Addams Family Values

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The truth is that there is only one terminal dignity—love. And the story of a love is not important—what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
Helen Hayes
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Addams Family Values is a 1993 sequel to the 1991 comedy The Addams Family.

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeldcast. Written by Paul Rudnick.


[Morticia lies on a gurney, enduring intense labour pains. Gomez hovers over her anxiously.]
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? Is it torture?
Morticia: [coquettishly] Oui.

Little girl in the Hospital Waiting Room: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork and the stork flew down and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch and the diamond turned in to a baby.
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too
Wednesday: They had sex.

(With the first nanny)
Heather: Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them? [lights a match]
(Second nanny)
Mrs. Montgomery: All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question- where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
(Third nanny)
Polly: [holding up a puppet] Hello, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today? I know- let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello, Polly. I'll clean my exchange for your immortal soul.

Debbie: [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.

Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.

[Debbie and Fester stroll through a graveyard in the moonlight.]
Debbie: [seductively posing on a tombstone] Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession. I'm a virgin.
Fester: You are?
Debbie: Yes.
Fester: [pause] What's that?
Debbie: It's someone who's never...experienced...physical love.
Fester: Ohhhhh, you mean with another person!

Gomez: And now - the pièce de la résistance! [Lurch drags in an enormous, grayish cake; wheels creak] Ta-dah! [louder, after a pause] TA-DAH!
[Nothing happens. As an embarrassed silence descends on the party, Gomez opens the top of the cake and looks inside; smoke billows out]
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head. The guests remain quiet, except for a few sympathetic coos from Cousin Itt. Gomez replaces the lid.]
Gomez: [brightening] C'est la vie!

[Wednesday and Joel sit on a bench looking out at the lake.]
Wednesday: Are you really allergic?
Joel: Uh-huh, to almost everything.
Wednesday: No, you're not.
Joel: Am too. I can't have dairy products, or wear wool, or drink fluoridated water. Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Wednesday: What?
Joel: I DIE!
[Wednesday scoots closer to him as sentimental music plays]

Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this- I got 'em, "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series- I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac guy.

[Morticia sits in a sunlit nursery, holding a cherubic Pubert and reading The Cat in the Hat; she pauses and looks down at him]
Morticia: Are you enjoying this? A child of mine?
[She reads a bit more, then flips to the last page]
Morticia: [sadly] Oh, no...he lives.

Grandma: [waves a skull at Debbie] Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.

[Gomez lies in bed, weeping in despair at Fester's departure; Fester bursts in and kneels by the bed]
Fester: Gomez!
Morticia, Grandmama: Fester!
Gomez: [distractedly] Fester? Where is Fester?
Morticia: He's right here, mon chére.
Fester: It's me, Gomez. I lived in shame, in the suburbs!
Gomez: [disgustedly] But you belong to Debbie! You are Debbie's love toy! You...are MISTER DEBBIE!!!
Fester: I am an Addams!

[Wednesday and Joel sit talking outside the Addams mansion]
Joel: Wednesday, do you think someday you might want to get married and have kids?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: But what if you met just the right man, who worshiped and adored you, who'd do anything you say, who'd be your devoted slave?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Wednesday: Joel, I may never see you again. There are forces tearing us apart- Gary, Debbie, 7th grade...
Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: You're too weird. Cara mía!
Wednesday: Mon chére!
[they kiss, then both spit to clean out their mouths]

[Wednesday and Amanda do lifeguard saving at camp.]
Amanda: [horrified] Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?

Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Amanda: I'm going to be an actress.
Gary: Brava! Now, Amanda- jump in the water and swim out a couple of yards and start drowning. [Amanda jumps in the water]
Amanda: [overacting] Help me! I'm drowning! Help me, I'm dying! [she takes a deep breath and sinks]
Wednesday: [deadpan] I can't swim. [as large air bubbles erupt from the spot where Amanda is runnning out of air]

[Debbie has just blown up the house.]
Fester: Sweetie! Did you get the champagne?
Debbie: FREEZE!
Fester: Pookie.
Debbie: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity, but oh, no, not you.
Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Fester: Don't you love me? [she laughs pityingly] Is that a no?
Debbie: Do I love you? Look at yourself! You're the missing link! You shouldn't be married, you should be studied! You're a big, dumb, weird...thing! No woman in her right mind could love you.

[During the camp's Thanksgiving play, with Wednesday as Pocahontas and Amanda as Sarah Miller]
Wednesday: [going off the script] Wait!
Amanda: [confused] What?
Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky: [whispering] Wednesday!
Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations; your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadside; you will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation; your people will have stick-shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words!
Wednesday: And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Pugsley: Do you miss her?
Fester: Sometimes, late at night...I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!"

[at Debbbie's grave]
Wednesday: She wasn't sick, she was sloppy. If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it- and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel: No, you wouldn't. [to the headstone] We're all very sorry, Debbie, and wish you only the best.
[Thing's hand erupts from the soil and grabs his arm; he screams as Wednesday gives an evil smile]

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