Aqua Teen Hunger Force

From Quotes
Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.
Merle Shan
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Aqua Teen Hunger Force (December 2000 – present) is an animated television series from the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming block. The show follows the exploits of three anthropomorphic fast food items: Master Shake, the milkshake; Frylock, the carton of French fries; and Meatwad, the aptly named wad of meat.

Season 1


Dr. Weird: Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare!
Steve: Uh, Dr. Weird —
Dr. Weird: Behold...
Steve: I thought that grant was for somewhat to cure diseases, and ….
Dr. Weird: The grant?! What is that?!
Steve: Dyuhhh ….
Dr. Weird: Shut up! Behold! The Rabbot! [The door lifts up and reveals Dr. Weird's monstrous fifty-foot Rabbot]
Steve: But, Dr. Weird —
Dr. Weird: Now bring me my large French perfume and spray him in the eyes, because that's how it happened to me! [The Rabbot's face is sprayed with a giant bottle of French perfume] Now you feel pretty, don't you? Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [The Rabbot hops out the door and toward the lab wall] The Rabbot! My creation! [The Rabbot smashes through the lab wall and Steve jumps out from behind his hiding spot behind the desk.]
Dr. Weird: What has science doooooooone?
[The Rabbot hops down the street and proceeds to jump on top of Carl's car, effectively destroying it.]

Master Shake: Good morning, Carl. How's it goin'?
Carl: Oh yeah, good mornin' to you there Mr. Food Monster, this is how it's goin'. Look at my frickin' car. It is bajesus and back.
Master Shake: ...Have you gotten any estimates?
Carl: Ah, for the friggin'-I just found it this way.
Master Shake: Carl-
Carl: I just walked out here for frickin' sake!
Master Shake: Hey Carl, its okay... it's cool man, I'm a detective. Clear the crime scene and let me think ... meteors did it! That'll be $20.
Frylock: Hey, Carl.
Carl: Great, we got the Fryman up here.
Master Shake: I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here?
Frylock: ... I live here.

Frylock: Man, your car is messed up. How are you going to get to work, Carl?
Carl: I work out of the home.
Master Shake: Frylock, send Carl to work, then we shall solve this mystery and make $20.
Carl:I work out of the home. Do not point that fry thing at me.
Master Shake: Quickly, Carl, the ray is upon you. Where do you work?
Carl: I done told ya, I work out of the home! Now stop with the freak beam!
Master Shake: Send Carl to the home then!
Frylock: To the home!
Carl: Stay out of my pool!! Oh, my hip!
Master Shake: Okay, that'll be $20.
Frylock: So, what now, Shake?
Master Shake: We shall solve the mystery from Carl's pool!
Carl:: Oh no, don't go to my pool.
Master Shake: Going to the bank!

Frylock: I wonder who killed Carl's car ….
Master Shake: A car cannot be 'killed'! It was murdered! By someone who is jealous of Carl's ability to drive. Jealousy is the motivation!

[Meatwad was dancing, just before Master Shake jumps on Meatwad's jam-box and crushes it.]
Master Shake: Dancing is forbidden!

Master Shake: Shut your deformed mouth Meatwad, before I nail it shut!

Master Shake: How did you get back there? That's for salespersons only. I want to get back there. Get me back there!
[Meatwad changes shape into a bridge over the sales counter.]
Meatwad: Here. Take the meat bridge! It's right here!
Master Shake: Meat bridge? No.
[Master Shake smashes a hole in sales counter.]
Meatwad: Fine. Don't take the meat bridge.

Frylock: The scent seems to be coming from that mall
Master Shake: I know!
Meatwad: All right! I want some jeans!
Master Shake: (pushes past him) I'M the one who wants some jeans!

Master Shake: Well, as long as we don't go back to the lab.
Frylock: I need to go back to the lab.
Master Shake: God! That'll take a thousand hours!

Escape From Leprauchpolis

Dr. Weird: Gentlemen! Behold! I have invented this.....
Steve: What is it?
Dr Weird: I dont know. Go stand over there.
Steve: You mean here- (Gets catapulted by a rainbow into the sky)
Dr. Weird: It works! I am one can short of a six pack, wah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

Meatwad: [in the pool for the first time] Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hadn't happened yet.

Meatwad: Look, I have a brain. I just took it out so it wouldn't get wet!
Frylock: Yeah man, he took his brain out. It's cool.

Carl: All right, I'm gonna give this "rainbow" thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am going down to the store and getting a hot-rod magazine. 'Cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there.

Merle: [Upon seeing Master Shake and Meatwad] What in the hell is that? You know this whole plan is just attracting a bunch of goobers.

Merle: Seems kinda stupid doing this whole thing for shoes.
Flargan: It's not just for shoes! It's … it's for ….
Merle: It's for what? This Bananarama tape with no case? We really scored big on that one, didn't we buddy?

Meatwad: He told me to get in the freezer cause there was a carnival in there. There wasn't no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got bunched up against that chicken.

Master Shake: Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there.
Meatwad: Look, a Bananarama tape!
Master Shake: That's mine! Drop it where you are!

Meatwad: You don't need a machine to make a rainbow, for rainbows are made of happy thoughts, and dreams, and chocolate unicorns, and gumdrops, and licorice sunsets, and fuzzy gumdrop bears, in sugar-covered chocolate gumdrop land.

Meatwad: All right! The real rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all!
[A rainbow rips Carl's house off its foundation and flings it through the air.]
Master Shake: Wow!
Carl: Oooooooh, good!
Meatwad: Well, I gotta go…See ya later…

Bus of the Undead

Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, behold: Mothmonst- (Mothmonsterman flies off) Oh no! Mothmonsterman, no! Come back!
Steve: He has escaped.
Dr. Weird: Yes, through the hole. [slips and falls] My banana!

Mothmonsterman: "Oh, hey, where you guys been?"
Master Shake: "Memphis"

Master Shake: Get the door, Meatwad. It's Dracula.

Meatwad: Good morning Carl!
Carl: Yeah it is a good morning there little man... it's three in the morning!

Carl: Look, all I know is that this cord here was plugged into my house, and your house was glowin' like the frickin' sun! So I put two and two together there hey, and decided that you're pissin' me off.
Master Shake: We are truly sorry Carl, and it will probably never happen again. Can we have our cord back?
Carl: No, no there. I'm just gonna keep it there, since it's uh, mine anyways.

Master Shake: What do you want from me?
Mothmonsterman: I want the light turned back on.
Master Shake: I don't have the blood you crave!

Mothmonsterman: I just laid a thousand of my eggs inside his esophagus. You know, I need to propagate my species and, he's being a baby about it.

Mothmonsterman: Why did you throw molding at me?

Frylock: I'm not detecting any vampiric activity. Besides, it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
Master Shake: He's a- he's a reverse vampire. They crave the sun.
Frylock: Oh really?
Master Shake: Y-yeah! They love it! They love to get tans!
Frylock: ...No kidding. Where're they from?
Master Shake: I'll's a-...<pause> Tansylvania.
Frylock: Oh, oh no. Nooo way in the world...
Master Shake: It's true! I've actually written a lot about it, and-


Frylock: Grab my potatoes Carl!

Carl: Ohh, sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard. But it's stayin' still. Still waters run deep!

Frylock: Ooh. Damn! What dimension was that? Carl, your hands!
Carl: Yeah, I know, I see 'em; they're very big. Well, it was fun. I'm gonna go take a nap now and then I think I'm gonna call, uh, some hospitals.

Shake: The real spaghetti got wet when I was boiling it so… it’s in the dryer!
Meatwad:Why didn’t you say so! It's probably dry by now, so let's go get it. [saying as he gets into the dryer] Now remember, I like it spicy!
Shake: Ha ha ha! So stupid!
Meatwad: Hey, wait a second! Why's it spinnin'?

Meatwad: Shake, where is my popsicle?
Shake: Please, what is it?
Meatwad: I require a popsicle every 15 minutes! You obviously did not read the memo!
Shake: This is your memo? (holds up a crude drawing)I don't even know what this is!
Meatwad: You sicken me with your lies.

Meatwad: You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup too, or your fate is sealed.

Meatwad: Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt.

Master Shake: Will this hurt 'im [Meatwad]?
Frylock: It shouldn't.
Master Shake: Then why are we doing it?

Frylock: Go destroy Balloonenstein!
Meatwad: Do what now?
Frylock: Pop the balloon with the glass!
Meatwad: Yeah, yeah okay [long pause] Do what now?
Frylock: Pop him with the glass! The glass in your head!
Meatwad: Yeah, yeah I know. I don't yell at me [pause] Do what now?

Frylock: Dammit he needs his brain. Otherwise he 'just gonna float around forever saying "Do what now?"!
Meatwad: Do what now?

Meatwad: *now a 50 foot meatball* Where are my popsicles?
Frylock: Damn!
Master Shake: Is that you God?
Meatwad: Frylock, get away from the pool.
Frylock: Aw hell...*moves away from the pool*
Meatwad: *leaps into the air* Can Opener!

Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto

Oglethorpe: What do you know of fire? You prance around like you have laser eyes. You don't!

Oglethorpe: I have an amazing plan to betray our new friend … hah-hah-hah!
Emory: I thought the plan was to barbecue with him.
Oglethorpe: Plans are for fools! When he gets here, we melt him … and laugh … on into the night!

Oglethorpe: Do you see how my mind works? It's like a laser!

Oglethorpe: Why don't you shut up and let me do what I want for a change?

Oglethorpe: We are on a top secret mission of world domination!
Frylock: World domination? You guys couldn't take over a damn bowl of Jell-O!
Emory: Hey, is that, like, an important place or something?
Oglethorpe: [threateningly] Where is it?

Oglethorpe: You might be interested to know that we are just about to destroy your planet!
Master Shake: Oh, go ahead, I'm not there, ah, it's fine.

Frylock: You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad!
Meatwad: Look, I know that. You gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street?
Carl: (banging on the Aqua Teen's door) Open this damn door now!
Meatwad: Oh, is he mad? Don't open it.
Carl: I heard that!

Oglethorpe: Emory, the melon's on fire!
Emory: Of course it's on fire, it's not meant to be cooked.

Oglethorpe: Hey, hey, what is with all this interrogation? Let's toss the frisbee...over there...WHERE WE WILL MELT YOU INTO FLUID! [begins stomping on the frisbee]

[Frylock realizes that the Plutonians are complete idiots and wants to leave.]
Frylock: Okay, look, which one of these buttons beams me out of here?
Oglethorpe: Those buttons are red! You'll destroy us all!
[Frylock pushes a button. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling and music plays.]
Emory: All right, party time!
Oglethorpe: Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking!
[Frylock pushes another button. Shake appears on the ship.]
Shake: Hey, happy birthday! Hey, who's the lucky boy?
Frylock: Shake, how did you get in this beam?
Shake: Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do.

Shake: This whole ship's a bunch of buttons! And I'm done with this Redbook, I was done with it the minute I saw it. And I'm hungry!

Frylock: Uh, Shake...
Shake: What do you want?
Frylock: Carl is here...
Shake: How did you get this--I'm not here!
[At the Aqua Teens' house, Frylock, Carl, and Meatwad are watching Shake on the computer.]
Carl: Oh, you're not there?
Shake: Hello, Carl.
Carl: Hey, buddy, how ya doin' there? Pizza Land, huh? That's lots of fun. Hey, uh, I wanted to let you know that YOU BURNED MY FREAKIN' HOUSE DOWN!

[The Plutonians have put Shake in the melting chamber]
Emory: Why isn't he melting? I mean, the beam's supposed to be on.
Oglethorpe: Well it's not. I'm looking right at it and it's not on.
Emory: Maybe we need the remote.
Oglethorpe: Well maybe you shouldn't have run the melter through the VCR, Scheiskopf!
Emory: Well, maybe it's 'cause you said "I want all meltings to be taped", even though you never watch 'em!


[Shake has asked for a new virtual environment. He appears in what appears to be a live-action park. He finds himself next to a horse.]
Female Computer Voice: Welcome to this horse's anus.

[Shake accidentally fires off an escape pod holding the Plutonians' remote control]
Oglethorpe: What in the hell was that?
Emory: The escape pod.
Oglethorpe: Damn it!

Emory: You really think we need to blow up their planet?
Oglethorpe: Is that what I said, blow it up? Let's blow it up!

Meatwad: [After Carl's house has burned down] Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug?
Carl: What's the freakin' point Meatman?
Meatwad: So you can gimme some money.

Shake: Shake to ship! I'm still not seeing it!
Oglethorpe: Oh, you can't see it? Well, let me turn on the light for you!
[The ship flies away, sending Shake spinning to Earth.]
Shake: Wait!
Oglethorpe: Jackass!

[Carl is holding a tire iron.]
Carl: Hey, buddy!
Shake: Hey, Carl! Hey! Lawn looks great!
Carl: Likin' it?
Shake: Why's your house all curled up?
Carl: I don't know, I was hoping maybe we could have a little dialogue about that.
Shake: Hey, that's a nice tire iron, Carl. Is that yours?
Carl: Yeah, let me get in there and show you the finish on it. Up close.
[Carl gets in the pod. The door closes.]
Carl: Taste the chrome!
[Carl proceeds to brutalize Shake. The pod falls over.]

Ol' Drippy

Frylock: You ever hear of a refrigerator, or a frickin' trash can?!
Master Shake: No.

Frylock: You got three raw chickens in here on the floor! A dog wouldn't even take a crap in here!

Master Shake: Look, just take the hose and lightly spray everything out the back door.
Frylock: No, no MY ASS YOU WILL!
Master Shake: Drape a tarp over it.
Frylock: Oh no you're not! You're gonna go to the damn store and get some cleaning supplies!
Meatwad: What's goin' on?
Master Shake: Look at this mess! Did you do this? [long pause] Fine, I'll go. But it's my decision to do this, I declare it.

Master Shake: Oh yeah, he's nice now, but don't come looking for me when he's burying your bodies out in the desert.

Meatwad: This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewy, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married.

Frylock: Shake, what're you doing with that gutter?
Master Shake: What're you doin' with that beard, huh? Answer that, scientist!

Master Shake: My telescope! You've ruined it! How will I ever see the stars again?
Meatwad: This ain't no telescope, it's Dewey. He's an engineer, and he works on the Supertrain.
Master Shake: He does what?! You've got mental problems. [Hits Meatwad repeatedly with gutter] Taste the chrome!
Ol' Drippy: [walking it with the "doll"] What's it taste like?
Master Shake: Your mother's... [sees Ol' Drippy for the first time] AAAHHHH, MONSTER!!!

Carl: Did you see a woman in a bikini with a six-pack of beer and a surfboard come in here?
Frylock: Was it made of cardboard, used to be up at the liquor store?
Carl: Uhh... no.

Master Shake: Frylock, a cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton is fruit and cake!

Carl: Ohhh, she smells like dead mushrooms and cheeseburger meat.

Ol' Drippy: Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that.

[Frylock has suggested that Shake be "polite"; Shake intentionally knocks Ol' Drippy's latte out of his "hand".]
Shake: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to knock that out of your hand, how inconsiderate of me! There, was that polite enough for you, Frylock?!

Frylock: Shake, what is wrong with you?
Master Shake: What's wrong with you? Hey, why don't you go kiss your new best friend, you love him so damn much! I'm the one who cleaned the kitchen. I'm the authority!
Carl: [at the door] Someone wanna tell me why my pool is full of hotdog chunks and dirty dishes?
Master Shake: Oh Carl, you didn't mess with it did ya? Cause it's gotta set up for a couple days with the battery.
Carl: The battery?
Master Shake: Yeah, you know, the one from your car. I dumped some shampoo in there too, but it's dog shampoo so I dunno if it's gonna work, but were prayin' like hell that it does.
Carl: No, no, no, I understand, I understand. I'm just gonna go, I'll be back in a few. You uh, you think that the gun store is still open?
Ol' Drippy: Carl, please, I'll take care of the mess. He means well, he's just a little... well, I'd better not say.
Master Shake: What? I'm a little what?
Carl: Thank you, Drippy. You are very well-mannered and very nice. [To Master Shake] And you oughta take lessons from him.

Ol' Drippy: Here, Shake, eat my head.
Master Shake: Here, kiss my ass.

Meatwad: Where are you going, Drippy? I love you.
Ol' Drippy: I'm going away for a while, Meatwad, and I may never come back, but I'll always be right here inside.
Master Shake: Yeah, in my stomach, baby.
Ol' Drippy: Close your eyes, Meatwad. [Master Shake takes a big bite out of Ol' Drippy] AAH!
Master Shake: Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma.

Master Shake: Then let us fast-forward... to the power of x!

MC P. Pants

Shake: I like beatings, I'll beat ya all day!

Frylock: [listening to Bach] Yea, now that's a kickin' glissando.

Carl: Hey, which one of you guys has been playin' "I Like Candy," for a frickin' week!
Frylock: It was your other neighbor.
Shake: Meatwad.
Carl: You know what? At this point it don't matter, 'cause it keeps runnin' inside my head and it won't leave unless I blow it out, with a bullet!

Carl: I like candy, bubblegum and ta- DAMMIT!!

Frylock: Shake, did you hear this lyric? About drilling a hole straight to hell, and releasing demons to create a global diet pill pyramid scheme?!
Master Shake: Eh, I don't know. All that rap is is clicks and whistles.

Carl: Look, Meatman, what are you doing trick-or-treatin'? It's frickin May.
Meatwad: Look, I need candy. Now, are you going to give me some, or are you going to use some teeth?
Carl: I know, I've only heard your little song a thousand times! Now I want candy and I don't know why.
Meatwad: Shhh...I don't listen to that kiddie crap any more, I'm check'n the adult jams now, see, check it. MC Pee Pants don't just want candy now, that's childish, he needs it. And when you need something that's a responsibility, that only only an adult...of my maturity...bunnies!
Carl: Yeah, I got a deal at the dumpster, I mean warehouse. Yeah, you might want to wipe the juice off them.

Frylock: You know Meatwad and Carl have been hanging out quite a bit lately.
Shake: What, you want 'em to stop? (yelling out the front door) Rape, rape, oh rape!
Frylock: No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, but don't think it's a little bit weird that they started washing the car at midnight... and they're still doing it?
Shake: Look, people do things, it's a fact.

Carl: 612 Wharf Avenue? I know where that is, that's the, uh, abandoned warehouse next to Melon Gentlemen's Club.

Frylock: You're all the things that are in this ad: you're energetic, hard-working, you like people—
MC Pee Pants: No, I love the liquid inside people. How many times I gotta tell you this, man? I'm insane! I eat people-juice. No one's gonna hire a people-juice eater!

Satan: We listen to speed metal.

Shake: I should not walk so a child may live. [pause] That's what it does.

Carl: Why aren't your lips moving?
MC Pee Pants: Look my shniggys, I had a strizzoke in my brizzain, ok? You know what I'm sayin? So I can't move all good. Thanks for bringing that up, thank you very much!

Dumber Dolls

Frylock: The Highlander was just a movie. I mean...
Master Shake: Oh, Frylock. The Highlander was a documentary, and the events happened in real time.

Frylock: Are you done? Because that took forever!
Master Shake: I... uh, well, I am forever… I am immortal! (jumps off a cliff)
Frylock: Shake, no!
Master Shake: (hanging on to a branch on the cliffside) Uh, guys, I'm not immortal here, okay? I think that the branch will hold for IT'S NOT HOLDING! (branch suddenly breaks and he falls)

Happy Time Harry: No, I don't come with a firearm, but I got these: Action Bills!
Meatwad: Those sound like fun.. uh.. let's go swimmin' that oughta cheer you up!
Happy Time Harry: Oh yeah, swimmin' sounds like a really fun idea. Why don't you go swimmin'? I'm gonna take a nap. And get me up at midnight cause I gotta go to work!

Happy Time Harry: Hi, I'm Happy Time Harry…...and if you've got a problem with that, we can go... right now.

Happy Time Harry: You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just cut myself and see how deep I can go before I just…pass out, man.
Jiggle Billy: Well [pause] All right y'all, commence ta jigglin'!

Happy-Time Harry: Go ahead man, let's do this thing.
Master Shake: I told you I'd do it, I'm gonna do it now. Hey Meatwad, look at this! Come to the window! Big time fun.. you know what I mean?
[While Shake is talking, Happy Time Harry pours gasoline over himself.]
Happy-Time Harry: Okay dude, I just did all the prep work, now let's get it on! DO IT!
Master Shake: Well.. shoot... I mean I was just gonna..sort've blow your jaw off with a fire cracker or something.. I wasn't gonna.. I think I need to go pray..

Jiggle-Billy: So. We jigglin or...
Happy-Time Harry: Hey, backwoods retard. Not now. Not ever.
Jiggle-Billy: Ok! Nap-Time! [Continues Jiggling]

[Aqua Teens see that Jiggle-Billy has been decapitated by a self-inflicted gun-shot]

Meatwad: Jiggle-Billy!!
Happy-Time Harry: I had nothin' to do with it man. He did it himself. Because he couldn't stand being with you!
Meatwad: Oh, you see this? Look he's still jigglin'.
Happy-Time Harry: No, that's something else.
Jiggle-Billy Head: Hey partners, I'm still alive! I'm just real depressed...

[Master Shake is on fire on the ground after being struck by lightning]

Meatwad: We grillin' tonight!

Bad Replicant

[Dr. Weird is hanging upside-down.]
Dr. Weird: Gentlemen! Chop off my head with such velocity that my blood will rocket through my neck, and propel my lifeless body, all the way to Phoenix!
Steve: Wow. Uh, what's in Phoenix?
Dr. Weird: Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the ax!

Oglethorpe: Look at [the Earth] out there. Orbiting like it's so cool.

Master Shake: Look at him and tell me there's a God.
Meatwad: He made me in His own image.
Master Shake: Oh, yeah, God's a big meatball, I forgot. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Meatwad: He is.
Master Shake: Does he stink like you do?

Meatwad: Yeah, that's right. And he ain't my best friend, neither. He yells at me and scares me and locks me in the attic, and pours liquid on my head that stink, and freeze me with the fire extinguisher, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember 'cause he shocked me in the head with a car battery. [pause] With a bunch of clamps, and sparks, and ….

