- I see your lips movin', but I can't make out the words... I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn... Soooo hot...want to touch the hiney...Awoooooooooooooooooooooo!
- It's Nudey Magazine day!
- He called the shit "poop"!
- Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!
- I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
- That's QUACKTASTIC! Quack, quack, quack!
- Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.
- Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
- JUST DO IT!
- You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?!
- (singing) Oh, Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Oh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. (bus approaches) Well, here goes nothin'.
- Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! [He notices a white swan on the edge of the bathtub.] Stop lookin' at me, swan!
- (after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house)(drunkenly) Oh. I see what's goin' on here. (penguin waves at him) So sorry to interrupt! (turns to Veronica) Proceed.
- You ain't cool, unless, you pee your pants. All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.
- (after Ernie hangs up the phone) YOU BLEW IT!
- Chlorophyll? More like BOROPHYLL!
- I choose Business Ethics.
- [Menacingly] O'Doyle, I gotta feeling your whole family is going down... [Chirpy] but right now, I gotta study.
- Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
- Hey, kids it's me, I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head! Ha Ha Ha!
Game show host
- Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
- O'Doyle rules!
- Billy Madison:(Faking sickness so he can skip school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp.) I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
- Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits. Ah ha ha ha!
- Billy Madison:(disgusted) Oh, my God! I'll go to school!
- Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of "ace". I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
- Billy Madison: No, you don't.
- Bus Driver: Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...him and her *got it on*! Whoooooo-eeeeee!
- Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
- Bus Driver: No, no, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, huh?
- Dan: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl
- Billy Madison: Kid can't even read.
- Ernie: Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
- Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!
- 3rd Grader: Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants.
- Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants! Everyone my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!
- 3rd Grader: Really?
- Billy Madison: YES! You ain't cool...unless you pee your pants.
- 3rd Grader: Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. All right!
- Old Farm Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
- Billy Madison: OH! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go!
- O'Doyle: Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.
- Billy Madison: I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best video game ever.
- O'Doyle: Donkey Kong sucks!
- Billy Madison: You know somethin'? You suck!
- Lunch Lady: Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made'em EXTRA sloppy for youse! Ha ha ha! I know youse kids like 'em sloppy!
- [The lunch lady laughs evilly.]
- Billy Madison: Lady, you're scarin' us!
- Billy Madison: You want some of this milk?
- Veronica Vaughn: That milk belongs to that classroom.
- Billy Madison: Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
- Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.
- Billy Madison: Oooh, that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
- Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.
Billy: (singing while relaxing in his pool) Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it! Will ya?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! (makes a smiley face with sunblock) Smiley!
- Billy Madison's Going Back To School... Way Back.
- To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School... Way Back.
- There's A New Name For Dumb.
- A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever.
- PUSSY whats PUSSY
- Adam Sandler — Billy Madison
- Bridgette Wilson — Veronica Vaughn
- Bradley Whitford — Eric Gordon
- Darren McGavin — Brian Madison