Coupling (TV series)

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The best advice on the art of being happy is about as easy to follow as advice to be well when one is sick.
Anne Sophie Swetchine
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Coupling is a sitcom that aired on BBC from 2000 to 2004. It was written by Steven Moffat.


Series One

Flushed [1.1]

Jeff: Do you think she knows you're going to dump her?
Steve: She ought to know by now, I dumped her the last four times I've seen her.
Jeff: So what goes wrong?
Steve: We have sex.
Jeff: You have sex?
Steve: She makes me.
Jeff: How?
Steve: She suggests it.
Jeff: SHE SUGGESTS IT!?
Steve: Exactly.
Jeff: Evil!

Sally: Remember: Every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since 30 I have had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.

Susan: Sally, has it ever occurred to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?
Sally: Susan... Age brings you more to shave.

Jeff: So you dump her and then she does this "suggesting-thing?"
Steve: Yeah. You know, I'm just about to leave. I'll be thinking that I'm finally out. She just leans over, looks me in the eyes and says "I'm wearing stockings."
Jeff: Nooo...
Steve: And she has never worn them before. Not once in the entire relationship. I BEGGED!
Jeff: Yeah, but Steve, you're entitled to her stockings!
Steve: Am I?
Jeff: Yes, you're still in the zone.
Steve: The what?
Jeff: The boyfriend zone. This is the tailing-off period. You’ve still got a load of stuff in her flat. You might still have a wedding to go to together. You’re under joint headings in your friend's address books.

Steve: You are a strange and disturbing man, Jeff.

Jeff: Steve, do you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the total "can't get rid of."
Steve: Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?
Jeff: It's a technical term. It's just a harmless expression...
Steve: Hit me.
Jeff: "Unflushable!"
Steve: Turn around, Jeff; walk away!
Jeff: You know, because they keep bobbing around...
Steve: No, no, no, Jeff! GO! GO! ...Don't look back. GO!

Jane: And so my sister said, "no." So I said "yes," and then she said "no" again, so I just said "yes." But then she said "no," so I said "Yes, yes, YES!"
Steve: How does this story end, exactly?
Jane: She said I had an answer for everything. And I just said "yeeeeees!"

[Steve is about to dump Jane on the phone, but there's only the answerphone.]
Steve: Jane, hi, this is Steve. Look, there’s something I’ve been trying to say and I think by now you know what it is. So, just listen, you are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman and a man would have to be insane not to want to spend the rest of his life with you -
Answerphone: The message tape is now full. Please hang up.

Susan: I want you all to know, I mean this breast satirically.

Size Matters [1.2]

Jeff: Whoever you fantasise about now, start calling them Susan. In your case it's always Mariella Frostrup. That way you won't call out the wrong name.
Susan: [standing behind them without their knowledge] Or you could just call her God.
Jeff: Well, you could do that...

Jeff: I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

Jeff: Underneath the sexual arena of Earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.

Jane: Friendship’s more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking.

Jeff: [drunk] It must be a lot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.
Howard: And why is that?
Jeff: If you're gay, see... if you're gay, masturbation is practice. Y'know, you can have a good old practice on your own, and then later, when you're ready, when you've got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's. It's a piece of piss.... See, it's different... it's different when you're a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. Gays have their own practice kit, but you don't get any practice women. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in 'em!
Howard: That's a very good point, actually.
Sally: No it's not, it's homophobic, you stupid queer!
Jane: Hello! There's no such thing as homophobia, just people-phobia!

Sally: Patrick, what do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?
Patrick: Men?

Howard: Jane, I think there's been a misunderstanding here. This isn't a date.
Jane: Oh, Howard, there has been a misunderstanding: this is a date.

Sex, Death and Nudity [1.3]

Jane: I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt!

Patrick: You can’t prevent death with face cream.
Sally: Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do.

Patrick: What's a giggle loop?
Jeff: Don't ask! To know about the giggle loop is to become part OF the giggle loop!

