A Christmas Story
In the book of life every page has two sides: we human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes and wishes, but providence writes on the other side, and what it ordains is seldom our goal.Nisami
- Directed by Bob Clark. Written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, and Bob Clark, based on Shepherd's short stories, contained in the books In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash and Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories.
Narrator (Ralphie as an adult)
- Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
- Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.
- Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand... (Yechh!)
- Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! SO HELP ME GOD, YELLOW EYES!!
- Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
- I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty.
- My old man's spare tires were only actually tires in the academic sense. They were round and had once been made of rubber.
- [After Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently.
- The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!
- Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!?!
- We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
- Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.
- You used up all the glue on purpose!
- NADDAFINGA!! (Not a finger!!)
- That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
- Aha aha, it's a clinkerrrrrrr!!! That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit! [Goes down stairs; falling sound is heard] Damn skates! [Coughs] Who the hell turned it all the way down?! AGAIN?!!!
- SONS O'BITCHES! BUMPUSSES!!!
- (Reading sign on wooden crate) Fraa - geel- ay. It must be Italian!
- (After the Bumpus hounds steal the Parkers' turkey) All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
- [as he is going "furnace fighting"] You filthy... [cursing] ...dumb, frattin', housesnickle viper!
- It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see, it's smiling at me.
- I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!
- You'll shoot your eye out!
- That is... The ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
- Well, put your arms down when you get to school.
- Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
- Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beetloaf. I hate meatloaf.
- Ralphie: [after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!
- Randy: I can't put my arms down!
- Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (singing) Deck the hor with Bar of horey, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! Tis the season to be jarry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!
- Randy: I can't get up! Ralphie, I can't get up!!
- Black Bart: Oh NO! It's....
- All Bandits: OLD BLUE! OH NO!
- Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
- Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
- Flick: You're full of it!
- Schwartz: Oh yeah?
- Flick: Yeah!
- Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
- Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a triple-dare-you, and then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
- Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
- Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare-you and going right for the throat!
- Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
- Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
- Mother: Everybody knows that!
- Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
- Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.
- Mother: What is it this time?
- Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.
- Mr. Parker: Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
- Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
- [everyone stares at Ralphie]
- Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
- Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
- Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
- Mr. Parker: [stunned] WHAT did you say?
- Ralphie: Uh, um...
- Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
- Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
- A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas..
- Peace. Harmony. Comfort and Joy... Maybe Next Year.
- 'Tis better to give than to receive.
- Peter Billingsley - Ralphie Parker
- Darren McGavin - Mr. Parker (The Old Man)
- Melinda Dillon - Mrs. Parker
- Ian Patrella - Randy Parker
- Scott Schwartz - Flick
- R.D. Robb - Schwartz
- Yano Anaya - Grover Dill
- Zack Ward - Scut Farcus
- Tedde Moore - Miss Shields
- Jean Shepherd - Narrator (Ralphie as an adult)
- Bob Clark - Swede (uncredited)