The Angry Video Game Nerd (originally The Angry Nintendo Nerd, often shortened to AVGN or The Nerd) is a streaming media series featuring farcical negative reviews of retrogames by a temperamental and crass nerd, known as "The Nerd" and portrayed by James Rolfe, who created the series and writes the episodes. Originally hosted on YouTube, the videos became unexpectedly popular and developed into a series currently produced by ScrewAttack and hosted on GameTrailers.
He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari, Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
When you turn on your TV
Make sure it's tuned to Channel 3
He's got a nerdy shirt and a pocket pouch
Although I've never seen him write anything down
He's got a Power Glove and a filthy mouth
Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari, Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
He plays the worst games of all time
Horrible abominations of mankind
They make him so mad, he could spit
Or say "'Cowabunga'?! Cowafuckin' piece of dog shit!
They rip you off and don't care one bit
But this nerd, he doesn't forget it
Why can't a turtle swim?
Why can't I land the plane?
They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck
The characters' names are wrong
Why's the password so long?
Why don't the weapons do anything?
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words
He's the angriest, most pissed off gaming nerd
He's the Angry Atari, Amiga, CD-i, ColecoVision, Intellivision, Sega, Neo-Geo, TurboGrafx-16, Odyssey, 3DO, Commodore, Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
- This game sucks.
- Character's first spoken lines.
- Castlevania I and III are great, classic Nintendo games. But for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.
- (on day-to-night cycles) Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the game play? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets, and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed. But why is it necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded.
- And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen! This guy can go all over fighting hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?
- Sometimes I don't feel like going down the stairs just to get to ground level. I mean, there's no reason I should have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump down. (jumps off ledge, falls into channel of water) But -- oops! I shouldn't do that. There might be water down there.
- Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp. Now, let me get to the store. (night falls) Oh, shit! It's fuckin' night time! Now, the stores are all closed and I gotta wait for it to turn day again! Oh, well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. (falls in water) Oh, shit! Now I gotta start all over again!
- Here in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you hints about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time, it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out, which means I don't even get to read it, and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: It isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an oak stake, but what I do need to read, again and again, constantly, "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How 'bout, "Vanquish this horrible game"?
- So, then you get up to Dracula, and guess what? He doesn't look anything Dracula. Instead, he looks like a Grim Reaper and he throws sickles. I mean, did the people who made this game even know what Dracula is? He's a fuckin' vampire!
- Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?! What a piece of shit! I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible, steaming pile of goat shit.
- Yeah, the ending sucks, too.
- Castlevania II: Simon's Quest may be a pretty bad game, but it is God compared to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That -- that game is just... the epitome of bad. I mean, I know you've played a lotta bad games before, but -- no. Lemme tell ya: That game is bad.
- I mean, with Simon's Quest, you heard the sincerity in my voice, but now, see the sincerity in my eyes. (eyes widen) This game is fuckin' horrible! It's fuckin' horrible! (drinks Rolling Rock beer) I mean, like... like, Pong is better, and Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger Electronic wrist games -- those are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fuckin' sense! It's like -- what were they thinking?
- Here it is. Here's the piece of shit game. (camera pans to $.89 price tag) Who the hell spends this much fuckin' money on this game?
- Then ya die, and then you turn into Mr. Hyde, I guess. You walk around, punchin' people and throwin' shit, and then, for no reason, ya just die! Lightning will strike, like, real spontaneous, then you're dead. And then the game's over. What the fuck is that shit?
- I mean, don't even buy it, like, used for, like, a penny, or whatever. That shiny, gold copper will be worth a fortune someday compared to this awful pile of steaming goat shit.
- I mean... you'd rather superglue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline.
- And you know, the thing is... you think I'm joking, like, I'm trying to be funny, don't you? No. No, I'm not. The fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible... and I am not kidding. I am dead fucking serious. Dead... fuckin'... serious. (smiles and starts to laugh just before video ends abruptly)
- This game... is ass!
- Well. Lemme me honest with ya about this one. Hoo, boy. I hate this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean everybody has the same story: "I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it." So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood, screaming at the TV, throwing the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fucking time! I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones! It's just not worth it.
- The biggest problem is that the control is so awkward. You need to press "up" to jump, which doesn't really help because you can only jump straight up in the air.
- I mean, I guess they decided since the game's only four levels long, it'd better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this? How 'bout if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over, and it's, like, nearly impossible, but if ya do it, ya win the game and that's it. I mean... what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell?
- Now, this is kinda fun, though. You get to punch people. I'm gonna beat up Roger Rabbit now. (punches Roger Rabbit) Yeah! The only thing that's really annoying, though, is that it takes so long to charge that punch. (misses punch) Augh! You know what? It isn't fun. It just isn't -- at all. It's just a pain in the fucking ass!
- (reading character dialogue) "Can you help me?" "Go away, you horrid man!" How 'bout, "Go away, you horrid game"?
- Then these weasels catch ya, and they make ya solve riddles. And they're always the stupidest riddles, too, like, "What animal can you never trust?" "A cheetah!"
- And, look at this! This the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever. Like, why should any game take, like, ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?
- So, then ya go into this nightclub and ya find Jessica Rabbit. And then she tells ya to go find her phone number, like she can't just give it to ya. So, you go around and you search every table 'till you find it, and then -- ya know, I was lookin' all over this game, like, "Where is there a phone where you can actually call her?" And it wasn't until much later, when I grew up, that I found out you're really supposed to call her.
- So you go into the stores and the way you buy stuff is ridiculous. You go up and then you have to like go through your items until you select your wallet. Use the wallet and then this item drops down and you go pick it up. Now there's only one item for sale at a time, so you have to leave the store and then you come back in and there's something different there, So if you're looking for something in particular, you have to keep leaving the store and coming back in. Like, Imagine if in real life, like if I walked in to a liquor store and I wanted Rolling Rock, and all they had there was Budweiser just sitting on a box next to the counter, so then I'd have to leave, and have to come back in again, and then there's something else, and I have to keep walking in and out the door until I get what I want. It's just... like what were they thinking?
- You know what? I'm not even gonna punish myself anymore with this piece of shit. Alright, the game sucks; end of story. I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.
- It sucks. It sucks ass from a straw!
- How the hell am I supposed to get up there? That's impossible! And who is that guy with the chainsaw, anyway? Remember him from Ninja Turtles? I sure don't.
- Come on, get over here, you fucking nut!
- (after fighting several enemies) Okay, all that just for a pizza? Pizza shit!
- Okay, here's a trick I think everybody knows. When you're fighting Rocksteady, ya jump up onto these crates with Donatello and ya just keep hitting him with your bo[staff]. Now, what's really weird is the timing. Ya have to hit him when he's sorta ducking, not when he's standing up. I guess that would make too much sense. So it's obviously a game flaw.
- April O'Neil says, "You have my support." Okay... What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch!
- So here's a pop quiz: Who were the target audience for this game? Kids. Kids who were fans of Ninja Turtles. Now, you think they would've actually have put more Ninja Turtle characters in the game, like uh, Baxter Stockman, The Rat King, Krang? I mean, it's not like Krang was like, a minor character that came in the fifth season of the show. Krang was right there from the beginning! So like, there was no excuse, there were no excuse not to have him there! I mean, instead, make way for uh, the missile balloons, flying robot head, those little butterfly things, Mr. Fire Man! And, why don't you hear the Ninja Turtles theme song anywhere in the game? What a piece of shit!
- (as he gets attacked in mid-air and falls in rushing water) Augh, you son of a fuck! And ya know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?
- Now, look at this shit right here. These spiked walls come at you like an Indiana Jones booby trap, and some game designer who's laughin' their ass off just decided to put a pizza down there. Okay, well, what's the point? I mean, are you gonna be suicidal enough to go and try to get that pizza? I mean, who's gonna do that? It's impossible. What a joke!
- Aw, you fuck rat! This is just a bunch a cock-a-dooky! This is bull fuck!
- And ya know what pisses me off? Every time ya fall down, ya have to walk through the entire room all over again. All the enemies come back, so ya have to fight everybody all over again. Now, if ya get the pizza, the pizza doesn't come back -- only the bad guys. What a shitload of fuck!
- Whoa, dudes, this game's, like, a total bummer! What a joke!
- Wait, you can just walk over it? You can just walk over it... (first looks at screen in disbelief, then in anger) You are scum... (drinks Rolling Rock)
- The Nerd had been attempting unsuccessfully to jump over a gap for several minutes before discovering that the gap was narrow enough to walk over.
- "Cowabunga"... Cowafuckin' piece of dog shit! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze infested, dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid, anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs outta my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, it fuckin' blows, it's a piece of shit... and I don't like it.
- This game is horrible! This game is so bad, I really don't wanna play it, but Darth Vader came from the planet Vulcan and said that he'll melt my brains if I don't. So... I don't have a choice.
- (on soundtrack) I'd rather have a fuckin' buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage!
- Oh, look! I got a bowling ball. Remember that in the movie? Remember when Marty goes around throwing bowling balls at people?! Whose idea was this?!
- Jumping is useless. Try jumping over the bench, you'll never make it. So, what's the point of having a "Jump" button, if it doesn't help at all?
- ...[A]nd what the fuck is Marty doing when he gets killed? He looks like he's having some kind of seizure. I mean, I guess I'd have a seizure, too, if there were bees and hula-hoop girls and all this weird shit comin' at me. I mean, just leave me alone! I'm tryin' to collect clocks!
- You know what's the worst thing about this game? It's that it bears the name Back to the Future -- a movie well worth putting more time and effort into making a decent game. And the movie came out in '85 -- the game, '89. There's no excuse. No fuckin' excuse. Just suddenly, orders are passed: "Quick! Make a shitty game, name it after a big movie, and then just spit it into all the stores for all the kids to buy for fifty bucks." Yeah, fifty fuckin' bucks. There's no Internet to look up reviews back then. It was just -- you know, ya buy a game and ya hope for the best. And with Back to the Future, how could ya go wrong? (smiles sarcastically, eyes widen) Oh, yeah, you can fuckin' go wrong, all right. Like, if I just shat into a bag and wrote "Back to the Future" on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit.
- I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And, I'm dead serious, too.
- Holy shit! Look, the De Lorean! Now, I remember that from the movie! Not so much the piranhas, the snails, the weird face, the running frog, the bouncy thing, the thing in the sewer that comes out and kills Marty, the little dinosaurs, the cloud that drops pellets, (unidentifiable character appears) and, well, whatever the fuckin' goddamn hell that is. (Goomba and Spiny-like enemies appear) And look at those! What are they? Goombas and the spiky thing ripped right offa Super Mario Bros.? Fuckin' slackers!
- Oh, God, don't let the blue bird getcha! (falls in water) Ass!
- I wish I could go back in time to prevent this game from being made. Unfortunately, I need to build a flux capacitor and I also need some plutonium to generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity, so... it's out of the question. So... let's end on a positive note. There's gotta be one good thing about this game. And I know what it is: It fits in a toaster. (places game cartridge in toaster, it thereupon explodes)
On M.C. Kids
- M.C. Kids is nothing more than an advertising vehicle. Much like games such as Yo! Noid and 7-Eleven Spot.
- So there's Ronald with his magic bag... Bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.
- Alright, this is the first level. Now, does it look familiar? So, where have I seen this before? Jumping around collecting Ms? Oh, like coins. Mario Bros.? Like, yeah. That's where I've seen this. It's like Super Mario Bros. 3. Let's check it out.
- Whoa, makes me feel sick. They must have been on crack when they came up with this game.
- So, there you go, in Ronald's magic zipper, running around through magic McDonald world. (spins around) God, that really make me nauseous.
- All right, here's a shitty bonus game.
- Then you go to Birdie's stage. Stupid feathered fuckin' bird bitch!
- You know what's a big problem with this game? I mean, ya never know what's below you. Ya just fall and die. (falls and dies) Fuck balls! This game's so bad, they actually invented a way to end it by pushing "Start" and "Select" at the same time.
- Oh, God! Look, a McFlurry man! Those guys are bad ass!
- Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big, purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.
- Okay, so here's the part where you can get a billion 1-ups. So you just get two 1-ups here and then you go back into the board again. Ya die here, but ya always get one extra. So, if you have an hour to waste, there you go. Heh. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if you're playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fuckin' video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups "extra guys" or "free mans". I like to call 'em "life insurance".
- Look how bad the jumps are. Look at this. What a shitload of fuck! All I wanna do is get down to that barrel, but it's such a pain in the ass! It keeps bouncing me back up! Fuck farts! It never ends with this game! It's just like an infinite turd coming outta my ass; just like an endless rope. I mean, when the fuck's it gonna be over? I can't stand this shit!
- Watch the moose!
- This shit really 'minds me of Super Mario Bros. 3 again. And also, why is this guy walkin' on water? Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?
- Then ya gotta talk to the professor, another one of Ronald's stoner friends, and he tells ya to get more cards, which makes me just wanna punch him. Even worse, ya gotta go to the moon where ya meet CosMc. Now, who the hell is CosMc?! Did they run outta McDonald's characters? What about Captain Crook or Big Mac? No. CosMc. I never heard of him. I guess there's nothin' more you can expect but a shitty character like that. I mean, I bet the people who designed this game were payed minimum wage.
- Ass balls!
- I mean, the controls just... suck ass! What a piece of shit.
- So, finally, when you get through all these crazy obstacles, ya get up here, ya walk all the way to this lava pit, and ya don't have a block to float over. Ya can't go around it, so what do you gotta do? Guess you just gotta commit suicide. (jumps into lava, The Nerd appears on screen) Toasty!
- (on sticker on cartridge reading "Press here") ...[W]hat's this button for? "Press here"? Seriously? "Press here"? What for? I mean, is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down, like, how to put the game into the system. I -- I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, do they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, "Press here, you dumb fuck!" Like some kid's gonna be, like, (stupidly) "Uh, duh! How do I put the game in?!" (hits NES with cartridge) So, anyway, we start off with the title screen of a deformed bear with sunglasses riding a skateboard. A stereotypical anti-drug corporate waste of imagination. You can choose between one and two players... if you're lucky enough to have a friend who'd actually play this piece of shit with ya.
- Now, why would a bird wanna kill a skateboarding bear anyway?
- The levels are just incredibly repetitive. Like, literally. The same backgrounds are used over and over again. Kinda like in a Flintstones cartoon; if you notice during a driving scene, it's just the same stuff in the background being repeated over and over again. The only difference is that The Flintstones was entertaining. This... this is just a piece of fuck!
- ...You also have to prevent a poodle from getting her radio stolen, stop a lizard from drunk driving, and deal with other things that either want you to die... or want you to snort crack up your bear snout!
- The music in this game just fuckin' sucks. I mean, no bad game is complete without some auditory shit that makes you wanna puke. You'd rather listen to your only infant child choking to death. So... just turn down the volume, and while you're at it, just turn off the fuckin' game.
- Back in the 80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off the drugs. Whether it was McGruff or Pee Wee or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny, Miss Piggy. And this game, I'm sure didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So avoid it at all costs, unless you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say "No" to drugs... and let's say "No" to this fuckin' game!
- There's really only one reason to buy this game, and that's to be able to say, "I own Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu," so that people can awkwardly stare at ya.
- Instead of pressing "A" or "B" to be to jump, like in most games, ya have to press "Up". Sorta like in The Karate Kid. Maybe the control's so shitty because they were trying to make Chu seem drunk, or they were drunk themselves.
- For the last boss in the game, Shiva, I was expecting something a little better -- I don't know why -- but all you get is this weird statue; and why the fuck is it green? I mean, could they have picked another putrid color but green?!
On Top Gun
- Top Gun sorta marks the beginning of a genre. It was one of the first flight simulation games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, or at least one of the most commonly referred to. We obviously know that it ain't got shit compared with games today, and for that reason, you might think it's not worth complaining about. But, no. It sucks ass now, and it sucked ass back then!
- The first problem with the game is just the fact that it's boring.
- If Purgatory exists, this is what it is: Top Gun for the NES. I'd rather fly a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit outta Hong Kong!
- Uh-oh, I'm really fucked now. I gotta land on an aircraft carrier; a feat that's impossible. Your radar monitor gives you instructions on how to land, but no matter what you do, you still crash. You know, it's, like, every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally gonna land the plane. "Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right. Speed up, speed down! Left, left! Speed up, speed down! Up, up. Up, up." I'm hitting "Up". (staring at screen, begins to sweat, eyes widen, plane falls short of the aircraft carrier and crashes) ASS!... FUUUUUUUUCK!
- "Mission 2: Destroy an enemy aircraft carrier." Alright. Fine. As long as I don't have to fuckin' land on it!
- Now, halfway through this level, your fuel starts to run out. So, this refueling plane comes, and then ya have to control its nozzle. So, just like landing the plane, this is impossible, and I've never once done it. You just have to be lucky. I mean, your accuracy has to be one hundred percent perfect. And, really... I don't have a fuckin' clue how it works. "Down, down! Speed up! Down, down! Left, left! Up, up! Speed up! Left, left! Down, down! Up, up! Left, left! Right, right! Up, up! Up -- Left, left! Down, down! Up, up!" What the fuck?! What was I supposed to do?! Now, look at the plane! It just goes away, like, "Fuck him!" I mean, they just leave ya out here to die!
- What a shitload of fuck! This game chews turds. This game sucks your balls off and spits 'em up your ass! Now, I know there's only four levels in the game, so it's kind of the same deal as Karate Kid. It's a short game, but it's as hard as a fuckin' T-Rex's shit!
- Now, because I've never passed that refueling plane, I've never seen the last two levels. So, what I've decided to do here is to create my own version of what I think the last two levels may be like. "Mission 3: Blow shit up!" (Top Gun cartridge and movie poster are destroyed by plane's gunfire) "Mission 4: Vent your anger and destroy the TV!" Die! (punches hole into television set) Hadouken! (destroys half of the television) Sonic boom! (the rest of the television explodes)
- Well, you just haven't had enough fun torturing yourself with this awful game, and you still want some more? Well, guess what? You're in luck, there's a sequel: Top Gun: The Second Mission. Which doesn't really make much sense, because it sounds like you're talking about the second mission in the first Top Gun.
- The one thing I find really disappointing is that after you blow your opponent up, ya see him escape in a parachute. And you don't want that to happen. You wanna see him die! Anyway, that's all I have to say about this gar-bitch. Fuckballs.
- Ooh! I know what you're thinkin'; "How dare you pick on Double Dragon?!" But, I'm not. Double Dragon's awesome, and so's Double Dragon II: The Revenge. But Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones is just a fuckin' waste.
- I guess they were tryin' to make this one realistic; like if in real life, you went out onto the streets to fight this many people at the same time. You'd get your ass handed to ya! And when ya die once, that's it. You're brown bread. You're not comin' back. You can't fuck around with this game.
- I mean, what the fuckin' shit is that about? Fuck this game!
- Your only chance to see beyond the first level is to either be a Double Dragon god or have two players. But whatever you do, don't pick game B, because that's where you can hit each other, and that makes it pointless as you play on.
- Now, just like the one player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait. (Billy's name is misspelled) "Bimmy" and Jimmy?! How'd they make a mistake like this?! "Bimmy" isn't even a real name! How did this happen?! They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it?! "Bimmy" and Jimmy?! I'm sorry -- I just can't get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There's a typo in a Nintendo game; let alone a fuckin' Double Dragon game, and it's the first screen!
- Well anyway, using two players is much easier, but it's still a hard game.
- And along the way, you meet other characters that you can play as. So when you die, you can still use this other character, so it's kinda like finally having another life, except that... he sucks! This man in a business suit who does belly flops, he's completely useless. He's so slow!
- Fuck. What a piece of fuckin' God damn shit... Fuck.
- (sarcastic) Well... Friday the 13th on Nintendo. What can ya say? The knife goin' into the eye in the beginning right away should be an indication of how cool it is. This game is infamous for being great, right? I mean, everyone loves this game, because it's awesome. I mean, the concept is just brilliant; adapting a series of "R"-rated slasher movies for all the kiddies to play. Great idea.
- (sarcastic) Goin' around throwin' rocks at zombies, collecting lighters, runnin' around tryin' to find fireplaces to light. What more could ya ask for?
- (sarcastic) I love it. Just great... (looks around room, checks behind couch, eyes widen) Like puke up a donkey's ass! What a shitload of motherfuckin' bull fuck! I mean, I'd rather eat snotty diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's dick, and if you thought I was serious about this game, you're -- (Jason Voorhees appears from behind couch and begins to strangle The Nerd) absolutely right, because, I was just kidding. I was just kidding! I swear! I swear to God, I was just kidding. I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck! It's not a shitload of fuck!
- (sarcastic) What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great. Because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!
- Now, I just wanna get the fuck out! (whispering) I just wanna get the fuck out... Get the fuck out... (looks around room, checks behind couch, eyes widen) because it sucks.
- (cornered by Jason) Don't kill me! (Jason holds up Friday the 13th cartridge, eyes widen) Kill me!
- (sarcastic) Jason comes out every once in a while to scare the shit outta ya. And he looks really good in purple, doesn't he? That's a good color for him.
- Even Jason's mom makes an appearance. And ya know what she reminds me of? Those annoying fuckin' Medusas from Simon's Quest. Or, wait... I'm talkin' about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game, too?!
- (on "Game over" screen) That's ingenious. That's the best "Game over" screen I ever saw. For real. I'm actually being dead serious. Dead fuckin' serious. That's brilliant, right? "You and your friends are dead. Game over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it. Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated", or they... turn into an item, and, like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says, "You're fuckin' dead. And your friends, too." Beautiful. (Jason nods in agreement) And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say, "You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fuckin' pets are being skinned alive. Your mom's a fuckin' whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're goin' to hell. Live with it. Game over."
- I can't tell where I am, or where I'm goin' with this shit! And the cabins? Just fuckin' horrible! I can't find the fuckin' fireplaces, I get lost once I'm inside, I can't even just simply turn around and see the door. The control's so fuckin' awkward. I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea! I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em up my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus outta my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself! And I'd turn the volume down, except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm. It's all just a test of patience, and it... can kiss... my fuckin' asshole! (hits Jason with NES controller, Jason collapses) Die! (beats Jason with controller) Ungh! Piece of shit! (draws Zapper) You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that fuckin' game, you no good piece of -- (blows Jason's head off) This game... is fuckin' horrible! (slams game cartridge into wall)
- This game is my fuckin' nightmare! It's a frustrating, incoherent, pile of vomited shit! Even the first screen is kinda weird, because it shows Freddy without his glove, but his knives are still comin' out of his fingers. Now, I think I might actually have an explanation for this. In the movie, Nightmare: Part II... Nah, they just fucked up.
- Even though it may appear to be a typical side-scroller, it isn't at all. There's nothing self-explanatory, or even fun about this diarrhea mess.
- So ya go into one of the houses, and guess what? It's crawling with ginormous spiders. So what do you do? You give 'em a taste of your fist! Punch 'em! Ungh! Ungh! Smack 'em around! Assholes! God damn fuckin' spiders! Eat my ass, ya fuckin' bitches! Show 'em you're a man! Punch those spiders! (holding rubber spider) Spiders! Punch 'em! (punches rubber spider; pulls out rubber snake) Snakes! You want some, too? (repeatedly slaps rubber snake, throws it to ground)
- Damn! Freddy's got a lotta fuckin' bones! And they all look exactly the same! Classic cartoon dog bone.
