American Pie (film)
Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us.Thomas L. Holdcroft
- I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
- Mom? Shit-break?
- Sherman, What the fuck are you doing here?
- I am The Sherminator. I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady.
- Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
- Kevin: You want to take this one?
- Oz: Like warm apple pie.
- Jim: Yeah?
- Oz: Yeah.
- Jim: Apple pie, huh?
- Oz: Uh huh.
- Jim: McDonald's or homemade?
- Oz: [On being sensitive] All you got to do is to ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
- Stifler: I dunno man, sounds like a lot of work!
- Jim's Dad: [talking about masturbation] It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Jim: Right.
- Jim's Dad: It's not a game.
- Jim: No.
- Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. You want a partner, don't you, son?
- Jim: Oh yeah, Dad. I want a partner.
- Jim's Dad: Good. Good. That's very good.
- Finch: You have anything to drink?
- Stifler's Mom: I believe the kegs are upstairs.
- Finch: That is what the cretins drink. I'm talking about alcohol, liquor...the good stuff.
- Stifler's Mom: I've got some scotch.
- Finch: Single malt?
- Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.
- Michelle: Oh! And this one time... at band camp... I stuck a flute in my pussy!
- Jim: [taking a drink then realizes what she said and spits it out] Excuse me?
- Michelle: What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed. So are we gonna screw soon, 'cuz I'm getting kind of antsy!
- Kevin: Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale?
- Stifler: Fuck You!
- Stifler: There's gonna be hot eastern european chick, naked in your house and you're not gonna do anything about it?
- Jim: What am I supposed to do, broadcast it over the internet?
- Stifler: Yeah!
- Kevin: You can do that?
- Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
- Vicky: I've never tried it.
- Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?
- There's something about your first piece.
- Fill that sticky hole!
- Come again!
- Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie.
- Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
- Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
- Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
- Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty
- Shannon Elizabeth - Nadia
- Tara Reid - Vicky Lathum
- Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
- Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
- Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad
- Natasha Lyonne - Jessica
- Mena Suvari - Heather
- Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom
- Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman