Being John Malkovich

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In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
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Being John Malkovich is a 1999 film about a puppeteer who discovers a portal that leads literally into the head of the movie star, John Malkovich.

Directed by Spike Jonze. Written by Charlie Kaufman
Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can. (More Taglines)

Craig Schwartz

  • You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
  • Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
  • Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
  • I'd fuck myself (watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body).
  • Look away. (looking through Emily's eyes at the end)

Maxine Lund

  • Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
  • Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
  • Just one question. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Lotte Schwartz

  • Help! He's locking me in a cage!
  • Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.

John Malkovich

  • I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see.
  • That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever.
  • It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!

Charlie Sheen

  • Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
  • Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.
  • Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!
  • You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.


  • Dr. Lester: Forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes.


Lotte: You are so full of shit Maxine!
Maxine: I know.

Lotte: For the first time, everything just felt right.
Craig: It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.

Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?
Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.
Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!
Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?
Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!

Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?!
Lottie: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.
Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!

John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lottie.
Charlie Sheen: Ouch! That is hot! Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal! Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John M.: What are you talking about, done with her? Tonight really freaked me out!

Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig: Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings onto you! Hahaha!

John M.: I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!
Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.

Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!
Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.
Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: What's he been in?
Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.


  • Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can.
  • Ever Wanted To Be Someone Else?
  • Be All That Someone Else Can Be.


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