NCIS (TV series)

NCIS (2003-) is a CBS network television series about a team of special agents from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service of the United States Navy.

JAG Pilot Episodes

NOTE: Before being launched as it's own series, NCIS was featured as a two part episode in Season 8 of the Series JAG

Ice Queen

Gibbs: Kid puts a new one in a corpse. That's a new one.

Gibbs: (to Vivian) I think the scout master is the tall one.

Ducky: Special Agent Blackadder, how about dinner tonight after the autopsy?
Vivian: Oh, I never date men old enough to be my father, Ducky.

Ducky: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.
Gibbs: (looking at the body) When'd she die?
Ducky: Oh, gosh, in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least 20 years ago. She was an assistant film editor and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto--
Gibbs: (interrupting) This one, Ducky. When did this one die?

Gibbs: Cause of death?
Ducky: Well, it wasn't the arrow.

[the others are arguing over using military DNA to ID the father]
Ducky: Let's not fight, children, we are all on the same team.

Tony: (refering to the Caf Pow) Is that number 2 or 3 today?
Abby: If you must know, it's number 4.
Tony: (holds up evidence bag) I brought you a present.
Abby: (smiles) And you wonder why you're still single.

Tony: You redecorating?
Abby: I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit
Tony: You take these?
Abby: Ya that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5
Tony: Shotgun-shattered backbone?
Abby: Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum.
Tony: (grimaces, then looks at another picture) Duodenum?
Abby: Ya I like to call it Duodenum with a lye chaser. It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.
Tony: You need to get out more, Abby.
Abby: Is that an invite?

Abby: I got more goodies. I got the name off the airline ticket
Tony: Ya we got that
Abby: ...and the destination
Tony: Got that too
Abby: ...and the departure date
Tony: Early April
Abby: (imitates a buzzer) January 6th.
Gibbs: That's gotta be April 6th
Abby: No Gibbs, you just need young eyes. That's a 1 not a 4.
Gibbs: That's a one?
Abby: Ya
Tony: So she missed her flight.
Abby: Tony, she got wacked.
Tony: Ya, but not 3 months ago.
(Ducky enters the room)
Ducky: Actually, 3 months is probably quite accurate. I'm afraid our victim was in the Potomac at least that long.
Abby: What, racking up frequent floater miles?
Ducky: Being an ice queen. She was frozen.

Abby: (lifting a fingerprint for the victim's car) Let your fingers do the talking. (to Tony) Why'd they tow it?
Tony: It was abandoned in a lot at Gray Falls. Any of those finger prints big enough to be a man's?
Abby: Yep. Whoever was riding shotgun.
Tony: How fast can you run 'em.
Abby: Usually about 12 hours, but for dinner...
Tony: Get me an ID in two and I'll make it Cafe Alantico.
Abby: Sweet.

Gibbs: There's the murder date between the 4th of January and the missed flight on the 6th.
Tony: Abby's pulled a man's prints from her car, she's running them now.
Gibbs: (to Vivian) Check with Ducky. See if those dates coincide with the autopsy.
Vivian: Got it.
Gibbs: (to Tony) Come on lover boy.
Tony: Where we going?
Gibbs: To Benzingers to get a drink.
Vivian: They get drinks and I get Ducky.

Vivian: You didn't match Rabb's DNA to the fetus, did you?
Ducky: I didn't have to. We didn't always have DNA, you know. We didn't always have television. You're too young to remember but in many ways radio was much more fascinating.
Vivian: Ok, Ducky
Ducky: You had to use your imagination
Vivian: Ducky! (he stops) Why didn't you have to?
Ducky: I checked Commander Rabb's blood type - that's legal - There is no way he could have fathered the girl.

Ducky: I have the utmost respect for the dead.
Vivian: Well that's obvious from the way you speak to them.
Ducky: If you were dead wouldnt it be nice if you were spoken to rather than about?
Vivian: But her soul isn't in this.
Ducky: Perhaps not, but I've always felt a presence when conducting an autopsy, especially with murder victims.

(Vivian is reading Rabb his rights)
Rabb: I know my article 31 rights and I waive them.
(she continues reading them)
Rabb: I said I waive them.
Gibbs: She used to be FBI.

Rabb: How long you been doing this, Gibbs?
Gibbs: 19 years.
Rabb: Can you tell if someone is guilty by looking in their eyes?
Gibbs: Yeah, I can
Rabb: Well, look in mine. Ask me. Ask Me!
Gibbs: Would you kill for your brother?


Rabb: There are enough holes in this case to raise reasonable doubt.
Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: There is also enough evidence to tie you to the murders and a string of witnesses. Your colleagues will testify to angry words between you and Lieutenant Singer right up to the time of her death.
Rabb: Well it could be worse, I guess.
Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: How?
Rabb: I could not have an alibi
Lt. Cmdr. Coleman: (in annoyance) You have an alibi?
Rabb: No.

[Ducky is telling his findings in court]
Major McBurney: What else did you discover?
Ducky: On her left buttock I found a tatoo of a stalking leopard. Majestic. Brilliant. I've only seen one other like it on a tango dancer in Buenos Aires who died of dehydration. I was on sabatical at the ti--
Major McBurney: (interupts) Doctor, I was asking about Lieutenant Singer.
Ducky: She wasn't in Buenos Aires...

Coleman: Doctor isn't it possible that the LT's injuries were a result of an accidental fall?
Ducky: (very seriously) Well the railing is very high. Its quite unlikely. Unless the LT's unconcious body levitated and dropped over the side. I've heard--
Coleman: (cutting him off) Thank you Doctor

McBurney: (answering his cell) Major McBurney... ya... really?... Wow, You are the girl of my dreams. (hangs up and turns to Gibbs) That was Abby.
Gibbs: She's calling you?
McBurney: mmhmm, We were separated at birth. She's invited us to the lab. (Turns to Coleman) You should come. Partake of the wonders of science.

[after finding Commander Rabb's name on the hat]
Abby: If the hat does fit, you can't acquit.
(both lawyers give Abby a funny look)
Abby: Oh come on, one of you would have said it if you had thought of it first.

FBI Agent: What did you get out of him?
Gibbs: A good restaurant in Tunas.

Vivian: I'm sorry, I almost blew it
Gibbs: (disapprovingly) Almost?
Tony: I still like you.

Season 1

Yankee White [1.1]

Note: Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service. A navy officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in Charge. Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in the second episode joined NCIS.

Jethro Gibbs: We're LEO's.
TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
Tony DiNozzo: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.

TSA Agent Dennis: NCIS? That anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.

Gibbs: You ever work a crime scene Todd?
Kate Todd: Well, I am a Secret Service Agent.
Gibbs: I thought not.
Kate: Don't dismiss me like that, ok. I earned my jock strap.
Gibbs: Yeah? It ever give you that empty feeling?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: Your jockstrap!
Kate: No, like some species of frog, I grow what I need.

Gibbs: (while looking at dead Navy commander) What do you think happened Duck?
Dr. Ducky Mallard: Good lord Gibbs, I just met the deceased.

Kate: I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans, they're top secret!
Gibbs: Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Gibbs: Rule number one: Never let suspects stay together.
Gibbs: Rule number two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

Kate: (noticing DiNozzo sitting in the president's chair on Air Force One) Oh, No! I draw the line at him sitting in the president's chair!
Tony: Why? He's not using it!

Abby Sciuto: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?
Tony: I'll wait.
Abby: There's a futon under the desk.
Tony: Bless you.
Abby: What are you, my priest?
Tony: Curse you?

Gibbs: (to Todd) You mind if I tag along? Please.
Abby: Wow, Gibbs said please!

Gibbs: (to Ducky after he hears Tony being thrown out of the van) I guess they found him!

Kate: (after Ducky takes her temperature) Do you use that thermometer on cadavers?
Ducky: Would you rather I use the liver probe?

FBI Agent Fornell: (to Bauer about NCIS) With us joined at the hip.. all they can do is watch... and bitch.

Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss?
Ducky: I did rather.

Ducky: Did he gradually become ill or was it sudden?
Kate: Sudden, he started to convulse and collapsed, the president's physician believed that the commander had a stroke.
Tony: A bit young for a brain fart.

Hung Out To Dry [1.2]

Witness: We were hanging out, listening to Dashboard Confessional.
Tony: Emo.
Gibbs: Emo?
Tony: Emotional music. Gotta get a radio, Gibbs.

Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
Tony: Not me.
Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category that I want to kick in the ass on the ground.

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby: Definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Kate: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Kate: How'd you get into this?
Abby: I filled out an application.

Kate: How'd you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.

Tony: What's your chute number?
Marine: Four.
Tony: Four's unlucky in China.
Gibbs: We're not in China.

Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: Always wanted to jump. Gibbs came along to laugh.

Gibbs: So you gonna pay $180 to defy gravity?
Tony: (grinning) Yeah, I think I am.

Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not! Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.

Gibbs: Come on, lets get you boots, you can't to field work in heels.
Tony: Depends what kind of field work!

Kate: DiNozzo your mind goes from X to XXX.
Tony: Yeh...

Tony: Wow in that outfit you could be NCIS cover girl.

Seadog [1.3]

Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below!
Gibbs: Sixty feet below.

Gibbs: Did you get that reporters number or was that just talk?
Tony: (slightly offended) Gibbs?
Gibbs: See if she's available for lunch.
Tony: Can I expense it?
Gibbs: No, but I will.

Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over large numbers of $100 bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for you?

Tony: (about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists) You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?

Abby: (while watching video of a terrorists van) Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival?
Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.
Abby: Cool.

Tony: Are you sure? I knew a granny in Baltimore hid a kilo of H in a horse's rectum.
Kate: No horse on the boat, Tony.

Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?
Dobbs: What?
Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.

Tony: (looking at two girls sunbathing) If I only had the time.
Gibbs: What?
Tony: (quickly looking at his watch) Do you have the time?
Gibbs: Going somewhere?
Tony: Yeah, back to work.

Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.

The Immortals [1.4]

Tony: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto Rico.
Kate: Been there a lot?
Tony: (excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end) No that's just it, I've never been there... I mean I'm so wanting to go. Ever since I was a kid I was wanting...sorry...I just always...
Gibbs: (deadpan) Wanted to be there.
Tony: Yeah.

Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.
Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?

Tony: The best IT guy in our office is 22, Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 year old nephew.

Tony: (to Gibbs) When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. (look from Gibbs) ... Neither does Tony.

Kate: So they pretty much hate us.
Tony: Noooooooooo........... Pretty much.

Tony: You might want to warn us about what you're working on after lunch, Ducky.
Ducky: Yes. I suppose gazing into a digestive system doesn't assist the actual process.
Tony: Not after the meal we just had.

The Curse [1.5]

Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch.
Kate: RIO?
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in back.
Kate: (to Gibbs) What do you need two B's for?
Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.

Gibbs: Tony, you gas the truck.
Tony: Gibbs, you know, most agencies have people who do that sort of thing.
Gibbs: (looking at Tony) Mmhmm. So do we.

Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it.
Kate: TFOA?
Tony: Things fallen off aircraft.
Kate: You're kidding.
Gibbs: Nope. Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to biplanes.

Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. (Points to a body in the morgue) How did he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!
Ducky: Oh, Abby, please...
Abby: Sorry.

Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?'

High Seas [1.6]

Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a strait jacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.

Kate: This...isn't the deck 5 berthing compartment, is it?
Sailor: (while standing at a urinal) No ma'am this is the men's head on deck 6.

Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.

Sub Rosa [1.7]

Tony: If you're coming down with something, don't sit next to me in the truck.
Kate: There's an upside to getting a cold?
Tony: Wanna tell the doctor about it? [straightens his tie and grins]

Kate: What do you put in your coffee?
Gibbs: Coffee.

Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup.
Gibbs: That's...not coffee.

Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Tony: Worst case of acid indigestion I ever saw.

Gibbs: Hey...better get Michael Jackson out of here...before he ralphs.

Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs
Tony: Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half.

Kate: This isn't pledge week at Sigma Chi, Tony.
Tony: Bet you were a lot of fun in college.
Kate: I was a... lot...of fun in college.
Tony: Really.

Kate: replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.
Gibbs: You claustrophobic?
Kate: No
Gibbs: Good. [walks away]
Kate: I'm going?!
Tony: Don't forget to wax.

Abby: There's good news and bad news...
Ducky: [sighs] I hate it when you play this game, Abby.
Abby: His last meal was a Big Mac and fries
Ducky: Probably half the base had that for lunch. I was hoping you'd come up with something a little more exotic. Tandoori perhaps. And the good news?
Abby: I know what's in the special sauce.

Ducky: I have good news and bad news.
Abby: I hate payback.

Gibbs: Go and un-hydrate.
Kate: I never heard it called that before.

[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a house]
McGee: That's breaking and entering.
Tony: No. That was breaking... and this is entering.

Tony: [looking at eco-terrorists screen saver] Guess flying toasters would have been too much to ask for.

Tony: You've taken computer classes.
McGee: Masters in computer forensics, MIT.
Tony: I see.
McGee: [looks at a chemical diagram on the computer] This isn't good.
Tony: What?
McGee: Isopropylaminomethyl methlphosphonothiola.
Tony: [looks at him confused]
McGee: BS in Biomechanical engineering Johns Hopkins. You?
Tony: Ohio State......phys ed major......I was a jock.

Tony: Nice hat. Did they make you the boat mascot?
Kate: That's your way of saying you missed me, isn't it?
Tony: No.

Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly Abby's type.
McGee: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge you were talking about?
Tony: [nods]
McGee: I went with Mom.
Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to impress Abby]

Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?
Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.
Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered]

Minimum Security [1.8]

Tony: Normally I hate priority rides but if it's going to...
Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: C'mon boss. Tell me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

Tony: (laughs, while on a Gulfstream Aircraft) I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best.
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.

Kate: (to Tony) I would be the last one to rain on your parade, Fidel, but you're logged onto an official Navy website. It's PR.

Tony: Why does the woman thing come up when a ship is sinking or there's only one bedroom with a bath?

Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.

Tony: (naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn) Halt!
Kate: (speechless)
Gibbs: I need coffee.

FBI Translator: You might want to think about keeping that door shut. Iguanas have been known to wander inside.

Gibbs: Did I say both of you?
Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.
Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.

Tony: Can I drink?
Gibbs: Yeah. Sarsaparilla.

Agent Paula Cassidy: What're you drinking?
Tony: Sarsaparilla.
Bartender: Root beer.

Paula: Are you here to check me out?
Tony: Define checking out.

Tony: So Jack Palance shoots Elijah Wood?

Tony: Miss me?
Paula: Like Herpes.

Tony: Never broken a rule?
Paula: Have you?
Tony: If the risk is worth it. (turns to bartender) Jimmy, un tequila y una cerveza, por favor.

Tony: You were the first woman I saw in my endorphin high.
Kate: We work together, Tony. It's like a brother-sister thing.
Tony: Never had a sister.
Kate: It's probably a good thing.
Tony: Just passed Sa'id's room, sis.

Paula: You gonna read me my rights?
Gibbs: You have the right to be reimbursed for postage.

Gibbs: Why is Special Agent DiNozzo sorry?
Paula: He blew his chance to get laid.

Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us?
Abby: $2500.
Gibbs: Twenty Five HUNDRED Dollars???

Gibbs: So she and Sa'id were doing the horizontal salsa.
Tony: Not according to the bartender at El Floridita.
Gibbs: What, lovers register with him at Gitmo?

Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it.
Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?
Tony: I'm hitting the rack.

Kate: You know, Gibbs, you can be a real...
Gibbs: ...bastard.

Abby: It's just sex, Ducky.
Ducky: Just sex?
Abby: You know, biological act between two creatures in a species in response to biological and neurological stimuli.

Abby: Something's wrong. The files are too big.
Ducky: (chuckles) Not just the files.

Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

Gibbs: How good an actress are you, Agent Cassidy?
Paula: Ask Tony. He bought my act.

Kate: She'd say anything to get in that room
Tony: It's not a problem, we were both playing a game.
Gibbs: Yeah? Who won?

Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Marine Down [1.9]

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Kate: Because he probably killed them.

(At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target)
Tony: (protesting) Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.
Kate: Then don't shoot it.
Gibbs: Back this up? (Tapes Kate's PDA to her target) .
Kate: (protests) Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.
Gibbs: Then don't shoot it. (walks away)
Kate: (to Tony) If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Gibbs: Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.
Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid.
Kate: Deal.

Abby: Very cool. Where can I get one of these? (admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap)
Tony: You can have that one.

Abby: How did he die?
Tony: That's kind of what Gibbs wants me to find out.
Abby: Then I'd say being you sucks.

Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.
Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.
Kate: Why is that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

Gibbs: Any luck?
Kate: Access denied. And I was cleared for Air Force One.
Gibbs: So was an Al Qaeda operative.

Kate: (looking at her PDA with a bullet hole in the middle of it) Wish my warranty covered bullets.

Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.

Kate: What does he want the LES for?
Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea.
Tony: Not a clue.

Tony: Sorry I couldn't help you with the digging boys. Old pro basketball injury.
Kate: You played Pro ball?
Tony: Well, I was watching a game when it happened.

Tony: Does your calling plan include the afterlife?

Tony: You know what really ticks me off?
Kate: Gibbs?
Tony: No. These guys get paid more than I do.

Tony: I'm a man of action.
Kate: I'd say more like an Action figure.
Tony: Why? You wanna play with me?
Kate: As in you look good, but can't do much.
Tony: But I look good.

Gibbs: ...he's CIA.
Kate: What makes you think that?
Gibbs: How many agencies do you know that drive economy-class armored cars?

Tony: He's really pissed off.
Kate: How do you know?
Tony: (rolls eyes and walks away)
Kate: (to herself) I need to work on reading men better.

Tony: This is so not right. I mean, it's not as though we couldn't have done this during daylight.
Kate: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?
Tony: No, I'm afraid of getting shot for trespassing.

Kate: Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?
Tony: Oh, he's sleeping.
Kate: How can you tell?
Tony: He looks peaceful.

Gibbs: Morning. Sleep well?
Kate: If you consider throwing up violently all night and being thrown around like a couple of rag dolls...
Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.

Left For Dead [1.10]

Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.

Gibbs: (on cell phone) No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the bomb. (closes phone) She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.
Tony: Love that look in a woman.

Tony: Speaking of dates we've worked together for two years and I have no idea where you live.
Ducky: I'd just as soon we kept it that way, Tony.
Tony: Right.

Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.
Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.
Tony: You have a chastity belt?
Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.

Kate: She's not the terrorist type, Tony.
Tony: So you're thinking more Emma Thompson than Angelina Jolie?

Gibbs: Okay who's Maureen Ingalls?
Kate: What makes you think she isn't?
Gibbs: (gives her a look)
Kate: My cousin.
Tony: Hah. That was a quick fold.

Tony: Whoa. What's with you and Jane Doe?
Kate: She'll be occupying my spare bedroom so I don't have to say no to you.
Tony: Did I ask?

Abby: Gotcha
Gibbs: Love to hear that word out of your dark lips, Abby.
Abby: What'd you find?
Tony: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe but not me.
Abby: Shocking.

Tony: What's that?
Abby: A scratch.
Tony: It's more than a scratch.
Abby: You may actually be right.
Tony: Wanna know what my vision is? 20/10. Same as Ted Williams. He could see the seam of a fastball coming at him.
Gibbs: How about knuckles?

Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier didn't you Abby?
Abby: Yup.

Detective: You're telling me the stooge from Hoover didn't save the man?
Tony: Hell no it was NCI us.
Detective: Not according to the TV reports.
Tony: When do they get it right?

Gibbs: Found the key to this place in Jane Doe's grave.
Detective: I thought she was alive.
Tony: She woke up taking a dirt nap and did a Dracula.
Detective: That's a new one.

Tony: What is with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF. And they're all B's.
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.

Gibbs: Tell me that "Bombe" means the same in German as it does in English?
Tony: Jawohl mein Capitan. BFF makes bomb detecting devices for the US Navy.

Executive: Suite 8700. I was there Friday.
Tony: To kill Richter?
Executive: How could you ask such a thing?
Tony: It's my job.

Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: (stops typing)
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.

Gibbs: Tests? On a Navy ship?
Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here?
Gibbs: Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Tony: We gotta do something, boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: No.

Gibbs: My door's unlocked.
Tony: I know.

Eye Spy [1.11]

(Tony, eating a doughnut, holds out the bag to Kate)
Kate: No. Thanks.
Tony: They're really good.
Kate: Not worth the price. I like keeping my belt notched exactly where it is.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean?
Kate: What mean?
Tony: The whole sort of raised eyebrows winky thing.
Kate: Nothing really. Just a nervous...tic?
Tony: I've weighed exactly the same since the day I graduated from college. Never up, never down.
Kate: Certainly you would know. Do you weigh yourself a lot?
Tony: I never weigh myself.
Kate: I see. Well, I don't pay that close attention to your body, Tony.
Tony: (Walks away frowning.) Really.
Kate: But, Tony. If you're happy with the way you are that's all that counts. (winks)
Tony: (Sits down, checks his waistline and tightens his belt a notch.)
Kate: You alright?
Tony: (grimacing) Couldn't be better.

Kate: (To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo) You OK? What is it?
Gibbs: Shrinkage.

Gerald: It moved.
Ducky: I don't think so.
Gerald: It moved, doc.
Ducky: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs. (sees movement in body bag) He certainly was dead on the beach.

Tony: Special Agent DiNozzo.
Phone Operator: Just can't stop messing with the uniforms can they, sir?
(Conversation about incoming calls. Tony turns to walk away.)
Phone Operator: I'd write a letter, sir.

Tony: So what ever happened between you and Abby?
McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.
Tony: Really?! I guess the tatt on the old caboose did the trick?
McGee: Among other things.
Tony: You don't say? Did you see any art on her caboose?
McGee: You're right, I don't say!
Tony: I'll take that as a no.

Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?
McGee: Ummmm, not sure.
Tony: (gives him a look)
McGee: ...sir?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: 's alright. Rookie mistake.

Kate: (Sees Tony coming in Duckie's uniform) Oh my god.
Tony: Don't even, okay.
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.
Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus - no belt.
Tony: Hmmf!

Tony: (eating a nutrition bar) You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When are you going to start?
Tony: What do you call this?
Kate: Bad things masquerading as something good for you?

Abby: You're on the air.
Gibbs: Hey Abbs.
Abby: Gibbs. How did we do with the moles?
Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks.
Abby: I can never get that straight.

Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.

Ashton (Boytoy): Greetings from NASA, NCIS.
Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.
Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas liftoff. I had to delay the launch. They were not happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.

