Sam & Max

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Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
Curtis Judalet
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Sam & Max is an American comic book series, created by Steve Purcell, featuring fictional private investigators Sam; a 6-foot anthropomorphic dog, and Max; a "hyperkinetic rabbity thing". The characters have since made many appearances in electronic games and even their own short-lived animated television series.

From the comics

"Monkeys Violating the Heavenly Temple" (1987)

  • Max: HA! Trapped like ring-tailed rock wallaby!
    Sam: Like a rat, idiot.
  • Sam: Say hello to your unsavory pals, Max.
    Max: Hello unsavory pals! What's new?
    Unsavory Pal #2: We're gonna eat you for dinner, fuzzy.
    Max: Tee hee.
  • Sam: Oboy! It's the colorized version of Citizen Kane... Oh, my mistake— it's just the Flintstones.
  • Max: Uh oh, sounds like the answering machine is demonically possessed again. Better than no messages at all, though!
  • Sam: Hello? Yes, Commissioner! Yes?... Yes?... Yes?.. Holy jumping mother o' God in a side-car with chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib! WE'RE ON OUR WAY!
  • Sam: Get in the alley, hamsterhead.
  • Sam: And then I'll be forced to jump off the highdive with your adorable carcass tied to my head, if I've read my volcano cults right.
  • Sam (after pushing an untold number of cultists into an active volcano): Whew!... I feel kind of bad about all this.
    Max: But they had torches and frankenstein rakes!
    Sam: Oh. Yeah, that's right.
  • Max (regarding a bloated volcano god): It’s like something from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade gone horribly awry!
  • Sam (Singing): New York New York/it's a hell of a town/The Bronx is up and the Bowery's down/The mimes are food for the bums underground/New yawk new yaawwwk-!
    Max: That's a cute song, Sam. I don't recognize it.
    Sam: It's from one of my favorite musicals, Max. It's about a quaint french circus that comes to town and is immediately cannibalized by the local mole men.

"Bad Day On The Moon" (1992)

  • Max: He's got a boo boo on his head. I think I should kiss it.
    Sam: Watch it, Mister Sticky! Don't let him get his mouth so close to your face!
    Max: Maybe he needs a transfusion, Sam. LET'S GO GET SOME BLOOD!
  • Sam: By the way, Max. That was a brilliant idea, stuffing the muffler full of thousands and thousands of match heads and igniting them thereupon providing adequate thrust to break free of the earth's pull.
    Max: Thanks, Sam. I thought it up with my huge brain.
  • Sam: So let me get this straight. We can breathe here then?
    Max: I guess those candy-butt astronauts didn't have the stones to try it.
    Sam: I could never say that about an astronaut.
  • Sam: Giant rat guys! Weird. Interesting.
    Max: And somehow appropriate. Shall we beat the living crap out of them, Sam?
    Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
  • Minister of Science: The basic molecular structure of your little friend is still vastly compromised. Hand me that staple gun.
  • Sam: Sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life.
    Max: BLAM! And then he was mucilage! Did you say something, Sam?
    Sam: Forget it, little buddy.

"The Big Sleep" (2007)

  • Sam: Lookie here, little buddy. This newspaper has naked girls on page three! Perhaps we've been thrust into a future where mankind finally worships beauty instead of violence.
    Max: God, I hope not!
  • Sam: Hmm, must have blinked out at the wheel. You okay little buddy?
    Max: Yeah, Sam. Fortunately my skull took most of the impact.

From Sam & Max Hit the Road (1993)

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  • Sam: Vertical silverware storage. (describing a dartboard with knives and axes in it)
  • Sam: You're looking hale and hearty, lil' buddy.
    Max: I'm a coffee achiever, Sam.
  • Sam: I really respect Flint's business acumen.
    Max: Please, Sam, don't use the word "acumen" again.
  • Sam: Aw, it's a cute little hypercephalic kitten.
    Max (three alternate responses): I am repulsed by his bulging eyes.
    / I'll call him "Mittens", because I think he'd make a fine pair of them.
    / He's adorable! Let's take him home and put tape on his feet.
  • Sam: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
    Max: But it makes a pretty good milkshake.
  • Max: Good lord, it's a possessed outhouse!
    Sam: This sort of thing wouldn't happen if they had indoor plumbing.
  • Sam: My mind is a swirling miasma of scintillating thoughts and turgid ideas.
    Max: Me too.
  • Sam: Just your run of the mill flying outhouse.
  • Max: Not to be rude, but you're the single ugliest thing we've ever seen.
  • Max: STOP HIM SAM, HE'S GONNA TELL US A STORY!!!
  • Max: Go buy some games right now, especially those old LucasArts ones.
  • Max: Sam, the dead animal heads are talking to me.
  • Max: Of all the Daliesque tourist traps in the world, we had to walk into this one.
  • Max: I'm not a malefactor, I'm a lagomorph.
  • Sam: I love this car.
    Max: You're a sick puppy, Sam.
  • Max: Mind if I drive?
    Sam: Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader.
  • Max: Good lord, he's buck naked.
    Sam: So are you.
    Max: Yeah, but I'm cute and marketable.
  • Looking into Boscoe's store
    Sam: I see that Mr. Boscoe is generously giving away his hard earned money to the underprivileged ski-mask-wearing youth of the neighborhood again.
  • Max: I think that punk learned a valuable lesson today, Sam.
    Sam: Me too. I never knew the lower lip could stretch completely over the head like that. Remarkable
  • Sam: Wow, what an impressive mural of John Muir.
    Max: But who's John Muir?
    Stuffed Animal Heads: Hey fellas. This bum doesn't know who John Muir is. Shall we teach him? (Reciting) There once was a man named John Muir, A naturalist noble and pure, Whose love for all beasties, the most and the least-ies, Has never been equalled, Uh..fer shure!
    Meanwhile, a sign is flashing the word "Edutainment"
  • Sam (holding a bomb): Max, where should I put this so it doesn't hurt anyone we know or care about?
    Max: Out the window, Sam. There's nothing but strangers out there.
    Sam: (looks at the bomb in his hand and throws it out the window behind him)
    (Bomb explodes outside the windows)
    Sam: I sure hope there was no one on that bus.
    Max: No one we know, at least...
  • Sam: Don't worry, we'll return your missing abominations back into your protective care before you can read the Koran.
    Max: Didn't he fight Godzilla?
  • Sam: I've got something in my eye.
    Max: Try digging it out with a fork. That always works for me.
  • Max: I'd be peeing my pants if I wore any!
  • Sam (at a wishing well): I wish I knew what Max was thinking.
    Max (in his mind): ... ..... ....... ..... ... . !
    Sam: Well, that was a waste of money.
  • Max: This don't look like the Lincoln Tunnel, Sam.
    Sam: Looks to me like a marginally volatile hostage situation, Max.
    Max: Ooo! Does this mean we get to kick some puffy white mad scientist butt?
    Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
  • Sam: There's a book on the shelf over there. If I had even the slightest inclination to strain myself, I could probably relatively easily lean over and grab it. But I'm sure I can turn it into a meaningless puzzle of some sort.
  • The sky goes dark and the stars spell out "GO TO BUMPUSVILLE".
    Max: This means something, Sam.
  • Sam: My little buddy has to use the facilities.
    Max: Facilities be damned, I need a bathroom!
  • Sam and Max arrive at "Frog Rock"
    Sam:This doesn't look like a frog at all.
    Max: My innocence has been shattered by this blatant tourist trap. I want my money back.
    Sam: You didn't pay anything.
    Max: Well, somebody better give me some money.
  • Sam and Max arrive at the "Mystery Vortex"
    Max: Sam, this place is making my head ping.
    Sam: That's probably just the metal plate in your head, Max.
    Max: (head pings with a "POING!" sound)
  • Max: I don't think the cute, little robot wants to accept its new programming, Sam.
    Sam: I don't recall giving it a cute, little choice.
  • Max is handed the Snuckey's restroom key
    Sam:That's an awfully big rasp attached to that keychain.
    Max: Out of toilet paper?
  • Sam: Percent sign, ampersand, dollar sign!
    Max: And colon, semicolon, too!
    Tool-Bending Guy: What are you #^&@ing doing?!
    Sam: We're swearing in longhand, asterisk-mouth.
  • Max: Wait, I’ve got an idea, and it doesn’t require high explosives.
  • Sam: Holy cripes on toast!
  • Sam: I can't use these things together!
  • Sam reads a convenience store sign.
    Sam: "Bosco's Guns, Liquor, Baby Needs."
  • (During the Tunnel of Love)
    Sam: Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven... Milton.
    Max: Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens... David Bryne.
  • After riding the Tunnel of Love
    Sam: Well, that was refreshing.
    Max: I think we're supposed to do something in there, Sam.
  • Sam: I don't have anyone to call.
    Max: Call me, call me!
    Sam: You'd have to get cellular.
    Max: I'm pixular! It's better than cellular!
    Sam: That was bad, Max. Really bad.
    Max: Hey, who cares? I'M CUTE!
  • At the carnival, talking with the flame eater
    Sam: Bet ya can't make flames shoot out of your butt.
    Flame eater: Take a hike.
    Max: Amateur.
  • While attempting to pick up an object that can't be picked up multiple times Sam: I can't pick that up. No, really, I can't pick that up. Are you dense? I told you I can't pick that up. Read my lips. I. CAN'T. PICK. THAT. UP. Oh, I give up. (sob)
    Max: Now you've done it. You've broken Sam's spirit by trying to pick up that dumb object. In fact, if I didn't find his pathetic sobbing so amusing, I'd come out and rip your limbs off.
  • Kushman: Do you see this block of ice?
    Sam: How could we miss it?
    Kushman: This used to be our main attraction.
    Max: Your main attraction was a block of ice?
    ...
    Kushman: He kidnapped our second biggest attraction!
    Max: Was that the block of ice?