Inferno [1.4]

Jeff: Oh, wouldn’t that be great... being a lesbian. All the advantages of being a man, but with less embarrassing genitals.

Steve: I don't know if she has seen the tape. And if she has seen it, what does she think? That I'm some kind of masturbating pervert?
Jeff: You are.
Patrick: We all are.
Steve: True.

Jill: [about the film Lesbian Spank Inferno] How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?
Steve: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don't like it, darling, join the film collective. Look: I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.

Jane: I'm an emotional vegetarian. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films.

Steve: Well, speaking as a man, I think you guys have got the right idea. You've got the best of both worlds.
Jill: What do you mean?
Steve: Well, you know.
Jill: No, I don't.
Steve: Well, umm... you've got four breasts!
Jill: I'm sorry? This blouse isn't particularly flattering.
Steve: No, no no no. I'm not saying you've got four at the moment. Just when you're...
Jill: What?
Steve: Well, you know.
Jill: What?
Steve: You're excited.
Jill: You think I develop extra breasts when I'm excited?
Steve: No, not so much develop. Acquire...
Jill: What in the name of God are you talking about?
Steve: Sorry, sorry. I've been totally sidetracked by the complete irrelevance of your breasts. No, no, not that you have irrelevant breasts. Uh, you've only got two, that's for sure. Unless you were some sort of cow. A very attractive cow. A prizewinning cow. But you're not a cow. You're a person. But I bet you'd be a prizewinning person if they had a sort of cattle market for women. Umm... a women market! Which, thinking about it, would be a bad thing in many ways.

Jeff: Well, what was the title of the video? Not...?
Steve: Yes.
Jeff: "Inferno"?
Steve: Yes.
Jeff: Oh no!
Patrick: No problem! I mean, you can't tell anything from a title like that.
Steve: Uhm, Patrick, "Inferno" is not the full title.
Patrick: Well, how bad could it be?
Sally: "Lesbian Spank Inferno!"

The Girl with two Breasts [1.5]

Jeff: Intellectual depths? She has learned a new language, there is a bit more to her than just the potential for nudity.

Steve: You see women as a transport for breasts!

Jeff: Rule one of playing it cool... only smile at her face.

Jeff: I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere... I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.

Jeff: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind?... Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all on the spot. Men are not people. We are disgustoids in human form!

Patrick: WOBBLE WARS! The title for the new porn film about the battling breast brains.

Patrick: A woman with two brains...
Steve: Three brains, Patrick!
Patrick: ...Oh, yeah. [touches his head] I forgot about this one!

Jeff: Women think we are normal. Like them. 'Cause we talk to them like normal people. We say "Hello", "How are you", "Haven't seen you in this place before", "What kind of music do YOU like? haha." But all the time in our brains we've got the word "breasts" on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting [high-pitched] "breasts, breasts, breasts!" [sighes] "Breaastsss..."

Steve: Well, how'd it go?
Jeff: She's leaving the country, doesn't speak English, I insulted her friend's breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.
Steve: Well, you've had worse.

The Cupboard of Patrick's Love [1.6]

Jeff: You know, when I was a kid, I used to write the word "naked" hundreds of times on a bit of paper and then rub my face in it. It's better than sex.

Sally: "Room in your cupboard for one more"? You said that?
Jane: Yeah. I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to "heal our spiritual divide," but it turns out I was just gagging for a shag. Those two are so similar!


Series Two

The Man With Two Legs [2.1]

Steve: Jeff, Jeff, I know about the giggle loop, the sock gap, the nudity buffer, and what you said to Audrey Watkins. Believe me, there is nothing you can possibly say that will surprise me. What’s gone wrong this time?
Jeff: I’ve got too many legs!

Patrick: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right?
Jeff: Yeah.
Patrick: And you haven't had sex with her?
Jeff: No.
Patrick: You see my problem?
Steve: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on Earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call conversation. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years.
Patrick: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women.
Steve: Well, do the women talk too?
Patrick: [pause] Well, they must do.

Susan: Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into?
Sally: I'm going to do that. Of course I'm going to do that.
Susan: Good.
Jane: So, when can we meet him?
Sally: When he's finished.

Jane: I've always wanted to date a gyneacologist. I want to know I'm special.

Jeff: But what about my legs, Steve? She's bound to count them eventually!

[Sally is afraid about her boyfriend Liam meeting her male friends]
Sally: What if they talk about sex?
Susan: What if?
Sally: What if Liam tells them about me? I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed. I'd have to kill them.
Susan: Alright, so you're saying you've killed every man you've been to bed with?
Jane: Ohhh! I thought they just stopped phoning.

My Dinner in Hell [2.2]

Steve: You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

[Patrick doesn't realize a sculpture of his penis was actually for a sex toy]
Steve: I think you may have been had, mate.
Jeff: And a lot more often than you realize.

Her Best Friend's Bottom [2.3]

Sally: Steve, as your girlfriend's best friend, I am, to you, a bit like Australia.
Steve: Australia?
Sally: Yes. Very distant, largely uninhabitable, and with areas of great danger.
Steve: Oh. I thought it was about having a lot of convicts.

[Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked]
Jeff: So, how was it?
Steve: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.

Sally: My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom. There must be a rule about that.
Jane: A rule just for bottoms?
Sally: You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.

Steve: Men can't have opinions about fabric.

Jeff: Steve! Sally's there!
Steve: Yes, I see her.
Jeff: With her arse!
Steve: Well it'd be quite scary if she left it at home!

Steve: What are they [cushions] for?
Store Manager: You sit on them.
Steve: Aha! I see that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I'm sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I... [he moves the cushion from the seat] oop! Move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there, it's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane: It's... you know, padding.
Steve: Oh, padding! Oh now that's interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, "Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!" You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, "In view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much!" But Susan, Sally, Jane, this... is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course - [he collapses behind the sofa and reemerges] - Daleks! You lot, trust me girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of THESE!
Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

The Melty Man Cometh [2.4]

Steve: Maybe you just don't fancy her.
Patrick: But she was naked. She could've been anyone.

Patrick: I'm not impotent, you can't call me impotent!
Sally: Well what do you call it when you stop being able to have sex?
Patrick: I don't know, a relationship!

Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again?
Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
Steve: [snaps fingers] And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her [huskily] "baby."
Jeff: You never called her "baby" before.
Steve: You've never called anyone "baby" before.
Jeff: So why did you just call her "baby"? Suddenly you're starting to blush.
Steve: Now, you're blushing and you've got an erection. No-one's got enough blood!
Jeff: The engines cut. They can't take it.
Steve: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time.
Steve: "Please God! Don't let me lose my erection!"
Jeff: [hand goes down] Pufff.
Patrick: [with terror and disbelief] How do you guys manage to have sex?
Steve: ["duh!" voice] We don't.
Jeff: I haven't had sex in years.
Steve: It's just not possible anymore.
Jeff: We are followers of the Melty Man.
Steve: And you're one of us now.

Patrick: There is no connection between my dick and my brain!

Patrick: People don't say one thing and mean another. It just doesn't happen.
Steve: People make sub-conscious slips. We all do it.
Patrick: Well, thank you Steve, but I think you'll find not everybody has a sub-conscious.
Steve: Very probably true. Okay, anyone want another drink?
Patrick: Better not, came in my penis. Been taking it to the garage, been having a lot of trouble with it lately. Just won't start.
Steve: Your car?
Patrick: ...I said "penis" there, didn't I?
Jeff: So, having a bit of car trouble, are we?
Steve: Anything you want to share with us?
Jeff: About your motoring difficulties?
Patrick: Hey, now look you guys, you two may have sub-consciouses, but let me tell you there's nothing going on in MY head.
Jeff: I'm only joking.
Steve: Just kidding, Patrick.
Patrick: Yeah, anyway, it was your fault. You started talking about traitors in the first place... penises! Not traitors, penises.

Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen.
Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing.
Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.

