Basil White

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To live fully is to let go and die with each passing moment, and to be reborn in each new one.
Jack Kornfield
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Basil White (born 1968-10-18) is an American stand-up comic.

Albums

Peeing on Stonehenge

"Creative people are misfits because they're not evil enough to fit in." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"Give a man a fish, tomorrow, he's gonna want another fish. Teach a man to fish, tomorrow, he's standin' next to you on the dock catchin' your fish. Kill the man. Chop him to bits. Tomorrow, you got bait. Don't make a friend. Make him your chum." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"Talking to kids is hard. My son asked me, "Dad, where do babies come from?" I said, "You know, son, my dad never told me, but I'm gonna tell you straight up. Mommy bends over like this. Here, just watch the tape. You're on it. Sorta. Good swimmer. Proud of ya, boy." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"There's a TV show called "Clean Sweep" where these women invade your home and make you throw away what you don't need. Their motto is, "If you haven't used it in six months, throw it out." By that logic, I have three weeks to get laid. And they said I couldn't write an interior decorating dick joke" - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I knew I had a drug problem when I got a voice mail message-from myself. "This is you. Marijuana has destroyed your short-term memory, so write this down. Buy more marijuana. Save this message." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"My favorite alcohol is tequila, 'cos my brain cells sing the Mexican National Anthem as they die." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I used to be a food addict. I switched to alcoholism. Oh, much better addiction. 'Cos you can drink enough to forget you're a drunk. You cannot eat enough to forget you're fat." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"Beauty magazines piss me off. 'Cos they teach you women to obsess about whether he approves of your clothes. I pick out my clothes by smell. And I went to college." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I started out as a sperm. Good swimmer. Liked eggs. Nine months later, Mom kicks me outta my first home. Since then, I've been livin' on the outside. Lookin' for similar accommodations." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"My comedy's kinda like a hug from a stranger. You flinch at first, then you kind of accept it." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"Don't shave drunk. Not even with an electric razor. 'Cos you don't know where to stop. Sure, my hair looks okay now. I'm wearing a shirt. So you can't see the smiley face. When I flex it winks." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I used to be real depressed. Doctors say when you're depressed, you should try to do something creative. All I thought of was a creative way to make my suicide look like an accident. Just write a note - 'It was never my intent to kill myself. I just wanted to rough myself up a bit. Teach myself a lesson.'" - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I spent most of my childhood playing video games. Mom said, "You're wasting your time with those video games." I work in Washington, DC. I use my Frogger skills every time I cross the street." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I like Science fiction conventions. Fun. They're like Mardi Gras without the hookers and the dope. Okay, without the dope." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I like goin' to theme parks in the summertime. Ride the rollercoasters. 'Cos I scream all the time anyway, so on a roller coaster I kind of blend in. You can always spot the atheist on a roller coaster. They're the one screaming, 'This isn't happening!' Summoning the courage of their belief in nothing." - Peeing on Stonehenge

"I have been drug-free for 17 months. I knew I had a drug problem when I got a voice mail message from myself. 'This is you. Marijuana has destroyed your short-term memory. So write this down. Buy more marijuana. Save this message.'" - Peeing on Stonehenge

"Allergy season. Mother Nature's way of telling me flowers get more sex than I do. I don't throw my seed all over the place. I keep it where it belongs. In a sock." - Peeing on Stonehenge

Books

The Comedy Thesaurus (ISBN 1-59474-058-5)

"My personal history: I started out as a sperm. Good swimmer. Liked eggs. Nine months, Mom kicks me out of my first home. Since then, I've been living on the outside and looking for similar accommodations. I find them occasionally, but I make a mess and have to leave."

"Refusal to accept reality does not change reality. My girlfriend broke up with me. I said, "I can't imagine you ever leaving me." She said, "Well, let me help. You stay here. I'm gonna turn around. Then I'm going to start walking. To you, it'll seem like I'm getting smaller."

"People do crazy things when we get bored. Sittin ' at home, nothin' to do, lookin' at the cats, teach the cats to wrestle. Take Cat Number One, rub catnip all over him. Put him next to Cat #2. The rest just sorta happens."

"It's fun to study your family and learn old customs. For example, if a stranger is too close to you, fing your poo. Respect our monkey heritage."

"I'm walking down the street, and a bunch of construction workers working on a building are whistling down at women. I pretend they're whistling at me, and I wave back, shake a little hip. They throw their Thermos bottles at me. I sell them on eBay. I think that makes me the winner."

"My wife comes home, and I've spread crap all over the house. I come home, and she's organized the refrigerator magnets in a grid pattern. Tell me again which one of us is crazy."

"Men hunt. Women gather. Men risk death to bring back meat. Women bring back useful things, like fruit, water, and hunters."


Squeaky Clean Comedy (ISBN 0-7407-5015-1)

"Saw a billboard for a restaurant: "Let us do the cooking for you." Well, thanks for explaining the fee-for-service concept. "Do you need surgery? Put down that scalpel and come to St. Joseph's."

"I'm codependent, which means I take the blame for everything. Codependents are fun to torture. "What you said to me was really hurtful--I'm just kidding. Why do you take the blame for everything? Gimme a dollar. It's the only way you'll learn. I can't believe you gave me a dollar. Why do you let people manipulate you like that? Gimme another dollar. It's the only way you'll learn."

"Someone spraypainted a frowny face on my door. Then they tied a blank piece of paper to a rock and threw it through the window. That'll teach me to make fun of the illiterate."

"Not all southerners are slow. Many of us are fast and jittery. Gomer and Cooter make you nervous? Wait until you meet Twitchy. But in the South, there are good reasons to move a little slow. It's hot. And we're armed. We've killed before, we'll kill again. We're tryin' not to kill anyone today."

"My girlfriend goes to a ladies-only gym called Curves. The name "Curves" is a celebration of a woman's natural body shape, the way God intended. I go to a gym called "Chunks."

"I love rollercoasters because I scream all the time, but on a rollercoaster I kind of blend in. You can always spot an atheist on a roller coaster. They're the one screaming, "This isn't happening!" Summoning the courage of their belief in nothing."

"My boss's answer to everything was "Think outside the box." He left his briefcase in the office. I put it outside. Outside the office are dozens of homeless people. Mission accomplished."


The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes (ISBN 1-59257-538-2)

"Talking to kids is hard. My son asked me, "Dad, where do babies come from?" I said, "You know, son, my dad never told me, but I'm gonna tell you straight up. Mommy bends over like this. Here, just watch the tape. You're on it. Sorta. Good swimmer. Proud of ya, boy."


"There's a TV show called "Clean Sweep" where these women invade your home and make you throw away what you don't need. Their motto is, "If you haven't used it in six months, throw it out." By that logic, I have three weeks to get laid. And they said I couldn't write an interior decorating dick joke."


"My favorite alcohol is tequila, 'cos my brain cells sing the Mexican National Anthem as they die."


I knew I had a drug problem when I got a voice mail message-from myself. "This is you. Marijuana has destroyed your short-term memory, so write this down. Buy more marijuana. Save this message."

Other

"Six Sigma is mankind's greatest method for identifying bad ideas. Only bad ideas operate with zero defects." -- From his website

"The web is a network of computers connected by people who can't write sharing content created by people who can't compute for people who can't connect." -- Basil White (paraphrasing Frank Zappa) -- From his website

External links