From Quotes
The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others.
William Lyon Phelps
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Bewitched (1964–1972) was an American TV sitcom about the adventures of Samantha Stephens, a witch who, to the dismay of her family, married a mortal man, Darrin Stephens. The series starred Elizabeth Montgomery.

Season 3

Super Car

[Endora 'pops' in while Darrin has a day off from work.]
Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today.
Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.

The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye

[Samantha is trying to convince a cow (who she believes to be Aunt Clara) to go to the kitchen. It won't budge.]
Samantha: Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.

Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best.
Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.

The Trial and Error of Aunt Clara

[Samantha is trying to hide a witches court meeting (attended by Endora, Clara, Enchantra and Hagatha) from Darrin in the other room.]
Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there.
Samantha: You do?
Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right?
Samantha: Sort of.
Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar?
Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.

Three Wishes

Darrin: That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!

Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you.
Darrin: Sam!
Samantha: I'm going home to mother.
Darrin: What do you mean "going home to mother"? Your mother's always here.

Cousin Serena Strikes Again

[Referring to Darrin's beautiful, but snobby, client.]
Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.
Darrin: What for?
Samantha: To have her nose lowered.

Charlie Harper, Winner

[After losing to Charlie all day.]
Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something.
Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes.
Darrin: 11.
Samantha: Oh, pardon me.
Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me $10 bucks, but I won.

The Crone of Cawdor

Samantha: When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]

Season 4

My What Big Ears You Have

Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding!
Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.
Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls.
Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?
Darrin (realizing Samantha's point): That's true.

Season 5

Darrin, Gone and Forgotten

Samantha: Happy sweetheart?
Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.
Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?
Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!
Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.

Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.
Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.

Samantha: Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.

[Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]
Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.
Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.

It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House

[After Darrin yells out loud.]
Endora: I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

[After Darrin insults Endora]
Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.
Darrin: Let me try a little harder.

Samantha: Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.
Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

Samantha's French Pastry

[Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]
Uncle Arthur: When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.

Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.
Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.
Darrin: Ironic?
Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?

Is It Magic Or Imagination?

[Darrin is trying to apologise to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].
Darrin: The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!

Samantha Fights City Hall

Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.
Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.
Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.

Samantha Loses Her Voice

[Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].
Larry Tate: Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.

I Don't Want to Be a Toad, I Want to Be a Butterfly

[After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].
Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem?
Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

Weep No More My Willow

Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.
Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.

Season 8

A Plague on Maurice and Samantha

Maurice: Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.

[Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]
Maurice: Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.

Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.
Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.
Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.

Hansel And Gretel In Samanthaland

Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb?
Darrin: Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.

The Warlock In The Grey Flannel Suit

[After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]
Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.
Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.

The Eight-Year Witch

[After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.]
Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new.
Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years.
Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right.

Three Men And A Witch On a Horse

[Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]
Samantha: Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".

[Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]
Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.
Samantha: And so's your horse.

[When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]
Samantha: He'll catch up.
Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.

Adam, Warlock or Washout?

[Maurice is greeting Samantha.]
Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.
Samantha: Aw, thank you, Daddy. You and Byron say the cutest things.

Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical.
Maurice: Thank you, Endora, your charm is ageless. So sad about the rest of you.

[Maurice is greeting Tabitha.]
Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa.
Maurice: Tabitha! How is my little princess?
Tabitha: Fine. I can always tell your voice, Grandpapa.
Maurice: Yes, people say it has a unique quality.
Tabitha: And it's so loud, too.

[Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.]
Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft.
Endora: You see, Samantha's husband - that mortal lamebrain - absolutely forbids the use of witchcraft in this house.
Witches Council Representative #1: No.
Endora: Yes.
Witches Council Representative #2: No!
Endora: Yes!
Witches Council Representative #1: No!!!
Endora: Why do you keep saying 'No' when I keep saying 'Yes'!!!

Samantha is Earthbound

[After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)]
Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple
Mrs. Prescott: It's called love, Wilbur.
Mr. Prescott: Why's he holding her like that?
Mrs. Prescott: That is also called love, Wilbur.
Mr. Prescott: He's gonna help her dress?
Mrs. Prescott: Love, Wilbur!
Mr. Prescott: Sick, Selma.

Samantha on Thin Ice

Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft?
Samantha: Why would I want to do that?
Darrin: Could you or couldn't you?
Samantha: Darrin, why is it you think that witches need witchcraft for everything?
Darrin: Not everything. Just everything difficult.
[Samantha turns around in a huff!)]
Samantha: Well!
Darrin: Can you learn to skate the mortal way?
Samantha: Are you challenging me?
Darrin: Yes
Samantha: I accept. And if I can't, I will be more careful in the future about accepting challenges.

Serena's Youth Pill

Samantha: In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.

[Larry doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!]
Larry Tate: Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator

Tabitha's First Day at School

Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school?
Samantha: Of course she's ready for school! [pause] The question is, is school ready for Tabitha?

Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha?
Tabitha: It's not a dumb name.
Charlton, the bully: How come I've never heard it before?
Tabitha: Because you never met anyone named Tabitha!

[After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.]
Charlton's Mum: Why does he keep saying that?
Samantha: Well, maybe it's a case of ego identification.
Charlton's Mum: Yeah. [She thinks for a second.] What's that?
Samantha: Well, a bullfrog suggests bully, doesn't it?
Charlton's Mum: Yes.
Samantha: Do you follow me?
Charlton's Mum: No.
Samantha: Children need love and understanding. Without it, they sometimes become overly aggressive and turn into bullies.
Charlton's Mum: Oh. Charlton, did you really think you were a bullfrog?
Charlton, the bully: I WAS a bullfrog.
Samantha: Love and understanding, Mrs Rollnick.

[After Samantha has convinced the bully's Mum that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog]
Tabitha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you?
Tabitha: I have an idea.
Tabitha: What's that?
Tabitha: How about a little love and understanding?
Tabitha: Why is it that I feel like the fox thats been cornered by the chicken!?

George Washington Zapped Here

[After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill].
George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow?
Samantha: That's Abraham Lincoln. The 16th president.
George Washington: He must have been a very fine president to have his name honoured on a $5 bill.
Samantha: He was an excellent president, Sir.
George Washington: Better than me?
Darrin: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
George Washington: Then why is President Lincoln's name on a $5 bill while the father of his country is only on a $1 bill?
Samantha: Well, you see, more people can afford $1 bills than $5 bills which means more people see your picture than Abraham Lincolns.

Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority".
George Washington: Experience has shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer evils while those evils are sufferable, than to right themselves and abolish those abuses.

[Referring to Esmerelda]
Darrin: How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch pyschiatrist for her!

School Days, School Daze

Samantha: How would you like a drink?
Darrin: Sam, just give me the news, without the anaestethic.

A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished

Samantha: Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?

Samantha: Did Larry like it?
Darrin: He hated it. Right up until the time that Benson loved it.

Samantha's Witchcraft Blows a Fuse

[Referring to Dr. Bombay].
Samantha: There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam

Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry.
Darrin: Since when does she have to be angry to be difficult?
Endora: Your right, Derweed. I don't have to be angry to be difficult. [pause] But it helps.
Samantha: Oh, Darrin. When are you going to learn that mother knows best. And what mother knows best - is how to be difficult.

[The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast]
Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works.
Samantha: Well, it doesn't work on me. But I love you. And that is the truth, the whole truth and etcetera.


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