Family Guy/Season 1

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Death Has a Shadow

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!

Brian: [scoots by Peter standing in the doorway] Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Lois: He's going to a stag party.
Peter: Now, Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house, and as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

Lois: ...and then there was that time at the ice cream store...
[cutaway to the ice cream store]
Peter: [holding an ice cream] Oh, butter rum's my favorite! [he licks it then collapses drunkenly onto a table]
Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[cutaway to the theater; everyone but Peter is crying]
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Oh, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks: [in movie] I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing]

Glenn: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
Peter: Right here. [drinks]
Glenn: Heh, you win!
Peter: All right, what do I win?
Glenn: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Glenn: Well actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie [urinating in a grandfather clock]: Hey man, your clock won't flush!
Peter: Heh, I feel kinda bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
Glenn: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.
Peter : Oh, gee, I never thought of it like that.

Peter: ...if she finds I got fired for drinking, she's going to blame me!
Devil Peter: Lie to her, its ok to lie to women they're not people like us.
Peter: Uhh I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?
(cutaway to traffic in heaven)
Angel Peter: Come on, you bastard I'm late for work (spills cofee on his cloak) awww now this is perfect

Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag... Oh-ho-ho-ho, I almost walked right into that one.

Mr. Weed: Peter, I am apalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!
Peter: Aw, jeez, for how long?

Lois: What the hell is the matter with you? I mean, if there's something wrong you can tell me.
Angel Peter: Hey! Sorry am I late? What did I miss?
Peter: O thank god your here what do i do?
Little Devil Peter: Tell him to keep lying he's in too deep.
Angel Peter: I dont know hey, where's the other guy?
(cutaway to traffic in heaven)
Little Angel Peter: Awwww this is unbelievable

Peter: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep." So, I'm just gonna tell a little lie. Now not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: What's that, Peter?
Peter: Nothing. Ooh, the "lost-my-job" smells great.
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, Meg, honey, could you pass the "fired-my-ass-for-negligence?"
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?!
Lois: Well, no dessert for you, young man.

Peter: Come on, you guys. I gonna buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.

[Cutaway to The Griffins all in the car at a drive-thru]

Peter: [To drive-thru speaker] Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fahJItas, please.
Drive-Thru Speaker: I beg your pardon.
Peter: Uh, 6,000 chicken fahJItas.
Brian: And a so-sorry McBiskit, please.

Stewie: [holding a box] You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES! [opens the box, revealing grenades] Now I'll offer you one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed.
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. Okay, here you go hun. [places his device on the grenades in the open box]
Stewie: Yes, well... Victory is mine! [runs off. A moment later we hear an explosion] AHH! DAMN YOU ALL!

Judge: [after a dramatic sad speech by Peter] Peter, I believe your words have touched us all... I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! [hammers podium]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Man: [bursts through the court wall] OH YEAAAAAH!! [everyone looks at him weird, and he slowly backs out of the room]

I Never Met the Dead Man

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style."]
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I- [Lois shoves the Broccoli into his mouth. Stewie then spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Peter: Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

Stewie: Forecast for tomorrow: A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people. [both laugh]
Technician: You guys, we're still on in Boston.

Chris: Dad, I was in a chatroom on America Online, and DoMe22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without T.V. for weeks!

Narrator: We now continue with Scooby Doo Murder Files.
Fred: Gee wiz gang, looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines, and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies, what mystery.
Scooby Doo: Ahroo! [jumps in Shaggy's arms]
Fred: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

Brian: Well, you just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Lois has her knitting, Chris has his videogames, Meg is learning how to drive, and me, I like the sauce. [takes a drink] Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Captain Kirk: Alright, men. This is a dangerous mission, and it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey.
Ensign Rickey: Aw, crap.

Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Chris: They have this game where you put in a dollar and win four quarters! I win every time!

[in Lois' womb]
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

(Peter is telling Lois a false story about why they lost the Cheesy Charlie's reservation)
Cheesy Charlie's Attendant: Hi, welcome to Cheesy Charlie's. HEIL HITLER!

Brian: [claps] Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Brian: Peter, face it. You're a terrible liar.
[Cutaway to Peter getting into an elevator with another man. The other man sniffs a foul odor.]
Peter: was you.

Stewie: [to the airport security guard] Hmm... The ruptured capillaries in your nose bely the clarity of your wisdom. You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next ten years IN FROZEN CARBONITE!!
[draws an advanced weapon and fires at close range, freezing the security guard solid- much like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back.]

Brian: Well, Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're going to pull a party out of your ass you might want to stand up.

