All in the Family

From Quotes
Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale.
William Shakespeare
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All in the Family (1971-1979)

Theme song

Archie (Carroll O'Connor) and Edith (Jean Stapleton) signing during the opening credits of every show:
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played. Songs that made the hit parade.
Guys like us, we had it made. Those were the days.
And you knew who you were then, girls were girls and men were men.
Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.
Didn't need no welfare state. Everybody pulled his weight.
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great. Those were the days.

Quotes heard from the various characters in several episodes, mostly by Archie

Archie saying to Mike: "You are a meathead!! A meathead, dead-from-neck-up. Meathead!" and "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one stupid Polock!"
Archie saying to anyone: "Get away from me, you!" and "Don't breathe on me."
Archie: "It says so right there in the Bible, Meathead. 'In pain shall youse give birth.'" To what Mike said: "God said 'youse'?"
Archie saying:: "I gotta consecrate myself on this here newspaper."
Archie saying to Edith:: "Stifle yourself!"
Archie saying to Gloria:: "People living in communes are com-mu-nists."
Archie to Edith:: "Listen Edith, I know you're singing, you know you're singing, but the neighbors may think I'm torturing you."
Archie:: "Look, Archie Bunker ain't bigoted! I'm always the first to say, "It ain't your fault you're colored!""
Archie to anyone:: "Shut up, you!" and "Button your face!"
Archie to Gloria:: "Ever since you were little, people kept asking me what kind of man should marry my daughter. I always said that it doesn't matter, so long as he loves her...and he's white."
Archie to Mike:: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one stupid Polock!"
Archie to Edith:: "(affectionately) You're a pip, you know that? A real pip."
Archie to anyone:: "Dummy up!" and "Clam up, you!"
Edith to Archie: "No! I don't want to go to Florida! I don't want to go anywhere! And if you want to make a phone call, you write it yourself! (Edith drops phone purposely)"
Edith to Gloria: "I got a lump in my breast."
Gloria to Edith: "What did you say?"
Edith to Gloria: "I got a lump."
Gloria, making Edith feel better: "Oh."
Archie: "Give me something to take a taste out of my mouth. (tastes coffee) What did you make, an instant coffee?"
Edith: "No, it's fresh perk."
Archie: "Well, it tastes like instant."
Edith: "It's fresh perk though."
Archie: "OK, it's fresh perk, but it tastes like instant."
Edith: "I heard you, but it's fresh perk."
Archie: "I had said it was fresh perk."
Archie to Mike:: "Listen. Anybody gives my grandson a Polock crack, and I'll give him one of these right across the kisser. I'm so tired of people running down other people's culture. Now, your Irish micks...your Irish micks are real big on that. That's why the Mafia came up with that word, to take heat off of the dagos."
"Why should a man wotk hard his whole life if he is just going to come up equal?"-Archie Bunker in reference to equality.

Archie Bunker (on why "Goddam" is not a curse word): "You got God, right? The most powerful bein' in the universe, and a dam, that's a thing that holds back water, right? So!...If God were to make a dam, it would be the greatest dam in the entire universe! Thus, a "Goddam"! There ya go!

Archie Bunker (studying a sample voting ballot sent to his home): O'Grady, Goldberg, Giovanni, Johnson?... You got a Mick, a Hebe, a Wop, and an ordinary American!... That's what I'd call a balanced ticket!

Archie Bunker: So youse tellin' me Frank does all the cookin'?
Irene Lorenzo: Yeah, so?
Archie Bunker: So, aren't ya worried 'bout what people might think?
Irene Lorenzo: What, that I'm a bad cook?
Archie Bunker: No, that yer husband's a fag!