Full House

From Quotes
If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier that other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.
Charles De Montesquieu
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Full House was a television sitcom that ran on the American ABC network from 1987 until 1995.

Contents

Season One

Our Very First Show

  • Danny: Let's go mom, your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.

Claire: The baby's sleeping like a baby.

Claire: Well, if you need me, I'm on the next plane.

Danny: Oh, thank you mom!

D.J.: Bye, grandma

Danny: Bye, mom

Stephanie: Bye.

Claire: Oh, my angels! Goodbye, sweetheart

Stephanie: Goodbye, grandma.

Claire: Bye.

DJ & Stephanie: Bye.

Danny: Bye. OK, are we gonna have fun or what? Hey, hey, hey, let's see some smiles there. Everything is gonna work out super great. Your uncle Jesse's moving in, my best friend Joey's moving in, and you know what, that means you two are going to be roommates. Is that exciting?.

Stephanie: I can wear all of DJ's clothes!

DJ: Do I have to share my room with her?

Danny: Come on, DJ, it's just like havin' a slumber party

DJ: Yeah, but with only one guest, who never leaves.

Jesse: Hey, hey, look alive, Uncle Jesse's here!

  • Jesse: Then, I happen to wander into the show "Razzle Dazzle '87", much better than "Razzle Dazzle '86" by the way, and I see this incredible show girl Vanessa right?, all eyes meet, Baboom! This lighting show of passion right?
  • Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, let's play ballerina!

Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't want to play ballerina!

Stephanie: Yes, he does.

Jesse: No, he doesn't.

Stephanie: Yes he does.

Jesse: No, he doesn't!

Stephanie: (puppy dog face) Yes, he does!

Jesse: How do you play ballerina.

Stephanie: Dance!

Jesse: Okay, that was fun.

Stephanie: You need practice, we'll do this every day.

  • Joey: Where do we put the baby?

Jesse: Where do we put the child?

Joey: Uh, the pot, over here!

Jesse: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Joey, this is a living thing you just don't stick it in the pot. Use a meat rack.

Joey: I'm an idiot!

Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle?

Joey: We're changing her diaper.

Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?

Jesse: Steph, Joey and I are busy, Joey strip her. Alright, careful you're in control, alright slide it off and...

Joey & Jesse: Ugh!

Jesse: Good thinkin' Joey, keep it fresh.

Joey: All right, hold her up, and I'll clean her off.

Jesse: Good idea, Joey, come on, Michelle, come on. You're missing! You're missing! you're missing! Alright, now gently, now gently, now gently, there we go! This is great, we should be mothers!

Joey: Oh, yeah!

Jesse: Alright, now let's dry her off, fan her.

Joey: Fan her fanny, fan her fanny. You know what babies haven't made, I would kill for this kind of service!

Stephanie: Not bad, but next time try these.

Jesse: Steph, why didn't you wait 'til now to give us the diapers?

Stephanie: Nobody asked me!

Our Very First Night

  • Jesse: Alright, you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies!

The First Day of School

  • Kimmy: I'll sit anywhere you want, as long as it's not near Arthur Wilcox.

DJ & Kimmy: Arthur Wilcox?, Ewww!

Stephanie: Who's Arthur Wilcox?

DJ & Kimmy: Ewww!

DJ: Steph, please, Kimmy and I are talking about school.

Stephanie: So am I, what if I walk into class wearing a goofy outfit, and everyone says, Stephanie Tanner?, Ewww!

DJ: Will you stop worrying, kindergarten is so easy, the only thing you have to know is the pledge of allegience.

Stephanie: The what?

DJ & Kimmy: I pledge allegience to the flag of the United States of America, and to republic for which it stands one nation under God indivisble with liberty and justice for all.

Stephanie: I'm dead meat!

  • Jesse: Kimmy, your mom's downstairs.

Kimmy: Uh-oh, I was supposed to be home 30 minutes ago.

D.J.: Set your watch 30 minutes behind!

Kimmy: I love the way your mind works!

  • Stephanie: Okay, wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegience to the flag of some states of America.

DJ: Let me tuck you in, very tight.

Stephanie: And to the public which understands, with God, and Liberty, I'm dead meat!

  • Danny: And you know what, Stephanie, for you, I've got a brand-new lunch box!

Stephanie: The Jetsons!!!

