew: Right. Right. Gotcha... I—I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.
Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
Andrew: Ooh, I love those.
Spike: Yeah, me, too.
Andrew: It's an onion... and it's a flower. I—I don't understand how such a thing is possible.
Spike: See, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.
Andrew: Masterful.
Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.
Andrew: Right.

Anya: And it's automatically you. You really do think you're better than we are.
Buffy: No, I—
Anya: But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy.
Buffy: I—
Anya: But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.


Kennedy: All I'm saying is now that Buffy's not here, we finally have some say in how and when we lose our necks.
Robin: Maybe you don't have to be so blunt about the "losing of the necks" bit.
Anya: Let the girl speak the truth. We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.

Buffy: We were never close. You just wanted me because I was... unattainable.
Spike: You think that's all that was?
Buffy: Please, let's not go over the past.
Spike: Oh, no, no! Oh, let's hold on here! I've hummed along to your pity ditty. I think I should have the mic for a bit.
Buffy: Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up.
Spike: You're insufferable.
Buffy: Thank you. That really helped.
Spike: I'm not tryin' to cheer you up.
Buffy: Then what are you trying to say?
Spike: I don't know! I'll know when I'm done sayin' it. Something pissed me off, and I just-- "unattainable," that's it.
Buffy: Fine. I'm attainable. I'm a-- I'm an "attain-a-thon." May I please just go to sleep?
Spike: You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood... which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You... Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the One, Buffy.
Buffy: I don't want to be the One.
Spike: I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.

Robin: That's exactly what The First does. Finds your Achilles' heel.
Faith: Nah, it just talked to me. What? It does a heel thing, too?
Robin: It's a phrase. Your weak spot.
Faith: Oh. The school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.

The First (as Buffy): I envy them. Isn't that the strangest thing?
Caleb: Well, it does throw me just a tad. I mean, they're barely more than animals. Feedin' off each other's flesh, it's nauseatin'. But you, you're everywhere. You're in the hearts of little children. You're in the souls of the rich. You're the fire that makes people kill and hate. The fire that will cure the world of weakness. They're just sinners. You are sin.
The First (as Buffy): I do enjoy your sermons.
Caleb: And you're in me. Gave me strength no man can have.
The First (as Buffy): You're the only man strong enough to BE my vessel and I know you feel me, but... I know why they grab at each other. To feel. I want to feel. I want to wrap my hands around some innocent neck and feel it crack.
Caleb: Amen.

End of Days

Buffy: I think it's maybe some kind of scythe. The only thing I know for sure is that it made Caleb back off in a hurry.
Willow: [to Giles] So it's true. Scythe matters.

Faith: There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.
Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
Faith: Good point. Also a factor.
Buffy: But you're right. I mean, like... I guess everyone's alone, but... being a Slayer? There's a burden we can't share.
Faith: And no one else can feel it... Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.
Buffy: Takes the edge off.
Faith: [nods] Comforting.

Anya: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane... and yet here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never... they never quit. So I guess I'll keep fighting too.
Andrew: That was kind of beautiful. You, you love humans.
Anya: I do not
Andrew: Yes you do. [singing] You love them.

Ancient Woman: You pulled it out of the rock. I was one of those who put it in there.
Buffy: What is it?
Ancient Woman: [admires the scythe] A weapon. A scythe. Forged in secrecy for one like you who... I'm sorry. What's your name?
Buffy: Buffy.
Ancient Woman: No, really. [Buffy shrugs] We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who—
Buffy: Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.
Ancient Woman: Ahh, yes, then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.
Buffy: Oh! So you're like... what are you?
Ancient Woman: Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.
Buffy: Hence, the Luxor Casino theme.
Ancient Woman: Forged there, it was put to use right here... to kill the last pure demon that walked upon the Earth. The rest were already driven under. And then there were men here, and then there were monks. And then there was a town, and now there was you. And the scythe remained hidden.
Buffy: I don't understand. How is it possible that we didn't know any of this?
Guardian: We hid, too. We had to, until now. We're the last surprise.

Guardian: One way or another, it can only mean an end is truly near.
Caleb: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part, on account of her neck snapping and all. Did she say the end is near, or here?


Buffy: [about Spike] It's different. He's different. He has a soul now... What?
Angel: That's great! Everyone's got a soul now.
Buffy: He'll make a difference.
Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having-a-soul. Before it was... all the cool new thing.
Buffy: Oh my god, are you twelve?
Angel: I'm getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.
Buffy: You're not getting the brush off. Are you just gonna come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
Angel: Aha! [points] Boyfriend!

Willow: This goes beyond anything I've ever done. It's a total loss of control, and not in a nice, wholesome, my-girlfriend-has-a-pierced-tongue kind of way.

Faith: Guy looks at me, let's just say his priorities... shift.
Robin: Why, because you're so hot?
Faith: Is what it is, yo.
Robin: Oh, please! I am so much prettier than you are. Oh, and, uh, for the record, our little encounter didn't exactly change my world.
Faith: [stops grinning] You're trippin'! That was rock 'em, sock 'em!
Robin: No, no, no, no! It was, it was nice enough, you know, and-and you're, you're very, um, um, enthused, and, I think with a little more experience, you—
Faith: Dude, I got mad skills!
Robin: Yeah, of course. Let's finish up.
Faith: [takes off her belt] Oh, hell with that! We're going again, baby. You're gonna learn a little respect here, pal.
Robin: Faith, [laughs] make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.
Faith: What would be the surprise?
Robin: You... do know the meaning of the word, right?
Faith: Fine. Deal.
Robin: Good enough. [goes back to work]
Faith: No way you're prettier than me.
Robin: Little bit, yeah.
Spike: It's there, Buffy. My soul. Stings a bit.
Spike: I think it's fair to say school's out for bloody summer.

[Spike and Buffy say their goodbyes as he burns up]

Buffy: I love you.
Spike: [Last line] No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go. I want to see how it ends. [Buffy leaves and Spike laughs as he turns to dust]

Buffy: So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. [points to Willow] This woman... is more powerful than all of them combined. [Willow whimpers] So I say we change the rule. I say my power... should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power, can stand up, will stand up. Slayers... every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?
Vi: These guys are dust.

Faith: Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.
Giles: There's another one in Cleveland. [everyone stares] Not to spoil the moment.
Xander: We saved the world.
Willow: We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.
Dawn: We'll have to find them.
Willow: We will.
Giles: Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.
Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
Xander: All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys 'R' Us... Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?
Giles: We have a lot of work ahead of us.
Faith: Can I push him in?
Willow: You've got my vote.
Faith: I just want to sleep, yo, for like a week!
Dawn: I guess we all could. If we wanted to.
Willow: Yeah! The First is scrunched, so, what do you think we should do, Buffy?
Faith: Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?
Dawn: Yeah, Buffy. What are we going to do now?
[Buffy begins to flash a happy smile]

Unknown episode

See also

External links

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Last modified on 16 July 2008, at 23:39