- Ya know, come to think of it, the plot's kinda like Simon's Quest. Why would Simon wanna go around collecting pieces of Dracula? He was killed the first time. Just leave him alone! Imagine if Batman killed the Joker, and then he scattered his pieces all over the fuckin' city, and then went around collecting them all. What a bunch of fuckin' shit!
- Just keep walkin' around... Walkin' down... Guess it's Elm Street, which happens to be the longest fuckin' street in the world!
- What the fuck are these?! Lollipop ghosts with stick arms? Were the enemies in this game designed by some Kindergarten kid for Halloween? I'm surprised they don't have skeletons, too. (skeleton appears) They actually do have skeletons. What the fuck? Could the villains be any more stock? Like, "We have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters could we add? Well, how 'bout bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, and Frankensteins for the kiddies?" Could it be any more uncreative than that? Like, why don't they add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o-lantern's? They should have just called the game "Boo!: Haunted House!", which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait. Make it about Freddy. We already ruined Friday the 13th. Now, let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street." And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for "Laughin' Jokin' Numb nuts".
- Listen to the music. It sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, it kinda sounds like it's recycled from "Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit?", another piece of garbage they made. What were they thinking?!
- ("Freddy's™ coming!" appears on screen) Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'?! He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy, that it's just awesome! But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol!
On the Power Glove
- I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad.
- So, if anything, the Power Glove -- it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But, too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint; one fuckin' complaint about this glove: It doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well... Being able to fuckin' play it!
- It's easier to do a handstand while takin' a shit.
- Oh, good luck, I'm gonna fall in the water and die! (does) Fuck!
- Wow, this sucks. This sucks hard. Come on, now, jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (gets hit by enemy) Oh -- (falls onto platform) Wow, that helped. Okay, keep going, oh -- (character falls and dies) Oh, fuck...
- Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. There's only one way to do this game with the Power Glove. (punches cartridge with gloved hand)
- Try to pop the bubbles, good luck. Sucks monkey fuck. (faces camera) Sucks monkey fuck!
- Fuck-a-doodle shit. "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck." "Good luck" is right; I'm usin' the fuckin' Power Glove.
- (playing R.C. Pro-Am) Alright. Here we go. We got this, man. We got this by the ass!
- I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. Can't get anymore rad than that.
- Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. (landing phase begins) Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to land a plane on Top Gun with the Power Glove. I can't even land it with the regular controller! (lands plane perfectly, looks at glove in disbelief)
- I lost to Glass Joe. I lost... to Glass Joe.
- Try doing the Contra Code with this fuckin' thing.
- Get him, get him, get him -- (dies) Oh, you fuck... you piece of shit.
- If you wanna bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove. 'Cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who own this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool either. Look at me; you think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm trying to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with a fist full of shit. (imitation gun shots while pulling trigger on Zapper, pretending to shoot fingers off, leaving only middle finger)
- Alright, Mario, you don't have to keep jumpin'. At least ya made it over the Goomba. You were lucky, you fuck.
- I'm touching the fuckin' floor right now. I'm touching the floor, and I can't get him to stop jumping.
- Get over the pipe, ya fuckin' asshole!
- "Now, you're playing with power." Now, you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked up shit. Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. It's so bad, it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck, it fucks! And I... (grabs Rolling Rock bottle)...can't take it anymore. (drinks beer)
On Chronologically Confused
- Let me take ya back to when Capcom's Street Fighter II first came out. I never heard of the first one, but, hey, this is an awesome game. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Then comes Street Fighter II: The Champion Edition. Oh, cool. Street Fighter III's next, right? Nope. Street Fighter II: Turbo. OK. Awesome. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Super Street Fighter II? Um... Cool... ...Uh, Street Fighter III? Super Street Fighter II: Turbo! What the fuck?! At first I thought all these updates were nice to hold ya over, but how many times can you update the same fuckin' game? It's gettin' ridiculous. I'm not gonna buy it again! Well, then finally comes Street Fighter Alpha. Then Street Fighter Alpha 2. And after that, I honestly lost count. There eventually was a Street Fighter III. Like nine-million versions of it! But there was also Street Fighter EX, EX2, and EX2 Plus. Not to mention, way back on the NES, there was Street Fighter 2010. I couldn't tell ya where that fits in.
- Speakin' of Capcom, Mega Man's another series where the numbering got confusing. There was Mega Man one through six on the NES. Then on the Super Nintendo, there was Mega Man X. Back in the time, I thought it meant Mega Man 10. Then came Mega Man X2 and X3. Strangely enough there was a Mega Man 7 on the Super Nintendo. That's right, two different series going on at the same time. Then on the PlayStation, there was Mega Man X4, X5, X6, X7, and X8. There was a Mega Man 8- A regular Mega Man 8 on PlayStation. Now, only if they made a Mega Man 9, it would come full circle. But it doesn't end there, either. What's this? Mega Man Battle Network series? Mega Man 64? Did they really get that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting "64" at the end of every fuckin' title.
- You know what really grinds my shit is when the Japanese and North American releases of games differ. Take for example when Super Mario Bros. 2 released in Japan, wasn't released here until later. but what we got in its place was a completely different version. Although it's still called: Super Mario Bros. 2. And the Japanese one came here as The Lost Levels.
- Final Fantasy II by the time of its Japanese release wasn't here in America. Neither was Final Fantasy III. But when Final Fantasy IV was released here, but since we don't have II and III, There no sense of calling it IV. So what did they do? They called it II. Then Final Fantasy V wasn't released here either, and when Final Fantasy VI came out here, they called it III. Final Fantasy III also happens to be one of my all-time favorites on Super Nintendo. Then I remember that after that, Squaresoft started releasing the next Final Fantasy games on PlayStation, they aren't fuckin' with the titles anymore. When Final Fantasy VII was released here, they just called it Final Fantasy VII. And that were the confusion began. I was wondering "What the fuck happened to IV, V, and VI?" I should be wondering "What the fuck happened to II, III, and V!" And I was thinking... "So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?" I was playing VI all along and not III? What a bunch of fuckin' bull fuck!
- There are sequels of movies that are conveniently numbered, and then they stopped numbering them. Take Halloween for example. There's Halloween, Halloween 2, Halloween 3, Halloween 4, Halloween 5, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween H2O, and Halloween: Resurrection. Oh god...
- I've always praise the Rocky series. What a perfect string of sequel titles: Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, and Rocky V. No sub-titles, all roman numbers, consistent, perfect. But they're gonna fuck it up by calling the new one Rocky Balboa. Seriously? Rocky Balboa?! Why can't it be Rocky VI? Rocky Balboa sounds like the first one, only adding his last name. And what if they made another one, would they include his middle initial, and then his date of birth? What a shitload of fuck! What kind of stupid excuse for a title is this? Reveal more of the character's name. That's like making a prequel to Forrest Gump, and just calling it Forrest!
- Now, with talk of Rambo 4 coming out, what are they gonna do? Call it John Rambo? And speaking of Rambo, that's a series that somehow completely changed its title. The first one was called First Blood. That's it, First Blood. The second one was called Rambo: First Blood Part II. And then the third one was called Rambo III. So what, they just forgot about First Blood? The correct title would be Rambo II: First Blood Part III!
- The Alien series is also pretty much fucked up. They start with Alien, then Aliens, which makes sense, first there's one alien and now there's many, the title's consistent with the plot and it works. But then, uh-oh they make a third one. Oh gee, what are we gonna call it? Can't be Aliens's, that won't work. Besides, there's only one alien again. So let's just call it Alien 3. That works, there's not really much else they could've called it. But now you think it's time to start numbering the sequels from now on, ya think? Or would that be to traditional? Well the next one's called Alien: Resurrection. At first I thought it was a fuckin' joke. Apart from resurrection being one of the most overused words to be found in a sequel, There's no reason not to use the number 4. I mean you numbered the last movie, why can't you number this one? So what do you want to do? Do you want to number 'em or use cliche words? I don't care which but make up your fuckin' minds. You don't start numbering sequels then go back to not numbering them. And there's more than one alien again. So why isn't the title plural like in Aliens? What were they thinking?
- The title of Bruce Lee's first action movie was called The Big Boss. When it was released here, the American Movie Distributors decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. It's okay, but the next movie happened to be called Fist of Fury. So -- uh-oh, we fucked up! What are we gonna call it? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection. After on, call the next one whatever the fuck you want.
- If you live in the U.S. with the Zombie Series, You'll see Zombie one thru six, but there's no Zombie 2. What the fuck?! A movie series with a missing sequel?
- ...If Zombi 2 came out here in the U.S., we can't call it Zombie 2 because there's no Zombie. Calling it Dawn of the Dead 2 would've been wrong because it has nothing to do with Mr. Romero's original version. So, they called it Zombie instead. Yes, Zombi 2 is now Zombie. Not to be confused with the Italian version of Dawn of the Dead which is also called Zombie. So, When Zombi 3 came out in America, they figured; "OK fuck it." It's only keep getting more confusing, so just fuckin' call it Zombie 3 like it is, but there's no Zombie 2. Fuck it, don't change the titles anymore. Now the U.K. caught in between this mess just decided to leave the title of Dawn of the Dead alone and changed Zombi 2 to Zombie Flesh Eaters. Then Zombi 3 will be Zombie Flesh Eaters 2, and so on, and so on.
- Speaking of titles with missing sequels, whatever happened to the The Naked Gun series. The sequel is called Naked Gun 2 1/2. What's half of it? Does it include half the script of Naked Gun 3? Perhaps I've never seen a Naked Gun 3, or 4, or 5, or anything up until Naked Gun 33 1/3.
- Twice the Mega Power? What's Mega Power, and how can you have twice as much?
- Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-ball fuck! This is fuckin' boring!
- It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. it fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dooky out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds. The control in this game is ... poo poo!
- The repetitive nature of this game is astounding. How many times can he get back up? It's embarrassing! There's no three-knockdown rule, and in fact, no Mario to come in and say, "TKO!" Even though I think believe a technical knock-out can occur in this game, it takes forever to happen, so it just goes on, and on, and on.
- Get up! Get up, you floor-fucking dickhead! Stop humping the floor. How does a game go from being so easy to so fuckin' hard?
- This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs. But to be perfectly fair, this was a pretty good game for its time. It hasn't aged well at all. It's no Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, but hey, it's Rocky, and it can't be as bad as the pinball game.
On Bible Games
- First let's do "Noah's Ark". Well, there's Noah. He moves pretty fast for an old guy. The object's to get the animals to the Ark. (Noah lifts a cow over his head) Holy shit! Ya just pick 'em up?! Is that how Noah did it? He did it all by himself by picking the animals up and carrying them into the Ark? Well, according to Bible Adventures, that's how it happened.
- I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up; he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down! How can such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit?! Let alone a horse and an ox, or-- Fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen?! What the fuckin' shit?! Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts the Hulk to shame! And the poor creatures; they're so scared shit-less, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man... Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris.
- Ungh! Take that, bitch! You're goin' in the Ark, ya fuck nut.
- The monkeys are also pretty damn annoying. Sometimes ya gotta chase 'em all around. What a sight. Look, an old man climbing up a tree chasing monkeys. It's quite ridiculous. Fuckin' monkey! Get back here! Now you're gonna get it! (knocks monkey out) Ungh! Take that, ya monkey fuck! You're goin' in the Ark.
- (rounding up unwilling animals) Come on, there's gonna be a flood! What, do ya wanna die?!
- Well, check this out. I go into this cave. This is real frustrating because because to climb the walls, ya have to jump and hit the A button at the perfect timing. Then once ya get to the top, there ya go; there's your snakes. So, these are the real snakes you're supposed to get; not the ones in the trees. They're only decoys. Challenge is one thing; but why does this game have to fuckin' trick me?! So, don't get the snakes that ya first see when you're walkin' around; go take a wild guess; climb through the cave until ya find the real ones. Fuck this game.
- If the soldiers catch Baby Moses, they throw him in the water. What assholes. And what's with this theme of carrying things? It's actually kind of a rip-off of Super Mario Brothers 2. Even the graphics kinda remind me of it. Except for those chocolate cats. And speakin' of carrying things, look how many things she can stack. What kinda picture is this? Moses's mom carrying Baby Moses carrying a block of cheese carrying a guy carrying a spear?! I never thought I'd see that. Beware the black spaces. If ya jump through 'em, ya fall in the water and die. (falls through black space) Whoa! Either that, or it shoots Baby Moses up in the sky. (stage continues moving forward despite Moses's mother falling in the water) What's going on? ...This game sucks ass.
- The only way to have any fun at all is to throw Baby Moses in the water and then go explore the level without him. This is a weird game. What other game could ya ever say, "I just threw Baby Moses in the water"? For some reason, I can't stop saying "Baby Moses". Baby Moses, Baby Moses! When you finish the level, it says, "Good work, but you forgot... Baby Moses". I didn't forget him; I just didn't want him!
David and Goliath
- Well, there's only one shitty game left. "David and Goliath". Well, you're goin' around...carrying sheep. Yeah. Are you surprised?
- (on soundtrack) You'd rather listen to your only infant child puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke chunks. ...That's disgusting. I apologize.
- Those sheep are a bitch to carry. Especially if you're tryin' to get past the lion. That lion hates sheep and anybody who carries sheep. However, if ya past him without the sheep, they don't give a shit! I can even pick the lion and it doesn't care. Sure. Try that in real life. Pick up a lion and see what happens. And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. Yeah, right in the fuckin' nuts. You can even use an acorn to knock the lion out. (does) Damn! I wouldn't wanna get hit by one of those acorns. Those lions are fuckin' wusses! (lion and squirrel are both knocked unconscious) What?! What happened?! Did ya see that?! That lion just fell flat on his ass. And he fell at the same time as the squirrel. So, who knocked 'em both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see this squirrel throws the acorn. And clobbers the lion. Bam! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws an acorn which comes right back down, and bam! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb shit.
- I like the sheep sound effects. (sheep baas, The Nerd baas) Come on, damn sheep. I'm not gonna hurt ya. Sheepy, sheepy. (in high-pitched sing-song tone) Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy! (in normal voice) Fuck this. I feel like a stupid asshole goin' after all these sheep for no reason. The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm tellin' ya, that squirrel does some weird shit. One minute it's sleeping. Then it's runnin' up and over the tree, and -- oh my God, look at that! It's a flying squirrel! Or it's, like, climbin' the sky. Where'd it go? (jumps up, squirrel briefly appears) Oh, there it is! Wow. They were on drugs when they made this game.
On Bible Buffet
- What is this I'm looking at? It's a board game? In fact, it's a ripoff of Candy Land. Just look at it. All different food themed lands. Like: Potato Land, Bar-B-Q Land, Pizza Land, Dessert Land? (voice announces, "Player one!") Oh, my God -- it's talking. Well, you spin the wheel, and you make some moves just like any board game. Then you get to play all these weird mini-games which sort of resemble an Atari game. The sound effects are classic.
- Every once in a while, you get a little quiz. "True or false?" Uh, I guess "True". Um, "True or false?" I guess "False". What the hell am I guessing? It would help if I had the questions! (answers last question "False"; all three turn up wrong) You know where they are? They're in the manual. So, unless you still have the manual, let alone have the fuckin' game, you're not gonna know what the questions are. (randomly answers remaining questions) Now, what was the problem with putting the questions on the screen? Why didn't they do that instead? What were they thinking?!
- (voice yells, "All right!") That voice is just crazy. I don't know what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but, I don't know. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible resembling Atari that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game ripoff with quizzes that you can't answer -- and if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou shall not kill"? Please, somebody tell me, what the hell am I playing?!... I kinda like it. But -- I gotta turn it off before I go insane.
- Now, let's play another Bible game. It's The Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis, and the soundtrack... is Genesis... I'm just makin' this up. But now, let's move on to Super Nintendo and another game that I'm actually not making up. I couldn't even come up with everything half as crazy if I tried. This is Super Noah's Ark 3D. Yet it's also referred to as Super 3D Noah's Ark because of the way of the title art is misrepresented. So, who knows. Call it whatever you want. Call it Super 3D Fuck Farts if you want. I know it's weird, but the weirdness actually starts with the cartridge. As you can see, it looks like no other Super Nintendo game you've ever seen. In fact, it doesn't even look like a game at all. It looks more like a Game Genie. By this time, I believe Nintendo was catching on to the fact that Wisdom Tree was making these Bible games for their system without their permission. So what I think happened was when Super Nintendo came out, they put in a new lock-out chip inside the system which only allows games licensed by Nintendo to work. So how many Super Nintendo games came out not licensed by Nintendo? Well, just one, and it found a way. By plugging an official Super Nintendo game into the top of it, it overrides the lock-out chip and you can play it. The question is, "Would ya want to?" Well, actually, yeah, ya would. What other first-person shooter game do ya get to play as Noah?!
- Now, does it look like Wolfenstein 3D? Yes. In fact, it is Wolfenstein 3D. It doesn't even count as a rip-off. It's the same fucking game, but with Noah! Instead of shooting Nazis, he's shooting goats!
- ...And there's a bit of a conspiracy going on. According to the Bible, Noah puts two of each animal in the Ark, right? Well, according to this game, he put a whole bunch of goats on there. And if that's not crazy enough, guess what? All those goats want Noah dead!
- Listen to how cheerful the music is... Wow, that's great. Just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fuckin' goats!
- What a shameless rip-off! Well, at least they came up with a few original ideas. Like sometimes when you kill your enemies, a flying devil comes out. And besides just the usual rocks and bushes or trees or whatever, they randomly have all these garbage cans placed about. That's where this game belongs! The fuckin' garbage!
The Wise Men
- Now, why are there quizzes in the middle of this game? Quizzes aren't fun; quizzes make ya feel like you're in school. Games... are fun. Quizzes, not fun. Put 'em together!
Flight to Egypt
- (hurrying to finish video) Now, let's try "Flight to Egypt". (plays for three seconds, dies) It's bad.
Jesus and the Temple
- (after starting up Jesus and the Temple) Okay, another ripoff of Super Mario Brothers 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall.
- What are those flashing colors in the sky? Looks like something you might see if you took too much LSD!
- There's really nothing else worth mentioning this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I'd rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass shit.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III... sucks shit. Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed out, roadkill diarrhea shit. Now, you might be sayin', "Well, that's your opinion." Well, yeah, it is. It's my opinion that it's a motherfuckin' fact that this pile of dog shit called "Ninja Turtles III" is the most godawful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But -- No. Let me tell ya. This movie is bad. Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the "Turtles" trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point is that this is the worse fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a twelve-year-old and twenty-six-year-old that...it needs to rot in hell in Satan's asshole. What I mean by that is, I was 12 the first time I saw the movie in the theaters in 1993. And I was such a big "Turtles" fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And...ya know, it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out... This movie... is fuckin' terrible! (punches cassette)
- There was already a third "Ninja Turtles" on Nintendo. The Manhattan Project. Would that be the subtitle of the movie, too? My friends and I all debated on what it would be. Would it be "Ninja Turtles III: The Advent of Krang"? "Ninja Turtles III: The Revenge of Shredder"? "Ninja Turtles III:" ...uh... "Enter Dimension X"? "Ninja Turtles III:" ...um... "Here Comes the Technodrome"? Well, no. We were far off. It was like landing on the zero in roulette. Everyone fuckin' loses! The movie had no subtitle at all. While today, whenever I bring up the film, often people insist that there was subtitle: Turtles in Time. But to clear that up once and for all, "Turtles in Time" was the name of the video game, and it had nothing to do with that awful movie. Yes, in the movie they go back in time, but it's to ancient Japan. While in the game, they go to several different times, as well as the future. It was the second "Turtles" game in the arcade, and it was also on Super Nintendo, known as "Turtles IV". But back to my question: Why was there no subtitle in the movie? They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under the title. See that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employed within, and the void it left in our hearts!
- So who's the villain in this movie? Is it gonna be Krang? Since even the first movie, we've been waitin' for him. Aside from Shredder, he's the main villain in the show. So will it be A: Krang, B: Baxter Stockman, C: The Rat King, D: Leatherhead, or E: All of the above? Well, the answer is none of the above. The answer is just a big, "Fuck you!" to all the kids who were waiting so anxiously to see their favorite characters on the big sceen. Then ya think, "Well, Shredder's gotta be in it, right?" Nope. Not even him. While there's even more reason to bring him back, because at the end of Turtles II, Shredder uses the last vile of ooze to turn himself into Super Shredder. Now, Super Shredder was awesome! Because he was like a monster. But ya only see a little bit of him, since he's under the dock, all shrouded in darkness. There's no way the Turtles can even fight him. Remember back to the first movie? They couldn't even beat regular Shredder. Splinter had to take him out. And at this time, in an anti-climatic end, Shredder does himself in by ripping apart the dock. Now...think about this. Would he really die by having a dock collapse on him? In the first movie, he falls into a garbage truck, Casey Jones activates the compactor, and crushes the fuck out of him! Now, in the second movie, he comes back alive and well. Now, if he can survive that, why can't he survive some falling beams of wood? And besides, this time, he's Super Shredder! Wouldn't you have like to see Super Shredder come back in "Turtles III"? Well, that's what I was hoping for. But too bad! Make way for this samurai and this guy on a horse. Yeah... These are our villains of "Turtles III": Norinaga and Walker. I've never heard of them before. Now, you have this huge stock pile of all these memorable villains from the comics, the TV series, the video games, the action figures, all that...and they just go ahead and bring in two uninspired, stereotyped, mediocre villains! I mean -- Come on! This is the best they can come up with? Are you shitting me up the ass?! And you might say, "Well, Shredder can't be in it, because it takes place in ancient Japan." Well, you know what? That's my fucking point! The movie shouldn't have taken place in ancient Japan! Like, wow! That's original, isn't it? That's never been done a million times already!
- How does the third movie begin? Well, the Turtles just come in dancing the ZZ Top. No build up, no scenario, no creativity, no fucking thought so ever. Now, just look at the Turtles. They look like shit. Even the voice acting's horrible. The animotronics sucked too. They talk like sock puppets. Watch Leonardo's mouth. (shows a scene of Leonardo, and shows a dirty sock in The Nerd's hand) (in a silly voice) "Hey, what's that, April?" (back to normal voice) Now, look at Raph. (shows a scene of Raphael, and shows a dirty sock in The Nerd's hand again, in a silly voice, and being gibberish) Is this movie made for little kids?! Well, I guess it is. So, the joke's on me.
- What does Splinter look like? He looks like fuckin' road kill!
- What's the best way to end a shitty movie? With a shitty ending! An ending that sucks so hard, it scarred me for life.
- (on Walker's death) What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Ninja Turtles III brings this cliché to a new level. I mean a whole new level.
- "Cowabunga"?! Cowafuckin' piece of dog shit! I rather watch crap oozing out of a buffalo's asshole. I'd rather fuckin' puke diarrhea up my dick. It fuckin' sucks so much fuckin' suck it fucks! It fuckin' sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that -- well, something must be done. (he places the video cassette on the ground, then cuts it into two pieces with katana) "It's hammer time!" (repeatedly hits cassette with hammer)
- Angry Video Game Nerd here and this is DuckTales. It stars the multi-billion dollar rich fuck Scrooge McDuck in an intercontinental quest of becoming even richer.