Joey: (as George Jetson) Hi, I'm home! Hi, Jane!, Hi, Elroy!, Hi, Astro! (as Astro) Ri Rorge, Rows rour rirst ray rat rork?

Danny: And, DJ, for you I've got a brand new Barbie lunch box!

Joey: I don't do Barbie!

Jesse: What a pity!

DJ: Thanks dad, but fifth-graders don't carry lunch boxes anymore.

The Return of Grandma

  • Stephanie: (after Danny, Jesse and Joey have cleaned the house) Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over?
  • Joey: Split my pants!

Danny: Can't stand my pants

Sea Cruise

Daddy's Home

  • Danny: Joey...

Joey: Shut up, punk.

Knock Yourself Out

  • Danny: (Jesse and Joey babysat an ill Michelle) She had a little cold? How do you know she had a cold?

Jesse: She had a cough and a runny nose and no fever.

Danny: She should have fluids.

Jesse & Joey: Done.

Danny: We should call the doctor.

Jesse & Joey: Done.

Danny: Really? Has she had her cough medicine?

Jesse & Joey: Done.

Danny: Oh. How about changing her diaper?

Jesse & Joey: Good night.

Jesse's Girl

Jesse: I'm just smiling away like I'm Nanny Reagan...

The Miracle of Thanksgiving

  • (repeated several times during epiode)

Joey: With the miracle (horn noises) of Thanksgiving!

  • Jesse: And after that, we'll hunt for eggs left by the Thanksgiving bunny!
  • Joey: Stuffing is over-rated...
  • D.J.: I can make mom's picture perfect pumpkin pie.

Stephanie: And I can help!

D.J.: And Grandma was gonna put me in charge of the turkey anyway so I can do that too.

Stephanie: If I help!

  • Stephanie: I hate those booster seats! They squeeze my tush!
  • Girls: Isn't this 1882 Gerard?

Joey: Gerard way, avenue, street, place, or lane?

  • Danny: We need those girls' turkey! And there is only one man who can convince these two to stay for dinner...

(Joey and Danny look at Jesse)

Jesse: I don't know, guys, it would be easier if it was one girl with a chicken on Groundhogs Day.

  • Jesse: (to Joey) Oh by the way, you have a bottle stuck on your tongue!
  • Danny: Scratch the white meat, we have dark meat and really dark meat!

Joey's Place

  • Joey: It's great to be here at fill in the blank college, home of the fighting some animal!
  • (Stephanie playing music and dancing)

Joey: Steph, I'm trying to rehearse!

Stephanie: Don't worry, you won't bother me!

  • D.J.: If you need a place to put your socks, my bike basket is all yours!

Joey: No thanks, I put my socks in the glove compartment!

  • Joey: In my pre-alcove days, I lived like a king! I had a door, four walls, and a light switch. It was Camelot!
  • Danny: Ok, when Joey comes, say, umm, the duck flies at midnight.

(Joey walks in)Stephanie: The duck, the turtle, the chicken runs at 7-11! At midnight...(Joey leaves then walks in again) The duck! The duck!

  • Jesse: I stayed up all night thinking about it...

Danny: I thougt you had a date.

Jesse: Well i stayed up all night!

  • Jesse: TCB, take care of business! LRN, leave right now! WAYG, why aren't you gone? Go!
  • Jesse: (To Michelle) Ok we'll go answer the door, but when we get back, you throw me up and blow on my tummy! You get it? Blow on my tummy?..I'll go answer the door!
  • D.J.: Can we start on some vegetables? Did I say vegetables? I must be starving!
  • Jesse: Gimme a break!

Danny: Huh?

Jesse: Don't huh me! You walk in 25 minutes late and expect sympathy? I have cleaned the house, and ran a daycare center for socially devient munchkins, and missed oprah! Drove this one to a ballet lesson, this one to a dentist, no cavities, thank you very much! Do you realize I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you get home? Huh hmm?!?

Danny: Jesse, I'm sorry!

Jesse: Sorry...Sorry doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrizini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out! But do you have the calm and curtesy to call to say you're going to be 25 minutes late? NO! I am not an animal! Oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? I'm turning into June Cleaver!

  • Stephanie: The duck flies at midnight! I got it!
  • Joey: Joey is an idiot...

