The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good.Bertrand Russell
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 Pilot [1.1]
- 1.2 The Aftermath [1.2]
- 1.3 Blind Date [1.3]
- 1.4 Jack the Writer [1.4]
- 1.5 Jack-tor [1.5]
- 1.6 Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]
- 1.7 Tracy Does Conan [1.7]
- 1.8 The Break Up [1.8]
- 1.9 The Baby Show [1.9]
- 1.10 The Rural Juror [1.10]
- 1.11 The Head and the Hair [1.11]
- 1.12 Black Tie [1.12]
- 1.13 Up All Night [1.13]
- 1.14 The "C" Word [1.14]
- 1.15 Hard Ball [1.15]
- 1.16 The Source Awards [1.16]
- 1.17 The Fighting Irish [1.17]
- 1.18 Fireworks [1.18]
- 1.19 Corporate Crush [1.19]
- 1.20 Cleveland [1.20]
- 1.21 Hiatus [1.21]
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Seinfeld Vision [2.1]
- 2.2 Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]
- 2.3 The Collection [2.3]
- 2.4 Rosemary's Baby [2.4]
- 2.5 Greenzo [2.5]
- 2.6 Somebody To Love [2.6]
- 2.7 Cougars [2.7]
- 2.8 Secrets and Lies [2.8]
- 2.9 Ludachristmas [2.9]
- 2.10 Episode 210 [2.10]
- 2.11 MILF Island [2.11]
- 2.12 Subway Hero [2.12]
- 2.13 Succession [2.13]
- 2.14 Sandwich Day [2.14]
- 2.15 Cooter [2.15]
- 3 Season 3
- 4 Cast
- 5 External links
- Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
- Jack: Are you familiar with the GE tri-vection oven?
- Liz: I don't cook very much.
- Jack: Sure... I gotcha. New York, third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says "healthy body image" on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for [pause] a week.
- Pete: That is dead on!
- Liz: What, are you going to guess my weight now?
- Jack: You don't want me to do that.
The Aftermath [1.2]
- [Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan.]
- Liz: How you doin'?
- Jenna: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?
- Liz: Yeah.
- Jenna: And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
- Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
- Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
- Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.
- Tracy: So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.
- Toofer: I'm doing good.
- Tracy: Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
- [Tracy leaves the room.]
- Frank: [to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.
Blind Date [1.3]
- Liz: What do guys like?
- Frank: Porn.
- Liz: No, I mean if you were to go on a date with a girl, how would you want her to act?
- Frank: Like she was in a porn.
- Liz: Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?
- Kenneth: Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.
Jack the Writer [1.4]
- Tracy: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
- Kenneth: Oh, okay.
- Tracy: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.
- Liz: I hate going up to Donaghy's office even for something normal. I always feel like I'm entering the Death Star. I swear if Donaghy does this [does Darth Vader force-strangle] at me, I'll run.
- Pete: You'll be fine, Captain Needa.
- Liz: No, Captain Needa dies, he dies!
- Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.
- Liz: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.
- [Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]
- Jack: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or 'POS-MENS' of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.
Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]
- Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
- Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
- Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?
- Dennis: I don't think so.
- Liz: This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
- Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
- Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
- Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
- Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.
- Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
- Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.
Tracy Does Conan [1.7]
- Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
- Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
- Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
- Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
- Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
- Conan: What’s the hard way?
- Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
- Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
- Jack: Back at you, red.
- Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
- Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?
The Break Up [1.8]
- [Man walks up to Liz at the bar]
- Gentleman:Excuse me, is this seat taken?
- Liz: [sighs] Really dude? I got to move my coat? There are like 4 empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?
- [Man leaves]
- Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
- Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?
- Dennis: (Reading from a letter) Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried… I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we’d be together forever. But there’s a new thing called "women’s liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I’ll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter’s rights. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.
The Baby Show [1.9]
- Liz: What's going on, business got ya down?
- Jack: Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.
- Tracy: This is untoward! This is not toward!
The Rural Juror [1.10]
- Jenna: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.
- Pete: Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.
- Jenna: Yeah, I know!
- Tracy: So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?
- Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine.
The Head and the Hair [1.11]
- Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
- Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
- Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
- Liz: Ok, what's your game, friend?
- Gray (The Hair): Game? There's no game. What are you talking about?
- Liz: I don't have any money if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it.
Black Tie [1.12]
- Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
- Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!
- Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
- Jenna: No, you're a good friend and thank you.
- Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
- Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
- Jack: A woman your age then.
Up All Night [1.13]
- Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
- Bianca: Fine.
- Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
- Bianca: Fine.
- Jack: I want all of our love letters.
- Bianca: [laughing] Fine.
- Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
- Bianca: Fine.
- Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
- Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.
The "C" Word [1.14]
- Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.
- Liz: Was Courtney Love not available?
- Tracy: Damn straight. I'm delightful.
Hard Ball [1.15]
- Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.
- Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?
- Jenna: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?
The Source Awards [1.16]
- Tracy: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.
- Liz: I truly don't like you as a person. [inspirational music starts playing] Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?
- Steven: Liz, I wish it could be like that... and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today.
- Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.
- Steven: No, no, no, no, no. [music stops] Some women are gay.
The Fighting Irish [1.17]
- Tracy: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
- Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
- Jack: You are both a disgrace to the Donaghy name!