- Now imagine flying to someone else's country and killing their leader with a cane and taking all the treasure. Well, he's Scrooge McDuck, and I guess he can do whatever the fuck he wants.
- You begin the game sitting in front of this enormous super computer screen selecting the stage you wanna play, much like Mega Man, and well, yeah. Guess who made it? Capcom! So it's gotta be good, right? Well, right! I wish I could call this a shitload of fuck, but it's actually a pretty damn good game!
- Your two main methods of attack are using your cane as a golf club to whack the shit out of things, and bouncing around, pogo-fucking your enemies to death!
- The stages are cool. You've got The Amazon, the African Mines, The Himalayas, the moon, and my personal favorite; Transylvania.
- This guy reminds me of Duckula. Anyone remember Duckula? See, when I was a kid, there were all kinds of duck related shows on TV. What the duck is that all about?
- This game is generous with food. You'll find all these cakes and ice cream cones in treasure chests. What a glutton. How old are those stuff anyway? I wouldn't eat something that came out of a treasure chest.
- Here's a part I just don't get it. Look in the mine cart, those your nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie. You get in the cart with them, and just when you're about to go into a hole, you jump out. But what happens to Huey, Dewey and Louie?! Do they just die? What a selfish bastard! He abandons his own nephews!
- Thanks to Capcom for making a great game in the NES library. And remember: No matter how much money you have, it's always worth killing people with a cane for just a little bit more.
On the Atari 5200
- (documentary-style) Why don't many people remember it, and why'd it die off so quick? (shot of The Nerd, looking angry and holding up the 5200, obscuring the entire upper half of his body) Because it's a pile of fuckin' shit! Why?! Well, just look at it! Look at how huge this beast is! It's ginormous! And why is there a door on it?! Is this thing a video game console or a fuckin' closet?! Even the AC adapter weighs a million tons! (picks up and drops adapter, ground rumbles)
- (every electrical outlet near The Nerd's television set is in use; after trying to pick up the TV) That TV is just out of the question. It's a little too busy back there. But, that's okay, because I believe that the only true way to play Atari — (reaches out, moves camera shot to 1980s model Emerson television) is on an old piece of shit like that.
- (drops television on foot) Augh! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- This controller...is a piece of shit! What's the most important aspect about any fuckin' game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it. And what do you need to fuckin' play it? The fuckin' controller! So, what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason this system failed. This! In the name of God, Heaven, and Hell, everything in between, every creature on Earth, by the far reaches of the galaxy, by the inner rims of the universe and...every megaverse in the ultraverse, let it be known — let the word be known: This controller — is fuckin' horrible!
- (on controller) Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it for, like, talkin' to intergalactic space aliens or flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?
- Now, there's another one: the Trak-Ball controller. But it's an ungodly abomination that begs for apocalypse. (holds Trak-Ball controller, eyes and mouth wide open) Look at it! It's as big as a VCR or DVD player. It's big enough to be the game system, let alone the controller. Look, it's almost as big as the Nintendo. No, wait — I think it's slightly bigger than the Nintendo! What a beast! But the ultimate question is: Does it work? (attempts to play Breakout with Trak-Ball controller, controls are unresponsive) No. It doesn't.
- Did you know that you can plug a Sega Genesis controller into an Atari 2600 and it'll work?
- There exists third-party controllers made for the reason of replacing the shitty controller that the system came with.
- Okay. Let's play this bitch. (tries to connect controller to port, only to discover it is actually for an Atari 2600 and not a 5200; he stares at the controller's end) FUUUUUUUUCK!
Nintendo Entertainment System Port
- When we heard that a Ghostbusters game was coming out on Nintendo, we were so excited, we shit our pants. Like, literally; shit flew out our asses and we rocketed through the roof. It was two of our favorite things comin' together. It should've been like bread and butter... But more like dead skunk and dog shit!
- It gets bad as soon as you press the "Start" button. (presses "Start", game barely intelligibly screeches, "Ghostbusters!") ...What the fuck was that?! (replays sound, imitates sound through clenched teeth) Ghost-busters! (replays sound)
- Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to criticize the game for it's lack of voice clarity, but you hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
- So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is Ghostbusters on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're looking at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it shits for the birds! "Okay, we gotta come up with a game about Ghostbusters. What could we do? How about just have the Ghostbusters logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute little yellow ghosts. So if you like Ghostbusters, it's right up your alley." More like up your ass!
- Now for music, you got the Ghostbusters theme song, which sounds like a decent 8-bit rendition, but there's one problem: IT'S - THE - ONLY - SONG - IN THE WHOLE - GAME - AND IT NEVER - EVER - STOPS! It starts playing from the first screen, ALL the way to the end of the game. It drones over you, makes your brain go numb, then when it gets to the end of the song, it pauses for a second, then it loops again! So you'd better get used to it, but let me tell you: that one second when the music stops, it feels so satisfying to hear dead silence, even for a brief moment, to put your mind at peace.
- So seriously, what am I doing? Why am I just a Ghostbusters logo floating around playing tag with ghosts?
- Now, what am I trying to do? What is this white box that keeps appearing when I press the B button?
- You try to enter, and--oops! You can't do that yet. You need to buy your proton pack and ghost traps. The Ghostbusters don't have their own equipment, so they have to go buy it from a store. (Shows the store screen) So this is it. This is the ghostbusting store. When and where would there exist a store that sells equipment for catching ghosts? And if the Ghostbusters aren't inventing their own gadgets, then who the hell is?
- Now you're in the Ecto-1, driving down the road, and why you still have to drive to the building is beyond me. On the map screen, it looks like you're right there. And when you move all around, you don't have to drive. Only when you're already AT the building do you need to drive there.
- Well, every car in the city is out to hit you. They move back and forth, nobody stays in their lane, so it looks like the city actually has a bigger problem with drunk drivers than it does with ghosts.
- So as you're constantly running around, emptying you're traps, you'll keep running out of gas. That's right; you can run outta gas in the game! How do you get gas? You need to go to the gas station. What happens if you run outta gas? Two little morons get out to push the car. Do you really have to go to the gas station at all? No! You can also slam in the gas tanks on the highway. So screw the gas station! I wish it was that easy in real life. Need gas? Just run over the gas containers.
- I really hate these driving stages. Naturally, you'll want to speed up to get 'em over with, but when you speed up, your car goes to the top of the screen, and you can't see what's coming at you: whether it be ghosts you're trying to catch, gas barrels, or drunk drivers.
- So you might be wondering, is this all you do in the game? Just go from building to building, catching ghosts, and dodging cars? Well...yes. This is all you do.
- After doing this for so long, you start to wonder, who pays you to catch the ghosts anyway? And why are the ghosts so generic, innocent, and cute-looking? They don't do anything to you, so why are you busting them? 'Cause bustin' makes you feel good? Well, don't the ghosts have a right to death?
- Now, when the ghosts touch you a few times, you fall. And when you fall 3 times, you're dead; then the game's over, and if you wanna try again, you gotta start all over from the beginning. Now let me ask this: Why can't the Ghostbusters use their proton beams here? Well, let me answer my own question. That would mean making the game resemble a decent side-scroller shooter, and the problem there is that the game would actually be kinda good, and apparently, that wasn't what they were going for.
- Eventually you see the "Enter Zuul building" message again, but sometimes you're not fuckin' ready, 'cause there's equipment that you still need to buy in order to get up the stairs. The offer to enter is only good for a short period of time. So, by the time you catch enough ghosts, make enough money and buy the gear you want, it's too late to enter the building. The only way to get that offer again is to go catch more ghosts, and wait another hour, or, however long it takes. The only short way to be able to go in the first time is to trade your traps, the ghost vacuum, and whatever other equipment you don't need for the stairway stage; you can only hold four items at a time anyway, so you absolutely need to trade something in. But, by the time you get the message, drive to the store, trade your shit in, buy the stuff you need and come back to the Zuul building, you're too fuckin' late! So what do ya gotta do now? Catch more fuckin' ghosts! So, go back to the fuckin' store again, trade your regular stuff back, and- Fuck! I hate this fuckin' game! What were they thinking?!
- (after using game cheat) Well, at least now I can't get killed by the ghosts, but that still means that it takes all day to get up the fucking stairs. It just keeps going. Even if you did it with the control pad, it would be tedious. But the fact that you're supposed to tap the button the whole time and dodge ghosts? And I've counted! There's twenty-two floors! Do you think that's enough?! I mean, what the fuck were they fucking thinking?! This is the worst game I've ever played in my life. It's worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... Well, maybe not that bad.
- (after getting to the top) And then they run? They move like slugs the whole fucking time, but as soon as they get to the top, they run like they've got propellers in their asses.
- (In the last screen, fighting Gozer) The whole layout is designed like a grid with a flat gray floor. There's no background; it's just black. The little ghosts with their tongues sticking out look like kindergarten Halloween decorations, and neither Gozer or the dogs move. Hey, I can even name the dogs. That's Vince Clortho and Zuul. Zuul apparently bought the building that they're standing on.
- Now, you know what's really shocking? You're moving around, dodging projectiles, and shooting at things? Kinda like...a game.
- But you know what's really annoying? Every time you go anywhere near the bottom of the screen, this happens. Say hello to Mr. Stay-Puft climbing the building. I don't know what the point is, but every time you accidentally go down there, Stay-Puft's higher up the building. I can guess that when he reaches the top, that can't be good. So let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.
- (after winning game, background flashes) What the fuck... (egregiously misspelled congratulatory message appears on screen) What? W... what? (When "You have completed a great game" appears on screen, The Nerd begins crying)
- Let's play teacher and grade this piece of shit. Since it's really short, let's say ten points off for every error out of a possible one hundred. So, okay, you ready? Here we go. Well, first of all, congratulation's spelled wrong. But it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong, which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So, that's twenty points off for that, just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then, why isn't it plural? You don't usually say "Congratulation"; you say "Congratulations". So, technically, that has nothing to do with the spelling; it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then -- "You have completed a great game"?! Well, that's just simply wrong; twenty points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, you shouldn't have to announce it. So, then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with and. Then you got an extra O in "prooved" -- and proved what? "Proved the justice of our culture"?! So, it's saying that I proved that our culture has justice?! I don't know. "Now go and rest our heroes"? Instead of, "Now, go and rest, comma, our heroes", it's telling you to "go -- rest our heroes". Okay, well, sorry to say we had to take off ninety points. But hey, a score of ten percent means that there's still hope... but wait, is there any reason there's one exclamation mark here and there's three up there? That's another ten points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F minus. (mock-ESRB rating reading, "Rated F for Fuckballs" appears on screen) It should've said, "Congratulations! You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You've proved your nerdiness. Now go fuck yourself!"
- This is a game about the Ghostbusters. After all, it could've acknowledged Egon, Ray, Peter, and Winston. Even the first Ninja Turtles game on Nintendo had all four of the Turtles. There's supposed to be four Ghostbusters, but let's count 'em: there's two who fight the ghosts, three who climb the stairway, two who fight Gozer, and three who enter the headquarters. Now look at the Ghostbusters. You can see they're all completely white, which obviously means that there's no Winston. So Ernie Hudson, you're probably glad you got left out of this crappy game.
- This game sucks. Sucks just like a ghost vacuum!
Atari 2600 Port
- Well you heard me rant about Ghostbusters and you heard me rant it again. Well, since we're on the topic, let's check out Ghostbusters on the Atari 2600. The game starts up right away on the demo screen. So you hit Game Reset, and the game begins with the store. So, you buy your shit, which really weird looking, I don't even know what this things are that you're supposed to be buying. Well just buy them, then leave. Then leave! Leave! You're supposed to play with the difficulty switches to leave the store, but most of the time it doesn't work. So, reset the game, buy your shit again, then leave. Leave!
- Well, basically it's the same shitty Ghostbusters game, except it's Atari. So it's appropriate for its time. It was also on the Commodore 64, so, at the time, this was a decent game. But on the Nintendo Entertainment System, you'd expect something better. (Takes the NES version out of the console and throws it)
Sega Master System Port
- Well, believe it or not, Sega Master System version was superior. Let's check it out. You got a good opening screen, the music sounds a little more lively, and you got that little bouncy ball karaoke thing going on. (suddenly starts singing the theme song) If there's something strange, in your neighbour hood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
- Somebody really favored Sega. Look at all the colors! The ghosts are actually animated, too. There's people walking around. I don't understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. I thought the Ghostbusters were in a car, not a horse and buggy.
- Boom! Look at that! Never seen a car explode just by hitting garbage.
- (on "Game over" screen) "Sorry, but your mission has failed. The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper entered the Zuul..." -- so, it's not the "Zuul building" anymore; it's just "the Zuul" -- "...and caused Gorza..." -- you mean Gozer?! They should actually see the fuckin' movie before they make the damn game! -- "...the enemy boss to awaken and destroy the city. You could not even set foot inside the Zuul because you were unable to earn enough money to gain admittance." Oh, so it's like a museum, or something? You just need to pay to get in? So, all I need is enough money to go up a bunch of stairs and fight a Sumerian shape-shifting god?! "Thus, the city was completely demolished by Gorza. The game is over. Try again from the start." Oh, really? I thought I could try again from the middle.
Sega Genesis Port
- This is what you call a game. I...like this. ...I like this? I can't believe what i'm saying. ...I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from the graves! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! ...But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.
On Ghostbusters II
- Ghostbusters II on Nintendo. Well, here it is. This game starts out with this little intro with Vigo. You see him at the end, too, when you lose. And both times -- he does the Elvis lip... So, the first level is under the subway at the river of slime. And that's right. Wow. The game actually has levels with a simple goal: To get to the end without dying. And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around zapping ghosts. So it's a huge, huge improvement over the first game... But that's not saying much; it still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fuckin' asshole! And that's interesting, because, the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. But, a not-so-good movie equals a game... that's not as shitty.
- It's also stupid that "A" shoots slime and "B" jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for "Start" and "Select"; they don't do donkey dick! Usually, "Start" is pause, but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. (throws controller) I mean, if you gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit... it's like, "Tough shit if ya gotta take a shit! Ya gotta take a quick shit! Ya gotta have turbo turds!" I'm tryin' to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry! I'm playing Ghostbusters II on Nintendo." What a selfish game! Bottom line, have a fuckin' pause button! God damn it! (throws down toy Ectomobile in anger)
- Damn, I hate all this shit. Fuck. Bitch. Ass! It pisses me off! Well, like they say: "It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on."
- Hey, come here. That! It's dog shit. That's what it reminds me of. This game reminds me of dog shit!
- So, you're just climbin' up the building. You're shooting with the web, which is, like, black for some reason. It almost looks like Spider-Man's shootin' out, like, a long turd, or somethin.
- You can shoot diagonal too, but it's real finnicky with the controller.
- Well, we got another game for the NES, and we're gonna play it in the Top Loader. Yeah, we're bein' pretty fancy today. The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.
- The control is awful! And the worst thing about trying to review a game with bad control is that you can't explain it.
- Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself.
- It's a piece of shit! It's a bunch of fucking crap!
- Alright, we got another game on the Game Boy. To play the Game Boy, ya need the game. Here's the game, that's the Boy. This is the Game Boy.
- The game is The Amazing Spider-Man, and believe it or not, the control is even worse.
- The punch is delayed, like, a full second later.
- (Trying to climb the wall) Look at this, it's just all this falling rock crap on me. (Tries to jump, falls off and dies) Oh, there's a suicide button in the game!
- This is god awful. This is ass!
On the Sega CD
- Wow. It's like you get to play the games... on a CD! (shows Sega Classics 4-in-1 CD to the camera) Check out the graphics! Full motion video! Opposed to video, that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 megahertz processor! Holy shit! This thing... is total fuckin' gar-bitch! How would you like it if I conducted the rest of the videos like this? (video changes to lower-resolution, less colors, lower framerate) Full motion video, my ass! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!
- ...And, oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system. Instead, it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem. The load times. Load of shit! You can go dump your ass in the time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.
- Maybe someday I'll review some of these games in greater detail, but for most of them, there's really not much to say. Like this one for example. Sewer Shark. For this game, all I have is a two word review: "Shit Shark"!
- The only memorable game from the top of my head is Sonic CD, which is debatably the best Sonic game ever made. It's definetly one of the most confusing ones too. (Sonic keeps on bouncing around the springs with the background moving quite fast) God! Holy shit! I'm gonna be sick.
- The Sega CD. It was one of the first CD-based systems of its time. So, it was kinda fascinating when it came out. The problem was, it was too expensive, the technology was just too young and just wasn't there yet, and -- I don't know one person who had a Sega CD. And why is that? Because it fuckin' su -- (speed of voice gradually decreasing) -- 'cause it fuck -- 'cause it fuck -- 'cause it fuckin' sucks!
- Great game, huh? It's not even like playing a game! It's like watching a movie... a bad movie.
On Slam City
- (tries to throw a basketball) Ok, I really don't know what I'm doing.
- (two street basketball players are talking unintelligibly "Yo, crush 'im like a walnut" "Yeah, then sprinkle 'im on some salad" "And put some dressin' on the boy!") What are they saying? (two other start talking and laughing in distorted quality) Okay...
On Night Trap
On Time Gal
- There's some minor things that annoy me. Look in the background. This is the longest block in the world. And there's alotta National Rubber Stamp Companies. How do they fit so many people in the car? Then there's this big-ass van. But now this time, there's only one guy in there. There isn't even a driver.
- The teacher talks to you. Ya come up with answers. Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny"-- The frog's name is Horny?!
On Road Avenger
- I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and I get so bored with it, I shut it off before I run into a single dinosaur.
- I want some dinosaurs, damn it!
On Prize Fighter
- Prize Fighter. Reminds me of Raging Bull. I wait, like, 8 minutes for the fight to start, and then what happens? I just get clobbered. I don't even know how to play this. I just tap buttons.
- All I do is just swat past him. How do I hit him?! Do I really care anyway? Nope.
- Now we got "Sol-Feace". ...More like "Sol-Feces!"
- You're just goin' around...beating the shit out of animals. Yeah, punch 'em! Damn bats! Ungh! Yeah! Fuckin' bitches! Kick 'em in the face! Ungh! Fuckin' rats!
- So this game's pretty funny, but the control just sucks, especially this part where you have to jump over these rocks. (Tries to jump from one rock to the next; misses)
- (Jumps and lands on the plank of a bridge, then promptly falls off) Oh, that was ridiculous! I landed right on that!
On Wonder Dog
- Now we got... "Wonder Dog"... First ya get this long cartoon. Some overly happy kid is walkin' with his dog; everything's fine. Then some guy shows up, takes the kid away. And then the dog goes inside his giant, metal dick with balls, and he conveniently finds a costume and becomes Wonder Dog. Now we actually get into the game, and...you're just shootin' stars at rabbits. Yeah, kill those fuckin' rabbits! (tries to jump over a platform) Can't get up there! Hungh! Get up there! Damn it!
On the Sega 32X
- The Sega CD has its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong; it's a piece of shit, but it has certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God, it sucks. You plop it on top of the Genesis like they're mating. God, do ya think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable! It's just like a big ugly tumor! I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis?! That poor Genesis is just thinking, "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me!" It's, like, getting gang raped; both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time! And picture this. If it were a Model 1 Genesis, it would be even more of a spectacular mess. There's these metal prongs that you have to insert in its slot.
- There's something wrong here. This whole thing is just a mountain of cock-a-dooky.
- What does the 32X do? Well it's compatible with your old 16-bit Genesis games. But it also has its own library of 32-bit games.
- Oh, you gotta love this. No end labels on the cartridges. May I ask why? Here's the Genesis games, you can read 'em. You can see what they are. If I'm trying to pick out a game, I can just visually scan my eyeballs across them without having to do this: (pulls 32X cartridges out to see what they are, one by one) Oh, what's this? Oh, oh Virtua Fighter? What's this? Oh, Star Wars? What's this? Primal Rage? The same thing as Atari. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, labeled, and not labeled. Even Nintendo's guilty of the same thing. If you label the older games, why can't ya do the same with the newer ones?! Who came along and said "Okay, we're gonna have better graphics, better games, and, oh, those end labels gotta go"? When did this idea of simple convenience become obsolete?
- Now about the 32X. Hooking up this bastard is just insane. Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fucking power adapter. That's great. I mean, now you've got three, and trying to hook 'em all up at the same time is a friggin' nightmare. Let's look at the most minimum amount of effort it could possibly take. So I'll plug it into the TV. Obviously I cannot plug in all three of these things. So here's the most basic power strip you can get, every big store sells these things, these are common. So I plug in my fucking power strip, or whatever, here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and -- (cannot fit Sega 32X power cord in power strip) -- bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't they go sideways? Or, better yet, why the hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (picks up normal plug) Even the Atari 5200, with its huge-ass box, it still ends with a normal plug! You know, that really pisses me off. I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that. We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room?! These fuckin' things should be banned! Have these! (picks up normal plug) Not these! (picks up box plug)
- So, anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage. (nothing but background appears on screen) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all! (enters character select screen) What is this? W-wait a minute. (game begins, background moves but still no sprites on screen) Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters?! I'm playing invisible Primal Rage!
- Let's try Virtua Fighter. (still no sprites on screen) What the fuck?! Guess what? We left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted onto the top of the Genesis?! Why does it need another connector? Look at this! It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis. And that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.
- Like my Sega CD video, keep in mind I am limited to how many games I can review. I am aware that I am leaving out popular ones such as Snatcher on the Sega CD, and Knuckles' Chaotix on the 32X. But remember; If I don't have the game, I can't review it.
- The bottom line: The 32X sucked -- and it was one of the biggest failures of all time. And just to celebrate their failure... or... just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which require both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if ya happen to own both this pile of vomit, and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together!
- Only about forty games or less were made for the 32X before it bit the dust. I mean, what kind of marketing is that?! What were they thinking?! And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in-between called the Neptune, which was scrapped pretty quickly. All it was gonna be was a stand-alone 32X, anyway... which is what it should've fucking been in the first place!
- Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait, and stores were selling the 32X for about twenty dollars. I got mine at a flea market for two dollars and fifty cents. I am dead fuckin' serious. Now, excuse me, I gotta send this fuckin' shit back to the fires of hell. (goes outside, lights 32X on fire, shoots 32X with arrow)
On Primal Rage
- You got all the moves; the farting, the puking, the pissing -- which I can't do, so, if you wanna try that out, be my guest.
- I'm sorry, but when I have to download a move list and remember all kinds of combinations of buttons, that just ruins the game for me.
- ...then you got Doom which is one of my all-time favorites, but the music sounds like shit. (music from the 32X version plays) Compare it to the Super Nintendo version. (music from the SNES version plays)
- Also the SNES version has more levels, but what it lacks is the graphics, they're horrible. On the 32X they're better. I mean, everything should be better!
- The graphics are... balls. Everything looks like a polygon...and it's...putting me to sleep.
- Alright, this is Silver Surfer. Silver Shit.
- So, it's just like one of those flying shooting games, kinda like Defender or Life Force, ya know. Nothin' too special, but, not bad, actually.
- (Silver Surfer hits wall and dies) 'The fuck?... I can't touch the walls? That's right. You can't touch anything in is this game. So don't fuck around.