The Big Three-O

  • Danny: Well anyway, I don't turn..umm...uh...

Jesse and Joey: 30!

Danny: I don't turn what you just said until 8:15.

D.J.: Dad, It's 8:20.

Danny: Oh my gosh!

  • Joey: It comes with a year's supply of calenders...one!
  • Jesse: Hey, we're talking about a car that goes from 0 to 60 in two weeks!
  • Danny: Hmm...15 of my friends' cars parked outside...

All: SURPRISE!!

  • Caroline: The last time Danny came fishing on my boat, he didn't catch a thing! So I mounted his bait!
  • D.J.: (Takes picture of Danny being happy) We'll call this the before picture.
  • D.J.: (Takes picture of Danny after seeing his ruined car) We'll call this the after picture.
  • Danny: (To Michelle) What does Mr. Car say?...You're right, he doesn't say anything, because he's dead...
  • Danny (Jesse and Joey don't know it's Danny): Give it to the other guy.

Car Salesman: (To Jesse and Joey) He went up another 100.

  • Danny: You're the yo-yos?

Jesse: Yo

Joey: Yo

  • Jesse: So what are you gonna name this car?

Danny: Please! A 30 year old man doesn't name his car! (Everyone leaves) I'll be back later, Walter.

Our Very First Promo

Sisterly Love

  • Jesse: It's still warm!

Half A Love Story

A Pox in Our House

But Seriously, Folks

Danny's Very First Date

  • Stephanie: Hello Daddy, I am Stephanie Tanner and this jar of honey is tax duckbills... Happy Birthday!

Just One of the Guys

  • Joey: I come from a long line of psychics.

Jesse: You mean psychos.

Stephanie: Gee, Joey, you didn't know all this stuff when we watched this game this morning!

  • Steve: Hey, does anyone want another pickle?

DJ: Oh, we're out of pickles!

Kimmy: I'll get you some, if there are no pickles at my house, I'll take a cab to the market. Bye, Stevie!

Steve: Alright, see you later Kammy!

DJ: That's Kimmy!

Kimmy: Hey! If it's Kammy to him, it's Kammy to me!

The Seven-Month Itch (1)

The Seven-Month Itch (2)

  • DJ: Uh, Steph... who do you think is a better singer, Alvin, Simon, or Theodore?

Stephanie: Are you serious? Everybody knows without Alvin, they're just a bunch of squirrels dressed like Don Johnson!

Michelle: (sticks out tongue) Lehhh...

Mad Money

  • Joey: Will you stop bothering me? I'm trying to make a sandwich.

Danny: Joey, let me show you how a mature, responsible adult constructs a sandwich.

Joey: Be my guest, Mr. Adult.

Danny: First, we start with a clean knife. And on the left slice, mayonnaise. Yum! And on the right slice, mustard.

Joey: Bet you're going to get another knife.

Danny: Have to. And we paint it on. Mmm. And now for the ham and cheese. And we alternate, ham, cheese, ham, cheese, so in every bite, we get an equal amount of ham and cheese.

D.J. Tanner's Day Off

Season Two

Cutting It Close

  • DJ: I can't believe you did that.

Danny: Breakfast is ready. We're having pan... (sees Jesse's hair) ...cuts

Joey: (upon seeing Jesse's new haircut) You went from Eddie Van Halen to Pee-Wee Van Herman.

Beach Boy Bingo

  • The Beach Boys: Ba ba ba... Barbara Ann.

DJ: Ba ba ba... Barbara Ann.

The Beach Boys: Oh, Barbara Ann, take my hand. Barbara Ann, you got me rock and a roll. Rock and a reel.

Stephanie: Ba ba ba ba ba ba.

Danny: I am stoked! Whatever that means.

Joey Gets Tough

  • Danny: You watch Wake Up San Francisco because it's nice, and easy. Well this morning, I had a little too much coffee, so we're gonna do it nice... and rough.

A Little Romance

  • Nick: (to Rebecca after she paid seventeen hundred dollars for Jesse in a date auction.) You know you could've had him for free.