From Sam & Max: Freelance Police!!! (1997-1998)


"The Thing That Wouldn't Stop It" (1997)

  • Sam: Gee, I hope this wasn't anything important.
    Max: It looks like an incredibly virulent form of the plague.
    Sam: But tastes like butter.
  • Sam: I can't believe I shot at an innocent vegetable.
    Max: I can't believe I said chill.
  • Sam: Well here we are in the hostile parallel ice dimension contained inside the Geek's freezer.
    Max: And me without my lip balm.
    Sam: And you without lips.
  • Hudson: What are ya, crazy man? What kind of sick lunatic would volunteer to do that?
    Max (getting excited): Oo, pick me! Oo, me! Oo!
  • Max: It's a nondescript supermodel! (leaps into her arms) Quick, Sam! Take a picture!
  • The Geek: Look what you did! The lab is ruined!
    Sam: Oh, I wouldn't say that! Some fresh paint, a few plants here and there, and a construction crew working around the clock and it'll be as good as new!
  • Sam: I don't know anyone who could fire-bomb a bunch of cute little kittens!
    Max: Here. Let me.
  • Max: It wont be long now.......Sam skipped lunch.
    Repair Men: Eewwwww!!!!
  • Hudson: We're doomed man! DOOOOOMED!!!!!.
    Other Repair Men, Sam and Max: HUDSON!!!
  • Sam: I'm just tossing darts in the dark here, but I'd say this whole transdimensional mess is the combined result of you storing toxic oozes in leaky zippy lock bags in a freezer that's as neglected as Quasimodo at a Sadie Hawkins dance.

"The Second Show Ever" (1997)

  • Sam: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
    Max: And that big cranky alien cranium heading straight for us.
  • Sam: Look Lactose, we'd rather you didn't eradicate the whole human race.
    Max: Some of our closest friends claim to be human.
  • Sam: Gee, we're not doing such a good job at saving humanity.
    Max: Maybe he'd thumb wrestle you for it.

"Max's Big Day" (1997)

  • Max: Why would anybody want to wear a suit?
    Chimp (exposing his rear): Ever seen a chimp's rear end? It's not pretty.
    Max: Enough. Please! No! Show me no more! I can't take it. I... I... I... Hey, I can see my face in it.
  • Sam: Well here we are, woefully lacking chutes and falling at one billion feet per second.
    Max: Is it my fault the restroom and cockpit doors are virtually identical?
  • Sam: I'm fine, knucklehead! Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsable skull to fit through near impossible spaces, I have called upon a like ability to collapse all my bones and bulky organs in order to dupe these uncultured puppies into thinking they've rolled and pressed me into this unsettling garment, ha ha ha! Neat, huh?
  • Guinea Pig Chieftain: Pardon my insolence, but no true Chosen One would turn down a gift from his people, especially one as nice as the hollowed out carcass of a close personal friend!

"Bad Day On The Moon" (1997)

  • Sam: It was the stern guiding voice of the Commissioner with just the right kind of hair-raising case we can wrap our overactive adrenal glands around.
    Max: Are you talking dirty?
  • Sam: Did you make sure to sew ID tags on all your underwear?
    Max: But I don't...
    Sam: Oh yeah... Me neither.
  • Max: Hey, what happens when my paper bag runs out?
    Sam: Did you bring a spare?
    Max: I'm embarrassed by my lack of preparation. (Hanging his head) I'm a fool.
  • Sam: Giant rat guys! Weird. Interesting.
    Max: And somehow appropriate. Shall we beat the living crap out of them, Sam?
    Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
  • (over time, to rat shopkeeper)
    Max: Mister, you can put your hands down now...Hey, mister, you can put your hands down now...Mister, you can put your hands down now.
    Shopkeeper: (hands still up) Well, I've got to get back to the store, but if there's anything else-
    Max: PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN, FOR GOD'S SAKES! PUT 'EM DOWN NOOOOOOOW!
    (force of Max's scream sends shopkeeper flying into a fountain)
  • Sam: It's a world of roach-like leviathans lumbering through a gargantuan city-scape.
    Max: Hehe, isn't it cute how they gather into social groups.
  • Sam: A Moon-roach coffee shop. It's uncanny. Like some Earth-parallel development.
    Max: I never dreamed I'd live long enough for you to say 'Earth-parallel development' and mean it Sam.
  • Sam: Ow. It feels like the convolutions of my brain are being analysed... I hate that.
  • Sam: And it sure is nice to have you back in your plushy little carcass again Max. How do you feel buddy?
    Max: Not bad. Although I'm cranky and listless, I'm retaining water, and I keep spitting up sawdust.
  • Sam: It's a plain old itty bitty Earth-roach and he's packing heat.
    Max: I don't like the look on his face. It's cold. Calculated. Almost inhuman!
  • Sam: These bugs are worse than a three-headed monkey!
  • Sam: Sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life, Max.
    Max: BLAM! And then he was mucilage! Did you say something, Sam?