- So, there ya go, shootin' the rubber ducky which doesn't die.
- If you play this game, one thing I can guarantee is that your thumb is gonna get pretty damn sore from tapping that button. There's not one instant where you can take a break. You're constantly firing away. Even if there's no one in sight, 'cause you never know what's coming up. I mean, there's no reason not to be shooting. And this wouldn't bother me so fuckin' much if you could just hold down the button and let it keep shooting, but, no! Of course not. So what you need is a Turbo Controller. Whether it's an NES Advantage or an NES Max, put that other fuckin' controller away, press that "Turbo" button, and never let go.
- What a cruel game.
- This is just ridiculous. Just staying within this narrow range. It's like playin' the game Operation... but with a buncha shit flyin' around tryin' to kill you!
- Ya know, it's so easy to die in this game, and every time you die, you have to see this. This sad, pathetic image of Silver Surfer just trembling in defeat. If you play this game, this image will be burned into your retina. And how appropriate, because this picture expresses better than words my feelings on this game. Just look at it. That sums up the whole thing. What did I say before? "This game's not bad"? Well, no -- it isn't bad; it's fuckin' horrible! And I dare you to play it!
- The difficulty is legendary. This is the grand champion of hard motherfuckin' games. It doesn't fuck around.
- Now we're in Firelord, Section 2. Whoa, watch the fire. Oh, shit! Fuckin'... jack-o'-lanterns?!
- You fuckin' pumpkin piece of shit!
- Okay, this time stay at the top. Don't get hit. Don't get hit. Get under that thing, here we go. Get -- Yes. Yes. Yes! (dies) No!
- You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. Ya know, if you beat the game, it probably just says "The end", and that's it. So, to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd. (continues playing)
- There's so many obstacles, it's unbeliev -- I can't touch that red pot?!
- Now, this is really a bitch. I mean, all these ghouls coming at me. They got bats, jack-o'-lanterns, and now ghosts? It's like another kindergarten Halloween game; they should've just called it -- ("Boo!: Haunted House!" appears on screen) Whatever.
- This is just insane! I mean, look at all this! Oh, my God! So much shit, so much shit!
- You fuckin' ghosts! You fuckin' motherfuckin' pieces of shit! Ugh! I hate those gargoyles! It's shit all over the place! I hate 'em. I just fuckin' hate 'em. Look at this. This pattern is just insane. It's basically bunches of lines waving across the screen. And if you go through any of those paths, you're dead.
- Let's pause it, just look. Any of these areas are dead zones. You have stuff coming at you every which way, which means there's not one safe spot, and because you need to keep moving forward, you're in danger's way all the time. So you need to play the shit out of it until you know in advance exactly what's gonna happen.
- This game just pukes snot up my ass! I mean, it's like, you touch the top of the building, you die; you touch the ceiling, you die; you touch the floor, you die; too far to the right, you die; too far to the left, you die; ya die, ya die, ya die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die! (imitating Silver Surfer's defeated pose) Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it...
- Sometimes ya come to, like, a blockade of enemies; just a flood of bullets just comin' down the whole screen. It's just one big dead zone. If you're in that area, you're simply dead.
- This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot without your toes or heels touching the floor. It would be easier to pick fly shit outta pepper... while wearing boxing gloves!
- The fact that you can get hit once pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. How do you die from just touching a wall?! I can understand if he's flying at like, two hundred miles per hour, and he crashes into the wall, but the fact that he just touches the wall and dies is just ridiculous.
- I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So, why'd they make him into a wimp? Why's he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a cry baby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like, what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult!
- Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like havin' an anal evacuation!
On Die Hard
- So, I'm about to review Die Hard for Nintendo, but, before I begin, I think I need to address the kind of disturbing -- maybe offensive -- nature of the front cover. (box art features a tower exploding at the top) What does this remind you of?!
- So, is this game gonna be good, or is it gonna suck? Well, take a wild fuckin' guess!
- (John McClane refuses to climb down roof) Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No, I'm not gonna do that"? Goin' back to Mario again, what if Mario just said, "You know, I'm really not feelin' up to jumpin' over that platform; no, thanks"? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fuckin' kill himself?!
- So I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen. Then the police car blows up, and I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?" But then Steve Urkel comes on and I'm like, "What the fuck?"
- There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys comin' outta your ass! It's crazy!
- This game's being ass!
- "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" (throws cartridge behind him; it thereupon explodes)
- Oh, God. Oh, God! Let me ask ya a question: What'd you get when ya take a movie that's ass, and make into a game? You get a piece of shit. Now, if ya get a piece of ass, that's a good thing, but if you get a piece of shit... you don't want that.
- To describe this game's assness, all I can say is... it's very ass.
- Where are those fuckin' generators? (ship flies 360º around screen) Look, I'm goin' around in three-sixty, and I can't find 'em! Where are they, God damn it?!
- I gotta get away from this game. I gotta get outta this room. I gotta... I gotta go out somewhere and do something wild... Like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!
- Ya know, I've played a lot of shit in my day, but this game is... fuck.
- ...Celebrate your independence -- not to play shitty fucking games!
- All right, so there were a lot of Simpsons games. "Simpsons" games up the ass. Games like Krusty's Funhouse, Bart vs. The Juggernauts, Bart's Nightmare. There were "Simpsons" games on just about every game console. But there's two in particular that I remember from the Nintendo Entertainment System: "Bart vs. the Space Mutants" and "Bart vs. the World". These games rank up with the most classic pop culture memories. But if you play 'em today, all it does is remind you how much they pissed...you...off. Bringin' back the horrible memories of these games can be best described like this: imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an air-tight container. Then, like 20 years later, ya open that shit up, ya take a good smell, and there ya go. Welcome back.
- So, this is "Bart vs. the Space Mutants"... The plot involves aliens that are trying to build an ultimate weapon to take over the world, which sounds simple and cliché. However, in order to build this weapon, whatever that is, it requires one ingredient: purple colored objects! What kind of time constraint were they under when they came up with that?!
- These vases are also a pain in the ass! They're too short to spray when you're on the ledge, so you gotta keep jumping and spraying.
- And you know, why is the Simpsons theme song still playing? It's good for the beginning, but when ya have to listen to it for ten straight minutes? What a shit load of fuck!
- ...It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you just go around killing aliens; not making purple things not purple?! Why not just fuckin' shit all over and make everything brown?!
- ...It's also really funny that people just casually walk by. If I was walkin' through the mall and I saw giant, bouncing donuts and killer marshmallows, walking shoes, spring-jumping shoes, moon-walking shoes, paper bags with legs, paper bags with scary fuckin' heads, and killer towels, I think I'd shit my pants. Shit would come out of my ass.
- Here we go, gonna get the hat! Get the hat! (gets the hat, but drowns in the cement) D'oh!
- (Bart dies in the cement) Eat my fuckin' shorts!
- (Bart jumps on lollipops changing from vertical to horizontal positions) Here are lollipops. You gotta land on them when they're horizontal. (a glitch occurs when Bart jumps through a lollipop when supposedly trying to land) You motherfucker! I went right through it!
- Now, I don't have a problem with challenge, but when the challenge is based on how fuckin' crippled the controls are, then fuck it! (as he puts on "Bart Vs. The World") Eat my shorts. Eat 'em good. Right after I took a shitty diarrhea dump.
- (on mini-games) Then ya got "Dodge the Beer and Get the Krusty Head". Krusty heads are good; beer is bad. Makes a whole lot of sense.
- (jumps down to lone platform) Oh, look. There's Maggie. ...What do I do here? ...OK, a boat comes and explodes? I don't get it. Now where do I go? I'm stuck here. Maggie, can ya help? No? Well, suck my ass! Guess I'm just gonna commit suicide. Love how Bart doesn't even give a shit. He's pretty depressed. I'd be, too.
- These glaciers are the worst. To make 'em move, ya gotta jump on 'em. Of course. Gettin' across them is a bitch; tryin' to avoid the birds is a mother bitch! (dies) Fuck! All right, here we go. (dies) Damn! Fuck, fuck fuck! The boss battle is with "The Abominable Snowburns"; obviously a take off The Abominable Snowman... which isn't from the North Pole!
- Then ya get the end screen which says, "It's too bad ya didn't get all the unique Krusty items. We had a special surprise for you." It's like at the end of Bubble Bobble when ya don't get the correct happy ending. It's like, ya know, "Fuck you! I beat the game; I don't give a shit."
- I just wanted to point out that for a game titled "Bart vs. the World", there really isn't a lot of the world in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fuckin' educational, right? When I was 11 years old, my whole world was video games. Just locked in my room playin' "Bart vs. the Space Mutants" and all this crap. (on the verge of tears) But I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! I-It ruined my life! (drinks Rolling Rock) Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit; now I'm gonna eat my own shorts! (eats own boxer shorts)
- Wow! how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout alright. "Blowout" your ass!
- Basically, you're Bugs Bunny going around with a hammer in a Mario-like setting, really nothing special. In fact, it's one of the most sickening side-scrollers I've ever seen. Because when you walk, the screen does that strobe effect. I'm not kidding! It makes me sick! Even worse when there's an earthquake. Oh, come on! That's cruel!
- (after collecting carrots and clearing the first stage) Yeah. This game's a no brainer.
- I can't believe it in my own house! Bugs Bunny! Bugs fuckin' Bunny! (punches him in the stomach, then on the face)
- So you can already guess that all of the bosses are Looney Tunes characters. like Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fuckin' Fudd, and Pepé Le Shit.
- The enemies in this game are really, really weird. There are these walking boxes with the letter "S", little hammer-head guys, Oscar the Grouch (Shows unidentifiable enemy) and I don't know, I guess they're floating...dead cats.
- These clocks are the worst. They're all over the place, you can't hit 'em without getting yourself blown up, and every time you hit 'em, they explode for, like, 3 hours, and you gotta wait for it to stop. But immediately, another one falls in its place! So I just run right through 'em; I just don't even care!
- You know something I should've done a thousand times by now? Die. But -- I'm not dying. You know why? Because this game's too fuckin' easy! I'm just walking through the levels, getting hit by everything in sight, not caring whether I lose all my lives or beat the game; whichever comes first, I welcome it. But all I know is that this game is going on, and on, and on.
- Come on, I really don't care about the damn bonus game! This game is garbage. (while slamming Bugs Bunny's head on the floor repeatedly) I'd rather put my balls in a crocodile's mouth while shoving my head up a unicorn's asshole!
- A lot of times you're supposed to break blocks to get where you're supposed to go which is tedious as all hell -- What a shitty ass load of God damn bullfuck!
- Oh I hate this shit right here, these platforms keep disappearing when you jump on them (falls and dies) Fuck!
- I hate those stars. I really, really, fuckin' hate 'em! You can't do anything if you get your self hit.
- This game is way too generous with the extra lives.
- Well, here's Tweety again, I hate this little bastard! Hey get out here, you little Tweety fuck!
- He's one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time, but his leap to the Nintendo Entertainment System was just a total fuckin' shitbomb!
- Here we are, at the last guy. It's Taz. All you do is knock those footballs back at him and he's done. I beat it! Now get out of here!
- (game reveals that antagonists' actions were simply "some very funny tricks") I'll show you some funny tricks! (tackles Bugs Bunny)
- Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout?! How 'bout Bugs Bunny's Birthday Beating?! (punches Bugs Bunny)
- You want a Shoryuken?
- (imitating Porky Pig) Uh duh, uh duh, uh duh, uh duh. That's all, fucks! (gives "the finger")
On Atari Porn
- (documentary style) This is George Armstrong Custer. He was born December 5, 1839. He was a commander in what was known as the American Civil War and the Indian Wars. In early 1876, thousands of Native Americans escaped from their reservations, and military officers were ordered to force them back. On June 25, 1876, Custer and his troops engaged in battle with the Lakota and Northern Cheyenne tribes near Little Big Horn River in Montana. His forces were defeated, and Custer was killed in this day of history known as Custer's Last Stand... Now, why the fuck am I tellin' ya this?! Because I once had a class all about this kind of stuff. And after a whole day talkin' about General Custer, the teacher goes, "So, there were lots of books about General Custer; there were lots of movies and cartoons. Anybody know of something that Custer was in? Anybody? Anything about Custer?" And I was just thinkin', "Please. Stop tempting me," because I just wanted to raise my hand and say, "Uh, yeah. Actually, there's an Atari game, Custer's Revenge, where ya fuck a naked chick up against a cactus."
- ...[A]nyway, I find the picture on the front really weird. The girl's depicted in a realistic style, where Custer is like a cartoon character. And he's way smaller than her, and he's got a hairy ass. Well, let's pop this piece of shit in and give it a go.
- I don't even need to comment. Look at this. Well, you're both completely naked -- Well, maybe not completely naked. Ya got a cowboy hat, a pair of boots, and a scarf, or an ascot. Heh. Ascot.
- So the goal is to get over there, and rape her. It's terrible; I can't believe I'm playin' this. Yeah! Fuck her! Fuck her! Fuck her! Fuck her! Fuck her! That's funny, right? Well, it's funny for about two minutes; then it gets boring.
- He's under attack and yet he still has the balls to fuck this naked woman against a cactus, or at least, I think it's a cactus, with Atari you really can't tell.
- All you do is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears!
- It's nothing more than a joke. It stirred up alotta outrage when it came out in 1982. Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and I'm offended, because this game's a fuckin' piece of shit!
- Now, if you think that's crazy that there exists a pornographic Atari game, well, guess what? There's tons of 'em! And Atari had nothing to do with it. See, today this would never be allowed, but back then, anybody could make a game for the Atari 2600 and sell it. So, you wanna see more? (brief pause) You sick bastards!
- Alright, what kind of surprise do we have in here? Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. A girl lickin' an ice cream cone. But what the fuck's the title about? It doesn't sound pornographic; it sounds violent, like ya beat somebody and eat 'em. (turns game on) Oh. I get it... Beat 'Em... and Eat 'Em. Oh, dear. What have I gotten myself into?
- Let's take a look at the manual, and here it says, "The object of the game is to eat 'em every time he beats 'em. You score one point for each and every drop you swallow without a miss. But should you miss, shame on you. You lose one turn. After all, it could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." What kind of sense does that make?! (throws manual) So, the gameplay's basically the same sorta thing as Kaboom! Except Kaboom! was a great game. But this -- this is just a miserable shitload of fuck!
- Ya get an extra life if ya get 69 points. That's clever, right?
- Y'know, there's really somethin' wrong with this whole scene; you gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof. What kind of sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy; either he has a huge dick or he's a dwarf. What the fuck kind of game is this?
- Whoa, watch out, guys! Some crazy bitch's bouncin' off the walls! And it hardly even looks like a girl; it could be Swamp Thing for all I care.
- You control that thing on the left to catch the girl, and just... bang all the guys. What a whore.
- Ya know, that's really weird. Could you imagine if you're just sittin' around, mindin' your own business, then, all of a sudden, some naked chick breaks in and starts humpin' the crap outta ya? (stares intently at door, nothing happens) You know, that's not fair. I mean, I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Spider-Man, Bugs Bunny... but no naked chick. Fuck this shit.
- If ya break into the wrong house, ya get kicked out and the cops come after you. You don't wanna get caught by the cops or the bad guy. I guess he's supposed to be a mugger or a rapist. How ironic.
- So, the cops are after the bad guy, the bad guy's after you, and you? You're after cock.
On Philly Flasher
- Now, we got Philly Flasher. Somebody please explain this one to me. Philly Flasher? Like, Philadelphia? What's Philadelphia make ya think of? Ben Franklin? The Liberty Bell? Rocky? Cheese steaks? A witch shootin' milk out her tits? Well, it's no doubt that the game could take place in any city, and that the title's only phonetic. It might as well be Chicago Shit Fucker or Dallas Dick Kicker.
- I don't get it; is this supposed to be erotic? I don't know about you, but I'm not at all turned on by some old wrinkly shitty witch titties; that's fuckin' nasty, man! What sick fuck came up with this? What were they thinking?!
On Knight on the Town
- Now, we got Knight on the Town. I suppose you're a knight, and you're on a quest for the holy ass.
- Watch out for that crazy monster, and if the aligators get you, they bite your dick off!
- I don't have any idea what these things on their heads are. They look like Dr. Seuss characters. But one thing I never expected to see Dr. Seuss characters do is this. (characters have sexual intercourse)
On Jungle Fever
- Alright, just one more game, because I've had enough. This one is Jungle Fever. I like to call it Jungle Cunt. Well, honestly, I don't know what to say about this one. How did they come up with this stuff?! "Alright, guys, let's have a naked big breasted woman hangin' from a helicopter shootin' at flames with some naked guy in between and some cannibal bitches -- I guess -- tryin' to kill ya." What the fuck?!
- If you had a subscription, you were the man. One of your friends'll be breakin' their balls to beat some game, and you'll be, like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game," or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, mother fucker!
- One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a bunch of nerds showin' off their high scores. But how ya prove it? Ya gotta take a photo of your screen. And nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then. So, ya take a picture of your screen; ya have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And there could be, like, twenty other pictures on the roll, so, ya have to either waste them all or wait till it gets finished. Ya get your mom or dad to take it to the store and get the picture developed. It comes back, and what does it look like? (shows blurry photo, supposedly to be photo of high score) Looks like fuckin' shit! So, Nintendo Power printed some guidelines basically saying, "Look, dumb shits, here's how ya do it." And -- if my game said "Cheese!", I think I'd shit my pants. And -- if I was wearing that, I'd have problems.
- Remember that shitty movie The Wizard? And that fuckin' dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited; I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face.
- This one says 'In-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to 'Castlevania'. This one says 'Back to the Future has that distinctive LJN style, and an interesting timer.' Wow. They knew it was bad.
- (on the Top 30) ...[I]t was only NES for a while. But then they started doin' the top SNES and Gameboy games. They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy. That's just hilarious, because that's almost the whole library of games for that fuckin' piece of shit!
- Here's a page on Clash at Demonhead. Just a nice page, everything's fine. But then there's something that bothered me. What's this? He's flipping the bird. He's giving the finger. And I'm not making this up!
- The ads were kinda weird. (ad depicts a boy holding a stack of games while riding a surfboard) This kid better be careful not get those games wet. ...Actually those games suck ass; throw 'em to the sharks. Wow! There ya go! Huddle around the phone; charge your parents's phone bill up the ass! (reading ad) 'Unmask the power animal in you...' Uh-oh. Here we go. (turns page) '...and radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!' Holy shit! Will it make me grow claws like that? You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flyin' a Jeep through space, goin' ape shit with Nintendo controllers.
- As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being...fuckin' disgusting. Why the hell is there a picture of a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine?! What were they thinking?! Here's the worst one yet. It's some creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. God damn! One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open, unless ya got a barf bag! (reads an issue, then vomits in a barf bag)
- There was also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill and Ted's phone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II?! Oh, that's a great prize; that movie never got fuckin' made, unless ya count Son of Mask, but that wasn't until about ten years later. And did they give the winner a raincheck for that? To be in a movie with a computer-generated baby, or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?
- There was a contest to design enemies for future 'Mega Man' games. Some of the entries would include Balloon Man, Sun Man, Yo-Yo Man, Spring Man, Magic Man, Clock Man, Whip Man, Spook Man, Clown Man. And the only female characters were Mega Woman and Mega Girl. Then there's...Weaseletta and...Terror Teddy?! What the fuck..?
- Here's somebody sending a recipe for Mike Tyson's Punch. Ugh. That's funny. And, oh, my God, here we go. We got a 'Zelda' rap. (rapping) 'It's The Legend of Zelda, and it's really bad / The creatures in the game are really rad'-- This sounds familiar. Alright, now we got some Mario jokes. 'Why did Mario cross the road? Because he couldn't find a Warp Zone. What kind of fish would dare to attack Mario? A barakoopa. How does Mario know what will happen in the future? He uses a Luigi board.' Augh. Alright, now we got some 'Zelda' jokes. 'How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used his hookshot. What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce. What did Link say to Ganon when he captured Zelda? Leever alone!'
- Oh, here's a good complaint. 'So, nice names guys. Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, PilotWings 64, Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, an the list goes on. Yeesh! I'm not really mad, but I think you guys could at least put some effort into the names of games.' He totally has a good point. But here's the response. 'So you're saying that you wouldn't be in favor of our plan to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?' Wow! What an asshole!
- Okay, here's my letter. 'Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?!'
- You were expecting maybe the Ninja Turtles?
- C'mon, you fuckin' pieces of shit! Still multiplying! They don't die. They don't die.
- Die, you fuckin' frogs! Jeez, can Fester move any slower? Ugh... yes he can, if he gets hit by frog spit that is. Oh shit. C'mon. Oh no... Oh Jesus Christ! You fuckers!
- (after dying) Well, I'll might as well continue... What? Continue, my ass! This doesn't look like continuing, you got the same weapon and items though, whoopity-fuckin'-doo, but you start back at the beginning of the game.
- (coming across a dead end) I can't use the gun. I am so fuckin' dead. So fuckin' dead. Oh, my God, If I can get past this one guy... oh shit!
- (opening door) Oh nice, beautiful. it's one of those half-ass first-person sorta deals. In the 8-bit era, It's was kinda cool to see anything that's three dimentional, but it's a fuckin' pile of steaming goat shit.
- (re-opening door) You're kidding me. I gotta use another key? What, does the door eat the key or something?
- What's the point of this anyway? Are there enemies to fight? No. Is there a time limit? No. Are there any items to get? No, except I've got one power up.
- ...but why have this maze thing? It sucks anus.
- So you play as Gomez, just walking around. A regular side-scroller- Oh shit! It's a ghost! Oh my fucking God. And there's like monster broccoli, zombies, monkeys in spinning tea cups, and a ton of unnameable things.
- Game's not so hard, but it's easy to die, if that makes any sense, and this is due to two fatal flaws: One, the control is too sensitive. You just slide all over the place. And the other thing is that you have to be completely accurate to jump on your enemies. Look at this. I jump on both these guys, one of 'em dies, and the other one kills me. Like on Fester's Quest, at the start of the game, you only have 2 units of life, So if you're like me, you're gonna die, and die, and die, and die.
- Alright, let's try harder! No fuckin' around!
- Alright, just keep jumping the peng- ugh! But I jumped on him, are you kidding me? Man, fuck this game! This game is ass!
- All right, Texas Chain Saw Massacre on the Atari 2600. Let's pop this shit fucker in and give it a go.
- Now I gotta admit, there's not really much to say. You control Leatherface, the chainsaw murdering psycho man and you just go around killing people. That's right. You're the bad guy. Now I think I understand why this game is so offensive. Sure the graphics don't look too violent. But just the idea, the goal of the game is to murder innocent girls. Damn! Look at That! You get a thousand points everytime you sliced the living flash of someone.
- That's it! Go Leatherface! Cut them bitches up! Get Her! Get Her! (character kills girl) Yeah!
- Now compared to something like Grand Theft Auto, this doesn't look like much. Except here, the only goal is to slaughter people where in Grand Theft Auto, there's other objectives. Now as far as Atari goes, there's not much point of playing about the graphics but they could have at least made his chainsaw a different colour than his body? It just blends in. It's like his arms are like tangled together or like he has a big jaggered dick coming out of his chest. Like what the hell, man?