Emory: Yeah, hey Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy [Shake]?
Oglethorpe: I'm starting to.
Emory: And how annoying he was.
Oglethorpe: Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines!
Emory: So, uh, what were we gonna do with him?
Ogletorpe: ...We shall use him for the armies ... of the night!
Emory: But I thought the guy down there was going to build an army ... of the night.
Oglethorpe: Different army dorkface! This army will take over the rest of the galaxy! You see how my mind works? It's like a laser!
Shake: You know, I know you from somewere.
Oglethorpe: He must not know who we are. Quick, paint the Mind Room!
Emory: Uh, I'm still not done with the trim on that.

Frylock: Oh, you're ki — Meatwad, it's not polite to stare.
Meatwad: But, look at him.
Major Shake: No, it's okay, I know. I'm totally, hideous.
Meatwad: No i-it's cool, I was just wondering if that jam-box worked, you know. Shake threw mine in a cobra cage, and dared me to go get it, and that's why I'm all puffy back here.

Oglethorpe: Oh, well son of a … imprison him within the rings!
[Disco light rings come down around Shake.]
Oglethorpe: You'll never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half!
[The phone rings. Shake reaches through the rings to answer it.]
Master Shake: Yelloo?
Oglethorpe: The laser rings!
Master Shake: Look, brother, these ain't nothin but disco lights.
Emory: No, the installer said that they were imprison laser rings, and I, I believed him.
Oglethorpe: Don't listen to him, for he is a witch!

Oglethorpe: Look, look, settle down, can you just maybe try and replicate some other people, and get an army going and then take over the entire planet.
Emory: Or is that not possible.
Major Shake: Well I don't know, I don't think I can replicate others, was that your plan?
Oglethorpe: Well, one of them. We have many plans.
Major Shake: Well maybe your next plan should be to tell me what the plan is.
Oglethorpe: Look, settle down. It's all cool.
Major Shake: No. No. Look at me dude. I'm a leaky, disgusting, abomination and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Frylock: Did they not see us sitting here?
Major Shake: No, I'm sure it'll come to them.
(On the ship)
Oglethorpe: Oh, damn it!
Emory: What?
Oglethorpe: That was that man, the fry-man!

Meatwad: So, is he like replicating it?
Frylock: No, he's hotwiring it.
Meatwad: Oh, shoot I was hoping I'd learn something. Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock?
Frylock: Yeah it sure is Meatwad...
Meatwad: Like how we all evolved from the ancient dinosaur. I wish I had some of their stuff boy. Like them tail. Them tails that make 'em fly.
Frylock: Shut up, Damn!

Frylock: So, did they, um … ever find your car?
Carl: Oh, they found part of it, you know, hang'n from a tressle near the turnpike. Yeah the cops said he had a … a "straw-like protrusion" and a "cup-like body." You know anybody like 'at?
Frylock: Uh, well, it wasn't Shake, Carl. He was abducted by aliens earlier this afternoon.
Carl: Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course.
Frylock: He was … seriously.
Carl: I hate you!

Emory: So, what are we gonna do with the prisoner?
Oglethorpe: We shall ask the mighty Orbnauticus.
[A disco ball comes down from the ceiling.]
Oglethorpe: Orbnauticus, we seek wisdom. To what evil purpose shall we put our slave to use?


Shake: Meatwad, get in this bag!
Frylock: What?!
Shake: What? I got's a joke, it'a joke, ha ha, don't get in that bag, you little meat.
[cut to Shake and Meatwad in an alley]
Shake: Now you stay in that bag!

Meatwad: So is this where the camp is?
Shake: Yes, now gimme a hug. But, keep the bag on, okay.
Meatwad: Smells like vomit.
Shake: Shut up! The counselor is about the counsel you, and he will send you straight back home and you'll never learn RAM!

Meatwad: Okay Shake, see you in a week.
Shake: Yeah, I'll see you in a week. In hell!

Meatwad: Hey Randy, I don't know what's going on, but can I trade bunks? 'Cause my roommate's...wha- are those his organs?
Randy: Oh that's Inside-Out Boy. His mouth is in his belly, so he's gotta slap at his vocal chords with his bladder in order to make words.
Meatwad: ...I-I-I don't like this camp. Can I go home now?

Carl: Hey, where's Meat Mountain there?
Frylock: You mean Meatwad.
Carl: Oh no, they were callin' 'im Meat Mountain last night.
Shake: Okay, I'm gonna go.
Frylock: You're not going anywhere Shake.
Carl: Yeah, ya gotta come check this out man. Igloo, hot dog, igloo, that bit. But the whole time the stripper's shakin' it in front of 'im.
Frylock: My goodness! Where was this?!
Carl: The warehouse in front of Girls For You, you know, the lingerie modeling place.
Frylock: Uh, no, I don't know Carl.
Carl: Well-ell, twenty bucks, twenty minutes. I'm tellin' ya, one Friday night, you and me Fry-man, blow the lid off the joint! Yeah-heh!
Frylock: I don't think so Carl.
Carl: What, you gay?

Frylock: You sold Meatwad to the circus, didn't you?!
Shake: Every day I buy and sell people like you! But no, I did not do that. But based on what I'm hearing here, someone may have.
Frylock: How much Shake?
Shake: Two.
Frylock: Two? Two what?
Shake: Two dollars. What? What's wrong with that?
[cut to Shake, Frylock, and Carl at the circus, where Shake sees the price of admission]
Shake: Two dollars and fifty cents! Are they out of their minds?!

Carl: Look, I don't work my ass off for twenty hours a week so I can throw my money away, that's wasteful! These bills are strictly for me to kiss...and slip in some stripper's underwear, so come on!

Frylock: Wow, the crowd is really getting off on this.
Carl: Well, that's great. I'm so happy for 'em. Where are the strippers?!

Carl: Yeah, you the supervisor? Where were the strippers?
Randy: Didn't need 'em. Meat Mountain pulls in the crowd all by himself.
Carl: Well you give me back my $2.50, 'cause I ain't payin' for something that happens every day on the hood of my car!

Meatwad: Randy, he [Shake] ain't from space.
Randy: Yeah, I know little guy, cause I'm the prince of Jupiter.
Meatwad: You never told me that.
Randy: See, years ago my dad sent me down here to conquer your species by infiltrating your gene pool, know what I mean? [chuckles] Know what I mean?
Meatwad: No
Randy: Well...when a man and woman love each other...physically...outside of a bar.
Meatwad: Which bar?

Meatwad: Listen to me Randy, it doesn't matter if you're white, or black, or a sasquatch even. As long as you follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch, if you're a sasquatch the rules are different.
Randy: Forget it Meatwad, I'm a circus freak, and that's all I'll ever be.
Meatwad: ...Whatever.

Meatwad: And I'll tell you something else Frylock, I did not see one computer in that whole camp.
Frylock: Yeah, yeah. Say, have you noticed that Indian burial ground that's coming up through our drain again?
Meatwad: Nah, that's Inside-out Boy. He just needs a place to stay for a few days.
Shake: Whoo, I just ate a whole bathtub full of cherry cobbler. It was delicious.
Meatwad: You're joking, right?
Shake: No, I'm not.
Meatwad: ...NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Love Mummy

Shake: Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, people are tryin' to sleep!

[Mummy is yelling in the basement]

Frylock: Shake? [Yelling Continues] Shake! Turn those damn monster movies do- [Notices nobody in the living room] Shake?

[Shake and Meatwad enter living room]

Master Shake: Who's watching my TV? Because I...
Meatwad: I bought the damn TV!
Frylock: Will you two shut up and listen! [Yelling Continues] It sounds like it's coming from the floorboards.
Shake: [Shake beats the floor with a bat] Will you SHUT UP?! It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm trying to sleep! [Frylock knocks out Shake with chloraphorm]
Meatwad: Hey, can I have some of that?
Frylock: Just go to sleep and we'll deal with it in the morning.
Meatwad: Yeah sure, I'll just go to sleep and tommorow morning I'm gonna call me a social worker. [Frylock prepares a dose of chloraphorm] And tell him I'm in unfit living conditions and the city will be over here so fast tha- oh. [Knocked out by chloraphorm]

Carl: I see that you found the Mummy there.
Frylock: You knew about this, Carl?
Carl: Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, You think you're weird? I mean, the guys before you… I don't care what you do behind closed doors, you know? But once you start puttin' mummies in the yard. Where I can see 'em. It becomes my business.
Carl: They don't die neither. You're in it for the long haul, there. Why did you think why your rent was so low there, genius?

Frylock: Shut up and eat your cheese sandwich!

Frylock: You don't want to piss him off. He has the power to curse you.
Meatwad: Do it, Shake. Piss him off.
Shake: I do what I want, when I want, and how I want! And no mummy - you hear me, Band-Aid - NO MUMMY is gonna tell me, what to do!
Mummy: (the room darkens and energy spirals about) Currrrrrrse... Currrrrrrrrrse! CURRRRRRRRRRRSE!!! (falls over, motionless)
Shake: You done? Cuz I'm through liste--
Mummy: (curse restarts) CURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSE!!!
Shake: Cuz I'm through listening to you. I got a curse for you, it's called "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here." I'm going back to bed.
Mummy: Currrrrrse...
Shake: I heard it already! I know! It's a friggin' curse! It's like I'm living with a pack of friggin' animals.
Frylock: Uh, Shake, I think that mummy might have just put a curse on you.
Shake: Oh, gee, you think? 'Cause, you know, he only said it about a thousand times!

Frylock: Wow! Your eyes didn't even blister over!
Shake: Get your hands off me, brother! You've been touching that mummy! You know, I saw you hugging him in the basement.
Frylock: I wasn't hugging him!
Shake: Go hang out with your dead, mummified wife!
Frylock: I…I…I gotta go to my room now.
Shake: Mummy lover!

Meatwad: Why does he get the lobster?
Frylock: It's because he's the mummy, dammit!

Frylock: (reading) "The curse of the mummy is just a figure of speech. Vomiting locusts for a thousand years is just an old wive's tale. The real curse of the mummy is that he is completely socially inept, devoid of all manners, gold-digging, manipulative, and a selfish brat. Don't ever wake him unless you have a lot of time and money on your hands. Thank you for buying Mummies for Dummies.

Carl: [Wearing the Mummy's Hat] I'm the King! King Carl!
Mummy: [Yelling in the Background]
Carl: [Mimicing Egyptian Music] Da da da da daaa, you know I'm your ruler!
Carl: Huh hun huh hee, yeah [Mummy continuing to yell] SHUT UP!

Dumber Days

Meatwad: (levitating a boy in a car with his mind) I need complete concentration or the child will die.

Meatwad: A book?! No sir! Shake says that books is from the devil, and that TV is twice as fast.
Frylock: Twice as fast at what?
Meatwad: Information.

Meatwad: [Reading from "The Tiniest Bullfrog"] Jeremy the Bullfrog lived in a tiny swamp on the edge of town. Every day he would dream of playing professional basketball. But he lived in a swamp, far away from the city lights and a major market team.

Meatwad: Wait a second. This ain't a brain, it's a damn bee's nest.


Dr Weird: (his head has shrunk and speaking in a high pitch voice) GENTLEMEN! TURN IT ON!
Steve: Ok (pushs a button to pump Dr Weird's head)
Dr Weird (head get bigger and bigger) Oww.. TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

Master Shake: Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. Ever.
Meatwad: I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth.
Master Shake: Well I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em.
Meatwad: If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em.

Master Shake: Well, I'm sorry, but if you can't learn that little lesson, then someone's going to get their little mouth stabbed shut with skewers! And then we'll see how easily the axe slices through the meat!
[Meatwad's eyes get big, then he starts bawling.]
Master Shake: All right, OK. Maybe that was a little huge. Listen, I would never hit you with an axe.
[Meatwad's sobs subside as he pauses for a second and looks up at Shake.]
Master Shake: … When you had skewers stabbed through your mouth.
[Meatwad immediately resumes crying.]
Master Shake: I would think one or the other would be enough!

Meatwad: All right! Five point nine percent over APR! You don't get that every day.
Master Shake: Are you kidding? With APR like that I could just die!

Wwwyzzerdd: It's so easy to use, and the surgery to implant it in the base of your skull is so painless, it's no wonder I'm #1!

Wwwyzzerdd: And after this 90-day trial, you will be judged and sentenced to a lifetime of interactive sports, news, and information. And we will continue to draw from your account, because banks don't care. It's not their money.

Wwwyzzerdd: But the skull implant comes in this decorative tin.
Frylock: Decorate this! [Uses eye lasers to blow up pop-up ad for the tin]
Wwwyzzerdd: Ok, ok, ok, ok! Fine! Fine, don't use our service. Get left in the digital dust! But remember, you could have won a Porsche.

Shake: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was the Supreme frickin' Court here!
Meatwad: Neither did I.
Shake: Should I have my lawyer present for my frickin' trial?!
Meatwad: Yeah.

Shake: Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy (pause), and Metallica.

Master Shake: Hey listen, could you get me some chicks that don't have the ZZ Top Lumberjack look? If I wanted to date Sasquatch, I'd call your mother. Ha! Ha!

Master Shake: Is it hot, girl-on-girl action?


Shake: Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger!

Frylock: Look Shake, people usually get a PDA when they have a job, and friends, and a life!
Shake: Look, you, you, you happen to have no idea what I do for a living do you?
Frylock: You're damn right I don't! I saw you boil a hot dog today. Did you get paid for that?!
Shake: Because I don't have access to my scheduling book, because my PDA's gone!

Shake: Wha, oh come on! We're lookin' for my thing, together, we're like buds, it's cool. Hey, you fly. You go, why don't you go check the gutters.
Frylock: But, why would it be up in the gutters, Shake?
Shake: That's where your DVD burner ended up, when it decided not to work.
Frylock: Oh, I damn sure better not find that up there!
Master Shake: Well, that's the last place I remember chucking it.
[Frylock flies to the roof.]
Frylock: [yelling] Hey! Dammit! You did throw my DVD burner up here!

Meatwad: I have some parents, Frylock?
Frylock: Hell no, you don't have any damn parents!

Captain: This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender.

Meatwad: Tar, well, I tell ya if I wanna smell like a shingle, I go get my frisbee and my tanktop and my Captain EO out of the gutter.

Frylock: There ain't nothin' down here but tar and condom wrapper! This is gross!

Captain: All right, and I'm back, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us anymore. I chased them off with my nudity...does that arouse anyone down there, or...
Meatwad: What does that mean?
Frylock: It means that we're gonna get off this boat right now.
Captain: Okay, and we've docked...and I feel a little sexy.
Frylock: Come ON, Shake!
Captain: Who down there wants to meet the captain? And feel sexy with him.
Meatwad: Oooh, I do, I wanna meet the captain!
Frylock: No, you don't.

Shake: Ah, jee whiz! This is the greatest gift I ever got in my life that I never wanted ever!

Romulox: Oh, I didn't see your knock-offs there, nice. Are you goin' for the ironic look, or the look-I-don't-have-any-money look?
Shake: I don't know, which one would you do?

Meatwad: What's wrong with your elbow?
Romulox: Oh, you didn't get that surgery. I'm sorry.
Meatwad: We don't have insurance.
Romulox: Only two people have the easy-flow elbow, and one of them happens to be named Bruce Willis.

Mail Order Bride

Frylock: Santa's coming tonight Meatwad, so I really need your Christmas list—
Meatwad: Here.
Frylock: …and if you've been a good boy this year, you may just get this…this L-shaped thing.
Meatwad: No, see, what that is, is a hair dryer.
Frylock: You want a hair dryer?
Meatwad: Yeah.
Frylock: For what? You don't have any-
Meatwad: Keep reading, next to the hair dryer.
Frylock: This—this is a squiggle.
Meatwad: No, that's hair. You read it backwards, fool. So go get it.

Carl: Oh, man. I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works! When does that babe get here?
Master Shake: Carl, don't refer to her as a "babe", please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute, and you will address her as such.

Carl: Look, just don't cash that check immediately. I wanna make sure that both of us marryin' her is gonna be, you know, legal.
Master Shake: Of course it is! What are you kidding me? Santa Claus ain't legal and he's around.
Carl: Well, I guess that makes sense, you know.

Shake: Look merry, dammit!

Meatwad: Shoo, that sure was a good sleep I had. WHERE ARE THE DAMN PRESENTS?!
Frylock: It's 4:00 in the afternoon Meatwad, that wasn't Santa.
Meatwad: Well, you know, maybe Santa's just gettin' a jump start on things this year. 'Cause, you know, statistics they show that there are more people in the world today. That's China's fault.
Frylock: Where do you get this information?
Meatwad: Regis.

[Carl has broken his neck.]
Carl: Hey, get back here! I think I need some help here!
Master Shake: Yeah, I know you do.
[Shake walks away.]
Carl: You get back here!

[on a ladder]
Carl: Look, would you just hold it.
Shake: I can DO two things at the same time!
Carl: No, ya can't!

Shake: Well, there ain't gonna be no dinner this year.
Frylock: What about your girlfriend. I thought she was gonna cook.
Shake: "Co-fiancee." Let's get it right, please.
Frylock: "Co-"?
Shake: Yeah, you know, I'll split her with Carl. So he's "co-owner."
Frylock: You're depraved.
Shake: Yes, thank you, I think she sees that quality in me.

Carl: Hey fry-man, you think I can get you to come over here and uh, blow a frickin' hole in my wall.
Frylock: What's wrong, Carl?
Carl: Well, for starters, she's barricaded herself inside the house. And every time she talks to me, it's in this, like, language. It's like some demon yelling at me, or something!

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future

Cybernetic Ghost: Now in the future, the past has occurred.

Carl: You're the Ghost of Christmas Past...right?
Cybernetic Ghost: That is correct.
Carl: Okay, well...I mean, you know that it's February...right?
Cybernetic Ghost: [pause] I am a robot.
Carl: Well, you know, obviously. What are you, stupid?
Cybernetic Ghost: [stutters] I will see you in December, tomorrow!
Carl: Okay, whatever there, just lock your door on the way-
Cybernetic Ghost: [breaks through the wall] Do what?
Carl: Nevermind, just leave!

[Flashback to Carl's house on Christmas in the 1960s]
Carl::[opening his present] Oh boy oh boy oh boy I hope this is a new mommy!
Carl's Dad: Yea, its not. Now hurry up and open your present ya little creep, we gotta be at work in an hour.
Carl: What is this, is this carpet daddy?
Carl's Dad: Carpet? No. That's Burba, its an industry term.
Carl: Gee look daddy its a magic flyin' carpet through Egyptland!
Carl's Dad::[Cuts Carl off] Don't get to attached to it there Aladdin, 'cause its about to be magic flyin' dinner.
Carl::[looking worried] Silly daddy, y-you c-can't eat carpet.
Carl's Dad: Hehe, not like that you can't. You gotta boil it, till the glue gets soft.:[looks at his watch] Oh jeez, look at the time!
Carl: But its Christmas daddy!
Carl's Dad: You're not getting out of this one! Put on your work boots and your respirator! I pulled ALOT of strings to get them to hire an 8 year old.
Carl::[Muttering to himself] Don't make me go, don't make me go...
Carl's Dad: C'MON, WE'RE LATE!!!!
[Robot appears and lasers shoot everywhere]

Cybernetic Ghost: And that is where babies come from … for machines.
Meatwad: Boy, that's some story. That...kinda is different from what I been told about people loving each other...and, you know, physics.
Cybernetic Ghost: No! That is very wrong! You cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange.

Carl: (after finding his swimming pool filled with blood) It looks like someone wrung a herd of cows through a juicer or something!

Frylock: Wait, wait...who unionized?
Cybernetic Ghost: Wouldn't you like to know? Probably yo mamma.

Meatwad: Man, it makes me sad they had to open their gifts in front of an ape and they were all made out of doodoo. What kinda Christmas is that?!
Frylock: It's okay Meatwad. This is all a bunch of bull.
Cybernetic Ghost: You don't believe?
Frylock: Believe what? That you're a ghost and Santa Claus is an ape? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever-
Cybernetic Ghost: Was an ape. Now he is a machine!
Meatwad: I left cookies and a glass of milk FOR A MACHINE?!!
Cybernetic Ghost: No man, he's an ape [They look at him questioningly] I mean, wait he is a machine! You were trying to mess me up on purpose!

Frylock: But I thought everyone back then was undeveloped? Couldn't make machines with their crinkled hands.
Cybernetic Ghost: Well the elves came from the red planet, and there was much defecation.
Frylock: Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. How long ago did you say this was?
Cybernetic Ghost: [Fog rolls in] Thousands of years ago-
Frylock: Oh shut up! You still haven't explained why the pool is filled with elf blood!
Cybernetic Ghost: I told you earlier, it was the Great Circuiting.
Frylock: You didn't mention no "Great Circuiting".
Cybernetic Ghost: Oh, I didn't? [pause] Thousands of years ago...

Master Shake: I hate to be a buzz kill, but he said that your house is on elf graves and they're pissed off.
Carl: All right, fine, we'll do that.
Meatwad: And the blood's just gonna keep flowing, unless ….
Cybernetic Ghost: Unless Carl pays tribute to the Elfin Elders in space.
Carl: I'll do it. What do I do?
Cybernetic Ghost: You must give of yourself to the Great Red Ape.
Carl: Okay … how much?
Cybernetic Ghost: Sexually.
Carl: … wonderful.

Carl: What did you say your name was again?
Glenn Danzig: Danzig, mother fucker! I got a question: can you make the blood flow up the walls?
Cybernetic Ghost: I don't see why not.
Carl: That's elf blood, too. That ain't cheap--
Glenn Danzig: How much you want?
Carl: Oh, I dunno … a million?
Glenn Danzig: Killer. Draft the check tomorrow.
Carl: You're serio--thank you God!

Glenn Danzig: Now look, you listen to me as hard as you fucking can. That fucking robot came with the fucking house, and now he's fucking gone! If you see that mother--
Master Shake: Oh, don't worry, we'll tell you!
Glenn Danzig: You fucking better. If I find out he's over here, I'm gonna be eating my cereal out of the bottom of your fucking skull! Verstandlich?!!

Cybernetic Ghost: (about Danzig) I cannot stand that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt.
Master Shake: You make our house bleed right now!

