'Allo 'Allo!

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Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
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'Allo 'Allo! (1982-1992) was a TV-series, broadcast on the British television channel BBC1. The show's premise was not to make fun of the war but to spoof war-based film and TV dramas

René Artois

  • You stupid woman!
  • Shut up, you silly old bat.
  • I'm not dead, you silly cow!
  • Wake up you old bat!
  • When we are too old to make love, we will make beautiful soup.

Edith Artois

  • René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl?
  • I must put up my nose more mothballs!

Madame Fanny La Fan

  • Edith! Yvette! Maria! Oh! Does nobody hear the cries of an poor old woman!?
  • Ze flashing knobs, ze flashing knobs!! (at this point, Leclerc comes out from the bedclothes)
  • Even in heaven, they know about my bad legs.
  • An old woman lies here growing weak from lack of nourishment!
  • René! Where is my ear-trompet!?

Michèle Dubois

  • Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
  • Can you do nothing right?!

Monsieur Alphonse

  • Monsieur Alphonse, undertaker - Swiftly, and with style.
  • Ohhh... my dicky ticker!
  • I love you, I love you! (running after Madame Edith and pinching her bum)

Leclerc

  • It is I, Leclerc!

Officer Crabtree

  • Good moaning.
  • I have bad nose.
  • I have a massage
  • There was a wetness at the bonk.
  • Darly belivid. We are gothered here todee to jine thus min and thus women in highly mitriminy.
  • I am disgeesed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom.
  • I am wicking this wa because my poloceman's troosers are full of deenamote.
  • I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty
  • We will goo oot the bock wee.
  • This is rosky in day light. Can you not wait until it is dick?
  • A bum.
  • Then they will be taken to the arbour where a small beat will be waiting by the dis-used dick.
  • A pissy up a tree?
  • Do not wirry, Ronnie...
  • I'm half Itolioen. I'm from Niples
  • See Niples and do

Herr Flick

  • Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car? ...This is very serious: The Gestapo is only insured third party.
  • (On answering the telephone) Flick, the Gestapo... No, I said FLICK, the Gestapo.
  • (After blowing up the Gestapo staff car) I will not be informing Berlin of this incident. I do not wish to look a right nana.
  • (To Helga) Let that be a lesson to you. Never again will you burn my toast.
  • (To Helga, who is trying to break an eggshell) Hit it hard with your spoon. They always break in the end.
  • Look! No hands! (Playing the organ whilst Helga crushes the Captain, the Colonel and René)
  • (To Helga after a passionate kiss) Six out of Ten.
  • (To Helga as a tailor prepares an outfit for her that Herr Flick will find appropriate for the Gestapo Ball) We can't have you going to the Gestapo Ball looking any old how.
  • You may kiss me!
  • [Singing the "Traditional Gestapo Dance" set to the tune of "The Hokey Pokey"] You put your left foot in, you put your left fut out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fist about. You light a little smokey and you burn down the town, that's what it's all about! (While executing a lopsided turn) Ahhh, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler!
  • But uncle, you cannot expect me to shoot everyone in the town. I'm unpopular enough as it is!

Captain Alberto Bertorelli

  • What-a mistake-a to make-a
  • Da a beautiful laidy i-a kiss-a your hand
  • (When General Von Klinkerhoffen enters the room and he says "Heil Hitler" the Captain responds:Heila Mussolini!)
  • My heart goes boom-titi-boom... titi-boom
  • Hey! Where's all the beautiful girls?
  • Colonelo! (kisses Von Strohm on his bald head)

Captain Hans Geering

  • Klop!
  • 'tler!

From Episodes

  • Lt. Gruber: You were allways a Twitcher.
  • René: I'm still Twitching.

  • René: Are you one of them?
  • Lt. Gruber: Clearly it was very lonely on the russian front.
  • LeClerc: Is he one of us?
  • Rene: No, he is one of them!
  • Gruber: PLease, do not tell anyone!

  • Officer Crabtree: The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF.
René: Bummed by the RAF?!
Col. Von Strohm / Captain Geering: Bummed by the RAF?!
Lt. Gruber: What have the naughty RAF been up to now?
Rene: They bombed an munition train.
Captain Geering: Did they destroy it?
Officer Crabtree: There were little pisses all over the track.

