Kung Pow! Enter the Fist
- And who exactly do you rule? The large, dark nipple people?
- Killing is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing. Like badwrong, or badong. Yes. Killing is badong. From now on, I will stand for the opposite of killing. Gnodab.
- You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho-bitch.
- I...will...not...be stopped...by a tiny net.
[film starts running in reverse]
Just reverse the capture method, and yeah!
- It's going to be OK, boy! (finding Dog dying)
[Dog rasps and dies]
No, it's not!
- I could always pretend that I was a bird. But that would just look stupid and leave my small, sensitive balls completely exposed.
- I'm gonna count to three, and if I hear one more friggin' squeak, I'm gonna take his shoes, and shove em' up his...
- I need gopher chucks!
- You killed my family, and I don't like that kind of thing.
- My finger points!
- I rock...and roll...all day long, sweet Suzy.
- Knock knock. Who's there? Your ass that's about to be kicked!
- [Does not match character's lips] Now....we'll......learn.....[quickly] who'sthebest!
- I see the way you look at him. I'm a man, too, you know! I go pee-pee standing up!
- I'm bleeding...Making me the victor.
- If you've got an ass, I'll kick it!
- My nipples look like milk duds!
- I have been called bad before. Many people have said, I do things that are not...correct-to-do. I do not believe in such talk! I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time. First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord? [long moment of silence] My ass. Nyah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.Enough!
- Swingin' da chain, sa-wingin' da chain...
- When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you!
- Hmmm. I'll kill him. I'll kill him dead. Like with, with a, rock or something. Like a, like a stone.
- Well, I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without crap in your pants!
- I spanked you as a baby, I'll spank you now, bitch!
- Gentlemen, from this day forward, you will all refer to me by the name...Betty.
- I am a great magician...your clothes are red!
- Shirt Ripper!
- Oh, and now the snorting starts!
- (To the coughing Master Tang) For God's sake, cover your mouth! We'll all catch it!
- Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata, hiding with the candy, hoping the kids won't break through with the stick. [Starts snorting.]
- Hey, is someone going to come get me? There's, like, a hawk or something.
[a hawk is eating his leg]
Oh dear. That's not good. Uh, Mr. Hawk? Can you please stop eating my leg? Oh my.
[crew members laughing]
Hey! It's not funny! What's so - ? He's a predator, for crying out loud!
[screen fades to black]
Hey, just because the screen turned black, doesn't mean he's stopped. He's still eating me! I promise! Somebody get me a stick! Save the whales.
- I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We purposely trained him wrong. As a joke.
- Oh, again with the squeaky shoes.
- Listen, and listen well. I really like the band 'N Sync. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo. If not there should be. I will write their next hit, it will go, 'A boom-boom chiky chiky boom-boom a boom-boom chiky chaka chaka cho cho.' By the way, you must beware of Betty's iron claw. They are sharp, and they hurt. And beware his song about big butts, because he beats you up while he's playing it!
- Prepare the long rubber glove.
[glove stretching noises; Wimp Lo looks afraid]
Eeny...meeny...miney...moe - I wonder where...my glove will go?
- Your story makes my heart heavy, and my prostate weak. My bladder is filled to bursting.
- Come inside, I'll get the Neosporin. Ba-na-na-na-na, neo. Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na, sporin.
- [repeated] Wee-ooh!
- You think losing is winning.
- He was my father my entire life. We were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead - except for his hair and nails - dead. [makes odd hissing noise, best described as:] Chwaah!
- Please, stop. Wimp Lo sucks as a fighter, a child could beat him!
- Take me man meat!...Oh but I don't want you to think I'm a slut.
- You have to take your place in the great circle of....stuff!
- This is CNN. C-N-N.(Fades out) C...N...N...
- Master Pain, it is a great honor having you beating random people in our town! Especially that helpless man you just hit!....Welcome!
- [to applause for someone else] Thank you, thank you. That is tender, that is tender.
- That's a lot of nuts!
- That'll be 4 bucks baby! You want fries with that!?
- [to cell phone] He just left! With nuts!
- [falling down a waterfall] Water! It's everywhere! All over me! I'm getting wet! I'm falling, you're falling, we're falling! [starts screaming] A whale!!
