Clone High

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P. W. Bridgman
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Clone High was an animated series that aired for one season (November 2002 - April 2003) on MTV and Teletoon.

Spoiler warning: Plot, ending, or solution details follow.

Escape to Beer Mountain: A Rope of Sand [1.1]

Joan: Hasn't anyone here grown at all?
Gandhi: *Stares at her chest*
Joan: *Punches him in the face* You were thinking it.
Gandhi: I know...

Talking Peanut: Hi'o, Guvna's. I'd shake your hands, but, you know, peanut arms.

JFK: *popping in and out of bathroom to taunt Abe and Ghandi* I will see you there. And by will, I mean won't. HA HA HA! / Because you're not invited. I, er, wasn't sure if I was clear on that earlier. So you're not. Invited that is. / TO MY PARTY!! / Forgot to wash my hands...

Shadowy Figure: Principal Scudworth, there has been some growing concern among the board of shadowy figures that you might be... completely insane.
Scudworth: Blasphemy!

Abe: Damn it, for once, a girl is interested in me, and I'm not going to ignore it!
Joan: Abe, I want you.
Abe: Want me to what? Forgot what you were gonna say? Happens to me all the time. Well, I'm off.

JFK, on the Teen Crisis Hotline...: You know that show, "My Two Dads"? It's like that but more gay...
JFK's Dad #1, Wally: Oh, look how nice he looks in those Dockers we bought him...
JFK: Daaaad...
JFK's Dad #2, Carl: What, you're too good to be gay like your old man?!
Wally: Carl, it is not his fault....baby was born that way.

Joan: Well congratulations Abe. The people were clamouring to make asses of themselves and you gave them the means to do it.

Abe: You ever feel so nervous around someone you're afraid you might blurt out something stupid?
Joan: I have a rash on my back.

Nostradamus: I'm a pony.

Scudworth: Raise the roof! Raise it!
Mr. Butler-tron: Where are my bitches?

Van Gogh, on the Teen Crisis Hotline...: Sometimes I just turn the lights off in my room and cry...
Gandhi: I'm sorry, uh, Van Gogh, could you speak up?
Van Gogh: The only way I can cling to my sanity is that nobody knows how lonely I truly am...
Gandhi: *To crowd at party, snickering* He's sad...
Crowd: *Laughs*
Van Gogh: Hey, am I on speakerphone?
Gandhi: Hey, would Gandhi put somebody on speakerphone?
Crowd: NO!
Van Gogh: *Crying* Gandhi, how could you?
Gandhi: Hey man, Gandhi is anti-violence, not anti-comedy. *Hangs up* Woo...feels good to help people.

Mr. Butler-tron: Maybe he just thinks you don't think he doesn't want to not ruin the FRIENDSHIP.

Cleo: You know Abe, it might just be the alcohol talking.
Abe: I doubt it.

JFK: *to Ghandi* Get off my dinghy. *to girl* Not you!

JFK:She's drunk! She even kissed the talking peanut!
The Peanut: Right here on me left nut!

JFK: "Are you drunk enough to sleep with me, yet?"
[Joan kickboxes JFK]
JFK: ":Answer the question!"

JFK: "Bobby!

Sherriff: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking... besides illegal!

Sherriff: Son, if we don't enforce the drinking age, the excitement of sneaking around to get wasted might disappear forever! Do you want that on your shoulders, pal?

Election Blu-Galoo [1.2]

Cleo:All students are special at Clone High but only some are ostracized because they are special.

Cleo: This is probably the last time I'll ever use these scissors, unless a giant needs a haircut.

Joan: I'm so angry I could kiss you!
Abe: What was that?
Joan: I said I'm so angry I could...piss...glue...
Abe: I've never heard that.
Joan: It's a very common expression.

Scudworth: Your secret army of cloned historical figures is maturing according to schedule.
Shadowy Figure: I'm sorry, Dr. Scudworth, is that a scale model behind you labelled "Dr. Scudworth's Evil Plan?"
Scudworth: Say, where'd you get those fresh Pumas, Bro?
Shadowy Figure: Actually, we're sponsored by Puma. These bad boys are catalogue-only.
Scudworth: If you're implying that I plan to steal the clones away from you and use them in a clone-themed amusement park, then shame on you. By the by, could I have $2,000,000...you know, for dry erase markers and such...they've got some keen new colors like...kiwi...and mango...
Shadowy Figure: For giggles, I'm going to keep saying "no" until you turn the TV off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no—

Mr. Butlertron: Perhaps you could get Clone High a corporate sponsor; those Pumas were rather freeesh.
Scudworth: Sell out, and turn the school into an ad for some profit-hungy corporation? Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas!