Peter: [to the cult] Come on kids, let's go!
[The entire cult drops dead.]
Peter: [to Meg] I'm sorry sweetie, I guess that's another group of people who would rather fake their own death than go to a party with you.

Peter: [riding a circus elephant] Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: An elephant, and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Cult Leader:What the hell is this?
Stewie: It's a boy! [kills the cult leader with a ray gun thinking he's the man in white]

Cheesy Charlie's Attendent: We have games your children can play and win tickets for prizes.
[camera pans over to a kid in rags with some tickets]
Timmy: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Prize Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live. [he presses a button and the floor gives way underneath Timmy]

Mind Over Murder

[Lois is daydreaming while washing the dishes, Stewie throws his bottle at her.]
Stewie: Blast you woman, awake from your damnable reverie!
Lois: [sighs] Honey, I'm doing the dishes.
Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but you see I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]
Lois: Oh, you're just teething Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!
Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, alright?
Stewie: No, it's not alright! For the love of God shake me, shake me like a British nanny!

Cleveland: Oh, that's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
[Cutaway to the bar.]
Peter: Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Oh, oh, wait a second... [to his right, there are Jewish people, and to his left, Chinese people] Okay, a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, and there's this naked priest sitting there, and he- ooh, sorry, Father.
Naked Priest: No, I've heard 'em all.

Peter: I just hope he doesn't need changin'. I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time.
[Cutaway to Stewie's room, where Stewie lays on his back while Peter changes his diaper. Peter grabs the wrong bottle next to him.]
Stewie: No, no, no, you imbecile, that's not talc, that's paprika!
[Peter sprinkles the paprika between Stewie's legs.]
Stewie: Aaaaah! Take that! [shoots a stream of urine into Peter's eye]

Peter: Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
Peter: No, I hit your dad!
Bystander: Whoa, stand back, give her some air.
Peter: You mean... give him some air!
Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
Peter: Y-you mean he's going into labor! [off-screen, we hear a baby crying] Whoops!

[about his house arrest]
Peter: It could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law...
[Cutaway to Peter standing by a "No Loitering" sign; his eyes shift left and right several times.]
Peter: ...then there was that time I took a whiz in public...
[Cutaway to Peter standing in the public swimming pool; his eyes shift left and right.]
Peter: ...and that time I snuck into Wimbledon...
[Cutaway to Peter sitting in the stands of a tennis game; his eyes shift left and right as the ball goes by.]

Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens. Inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers. [he puts on some pants and drinks out of a beer bottle and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish YOU wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMNED BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! [Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]

[at the grocery store]
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey, listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons. [she is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters! [she has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter: All right that's it!

Cleveland: Oh, look at the time. I promised Loretta I was going to trim the hedges and be tender with her.

[a drunken Stewie is being carted away by Meg]
Stewie: [waving his arms like a composer] Show me the way to go home, everybody! I'm tired and I want to go to bed, just the women!

A Hero Sits Next Door

[Stewie is reading Machiavelli's The Prince]
Stewie: Oh Machiavelli, you've taught me nothing I don't already know! [he tosses the book aside and picks up another] Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War!
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies. [gathers them up and turns on the TV] Here, watch The Teletubbies.
Stewie: How DARE you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind- ooh, fuzzy! [the Teletubbies on TV giggle] God, the more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away!
Teletubbies: Again, again!
Stewie: [excitedly] Yes, yes, again, again, oh dear God please once more!
[Peter comes in and changes the channel.]
Peter: Sorry Stewie, A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham!.
Stewie: I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! [turns to Peter] Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

Peter: Hey uh, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of TV action figures: Facts of Life Transformers. Eh? Watch this transformation. [holds out a doll of a woman] Cute as a button... [presses the button; the doll inflates] Fat as a cow... [presses the button again; the doll turns into a green scorpion] Radioactive scorpion!

[Watching Wheel of Fortune. The puzzle so far says, "Go uck Yourself".]
Old Lady: Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go Tuck Yourself In."
Pat Sajak: You got it!
Chris: Well, you were close, Dad.
Peter: Yeah, I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My Hairy Aunt."

Japanese Manager: Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team, but he wishes to know what compensation you offer.
Peter: Uh... Me- me love you long time?

Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh, I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Peter: [on seeing Joe in a wheelchair for the first time] Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Meg: Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?
Chris [sing-songy]: Meg loves Kevin!
Meg: Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
Lois: Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.
Meg: Ugh, such a "mom" answer.
Lois: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a "mom" answer?
Meg: Creepy.