Season 2

Super Birthday Snake

Frylock: Meatwad, can you hear me?
Meatwad [slurred]: You give me another beer. I'm 21!
Frylock: Oh, great, he's drunk!
Meatwad: I'm not drunk! You're the drunk one! Are you gonna do somethin' about it?
Master Shake: Yeah, I'll do something about it. How about THAT? [kicks Meatwad]
Meatwad: Ow!
Master Shake: You like that?
Meatwad: Do that to my face! What, you scared? [gets kicked] Ow! You did it again!
[Meatwad is repeatedly kicked until the snake faces Shake]
Meatwad: You son of a bitch!
Master Shake: This is stupid. Let's kick him out of here. [kicks Meatwad a couple more times, then turns to the snake] What are you looking at?

Meatwad: Frylock, please. That was a computer simulation program. And it proved to me that you don't know what I like and what I like to do. And that is to tell you what to do. And you need to listen to what I say 'cause I'm gonna eat your brains!

Meatwad: You killed us! I told you not to do it and you did it… anyways.
Frylock: No, I didn't!
Master Shake: Yes, you did.
Carl: You so frickin' did!

Carl: Yeah, I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now, but…you let go, okay. Thank you. If you need anything, you know who to look to: Someone else.
Frylock: If only we wouldn't have gotten him that pet.
Carl: Don't beat yourself up over it. There's nothing you could do about this. I mean, it kinda was your fault but hey, screw it. They're dead and you're not.

[Carl is at Frylock's door]
Carl: Here. It's a Fruit Roll-Up. I was gonna make ya a tuna casserole for your loss, but... but uh... I didn't.
Frylock: Mmm, thanks.
Carl: I was gonna yell my brains out at ya, but because of your loss, I might just gently ask: What happened last night with all the noise?
Frylock: Uh, Carl, Carl. Why don't you get outta my face before I carve you up like a Christmas goose. You wanna taste of what I did to that snake? 'Cause I'll give to you.
Carl: Fryman. Lay in. You've changed [Frylock stabs Carl]
Frylock: Ah, for the better?
[Frylock dumps Carl's body in a dumpster]
Frylock: There goes the neighborhood.

Super Hero

Shake: He wanted me to give you these cell phones. They link you directly to the man himself.
Frylock: He's giving us a cell phone?
Meatwad: There's no text messaging. This a suck phone.

Frylock: Wow, you know that's really, amazingly lame.

Shake: [Answering phone] Drizzle here.
Meatwad: Hello, yes Drizzle. Violent criminals have put...Fat Albert, what, what it's...
Frylock: No, no, it's Prince Albert.
Meatwad: Oh, have put...Fat Albert in a can, in your can.
Shake: I'll need precise coordinates maam.
Meatwad: Oh okay, it''s in your butt, boy! [snickering] It's in your butt! Did you hear me? It's in your butt.
Shake: Pranksters! Sons of-

Frylock: Shake, the printer called and said that The Drizzle's stationary and business cards are ready. But they're concerned what with the paper being black and the ink being black.
Shake: Everything must be black, like the Storm of Justice!
Frylock: Well maybe you'd better talk to them. [Holding a bouncing eye contraption] And this is blocking up the hallway.
Shake: The Eye of Justice. The Drizzle is lost without it.

Meatwad: Howdy villains, I'm Mr. Mister. Watch your back crime. When I get pissed, you get mist.

Shake: You can expect a forecast of vengeance in the near future.

Shake: I'm not asking you if people will be able to write on it, I'm telling you I want black on black!

Frylock: [Bringing in a package] This just came for The Drizzle.
Shake: Who's The Drizzle?
Frylock: Well, we don't know that, do we? But he owes me 40 bucks for this C.O.D.

Frylock: Where are you going?
Shake: I'm going to let The Fume know that he needs to let the rest of the world know that he exists.

[Later that evening]

TV Announcer: Downtown is in flames tonight as a mysterious arsonist...
Frylock: Ah no, Shake. You messed up this time.

Meatwad: I'm calling Japan.
Meatwad: Hello, Japan?
Shake: NO!!
Meatwad: Yes, connect me to Godzilla, please.
Shake: [takes phone away] YOU DON'T GET ONE! I told the Drizzle you'd mess this up! It hasn't been five minutes and you already did!

Super Bowl

Meatwad: Enchiladitos…They make you wanna eato!

Meatwad: Hey Carl.
Carl: Hey, hey, hey, just the man I wanted to see. I done heard through the grape vine that someone won a big prize recently.
Meatwad: Yup, I won two tickets to the Super Ball.
Carl: No, it's, it's bowl. It's cute that you said that 'cause you's a frickin' idiot.

Meatwad: Why do you have those oven mitts on?
Shake: I'm not touching you skin-to-skin! -I mean, it's extra padding, it's for your pleasure
Meatwad: I'm not entirely comfortable with the level of asbestos in these mitts
Shake: Just take deep breaths…breathe it in and die! Give me those tickets!

Meatwad: Yep, Super Bowls are fun. We got braggin' rights this year. Number One.
Shake: Who?
Meatwad: Number One.
Shake: Who's Number One?
Meatwad: I don't know.
Shake: You don't know…because you went to a fucking farm, you fucking imbecile!
[Meatwad leaves.]
Shake: Get back here! You cost me my one chance! I GOT MOTHERFUCKING DIABETES AND CANCER BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!

Carl: (playing football with Meatwad) Okay, so you've got the ball. Now you wanna wrap your..... uhhhh, you know that stretchy little, sticky thing........
Meatwad: (Grabbing the football and pushing it into his face, distorting his features) Like this?
Carl: No.
Meatwad: (With the football sitting on his head, and four "arms" of meat waving around) What about this?
Carl: (frowning) No, not like.... that either..... no....
Meatwad: (With the ball in his mouth) How about this?
Carl: Oh.... whatever. It's........... going right in the trash after this, so...uhhh,... yeah, let 'er rip
Meatwad: (spits out the football)
Carl: Yeah, hooray.... we won! Who are you taking to the super-bowl?

Carl: Okay, time out here. Look, ever since my son was...never conceived since I've never had consensual sex without there being money involved, I've always thought of you as something that I could next accordance with state laws.
Meatwad: That's so sweet. You tryin' to say that you love me.
Carl: Whoah, let's not go too far there.
[Carl puts on a foam "#1" glove.]
Meatwad: Carl, your finger!

Shake: [To Meatwad] Who are you taking?
Carl: Yeah, who are you takin'?
Frylock: Carl? How did you get in here?
Carl: The window, jackass. WHO ARE YOU TAKIN'?!?!?!

Super Model

Meatwad: Boy, sure is nice not havin' Shake around.
Frylock: Yeah, it is odd that he'd go down to Guatemala and be missionary. In fact, it's not true.
Meatwad: Look here, he can be down on a prom date with Santa Claus on the moon for all I care. 'Point is, I can do whatever I want with my toys.
Frylock: Put up your toys.
Meatwad: Shut up.

Meatwad: Look here, you want your blue jean ad?
Master Shake: More than anything.
Frylock: A "blue jean ad?!" Look Shake, alotta times the media tries to present an image that isn't exactly true to life. I mean, you understand what I'm sayin', right?
Master Shake: No, I do, I do. I understand that some people, Meatwad, don't look good, and that they should hide from the cameras at all costs. It's the beautiful people that are the smart ones, and it's that very same smartness that makes them rich.
Frlock: Shake, people are different all over. I mean, it's not how you look on the outside, it's what inside that counts.
Master Shake: Thank you dad. I get the message. Is that what you're tryin' ta tell 69SoFine?
Frylock: You read my e-mail?!
Master Shake: You think she gets that you're a fireman yet?
Frylock: ...Well, screw you!
Master Shake: Oh, good one. Never heard that one before. Boy do I feel burned.

Meatwad: [to a convalescent Shake] Whoa little piggy! Have some self control. You know nothin' grosses me out more than fat people…like you.
Shake: I'm fat?
Meatwad: As hell! Have you seen yourself? I would not eat any more…'less you gonna get rid of it, you know what I mean?
Shake: What do you mean?
Meatwad: I'm not talkin' 'bout digestion. I'm talkin' 'bout this [mimes sticking his finger down his throat]
Frylock: Meatwad, no!

[Master Shake and Meatwad go to Carl for a plastic surgeon]
Meatwad: We callin' in da pros now. Is your buddy out of prison yet?
Carl: Which one, 'cause there's three.
Meatwad: Oh, you know which one. The guy that was in the hotel with the people...and the welding.
Carl: Oh Terry, yeah, yeah, he's out, but uh part of his parole is he's not supposed ta, you know do what he was doin' flesh.
Master Shake: We need him, otherwise people are gonna look at me and wonder what could have been.
Carl: All right, whatever. We'll meet at the docks at midnight. I get a 10% finder's fee. You never saw me.
Master Shake: Fine, but I'll need a receipt, 'cause this is a business expense.

Meatwad: Whoa! What happened to your butt? It's like a little shelter down here!

Meatwad: Shhh! You hear that? That's the sound of him not being here. You can thank me for that later.

Meatwad: So... your friend does good work, huh?
Carl: Yeah. He mostly does hot rods. Sometimes faces.

Super Spore

Meatwad: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey y'all know what would be fun? If I get in that pool.
Frylock: And how long has it been since lunch?
Meatwad: Well... (Meatwad ponders) Six seconds.
Frylock: And I just saw you eat 40 hot dogs, didn't I?
Meatwad: 40? No, 48.
Frylock: You have to wait twenty minutes Meatwad.
Master Shake: Why don't we let him in now and we'll watch him cramp up and get sucked into the filter and jam it all up

Frylock: Huh... So he's using Shake as his vessel to communicate with us.
Meatwad: Well hell, I figured that out. He done got 90 eyes and no mouth. Where else he gonna talk? Through his butt?
Frylock: Meatwad, he won't have a butt. I mean most aliens recycle their waste for fuel. [Travis starts leaking waste out of his body] Obviously, this one doesn't.

Frylock: He's five dollars, go see a movie

Shake: Motion pictures are ten dollars
Frylock: Okay fine then, here's ten
Shake: But what about popcorn?

Frylock: Shut up, Shake, he's trying to say something!
Master Shake: I'll tell you what he's trying to say: "I need somebody to kick me in the ass so I can get the hell off your land!" That's what you're trying to say, right?

Master Shake: Hey, how ya doing? I think I need to go to the doctor. Cause I've been losing long, long tracks of time now, and... and I'm starting to get just a little freaked out about the fact that my hand is missing. I can't find it.
Frylock: Shake you'll be fine. That hole in your head will heal up in no time.
Master Shake: Hole? Oh thats great. I'm sure it was drilled on one of those days I can't remember.

Travis: I rule you!
Meatwad: Frylock, he says he rules us!
Frylock: That's it mister, time-out for you!
Travis: Oh, damn.
Frylock: What did I just hear you say?
Meatwad: Well I heard him, he said damn, damn it. Only adults like us are allowed to say damn, bitch, ass, and hell. So get your hellin', damnin' ass back in that bitchin' damn room, damn it! [Then sees Frylock staring at him angrily] What? DAMN!! I was just helpin' you out bitch!

Carl: Hey who's your dead friend? He's dead.

[Meatwad, Frylock and Travis start leaving]

Carl: Oh what? You're leavin'? What are you doin' you haven't even finished urinating on all of my house yet.

Super Sir Loin

Sir Loin: Hey! You the little joker that's been sendin' me sand?
Meatwad: Yes
Sir Loin: Man, what's wrong with you? What're you, the Sandman or somethin'? Get it together boy!
Meatwad: But, it's for the Shorties.
Frylock: It's for the EPA is what it's for.
Sir Loin: What? Hey, who's that? You ain't supposed to bring people unless they dead. Is he dead? I don't think so.

Meatwad: If the shorteez can't have food, then I ain't gonna have food. You know what I'm saying? (He throws the sandcakes in the garbage can) I do this for the shorteez, ya'll.
Shake: Yeah, take it to church, dump it in the collection plate. You know, you're the rudest person I know, and that's why you don't live here anymore. I--
(Meatwad takes Shake's breakfast)
Shake: Hey! My steak and eggs!
Frylock: Steak and eggs?!
Meatwad: This is for the shorteez.
Frylock: All I got is a mug of oatmeal!
Shake: Listen, we're on a budget. What do you want me to do?
Meatwad: (taking Frylock's mug) Thank you very much.
Frylock: Hey, damn it! I was going to eat that.
Meatwad: Oh, gee whiz, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you while other people in the world don't got nothin' to eat.
Shake: Thanks for sanding up my eggs. You know what, just take them...when you leave the country. I banish you forevermore!

Shake: Can someone please explain to me what happened to my duckling a l'orange?
Frylock: We had duckling a l'orange?
Shake: You don't even know how to say it, so stop...try it once. No, forget it. You know what? You're gonna try it and then you're gonna screw the name up, and then it's gonna sound disgusting. I won't even want to eat it anymore. Thanks. Thanks for ruining my lunch, which is gone, by the way.
Frylock: Have you looked in the fridge?
Shake: [sarcastically] Oh, brainstorm! Alert the internet, I got a genius on my han... oh wait a minute. It's already open, 'cause that's where I put it when it was shipped in from Alsace!
Meatwad: Try looking deep within your heart and ask it where it wanted that duck to go.
Shake: Down your throat, you bug-eyed freak! You know how much that duck cost!? Higher than you can count!

Sir Loin: Hey, Satan my man! What's up man?
Satan: SHUT UP!!! [fire blows Sir Loin away] I'M ON THE PHONE HERE!!!

Meatwad: Don't you see Frylock? He's gonna use all that fly spit to melt down the walls of the national bank.
Sir Loin: That's right.
Meatwad: He's angry at banks.
Sir Loin: Hate the bank-- .....STUPID-ASS MEATBALL MOTHER-- I MELT THE WALLS SO I CAN GET THE MONEY!!! To keep up with the payments on this here patio furnature which by the way is broken now 'cause I broke it thank you very much. Ever seen a cow sit on a patio furniture? I ain't! Look at that umbrella, man, I ATE HALF OF IT!

Meatwad: Hey, Carl!
Carl: Oh, great.... you've seen me...
Meatwad: Hey, you wanna contribute to Sir Loin's hunger drive? We're gonna feed the shorties, y'all.
Carl: Yeah, lemme see here, I think I've got some... uhhh.... oysters over here. (Horks into the bag of food)
Meatwad: Oh, thank you
Carl: Be sure to thank Sir Loin for keeping me up all night!
Meatwad: Yeah, I'll do that. Hey, I thought that... oysters had shells.
Carl: Oh, usually, but not these. They were, uh... farm raised.... in my throat.... with cheese. Hey, you want some crabs, 'cause I've got some of them.
Meatwad: No, no... my bag's pretty full right now.
Carl: I don't know if they're Alaskan King, but.... they feel huge

Frylock: What the hell happened to you??
Sir Loin: YOU tell me! One minute, I'm going in for a job interview and the next, BOOM, I'm in Hell!

Super Squatter

Shake: All right, truth time. Tomorrow morning, you and me, we get those bills paid together.
Frylock: Shake, tomorrow is Sunday!
Shake: You're right, church!

[The cable goes out as a result of Shake not paying the bills.]
Frylock: There goes the cable.
Shake: Terrorists!

Shake: Look, we've got electricity and we've got each other.
[Their power goes out.]
Shake: …Look, we've got each other.

Meatwad: Hey, how come the shower ain't workin'?
Shake: I don't know. Probably maybe something you did to anger God.
Meatwad: Yeah-huh.
Shake: Yeah, he's mad at you all right. I spoke to him at the Last Supper. They had good fish there.

Frylock: Meatwad, no!
Shake: Meatwad, YES!
Meatwad: Well all right!

Frylock: Well I'm just glad that you finally learned some responsibility. [goes outside and sees dozens of extension cords hooked up to Carl's house] In the most ass way possible.

[Carl accidentally shot himself in the foot. Shake is still watching TV]
Carl: I didn't think it was loaded, I was just sorta checkin' the barrel there, and...
Shake: Yeah, and the gun went off in your hand. I know, I was there, I heard. Why do you think I cranked up the volume? You know, hearing does not come back. It degrades over time.

[Shake, Frylock, and Meatwad are dragging Carl, who accidentally shot his foot, in a cart]
Frylock: Carl, calm down! We'll be there in a couple of hours, okay?

The Meat Zone

Master Shake: I've got something, there's science behind this, and legend.

Master Shake: The only way to cross the street, is just to close your eyes and bolt out there with complete disregard for machine.
Meatwad: Can I just keep one eye open?
Master Shake: Yeah, if you think you can get anywhere in life by cheating. You may as well paint yourself yellow, run around like a maniac, and call yourself Banana Man, cause that's what you're doing.

Master Shake: Now what did we learn today?
Meatwad: Pedestrian always has the right of way.
Master Shake: Yes! Except...
Meatwad: When you in the way.

[Feces is raining down on Master Shake and Carl from their "oil rig"]

Master Shake: Yeah! We're rich! Black gold, Texas tea!
Carl: Oh man. Is it supposed to stink like this?
Master Shake: Yeah, that's why it's called "crude" Carl.
Carl: [Angrily] No it's not, we hit my septic tank you jackass!

Super Trivia

Meatwad: It's over Frylock. We lost again. Just let it go and accept the truth that we is dumb…dumb as hell.
Shake: He's right for the most part. We got us a superstar. And we got two albacores that are just hangin around my neck.
Frylock: Albatrosses.
Shake: Yep. It's like the rhyme of the marinade happening all over again.

Frylock: All right, how're we doin'?
Meatwad: Fine.
Shake: No, we're not doing that. My eyes..are thirsty as hell. Who do you think you are?
Frylock: I'm the only US President to serve 2 non-consecutive terms in the oval office.
Shake: Then that would make you Grover Cleveland and-- Why is this coming out of my mouth?!
Frylock: Meatwad, how many non-consecutive terms did Grover Cleveland serve?
Meatwad: I'm fine. Everything's fine like wine.
Frylock: Why don't we just...unhook you..

Shake: I got this thing embedded in my ass!
Frylock: Oh, shoot, I'm sorry about that.
Shake: What is it? It looks like an Ethiopian toilet seat.
Frylock: It's just a basketball hoop.
Shake: What is this "bas-ket-ball" you speak of?
Frylock: Oh, hell, I forgot to put sports on the DVD!
Shake: And what is this "sports" you speak of?

Frylock: Okay, here's the deal, we're playing team trivia tonight and we need someone who knows sports.
Carl: Hey, here's a trivia question: Why would I wanna do that?

Carl: Yeah, the chicks. Where are they Fryman?
Frylock: Oh, they're in the back…moistening their T-shirts for the…jello wrestling.
Carl: He-heyy, now you're speakin' my language. He he, I knew you wasn't gay.
Frylock: Is that why you're not sitting with the rest of the team, Carl?
Carl: What, are you kiddin'? No, I'm not doin' that.

Carl: Hey, there's a broad-there's a broad right the-Hey! Yeah you, dingbat! I wanna pitcher a beer, fried jalapenos, the nachos grande, and, uh, let's start with 50 wings extra hot and keep the ranch comin'. he he, you hear what I ordered? I'm gonna be fartin' blood over here.

Ned Hastings: Ladies and gentlemen, turn around and face your trivia doom: Wayne "The Brain" McClane.
Frylock: You're going down tonight, Wayne. Carl, we need to name our team. Something tough.
Carl: I turned it in, Fryman. We're good.
Ned Hastings: And our other...competing squad: the One-Eyed Wonder Weasels and Their Two Balls.

Meatwad: So it IS grass. I'm eatin' it.

Meatwad: Hey, should we get Shake? 'Cause he's gettin' eaten by aphids.
Frylock: Nah. He'll get a ride.

Ned Hastings: When traveling at a subsonic speed during the last one hour of hyper sleep, which vector of the Romulan Nebula will suffer the wrath of the impenetrable quickening? And, for extra points, how many raths to the nearest molton? Be specific. This is a real question.
Frylock: Aw, hell.

Carl: So uh, when are we doin' the sports part here?
Frylock: We're not, we didn't, it's over, we lost, DID YOUR ASS GET ENOUGH WINGS?!
Carl: (Points to a table full of scraps)UH, you tell me does this look like I got enough?!

Frylock: How do you spell that?
Shake': (while half asleep)L...e...s...b...i...a...n...
Frylock:L..e..s..b..i..a..n.. Shut up, you're spelling Lesbian!
Carl: (while eating wings) haha...he said lesbian.

Universal Remonster

Frylock: Shake, he's out of batteries.
Shake: No, he's being lazy!

Oglethorpe: Put back my eyes so that I might furrow my brow, und express the anger I am feeling!

Frylock He's dead.
Oglethorpe: IMPOSSIBLE!!! The Remonster can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart with the ancient bone saber of Zumakalis!
Emory: Or probably his head or lungs too, just stab him wherever, really.
Oglethorpe: And the saber probably doesn't have to be bone.
Emory: Yeah, really, just like anything sharp just laying around the house.
Oglethorpe: You could poke him with a pillow and kill him.

Oglethorpe: We have successfully traveled eons across both space and time, through the Fargate......... to get FREE CABLE!
Emory: I think it's a st- Star...gate....
Oglethorpe: It's the Fargate! "F"! It's different from that movie that I've never seen, so how would I copy it?
Emory: Chill, man. It's allright, let's just turn it on!
'Oglethorpe: I just want to make sure that we are clear it's the Fargate! "Goes far", get it? And there it is no way it came from that movie, or that syndicated series based on the movie!
Emory: But.... it sure was a good movie.....
Oglethorpe: Yeah, yes it was...

Master Shake: (Attacking the TV) Who's laughing now, bitch? Piece of crap cable!
Frylock: What are you doing?
Master Shake: Maintenance! Shut up!
Meatwad: No, no, no.... don't shake it up, let the snow settle! That way you can see the little San Fransisco in there!
Master Shake: (Enthusiastically) Well, come here! Let's see if we can see it together!
Meatwad: Okay!
Master Shake: (Kicking Meatwad offscreen) HA! It's not a snowglobe, you IGNORAMUS!
Frylock: How many TV's have you broken this year?
Master Shake: A lot more than you have!