(In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange)

Tony: Maybe we can find the polar chick.
Kate: Tony's right. Beach is in a restricted area. Odds are she works at Little Creek.
Tony: Want me to track her down, boss?
Kate: Why am I not surprised? Want me to handle it? At least I won't drool.
Gibbs: No. (with a smile) No, DiNozzo took a wave for the team.
Tony: Thanks, Boss.

Gina: ...I just really hate tan lines. Don't you?
Gibbs: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about that.

Kate: We know the killer was left handed, which eliminates Commander Tyler whose service file confirms she's a rightie.
Tony: We also know the killer's a woman unless Obermaier went Norman Bates on the guy. Actually, when you think about it the MO's match. (Makes stabbing motion at Kate's back)
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Kate: (turns) What'd you do?

Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed.
Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate: I golf left handed, but I bat and throw right handed.
Tony: So you go both ways?

Kate: Your phone has been ringing off the hook. It's driving him crazy.
Tony: Well she is driving me crazy.
Kate: She?
Tony: Apparently Miss I Don't Like Tan Lines has found something she does like. Me.
Kate: And why is that a problem?
Tony: Well let's just say that's she's a lot more appealing from a distance. A geo-synchronous distance.
Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (chuckles) Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Tony: (looks a bit surprised) I guess not.

Kate: Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: (small smile and nod)
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

My Other Left Foot [1.12]

Gibbs: (to Tony and Kate) Got humpty dumpty back together again?

Kate: Still no head or left leg.
Abby: Did you check Hooterville?
Tony: Where's Hooterville?
Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.
Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.

Kate: (About Gibbs) Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.
Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.

Receptionist: Cam I help you?
Tony: (pouring on the charm) I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, (leans in very close to read her name tag) Darlene.
Receptionist: (melting) Okay.
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Tony: In good time.

Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.

One Shot, One Kill [1.13]

Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: Hey for your information I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Kate: You think he told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Kate: Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?

The Good Samaritan [1.14]

Gibbs: Anything Abby?
Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?
Gibbs: It's inflated.
Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
Gibbs: What do you think?
Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
Abby: So you don't know.
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.
Abby: Hmmmm.
Gibbs: Hmmmm.
Abby: We should play poker sometime.
Gibbs: Yeah, we should.

Enigma [1.15]

Kate: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one.

FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest.
Gibbs: For what?
Charles: Pissing off the FBI.
Gibbs: Get used to it.

Tony: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.
Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then.

Bete Noire [1.16]

Ducky: (to Ari Haswari) I look forward to weighing your liver.

Ari Haswari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.
Ducky: That wasn't a condition.
Ari: It is now.

Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.
Ari: She slept in a coffin?
Ducky: She's goth.
[Ari shudders]

Tony: What's up Abbs?
Abby: Something's...
Tony: Hinky?

Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy?
Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor.

Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!

The Truth Is Out There [1.17]

Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhart Jr.

Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon.
Gibbs: OK, stop.

Abby: I don't know. Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date just so he can be pumped.
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know?

Abby: Hey Gibbs. Do you have any fetishes?
Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. I can't afford to have any fetishes.

UnSEALed [1.18]

Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one finger ahead.

Abby: Stained glass. That's very spiritual, Gibbs.

McGee: Accent's still not right.
Tony: Damn.

Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet.
Kate: Tony's marking that territory.
Tony: Ha ha. Cute.

Tony: Houston. The cell phone has landed.

Dead Man Talking [1.19]

Gibbs: (has his Sig Sauer pointed at the head of Amanda Reed) His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.

Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky.
Tony: Okay, Kate. I can take it.
Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy?
Tony: (deep breath) I can't take it.

Missing [1.20]

Tony: Remember the good ole days Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.
Kate (incredulously): No

Kate: Do we know how big his unit was?
Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point.

Indistinct yelling
Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive.
Gibbs gives her a questioning look
Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that.

Split Decision [1.21]

Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me were you?
Gibbs: Naah
Tony: You had a plan right?
Gibbs (unconvincingly): Yeah

Abby: Don't be silly ATF lady.

Gibbs(describing the watch he is putting on): It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.
Tony (in a Sean Connery accent): Very James Bond - does it tell time too?

Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt would they?

A Weak Link [1.22]

Reville [1.23]

Gibbs: He stay at your place?
Abby: Yup.
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee?
McGee: Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.
Abby: Well... It is! Sort of...
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.
Abby: ...Not just slept.

John: John, Ag Department.
Kate: Kate, NCIS.
John: Hi...Really?
Kate: Yes. Why?
John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.
Kate: You are?
John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.
Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with?
John: National Crop Insurance Service.
Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.
Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor.
Kate: 'How corn losses affect pork belly futures?'
Gibbs: Rule number seven - always be specific when you lie.

Gibbs: [Gibbs is working on his boat while the TV in the background mentions Ari Haswari's failed mission] Suspected drug dealers... whose idea was that?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Secret Service.
Gibbs: They give Ari his get out of jail for free pass too?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Nah... CIA dd that... all the Directors agreed... including yours. Ari's father was Mossad... probably knocked his mother up to get a son with Arab blood... sent him to medical school to vet him as a doctor in Gaza. This guys' been a sleeper all his life...
Gibbs: [deadpan] Well, I'd like to put him in a coma...
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Al Qaeda fronted this Hamas OP... Ari was just... having to do what'd make his bones with em...
Gibbs: [uncompromising on his answer] You tell that to Gerald...
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You forget I lost a man... and had three wounded.
Gibbs: No, but it seems you did...
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You know better than that.
Gibbs: There's a line, Tobias... that bastard crossed it... you don't make your bones shooting friends.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: What you want him to do... he's in Al Qaeda...
Gibbs: [smacks boat hard] *I don't know!*

Gibbs: [entering the NCIS morgue to meet with the terrorist Ari Haswari, opens a body bag containing Marta's body, one of Ari's partners] She was beautiful...
Ari Haswari: Very...
Gibbs: [noticing that Ari is unmoved] Did you make love to her... and then blow her brains out...?
Ari Haswari: She would do the same to me...
Gibbs: Why do you do this...
Ari Haswari: The same reason you do...
Gibbs: I don't think so...
Ari Haswari: Then you're lying to yourself...
Gibbs: What now? You go back to the Middle East... tell them that Marta was Mossad and she blew the op?
Ari Haswari: Yes...
Gibbs: Two out failures in a row... I'd axe your ass if you worked for me...
Ari Haswari: People who blow themeselves apart to kill their enemies have lower expectations...
Gibbs: How do you sell Marta as a double agent?
Ari Haswari: My men the FBI permitted to escape... they know the effort I put into this operation, buying Smokey Sams... kidnapping Agent Todd so I could identify Marine 1... and when they search Marta's apartment they will find money and documents traceable to Mossad... Hamas will believe me... Al Quaeda is more wary...
Gibbs: They don't believe you... your dead...
Ari Haswari: Yes... and if they do... I may learn what they plan as the next 9/11... would you risk losing that opportunity over pride?
Gibbs: [wanting revenge] It's not pride...
Ari Haswari: If not pride then what? Love of country... Sense of duty? I'm sure they exist in you... but what burns is pride my friend... shalom...
Gibbs: [as Ari leaves Gibbs shoots him point blank in the shoulder, just as Ari did with Gerald earlier] Just wanted to help you convince Al Quaeda...
[Gibbs leaves calmly while Ari laughs at Gibbs' resolve]

Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?
Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?
Tony: Because we don't know his name?
Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it *today!* And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

DiNozzo: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I was working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
DiNozzo: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
DiNozzo: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
DiNozzo: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
DiNozzo: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

[Gibbs spent the night in his office chair]
Abby Sciuto: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No, I would not!
Abby Sciuto: I didn't think so.

Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?
Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.

Missile vendor Mark: Nice bike, Mr. Craig.
Ari Haswari: It's a motorcycle. A bike is something one pedals.

Gibbs: Where's Kate and Tony?
Timothy McGee: Went to lunch with Ducky.
Gibbs: When?
Timothy McGee: Uh... about an hour... or so... ago.
Gibbs: I want "or so" in minutes, McGee.

Gibbs: DiNozzo comes back, put him under house arrest.
Timothy McGee: [Gibbs strides off. McGee is clearly disconcerted] Me?

Ari Haswari: [while pouring wine] It's a very nice Chardonnay, Caitlin. And almost perfectly chilled. I wish you'd taste it.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Let her taste it.
Marta: I don't drink.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That's right. Muslims don't use alcohol.
Ari Haswari: Well, not at home.
[winks at Kate]

Ari Haswari: [after shooting Marta, on his own team] Women should never get involved in politics. It's a waste of beauty.

FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.
Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are *you* asking me this and not my director?
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: He refused to.
Gibbs: [Gibbs finally laughs] Yeah.

[a furious Gibbs is sanding his boat, producing clouds of sawdust]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [coughing] How the hell do you breathe in all this dust?
Gibbs: I don't.

Season Two

See No Evil [2.1]

Tony: Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on - a space ship? Windows should open!

Gibbs: You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?
Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today.

Gibbs:(smashing cell phone on desk) I hate this thing! It's crap!
Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.
Gibbs: See, (holds up smashed phone) there's a reason I didn't trust these things. (tosses it to McGee) Here, reboot that or something. (to Kate) Send her up.
McGee: Reboot it?
Kate: Or you can do what we always do.
(Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee)
Tony: It's his third one this month.

McGee: They could be using a trojan. She said they were using his computer. A trojan would give them back door access
Tony: You kiss your mother with that mouth, McGee?
McGee: No, Tony. A trojan is a program.

Tony: You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?

Kate: Because she's a little girl, McGee. They're not typically slobs.
McGee: Remind me to introduce you to my little sister.

Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?
McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.

Tony: Well, you think I could pass for a Marine?
Gibbs: I don't know. Let's shave your head and find out.

Tony: Delivery complete
Gibbs: That's good work, Tony
Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot
Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Gibbs: You inside his computer yet?
Abby: Oh, um...I think, um...
Gibbs: ...need help?
Abby: Yeah.
Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once.
Abby: Who?
Gibbs: You.

Abby: I love it when you talk geek.
McGee: I love it that you love it.

Abby (as her computer fizzles and crashes): NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!
McGee: System's over-heated.
Gibbs: So reboot it.
Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.
Gibbs: (holds up cell phone) Works for me.

Kate: When I'm a mother, I'm never letting my kids out of my sight.
Tony: Ya, how do you plan on doing that?
Kate: GPS locators strapped to the ankle, audio and video surveillance built into their clothes.
Tony: No, I mean the part about becoming a mother.

McGee: What the hell is it?
Abby: It's probably just some left over bodily fluid.
McGee: Oh, is that all?

Ducky: Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great-uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol.
McGee: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Ducky: Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom.

Abby: Team Abby. I'm the smart one.

Tony: I also IDed our dirt bag. Pulled his prints from Sandy's...uh... hair things...
Gibbs:: Barrettes.
Tony: Right.

Sandy: I know the number of vibrations of every key, like key number 44, E4, that's 329.63 Hz. A5 is 880. My mom says I'm half bat.
Abby: Well, that's cool. I love bats.
Sandy: Me too. I like your voice, Abby; it's kinda gravely.
Abby: Thank you

Tony:The only train in the area is an Amtrak. It left D.C. at 1620 arrived at Lorton Center 1730, average speed 65 miles an hour. Now we know it passed our dirtbag at 1706, right? So... (tries to do the calculation in his head) Damn it. I owe Mrs. Powers an apology.
McGee: Who?
Tony: My tenth grade math teacher. I told her I'd never be able to use anything she taught us in real life.

