Without a Paddle

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An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.
Harold Lokes
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Without a Paddle is a 2004 film about three men going on a camping trip. The movie stars Matthew Lillard, Seth Green and Dax Shepard. The film is somewhat a parody of adventure films like Deliverance — indeed, one of the stars of Deliverance, Burt Reynolds, makes an appearance in the film, and the plotlines are similar.


[Billy's French speaking girlfriend rubs herself on his casket]

Dan Mott: Billy's dead and he still has a better chance of getting laid than I do.

Jerry Conlaine: I christen this, Duke the second!

[smashes beer bottle on canoe]

River Guide: Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.

Dan Mott: I'm out.

Jerry Conlaine: What does that mean?

Tom Marshall: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.

Dan Mott: [the three boys are wearing only their boxers at night, after losing their clothes] You know, things are as bad as they could possibly get.

[starts raining hard, Jerry and Tom look up at the rain]

Dan Mott: I stand corrected!

Dan Mott: The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...

Jerry Conlaine: I, for one, choose death.

Del Knox: You boys better get dressed faster 'cause I been up here alone for almost 30 years now.

Dan Mott: [While high on marijuana, after dodging bullet] Whoa... Matrix.

Dan Mott: Stop it! Stop it! Shut up! I am Doctor Mott!

Jerry Conlaine: Well I was a boyscout, you were a boyscout too right Tom?

Tom Marshall: No but I ate a brownie once.

Tom Marshall: See ya, Ray Bans

Tom Marshall: Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood?

[Crowd gasps,Tom sees Jerry amongst group]

Tom Marshall: That you, Jerry?

Jerry Conlaine: Tom!

Tom Marshall: Dan with you?

Tom Marshall: Where'd you guys park?

Dan Mott: [after Tom had offered to distract Dennis and Elwood instead of Jerry] Give 'em hell, Tommy

Tom Marshall: [about to rapple down the tree] This hell-mart's open for business, and I'm slashing prices.

Jerry Conlaine: Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. This is higher than that.

Dan Mott: But I never *did* jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!

Jerry Conlaine: Oh yeah! [Pushes Dan]

Jerry Conlaine: Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.

Tom Marshall: Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!

Dan Mott: Mmm, bacon.

Del Knox: Squirrel.

Dan Mott: Mmm, squirrel.

Dan Mott: Hey guys look! A wild deer! All out in the open like that!

[Deer growls]

Tom Marshall: He won't bother you if you're in the fetal position.

[Bear approaches]

Tom Marshal: Abort the fetal position!

Dan Mott: Stop, drop, and roll!

Dan Mott: What are you doing?

Jerry Conlaine: Taking off my shoes.

Dan Mott: Why?

Jerry Conlaine: Because I run faster with no shoes

Dan Mott: You can't outrun that bear!

Jerry Conlaine: I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!

Jerry Conlaine: Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?

Tom Marshall: No! I lied about that too!

Dan Mott: This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home.

Tom Marshall: I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone. He liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And--hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.

Dan Mott: [imitating C-3PO] We are in serious trouble my friends. All data points to us being--how do you humans say it?-- completely screwed?

Dan Mott: yeah. You know, that is, that's a good way to say it. That pretty much sums it up.

Dan Mott: [imitating C-3PO] As expected, Tom is drunk.

Dan Mott: Where are we?

Jerry Conlaine: Corner of Bum-fuck and You Got a Purty Mouth.

Dan Mott: Hey, that sounds like Creed.

Tom Marshall: I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.

Tom Marshall: [urging Dan to climb through a hole] Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.

Jerry Conlaine: That's what she said.

[repeated line]

Elwood: How do ya like me now!

Jerry Conlaine: I'm what neurologists call slow!

[Dennis & Elwood approach, carrying rifles]

Jerry Conlaine: When we get out of this someone's buying a round of drinks, not it.

Tom Marshall: Not it.

Dan Mott: Is there beer in heaven?

Jerry Conlaine: I was thinking more the bar in town.

[Giant redwood flattens Dennis & Elwood]

Denise: Can you please be serious for 5 minutes?

Jerry Conlaine: My record is 4 but I think I can do it.

Dennis: [hearing "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" being sung from beneath] The hills have gone gay.

Dennis: Where the hell did they get all this poop?

