According to Jim
It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.Don Herold
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- Jim: I married her for her looks.
- Cheryl: I married him for his money.
- Jim: Hah! I win!
- Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
- Dana: But you are big, Jim.
- Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
- Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!
- Jim: "Where's the rulebook?"
- Cheryl: "What rulebook?"
- Jim: "You know. The religious one . . . the Bible."
- Jim: "I am in great shape."
- Cheryl: "What shape is that, a circle?"
- Cheryl: "He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass." [about Jim]
- Mindy: [speaking Japanese] "Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [meaning "Where is the train station?"] Who can guess what that means?"
- Dana: "I'd like to kill myself."
- Mindy: "Silly – no."
- Dana: "No, I'd like to kill myself."
- Dana: "Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!"
- Andy: "I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!"
- Andy: "Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?"
- Roxanne: "Oh, geez, Jimmy. Can't a girl show up on her brother's doorstep, alone, broke, and knocked up, and not be after something?"
- Jim: (to Cheryl) "When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst."
- Dana: "What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?"
- Andy: "Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble..."
- Jim: "You're insane!"
- Jim: "Are you nervous?"
- Ruby: "No"
- Jim: "Then why are your hands so cold?"
- Ruby: "You made me hold your Slurpee!"
- Jim "Heroes aren't born...they're cornered." [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant]
- Jim (To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party) It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?
- Jim: "Circumcise your watches."
- Jim: "Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!"
- Jim: "Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1." [about World War II]
- Jim: "The toliet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!"