Arrested Development (TV series)

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You never enjoy the world aright, till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens and crowned with the stars.
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Arrested Development was a character-driven comedy television series about a wealthy but dysfunctional family that aired on FOX for three seasons. The show is presented like a documentary, complete with narration, archival photos and historical footage.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Michael: I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office.
Buster: Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.

Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account.
[The others gasp]
Michael: Interesting. I would’ve expected that after "They’re keeping Dad in jail."

Top Banana [1.2]

George Sr.: This is my vacation, Michael.
Michael: You're doing time, Dad.
George Sr.: I'm doing the time... of my life!

G.O.B.: I should be in charge. I’m the older brother.
Michael: Do you even want to be in charge?
Gob: No... but I’d like to be asked!

Bringing Up Buster [1.3]

George Sr.: [regarding Buster] Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I — I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know... a little doughy... I dunno. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe. Maybe I just ignored the guy. [the camera slow zooms out to show Buster sitting between Michael and George Sr.]
Buster: [After yawning for a long time] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

G.O.B.: Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away... but I won't be happy.
Michael: It's personal.

Key Decisions [1.4]

Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.
Michael: You're wearing ostrich-skin boots.
Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches.

Lucille Bluth: I'll be in the hospital bar.
Michael: Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.
Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

Visiting Ours [1.5]

G.O.B.: Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No: glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
G.O.B.: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
G.O.B.: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

George Sr.: I just haven't had sex in a month.
Michael: You know, you've been here two months.
George Sr.: It's hard to gauge time.
Michael: Yeah, I'll bet.

Charity Drive [1.6]

Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.
Lindsay: The wetlands.
Michael: To do what with them?
Lindsay: Dry them.
Michael: Save them.
Lindsay: From drying.

Lindsay: Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael.

In God We Trust [1.7]

[at the prison]
Barry Zuckerkorn: Are all the guys in here... you know? [referencing gay inmates]
George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, not all of them.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope.
George Sr.: Hope?
Barry Zuckerkorn: Think.

Lucille: Oh, what'd she do, get you drunk?
Michael: No, we just, uh, well... we — we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?
Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, "He will if I get him drunk." Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh... her words.

My Mother, The Car [1.8]

Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?
Lucille: Like it was yesterday.
Michael: It was this morning.

Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.
Michael: I can live with that.

Storming the Castle [1.9]

Buster: And I'm going to continue dating, Mom.
Michael: It sounds a little bit like "dating Mom."
Buster: It's starting to feel a little like it.

Michael: Since when are you against leather?
Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware they don't remove it surgically, right?

Pier Pressure [1.10]

Lucille: [to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

Maeby: [working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.
Lucille: Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.

Public Relations [1.11]

Jessie: We need to make Michael the new face of the Bluth company. He's the only likable one in the bunch, no offense.
Michael: None taken.

Jessie: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out.
[Everyone looks at Tobias]
Tobias: You said single, right? She said single.

Marta Complex [1.12]

G.O.B.: Oh, I see. She wants to talk to you. For some reason women feel safe around you. Maybe it's because you've only had sex four times.
Michael: Not four times, four women! And they talk to me because I talk to them!

Lucille 2: Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.
Buster: Our relationship doesn't work?
Lucille 2: No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother.
Buster: It is exactly the opposite. I'm leaving my mother for you. You're replacing my mother.

Beef Consommé [1.13]

Barry Zuckerkorn: It would help if you would all show up looking like a loving, supportive family.
Lucille: For how long?
Barry Zuckerkorn: Ten minutes tops.
Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.

G.O.B.: [to Michael] Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. I'll give you that.

Shock and Aww [1.14]

Lindsay: It's George Michael, he told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well that's ridiculous. He's got you, he's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

Lucille: I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.
Michael: Yeah. That udder's been dry for a while though, hasn't it?

Staff Infection [1.15]

Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.
Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

Missing Kitty [1.16]

George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to — she's crazy.
George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

Lindsay: Where's Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74. She tried pesto for the first time. Imagine that, 92 years old and she never tried pesto. It was wonderful. Just wonderful.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.

Altar Egos (1) [1.17]

Michael: I'm not a one-night stand kinda guy, I don't like lying to women.
G.O.B.: These are lawyers. That's Latin for liar.

Michael: Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman.
G.O.B.: Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.
Narrator: But he really didn't.
G.O.B.: Yes, I did.

Justice is Blind (2) [1.18]

G.O.B.: And now you love the Ten Commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, G.O.B.

Maggie: So, what about us? We were starting to establish some trust. Except for all the lies.

Best Man for the GOB [1.19]

G.O.B.: I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?
Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

Whistler’s Mother' [1.20]

Lucille: Buster's jaw clicks when he eats. I think it's what's driving his friends away. I sent him to Canada for an operation, so I'll need some of that new money that just came in.
Michael: You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really going to help him, you ought to have them finally cut that cord.

George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

Not Without My Daughter [1.21]

Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.

