The sooner you make your first five thousand mistakes the sooner you will be able to correct them.Kimon Nicolaides
- Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it's the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I'm a fucking inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! "He hollowed out a penis and put it on." What the fuck?!
- You know what? I know this isn't you talking, it's your hormones, but I would just like to say, "Fuck you, hormones! You are a crazy bitch, hormones!" Not Alison, hormones. Fuck 'em. It's a girl, buy some pink shit.
- Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
- You don't know who Doc Brown is? He invented the DeLorean.
- You are a funny motherfucker man. Jesus, how can you fight with him? Look at his face, I just want to kiss it.
- If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."
- It cures everything. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just got high. It still clicks, but it's cool.
- Steely Dan can gargle my balls.
- I will fuck my bong. Doggy-style, for once. (gives Alison the middle finger as he walks out of the OB/GYN office)
- (with a gas mask with an attached bong to his face) I am your stoner!
- That my friend, is how you get pink eye.
- (In Alison's bed) Fuck off, Martin!
- I'll see you later. (to Alison at the first bar encounter) No I won't, 'cause I'm a pussy.
- It's a girl, Buy some pink shit!
- Nice. You are such an asshole. You know what? Go--go fuck your fucking bong!
- You haven't had to sacrifice anything! I've had to sacrifice my job, my body, my youth, my vagina.
- You can't buy shit! You can barely buy spaghetti!
- Do not make fun of me, okay? I am hormonal, I am terrified, and I'm falling apart so stop treating everything like it's a big joke!
- "Great, give me that line".
- Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fucking rock this shit!
- I farted on Jason's pillow, he farted on Jonah's thinking it was mine, and eventually pink-eyed my pillow. I'm not proud of any of this.
- I always aim right.
- (After Jay has announced that he has shaved his pubic area) What the fuck, man?! If I go in there and see fucking pubes sprinkled all over the toilet seat, I'm gonna fucking lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fucking stuffed animal!
- Don't masturbate with a noose. If you do, use a spotter or a teammate.
- I'm going to murderball you!
- Hey, Jay, do you use that Canadian leaf tattoo as like a cum target? How many points do you get for hitting the stem, like a million?
- I went where I went Jason!
- Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
- How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
- See ya... Scorcese on coke
- I could smoke weed, every second, of everyday.
- She like'a da way ya dick taste.
- I'm not having SHIT right now besides a fucking panic attack!
- It's the baseball draft honey, I got Matsui!
- There are FIVE different kinds of chairs in this hotel room.
- You look like Babe Ruth's older gay brother. Gay-be Ruth.
- You look like a cholo dressed up on Easter.
- [quoting ‘Back to the Future’] Where we're going we don't need roads.
- Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
- I think it's Matisyahu.
- Oh God, they go apeshit over bubbles. I mean, that’s an incredible thing about a child. What’s so great about bubbles? I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles. It’s totally sad; their smiling faces point out your inability to enjoy anything.
- I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88.
- He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
- [on subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!
- [sobbing and thinking about the babysitter] She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!
- [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other?!
- Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
- [to Pete when they look at a sex offender registry website] So I'm the bad guy because I care about protecting our kids from child molesters and mercury? And you're cool because you don't give a shit?
- [looking at the fleshofthestars website] He misspelled "coming"... Oh, that's gross!
- You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.
- Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.
- (On Jonah's claim to have attended Yale) You went to Santa Monica Community College.
- (On his chicken pox) Dude, it's not herpes if it's everywhere.
- Thanks for the free money, bitch.
- Fuck me in the beard.
- No pink eye for me. I'm just really high!
- I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.
- I know. You’re right. I'm so sorry. I fuckin' hate this job. I don't wanna be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
- You old, she pregnant...can't have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.
Fantasy Baseball Guy
- Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.
- Debbie: We have to help them raise the baby.
- Pete: Well...fuck!!
- Debbie: Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
- Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
- Debbie: These are sex offenders. They live in our neighborhood.
- Pete: Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin' rope?
- Debbie: If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.
- Debbie: (crying) I like Spiderman!
- Pete: Okay, then let's go see Spiderman 3 next week.
- Debbie: I don't wanna see Spiderman! I don't want to have to ask you to ask me! I want you to think of it yourself!
- Pete: Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.
- Debbie: You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean?! This is mean!
- Ben: (After being waken, naked, in Alison's bed) Did we have sex?
- Alison: Yeah.
- Ben: Nice.
- Ben:I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a, like a dental dam, or one of those fuckin' butterfly clips or something--
- Alison: What? What the hell is a dental dam?
- Ben: It's like saran wrap, it's disgusting, but I thought you had one!
- Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
- Jason: I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.
- Ben: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
- Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
- Martin: I think he's using the dice move a bit too much.
- Jay: I think that's pretty much all he's got.
- Debbie: Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and fuck each other?
- Pete: Who needs a time machine?
- Ben: [Holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine man.
- Pete: I'm gonna throw you into my De Lorean, gun it to 88!
- Alison: I'm pregnant.
- Ben: Fuck off!
- Alison: What?
- Ben: What?
- Alison: I'm pregnant.
- Ben: Pregnant... with emotion?
- Alison: Pregnant with a baby.
- Ben: Do you want to do it doggie style?
- Alison: No I do not want you to fuck me like a dog.
- Ben: It's doggie style. It's just in the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
- Alison: Boobs! Boobs and bush!
- Ben: Alriiight, credit bush! That's the best, we're not even five minutes in.
- Alison: What if this was our second date, what would we do?
- Ben: BJ?
- Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
- Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!
- Jay: You're embarrassing me in company!
- Jonah: You embarrass yourself!
- Ben: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
- Alison: And a little bit Spanish...?
- Ben: Yeah, I'm not very good with impressions.
- Alison: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
- Ben: It's okay... I didn't...
- Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Hey! What up dogg?
- Sadie: Where have you been?
- Ben Stone: Oh, you know... Around.
- Sadie: Why is everyone so mad at you?
- Ben Stone: They are? What are they saying?
- Sadie: Oh, you know. Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a prick. What's that mean?
- Ben Stone: Penis. It means penis.
- Sadie: Penis. [Sadie nods her head and then giggles]
- Sadie: I googled murder.
- Sadie: Where do babies come from?
- Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
- Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
- Debbie: That's exactly right.
- Martin: Do you ever get so bored you stare at your balls?
- Jonah: I bet you do late John Lennon.
- Save the due date
- From the director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more
- Imagine if this guy got you pregnant
- What if this guy got you pregnant?
- Seth Rogen - Ben Stone
- Katherine Heigl - Alison Scott
- Paul Rudd - Pete
- Leslie Mann - Debbie
- Jason Segel - Jason
- Jay Baruchel - Jay
- Jonah Hill - Jonah
- Martin Starr - Martin