CAROLLAISMS (mostly from Loveline):
- Drew, we have the world's dumbest callers. I love everything about this listener call-in show except the part about taking calls from listeners.
- The only chance we have for survival, as a country and as a planet, is if idiots stop having kids. Listen: either don't screw up your kids, or don't have any! It's a lot like owning a horse: If you can't keep it in a stall, feed it some hay, and brush it down once in a while, then don't have one! Do you see what I mean? Just don't have one and let it rot in the yard!
- Stupid people don't know they're stupid. Realizing you are stupid is the first step to becoming smart.
- Never read anything. Reading poisons the mind.
- Money does not buy happiness, it only makes you less unhappy. I know lots of rich guys and they aint necessarily happy. Being poor is miserable and horrible. Poverty is painful. Money eases that pain, but doesn't necessarily make you happy.
- A hot 25-year-old chick often goes for an older guy cuz most 25-year-old dudes got no confidence, no career, no money, no direction, and chicks don't like that. Your life is nowhere at 25. I remember being totally lost at 25, cleaning carpets, working construction, my head spinning like a dradel wondering if I should be an engineer or comedian or pirate-astronaut. It's terrifying to have no direction at age 25, a big turn-off to chicks.
- Here's the problem with TV. All people on TV are TV people, and TV people are dumber than the dumbest guys you went to high school with, they just dress better.
- At 13 you whack off 19 times a day anyway. Imagine being on a Viagra and like a liter of Mountain Dew and home alone with the VCR on a snow day from school. His mom would come home from work and open the front door and a big avalanche of semen would come out and wash her down the street.
- I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
- I'd show up at raves at like 3 in the morning and just be like garbage man. I'd be straight as an arrow and everyone else would be passed out, and I'd scrape up what was left and have sex with it.
- My brain and ass should be in the Smithsonian after I die, or even before I die.
- I spoke to my dad and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me, but that was me and my sister and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
- The greatest part about Playboy is the playmates' turn-ons and turn-offs. The turn-offs are always stuff like 'mean guys,' or maybe 'smokers.' But the turn-ons are always vague. They don't come right out and say 'nine-inch penis,' 'Bentley,' and 'owns a hotel or two.' Instead, they say stuff like 'good sense of humor' or 'likes music and walks on the beach.' Meanwhile, some guy who works on a loading dock thinks, 'I like the beach, I'm funny, and I love that music! We were made for each other!' Then he renews his subscription.
- When I'm at the porn store--I'm not there all the time, maybe about five hours a day--I'm walking through the sections, making my way, making my way--and then I get to the gay section. And it always takes a second to process, because it all just looks like a ball of flesh, and everything's kind of shiny, you know? So I'm like, 'Huh? Hey, that chick's got a mustache...Awwww!'
- I believe that at least 65-80% of auto glass breakage is caused from domestic disputes. Your car is like a piece of you that you leave out in your driveway unguarded. It's almost like you left one of your ass cheeks out in your driveway for someone to kick, spit on, urinate on, or break while you were somewhere else. In every young-person breakup dispute, the car always suffers the most.
- I question not only those who are getting their penis pierced, but also those who are doing the piercing. I mean, this is what you're doing for a living? God, your parents have to be pissed."
- The only logical, sort of scientific way to figure this out is: you've got to put the bible down on a coffee table, and then you have to put a pair of soiled panties down on the same coffee table on the other side, adjacent to the bible. Then you take your vibrator (or dildo) and you spin it around. Now, God will control the outcome of this experiment. If there is a God, he will make sure that the dildo points towards the bible, in which case you must stop masturbating, and simply destroy the dildo. This is just good science.
- When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.
- Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin' out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it'll come back, no big deal. Once in a while it'll get eaten by a coyote.
- I'm open minded...but close be-hind-ed
Adam on Atheism
- From Penn Jillette's 09-Mar-2006 radio show:
- Penn: My wife informed me that you are also an out-of-the-closet atheist.... Have you ever been religious?
- Adam: No.... If you were not born into that culture, it seems like the most outlandish thing in the world. Obviously, you could take any Christian and have them born into the fundamentalist Hasidim (Jews), and they'd be walking around with the beard and the whole getup. So obviously, if you weren't indoctrinated into that early on, then it makes no sense. I also [am] very insulted when people say "Well without religion what's to stop people?" Somehow we don't know it's intrinsically wrong to kill, or to cheat, or to do whatever other things it says in the Bible.... I would rather have a police department built into them rather than have one around them in the form of a church or bible or whatever [to which] they can repent. If you are an atheist and have a set of values and moral codes like we do, you can't do anything wrong because your viscera won't let you. It's within. It's impossible. And I also say this to the a-holes who make these accusations: how many people on death row are atheists? They all love Jesus and they all put a shiv into a Korean liquor store owner because they love Jesus that much.... I used to work with born-again gang-bangers installing closets in Burbank. These were amongst the scariest people I've ever met in my life. A guy thumping a bible, asking for traveling mercy and speaking in tongues with a teardrop tattoo. This is a frightening guy....
- Loveline rant August 2002 from Celebrity Atheists website:
Adam: "Y'know that Osama Bin Laden and his crazy followers, those religious guys are nuts, y'know, the Muslims carrying a blanket around to pray to Mecca five times a day, Orthodox Jews with long beards and long sideburns 'cuz they're not allowed to shave, Catholic priests not allowed to have women so they molest boys, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Christian Scientists... they're all nuts. You don't want to get into it, Drew, but this religion stuff is just mental illness, right Drew?"
Dr. Drew: "Mm-hmm."
Adam: "I really think so, Drew, these guys with blankets and funny hats and long beards, that's mental illness. If you took a teenager and told him to put these funny clothes on and never shave and pray five times a day, he'd think you're nuts. Christian preachers telling us we're going to hell-- they're all nuts!"
Caller: "You will burn in hell for your anti-Christian remarks!"
Adam: "Hell probably ain't that bad a place. I'll probably see all my friends there!"
Caller: "Your skin will be on fire in hell and will burn over and over again!"
Adam: "You mean my skin will burn then grow back and reburn? How about those Orthodox Jews with their beards, will those beards burn and reburn?"
Caller: "All Jews will burn in hell who do not accept Jesus Christ as lord and savior!"
Adam: "So their beards will burn then grow then burn again! Wow! You got me worried now! See I didn't mind burning in hell, but this idea that my skin will grow back then burn over again, man! Now I'm worried! I didn't know hell was such a tough place!"
Next Caller, drug addict with thick southern accent: "How kin I git sober?"
Adam: "Find Jesus!"
- Adam Carolla at IMDb