Emory: Why don't we just...uhhhh....what if we just call him the Universal Remobot? I mean, he is a robot...
Oglethorpe: But Remonster is his name, his brand name
Emory: This whole monster kinda thing feels a little tacked on, actually.
Oglethorpe: I mean, the T-shirts say "Universal Remonster", not "Universal Piece of Crap", like you say!
Emory: Oh, wow, you made T-shirts! That's cool.
Oglethorpe: Yeah, let me go get you one!
Emory: Wow, is that a Powerpuff Girl or something?
Oglethorpe: No! Can you not see? She has a mohawk and a wheelchair! We are NOT getting sued! Where's the Universal Remonster? I want him to have a baby-T and a visor!
Emory: Oh, man.... I think he went through the Starga-
Oglethorpe: It is a FARGATE! From the makers of Findependence Day! We will give it a mohawk and a wheelchair if we need help!

Tv puppet: Lean to your left!
Meatwad: OK (leans left)
Tv puppet: Lean to your right!
Meatwad: Right! (Leans right)
Tv puppet: Lead to your left!
Meatwad: Oh, over here? (Leans further right)
Tv puppet: Uh-uh, that's your right!
Meatwad: Awwww, dammit!

Frylock: Okay, Meatwad, that's good
Meatwad: I never get tired of hearing that
Frylock: (Floating near the tv chair) Now what's this over here? (Gestures on the right side)
Meatwad: That's a chair
Frylock: No, I mean is it left, or is it right?
Meatwad: Well, it's a chair, and it's right over there

Frylock: Look, you don't need TV, it just ends up owning you. Next time you get bored try reading a book.
Oglethorpe: We have no need to read. Behold! The mohawk of eternity!
Frylock: You guys are high!
Oglethorpe: No. Dude.
Emory: What? Are you cool man?
Oglethorpe: Yeah, are you cool?

Frylock: Yep, I think it's about time we invested in a high definition plasma screen.
Meatwad: I thought you said TV was bad.
Frylock: It is, but we f***ing need it!

Emory: Ow! DAMN! You hit me in the chin! [with a lamp]
Oglethorpe: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a ghoul.
Emory: Well I'm not.
Oglethorpe: Well it was your own damn fault for making noises like a ghoul.
Emory: Dude, I was flushing the toilet!
Oglethorpe: Ghouls do that. When they're making brownies!

Oglethorpe: He's not a monster! Monsters are supposed to be scary with claws und angry feet!

Total Re-Carl

Dr Weird (On answering machine): Gentlemen, You have reached Dr. Weird's residence now speak at the tone (BEEP).

Frylock: We also made you a care package for your little adventure.
Carl: Oh boy, fiber tablets. Yum yum.
Frylock: Yeah, dip them in the stool softener. I mean it's, it's delicious.
[Long pause.]
Frylock: There's espresso there too.
Carl: Leave!

[Frylock has put Carl's head on a robotic body.]
Frylock: I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles.
Master Shake: And you're gonna plug him in?!
Frylock: You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking?
Meatwad: Fudge!
Frylock: That's not an F-bomb.
Meatwad: Fudge you!

Master Shake: We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work.
Meatwad: I don't know whose clothes that is, but, someone ain't wearin' that again, I tell you that.

Master Shake: If I woke up looking like that, I would run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.

Frylock: Carl, did you lose somethin' behind the couch?
Carl: Yeah, I did! I lost peace and quiet! What do you need?! What do you want?! Can I not just live here without having to occasionally deal with you animals?!
Frylock: Well, yeah, it's your house.
Carl: That's right it is.
Frylock: And look what I just added to it!
Carl: (Frylock opens Carl's door to reveal his 'super-toilet' out in the front yard) Oh, nice. A crapper!

Carl: (translated via computer) Oh man, I swear to f***ing God Fry-man. I'm so f***ing pissed right now. Oh, and by the way I hope you enjoy eating your own s***, because I'm about to rip your motherf***ing throat out, and shove it so far up your ass, that you'll have to fart to f***ing breathe, F***er.

[Carl's head is mounted on a remote controlled truck and it keeps ramming into Frylock's computer desk.]
Carl: Turn it left, turn it left! I keep hitting the same spot. Look you're gonna break my friggin' nose.
Frylock: Sorry Carl, I still haven't gotten used to the..
Carl: Just gimmie the damn thing!
Frylock: This switch makes it go left and right, and this switch is power.
Carl: Which lever sort of turns me to the lawyer:[Angry] and makes me sue the hell out of you?

Schooly D: Man, I ain't trying to watch Carl take no criznap, baby.

Revenge of the Trees

Carl: All right, have a crappy weekend. Hope your house burns down.

Frylock: Look what do you call it when he...when he wants to get out of this?
Tree Judge: Oh that's the sweet release of death...yeah...EVISCERATION BY A THOUSAND BRANCHES OF A MIGHTY OAK!!!

Master Shake: (Trying to imitate tree) Typical! Filthy humans! You have no respect for us trees!
Shrub: He ripped my arms off!
Master Shake: Shut up! I didn't rip them!
Frylock: Shake, you're making it worse!
Master Shake: Go back to your "Strip Malls!"....where values are king....

Meatwad: Have you seen my wife?!

Tree Judge: (having an aside conversation) I have been on the bench for 100 years, I'm not going to look stupid here, Ray.
Tree Stenographer: We know...We know you've been there 100 years, we all know that.
Tree Judge: Well look it up
Tree Stenographer: Like, no. You look it up. The book's always...I always have to get it.
Tree Judge: Ok. Umm...We don't know...We're trees!

Tree Judge: How old is the defendant?
Frylock: He's uhhhh..... twenty-one
Tree Judge: TWENTY-ONE?!?
Master Shake: (to Frylock) Eighteen!
Frylock: How 'bout eighteen?
Tree Judge:............. EIGHTEEN?!?
Master Shake: No wait, sixteen
Tree Stenographer: Umm, I think he's sixteen, ok?
Tree Judge: We shall find his age! CUT HIM IN HALF! COUNT HIS RINGS!!!

Tree Judge:Wood Court is now in session. If you do not have a lawyer, this shrub will be appointed for you.
Shrub: Guilty! Guilty! My clients plead guilty!
Master Shake: Shut Up!

Tree Judge: Please note Exhibit A: on the wooden video, you will clearly see the accused dumping the oil!
Master Shake: Frylock, I'm telling you, that's not me in that video.... Because that's nothing! There's nothing up there! What the hell is th- this is bark!

Tree Stenograper: Is the defendant a minor?
Master Shake: (to Frylock) Daddy! Daddy, you're home from your business trip! And you're sober!
Frylock: Shake...
Master Shake: Mommy moved to the city with Mommy's friend Jerry! And he tried to hit me, Daddy! Not like you do, in an extra-mean way...

Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

Meatwad: Frylock, I'm friends with a toilet paper tube, an apple, and a box. I'm crazy in the head.
Boxy Brown: Well, you gonna dis me boy, dis me to my face!
Meatwad: Boxy, please, don't take it like that.
Boxy Brown: Well how'm I supposed to take it then?!
Meatwad: We just wanna celebrate my birthday with some cake-
Boxy Brown: Ah, I don't want no cake, I want me some pie! [with a chuckle] You understand what I'm sayin'?
Meatwad: ...No sir.
Boxy Brown: Well let me break it down: You know when you're in the shower with some fine foxy hoochi-mama, and she got dat-
Meatwad: [A pause] ...What?!
Frylock: Uh, Meatwad.
Meatwad: [To Boxy] Well I don't know if I believe that. I mean I seen action figures without the pants, they ain't got that.
Frylock: Uh, Meatwad.
Meatwad: [to Frylock] Shh, he is talkin' here!
Frylock: Oh, well I didn't mean to interrupt, but-
Meatwad: Watch out! He's got a knife!

Master Shake: You can't have birth without death. It's the duplicitous edge which we all walk upon.

Master Shake: I am responsible for the paradigm shift in birthdays and how they will be viewed in following centuries.

Shake: Gee-wilikers. It must be obvious day on camp stupid.

Master Shake: You know how many birthdays there are a year? There are hundreds. Literally … hundreds.

Zakk Wylde: Is Milkshake here?
Frylock: No, no, no.... I mean
Zakk Wylde: The beating I'm about to inflict upon him is going to be indescribable.
Meatwad: He's in the back. Go ahead and get 'em!
Zakk Wylde: Allright, thanks. Nice place, by the way. (sees Shake hiding in the back) Hey, I see ya!
Master Shake: Zakk, my man! I've been looking all over- thank God you stopped by! (Zakk lifts up his guitar, pointing the "axe" end toward shake's head) No, no.... PUT THAT DOWN! (Zakk lodges the axe between Shake's eyes) AAAAAAAAHHHH GOD!!!!

Homeless man: (mumbling) I'm seeing trees! I'll take care of it.... I'm a tree..... I'm a tree wizard!
Master Shake: Hey, that is great! Come on in, I've got a tray of muffins....
Homeless man: Muffins! (Grabs the tray of muffins)
Master Shake: One, take ONE! (Grabs the tray from him)
Homeless man: Tree wizard will be six dollars and forty-eight cents! (mumbles)

Master Shake: Kids are comin' to see the Black Mountain Scorpion Hoedown Blugrass Experience Gang, featuring Zakk Wylde on washtub bass. Zakk, did we not do the soundcheck?
[Zakk throws the bass at Shake]
Zakk Wylde: No, jackass, I'm not working with any plastic scorpions. These things are beyond gay.

Zakk Wylde: Why did I even get wasted and work with you? I mean, this isn't even a microphone. It's a stick with a marshmallow on it.
Master Shake: The room is intimate. Just project.
Zakk Wylde: Project what? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about!
Master Shake: You gotta go from the diaphragm.
Zakk Wylde: I mean I was fucking wasted when we recorded it!

The Shaving

Meatwad: There's a monster? In the attic?
Willie Nelson (the monster): Yeah... um, I was driven here by the villagers... when I was doing 30 in a 25... and, uhm, I guess when I say villagers, it's more like this one guy... I really didn't know him.. but- eh, I knew him, but it's not like we were buds or anything.

Willie Nelson: No I'm with you. I don't think violence solves anything.
Master Shake: God, you're gay! You don't think violence solves anything?! What kind of monster are you, anyway?!

Master Shake: You are the gayest monster since gay came to Gaytown!

Master Shake: You wanna see how to scare the neighbor? Check this out.
[Shake rings the doorbell and runs away.]
Carl: [answering] What?
Master Shake: Hey, catch!
Meatwad: [thrown at Carl] Hey Carl.
Carl: [knocked to the floor] Ahh! Get him off, get him off, get him off...
Willie Nelson: Cool, can I try that?
Master Shake: No. Only I can do that.

Master Shake: Great, look who just ruined Halloween…You know you're like the A-bomb, everyone's laughing having a good time and you show up BOOM! Everything's dead!

[Willie is getting ready to scare Carl]
Carl: WHAT?!!
Willy Nelson: Uh...
Carl: What do you want?!
Meatwad: Yeah, what do you want?
Willy Nelson: [forgetting his lines] Uh...what are you doing here?
Carl: I live here, asshole!
Meatwad: And I'm just visiting.
Willy Nelson: Well, listen, did you get any of my mail? Willy Nelson?
Meatwad: Hang on, lemme look.
Carl: Eat me.
[Slams door]

Willy: Wait, so, are we trying to scare him or are we trying to kill him?
Master Shake: Killing is scaring.

[introducing Carl to Willy Nelson the monster]
Meatwad: Hey, Carl!
Carl: Who's this, your frickin' mother?
Willy Nelson: No, Carl. It's your neighbor, Willy Nelson. I got chased here by the villagers. :Meatwad: Well, villager...
Carl: Yeah, that's a great story. See ya.
[Slams door]

Shake: Remember. You have no regard for human life, most especially women! Because they have the organs that you wish you had, so you'll make a suit from them!

Shake:[to Willy Nelson] BLOODFEAST ISLAND PANSY!

Willy Nelson: Nice head; I think I'll take it.

Frylock: What's up with the razor?
Willy Nelson: Oh, well, I shave once every couple days. It's nerve-wracking. It's supposed to be.
Shake: Well, it's not.
Meatwad: [horrified] You shave up there?!

Frylock: From the Ship of the Damned!! Muah hah hah.
Meatwad: Okay.
Frylock: You know, the Ship of the Damned?
Meatwad: Nuh uh.
Frylock: Famous short story about a ship that had a hole in it?
Meatwad: No.
Master Shake: Yeah, just go put on your ballerina shoes get the rest of the outfit, be who you really are...Dr Zhivago. Yeah, you suck.
Frylock: I'll just go get the candy, okay?
Meatwad: He's gettin' candy!
Master Shake: I got ten bucks says he's wearing women's panties under that.


Meatwad: If anybody needs me...I'll be outside...with the shovel!
Master Shake: Oh no you don't! That bullion is mine!

Frylock: Oh my God! Shake?
Master Shake: Oh my God, Frylock, WHAT?! Why's everything gotta be a federal case with you?... Yeah, you heard what I said! I said it!

The Voice: It is the Broodwich. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for blood.
Frylock: See? Told ya.
Master Shake: [Pause] I tasted mustard.
The Voice: ...Yeah, Dijon mustard.
Master Shake: How come no bacon?
The Voice: Bacon is extra!
Master Shake: You call this a sandwich and you don't even have bacon on it!
The Voice: There are no swine evil enough to be sacrificed upon a bed of evil! … And lettuce. Bed of evil and lettuce!

Master Shake: Are you that guy that keeps telling me to beware? Because I'll tell you where to be... out of my sight!

Frylock: Wow, so you're saying it was fun?
Meatwad: Hell no! That son of a bitch had an axe!
Jerry:-So, I don't know, she’s like, “move your skulls to the basement, because I got these drapes” I didn’t get that, I’m like, “honey this is work”
Stick Man 2:-Are you Serious?
Jerry:-I can’t put ‘em in the f***ing basement, I mean, and she’s like , you know, “can you put a tarp over them also?” And I just felt’m not. God Dammit.
Stick Man 2:- I got one at home just like it. And I got a kid now, and so…
Jerry:-That’s a whole other set of bulls***, I’m sure.
Stick Man 2:-So Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection and she wants me to move them cause she thinks it’s not hygienic.
Jerry:-I don’t understand how there’s a lack of appreciation for that…backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in. I mean it just looks cool.
Stick Man 2:-You’ve seen that?
Jerry:-Why move it? That’s the point of putting it next to the window.
Stick Man 2:-Right.
Jerry:-And I’m sure you’ve explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn’t get that.
Stick Man 2:-Ya. Ya. There’s no..Ya I can’t even argue with her
Jerry:-Ughh. It’s f***in ridiculous.
Stick Man 2:-If I want to move the bed… hey, isn’t that that guy?
Master Shake: -You left up the toilet seat, right?
Jerry:-Oh what the f***!?!
Master Shake: -Jerry, no! We're cool! We're cool, man!

Kidney Car

Frylock: Oh, well, I mean, you did call the police, right?
Carl: Heh, heh, yeah, good one. Oh, I never thought of that. No they, they stopped takin' my calls like, long ago.
Frylock: Well, uhh, we're kinda not...detectives anymore. I mean, that wasn't making us a whole lotta money.

Carl: Whoah, whoah, whoah, what was that noise?! ..Uh, where is my white hatchback?
Shake: [playing dumb] 'Scuse me?
Carl: And why are there skid marks there?
Shake: I just got through mowing the lawn...if that's a crime.
Shake: Yeah, we know how you did it. Congratulations. The bank gave you a credit card. It doesn't make you better than me! But you see, I don't have credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to work for what I have.
Carl: Did my car always have that, or am I just...
Shake: What? Class? Style? I don't think so. Thank God I got a hip transplant. Now why don't you go back into your house and shut up!
[Carl's head explodes]
Meatwad: Why'd he do that?
Shake: Why wouldn't he?

[Frylock is explaning what's wrong with the car to Meatwad.]
Frylock: The radiator's split, the tranny's shot, the wheels are melted, the crankshaft somehow found its way into the woofer in the back, and all the fluids are in the floorboard!
Meatwad: Nah it ain't. This just the soft-drink machine.
Frylock: They're fluids, Meatwad!
Meatwad: Soft drink's a fluid.

[Meatwad walks out of the house with braided hair.]
Meatwad: No, sure. But now we got us a mail-order telemarket business. Ultra Mega Braid. Carl, I see you're noticing my braids.
Carl: No, I'm not.
Meatwad: Did you know that you can have braids just like this? With Ultra Mega Braid!
Frylock: Carl, you wanna try one out?
Carl: No.
Frylock: We could do your shoulders.
Meatwad: They come in seven different colors, and you could add decorative beads and glitter. Make your own, unique Ultra Mega Braid!
Frylock: 3.99.
Carl: Hey, kiss my Ultra Mega Ass!
[Carl walks away.]

Meatwad: Are you depressed? Has our interest rates got you down? My name is Meatwad, and today I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Sell your organs! LIVE! Over the internet! Get money back on your baby! That didn't sound right. Where's my sheet?

Frylock: You know, you don't really need kidneys.
Meatwad: I know it's shallow, but hey, I want some. It's a status thing. That's what seperates the men from the animals.
Frylock: Actually Meatwad, animals have kidneys, too.
Meatwad: Well, animals ain't got no job working for the city.
Frylock: Neither do you.
Meatwad: Yeah, well...Damn! You burned me.
Meatwad: So, lay off my corn and hold your roll.

Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease off the pedal there Jeff Gordon. I am keeping the graphics.

[Meatwad is hitting the engine of the Hotwad with a plastic saw.]
Meatwad: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Okay, that should do it. Okay now, when I say "crank it", you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.
Boxy Brown: Uh uh! I ain't hearing that. See, you askin', or you tellin'? 'Cause nobody tells Boxy Brown!
Meatwad: Boxy, this isn't a big deal. I mean, I'm just asking a favor. Now if you remember, I helped you move your grandma to the home, and that was my day off.
Boxy Brown: Oh, that was no grandma, boy. That was a grocery bag.
Meatwad: But you just a box.
Boxy Brown: [extremely angry] I just a what, bitch?!
Meatwad: Y-You Duke of New York. You're A Number 1.
Boxy Brown: [shouts] You say that louder, boy!
Boxy Brown: Hehehehehe. Yeeah!

[Shake brings a plastic drill to Meatwad who is using a plastic saw to fix his car. Shake drops the drill and it explodes.]
Shake: Get out of there! What are you trying to break it? [Looks down at crater left by exploded drill] It's not metric?!

Meatwad: He said that the hobbit, that turns the crank case is depressed, and needs therapy. We need to get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time, land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator, I aint even gonna tell you bout that haunted air condition. Then that air filter, that's made of plutonium, that's gonna require superman, so, you know, plus shipping from krypton. Then the cow, Jumped over the moon...

Frylock: Okay, now crank it.
Meatwad: Okay, here I go. (pause) You ready?
Frylock: Yeah.
Meatwad: (pauses again) Ready now?
Frylock: READY!
Meatwad: Here it comes.
Frylock: Okay. (pause) Come on, Meatwad, I'm ready.
Meatwad: You ready for it?
Meatwad: Okay, don't get mad at me. (turns on the radio) How's that sound? Do you like that song?
Frylock: I meant turn the key.
Meatwad: I did! This is Key: K-104, Jersey's kicking country.
Frylock: The key to the ignition, Meatwad!
Meatwad: (turns off radio) I'm turning it!
Frylock: That's the steering wheel!
Meatwad: I'm going left.

The Cubing

Frylock: [Trying to get away from the Wisdom Cube] Look, there's Carl! Hey Carl! Hey! Hey! Hold up man!
Carl: No no no, don't come over here.
Frylock: Don't go anywhere! Stay right there!
Wisdom Cube: Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Frylock: Hey, look man, I'm sorry, I'd love to stay here with you, but I gotta go ever there with Carl...and spank him.

Wisdom Cube: Shut up and fish!

Wisdom Cube: This one time, I ate boiled peanuts, and I'd like to have got sick.

[Frylock is going over to Carl to get away from the Wisdom Cube]
Carl: No, no, I got nothin' to say to you.
Frylock: Nothin' personal [Frylock starts spanking Carl]
Carl: Oh, thank you.
Wisdom Cube: [From away] Hey, nice yard! It's nice.
Frylock: How's that restraining order comin'.
Carl: For your information, it's still tied up in the courts, cuz I don't have photographs of things like this thing you're doin' here with my butt-why're you doin' this? Stop doin' it. Wait, no-no wait, keep doin' it [chuckles] let me go get my camera!

Meatwad: This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start this business called "Meatwad Pressure Washing." But then I's told, "You got to have a license for that." I said, "License? Hell! I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!" And then he got all mad.

Meatwad: This one ol' boy, he give me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store. Shoot, he said I made a worser mess than it was. That's discrimination.

Frat Aliens

D.P.: Oh, oh wait, uh hang on. Did you see like, a little naked dude, out in the street anywhere?
Frylock: Uh, yeah. I think he's dead.
D.P.: Oh, are you serious? Well, when he wakes up, make him drink.

Skeeter: [at Carl] Dude, you wanna move your thing? You almost killed us!
D.P.: Yeah, are you, like, begging me instead to, like, mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend over there [points at Frylock], cuz I'll do it, man!
Skeeter: [holding D.P. back] Dude, dude, it's not worth it!
D.P.: No, man, look at my shit!!! [points to his wrecked spaceship] My dad is gonna be pissed!
Skeeter: [to Carl] Do you know who his dad is?? He is totally rich...he will totally hook you up.....dude....we're drunk!
Carl: These friends of your Fryman?
D.P.: Hey, where's the club? I need to piss.
Carl: They came from space, you know...typically, that means you're somehow connected.
Frylock: Carl, I've never seen them before in my life.
D.P.: So, you don't mind if I talk to her? [points to Frylock]
Carl: Her??! Haha, yeah, knock yourself out. She's a regular ho-bag.
D.P.: [to Frylock] 'Sup, little lady.
Skeeter: Dude, she's got a bit of a 'stache.
D.P.: It's all right, she's good to go [gives Skeeter a fistbump]. dad's totally rich, we own this dealership, and, uh, what sorority are you in?
Frylock: 'Scuse me?? I think you have me confused with a woman.
Skeeter: Ohhh, she burned you, dude!
D.P.: Oh, so you couldn't get in to a sorority?
Frylock: I'm a man, all right?!
Skeeter: This is beat. Total sausage party. Uhh...I think. C'mon D.P., let's get out of here.
D.P.: Well, what else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.
Frylock: ...I'm outta here.
Skeeter: D to the P, let's go, I got the munchies.
D.P.: Hang on, hang on...[starts talking to Shake] what's your name, babe?
Master Shake: I'm Shake.
D.P.: Ah, you wanna take me to your dorm room for a drink or somethin'?
Master Shake: No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.
[Shake hands Meatwad to D.P.; D.P. proceeds to kiss him.]
D.P.: Come here...
Meatwad: What you doin'?! Don't kiss me!
D.P.: What? It's cool, I got a rubber. What?!
Meatwad: You stay outside. You scarin me.