[Joe has been removed from his wheelchair]
Stewie: Excellent. They've detached the human component from the machine. Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go! ...Engage! ...Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. Now, on the Russian MiG it's next to the altimeter...

The Son Also Draws

Brian: Oh good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you? [Stewie mumbles in agreement] You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there too.

[watching Happy Days]
Richie Cunningham: Mom, Dad, I really like Potsie.
Marion Cunningham: Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy.
Richie Cunningham: Uh, no, Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie.
Howard Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son. You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie.
Brian [to Lois]: You have anything on that remote lower than mute?

Meg: Okay, look, Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
[Living room. Peter is on the couch. Chris walks in and jumps on his lap.]
Peter: What the hell?
Chris: Dad, the Scouts are no fun, and I... Oh, wait a minute. [kisses Peter on the cheek; Peter has a horrified look on his face]
Peter: [in shock] Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again. [does so]

Peter: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs!
Man: My, Margaret, what a sub-par ham. [Margaret looks up, shocked]
Margaret: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [the man looks up, shocked]
Man: Patty, did you know your mother is a whore? [Margaret looks up, shocked]

Brian: Uh, thanks but no thanks. I've been to New York City, it's like Prague sans the whimsy.

[about to go to New York]
Peter: Alright, you guys, we're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit 'em. [backs out of the driveway and into a neighbor's car] And, uh, neither will that guy.

Peter: Come on, Lois, all I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before.
[Cutaway to Peter and Brian in the kitchen. Peter is eating cereal.]
Peter: Oh my God, Brian! There's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says "OOOOOOOO"!
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Stewie: Stupid, greedy savages!
Lois: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say! [background fades to black] This one particular tribe has lost their way, But most Native Americans are proud hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages. [the logo for the "The More You Know" public service announcements appears over her head]
Stewie: Oh, that's funny, Mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [background fades to black] Ha, ha, Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage. [The More You Know]
Meg: Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. [background fades to black] Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? [The More You Know]
Peter: Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians. [background fades to black, then a long pause] Canada sucks.

Brian: Portrait of a Dog

Peter: C'mon, everyone, that Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start! [all of the family rushes to the television]
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room, sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: [laughs] Oh, Dad, that's your solution to everything!
[Tom becomes visibly angry and slaps Nancy out of her chair, striking her eight times. Mary runs back into the room and grabs his hand.]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: WHAT?!
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough! [Tom snaps out of it and starts to laugh. Mary and Nancy start to laugh as well.]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love you girls! [shot switches to the Griffin family, all of their mouths agape, except Stewie, who's smiling]

Stewie [to Chris]: You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one? [points to Meg, who's standing in front of the air conditioner]
Chris: That's Meg, dude. You know that.
Stewie: Meg, you vile, smelly girl. You're not to touch any of my things! Do you understand me?! Dirty, dirty girl!

Diane Simmons: Meanwhile, Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave.
Tom Tucker: I don't think you should use the word "freak," Diane. Some people might find it offensive.
[cutaway to Tom having breakfast at home]
Tom Tucker: Finish your oatmeal, son. [we see his son, whose face is upside-down]
Jake Tucker: Why bother? I'm just a freak. A freak! [knocks his bowl over and leaves]
[back on the news]
Tom Tucker: We're all a little different, Diane, each one of us.
Diane Simmons: Good point, Tom. We're certainly feeling the effects of this heat wave even in our studio. [sneeze] Freak! So, stay inside and stay cool.

[while watching Diane Simmons on the news]
Chris: I think I saw one of her nipples.
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat mister.

Stewie: I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Kolkata? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!
Lois: Please don't threaten Mommy, she's very hot.

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!

[on "Jeopardy!"]
Alex Trebek: For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: [buzzes in] Diarrhea! [audience laughs] What? Oh, oh, oh sorry, sorry... What is diarrhea?

Brian [to a dog sniffing his butt]: Do I know you?

Meg: Mmm, something smells good.
Lois: Homemade cinnamon buns, fresh from the tube. [she pokes Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy in his belly]
Poppin' Fresh: [giggles] Nothing says "I Love You" like something from- [Lois flattens him with the rolling pin] Hey, what the hell are you doing you crazy bitch-mmfmfm!

Stewie: [sarcastically] Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad. [Watches Brian walking behind the car] Quick, back up!

Stewie: Silence! Silence! That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak. Let's get a kitty!

Chris: [in tears] I stole $10 from Meg's room!
Meg: [in tears] I stole $10 from Mom's purse!
Lois: [in tears] I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years!

Brian: [licks Peter on the face] If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

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