The Big Bang Theory

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The Big Bang Theory (2007 -) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about two geniuses and their beautiful neighbor. Created by the creators of Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

The Big Bran Hypothesis [1.02]

Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don't think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?

[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the lift out of order]
Leonard: Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes.
[The package starts falling on him]
Leonard: I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!
[Sheldon lifts the package off him]
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.

The Fuzzy Boots Corollary [1.03]

Wolowitz: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Wolowitz: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Koothrappali: You might be bound by them right now.
Wolowitz: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Koothrappali: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Wolowitz: I smell robot.

Leonard : I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common. You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause, we both know what's happening, I lean in and we kiss; it's a little awkward at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my God!
Sheldon: [sarcastically] Is the sex starting now?

The Luminous Fish Effect [1.04]

Sheldon: How's this? "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate for you that the university has chosen to hire you despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concept of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement." Mahalo.
Leonard: "Mahalo"'s a nice touch.
Sheldon: D'you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language?
Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.

Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college; and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

The Hamburger Postulate [1.05]

Leonard: What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?
Sheldon: Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"
Leonard: If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked her, Leslie, out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think?
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

Leslie: Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex. I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Leonard: Who wouldn't?
Leslie: Well, the only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That's where you come in.

The Middle-Earth Paradigm [1.06]

[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you, a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Here's another child left behind.

Leonard: [To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

The Dumpling Paradox [1.07]

Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, Howard and Christy are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm. From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.

Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal...
Leonard: You have a TV in your room, why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

The Grasshopper Experiment [1.08]

Leonard: Do you really need your Honorary Membership of the Justice League card?
Sheldon: I've had it in every wallet I owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says here, "Keep it on your person at all times." See, right here, under Batman's signature.

[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: What got into him?
Penny: Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: You do your little experiments, I do mine.

The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization [1.09]

Leonard: Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

The Loobenfeld Decay [1.10]

Sheldon: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of: singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Now you are.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Leonard?
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippity-boppity-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

The Pancake Batter Anomaly [1.11]

Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.

Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finaly managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

The Jerusalem Duality [1.12]

Sheldon: 15 years old—Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to—you know—that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

Sheldon: Engineering—where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science.

The Bat Jar Conjecture [1.13]

Sheldon: At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Well, thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: Oh, one more thing... It's on, bitch.

Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?".
Sheldon: Yes! Well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Leslie: [sarcastically] Ooooh...ouch.

The Nerdvana Annihilation [1.14]

Leonard: [about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
Penny: No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...
Sheldon: Again—time machine.
Penny: Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

Penny: [to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts.

The Shiksa Indeterminacy [1.15]

Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: He once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?

Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well, my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.

The Peanut Reaction [1.16]

Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
Penny: Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!
Howard: Actually, that was last year...

Penny: [on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: [long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

The Tangerine Factor [1.17]

Leonard: What happened?
Penny: Well, I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
Leonard: Yeah. No, I know that part.
Penny: But he had already moved on.
Leonard: Already? That was quick.
Penny: [beginning to cry] That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck!

[While Sheldon is listening a tape, Penny comes from behind and touches his shoulder, which scares him.]
Penny: Sorry, Sheldon. Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Season 2

The Bad Fish Paradigm [2.01]

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Sheldon: Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've learned that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.e. I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard: I'm still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

The Codpiece Topology [2.02]

Leonard: Can we hurry up? My chain mail is caught in my underwear!
Sheldon: You're wearing modern underwear?
Leonard: Relatively modern.
[Sheldon shakes his head in annoyance]
Leonard: Why? What are you wearing?
Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard: You went and bought linen?
Sheldon: Oh, don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillow cases.
Leonard: [short pause] Borrowed?!

Penny: Why don't you just go the movies?
Sheldon: Alone?!
Penny: Sure, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich Maneuver?
Penny: Then don't get popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the movies? Oh, listen to yourself!

The Barbarian Sublimation [2.03]

[Penny sneaks into Sheldon's room while he is asleep]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon!
[She walks up to his bed]
Penny: {whispering] Sheldon.
Sheldon: [Jerking awake] Danger! Danger!
Penny: Sheldon, it's me.
Sheldon: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: I need your help.
Sheldon: People aren't suppose to be in my bedroom.
Penny: Well, can we talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, can't you put on other pajamas?
Sheldon: I can't put on other pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas! Penny, people really aren't supposed to be in my bedroom!

Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work... and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.

The Griffin Equivalency [2.04]

Gablehauser: Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz

Gablehauser: A pile of money, taller than... well taller than you (pats Wolowitz on the head)
Howard: I have a Masters degree
Gablehauser: Who doesn't?

The Euclid Alternative [2.05]

Sheldon: I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

Sheldon: I'm clearly too evolved for driving.

The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem [2.06]

Sheldon: Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.

Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask — what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

The Panty Piñata Polarization [2.07]

Raj: We now have the address of the Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

Sheldon: [on Penny's computer] Greetings, Hamburger Toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you "heart" various things.

The Lizard-Spock Expansion [2.08]

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Sheldon: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It's very simple. Look -- scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

The White Asparagus Triangulation [2.09]

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