- [mortally wounded] Let me know...when you see...a Radio Shack.
- So on he walked...and sometimes, drove...and occasionally, partied with the desert creatures.
- The Chosen One trained, for part of him knew what lied ahead.
[The Chosen One does one handed pushups before pushing his whole body off the ground by blowing air out of his mouth] Wow! I'll have some of whatever he's smoking!
- And then, all hell broke loose!
- Crap man. Look at that. That's, like, his stomach plug, on the ground back there. [Scoffs] You don't see that every day. I mean that doesn't even seem possible, if you think about it. I mean with body organs, and cartilage and bones. I mean, I'm no doctor, but, it was like one clean chunk.
- At that moment, the Chosen One learned a valuable lesson about iron claws: they hurt like crap, man!
- [Betty has thrown a claw at Master Tang, the action freezes] Ok, so here were my options. (a), quickly duck left, dodge the claw and take him out with a spinning back kick, or (b), take the claw in the face, roll on the ground and die.
[Action resumes, Tang takes the claw in the face, rolls on the ground and dies]
Hmm, should have gone with (a).
- Master Tang: I remember, a long time ago, a friend of mine told me that there would be a chosen one...
- Master Doe[in flashback]: There will be a chosen one.
- Master Tang: Then he told me, of the signifigance.
- Master Doe[in flashback]: It will be signifigant.
- Master Tang: And then, he killed the dog.
- [Doe closes his eyes, we hear an audible fart, and an audible dog whimper.]
- Chosen One: I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?
- Master Tang: Oh, you won't even believe what happened next--
- Chosen One: [interrupts beginning flashback] Oh no, please!
- Master Tang: If you insist.
[Four peasants are beating the Chosen One until they receive his signal]
- Peasant 1: Should we keep going?
- Peasant 2: He said we should keep going until he gives the signal to stop.
- Peasant 3: Did anyone see the signal?
- Peasant 2: He was whining for a while.
- Peasant 1: Do you think whining was the signal?
- [peasant 3 starts hitting Chosen One again]
- Peasant 1: Hey, easy.
[peasants 2, 3, and 4 begin beating the Chosen One's limp body]
- Peasant 1: Oh well.
[Peasant 1 joins in the beating]
- Peasant 1: Wait, didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body?
- Peasants 2-4: Ooooooooh!
[they pile onto the Chosen One's fallen body]
- Peasant 1: Okay!.......Go ahead!.......Throw us off!
[Chosen One does nothing and they get off]
- Peasant 3: He isn't moving.
- Peasant 2: Uh....
- Peasant 4: Maybe we should leave.
[they all leave]
- Peasant 1: Don't say anything to Mom.
- Chosen One: But I don't understand. Who are the evil council?
- Mushufasa: The answer you seek resides in the stars above.
- Chosen One: I don't understand.....
- Mushufasa: Of course you don't. I'm speaking in riddles. That's kind of the point, like a clue, so when you figure it out you'll say 'Ohh, that's what he meant! Stars above!"
- Mayor: Now, you'll all have to excuse Master Betty. It's twelve o'clock, and time for his nap!
- Betty: Heheheh, sleepy time.
- Master Tang: Goodbye, Sally.
- Betty: It's Betty, you son-of-a-pig. The name is Betty.
- Ling: But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I-I-I-I-I-I, I just can't. I won't! Wee-ooh wee-ooh!
- Chosen One He wasn't at the restaraunt, do you know where he is?
- Ling: No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Wee-ooh!
- Chosen One: Look Ling, those curlicues in your hair make me so horny I can't think straight!
- Ling: You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see
you can't make it? [Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly shouting]
- Chosen One: [calmly] I implore you to reconsider.
- Ling: Hmmmmm, okay.
- Mayor: That tiny net was sure-fire master!
- Betty: Yes, a tiny net is a death sentence, it's a net and it's tiny!
- Betty: Orson!
- Henchmen: Welles.
- Students: [as they practice kata] One... of us... is wearing... a push-up bra! It's lacy! And cute!
[Master Tang walking and singing]
- Master Tang: Hmm, chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how bout you? Wanna be an animal just like you...