"Dysfunction Of The Gods" (1997)

  • Sam (reading a sign): "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Souvlaki". Ahaha, that's funny.
    Max (wearing shoes and a shirt): At least pants are optional.
  • Max (in a high-pitched, helium-induced voice): "We are Sam and Max: champions of justice! Tormentors of Roman-featured bearded guys in loose-fitting jammies!"
  • Max: Now it's raining bison on Buffalo.
    Sam: That feels sort of right somehow.
  • Zeus: You see, it's not my fault my wife's a shrill harpy.
    Audience Member: As a harpy, I feel devalued by your derogatory usage of the term!
  • Max (to Eros sitting in the audience armed with a rubber-bow): Perpetrator is armed and dangerous. DROP IT CUPID! DROP THE WEAPON!
  • Sam: Holy Hannah hold the phone. I'm young again!
    Max: And I'm a less inviting target for roosting pigeons!
  • Max: (after Zeus and Hera decide to renew their wedding vows) and as a special treat we've arraged for you to be renew your wedding vows in beautiful intoxicating LAAAAAAS VEGAS!!!!

"They Came From Down There" (1997)

  • Sam (hanging up the phone): That was you know who, Max.
    Max: Our cantankerous man servant?
  • The Geek : Well, you could take the Vespa...
    Max : Not in this lifetime.
    Sam : I feel all crawly.
    The Geek (Dejected): Or you could take the boat. But you have to promise to be careful this...time?
    Sam and Max (already in boat and roaring off): Thanks, Geek!
  • (in a sewer)
    Max: "Look, Sam, baby alligators!"
    Sam: "Well they're buoyant and log-shaped, but they're hardly alligators."
    Max: "I don't feel so good."
  • Sam: Curious... What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation in the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?
    Max (getting excited): Cannibalism! I vote cannibalism!
  • Max: (top of his head has just been twisted off) Amazing! I had no idea my skull was threaded for easy access!
    Sam: Quick, press down on the medulla oblongata! Five bucks says he smells burnt toast!

"Big Trouble At The Earth's Core" (1997)

  • Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentifiable life form, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.
    Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct or nesting hamsters.
    Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws ya.
  • Max: Woahee, the world truly is a carousel of color.
    Sam: There's drama and mirth in old mother Earth.
    Max: And all of her secretions you see.
  • Sam: Looky there Max, it's a horde of murderous inner-dwellers.
    Max: When there are five or more, the correct term is a clot.
  • Sam: DO YOU REALISE WHAT THIS MEANS!?!?
    Max: NO! BUT LET ME GUESS!!!!
  • Sam: You wouldn't have anything tucked away for putting smoky holes in things would ya?
    Max: Just minty toothpicks.
  • Max: Actually, I'm deathly afraid of seeing them kiss. Ew, they're at it! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!!
  • Sam (sniffing elevator): What's that smell? Oh Max.

"A Glitch In Time" (1997)

  • Sam: It's time we taught this ornery critter it's proper place in the food chain Max.
    Max: I like 'em deep fried with lemon.
  • Max: For Pete's sake, I spit my bad breath at thee!
  • Max: We return victorious! Proud with the scars of battle! Haha. It looks like I'm wearing polka dot jammies.
  • Sam: This sure stirs up a few long suppressed memories.
    Max: And explains all those sticky nightmares I have about possessed vermin headwear.
  • Sam: Then one day, something happened. I ate a bad head-cheese sandwich and wandered off in an hallucinogenic daze. I came-to 15 years later in a remote Tibetan monastery. I had attained higher consciousness, but still, I always felt there was something missing... Besides shorts.
  • Max: A rogue octopus? It's déjà vu all over again. Let's roll!

"That Darn Gator" (1997)

  • Sam: We were doing a little light housekeeping down in the Sub-basement of Solitude, when after a mishap or two with the work-vac, Max accidentally sucked something up out of the porcelain hobby horse.
  • Max: I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.
  • Max: Sam, can you give me a hand in here. It's time for another diaper change.
    Sam walks in and spins Max around, changing his diaper in a flurry.
    Sam: Boy, I don't know what we'd do without these things.
    Max: Me neither. I barely have time to stink, let alone tend to my own needs.
  • Sam: What's the matter little fellow? Are you bored? Are you sleepy?
    Max: Are you sensing my desire to turn you into a quiet little handbag!
  • Sam: Maybe it's too hot.
    Sam pours a little of the drink onto Max's outstretched arm.
    Max: Hmm, there is a slight burning sensation.
    Sam: That's just the venom.
  • Sam: That's it Max. That's the answer. He'll only eat things off your finger.
    Max: Like the first three layers of skin.
  • Max: Well that's the last of it.
    Sam: Not quite, there's still some bean-dip.
    Max: I mean the sensation in my arm.
  • Max: Over the next few months John and I cavorted and frolicked and gamboled as only an alligator and his surrogate mother, who also happens to be a biped rabbity thing, could.
  • Sam: What was once a cute cartoony-lizard-baby wriggling around on the rug, was now a full grown, ten foot, foul-tempered, primeval killing machine.
    Max: And we loved him so.
  • Geek: My hamsters are missing.
    Max (in reflection): All eyes turned to John, but of course she had no proof.
  • Sam, attempting to stuff their pet alligator "John" down the toilet.
    Geek: What are you doing?
    Sam: Returning John to the life he once knew
    Max: To the wild of the sewers system suit
    Geek: Alligators don't come from sewers, they come from Florida
    Sam & Max: Florida!

"We Drop At Dawn" (1997)

  • Sam: As soon as that light flashed we would act. We would act as men. As soldiers. Soldiers of honor. Of dignity. Of-
    Warning Light: BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
    Sam & Max: (Clamoring to get the folder) MINE! MINE! GIMME GIMME!
  • Max: What? No concealable weaponry, road flares or black capsules? What if we get captured?
    Sam: Haha. You kill me little buddy.
    Max: Only if we're taken alive, Sam.
  • Sam: Oops, sorry there, little buddy. Didn't see you down there.
    Max (getting up): Think nothing of it, Sam. Luckily I was still numb from having that mossy obelisk break my fall... and my hip... and four of my ribs.
  • Sam: Sister Mary Frances in low heels walking away!
    Max: It's a phone booth Sam. And look there, a fire hydrant, and a park bench. WE'RE SURROUNDED!
  • Max: (voiceover) While Jim circled around, I went in to flush the beggar out.

Max: NO PRISONEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSS!

  • Max: We're Sam & Max, freelance...
    Chief: Assassins
    Max: Well, if you insist
  • Sam & Max: EXECUTIVE BATHROOM??! *runs up flight of stairs with Commissioner's keys*
  • Sam: After all that excitement, I could really go for a 14-dollar bottle of cashews!
  • Max: And I just gotta go!