Abe Lincoln: Great idea Joan!
Joan of Arc: Raaargh!
[Joan sweeps the table clear with her arm.]
Abe Lincoln: Clumsy, Joan. Reeeeal clumsy.

Campaign Video Narrator: Last year, Abe said he was fifteen. Now he claims to be sixteen. Which is it, Abe? Better keep your stories straight. He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater. But he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy eating babies.

Scudworth: So you're product is called—
X-Stream Mike: X-Stream Blue! It's a power snack!
X-Stream Erin: Stick it in your face-hole!
Scudworth: This is something you eat?
X-Stream Mike: It's really just pancake batter mixed with blue paint in a sports bottle—sick! Tight! Cyber! Awesome!
Scudworth: I see...now for allowing you to test market this product on my students, I am willing to be paid $2,000,000.
X-Stream Mike: Allow me to confer with my associates
['...To the max...I have low self-esteem...]
X-Stream Mike: We accept your offer
Scudworth: Dead presidents, Mr. B!

JFK: Ask not what your student body president can do for you, ask what you can do to your student body president's body.
Joan: There's nothing to worry about, he's just making empty promises and detailing his workout routine.
JFK: And on Friday, I do abs and legs, but not calves. As you recall, I do those, with my lats, on Wednesday!

Abe: My name is Abe Lincoln, and I'm running for student body presdient.
Some girl: I love you JFK!

Gandhi: That looks so good, what's in it?
Tyler: Great question...have a T-shirt.
Gandhi: That totally answers my question!

Gandhi: What stinks in here, man? Oh yeah, it's your campaign. You died out there. That assembly was like: this, boom, this. You're the boom.

Gandhi: They want to sponsor your campaign. And all you gotta do is abandon your values and promote their product by doing some dangerous, extreme sports-related stunts.
X-Stream Erin: Just sign this legit-ass contract!
X-Stream Mike: And totally initial article 7!
X-Stream Bob: My son won't even look me in the eye anymore!

Blueshy: Hey, let's go surf the internet!

Ghandi: Straight up man, numbers don't lie.
Anthropomorphic Four: I'm the number five!

Mr. Butler-tron: Shouldn't you be saving some of this money instead of having me gold-plated and LOWERED?
Scudworth: Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically outfitted friend. Why, I watched the first two-thirds of VH-1's M.C. Hammer: Behind the Music, and if there's one thing I learned about money, it's that it never runs out!

JFK: I thought he was a macho, womanizing stud who conquered the MOON!

JFK: Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl. [JFK opens door to Joan, in the rain] You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... WITH MY PANTS!

Abe: Right now all I can think about is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock thinking about what you did.
Joan: I was only trying to help, Abe. You don't know what you're getting into...what she's getting you into.
Abe: You don't know what you're getting into, and that's out of my friendship. And do you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it?
Joan: I guess it is.
Abe: That's where you're wrong, Joan. Because I'm going to win that election with the most dangerous campaign stunt since Dukakis jumped the snake river canyon. Goodbye, Joan...Goodbye, Joan.

JFK: I can't see, due to the glare from Mina Suvari's enormous forehead.

JFK: That is a good question, scary androgynous white guy, and I would like to reply by taking my shirt off.
Abe: My bare-chested opponent raises a good point, but he's avoiding the fact that X-Stream Blue is mad packed with all nine essential nutrimites to fortify your X-Zone.
JFK: May I respond to that.
Marilyn Manson: Yes you may.
JFK: Abe's a tot-muncher.
Abe: For my rebuttal, I would like to dramatically gesture to this death-defying skateboard ramp behind me.

Scudworth: There goes our ghetto-fabulous lifestyle.
Mr. Butlertron: Bling, bling!

Scudworth: Fine, whatever, this random dog is your new president.
Cleo: Hey Mr. President, that's a cute collar.

Marilyn Manson: *singing* The ancient pharaohs were not too bright, they say / But they made one contribution that I live by to this day / It's the food pyramid, and it's approved by the USDA / Oh, grains are the foundation, so please take my advice / have 5 to 11 servings of bread, cereal, or rice / 3 to 5 of vegetables, and 4 fruits is best / their anti-oxidants and fibre help you to digest / 3 servings of yogurt, milk, and cheese / will help your bones and subsidize the cattle industries / A body needs to grow / and growing takes proteins / That's why meat can be a tasty treat like fish or human beings / When you eat your sweets, make sure you try / to limit your servings, or you'll DIE! / Everybody! / Our bodies are a pyramid that are made of healthy foods. / So do what we say (Yeah!) / Eat right everyday (Food!) / I....Love...You. / Buy American.

