Two and a Half Men

From Quotes
It's discouraging to make a mistake, but it's humiliating when you find out you're so unimportant that nobody noticed it.
Chuck Daly
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Two and a Half Men (2003 – present) is a TV series is centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Contents

Individual Quotes

Charlie

  • The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.

  • I'll admit you're kookie, Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.

  • Oh come on, I throw up all the time, it's just nature's way of saying "Everybody out of the pool".

  • A clueless woman is a happy woman.

  • I have a bad feeling.

Season 1

Original Pilot [0.0]

Pilot [1.0]

Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not-- not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

Alan: Look, OK, this is just until things settle out. A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what women do.

Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan: Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.

[at the supermarket]
Charlie: OK, cereal. We've got: Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops...
Jake: I want Maple Loops. [sings]: It's got oats and corns and wheat, it's the sweetest breakfast treat...
Charlie and Jake: It's maple, maple, maaaaaay-plelicious!
Charlie: You know who wrote that song? Your Uncle Charlie wrote that.
Jake: No lie?
Charlie: Kid, if I was gonna lie, I'd say I wrote "Stairway to Heaven", not the Maple Loops song.

Jake: Gotta take a squirt. [leaves]
Charlie: Why do you assume he learned that from me?
Alan: Because I learned it from you.

[at the supermarket]
Charlie: Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't want to meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon, your wife's out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [looking at the cereal box]: It's got oats and corns and wheat, it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple, maple, maple-licious.
Woman: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh, thank you.
Woman: You and your... life partner must be so proud.

Big Flappy Bastards [1.1]

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, don't put your juice box on the piano. It leaves a ring.
Jake: How could a box leave a ring?

Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Charlie: What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?
Jake: How do you know it was me?
Charlie: Oh, come on. Who else around here drinks... "Cransylvania Goofy Juice"?
Jake: Good point.

Charlie: Man, did you let another one of those big flappy bastards in the house?
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "bastards".
Charlie: Smart. Poke the bear!

Charlie [on the phone]: I got a flock of seagulls in my house. No, I don't know whatever happened to them!

Alan: What about Jake? You gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?
Charlie: Hey, I've tried with that kid, Alan! He, he-- he says one thing, then he goes and does another!
Alan: He's ten! He's got the attention span of a hummingbird!
Charlie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
Alan: You punish him! You-- you take away his computer, his-- his TV, his toys.
Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away, his bronchial inhaler?

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell [1.2]

Judith: If you must know, I'm here to help Jake set up his room so he feels like nothing's changed.
Charlie: Really? You don't think he'll notice that his dad's living here and his mom's dating chicks?
Judith: Could you say that a little louder? Jake might not have heard you. [Alan walks up behind Judith] And just for the record, I'm not dating anyone and I threw your brother out 'cause he was sucking the life out of me. [she leaves]
Alan: Could you say that a little louder?

Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: "We?"
Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive fifty miles to see their kingdom?

[Charlie wakes up to see Jake's guinea pig, Porky, in his face]
Charlie: Jake, rule number one: Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day with a squealing creature in his face.
Jake: Sorry. Grandma's here. She wants you to come down.
Charlie: OK, you're not listening. Rule number one...

[after their Disneyland trip]
Charlie: "Happiest Place on Earth", my snow-white ass!
Alan: I had a good time!
Charlie: Oh, really? Which part did you like best: the equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large German woman who threw up on me in the teacup?
Alan: OK, OK, maybe things could have gone smoother, but tomorrow is gonna make up for it.
Charlie: Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow; it's not gonna make up for it.

Alan: Porky's dead?
Charlie: Th-th-th-that's all, folks.

Charlie: [to Alan] First of all, that little boy loves you. And second of all, just cause your wife decides she doesn't like sleeping with men doesn't mean you failed as a husband, though I wouldn't brag about it.

Cab driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And-- and she made him so scared of intimacy that-- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Cab driver: You know, many psychologists agree. Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap [1.3]

Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone. And we're all gonna die.

Alan: I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

Charlie: I'm sitting here trying to write a jingle about a chocolate bar, and my piano smells like lemons.
Alan: Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie, but they don't make chocolate Pledge.

Rose: I'm so worried he's not gonna like me.
Charlie: He's gonna love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don't come on too strong.
Rose: Me, too strong? What does that mean?
Charlie: OK, well, speaking from my own experience, there's nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test, but actually trying to take the blood yourself is a little strong.
Rose: I see.
Charlie: Where are you going now?
Rose: You've got me thinking this dress comes on too strong, so I'm gonna put on something a little less [growl] and a little more "Ooh!"

Rose: So you like this dress better?
Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid's running around on the deck in his underwear.
Rose: Oh, sure. When I do it, you just ignore me.

[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a bad look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump [1.4]

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? [1.5]

Charlie: Ok, she's not here. Let's go.
[Alan turns on the light]
Charlie: Ok, she's here. Let's go.

Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Both: Well...
Alan: Jake has this thing...
Charlie: Got work.
Alan: Judith will have Jake.
Charlie: Don't really want to.

Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake [1.6]

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Charlie: Which half?

Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.
Rose: We are. We're friends who slept together once, and then one friend never called the other friend. But luckily, the other friend forgave him.
[Rose walks towards the kitchen]
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwich.
Charlie: Rose, Rose. I don't want a grilled cheese sandwich.
Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?
Charlie: That sounds nice.

Alan: Hey, where have you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!
[Jake enters the kitchen]
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?
Alan: Cancún?
Jake: No, it's spelled "Can-cun".
Alan: It's in Mexico. Why?
Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.
Alan: What are you reading?
Jake: Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

[Charlie is in bed]
Alan: Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Charlie: What? I was having a great dream!
Alan: Your girlfriend and my wife. Surfing, showering, rubber suits.
Charlie: OK, this might be better.

