Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

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The really happy man never laughs—seldom—though he may smile. He does not need to laugh, for laughter, like weeping is a relief of mental tension—and the happy are not over strung.
Prof. F. A. P. Aveling
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Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is a 1989 film about two teenagers who utilize time travel in order to complete a history paper.

Directed by Stephen Herek. Written by Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon.


  • [future Ted to himself] Ted! Don't forget to wind your watch!
  • Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.
  • Now where are we, dude? Oh. It's my house.
  • Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?
  • Billy! You are handling the oddities of time travel with the greatest of ease!


  • You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!
  • [responding to Freud's invitation to examine him] Oh, no thanks, I just have a slight Oedipal complex.
  • Shut up, Ted!


  • Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California --- 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean, the water is clean, even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up, minigolf scores are way down. And we have more excellent waterslides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great! But it almost wasn't. You see, 700 years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry, it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.
  • [putting on his sunglasses] Gentlemen... we're history.
  • [Last line] They do get better.


  • Napoleon: [Napoleon fails to bowl a strike.] Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde! Merde! (Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!)
  • Mr. Ryan: It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
  • Sigmund Freud: I demand einen lawyer.
  • Jock giving speech: San Dimas High School football rules!!
  • Socrates [speaking Greek] Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
  • Abraham Lincoln: Be excellent to each other. ...And... party on, dudes!


[in classroom]
Mr. Ryan: Who was Joan of Arc?
Bill: Noah's wife?
Mr Ryan: Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr Ryan: Yes, son, stand up.

Ted: Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: Shut up Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut UP, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked your mom to the prom?
Bill: Shut UP, Ted!

[an early morning jam]
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
Bill, Ted: And we are... WYLD STALLYNS!

Capt. Logan: Hello.
Bill: [in a Jeff Spicoli like accent] Capt. Logan, this is Deputy Van Halen, down at the station?
Capt. Logan: Deputy Van Halen?
Bill: Uh, I'm new dude-sir! Look, we found your keys. If ya want 'em,better come and get 'em!

Ted: [to himself] 1275...1275... [to Bill] Okay. The lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport. I knew it!
Ted: [to lady] Excuse me! When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady: I don't know. I just work here.

Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted: Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus: Well, perhaps we could ask them.

[Bill and Ted meet their future selves]
Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted from future: 69, dudes!
Bill, Ted: Whoa.

Bill: [Reading from phone book] The only true wisdom consists in knowing, that you know nothing.
Ted: That's us, dude.
Bill: Oh, yeah!

[Napoleon has finished his ice cream]
Waiter #1: All behold! He ate the Pig, thus proving that he's...
Waiter #2: A...
Waiters: Zyggie Piggy! Zyggie Piggy! Zyggie Piggy!

Future Ted: Rufus!
Future Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.
Future Ted: Right. Oh, and Ted? Give my love to the princesses?
Ted: Who?
Future Ted: You'll see.

Ted: Where are we, Rufus?
Rufus: Austria, 1805. The French have just invaded.
Ted: Whoa, Bill, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude!

Billy the Kid: [to Abraham Lincoln at the White House] Candygram!
Abraham Lincoln: Yes, what can I... [Genghis Khan yanks him in the booth.]

Bill: Be excellent to each other.
Ted: Party on, dudes!

Henry VII: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted: Excellent!
[air guitar]
Henry VII: Execute them.
Bill, Ted: Bogus!

[Bill And Ted Hug]
Both: Fag.

Ted: Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our friends.
Bill: This is, uh, Dave Beeth Oven.
Beethoven: Sie sind so schön, Madame.
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy, Herman the Kid...
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan, Dennis Frood, So-crates Johnson, and, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
Miss Preston:[completely oblivious] It's so nice to meet you all. There are sodas in the fridge.

Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

Napoleon: Excusez-moi, Monsieur!
Bowling Alley Manager: Hold on there! Not so fast, buddy!
Napoleon: "Buddy?"
Bowling Alley Manager: You ain't paid yet.
Napoleon: Pay?
Bowling Alley Manager: Pay.

[Napoleon is about to enter a waterslide]
Napoleon: Qu'est-que c'est ça?
Waterslide Attendant: Buddy, you're holding up the line!
Napoleon: Sacre bleu.
Waterslide Attendant: Come on, buddy!

[Napoleon is using Risk figures to show his plans to invade Russia]:
Ted: ...I don't think it's going to work.
Napoleon: No?
[Napoleon slams his ruler on the map furiously]:
Napoleon: Triomphe Napoleon!


  • History is about to be rewritten by two guys who can't spell...
  • Time flies when you're having fun.
  • Party on, dudes!
  • Brace yourself amigos for a most triumphant video! (UK VHS box)
  • The funniest comedy in the history of history.


See also

External links