A.D.D.: The last D is for disorder [1.3]

Gandhi: Check it out! I'm the guy with two French fries up his nose. Get it?
Abe: Ha ha ha! That's hilarious, Gandhi! Aw, your impressions are awesome!
Joan: Uh, spaz? Putting fries up your nose is not an impression. You actually are a guy with fries up his nose.
Gandhi: Oh, you like impressions, huh?
[Gandhi grabs Joans retainer from her mouth and puts it in his]
Gandhi: "Hi, I'm Joan of Arc and I wear a retainer!"
Abe: [cracks up] Hi, I'm Abe Lincoln, and I've never laughed so hard in my life!
Gandhi: [reaches for a high-five] Up high!
[Joan punches Gandhi]

[Cleo plasters a poster over Joan]
Cleo: Perfect! [to Joan] Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there.
JFK: I did but I didn't say anything.

Mr. B: Oh Wesley, you have A.D.D.
Gandhi: [shocked] A.D.D.? Am I...dying?
Mr. B: No, it's A.D.D. Attention-Deficit Disorder. You also have A.D.H.D., its hyperactive cousin.
Gandhi: Oh, wow. I...I need a minute to think about this.
[thinks for a moment]
Gandhi: [happily] Hey, check out this extra flappy skin on my elbow. What is that?

Gandhi: Rhythm is EVERYWHERE!

Mr. Sheepman: I'm 70 percent sure that farting noise is coming out of you

Abe: It can't be true. But then again, it rhymed. So it must be.

Gandhi: I'll take a little sugar right now.
[JFK levels Gandhi]
JFK: Show some respect. I'll take a little sugar right now.

Scudworth: YEEEUH! Is that WATER leaking out of your face?

Tom Green: Who likes cheese?

Julius Caesar: Be careful with that nail gun, Jesus.

Gandhi: I never thought the world would see Abraham Lincoln dissing Mahatma Gandhi.

Interlude: Remember the Memories

Scudworth: When life give you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons.

Joan: God won't stop talking to me. His power is in the mix!! I haven't slept for 78 hours!! [laughs manically] Oh my goodness I'm tired. [blinks out of sequence]

Tom Green: Hi everybody, I'm Ottawa's Tom Green. I live in Hollywood.
[crowd claps]
Tom Green: Thank you. So, some of you have been mean to a kid with A.D.D. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone...coffee, anyone? Huh? Sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips! It's a Ferris wheel! So I guess what I'm trying to say is...
[sees a plastic bag blow by and runs after it]
Tom Green: ...plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag!

Tom Green: Hey, you're reading my book! Touch the book. Lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book...book book book book book book book--yeah, I hadn't read it either. People with A.D.D. aren't good readers. Wanna go shave a dog?
Abe: My friend has A.D.D. And everyone treats him like some kind of leper!
Tom Green: Well, that's discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump on my parent's bed?
[Abe looks at Tom in silence]
Tom Green: Uh Ahh! Ahh! I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap, flap, flapping my albatross wings! Flap, flap, flapping my albatross wings! [jumps out of a window]

[Abe open-mouth kisses Gandhi]
Gandhi: Dude, that was not cool! Not cool! And because of that, I am only paying you $4.
Member of crowd: My discomfort with a man kissing another man is stronger than my hatred for people with A.D.D.
Paul Revere: Hey, let's all accept Gandhi and shun Abe instead.
Cleo: Wow, Abe, your brave homoerotic gesture has changed my view about A.D.D. [Abe tries to kiss her] Just don't touch me.

Film Fest: Tears of a Clone [1.4]

[during a riot]
Rioter: Flip the pool!
[Ghengis Khan overturns an entire swimming pool]
Rioter: Thank you!
[Ghengis lights it on fire]

Scudworth: Those lovable scamps! They're rioting at a college level!

Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet. But that riot was unacceptable.
Scudworth: Unacceptable?! Did you see the pool? They FLIPPED the bitch!

Scudworth: Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!
Shadowy Figure: We were thinking somewhere more...intimate. Your house, next Friday, no dairy. Please.
[transmission ends]
Scudworth: Dammit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in, like, forever!

Mr. Butlertron: Are you thinking what I am programmed to be thinking?

Gandhi: High five, racial pride!

Gandhi: Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

[while filming a student movie]
Joan: Remember, you're "Gabe." "Gabe Leencoln." Now, your motivation is that you're in love with your best friend, but you just haven't told her yet...and GO!
Ghengis Khan: Line!
Joan: [sighs] There is no line right now, you just scream and weep. And go!
Ghengis Khan: [screams and weeps maniacally]

JFK: Do you mind?! Some of us are nailing Catherine the Great here! Or should I say, "Catherine the So-So!

George Washington Carver: What is that you saaaaaaay?!

Thomas Edison: Damn coal-powered projector.

Sleep of Faith: La Rue D'Awakening [1.5]

JFK: This is a very tough time for me, without Cleo I'm a broken man. Hey, let's all go swimming in my pool, and by pool I mean bath tub, and by swimming, I mean SEX!

Joan: Here comes Abe. Pretend I said something funny.
Gandhi: Hey, you just farted! That's hilarious! ... Ow!

Doug Prepcourse: Sleep ought to be the number one thing on that list. I was in my 18 wheeler late one night, at about the sleepy hour, when I came across a cop, weaving all over the road. He was clearly too sleepy to drive. I tried to guide him off the road with my rig, but I think I over did it and sent that cop sailing off a cliff. (Laughs)
Joan: Did you kill him?
Doug Prepcourse: Kill him!? I saved his life... 'course, he's a cripple now.
Gandhi: (Pause) Hey, is that your rig? SWEET!

Gandhi: Today I've made a decision based on very poor information: I'm going to be a trucker.
Gandhi's foster mom: I'm going to hang myself.
Gandhi's foster dad: I have no son!
Gandhi's foster mom: I'm getting out the good noose.

Scangrade: Mr. B, I hardly recognized you. I see you put on some weight.

Joan: Abe, your reflexes are shot!
Abe:My reflexes are fine!
Joan: Abe, in three seconds I'm going to slap you across the face.
[Three seconds pass, and she slaps him.]

Joan: What if there had been real animals inside this box?
Abe: Yeah, Joan, I'm going to crash into a big box of animals.
[elsewhere]
Someone:"That's the last one, literally. All the Pandas in the world are on this truck.

KSLP: You're listening to KSLP- the quiet station. Monotonous jams that get inside your head and make you less alert.

Cleo: You didn't take my cat to the speech therapist?

JFK: I can stay UP all night LONG! I accentuated the UP and the LONG for what I hope are, eh, obvious reasons!
JFK: So let's get back together and BONE up on the PXJTs!
JFK: Guess what the 'P' stands for? PENIS!

Scangrade: Hello, B. That's a nice apron you're wearing. I believe Mrs. Scangrade has the same one at home.

Doug Prepcourse: Gandhi, being a trucker's not just about sleeping with random women. I mean, that's a huge part of it. But its also about making choices, multiple choices.

Gandhi: I don't know if I want a hamburger, hotdog, chili, or all of above.
Doug Prepcourse: Can you eliminate two of the options? If you can, go ahead and guess. Chances are, that's what you want.
Gandhi: It makes sense because its real.

Gandhi: You mean there's nothing on this truck but a stinking metaphor? Man, I woulda expected more audacity from such a voracious hauler of commodities.

Mr. Butler-tron: Wait! Can you answer a multiple choice question?
Scangrade: Of course! I'm SCANGRADE! I grade tests for a living.
Mr. Butlertron: Are you: a) handsome; b) smart; c) scrap metal; or d) all of the above?
Scangrade: That's easy! I'm "a" AND "b". But not "c". So I CAN'T be all of the above. You can't fill in two ovals! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Explodes)
Mr. Butler-tron: The answer was C, you fuckwad.

Cleo: Guys, I'm a modern woman who makes decisions for herself, and this decision will be based on who drives faster.

Cleo: If you both die, I'll mourn the corpse closer to the finish line.

Gandhi: I never saw him have sex with a pie... sex with a pie... sex... pie...

JFK: Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys!

Doug Prepcourse: Pun?! Heck no. I studied at Oxford. Truckers don't make puns Gandhi, they make deliveries.

Homecoming: A Shot in D'Arc [1.6]

ESPN's Chris Berman: The odd thing is, my microphone isn't even plugged in.
ESPN's Dan Patrick: That's nothing. I've been talking into my fist for the last five minutes.

JFK: Gay foster dads, can I watch Will & Grace with you?
Gay foster dad: But you usually watch SportsCenter up in your room, baby.
JFK: I've been thinking of switching channels... and I'm a little scared.
Gay foster dad: Getting into a new show can be a little uncomfortable, but once you get into the rhythm of it you'll be on your knees begging for more.

