Alan King (December 26, 1927 – May 9, 2004) was an American comedian known for his biting wit and often angry humorous rants. King became well-known as a Jewish comedian and satirist. He appeared in a number of movies and television shows. King wrote several books, produced films, and appeared in plays. In later years, he helped many philanthropic causes and was president of the Broadway Lodge of B'nai B'rith.
- Why is everybody carrying on about Woolworth's? Have you ever eaten at the counter at Woolworth's? If you wanted to sit in the Colony Club, I could understand.
- King on lunch counter sit-ins during the 1960s
- The banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly bank. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
- My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
- Because no one could make the announcement 'Miss Garland will not appear tonight' better than I could.
- King on why he opened for Judy Garland
- Modesty is not one of my virtues.
- Queen Elizabeth II: "How do you do, Mr. King?"
Alan King: "How do you do, Mrs. Queen?"
- It even cleared out your nostrils, your sinuses, and the wax in your ears."
- King on his mother's enemas
- As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
- There's gotta be a better way for a nice Jewish boy to make a living.
- King on boxing
- The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life."
- They have a sign out front, it says 'Ample Parking.' 'Ample Parking' means that the lot is owned by Irving Ample, and he's the only one that can park there.
- Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that "I want to convert." Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: "Better one of them should die than one of us."
- You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.