Jake [describing his trip to SeaWorld]: And I got to see penguins and a manta ray, and I got to pet a shark, and the coolest thing was the whales. They splash everybody. You could see right through this one lady's shirt. And I think maybe she had plants.
Charlie: Implants.
Jake: Yeah, implants. I asked Grandma if she had them, and Grandpa said, "I wish!"

Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful [1.7]

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.

Jake: How come you're not helping Mom and Dad with the show?
Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your Uncle Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad...
Jake: Suck?
Charlie: Good a word as any.

[Alan finds out that Judith filed for divorce just before rehearsal]
Alan: What am I gonna do?
Charlie: Well, there's a lot of ways to respond to something like this: anger, grief, denial.
Alan: What would you do?
Charlie: I'd probably blow off rehearsal and start chugging from the blender. [Alan glares at him] I wouldn't recommend that for an amateur.

Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Girl: Aren't we gonna do our songs?
Charlie: Hey, I'm just the piano player. Lerner and Loewe are out in the hallway working things out.
Girl: Who?
Charlie: Lerner and Loewe? My Fair Lady? Camelot? [quietly]: Aren't there any gay kids here?

Jake: Before the Industrial Revolution, we lived in an agrarian society. Most people grew their own food and ate what they grew. Breakfast involved...
Girl: Slaughtering animals.
Boy: And milking cows.
Jake: It would be hundreds of years before people could enjoy a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast. And what's in that breakfast?
Charlie [starts playing the Maple Loops song]: It's... got...
Children [singing]: ...oats and corns and wheat, it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple, maple, maple-licious.

Phase One, Complete [1.8]

Rose: We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm, but we don't match up with any other socks so all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten or a hand puppet.

Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Charlie: It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

Charlie [while shopping for liquor at the supermarket]: Let's see: one Russian blonde... one Scottish brunette... and a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie's Angels.

Merry Thanksgiving [1.9]

Charlie: I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?

Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey, just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?

Charlie: See, isn't this great? This is why we all come together! We break up, we make up, but in the end, the love is the love and the family is the family.
Alan: Ease up on the wine, Charlie.

Charlie: No, I'm serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then... we'll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to "see"! And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie?

Alan: Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore [Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan: OK, uh, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with, uh, all the people I love and... all the people who love me. And Judith.

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor [1.10]

Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.

Camel Filters + Pheromones [1.11]

Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

Jake: Berta, does Prudence [Berta's sixteen-year-old granddaughter] have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means if she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.

Prudence: Can you put some of this [suntan lotion] on my back?
Alan: [quickly] No.
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan: If I do, I will!

Jake: Thanks for helping me with my book report, Prudence.
Prudence: Oh, no problem. Fourth-grade stuff is easy for me.
Berta: Should be. You did it twice.

Charlie [to Prudence]: I mean you're very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I.

Sara Like Puny Alan [1.12]

Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Alan: Sure, why not.
Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Alan: You're not a musician, you're a salesman, and do you know what you sell? Crap! Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? Maple Loops?
Charlie: Hey, hey, Maple Loops is part of a nutritious, balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli!

I Can't Afford Hyenas [1.13]

Alan: How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.
Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.

Alan: Wonderful building.
Charlie: What's wrong with it?
Alan: Well, the phrase "reeks of urine" comes to mind.

Alan: You have satellite and cable?
Charlie: Sometimes there's solar flares.
Alan: OK, you can cut back to basic cable.
Charlie: Basic cable? That's what they get in prison!

[at the supermarket]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (Part 1) [1.14]

[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!

Charlie: So you're beating up your shrink's car.
Frankie: He said I have anger issues. [breaks a window]
Charlie: The quack.
Frankie: Then he hit on me.
Charlie: The horny quack!

Frankie [to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!

That Was Saliva, Alan (Part 2) [1.15]

Alan: I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!

[Joanie just met Jake, who was indifferent toward her]
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold.

Alan: You don't really like girls yet, huh?
Jake: No, I like girls! I'm just not into eight-year-olds.

[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]
Frankie: What's the matter?
Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats [1.16]

Alan: OK, well, while we're on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will. And you know what? If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? Charlie.
Judith: Charlie?!
Charlie: Me?!
Judith: What about my sister?
Alan: I never liked your sister.
Charlie: Is this the sister I slept with?
Alan and Judith: Shut up, Charlie.
[later]
Charlie: Hey, man, thanks.
Alan: For what?
Charlie: For trusting me, you know, to take care of Jake when you croak.
Alan: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, y-- you didn't think I was serious, did you? Oh, I-- I just said that to piss her off.

Charlie: Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?
Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Alan: Charlie, it's--
Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.
Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

[Charlie takes Jake to the hospital]
Nurse: He's gonna be fine.
Charlie: That's it? "Bup, bup, bup, he's gonna be fine?" That's not a medical test -- that's how you hypnotize a chicken!

[Charlie is at the hospital filling out Jake's paperwork]
Charlie: Allergies?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Is there anything you eat that-- that makes you sick?
Jake: I ate a worm once.
Charlie: No allergies. Have you had any of the following: Measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chickenpox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: All right, we're just gonna vote the straight "no" ticket. "Family history?" Well, your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

Jake: How many stitches am I gonna get?
Doctor: Oh, I don't know, three or four.
Jake: That's all? Scott Pressman got nine when his sister hit him with an Etch A Sketch.