- Jack's Dad: It's pronounced "Don-a-hee," you lace-curtain half-an-Englishman!
- Jack: When I think of all the things that I've been holding inside me that I wanted to say to you... [raises fists] Well now I'm gonna let "Saint Patrick" and "Saint Michael" DO MY TALKING FOR ME!
- Jack's Dad: [raises fists] You'll have to get through "Tip O'Neill" and "Bobby Sands" first!
- Eddie Donaghy: You call those fist names?! [raises fists] Say hello to "Bono" and "Sandra Day O'Connor!"
- Jack: Those are the stupidest fist names I've ever heard.
- Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?
- Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
- Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
- Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as page just like you.
- Kenneth: Really? So did I!
- Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.
- Kenneth: Ok. What kinds of questions?
- Jack: I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?
- Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
- Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
- Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
- Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
- Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
- Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.
- Jack: No, Devon. I don't do that.
Corporate Crush [1.19]
- [Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack]
- Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
- Liz: How do you do that without turning around?
- Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.
- Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
- Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better then all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!
- Liz: You want to be Yoko?!
- Floyd: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.
- Colleen: [referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her?
- [Jack gives Liz a look]
- Liz: She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... white geisha.
- Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!
Seinfeld Vision [2.1]
- Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
- Liz: MILF Island?
- Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
- Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
- Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.
- Jack: Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married.
Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]
- Tracy: Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song!
- ["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]
- Tracy: [Singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.
- Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
- Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.
- Kenneth: Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.
The Collection [2.3]
- Tracy: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.
- Jack: I think Angie is right-handed so you have to work her clockwise.
- Liz: Wait, you've already thought about fighting her?
- Jack: Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'll fight them. You have a gimpy right knee, right?
Rosemary's Baby [2.4]
- Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401K?
- Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
- Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
- Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.
- Jack: Are you an immigrant?
- Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
- Liz: I need to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?
- Jack: With my eyes closed.
- Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic - colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh we gotta update these forms.
- [Cerie is holding the refrigerator open]
- Greenzo: You know, Cerie, you should really decide what you want before you open the fridge. You just released enough hydroflourocarbons to kill a penguin. [Pulls out a picture] This penguin!
- [Greenzo leaves]
- Cerie: Did he just talk to me like I was ugly?
Somebody To Love [2.6]
- C.C.: I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her Universal Health care platform.
- Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.
- C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 AM. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.
- Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then... we'll walk away bitter and angry.
- C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.
- Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.
- Tracy: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?
- Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
- Jaime: I'm 20.
- Liz: Oh boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
- Jaime: Are those friends of yours?
Secrets and Lies [2.8]
- Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.
- Jack: She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.
- [Others begin confessing their secrets.]
- Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.
- Woman: My children go to public school.
- Man #2: I'm gay.
- Man #3: I'm black.
- C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.
- Man #4: I murdered my wife.
- Tracy: [regarding his ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I’ll just compromise - go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!
- Liz: [to Jack] C'mon, you can talk to Mitch about President Reagan.
- Jack: Oh, in his mind Reagan is still president. [to Mitch] You lucky bastard!
Episode 210 [2.10]
- Kenneth: I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the Devil's temperature!
- Kenneth: [about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!
MILF Island [2.11]
- Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.
- Liz: I'm so sorry.
- Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...
- Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.
Subway Hero [2.12]
- Tracy: I can't talk now, I have to get my wallet out of the toaster.
- Liz: If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.
- Liz: More business juice, please.
- Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing both thumbs at herself] This moi.
Sandwich Day [2.14]
- Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.
- Liz: I wolfed my Teamster sub for you!
- Floyd: Wait, no, is that a saying?
- Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.
- Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.
- Random congressman at meeting: I can't support that. Dam is a swear word. I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a 'god finger'.
- Liz: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.
- Jack: That man can wear a sweater.
- Devon: If there's one thing I learned from you, Jack, it's to keep your friends close and your enemies so close that you're almost kissing.
Believe in the Stars [3.2]
- Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!
- Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.
- Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is Spongebob Squarepants supposed to be terrifying?
- Jack: You're darn right he is, Kenneth.
- Jack: What do you take to fly?
- Liz: Candy and magazines.
- Jack: No no. Pills. Nobody flies without medication anymore. Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?
- Liz: Comanaprosil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime.
- Jack: It's very good.
The One with the Cast from Night Court [3.3]
- Liz: No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab a cop's gun crazy.
- Jack: Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.
- Kenneth: [after being introduced to part of the cast of Night Court] Thank you, Mr. Jordan! This is the greatest day of my life! First, I find that quarter this morning...
- Charles Robinson: [interrupting] Um, I lost a quarter earlier.
Gavin Volure [3.4]
- Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
- Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
- Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!
- Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
- Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!
- Liz: [after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway.
- Tracy: [jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I?
- Liz: Oh God, this dream again.
- Tracy: That's not me. That's a Tracy Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.
- Tina Fey — Liz Lemon
- Tracy Morgan — Tracy Jordan
- Jane Krakowski — Jenna Maroney
- Jack McBrayer — Kenneth Parcell
- Scott Adsit — Pete Hornberger
- Judah Friedlander — Frank Rossitano
- Alec Baldwin — Jack Donaghy