Fogged In

  • Jesse: (after the song "The Locomtion") What are you doing?
  • DJ: The Locomotion.
  • Jesse: Where'd you get this tape?
  • DJ: It was in there!
  • Jesse: Oh no!, please tell me you didn't tape over my "Casa De Pancakes" jingle!
  • (The tape was recorded by DJ and Kimmy)
  • Tape: (at the end of the tape) Casa de Pancakes, Ole!
  • Jesse: I can't believe it! It's gone! You guys destroyed it! Now I'm gonna have to do the whole thing over again!
  • Kimmy: Not the whole thing. You still got "Casa de Pancakes, Ole!".
  • Jesse: Now, DJ, this is my room, and you have no right being in here without my permission.
  • DJ: But...
  • Jesse: I don't want to hear any buts!
  • DJ: But it was an accident..
  • Jesse: What did I just say?! Now how much is just to check a tape before you record over it?! I want you guys both get out of here before I get mad!
  • Kimmy: Before?
  • DJ: Look. I'm really sorry. It was an accident. But you don't have to worry 'cause I'm never gonna come into this room again.

Little Shop of Sweaters

  • Shop Owner: I'm going to have to call your parents.

Pal Joey

  • Young Jesse: Hey! One at a time!
  • Sheldon: There's the kid who was picking on me!
  • Miss Borland: That's it, I'm calling your parents!
  • Young Joey: But...
  • Young Danny: Wait, Miss Borland. That boy's lying, Joseph has been a perfect angel.
  • Sheldon: Tanner's the liar!
  • Miss Borland: That's not possible! Daniel Tanner's never been into trouble a day in his life. Let's you and I visit the principal, Sheldon.
  • Young Joey & Young Danny: Sheldon?
  • Sheldon: (Looking at Young Joey & Young Danny)
  • Young Joey: Thanks man, you saved my life!

Baby Love

DJ: All right!
Stephanie: All right!
DJ: All wrong! You're not gonna watch this movie with us!
Stephanie: Yes, I am! It's my house too!

Rebecca: Dustin? You would name our child Dustin?
Jesse: Yeah, you got a better name?
Rebecca: I sure do... Emily!
Jesse: No son of ours is gonna be named Emily!
Rebecca: Our daughter's name is Emily! Our son's name is Prescott.
Jesse: Prescott? You might as well name him Emily!
Rebecca: Prescott!
Jesse: Dustin!
Rebecca: Prescott!
Jesse: Dustin!
Rebecca: Prescott!
Jesse: Wait... when did we have a kid?
Rebecca: Well, we better get going, you don't want to miss your plane.

Connie: You're right, it might accidentally take off on time! Come on, Howie, wake up, it's time to go, we gotta go home!
Michelle: Howie, no go!
Danny: Howie, yes go! Howie go back home!
Michelle: Me go!
Danny: No little Kemo Sabe. No can go to Nebraska, it'd take many moons! OK, now say goodbye to Howie.
Michelle: Bye, Howie!

El Problema Grande de D.J.

  • DJ: Dad, you've got to do something. Listen to my report card. It's so unfair. (reading her grades off her report card) A, A, A, A, A ...
  • Joey: How dare they? This is an outrage.
  • Linda: Hasta luego.
  • Danny: Ah... El Pollo Loco!
  • DJ: Dad, listen to my report card it's an outrage! A-A-A-A-A-A...
  • Joey: How dare they!
  • DJ: Listen to my Spanish grade-D
  • Danny: A D in Spanish? Que pasa?
  • DJ: Huh?

I'm There For You, Babe

  • DJ: You have the brain of a paramecium.
  • Stephanie: If I have the brain of a paramecium, then you have the brain of just one mecium.
  • DJ: (to Jesse) There really is no way to beat her, is there?

Season Three

Tanner's Island

  • Jesse: I'm not trying to catch the boat. I'm trying to catch Danny. (Catches up to Danny) I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you. How does one lose a boat?
  • Danny: The rope must've slipped off the rope-thingy.
  • Jesse: The rope-thingy... Skipper?

Back To School Blues

  • Michelle: Wait for me, I go too!
  • Joey: Hold on there, you little Sesame Streaker. You don't start nursery school 'til next year.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Nerd For A Day

Granny Tanny

Star Search

  • Jesse: Joseph, you've been in toon-town for 2 days. Now, start act like a human being.

And They Call It Puppy Love

  • Michelle: Ah, nuts!