The Melty Man: Join me, Patrick
Patrick: Never! You killed my erection!
The Melty Man: No, Patrick, I am your erection.
Patrick: Nooooo!

Jane and the Truth Snake [2.5]

Jane: I don't like to label everything in my medicine cabinet. You'd never have any surprises.
Steve: This week's top tip from Children's Hour.

Jeff: Do you know what arses are, Patrick? Arses are the human race's favorite thing. We like them on each other, we like them on magazine covers, we even like them on babies! When it itches, we like to scratch them, when its cold, we like to warm them, and who among us, in a lonely moment hasn't reached back for a discreet fondle? When God gave us our arses he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. Cause when God made the arse he didn't say "Hey it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early." He said "Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!"

Gotcha [2.6]

Steve: Lesbians don't eat people, Susan!

Sally: Did you know that your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon, they're going to have to cut a hole in the veil!

Jeff: Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don’t you? I don’t mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. "Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going?"

Dressed [2.7]

Jane: [over the phone] Steve, I've gone to a dinner party and I'm accidentally naked!

Jeff: You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the VAA: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight back to base camp.

Patrick: [on inventing a fake marriage] What choice did I have? I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay!

Jeff: [as Steve is on the phone] What's wrong?
Steve: It's Jane. She's stuck naked in someone else's flat!
Jeff: Naked?
Steve: Completely! She's only got her coat!
Jeff: Can I speak to her? [he takes the phone] Hi Jane, it's Jeff.
Jane: [bewildered] Hi, Jeff...
Jeff: [grins, pauses, then hands the phone back to Steve] Thanks. [he walks off]
Jane: Jeff?
Steve: Um, he's just gone to the loo... might be some time.

Naked [2.8]

[In a dream]
Police officer: We're bringing in a Jeff Murdock. He kissed a woman.
Police Radio: Is she okay?
Police officer: Looks like we got there just in time. He was about to put his tongue in.

Sally: It's a scientific fact that if you say "naked" three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.

Steve: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine?
Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh?

Jeff: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place.
Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand.
Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Ohh, no! Daylight!"

The End of the Line [2.9]

Jeff: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex.
Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. It always has been legal.
Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.

Jane: Susan likes Australians?
Sally: Her greatest fear is that one day they'll all turn up on her doorstep and gridlock London.

Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
Sally: But you're Jane.
Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.

Steve: There are three things all men should know, and it's time you did too: You're never going to be famous, you're fatter than you think, and, most important of all, they don't keep wearing stockings.
Jeff: Julia always wears stockings. No, really! She's always worn them. She always will. She told me.
[Steve and Patrick chuckle]
Jeff: In fact, Julia told me she...
Steve & Patrick: [finishing with him] ... prefers wearing stockings.
Jeff: What?
Steve: Stockings aren't real, Jeff. They're a myth.
Jeff: Stockings are real. I've seen 'em.
Steve: Oh, sure there are SOME stockings out there, but there's, what, ten pairs in the whole world?
Patrick: Ten, at most.
Steve: Ten pairs for all the women in the world. They share 'em out. [Speaking in a woman's voice] Oh, Julia! Y'got a new boyfriend? Your turn with the stockings then, but we'll need them back on Tuesday. There's an anniversary in New Zealand.
Jeff: Next Tuesday?
Steve: The stockings will go, Jeff. They'll just melt away.

Patrick: Julia's pants... are they really tiny?
Jeff: You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs in one go!
Patrick: Jeff?
Jeff: Yeah?
Patrick: [dead serious] They spread.
Jeff: What?
Patrick: Pants. They spread, and grow.
Steve: Experts can determine the age of a relationship from pants spreadage alone.
Patrick: You start off with that sexy little thong...
Steve: And one day you're looking at the makings of a decent sized trampoline.
Jeff: [scared] It's not gonna be like that with me and Julia.
Steve: Jeff, Jeff. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the sofa with Julia, she'll be wearing pants large enough to cover Switzerland, and you'll discover that you're unable to make the slightest movement without her asking, [high-pitched] "Where are you going?" Every time! "Where are you going?" She won't even know she's saying it! It's- it's like you've set off a motion sensor. And then, you'll notice that your house is covered in shoes. [gets up and picks up a shoe] Shoes! Shoes everywhere! Why do they have so many shoes? Do they have extra feet we don't know about? Do they sprout rows of additional feet while we're asleep and gallop around the streets at night shouting [screeching] "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
[Jeff and Patrick stare at him]
Steve: Uh... S-sorry. Dr-drifted a bit there.