McGee: Gibbs, he sent it. I think he's going to shoot her. What do I do?
Gibbs: Something, McGee... Anything!
McGee: (over computer) This is the FBI, Grayson. We have you surrounded, come out with your hands in the air.

Gibbs: We're not the FBI, dirtbag.

Gibbs: Ok look, just for a second just pretend I don't know anything about computers.
Abby: (chuckles) Pretend?

Kate: Next time, send your note to the FBI.

Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Gibbs: Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] to a full time field agent.
McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's--
Gibbs: You belong to me now.

The Good Wives Club [2.2]

Tony: Let me guess, you never inhaled.
McGee: I inhaled.
Tony: Yeah?
McGee: Once. A little bit.
Tony: How was it?
McGee: Didn't like it.
Kate: You didn't like it?
McGee: No...
Tony and Kate: He didn't inhale.

Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress
Kate: Tony would look cute.
Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.
Kate: Well, McGee then
Gibbs: No, he's with Tony
Kate: Abby
Gibbs: No, up to her tats in forensic tests.
Kate: Well, what about you?

Vanished [2.3]

(Watching Gibbs' conduct an interrogation:)
Tony: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than sex.
Kate: That would explain the three wives.

Lt. Jane Doe [2.4]

(Tony shows the Bartender a picture of the DB.)
Bartender: Such a sweet countenance.
Tony: Sweet countenance?
Bartender: Yeah, that radiant look on her face.
Tony: She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.
Bartender: In that picture?
Tony: Yeah, she's dead.
Bartender: She's dead?
Tony: She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.
Bartender: I thought she was meditating.

Tony: Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.

Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.

The Boneyard [2.5]

FBI Agent Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?
Gibbs: (pleased) Yeah.

FBI Agent Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.

Kate & Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.
Kate: You writin' my name right?
Tony: What! I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot if you know what I mean.
Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 lbs.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings.
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behing you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. (She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.)
Tony: I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.

Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.
Tony: You never met his second wife.

Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and then I'll kill you.
Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed away 16 years ago. But I have 3 ex-wives. I would gladly give you their names and addresses. (Jimmy hangs up on Gibbs.) Huh! He hung up!

Terminal Leave [2.6]

Willy: Have you shot anybody?
Tony: Not this week.

Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.

Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Jimmy: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.

Abby: Machine making pretty pictures now.

Kate: (After catching Tony listening through the door to Jen's room as her parents yell at her) What are you doing?!?
Tony: Uh... listening.
Kate: That is just wrong.
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al Qaeda assassins... that's... wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
(They both nod, then put their ears to the door.)

Call of Silence [2.7]

Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.
Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no!
Ernie Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.

Ernie Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Ernie Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it.
Ernie Yost: And you were never on Iwo Jima.
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no. Guadalcanal.

Heart Break [2.8]

Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Gibbs: Is that a band?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Gibbs: Doubt it...
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Gibbs: Ya? I bet you won't.
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Kate: Really? You, a doctor?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo... comma... MD.
Kate: (laugh) Let me guess, a gynecologist.
Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Tony: Of course you did, Probie.

Palmer: (to a dead body) I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby: (in a deep voice) NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
(Palmer jumps back)
Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...
Abby: (smiling) I made you almost what?... (in a deep voice) Jimmy.

Forced Entry [2.9]

Chained [2.10]

Tony: Kate, Kate?
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.
Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?
Tony: A Shih-Tzu.
Motorcycle Rider: A what?
Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?

Kate: Arrrrrrrg.
Abby: Is something wrong?
Kate: Gibbs is driving.
Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.

Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?
McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.
Deputy Secretaty of State: You're telling me to...?
McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.

McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee. Good job.

Black Water [2.11]

Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?
Gibbs: Well, you know me, Ducky...I suspect everything.
Ducky: Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I suspect, the reason your 3 marriages ended in divorce.
Gibbs: Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.

Doppelgänger [2.12]

Monteleone: Oh no... wait a minute, wait a minute. No, no, no. I’ve never paid for it in my life.
Kate: Uh huh.
Monteleone: OK, I was fifteen and my cousin Ando paid Maggie O’Brien for the both of us, so that doesn’t count.
Kate: Yes it does, Tony!
Monteleone: I’m Primo.
Kate: Sorry. I can’t tell you apart.

Gibbs: You, blood spatters!
Abby: (hangs head and shuffles away) Yo ho heave ho...

Abby: (yelling) What?!
Gibbs: (pulls the phone from his ear, looks at it, puts it back to his ear) Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do now?
Abby: Put his size 10 foot in his size 12 mouth.

McGee: Are you wishing you were a computer geek?
Tony: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

Ducky: How does that jive with your gut?

The Meat Puzzle [2.13]

Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?
Gibbs: Illya Kuryakin.

(Referring to Ducky's elderly mother.)
Tony: Her last words to me were either I'm gonna slit your throat or kiss your moat.

Tony: Tony DiNozzo. Italian, gigolo, furniture mover.

Ducky: Mother, this is Caitlin.
[Ducky's mother spits at Kate]
Ducky: Mother!
Mother: Show me your knickers
Kate: I'm sorry?
Mother: Underwear, missy. I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.
Tony: It's always been my philosophy.

Kate: You're relieved, Tony.
Tony: Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough.

Witness [2.14]

Gibbs: It's a convertible sofa. Slept on one once for seven months.
Tony: That would be after the third wife. (Gibbs looks at him.) That would be none of my business.

Gibbs: Get her number?
Tony: I wasn't hitting on her, and neither was Petty Officer Dylan. She was interested in him, but he has a girlfriend.
Gibbs: Did you get her name?
Tony: Meg. Fits a hot chick like that
(Gibbs slaps him)
Tony: You meant Dylan's girlfriend

Abby: I enjoy going to the dentist
Kate: What could you possibly enjoy?
Abby: A little pain is a good thing Kate.

Gibbs: What did the urine tell you Abby
Abby: Oh all kinds of stuff we had a really good talk.

Gibbs: (About Tony) You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results.

McGee: What do you got Abs?
Abby: (to Gibbs) Do I have to answer the newbie?
Gibbs: Humour him.

Abby: There were traces of cocaine in the box
McGee: So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.
Abby: Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.
(McGee looks confused)
Abby: He calls himself a federal agent.
Gibbs: U.S. money supply is contaiminated with traces of cocaine.
McGee: I thought that was an urban myth
Abby: Give me a bill
McGee: Huh?
Abby: Give me a bill
(McGee hands her a bill)
Gibbs: A hundred?
McGee: Ya, I like to be prepared for any emergency
Abby: You are such a boy scout
(Abby rubs bill on paper)
Abby: Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaiminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.
(Abby goes back to work, without giving back the bill)
McGee: Um Abs?
Abby: Ya?
McGee: Forgetting something?
Abby: No

McGee: I knew Erin saw what she saw, that feeling in my gut, was right.
Tony: that feeling you experienced was lower than your gut probie.

Kate: A dear John, by email? What a calculating witch she gives all women a bad name.
Tony: I'm never getting married, theres no up side to it.
Kate: That's not true. Statistically married men live longer.
Tony: They don't actually live longer it just seems longer
Kate: You're so cynical
Tony: Am I? Marriage was never intended to last more than a few years.
Kate: And where did you get that?
Tony: Anthropology 101. The concept was invented by cavemen with a life expectancy of 25 years. "til death do us part" meant four or five year tops.
Kate: (laughing) That was very enlightening Di'Nozzo, and I do understand now. You think like a neanderthal.

(Tony and Kate are having a food fight)
Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.
Kate: Frozen peas?
Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

Caught on Tape [2.15]

Kate: Abby, tell Tony that a man and a woman can be friends.
Abby: Sure.
Tony: Without having sex?
Abby: Oh, they have sex.
Kate: Abby?!
Abby: Come on, Kate. Haven't you ever slept with a friend?
Kate: (upset) What is wrong with you people?
Gibbs: (steps in) Good question, Kate.

McGee: So, how bad is it? (referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.)
Abby: Umm...Would you prefer the truth or a lie... to... lessen the weight of your own self loathing?
McGee: I'd actually prefer the lie.
Abby: Me too.

Tony: I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. (The dog growls and tries to bite him.)
Kate: Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.
Gibbs: It's a bitch, Kate.
Kate: I know.

Tony: Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...
Abby: Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!

Pop Life [2.16]

An Eye for an Eye [2.17]

Tony: A dead transexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?
Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.
Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!
McGee: Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

Kate: Gibbs will get over it
McGee: When?
Kate: well let's see last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him ooh about an hour ago. So roughly eight to ten months.

Lt. Col. Bushnell: I got your email Special Agent Gibbs and to tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?

Bikini Wax [2.18]

Kate : Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.
Tony : That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.
Gibbs : We have a body in Virginia. McGee ?
McGee : Yeah
Gibbs : Call Ducky
McGee : Got it
Tony : Hey a boss have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you ?
Gibbs: No I haven't DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Kate: Give him 5 seconds...
McGee: Until what?
Kate: Until he notices there's a ...

Conspiracy Theory [2.19]

Gibbs: Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing (gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it)
McGee: Goat rope?
Tony: Marine term Probie.
Kate: It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.
McGee: Okay, uh what's FUBAR?
Kate and Tony together: You are!

Abby: Correct as always my silver-haired fox - I mean Gibbs, sir, boss.

Red Cell [2.20]

Gibbs: You tell Abby I want her.
Abby (entering the room from behind him): Oh Gibbs I never knew!

Kate: I hate to say it, but that was actually smart Tony.
Gibbs: What was Kate?
Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.
Gibbs: It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?

McGee: What kind of interrogation technique is that?
Gibbs: The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

Hometown Hero [2.21]

Tony: (while attempting to guess what McGee's first car was, McGee starts to reply) If you say Datsun Honeybee, I'm gonna come over there and smack you.

SWAK [2.22]

Gibbs: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.
Kate: Never had a cold?
Gibbs: Nope! Never had the flu either.
Kate: Why do I believe that?
Tony (sotto voice): If you were a bug would you attack Gibbs?

Kate: Tony, Please, we're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?
Tony: Deal.
Kate: Thank you.

(In the showers.)
Tony: Who would send me a letter with anthrax?
Kate: Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.
Tony: That's not funny, Kate.
Kate: Yeah, I know.
Tony: This is serious.
Kate: I know, Tony! I'm sorry.
Tony: At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!
McGee: You know, it might not be anthrax.
Tony: I like the sound of that, Probie!
McGee: It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...
Tony: Probie!
McGee: ...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...
Tony: Honeydust!
McGee: "Honeydust"?
Tony: Honeydust. I give it to girls.
(Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.)
Tony: Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.
Kate: (Chuckles) You don't use the whole chicken?
McGee: I never heard of honeydust.
Kate: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.
Gibbs: It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.
(Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look at Gibbs')
Gibbs: Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Tony: Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...
(Tony is cut off by Kate)
Kate: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?
McGee: Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.
Tony: The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?
McGee: They do.
Kate: Oh, you should have let him squirm.
Tony: Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!
Gibbs: Unless the post office screwed up again.