Charlie [talking to Judith on Alan's cell phone, which Jake brought with him]: What am I doing with Alan's phone? Why, do you want custody of that, too? [pause] Oh, come on, that's funny! [pause] I don't know, maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. Why don't you try calling him on mine? 310-LICK-ME. [pause] Hey, I didn't pick it, but that's what it spells!

Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull.

An Old Flame With a New Wick [1.17]

Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Evelyn: Shall we go to my place for coffee and cigars?
Bill: I don't smoke.
Evelyn: You will when I'm done with you. [they leave]
Alan: Oh, my God! He's, like, half her age.
Charlie: Yeah. That's the problem.

Alan: Why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it!
Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.

Charlie: I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!

Charlie: I want you to tell me there is no chance that either of us will ever have to call a woman I slept with "Daddy"!

Berta: One brother turns 'em gay, the other turns 'em guy.

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You [1.18]

Evelyn: You're looking very well, slimming down nicely.
Judith: Thanks. I recently dropped 160 pounds.
Alan: 152. [to Liz]: I take Pilates.

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

[Judith and Liz are arguing over Alan during Jake's birthday party]
Jake: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

Judith [to Liz]: Ever since we were kids, any time I loved something, you had to take it away from me. But you will not take away my ex-husband!
Alan: You love me?
Judith: What? No, I'm trying to make a point here!

Judith: OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while I'm having a good time with your sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark [1.19]

[Jake is playing "Smoke on the Water" on the guitar in his bedroom]
Judith: All he does is sit in his room and play that damn thing! He's isolating, Alan!
Alan: That doesn't mean he needs to see a therapist! He-- he's just a normal eleven-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy!
Judith: And I'm a normal thirty-five-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by "patience", I mean Prozac!

Jake: OK, you want to know what's bothering me?
Alan: Yeah, yeah!
Jake: People keep on asking me what's bothering me!

Evelyn: Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.
Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]
Alan: What happened to him?
Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Alan: What did you say?
Berta: I said, uh, "Drink this bottle of prune juice." You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

No Sniffing, No Wowing [1.20]

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Laura: My point is, if Mrs. Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle, you need to be prepared.
Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no. We're not going down that road at $300 an hour.

Charlie: You know, it suddenly occurs to me. I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home.

Alan: I love that [massage] chair. That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it.

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

My Doctor has a Cow Puppet [1.21]

Charlie: If crazy ever becomes an Olympic event, I get the first two legs of the relay.

Jake: Were you talking to Mom?
Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Alan: Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!
Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!
Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".
Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
Jake: Are we getting a cat?

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or PhD?
Jake: C-O-W.
Charlie: Hey, Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
Evelyn: Oh, be right there. [to Jake]: Now, honey, the cow puppet doesn't need to know about the time you saw Grandmommy dancing with the Cuban gentleman in the Neiman Marcus changing room.

Just Like Buffalo [1.22]

Kathleen: You have a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Alan: Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!
Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Charlie: Man, Jake's gonna love this video game. Listen to this: "Sixteen levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem, 24 flesh-ripping weapons, plus gratuitous nudity!"
Alan: Let me see that. [looks at the box] "Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"?
Charlie: Scooter's a zombie.

Alan: Um, I'm gonna go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.
[A little later]
Charlie: Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
Alan: Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

Charlie: I'm sorry, man. I told you to blame it all on me.
Alan: Charlie, they had moved way past blame. It was more like a jihad. Except with no cookies.

Charlie: I've clearly made mistakes, but that's because I'm human. And after all, what are we trying to do with our children other than to... raise them... as humans?

Can You Feel My Finger? [1.23]

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

[Berta hears makeout music coming from Charlie's room]
Berta: Charlie, you got somebody in there?
Charlie: Uh, no.
Berta: I need to get your towels.
Charlie: Uh, I really wish you wouldn't.
Berta: Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
Charlie: Yeah, well, me too.
Berta: What?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go away!
Berta: All right. If it helps, you can think of me.

Alan: So, what's in the bag?
Charlie: Sperm.
Alan: No, really.
Charlie: Sperm.
Alan: Who's sperm?
Charlie: Seabiscuit's. Who do you think? Mine!

Charlie: I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.
Rose: You called?

Season 2

Back Off Mary Poppins [2.1]

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

Alan: "Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

Alan: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.

Sean Penn: Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!

Alan: Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls [2.2]

Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo", write "lap dance". Giver her something to explain at tax time.

Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.

Alan: Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

A Bag Full of Jawea [2.3]

Charlie: Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.

Miss Pasternak: Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.

Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan: Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Charlie: OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

Go Get Mommy's Bra [2.4]

Charlie: Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.

Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!

Evelyn: I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.
Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Evelyn: Well, if you must know--
Alan: I don't need to know.
Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Jake: I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Bad News from the Clinic [2.5]

Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good.

Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance [2.6]

Charlie: I have to tell you something.
Alan: OK.
Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.
Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.
Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan [frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan".

Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234". A monkey could crack that.

Alan: I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie: OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were eight?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it.

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana [2.7]

Alan: I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!
Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish!
Charlie: I do!

Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.

Berta: That's it, I can't work like this!
Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.
Alan: Fine.
Berta [to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!

Charlie: Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.

Alan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers [2.8]

Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Alan: OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Yes, Monsignor [2.9]

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

Alan: I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.

Alan: Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.

Charlie [through the baby monitor]: OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!

Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

The Salmon Under My Sweater [2.10]

[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?

Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?

Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.

Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occured to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy.

[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos [2.11]

Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.

Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Charlie: OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?
Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?
Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
Charlie: That's no help.
Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Charlie: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.

Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
Alan: That's private.
Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Alan: Yeah, what's that?
Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."

