Happiness is good health and a bad memory.Ingrid Bergman
- It's funny how all of this has worked out—I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.
- When I was emceeing Win Ben Stein's Money, I actually fell asleep during the show a few times. I would sit on the safe over to the side and just sort of doze off. But that was probably a combination of the narcolepsy and Ben's voice.
- If you want to live in America, don't sneak over the borders. Do it the right way: get adopted by Angelina Jolie.
- My apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time.
- Considers David Letterman the greatest talk show host of all time.