Tony: So, tell me doc. What have I got?
Dr. Brad: (Sighs) Pneumonic Plague.
Tony: Plague? (he chuckles) Plague..
Kate: That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the dark ages.
Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.
Kate: You opened it!
Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like your lying... (Tony stops talking because he thinks he gave it to her)
Kate: Yeah. That's right Travolta. I'm infected too.
Tony: (He is really sincere) Oh Kate, I'm sorry.
Kate: Well you're going to be sorry-ier.
Tony: (Tony is all serious) No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.

(Gibbs slaps Tony)
Tony: If I get anthrax, how will you feel?
Gibbs: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!
Abby: You're so right Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?
McGee: Oh yeah- the low cut red dress with the built in plastic...
Gibbs: (smacks McGee over the head)
Abby: I saw that!
Gibbs: Work, or you'll feel it!
Abby: Not while you're down there!
Gibbs: What?!

Twilight [2.23]

Gibbs: Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us again.

Gibbs: Make the ringer thing work.

Gibbs: He's not looking for a terrorist cell. He's running it!

Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.
DiNozzo: What should I tell him?
Gibbs: Tell him he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life!

Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first?
Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
Fornell: You could have warned me!
Gibbs: I did!

Tony: That's because he's looking forward to it.
McGee: Looking forward to what?
Tony: To finally getting to kill him.

Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate
Tony: You did good.
Gibbs: For once, I agree DiNozzo's right
Kate: (stands up) Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...
(Gunshot is fired, hits Kate in the head and she falls to the ground dead. Blood sprays on DiNozzo and Gibbs)
Ari Haswari: (on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle) Sorry, Caitlin...
Gibbs: Ari...

Season Three

Kill Ari: Part 1 [3.1]

Kate: Your mother should have wash your mind out with soap. Gibbs leaves with a woman and your only thought is 'nooner'.
Tony: Was not.
Kate: Was too. I've always known what you were thinking, Tony. What? What are you up to? Tony, I just died and you're having a sexual fantasy?
Tony: Can't help it.
Kate: DiNozzo!
Tony: Sometimes I used to picture you naked. (Notices Ziva who just walked in and is observing him). I'll call you back. (Taps a button on the phone, when he hears the signal, he does it again). Hi. I was just...
Ziva: Having phone sex?
Tony: Phone sex? No. Umm... Charades.
Ziva: Charades? Like uh... (uses hands to make camera rolling action)
Tony: You've played.
Ziva: Never on the telephone.
Tony: Yeah. My partner and I were coming up with quotes for Saturday night.
Ziva: You play charades on Saturday night?
Tony: To kill time before I go clubbing. Who are you?
Ziva: Ziva David, Mossad.
Tony: You're Israeli?
Ziva: Very good. The way you've made that connection. Mossad, Israeli.
Tony: What can I do for you, miss David.
Ziva: Nothing. I'm here to see special agent Gibbs.
Tony: How do you know I'm not Gibbs?
Ziva: Gibbs?
Tony: He'll be back in an hour. You're sure I can't help you?
Ziva: I don't think so.
Tony: We got off to a bad start. I'm special agent Tony DiNozzo. I wasn't playing charades, I was remembering my partner.
Ziva: Naked?
Tony: No. Yes. I was just... Look, I'm not the only man who does it.
Ziva: Oh, women do it to. (Looks at him from toes to top). With handsome men. And even an occasional woman.
Tony: Now you're teasing me.
Ziva: Didn't your partner tease you?
Tony: Not about... sex. Kate was kind of puritanical.
Ziva: Sorry.
Tony: It didn't matter... I wasn't interested in her... We were partners.
Ziva: She wasn't attractive?
Tony: She was. Not to me.
Ziva: Than why did you imagine her naked?
Tony: Miss David, you can sit there and slouch provocatively for an hour if you'd like or you can tell me what you need and maybe I can help.
Ziva: You can't help because I'm here to stop special agent Gibbs from killing a Mossad officer.
Tony: Ari Haswari?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: You know what? [leans in] I'd wish you luck, but I want the bastard dead too.

Jen: Leroy Jethro Gibbs, you are a strange man.
Gibbs: Me?! Huh!

[Gerald gets into Ducky's car and starts the engine before putting it in drive, but gets only a few feet and stalls]
Ducky: U-use the clutch!
[Gerald tires again and stalls again]
Ducky: Good God, man. Use the clutch!

(After Ari shot aiming on Abby. Tony lies on Abby on the floor in the lab.)
Abby: You're heavy.
Tony: Sorry. (He gets off her and pulls her to the wall).
Abby: No wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle.
Tony: Abby, shh.
Abby: Packing a nice booty, too.
Tony: Hey, this is how you deal with getting shot at?
Abby: I don't know it's my first time.

Kill Ari: Part 2 [3.2]

Ari Haswari: (about to shoot Gibbs) Sorry to spoil your...(Ziva shoots Ari in the head)

Gibbs: From now on; we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Marines.
Abby: Golf, India, Bravo, Bravo, Sierra? (Gibbs in NATO alphabet)
Gibbs: What is it, Abbs?
Abby: Can I please go back to my lab; I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Fine, but-
Abby: I know, no leaving the building!
(Gibbs nods his approval as the elevator doors close between him and Abby)
Abby Bravo, Yankee, Echo (Bye in NATO alphabet)

Tony: Thanks for the pizza, boss.
Gibbs: Thank the night shift... I swiped it from them

McGee: You want me to go with you boss?
Gibbs: No, Tony's out, stay with Abby.
Abby: (To McGee, referring to the 'no leaving the building' order) For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building!

Tony: Okay, get this. I pretend like I'm this real goofy guy trying to get...
Gibbs: Pretend?!

Tony: Looked enough like Ziva to be her sister. Real pretty.
Gibbs: Maybe she is. Mossad's like the Mafia, one big happy family.

Jen: I can't believe this. I've been Director less than 24 hours and I'm back on the street.
Gibbs: It's great, huh?
Jen: No, Jethro, it isn't.
Gibbs: Come on. Come on, you love it.
Jen: Truthfully? I'd rather be in bed. Sleeping.

Tony: How long have you known I was...?
Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.
Tony: I don't think so.
Ziva: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station waggon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on...
Tony: Okay, okay. You knew.
Ziva: (Handing him a cup of coffee) Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.
Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
Ziva: Our training?
Tony: Modesty.

Tony: (Referring to Ziva telling him about her sister's death) Is that why you joined Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
Tony: Family tradition?
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Illicit lesbian lover.

Gerald: (referring to stripping the gears on Ducky's Morgan) I've never driven a stick.
Abby: Are you serious?
McGee: What, you can drive a stick?
Abby: Yeah, since I was like 10.
Gerald: What were you driving when you were 10?
Abby: A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.
McGee: Bubba?
Abby: Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Mind Games [3.3]

Boone: He's carving your name on her back right now.
Gibbs: Game's over. Back to the death row.
Boone: Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?
Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself? (Paula Cassidy enters the corridor).
Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.
Tony: He's kinda dead.
Gibbs: Enjoy hell.

Abby: (while McGee is ignoring her) McGee? I'm pregant ... twins ... haven't told the father yet ... it's Gibbs ... it's something about this silvery hair that gets me all tingley.
Tony: Excuse me, I think I'm gonna go throw up.
Abby: I'm joking Tony except for the part about Gibb's hair.
Tony: What seems to be the problem Abs?
Abby: Mcgee's ignoring me!
Tony: Easily fixable (slaps McGee on the back of his head)
McGee: Ow! What was that for?
Tony: Don't ignore Abby - She's sensitive.

Silver War [3.4]

(Gibbs and DiNozzo run into graveyard, woman is on the ground with knife in her chest, Ziva is standing over 2 inert suspects)
DiNozzo: Remind me never to piss her off.
Gibbs: You have no idea...

Gibbs: I trust you, you know that, but when we leave this elevator...
Ziva: You'll start kicking my butt.
Gibbs: I don't kick butt. (He slaps her on the head lightly)

Jen: Something I can help you with this morning, special agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yeah, I've got a personnel issue, you know anything about that?
Jen: I take it Ziva arrived a few days early? Right. Before we get into this, I'm in a need of refill. (Gibbs takes her cup and fills it with coffee from his own). That was sweet. Not necessarily sanitary.
Gibbs: What is she doing here, Jen?
Jen: If we're go into fight and global war with terror, we need to be close to our allies.
Gibbs: That's good, put her to somebody else's team.
Jen: I want her with you, Jethro.
Gibbs: Mossad trained her to spy and kill, not to investigate crime scenes. Sent her to the CIA.
Jen: Just to be clear. This is not a request or a debate, agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Anything else you want to change about my team, while I'm here?
Jen: Look, if anything, you're lucky to have her. She's one of the finest agents I have ever worked with in Europe.
Gibbs: Why didn't you ask me first, Jen?
Jen: And what would you have said? Exactly. Number 18: "It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission".
Gibbs: Oh, that's really nice, using the rules I've taught you against me. Nice touch.
Jen: I learned from the best, Jethro. I want Ziva to as well.

Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: (Pulls out a magazine) GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: (Pulling out the same magazine, but Israeli edition) I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page 57. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: (Nods and grins, then opens the magazine on said page) I... I was said it was urban legend...

McGee: (After he and Ziva were pushed into the fountain) Gibbs is gonna kill me.
Ziva: Look on the bright side, McGee. At least I'm clean again.

Gibbs: Miss David?
Ziva: I'm wondering why there is a nine-milimeter hole in my hat...
Gibbs: Ventilation?

Switch [3.5]

Ducky: I hope you brought more appropriate footwear Mr. Palmer. The journey to our petty officer looks rather challenging.
Jimmy: Don't worry doctor, I have a merit badge in hiking.
Ducky: I have a driver's license Mr Palmer. It doesn't mean I turn up at the Indianapolis in my Morgan.

Ducky: Actually I found the ladies tend to be sympathetic towards visible injury.
Jimmy: Really?
Ducky: Yes my first year in college, I suffered an unfortunate injury to my testicles. The excruciating pain was offset by an impressive swelling, which Ramona Kincaid, bless her heart, found extremely fascinating.

Gibbs: I'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo.
Abby: You wouldn't! (Gibbs glares) You would?
Gibbs: It wont be on the head.

The Voyeur's Web [3.6]

Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale's day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody elses junk?
Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Ziva: In Israel we have a saying. 'Zevel ze zevel'. 'Crap is crap'.

Tony: If things get hairy just follow my lead.
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?

Honor Code [3.7]

Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think to have any of your own?
Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?

Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation let alone a parking ticket and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.
Tony: The saying is spic and span. Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactally is span then?
Tony: Span is uh... I'll get back to you on that.

Under Covers [3.8]

Ducky: There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
Tony: I wasn't counting.
Ziva: 7 times.
Tony: She was of course.
Ziva: It was hard not to.

Ziva: Good plan... except from one thing.
Tony: What is that?
Ziva: As soon as I leave, they most likely put a bullet through your head.
Tony: Well... I didn't say the plan was perfect.

Ziva: There is a big chance that this is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited.

[About the pregnancy of Ziva's undercover character]
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why do this job risking to lose the baby?
Ziva: Maybe she needed the money.
Tony: Yeah, kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap.

Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father!

Jen: Sorry, Jethro, I'm a little tired.
Gibbs: Well, yeah, you never could pace yourself very well.
Jen: I have one word for you, Jethro. Positano.
Gibbs: Come on! That was a week after I took a bullet.
Jen: Mhm...

Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us.