A Lungful of Alan [2.12]

Alan: You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.
Charlie: OK!
Alan: And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Charlie: Got it.
Alan: Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Charlie: Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
Alan: You're disgusting.
Charlie: Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.

[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.

[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
Charlie: To the batcave Alfred
Alan: Go to hell

Charlie: OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
Alan: You knew your shirt was open?
Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair [2.13]

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.

Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut [2.14]

[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.

Charlie [looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?

Smell the Umbrella Stand [2.15]

Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?

Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? [2.16]

Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam! [2.17]

[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?

Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.

Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.
Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?
Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.

Charlie: So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

It Was Mame, Mom [2.18]

Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.

Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.

Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Evelyn: Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?

A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise [2.19]

Charlie: So, how you getting to the restaurant?
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.

Sherri: My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.

Alan: She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...

Charlie: When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey [2.20]

Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.

Charlie: Please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.
Rose: Oh please, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around in your head.

Alan: Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?
Charlie: Certainly not Rose.

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On [2.21]

Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.

Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
Charlie: How will that be any different than this?

Alan: You're hitting on the widow!
Charlie: No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Alan: Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Alan: Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Charlie: Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]
Alan: That woman just lost her husband!
Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
Alan: So?
Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!
Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.

Evelyn [during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother [2.22]

[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.

Charlie: Alan, where'd the money come from?
Alan: I found it.
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: Mom.
Charlie: You traded your soul for a Porsch?
Alan: I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.

Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.

Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.

Charlie: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab [2.23]

Does This Smell Funny to You? [2.24]

Judith: When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Evelyn [to Norman]: Did my son... polish your trophy wife?

Jake: When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays the stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them.

Season 3

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts [3.1]

Charlie: You know, while I applaud your blind date policy, I would encourage you to consider a garden hose exception.
Alan: I'm sorry, but you remember the last time I let Mom fix me up.
Charlie: Oh, yeah. The enema freak.
Alan: She was a colonic irrigation therapist.
Charlie: Tomato, to-mah-to... you still wound up with five gallons of coffee up your keister.
Alan: Not a pleasant memory.
Charlie: Huh, I can't remember it without chuckling. [chuckling] These days, they'll open a Starbucks anywhere.

[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.

Jake: I wanna go out to dinner.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I want my own talk show. You'll eat what we got.

[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only Caucasian customers]
Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.

Jake: Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.

Charlie: So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.
Jake: I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!

Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover [3.2]

[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.

Alan: I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally inmature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.

[at Alan's chiropractic office]
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark [3.3]

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs [3.4]

Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Masticating.
Alan: What?
Jake: Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
Alan: What do you think I think?
Jake [smiling]: You know...

Berta: Do you mind if I take your room?
Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--
Berta: Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.

Alan: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!

Alan: Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?
Evelyn: It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".

Alan: You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!

We Called It Mr. Pinky [3.5]

Hi, Mr. Horned One [3.6]

Alan: Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.

Alan [on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]

Alan: Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.

Isabella: Did you really think that you could just end this?
Charlie: I was kinda hoping.
Isabella: Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to rive ecstaticly in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
Charlie: [to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Charlie: Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the look out for?
Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.
Charlie: Ya, okay.
Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.
Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.
Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Giglomesh!

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop [3.7]

Rose: OK, now it's time for party games.
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".

Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, buddy.
Jake: You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.
Alan: Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.
Jake: Why not? He's already getting sex from her.
Charlie: Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

[Charlie opens the front door, only to find Evelyn, who calls Alan]
Alan [on the phone]: Hello?
Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.

Harvey: Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.
Evelyn: Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

Harvey's mother: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.
Charlie: I'd say they're lucky to have thumbs.

That Voodoo That I Do Do [3.8]

Charlie: Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.
Mia: Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?
Charlie: Well, to be perfectly honest...
Mia: Good-bye. [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, did you hear that?
Charlie: What?
Alan: It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.
Charlie: You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?
Alan: Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.
Charlie: Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
Alan: Stay out of my room.

Alan: Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.
Berta: Why not? You're a monster boob.
Alan: Will you both stay out of my room?!

Alan: And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Mia: OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?

Mia: Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.
Jake: Oh... all right.
Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?
Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Madame and Her Special Friend [3.9]

Norma: Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?
Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers".
Alan: One of his what?
Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Charlie: What is that old witch doing here?
Alan: Old witch? She's a charming woman!
Charlie: Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie: Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.
Alan: OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.
Charlie: Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
Alan: She isn't that old, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.
Alan: Stop it!
Charlie: Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie: Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.
Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!

Something Salted and Twisted [3.10]

[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

[Alan is drunk]
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.

Alan: Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?
[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]
Charlie: Attaboy!

Charlie: You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie: You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.
Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.
Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Alan: Oh, how I'll try.

Female Bartender: Would you like some more pretzels?
Charlie: Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

Alan: Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
Charlie: Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution.
Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
Alan: I like it.

Santa's Village of the Damned [3.11]

Charlie: You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.

Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?
Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?

Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!

That Special Tug [3.12]

Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.

Alan: This is nice! You and me spending time together. Why don't we do this more often?
Charlie: I don't have an answer.
Alan: Me neither. So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
Charlie: I now have an answer.

[at the bookstore]
Alan: There's too many books and there's not enough time!
Charlie: Maybe you just need a system! You know, put a book next to the toilet and every couple of days or so you knock out a couple of chapters and--
Alan: No, no, no, that's too late for me! There's not enough bowel movements left! [he starts to break down and cry]
Charlie: Maybe you need to change your diet!
Alan: No, it's hopeless! Jake will be grown up soon and I'll be dead! An--and you know what I'll have left behind? A life of unfulfilled dreams, a-- a shelf of unread books, and three unopened seasons of Six Feet Under on DVD! [cries]
Charlie [to a woman watching Alan's nervous breakdown]: So what are you doing tonight?