Divorce Court

  • Rebecca: (Jesse, Danny and Joey are competing against each other in a race, which Becky is filming for their show) For those of you who think you're watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.
  • DJ: I'm older.
  • Stephanie: I'm younger.
  • DJ: I'm taller.
  • Stephanie: I'm shorter.
  • DJ: I'm smarter.
  • Stephanie: I'm... not falling for that.
  • Danny: Girls, cool it. I want you both to apologize and give each other a hug right now.

Dr. Dare Rides Again

  • Pete: Goodbye, filth ball!

The Greatest Birthday on Earth

  • Michelle: Look, happy birthday to me!

Aftershocks

Joey & Stacy and... Oh, Yeah, Jesse

  • Joey: [Right after kissing Stacy] Ay chihuahua!
  • Jesse: Ay chihuahua?
  • Joey: I could've said, "Have mercy!" but it felt more like an, "Ay chihuahua!"

No More Mr. Dumb Guy

Misadventures in Baby-Sitting

  • Brian: Oh no! Not Kimmy Gobbler!

[back at the house, Danny, Steve, Jesse, Joey and Paul are still playing poker, while Steve keeps smoking his cigarette]

  • Steve: Is my cigarette bothering you?
  • Danny: Oh no, man. It's a poker game. You're supposed to stink.
  • Steve: [squishes his cigarette away] This is the last cigarette of the evening.
  • Danny: What a shame. [Steve starts smoking a cigar] Oh, here's a refreshing new smell. [Steve blows some smoke]
  • Michelle: Hi, boys. What's happening?

Lust in the Dust

Bye Bye, Birdie

  • Michelle: Hi, Dave, you're a pretty bird!
  • Miss Petrie: Ready for a story boys and girls?
  • Michelle: Come on, it's story time!
  • Aaron: Miss Petrie, Dave flew out the window, Michelle did it.
  • Miss Petrie: Well, it was just an accident, I'm sure Michelle didn't mean to do it.
  • Michelle: I'm sorry, I'm a bad girl!
  • Aaron: A very bad girl!

13 Candles

  • Stephanie: [alarm clock goes off] What time is it?
  • DJ: It's 3:47. I was born on this day at exactly 3:48.
  • Stephanie: You have an excellent memory.
  • DJ: (gets out of bed and looks at watch) 3, 2, 1, yes. (looks in mirror) I am now officially a teenager
  • Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose!
  • DJ: I gotta rest up for my party tonight. Oh, and don't forget, you're not invited
  • Stephanie: I liked you better when you were a kid
  • DJ: Well, those days are over. You are now sharing a room with a sophisticated, mature young woman. (gets into bed) I'M 13! (bouncing in bed)
  • Stephanie: (sits up) shhhhhh
  • Kimmy: DJ, what are you doing dancing with Elliott? You SHOULD be dancing with Kevin Gwin.
  • DJ: I would but Kevin didn't ask me!
  • Kimmy: Then ask HIM! It's very simple, watch. (Turns to Jake Bitterman) Hey, Bitterman, you wanna dance?
  • Jake: Sure, why not?
  • Kimmy: Maybe later, I'm busy.

Mr. Egghead

  • Michelle: (to Joey) You broke Stephanie's nose? Go to your room!

Those Better Not Be Those Days

(while having a day-dream)

  • Adult Kimmy: (Walks in) Hola, Tanneritos! (Screams in love shock)
  • Jesse: Oh my god! It's Kimmy Gibbler!
  • Adult Kimmy: Eat your heart out boys. (Smirks) Too bad you weren't nice to me when I was younger.

(after having a day-dream)

  • Jesse: That's terrible.
  • Danny: I know. Those girls living there so long.
  • Jesse: No... I mean about my hair!

Honey, I Broke The House

(when there was a car in the kitchen)

  • Michelle: There's a car in the kitchen!
  • DJ & Kimmy: WHOA BABY!!
  • DJ: There's a car in the kitchen!
  • Michelle: I told you so.
  • DJ: Michelle, do you know how Joey's car got in here?
  • Michelle: Yes, I do!
  • DJ: How?
  • Michelle: Through the window!
  • Danny: Joey, are you all right? You had us worried sick!
  • Joey: Danny, I'm fine.
  • Danny: In that case, you're in big trouble, mister!
  • Stephanie: I dru--- I dru--- I dru---
  • Rebecca: You dropped something? Did something break?