Master Shake: Somebody's a little bi-curious!
Meatwad: I ain't no bi-curious. I'm a man's man!
Master Shake: Not anymore! I've planted the seed of doubt!
Meatwad: You don't say that! I'm a man, and you...if you need me, I'm gonna be in the garage...[in a deeper voice] hangin' sheet rock, 'round an engine I'm rebuilding.
Master Shake: Look at the way he rolls...
Master Shake: ...just like a woman!

D.P.: Dude, your buddy here is givin' me a rash.
Frylock: He usually doesn't drink this much
Master Shake: I out-party you!
Frylock: Shake, will you sit down.
Master Shake: P.D., I know how to throw…down. Dude! And I almost said 'throw up', but I didn't. I hold my boobs! (chuckle) I mean my booze!
Frylock: Yeah, this is beer number two for him, right?
Master Shake: But I hold boobs all day too!

Master Shake: Dude, show him that sweet lung tat you got. Oh…wait till you see this. This is so awesome.
[D.P. opens a flap in his chest, shows a tattoo of his frat.]
D.P.: Had to do it on the inside or my dad would totally kill me. Had to get WASTED cuz it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat!

D.P.:What else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever

The Clowning

Frylock: Carl, let her go! You're highly infected! Carl I'm afraid … you've been clowned!
Carl: Yeah, I thought my flip flops felt a little tight.

Master Shake: Well, KNOW THIS! If you're an object, don't ever cross me. I proved it to your window, I proved it to your CD player, I proved it to your record collection, and I will prove it to any—
[Shake is thrown from Carl's window.]

[Carl's wig has become noticeably curlier]
Carl: Whoa, was my hair this curly last night?
Master Shake: What, are you fishing for compliments? You know, that's a horrible personality trait, nobody likes that.

Carl: You, uh, you have a brush I could borrow?
Frylock: We don't, we're all, uh, bald.
Meatwad: I got me one.
[He pulls out a toilet brush]
Meatwad: I use this for my teeth, and my hair.
Carl: Oh, yeah, I forgot. I live next to a third world hell hole.

[Termites that Meatwad ordered have infested Carl's house]
Frylock: Are you here about the termites?
Carl: Oh yeah, partly. I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word "Congo" written in blood.

Styrofoam Head: [ominously] The Clowning has begun!
Carl: Who said? Someone say something? ...Hello? Eh, friggin' air vent.
Styrofoam Head: God, I wanted him to see me! I wanted to say "It was me. I said it".
Bingo: You fool!
Styrofoam Head: God, don't you occassionally just wanna freak people out?
Bingo: He must never know.
Styrofoam Head: Oh, you got it bud. Think he won't figure out when his feet grow to the size of pontoons?
Bingo: Do you mock the Clown Society?
Styrofoam Head: Look, I'll handle this Bingo. You just get in your little midget car, and your f***ing big feet, and you f***ing fly around.
Bingo: Okay, but I'm telling Sparkles
Styrofoam Head: Oh good, then that means you're leaving! Now friggin' go you stupid clown!

The Dressing

Meatwad: Well we're not American, yet, until we pass that dumb test. That test a bitch.

Frylock: Carl is gonna join us, right?
Meatwad: Yeah-huh, but he said he'd rather take his food out on the lawn, where there are witnesses.

Shake: Out of the way! I will ruin this bird with my anger!

Shake: Could you pass the tacos? Could you pass me the TACOS?!
Frylock: HERE!
Shake: Okay, then.
Carl: This roll is wet!
Shake: Sorry, please go on.
Frylock: Ahem. For the fellowship we have w--
Meatwad: Hey, hey. Wait. What's a fellowship?
Shake: It's a gay bar down on 9th. Aren't you glad we're thanking the Lord for a nautically themed gay bar?!

[Turkatron has thrown Carl through a window]
Carl: I knew something wasn't normal, I'm not lettin' it slide this time - frickin' robot turkey - I knew something was up!
Turkatron: Is he mad?
Meatwad: Nah, don't worry about it. He's always got his butt chapped about somethin'.

Frylock: Now who the hell are you?
Turkatron: I am Turkatron. I have come from the year 9595 to save this bird that lies before you for he is the great, great, great, great grandfather…of Goblox…the turkey that's destined to lead the rebellion against master chickens.

Turkatron: Do you know who Goblox is?! I will tell you who Goblox is. In the year 9595, a race of deformed turkey was genetically developed by chicken scientists as revenge against his bird brother. These turkeys would exit the womb doused in gravy; gravy filled with the giblets…from a monkey. The French craved it, and, as a result, turkey became the only food source for France, which is now called RoboFrance 29. I was later killed by the chickens! So, of course, you can see why I'm angry at those chickens.
Frylock: Uh-huh. You know, you sound very familiar.
Turkatron: Of course I do. MONTHS and MONTHS ago I had came upon your neighbor taking the form of the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. But I didn't realize he was an agent: a chicken in disguise. Sent from the year 19…sent from the year 19…
Frylock: 9595?
Turkatron: From there. They had evolved, BIG TIME! From beyond feathers their beaks had softened and they aquired synthetic intelligence and appendages from the CHICKEN BLACK MARKET FROM BEYOND THE MOON!
Shake: Carl, Nextdoor Carl is a hyper-evolved chicken from the future?!
Turkatorn: (to Meatwad) ..What? You are?
Shake: He is. He ain't right!
Turkatorn: I knew that. And that's why I was sent here to erase his mind..and my mind as well. I had to be reformulated by rogue chicken scientists for the rebellion. They crafted my sleek, turkey body which allowed for safe passage through the time rift. So, in summation: the bird comes with me…dead or alive.

Turkatron: Is that a taco pie?
Meatwad: Mm-hmm.
Turkatron: Taco pie?!
Meatwad: I added food coloring 'cause it's a holiday, but it turned black 'cause I added all the food coloring I had. And I ate this butter straight out of the tub, 'cause it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything.

Turkatron: Enjoy those tacos now, for in a thousand years they will be illegal! Ha ha ha ha-I think we all know why.
Meatwad: We know why.
Turkatron: Anti-taco-legislation-disestablishmenterianism!

Turkatron: You know, that last bite, it reminds me of this severely long story about how the chickens became a master race through a freak accident involving radiation, and interestingly enough, to me, marshmallow!

Shake: Is that the same guy?
Frylock: Yeah, I think so. He's crazy.
Shake: I think he's really from the year 9595.
Meatwad: I think so too
Shake: Did you hear his story?
Meatwad: I heard it, and it checks out.
Shake: It is solid.
Frylock: Yeah, Shake, in the future they all carry their belongings in a plastic bag.
Shake: That is a future bag, I say that with all confidence.

Turkatron: Excuse m-Excuse me?! Those are weapons! They are all laser-guided, and I get CRAZY if you touch them!

Turkatron: Now where was I? Oh yes, it was 1000 years after the tacos were assassinated—
Meatwad: I thought you said they was illegal. Was they dead or illegal?
Turkatron: Oh, is this your story now? Did this happen to you and not to me?! Well listen up everybody he's about to tell us all his amazing story! The one that happened to me and not him.
Meatwad: …I-I'm sorry, you—you've got it—
Turkatron: Are you sure I have it, Are you sure since it happened to me that I should be the one to tell it? Well then, yes, thank you, I thought I did!

Turkatron: Pass me more wine, I shall require it to finish.

Turkatron: (drunk; referring to a chicken on TV) Damn you, Billy! Damn it! thought you had my mind under your control, but now, who's strapped to a wall enslaved by the chickens, huh? YOU... ARE STRAPPED... TO THE WALL... MAN. And who is now -- you are, dick. (headbutts the TV)

Turkatron: (drunk) Is that a time -- the time rift! Is that a time rift over there?
Frylock: No, that's a curtain.
Turkatron: Move. (gets behind the curtain)
Frylock: Hey. Are you all right?
Turkatron: Get out of the time rift. You have no idea where this will send you.

Season 3


Err: Is he all right?
Ignignokt: Cliff hasn't been 'all right' since the lunar war.

Ignignokt: It feels good to stretch my legs. Boy, I haven't bitch-slapped someone since Tuscon.
Err: Bend over slave!
Ignignokt: Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch-slap.

Frylock: In fact, this is not a check at all, Shake. This is a bill, for home care!
Master Shake: Impossible. That's not a bill.
Frylock: This is... Cliff, does anyone know a Cliff?
Ignignokt: Yes, my name is Cliff, and that's not a bill. Tell him, Err.
Err: That's a bill.
Ignignokt: A bi—- Why are we trying to cash a bill, Err?!
Err: Hell, I dunno, it's your uncle, I kept tellin' you on the way down here...
Ignignokt: It is my uncle. Don't you forget it.
Err: On the way down, I kept saying, 'This is a bill.' Just figured you knew something I didn't.
Ignignokt: I did know something I didn't. But it wasn't that.

Gee Whiz

George Lowe: Standards and practices are a vital link in keeping good and funny ideas away from you, the television viewer. Watch how this nun reacts when we blow her brains out.

George points a shotgun at a smiling nun's head and pulls the trigger. Her head explodes and blood starts pouring out.

TV Warning: No! Permission not granted!
George Lowe: Oh no, looks like someone's about to get an email.

George Lowe: Looks like someone's about to get an "A". By following the rules, you're guaranteed to make a mediocre product that no one can relate to.

Meatwad: Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Do a search ... for free pizza. Then see if it come out this drive. [looks in empty cup] Is this a drive?
Frylock: Meatwad, Im trying to look at my news.
Meatwad: News is good food for your brain, but I want food for my mouth.

[brief silence]

Meatwad: You bet your ass, or I'll turn off this whole computer ...

Meatwad: Dear Gee Whiz, please bless thine presence with a 16-inch thick crust meat craver's special, with the mild sauce. Amen. And please bring a side of wings while we wait.
Frylock: Meatwad, what the hell are you doing?!
Meatwad: Shut up! He's making pizza!

Meatwad: Oh, I apologize. My hormones must be gettin' nuts. Now please, if you would, get the **** out of my way. I mean, how many times do I have to ****ing write ice cream on this ****ing list before someone gets their **** in gear, and brings home the ****ing ice cream! Maybe I should get a steak knife AND ETCH INTO YOUR MOTHER****ING FOREHEAD! HOW HARD CAN IT ****ING BE!!!!! ICE MOTHER****ING CREAM!!!!! I GUESS THAT'S THE PRICE I PAY FOR LIVING WITH TWO ****ING MORONS!!!!!
Master Shake: What happened to courtesy? Did it just disappear?
Frylock: I just can't believe it.
Master Shake: WHO WOULD MAKE LOVE TO THAT??! How do you make love you have a do you do it, I'm asking.

Frylock: I stole this ultrasound program off the internet.
Shake: Well that's stealing!
Frylock: I said I stole it.

Ted Nugent: Hey how you guys doin'? Anybody without a gun, a knife, a handkerchief and a chapstick get the f*** outta here!
Carl: Oh my God, it's TED FREAKIN' NUGENT!


Meatwad: Why don't you just go to the hose, drink you some water? Like the dog you are.
Master Shake: I'm not turning on some analog faucet to drink some barbaric water. The mouth is a primitive hole that will soon be phased out; better start takin' pictures of that!
Meatwad: Could you phase it out now? Cuz it's pissin' me off.

Carl: What the hell is that?
Master Shake: It takes your MP3's that you download live off the Internet and transforms them into this song!
Carl: Yeah but will it do the ultimate song... Boston's "More Than A Feeling"?

Master Shake: What are you doing?
Meatwad: Painting you with honey.
Master Shake: Eh, that could be cool ... ooh, a package.
Meatwad: This is MY package.
Master Shake: YOU got a package?!
Meatwad: I'm allowed to get a package if I want to.
Master Shake: OK, so what's in your package that's not mine?
Meatwad: I dunno, let's see ... (opens package) BEES, BOYS, BEES!!!
Carl: Bees? didja get that link I sent you, about the woman having sex with a bee?

Master Shake: You know, I'm kinda gettin' a bad headache.
Carl: Yeah, I know what you mean, man.
Master Shake: And I don't know if it's this song, or if it is the heavy magnets that were inserted into the base of my neck.

Carl: Can someone please just shut off all the sex? I'm starting to chafe here.

Little Brittle

Master Shake: Where do you two thing you're going?
Frylock: Wherever the hell we want.
Master Shake: Not without me!
Meatwad: We're going to see Little Brittle at the old folks home.
Master Shake: Go without me!

Frylock: (Flipping through pictures) You don't remember meeting us? Okay, a couple of years ago, you were a six-foot-tall spider that wanted us to help you drill a hole into the earth to unleash demons to run your global diet pill pyramid scheme.
Little Brittle: The what?
Frylock: All right, what about this one? A year later, you were a cow that tried to get us to bring all our garbage to you so you could use flies to evaporate the walls of a bank so you could get the money and...
(Flips to picture of himself in an S & M mask and quickly flips away)
Frylock: So you could get the money to rent patio furniture that you hadn't paid for yet.
Meatwad: And this is us at dinner right before we sent you to the slaughterhouse.

Master Shake: Frylock! You're not gonna believe this! A prowler broke in here and forced your cupcakes in my mouth, and he said if you don't leave the room right now, and let him use the internet, he'll shoot me!
Frylock: Fine.
Master Shake: He has a gun, you know.
Frylock: Well, he said he'd shoot you, so I did figured it was a gun.
Master Shake: Frylock, I am completely serious here- [Frylock picks up a tray of cupcakes]...You had MORE cupcakes?!


Shake: What the hell is this? I told you fireman, astronaut, racecar driver, maybe bikini judge, and this is what I get? Food service? Are you kidding me? This is third world, and I'm from the first! I'm number one, baby.
Frylock: I'm amazed they even hired you.

Frylock: Did you even read the training manual?
Shake: The only thing I read are the zeroes on my paycheck.

Robositter: Where's your phone?
Meatwad: You can call Candyland with this one, talk to Gumdrop Larry. You need a calling card made of candy.
Robositter: [smacks the toy phone out of Meatwad's hands] You are in big trouble! I want the real phone, and I want it now, or I will tear you soul apart!
[Robositter throws Meatwad against the wall.]
Meatwad: [crying] I'm tellin'! I am tellin'!
Robositter: Tell who? The hounds of Hell will feast upon you, and I'll make it happen!

Frylock: You're liquified, bitch!

Shake: Where are those girls? Did you give them the money yet?
Frylock: Does it look like it?
Shake: I was supposed to buy them wine coolers!

Meatwad: So the lesson here is: either you should definitely not play with matches, or you definitely should.
Carl: It's definitely one or the other.
Meatwad: Which one you think it is, Carl?


Meatwad: Hey Carl, how's it going?
Carl: Hey what?
Meatwad: I'm just power walking.
Carl: What are you frickin' doing that for? You're just gonna die.
Meatwad: Yeah I know, but I need to drop a couple pounds. My feet's so fat I can't get into my roller skates, and my neckerchief don't fit anymore...look at this...[squeezes neckerchief on]...eeeeeehhh eeeh! [it doesn't fit at all] 'This a stickup!' It don't work. I do this at a bank robbery, I look like a fool.

Frylock: All right, the running man.
Meatwad: Oh no no no, I power walk.

Frylock: So, how far'd you run, Meatwad?
Meatwad: I powerwalked down to that pile o' gummy bears and back. I should probably set the pile out further … or closer, so I can get at 'em.
Frylock: Maybe you shouldn't eat the gummy bears once you —
Meatwad: Well, that's the half-way point! Shit, you don't put the gummy bears out, then there ain't no reason to run! Or powerwalk which is what I did.

Master Shake: I don't know why your exercising. It's just sweat that you're gonna have to wash off. Exercising's for dummies and women.
Carl: Yeah, you oughta hop on my diet, man. Started it two days ago and I'm already at my target weight.
Meatwad: Which'un?
Carl: South Bronx Paradise Diet, baby! Yeeeeah! The twist is you eat MORE than you want, then you supplement that with this special candy bar. And it ain't like them sissy No Crabs diet either.
Frylock: I think that's No Carbs, Carl.
Carl: See, but I have crabs. So I don't qualify for that. Have I told you that before?
Frylock: Yeah.
Carl: Funny story-
Master Shake: Well, I don't have to watch what I eat OR what I do. Call me Mr. Untouchable!
Frylock: Yeah, and that's why you're a candidate for heart disease.
Master Shake: Well...I have three hearts...cuz I'm from Tattooine. And my mother-
Frylock: No you're not.
Master Shake: Really? Cuz you know I get my physical every year...on Alderaan!!
Frylock: That didn't happen.
Master Shake: [visibly frustrated] Well...I...I am from the Dagoba System!

[Meatwad struggles to lift weight as though he has done several reps and Frylock finally lifts it up for him.]
Meatwad: Uhh. One.
[Meatwad drops the weight.]

Meatwad: Mmmmm. This here's a good steak. A little chewy, but it will do.
Frylock: Well, because the steak is a … cat toy.
[Meatwad spits out the steak.]
Frylock: But, I don't know why a cat would play with a steak, but, I just put it in there to get you excited about your real dinner: this, uh, celery stalk right here. Mmmm!
Meatwad: Well, it ain't workin'. Now, if you expect me to eat this, you gonna have to supply me with some wing sauce.
Frylock: How about a twist of lemon?
Meatwad: How about a twist of I gouge your motherfuckin' eyes out? Get me the Goddamn wing sauce!

Meatwad: Hey, can I have just one funnel cake … [softly] eating contest?

Frylock: Eww! It's a human liver! [pokes liver] Is this yours, Carl?
Carl: Oh, all right. I don't know, who cares? It's dead weight is what that is.
Meatwad: C-c-can I have it?
Frylock: No, Meatwad!
Meatwad: What? I'm about to die of hunger here! I need meat!

Shake: Beep beep beep beep doo doo beep...What's that, R2? With no pants? Beep beep beep doo beep. (chuckles) He's crazy.

Frylock: Carl you in here? Carl? Hello?

Carl pokes his head into frame as he's on the ceiling.

Carl: Yeah?
Frylock: No...
Carl: You know, I can actually hear you, talkin', in your living room. I got some crazy amazing hearing. They don't tell you that in the book.

Carl is sliding across the ceiling on his stomach

Frylock: What are you doing?
Carl: It's part of the diet, it says if you want to slide around on your stomach, don't fight the urge.
Frylock: You know you're up on the ceiling right?
Carl: Oh, oh yeah that, well, I like to be next to this light. Like, real next to it. Why? What are you queer?

Carl extends a frog like tounge to eat a flying insect

Frylock: Eww Carl.
Carl: I told you, I can eat anything I want with this frickin' diet. It's great! [Carl unscrews his light fixture on the ceiling] And the kicker? No long term ramifications!

Carl begins licking the inside of the light fixture for dead insects

Dusty Gozongas

Master Shake: [Lying on Frylock's bed with a pan of strawberries in an attempt to seduce Dusty] C'mon in lover. I'm just in here you know... wearing a mask and tickling myself with an ostrich feather. [Eats a strawberry] Oh ho ho.
Repair Man: [Flips light switch off and on] Your power's back on.
Master Shake: [Shocked]
Repair Man: Hey. Can I have one of those strawberries?
Master Shake: No! Get out of here!

Carl: You''re frickin Dusty Gazongas! I seen your billboard on the interstate there. You dance out at the Wild Wild Chest.
Meatwad: No, you thinkin of that girl down at Funbag Junction. That's Busty Bazookas.
Master Shake: I think you're talking about Nipple Hut.
Carl: You're thinking Crotch Town.
Master Shake: Crotch Town?
Meatwad: Crotch Town?
Carl: Yeah, it's near Boob-burg, but, kinda weak.
Dusty Gazongas: What IS my name?
Meatwad: You're Dusty Gazongas.
Dusty Gazongas: That's my name!!! [giggles]

Meatwad: I can't believe that you let a silly woman get between you and your friendship.
Frylock: 'Specially one that doesn't even know who you are.
Master Shake: It's disgusting, isn't it? Breaks my heart that I have to sue his ass back to the stone age.
Carl: I'm right here, Shake! You wanna go right now? We'll go right now!
Master Shake: C'mon, fat boy!
Carl: Where are ya?
Meatwad: Whoa, whoa, break it up guys, and listen to me. Love's a wonderous thing. But there's more to it than the physical experience, like … like … oh, hell, I dunno, she had some tig-ole-bitties, didn't she?
Frylock: Yeah, she did.
Carl: Amen to that.

Dusty Gozongas: Who are you guys?
Wrench #1: This pole is malfunctioning [Gestures towards stripper's pole]
Wrench #2: Yes!
Wrench #1: Perhaps if you were to dance around it.
Wrench #2: Yes!

Dusty Gozongas: Is that Pennsylvania
Wrench #2: Yes!

T-Shirt of the Living Dead

Shake: Oh, God, how much longer? Egypt is so boring. It doesn't even exist anymore, I mean, you don't hear DMX rap about it!
Meatwad: I find that this is highly effiligent in edumacationus for my brain, because, I am smart, boy!
Master Shake: You tell me how this is gonna help you get a high-powered six-figure job. You think they ask Tom Cruise this stuff before he signs on his movies? No one has to know this, ever!
Frylock: Shake, just go back to the gift-shop and let Meatwad and I enjoy the exhibit, okay?
Master Shake: You need me here! I am a strong counterpoint to the headphones!