- The dead girl's another thing that confuses me. What is this? I see two puddles of blood. But what's happened to her body? I mean, I know it's all cut up but looking at it doesn't make any sense. Is she upside down? It really takes a lot of imagination to see this if anything than a coloured mess of pixels. Another thing really screwed up is that the vehicle is almost big as the house and the trees are huge. The trunks are lower half as wide as the house and they're further back which means that they're probably even bigger than that. The scaling perspective in the game is all fucked up.
- (on cartridge) What is this? Is this a bootleg? You'd think, right? But, no; this is the real game! They actually sold this! Now, not every cartridge of Halloween was like this, but, as Wizard Video Games was liquidating their inventory, they started doing this to minimize costs. Have you ever heard of a video game company that was cheap enough to just use a marker and write the name of the game on it?!
- You know, all these colored rooms kinda remind of the Poe story, "Masque of the Red Death".
- You can find this black sword or somethin'; I don't know. Maybe it's like a nightstick or a billy club. I'd suggest that it's a knife, but it's almost as big as your body, so your guess is as good as mine. It could be a big black dildo for all I care.
- Ya know, it's all comin' back to me now. I remember once long ago, I had this game in my possession. I just remember seeing this blank cartridge for a pale, emotionless game with the dullest graphics and the most awful gameplay. I spent eight years tryin' to figure it out, and another seven tryin' to keep it locked in my closet because I realized what was living behind that game: it was simply evil.
- Boo!: Haunted House!
- Wait a minute; it's -- it's Meatwad! Yeah, it's fuckin' Meatwad!
- (The Twilight Zone music plays) Ooh, so now it's the Twilight Zone.
- "It's alive! It's alive!" How 'bout, "It's ass! It's ass!"?
- Actually, it's pretty stunning. As far as the graphics go, there's a lot going on.
- Your only enemies seem to be this little blue ghost and spiders, and I'm fine with that, I guess; don't really expect much, but who are you supposed to be? This regular guy in a baseball hat?
- Alright, my first impression is the graphics are quite good for the NES, and the character animation is well-detailed. But, the controls are delayed beyond belief. (walks into portcullis and collapses into pile of bones) Did I just die by walking into the fucking door?! Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything. Even if you stop to jump, you end up falling through the bridge.
- Well, we already know you can't go through the door, so I'm gonna assume you gotta kill the dragon, but -- what the asshole?! Why can't I duck? I just wanna duck down and throw my daggers at the dragon, but, no. It doesn't let you duck. Have you played a game where the basic controls differ depending on which side of the screen you're standing on?
- Wow, that was close. Okay, c'mon, duck. Shit! Alright, here we go. Duck down, kill the dragon -- son of a ass!
- Another problem is that the dragon doesn't come up high enough to be able to hit with your dagger, unless you're squatting. But when you're squatting, the dragon stays below the bridge. It literally reacts to your every move. So, what do ya do? Do ya stand? Do ya duck? Either way, you're fucked. The decisions to make in this game are similar to if, say, you're standing in a pool full of piss, all the way up to your neck. Then, somebody comes in with a bucket full of shit to dump on your head. Do ya duck down under the piss, or do ya just stay up and take on the shit?
- This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, "Hey, ya wanna play a game? Here ya go! Ya fuckers!"
- I heard that the PAL version is much smoother. I might have saved myself a few hundred e-mails by mentioning that.
- Now, unlike most NES games where B attacks and A jumps, this one's the opposite, which takes some time to get used to. I mean, what's with this backwards-ass bullshit?
- But, you know what's really sad? This is the first screen of the game. I haven't even gotten past the first screen yet.
- Now, ya know what else is bullshit? Everything kills you with only one hit. The dragon, the fireball, the moat, the door... but the bat just takes away a tiny bit of life from... your life bar. Yeah, that's right. You have a life bar. I didn't even notice, but, what's the point? Because everything that hits you it kills you instantly! I can guarantee that the only way you're gonna die from this bat is if you stand absolutely still and just wait. I've clocked it. It takes one minute and thirteen seconds for this bat to drain your energy. That's eleven hits. Well, why ten, when it can take eleven?
- Ya know, this whole game is all about trial and error. The only way to get through it is to memorize everything that happens. And, once again, I'd like to stress, what's the point of having an energy bar when everything kills you with one hit!? One... fucking... hit!
- Now, this is the worst. Just gotta watch the pattern. Up, down, up. Down, up... (dies) fuck! Oh, God. Ugh. ("Game Over" appears on screen) Game over? (game begins again) Oh, no. No, Please no!
- Man... Man, fuck that shit! Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! God damn, it makes me -- (imitation gun shots while performing "bang bang" gesture, pretending to shoot fingers off, leaving only middle finger) Man, fuck this game, man! Man, Jesus Christ! I'd rather fuckin' sixty-nine a grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fuckin' stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal wastes! Man, fuck this game! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to oblivion, fuck it to damnation of mankind! (the opened door closes by itself; he walks into door and collapses into a heap of bones)
- Home Alone 2 on the N-E-Fuckin'-S!
- Now, I'm really scraping the bottom of the shit barrel with this one. I mean the first Home Alone game was so bad. Why would you even bother with this one?! Well, it's a dirty job and somebody's gotta do it.
- Now, the first thing I noticed about this game -- besides the title screen and the strangely placed credit scroll -- is that the game was actually made in memory of someone. Now, that's sad.
- Another thing I noticed right away was that the sound effects were taken right from Bart vs. the Space Mutants. Now, that's common for a video game company to recycle their own sound effects. But that was Acclaim, this is THQ. Damn robbers!
- There's a guy throwing a key. Now, in the world of video games, a key is usually a good thing. You collect keys and use them to open doors. But not this game, the key kills you!
- Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fuckin' ladder! There's birds shittin' all over me, get up the fuckin' ladder! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!! (makes the Scream face) AHHHHHH!
- Shitty games... all my life! Shitty fucking games! I hate shitty fucking games -- and I hate shitty fucking Christmas 'cause shitty fucking Christmas means more shitty fucking games! Humbug! Bah!
Chronologically Confused About the Legend of Zelda Timeline
- When debating the Zelda timeline, you usually either believe in one linear timeline or a split timeline. There’s no generally accepted Splitist or Linearist theory- and yes, people who believe in a split timeline are called Splitist and people who believe in a linear timeline are called Linearist. Sorta like Trekkie and Trekker, except even more nerdy.
- We've got the sequel to the original, the prequel to the original, the sequel to the prequel, the prequel to the prequel, and the sequel to the Young Link of the prequel's prequel.
Nintendo Entertainment System Port
- Fuck, I gotta do this one now? Well, guess I might as well because there's a new Rambo movie coming out. Back in the 80's, Rambo was the shit. But the NES game was just plain shit!
- Remember when Rambo has to fight a giant spider? I don't!
- Man, who the hell throws grenades at a tiger, anyway?!
- (After falling from the bridge numerous times) Fuuuuuuck! Oh god! How did they fuck up Rambo this bad?! Ya think it wouldn't be that hard, just a guy with a bandana going around and shooting people... kinda like Contra! (Music of Contra Jungle stage played)
- (game encounters glitch) What? What the shit?! I'm back at the beginning! How did this happen?! I just fell and now I'm back at the beginning of the damn game!
- (about the password system) Why does the fuckin' password have to be so damn long? Is it necessary to have both uppercase and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks, and exclamation marks, too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused! S's look like five's, zero's look like O's, capital and lowercases can look identical, and lowercase L's can look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for. The password system should be simple, straight-forward, and easy to use! As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it and move on. It doesn't need to be a fuckin' project! Assholes!
- There's Murdoch, the bastard. You get out your machine gun, you shoot him, and he turns into a frog... Yeah... You shoot Chinese letters and he turns into... a frog. Just what I expected. (downs canteen of beer)
On Rambo III
- Now, this one's gonna be fun, because it uses (pulls out Light Phaser) a light gun. (plays game, controls are unresponsive) Unless the fuckin' thing doesn't work! (waves Light Phaser around and hits enemies) It kinda works. I guess ya just gotta wave it around, like Rambo. Rambo never shoots straight!
On the Virtual Boy
- The first problem was that it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car, or somethin' like that, and... come to think of it, you wouldn't wanna play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
- (After struggling to play it comfortably; even tries to duct-tape it to his head) Why isn't there a headstrap? Let's think about this. This must be one of the worst designs for any invention in history. It's basically a pair of goggles on a stand! To me, that translates to a pair of eyeballs on legs.
- The controller's really weird too. It has two D-pads, and the battery pack is attached to it. You can swap it with an AC adapter, but when you're playing on a table, it can come loose and shut off your game!
- There was even a warning on the box that said it could cause headaches and seizures. That's great, right? It's like the cherry on the shit sundae. How'd you like to play bad games and have a headache, too?!
- The only problem is it wasn't called 3D-Boy. It was called Virtual Boy! And they didn't even attempt -- they didn't even attempt -- a virtual reality concept. What it needed was some first-person shooter games... like Doom. That would've been awesome!
- It starts off with Mario hitting a tennis ball right into your face. The 3-D effect is actually pretty effective, but without experiencing the actual game, you can't see it.
- Now, the main thing that disappointed everybody right from the beginning was the fact that the games were all in red and black. Now, the original Game Boy was in black and white--or black and greenish yellow, whatever--but the Virtual Boy was supposed to be cutting edge, so it was fair to expect it to be in color. What a letdown!
- The big problem for me, personally: What the hell kinda virtual reality game is this?! I don't feel like I'm on the court interacting. I would've expected this to be in a first-person perspective. The whole point of virtual reality is to simulate the game like you're actually in the environment. It's supposed to feel like reality; hence the term: "VIRTUAL REALITY."
- I feel like I'm taking an eye exam!
- If you play this game long enough and go blind, you can really become the Pinball Wizard.
- This is a little more like virtual reality.
- The gameplay is pretty much the same as Punch-Out. You can punch to the face, punch to the body, hook, uppercut, duck, dodge, and you can make use of both D-pads, which individually control each arm, so you can block with one arm, and punch with the other at the same time.
- It's not bad. And the 3-D effects are cool, especially when your opponent knocks you out. (Screen shatters as opponent punches, and then laughs as screen shuts off like a TV screen)
On Red Alarm
- It's basically a flying game like Star Fox. Remember what the graphics looked like on Star Fox? Everything was a polygon, but imagine that in red and black, without any rendered shapes whatsoever. Everything's just a wire frame. It looks like a game that hasn't been finished.
- Worst of all, it's disorienting! If only there was some kind of texture, you'd be able to see where the boundaries are. But without it, you're just flying around with a bunch of lines! Often, I think I'm flying into an opening, but then I just find I'm butting against a wall. (Starts hitting space between lines without going anywhere) Look at this! Where am I supposed to go?!
On Wario Land
- There's also parts where you can leap into the background, obviously trying to cater to the 3-D gimmick.
- But it's actually a good game. Damn good! But only one problem: it's on Virtual Boy.
On Panic Bomber
- Why in the holy mother of fuck does this need to be on Virtual Boy? It's a puzzle game! This is a kind of thing that belongs on Game Boy.
- Aren't puzzle games most fun when you have friends to play with? Well, Virtual Boy actually had a extension port for a multiplayer cable. It would've been used to link two Virtual Boys much like the Game Boy did. But the only problem, they never released the cable or made any games that supported it because the Virtual Boy sucked so hard, it was retired before such a thing can be released!
On Mario Clash
- What you get is basically a remake of the original 1983 Mario Bros. arcade. Each level is just one screen, and the goal is to knock out all the enemies, except for the Koopas. You stomp on them and use their shells to throw at the other enemies.
- What bothers me about this game is just one simple problem. They swapped the buttons! B is jump, and A throws shells. How did they fuck up the controls for a Mario game? Why change what we grew up with? Why change what's been firmly planted in our brains since childhood?
- Overall, Mario Clash isn't bad, but it's repetetive, and it goes on for 99 levels, probably making it the longest Virtual Boy game. And since it causes eye strain, it shouldn't be finished in one sitting.
- All I can say is: it's bowling. That's what it is. But I don't know what's so funky about it. It's just an average bowling game with the same ten pins over and over. The animation on Nester's reactions is pretty fun to watch, but other than that, there's not much to say.
- You bat, you run, you pitch, you catch, you run, you throw: it's baseball.
- The music is pretty cool, and you get a nice 3-D effect when it shows the field, kinda like you're sitting in the seats, almost like a... (clears throat) virtual reality field.
- When it comes to batting, the hit detection is kinda awkward, and when you're in the outfield, it's like you need a microscope to see the players. It's such a strange sensation to be controlling sprites the size of ants. Kinda like North and South on NES.
- The only 3-D part is that you can switch between two different altitudes, so it's kinda like 2-D/3-D. Sometimes, you gotta fly up or down to avoid obstacles, but most of the time, you can just stay where you are. The 3-D effect isn't even that deep anyway.
- This is another perfect example of a game that doesn't need to be on Virtual Boy.
- Just the idea of playing an 18-hole course on this makes me sick.
- The graphics are decent, but they beg to be green and black rather than red and black. Well, it would be nice if it was in color, but let me tell you if there is one color that I imagine when it comes to golf, it's fucking anything but red!
On 3D Tetris
- It's like if I just draw on a piece of paper. (does so) There: that's 3-D. I say just stick to regular Tetris.
On Water World
- Well now, we saved the worst for last. It's Water World... Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? (breathes) Water World... on... Virtual Boy. (stares blankly) ...It's like puking on a pile of shit!
- Well, they had two choices for the water; it could have been red or black. Well, at least they chose black because if they picked red, we would be calling it "blood world." Either way, it looks like shit!
- There's not really any goal other than getting a high score, which really helps, since it doesn't save any data.
- There's actually a nine player-mode which I honestly find hard to believe. Could you imagine passing the Virtual Boy around the room to eight other people? I'd rather drink Kevin Costner's recycled piss water. Water World is the only movie-based game on Virtual Boy and doesn't it seem like a match made in heaven? It's a perfect analogy. An over-budget, over-hyped movie turned into a game on a gimmicky overpriced, anal atom bomb of a console exploding with diarrhea!
On Wizard of Oz
- Is this Wizard of Oz or Pee-wee's Playhouse?
- Remember the part in the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?
- Now, Tin Man, what a miserable fuck! He raises the shittiness to a whole new level. He can't duck or jump -- at all. That fuckin' helps, right? Why not make a character in a platforming jumping game, that can't jump?! He's useless! A complete waste! And, just to tease you, he's the only one who has two attacks. He can kick and use the axe. But, what good is that if he's incapable of jumping?
- You fall through the platforms! No kidding! If you try to jump from an angle or land anywhere other then dead center, you're going through!
- There's no shitty game like this. I'm serious, like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I know, it's been like 40-somethin' reviews and I'm still taking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! Fuck this game! Watch it go! (throws cartridge upward, Cowardly Lion defecates diarrhea upward, sticking cartridge to The Nerd's ceiling) Damn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
- Now I'm going to whip through a random game, mostly shitty ones. But I'm gonna tell you right now, I have three common complaints. Number 1, Many of the games are very similar to other games, and often they're blatant copies. Number 2, without instructions, they're difficult to understand how to play. Number 3, The controls suck ass! And in this regard, The main problem is the controllers! Why a numeric key pad? This is a video game controller, not a phone! Then there's 2 little buttons on each side, which are usually the fire buttons. It's awkward to handle! And rather then a joystick or a control pad of some kind, you get this weird disc! Sometimes in the heat of the game, you can actually jam your fingernail on it. It also acts as a button, so in total, that's 17 buttons! And for games this complex, you really need that many! When you pop in a game, the first thing you is try every button before you figure out which ones do anything. Most of 'em don't do jack shit, and it's different for each game. That's why many of the games come with overlays. You slide it over the keys, and now you can see what they do. It helps out, but... damn. What a shit load of fuck. And the games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
- So, this is "Space Battle". Sounds promising enough, but...okay, what's this? None of the buttons do anything but make fart noises. And the overlay has a bunch of triforces. Is this where they came from? All you gotta do is wait for the squadrons to meet the aliens, and then it brings up the battle screen where you shoot blueberry pancakes. This should be the whole game! Why does this part even exist?
- Next, uh... I don't know. Let's try "Mission X". More like "Mission Ass!" It's a 2-D shooter, but it's really hard to shoot at things; you gotta be at the right altitude. 2 rises up, and 8 goes down, and the fire buttons are on the side, and that's great, right? Why not spread the buttons out as much as possible?
- OK, how about He-Man. Oh man, I thought it was gonna be He-Man. So you're flying around in the Wind Raider, shooting at stuff. I think on the ground that's Skeletor. You drop bombs on him, and that's it. Wait, did I just call that white square a bomb? See, that's using your imagination!
- Shit the fuck!
- All right, what we got here? Space Spartans? What the hell does that mean? A Spartan in space? Was Marvin the Martian a space Spartan?! You got this grid screen, and you shoot shit which looks like TIE-Fighters.
- "Space Hawk". Man, everything begins with space! You're just a guy floating around space shooting green slime. Uh-oh, the bubbles are coming. Gotta find the... (gets hit by a bubble) Augh! Mother of a fuck! It'll be so much easier if you can move if you can just use the disc, instead it's the damn keypad. Uh-oh, here comes the space hawk. Gotta move, gotta move... (gets hit by the space hawk) Damn! I wipe my ass on this game.
- OK, we gotta move on. But let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module, what the fuck is that?! Well, It makes your games talk. Yeah, at the time, the idea of having voices in video games was a new thing. Unfortunately, only a few games are compatible like B-17 Bomber. (Inserts game and the voice sounds like an old cowboy) "Mattel Electronics presents: B-17 Bomber!" (mimics voice and accent) "B-17 Bomber!" (game voice repeats) "B-17 Bomber!" Alright, fuck the game, let's try Bomb Squad.
- What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness of negative earth? A towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extra-terrestrial powers, or, a giant monolith of death hell bent on the annihilation of human kind, time and all matter? No, it's the AC adapter for a ColecoVision. (holds it up to the camera in shock and disdain) What the fuck were they thinking?!
- Is this necessary?! Look, I can't fit this God-forsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is, a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog! Anyway, the ColecoVision was released in 1982, and like the Intellivision, it had the same stupid ass keypad, but with a joystick. Well, almost a joystick and it's so stiff and doesn't fair much better.
- Let's try out Montezuma's Revenge. Well I would make some comment about diarrhea or something, but it's actually a very good platforming game. You collect a bunch of treasures while avoiding all kinds of hazards, Standard stuff you know, but well done. Only problem: This controller is fucking horrible! But, the good news is that, unlike the Intellivision, you can unplug the controller and swap it with an Atari or a Sega Genesis controller. Who would've thought that will be compatible, but what a great thing.
- Now let's try Rocky. That's right. Rocky on the ColecoVision. The music and the graphics are quite good for the time. But would it be too much trouble to add any facial features? As far to my knowledge, your only opponent is Clubber Lang. After all, Rocky III was the newest movie, so there's definitely no Ivan Drago. But, all you do is mash buttons and it all boils down to a big crock of shit.
- OK, you're not gonna believe this one. It's called: Cabbage Patch Kids: Adventures in the Park. It's basically like another Pitfall! game but with a random layout. Why can I swing on the vines when I can hop on a lilypad instead? Then there's screens that don't have anything on it. So what's the point having them? And so many are the same.
- "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." OK, well who the hell is watching me get dressed? If I want to put my shoes on first, that's my own Goddamn business!
- If you thought Mario Paint was primitive, well... look again.
- Whoa, the pilot's drunk as shit!
- Oh man, what am I supposed to do? (crashes) FUCK! Oh I know, I gotta shoot through it. (fires at the gate, but nothing happens and crashed, and ejects cartridge from the ColecoVision and throws it in anger)
- Robin Hood. I guess you're Robin Hood and you just shoot the fuck out of people with your arrows. Man, all this violence going on, But the sun is just smiling away.
- WarGames. I'm assuming it's based from the movie, since they both came out in 1983. You're basically trying to stop nuclear missiles from blowing up the world. It's kinda serious. But there's another one called War Room which is a similar game, except this one has some comedic relief, because it's got giant mutant chickens!
- Alright, well this video is getting out of hand and we can spend all day talking about these games and discussing them in-depth, but I only wanted to give you an introduction to two classic gaming consoles. Now I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects. But, let me tell you. That's the name of the game.
- (explaining the Atari expansion module) That would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "OK, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the Playstation 3. You're gonna be able to play Xbox games on it." There would be lawsuits up the ass!
- And there were more expansion modules. The second one is a steering wheel for the driving games and the third one connects the fucker to an Adam Computer. Wonder if The Addams Family had an Adam Computer?
- Now the fourth expansion module connects it to a dishwasher. And then the fifth and final one connects it to your ass!
On The Wizard
- This is when, for the first time, we set our eyes on Super Mario Bros. 3. Not only did it blow our minds to get a preview of this game on the big screen, but it also gave us a big tip. Who the fuck would know the first time playing to fly up over the ceiling and get the magic flute and then to use it as a warp to get to World 4? After seeing The Wizard, we sure did.
- I'm gonna review a good game this time. Now don't worry; I'll go back to torturing myself with bad ones. But right now, (Holds up cartridge) let's do something awesome!
- This game kicks your ass 'til diahrrea comes out your dick.
- What does P stand for and why is there so much "P" in this game? It's not full of shit, it's full of "P".
- Alright, goin' through the pipes...(goes into a pipe connecting to a higher portion of the stage) (comes out of the upper end of the pipe, which two Koopa Troopas are standing on) Oh, bullshit! (dies) What a bunch of fuckin' bullshit!
- (Koopa Troopa slowly hops down a passageway) Come on, you piece of shit! Come on, move your ass!
- This game is tricky dicky.
- There's this one part that the only way to reach the goal is to fly in the air while you hold a koopa shell and break all the blocks. Who do you even think to go up there? Especially when you go to the last world where it gets challenging.
- (fighting off possessed video game systems) I'M THE LORD OF THE HARVEST! BRING IT DOWN, BRING IT DOWN! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
On NES Accessories
- You got a game and a controller. That's the way it goes. But sometimes that isn't enough. Nintendo was always coming up creative and unique ways to play games. Today there's the Wii and the DS Stylus Pen. But even in the early days with the NES, they were doing the same sorta thing. Some of 'em were pretty awesome for the time, but others were failed experiments that made you look like a jackass.
- (to the cat on top of the TV) Hey, get down!
Playing games with the NES Zapper
- Let's start with the Zapper. Back then we just called it the gun. Because that's what it is. There's nothing more satisfying that just shooting the fuck out of things. It is the quintessential gaming accessory. Almost every console had their own version of the gun. only problem, doesn't work so great anymore. Depends on the game, the kind of TV you're using, and the gun itself.
- Here we have Wild Gunman. Why do you gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy.
Playing a game with the Power Pad
- It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit, they hated it! Cats and dogs (shows his cat sniffing it) would piss and shit on it! In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.
Playing a game with the Speedboard
- Yeah, it all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory; Probably the stupidest thing ever invented; the Speedboard. What is it? It's a piece of fuckin' plastic. You attach your controller. You get it? In case you don't want to hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers?! Why in the ass would I need that? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller like the NES Max or NES Advantage. How can they even sell such a thing? Even though it was made by a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
Playing a game with the Laserscope
- Next up, oh boy. the Konami Laserscope. Now I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of 'ass'. It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire!".