Series Three

Split [3.1]

Jeff: [in Steve's dream] Excellent!
Steve: Why do you always tun up in these dreams?
Jeff: It's a gift.

Steve: [Apologizing in Susan's dream after their breakup] I was just wrong... wrong about everything. Since you left me, I've come to see the point of cut flowers, and very small picture frames, and... and relatives. I'm thinking of owning more than one bar of soap at a time... and buying another towel. And the stands to put the toilet roll on... and a toilet roll, even when I've got a newspaper. I now realize that my Playstation... it's a complete waste of my life... and that "a lack of realistic gore" is not a sensible criticism of chess. I absolutely promise to abandon all of my disgusting sexual deviancies like... lesbian porn... Mariella Frostrup... and talking to other women. Susan... please... just take me back! [dissolves into tears]

Jeff: Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.

Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.

Susan: [Asked by Sally if she wants to talk about her break-up with Steve] Okay... you know what's really getting me mad? My boyfriend... my fiance... the man who, against all my better judgment I actually love... chatted up a woman in a bar. And on the very same day - the VERY SAME DAY - I chatted up a man. Do you see? Do you get it? I'm equally at fault. How can I ever forgive him for that? But, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because... because men - and I don't mean to generalize - are CRAP! They're the human race's only failed gender! Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realize that, were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date? That's one hell of an inducement! "No pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all humankind!" That's harrassment! But you know what? Do you know what's even more crap than men? WE are more crap than men! All those stupid books you guys had and... and these magazines! A hundred pages of "Men are useless bastards" and an article on why you should wake them up with a blow job! Am I alone on spotting the inconsistency here? And these places [beauty parlors] 'cause, for God's sake, don't let them see what we really look like! Just let them enjoy the results - don't let them see how it all happens.
Jane: You know... I went out with Steve for six years...
Susan: No, you didn't. You went out with him for four years. I checked.
Jane: Oh... well it seemed longer.
Susan: Yeah! Yeah! Of course it seemed longer. I, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century. Or possibly since last week - it's hard to keep track. Because how are you supposed to measure time with the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What would make sense? Centuries? Nanoseconds?
Sally: Eggs.

Faithless [3.2]

Steve: Look, it is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want.
Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never.

Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.
Steve: [pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.
Susan: This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.
Patrick: [on the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.
Steve: He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.
Sally: Why doesn't he know already?
Steve: Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Patrick: [on the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!

Unconditional Sex [3.3]

Susan: It's fork Wilma... or fork off.

Jeff: I have a girlfriend!
Wilma Lettings: So you keep saying, so why are you here?
Jeff: Well, I-I-I just...
Wilma Lettings: She really does exist, this girlfriend?
Jeff: Oh, oh yeah she exists. She's very much an existing person, she's got tons of existence. [beat] Well not too much existence, I don't mean she's huge or anything. She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that.

Susan: Come on Steve, tell him why he can't have sex with her.
Steve: Um...Um... [shouts] No, Jeff, it might be a trick!

Susan: I'd like to think that the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with has a better reason for staying faithful than, "It might be a trick."
Steve: Well, it wasn't the only thing! It was just like the... deterrent.
Susan: The deterrent?
Steve: Well, yeah - you know, like nuclear weaponry. I mean, nobody likes it, but it can help to keep the peace.
Susan: Steve, you've just compared our relationship to the Cold War.
Steve: Which - may I remind you - really lasted.
Susan: So the nature of the bond between us is, in fact, the threat of mutually assured destruction?
Steve: Oh, among many other things.