[Santa is going outside the Aqua Teen's house to investigate a loud sound]

Santa Claus: Ho ho ho. What is going on out here?

[Giant monster Easter egg is standing outside Carl's house roaring loudly]

Santa Claus: Why it's a big ol' happy easter e- [Easter Egg breathes fire on Santa] Oh God!

[Giant Easter eggs have destroyed Carl's house.]
Carl: What's the matter? You haven't even finished destroying my car yet!

Santa Claus: It's the middle of f***ing July!

[The Aqua Teens are helping Santa deliver his toys]

Santa Claus: This is Jeffy's house, and if I remember correctly...he wants a wooden train.
Meatwad: All right, Jeffy's getting his very own...

[He creates a wooden brain]

Meatwad: Wooden brain.
Frylock: Train, you idiot! Train!
Meatwad: Don't you talk ugly to me! I'll send ya to the moon with my magic shirt.
Frylock: [resigned] Yeah, I know, Master.
Meatwad: Jeffy's just gonna have to bite the bullet on this one. Because it has been a long night, and we ain't even done the eastern seaboard yet.
Santa Claus: Just give it to him, he's...not a, not a bright child.

Shake: Master, can I ask a question? You said we'd be trading off at some point. Is that close?
Meatwad: We gonna finish up America, then we do Europe, then you knock out the Middle East yourself.
Shake: F*** you!
Meatwad: Cry me a river, bitch!

Basketball: Time? (laughs) Time is an illusion. The only time is party time, are we clear?

Meatwad: So what...what kind of germs he got there?
Frylock: Hypno-germs, Meatwad. Their only interest is to control your mind.
Meatwad: Oh thats right, and I'm an asshole for asking.

Shake: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tulip Sniper!
Tulip Sniper: Thank you very much, die, all of you. Die!

Meatwad: Okay, uh, I got a two-part question here. One, what's he doin'? Two, should we light him on fire?

Narrator: And the princess turned into the Incredible Hulk. But not the Marvel Comics Incredible Hulk. A completely different Hulk, that we made up.

Bean Wizard: I can't raise him from the dead, if he's been shot in the head. My powers are limit...ed.

Germ Master: Bean and germ must never mate. It is written on this grape.

Narrator: Poncho and the Princess would never meet again, for a few weeks later Poncho met a younger, more illegal bean who wasn't in prison. And she bore him many children... and sued his ass for custody of them.


[Carl stares at unreadable writing scrawled all over the side of his house]
Meatwad's Voice: Dear Carl, thank you in advance for feeding my dolls while we out in Panama City scaring up venture capital money for my stand-up comedy tour Meatwad Unplugged: No Buns Allowed. And also… we also gettin' a tan. Now remember Dewy and Vanessa won't eat anything but chicken chow mein noodles, and you know Boxy, he eat anything as long as it's deep fried. They need to be walked twice a day, and be sure pick up their doll droppings; you get a fine from the city. Thanks again. Sorry about the house big guy. Sincerely, Meatwad.
Carl: All right. What the f*** does this say?

Meatwad: Did you find my note?
Carl: Oh, was that you, yeah? Thanks for, uh, etchin' it into the side of my house.
Meatwad: Is you mad? You ain't mad are ya?
Carl: Yeah, while we're talkin', you wanna tell me what it frickin' says?
Meatwad: What what says.
Carl: The note.
Meatwad: What note?
Carl: The one on the side of my house!
Meatwad: Oh, that yeah, well, I don't remember.
Carl: Of course.

Delivery Man: It's, uh, $7.92.
Carl: Yeah, here's eight dollars, and, uh, keep it.
Delivery Man: All of it? I don't know if the bank will take all this.
Carl: Hey, man, the night's young. Knock off for a bit. Let's party!
Delivery Man: Oh, no thanks. This is gonna take me all night to count.
Carl: Hey, don't be so uptight, man. I got a pool in the back, I got beer on ice and, uh…
[The delivery man drives away.]
Carl: I'm callin' your supervisor, asshole!

[Rudy has killed Stacy with a laser.]
Rudy: Intruder alert. Intruder alert. She was robbing you. Was she robbing you?
Frylock: Of what?!?! My virginity?!?! No, not anymore. I don't think so…
Bar Owner: [flickering lights on and off] Go home!!!
Frylock: …and I… I'm not a virgin. Uh… I never was. I mean I was. But I… I… Just get the f**k out of here!!!

Meatwad: Guess who's baaaack!!! Come on everybody, group hug! Boxy, what's wrong?
Boxy Brown: Don't you ever leave me with that fool again! I'll slit you up the middle!!!
Meatwad: Okay, Boxy…
Boxy Brown: Okay, nothing—motherf**cker did not feed us!!!
Meatwad: I… I will… I will know better next time.
Boxy Brown: He peed on me, bitch!
Meatwad: Frylock, get him off me, please!

Season 4


Frylock: Shake? [Music is blaring loudly from a well in the Aqua Teen's front yard] Shake, what the..? Yo, Shake!
[music turns off]:
Master Shake: Hello? Is that you, Frylock?
Meatwad: When did we get a well?
Frylock: What are you doing down there?
Master Shake: I was just going to get some water for the village. But I must have slipped, and I blacked out. [He pokes his head out of the well] Where are the women?
Frylock: Where did this well come from?
Meatwad: Hey, Frylock. Where the 'hell' did we get this 'well?'
Frylock: Meatwad, you watch your mouth.
Meatwad: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
Master Shake: C'mon. It's the 'Old-abandoned-well.' F.., read the press release!
Frylock: [Reading off the back of a picture of Shake] 'Man falls down 'Old-abaondoned-well.'
Meatwad: Hey, Frylock … ass!
Frylock: Meatwad!
Master Shake: There's only a limited number of those, so, uh, put it back when you're done.
Frylock: Oh, I am done.
Master Shake: [There is a beeping noise heard from the well] And, so is my dinner.
Meatwad: Somethin' smells like chili!
Frylock: He's right.
Master Shake: For the first time in this mealy, friggin' little life, turns out there's an 'old-abandoned-microwave' where I got stuck. With chili, food, couple magazines. So, call channel five, get them broads over here, and tell them about the tragedy of my trappedness. We're gonna do it, though. Build it up. [He goes back into the well] Hot women only!
Meatwad: [Holding a hose down the well] Turn this ass-monkey on, full blast!
Frylock: Will you quit sayin' ass!
Meatwad: I just assed you to do somethin' for me.
Frylock: Meatwad, you watch your mouth.
Meatwad: I said 'ask!' Blast-hole.

Meatwad: It's OK, Shake, because whoever you decide that you are, I still gonna love you. But just not in a gay way, because God makes all people in different sizes and shapes and problems, but he only makes the people he hates gay. That's you. You it, boy. You gay!
Master Shake: No, I'm not! You don't know me! *runs off upset*
Meatwad: Hey Frylock, what does that gay mean?

Old Woman: Sir, I'm so sorry, but I think I hit your dog...
Frylock: That's... not a dog.
Old Woman: ...with my swords.

Shake: So, what's going on? Anything?
Meatwad: Livin' large, boy...
Shake: You... you take the handicap rail, because you... handicapped... uh, mentally.
Meatwad: Yeah... you a sissy.

Meatwad: Remove the chain. Cause that was off it.

Boost Mobile

Frylock: [Reading a bill from their mailbox] All right, let me see what we got here, hmm, bill … $2,600 … $2,600! What the … ! [Meatwad slams the front door and locks it] Hey! Hey, open the damn door!

Frylock: Uh, Shake, you wanna tell me how the hell we have a $2,600 power bill?
Master Shake: No, I don't!

Meatwad: Know what I wanna do? Learn how to milk a cow.
Frylock: Ok.

Master Shake: You understand what I'm talking about, you're black. [silence]
Master Shake: You sound black. [silence]
Master Shake: ...Where you from?

Master Shake: Josh! Yeah, yeah I know. Sorry for the mix up pal. I do, yes. I do like my balls. No, there is absolutely no need to hand them to me in front of the New York sales team. I--yes. You got it. Okay, buddy. You sound thinner, did you lose weight? Okay, thanks. Bye. ...shmuck.

Frylock: What're you wearing?
Master Shake: Bling blong, baby! It represents my lifestyle and status as a street-savvy irreverant youth who lives large, yet hungers for the next level in life. You know, Boost Mobile is the premium youth focus communication network and instant gateway to opportunities. [chirp] That's the chirp! I gotta take this. Hey, where you at dawg?!

Carl: What is this here, some sort of gay-out?

Shake: I want you to listen to something.
Boost Mobile Phone: Chirp.
Shake: You hear the "chirp"? Isn't that clear?
Carl: Isn't it clear that I'm gonna just completely f**k your ass up if you don't take three steps back?
[Master Shake stares blankly at Carl.]
Carl: It's not, is it? You just look at me. Look at him lookin' at me-
Shake: But you can make and receive cellular calls with this! Give it to him!
Boost Mobile Phone: Where you at, dog?
Shake: See?
Carl: I'm on my land. We're both in America, which used to be a good country, until they started lettin' people like you do whatever you want.
Boost Mobile Phone: Hey dog, where you at?
Shake: See?
Carl: See this!
[Carl points at the dividing line between his neatly trimmed and the Aqua Teens' not-so-neatly-trimmed yards.]
Carl: This line, here? Line of Death. You cross it, and your freedoms no longer exist. Um-kay? Have a good day.

Master Shake: C'mon, don't look at me like that, I'll buy you anything you want....See this chain? I'm rich, bitch!


Carl: [reading from his prize slip] "Tonight you will get your dick ripped off." ...That doesn't sound right, does it?

Rice Mascot: So, who's gonna get their dick ripped off tonight?

Rice Mascot: [to Meatwad] Who was it little man?
Rice Mascot #2: 'Cause someone's dick is coming with me tonight!

Carl: Oh yeah I get it. You knock me out, dress me like a woman and then take pictures of me. Laughs on me huh?
Frylock: Well you see Carl heh.. uh.. you're not just dressed like a woman.
Carl: Oh do go on please.
Frylock: Well, it's very simple really. I just removed your dick so no one will have no need to remove it.
Carl: [Carl's crotch begins to bleed] Then the giant blood stain is uh... is that me having my period I guess? He he.
Frylock: Could be. Or it could be the spot where I snipped your dick off.
Meatwad: You're taking this pretty good Carl. Kudos.

Rice Mascot: Every cup's a weiner!
Rice Mascot #2: One in three chance of getting your dick ripped off.

Master Shake: Ding dong, the dick is dead, Carl!

Frylock: Apparently, Carl, when you bought that medium drink, you entered a binding contract that enables them to rip off your dick.

Mr. Wong Burger: Are you telling me that I don't know dick?

Rice Mascot: Close the dick gate!

Mr. Wong Burger: What are you doing touching my dicks?

Carl: You think, uh, maybe I could, uh, get my dick back? Oh, wait, you know what, maybe you should keep my you could, uh, hump yourself!
Master Shake: Technically, that would not be, uh, doing yourself, just for the record.

[Carl finds his genitals in a trashcan outside.]
Carl: Is that it? Is that mine? 'Course it is, it's got that curve to the left.

Mr. Wong Burger: I have an advanced degree in dick-nology!

Rice Mascot: You don't think they're... dicking around over there, do ya?
Mr. Wong Burger: I doubt it. They're professional dick hunters. They crave we all do.

Master Shake: Hydration is essential. [sips loudly from his drink] Oh, that's good. [sips] And I need 85 [long and annoying sip] gallons of soda per day, and plus, [two annoying sips] It comes with an edible handtruck. [Nibbles on the wheel of the handtruck] The tires ny'are chocolate!

Mr. Wong Burger: Do we have to fuel up with some dicks?
Rice Mascot: Yes, we got a full tank of dicks.

Hand Banana

Meatwad: You know what? I want a dog.
Frylock: Well, let's go make one.
Master Shake: Frylock, I want some money.
Frylock: Well, then get a job!
Master Shake: He gets t-(stutters). He gets what he wants. "Just make it for him!"

Master Shake: Have you seen what they're doin' back there?
Carl: What are you talkin' about? Back where?
Master Shake: … I'm tellin'.
Carl: Tellin' on who? Or what?
Master Shake: Meatwad and Frylock. They told me not to tell anyone, but I'm tellin' you.

[Frylock and Meatwad are making a dog in Carl's pool]
Meatwad: It ain't workin'.
Frylock: Oh, let's see.
Meatwad: I'm gonna break it.
Frylock: Oh, you're supposed to add DNA.
Meatwad: What's a DNA?
Carl: It stands for: Do Not, uh.... enter my pool... Ass man."
Master Shake: See, see what they're doing? I don't know he even knows!
Frylock: Carl, do me a favor and spit in that pool
Carl: Oh, you mean MY pool?
Meatwad: Oh, is this your pool?
Carl: Yeah, it is
Meatwad: Can I go swimming?
Carl: No, you may not!
Master Shake: How about if I swim in it?
Carl: No!
Meatwad: Well, do you mind if we make a dog in it?
Carl: Yeah, I do mind. Very much, if that's cool
Master Shake: Yeah, he does mind!
Frylock: You haven't been using it!
Carl: That's not the point
Master Shake: He's going to very soon!
Carl: Just because I haven't been using it doesn't mean like..... HERE, turn it into a dog laboratory!

Hand Banana: (music suddenly becomes intense) Tonight... you.

[Hand Banana has entered Carl's house]
Carl: What the hell? No, no, no, no. Bad boy, bad boy, you live over there. Go-go back to the freaks.
Hand Banana: Who're you callin' boy? My name's Hand Banana.
Carl: What, you-you talkin' to me here?
Hand Banana: No, not anymore. We're done talkin'.
Carl: Hang on, let me bend over and pick this thing up here. [Hand Banana analy rapes Carl] Hand Banana, no!

[Hand Banana is a pastry chef]
Master Shake: Well I'll tell you what, as long as I get these muffins, I don't give a crap what he does. He's a winner in my book. In fact, I'm gonna make a couple of dogs tonight. Start a restaurant with 'em, call it "Dogs". I'm gonna work on that name, too, because that does not seem good to me.

Meatwad: There's a Hand Banana. Good boy.
Carl: Oh, he's not a boy anymore... he's a man. Because he just raped me!
Hand Banana: Do you think you could back that up?
Carl: Listen to this guy, "can back that up"... I got bruises to prove it!
Hand Banana: No, no. I mean that ass. Back it up... yeah.
Carl: Do you hear what he's saying here?!
Hand Banana: Sound like someone wants to be raped again!

[Frylock doesn't believe that in one day Hand Banana could learn the English language.]
Hand Banana: See? All I know is "ball" and "good"... and "rape."

Meatwad: I'm sorry Carl, but I think that you need to leave. You upsettin' Hand Banana.
Carl: Heh heh, yeah, well, you know, he "upset" me pretty bad too. I don't know if I can sleep anymore. You ever been raped by a dog?
Meatwad: Uh uh.
Carl: See, I think that's what Hell is like, you know. Constantly raped by dogs.
Frylock: Carl—
Carl: That, you know, I don't know if I believe in God, but.. I think he must hate me.
Frylock: Carl—
Carl: Because he allowed you to create a dog that constantly rapes me.

[about Hand Banana]
Carl: And, technically, he's supposed to be spayed, and uh, he ain't that. I know that first hand. Go ahead, ask me how I know. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me how I know.

Carl: Oh man, that is a load of my mind … knowin' that rapist is gone. Man, feel good out here, just might uh, get nude. [Drops his pants] Shine some sun, where 'da sun don't shine, you know what I mean? Hehehe, long past the point of caring on this.[sits naked face-down on lawn-chair]
Hand Banana: [enters Carl's backyard with a spiky whip] You, uh, basting that turkey?
Carl: Huh, what's that?
Hand Banana: Think its time to take your temperature... see if the meat's just right... [Handbanana leaps onto Carl's butt and starts to brutally anal rape Carl]
Carl:[screaming] NO!! NOOOO!!!!!

[Carl is already making his own dog, while trying to explain his revelation to Hand Banana, who is still raping him]
Carl: See, you don't know what rape is like. For years, I thought it was funny. 'Oh, yeah. Rape's so funny.' Until you've been raped. You're about to find out what that's like, Hand Banana.
Hand Banana: Hey, let's think about this.
Carl: Oh, we're done thinking. 'Cause, see, every time I think, you're there... haunting my dreams!

[Carl creates a dog from his DNA to protect him from Hand Banana]
Carl: Hand Banana, I want you to meet … the Enforcer.
Spaghetti: I want my name to be "Spaghetti".
Carl: All right, Spaghetti. Whatever, I don't care. Just, you know, just do what I tell ya.
Spaghetti: What the hell are you lookin' at?
Carl: I'm your father, I just made you.
Spaghetti: [laughing] I got your father right here! Heheheh, I got your daddy!
Carl: All right, enough talkin' with the dogs, here.

Spaghetti: Hey, we got a lot in common here. I'm gonna rape you!

Party All the Time

[Shake and Meatwad are watching a guitar lesson videotape.]
Master Shake:God!...Look at him rip!...His fingers go from here to China, man! It's like a skeletal boardwalk across the ocean!

Meatwad: What are you makin'?
Frylock: A time machine.
Meatwad: That's dumb.
Frylock: Really?
Meatwad: Yes.
Frylock: Well, Mr. Smartypants, have you ever gone back in time?
Meatwad: I farted my way out of an elevator.
Frylock: That's not the same thing.

[Shake is about to stick his hands in a bee's nest to make them bigger.]
Master Shake: This is totally gonna work.
Meatwad: Okay, I'm inside and I got your doors and windows closed. Go on and do it.
Master Shake: Roger that.
[Shake sticks his hands into the nest.]
Meatwad: How does that feel?
Master Shake: I can feel them getting bigger.
Meatwad: They-they look like they getting you in the eyeballs too.
Master Shake: Well, I know that. If I rip any solos with my eyeballs, I'm gonna need the bee's venom to enlarge them. You know, otherwise I get on stage looking like a big asshole, and I am not that.

Andrew W.K.: [Jumps out from offside and begins singing 'Party Party Party']
Master Shake: All right!! Andrew W.K, live in our living room!!

Meatwad: What did your doctor say?
Frylock: He says I have cancer.
Meatwad: Well did you... did you tell him that you don't?
Frylock: Meatwad, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Master Shake: MAGAZINE WAR!! (Throws a magazine at Meatwad)
Meatwad: (Returning fire) "Better Homes and Gardens" 1! Fire!
Master Shake: Eat my "Redbook"!
Meatwad: "Better Homes and Gardens" 2!

Frylock: (Finishing time machine) That's it! Now, who wants to make history and go back in time?
Master Shake: (staring at a scorpion on the floor) Yeah, we're busy
Meatwad: Eat it
Master Shake:YOU eat it
Frylock: You could meet president Lincoln!
Master Shake: Lincoln's dead!
Meatwad: I'll eat it.... if you eat it
Master Shake: All right, deal! Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?
Meatwad: Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it
Master Shake: Okay. (Eats scorpion)

Meatwad: What did your doctor say?
Frylock: He says I have cancer.
Meatwad: ...well, did you tell him that you don't?
Frylock: I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, Meatwad.
[Frylock sees Master Shake laying on the floor.]
Frylock: What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
Meatwad: Oh, he's dead. Dumbass ate a scorpion.

Carl: Oh God. Looks like he's dead already.
Frylock: Thanks Carl. I appreciate that.

Master Shake: Gentlemen, we have a time machine, and this is the key to Frylock's health. We can break it apart, light it on fire, and smoke the cancer out!
Meatwad: Well, don't smokin', like, cause cancer?
Master Shake: That has never been proven.

Meatwad: I'd get me a physical.
Frylock: Oh, really? And who's your doctor?
Meatwad: Dr. John. Ol-Olivia N-Newton John. [Dancing] I get physical, physical. On ya face, boy, on ya face. [Laughs]

Master Shake: (duct-taped to a rocket, talking to Frylock) Hey! Time to destroy the sun, right now buddy, and it's ALL for you baby! FRYLOCK FOREVER! Light it up, Meatwad!
Meatwad: Already done it, like 5 minutes ago
Master Shake: Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- (the rocket explodes)

Doctor: Well, uhh... we got your bloodwork back...
Frylock: And?
Doctor: No apparent traces of cancer in the lymph nodes
Frylock: Oh, God, thank you! You have no idea how great that is to hear!
Doctor: But, uhhh... listen..... Aliens
Frylock: What?
Doctor: Yeah, the aliens are coming. For us, you and I. That's why we must merge as one, together to defeat them, and their lasers.... (aliens fly into the room, shooting lasers, and carry the doctor away)

Global Grilling

Master Shake: Listen, don't tell me how to do it. You tell him [Meatwad] how to do it and he'll tell me.

Master Shake: Mmm, that a George Foreman grill?
Frylock: Uh, no. George Washington.
Master Shake: Couldn't afford the real one, huh?
Frylock: Oh, and like you can?
Master Shake: Shut—you shut your mouth.

Master Shake: Dudes! Check. This. Out!
[Shake shows off a flashy, high-tech, chrome grill.]
Meatwad: Ah, yeah! We grillin' tonight!
Master Shake: Now here's what's different about this my friends: it uses actual pieces of the sun, combined with some radioactive vials from Chernobyl, and I know this is interesting also to the ladies out there, it uses them to heat burgers, steaks, chicken; no problem. And, best of all, it's not even suppposed to be inside this country.

Meatwad: Hey, hey maybe ya'll should turn that that thing down, Mucus Man is meltin' here.
Master Shake: He's not meltin' he's 'chilaxin'. If you can't speak the language, go back to Mexico. Where you were born and are from.

Master Shake: You can eat this now, or be hungry in a couple of days when we run out of money for food.

Carl: Hey, you grillin'?
Master Shake: No, I'm curing cancer. Of course we're grillin'.

Carl: Are those clouds on fire?