"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (1998)

  • Max: Nice wedding so far.
    Sam: I think the Commissioner would support our decision to employ rubber ammo and tear gas at this point. He wouldn't want this to get out of hand.
    Max: After all, it is his daughter's wedding.
  • Tobogganing down a mountain whilst being shot at by evil minions.
    Max: They're pretty strict about the speed limit around here.
    Sam: Beautiful country though isn't it.
  • Monkeyfeatures pulls off a mask to reveal he is really Larvo in disguise.
    Max: That old parlour trick. We can top that.
    Max pulls off a mask to reveal he is Sam'.
    Sam pulls off a mask to reveal he is The Geek.
    The Geek pulls off a mask to reveal she is Max.
    Max pulls off the Sam mask to reveal he is The Geek.
    Sam pulls off the The Geek mask to reveal he is Max.
    The Geek pulls off the Max mask to reveal she is Sam.
    Max pulls off the The Geek mask to reveal he is Monkeyfeatures.
    Sam pulls off the Max mask to reveal he is Larvo.
    The Geek pulls off the Sam mask to reveal she is also Larvo.
    Max pulls off the Monkeyfeatures mask to reveal he is also Larvo, as well.
    Sam pulls off the Larvo mask to reveal he is Sonny.
    The Geek pulls off the Larvo mask to reveal she is Cher.
    Larvo: ENOUGH!
  • Sam: [to Max] Does she really expect us to sit through this?
    Larvo: I don't expect you to sit through anything, Sam and Max. I expect you to fry!
    (This is a reference to Goldfinger)

"The Tell Tale Tail" (1998)

  • Max: STOP, THIEF!
    Sam: You know that never works, Max.
    Max: Yes, but it's such a wonderful prelude to the impending mayhem.
  • Max: I think those poor folks are forever scarred, Sam.
    Sam: Then our work is done here, Max.
  • John Keats: You're so scary, Mary Shelley, I've got shivers in my belly. (looks around) It's just a first draft.
  • Mary Shelley: Don't be ridiculous, it's right there on your little bum-bum.
    Max: Don't toy with me, sister!
    Sam: Huh, she said bum.
    Keats: But it's right there! That miserable tuft of hair!
    Max: It came back! Come here! (Starts chasing it, babbling incoherently.)

"The Trouble With Gary" (1998)

  • Max: Tell me what the Commissioner said again Sam, go on tell me, tell me what he said.
    Sam: He said in so many four letter words it promises to be our most bizarre, unsettling and gut wrenching assignment to date.
  • Sam: We're heading for the Rhombus Enclave, Max. A super-secret military enclave who's existence the Government completely denies. Most likely 'cause they feel stupid saying Rhombus.
    Max: How about enclave?
    Sam: Hey, good point.
  • Max: Look Sam, scientists running in packs. I had no idea nerds were herding animals.
  • Female Scientist: You must never speak of it outside these walls. Can we have your word?
    Max: Sure. Except my word is unctuous so you won't get to use it very often.
  • Female Scientist: We believe that if harnessed this force of nature could become a valuable weapon in our government's immense military arsenal.
    Max: Immense arsenal, that's funny.
    Sam: What? Does my arsenal look big in these pants?
  • Male Scientist: Gary has the power to physically alter his surroundings with his mind.
    Max: Hey Gary, turn me into a painted turtle, I want to be a painted turtle.
  • Max (talking about a bear): Ah, poor little paranormal critter. If it didn't slash us to bits I was going to name it Tippy.
  • Max (getting his head squeezed): Sam! The pressure! It's... it's...
    Sam (The same): It's messing up... my hat size!
  • Gary: You've made me very angry. This is what I think you are!
    Turns Sam into a stuffed cow.
    Max: Ah! How could you! I asked if I could be a painted turtle and I was completely ignored!!
    Gary zaps him, turning Max into a painted turtle.
    Max (in a squeaky voice): Thank you!

"The Invaders" (1998)

  • Sam: Looks like we'll have to amend the report to include a close encounter with some ornery stumpies. That's tech talk for height deficient ET's.
    Max: All that physical exertion has caused me to work up a froth. I'm gonna go catch a vertical squirt bath... That's tech talk for shower.
  • Sam: Looks like we have a secret admirer.
    Max: Maybe its a willowy goddess with a stalker-like infatuation for freelance lawmen.
  • Max: Foolish aliens! Your puny weapons are no match for our superior attitude!
  • Sam (looking at the invaders): They're like a pair of shiny industrious doorknobs.
  • Max: Next time, longer fuse.
  • Max: The pain is almost euphoric, Sam.

Sam It's like falling asleep in a tanning booth.

  • Sam (about to shut a window on one of the invaders): I think I'll close this window for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  • Max: (to O Sole Mio) Oh foolish spaceguys, we kicked your butts! To mess with Earthmen, you must be nuuuuuuts!
  • Max: The simulated 3D carnage makes me tingle like a prom queen.
  • Sam: I just hope the kids at home weren't emotionally scarred from witnessing what appeared to be our horrifyingly graphic demise.
    Max: Me too. We'll need their keisters parked at the tube in time for our next episode.
    Sam: Aww, you old softy.

"Sam & Max Vs. The Uglions" (1998)

  • Geek: Quick we gotta locate Colonel Corn the base commander. Split up.
    Max: Colonel Corn.
    Sam: I'm sure he'll be all ears.
  • Max: Defeated after all man's devices and defences had failed. By the humblest things that God in his wisdom has put upon this earth.
    Geek: Sam and Max, Freelance Police, right?
    Max: No. Zits. Pay attention.

"Little Bigfoot" (1998)

  • Sam and Max scream.
    Sam: If I didn't see it with my own eyes I never would have believed it. Who'd have guessed one whimpy bolt was holding up five tonnes of colourful roadside Americana.
    Max: I was right. You owe me one dino-boogey-snowglobe full of primordial dandruff.
    Sam: A deal's a deal. Smile for the birdie.
  • Sam pinches Max's straw.
    Max: Thanks Sam, I couldn't help myself. There was more. There's always a tiny speck more!
  • Max sniffs Little Bigfoot.
    Max: He doesn't smell so bad. Sort of like a wet puppy.
    Sam: Sorry, that's me. These hip-waders haven't drained from our last trip.
  • Sam: I'm a little insulted he didn't pick us out of this gaggle.
    Max: I'm a little disappointed we don't actually get to eat this way.
  • Sam and Little Bigfoot start screaming.
    Max: There's a truck coming.
    Their car careens off a cliff.
    Max: Lot of cliffs around here.
  • Max: Pull over, you large boned citizen. Cooperate and you'll be slapped around without incident.
  • Max: Now I get it. It's a band of super intelligent circus apes quietly undermining our Utopian society. Freeze circus apes!
    Sam: Ah, they're bigfoots, Max.
    Max: My gosh, you're right. It's obvious from their glaring lack of unicycles.
  • Sam: They're rejecting him. Maybe he smells too human. Max, come here a minute, and bring your armpit.