[after finding the guys while singing "Do you Really Want to Hurt Me"]

Dennis, Elwood: [singing] Yes we really want to hurt you. Yes we really want to make you cry. Yes we really want to shoot you. Yes we really want to make you die.

Del Knox: Whatever it is you guy are looking for, you gotta go out there and get it right now.

[Tom, Jerry, and Dan get up to leave despite the rain]

Del Knox: Not right now you idiots.

Jerry Conlaine: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding] I about shit. Did you about shit?

Tom Marshall: I about shit.

Dan Mott: I did shit.

Jerry Conlaine: Oh shit!

Dan Mott: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit--

Jerry, Tom & Dan: [All together, while falling off waterfall] Oh Shiiiiiii--

Tom Marshall: I'm not an astronaut, I'm an American.

River Guide: So, are you a class 4,5?

Tom Marshall: Yeah?

River Guide: So which one are you?

Tom Marshall: Why don't you try to put those numbers together. Yeah. I shot a class 45, and haven't lost a man yet.

River Guide: Lie to me, I don't care. I'm not the one who's going to drown.

River Guide: There's a transmitter in the canoe. So just in case you three go missing, at least we'll get our boat back.

Elwood: How you like me now? Huh? How you like me now, fishy? Oh, yeah, that's right you can't talk, cause you don't have a head and I cut it off!

Del Knox: Come with me, or I'll shoot your testicles off and stuff 'em and mount 'em on my mantle-piece.

Tom Marshall: That's gonna be an ugly mantle-piece.

Jerry Conlaine: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire.

Dan Mott: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?

Tom Marshall: No, but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.

Jerry Conlaine: Wow, this song is so uncool.

Jerry Conlaine: No worries, no responsibilities, just living in the moment.

Tom Marshall: It was like her eyes were trying to escape her head

Tom Marshall: We'll shine them.

Jerry Conlaine: That would kill the fish.

Dan Mott: What does the map say, Jerry?

Jerry Conlaine: [After realising the map is torn] Oh, you know, it's a map.

Jerry Conlaine: Trees!

Dan Mott: Jerry, didn't you see that the river split on the map?

Jerry Conlaine: I would have if your friend the big-ass bear hadn't eaten it!

Tom Marshall: So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?

Jerry Conlaine: No, I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was free-falling over a 100 foot waterfall

Tom Marshall: So you don't have it?

Tom Marshall: Let's go through there.

Dan Mott: Where? There's no door!

Tom Marshall: Great mother of ganja!

Young Billy: Hey, is it cool to be a grown up?

Jerry Conlaine: Not really my man.

Dan Mott: It crawled straight in my stomach!

Jerry Conlaine: Come on, let's go.

Dan Mott: I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!

Jerry Conlaine: You're a lot smarter than him. Right Dan?

Dan Mott: Well, I wouldn't say a lot smarter.

Jerry Conlaine: That bear loves you Dan-o!

Flower: [To Jerry] And what's your forest name?

Tom Marshall: His forest name is Slug!

Del Knox: I spent the best years of my life sittin' on the porch, playin' the harmonica, waitin' for somethin' better. And the years have been goin' by faster, and faster, and then, all of a sudden, I was an old man.

Tom Marshall: Well I bet you can play the shit outta that harmonica!

Del Knox: That I can. 'Cept there's no one around to hear me play it. Piece of advice: you can lose your money. You can spend it - all of it. Maybe work hard, get it all back. But if you waste your time, you're never gonna get it back.

Dan Mott: I bet you a hundred grand and my left nut that all you catch in that river is a cold.

Tom Marshall: [after catching a fish] You owe me a hundred grand and the left nut!

Tom Marshall: This never leaves the cave.

Dan Mott: You guys are spraying me.

Tom Marshall: Give me a break. I'm writing your name.

Dan Mott: Stop it!

Jerry Conlaine: Let's take Billy's trip.

Tom Marshall: I say hell yes!

Jerry Conlaine: You guys, check out this map. It looks like Billy left us a treasure map.

Tom Marshall: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.

Jerry Conlaine: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.

Dan Mott: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?

Tom Marshall: [whilst high on marijuana, in a Pakistani accent] I will give you four cows for your niece's hand in marriage!

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