Just Say No Way

(Kevin, Paul and Sam are in the hallway, drinking beer. DJ comes by)

  • DJ: Kevin.
  • Kevin: Hey, DJ.
  • DJ: What are you doing out here?
  • Kevin: Just hanging out.
  • Paul: The dance was lame, so we started our own party. (DJ sees Kevin holding a beer can)
  • DJ: (shocked) You're drinking beer!
  • Kevin: Yeah. Tastes horrible. Want some?
  • DJ: No, I don't want some. You guys aren't supposed to be drinking beer.
  • Paul: (while shaking the can) Big deal! We're just having some fun. Try it! (he sprays DJ with it)
  • DJ: (gasps that Paul sprayed the beer at her) Cut it out!
  • Kevin: (furious at Paul) You didn't have to do that! (to DJ) I'm sorry, DJ. I'll go get some paper towels. (he goes to the bathroom)
  • DJ: Why don't you guys just get out of here?
  • Paul: You are so uncool!
  • DJ: Oh, and you think you're cool? (she takes his beer and tells them this, while Jesse sneaks behind the doors) "The dance was lame, now we're having a party."
  • Paul: Forget it, DJ. We don't want any beer.
  • Sam: Yeah, we're only 13. (they run away. Jesse walks up to DJ and is not happy at this)
  • Jesse: DJ Tanner!
  • DJ: Uncle Jesse.
  • Jesse: You're in big, big trouble, young lady. (DJ sighs)

Three Men and Another Baby

  • Jesse: (about the baby they're watching) You see cute, I see smelly diapers.

Fraternity Reunion

(after the TV fell off the banister)

  • Danny: What? Why? How? Who?!

  • Michelle: Daddy's a girl.
  • Stephanie: No, he's a woman.
  • Kimmy: An ugly woman.

Our Very First Telethon

  • Danny: I close my eyes for two seconds and it's a Kimmy Gibbler telethon.
  • Joey: Danny, you've been out for four hours.
  • Danny: (checks his watch) Four hours. Why didn't anyone wake me? Oh no, I'm ruined, I ruined the telethon, my career is over...
  • Rebecca: Danny, we're still on the air.
  • Danny: (to camera) That concludes the dramatic portion of our show

Season Four

Greek Week

  • DJ: Oh Mylanta.
  • Iorgos: He gives her the flowers, they dance around the table and... that's what it's all about!
  • Danny: That's not a wedding. That's the hokey pokey!

Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor

  • Michelle: Can I watch Arsenio?
  • Danny: What do you think?
  • Michelle: I think it's time for bed.
  • Danny: That's right. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.
  • Michelle: Daddy, am I still your little princess?
  • Danny: Oh, you got it, dude.
  • Danny: (after reading Dr. Suess, Michelle is refusing to go to sleep) Don't shake your head. Your story's read. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.
  • Jesse: Danny, you really gotta lay off the Suess.

Good News, Bad News

[after catching Danny dancing disco to "Shake Your Booty" in his old platform shoes]

  • Jesse: Now I know why disco died.
  • Jesse: (reading from newspaper) Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed JERSEY KATSOPOLIS?
  • Danny: Jersey Katsopolis. Sounds like a Greek cow.

A Pinch For A Pinch

  • Michelle: Uncle Jesse, Aaron stole my camel!
  • Jesse: That's not right, take his cookie. If somebody does this to you, do it back.
  • Aaron: Hey, you stole my elephant!
  • Michelle: It's in my tummy now. He, he, he!
  • Danny: Michelle is getting an academic foundation that's going to carry her through grades K through 12, through college, through Harvard law school. Jess, you have robbed our nation of one of the finest legal minds the supreme court has ever known.
  • Michelle: I gotta go potty.

Viva Las Joey

  • Michelle: (When Joey was going to open for Wayne Newton in Las Vegas) Joey's opening a Fig Newton in Vegas!

Shape Up

Michelle: [When the family has arrived at the gym to work out and Jesse was holding Michelle, to a bodybuilder] Hey, mister, you are very lumpy.

Happy New Year

  • Danny: All right, DJ, see you next year.