From Sam & Max: Culture Shock (2006)

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  • Sam: I bought that VCR at the supermarket!
    Max: So you know it's a good one.
    Sam: Still smells like asparagus, though.
  • Sam: We should have Jesse James' hand appraised one of these days.
    Max: I bet it's especially valuable because it's autographed!
  • Sam: (After watching a commercial on a self-help book) Self-help for the helplessly selfish.
    Max: Great! I'll take two!
  • Sam: (Commenting on the stuffed fox in Sybil's office) Ah, taxidermy. The dead are truly the kitsch of the living.
    Max: And vice versa!
    Sam: You're an unfathomable well of something, Max.
  • Sam: Someone once told me that the contents of a lava lamp make an excellent hand cream.
    Max: That was me.
    Sam: Which is why I haven't tried it.
  • Sam: (after shooting the cheese) Take that, you law breaking dairy products.
    Max: Sam, no! The cheese was innocent!
    Sam: Innocent? I think not.
  • Jimmy Two-Teeth: Greeting. The members of the benevolent brotherhood of vermin would like to thank you for your offering.
    Sam: The members of Sam and Max would like their phone back now.
    Jimmy Two-Teeth: I regret to inform you that the situation has changed, and I am unable to comply with your request. A list of demands for the return of the phone is as follows. (grabbed and thrown onto the desk by Max)
    Sam: Now, let's discuss this calmly.
    Max: Let's de-bone the smarmy little skeez and see if the phone's in there.
    Jimmy Two-Teeth: I ain't talkin', coppers. Jimmy Two-Teeth ain't no rat. Er... Well, I ain't talkin'.
  • Max: I'm about ready to wring your scrawny, trash eating little neck.
    Jimmy Two Teeth: You think you're scary?
    Sam: You don't known where his hands have been.
    Max: Or when I washed them last.
  • Max: Hand over the phone or I'll make you lick my germ encrusted palms!
    Jimmy Two Teeth: Yeah, yeah, I've had worse.
    Max: Like what?
    Jimmy Two Teeth: You don't even want to know.
  • (Max is holding Jimmy out the window)
    Max: I warn you, I'm known for my fuzzy white butterfingers.
    Sam: It's true. You should see him trying to tie an ascot.
    Jimmy: All right, all right, have mercy!
    Max: I've had mercy. It was unpleasantly gooey, like...well, like things that have fallen onto pavement from a great height.
    Jimmy: I give up! Take your phone, and let me go!
    (Jimmy coughs up the phone)
    Sam: Oh for the lova... I wish I could unsee that.
  • Sam: (reading street sign) Dead end.
    Max: One way, dead end... Street signs are such fitting metaphores for the human condition.
    Sam: Remind me to refill your prescriptions.
  • Bosco: It's a bargain, trust me, trust me.
    Sam: I never trust a man that says trust me twice.
  • Sam:Do you have any... Weasels on a stick?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... two-handed broadswords?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... vegetables in the shape of famous naturalists?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... candy-pink fatboys?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... exiled political dissidents?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... weapons of mass destruction?
    Bosco: Who's asking?
  • Bosco: Remember... We never had this conversation.
    Max: What conversation?
    Bosco: The conversation we just had!
    Sam: No, see, he was just acting like he'd already "forgotten" the conversation.
    Bosco: What conversation?
    Max: Oh brother.
  • Sam: You know, we did put the kibosh on that whole terrorist operation, so...
    Max: How 'bout some free stuff!
    Bosco: Is that why you did this? For free stuff? Was this... all a part of the plot?!
    Sam: Yes, a labyrinthine scheme in which we paid off a former child star to deliver videos to your store just so that we could knock him out via your own security system and claim an undeserved reward.
    Bosco: So you admit it!
    Max: Conspiracy humor may be lost on this crowd.
  • Sam: Nothing lika a gaggle of security cameras pointed at a guy to make him feel at home.
    Max: I'm comfortable with it because I'm uncommonly photogenic.
  • Sam: One dollar lottery tickets: two dollars.
    Max: I'm feeling lucky already!
  • Sam: Buy one, get one.
    Max: What a deal!
  • Sam: (looking at garbage can) No thanks, I brought my lunch today.
  • Sam: (looking at microwave) Max, I've got a great idea involving you, a microwave, and 6 feet of aluminum foil.
    Max: Go on...
    Sam: Maybe another time.
  • Max: Specs! It's you! Wow, an actual celebrity vandalizing our neighborhood. This is great!
  • Sam: (looking at gumball machine) Looks like he's got Boston Baked Beans in there this month.
    Max: How do they stay fresh?
    Sam: They don't.
  • Sam: (reading headlines on newsbox) Tragedy, greed, cruelty and sports scores.
    Max: That's one of my favorite bands!
  • Sam: Where's the rest of the noose collection, Max?
    Max: It's a surprise!
  • Sam: We're the Freelance Police. We're here to keep the peace.
    Max: Violently, if possible!
  • Sam: We'd like to patronize your fine establishment my good man.
    Max: By patronize you, he means we want to buy stuff from you, not... mock you. We probably will mock you, but that's not what he meant.
    Bosco: I know what he meant. Don't patronize me! So, what do you wanna buy?
  • Sam: (inspecting a sorry-looking plant) Hubert could use some water, Max.
    Max: I'm training him to fetch it himself!
  • Sam: Multiple reports of malfeasance across the neighbourhood.
    Max: Oh joy! That's my second favourite feasance!
  • Bosco: (in a dream, to Sam) I may not show it much, but I love you. Now go wash my car!
  • Jimmy Two Teeth: Yaaaaa ouch!
    Sam: Where's the rat?
    Max: I let him go.
  • Max: Hey, since you're crazy and all, can I drive this time?
    Sam: Jumping vehicular homicide! No way, little buddy!
  • Peepers:You attacked a licensed psychotherapist! How could you?
    Max: Just comes naturally, I guess!
  • Max: Hey Sam, if it's always getting later and later, then how come it's early sometimes?
    Sam: That's one of the great mysteries, little buddy.
  • Sam: (looking at posters) Looks like there's going to be a lawnmower show!
    Max: Great! I love riding mowers! They're like golf carts with teeth!
  • Max: (looking at "Hot weenies" bin) Look, Sam. Mr. Hot Weenie is eating a hot weenie!
    Sam: This rampant weenie cannibalism turns my stomach.

