Life is an uphill business for the guy who's not on the level.John Welsh
- Written and directed by Woody Allen.
- There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
- I hope to become the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to, say, the distinguished gray, unless I'm neither of those two. Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism.
- I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
- You know, even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
- Man in Theatre Line: It just so happens I teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media and Culture." So I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity!
- Alvy Singer: Oh, do ya? Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here, so, so, yeah, just let me... [pulls McLuhan out from behind a nearby poster]... Come over here for a second... tell him!
- Marshall McLuhan: I heard what you were saying! You know nothing of my work!...How you got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing!
- Alvy Singer: Boy, if life were only like this!
- Alvy: I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.
- Robin: Commentary.
- Alvy: Oh, really? I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.
- Alvy: It's all mental masturbation.
- Annie: Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about.
- Alvy: Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Annie: [about California] It's so clean out here.
- Alvy: That's because they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen - Alvy Singer
- Diane Keaton - Annie Hall
- Carol Kane - Allison
- Tony Roberts - Rob
- Paul Simon - Tony Lacey
- Shelley Duvall - Pam
- Janet Margolin - Robin
- Colleen Dewhurst - Mrs. Hall
- Christopher Walken - Duane Hall
- Joan Neuman - Mrs. Singer
- Dick Cavett - Himself
- Jeff Goldblum - Lacey Party Guest
- Beverly D'Angelo - Actress in Rob's TV Show
- Sigourney Weaver - Alvy's Date Outside Theatre