Clueless

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Clueless is a 1995 film starring Alicia Silverstone which was based on the Jane Austen novel Emma. The film was written and directed by Amy Heckerling.

Sex. Clothes. Popularity. Is there a problem here?

Cher Horowitz

  • Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us.
  • Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times.
  • Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
  • Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
  • Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
  • (to step-brother Josh) So, the flannel shirt deal -- is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
  • [About Christian] He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?
  • [To Josh] Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
  • I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice.
  • So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much
  • So, okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair, ew, and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!
  • You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet!
  • Ya, he's way famous...
  • [While taking her driver's test] Oops! Should I write them a note?
  • I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'
  • Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?
  • I was just totally clueless!
  • Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
  • [Cher and Josh kiss] Well...you can guess what happens next. [Cut to a shot of a wedding.] As if! I'm only sixteen, and this is California, not Kentucky!

Dionne Davenport

  • Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.
  • Besides, the PC term is "Hymenally challenged".

Tai Fraiser

  • Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!
  • Wow, you guys talk like grownups!
  • [To Cher] You think I'm a mentally retarded airhead?
  • Cher, I don't want to do this anymore. And my buns: they don't feel nothin' like steel
  • Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive.

Christian

  • Nice pile of bricks you've got here.
  • [To Cher] Nice stems.

Mr. Wendell Hall

  • Now could all conversations please come to a halt? And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next period?

Travis

  • I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy

Dialogue

Cher Horowitz: [looks at Dionne's hat] Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
Dionne Davenport: [picks up Cher's backpack] Well, at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.
Cher Horowitz: It's faux!

Dionne Davenport: Hello! There was a stop sign.
Cher Horowitz: I totally paused.

Murray Duvall: Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
Dionne Davenport: I hate when you call me woman!
Murray Duvall: Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' around behind my back?
Dionne Davenport: Jeepin'?
Cher Horowitz: Jeepin'.
Murray Duvall: Jeepin', jeepin'.
Dionne Davenport: No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car.
Murray Duvall: I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something or others you got up here...
Dionne Davenport: Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, okay? Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna.

Dionne Davenport: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?
Cher Horowitz: Duh, it's like a famous quote.
Dionne Davenport: From where?
Cher Horowitz: Cliff's Notes.

Mr. Wendell Hall: Cher Horowitz: Two tardies.
Cher Horowitz: I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?
Mr. Wendell Hall: One was last Monday.
Cher Horowitz: Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies.
Mr. Wendell Hall: I assume you're referring to women's troubles and so, I'll let that one slide.

Mr. Wendell Hall: .... Uh, Amber, rebuttal?
Amber Mariens: Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.
Cher Horowitz: Hello! It was his fiftieth birthday!
Amber Mariens: [does "W" hand motion] Whatever! If she doesn't do her assignment, I can't do mine.

Josh Lucas: If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher Horowitz: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

Mel Horowitz: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C-plus to an A-minus?
Cher Horowitz: Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?
Mel Horowitz: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

Amber Mariens: Miss Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne Davenport: Well, there goes your social life.

Mel Horowitz: Cher, do you know what time it is?!
Cher Horowitz: Daddy, a watch doesn't exactly go with this outfit.
Mel Horowitz: Where the hell are you?
Cher Horowitz: At a party.
Mel Horowitz: Where? Kuwait?
Cher Horowitz: Is that in the Valley?

Josh Lucas: In some parts of the universe, maybe not in Contempo Casuals, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
Cher Horowitz: Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?

Cher Horowitz: Hey! You know about this stuff. I wanna do something good for humanity.
Josh Lucas: How about sterilization?

Tai Fraiser: Cher, you're a virgin?
Cher Horowitz: God, you say that like it's a bad thing.
Dionne Davenport: Besides, the PC term is "hymenally challenged".

Murray Duvall: You almost had sex with who?
Cher Horowitz: Christian.
[Murray cracks up]
Dionne Davenport: What?
Murray Duvall: Yo, look! Are you bitches blind or something? Your man Christian is a cake boy.
Dionne Davenport and Cher Horowitz: A what?
Murray Duvall: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar-Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy.... Ya know what I'm saying? He's gay.

Cher Horowitz: But, Tai, do you really think you'd be good with Josh? I mean, he's like a school nerd.
Tai Fraiser: What, am I some sort of a mentally challenged airhead?
Cher Horowitz: No! Not even! I didn't say that.
Tai Fraiser: What, I'm not good enough for Josh or something?
Cher Horowitz: I.... I just don't think you mesh well together.
Tai Fraiser: YOU don't think that WE mesh well?! Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive.
Cher Horowitz: .... That was way harsh, Tai.

Travis Birkenstock: It's one of my steps. See, I joined this club and there are these steps. [starts counting]
Cher Horowitz: 12?
Travis Birkenstock: Yeah, twelve. How did you know?
Cher Horowitz: Wild guess.

Josh Lucas: Yeah. Well, it's good learning experience, at least for me. I want to be a lawyer. But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun. Go shopping.
Cher Horowitz: Oh, you think that's all I do. That I'm just a ditz with a credit card?
Josh Lucas: No, uh, that's not what I meant. It's just.... um.... Uh, the.... You're.... young and beautiful and-
Cher Horowitz: And?
Josh Lucas: And, uh, well, what?
Cher Horowitz: You think I'm beautiful?
Josh Lucas: Mmm.... yeah. You know you're gorgeous, all right?

Cher Horowitz: Oh, she's a full on Monet.
Tai Fraiser: What's that?
Cher Horowitz: You see, it's like the painting see, from far away it's okay, but up close it's a big ol' mess.

Mel Horowitz: What did you do at school today?
Cher Horowitz: Well, I broke in my purple clogs.

Heather: It's just like Hamlet said: 'To thine own self be true.'
Cher Horowitz: Uh, no, Hamlet didn't say that.
Heather: (laughs slightly) I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Chere Horowitz: (mocks laugh) Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

Murray Duvall: Woman, lend me fi' dollas.
Dionne Davenport: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman".
Murray Duvall: Excuse me, Ms. Dionne.
Dionne Davenport: Thank you.
Murray Duvall: My street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily misogynistic undertones.
Tai Fraiser: Wow, you guys talk like grown-ups.
Cher Horowitz: Oh well, this is a really good school.

Cher Horowitz: Would you call me selfish?
Dionne Davenport: No, not to your face.

Cher Horowitz: (about Tai) Dee, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl. She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt her.
Dionne Davenport: She is to' up! Our stock would plummet.
Cher Horowitz: Dee! Don't you wanna use your popularity for a good cause?
Dionne Davenport: No.

Cher Horowitz: Tai, how old are you?
Tai Fraiser: I'll be sixteen in May.
Cher Horowitz: My birthday is in April and, as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Dionne Davenport: Do you see the distinction?
Tai Fraiser: (clearly confused) Yeah.

Mel Horowitz: I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
Cher Horowitz: I have direction.
Josh Lucas: Yeah. Towards the mall.

Josh Lucas: Hey, James Bond, this is America. We drive on the right side of the road.
Cher Horowitz: I am! You try driving in platforms!

Cher Horowitz: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
Lucy: I not a Mexican! [storms out]
Cher Horowitz: What was that about?
Josh Lucas: Lucy's from El Salvador.
Cher Horowitz: So?
Josh Lucas: That's an entirely different country.
Cher Horowitz: What does that matter?
Josh Lucas: You get angry if somebody thinks you live below Sunset.

Cher Horowitz: Hey granola breath, you've got something on your chin.
Josh Lucas: I'm growing a goatee.
Cher Horowitz: Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last person at the coffee house without chin pubes.

Mel Horowitz: Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.
Josh Lucas: I don't think so.
Mel Horowitz: Cher, doesn't he look bigger?
Cher Horowitz: His head does.

Cher Horowitz: Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?
Mel Horowitz: Tell me the problem, and we'll figure out how to argue it.
Cher Horowitz: I like this boy....
Mel Horowitz: Yes
Cher Horowitz: And he likes someone else.
Mel Horowitz:How could that be?
Cher Horowitz: I don't know, but I feel wretched!
Mel Horowitz: Well, obviously this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fellow like that.

Dionne Davenport: (screams) No! What have you done?! Oh my God! Cher, look! Look what's he done to his head! Can you believe this? Why did you do that to your head!
Murray Duvall: 'Cuz I'm keepin' it real!
Dionne Davenport: What?!
Murray Duvall: I'm keepin' it real! Ai'ight? Look at Lawrence's head?
Lawrence: It's the bomb.
Murray Duvall: You know what I'm sayin'? You look good.
Lawrence: As will you.
Dionne Davenport: What do you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you! That was a big mistake! What am I gonna do with you now?! And right before the yearbook pictures! What am I gonna tell my grandchildren?! You know what? Okay. That's it!
Murray Duvall: (mocking) That's it!
Dionne Davenport: You wanna play games?
Murray Duvall: (still mocking) You wanna play games?
Dionne Davenport: I'm calling your mother!
Murray Duvall: I'm calling your mo- what?! No, no, no! Don't call my moms!

(Elton has just tried to kiss Cher, forcing her to leave the car)
Elton: Cher! Where you going? You're only hurting yourself here, baby. Come on, you gonna walk home? Get back in the car, please! Get back in the car!
Cher Horowitz: Leave me alone!
Elton: Fine! (drives off)
Cher Horowitz: Hey, where are you going?! Ohhhh, shit.

(after a shoe knocks out Tai)
Cher Horowitz: If it's a concussion you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her a question.
Elton: (to Tai) What's seven times seven?
Cher Horowitz: Stuff she knows!

Mel Horowitz: You drink?
Christian: No, thanks, I'm cool.
Mel Horowitz: I'm not offering. I'm asking if you drink. You think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
Christian: Hey, man! The protective vibe. I dig.
Mel Horowitz: What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

Josh Lucas: You're not letting her go out like that?
Mel Horowitz: Cher, get in here!
Cher Horowitz: What's up, Daddy?
Mel Horowitz: What the hell is that?!
Cher Horowitz: A dress.
Mel Horowitiz: Says who?
Cher Horowitz: Calvin Klein.
Mel Horowitz: It looks like underwear, go upstairs and put something over it.
Cher Horowitz: Oh duh, I was just going to.
Mel Horowitz: (talking to Christian) Hey you, anything happens to my daughter I've got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt that anyone would miss you.

Christian: You like Billie Holiday?
Cher Horowitz: I love him!

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