From Sam and Max: Situation: Comedy (2006)

  • Max: (1st message on answering machine) Sam, it's me. Open the window, I'm trapped on the ledge again!
    Max: (2nd message) Sam, come on, I have to pee! And the PTA is here, and they're carrying signs!
    Max: (3rd message) Hey Sam, it's me again. I found a way to solve all three of my problems at once, buuut I'm going to be needing bail.
  • Sam: (after the player clicks on a bent parking meter) Remember our old car, Max?
    Max: I said I was sorry!
  • (reading newspaper headlines)
    Sam: It says this year's fashion is somehow different from last year's fashion.
    Max: But I still have the same brain I had last year.
    Sam: Actually, you don't -- But most people do.
    Sam: It says cloning rights activists are cloning themselves to create a bigger voting bloc.
    Max: It works for locusts.
    Sam: It says they've bred a horse with eight legs!
    Max: Does it run twice as fast?
    Sam: No, but it does eat twice as much.
  • Sam: (looking at gumball machine outside Bosco's) It looks like candy, but I'm pretty sure it's fish tank gravel again.
    Max: I've had worse.
  • Sam: Bosco's chilled and preserved fluids.
    Max: I wonder if Bosco used the fluid sample I submitted?
    Sam: I hope not.
  • Sam: Not'chos, free toilet brush with every purchase!
    Max: Free toilet brush? I'm sold!
    Bosco: Used toilet brush.
    Max: ...I'll pass.
  • Sam: (looking at the weenies at Bosco's) Are those the same two weenies that were in there a month ago?
    Bosco: (referring to Sam and Max) Are you the same two weenies that were in here a month ago?
  • Sam: (reading advertisement in Bosco's) Big smokes.
    Max: Don't smoke kids! Unless you're on fire. Then it's only natural.
  • Bosco: Well, there is still one can of shaving cream the blooming skinbodies haven't got yet.
    Max: Ohh, yeah, I love shaving.
    Sam: That's funny, I've never seen you shave.
    Max: I didn't mean myself.
  • Sam: Do you have any... complimentary fresh garlic?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... fine leather jackets?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... gumballs the size of your head?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... plus-2 plate armor of limitless squeezability?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... PEZ dispensers with the head of infamous Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa?
    Bosco: Nope.
    Sam: Do you have any... ketchup?
    Bosco: Nope. Oh wait.
    Max: Got you!
    Bosco: Blast! Drat! Dash it all!
  • Sam: The spin the bottle championship is coming up.
    Max: I like the sudden death round, with the Molotov cocktails.
  • Sam: Tampering with the mail is a federal offense, punishable by fine and imprisonment.
    Max: As we found out after the incident with the garden hose. Ahh, memories.
  • Sam: How about a quick psychotherapy analysis? For old times sake!
    Sybil: Oh, alright. Pick a number between one and four.
    Sam: 1
    Sybil: Sounds like inverse paranoia to me.
    Sam: What don't you mean by that?
    Sybil: Mm-hmm, I thought so.
  • Sybil: My new tabloid, the Alien Love Triangle Times, needs a cover photo of a biological extraterrestrial entity, or alien, as the unwashed masses call them, caught getting cozy with some of the locals.
    Sam: Sybil, I'd like the record to show that while I support you as a friend, your latest project makes my skin decidedly crawly.
    Max: Me too, and I like it!
  • Sam: Nice cactus. Suarel?
    Sybil: Vinyl.
    Max: Hey. If you dipped that in ink, you could do thirty tattoos at once!
    Sybil: If I could scare up thirty customers at once, I would still be in the tattoo business.
  • Sam: (looking at the tattoo designs on the wall of Sybil's office) I think those might be iron-ons.
    Max: Convenient and painful; a sure-fire hit with the average consumer.
  • Sam: (after player clicks on Sibyl's relax sign with the skulls and snakes) That is the least relaxing sign I have ever seen.
    Max: What about the one at the barber shop that says "Low fatality rate"?
    Sam: I stand corrected.
  • Sam: (upon entering the TV studio) Well here we are, Max. The TV station with programs too old to be contemporary, too new to be retro, but consistently derivative enough to be popular W.A.R.P.
    Max: Television so mindless, you can't help but watch!
    Sam: Oddly quiet in here.
    Max: Mysteriously so!
    Sam: Well, let's find this Myra character and smack some good old-fashioned sense into her.
    Max: I don't care if we smack it into her or smack it out of her, just so long as there's smacking involved!
    Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.
  • On TV Station Door: In case of fire: This door will be locked and cameras will be switched on for impromptu reality show.
  • Sam: (looking at propeller) There's only one explanation for a propeller on the wall...
    Max: Yes. This TV station is a giant flying battleship!
    Sam: Either that or it's just a "prop." Heh, get it?
    Max: I vote for the giant flying battleship.
  • Sam: You and Myra. Why the hate?
    Director: Look, Myra runs her show her way and I run every other show my way. If she doesn't want me on her set, I could care less.
    Sam: You mean, you couldn't care less. If you could care less then you care some, which doesn't really...
    Director: No, I was right, I could care less, because I care even less about what you're saying right now.
    Max: Ooh, burn!
    Sam: Quiet, knucklehead.
  • Sam: (singing when lyric choice is "I am clever because I'm cryptic": May starfish justice not IMPUUUUUUUGN!!!
  • Sam: Every chef has their own secret ingredient no one else has ever heard of or used. Mine's MSG.
  • Sam: (sprinkling some sort of spice over a pot) Can we say enough about ground ceiling tiles?
    Max: Clearly we cannot!
  • Sam: (regarding a cannon) I hope that's a prop.
    Max: I hope it isn't!
  • Hugh Bliss: If a man sets out from the Horsehead Nebula in a spaceship traveling at thrice the speed of light, and his father leaves from Rigel Two at the same time going half the speed, how many nanoseconds will it be before time paradox causes the first man never to have been born?
  • Sam: Apparently W.A.R.P. can't afford armed guards for their game show questions.
    Max: That's cheating, Sam! Good thinking!!!
    Sam: Don't get your pretty long ears in a twist, little buddy. The answers aren't on here.
    Max: In life, there are no answers, only questions.
    Sam: Another prismatology credo?
    Max: No, I read that on a cereal box. I'm seriously deficient in riboflavin, by the way.
    Sam: You're seriously deficient all right.
  • Sam: (looking at a turned-off TV in the set) How convenient! This way we can shoot a TV show about people watching a TV show.
    Max: And if the show they're watching is the show of themselves watching, the universe could fold in on itself and explode!
    Sam: Best leave it turned off, then.
  • Max:"Better get the serious toothpaste!"
  • Sam: Humanity's not safe while that mysterious little hypno-bear is on the loose.
    Max: Are we part of humanity, Sam?
    Sam: Not technically, but we're in danger, too.
  • Max: (on Myra Stump's TV show) I'd like to mention my pal, Sam, and something that happened the other day!
    Myra: Anecdotes about other celebrities -- even ones as dubious as you two -- are always welcome.
    Max: Well, I was battering this purse-snatcher with a broken parking meter and screaming "Die! Why won't you die!" and Sam said, "you crack me up, little buddy!"
    Myra: The point being...?
    Max: I crack Sam up!
  • (Last lines)
    Max: At the risk of making the obvious comment: That was shocking! Is she breathing?
    Sam: A little. But the creepy teddy bear is toast.
    Max: Nuts. I wanted to ask it a few questions, and maybe use it to hypnotize Katie Couric.
    Sam: Another glorious dream bangs its chin on the dirty pavement. On the bright side, the audience is free to go home!
    Max: Aw, I was just getting warmed up. Do you think Myra will have us back on the show again soon?
    Sam: Um. Speaking of unlikely, did you notice we just had two cases in a row involving hypnotic mind-control?
    Max: Complete coincidence?
    Sam: Yes, I think so. The cogs of the universe synchronize in ways we're not meant to see.
    Max: Speaking of things we're not meant to see, there's a new restaurant at the zoo where you can eat what they feed the animals!
    Sam: Empty popcorn cartons and cigarette butts?
    Max: And processed bread logs loaded with tranquilizers and anti-depressants!
    Sam: Bread logs make me logy. Let's head back to the cooking show set and see if we can figure out how to make fried pork rinds.
    Max: Ok, but I get the feet!