[Shake is frantically pressing the thermostat]
Master Shake: How do I get this to be cold?! I keep pressing it and pressing it and pressing it, and it won't get cold now!
[Frylock checks the thermostat.]
Frylock: 242 degrees?! Man, that's insane!
Master Shake: That's what I've been sayin' for the last hour and a half, while you've been "Dreamin' of Jeanie."
Frylock: Dammit, I think we're gonna have to freakin' call the landlord. The compressor's on the fritz again.
Meatwad: Well, he...he may be gone. I...I wouldn't go out there
Frylock: [As we see that the outside background is melting] And why not?!
Meatwad: Watch this. [Flings a skillet out the front door, causing it to explode almost immediately]
Master Shake: That was my Alton Brown saucepot! I use it to make my Balsamic Reduction! Dammit! … You've seen me do it.
Frylock: Shake! You left that grill on, didn't you?
Master Shake: [looks outside] Oh... uh... no!
Frylock: Well then, why is it on?!
Master Shake: I don't know... uh... it's in "self-cleaning" mode!
Frylock: No, Shake, I think it's on "create-a-hole-in-the-ozone" mode!

Master Shake: [Treading water] Phew. Feel that cool water. So soothing!
Meatwad:Yeah. Feel that polar bear chewing on my head up here. [We see this is actually happening]
Frylock: Oh my God! This is a melted polar cap!
Master Shake: Uh, no, no. Polar caps are traditionally cold. And this... [The water begins to boil] ew, this is starting to get hot. [The grill is still running] Aw, hell.

Frylock: We've got to get to that grill.
Master Shake: I know. You've said it like 93 times!
Meatwad: Hire somebody! Hurry!
Master Shake: Mex—Mexicans! They'll do it! They'll do anything! Who here knows Spanish?
Meatwad: Carl may. His hair is dark.
Master Shake: That's a good thought. I'm gonna ask him.

[Carl's house has flooded.]
Carl: NO, NO, NOOOOO!! My father's amateur porno! I love you dad…and all those money shots!

Meatwad: Look, ya'll just stop bickerin'. We's all need ta join together and…thank God that…it's on Extra Low.

Meatwad: Ya'll suck. I wish Superman was here. I'd say "Hey Superman. You mow the lawn while you're here?" And he'd be like "Yeah, I'm Superman. I know how to work the mower."

Meatwad: What is this dissension in the ranks? Someone refuses to blow.
Carl: Oh no, I got somethin' you can blow all right.

Master Shake: Our future's at stake, and it's in your nose. You must eat your boogers, America, for the sake of your grandchildren's lives.

Carl: [Examining grill] Wow...damn. Puttin' off some BTU's. I think those...are those clouds on fire?

Bart Oates

Carl: Hey Fryman. I got this post-it-note that was left on the curb for me. "Thanks for car. M.S."
Frylock: Oh man.
Carl: Yeah.
Frylock: Ah I'm sure it'll be back.
Carl: Ya think? That'd be so thoughtful.

[Carl is trying to sell jerseys to Frylock]
Carl: Don't worry about this rip. I just uh accidentally ripped it pulling it out of the box.
Frylock: Are the "Gnats" a team?
Carl: Nah. "Gnats"? What da freak- it's supposed to be the Giants! I friggin' told them immigrants! No wonder, they cut me a deal. What a deal! They probably don't even have giants in their country; they're so freakin' tiny. Look at this crap. Half of them dissolved in the box.
Frylock: Well, you know what they say "you get what you pay for."
Carl: I tell ya what: how 'bout I take 20% off.
Frylock: How 'bout no.
Carl: Aw c'mon man, I seen you flyin' around so fast. People won't even notice, right? High-five football fan.
Frylock: I really don't like sports Carl.
Carl: … Oh yeah? Well, you're a f**!

[Carl is reminiscing with the spirit of Bart Oates]
Bart Oates: [Bart holds up one of Carl's jerseys] The "Gnats"?? What is this Carl?
Carl: Oh, that? It's just, uh, it's a tribute! To your majesty.
Bart Oates: Carl, by doing this you're taking food out of NFL player's mouths!
Carl: I'm sorry, Bart … but, dude! I followed your whole Pro Bowl season back in '90. You had a sack prevented index, it's like 0.9! It's ridiculous! Your blocking ratio is like 4-to-1. You were playing out of your mind that season! [in a disgusted tone] And then 1994, you frickin' side with the 'Niners. [sadly] You broke my frickin' heart, Bart. [angrily] You pancaked it!
Bart Oates: I was there when you destroyed my poster, and you said, "I hope he gets injured."
[Flashback to Carl back in 1994]
Carl: Enjoy San Francisco, pansy! [Carl rips his Bart Oates poster in half] [angrily] I hope you tear your ACL, jackass!!
[Back to present day]
Carl: I said that?
Bart Oates: Three years later, I had knee surgery, and I had to retire, Carl.
Carl: So, I, I made you, like, have knee surgery by saying that?
Bart Oates: In a way, yes, you did.
Carl: That's awesome. [pause] I mean, I'm sorry in retrospect, but that's so awesome I was able to do that! I hate the 'Niners!

[Shake and Meatwad are in a holding cell]
Meatwad: Hey, my man over here. He wants a daiquiri now. He says I got ta smuggle one back in...up my butt hole.
Master Shake: Oh … the fresh or the mix?
Meatwad: Fresh.
Master Shake: Oh God, that would be so cold.

[Carl doesn't want Frylock to see the spirit of Bart Oates]
Frylock: Hey Carl. What's up?
Carl: Oh crap. Hide.
Frylock: Hide? From what?
Carl: From uh …
Bart Oates: Just play it off as a joke.
Carl: ...From uh, you know … black people've been runnin' around here.
Bart Oates: … That's not really a joke Carl.
Carl: Oh c'mon man, I'm tryin'.
Frylock: OK, Carl, I felt really bad about your car, so I brought you some fresh parsley and oregano from my herb garden.
Carl : Oh, great. Weeds. This will help me get to the strip club.
Carl: Where's my frickin' car?!?
Frylock: Well, it's kinda been impounded.
Carl: What?!? [Carl grabs Frylock and starts drowning him in his pool] You tell me right now, Fry Man, where my frickin' car is, or I'm going to rip that paper box head of yours in half!
Bart Oates: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy Carl. You don't want a penalty for roughing the neighbor. I mean, that's fifteen yards and that hurts the team.
[Carl lets go of Frylock]
Frylock: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, Carl!
Carl: It's okay, I'm not mad. OK? [angrily, but showing restraint] So, uh, where's my f-ing car, please, sir?!

Master Shake: Carl! Well, well, well … look who's off to the slammer!
Carl: I bailed you out, dumbass.
Master Shake: Oh, well good, I'm drivin', let's go.
Meatwad: I'm drivin'
Master Shake: No, you have no control of your bladder!
[Carl drives off]

[Carl apologizes to someone he hit with his car]
Carl: Look, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way!
Bart Oates: Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this.
Carl: All right, all right, all right, look...reset. I am very glad that the forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not lookin' both ways! I did not wave you on, I was flippin' you off!
Bart Oates: [annoyed] Carl …
Carl: OK … all right. I'm sorry, you're dead.
Bart Oates: You're in the red zone now, buddy, you gotta close the deal.
Carl: Well, me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't never gonna bring you back--
Bart Oates: Be a champ. Go all the way.
Carl: --OK, I'M SORRY I HIT YOU, ALL RIGHT?!? And that's as sorry as I'm ever gonna be. You were old. I could tell!

[Carl apologizes to the Chicago band for making jerseys with their name on it]
Carl: OK guys, look, I'm sorry that I made an ass load of money sellin' these in the parking lot of your show. They ain't supposed to say "Chicano" it was them dumbass immigrants I had working for me. Anyways, I want you to have this [points to a box full of jerseys] 20% off on these.
Bart Oates: Hey Carl, you're off sides buddy.
Carl: OK look, here's the money I made on it [Holds up a can full of change].
Bart Oates: … $40 in change?
Carl: Dammit, you know everything. All right look, I'll um, I'll make out a check to uh … how 'bout I make it out to "Chicago?" [The band is silent] All right friggin' cash! Fine! [Carl leaves].
Band Member 1: Who was that?
Band Member 2: I don't know, but check it out: $43 in change. All right!

[Carl and Bart Oates are outside Linda Hamilton's mansion]
Carl: I don't recognize this place.
Bart Oates: Carl, huddle up. This is Linda Hamilton's house. She is destined to play Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And Sarah Connor will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines.
Carl: Well, I mean she's already been in that movie.
Bart Oates: Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton.
Carl: What're you talking about man? She's an actress.
Bart Oates: C'mon Carl. Ya gotta do it brother. Ya gotta go all the way. Do it for Tuna, do it for L.T. C'mon man, this is our house. This is Linda's house. We gotta run a trap and you gotta lay a big hurt on Linda.
Carl: "Lay a big hurt on"- listen to yourself. She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid!
Bart Oates: "Stupid?" Are you kidding me? Listen man, when I had my knee surgery the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery (Bart removes his skin to reveal a metally trashy inside) Wanna see?
Carl: Looks like they did it on a budget. I don't see any computers in there.
Bart Oates: What?
Car: Lotta cans here.
Bart Oates: Oh man, the computers lied to me.
Carl: Ah, ya think?
Bart Oates: Oh no! My whole life is a sham! [Linda Hamilton's alarm system goes off]
Linda Hamilton's Alarm System: [The eyes of two large Terminator heads on the fence of Linda Hamilton's mansion glow red] Intruders!
Carl: All right drama queen, lets get outta here before Linda wakes up.

[last lines]
[Frylock is performing brain surgery on Carl]
Master Shake: Whoa, what the hell is that?
Frylock: It's a BB. It was lodged in his frontal lobe. But how did he get a BB in his brain?
[flashback to sometime earlier in the day … Master Shake is cocking a BB gun with the spirit of Bart Oates behind him]
Bart Oates: Milkshake, we're in the goal line offense, baby. You gotta score. You're a champ, buddy. Go all the way.
[Master Shake shoots Carl (off screen) with the BB gun]
Carl: (screams)
[back to present time]
Meatwad: [pause] Shoot I dunno, I need to figure out how to shove a daiquiri up my butt.


Master Shake: the bum said, "I ate it off the sidewalk. With my baaaallls!"

Master Shake: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal!

Meatwad: Remember that one show? "'Roid-Away, apply directly to the 'roid. 'Roid-Away, apply directly to the 'roid."

Master Shake: Yes, i would like to speak to a supervisor. Because you were very rude to me. I will fly directly to India tonight and see your face in my face. What is your name?!? Give me your name.
Meatwad: Who is you talking to.
Master Shake: I am about to find out. Hello. Hung up.
Meatwad: Well, did he fix the TV?
Master Shake: You tell me.
Meatwad: well, yeah?
Master Shake: I swear to God. A whole night of TV has been ruined, Thank you India. You know it's the Indians and their barbaric ways. Yogurt running down their faces and boobs flapping around. Hey, ever here of a bra? I've seen one.

George Lowe: [to Frylock] You look tasty and heavily salted.

Alien #1: Someone climbs the tower!
Alien #2: You know what you must do, beastman!
Carl: Yes, master.
Carl: Hey!
[Camera rises to show Frylock]
Carl: [Offscreen] Get off the tower!
Frylock: No!
[Back Inside]
Carl: Uh... He won't come down.

Meatwad: Hey Frylock, what's a handjob, because I'm about to get one.


[first lines]
Ezekiel: Daddy?
Carl: Next door, jackass. [slams door]
[Ezekiel knocks on the Aqua Teens' door, and Shake answers]
Ezekiel: Daddy!
Master Shake: No, no! You're, uh... you're probably thinking the guy next door. Big, fat guy; you take care.
[Ezekiel starts to walk back towards Carl's house; Carl racks a sawnoff shotgun; Ezekiel runs away.]
Carl: That's right, get lost!

Master Shake: You gotta wash your hands before you pick a baby up. He can see the bacteria burning into his flesh!

[Seeing Master Shake's kid]
Meatwad: Awww, is that your bastard?

Master Shake: Look, yes, I have banged hundreds of broads, internationally, but know this, I wrap my rascal TWO times cause I like it to be joyless and without sensation, as a way of punishing supermodels.

Ezekiel: Daddy no want me! I'm gonna take a bus to Reno!
Frylock: Oh no, that won't do.

Ezekiel: Yay, security at the mall! I'm gonna shine a flashlight!

Meatwad: I wanna name you Jesus... Ezekial... Jesus, and that's from the bible.

[In slow motion, as Ezekial's basketball sails to the goal]
Master Shake: Get in that net you crazy whore!

Master Shake: Why do you disappoint me? [Ezekiel starts crying] Second by second, you waste my time.
Frylock: Shake Shake Shake, lets just have some fun out here, okay?
Master Shake: Why? He sucks. C'mon Suck-y, before you ruin the entirety of my future.
Frylock: Shake--
Master Shake: The only reason God doesn't erase you from the face of the Earth is because you amuse him somehow.

Meatwad: (playing basketball) Feed me the rock, I'm down low!
Frylock: (Referring to Ezekiel) Meatwad, your man's free over there! Get on your man!
Meatwad:(Rolls up to Dewy, a paper towel tube with a face drawn on it) Shut up, boy! I got my man boxed in over here! You deal with your own business!
Ezekiel: I wanna play racecar...

[Carl sees Master Shake in his car with a hose connected from the exhaust pipe to the car interior]
Carl: Shake! Shake! Wake up! What are you doin'?
Master Shake: [weakly] My son...he doesn't listen.
Carl: [angrily] Look, whatever. Get outta my car. It's freakin' three bucks a gallon--how long have you been running this engine? What, you think I should pay for this?!?
Master Shake: No...
Carl: Yeah, that's right. You're dead, you don't have to worry about it. Meanwhile, your bowels are leakin' all over the dash, stainin' my shag carpet. That's freakin' authentic red pleather, that ain't cheap.
Master Shake: Yeah...
[Carl throws Master Shake out of his car and onto the street]
Carl: Smells like friggin exhaust You know why I had car wash people put cocoa butter smell in there? Because I want prostitutes to feel welcome. I don't want them to feel like it's a death trap.
[piano music plays]
Master Shake: I'm sorry, Carl. It appears I failed you as well.
Carl: Look, I'm sorry. I should not have unloaded on you like that. [puts a steak knife in Master Shake's hand] Here's a steak knife. Go kill yourself on your lawn.

Chess Dragon: [in a computerized voice] King-E-2-to-E-3.
Ezekiel: Bishop E5 to D4. Check.
Chess Dragon: King-E-3-to-E-103. [seeing that he has lost, the Chess Dragon knocks over a bunch of Ezekiel's pieces]
Ezekiel: You can't do that! That square does not exist! That is a blatant violation of the governing rules!
Chess Dragon: King-S-U-C-to-K-I-T.

[The Chess Dragon angrily storms out of the house]
Meatwad: All right! Yeah, 'Zeke! Ain't nobody never beat Chess Dragon. Not even me, and I'm retarded.
Frylock: This little guy beat Chess Dragon?
Master Shake: That's right! My son, my seed, hath slain the shess dragonnnn!
Frylock: Yeah, about that...the test results came back. He's not your son. I know you've never had sex.
Master Shake: Oh, please, hehe, I've hit that.
Frylock: ...Hit what?
Master Shake: ...Booty?

Frylock: I checked your DNA when you were passed out in Carl's car. There was no match. In fact, Zeek is older than you are!
Ezekiel: I'm four-thousand years old!
Master Shake: Riiiiiiight, like there's TWO talking milk-shakes!

(Chess Dragon breaks through the roof, and flies off carrying Ezekiel)

Ezekiel: Flying! Flying! I'm having an adventure!
Frylock: There were......

Master Shake: (during a game of basketball) (Blatantly hits Frylock) Personal foul! I can't believe you did that! This is supposed to be a friendly game, you asshole!

Carl Wash

Meatwad: [Meatwad is reading through job ads] Hey, here's one. "Looking for dollars? Are you gullible, and stupid, as hell? You may qualify to be part of our dangerous experiment. Bring your resume, wallet, social security, ATM, and all credit cards to Carl's Car Wash. Minorities need not apply, or we gonna sue your balls to the wall." ...That sounds promising.
Master Shake: That job is perfect for you.

Meatwad: Ah no, all these shapes, just freakin' hurtin' my kidneys. Why-why can't people just like me for me.
Master Shake: But sadly, no one does. Not even the president. He's a great guy though.

[Carl is getting his car washed]
Meatwad: Oh, here we go. This is the first part of our patented three step treatment. [Garbage juice from a dumpster is poured on Carl's car]
Carl: Ya that kinda looks like you're just sorta slingin' dirt on it.
Meatwad: Well that-what that actually is is dumpster juice, which is sort of a combination of rain water and garbage; very acidic. Very harsh on the paint job.
Carl: And uh, why are we doing this again?
Meatwad: It's just a precoat. I mean, obviously we need to prep the outer coat for, you know, the cat urine. [Cats are lowered and shaken and their urine spreads on Carl's car] And of course the hammers. [A rotating hammer device is lowered, destroying Carl's car]
Carl: What the f*** are you doin'!?
Meatwad: Look Carl, lets just lay back down and relax okay [Meatwad puts on a gas mask and gas blows in through a vent]
Carl: Whadda? Whadda?
Meatwad: Lets allow the mystery gas to do its work. [Carl sighs as he is drugged] And don't worry, we totally redo the paint [Two cans of green and yellow spray paint are lowered and start spraying Carl's car] in a color of our own choosing.
Carl: Ehh, whatever. I'm easy.
(A shadow falls over him)
Carl Brain: Hello, Carl. I too, am Carl. And this is my son, Carl Jr.
Carl Jr: (vague jabbering)
Carl Brain: We are all Carl.
Carl: ...neat.
Carl Brain: Yes. Neat. Remove his brain!

Frylock: Where's Carl's brain?
Carl Brain: I am Carl Brain.
Carl: Carl...
Frylock: No, Carl's brain.
Carl Brain: I am Carl Brain.
Carl: Carl...
Frylock: No no no no no, different-different Carl, okay!?
Carl Brain: ...I am Carl Brain.
Frylock: My friend Carl! His brain!
Carl: Carl...
Carl Brain: Behind you.
Master Shake: Is that Carl's brain? Over there, on the expressway?
Carl Brain: Beware, for it will immediately seize you upon my command, and your mind will be enslaved to forever...polish the chrome at this wash...Car Wash.
Frylock: ...This is retarded.
Carl Jr: Oh! He called you retarded daddy!
Carl Brain: Stop him! At once! (pause) From calling me retarded!
Carl Jr: Too late, he got away with it.

Season 5

Robots Everywhere

Robot Dad: WE live here now!
Robot Kids: Yay!
Robot Dad: Who are you?
Carl: Well I'm thee uh...I'm thee, real-a-tor... and I gotta say, I'm puttin' my foot down. I need proof of uh... you know-you gotta job, man?
Robot Dad: I have no credit, no savings, and I'm between opportunities.
Robot Mom: But I must warn you, he is lazy...
Robot Dad: ...Extremely lazy

Markula: Carl, have you seen the deadbeats around? You know, "the food".
Carl: No, they left in the middle of the night.
Markula: That's because I had demons drag them off into the night. I'm not going to fix a gas leak for them. At this very moment they are being cocooned by military spiders in a cave in the Mojave Desert. That's what I do to a-holes. But not you [the robots]. I would never do that to you. You're free to stay here forever and ever. [Transforms into a bat] Now, feast! [leaves]
Carl: Feast on what, man?
Robot Dad: Oh boy! Invisible robot meat! My favorite.
Robot Mom: Look kids! Invisible robot meat!
Robot Kids: Robot meat! Robot meat! Robot meat!
Carl: ...All right, if you need anything [holds a flame to the gas leak setting the house on fire] do not-do not come next door.

[The robots are in Carl's house while he sleeps]
Robot Dad: Carl...Carl...Hey Carl...CARL!
Carl: AH!!!
Robot Dad: We can't sleep.
Robot Mom: Can you?
Carl: Get outta my friggin' house!
Robot Dad: No, I want some water.
Robot Mom: Yes, we all want water.
Robot Kids: Yay! Water! Water! Water!
Carl: Fine, fine! Get some in the bathroom and then get out of here!
Robot Dad: [pause] Robots don't drink water. Use your brain. You failed test #1.
Carl: What're you talkin' about man?
Robot Dad: You will pass or else [dramatic music plays].
Carl: Or else what?[the robot shoots Carl's right shoulder hair off] Ah! My shoulder hair!
Robot Dad: Come on kids. Chubby is grumpy.
Robot Kid: Chubby's grumpy.
Carl: Whoa whoa whoa, do the other one. At least make it even [the robot shoots Carl's left shoulder hair off] Ah! Now get outta here!

[The Aqua Teens' voice answering machine]
Frylock: Hi this is Frylock. Sorry, we can't come to the phone right now as we're currently being cocooned by military spiders in the Mojave Desert. At the sound of the tone-
Shake: "At the 'sound' of the tone"? Wouldn't it just be "at the tone"?
Frylock: Shut up Shake. I like to be thorough.

Robot Dad: Apply the diodes!
[The Robot Mom puts a donut on Carl's head]
Robot Dad: You will feel no pain.
Robot Mom: You will feel no pain.
Robot Dad: But you must sit very still.
Robot Mom: You must sit very still.
Robot Dad: Ring the bell when the flies come.
Robot Mom: Ring the bell when the flies come!
Carl: Okay, is this a test?
Robot Dad: Yeah its a test, sure. See you in one hour.
[A bee flies over to Carl]
Carl: Ok, I got a bee. Does a bee count?
Robot Dad:, only flies.
Robot Mom: Only flies!
Robot Dad: We have had legendary arguments with flies!

Carl: I still got one more test here. I got a test, uh, for you.
Robot Dad: Well, we don't take tests.
Carl: Yeah, but this one's supereasy. It's called..."count the bullets."
Robot Dad: Well, we're not good at math.
(Carl pulls out a Minigun and shoots the robots for twelve seconds)
Robot Dad: 15,943. Do more! More! They're like vitamins to us.
Carl: Yeah? (Carl keeps shooting through the end of the show)


[Carl is looking at porn on the Internet]
Carl: Ah yeah. Yes, you are a cheerleader aren't you? An enormous 300 pound cheerleader. Yeah...not too many cheerleaders with missing teeth, but okay, I'll go with the fantasy. Yeah, yeah, get the mascot involved. The one in the bear outfit. Man, I am so desensitized it's just gotta be completely bananas to get me off.

