Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
Batman (Terry McGinnis)
- (to the Jokerz) It's a school night, boys and girls. I'm gonna have to call your folks.
- (after the Jokerz's vehicle crashes) That ain’t coming out of my allowance.
- Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it...
- -Changed to "yutzes" in the edited cut
- You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away. New Gotham, new rules... even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again!
- Bonk? Oh, right. Dead.
- Hello, Gotham. Joker's back in town! (Trademark laugh)
- (meeting the new Batman) Ah, the new boy. Ears are too long, and I miss the cape. But not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
- [after shocking Ace] End of the line, Snoopy.
- (working on a communications array, not looking up) You might as well show yourself. I heard you coming a mile away. [Batman decloaks] I'm no Boy Wonder anymore, but that old training never goes away, even at my age.
- Me and the others gave everything, but it just wasn't enough for the old man. I used to think, if I went on long enough, someday he'd retire and I'd... ah, the heck with it. Capes, costumes, bad guys - it was kid's stuff! Bruce probably did me a favor. By the end, I was so sick of it I never wanted to see that stupid Robin suit again...! [turns around; Batman is gone] Some things never change.
- Terry. I've been thinking about something you once told me. And you were wrong. It's not Batman that makes you worthwhile; it's the other way around. Never tell yourself anything different.
- Chucko: Batman showed up and we had to ditch, but we were able to save this: the console's memory board. [Chucko slides the board to Joker, who is sitting across the table. Joker catches it.] I know it's not much, but-
- Joker: "It's not much?" It's nothing! [The Joker smashes the memory board.] Losers, all of you! A disgrace to the name "Joker!" Why, in my day-
- Bonk: "In your day?!" Ever since you conned your way into this gang it's been "in your day" this, "in your day" that!
- Chucko: Bonk!
- Bonk: Your day is over, old man, even if you are who you say you are; and personally, I think you're a fake!
- Joker: Ah, brave new world, but it has such putzes in it!
- Bonk: He's got us running around, ripping out a lot of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, even if he has one! I want out!
- Joker: [Amused, the Joker pulls out a gun.] If you insist!
- Bonk: Hey, man, take it easy! I-I was, I was just kidding!
[The Joker fires, but a flag pops out of the end of the gun.]
- Joker: So was I! [The Joker chuckles and waves the gun, then shoots the flag into Bonk's chest.] Oops! No I wasn't! That's also how we did it in my day. You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, and even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this town another wedgie again! I have to know you're with me! Will you say it for me one time?
- Jokerz: [Terrified.] We're with you!
- Joker: A little louder.
- Jokerz: [Louder.] We're with you!
- Joker: Dee-Dee?
- The Dee-Dee Twins: We're with you!
- Joker: Boys?
- Chucko and Ghoul: We're with you!
- Joker: Bonk? ...Oh, right. Dead! [Pauses, breaking the fourth wall and gazing at the audience.] Dee-Dee, be a lamb and sweep out the trash. There's a good girls! You're renewed faith puts a smile in my heart! Let's say we forget about tonight's mishap and start over?
- Chucko: Great, Boss!
- Joker: Ghoul, m'boy, we're gonna need a new systems scanner; who's got one that they'd be willing to donate?
- Ghoul: Checking! What we need is cutting edge. These are the only other places we'd be able to find one.
- Joker: [Reading off a list.] Hmmm... Nope. Nuh-uh. Nope. [Finally finding a candidate.] Ah!
- Ghoul: There? Security's gonna be tight.
- Joker: Oh, yes! But think of the fun!
- Bruce Wayne: It's not possible. He died, years ago.
- Terry McGinnis: You're sure?
- Bruce: I was there.
- [Bruce gets up starts walking away]
- [there's a beat of silence]
- Terry [softy]: You killed him... didn't you? [Wayne stops and hangs his head, but still doesn't look at him] He was gonna do something so terrible that you had no other choice. That was it, wasn't it?
- Joker: You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peak.
- Batman: Maybe. But you don't know a thing about me.
- Joker: YOU? What's to know? You're a punk! A rank amateur! A costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man. Still, if it's whupping you're a-wantin'...
- [He rolls up his sleeves, and they fight; Joker gains the upper hand.]
- Batman: [To Bruce, through comlink] He's tough. Any suggestions, boss?
- Bruce Wayne: Joker's vain and likes to talk. He'll try to distract you. But don't listen. Block it out and power on through.
- Batman: Wait... I like to talk, too...
- [They fight, and Terry knees the Joker.]
- Joker: What're you doing?
- Batman: Fighting dirty.
- Joker: The REAL Batman would never--
- Batman: Told you ya didn't know me.
- Joker: Funny guy...
- Batman: Can't say the same for you.
- Joker: Impudent brat - who do you think you're talking to?
- Batman: Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
- Joker: [draws a laser pistol] Shut your mouth! [fires at Batman]
- Batman: [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him. [tosses a batarang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand]
- Joker: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
- Batman: Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. [hits the lights with a batarang, turning them off] The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
- Joker: I'm not hearing this...
- Batman: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
- Joker: (really getting angry) Shut up... Shut up!!
- Batman: I mean, joy buzzers, squirting flowers - lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
- Joker: Show yourself!
- Batman: You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic. [mimics the Joker's laugh]
- Joker: Stop that!
- Batman: (still laughing) So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What? You couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown? [continues laughing]
- Joker: [grabs some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
- Batman: [laughs more] Why? I thought The Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
- Joker: (throwing grenades) YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!!!
A significant portion of the movie is dedicated to the final battle between the original Batman and Joker; quotes from this segment are separated here.
- The Joker: What's the matter, Batman? No witty comeback? No threat? Then I'll provide the narration... [the screen flickers to life, showing "Our Family Memories"] I'll begin with how I peeled back the layers of the boy's mind. Oh, he bravely tried to fight it at first. You would've been proud to see him so strong - but all too soon, the serums and the shocks took their toll, and the dear lad began to share such secrets with me. Secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true, Batsy! I know everything. And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the sturm and batarangs, you're just a little boy in a playsuit, crying for mommy and daddy! It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic. [pause] Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway. HA HA HA HA HA HAA!
- Batman: I'll break you in two...
- Joker: Oh, Batman, if you'd had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago.
- Joker: You've lost, Batman. Robin is mine. The last sound you'll hear will be our laughter.
- Joker: (dying) That's not funny... that's not...
If you dont like the movie I've got slides.