[breaks off and looks around]
- Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
- Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too!
- Master Tang: [resumes singing] Lemur go pff-pff, ostrich go baah. Koala go
[smacks lips]- [spins suddenly to face Betty]
- Wimp Lo: Who is that? [indicates Chosen One]
- Student: [mouths for a few seconds] I don't know.
- Whoa: Do it for your family, and so I can be in the sequel.
- Mu Shu Fasa: Stars above? Aliens? Was I right or what? Oh, you have to open your mouth.
- Master Tang: I know you seek The Chosen One. And I know what you did to his family. [begins coughing]. And now, I'm going to beat you up. [Coughs badly].
- Master Pain: Do you need a glass of water, or something?
- Betty: I am a great magician. Your clothes are RED!!!
[Different scene. The Mayor is now wearing red robes]
- Mayor: Wow, that was amazing! Do it again! Wait, who's this?
[A henchman runs in]
- Henchman: He's alive, Betty. He's still alive, Betty!
- Betty: Still alive? How can this be? This is bad, this is very bad - your clothes are black - the Council will be most displeased.
[Different scene. The Mayor's robes are now black again]
- Mayor: But Master, do they have to know?
- Betty: He's supposed to be dead! I am responsible! He could create big problems for our plans. Him and that infernal Toungey! Red clothes!
[Different scene. The Mayor's robes change back to being red]
- Mayor: Master, what exactly is the Evil Council's plan?
- Betty: It is evil. It is so, so evil! It is a very evil, bad plan that will hurt many people that are good! I think it's great, because it's so bad!
- Mayor: I see... I think.
[Chosen One kicks Wimp Lo in the face. Wimp Lo does a pose.]
- Wimp Lo: Ha! Face to foot style, how do you like it?
- Chosen One: I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: this is Earth.
- Wimp Lo: Oh yeah? Then try my nuts to your fist style!
- Master Doe: I have a mortal wound.
- Master Tang: Where? Where does it hurt?
- Master Doe: Oh, pretty much around the big bloody spot.
[the intermission begins]
- Betty: Go get some snacks! Perhaps a car-bon-at-ed so-da!
- Ling: I hope they have Icees!
- Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub.
- Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds!
- Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy!
[two students are walking, both of them have their mouths closed but voice is dubbed in]
- Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists, we are both ventriloquists and we practice every day.
- Student 1: He carries the baskets.
- Student 2: He carries the paper roll.
- Students: And we don't have cysts. But one thing is for sure my friends, we are ventriloquists.
[one of the henchmen points to Ling]
- Henchman: You, go that way.
[He turns and leaves with other henchmen.]
- Henchman: I'll go home.
- Wimp Lo: He's an outsider. Have you ever seen him before?
- Ling: Hmn-hmn. Well, twice.
[the Council appears out of the air]
- Betty: That's right! The Evil Council are *aliens*!
[speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music]
- Chosen One: They're French.
- Betty: Ha, ha! Stinky pits and all, baby!
- Chosen One: His powers are greater than mine.
- Mu Shu Fasa: Yes, plus when you got hit with his iron claw you DID scream like a wussy.
- Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?
- Chosen One: Yeah... sure.
- Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten?
- Chosen One: One.
- Master Tang: [singing] Oh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell. Enchirito...
- Students: [joining in singing] Nacho Burrito...
[the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty. A man comes up to him]
- Master Doe: Wait! You are not ready!
- Chosen One: Who are you?
- Master Doe: Ling's father! [Way deeper than Ling] Wee-ooh wee-ooh!
- Chosen One: Oh, dear.
- Chosen One: Master Tang, I have traveled many miles to meet you.
- Master Tang: How many miles? Would you say 10 million?
- Chosen One: ...no, I would not say 10 million.
- Ling: Whee-ooh whee-ooh whee-ooh whee-ooh!
- Betty: Ehh... yeehhhhhhh!
- Ling: Whee-ooh whee-ooh whee-ooh!
- Betty: Ehh... yeeeeehhhhhhhhh!
- Ling: Whee-ooh whee-ooh whee-ooh whee-ooh whee-ooh!
- Betty: Ehhhhhhh... yeehhheeehhhhh!