Frame-Up [3.9]

Abby: (raises hands as if in prayer) For a second, I lost my faith in... But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And I will rise up, and I will find the man that did this to Tony, and I will crucify him!

Abby: (Pointing at Chip hampered and muffled at the floor) Now can I work alone?

Probie [3.10]

Tony: The first time I shot someone... I wet my pants.
(McGee laughs)
Tony: If you tell anyone, I'll slap you.

Jen: What are you thinking about?
Gibbs: Paris.
Jen: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.

Tony: (Referring to Ziva teasing him) You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?
Ziva: Oh... Yes.

Tony: (on the phone to sperm bank) DiNozzo, big D, little I, big N, little ozzo.

Model Behavior [3.11]

Jen: (On the phone to Gibbs) Gibbs, where are you?
Gibbs: (Opening Director's office door behind Jen) Right behind you.
Jen: I really hate it when you do that. (She hangs up)

Gibbs: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.
Jen: You're going to apologize?
Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner.

Boxed In [3.12]

Ziva: Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...
McGee: Where are you going?
Ziva: I've been locked in a box all day. The ladies' room!

Tony: Hey, if this thing goes off...
Ziva: This is not your fault, I know.
Tony: No, I was going to say... your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.

Tony: (After Ziva tried to shoot the way out and the bullet ricocheted). Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.
Tony: Don't.
Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?

Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?
Ziva: I'm bra-less
Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.

Ziva: I can't tell where we are going.
Tony: There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train -
Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like those homos in those old movies
Tony: Hobos! Not homos.

Deception [3.13]

Tony: (When Ziva is aiming at a security officer with her gun) Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, officer David?
Ziva: He called me dirtbag.

Abby:(to Gibbs) Thank you sir.
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you ma'am.

Light Sleeper [3.14]

Gibbs: (On crack in a wall found by Ziva) Sign of an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.
Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wing nuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss.

Tony: Like my father always said, be careful who you marry Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac.
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.

Head Case [3.15]

Ziva: (to Dinozzo) I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.
Gibbs: only Naomi and I call him that!

Jen: (To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case) Something wrong?
Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.
Jen: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."
Tony: "...can't hurt him".
Jen: No. "Can't hurt us".

Ziva: My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Sean Oliver was protecting was...
Gibbs: Sean Oliver.
Ziva: Tony and McGee are picking her up.
Gibbs: Not bad, officer David.
Ziva: Well, I do what I can.
Gibbs: When you see the director, thank her for me.

Jen: (Looking through two-way mirror at Sean Oliver sitting in the interrogation room) Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.

Family Secret [3.16]

Tony: That wasn't the way it looked boss.
Gibbs: I know. I know.
Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying-
Gibbs: McGee next
McGee: It wasn't-
Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
Tony: Well I -
Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.

Ravenous [3.17]

McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.
Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Rileys missing girlfriend.

Abby (to Ziva): Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee - I think they were having sex
Ziva (incredulously): Tony and McGee?

Gibbs: (leaving for search for the killer in the forest) Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.
Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited...
Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. (he's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay)
Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Ziva: (Referring to the obligation the probies have to witness an autopsy). We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy? (One of the probies vomits).
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: (Walking in) It depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

Bait [3.18]

Tony: Just want to let you know that special agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.
Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.
Tony: All right. I'm going.
Marine: How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom's dead?
Tony: I already did. Agent Todd is dead.

Iced [3.19]

Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?
Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?
Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.

Untouchable [3.20]

Tony: (To Ziva) Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor complains about the noise.
Ziva: What... her shouting 'no means no!'? Actually I have the same problem.
Tony: Oh do you?
Ziva: (To Tony) I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer'.

Tony: (Reffering to Leiutenant Napleton's testimony) I don't believe it.
Ziva: She appears to be telling the truth.
Tony: No. I mean the part about her having a boyfriend.
Ziva: Oh...
Tony: Come on.

Bloodbath [3.21]

Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer coats his cocaine with potasium cyanide?
McGee: One that doesn't care about repeat business.

Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me Abby?
Abby: Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Abby: Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; it fell out in your car.
McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.
Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby: It's a lady bug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Jana Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.
McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
McGee: Where are you going?
Abby: To get my toothbrush.
McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.
Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.

Abby (drunk in Gibb's basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm so depressed; I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. And tomorrow; I'm going to have to battle a hangover while some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

Abby: ...Because sometimes I just get the feeling that this - this is all my fault...
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How can you say that to me; Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective lunatic does not mean this is my fault. It's not my fault...It's not my fault. It's not my fault. Wait a minute - it's not my fault.

Jeopardy [3.22]

Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Ducky: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.
Jimmy: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.

Hiatus: Part 1 [3.23]

Abby: What are you not telling me?
McGee: What do you mean?
Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
McGee: What?
Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.
McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
Abby: The Director hasn't called.
Ziva: About?
Abby: About?! Gibbs!
Ziva: Oh...
Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...
Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
Abby: What if they were?!
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. Tim looks shoked).

Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.

Abby: Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts!

Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened. (Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time) Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake. (Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands) There we go. That wasn't so tough. Was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on. (They hug) Now a deep tongue kiss. (Both women hit Tony) Now we feel better.

Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.

Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

Hiatus: Part 2 [3.24]

Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...
Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.

Tony: My gut tells me we're missing something.
Ziva: Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.

(Gibbs saying this to the guy who won't stop the ship to find and stop a bomb)
Gibbs: Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!

(Gibbs informs the Director and the team that he is quitting)
Gibbs: You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
McGee: I won't.
Abby: Gibbs... (Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek)
Gibbs: I owe you, Ziva.
Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.

Season 4

Shalom [4.1]

Ziva: Ever been tied up by a woman before? (chuckles) Did you like it? Then today's not your lucky day.

Tony: What did I tell you about worrying Probie?
Agent Lee: That it's your job.
Tony: See... you're learning.

Tony: (over the phone after Abby gives up Ziva's number) Ziva.
Ziva: Tell Abby I'm gonna kill her.
Tony: We love you too.

McGee: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for murder?
Tony: Yes it is. Thank you for bringing up a painful memory, McGee.

Tony: That's not my point! Six months ago you were convinced that I killed a woman and chopped off her legs!
Sacks: Well, I'm still not convinced that you didn't.
Tony: Exactly.
Sacks: So, Ziva David is being framed... by who?
Tony: Well, that's what I intend to find out.
Sacks: Hah! Good luck with that.

Tony: Who was that?
Abby: Nuns...who I bowl with..
Abby: I talked with Ziva.
Tony: You don't bowl with nuns. Argh, I should have seen this coming.
Abby: No, I do. Ziva made me promise not to tell.
Ducky Why would Ziva care we knew you bowled with nuns?

Escaped [4.2]

Singled Out [4.3]

Ziva: Remove your hand or I'll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it.

Ziva: Don't move. Drop your weapon! Or, if you'd prefer, I can shoot you in the spine. Would you rather be a para- or quadriplegic?

Faking It [4.4]

Gibbs: Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs
Abby: Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65 That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?
Gibbs: Enlighten Me
Abby: 3.5 Billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars that's a lot of pennies in any language.
Gibbs: Including Russian?
Abby: No Russians don't have pennies...

Gibbs: Abby said the signal dropped out. That probably puts him at the outside edge of the reception area of that tower.
McGee: That's pretty clever, Boss. How'd you figure that out?
Gibbs: Too much time around you.

Gibbs: (about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst) Check the log who booked it out last?
Tony: The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.
Gibbs: Who's the NIS case agent?
Tony: (pulls up the file) What time is it in Mexico right now?
Gibbs: Cantina Time.

Abby: Hi Ducky! A penny for your thoughts. Or 3 and a half billion pennies.

Gibbs: You enjoy your tour?
Franks: Yeah, this place is like a video arcade. You have more technology in one room than we had in every office across the whole damn country. You know, if I needed to interrogate someone when I worked at Camp Benedict, I'd take him into the broom closet with a telephone directory. (puts a cigarette in his mouth)
Gibbs: No telephone dictory. No broom closet. (grabs the cigarette) And no smoking.
Franks: Another three reasons why I left just in time.

[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]
McGee: Well, we could toss a coin (Ziva gives him a look) Or not. All right, give me some gloves.
Ziva: You didn't pack the gloves.
McGee: I thought you packed the gloves.
Ziva: (laughs) I didn't pack the gloves.

[a paramedic is tending to a cut of the back of Tonys head]
Gibbs: How is he?
Paramedic: He'll live
Tony: Well, I've been hit harder, Boss. By you.

(Gibbs hangs up on his cell phone)
Tony: Jenny?
Gibbs: (suspiciously) Jenny? Just how cozy did you two get while I was away?
Tony: (laughs nervously) Boy, that knock to the head must have been harder than I thought cause I'm saying crazy things even I don't understand! (nods towards paramedic) Think she's single?
Gibbs: (turning to the paramedic) He's fine.

McGee: Ziva thinks that all men are liars.
Tony: Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?
Ziva: (laughs) Particularly you.
Tony: You think?
McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Tony: Oh, watch and weep. True or false. I had eggs for breakfast this morning.
Ziva: True.
Tony: Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.
Ziva: False.
Tony: She's good. My first car was a shiny new red corvet.
Ziva: False. Strike three. I win.

Dead And Unburied [4.5]

Jody: ...and I can only think of one explaination. It was the hand of God!
Ziva: (to Tony) Can Gibbs arrest God?
Tony: I don't know it's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Ziva: I feel like the donckeys butt.

Ziva: She was trying to rat on us!
Tony: Rabbit.

Ziva: (Looking at Tony and McGee without shirts on) Wow, it's just like Chippendale's... without the bow ties or muscles.

Witch Hunt [4.6]

Ziva: Then where is Laurie Niles, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Last time I saw her, with you.
Ziva: Okay, I admit I screwed that one up. But why did she run?
Gibbs: She was hiding something.
Ziva: So you do agree with me?
Gibbs: Oh, yeah. You definitely screwed up.

A guy at the Halloween party: (When NCIS is stroming in) Great group costume, guys, but, uh... you spelled CSI wrong on your hats.

Gibbs: (after Tony walks in and sees Laurie Niles punching her sister) Turns out Laurie Niles doesn't have a sister

DiNozzo: [After McGee indentifies a car from Grand Theft Auto III] McGeek with the save.

Sandblast [4.7]

Tony: (Walking up to Ziva, Gibbs and Lt. Col. Mann) Did I miss something?
Ziva: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Once A Hero [4.8]

Tony: (to Gibbs about Agent Lee) She's more probie than even Probie!

Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now do you?
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!

Nelson: Do I need a lawyer?
Gibbs: Only if you're feeling guilty.

Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.
Tony: There is?

Jeanne: I know something else we could do to stay warm.
Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?
Jeanne: Dancing!

Gibbs: DiNozzo, stop eating the evidence.

Twisted Sister [4.9]

Tony: That was quick.
Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. (handing Gibbs the camera) You wouldn't mind taking a ... (responding to Gibbs disapproving look) Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.
Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.

Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is.
Ziva: I thought it was called a "blog" but then again my English is often wrong.

Abby: (About floor mat in taxi) I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.
Tony: Niozoprine? (Smells it and gags)
Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

Tony: (Seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs) And here I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.