- It also has headphones and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman, just detach the scope module. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look so cool walking around, listening to my iPod with this fuckin' thing on my head!
- It also advertises that parents will love what they don't hear. it says: "While the Laserscope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting game play action, non-players can listen to music, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah while you are saying: Fire! Fire! Fire! That kind of defeats the purpose, right? Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fuck! (stares at the TV) I didn't say "Fire!" I said "Fuck!" Fuck! Fuck fire! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything! Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart!
- Wow, I just shot down a duck by saying "Fuck!"
Playing games with the Roll & Rocker
- Next is the Roll & Rocker. This thing is the biggest shit biscuit I've ever seen. You stand on it and supposedly you rock back and forth which controls the D-pad. The modern day equivalent would be the Wii Fit. The Roll & Rocker is supposed to be compatible with every game for the NES, but I find that it isn't compatible with any of 'em. Each game responds differently, but none of them work. Adventure Island keeps walking right, Excitebike keeps going down, Skate or Die goes in circles, Kung Fu ducks to the right, Metal Gear does nothing at all, Ninja Turtles 3 walks in place and 1943 just fidgets around a lot. It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?! (says "1988 LJN Toys"; LJN is highlighted) Son of a bitch.
- Well, might as well play an LJN Game. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
- I'm drinking Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah! Rolling Rock on the Roll & Rocker!
- Let's try the cat. Get on there you little bastard. (the cat plays with the Roll & Rocker, but nothing happens and the cat gets off) Hm, Cat's like "Fuck that shit."
Playing games with the U-Force
- C'mon Mario, jump. Jump! (dies) Ass!
- One more game. I can't believe we gotta touch this one again. (shows Top Gun cartridge) (He attempts to play it with a flight stick and the U-Force and reaches the landing sequence, only to crash the plane by overshooting the aircraft carrier) ASS!
On Indiana Jones
- The first thing that happens, you see Indiana Jones descending from some sort of escalator. And then...nothing. You try every button, and by "every button" I mean one, you rock the joystick all around, you flick every possible switch, and nothing happens! Is the game broken, or did I already find the Ark, and that's the end of the game? Pretty easy, I must say.
- Go to the merchant, select the bag of gold, and drop it, which exchanges it for the flute. When you have the flute selected, it plays a tune which keeps the snakes from killing ya. That's a lot of faith to put in the gamer for you to know that this is the merchant, that's a bag of gold, that's a flute, and you use it to keep snakes away.
- By this point, I also really have to say. Using 2 controllers is a pain in the ass, unless you're Goro. I recommend 2 sets of hands or 2 players.
- You end up in some sort of trap, you have to whip your way through the walls, which is easier said than done. Then you come out and then you find that you can't touch the walls in this room. If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a DOOR?!
- Then you get to this part, where you have to stand in a certain place for this map to appear. Ooh, like in the movie! You need to select the key to enter, you need the clock to tell you when the sun is rising, you need the medallion so the sun can shine at the right time and mark the spot on the map where you have to find a shovel to dig for the Ark! (cut to the Nerd, holding both controllers with his mouth open in shock)
- Wow. How complicated can it be for an Atari game?! Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games that you can actually beat, whereas most of them are just about trying to get a high score. And when I say it can be beat, that's hypothetical. Because honestly, I think it'd be easier to find the real Lost Ark. Just the fact that you have to feel around for secret passageways and stuff, it makes you feel like... Indiana Jones. Well, they got me there.
- The game begins, Indy walks from one cave to the next, and... (Indiana Jones stops in front of the entrance) What's going on? (Starts pushing all the buttons) What the hell?! Oh no, not this again--oh, Select. It's one of those games where "select" is "start."
- Now what's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass!
- All through the game, you keep finding swords and guns and stuff, but the big question is, "What do you do with them"? The Start button brings up this screen which shows your supply, but how do you select your weapons? You try every button, and nothing works! So what's the point of this screen? Nothing, it's just for shits and giggles.
- (imitates grunt from bad guy when he whips him) Huh! It should be a dance. "Huh! Huh, whip it! Huh! Huh!"
- Anyway, the big problem is figuring out where you're supposed to go. Some call it a platformer game, some call it an adventure game, I classify it as a "Where-the-fuck-do-I-go" kinda game. Yeah, one of those.
- The stages don't really progress much. Everything looks the same. It almost seems like I'm doing laps. But wait... Yeah, how did I get here again?! You wanna know why? Because the damn stages cycle over and over again!
- Let me draw it out, it's like okay, here's the stage, you know, the cliffs, the doors, the lava pits, all that bullshit. Anyway, for example, if you go all the way down here, you don't hit a wall or any kind of boundary, you just come out up here, but without any indication that you've done so! What kind of bullshit is that?! Everything looks the same anyway, so it only makes an already confusing game even more confusing! Who would wanna play this?! I'd rather drink buffalo shizz...that's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul, I apologize.
- (jumps down on an conveyer belt, sinks into lava) How did I die?! Look at this, I jump down, I land on the conveyer belt, and I'm dead! You mean from sticking my toe in the very, very, very edge of this lava pit?!
- Well, let's start with the first thing you see: the graphics. While the animation is pretty decent on Indy, why is there this choppy outline around his body? And where's the color? Everything's in monochrome; it's like something you'd see on Gameboy!
- How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?!
- (At the first boss; Indiana Jones' punches cause very, very little effect) What dumb-asses made this thing? They should've sent it to the Marx. Bros!
- One thing I find funny is that the final boss of the game is the skeleton. You know, when Donovan drinks the wrong Grail? Kinda reminds me of a Castlevania game.
On Star Trek
On Star Trek: The Motion Picture
On Star Trek: Strategic Operations Simulator (Collecovision)
- It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! Superman for the Atari 2600. I'm playing it on the 7800 just for variety. But anyway, what can be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheroes of all time. Even the word Super is in his name, a word that implies excellence, outstanding quality, and brilliant divine magnificence! (Gameplay is shown) Yeah...this sucks.
- From what I understand, you start off as Clark Kent, which is pointless. You just walk to the right, a bridge explodes because of Lex Luthor. You go back to the phonebooth and you turn into Superman and the rest of the game, you're just flying around looking for all the pieces of this bridge. You also have to carry a bunch of bad guys off to jail. And if you get hit by kryptonite, yeah, kryptonite, you lose the ability to fly, which can only be regained if you touch Lois Lane.
- There's no way to die, the whole game is based around the clock, it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that will eventually happen is you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!
- The navigation is dreadful, if you fly up, you just see more buildings and that makes sense, right? On the top of the buildings are more buildings and it just keeps on going. There doesn't seem to be any boundaries, everything just repeats.
- If you press the button and move the joystick around, it shows you all the screens around you, yeah, it's like x-ray vision, that is, if x-ray vision means seeing into the next imaginary Atari space.
- Have you ever heard of an Atari game that needs a map? Well, this is one of them, but to tell you the truth, I don't think it would help because nothing makes any sense. Like right here, I just keep going up and all it does is change colors. I can't figure this out.
- So, lets move on to the NES. A Superman game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. How could you go wrong? (Game begins) Well, first of all, you get this lousy music which isn't even the Superman theme, then the Statue of Liberty starts talking to you. Can somebody explain this to me? Is there any reason why the Statue of Liberty has to talk to Superman? "I'll watch over you", is it a guardian angel or something? Is there something I don't know? Like, what kind of drugs were they taking when they came up with this shit?!
- So again, you start off as Clark Kent and you're at the Daily Planet talking to people.(Reading text on-screen) "Hi Clark! Your favorite Cub reporter, Jimmy, here. Say cheese, click." Okay, what was the point of that?
- You know, it's really annoying that there isn't any way to cancel these dialogue boxes, or speed them up. And why's everyone wearing green? Is it St. Patrick's Day or something? Why are the telephones as big as the desks, or, hell, why are they half as big as the people? Or, no, if they're in the background, that makes them even bigger! What a strange-looking office, and who wants to play as Clark Kent, anyway?
- The first real problem is trying to get used to the controls; it's another one of those games where Up is jump. And why do you jump so high? I mean, look at this, if somebody actually jumped like that, it'd be like 20 feet in the air. I know he's Superman, but if he's trying to be Clark Kent, he could at least act like it.
- So your main objective at this point is just get out of this room, go out the door, right? Well, of course, it seems pretty obvious, but, take a guess how to open the door. Seriously. Take a wild guess. B? No. A? No. Start? No. Select? No. Up? No, Up only jumps, so you have to hit Down. I've never heard of a game where Down goes through the door.
- Alright, well, now we're really starting to suck some shitballs. Right away, there's people outside trying to kill you. I don't know what kind of grudge anyone would have against Clark Kent.
- "Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!" What, are you kidding me? He's Superman, he needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?! It's like, "Yeah, we know you're trying to save the city, but you still need to pay for your ride." Why does he even need to use the subway? Can't he just fly? Why go underground? That's the complete opposite of flying! That's like if Spider Man wanted to go from building to building, he'd just go down to ground level and just walk. That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!
- There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. Here's just a random spot (Talks to someone) "Got any news?" Okay that was informative. Here's someone else (Reading off screen) "I know nothing at all." Well, that just about sums it up.
- "Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?" Yeah, I did, actually, and it's nothing like this garbage!
- There's no reason to talk to anybody. It's like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any relevance with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to look into the Death Star, or you'll die. Well, the Death Star is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now, that must've been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games.
- (Reading a headline in the game) Wh-what? "Daily Planets"? Isn't it just "The Daily Planet"? I don't know, I've had enough of this! Wait a minute... "Stock Market Panic! Stock Prices Fall!" What, are we talking about stocks now?! "Find out why stock prices have fallen." "You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, so that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh, my God, do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhh, the Stock Market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Jus-j-wh-why?! Wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks, or taxes, or politics?! You just don't do that! It's like, what were they thinking?! STOCKS?!? I just can't-I just-uhh... (makes fart noises) Oh, God, what a shitload of fuck.
- That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained! I could review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game! It cannot be done justice! If you wanna play it and see for yourself, I dare you, but just one warning: You will not be happy.
- Oh, wait, this guy just gave me a password? What's that for? Like, if I wanna continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless, there's no way I would ever need this password, and do you know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my entire life! (Throws the game out the window)
- Yeah. that's what you mean, right? The Commodore 64? It was one of the best selling home computers from the 80s. The games came out on floppy disks. Remember those? The ones that actually are floppy? (flips the floppy disk and blows)
- Well, this is the start up screen. You never know what to do unless you have the instructions. You gotta type Load"*",8,1 and then Return, and then it goes to black and a few seconds later it says "Now loading Superman".
- Remember those early CD-based game consoles like the PlayStation and you always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that! This thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds! Yeah I timed it.
- So you pick your difficulty and guess what? It's gotta load again!! 54 seconds this time, not long but seems like an eternity.
- So anyway you get the comic book storyline thing and then... (loading screen shows again) you son of a bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics were quite decent and the gameplay is self explanatory, you just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not saying much; that's like saying the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.
- Controller's a piece of fuck but at least it's one of those kinds you can plug in with the Atari or the Sega Genesis controller.
On Superman 64
- (Has been reviewing Superman's Commodore 64 game as a joke) But wait, this isn't what you want to see, is it? Nah, (holds Superman 64 cartridge.) you wanna see this, right? Oh come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you. 'Cause I like you a lot. Now don't take that too serious. (puts the cartridge in the Nintendo 64.) Well here it goes. (turns on power) I'm turnin' on the power.
- First you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. Titus!? What the fuck is that?
- The first thing that bothers me is the stock music. Why not the Superman theme? You know the John Williams one? Why don't any of these games have that?!
- Is this a Superman game? Flying through rings? Is that the best they could come up with? That's like if they made a Batman game where all he does is play hopscotch!
- You have to keep flying. If you stop and bullshit around, you're not gonna make the time limit. See, I've just fucked around too much. I might as well give up and kill myself. (The building fades) You see this building, I'm just gonna crash into it. (Superman flies through the building but didn't die) Well that didn't do a damn thing. You mean you can't die? Well absolutely not. You just stuck in limbo until the time runs out.
- Looks like I'm doing a real shitty job. But the control is awful. You had to be very specific with the joystick or else Superman takes a dive in the wrong direction.
- What, I'm stuck? How the hell am I stuck!? I'm underneath the bridge! Looks likes Superman's stroking his super dick.
- You probably know better than I and it goes without saying. But this game is horrendous! And you know the most pathetic thing about it is? This game isn't ten years old! Just barely. You think by 1999, there'd be some quality standard.
- 15 seconds and I'm almost there! Almost there-aw, fuck! Missed a ring. Oh, come on, can't even give me one more chance?
- Oh, man, what is he doing, exercises? This is so ridiculous. This game isn't just bad. It's really bad! I'm not even kiddin' around! It's fuckin' horseshit!!
- Almost there. Less than ten seconds. C'mon, I can just barely make it. Look, there's the last ring! :[Flies through the second to last ring, but loses.] Fuck! Ass, bitch, cunt, fart! I can't believe it!! There was only one ring left!
- What's with the punching? Do I actually get to punch people somewhere in this shitload fuck of a game? I guess I'll never find out, but why are those punches so awkward? (shows the nerd mimicking Superman's punches)
- What? I don't even get to try again, I'm back at the fucking rings again?! I can't believe I'm playing a Superman game where all you do is fly through rings! At first I thought this was the training mode. Yeah, you know like to test your accuracy? Lots of games have that. Remember Star Fox on the Super Nintendo? There's a training mode where you have to fly through rings. But even then you don't have to go through all the rings, it's about how many you can get through in a row. In the actual game you're flying around shooting enemies and dodging obstacles. So what the hell is this shit?! You should be fighting bad guys! Not testing your flight skills with one of the worst control accuracy ever in a videogame!
- You got to be kidding me! I'm stuck again?! I'm nowhere near the... Look how much room! Look how much room! How can be stuck when there's so much room!
- Oh, this is ass. This is really ass! Oh this time I'm gonna do it! It's 4 seconds, shit yeah! Nooooo! That didn't count?!
- This game doesn't even qualify as shit. It's like the equivalent of shit taking a shit!
- This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly loathsome! It's a fucking suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck, and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! ...This is a job for the fuckin' nerd!
On Batman games
- Alright, let's dig into a big pile of Bat-shit! As you can see, I'm already, because in order to play bad Batman games and do 'em justice... (puts on Batman mask) ya gotta be Batman!
- Let's start with Batman: The Caped Crusader for the Commodore 64. This game came a year before the Tim Burton movie which makes as the only game not movie licensed. You get a choice to fight against The Penguin or The Joker, but both games seemed to be identical. I really never got far enough to find out.
- The first enemies you come upon are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles or bats which takes shit on you. Yeah, if you look close enough, you can see the little shit bombs dropping out of their asses.
- The control is weird as you can see the instruction manual explains it. To do different punches and kicks you have to hold the joystick in a certain direction while hitting the button. It's also ridiculous trying to hit anybody, you have to be, like a step away and no matter how many times you hit somebody, they don't die. Die! (tries to kick but it didn't work) What the hell?
- There's also that annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing down and the button. So I get to this menu by total accident and then I don't know what to do here. What is all this shit? Restart Game? Who the fuck's talking about restarting!? (taps Y and N, but the keyboard doesn't work) Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh that's great. Yeah, that's another thing about the Commodore. It only works when it feels like it.
- Well anyway, this game sucks. Gotta give it the Batman punishment. (takes the floppy disk out of the Commodore and gives it a punishment) I'm Batman! (throws the floppy disk away)
On Batman (NES)
- Next is the one most people know. Batman on the NES. Overall when it comes to games, the Dark Knight's been treated a lot better than Superman, because there do exist good Batman games, and this is one of them. The graphics are dark and stylish, just like the movie it represents and the music is kick-ass.
- The gameplay is addicting. You have a punch and a variety of Bat-weapons. You have a Ninja Gaiden-style wall jump, which is something you really got to get used to, because as the game progresses, it gets trickier and trickier.
- Getting up to The Joker takes a lot of patience and if you actually beat him, you deserve a medal.
- A good game for the NES library, but a hard son of a bitch!
- Next up, Batman Returns on Super Nintendo. With the release of the movie sequel, many more games came along to cash in on the franchise. This one's a lot simpler. Just a good-old arcade style beat-em-up. It's mind numbing and redundant, but satisfying as hell. Just beat the shit out of them!
- It showed off some impressive graphics for the time, like the cinematic shot of Batman behind the wheel, and the 3D driving stages.
- To tell you the truth, I never made it past these driving stages. It just goes on and on!
- Boring as shit. Next game. (holds game disc) I'm Batman. (Throws disc across the room)
- A lot of these early handheld consoles had the same problem: you can barely see the screen. You got to tilt it at the right angle, so this isn't gonna be easy to play.
- You're just going around punching people. It's pretty self-explanatory...but goddamn, is it hard!
- I keep getting hit by dynamite, and I can barely see where it's coming from, and there doesn't seem to be any jump attack.
- All right, well this one gets the official Bat-stamp of shit. Onto the next game, but first, gotta tell it I'm Batman. (Holds game up to face) I'm Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
- The Adventures of Batman & Robin on Super Nintendo. Yeah, of course they had to make a Batman game based off of every Batman movie that came out, but they also had to do one based off the animated series. It's kinda like a cross between a beat-em-up and a 2D side-scroller. You just keep moving right and bashing everybody in your way! But then there comes times when you need a little bit of problem solving to figure out what to do. Sometimes, it gets kinda annoying like this part. (Batman tries to jump onto the Joker's roller coaster, but falls through it, straight to his death) How the hell was I supposed to know I can't jump on the roller coaster?! But in conclusion, this is one you might wanna try out. Not a bad game, let it pass.
- Next up is... Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is Triceratops testicles.
- When the game starts, you might notice that it bears an uncanny resemblance to Mortal Kombat. (Clips of Mortal Kombat appear between clips of the game; attacks look similar). It's literally the same control scheme, and all the same moves. Being that the game was also made by Acclaim, it makes me wonder why they would repackage a fighting game into a Batman game. I almost expect to see Batman rip someone's spinal cord out. This style of fighting just doesn't work for a platforming side-scroller like this. It just slows things down!
- Whenever you knock anybody down, you gotta wait for 'em to get back up again! You hit 'em again, and it just goes on, and on, and on!
- You'd think to shoot up, you'd just press Up, but no! It jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that "Okay, this is how it works": To shoot up, you have to press Select and Up in a very specific way. You have to press Select slightly before you press Jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air, but if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! That's a good reason why the jump button SHOULD NOT BE UP!! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKING BUTTONS?!? HAVING THE FUCKING UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKING FUCKED UP!! If this (the Up button) aims your grappling hook and this (the B button) jumps, then it'd be fine! But no, they gotta be the same button!
- So you just lumber all around, trying to figure out where to go, and whenever you access a new part of the game, it says "Hold on". Hold on for what? It has to fucking load?!
- It's also interesting to know that you can play as Robin, but who would do that? I wanna be Batman.
- So, I guess the goal of the game is to rescue all the security guards. When you untie them, they do this melodramatic pose; it's like, "Yay! I'm free!" (Shows a guard breaking free of ropes and raising his arms triumphantly)
- The villains are all stock; it's just guys in flashy suits and guys with chainsaws.
- Ooh, look at that! Chainsaw to the dick!
- Everything's so dark, you can never tell where there's a door. Then you walk back, and look for a spot where you can use your grappling dick. (Shoots grappling hook straight up; takes him to the floor above) See that? Right there; that was just a lucky guess.
- Another problem is that the fucking foreground keeps blocking me, it's like "Get that shit outta the way, I can't see what I'm doing!" I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take a lava dump all over the screen!
- And just when you think you got the controls all figured out, you come to this part where you have to jump down. You'd think you'd be able to simply hit down on the control pad, maybe in combination with the Jump button, but oh, that's right; there is no jump button; it's up. That would be real impressive, to be able to press Down and Up at the same time. Anyway, you try every button combination imaginable, and guess what? It's Down and "R." Yeah, "R"! That's not even one of the main buttons! Why "R"?! And again, the "R" button has to be tapped slightly before you press Down! And sometimes, there's not even a hole to tell you when you're able to do that! Why's everything so cryptic?!
- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!! It's like the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, not a basic move that you have to do in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ballbrained, cockamamey, ridiculous fashion?! It's like, jeez, there's 4 buttons right on the front of the controller! (pauses for a second) But that's not enough to work with?! Instead, they have to like, program it like all into 'kinda like, weird, 'kinda crazy button combinations & shit, it's like, what were they thinking?! It's like up is jump, select for the grappling hook, select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like, for the menus or something! I mean, jeez, were they trying to just ruin this game, just flat-out, just fuck it up?! Well they did! Batman Forever, it sucked back then and it sucks forever! (holds game up to face) I'm Batman. (throws game to floor) That's it. That's all the shitty batman games I can take.
Nintendo Entertainment System Port
- Alright, since the Joker is in the title, I assume I'm playing Batman: Return of the Joker on NES.
- For an NES game, the graphics are good, and the music, once again, is awesome. Seems like Sunsoft games always have good music: Blaster Master, Fester's Quest. Yeah, I said that.
- But when you get to the boss, the music sounds incredibly familiar. Mega Man 2? Yeah, it does sound like it, just a lot faster, that's all.
- Once you get to the third stage, the game gets way too difficult way too fast. You're slipping around on the ice trying not to fall, and all these tornadoes keep flying at you. Even after a lot of trial and error, it's still next to impossible not to get hit by these things! C'mon, you fuckin' tornado piece of shit, I know you're there, just inching forward, I know you're there. (dies) FUCK!!
- There's also the traditional annoying "backwards fall" bullshit; whenever you get hit, you fly back, right? You're familiar with that. But here, even if you're facing in the other direction, you get sucked back into the hole. What in the holy mother of fuck is that about?? That doesn't even follow the laws of physics!
- There's also the "falling ceiling" gag, you know, for you to get by, they have to fall. There's no other option. If you stand under it, it kills you. To get it down, you stand under it. What a paradox. Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way, I get hit by these rotating blades and shit! I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
- So I try it again, and this time, I just carefully step to the edge, just taking baby steps, you know. (dies) GOD!! This game's fucking brutal!! It doesn't even make any sense! C'mon, you piece of shit! (dies) FUCK!! Okay, so I'm trying to jump onto a moving platform while someone's shooting at me. How the hell does that work?! (is about to die) Oh, shit! (jumps back onto the cliff) Whew. I got lucky there. (cut to view of The Nerd and The Joker, long pause, then somehow dies offscreen, probably from the ceiling) FUCK!!!
- So I'm just gonna try and shoot him from across the hole, but, as you can see, I can't. I gotta get on there. (dies) ASS!!! One more try, I just can't get hit. C'mon, C'MON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! (grunts) Thank God.
- And how do you like this? You can actually get blocked by a power-up! BUT HE (the enemy) CAN STILL SHOOT THROUGH!?! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! It's like they literally programmed this thing to be a means of torture!
- The only thing easy about this game are the bosses. Except for The Joker, he's impossible.
Nintendo Game Boy Port
- Okay, Return of the Joker on Game Boy. You turn the game on, and what does it sound like? (Mega Man 2) I don't know why I'm making all these observations. I guess I just have Mega Man on the mind.