Let ‘Em Eat Cake [1.22]

G.O.B.: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary?
George Sr.: My secretary.
Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.
G.O.B.: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have G.O.B. [bleep] our way out of it."

Season 2

The One Where Michael Leaves [2.1]

G.O.B.: I’ve got the proof, Michael. Dad’s signed contract with Saddam.
Buster: [whispers] Hussein.

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised...
[falls off the bed]
Tobias ... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

The One Where They Build A House [2.2]

Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake.
Michael: You volunteered him.
Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

Lucille: I want you out of the house.
Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.

Amigos [2.3]

Michael: We have a private eye, huh?
Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.
Michael: Well, he can’t be very good then.

Narrator: Buster was finding himself right at home.
Buster: Oh, my God! I used to have a shirt just like that.
Narrator: It was Buster’s old shirt. Lucille had given it to Lupe.
Buster: And the hand chair! I had one in my room! I wonder where that went.
Narrator: It went right there.

Good Grief [2.4]

Maeby: Is there any way I can divorce them?
Barry: Oh, sure. It’s called emancipation. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment.
Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course, they haven’t succeeded yet.

Lindsay: You know, it’s funny, all those years when I pretended to cry I used to use Dad’s death to get me going. I tried it with Mom’s, but I’d just end up smiling and ruining it.

Sad Sack [2.5]

Oscar: God willing, he’ll fail boot camp.
Michael: Well, why wouldn’t he? He already failed day camp.

G.O.B.: I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.
Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

Afternoon Delight [2.6]

Lindsay: No, you’re not going to that. You see, if I show up with you, it’ll just make me seem like I’m a mother.
Maeby: I’ve never thought of you that way.
Lindsay: That’s sweet.

G.O.B.: I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.

Switch Hitter [2.7]

Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.
G.O.B.: That’s great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we’re saying?

Queen For A Day [2.8]

Michael: Maybe it’s time you got out there and started meeting people. You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn’t give birth to you.

G.O.B.: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It’s, like, die already!

Burning Love [2.9]

Lindsay: Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free.
Lucille: Really? Did "nothing" cancel?

Tobias: My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.
Michael: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.
Tobias: I haven’t been the perfect husband — yes, I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.

Ready, Aim, Marry Me [2.10]

Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with G.O.B. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for G.O.B.
Michael: I think that makes the joke on G.O.B.

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias: Butterscotch! Want a lick?

Out on a Limb [2.11]

[Note: this is the delete scene version]
G.O.B.: And I'm going to need help getting out of this marriage.
Barry: Oh, well, I got Michael out of his marriage, didn't I?
Michael: Actually, she died.
Barry: Yeah! We killed her. [moves to give a high-five]
Michael: No, she actually died.
Barry: You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years.

Tobias: You know, mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias: Well if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.

Hand to God [2.12]

Michael: Mom, after all these years, God’s not going to take a call from you.

Narrator: Neither he nor G.O.B. were prepared for the challenges of using cats to catch a seal.

Motherboy XXX [2.13]

G.O.B.: The cow is coming after me.
Michael: Your wife? She was super-thin.
G.O.B.: She was? What about her cans? She have big cans?
Michael: You don't remember her at all, do you?
G.O.B.: Hey, it was one night of wild passion!
Michael: And yet you didn't notice her body?
G.O.B.: I like to look in the mirror.

Lindsay: Oh, God. Not that "I’m in love with my mother" dance thing. I’m so glad there wasn’t one of those for daddies and daughters.
Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances.
Lindsay: They do? He never took me?
Lucille: It was before we did your nose. Too-da-loo.

Immaculate Election [2.14]

Michael: So then, he’s more popular than George Michael?
Maeby: Well, that’s like comparing apples and some fruit nobody’s ever heard of.

Lindsay: If you weren’t all the way on the other side of the room, I’d slap your face.

The Sword of Destiny [2.15]

Buster: Hey! I'm finally being treated like a real person. Not some deformed...
G.O.B.: Ah! Hook. I forgot about that there, Elephant Man. We'll have to find something to do so that people can look at you without wanting to kill themselves.

Lucille: My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you.
Michael: Well, now I’m a little sicker.

Meat the Veals [2.16]

George Michael: Ann just called. They had a pre-dawn mass. Then they were going to mass, so...
Michael: Ann’s got a great deal of mass.

Michael: I think they are too young to get involved that seriously.
Rev. Veal: My wife and I were about the same age when we got engaged.
Michael: (Glancing at the reverend's wife) Well, yeah, you've gotta lock that down.

Spring Breakout [2.17]

Lindsay: Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop.
Michael: It’s just Mom and whores.

Lucille: Oh, please. I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub. It’s the only reason you’re here, too.
Michael: Hey, you’re mean sober, too.

Righteous Brothers [2.18]

G.O.B.: Why don’t you get Gob to do your dirty work for you? Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere, or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty? Which is it this time, Michael?
Michael: Well, definitely neither of those two things.

Narrator: G.O.B. had hidden his father under a house that had just collapsed.
G.O.B.: [Seeing George Michael and Maeby] Children - you're small. Crawl under there.