Tony: (to Jeanne Benoit) If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

Gibbs: Ah there you are Jen I've been looking all over for you.
Jen: I thought since we were short on Agents Abby could use some help.
Gibbs: The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
Jen: Well there is no use getting the rest of us sick
Abby: (Mimicking the director and Gibbs)Before you send one of my team home you clear it with me first. I didn't know I needed your permission to handle my personnel. Your personnel. The last time I checked it said Director on my door. (Looking up at Gibbs and Jen) The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.

Smoked [4.10]

Tony: (to Ziva) You know, I think McGee is really starting to nail your essence, Ziva; (In a low voice from McGee's book) Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Moussad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tomm... You're right behind me aren't you.
Ziva: Lucky guess. (Tony grunts) You know, I think McGee is right.
Tony: He was, was he.
Ziva: It takes all of my will to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I give in.
Tony: And by "give in", you mean...
Ziva: The thing that comes naturally to me, but my father would not approve.
Tony: Why? Because I'm not Jewish?
Ziva: (Laughing) Because he doesn't like it when I kill my co-workers.

Driven [4.11]

Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworkers hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...
Abby: (raises hand)
Woman: Yep?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?! (everyone mutters no)
Abby: I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like every time?
Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.
Ziva: (licks Tony's ear causing him to stand up in suprise)
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this (slaps McGee's head and McGee slaps back) Would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
Tony: (glances at Gibbs) No just wondering, that's all.
Palmer: (raises hand)
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: What if your job includes touching naked people...
Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead?
Woman: Why are you touching dead naked people?!
Palmer: I work in Autopsy.

Suspicion [4.12]

Tariq: You're a jew.
Ziva: Yes.
Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, than.
Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.
Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?
Ziva: At least in our lifetime.
Sherif's deputy: (Walking in) Oh, cozy.
Ziva: Can I help you?
Sherif's deputy: (To Tariq) You know, couple of more inches to your right and our martyr here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you go to blow yourself up just to get lucky. (Ziva twists his arm) Owah!
Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.
Sherif's deputy: (Quietly) Sorry.
Ziva: I don't think he heard you.
Sherif's deputy: I'm sorry.
Tariq: Apology accepted.
Gibbs: (Walking in) There a problem.
Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.

Sharif Returns [4.13]

Lt. Col. Mann: Before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?

Blowback [4.14]

Ziva: That's Ares?
Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!
Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.
Tony: My sphincter doesn't.
Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: Tony it's the size of an ATM!

Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: I like my description better.

Ducky: [On a person who died climbing stairs] Rigorous for some. Rigor mortis for him.

Friends & Lovers [4.15]

[Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]
Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?
Tony: I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?
Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.

[Tony throws a knife and hits the target dead on]
Tony: Five summers at Camp Pocequatic. Was also a pretty mean clogger. (realizes what he said) That doesn't leave this room.
Ziva: Nobody cares that you spent your summers prancing around in little wooden shoes.
Tony: The term is dancing.
[McGee takes his turn and the knife bounces off the target]
Tony: (laughs) Math Camp?
McGee: Chess, but at least I didn't wear man clogs.
[Agent Lee concentrating very hard takes her turn and her knife goes flying backwards narrowly missing Gibbs who just entered the room]
Ziva: (whispering) I thought you said you grew up around weapons.
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them.

Ducky: (collecting maggots off a corpse) The larval stage of the musca domestica, the common house fly. A nuisance to most, but invaluable to the trained investigator.
Palmer: Not to mention a great source of protein. (receives a funny look) I saw it on the Discovery Channel. A documentary on survival training.
Ducky: As I was saying, they should prove helpful in determining the time of death, unless of course my assistant decides to eat them first.

Gibbs: McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.
McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.
Ziva: You're afraid of bugs McGee?
McGee: Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.
Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.
McGee: How'd you get over it.
Ziva: I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.
Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?
Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?
McGee: You challenged it to a duel.
Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here.

(After seeing bloody writing on a piece of evidence)
DiNozzo: Well, that's creepy
Gibbs: You think, DiNozzo?

Director: Whats the problem?
Gibbs: Jurisdiction issues with metro Police.
Lee: They're insisting on a warrant.
Gibbs: And this... (motioning to Lee) legal person won't give me one.
Lee: I tried, Director, we don't have probable cause, I can't get a judge to sign off on it.
Gibbs: We have a dead sailor. We have a killer leaving us messages in human blood.
Lee: But we need to get a warrant, Sir. Not Sir, Gibbs, Special, Special Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: (to Director) Where did you find her?
Director: Harvard Law School.

Jenny: Don't take it personally, Michelle.
Lee: He's right.
Jenny: He usually is. That's what makes him so damn irritating.

Gibbs: We're going in.
Tony: You got a warrant?
Gibbs: No but we got someone rich and famous.
Tony: (watching monitor) McGeek?
Gibbs: No a very famous novelist. Thom E. Gemcity
John: Who?
Tony: Don't ask John, I'd vomit explaining.

[after McGee has been confirm as a celebrity by the doorman]
Tony: I've gotta write a book.
Gibbs: You should read one first.

(While Ziva, Tim, Abby and Michelle are going to the club under cover)
Ziva: Can you please pretend you want to be here with us?
Lee: I'm trying. P. S., I don't know where your Sig is, but I'm having trouble walking.

Dead Man Walking [4.16]

Skeletons [4.17]

Abby (to McGee; holding a dollar bill and a candy bar): Give me a dollar.
McGee: What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine won't take it. And I want a candy bar!
McGee: ...What's wrong with that candy bar, Abs?
Abby: It had nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat...
Abby: I know! It was a mistake McGee!
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat...
McGee: Actually' that's the filling of a Clowny cake.
Abby: That is a myth, McGee! Do you have a dollar?
McGee: ...All I have are big bills...
Abby (screaming): Does anybody have a dollar?!
Tony: Sure; I've got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: It's like some kind of crime not to like nougat...
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!?
Gibbs:it's a cream made of sugar honey and nuts.
(walking past Ziva)

McGee: Ok; did you see what just happened?
Tony: Yeah. She took my dollar.

Iceman [4.18]

Grace Period [4.19]

Cover Story [4.20]

McGee: (Pointing to a ping-pong table with beer cups on the corners) What's that?
Tony: Beer pong. Tell me you've played beer pong, McGee.
McGee: Nope. Never.
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
Mcgee: Study

Ducky: From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Gibbs: Army what? McGee?
McGee: (Confused) Lieutenant. Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Brothers In Arms [4.21]

Tony: I sure wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall up there.
(Ziva looks at Tony confused)
Tony: Never mind.

In The Dark [4.22]

Trojan Horse [4.23]

Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like love you, love you. Not that I don't love you, beacuse I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.
McGee: I could have done without that comparison.
Abby: But I love puppies.

Angel Of Death [4.24]

Gibbs: What were you doing for 21 hours Jenny?
Jenny: What we used to do, ever so well.
Gibbs: When you lie your right eye twitches. It always has.

(to Fornell about their shared ex-wife)
Gibbs: You still dream about O.J.-ing Diane?

Fornell: Diane looked that pissed at you after the divorce?
Gibbs: She's looking at me, Tobias.
Fornell: Ever think of picking up a phone?
Gibbs: Hard lines, they're tapped, cell phones calls, snatched right out of the air.
Fornell: Turning into a conspiracy nut Jethro, whats next, alien abductions?
Gibbs: Only if you don't answer my question.

Jenny: Is the Agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?
Cynthia: Mmm, we survived.
Jenny: (Laughs) Did Gibbs?
Cynthia: Barely.

Cynthia: Welcome home Director. How was the Interpol conference?
Jenny: Fine, full of Euro cops trying to hook up with me - and no, I didn't.
Cynthia: Oh, I wasn't wondering-
Jenny: I would if I were you, now get in Cynthia.

Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?
Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.
Gibbs: How would you know?

Gibbs: When you look at me like that, McGee, I get this over-whelming urge to head slap you.

Annie: They're like that in their first year. The good ones usually take a while to develop calluses.
Tony: I don't think Jeanne will ever be like that, Ann (leaves).
Annie: Love. (Shakes her head)

Devon: But I can't walk!
Nick: That's why they made chairs with those wheely things on them.
Bernie: Ooo! Wheelchair!

Ducky: Unless you're a spy.
Ziva: Why're you looking at me?!
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.

Gibbs: Why are you torturing McGee?
Abby: I'm not, I'm preping him for his polygraph test on Monday.

Abby: (Walking into her lab, to her computers and devices) Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, I know you guys have been working really hard lately, and I promised that you could have the weekend off, but this sounds like an emergency, so I need everybody to get those electrons flowing! If anybody is not up to it, I need to know now, not when the Director arrives. Something's wrong. (Walks up to her stereo and turns up music. Heads back to her computer, breathes in deeply) Ready.

Season 5

Bury Your Dead [5.1]

Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call.
McGee: (momentary pause) But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.

Ziva: Teams do not have secrets, Gibbs.

Abby: That's OK. It's not the first time I've woken up on the floor. Not just this floor. Um, not that I make it a habit of passing out on floors, and not that this is a really comfortable floor, if I had to... I'm awake now.

Ziva: Tony DiNardo. Cute.

Rene Benoit: Children want to believe the best of their parents. I'm sure you believe your father is a good man, hmm?
Tony: He was.
Rene Benoit: Still love has a way of blinding us to the... imperfections.
Tony: It's still love.

Jenny: His cover is teaching film online in American university.
Ziva: Tony, a teacher?
McGee: No wonder he's been compromised. Who's bright idea was that?
Jenny: Mine.

Gibbs: How deep is his cover?
Jenny: Deep enough to withstand the sort of scrutiny La Grenouille can bring to bear.
Gibbs: You better hope so.

Ducky: Shockwave would've killed him before the fire. Death would have been instantaneous. Small mercies, my dear boy...

Ducky: She blames herself.
Gibbs: ...
Ducky: Should she?
Gibbs: Let me know when you've finished, Duck.

Abby: Director Shepard swore me to secrecy, when she brought those in and asked me to run them for prints, so I can't tell you.
Gibbs: Any other secrets you can't tell me?
Abby: No. Just that one. Because, when Director Shepard said there wasn't an AFIS match, then tried to hide the results from me, she actually didn't swear me to secrecy, so that, is not a secret.

Gibbs: Subject displayed emotional instability suggesting delusional belief her father isn't dead. Next question, do we just put her on medical leave or we fire her?

Gibbs: You may wanna skip that polygraph test Monday.

McGee: Just because we found his ID, doesn't mean it's Tony.
Ziva: His car. His ID. His weapon. Both of his cellphones, McGee?

Ducky: This man, has never had the plague. He's never had the plague.
Jimmy: So, he, has never had the plague.
Ducky: He never had the damn plague!

Trent Kort: Where is he?
Jenny: It depends on who "he" is.
Trent Kort: DiNozzo.
Jenny: I honestly don't know, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you until you explained to me why you're looking for him so urgently.

Gibbs: Mislaid your arms dealer, that's gotta be embarassing.

Trent Kort: I don't know what NCIS is up to, but I want a private briefing in your office, now.
Jenny: I'll decide what briefing you get and where you get it, Mr Kort, and if you have a problem with that, why don't you have your director give me a call?

Tony: Hey! My car blew up this morning, did you do that?

Tony: What, no balloons?

Tony: That was more exciting live.
Jenny: You saw it? You were there?
Tony: Saw it. Heard it. Felt it.

Tony: And we have certainly pissed off the Agency a lot lately. Well, the Director and I, have pissed off the Agency a lot lately. Although, mainly me.

