Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall is an American comedian, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Quotes

  • My daughter's in school, now and she's learning these new words that she doesn't know what they mean. She'll just use them because they sound interesting. Like, one time she said to me, "Dad, I can't eat my cereal." and I said, "Well, why not?". She said, "'cause my milk's frustrating." And I hear this and now I know where Quayle has his problems, now. Wouldn't it have been great to hear the the first time he used the word "sununu" in a sentence. Yeah. "Well, George, the war had to end "sununu" or later."
  • My girlfriend in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right!" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"
  • You ever heard of a rattlesnake round up? What they do is these guys go and find around 30 to 40 rattlesnakes, which is like the third or fourth most deadliest snake in the world. They take these snakes and put them in a cage not smaller than this stage here. They send guys and girls to go into the cage and put the snakes in sacks. Well why don't we just jump out in front of trucks on the highway? [Pretends to jump] Yep! [Pretends to get hit by a truck; laughs] My bad.
  • I was watching the news and there was a report about this 30-foot python just livin' under some guy's house. How do you miss this? Wouldn't your first clue have been, "Honey have you seen the dog? Honey?"
  • You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
  • (on trampolines) I discovered two very important facts that day - Number One: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number Two: The dog doesn't like to bounce.
  • I finally figured out what (Spam) stands for: Stuff Posing As Meat.
  • Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. (as in Honey do this, honey do that...)
  • (When asked who was the smartest member of the Blue Collar Comedy tour) Me! Of course.
  • My daughter's right in the middle -- which is where you want them to be, I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids. . . which is cool--until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with.
  • (mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish) "Hey - Perch..." (points at his eyes, then at the imaginary perch's) "Look at me..." (thinks, concedes, then points at the sides of his head where a fish's eyes would be) "Look at me..." - oh, I've thought it all through - "if you ever see a worm... in the shape of a J... swim away. That's how we lost your Uncle Pike."
  • (mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you eat a worm?" "Oh I was on the riverbank... catching my breath..." - thank you, those of you who got that...
  • Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened?! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. . . I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"?
  • She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this: [cracks up laughing and points] But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend, Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy. . .fer." She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
  • [on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.
  • [after Steve Irwin gets poison spat at him by a spitting cobra] Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: THEY'RE SPITTING COBRAS, YOU MORON!!
  • [taking his family on a cross-country trip in an RV] I'm weaving all over the road. . . I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats.
  • I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
  • If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently somebody told my son there's a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, WSSHH! They're gonna snatch it away!
  • My daughter came home from high school the other day and said "Daddy, can you help me with my math homework?" I said, "Sure, honey, let me take a look at it. ... When did they start putting letters with it?"
  • Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.
  • [about an incident in a coffee shop]
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
  • [about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.
  • Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long. "Okay, everyone who hates me in one line, and everyone who wants to kill me in another".
  • [his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any . . . thoughts . . . about huggin', or . . . kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"
  • She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh . . . is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
  • My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But he doesn't have what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
  • [after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, baloney and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.
  • [about a clerk at a record store]]
He's got a ring in his eyebrow, one in his nose, a bar in his lip, and one in his tounge. And he can't figure out why I can't look him in the eyes.
  • I may not have worn the hippest stuff in the world, but when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
  • [during a bit about dogs]
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
  • [about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]
Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery ... twice. That would be awesome. Or you get a phone call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the front page of the paper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion ... on trampoline night. That would be awesome. And I started thinking about what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be if I left this stage tonight and went back to my hotel room. And Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said "have a good time." THAT would be AWESOME! It ain't gonna happen; but that would be awesome.
  • [to his son at Arlington National Cemetery]
Hey! HEY!! GET OFF THAT!!! 'Cause he's dead, that's why!

Here's Your Sign

Engvall's trademark routine is "Here's Your Sign". He retells stories of people asking him stupid questions, to which he gives a sarcastic response, similar to Mad Magazine's Snappy Comebacks, followed by "Here's your sign".