Stephanie Gets Framed

  • Michelle: (after meeting Steve Urkel) Why you talk like a Mickey Mouse?
  • Steve: That's 'cause I was born in Chicago.
  • Jesse: Steve... Steve, Steve-o. I can't help but notice that you walk like you still have the hanger in your shirt.
  • Steve: Oh, well, thank you.
  • Jesse: You're welcome. Steve, I'd like to help you because, uh, quite frankly, you need help. See, when you're walking, you gotta kinda be loose, man, like let it be cool. (starts to slowly bounce) That's it. Loosen up, be very fluid. Be very fluid-y. That's it! Now... once you get it going, you shift the weight and you go. (starts walking) And it's a strut, and it's cool, and it's a strut, and it's cool. See? Like that?
  • Steve: Very inspiring. (tries to walk, but instead of a strut, he walks sidways on his toes bouncing highly)
  • Jesse: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's close.
  • Steve: Really? Well, oh. Well, that was a walk on the wild side. But, you should ty it with your elbows out. It's much better for circulation.
  • Jesse: Oh, really? Like this? (sticks elbow out)
  • Steve: Yeah. (Jesse starts to walk) You're doing fine!
  • Jesse: You, know? I do feel the blood flowing better.
  • Steve: Yeah.
  • Jesse: It's very - WHAT AM I DOING?
  • Steve: Well, here's another fun way to kill time. Let's share a life story. I'll go first. I was born on a cold night in Chicago, 1976, the year of America's bicenntinal. My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was charging through! And -
  • Jesse: Uh, I think I hear the girls in the kitchen. Why, don't you just go and... yeah. Right in the kitchen area.

A Fish Called Martin

  • DJ: (getting ready to square dance) I hate to get technical but we formed a triangle.
  • Rebecca: It will be much more square when my parents get here.
  • Jesse: You ain't kidding.
  • Rebecca: What?
  • Jesse: Oh, I said... I'll do your bidding.
  • Rebecca: That's all I ask.

The Wedding (2)

  • Stephanie: The Making of a Wedding, the saga continues. The groom is now 25 minutes late, and here's the man who let him jump out of a plane on his wedding day, Joey Gladstone. Joey, how do you feel right now?
  • Joey: Sad, hurt, angry, bitter, scared, used, and I'm pretty hungry. I forgot to eat breakfast.
  • Stephanie: Poor Joey, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And here's Becky with her loving family. Any words for Uncle Jesse?
  • Rebecca: Darling, I just hope you are alright. But if you are alright, I'll kill you.
  • Michelle: (being the flower girl) Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding!
  • Danny: What's wrong?
  • Michelle: I ran out of flowers, I’m sorry! (starts picking them up)

Season Five

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?

  • Michelle: (Walking down stairs and sees bags of chips Jesse got Becky) Wow! A million bagillion chips and no one in the kitchen?
  • Michelle: (Runs to the table and tries to open bag) Aw nuts. Child-proof.

Happy Birthday Babies (2)

  • Michelle: Is it almost time for my party?
  • Becky: You're still two and a half hours still.
  • Michelle: How long is that?
  • Jesse: 2 Sesame Streets and a Mister Rogers.
  • Michelle: Wow. Turning five is going to take forever.

Crushed

  • Danny: Am I the raddest. baddest dad a kid ever had?
  • DJ: Right up until you said that.

Spellbound

  • Joey: Listen up human dictionary! Stephanie Tanner is going to tear you from vowel to vowel and eat your consonants for lunch! Grrr!

The Devil Made Me Do It

  • Stephanie: Kimmy, you're so dumb you don't even know how dumb you are.
  • Kimmy: Of course I know how dumb I am!

Girls Will Be Boys

  • Aaron: Let's play superhero.
  • Teddy: I'll be Batman!
  • Aaron: I'll be Superman!
  • Michelle: I'll be the Little Mermaid.
  • Aaron: That's not a superhero. That's a fish.
  • Rebecca: How about if Michelle is Wonder Woman?
  • Aaron: That's impossible. She doesn't have black hair.
  • Rebecca: What was I thinking?
  • Teddy: You can be Superman's mother.
  • Michelle: What does Superman's mother do?
  • Teddy: She lays out Superman's pajamas.