Jeff: I'm not bad. I've never been bad... I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness.

Remember This [3.4]

Sally: I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.

Jeff: You know jelly-wrestling... which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it... OK, well, think about this. Afterwards, after the wrestling, what happens to the jelly? Because you could sell that. That is a missed opportunity. You could bottle it and sell it... You take the women out first, obviously.

The Freckle, the Key and the Couple Who Weren't [3.5]

Jeff: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewelry.
Steve: You what?
Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.
Steve: Right?
Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewelry...
Steve: No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.
Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.
Steve: OK.
Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take it's course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewelry box.
Steve: I see.

Susan: Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.

The Girl with One Heart [3.6]

Jeff: Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."

[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it]
Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?
Steve: [slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.
[pause]
Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?
Steve: Would you mind?
Susan: You should have asked.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps [3.7]

Jeff: Porn-wise, lesbians are like a jam sandwich, without the sandwich and just the jam. Fact: lesbians are just a big blob of jam. Well, not actually. Unless they've exploded in all the lesbonic excitement.

[Susan finds Patrick with Steve in the cubicle at the fertility clinic]
Susan: Patrick, you didn't think you would get to have sex with one of the nurses, did you?
Patrick: I did.
Susan: Patrick, you really are a sad, pathetic man.
Steve: No, Susan. He did.

Susan: [meeting Steve at the fertility clinic] So...how's it going?
Steve: Well, you know. Early days.
Susan: [deadpan] Early days.
Steve: Well, how quickly do you think I can do this?
Susan: Well no offense, darling, but really quite quickly!
Steve: I've got to get in the mood!
Susan: There's a particular mood for this?
Steve: Of course there's a mood!
Susan: Well, okay, maybe I can help. [leans against the doorframe] Darling, I'm just nipping down to the shops for an hour!

Steve: Is something wrong, dear?
Susan: Is something wrong? You've asked trained medical professionals for a porn menu! You've sent out for lesbians, and a comfort pillow, and if that wasn't strange and alarming enough, Jeff!

Susan: Have you phoned Sally yet?
Patrick: No.
Susan: Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offense, I'll rip your throat out.

Steve: [about the Fertility Clinic's cubicle] It's this place. It's too wholesome. Look, it's wrong for masturbation. Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing. It's a stealth activity. You do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards. You feel guilt! It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man. I mean, look at this place! Look what the mad fools have done: it's an office suite for masturbation. There's a receptionist. There are no receptionists in masturbation. Do you realize what I'm supposed to do here? Do you understand the insanity of it? I am being asked to masturbate in a good cause. No. Susan, I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us.

Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.
Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid ass. I want you.
Patrick: For God's sakes, Sally.
Sally: What... What?
Patrick: I was talking about me!
Sally: I'm sor - You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?
Patrick: [gesturing to self] Well, yes!

Jane: I'm not pregnant! It's a miracle! I shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!

Susan: [after announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.

Series Four

Nine and a Half Minutes [4.1]

Nightlines [4.2]

Sally: Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!
Patrick: Socially?
Sally: To tea.
Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.
Susan: Don't say that!
Steve: Hormones!
Susan: Bollocks!
Patrick: Doesn't this all seem a little early?
Sally: Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.
Steve: You've already got a cat.
Sally: Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!

Steve: You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?
Patrick: Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."
Sally: She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!

Steve: Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!

Bed Time [4.3]

Circus of the Epidurals [4.4]

The Naked Living Room [4.5]

Jane: Actually I prefer videos.
Oliver: What?
Jane: I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?

Nine and a Half Months [4.6]

Patrick: Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.

Oliver: Sex is cancelled. Sorry, sex is off the menu. Sorry everyone, we were expecting a delivery about now, but we were let down. Sorry madam, can't fix your sex life today, don't have the parts... okay, forget that last one.

Sally: Did you sleep with Jane?
Patrick: Now, before I say anything that will confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!


Cast

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