[at the movie theater]
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!

Alan: Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
Charlie: You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
Alan: No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Charlie: Ch-- chill, chill.
Alan: Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!
Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie: You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
Alan: No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Alan: Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!

Humiliation is a Visual Medium [3.13]

Charlie: Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.
Berta: You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
Charlie: No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta [to Alan]: Blotto.

Charlie: I think I might be in love with Mia.
Alan: Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.

Charlie: I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.
Evelyn [to Alan]: Drunk?
Alan: He says no.
Berta: I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?
Charlie: I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.
Jake: Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Charlie: Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.
Alan: Me? What would make you think of me?
Charlie: Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
Alan: I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.
Charlie: Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?
Alan: Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.

Charlie: You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.
Mia: Would you rather watch that?
Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded [3.14]

Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm not with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!

Alan: Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.
Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan.
Alan: OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Kandi: Story of my life!

[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.

Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.

Alan: Uh, uh, do you like to read?
Kandi: Oh, yeah, I love reading.
Alan: Oh, great, great, me too! Uh, read anything good lately?
Kandi: You mean, like, books and magazines, not billboards and text messages, right?
Alan: Yeah.
Kandi: Then no. [pause] Do menus count?

Alan: See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Kandi: Wow. Can I share something with you?
Alan: Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
Kandi: You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
Alan: No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
Kandi: [makes the "loser" hand gesture]

My Tongue is Meat [3.15]

Berta: This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.
Charlie: I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Berta: Considerate.
Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Berta: Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]
Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie: What?
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

Charlie: And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?
Mia: Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?
Charlie: Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.

[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]
Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.

Ergo, The Booty Call [3.16]

Charlie: Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]
Charlie: And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
Alan: [scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!

Alan: You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Alan: Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".
Kandi: Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: "Booty! Booty!"

Rose: So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?

[Alan and Kandi arrive late to Jake's birthday party. Everyone stares at them upon coming in]
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!

[Jake is sick in the bathroom during his birthday party]
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?
Jake: I was tired!
Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?
Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.
Charlie: Oooh.
Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.

The Unfortunate Little Schnauser [3.17]

Charlie: With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.
Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
Charlie: No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Evelyn: Charlie, I need a favor.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

Evelyn: This event isn't televised, is it?
Charlie: No.
Evelyn: Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.
Charlie: [hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.
Alan: Come on, just ignore her.
Charlie: Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Awards ceremony emcee: And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.
Charlie: Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]
Charlie: Enough!
Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.
Charlie: So is diphtheria.
Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
Charlie: 'Cause I don't.
Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.

Charlie: Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

The Spit-Covered Cobbler [3.18]

Kandi: Ouch.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Alan [in the bathroom]: I can't go when I know you're listening.
Kandi: Would it help if I sang the "Pee-Pee Song"?
Alan: The-- the what?
Kandi: My mom used to sing it to me. [singing to tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"]:
Tinkle, tinkle, little star
In the potty, not the car
Up above the bowl so high
Like the raindrops in the sky...
Alan: Hey, hey, it's working! [he farts] Oops, green light.

Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.

Kandi: Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?
Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.
Charlie: You must be so proud.
Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.

Alan: Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.

Alan: I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.

Golly Moses, She's A Muffin [3.19]

Berta: Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?
Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.
Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.

Berta: OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

Kandi: You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.

Kandi: I don't even know who you are anymore!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!

[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3:00am]
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro [3.20]

[Charlie is in bed with Kandi's mother, Mandi]
Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.
Mandi: You can go two more innings?
Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckleballs.

Kandi [to Alan]: I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.
Judith: Impasse!

Alan [to God after finding out that Kandi has set her father up on a date with Judith]: I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!

Charlie [to Mandi]: When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.
Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--
Charlie: Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]
Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Alan: So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.
Mandi: Andy?
Alan: I guess.
Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?
Mandi: What's your point?
Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Mandi: Hi, Alan. How are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.

And the Plot Moistens [3.21]

Kandi: Hey, do you ever pretend your toes are little people?
Alan: What? No.
Kandi: Sometimes I make believe they're different families playing Family Feud. All right, let's meet our champions. He goes to market, she stays home, please welcome the Piggie Family!

Alan: I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.
Charlie: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!

Judith: Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Charlie: You like classic rock, right?
Jake: Right.
Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.
Jake: Uh... how about Queen?
Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.

Charlie [after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]: Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.

Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.

Judith [noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]: Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.

Just Once With Aunt Sophie [3.22]

Charlie: Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?
Alan: Um...
Charlie: You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Alan: Define "chronic".

Charlie: Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?
Jake: Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Charlie: I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!
Alan: You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.
Charlie: Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!
Alan: Come on, look at his point of view.
Charlie: What's his point of view?
Alan: Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]

Alan: Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Alan: Oh, really?
Charlie: Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Arguments for the Quickie [3.23]

Jake: Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
Charlie: It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Jake: Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
Charlie: You're telling me this now?!
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
Jake: She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie [sighs]: Who's Will?
Jake: I don't know. She said he'd call.
Charlie: Will's gonna call?
Alan: You mean the tickets are at will call?
Jake: I don't know, maybe.
Charlie: Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Charlie: Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.
Jake: I'm not a pirate.
Charlie: You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Jake: Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

Mia: Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?
Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Or there could be other women there.
Mia: I remember.

Charlie: All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?
Mia [giggles]: Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...
Charlie: All good arguments for the quickie.