From Sam & Max: The Mole, the Mob, and the Meatball (2007)

  • Sam: (Picking up an ace from the floor) Hey, an ace. An extra card up your sleeve never hurts.
    Max: Except when the other guy catches you with it and decides to riddle every inch of your boddy with high-caliber bullets and then dump your mutilated corpse in an empty field.
    Sam: Yeah. Except then.
  • Sam: "Skin art."
    Max: Is that art for skin, or art made from skin?
    Sam: Your ideas are effervescent pustules, Max. Sparkly and disgusting.
  • Sam: What exactly is a professional trial witness?
    Sybil: Oh, it's great. We give dramatic testimonies, sequester ourselves in ritzy hotels, and order room service in the name of truth and justice!
    Sam: It almost sounds like you're taking advantage of this country's overcomplicated legal system.
    Sybil: Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Freelance police?
    Max: Yeah. Why didn't we think of that?
  • Sam: You don't feel uncomfortable with getting a case first and then being a witness for it?
    Sybil: Not at all. You see, the problem with most trials is that crimes are witnessed by someone who is unprepared for what is going to happen, or lack the training and skills to accurately relate what happened. With my background and widely varied skill set, I'm perfect.
    Max: That makes sense! Should I be afraid?
    Sam: Probably.
  • Sam: You seem, understandably, a little tense. Maybe you should switch to decaf.
    Sybil: What? Oh, yes. The coffee cup. I'm out of coffee but I'm so nervous I keep trying to drink it anyway! It's funny how stress can reduce you to just a bundle of mindless reflexes.
    Max: (to Sam) Is that what happend to me?
    Sam: Wouldn't it be wonderful to think so?
  • Sam: (looking at gumball machine) Hmm... Are those...? Yep, they've resorted to filling the candy machine with anti-depressants.
    Max: How depressing.
  • Sam: Do you have any... stray tufts of Sasquatch hair?
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do you have any... hats in the shape of a cow udder?
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do you have any... rubber chickens with a pulley in the middle?
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do you have any... amulets of protection against greater hypnosis?
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do you have any...
    Bosco: Non!
    Max: How do you know what he was gonna...
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do you have...
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do you...
    Bosco: Non!
    Sam: Do...
    Bosco: Non!
  • Sam: We're going after the biggest organized crime group in the business: The Toy Mafia.
    Max: The cutthroat killers with no respect for human life but an odd predeliction for delightful children's toys?
    Sam: The very same.
    Max: I love those guys!
  • Sam: Our job is to make contact with the mole and find out if he needs help.
    Max: Is he a large, starshaped mole or a small beauty mark?
    Sam: No idea, Max. To find him, we're supposed to give the code phrase "Does the carpet match the drapes?".
    Max: And what will he say?
    Sam: He'll say "Well, I never!" and smack me across the face.
  • Sam: You give out tokens to first time customers?
    Loveybear: That's right. Go on, live a little.
    Sam: It just seems like bad business sense.
    Loveybear: Okay, tell you what, thirteen hours from now, when you're trying to pawn your little friend here to pay off the vig, we can talk about bad business sense.
    Max: Okay, we'll come back then!
  • Sam: I hear you have a mole problem?
    Loveybear: Hey! It's a genetic condition! You should have seen my father's back!
    Sam: Holy cow, I'm actually being too subtle.
    Max: First time that's ever happened.
  • Sam: Hello there, freaky bear head wearing card dealer.
    Cuddlybear: Hello. I'm Cuddlybear. Wanna play cards?
    Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
    Cuddlybear: Wanna play cards?
    Max: We asked first!
    Cuddlybear: Wanna play cards?
    Sam: Hmm.
  • Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
    Leonard Steakcharmer: No. I spilled tobaccoo juice on the drapes.
    Sam: Candid yet sordid. Normally I appreciate that in a gambler.
    Max: But we'll make an exception in your case.
  • Sam: Are you a real Indian?
    Leonard Steakcharmer: Yeah, I'm a wooden Indian. As in woudn't bet against me! Ha ha ha.
    Max: I'll kill him!
    Sam: Not yet.
  • Leonard Steakcharmer: And if you and your partner try anything funny, I'll shoot you both.
    Max: That seems fair.
  • Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
    Toy Mobster: I don't know. I set fire to the drapes. I love to watch things burn.
    Max: Hey, me too!
    Sam: Sorry I asked.
  • Sam: It's a rubber ducky ashtray.
    Max: Leave it to the Toy Mafia to make smoking fun!
  • Sam: Let us in please.
    Toy Mobster: Only Toy Mafia are allowed in. Not that theres any Mafia here.
    Max: Okay, we want to join the Toy Mafia.
    Toy Mobster: Talk to Chuckles. He's the head of Mafia admissions.
    Sam: Where's Chuckles?
    Toy Mobster: Right behind this door.
    Max: This is what it would be like if Catch 22 had a meaner older brother.
    Toy Mobster: Look, I don't make the rules, I just blindly enforce them.
  • Sam: The password is... Swordfish.
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: The password is... Rosebud.
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: The password is... password!
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia?
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: I've come to grandma's funeral?
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: Who's on first?
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: Who's your daddy?
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: I Am the Walrus?
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: You remind me of this shopkeeper I know.
    Guard: Nope.
    Sam: I give up. Will you let me in, please?
    Guard: Nope.
  • Chuckles: The Toy Mafia could use guys like you who are long on brains and short on scrupples. You interested?
    Sam: We're not really joiners.
    Chuckles: Have you heard the term "offer you can't refuse?"
    Sam: Yes.
    Chuckles: This is one of those.
    Sam: I see.
    Max: I find it hard to refuse any offer whatsoever.
    Sam: It's true. Cereal companies love him. One even put his face on a box.
  • Chuckles: Do these three things for us, Sam and Max, and you will be as we are.
    Max: Verbally overwrought?
  • Sam: We want to talk to your boss.
    Chuckles: Nobody talks to Don Ted E. Bear, the head of the Toy Maffia!
    Sam: Doesn't he get lonely?
    Chuckles: Except for other members of the Toy Mafia.
    Sam: Oh, that would explain it.
  • Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
    Chuckles: The drapes? Ha ha ha ha, oh I'll tell you about the drapes my friend.
    Sam: Uh, no, that's okay.
    Max: Maybe his hobby is interior decorating, Sam.
    Sam: Let's not chance it.
  • Sam: Wow. You can watch the whole casino from here.
    Chuckles: And a few other places.
    Max: Or, you could watch Mary Tyler Moore.
    Chuckles: Who told you about that?!
  • Max: I've always wanted to be a thug. Officially, I mean.
  • Sam: Sweet mother of bleary-eyed gambling addiction, we won!
    Max: Yeah, we "won," but there's no prize!
    Sam: You gotta hand it to Ted E. Bear. He really puts the bandit in one-armed bandit.
  • Max: Could I get a grenade ketchup macchiato with extra foam?
    Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.
    Max: Who's joking?
  • Bosco: *GASP* You are right! It is a toy mafioso pretending to read the newspaper! He will not sneak past me, oh no!
    Sam: The price of paranoia is eternal vigilance.
    Bosco: *GASP* What if his toy mafia disguise is... Just a disguise?! I gotta see what he's reading!
    Bosco: Hmm. If he's pretending to read local news, he's CIA. If he's pretending to read international, he's CIA.
    Max: Quick, Sam. While he's distracted.
    Sam: Great Coleco's ghost!
    Bosco: Hmm comics. He may be Illuminati.
    Max: When Bosco gets distracted, he really gets distracted!
    Bosco: If he's pretending to do the word jumble, he's with The Knights of Malta...
    Sam: Special delivery...
    Bosco: Hmmmm. The society pages? Must be Skull and Bones.
    Bosco: He's pretending to read the gardening section. So, it's true, he is toy mafia!
    Max: I hope we don't lose Bosco's friendship over this.
    Sam: Me neither, he's me second favorite delusional paranoid!
    Max: Awww!
    Bosco: Oh no. Oh no! He's coming in! We're done for!
    Bosco: I surrender! I surrender!
    Bosco: Aaaah! I told you this would happen! I told you he would deliver, and he delivered!
    Max: I can't believe that guy!
    Sam: Don't worry, Bosco, we'll help you purge this place of mafia contraband just as soon as we solve whis case we're so incredibly busy with.
    Bosco: Oh yeah, you're real busy. You done nothin' but loiter around my store all day!
    Max: What can we say, we love to loiter!
  • Sam: What would you do with an inedible meatball sandwich?
    Max: I'd eat it!
    Sam: No, but it's valuable... And inedible!
    Max: I'd... Try to eat it?
    Sam: Let's say that it was something valuable you wouldn't want to eat--Like an antique vegetable!
    Max: Hmmm. I guess I'd either try to sell it or I'd try to hide it until I could sell it--Or maybe I'd do both so I couldn't get caught with it on me when I tried to sell it!

