- Don't do anything crazy, Carl. No job, no protein shake money.
- Mom, why you have a "2pac lives" bumper sticker on your car is none of my business.
- Oh, Qué La, mom.
- A quarterback with straight "A"s who drives his disabled brother around in a van. Can't she do better Angie?
- Angie...(in high-pitched voice, while patting his chest) I got this!
- Great news, I didn't kill anybody!
- (to Benny) Hey, bat, eyes on the road, wings on the wheel!
- We deal with things the Lopez way!
- He's dealing with it the Lopez way!
- I've never been to counseling, and I saw my mom stab a Repo Man.
- These aren't my friends, and none of them is fine.
- I can't ever do nothing in this house!
- Why does everything happen to us? Are we cursed? Did you cut off a voodoo priest's head in traffic?
- We don't hit our kids, Benny. We threaten to send them to your house.
- You sent them to the house of the woman who's responsible for everything that's wrong with you?
- Smoke or talk to Angie? Well, both shorten my life...but the tax on these things help pay for public schools. (Takes out a cigarette) This one's for the kids.
- I'm not in there. I never shower when Max is home. Not since I found him in the hamper.
- Benny: You can't make us stop smoking. I know my rights.
George: Of course you do. They've been read to you every New Year's Eve since I was 7.
- Angie: What did you say to convince her to quit?
George: The same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day Card. "You're old, and you better not lose your job, because ¿Sabes Qué?, I'm not taking care of your ass. Warmest regards, your son, George.
- Angie: Daddy, why are you still wearing your scrubs?
Vic: Oh, I didn't have time to change before I left the hospital and...
George: He wears them to the grocery store so he can meet women. (imitating Vic) "I need 200 c.c.s of Macaroni Salad, stat. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was still at the hospital saving lives, and making mad stacks of cash."
- George Mom, what do you think about a teenage girl wearing a thong?
Benny Well, I used to think it was pretty trashy, but Randy likes it and it pretty damn comfterble!
- Max: There's even racism in my school. I'm pretty sure I'm getting a "D" in math because my teacher hates latinos.
Angie: Max, 50% of your class is latino.
Max: No way. There are, like, 30 kids, and only 15 are latino.
Angie: Oh god.
George: You're not helping the cause! Now, I want you to go up to your room, and don't come back down for 50% of an hour. (to Angie) You know we're gonna have to go up there and get him, right?
- Max: Do I want to hear this, or should I leave now so I can pass the Lie Detector test later?
George: No, you can stay. If it has "test" in the name, you're probably not gonna pass it anyway.
- (George runs from behind a tree dressed as Santa)
George: I'm real! (pushes Kenny into the bushes and runs off)
George: Ho ho ho!
(Gets in Ernie's car)
George: Punch it, Rudolph!
Ernie: I'm an elf!
- George: Max, your grandma stood up for something she believed in. Was it a for Rosa Parks to sit where she wanted on the bus? Was it a crime for Cesar Chavez to protest in the fields? Was it a crime for President Nixon to sneak in the hotel and watch "Deep Throat"?
Angie: George! That's not what happened.
George: I'm pretty sure it was Nixon at the Watercrest Motel.
- Angie: What happened to those cute little poems you used to write about death and despair?
Carmen: I'm still writing.(points to ceiling)
George: I'm pretty sure we can have her committed for this.
- Taylor: He's not my boyfriend. If he was my boyfriend, I'd know his name.
George: Oh, Que la.
- Angie: (about Benny) What if she has a nervous breakdown or something? Who's gonna take care of her then?
George: The church. She's small enough. We'll put her in a basket...leave her on the doorstep, ring the bell and vámanos! Ding-dong ditch.
- Max: Dad, Veronica's hogging the bathroom again. She's in there drying her hair and she won't let me in.
George: Do you really need to use the bathroom, or are you just trying to sneak in there and peek at your cousin blow-drying her hair again?
Max: Dad, if I really wanted to spy on her, I'd lean a ladder against the tree and use the periscope I built in shop class. So thank you for not trusting me.
- Benny: (about Jason) Wow.
Benny: If I was 35 years younger, he would have been your daddy, George.
- Carmen: (answers phone) Jason?
George: Yes, it's Jason. Listen you talk on the phone too much. I don't love you anymore, get your mother!
- George: I got Max everything on his list to Santa.
George: Well, everything except the monkey. We can just lock my mom in the yard, throw some bananas out there and watch her through the glass.
- Angie: When did you start having your period?
Carmen: I don't know, what's the date on the note?
- George: I'm sorry mom, but I have to do what's best for the company!
Benny: What's best for the company? I'm your mother! Was the company there when you won your little league trophy!?
George: Mom, you weren't even there! You dropped me off at the curb!
- George: Max, do you remember when you got in trouble for spying on your sister?
Max: Yeah, you said it was wrong.
George: Well son, as you get older you're going to find out that the line between right and wrong is going to move around alot. Go spy on your sister.
Max: What should I look for?
George: If they do anything bad like, swearing or stealing, or anything that makes you feel happy in a way you don't understand.
- George: I've said it before, but this time I mean it. I am gonna kill Carmen!
Angie: I'm so tired of you not including me in the parenting. WE are gonna kill Carmen!
George: So we'll have one kid left.
Angie: Max is a good boy. He'll be our future.
- Vic:(about wearing a nicotine patch) Benny, you can't wear three patches! It'll make you sick!
Benny: I know that, you idiot! This one is so I don't get knocked up!
George: Now all you have to do is find a guy with a patch over each eye.
- Carmen: I can't believe you! You're the worst dad ever!
George: How can I be the worst dad ever? There's Macaulay Culkin's dad, and O.J.'s still out there.
- Angie: Why don't we open these to see how our love has grown.
Benny: Or dried up and died.
- Dr. Lispy: You can't put a price on a family member.
George: It depends. My son...5 grand. My daughter....$2,200. My mom, free if you tow her away.
- Benny: (about Carmen's new boyfriend) Two cute boyfriends in a row! Maybe I should start wearing my jeans lower.
George: Look mom, it's all of America calling to ask you not to.
- Benny: Should I smoke, or talk to Angie? Both reduce my life expectancy, but the taxes on these babies (points to cigarettes) help pay for public schools. (Pulls out a cigarette) This one's for the kids!