Alan: So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?
Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.
Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]
Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite [3.24]

Charlie: Did she [Rose] just use the front door?
Alan [staring in disbelief]: Uh-huh.
Charlie: She never used the front door before.
Alan [still staring in disbelief]: Uh-uh. What happened out there?
Charlie: Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.
Alan: What do you think she's gonna do?
Charlie: The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.

Alan: I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?

Berta: Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.
Mia: Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]
Berta: Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.

Evelyn: Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
Charlie: I can read, Mom.
Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.
Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Charlie: Um, Mom...?
Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary!
Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Alan: What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.

[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!

Season 4

Working for Caligula [4.1]

[Charlie is in bed with three women]
Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Charlie: All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
[goes to the phone]
Berta: What are you gonna do?
Charlie: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
Rose: You don't mean...
Charlie: I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?
[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]
Alan: God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan? It's Mommy!
Alan: Good one.

Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.

Who's Vod Kanockers [4.2]

Alan: [reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.

Rose: Boy, you look like hell.
Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Alan: Eat your dinner.
Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!

Jake: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!

Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!

[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]
Alan: "God bless Vicoden?"
Charlie: Pretty good, huh?
Alan: You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.

The Sea is a Harsh Mistress [4.3]

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan: How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?

[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]
Alan: What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
Alan: What kind of procedure?
Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?

A Pot Smoking Monkey [4.4]

Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?

Charlie: Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Kandi's lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."

Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?

Charlie: What the hell is this?
Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.
Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you!

Alan: I stole him [Chester].
Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!

Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility [4.5]

Charlie: Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]
Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there.
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
Alan: I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
Jake: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
Alan: You don't do what I tell you to do!
Jake: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan [to Jake]: All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Charlie: Way better.

Charlie: Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!
Alan: Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
Herb: Hmmm. No, we haven't--
Alan: No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Charlie: Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Alan: Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]
Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.

Apologies for the Frivolity [4.6]

Lydia: So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie [to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.

Charlie: And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.
Berta: Choose your words carefully, slim.
Lydia: "Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?

Charlie: All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax.
Charlie: Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
Alan: It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Jake: Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.

Evelyn: What do you do? I mean, besides my son.
Lydia: I'm in real estate.
Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.
Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.

Alan: Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.
Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!
Alan: My point exactly.

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head [4.7]

Naomi: Hi.
Alan: Hi.
Naomi: Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.
Alan: No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: Karma!
Charlie: What?
Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...
[Charlie sees Naomi]
Charlie: Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!

Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: OK, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
Alan: You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Charlie: Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Charlie: Can we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
Charlie: That's not a road.
Berta: Well, not during rainy season.

[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]
Charlie: Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.
Berta: You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?
[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]
Ronald: What?
Berta: You Ronald?
Ronald: No.
Darlene [inside]: Ronald, who is it?
Ronald: Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?
Berta: Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.

Release the Dogs [4.8]

Cop: At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.

Alan: I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?

Alan: He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]
Jake: I do like fries.

Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".

Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.

Charlie: Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?
Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Charlie: Where'd you get that?
Jake: My mom.
Charlie: Oh. Well...
Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
Charlie: OK, OK!
Jake: ...the UPS man...
Charlie: All right!

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour [4.9]

[in line at the movie theater]
Alan: So, what do you want?
Jake: Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
Charlie: What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

Nina: This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.
Alan: Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
Nina: Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
Vicki: Nina, they're just regular people.
Alan: And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

[in the men's room]
Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Charlie: Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

Charlie: I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Alan: You don't understand. The money isn't for me.
Charlie: Really? Who's it for?
Alan: Old Alan.
Charlie: Old Alan?
Alan: Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.
Charlie: You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?
Alan: No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Kissing Abraham Lincoln [4.10]

Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?

Charlie: We had fun last night, though, right?
Lydia [sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.

[Lydia is in the shower]
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie [undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...

Kandi: But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.
Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi [assertively]: I like boats!

Charlie: [about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.
Charlie: How is that not like a cocktail waitress?
Alan: [trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.
Charlie: Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

[while doing laundry]
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
Alan: We wait.
Charlie: How will we know when we're done?
Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.

Charlie: You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!

Walnuts and Demerol [4.11]

Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Berta: Hallelujah!

Charlie: [singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!

Charlie: [singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!

Judith: Oh, eggnog.
Herb: Honey, we’ve got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We’re spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That’s why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh really, your mom’s out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom’s out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman’s going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Herb: I’m a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I’m a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you’re into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn’t that illegal?

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I’m looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blond?
Dorothy: Well, she isn’t always blond.

Charlie [to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?
Gloria: Well... I don't like fat guys.
Charlie: Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
Gloria: So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Rose: Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle.

Castrating Sheep in Montana [4.12]

Charlie: [referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?
Alan: What?
Charlie: Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!" .

Naomi: I wouldn't need a job if I joined the army.
Berta: You can't join the army.
Naomi: Why not?
Berta: Because you already are all you can be.

Don't Worry, Speed Racer [4.13]

Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!

[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]
Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

Evelyn [to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.

Evelyn: Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.

[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]
Charlie: Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Alan: Speed Racer?
Charlie: Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Alan: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
Charlie: This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Alan: Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
Charlie: We all are!

Alan: Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!
Charlie: Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
Alan: You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Charlie: Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami [4.14]

Charlie: Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.

Berta [removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: Hey, how you feeling?
Charlie: Not too bad, really.
Berta: That was some fall you took.
Charlie: Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquor industry would promote that.
Charlie: It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

Danielle: You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.

Charlie: She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.

Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.

My Damn Stalker [4.15]

Rose: Do you know what an aqueduct is?
Jake: Uh... something to do with water.
Rose: And...?
Jake: A duck?

Berta: Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.
Charlie: Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Alan: Are you gonna let me explain or not?
Charlie: What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Alan: Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
Charlie: OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Alan: Exactly.