His explanation for the "signs": I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

  • Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.

Passerby: Y'all flyin' a kite?

Engvall: Nope, fishin' for birds! Here's your sign.

  • On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.
Engvall's wife: Oh my God! Were you on the ground?
Engvall: Nope, Santa was making one last run. Here's your sign.

  • On a trip to go deer hunting with his wife:
Engvall's wife: Why do they put those [Deer Crossing] signs up? Deer can't read!
Engvall: No, but they do recognize pictures of themselves. Here's your sign.

  • On the self-same trip:
Engvall's wife: When do the deer turn up?
Engvall: I don't know. They didn't return the call to set up the meeting!! Here's your sign.
  • Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.
Cop: You get your truck stuck?
Engvall: God bless that trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope, I was deliverin' that overpass and I ran outta gas." Here's your sign.

  • Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Attendant: Tire go flat?
Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!
Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.
Engvall: Here's your sign.

  • Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.
Friend: Y'all movin?
Engvall: Nope, me and the wife just like to pack all our stuff up once or twice a week, see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

  • Engvall and his buddy get of a boat with a big string of bass.
On-looker: You catch all them fish?
Engvall: Nope, talked 'em into givin' up. Here's your sign.

  • Engvall has an Elk hung on the wall
Neighbor: Did you shoot that thing?
Engvall: Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

  • Engvall is in an office elevator going up.
friend: Excuse me, are these the elevators that go up?
Engvall: No, these are the ones that go side to side. The up ones are down the hall. (to audience) HE WALKED AWAY!
  • In the lost luggage office in Buffalo
Lost luggage employee: Can I help you?
Engvall: Yes, you lost my luggage.
Employee: [looking directly at Bill] Has your plane landed yet?
Engvall: No, princess. I'm having an out of body experience. I'm just checkin' on it.
  • In the store, Bill is buying some pants
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.
  • Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.
  • Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repaintded and he has a piano in the corner
Painter Is that yalls piano Jeff Nope thats our coffie table it just has buck teeth Heres Your Sign.
  • Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, TX. to Houston, TX. and is talking to the Flight attendant.
Flight attendant Is there going to be someone to pick him up in Houston. Ron Nope I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck Here's Your Sign

"Here's MY Sign..."

  • As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:

Jeff Foxworthy: Tell'em the one you did...
Engvall: Aw, why'd you have to bring that up?
Foxworthy: Come on, share that one with the group.
Engvall: Alright. Well, nobody's immune from this, not even me...
Foxworthy: Not even Brainiac here...
Engvall: I'm in the car park at the mall, and there's this guy with a coat hanger inside his window... and I could not stop myself. I said, "You lock your keys in your car?"
Driver: No, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry (dumbass). Here's your sign.

  • At the Engvalls' home, as told in Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again and Here's your Sign: Reloaded:

Engvall's son, Travis: I'm going to play you a song from Harry Potter, Dad, on the piano.
Engvall: Oh, the movie?
Travis: Nope, the book. Here's your sign.
When telling the joke on Blue Collar Tour Rides Again, he stops the son before he says "sign".

  • On holiday in Hawaii, as told on Bill's album Cheap Drunk:

Engvall: Me and my wife were lying on the beach, and this girl walks by with a coconut bra on - literally, they just take a coconut, cut it in half, put strings on it and they wear it. Looks fine to me. But my wife made me laugh 'cause the girl walked right in front of us...
Bill's Wife: Oh My God... d'you think those are real?
Engvall: Well, the way they're jiggling, probably--
Bill's Wife: The COCONUTS!!
Engvall: Here's my Sign...

  • At the beach *

Engvall: My son and his friends were surfing when one of them just wiped out, big time. I was laughing so hard, and he came out of the water, slapping the side of his head, and I could not stop myself. I said, "You get water in your ear?"
Travis' Friend: Nope, my eyeball's stuck, trying to get it loose! Here's your-
Engvall: [Stopping him] Ah-ah-ah!


Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

External links

Wikipedia
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