Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh (born 29 May 1975) is a comedian who currently resides in Los Angeles, California. He has performed on Comedy Central Presents as well as other shows like The Late Show, The Tonight Show, and Premium Blend.

He has put out one CD called True Stories I Made Up

Completely Serious

  • How does Superman fly faster? I mean, I get that he can fly, but how does he fly faster? Does he have different settings? Is this like his one-arming-it-with-a-bitch speed? I'd like to know. I always expect some nerd to come up to after the show - "You see, when the planet exploded.." And I'll tell you what a vagina feels like.
  • I don't think God hates gays, he's just mad they found a loophole. Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Honestly, ladies, do you have to eat everything? I know you were hungry and a snake told you to do it. You keep that story up. It's cute,and we've believed it for this long. But we were punished for all mankind. What was women's punishment? Anybody know? Painful childbirth and menstruation. What was men's? We had to deal with women. I mean how mad would you be? You come with this awesome punishment, and then gay guys are like "You know what?...We're gonna just bang each other. It's gotta be better then all that 'blah blah blah blah blah, buy me this buy me that. Would you still love me if my leg was cut off?' What? No... like from the knee down-what? NO! Theres no depth to my shallowness.
  • I hope we find a cure for every major disease. I'm tired of walking 5k.
  • I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
  • When I was a kid even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street. I'd be like "Hey so I guess I'll see you later," and he's like "Whatever, queer!".
  • I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I know, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg" "Dad, I think those are drugs" "Whatever, queer!" "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Dont stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your-" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling- No, you shouldn't. That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?".... Maybe not.
  • Oh the floors lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's OK. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing - you were poor. I'll tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo" "Oh the floors lava!" "Oh my God! Whats wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street. Maybe not.
  • I don't think I could ever stab somebody. I'm really bad with a Capri Sun. *sfx: pound pound* No juicy.
  • I have voices in my head. They speak in Spanish so I have no idea what they're saying. That's irritating; I wish one of them would get a job...what? They just moved here from Spain, if you thought they were Mexican, that's because you're racist.
  • What'ya think of these faggots gettin' married? I can say that, I'm black. Here's a social experiment: figure out why the second statement softens the first.
  • Butt sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child you won't enjoy it as an adult.
  • You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture, my mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor, we don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.
  • I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
  • I don't upset Black people doing that joke - I had a white lady scream at me once. She was like "What gives you the right to do jokes about Black people like that?" I was like, "Listen lady, my best friend - my *best* friend, is Cuban, and that's close enough."
  • But if you had to eat people to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic backgrounds? You can get as uncomfortable as you want, we're gonna do this joke. Think Mexican people are spicy? Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into Jose or can you just dig in? I know, guacamole's extra! I'm doing everybody. Chinese people: Are you hungry again thirty minutes later for more? Black people: Get ready, mmm-hmm, taste like chicken. White people: You don't eat white people. I don't make the rules. That's how that joke has to end.
  • I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent 'em to Hell.
  • If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin.
  • I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance -- fake.
  • You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
  • Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.' And I know happy days are around the corner.
  • I think we should legalize marijuana in this country, so potheads have nothing to talk about ever again. You are so annoying, nobody ever sees me taking this angle, but I do.. with force. Grow up and do coke like an adult!
  • They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with "just kidding".
  • Ever have a nightmare then decide to tell somebody about it and about halfway through your explanation you realize you're retarded? Is there ANY way you can describe a nightmare to be scary? "I had a scary dream last night." Okay, tell me about it. "I was running through this pool of marshmallows in my flip-flops, right? Then the manager came running out of nowhere and HE starts going 'Mmrammramrm' and there was only 18 seconds to eject before the bowling alley closed, and, Tom, you were there but you didn't LOOK like Tom and that was freaking me out! I love cheese!" What? We're no longer friends.
  • I was watching the country music channel the other day and I fell asleep and I woke up racist. That's weird. They should put a warning on that channel. I just wanted to nap during the Dixie Chicks, now there's holes in my linens. That's right, if you listen to the Dixie Chicks you're racist; I have a pie chart that proves it.
  • One time I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist, it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
  • I hate you Google, you've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A' it's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is like, "I'll take it from here, I know exactly what you're looking up.. well, every time you hit 'A' it's "Asian ass porn." Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion.
  • When I die, which is going to be in four years. Yay! It's the only thing I can plan. I'm going to be cremated from the neck down and at my funeral when people are talking about me they have to hold my head. And then at the end they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it, I want legit sets.
  • What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin heaven". Im like, "what did you say?!?" "Welcome to fuckin heaven" "I didnt know you could swear" "fuck yeah" "well I was raised as a child never to swear" "where does it say in the bible that you can't fuckin swear?" "no fuckin where!" "alright, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin in!" "What!?!" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell, you've been punk'd" Arghhh! Damn, you Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity.
  • My life is great. It is. But my friends make it seem that is better. You know why? Coz I make it better. I'll give you an example. Next week, you know where I'm working? Hawaii. That's right. But seriously, no, I'm not going to Hawaii. Ill be in Appleton, Wisconsin. But in my mind, I'll be in Hawaii. I'll do the whole thing, I'll bring my flower shirts, pack some sunscreen. When the plane lands, I'll be saying "aloha!" to everyone. And when I get back, my friends will be like "so man, how was Hawaii?" And I'll be like, "I don't know what the big fuss is, it's really not that great." Like just last week, I took my girlfriend to Paris and she was like, "this looks like Milwaukee" and I was like "Shut up Anna Kournikova!" and she was "Stop calling me that!" and I was "That's it bitch, no one talks to the Rock that way! Do you smell what I'm cooking?!" Yeah! The weird thing was, I don't even have a girlfriend, she was just some woman on the bus. And instead of a peaceful trip to Milwaukee, she got the People's Elbow on her face coz she didn't shut her mouth and know her role.

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