Scudworth: [to Abe] Why the long face? Genetics?

Abe: Dammit, I'm the tallest!

JFK: Hey, new captain, I just wanted to say that you should pass me the ball more because I'm always open--for anything.

Ghandi: Oh my god, this isn't a kid in a suit, it's a living thing!
[Everyone screams.]
Ghandi: Oh my god, he was genetically engineered with a zipper!
[Everyone screams.]
Ghandi: Oh my god, who's driving the van?
[Everyone screams.]
[Van stops and turns at the intersection.]

Joan: [as "John Dark"] Forget Cleo. She's a skanky ho. Why, you'd be better off with someone like...Joan of Arc!
Abe: Are you serious, John Dark? Joan of Arc?
Joan: Sure! That Joan of Arc is one tasty piece of bitch.

Mr. Butler-tron: Your friend should listen to her heart. I'm not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said your friend.

Abe: Joan, how could you lie to me?
Joan: Abe, try to understand, I...
Abe: Oh, I understand. You sold us all a bill of goods, and those goods turned out to be bad. Then you sold me up the river.
Joan: That may be, but I sent you up that river with my heart as a paddle!
Abe: But you took that paddle, and smacked me in the face, and I wear my heart on my sleeve, so when I wiped my face, I got heart all over it.
Joan: Ah-- wait, what are we talking about?

Plane Crazy: Gate Expectations [1.7]

Cleo: Well, I hate to bring up my first kiss with JFK...
Abe: Please don't.
Cleo: We were in the back of his van at the Dairy Queen, wine cooler bottles poking into our naked, writhing bodies.
Abe: Naked bodies?!

Abe: Thanks, Joan, your fake infatuation bit never fails to amuse.

Scudworth: Once I transplant these brainwave transmitters into the clones brains I will be able to see and hear everything they taste and smell.

Scudworth: G'aah, that's a lot of Adams!

Abe: Dinger!

Gandhi: G-Spot rocks the G-spot! G-Spot rocks the G-spot!
JFK: Say hello to the next Bubba Sparxx!

Gandhi: All celebrities are completely hairless. They put the eyebrows on during editing to make sure the actors make the right facial expressions.

Skunky-Poo: Try and catch me, bitch!

Scudworth: Free bacon for Scudworths? Why, I'm a Scudworth!

Krabby Kakes: You've got crabs, assface!

Scudworth: Ahh! Why Skunky?! why?!

A Room of One's Clone: Pie of the Storm [1.8]

Mr. Butler-tron: I can have complex conversations with you in two distinct intoNATIONS.

Mr. Butler-tron: Oh Wesley. At least I'm not a pompous china doll whose evil plans suck the devils ASS. That's right WESLEY. Find yourself a new best FRIEND.

Abe: Girls, girls, please! You know how I feel about conflict. I'm against it! Now, I love you both. One in a completely platonic way, the other with a fiery passion that most people know but once in a lifetime. By the way, that one's not you, Joan; it's Cleo.

Abe: Joan! You're a girl, right? Do you know how to remove a bra?
Joan of Arc: Grrr...
Abe: I mean, do you step into it like pants, or pull it over like a shirt?

Joan of Arc: [Referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?
Cleopatra: [Gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, creature trash!
Abe: Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one leg at a time.

Mr. Butler-tron: I wish I had never been born into this stupid family!

Moses: I now realize I should be more tolerant of lactose.

Abe: My 8-inch Abe has something to say. He's in my pants. Come on everybody! Let's go behind this building and I'll show him to you.

Scudworth: You killed E-Cybopooch to DEATH!

Abe: Fervently we do prawn. Prawn? That doesn't sound right. Uh...something about a scourge. No, wait, I don't even know how to spell 'scourge'. Then again, it could be 'scourge'...yes, this is definitely 'scourge'.

JFK: Holy Toledo! The girls fighting in their skivvies!

Scudworth: AAAAUGH! BEEF GRAVY!! IT'S BURNING MY FLESH!! BUT IT'S SOOO DELICIOUS!

Animatronic Abraham Lincoln: Try the churros.

Raisin the Stakes: A Rock Opera in Three Acts [1.9]

Larry Hardcore: Are you ready to say no to drugs?

Coz if you don't say no to drugs, you're gunna say yes, to regret. And believe me, I know a little something about regret. I regret the time, that I got 'high' and wrote a hit song and it made me insane amounts of coin. Coin I used to buy more drugs. And a motor boat. And a house for my mom. Plus I gave some to charity.