- So, anyway, it's completely different from the NES version. Your main attack is punching, but you can also collect other weapons.
- And the wall jump is back too, so it's actually more like the first NES game. But there's also a grappling hook which is really annoying, because you can never get it to work when you need it to work! And at other times, it just has a mind of its own. The control is overly complicated; it seems that they should've just had the wall jump or the grappling hook. Not both! Here there's deadly sewer water rising up, I'm desperately trying to make my way to the platforms, but instead, I keep bouncing around the place!
- The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle! I really hate that grappling hook! Okay, now jump! (dies) Fuck! Alright, here we go again. (dies) FUCK! I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker! Oh, I can't believe this. Get up there! GET UP THERE!! That's it, I can't play this game anymore! I can't even finish the first fucking level!
Sega Genesis Port
- Why does it take so long to destroy the crates? All it is is just a power-up; it should take one shot!
- (Kicks a crate; it breaks instantly) Oh, so you got a kick? Okay, I got it; kick for the crates, firepower for everything else.
- What's with the gargoyle statues!? You shoot 'em & get nothing! What's the point!? And why does it hurt you to touch'em!? Batman can't even touch a fuckin' statue!?
- It's only the first level in the game! Again! The first fuckin' level and I can't go any further! I've had enough of this catastrophe!
- Outside of Japan, the game was supposed to be called, "Hells Bells". I'm sure they changed it because they didn't want to associate this piece of ass fudge to anything good like AC/DC.
- When you start the game, it doesn't tell you anything like where to go or what to do. And watch out for what door ya go in, it's a beginner's trap! You don't know where to go, so you just walk into a room and- shit! The enemies gang rape your ass!
- Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow, our hero must pass the blades- out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms and bats, I'd probably let them kill me.
- Since when are you supposed to just throw a sword anyway? I mean, swinging it at your enemy would work nicely, but no, he throws it! And where the hell does he get all these swords? Even the maual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying, "Buddy, if you play this game, you're gonna get fucked up the asshole with a porcupine! Good fuckin' luck, douchebag!" It's almost like the game just fuckin' wants to piss you off!
- It's as if they ran put of decent enemy ideas and just programmed random moving shapes to come kill ya! It's like, what the fuck are sprites from Marble Madness doing in this game?
- You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard, it tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called Ludder. Yeah, it says ya have fifty Ludder. I can only assume that's currency, so I Googled it to check out what it meant, and according to an urban dictionary, Ludder means, "cheap-ass hoe"! So, therefore, we're already starting out with fifty cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores? Maybe we'll find out later.
- Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game! Imagine taking a phonograph machine, submerging it in diarrhea, and wiring it to a horse's ass to use as a speaker! It makes nails on a chalkboard sound like fuckin' Mozart!
- What's the fucking deal with the ledges that ya fall off of! A lot of the places are really narrow, and it's hard avoiding those ledges. And to top it all off, when enemies hit you, it knocks you back a bit! And more times than not, they send ya falling down a conveniently placed ledge! And do people normally spin like that when they fall off of something? Reminds me of shit spinning down the fuckin' toilet!
- And what programmer decided to put a time limit on the fucking password screen?!
- This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!
- This game is equal to that of liquid ass-butter! Stay away from this horrible piece of shit-encrusted fuck! I'd rather suck farts out of a dog's ass!
- Dieses Spiel ist scheisse. Dieses Spiel fick dich härter als das Leben! Well, I gave that a try.
- This is so bad, Satan wouldn't accept it if you offered it with your soul! I'd rather suck the dried shit out of Chewbacca's ass fur! Fuck this game- no, better yet, don't fuck this game; don't let your friends fuck it! It's unfuckworthy!
- This game is just an orgy of ass! This game is a chicken-lickin', finger-fuckin' son of a bitch! This game is ball cider! The Assholeans bow down to this piece of shit!
- In other words, the game sucks.
- (after Kyle Justin joins in) Oh, so it's arcade style. The second player has to push start to join in. Why not just a regular select screen like any other NES game? Speakin' of which, the intro shows three toads: Rash, Pimple and Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, and Gonorrhea?
On Dick Tracy
- Remember when everybody was talkin' about Dick Tracy? 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from, "Who's Dick Tracy?" to "Whoa, Dick Tracy's the shit!"
- Y'know, Dick Van Dyke is in the movie. Ya think that's enough dicks? Like seriously, when this movie came out, I never said dick so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was running around sayin', "Dick Tracy! Dick Tracy!" Dick this and dick that! My dad said, "Can't ya just call him Richard Tracy?" And I was like, "You know, how is Dick even short for Richard?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But Dick and Richard?
- Even worse, you take damage when you crash into other cars. And there's snipers on all the roofs. Just little tiny vague shapes that shoot at ya. Constantly. And by constantly I mean all the fuckin' time.
- So you get to 5th and B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.
- You can use your gun, but it's more amusing to punch the living shit out of people. Bam! Bam! Bam! Oh, look at him go! Down the steps. He's still goin'. [enemy continues to bounce off walls] The hell? Were they really trying to be serious with this?
- So ya get to Steve the Tramp, whose onscreen character looks nothing like his mugshot. You have the option to interrogate him or arrest him. If you choose to arrest him, ya just get scolded by your superior officer and get sent back to the station. But if you interrogate him, he'll give ya some information, which basically tells you to go to the 9th and F pier. But once you leave that screen, you better remember 9th and F, because you're not gonna be told again, and Dickard doesn't write it in the notepad. What kind of detective is that? Stupid banana raincoat-wearin' dick.
- So, it's supposed to be realistic by having a good cop that won't shoot unarmed men. That's fine, but how about when you punch people? They bounce off the damn walls! That's pretty realistic.
- Shouldn't the clue be in a Ziploc bag or somethin', and where I'm supposed to go be written on the notepad? Besides, you can't even see the notepad unless you go back to the station. During the gameplay, there's no status screen where you can bring up the clues or anything. Why wouldn't a detective bring the notepad with him? Dumb dick.
- When I play a game, all I want is the NES, the TV, and the controller. Also preferably a couch to sit on. But what I don't want is a pen and paper to write down FUCKING CLUES!
- Ah, the fuckin' snipers got me! [shows game over screen] "Game over"? What, are you kidding me? Just one life, and no continues either? [game switches back to the main screen, then the notepad of clues] No! Look at this! Where's my clue? I have to get it again?! That's insane!
- Ok, I'm workin' my way back to the right, jumpin' on the crate, the platforms, here we go- Oh, what the fuck, oh, good Lord! Now I gotta go back again. Here we go, let's try again- Ok, how does this work? If ya jump, you just end up on the platform, and ya can't jump straight down! That's rediculous!
- So my only way is to just slightly- Unh, your mother! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! FUUUUUUUUCK! COULD THEY HAVE PUT THIS CLUE IN A MORE UNREACHABLE SPOT?!
- Remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework and you rented a game from the local video store, and this was it. This was your whole weekend, this one game, ya didn't have anything else to do so you had no choice but to keep playing that first part of the game over and over and over again! And it's like, ya know what? It's like, I wanna see the rest of the game, ya can't just let the game fuckin' win like that! So, that's why ya don't give up. [drinks Rolling Rock]
- [getting shot by the snipers] This is the reason why Game Genie was invented! I've been playing this game for almost twenty fuckin' years and I still can't get past the first stage! So, why do I keep trying? I don't know, I guess I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. Sucker for dick, that didn't sound good.
- I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game, had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frusturating games of all time, they took the name Dick Tracy, and slapped it on the cover just like slappin' their own greedy dick. Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls.
- And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance. Because, I kinda liked the idea of finding clues, and figurin' out where to go, it made ya think like a dectective. But ONE GUY?! NO CONTINUES?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there are no continues. Why are there no continues?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?! [drinks Rolling Rock and buries head in pillow, screams] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUUUUUUUUCK!! [drills a hole through the cartridge, he smashes it with a hammer while the drill spins the game uncontrollably]
On Dracula Games
- Ohh...another night, shitty games. It's all I do is play shitty games and I have so fuckin' many I'll probably be playing till the dawn! It's a sacrifice to the soul and it's suckin' me dry (thunder crackle)... How appropriate, 'cos tonight it's Dracula. When it comes to Dracula games, most people instantly think of a Castlevania series. But I'm going to del into the fucking Catacombs of hell! (thunder crackle)
On The Count
- Our first exhibit is The Count on the Vic 20. Now, what the fuck is a Vic 20? Well, it's an old Commodore computer from 1980. You thought the Commodore 64 was primitive? Well, check out the Vic 20.
- Look at that cartridge. That's what ya call a real game. Trying to jam the fucker in is a real bitch. Even worse than the Intellivision. (shows footage from the Intellivision review) It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
- The graphics are non-existant because it's a text game.
- It says "I see I was put to bed. It's afternoon and I overslept! What shall I do now?" I'm gonna write "Get out of Bed." "Don't know what OUT is" "What shall I do now?" "Wak Up" "Don't know how to wake something." I don't know what to tell it, but I have the instructions. It gives you some suggestions of words you can use.
- Let's try "Climb." "Can't do that...YET." Oh, so you're teasing me! "Go" "I also need a direction" "Go right" "Don't know what right is" "Go Left"
- "Don't know what left is" "Eat Pillow." "Yuck!" Ok, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that.
- "Get Up" "I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed North. Uh okay. Uh "Go North" "What shall I do now?" "Go North" Okay so I went north? What did that do? "Go East" "Ok. What shall I do now?" "Go east again?" "Use one or two words only." Oh, okay. I'll give ya two words. "Fuck you!" "Don't know how to 'fuck' something." (slaps forehead in disbelief)
On Dracula (Intellivision)
- Next up, Dracula on the Intellivision. What's cool about this game is that you actually play as Dracula. Now, I'm trying it out on the Intellivision II. It's basically just a redesigned model, which you'd think would be an improvement, but what in the holy mother of ass is this?! If the old Intellivision had a simple plug, why does the newer model have a big fat-ass AC adapter?
- Anyway, you leave your grave and you go around sucking people's blood which is kinda cool. Dracula has a big mouth like Pac-Man. The only thing you can't kill are the wolves and the police who throw wooden stakes.
- You can turn into a bat and you fly away, but then a voltra comes after you and the only to kill the police is to transform people into zombies and then send them after you. But to control the zombie, you have to pick up the other control while controlling Dracula at the same time. So it's like Raiders of the Lost Ark you really need a second player.
- The instructon manual text is really funny. "You say you're always thirsty, Count Dracula. The police harass you and birds and animals are unfriendly and you're allergic to the sun? Well my man, I'd say you've got some grave problems!" Who'd call Dracula my man?
- Next we have Drac's Night Out on the NES. Now this game was never released, so what I'm holding is a rare re-production cartridge which is the only way it could be played. There's also a big promotion for sneakers 'The Reebok Pump'.
- You play as Dracula trying to leave his castle in the middle of the night to find his lady love Mina. There's a bunch of villagers who killed Dracula by simply touching him. I don't what kind of sense that makes.
- It may seem simple, but you don't always have is items. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, I think it have something to do with the blood meter but I really don't know.
- So you can't count on it most of the time. So you have to flick switches which either control barriers to block your enemies or activate traps. Rolling balls, Frankenstein monsters, ghosts or dropping sandolien. So you need a lot of strategy to use these traps at the right time. When you stung people, you can suck their blood and I think you can turn into a bat, but I've never seen it happen. But your only real power ups are the Reebok pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes beacause without them, you get your ass handed to ya. That's what I call a power up and that's what I call a promotion: Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it. (press the pump button) Pump it up and it air it out.
- The game has a time limit which is a real pain in the ass. If you get stuck on the stairs you're dead. You can't drop down or you die. So those stairs are your worse enemies. (characters jumps but dies) Fuck! (tries again but dies again) Fuck! Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a shit and breed it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like what you expect.
On Dracula: Crazy Vampire
- All right. On the Game Boy Color, let's try out Dracula: Crazy Vampire. What kind of title is that? We know Dracula's a vampire and he's crazy...sure. (Spooky music plays) Sounds like Phantom of the Opera. (Original music of Phantom of the Opera plays) Which sounds like Pink Floyd. (Pink Floyd music plays).
- Anyway, it's a typical overhead action exploration game. Yeah, there's not really much to say. What's Dracula's deak? He's got a big head and his face; he's like (In a goofy voice) "Duh!"
- It's kinda redundant, and there's no map. So I really don't know where I'm supposed to go. Just going around, throwing bats at dogs. That's real creative.
On Sesame Street: Countdown
- Okay let's go for the Count's Countdown. Yeah from Sesame Street.
- You get an option to hop or run which is really weird. If you pick hop, that's all you can do just hop your way through the whole stage. I've never heard of something like that. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. if you had a choice where you can only run or jump.
- So you pick a number and the Count starts talking. (picks the number 10 and the Count says "Find ten") Man that's weird. So you got to go around and find the same number or things that add up to that number. So when you finish that you go up to the clouds and you have to hit the blocks till the number comes up and then you hit the bell. That's about the same as that. Why am I playing this?
Nintendo Entertainment System Port
- Okay so this is Bram Stoker's Dracula on the NES. It's based on the coplem movie by the same name just as the movie's based on the novel I suppose. I guess you're supposed to be Keanu Reeves.
- What's this? Blocks with question marks, right out of Super Mario Bros.? Yeah even the stage is kinda similar. Only seconds in the first level, I come to a wall. There's no where to go, I tried jumping down but that didn't work so I had to fuck about until I find out that you're supposed to do this ground stomp thing. Yeah by jumping in the air by hitting down. Why the fuck you gotta do that!?!?
- The music is just a scrambled mess of 8-bit chaos. (Crazy music plays; the Nerd simply stares with a look of shock and disgust on his face)
Super Nintento Entertainment System & Sega Genesis Port
- Your sword is a joke; it's about as effective as a butter knife.
- Basically, it's your average platformer. You walk all around, battling a boring array of enemies as you search the place for an exit. You can't go in the exit until you look for some strange old man who thinks of a weapon. That you can either find the weapon or go straight to the exit. What's that all about? He thinks of a weapon? Can you read minds?
- (At a boss fight; he keeps dying as he talks) The bosses are senseless! This one has, like, this gravitational pull that sucks you toward him. There's no strategy; you'll never be able to attack him and avoid him at the same time, so the only thing that makes sense is to stand right next to him, and just keep hitting him and hope that he dies before you do!
- The strangest enemy I've noticed is that green planted thing. Just looks like something's wrong. When I saw another one I figured it out what it is. You see, they suppose to be coming out of the walls. What's this shit? It looks it's suspended in the air! Were they too lazy to be just flipping around
- What I really fucking hate are these goddamn spears! Oh ass I mean fuck! How am I suppose to get past these things?! There's no fucking patterns! Your only hope is to dodge the first one then run through it and most games when you get, you're invincible for a brief moment. But here you have no recovery time. Just take damage 'til you die, the condrain all your life and fast combo. (character dies)
- Game Over? That's it? Overall, it's a mediocre platforming game and a cheap exploitation of the Coppola movie. (reads credits) Wait, who's this? Fred Fuch... Fred Fucks? (shocks) Fred Fucks? Fred Fucks! (laughs) Oh my god, Fred Fucks! Oh my god it's Fred Fucks!! (laughs again) Oh Fred Fucks!
Sega CD Port
- I already commented on this game in my Sega CD review, but it's just so bad. It has impressive graphics for its time and it has all these cut scenes which shows clips from the movie. But it's so badly pixelated and it's pointless.
- There's also this guy with a pipe reading a book...Why?
- I actually did manage to Dracula at least in his first form and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie...but the most ridiculous part is when you die! (shows player character growl on-screen, the Nerd mimicks it) What the hell, is that clip even from the movie!? I dunno maybe its from Bill and Ted... (shows player character growl again)
- The game looks amazing for its time but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump off. You fall through shit and the attacks are so delayed.
- All you get is this stupid kick to kill the fuckin' rats!...Yeah that's all there is it's just rats and bats!
- Seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why do so many games have so many fuckin' bats?! Seriously, I. Fuckin' . Hate . BATS! (a bat flies in front of the Nerd, he bites it and starts punching, kicking, and tossing it on a wall)
- Ohh...I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, vanquish me! (opens the blinds and reels back screaming in pain)
On Frankenstein Games
- Check it out! Frankenstein's got sunglasses. Yeah, they're trying to make him hip for the kids. Frankenstein's cool!
- Biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you bette be able to shut it down. But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game. Because the monster's in my soul. It's my duty, duty, to play for myself and explain why this game sucks. Because I created a monster and there's no turning back.
- Okay so I figured out that the goal is to collect pieces of a passport that says F-Bone. This is the Dr. Frankenbone or just F-Bone? Is he the monster? The scientist? Who knows.
- The control is ass. But it's that certain kind of assness that's hard to explain. It's like if you push one button it attacks behind like if there's somebody behind your back, but if you hit the other button it attacks in the front. So it takes a lot of time to get used to figuring out which direction you need to be facing to use each attack.
- If you ever played Double Dragon 2, it's the same thing. It's all screwed up. It looks like a pretty easy game but I can't stop dying.
- You get this huge lifebar but you takes two or three hits and you're dead. But I think the biggest problem you move too fucking fast. It seems that you never have time to react to enemies and obstacles. So you have to keep taping the D-pad so you don't run into things. And that's no fun! It's like in Sonic the Hedgehog. You love running fast, you want to keep the flow going. You don't want to stop moving but sometimes you have to slow down and pay attention. But the only difference is that game is fun and feels rewarding to have patience, but this game is fucking garbage.
- Then you come to the swamp, where you have to hop on lily pads, but there's barely enough space to jump from one pad to the next. If you miss, you have to fight a merman underwater. You can't swim back up; the only way to get out is to beat the merman, but there's no real strategy, so you just keep attacking and praying not to get hit. When you die, you'd expect to start right back at the swamp. But no! It starts you off with the merman! Yeah! You don't get a second chance on the lily pads! You have to fight the merman over and over again until either you beat him or run out of lives!
- Look! I'm standing as close to the fucking edge as possible and even then, it's still not enough to clear the distance. So I give up. I'm putting in a password for the third stage.
- Here, you get this pretty cool graveyard scene. The tombstones attack you. I think they were really running out of ideas here.
- Then I'm going through this castle, and the enemies are too hard to kill, so I find myself running past them just to get ahead. But that's not the mark of a good game, is it? Because doesn't that mean you're not enjoying the game if all you wanna do is bypass everything so you can get the game over as quick as possible?
- Then you fight Dark Warrior. Ooh, scary name. How about "Death Guy" or "Mr. Kill"?
- I really hate this password thing in general because what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah! Because the only reason you should put in a password is if you turn the game off and wanna come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gona keep playing the same stages over and over and over again. So what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice. It's all about trail and error. Like, imagine if in high school, you failed out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again!
- Another big piss-off about this game is that enemies can kill you even after they're dead! Like, you have to wait for them to completely die before you can pass!
- I'm gonna cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! "Almost unlimited energy," "Invincibility after losing the first life-may cause the game to freeze," "Start with no continues," "Cannot collect extra energy," and "One hit is fatal"! What kind of codes are these?! Is there, like, some sick bastard who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like, somebody who wants to be tortured some more?! Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead?
- Ohhh, boy. Let's talk about the Phillips CD-i.
- (Referring to bad Mario and Zelda games for the console) Now, if you haven't heard of them, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you: it's a rock worth living under.
- Before we begin, let's talk about the console itself. To begin with, it barely works. That's a good start, right? I had to buy three. Yeah! Three CD-i's before I got one that's functional. The first one wouldn't read the discs. The second one right here had the same problem. I haven't returned it yet just because I wanted to show you what it looks like. So then finally, I got this big beast. (Shows enormous CD-i) Look how huge it is! It's like one of those old VCR's! It is the biggest video game console I've ever seen. (Places smaller CD-i on top) Literally, you could fit two of these inside it. If you remember my Atari 5200 video where I commented on how big it was, well, both consoles are ridiculously huge, but the CD-i just barely wins.
- But does it work? Yes, it does, but at first, I thought the controller input was broken. I have four different controllers, and none of them worked, except for the wireless one, which sucks so bad, it isn't even worth it. Then I found out that there's another input...on the back! So, the one on the front is either broken or intended for the second player. This means that every time I want to swap a controller, I have to pull out the whole console!
- That is a pain in the ass! Why couldn't they both be on the front? Seriously, I couldn't even imagine what they were thinking.
- But let's talk about the controllers. One is your average, regular-ass contoller. The next one looks like a spoon. I really don't understand it. And this one has this awkward joystick, and it's so stiff. It's basically just a stick on top of a regular D-pad. Then you have the wireless one. This is the standard controller that comes with the system, but as I've said, it's terrible. Your finger keeps slipping off the joystick, and the buttons are too close. Imagine if you're trying to play Nintendo 64, and all the buttons were clustered around the joystick. For your average point-and-click game, it's okay. But for an action game like Zelda, it is nearly impossible to use this controller. It's all worth it to play such classics as Stickybear Reading, Lamb Chop's Play-a-Long, Sailing, and The Flowers of Robert Maplethorpe.
- The Zelda games are pretty rare and kinda expensive. (Shows Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon costing $58.08, Link: The Faces of Evil costing $59.99, and Zelda's Adventure costing $186.25) Zelda's Adventure was over 180 U.S. dollars. Not counting the money I had refunded for the bad consoles, all this, in total, cost about 700 bucks. I've been dying to do a CD-i review for a long time, and partly due to financial and technical difficulties, that's what's been holding me back.
On Hotel Mario
- Let's start with Hotel Mario. The price, I gotta be honest was zero, because this one was a donation! Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.
You Know What's Bullshit
On an article about Security Stickers on DVD's
- You know what's bullshit? security stickers on DVD's! What's the point? Is this gonna prevent anyone from stealing DVD's from Amazon.com's warehouse?!
- And is it really necessary to put it on all three sides? I hate taking these things off!
- We didn't have this problem with VHS! Like really now! Why do I have to do this? Who's brilliant idea was this? Is there something I'm missing? Is this suppose to be fun? Do most people enjoy this? I don't!
- And you know what's the worst part about it? This DVD is part of a boxset! And every DVD has those stickers! Isn't it enough that they're all inside the box? No. It isn't enough. There's another fuckin' thing that goes over it! What a waste! That's bullshit!
On an article about Pennies
- You know what's bullshit? Pennies. Pennies are worthless. What can you buy with a penny? Nothing! So why do we even have pennies? Get rid of 'em! Nobody likes to carry pennies around!
- Why is there so many pennies laying on the street that don't even get picked up? Because nobody fuckin' wants 'em!
- They're like mosquitoes! Go away, ya fucking pennies!
- There are four quarters to a dollar, two nickels to a dime, and there five fuckin' pennies to a nickel. It's pointless. Even if you save a bunch of pennies, you don't feel like counting them.
- Every price should end with a five or a zero. Pennies are bullshit.
On an article about Shoelaces
- You know what's bullshit?! Shoelaces! What's wrong with 'em? They're assholes! They always come untied at a most inconvenient time; like when you're on an escalator or walkin' through a crowded city street."
- You can double-knot 'em, triple-knot 'em, quadruple-knot 'em, fucktuple-knot 'em, whatever! They always find a way to untie themselves just to be dicks.
- Remember Velcro shoes? Those were awesome! Because you didn't have to put up with that shit! Wow. Remember the last time I wore a pair of those, I was in fourth grade! Kids on the school bus would make fun of me because they said I didn't know how to tie my shoes. Well, I knew damn well how to tie my shoes! I just didn't fuckin' feel like having to tie them!
- Remember Bow-Biters? They should bring those back, too. Or better yet, remember the movie Back to the Future II? The self-lacing Nike shoes? Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about! If the year 2015 comes, and we still don't have those power-laces, all I'm gonna say is, "That's bullshit!"
On an article about Movies with Penguins
- You know what's bullshit? All these movies about penguins! Why's there so many?! Because people love 'em! "Aw, look at the penguin, it's so cute! Don't ya just love those little fuckers? Aren't they fuckin' funny?!" Look, I have nothing against penguins, but it's not like it's the most single most amazing creatures in the world. Those would be pygmy marmosets. They're awesome! And the ultimate proof that God has an outrageous sense of humor and the comedy that's called nature. Now why can't we see some movies about those? Because everybody wants the fuckin' penguins instead! And that's bullshit.
On an article about Shortage of Pens at Post Offices
- You know what's bullshit? The post office only has one pen! The bank on the other hand have so many pens, they give 'em out for free!
- Since the bank can be generous, why the hell is the post office so fuckin' cheap and only able to afford one single pen?! It's even attached to the table by a string. God forbid if someone steals their only pen.
- Here's what ya do: Go to your bank, grab a few of their free pens, and when you go to the post office, leave them on the table and say, "Here, you need these; because the bullshit man said so." That's bullshit.
On an article about Public Toilets you pay to use
- You know what's bullshit?! Public Toilets that you have to pay to use. That's not fair.
- You want them to start a business for us to do our business? Man, fuck that! That stands out between you and nature! I say go out in the grass and take a shit like that cow. Oh, wait. That's not cow shit; that's bullshit.
On an article about Temperature
- You know what's bullshit?! Temperature. Yeah, temperature is bullshit. Why do we have to have it? Think about how often it controls your life!
- For example, food and beverages! Like stuff you gotta keep cold and stuff you gotta heat up! Isn't it a pain in the ass to use a microwave to reheat last night's dinner? Like you punch in some number and then you wait? And it's like: "Damn! It's still fuckin' cold!" But there can still be a part of the meal that's so hot it burns your fuckin' mouth!
- Especially potatoes. Potatoes are assholes! They are so unpredictable!
- Oh, of course, there's the weather. Don't get me started. Right now it's cold out! Yeah, it's fuckin' cold out! But in a few months, it's gonna be too hot! Yeah, then it's gonna be too cold again, and too hot, too cold, too hot, for the rest of our lives!
- You dress for the heat, you dress for the cold! It controls your damn life!
- There are some animals that can't survive in the heat and some that can't survive in the cold!
- Well, just have one neutral temperature that satisfies every creature on Earth? Man, fuck the winter! Fuck the summer! Fuck being hot! Fuck being cold! I don't like it!
- If I can talk to nature and say "Ya know, I like what you've done. Space; that's fine. Time; that's fine. Temperature; that's bullshit!"
On an article about Printers
- You know what's bullshit?! Printers. Printers are man's inhumanity to man. I hate printers. They give you nothing but shit! All I wanna do is print out an e-mail, some MapQuest directions, or a Word Document, black text on a sheet of paper! That's all! But no! The color ink cartridge is low on ink?! Who cares about the fucking color?! I'm just trying to print black!
- What is this?! I didn't ask for this!
- What a waste of paper. And besides, what a waste of ink.
- So I buy new ink, and guess what? It doesn't work. The numbers have to match. What's the difference between black 56 and black 21? Who the fuck cares? It's the same fucking cartridge, you picky bastard!
- Oh, and the paper jams. Cut me a break. That's bullshit!
- The Nerd: (telephoning Jessica Rabbit) This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number, and I'm callin' just to say, "Fuck you!"
- Jessica Rabbit: I hope you're proud of yourself!
- The Nerd: Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and ya know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore!
- Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
- The Nerd: Yeah? Well, wait till I draw your suicide note in your own blood, ya bunny fuckin' bitch! I'm comin' over! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family!
- The Nerd: Ya know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a four player mode, using an accessory that allowed four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System. Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna wanna play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person. I have a better chance of cloning myself.
- (three clones of The Nerd appear)
- Clones: (overlapping dialogue) This game is so fuckin' bad -- Fuck -- Fuckin' shit -- Rotten asshole -- Diarrhea shit -- Fucking horrible -- Fuck some shit -- Diarrhea assballs -- Fucking -- Balls -- What a piece of shit -- What shitload of fuck -- What a bunch of fuckin' shit --
- The Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream; I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?!
- Clones: Yeah!
- The Nerd: So... the hell with that shit!
- Clone 1: Yeah. The hell with that damn shit.
- Clone 2: The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
- Clone 3: The hell with that God damn, motherfuckin' bullshit!!
- Clone 2: Relax!
- Clone 1: (removes cartridge) Now, what should we do with the cartridge?
- The Nerd: How 'bout smash it with a hammer?
- Clone 1: Nah, that's not good enough.
- Clone 2: I know. Let's drop it out the window!
- Clone 1: Oh, come on. Be creative.
- Clone 3: I say we take a shit on it!
- Clone 1: Good. Do it. Empty your ass all over it.
- Clone 3: I don't gotta take a shit, though; you take a shit.
- Clone 1: You gotta take a shit? Who's gotta take a shit?
- The Nerd: I gotta take a shit.
- Clone 1: Then take that shit!
- The Nerd: (places cartridge on floor) Bombs away! (grunts, defecates diarrhea on cartridge)
- The Nerd: All right number 2 and I'm warning you it's about to get really bad. Now listen to this one.
- Donatello: Hey, you were expecting maybe The Addams Family? (The turtles laugh and the scene pauses and turns into black and white)
- The Nerd: I remember seeing that line in the commercial and I couldn't believe he said it. It's not really even a joke that makes any kind of satirical sense. Was I expecting The Addams Family? No, I wasn't actually. The Addams Family was probably the last fucking thing that ever come to my mind when I think of Ninja Turtles.
- Bugs Bunny: What's all the hubbub, bub?
- The Nerd: (Performs the spear on Bugs Bunny)
- Bugs Bunny: Ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?!
- The Nerd: Ain't you a god damn fuckin' piece of shit?! (throws Bugs Bunny out of his room)
- The Nerd: (putting Bugs Bunny in a headlock) It's just, like, deliberately keeping me in the game, so I can't stop!
- Bugs Bunny: Eh... What's up fuck cock vagina fuck fuck?
- The Nerd: Ah, just shut up!
- Bugs Bunny: Eh.... What's up, cock?
- The Nerd: I'll show you what's up, ya fuckin' bunny piece of shit! (punches Bugs Bunny constantly)
- The Nerd: You want some shit? Bombs away, Bugs bitch! (defecates diarrhea on Bugs Bunny's face)
- Bugs Bunny: Eh... Oh shit, oh shit! Eh...
- The Nerd: Oh, man... (reveals rubber buttocks) Don't worry folks, it's not real. Fuck you, Bugs Bunny... (sticks middle finger in hole of rubber buttocks) Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! (flings rubber buttocks at Bugs Bunny) There you go. You got your ass handed to ya!
- The Nerd (as Uncle Fester): Goddamn!
- The Nerd (as Wednesday): This game better stop suckin' ass, or else I'm going to have to give it the finger! The middle finger.
- The Nerd (as Uncle Fester): Well I'm back at the beginning, again. Oh why'd you have to do that? I downgraded the gun again.
- The Nerd (as Gomez): I think it's a shitload of fuck!
- The Nerd (as Uncle Fester): I think you better shut your ass!
- The Nerd (as Uncle Fester): That's the last guy, it's over.
- The Nerd (as Wednesday): That's just the first boss.
- The Nerd (as Uncle Fester): It's the last guy.
- The Nerd (as Gomez): It's not!
- The Nerd (as Uncle Fester): I know, but let's say that it is, 'cause that's all I can take.
- (at a roadside stand)
- The Nerd: Whattaya got here?
- Hillbilly: A bunch of shit.
- The Nerd: I see. Unfortunately, this is kind of my thing. (picks up game cartridge) How much is this one right here?
- Hillbilly: A hundred.
- The Nerd: A hundred? As in, like, a hundred dollars?
- Hillbilly: No, shit-for-brains. A hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the U.S. of A., ain't we?
- The Nerd: Um, I'll give you fifty.
- Hillbilly: It's a hundred.
- The Nerd: It's a piece of shit; look at this! Look at this stock label! (points to unidentifiable image on cartridge) I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
- Hillbilly: I have no idea what that is; I can tell you what it looks like. It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now.
- The Nerd: It is a shit stain on a shitty game. That perfectly just sums it all up.
- Hillbilly: That there is a rare video game, boy.
- The Nerd: I know; unfortunately I'm like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.
- Hillbilly: Ordinarily that would sell for $300; I'll tell you why. Because that is one of the first horror movie video games ever made. Are you gonna buy it or are you just gonna look at it, okay? 'Cause if you're gonna look at it you can put it right back down on the fucking table.
- The Nerd: Nah, that's all right. I'm not doin' it.
- Hillbilly: I'll tell you what.
- The Nerd: Yeah, what?
- Hillbilly: Yeah, it's still a hundred dollars.
- The Nerd: Yeah, ah -- what the fuck, man?
- Chop Top: Hey, it's ANN! More like, AVGN! I'm like, your most far-out fan, man!
- The Nerd: Uh, thanks.
- Chop Top: So, like, do you think you could give me a tour, man?
- The Nerd: Sure.... well, here's the games, and... here's the consoles...
- [Chop Top then starts to heat up his coat hook with a lighter]
- The Nerd: ... so, uh, that's it. The tour's over.
- Chop Top: Woah, that's far out, man! So is your next review going to be E.T.?
- The Nerd: Uh, no.
- Chop Top: Oh, well, you think you'll review Nintendo 64 games?
- The Nerd: Eventually.
- Chop Top: Hey, remember in your Chronologically Confused video, when you said there was going to be a John Rambo? Well, did you know that they're actuall making a John Rambo?
- The Nerd: I was aware of that...
- Chop Top: It's like you were right on the ball. RIGHT ON MY BALL, MAN!
- Kids: Trick or treat!
- The Nerd: Oh, you want some trick or treat? Oh, okay. (grabs bag and defecates diarrhea into it)
- Kids: Eew!
- The Nerd: Yeah, there you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for you!
- Kid: That's not chocolate, that's poop.
- The Nerd: It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's shit!
- Cowardly Lion: With a nck and a rck and a fuck! Fuck!
- The Nerd: Hey, man, did you just swear?
- Cowardly Lion: Ah. (chuckles) Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah! Fuck you, fuck you! Dick, dick, dick! (chuckles)
- The Nerd: Holy shit! (screams as SuperMechaDeathChrist2000 shoots him)
- SuperMechaDeathChrist2000: Watch your fucking language!
- The Nerd: We annihilated him, [Satan]!
- SuperMechaDeathChrist2000: Yes, we did! (looks at The Nerd's peripheral equipment) What the fuck is that shit?
- The Nerd: Oh, this shit? (looks at camera) I'll tell ya all about it.
- The Nerd: I'm gonna shove these fuckin' games up your ass! Batman Revenge of the Joker!
- The Joker: Oh!!!
- The Nerd: Batman Return of the Joker!
- The Joker: Ooh!!!
- The Nerd: Batman Forever!
- The Joker: Oooh!!!!
- The Nerd: Batman Return of the Joker on Game Boy!
- The Joker: Oooooohhhh!!
- The Nerd: And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64!
- The Joker: Oooh!!!! Oh! Oh!
- The Nerd: Battletoads on Nintendo. Now don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library, but when it first came out, a lot of people were thinking "What is this? A cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff or something?" But it was actually pretty good... (Notices Kyle Justin is sitting next to him) Who the fuck are you?
- Kyle: I'm your guitar guy. (Nerd looks at him confused) I sing your theme song? From behind the couch?
- The Nerd: Well, then go back behind the damn couch! Geez.
- Kyle: You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
- The Nerd: Well look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
- Kyle: Why can't I do the review with you?
- The Nerd: Because that's not how it works! I play the game, and you, get your ass back behind the fucking couch!
- Kyle: I don't ever get to do anything! You don't even using my song that much anymore!
- The Nerd: Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
- Kyle: There are no other couches to go behind!
- The Nerd: I like how your fists enlarge (shows fists being enlarged). And when you charge, you grow ram horns, and when you kick, you’re feet grows into a giant boot. You can throw your enemies and pick up weapons…So much fun. And when you pause, you get this catchy beat. (pauses and hears catchy music, while both The Nerd and Kyle dances to the rhythm) What’s the point in that? When you pause, it’s just be quiet. (tries to kill an enemy) Get the dragon. Hit him! Hit him! (hits Kyle instead)
- Kyle: What the hell…?!
- The Nerd: I didn’t know I could hit you. (tries to kill another enemy) Get the pig! Knock him off! (Kyle kicks him off a cliff) Hey! You killed me!
- Kyle: Sorry…
- The Nerd: (flies come in) Oh, the flies. Let me get ‘em.
- Kyle: No I need them!
- The Nerd: Mine! Mine!
(both catches flies)
- The Nerd: Oh, look there’s a 1-up. (tries to get it, but misses it) Augh, fuck!
- Kyle: (gets the 1-up) Yeah…
- The Nerd: Oh, that’s not fair. You kill me and take my 1-up?
- Kyle: Hey, at least you tried to get it. It’s not my fault you fucked up.
- The Nerd: (fights the boss with Kyle) It’s the boss, don’t get hit! (Kyle gets hit) Dumbass…(throws a rock at the boss)
- The Nerd: (gets killed by Kyle) Ah, you fucker!
- Kyle: I didn't mean to do it.
- The Nerd: That's really a problem. You shouldn't be able to hit each other, that's fucking bullshit! Come on, you little piece of shit! (dies) Augh!
- Kyle: What happened?
- The Nerd: I died.
- Kyle: But I didn't die.
- The Nerd: Oh, that's lousy. If one player dies, we both have to start over.
- The Nerd: Okay, so we can't hit each other. You take the right, I'll take the left. (gets killed by Kyle with a wrecking ball) Well, what the hell was that? I said stay to the right...
- Kyle: I couldn't help it. This stupid wrecking ball thing keeps flying side-to-side.
- The Nerd: (kills Kyle with a wrecking ball) Oops, I didn't mean that.
- Kyle: You see?
- The Nerd: Why have an attack like that in a game where you can harm the other player?! (kills Kyle again with a wrecking ball) Ah, fuck!
- Kyle: How are we supposed to together as a team if you keep killing me?!
- The Nerd: (both makes it to level 3) Level 3. We're real lucky we made it this far.
- Kyle: (misses a ramp and dies) Shit!
- The Nerd: You missed the ramp! (Kyle gets game over) Game Over?! That’s game over for you, not for me!
- Kyle: I don’t know.
- The Nerd: (starts level 3 all over) What?! You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! You die, but we both have to start the level all over!
- Kyle: Sorry.
- The Nerd: That’s bullshit! That’s terrible programming! How is it fair that when one player dies we both have to…(zooms into The Nerd’s life bar)…and my lives aren’t even replenished! I still have just one extra life! That means I’m going to die next and we’ll both have to start the level all over.
- The Nerd: (proceeds on punching an enemy) Watch it! Watch it!
- Kyle: I know! I know! (gets knocked off by The Nerd) What the fuck…?!
- The Nerd: I swear I didn’t mean to do that. I was only trying to hit the guy!
- The Nerd: (dies) Augh, fuck!
- Kyle: Oh, good job.
- The Nerd: (gets game over) Oh my god!
- Kyle: Well, we gotta start all over.
- The Nerd: How many lives do you have?
- Kyle: Like 2?
- The Nerd: (zooms into Kyle’s life bar) Well, I guess we’re not gonna get much further.
- Kyle: Well, I could just die twice on purpose and maybe we can…
- The Nerd: No, no, no, no, no, no, fuck that! There’s no reason a game should be programmed like this! And we shouldn’t even have to stand for it!
- Kyle: The hell with this shit!
- The Nerd: The hell with this fucking shit!
- Kyle: The hell with this banana buffalo wearin'... bastard bullshit!
- The Nerd: Yeah! Now we're talkin'! Alright! So anyway, Battletoads is not a two-player-
- Kyle: I'm going behind the couch!
- The Nerd: Yeah, you do that! Go bunker yourself from all these, like shitty games!
- [The Nostalgia Critic screams as he runs in and starts fighting]
- The Nerd: What, were you raised in a barn?! Shut the fucking door!
- Nostalgia Critic: (after being kicked into a pile of boxes) Who keeps piles of boxes around?! Honestly!
- The Nerd: Oh, don't you talk about my boxes! I like boxes!
- Critic: (silent for a moment) That's the fuckest thing I've ever heard, shitmob!
- The Nerd: Shitload of fuck!
- Critic: Fuckmonkey!
- The Nerd: I'm giving you both middle fingers... (spins around) At full force!
- Critic: Cow-humping transvestite!
- The Nerd: Fe fi fo fuck you!
- Critic: Assblower!
- The Nerd: You turdburglar! Robble robble robble!
- Critic: (phony voice) Ooh, look at me, I'm the Angry Video Game Nerd! I like to review video games!
- The Nerd: (simantaneously) Fuck you, fuck you, dick dick dick! Fucker, you fucker, dick dick dick!
- Critic: (phony voice) Ooh, I like to do stupid things because I smell--
- The Nerd: (simantaneously) Shut up! Shuuuuut up! Shuuuuuuuut up!
- Critic: (interrupted by the Nerd) Okay, okay, okay! You fucky little fuck that's fucked more fuck than any of your fuckers fucking fucking in the fucking world!
- Both: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
- Critic: Cockknocker!
- The Nerd: (takes time to think) Jerk.
- Critic: (offended) That's it!
- Critic: Wait! Would you let your brother die?
- The Nerd: Brother... You're my brother?
- Critic: (stutters) Yes, I am your brother!
- The Nerd: Well then, surely you know the name of our mother?
- Critic: Well, of course I know the name of our mother! Elizabe- (The Nerd points the Super Scope at him) Oh, blame a guy for trying!
- SuperMechaDeathChrist: FUCKERS!
- Critic: Jesus Christ!
- SuperMechaDeathChrist: FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
- The Nerd: Super Mecha Death Christ, bitch.
- Critic: (screams in terror before being blown away at point-blank range by SuperMechaDeathChrist)
- The Nerd: (holding a SNES game) This is a game.
- Franken-Nerd: Mmmmm.
- The Nerd: Mary Shelley's Frankenstein on Super Nintendo. Game Good.
- Franken-Nerd: Goood.
- The Nerd: You bet your ass, it's good. (puts cartridge in the Super Nintendo machine, turns on power and give Franken-Nerd the control) Here's the control for you. Hit Start, Knock Yourself Out. Have Fun. Looks like Uncle Fester! (Franken-Nerd growls. Sees Franken-Nerd's character fighting a bad guy) Oh c'mon! Hit Him! Hit Him! (Franken-Nerd growls. Bad Guys pokes character. Franken-Nerd growls again). Yeah you like that game huh? (Franken-Nerd growls again)
- The Nerd: Go in the building (Franken-Nerd's character goes in the building which takes him a shortcut.) What's the point of going through the doors? Little shortcuts? (Franken-Nerd growls) Yeah, get the fire! (Franken-Nerd's character gets fire and kills bad guy. Shows Franken-Nerd's character on an elevator like thing) Uh what's the point of that? You gotta the elevator thingy? I... Oh look you fell. (Franken-Nerd growls). You gotta get it to go down. Pull the ropes. (character jumps and lands on a flat rectangle box) Oh where you going? (character jumps and a man opens the door. Franken-Nerd's characters crushes it) What? What are you doing? (Franken-Nerd growls) I dunno where you're suppose to go. (Franken-Nerd drops the control and growls)
- Franken-Nerd: Game No Good! (growls)
- The Nerd: Yeah, it's frustrating, isn't it? (Franken-Nerd growls and tries to strangle the Nerd) All right we'll play another game.
- The Nerd: Well actually, the game is called The Adventures of Dr. Franken. I wonder if I assume if you play as the doctor, so why are you the monster? Dr. Franken? (character throws a blue fire like thing) What's that? A Hadouken? (characters throws red lightning fire) The Sonic Boom? (character backflip kicks) The Flash kick? Wow this game's another Street Fighter wannabe! Here you go, go through the door. (Franken-Nerd growls) What's wrong? You're pushing the buttons?
- Franken-Nerd: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- The Nerd: I don't what you gotta do. I think you gotta push 'em up, push 'em down... (Franken-Nerd growls and drops control) I think there's something you're suppose to get... (Franken-Nerd growls and tries to strangle the Nerd) I'm sorry you don't have to... (Franken-Nerd growls and strangles the Nerd. The Nerd pulls a bolt off Franken-Nerd's head and dies)
James Rolfe on the show
- To this day, I still get long winded e-mails bitching about my Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review, describing every last detail why they disagree with my video. Meanwhile, I'm just laughing my ass off. It was just a quick little video I made one night when I was bored, just for a little joke, and there's real "angry nerds" getting mad about it, which is sad, pathetic and hilarious! The same people probably believe that I go around in real life, wearing a white pressed shirt, stuffed with pens in the pocket, and saying fuck all the time and talking about buffaloes taking diarrhea dumps. 
Kyle Justin's Parody Songs
Takes a dump in a coffee can
Plays some games with a grudge
Gonna shit out some anal fudge
Look out... Here comes some shitty games!
Alcohol is his power source
Takes a piss like a drunken horse
Climbs a wall, then he falls
This game sucks his Spider Balls
Oh, no... he's playing the shitty games!
When he plays his games
He feels so ashamed
He shoots webs from his wrists
But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed
Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd
Rather suck on a frozen turd
Or eat some crap from a moose
Gonna chug down some poopy juice
These games are such a great, big fuck-up
They make you wanna throw up
All over Spider-Man....
The Addams Family
It's crappy and it's kooky
A stupid piece of poopy
I'd rather eat my dooky
It makes me wanna pee!
Suckin' some ass (Fuck!)
Suckin' some balls (FUCK!!!)
Suckin' some balls, suckin' some balls
Suckin' some ass (Fuck!)
It makes me wanna see ya
Ass load of diarrhea
It's worse than gonorrhea
I'm gonna take that pee!
(Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls
He's gonna find out which one sucks the most balls
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here
Oh, he's makin' a list and checkin' it twice
He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here
He hates the games that stink
He knows which games to break
He might just even hate them all
Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake
You better watch out, don't give these games a try
You better not play 'em, he's telling you why
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here
The Angry Video Game Critic
He's gonna take you back to the past
To pull these reviews out of his ass
He'd rather have a crocodile
Pin him down and suck on his cock
He'd rather eat some rotten dogshit
And drown it down with Rolling Rock
He's the worlds biggest and greatest cynic
He's the Angry Video Game Critic
He's the Angry Video Game Critic