From Sam & Max Episode 4: Abe Lincoln Must Die (2007)

  • Sam: How do you stay in business?
    Hugh Bliss: Through the magic of volume! And free delivery!
    Max: You can have all the colours delivered to your door for no green!
    Hugh Bliss: (Stares blankly for a few seconds, then says in an overly cheery voice) I don't get it!
  • Sam: Hm. White paint, Christmas lights, and a small barbecue.
    Max: Everything somebody would need to renovate, decorate, and then accidentally burn the place to the ground!
    Sam: Later, Max, later.
  • Sam: (to Secret Service agent) Step aside, buddy. Freelance Police.
    Superball: Just a moment, sir. Papa Bear, this is Superball. Possible situation at the front door. Talking dog and... Err... Rabbit? trying to gain access to the OO. Please advise over.
    Max: Superball?
    Superball: Yeah, that's a negative on the access permissions, sir. I'll have to ask you and your little friend to step away from the White House.
    Max: Doggy Daddy, this is Loose Cannon. Request permisson to pants this goon, over.
    Sam: Before we try physical violence, Max, let's try dazzling the man with our razor-sharp wit and labyrinthine logical conundrums.
    Max: Ah, emotional violence! Good plan.
  • Sam: (Referring to a scary-looking sign that says Relax) That might be the most unrelaxing Relax sign I've ever seen.
    Max: What about the one at the barber that says 'Low Fatality Rate'?
    Sam: I stand corrected.
  • (Reading headlines)
    Sam: "Non-Mafia-owned casino destroyed by mysterious explosion"
    Max: Mysterious? I gave my name to reporters and even posed for pictures!
    Sam: Sometimes blowing something up is its own reward, pal.
    Sam: "President spied in love tryst with Sasquatch"
    Max: I give them three months, tops.
    Sam: "President appoints action figure as Secretary of Defence"
    Max: That is pretty crazy.
    Sam: Well, at least it was an action figure of John Shaft.
    Max: Oh, I can dig it!
  • Sam: (looking at gumball machine) Novelty gumballs, shaped just like the real thing, but made of inedible plastic.
    Max: Fool your friends, annoy your grandparents!
  • Sam: Do you have any... potatoes in the likeness of catholic saints?
    Bosco: Nyet.
    Sam: Do you have any... souvenir snowglobes from the mystery vortex?
    Bosco: Nyet.
    Sam: Do you have any... Lobstah Fahts brand cereal?
    Bosco: Nyet.
    Sam: Do you have any... tagalog rhyming dictionaries (abridged)?
    Bosco: Nyet.
    Sam: Do you have any... wiener cozies?
    Bosco: Da. We just get shipment of those in this week. Let me look.
    Max: Oh boy!
    Bosco: Wait, did you say "wiener cozies"? I thought you said, "Navajo blankets."
    Bosco: No, we're all out of wiener cozies.
    Sam: Do you have any... Navajo blankets?
    Bosco: Nyet.
  • Sam: (looking at cactus) Romance is a lot like this cactus.
    Sybil: Sharp and prickly at first, but worth the effort for the miracle of life at its core.
    Sam: I was thinking more, "fake and unappealing," but your answer's good too.
  • Sam: (looking at tiki) I wonder what future archeologists will learn from our most sacred treasure?
    Max: That you can watch 250 channels, and there's still nothing good on.
  • Sam: Hey, Sybil. What's new in the world of frequent, random career reassessment?
    Sybil: Hi, fellas. I'm really excited! I found the perfect job for me.
    Sam: You don't say.
    Sybil: That's right. I, Sybil Pandemik, am now a professional matchmaker.
    Max: I thought I smelled phosphorous.
    Sam: I thought I smelled that joke coming down the turnpike, burning oil and dragging its muffler.
    Sybil: It's a dating service, Max. I figured that if a smart, successful career woman like me could be having so much trouble finding a date, there must be plenty of other people who could use help.
    Sam: You're having trouble finding your soulmate?
    Sybil: You don't know the half of it. It seems like all the guys I meet are total losers. No offense.
    Sam: None taken. Hey!
    Sybil: Or else they're borderline psychopaths. No offense.
    Max: None taken. It's the borderline cases you have to watch out for!
    Sam: What kind of man are you looking for?
    Sybil: Older men. Guys with a little history to them are such a turn-on.
    Sybil: Oh, and tall men! And distinguished. And he should be experienced.
    Max: All right, enough already! Yes, I will go out with you, Sybil.
    Sam: I thought she was talking about me!
  • Sam: (looking at rathole in the Oval Office) Looks like there are rats in the Oval Office.
    Max: Sam, you've finally done it: A straight line so easy even I won't touch it.
  • Sam: (to the President's personal bodyguard) What do you do around here?
    Bodyguard: I give out free T-shirts to the visitor who asks the dumbest question of the day. Please accept my apologies, but we're all out of husky boys' sizes.
    Max: Oooo! Double-burn!
    Sam: I thought you were in my side, Max.
    Max: I just call 'em like I see 'em, Sam.
  • President: Ah! Are you two fellas the interpreters? It's about time! Darndest thing, we just had a couple of imposters in here. Dead ringers for you two!
    Sam: Were they walking around, examining everything and engaging everyone in pointless conversation?
    President: Those are the ones!
    Max: Those accursed clones! When will their devilish mimicry end?

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