See, I was into everything. Weed, grass, ganja, reefer, marijuana, mary-jane.. I did it all. I even smoked pot once. I was such a waste case, I would've probably smoked..I dunno raisins if somebody told you that got ya high.


JFK: Hey! Maybe that scary lookin' hooded fella lurking in the shadows can tell us where to get some!
The Pusher: [deep, ominous voice] Yes... Come to me... Come... to me... [coughs, then in normal voice] Come to me.

Scudworth: People, raisins are a gateway fruit. Now, I'm on the fence about this: what if there was some way we could fence them from the dangers and offences of the world? How about—Oh, I dont know—a fence? And I shall exploit this organization's power to build it, as your new king, King Scudworth the Lionhearted!
Abe's foster dad: Actually we're governed by a volunteer committee thats serves—
Scudworth: —I said king!

Cleo: It's like the quote, unquote civilized world doesn't understand us and our self-importance.
Abe: Yeah, it's like, first and a half base, we should go there, just to show them.
Cleo: Did you bring protection?
[Abe displays a pair of oven mitts]

Abe: Abe's my slave name, square.

Gandhi: Geldemore! But, where's the princess?
Geldemore: Closer than you think, Gandhi. Use the Amulet.
[Gandhi uses the amulet; Geldemore becomes slightly more humanoid but is still very much unicorn-ish.]
Geldemore: It was I, all along. As a reward for your bravery and leadership, I shall thrice lay you.
Gandhi: Uhhh, that's—, that's cool. But *cough* I'm good.
Geldemore: But, but, but I shall thrice lay you.
Gandhi: Uh, I just ate, and they say you shouldn't lay thrice, uh, after eating. Uh *cough* thank you.
Geldemore: We could just do coffee first. It doesn't have to be a big deal.
Gandhi: It's just, um, I've got to be up early.
Geldemore: Oh—, Ok, alright, that's fine. I'm kinda seeing someone anyway.
Gandhi: Well, uh, thanks for the trippy adventure through my subconscious, huh. I'll call you.
Geldemore: Oh, ok, great.
Gandhi: You know, maybe we could, uh, hang out, uh, but, you know, not—
Geldemore: Sure, sometime, maybe.
Gandhi: —not lay.
Geldemore: Whatever. I'm listed, in Santa Monica.
[Inaudible]

Cleo: Love is just an abstract concept. It can't break down stuff.

Abe: Man, I look like a jack-ass in these rainbow shorts.

Larry Hardcore: I opened for the California raisins on their '89 tour. But these days the only dancing fruits kids want to see are the Backstreet Boys!

Litter Kills: Litterally [1.10]

Gandhi: You'd better warm up to these warm ups 'cause I'll gonna be wearing them all the time.
Ponce: Gandhi, you are a total original.

Sheriff: Guards, grab the petite one.

Glen the Janitor: Ponce was like a son to me... probably because he was my foster son... my DEAD foster son. (Sobs) Son, I just want you to know--
Scudworth: Oh, janitor! Some kid threw up in the hallway. Could you make with the sawdust and clean it up?
Glen: I'm... kinda delivering my son's eulogy, here.
Scudworth: Yeeeah... If you could just do it now, your son will still be dead when you get back.

Ponce: Cheer up friend, it's not your fault.
JFK: Oh my God! You're a ... gh-gh-gh-gh-gh... DEAD GUY!
Ponce: No I am not a ghost, I am part of your subconscious.
JFK: I KNEW YOU WEREN'T DEAD PONCE-O! Let's go score some chicks!
Ponce: No, you don't understand... I'm just a figment of your imagination.
JFK: Ooohhhh...YOU'RE A GENIE!!!
Ponce: I'm not a genie.
JFK: For my first wish, I want my dead friend back *closes eyes*... PONCE! YOU'RE BACK! I missed ya, buddy!
Ponce: This is so frustrating.

Ponce: I've been think a lot lately, JFK, about life and stuff.
JFK: If by life you mean sex, and by thinking you mean having, eh Poncie.
Ponce: Life is so short. I'm mean, there's no fountain of youth, Jackie boy. You got to life every day like it was your last. I want to make sure everyone know how I feel about them.
JFK: Feelings are for dames!
Ponce: You are so detached, man. I'm trying to get in touch with me, in here.
JFK: I don't know who you are, but you're not my friend Ponce. You're some kind of sissy broad.
Ponce: Calm down, Jack.
JFK: I am calm!
Ponce: I am trying to tell you something before it's too late!
JFK: It is too late, whoever you are, because the real Ponce is dead to me!
Ponce: I hate you, JFK.

