Al Murray

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Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.
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Al Murray (born 10 May, 1968) is British stand-up comedian who is better known as his stand-up alter-ego 'The Pub Landlord'.

Al Murray's Happy Hour

  • And where would we be without rules, eh? That's right, France. And where would we be with too many rules? Germany.
  • (There are many variations of the "where would we be..." joke, often following on from the Germany line) Where would we be with laws that involved us fighting animals? Spain.
  • Where would we be with laws that favoured cyclists? Holland.
  • Where would we be if they supported us by running away as soon as we saw the enemy? That's right, Italy!
  • Where would we be if our government spent so much money on the Olympic games that all others after it will look like total crap, espicaly London 2012? Yes, China.
  • Where would we be if the only way to get our country on the news was to build a machine that could create black holes and distroy the space time continum? Switzerland!
  • Where would we be when the sight of a half-man half-goat would not disgust the eye? Narnia!
  • Where would we be if a giant mouse patting a child on the head is normal? Disneyland.
  • Where would we be if England won the World cup, and beer & laughter ran through every home in the land? Fucking Dreamland.
  • Wine or fruit-based drink for the ladies.
  • I respect the Germans, they tried twice.
  • The Euro isn't all bad, at least they left Wales off.
  • You see, the thing about xenophobia is, it's a Greek word.
  • I'd like to thank the Americans for their help in the War Against Terror, because if you hadn't funded the IRA for 30 years, we wouldn't know how to deal with freedom fighters, would we?
  • (to Australian audience members) Welcome back! Returning to the scene of the crime then?
  • We're in a country that doesn't allow children to drink alcohol, but they can be a pub landlord. (fakes crying) Beautiful.

Al Murray: My gaff, my rules

  • Rugby, posh man's sport of course, fifteen men on a team, because posh people can afford to have more friends.
  • (addressing an audience member who has admitted to being a police officer) They say that ignorance leads to hatred but in this case, it's knowledge.
  • Great Britain traditionally has trouble with countries beginning with an I. Good rule of thumb. Iran, Iraq, Indonesia, India, it's over now of course, Italy, not a threat as such but ... dealt with, Ireland, we're playing the long game on that one obviously, Iceland, Cold War '74, 'itler's Germany.
  • We shouldn't insult the French of course, because they're not here to defend themselves. And we know how good they are at that!
  • Never forget it was the British Army's plan to collapse back to Dunkirk and fuck off home pronto. If you're not there the Germans can't beat you.
  • (addressing the same audience member who admitted to being a police officer)The British police are the finest police in the world aren't ya? Yeah you are. No, you fuckin' are! Have some pride in yourself!
  • When a French man is in trouble, he doesn't do what you or I would do, does he? No, when a French man is in trouble, he does something very strange. He doesn't shout "Help", the international word for "Help", coming from the English word "Help", meaning "Help"...Used in times of stress requiring "Help".

Al Murray: Miscellaneous

  • Here's a word about fashion.. In every pack of foxhounds, chasing a fox, there's one dog, one hound at the back of the pack, with no sense of smell at all. He can't smell that fox, can he? He doesn't even know there is a fox. All he's doing is following assholes. And that, is all you need to know about fashion.

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