A Fish Called Wanda

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He is not dead who departs from life with a high and noble fame; but he is dead, even while living, whose brow is branded with infamy.
Johann Ludwig Tieck
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A Fish Called Wanda is a 1988 comedy film. Wanda and her boyfriend Otto are in England to plot alongside George and Ken the robbery of a diamond collection. Wanda and Otto want the stolen diamonds for themselves, and inform the police about George not knowing that he has already moved the diamonds to another secret place. Wanda thinks the best way to find out is by getting close to George's lawyer - Archie Leach.

Directed and written by Charles Crichton.
A tale of murder, lust, greed, revenge, and seafood.


  • [Repeatedly]Don't call me stupid!
  • It's K-K-K-Ken, coming to k-k-kill me!
  • What was the middle thing?
  • Asshole!
  • I used to kill for the C.I.A.
  • A pound says you won't kill her.
  • Are you thinking or are you mid-stutter?
  • Hey! Great fish! A little squeeze of lemon, some tartar sauce - perfect!
  • Well, Ken... I'm going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra? No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.
  • So the old lady's gonna m-m-meet with an accident, eh, K-K-Ken?
  • I had a good friend in the CIA, had a stutter. Cost him his life, damn it.
  • I mean, what the fuck are you doing robbing your own house?
  • It's a Buddhist meditation technique, focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before they went into battle.
  • I don't believe in jealousy. It's for the weak. One thing, though. Touch his dick and he's dead!
  • Now, about my sister. Look, she's a very sexy girl. I understand you wanting to play around with her. It's OK, I was wrong. I'm sorry I was jealous. Just go ahead. Pork away, pal. Fuck her blue.
  • Disappointed!
  • You're the Vulgarian, you fuck! Now apologise.
  • We did NOT lose Vietnam it was a tie.
  • I love looking at your ass when you walk is that beautiful or what?Don't go near him, HE'S MINE!!!
  • Come on Wanda. Gullet time.
  • The British contribution to world cuisine, the chip. What do the English eat WITH chips to make them more interesting? WAIT A MOMENT, it's FISH isn't it?
  • (singing in the middle of sex) VOLARE!!!!
  • Hello K-K-K-Ken's P-P-P-Pet's. Hey wake up, WAKE UP LIMEY FISH!!!
  • Oh you English are SO superior aren't you. Well would like to know where you'd be without US the good old U.S. of A. to protect you? The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, thats where, so DON'T call me stupid lady just THANK me! ...If it weren't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing, "Deustchland, Deutstchland uber alles!"
  • To be honest I hate them with their stupid phoney accents. Not you Ken you have a beautiful speaking voice, when it works.
  • (to Ken at various times) Hello Honey!
  • You spineless Bimbo.
  • Excuse me sir. Airport security can I see your passport please, and boarding card... Oh look the Queen. (Man turns to look Otto knocks him out)


  • To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs!
  • Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you.
  • I knew you'd come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate. I'm setting up a guy who's important to us, who'll tell me where the loot is and if you'll be arrested, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window! Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?
  • I looked at the clock, 'cuz I was saying to myself "Where could he be going at five to seven with that sawed-off shotgun?"


Ken: Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!
Wendy: Your father has gone completely mental.
Wendy: You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.
George: Unbe-fucking-lievable!


Wanda: Are you really Italian?
Otto: Absolutamente. Sì. My name is Otto. It means 'eight'.

Wanda: But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Let me correct you on a few things; Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.

Ken: Otto tried to k-k-k-kiss me.
Wanda: I thought he might.

Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
Ken: Good.

Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Archie: Winners?
Otto: Yeah, winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' you, baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: Oh Yes they did.
Otto: Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.
Archie: Gonna shoot me Otto?
Otto: Er Yes. Yes friad so old chap sorry.

[Otto dangling Archie out of a window]
Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.
Otto: You're really sorry?
Archie: I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.
Otto: You take it back?
Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Otto: OK.

Otto: You really like animals, don't you Ken? What's the attraction?
Ken: Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...
Otto: Shit on you?
Ken: Show off all the time.

Wanda: And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia...
Archie: Yes?
Wanda: He said, why did they name her after a car?

Ken: There's something f-f-funny going on.
Otto: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited.
Ken: I saw...
Otto: Ken, Ken, Ken! I didn't wanna say anything with George here, but isn't it time you faced reality? Come on! You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart. You've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
Ken: Wh-what...
Otto: We could have fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
Ken: You must be j-j-j...
Otto: May I kiss you?
Ken: No, you fucking can't!
Otto: Just a peck! No tongue! Ken!
Ken: No!

Otto: Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
Ken: I'm n-n-n...
Otto: No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!
Ken: You b-b-b...
Otto: Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.

Wanda: Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?
Otto: [Fires his gun into the empty safe]
Wanda: What are you doing?
Otto: I'm thinking!

Otto: When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?

Archie: [Puts the gun in Otto's back and pushes him to the wall]
Otto: OK, OK, OK, OK. Don't get excited. OK, OK, OK. Oh, it's you! I was actually worried there.
Archie: Keep your hands up.
Otto: No!
Archie: Put 'em up!
Otto: I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.
Archie: Put the other one up!
Otto: Which looks better?
Archie: I'm warning you, Otto.
Otto: What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Hey! If you wanna settle something with me, why don't you fight me? You're a man, aren't you? Let's fight like men! Come on!

Archie:How come a girl as smart as you has a brother who's so...
Otto:Don't call me stupid.

Wendy:Goodnight Archie, GOODNIGHT ARCHIE!
Archie:Goodnight Wanda.


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