Ponce: What, Joan? Is litter going to kill me?

Ponce: Cranberry-apple in my bloodstream!

Joan: You guys, pick up your trash. You guys, Ponce died from trash, you guys, and now you guys are littering. This sucks, you guys! You guys suck.

JFK: I'm a Kennedy; I'm not accustomed to tragedy!

JFK: I was in a coffin with a dead guy!

JFK: Now Mario's dead. I'm killing everyone! Why couldn't Ponce have three lives like Mario?!

Scudworth: Take your time, Gleeeeeen.
Glen: *whistling*
Scudworth: That doesn't need dusting, thank you!
Glen: You guys, do me a favour, have yourselves a great day.
Scudworth: ....ooooh, what a JACKASS! He thinks he's the hottest thing since wheels on a bucket!
Mr. Butlerton: I like him.
Scudworth: You would! ...Have you seen my secret file?
Mr. Butlerton: I'm sure it's where you left it.
Scudworth: It was that cocky janitor, Gleeeeeeeeeennnnnn. I have a system, and he comes in and he puts everything into neat little piles. Neat little piles of chaos, Mr. B! CHAOS!
Mr. Butlerton: Found it, it was in the bathroom. Next to your YM. And your BM....Wesley.
Scudworth: .........damn that janitor!!!

Snowflake Day: A Very Special Holiday Episode [1.11]

Abe: [To Cleo] I'm going to get you the best present ever!
Joan: A clamp to keep her legs shut?
Abe: No, even better than that!

Abe: Where am I going to get money to buy Cleo a good present?
Gandhi: Have a Bar Mitzvah, dude. You get mad stacks!
Abe: Sounds sweet but I think I'm going to do the Christian thing, get a job.
Gandhi: Right on! Both Will Smith and Bill Gates have jobs and they're millionaires!
Abe and Gandhi: [High five] To jobs!

[Abe drops a glass]
Napoleon: We eat our mistakes here, monsieur Abe!
Abe: But I dropped a glass!
Napoleon: Eat it! Eat it! Mangez la verre!

Abe: What a jerk! Napoleon's got some sort of a complex. I don't know what it is, but man.

Gandhi: ..Like the spork.
Abe: Vincent Spork took home a Nobel for that baby!

Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode [1.12]

Scudworth: I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!

Scudworth: You should see my car! It's a mess! I'M a mess!

Gandhi: Now that my testicles have descended, I can't wait for some serious dry humping.

JFK: Hey, you! Half Pint, Junior Mint, Pipsqueak, Tiny Tim, Yardstick, Snack Pack, Wee Fella, Brown Leprechaun!
Gandhi: Are you talking to me?

JFK: Forha suppah, I, er ah, would like a pahtee plattah!
Gandhi: For supper, I would like a party platter.

JFK: Hark! I just heard a word that starts with an "S," ends with an "S," and has a "lut" inside. [PAUSE] A "lut" of me!

Gandhi: Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!!!

Changes: The Big Prom: The Sex Romp: The Season Finale [1.13]

Scudworth: Stamos! Damn him and his jet-black hair and award-winning smile! Oh, I'm a failure! A failure! I start to dial, but I never call anyone back! You should see my car! It's a mess. I'm a mess! I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home, every time! All I want is a free sandwich. STAMOS!

Abe's foster dad: Well, foster son, over half of high school students nationwide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But they're not dating Cleo-frigging-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass!? It's built like the space shuttle! Oh this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun! But, abstinence is a good choice as well.

Abe: Do girl parts need some kind of oil or equipment like cottonballs or wooden dowels?

JFK: Hey, baby! Want a corsage? Coz I have a delicate flower for you... IN MY PANTS! [produces a bouquet of flowers from inside his pants]

Gandhi: I like my humping like I like my martinis: dry.

Cleo: Abe, it's sex o'clock. It may have sounded like I said the number six, but actually I substituted the more suggestive word: (whispers) sex.

Scangrade: There has been an error! John Stamos is your new prom king!

Stamos: Helping others is what John Stamos is all about.