Season 3

The Cabin Show [3.1]

G.O.B.: Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael. At least he promised to take you. [bursts into tears] He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood! [sobbing] I didn't even know there was a cabin... he wasn't taking me to!

G.O.B.: Well, I will tell you this, Michael. I don't have a son...
Narrator: He does.
G.O.B.: ... but if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods and then not take him.
Narrator: G.O.B. was growing up.

For British Eyes Only [3.2]

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
George, Sr.: I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

Michael: Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.
Rita: You’ll pay me?
Michael: Not... not for sex. You’re going to think that I’m Jack the Ripper, right? Didn’t he kill prostitutes or...?
Rita: I’m not a prostitute.
Michael: Then I shall let you live.

Forget-Me-Now [3.3]

Lindsay: [about Tobias] He's never fulfilled me... sexually.
Bob Loblaw: Can you tell me the ways in which you were promised to be fulfilled, whether or not said promise was made explicit.
Lindsay: You want me to be explicit?
Bob Loblaw: Yes. But I will be needing to get off in four minutes.
Lindsay: Well, let's see if I can hit that target for ya.

Narrator: Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.
Michael: I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.
Rita: I'm a very good listener.
Michael: Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

Notapusy [3.4]

G.O.B.: Hey, can you do me a favor? A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt will be dropping by, and...
Michael: Your son?
G.O.B.: According to him.
Michael: And a DNA test.
G.O.B.: I hear the jury's still out on science.

[During a work-out montage with Michael]
Steve Holt: There's no "I" in "win"!
Steve Holt: Don't ask "can I?," ask "I can!"
Steve Holt: You can control your bladder when you're dead!

Mr. F [3.5]

Michael: Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday...
George Michael: A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch?
Michael: I want you to look under the pants.
George Michael: Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt.
Michael: You want to return that?
George Michael: What? No, I want to deduct it.

G.O.B.: Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. [looks at Larry the surrogate] What do you think, Dad? A whole, tiny town.
George Sr./Larry: Another brilliant idea, Einstein.
G.O.B.: Really? You'd like to build it with me?
George Sr./Larry: Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm. It's a stupid idea.

The Ocean Walker [3.6]

Rita: Are houses terribly hard to make?
Michael: Well, the hardest part is finding the land.
Rita: Instead of building houses, maybe you should be building land. On the ocean. There's no land on the ocean, Michael.
Michael: [pause] You are brilliant.
Narrator: Yeah. She wasn't.

[Michael has just revealed that he knows Rita is mentally challenged]
Rita: You found out.
Michael: Took me long enough.
Rita: Maybe you're not smart, either! I didn't know until they told me.

Prison Break-In [3.7]

Michael: Can't a guy call his mother pretty without it seeming strange?
Buster: Amen. And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!
Michael: I've opened a door here that I regret.
Lucille: Oh, he's just talking about his stupid turtle.
Buster: She has a name, Mother, and it's Mother.

Lucille: I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.

Making a Stand [3.8]

Lucille: And that goes into storage, right? Not into your apartment.
Painter: Qué?
Lucille: (to Michael) What's Spanish for "I know you speak English"?

G.O.B.: I've got this Christian girlfriend now and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son and I'm trying to get her to renounce God and [bleep] me and I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

S.O.B.s [3.9]

Michael: That’s the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend.
Tobias: Well, don’t blame me!
Michael: I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.

Lindsay: You know, Mom, I think the only time you cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom died.
Buster: You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

Fakin' It [3.10]

Lucille: I just pray it's one of those things where he's unconscious through the whole trial and when he wakes up he gets BIG toy!
Michael: Did you do this, Mom? Did you put one of your own sons in a coma so he wouldn't testify?
Lucille: Michael, how dare you! Although the thought did cross my mind.

Michael: All of our family records are up here. And for some reason, this stack of bodybuilding magazines.
Tobias: Ha, well, I guess your dad must've had these from way back when. [opens magazine]

Family Ties [3.11]

George, Sr.: I just want my brother to envy my money, but he’s got that hair. Why can’t I have hair and money and him nothing?

G.O.B.: The real problem is that she keeps saying that God is going to show me a sign. The... something of my ways. Wisdom?
Michael: It's probably wisdom.

Exit Strategy [3.12]

Richard Shaw: I’m sorry it took so long, but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Road.

Buster: Let me go with you. I was trained by Army. I speak the language.
Michael: You speak Arabic?
Buster: La-ach-ha-tem.
Michael: What’s that mean?
Buster: No, I was just clearing my throat... but I think it actually does mean "laundry," but like a child’s laundry. We don’t really have a word for it.

Development Arrested [3.13]

Tobias: I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to dress up as something more nautically themed. Hot sailors, maybe. Or better yet, hot sea—
Michael: I like hot sailors.
Tobias: Mmmm, me, too.

Narrator: Although George Michael had only got to second base, he’d gone in head first, like Pete Rose.


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