Jenny: What did Jeanne say?
Tony: Nothing I'm gonna to tell you
Jenny: Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: Nothing you need to know, Director.

McGee: What was that for?
Tony: Believing I was dead.
McGee: Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.
Ziva: Don't even think about the headslap.

Abby: Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!
Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener!

Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
Abby: Palmer.
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky. Hey Ducky!
Ducky: My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!

Rene Benoit: Hello, Jenny.

Jenny: You wanna chase after him right now and arrest him without a warrant, you go right ahead. But we both know the courts will have him out by morning.
Gibbs: Then get a damn warrant.
Jenny: You get a warrant!

Tony: You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: They ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out.
Tony: Mine found out.

McGee: We'll catch up with him eventually.
Ziva: Someone will.
Gibbs: One day.

Family [5.2]

Ziva: I'm just being curious.
McGee: About when I lost my virginity.
Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it.

Ziva: [Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And, actually working?
Tony: I can hear, you know.

Ziva: I am here if you'd like to talk.
Tony: About what?
Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.
Tony: I'm fine, Ziva.
Ziva: All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.
Tony: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
McGee: You put superglue on my keyboard!

Tony: [Disgustedly looking at pictures of a male stripper in an old woman's home] My god. It's like Cocoon meets Dirty Dancing. Wonder if Ducky has dreams like this. Gibbs probably isn't too far behind. He's standing right behind me, isn't he? Sorry about that boss.
Gibbs: Gonna be your dreams one day, too, DiNozzo.

McGee: The more I think about it, the more I can't believe we fell for it. Tony with a girlfriend.
Ziva: I believe he had real feelings for her, McGee.
McGee: I don't doubt that; did you see what she looks like?

[Tony answers a call:]
Tony: Very special agent Anthony DiNozzo, boy who cried wolf and who must now suffer periodontal disease for it.

Tony : 20 bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.
(Mcgee starts going on about some computer stuff)
Gibbs  : You can't help yourself, can you McGee?

Ex-File [5.3]

[McGee is listening to a computer lecture]
Voice over computer: [Through headphones] Becoming an alpha male means that, without saying a word, you're able to project confidence and sexuality simply through your body language.
[McGee turns to see Gibbs standing next to him. He quickly removes the earphones]
McGee: MIT lecture. Nothing I can't listen to on my own time.

Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died. But contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.

Identity Crisis [5.4]

Ziva: Did you get her number?
Tony: Who, Courtney? No.
Ziva: I did.

[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]
Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd. They're working dogs.

Tony: So, what's the favorite?
Ziva: The Pit Bull.
Tony: For you, I can believe that. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?

Leap of Faith [5.5]

[At Dr. Fleming's office; Tony is playing around with a switch signaling Dr. Fleming is busy]
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your Acrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.
McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?
Tony: I might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]
Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[Both begin fighting over the phone]
Dr. Fleming: Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.
Tony: On the phone?
Dr. Fleming: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?
McGee: [Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]
Tony: It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.
McGee: Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.
Tony: [Stands] Very special agents.

[Abby sits at Gibbs' desk at night while no one else is there]
Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs. [Normally, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep.

Chimera [5.6]

[Tony is shooting straw wrappers at Ziva through a straw]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [Shoots another straw wrapper at her]

Abby: You guys okay?
McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: [Appears on-screen] Them.

Tony: [After inhaling a blood sample that contained a contagious disease] I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Firey explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.

Requiem [5.7]

Designated Target [5.8]

Ziva: You're xenophobic.
Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Lost and Found [5.9]

Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.

(Ziva and Tony are fighting over a map and who's going to be the navigator.)
Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.
Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm the senior field agent. I'm pulling ranks.
Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.

(While searching the woods at night).
Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!
Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!
Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...
Ziva: Hey!
Tony: Backpack!

Gibbs: Why don't you come and meet your new house guest?
Jenny: Mhm. Guaranteed he's better than the last.
(Jen looks at the case folder Gibbs gave to her)
Jenny: Jethro? This is a case report, not a custody transfer.
Gibbs: Must have grabbed the wrong folder.
Jenny: Go figure!

Corporal Punishment [5.10]

Tony: (About Gibbs to Karen Sutherland) In case you were wondering, he doesn't really care about the medals. I keep his in a drawer.

Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Listen up, ladies and gentlemen. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.
Ziva: It's been three hours.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles an hour.
Ziva: He's in a car.
Tony: What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Worth.
McGee: [To Tony] That speech... every time we have a fugitive?

Tony: [On Pain Killers] My fingers... are finging.

Tribes [5.11]

Stakeout [5.12]

Tony: (After McGee brought him some breakfast) Come on! I said scrambled! You haven't gotten a single order right in four days.
McGee: They're eggs. Eat 'em.
Tony: Well, I don't like sunny-side up. Sunny-side up oozes. They look like eyes. They're looking at ya. I bet your burrito's just the way you like it.
McGee: You want your eggs scrambled? (He picks up the box with the eggs and shakes it vigorously). They're scrambled.

Dog Tags [5.13]

Abby: (To the dog, kindly) Good doggie. (To McGee, angrily) Bad McGee!

Internal Affairs [5.14]

(In Jenny's office, she sat at her desk being "watched" by a female FBI Agent and then the man from interrogation walks in.)
Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.
Leon: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.
Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents or do you already have a suspect?
(He just smirked and Jenny smirked back.)
Jenny: Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?
(Leon said nothing, she opened her drawer, took out her gun and badge and laid them on the desk, then stood up.)
Leon: Director Shepard you are relieved of your duties and are suspended.

In The Zone [5.15]

Recoil [5.16]

Ziva: (At the copy machine) Die, you stupid machine!

About Face [5.17]

Judgment Day [5.18,19]

Tony: (After talking on the phone with Jenny) Paperwork got a deep voice.
Ziva: She is with a man, it doesn't mean that she sleeps with him.
Tony: You're right. I'm sure they're tag-teaming the paperwork.
Ziva: She's hiding something from us.
Tony: Yes, it's called a sex life. Maybe if you had one, you would feel a little more understanding.
Ziva: (Laughs) Oo, I could tell you stories...

Season 6

Last Man Standing [6.01]

Agent Afloat [6.02]

Capitol Offence [6.03]

Tony: Now I'm officially curious.

Heartland [6.04]

Ziva & McGee: Gibbs has a father!!!
Tony & Abby: Tell me everything!!!

Shannon: (in the flashbacks) Everyone needs a code they can live by.

Nine Lives [6.05]

Abby: (referring to spreading mould) Give the guys a bit of privacy.

Gibbs: You're enjoying yourself, Abs?
Abby: Yes!!! (looking at Gibbs) But you're not...

Tim: I've got something, boss. Kales illness..... Well I don't have Kales illness. But Kale does.

Tony: (to McGee) What are you McDoing? [...] Thought you already McDid that...

Tony: Probably best, we hang back.
Ziva: Same thing I was thinking!
Tim: Couldn’t agree more!

Fornell: (to Gibbs) You never lost a witness? – Don’t answer that!

Tony: Here you go.
Fornell: Whats that?
Tony: My locksmith, he’s really good with bathroom windows!

Murder 2.0 [6.06]

Tony: (referring to the serial killer) Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child.

Tony: What do we got, boss?
Gibbs: What do we got? We got a.... good question, DiNozzo!

Tony: My mother isn’t quite herself today... Psycho.
Ziva: You certainly have your moments!
Tony: A Movie, Ziva.
Tony: Blood, Blood!
Ziva: Psycho!
Gibbs: He has his moments.

Tim: (referring to the Numa Numa Guy) Haa, I love this guy!

Palmer: A missing brain, and so close to halloween, that enough to make you wanna..... (looks up) ....go, clean some pipettes.

Gibbs: Post mortem?
Ducky: Judging by the (intracutaneous haemorrhaging?) I believe the entire cerebro was removed when he was still alive. Unconscious, of course, but alive, until, of course, he wasn’t.

Tony: Hey, you haven’t forgot about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?
Ziva: Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!
Tony: What are friends for?!

Tony: Everything okay, boss? You seem kind of than usual.

Tony: Nice girl, wasn’t my type though.
Ziva: Really? She was breathing!
Tony: Oh I have standards, Ziva otherwise I’d be dating you!

Collateral Damage [6.07]

Ziva: (referring to the theory that the bank robbery was a cover-up for a murder) I do not understand. If you want someone dead, you knock on their door. They answer, you shoot them. Easy.
McGee: For some.

Ducky: Dwayne Wilson...
Gibbs: He’s a baby agent.
Ducky: And I’m looking at his personal report, because...?
Gibbs: That’s your thing!
Ducky: My thing...! A, I take it that Agent Wilson is alife.
Gibbs: Oh yeah.
Ducky: So you don’t want me to do an autopsy, which leaves my other thing!

McGee: No, you went back to far.
Ziva: I got it.
McGee: No, you went back to far.
Ziva: That’s why I’m going fast forward now.
McGee: Hey, just... let me do ist. Let me do it! Please? Okay? You handle this like you handle your car!
Ziva: And if you want to handle anything ever again remove your hand from my mouse!

Cloak [6.08]

Tim: We have to ask you this: DID you order the body?
Soldier: (chuckles) No we did not.

Ziva: What is this place?
Soldier: It’s Classified.
Tony: Classified... what have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? (...) That only leaves one thing.
Ziva and Tim: Unicorn!

Soldier: How many trucks you guys got?
Tony: Well, you already met Widowwoman and Spidermike here....

Ziva: (when she and Tony ran and hid in a small room and a soldier passed the door) Stop breathing!

Ducky: Presently I can’t help notice a lack of contentment.
Gibbs: I didn’t come down here to get my head shrunk.
Ducky: What did you come for?
Gibbs: Just killing time...
Ducky: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?

Ziva: Which makes the file unstealable.
Gibbs: Well – we’re gonne steal it.

Tony: Oh, I think I got it!
Tim: We’re not digging a tunnel!
Ziva: Or building a catapult!

Tony: I’m sensing some reservation.
Gibbs: Ducky.
Tim: Yeah, we need to ask him if we could borrow a body.
Gibbs: Don’t.
Ziva: It is the only way.
Gibbs: Don’t ask. Just take it. He’ll say no.

(Tim walks out of the elevator, going right; Tony pulls him to the left)
Tony: Follow me!
Tim: Okay, but only because I was already going this way!

Tony: It’s dinner theatre for the audience of one!

Tim: Wonder what they are doing up there.
Tony: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby: Tony!
Tim: Oh, that’s treason, Abby.
Abby: McGeeeehee.
Tony: What else can they do? There’s no way, she walks out of here.
Ziva: No way!
Lee: Good night everyone! (walks out)


Mark Harmon - Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs
Michael Weatherly - Special Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo
Sasha Alexander (2003-2005) - Special Agent Catlin "Kate" Todd
Cote de Pablo (2005-Present) - Mossad Officer Ziva David
Sean Murray - Special Agent Timothy McGee
Pauley Perrette - Forensic Specialist Abigail "Abby" Sciuto
David McCallum - Doctor Donald "Ducky" Mallard
Alan Dale (2003-2005) - NCIS Director Tom Morrow
Lauren Holly (2005-2008) - NCIS Director Jennifer "Jenny" Shepard
Joe Spano - FBI Agent Tobias Fornell

External links

Wikipedia has an article about:
NCIS (TV series)
Last modified on 25 November 2008, at 23:20