    :Last lines of the series
[Joan is caught in bed with JFK in the flash freezer]
JFK: I, uh, didn't see it coming either. And by 'it,' I mean ME!
[everyone else congas into the flash freezer]
Joan: Abe, I...
[Scudworth drops Stamos by the lever and runs for the door]
Scudworth: Stamos! Now!
[Stamos pulls the lever, starting the flash freezer]
Scudworth: Everybody... [slams door] ...FREEZE!
[everyone freezes as Joan looks at Abe apologetically]
Abe: But Joan, I love... [freezes] ...J-Cle...
[To be continued...?!]

Recurring quotes

Mr. Butler-tron: Wesley.
Gandhi: Say What!?
Toots: Now, I may be blind but...

Announcer quotes

Announcer introductions

  • "Tonight, on a very special Clone High, ..."
  • "Previously, on a very special Clone High: tempers flared, robotic butlers cared, saliva was shared, and you, the audience, were moved very very deeply...trust me."
  • "Previously, on a very special Clone High: Some voted with their heads, some voted with their hearts, Cleopatra voted with her student body, and you the audience voted to be absolutely riveted!"
  • "Previously, on a very special Clone High: Joan made a declaration (Abe, I want you) and Abe found a new form of recreation. He's not gay or anything, Abe actually likes Cleo, a girl; that was just a hilarious plot twist. Hey, you miss an episode, it's your funeral. I'm talking to you, Doug."
  • "Previously, on a very special Clone High:
Abe: I'll sleep when I die!
Joan: You'll die if you don't sleep!
[JFK's car crashes]
Abe: [to Cleo] I was thinking we could "sleep" together. [both laugh]

And that was really something, but its crap compared to this very special episode of Clone High."

  • Previously on a very special Clone High: Joan got a new roommate. Abe and Cleo continued to date. And Gandhi became an inmate. Here's a paper plate.

Announcer conclusions

  • "Next week, on a very special Clone High: Abe's competition with JFK heats up at the school election; Gandhi provides some sort of comic relief; and special guest star, Marilyn Manson, makes a shocking confession..."
    • Manson: "My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'll see you next time, at Clone High."
  • "Next time, on a very special Clone High: Someone open-mouth kisses someone else; so set your VCRs for 'stunned' because you will be, oh, you will be!"
  • "Next time, on a very special Clone High: Will Abe and Joan's student films reveal their true feelings for one another? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? - I'd tell you, but I haven't seen the episode yet. They were supposed to send it to me, but there's this guy at work who totally hates me. If he gets me fired, I'm gonna kill his [dog]."
  • "Next time, on a very special Clone High: JFK and Cleo break up for reals, Joan and Cleo duke it out - lady-style, and something tragic may or may not happen."
  • "Next week, on a very special Clone High: a mysterious, male stranger comes to town, and he's brought a surprise ending with him that will shock you. Will her secret—wait! Did I just say her? Oh boy, that was the one thing I wasn't supposed to tell you. I ruin everything, like when I spoiled the Sixth Sense for my friend, Steve. He specifically asked me to not reveal the end. Stupid! Really stupid! Why do we do this live?"
  • Next time on a very special episode of CLONE HIGH. Joan gets a makeover, Ghandi gets a makeover. Principal Scudworth gets a makeover..? And Old Abe stays the same: Loveable. Maybe I'll get a wax or something.

Quotes about Clone High

  • "You can't go around The Simpsons; you have to go through them." -- Phil Lord, co-creator of Clone High
  • "Gandhi is so great that such pygmies who try to ridicule him will fail." -- Nirmala Deshpande, a follower of Gandhi, who was furious over Clone High's irreverent portrayal of Gandhi

Theme Song

Way, way back in the 1980s
Secret government employees
Dug up famous guys n' ladies
And made amusing genetic copies
Now the clones are sexy teens
Now they're gonna make it if they try
Lovin', learnin', sharin', judgin'
Time to laugh and shiver and cry'
Time to watch Clone High
Energetic and engagin'
Clone High
Our angst is entertaining'
Who am I?
Clone High

Extended Version

There's a place that you can go to
And it's never very far
Famous people you can live through
If you don't know who you are
Why there's so much to live up to
Expectations are so high
I'm not cryin', it's my contacts
There must be somethin' in my eye
You all must watch Clone High
Inspired and organic
Clone High
Possibly dramatic
Clone High
More fun than watching static
Where am I?
"Yes, Abe, I love you!"
"Shhh!"
"Where are my bitches?"
"You've changed, Abe!"
"Now I may be blind."
"Best dudes forever, Abe?"
"I'll just leave you two alone, because it looks like you're about to DO IT anyways!"
"I'm a Kennedy! I'm not accustomed to tragedy!"

External links

Wikipedia
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