Batman Returns

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There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud.
Carol Shields
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Batman Returns is a 1992 film that pits the caped crusader against both the Penguin and Catwoman.

Directed by: Tim Burton Written by: Bob Kane and Daniel Waters

The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot

  • [to Max] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably, and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
  • Odd as it may seem, Max, you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
  • [about his parents] I just want to know... why they did what they felt they had to do... to a child who was born... a little different. A child... who spent his first Christmas - and many since - in a sewer...
  • A penguin is a bird that cannot fly! I am a man. I have a name. [pauses, reluctant to accept it] ... Oswald Cobblepot!
  • I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two! But it's human nature to fear the unusual. [After visiting his parents' grave]
  • [to Batman, after they both encounter Catwoman] I saw her first. Gotta fly!
  • [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless AS a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle-scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
  • [seeing Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been looking for.
  • [to Catwoman] Why should I trust some Cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
  • [to Catwoman] You're beauty and the beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
  • Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched pinhead puppets of Gotham!... You gotta admit, I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell!
  • [after a failed attempt to kill Batman] He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!
  • [when an angry crowd throws various things at him] Why is it that someone always brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?!
  • [showing up at Max's party] You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
  • Right now, my troops are fanning out across town, for your children! Yes - for your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could get juiced on Max's Shreggnog, and dress up like jerks, and dance, badly!
  • [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
  • They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!
  • [fighting Batman] You're just jealous 'cause I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!
  • But what it all comes down to is, who's holding the umbrella?!
  • [Poisoned by toxic waste after falling into the sewer water, he aims an umbrella (normally armed with a gun) at Batman, only to reveal a child-entertainer one] AUGH! SHIT! I PICKED THE CUTE ONE... UGH, AGHH!... This heat's gettin' to me... AUGH... I'll murder you momentarily... [chokes] But first... I need a cold drink of iced water... [falls over gurgling and choking, dead]
  • I believe the word you're looking for is 'Aaaaaaaaaah!!!'.

Catwoman/Selina Kyle

  • Wow! The Batman... or is it just Batman? [After meeting Batman for the first time]
  • Honey, I'm home! Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
  • [to Schreck] How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
  • I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much... yummier. [after her first transformation into Catwoman]
  • I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
  • [to intervening police officers] You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.
  • [after Batman hits her] How could you? I'm a woman! [Batman lets his guard down and she attacks] As I was saying, I'm a woman... and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch; now so am I.
  • Saved by kitty litter. [looks at the arm Batman napalmed] Bastard.
  • [after appearing during Batman's rescue of the Ice Princess] Did someone say fish? I haven't been fed all day.
  • Gotta go, girl talk! [After capturing the Ice Princess]
  • It's always the so-called "normal" guys that let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.
  • [to Bruce Wayne, after mutually uncovering each other's secret identities] Oh God... does this mean we have to start fighting?
  • You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?! [To Schreck]
  • [as her lives are being depleted by gunshots] Four....five...still alive! Six… Seven… All good girls go to heaven...
  • [To Bruce after he revels himself as Batman] Bruce...I would..I would love, to live with you in your castle...forever just like in a fairytale [looks at Bruce and scratches him] I just couldn't live with myself! So don't pretend this is a happy ending!!
  • [Batman shoves Schreck and tells him he's going to jail] Don't be naieve [cracks whip] the law doesn't apply to people like him or us.

Batman/Bruce Wayne

  • (to Catwoman after she says she hasn't eaten all day) Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.
  • (last words in the film) Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.
  • (When the Batmobile doesn't compact like it should) Alright, now I'm a little worried.
  • (responding to Alfred's comment about "security" when repairing the Batmobile) Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"

Other Characters

  • Ice Princess: The tree lights up and then I push the button. No, no, wait, wait! I press the button and then the tree lights up, I press the button and then the tree lights up...


[Max Shreck meets the Penguin for the first time]
Penguin: Hi.
[Max gasps, as if about to comment on Penguin's appearance]
Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
Max: [to himself] My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
[The Penguin goes through umbrellas concealing various weapons]
Penguin: Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
Max: [regains confidence] Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
[Penguin loosens an umbrella featuring a hypnotic spiral. He then spins it, making the spiral twirl.]
Penguin: Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
Max: [regarding the umbrella] Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
Penguin: No. Just give you a splitting headache!
Max: Well it's not working--
[Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max with a deafening gunshot; Max reels back in alarm]
Penguin: [cackles] You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
[He indicates a hole up to the surface]
Penguin: Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
Max: [skeptical] And exactly why am I gonna help you?
[One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
Penguin: Ah, what have we here?...
[He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
Penguin: First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max: [not worried] That could've come from anywhere.
Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
Penguin: [grins] Good idea...
[He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
Penguin: ... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max: [rattled] Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"...
[He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand]
Penguin: [scarily cheerful voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
[Max considers briefly]
Max: You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
[He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]

Selina Kyle: Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
Max: Actually, it's a lot like that.

Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
Batman: I tried to save you.
Catwoman: Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.

Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Penguin: Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!

Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.

Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.

Josh: There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
Penguin: It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
Josh: (to himself, confused) Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)

[After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
Penguin: My babies... they missed me...
Henchman: Great speech, Oswald--

one of Penguin's men: I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
(Penguin shoots him)
Penguin: No! IT'S A LOT! (kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river)

Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a *very* big ball of string.
Catwoman: Your blood, Max.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave, at the office.

Max: Selina?! Selina Kyle! You're fired! (to Batman) And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron!
Max: Was.
(Max shoots Batman)
Max: Don't.
Catwoman: You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!
Max: One way to find out.
(Max shoots Catwoman)


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