Adam Hills

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Happiness lies neither in vice nor in virtue; but in the manner we appreciate the one and the other, and the choice we make pursuant to our individual organization.
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Adam Hills (born 1970) is an Australian comedian and television personality.


  • Can you imagine some big bloke from Newcastle going [dons Geordie accent] I've got the baby reet 'ere. He's Dad's only a few metres away, If 'e comes any closer, I'll fucking twat 'im!
    • Go You Big Red Fire Engine, Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2001
  • White Australians were sent to Australia as convicts on great big boats. The scum of the earth, sent to the arsehole of the planet. On the way they must have been going 'I can't believe I'm being sent to this shithole, all I did was steal a loaf of bread, and now I'm being sent to this shithole, it's gonna be horrible, I'm going to hate it', then the convicts docked at Bondi Beach. They all looked up and went 'OH YEAH!'...and a nation was born!
  • It doesn't quite work in an Aussie accent does it? 'Talk the hand...because the face has fucked off!'
  • On the Aussie Weakest Link it's not 'You are the weakest link, goodbye', it's more 'You are the weakest link...See ya later.' 'Cos from what I can tell, it sums up British people, because from what I can work out, English people are all a bunch of grumpy fucks. And nowhere does that get a bigger cheer than in England. Say that in London and all the audience will go 'YES! We're as miserable as shit! HURRAH!'
  • I've realised now that I am so gay. I love everything gay men love, except the whole ya'know, sex with men thing. I mean all the good stuffs gone, Abba: GAY, Wonderwoman: GAY, The Village People: GAY who woulda thought the Village People were gay? It's just like 20 years ago the Gay community got divorced from the Straight community and said "We're leaving and we're having the good CD's. We're having Kylie, Duran Duran and Frankie Goes To Hollywood. You can have Bon Jovi.
  • (On the Australian National Anthem): It's just not the most inspiring anthem in the world is it? I mean, the words are alright: 'Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free', except for that last line 'our home is girt by sea.' 'Cos 'girt' means surrounded. How many of you have ever used the word 'girt' in a sentence in your life? Seriously, you never see a policeman and 4 police cars outside your house saying : 'Come out of there with your hands up, we have you girt.'
  • (On the BBC TV show Mock the Week the panel talk about Adam's fake leg): Yeah, i was going through customs, just a few days after the September 11th attacks so security was really tight. As I went through the barriers, my leg set off the alarm, so I had this guy come and feel me and he felt my leg and went "Right, right what's this going on here then?" "Ah mate, it's a wooden leg" "...Ah mate, just go through, just go through" "...but I could have a knife or something..." "No mate, just go through, I don't wanna offend a spastic!"
  • On Australians ................ a people "of boundless enthusiasm and utter stupidity" - (linked the "OH YEAH" response to whatever outlandishly dangerous exploit is proposed). Seen and heard at Edinburgh Fringe (2001?).


  • My favourite German word, though, is schadenfrude. Schadenfrude is when you feel good because something bad is happening to someone else. I'm gonna demonstrate that, John can you stand up for a second please? Can you turn round, face the entire audience, and after five years in the country can you sing the Australian national anthem word for word? Right stop! Before you do, you know the way you're all feeling now? That's schadenfrude.
  • (In summary of a story about a surreal moment.) This guy has walked out of a venue, collapsed in the middle of a pub, his best mate, who’s the only doctor in the building has been picked up and carried away by security guards, his girlfriend stepped over his prone body to ask me for an autograph, and now Bart Simpson is telling him to come away from the light! THAT IS SURREAL!!!

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