  • Helga: Herr Flick, where are you?
Herr Flick: I am behind this screen with von Smallhausen.
Helga: May I enquire to what you are up?
Herr Flick: We have taken off our clothes in accordance with the Fuhrer's instructions
Helga: What exactly did the Fuhrer ask you to do?

  • General Von Von Klinkerhoffen: It has come to the ears of the Fuher that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages.
Lt. Gruber: Has he eaten the carpet?
General Von Klinkerhoffen: No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry.
Colonel Von Strohm: Do you think he has a screw loose?
General Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.

  • René: I would like to turn myself in
Crabtree: Do you wash to confuss to a cream?
René: What? Oh, oh yes. Cream galoure!
Crabtree: Do you wash to confuss to mordor?
René: No.
Crabtree: Minslatter?
René: No.
Crabtree: Biglary?
René: No.
Crabtree: Biglary woth minaces?
René: No.
Crabtree: Roop?
René: No.
Crabtree: Arson?
René: What is arson?
Crabtree: Setting fire to places.

  • Crabtree: Good Moaning, I have come to arost your mither
Yvette: Arrest her mother, why?
Crabtree: She has been pissing fudged bank notes in the hot shop.
Edith: What does Crabtree say Vyette?
Yvette: I think he said "she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop.
Crabtree: Presoasly
René (Dressed like Fanny, doing a poor impression of her): Edith, remind him that he is supposed to be on our side.
Crabtree: Who is the ugly old bog in the bid with your mither?
Fanny: I have been asking the same question.
René (takes off his wig): It is I, Rene.
Crabtree: My Gid that was a god disgeese, I was complotely decieved by the wog.
René: Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off.
Crabtree: There is no need to be rode.

  • Captain Bertorelli: Sigorine!

(He staggers down the stairs after Mimi roughed him up "showing him the paintings", he finially collapses on the floor gibbering, trying to say something to Lt. Gruber)

Captain Bertorelli: Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at the girls.
Rene: Don't worry, he won't.

  • Herr Flick: I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real.
Helga: Only one big booby?
Flick. One painting is the original, the other two are forgeries.

  • Helga: You're looking pensive Herr Flick.
Herr Flick: I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight. I might take you to the movies.
Helga: What is showing?
Herr Flick: Anything we like. Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. (Helga looks a little nervous) Ah, here they are.
Helga: What have you in mind Herr Flick?
Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.
Helga: (surprised) Hitler's speeches, quite amusing?
Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.

  • René: (On the telephone to the Communist resistance) How much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock - bottom price? Well hang on a minute. (Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone). No, no, I cannot go to that (pause). Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives? (panics slightly) No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry!

  • Edith: René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl?
René: You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself in the larder.
Edith: But there is no key!
René: Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out.
Edith: Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came.
René: We thought you were singing.

  • Geering: The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?
Rene:I have the pill in the till.
Geering: Wheere is the vine for the General?
Rene: iT is here in this jug.
Geering: The pill contains a drug.
Rene: The pill in the till?
Geering: Take it and put it in there.
Rrene: Put the drug in the jug?
Gruber: (Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.
Rene: (panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!
Geering: What about the Gateau from the Chateau?
Rene: It contains a bomb!!!
Geering: A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???
Rene: It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.
Geering: But where is the fuse?
Rene: It is the candle with the handle.
Geering: You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the Candle with handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!
Rene: Simple plots are always the best.

  • Carstairs': Pretty place France, don’t you think so, Fairfax? Napoleon planted all these trees, you know?
Fairfax: Wonder when he had time to fight any battles?
Carstairs: He didn’t do it personally, fathead. He had them planted to keep the sun off his troops while they were marching up and down...

Do you notice that when ever we pass these peasant people they seem to stare at us in a rather odd way?

Fairfax: Maybe, because you’re driving a girl's bicycle.
Carstairs: Perhaps we’re doing something wrong. (A car drives by and almost crushes into them)
Carstairs: Fairfax, I think I’ve cracked it. We’re riding on the wrong side of the road!

  • Geering: It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel.
Colonel: Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo- clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war.
Geering: Is it wise to have it in your office?
Colonel: Who can see it about from Helga?
Geering: Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga.
Colonel: You too?

  • Colonel: Hans, have you got the weedkiller?
Geering: Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and... [impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front.
Colonel: Are you sure it'll work?
Geering: Yes. I told him it was for you.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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