Captain Video (1)

(Two of the Beach Boys visit; Jesse enters with his hair wrapped in cellophane for dying)

  • Jesse: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, the Beach Boys!
  • Mike: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, Miss Clairol!
  • Jesse: Dr. Love, how ya doin'? Bruce, how ya doin'? Heh heh, I've got my hair in a... heh heh, heh heh... (aside to becky annoyed) Thanks for the warning.
  • Rebecca: Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be dying your hair - why are you dying your hair?
  • Jesse: Because I'm worth it.

Season Six

Come Fly With Me

  • Flight Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 40, we should be arriving at our destination... Auckland, New Zealand, in 14 hours.
  • Stephanie: Auckland, New Zealand?
  • Michelle: 14 hours?
  • Stephanie & Michelle: Aaah!!

The Long Goodbye

  • Mrs. Knotts: Michelle, very good printing, but is there something missing from your letter I's?
  • Michelle: I save the dots for last!
  • Mrs. Knotts: I do too!
  • Michelle: Teddy, wanna dot my I's?
  • Teddy: Oooh! That's my favorite thing!
  • Michelle: Wait a minute, first the secret, then the dots.
  • Mrs. Knotts: Boys and girls if you thought dotting I's was fun, you're gonna love, crossing T's!
  • Denise: Excuse me!
  • Mrs. Knotts: Everyone, say hello to Denise!
  • Kids: Hello, Denise!
  • Mrs. Knotts: She's joining us from Mrs. Harris's class! (To Denise) Denise, why don't you take that empty seat there next to Michelle!
  • Denise: Hi, Michelle!
  • Michelle: Hi!
  • Denise: Do you wanna trade lunches?
  • Michelle: No thank you.
  • Denise: I've got a bologna sandwich!
  • Michelle: I have tuna, I don't think that goes with bologna!
  • Denise: I've got potato chips!
  • Michelle: What kind?
  • Denise: Sour cream and onion!
  • Michelle: Really!
  • Denise: Sure! Why would lie about potato chips?
  • Michelle: Sour cream and onion is my favorite!
  • Denise: Me too!
  • Michelle: The taste stays on the tongue for a really long time!
  • Denise: Yeah, sometimes when my mommy kisses me, she says, "Ew! What have you been eating!"
  • Mrs. Knotts: Shh!
  • Denise & Michelle: Shh!
  • Michelle: I'm making T's wanna cross mine?
  • Denise: Cool!

The Play's The Thing

  • Derek (as Blake McIver Ewing): Uh, excuse me, I didn't have a chance to try out bitch

A Very Tanner Christmas

  • Rebecca: Jesse, this is not snow, this is gunk, from a can!
  • Kimmy: (attempting to get some mistletoe kisses) Come on, don't be shy.
  • Comet: (Comes running in and starts licking Kimmy)
  • Kimmy: Miles, you animal.

The House Meets The Mouse (1)

  • DJ: Stephanie, she's just a little kid.
  • Stephanie Yeah, and Chuckie was just a doll.

The House Meets The Mouse (2)

  • Danny: Sounds like you were trying to be the boss.
  • Michelle: The princess is the boss.
  • Danny: Bruce Springsteen is the boss.

Season Seven

Kissing Cousins

A Date With Fate

A House Divided

Season Eight

On The Road Again

Breaking Away

Michelle Rides Again (part one)

Michelle Rides Again (part two)

Catch phrases

Jesse: Have mercy!
Jesse: ... huh!
Jesse: Watch the hair, ha? (Often replaced with some other object)
Danny: Give me a hug!
Danny: Oh my god!
Joey: ag-g-g-g ag-g-g-g, wowh! (from Popeye)
Joey: Cut-it-out! (accompanied by hand motions)
D.J.: Oh Mylanta!
D.J.: ThankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!
D.J.: You little nerdbomber!
D.J.: Whoa, baby!
Stephanie: How rude!
Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose!
Michelle: Aw, nuts!
Michelle: Don't worry, be happy!
Michelle: I'm coming (3x), I'm Here.
Michelle: No way, José!
Michelle: Oh, puh-leaze!
Michelle: What a rip-off!
Michelle: Whoa, baby!
Michelle: You got a bad attitude!
Michelle: You got it, dude! (with thumb up)
Michelle: You're in big trouble, mister!
Kimmy: ¡Hola, Tanneritos!
Nicky and Alex: Double ...!
Nicky and Alex: Shame on you!
Nicky and Alex: Yeah, right!
Duane: Whatever...