Carl: Uh let's be frank that gas leak is going to kill anyone who tries to live in here...
Markula: I'm not fixing that gas leak

Carl: All right, I mean, are you dead set on that price? I mean, 20 grand a month man.
Markula: I need that money. The cost of blood is going up. I need to feed.
Carl: Yeah, you keep throwing around words like "blood" and "feed". I mean, feed what man?
Markula: Never you mind. I've said too much already. Oh, I'm so stupid. Stupid!

[Carl gets drunk and dances and scats Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean" in order to get laid by the Sirens]
The Sirens: [singing] We do not like it.
John Kruk: That uh, That pretty much means they don't like it Carl.
Carl: Oh c'mon! What do I gotta do here?
John Kruk: Here, take this knife and cut off your nipples and feed them to the sisters. Like grapes.
Carl: Okay. No, I'm not doing that.
John Kruk: Oh c'mon man. You know you're drunk.
Carl: Yeah, you're right. [cuts off his nipples] And good thing too or I would totally feel this
John Kruk: Okay, now throw them in the sewer.
Carl: I thought you said-
John Kruk: You thought what?! That you're stupid? You're so stupid! That's for hitting me with the battery in Shea you asshole!
Carl: So, they don't want them?
John Kruk: Dude, who would want them? Dogs don't even want them.

Couples Skate

[Carl is on the phone with Markula, while Paul screams and destroys the Aqua Teens' house]
Markula: Why have you disturbed my slumber at this hour?
Carl: Do you hear that? Listen...
Markula: Yes, and it is beautiful.
Carl: Uh, not to me man. And I called the cops, and they uh... took one look... and kept driving.
Markula: You leave my tennant alone!
Carl: He's screaming his head off over there! I'm about to get my balls up there and uh... make it my business.
Markula: With what? You can't stop him. He will shred you like a sheet.
Carl: Yeah, he definitely has me on weight.
[Paul tears a recliner asunder]
Carl: Oh my God...
Markula: Listen... just give him a couple days. He's going through a difficult custody battle.
Paul: Stupid bitch!
Carl: Just so you know, he's ripping all the copper out of your house, and just hauled ass down the street.
Paul: That bitch! Got the minivan and the damn convertible!
Markula: Oh, he's probably just getting some money for a fix.

[Carl and Markula are standing in front of the Aqua Teen's destroyed house]
Carl: You see that? Look at that!
Markula: See what?
Carl: THAT!
Markula: No I don't see what. Everything is fine Carl, just relax. They're only kids.
Carl: They're just- No there's one of them and he's a freaking monster!
Markula: He's not a monst- shhhhh.
Carl: I can talk when I want where I wan-
[Carl turns to see Paul standing directly beind him]
Carl: I mean uh... yeah... I don't know... uh... yeah... I was talking about this guy at work, he's a monster...
Paul: What does she even need two cars for?!
Markula: Oh, Paul, good morning, and how was your fix? Did you ride the white horse?
Paul: What did you do to my house?!
Markula: Carl, what did you do to Paul's house?
Carl: Look here! I'm getting, uh... I'm uh... I'm having a city, uh... ordinance... neighborhood watch... I'm gonna uh... make some stuff happen, and you better...
Markula: You're so mad.
Carl: You clean it up at your own pace, because I know you're big, but...
Markula: Hahahahaha! No one likes you!
Carl: I'm so pissed off!

Markula: Fryman, this could all go away if you would simply pay me for October...and you fix the gas leak!
Shake: I'm not fixing that gas leak for me or anyone else, you son of a bitch!
Frylock: Save it Shake.
Markula: Yes, save it, for tomorrow it won't matter when we play pin the tail on the Shake, and we bob for meatballs, and then we'll play ignore the Fryman.
Meatwad: I'm playin' that game right now.

[Markula gives Carl an invitation to his 4040th birthday party]
Markula: Lordy Lordy! Look who's turning 4040! [pause] What? You don't RSVP?
Carl: Well, you just handed this to me.

Markula: I told you no phones! You're just making me look stupid!


Meatwad:Terence you have my heart and Terence you have mah soul. Terence you ate a bug today, he's no longer moving. You spit him out, his shell don't taste good. But you ate part of his brain. This is home, this is mean streets.
Shake:It is time.

Shake: A lot of time, these Korean capacitors can't take this many ohms, and then double the problems when you're trying to defrost somebody's kitty cat in there.

Shake: (Sees a glow in the backyard) Look, the first firefly of the Summer Solstice! Fetch my royal net! (Goes back to see no one but Carl) Oh, hey...
Carl: Yeah. (Starts walking to his house, leaving something glowing in the bush)
Shake: You dropped something.
Carl: It's okay, I don't need it anymore.
Shake: What if it's a golden egg?
Carl: Hey, how 'bout you crack it open with your teeth and see if it is?
(Shake bites it open, but finds a horrible taste)
Shake: Eww, it's not!
Carl: (Laughs) Sucker!

Frylock: He was a fine pet, good friend, and he was very cherished and...what was he?
Meatwad: It's a she, thank you, and his name was Terrence.
Frylock: Oh, sorry, Meatwad, yes, she, and now she's gone. Her life (sniffle) snuffed out in its prime — oh, my God, what is that smell?
Shake: I'll tell you what. It's called Carl. Right where he dropped that deuce!

Shake: You're not gonna be able to stop him now.
Frylock: What do you mean?
Meatwad: It's called Reedickyoulous. Ain't you never seen the ad on TV? "Hey, baby, come by to pick you up later," only it ain't "pick" they sayin'. It's another word that sounds like "pick", but it's like an inverted p at the beginning, so, you know, it's a different word that sounds like "pick", but it ain't the word "pick". It's a different word...
Frylock: I get it, I get it.
Shake: Then get it — get me one.
Frylock: What does it do?
Shake: It lengthens, hardens, girthens, straightens, satisfies, and fully pleasures your crotch.
Frylock: It doesn't look safe.
Shake: It's not — they've been sued many times, but women don't get turned on by safe. They crave danger.
Meatwad: Yeah, they want a man who'll try anything, no matter how disreputable the company.

(Carl's Reedickyoulous is running loudly throughout)
Shake: Hey, check that out!
(Mr. Sparkles is in the microwave)
Meatwad: What?
Shake: Yeah, I know! You're sad about it, right?
Meatwad: (still can't hear) What?
Shake: Hold on. (holds up post-it reading, "Your Cat — Dead!!" Meatwad writes one saying, "It's your cat, not mine.") Mr. Sparkles! (Sparkles explodes in microwave)
Meatwad: What?

Phone message: If you experience symptoms such as gleaming feces, luminescent groin flesh, or ghosts are escaping out of your anus, please press 1.

Frylock: Look at this! It's melted straight through the floor!
Shake: Don't bring that shit in my house!
Frylock: The radioactive mercury isotopes are off the charts. Do you know what this means?
Shake: Yeah. It means new carpets, bitch!
Frylock: Hell yeah, it does! Gimme some!

Shake: Let's all smoke some cigarettes to celebrate.
Frylock: No, Shake! The gas leak!
Shake: All right, Mom!

Shake: (now a zombie) Bow down to the king of ape sex!
(Frylock slices off Shake's top — from the nose up — with a battle axe)
Frylock: I'm sorry you had to see that, Meatwad, but in order to kill a zombie, you have to separate the brain from the spine.
Shake: (bottom portion standing up) I just heard, like, a pop, did you hear that?
Frylock: Goddamn Wikipedia!

Hoppy Bunny

Frylock: What's your point?
Shake: I never had one. And that just drives you crazy, doesn't it?

Shake: (with Frylock's back jewel, rising into the air) I have the power of a thousand suns!
(Later, in a pawn shop)
Shake: A good twenty on this.
Clerk: Twelve.

Laser Lenses

Shake: [To Carl] Yo, chubbs! Hey, hairball!
Carl: [Puzzled] Okay? You taking to me, there?
Shake: You spin around and direct your attention to me!
Meatwad: You had your cholesterol checked recently? You probably got a heart condition coming on. [chuckles] Oh yeah!
Carl: You're serious?
Shake: Yes, big boy.
Carl: What, you got, uh... you got a death wish or something, here?
Shake: I'm gonna hop in my pool right now and do a few laps, and when I get out, you had better, if you know what's good for you, have a warm towel for me, hot out of the dryer, and I mean hot! I will not say it again, so if I were you, I'd get those cottage-cheese thighs moving to the laundry room, and eat a salad once in a while. But time is money...
Meatwad: Time is money! You give us some money!
Shake: And my time right now is devoted to laps.
Meatwad: Hey, you told him man. You told him!
Shake: Yeah, I know that I did. It's just so easy.
Carl: I'm gonna tell you Milkshake, you mouth is really writing checks your cup can't cash.
Shake: Is that right? Well why don't you deposit this in your bank of choice! [Shoots hole in the side of Carl's house] Boom!
Carl: No!
Shake: You take it!
Carl: The breakfast nook!
Shake: Yeah!
Carl: With the whole Tuscan theme!

Carl: What has gotten into you cup? did you put fertilizer on your balls last night?
Shake: Yes..... but that is none of your concern, and to clarify, you will speak when spoken to.
Carl: No I think I speak when I want, its a free country Jack!
Shake: Oh you like to be free huh?, well feel free, to feel your ass burn!

[Shake fires lasers at Carl]]

Carl: AAAAAAAAaaaahhhhhhh.
Shake: So young.... so naive.

[Carl is emerging from his house, which is on fire]
Carl: OK, I'm coming out, I'm coming out, I'm coming out, please don't - [Shake fires lasers at Carl's feet]] I told you not to shoot! Come on!
Shake: Is this a game to you?
Carl: It's not! It's not! Please!
Shake: Because it is to me! [Shake fires lasers at bags of take-out food Carl is holding]]
Carl: AHHHH! Look, I ordered the Mongolian beef like you said! It was combination 79, I got the menu right here - you circled it!
Shake: And I changed my mind before they got here!
Carl: Look, we can re-order!
Shake: I was to receive multiple little corn-cobs, and that is not what I got!
Carl: That aint neccesary! [Shake shoots Carl with lasers]
Carl: [Carl screams in pain] Relax, OK! We... we... we... we... we can re-order!
Shake: Your time is running out my friend.

Shake: I'm gonna catch some z's and for your sake I hope it doesn't rain... and Carl, when I get up the sheets had better be different. Because your Lawrence Taylor linen set is not a sexual turn-on... when I'm jerkin' off in your bed.

(After Frylock discovers that Master Shake has his contacts)
Frylock: Shake, wait. You can't overuse them. They'll do serious damage to your eyes.
Shake: Wow. You know what? (zaps Frylock) BOOYA! I will totally annihilate that bridge when I come to it, and, I'm not real happy about your tone right now.

Dummy Love

Carl: WHO IS HANDING OUT FREE DUMMIES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!!! If it's that Mormon kid, I swear to God!

The Marines

Adverteisnemt:"ATHFMFCFTFTFSFDVD,Now On DVD.Also Albivble:ATHF:Zombie Ninja Pro-Am&AHTF Season5.

Bible Fruit

Master Shake: Uh, hello? What are you doing over there without me?
Frylock: I'm updating my MySpace page.
Master Shake: Well, I'm about to update your MyFace page with my ass unless you get in there and read us a story!

Master Shake: Look. I'm about to whip it out. And I'm going to urinate all over this room and you will wish that I did not ingest all that asparagus.
Frylock: All right, go ahead. Whip it out.
Master Shake: He wants to come out and punish you.
Meatwad: Go on. Show him.
Master Shake: Oh I will. In private. Because there's not enough room in here.

Master Shake: I'm making a mojito. Everyone...who would like a mojito.
Frylock: You know we only have one glass, Shake. Keep you nasty mouth off of it, okay? Save it for our guests. For them to share.
Master Shake: Someone wants a knife fight. Someone I'm looking at.
Frylock: You sincerely mean that.
Master Shake: Maybe I do. I just don't like the way you boss me.
Frylock: You just calm down, all right? And don't say something like that in front of my friends.

Carl: All right, this ain't happening. I'll see you fruits later.
Master Shake: Wawaa...wawaa...wait, wait, my wingman! C'mon! One of them is a woman.
Carl: You poke it at her and figure it out. I have standards!

Master Shake: Oh yeah? I'm having friends over too and believe me when I tell you my friends will hurt your friends! They're gonna call them names and beat the ever-loving-sweet crap out of them!

Meatwad: Why don't you ask that TV if he'd mind showing me some Futurama? I like me some Futurama.
Master Shake: Well, now we're too damn cheap to receive it, so go the hell over to Carl Central and watch it to your heart's content.
Meatwad: Carl gets Futurama?
Master Shake: He didn't even want it until we started watching it.

Tammy Tangerine: Right, Bert? Remember that Bert? Bert! Remember how hard you would hit me?
Bert Banana: As hard as I could. As long as I could. Frankly, all the hitting drained me. I had to go to the hospital and have my hands replaced. I was too high. Too out of my mind! And known I had ruined my hands hitting her. But those days are over. No crack for me. No beating my fiancé. No strangling drifters for sex. No! No more. 'Cause Jesus lives in my heart. Yaaay...Jesus!

Bert Banana: Interesting...interesting. Tell me this: have you read King Kong?
Frylock: Uh, no.
Bert Banana: You have, okay, and you believe that don't you?

Bert Banana: OK, but before you answer that, just go ahead and pour me...a little bit of a full glass of that rum.

Mortimer Mango: Bert, you've been sober for 47 straight days (pouring rum down the sink)
Frylock: Hey, God****it, that's my rum! You don't have to pour it down the sink, man!
Mortimer Mango: We're going to do it together. Right, Bert?
Bert Banana: You don't have a monkey wrench, do you?
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, I know what you're thinking and...
Bert Banana: What, I'm not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. Heh...that's what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet)
Bert Banana: Damnit, Mortimer, you're diluting it!

Bert Banana: Get out of my way you orange whore! (throws Tammy Tangerine)
Frylock (to Mortimer): Hold that thought.
Bert Banana: Stupid! Someone unscrew these pipes or I will shoot myself tonight! I will do it this time!
Tammy Tangerine: No, honey, don't!
Mortimer Mango (to Frylock): Don't worry. This is...this happens...a lot. And I have his gun.
Bert Banana: God! ****! Son of a...!
Tammy Tangerine: No honey don't!
Bert Banana: Useless...surgically attached...banana hands!
Tammy Tangerine (to Frylock): I'm so sorry. We're not normally not like this.
Bert Banana: Okay. All right I see and now you want sex with the fries. Is that it? Yeah, tell him some more lies! That's what you're good at! Lies from the wolf!
Tammy Tangerine: I'm sorry, Bert.
Bert Banana: Yes, you are...a sorry sack of tangerine bitch. Go do him! I'll watch! Do it before thine eyes!
Tammy Tangerine: Oh Bert, please don't hit me!
Bert Banana: Then get the liquor faster.
Frylock: Well, ya'll make yourself at home. I need to go get some uh...
Bert Banana: Son of a...damn it!
Frylock: Ah f*** it. I just need to go.

Bert Banana: Come on, give me just a little bit of that booger sugar.
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, no.
Bert Banana: I'll make you feel real good with my mouth.
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, calm down...
Bert Banana: I will not calm down until cocaine enters my system!

Mortimer Mango (to Frylock): Oh good, you're still here., wow. So before you mentioned you were into science.
Frylock: Yeah man.
Mortimer Mango: Yeah that must be a fun job.
Frylock: Look, I don't have any cocaine.
Mortimer Mango: I was not going to ask you for cocaine, sir.
Frylock: Good. Then I don't have to answer it.
Mortimer Mango: Well I used to be an addict. I mean it was terrible. Do you see this? (shows missing fingers) I was building a birdhouse on drugs and I lost two fingers. I feverishly wanted to finish it and I wasn't making sound decisions.
Frylock: Remember my roommate, the cup you met earlier? He's filled with crystal meth.
Mortimer Mango: Oh cool. Thanks!

Mortimer Mango (to Bert and Tammy): Everybody split up! We have to find the cup! The cup has the drugs!
Tammy Tangerine: The cup?!
Bert Banana: The cup?!
Mortimer Mango: There's crystal meth in the cup!
Tammy Tangerine: Filled with magic.
Bert Banana: I saw the cup. It's in the back. Go after him! Get that cup!
Tammy Tangerine: Get him!

Meatwad (holding wires and sitting on a tire): All right, so, how do I do it now?
Frylock: Are you grounded?
Meatwad: Yep.
Frylock: Okay, good. Now touch the red wire to the green wire.
Meatwad: Okay, but what, what about Shake? [In the window, Bert is going after Shake with an axe]
Frylock: What about him?
Meatwad: Heh, that's what I said, yo. Ba-ba-boom!
[Meatwad touches the wires toghether; the house explodes]

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters Trailer

[everyone talks in reverse]
Master Shake: Get out of my way! I need oxygen!
Frylock: We all need oxygen!
Master Shake: Yeah, well, I need it first.
Meatwad: What's oxygen?
Master Shake: It comes from the sand, so shut up!

Dr. Weird: My father built this castle. He said that Weirds would live here for generations. AND NOW IT'S BEING TURNED INTO FUCKING LOFTS!!!
Chicken Bittle: Right on! Yeah!

Time Lincoln: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. No one will catch Time Lincoln!

[Presses his hat down and begins to teleport]

First C.I.A. Agent: Shoot him before he transports!
Time Lincoln: NO ONE! EVER!!

[Time Lincoln is shot in the neck and he falls over]

First C.I.A. Agent: Oh great. You just had to shoot didn't cha? Way to change the future.
Second C.I.A. Agent: What do you mean?

[The camera pulls away and we see the white C.I.A. Agents strapped to an ox cart. Their T-shirts read "Slavery Rules" and on top of the ox cart is their black slave master]

Slave Master: Pull Whitey, pull!

(Master Shake tries to pick up a sharp child's toy and has his hand chopped off in the process)
Master Shake: Hey, can I have (hand gets chopped off) Woah!

Master Shake: Why don't you get this with your lips. I'm referring to my anus.

Ignignokt: Digital gold cascades from our square bladders.

Carl: Linda, I care about you. I respect you. So where uh.. where am I gonna do you?

Chicken Bittle: All right listen up! When we hit the ground, I want everyone to spread out in a 3-meter stance, wait for air backup, and then we're going to- [Chicken Bittle screams as he is eaten by a lion].

Frylock:Oh, this is Meatwad's concert tour: "Girl Quest 2005.
Meatwad:Read the T-shirt, fool. (T-shirt says "Girl Quest 2007")

Dr. Weird: Randy! Turn your fucking stereo down!

Oglethorpe: (after stealing the Aqua Teen's house key to get the Insane-O-Flex) Yay!
Oglethorpe: I told you dudes! We needed the machine! How many times did I say that?!
Emory: Zero. You said it none times.

Oglethorpe: [Sees Aqua Teen members walking towards them] Oh Scheiße! Quick everyone make out and kiss hard, like you mean it!
Oglethorpe, Emory and the Cybernetic Ghost are all making out in the hallway. The Aqua Teens walk by.
Master Shake: Hey! Get a room.
Aqua Teens walk off
Master Shake: Did you hear what I said? I said get a room. He he he.
Cybernetic Ghost: Phew! That was very close.
Oglethorpe: Yeah we were. Very close. [Oglethorpe starts stroking the Cybernetic Ghost] You know, you're a good kisser.
The Cybernetic Ghost and Oglethorpe start making out again

Err: Eat that motherfuckers! And here's dessert!

[Ignignokt throws up on a roller coaster]

Ignignokt: My nutrients! Retrieve them at once!

Cybernetic Ghost: I can feel it coming in the air tonight. I've been waiting for this moment all my life.

Frylock: This is unbelievable.
Shake: I know. My tan fell off! $49.00 straight down the crapper!

Dr. Weird: Fucking sandals!

Master Shake: Now this square is the... man.
Meatwad: Ok.
Master Shake: This circle here, that's a uterus.
Meatwad: That's what it looks like?
Master Shake: Up close yes this is lifelike drawing of the uterus. See the guy takes the car after his job to pick up the uterus at her house...
Meatwad: Mmhmm.
Master Shake: because she doesn't work unless she's sweeping up something.
Meatwad: Well... and where do they go?
Master Shake: All the way... to a hotel... which definitely has cable... and that's where this trapezoid becomes hmm shall we say... hahaha entangled with the exposed and aerated crotches.
Meatwad: And that there is the exposed crotches?
Master Shake: I told you that's the chair and the spatula.
Meatwad: I knew it.
Master Shake: Congratulate yourself my friend... you have just been laid.
Meatwad: Ooh... that feels good.
Master Shake: Yeah, I never tire of it.

[Dr. Weird addresses the Aqua Teens and Chicken Bittle]
Dr. Weird: You have all been created for a very ridiculous purpose.

(As a bulked-up Carl is chained onto a bed, his girlfriend reveals himself to be Dr. Weird. He brandishes a very painful looking instrument.)
Dr Weird: This is going to hurt... A LOT! Oh, don't cry. You've been such a good boy, I'm going to let you have a lolly! Now lick it!

(Master Shake tries to pick up the same toy that chopped off his hand earlier, and his other hand is cut off.)
Master Shake: Forget it, I don't want it.

Frylock: We're gonna have to go back in time.
Master Shake: [aiming a gun at Oglethorpe] ...And kill his parents.
Oglethorpe: No! Don't do that! They're in Florida!

Frylock: All women are beautiful... on the inside.
Master Shake: Yeah, I know, I've been inside them.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song

My name is... Shake-Zula, The mic-rula, The old schoolah, Ya wanna trip?I'll bring it to ya. Frylock and I'm on top, Rock you like a cop Meatwad you up next with the knock-knock. Meatwad make the money, see. Meatwad get the honeys, G. Drivin in my car, livin' like a star, Ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus.

Check it. Check it, check it.

'Cuz we are the aqua teens, make the homies say ho! and the girlies wanna scream 'Cuz we are the aqua teens, make the homies say ho! and the girlies wanna scream

Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Number 1 in the Hood, G

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-Am

Carl: (At Shake's funeral) Oh, why? Why is it always the best people... that gotta take time out of their day... to see dumbasses get buried?

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