Charlie: Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.

Charlie [runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!
Beverly: Are you sure you're the loser brother?
Alan: That's always been the consensus.

Alan: Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
Alan: No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
Beverly: He can't find his stalker?
Alan: They're always in the last place you look.

[Rose is getting ready to leave]
Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.

Young People Have Phlegm Too [4.16]

[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
Alan: Jake, I said no!
Jake: I didn't do it!
Berta: He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
Charlie: What are you staring at?
Jake: Nothing, señor.

[outside the nightclub]
Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.

Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan: Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?

[Charlie is lying in bed at the hospital]
Alan: OK, I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT I AM MATTHEW BRODERICK! AND THAT IS MY BROTHER LYING THERE!
Dr. Prajneep: I am so sorry, Mr. Broderick. I loved you in The Producers.

Dr. Prajneep: What have you had to eat recently?
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.

I Merely Slept With a Commie [4.17]

Alan: You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan: Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Jake: Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle.
Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Store clerk: Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?
Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Jake: So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?
Changpu: I have a cello.
Jake: What do you play on that?
Changpu: Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
Jake: So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake: No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".
Changpu: My apologies.

It Never Rains in Hooterville [4.18]

Alan: Knock 'em dead at the audition.
Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

Charlie: All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.
Alan: My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
Charlie: Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Jake: Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?
Alan: It's dark out.
Jake: Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.

Smooth as a Ken Doll [4.19]

Charlie: What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.

[Alan rings the doorbell]
Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?
Herb: Stop yelling at me!
Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?
Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

Myra [to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
Herb: Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Charlie: Not in my house.

Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Alan: You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot [4.20]

[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]
Alan: OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Alan: OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]
Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan [busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!

[Alan is drinking in the dark]
Alan: How was the reception?
Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Alan: Damn camera phones.

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous [4.21]

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Charlie: Berta, how long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working".

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan [scoffs]: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better!

Berta: I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Greg: Alan, you're not gay.
Alan: Are you sure?
Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?
Alan: No.
Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?
Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag [4.22]

Charlie: [drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?

Berta: Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

[on their way to the track]
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.
Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
Jake: But it's worth fifty.
Charlie: To who?
Jake: To Pizza Hut.
Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.

Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.

Charlie: It's just money, Alan.
Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!
Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin [4.23]

Jake: She [Chloe] brought soup.
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Charlie: I'm not jealous!
Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.
Jake: And he can sing.
Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!
Jake: Yeah, but you stink.

Charlie: Alan, you know the difference between you and me?
[Charlie falls through the deck]
Alan: Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!

Prostitutes and Gelato [4.24]

Evelyn: Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.
Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?
Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
Alan and Charlie: Mom!
Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Alan: Yeah, but what about us?

Charlie: Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.
Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.
Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.

Teddy: Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.

Evelyn: As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

Season 5

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom [5.1]

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

[at the shoe store]
Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Alan: I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Alan: Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.

Media Room Slash Dungeon [5.2]

Alan: Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan: Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.
Charlie: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Alan: Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
Charlie: That was different.
Alan: How?
Charlie: It was you.
Alan: Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.

Charlie: She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.

Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?
Alan: Actually, no.
Sharon: You're a very nice guy...
Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.

Alan: Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo [5.3]

Charlie: Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?

Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

Alan: I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Alan: Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Charlie: Oh, I hardly think so.
Alan: All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Charlie: Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.
Charlie: All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan [to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.

Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.

Berta: Where are you going?
Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.

City of Great Racks [5.4]

Linda: Thank you for a lovely dinner.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.

Jake: Hot girl at twelve o'clock.
Charlie: Where?
Jake: Over there.
Alan: That would be nine o'clock.
Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.
Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Jake: Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.

[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.

Rose look-alike #3: [knocks on the door]
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat [5.5]

Charlie: Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".

Berta: One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--
Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Berta: Who's telling the story?!
Alan: Continue.
Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
Alan: His middle name is Francis.

Alan: You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?
Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Help Daddy Find His Toenail [5.6]

Berta: Who's he [Alan] listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called "Who".
Jake: Bucket of Hate.

[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]
Alan: [to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Charlie: I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
Alan: I'm not talking to you.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Alan: Would you please just... go to sleep?
Charlie: Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan [to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Charlie: Will you make up your freaking mind?

[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]
Alan: Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then I don't need to see it.

[Jake tries to sneak out of his bedroom window at Judith's house]
Jake: Where are we going?
Alan: You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.

Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.

The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room [5.7]

Alan: Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Jake: Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?
Alan: Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth!
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.

Charlie: What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!
Alan: They do not!
Charlie: "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"

Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!

[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.

Is There a Mrs. Waffles? [5.8]

Charlie [singing on TV]: He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!
Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?
Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?

Charlie [singing]: I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup
I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?

Charlie: Who loves kids?
Kids: Charlie Waffles!
Charlie: Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
Charlie: That's it, what do you think?
Alan [after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie [to Jake]: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!

Charlie: Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!
Alan: What?
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
Alan [to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?

Charlie: [plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD!

Alan: They love him! How can they love him?
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids [5.9]

Teddy: To Evelyn.
Everyone: To Evelyn.
Charlie: That poor clueless bastard.

Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Kinda Like Necrophilia [5.10]

Gabrielle: So, you are a "seek-list"?
Alan: A what?
Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]
Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".

Charlie: Nice, huh?
Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie: You should see her naked.
Alan: Can I?
Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
Charlie: You really wanna know?
Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.
Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.
Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?
Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Alan: So, uh, how was school this week?
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.

Alan: I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.
Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Judith: Hey, honey, how's it going?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
Alan: I did.
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?
Alan: I just find it's easier that way.

Meander to Your Dander [5.11]

[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]
Jake: In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Jake: Gay.

Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Charlie: You clear on everything I told you?
Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!

Charlie: How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!

Charlie [after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]: It's worse than the potpourri!

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh [5.12]

Jake: You really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.

[Charlie is on the couch, sick]
Charlie: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!
Evelyn: Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.
[later]
Pedicurist: [In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.

Rose: What are you doing?
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".

Rose: The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.

The Soil is Moist [5.13]

Cynthia: Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.

[Herb is gardening]
Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Herb: Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.
Charlie: I like 'em trimmed.

Alan: Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!
Charlie: Hey, I told you she would go out with you.
Alan: And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Charlie: Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?

Alan: What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?
Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?
Berta: Wouldn't you?
Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
Alan: You're not helping.
Charlie: I rarely do.

Winky-Dink Time [5.14]

Charlie: How much you looking to spend?
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

Alan: Did you make the call?
Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".

Jake: You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.

Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Jake: So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?
Milly: No.
Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
Jake: What?
Charlie: Just don't say "balls".

Jake: I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.

Waiter: Can I bring you anything else?
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.

Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle) [5.15]

Alan: Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?
Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Alan: Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?
Charlie: Why would I want to do that?
Alan: Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?
Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.

Alan: Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.

Alan: You're gonna get married.
Charlie: Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Alan: Cooperstown?
Charlie: It is my bat.
Alan: How many pain pills did you take?

Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty [5.16]

Evelyn: Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.

Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.

Fish in a Drawer [5.17]

[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]
Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.

Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.
Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.

If My Hole Could Talk [5.18]

Charlie: I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.

Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

Alan: You're supposed to be finishing your report.
Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.

Waiting for the Right Snapper [5.19]

Season 6

Taterhead Is Our Love Child [6.1]

Charlie: Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?

[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
Charlie: It's not funny.
Alan: Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.
Alan: Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

Charlie: Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
Berta: He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Alan: Except when they don't work.
Charlie: Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"

Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Charlie: I've got an eight-year-old son, and I'll never get to spend any time with him.
Evelyn: Oh, sweetheart, take it from me: Spending time with one's children is greatly overrated. Oh, come on, face facts: Some people are meant to be parents and some people aren't.
Alan: And you have a perfect example of that sitting right in front of you.
Evelyn [to Alan]: You certainly do.

Pie Hole, Herb [6.2]

[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Alan: Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

Charlie: OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

Alan: So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
Charlie: No.
Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.
Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!
Alan: It started for me.
Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!

Alan: I want my forty dollars!
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.

Alan: But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Damn You, Eggs Benedict [6.3]

Alan: At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.
Charlie: Wow. Two women?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.

Charlie: Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!

Charlie: Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie: Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: What'cha doing?
Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan [on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Charlie: Scrambled it is.

Charlie: So where's your friend?
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.

Jake [to Charlie]: You up for an R-rated movie? Boobies, no violence.

[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]
Charlie: You know, your body's sending you a message.
Jake: Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.
Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.
Jake: If it's poison, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.
Jake: You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Right.
Jake: And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.

Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.

The Flavin' and the Mavin' [6.4]

Alan: OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.
Charlie: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.

Alan: Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!

Melissa [to Alan]: Why don't I just give you a ride home?
Charlie: Oh, that is so sweet of you! You got a real gem here, Alan. Tell you what: when you get him home, there'll be a cold margarita waiting for you out on my deck... which overlooks the ocean, on the beach, in Malibu.
Melissa: That sounds wonderful.
Alan: It's really not. It's chilly, damp, and covered with pelican poop.
Charlie: That's why he'll never win the Malibu slogan contest.

Alan: My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.
Charlie: Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?
Alan: Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?
Charlie: Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.

Melissa: Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.
Alan: No kidding?
Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Alan: Again, none of my business.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.

Alan: Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?

A Jock Strap in Hell [6.5]

Alan: I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.
Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: Oh, now I want one.

Charlie: Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?
Alan: Oh God, yes.
[Charlie stares at him]
Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Charlie: Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Miss Pasternak [to Charlie]: How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
Jake: He drinks.

[at the strip club]
Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

Alan: Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.
Jake: I told you it wasn't my fault.
Alan: Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Alan: Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
Alan: I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Charlie: Yes, but not your own.

Alan: A little religion won't hurt you.
Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of eternal hellfire.

(In Church)
Charlie: Why do you keep staring at me?
Berta: I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.

It's Always Nazi Week [6.6]

Jake: Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.
Alan: They're fighting.
Jake: Yep. Thirty-one.
Charlie: Thirty-one?
Jake: It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
Charlie: I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

[Alan upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems is smiling evilly]
Charlie: Hey, Alan? You've got some evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.

Herb: Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?
Charlie: Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Herb: Well, it worked out great.
Charlie: Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
Herb: No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Charlie: Is that so?
Herb: Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?

Alan: We need to get rid of this staple gun.
Charlie: Alan, staple guns don't staple shoes to coffee tables. Idiots do.

Judith [sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.

Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah.
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Charlie: Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
Herb: I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
Charlie: I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
Herb: What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Charlie: Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.

Best H.O. Money Can Buy [6.7]

Charlie: You had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!
Alan: Four? What are the other-- never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.
Charlie: What?
Alan: The-- the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold out our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Alan: Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.
Jake: Sounds lame.
Alan: Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

TV commercial announcer: So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.

Alan: Judith's changed, Charlie. She's-- she's a different woman.
Charlie: Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
Alan: That's a little graphic, don't you think?
Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!

Judith: I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.
Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

Judith: Herb and I are going to have a baby.
Berta: Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Pinocchio's Mouth [6.8]

Alan: "So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.

Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.

Charlie: How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he [Jake] stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

Alan: You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.
Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

See also

External links

Wikipedia
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