Black Books

From Quotes
Only the really plain people know about love—the very fascinating ones try so hard to create an impression that they very soon exhaust their talents.
Katharine Hepburn
Jump to: navigation, search

Black Books (2000-2004) was a British television sitcom, broadcast on Channel 4 and written and directed by Dylan Moran, Nira Park and Graham Linehan. It aired three series, each of six episodes.

Series 1

Cooking the Books (1.1)

Customer: [Pointing to a shelf] Those books, how much?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds.
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No.
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. (smacks a bell on his desk) Next!

[After Manny has left the bookshop]
Bernard: What a strange man.
[Bernard picks up a megaphone and proceeds to shout through it:]
Bernard: Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out.
Old Woman: What?
Bernard: Sorry, we're closed. Get out.
Old Woman: But it's only quarter to three!
Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop.
[Bernard picks up a broom and starts shooing people away with it]
Bernard: Come on, out out out.
Refined Customer: [Standing up to Bernard] You know, I expect better service -
Bernard: Well, expect away. Come on, you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets, out out out, back to life, back to reality, thank you.
[He kicks the door shut on them]

Fran (offering Bernard a mysterious object): Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
Bernard: What is it?
Fran: It's a thing.
Bernard: Is it?
Fran: Yes.
Bernard: What does it do?
Fran (after considering): It's very in.
Bernard: You don't know what it is, do you?
Fran: I-it's very now!

Fran (surveying the contents of her shop): I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

[On being asked to explain his 'filing system' to his accountant]
Bernard: (Pulling screwed up paper out of his jacket pockets) This is March to... oobely-boo, this is misc, and this is... other.
Nick: Other what, other weeks, other backdated weeks, is it?
Bernard: No, other...times. So it goes, this week, very recent, and...all other times.
Nick: You've gotta help me out here, Bernard, I mean, what period does all other times cover?
Bernard: I don't know, Nick, I'm not...[long pause]... Wonder Woman!
Nick: This new system, it's modelled quite closely on the old system isn't it?
Bernard: No, I'd go as far as to say that it's exactly the same.

[After Nick the Accountant has fled from the police, forcing Bernard to do his own taxes]
Bernard: I'm not doing my accounts.
Fran: Why?
Bernard: Because you can stick it up your arse.

[On attempting to fill out his own tax return]
Bernard: Yeah, I'll give it a go. I'm sure I'll muddle through.
[Sudden cut to much later, as he's actually trying to do them]
Bernard: What?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!

[Questions on Bernard's tax return form]
Bernard:'If you live in a council flat...beside a river...but are not blind... - WHAT?!?! What is your mother's maiden name'? What's her first name?! I just knew her as 'Ma'! Ma. That'll have to do.
[Writing it in]
Bernard: 'Ma... Possibly deceased'.

[Bernard is trying in vain to do his taxes; there is a knock at the door]
Bernard: Oh, thank Christ!

[Bernard opens the door to reveal two Jehovah's witness']

Jehovah's Witness #1: Hello. We were wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard: ... Great! Come in! [waves them in]
Jehovah's Witness #1: [Stunned] What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now?
Jehovah's Witness #2: It's a trap!!

[After being admitted to the shop to discuss Jesus; Bernard is waiting for the Jehovah's Witnesses to start]
Jehovah's Witness #1: Well, to be honest... we've never actually thought this far ahead. [Looks around] It's nice this... indoors.
Bernard: So, so what's your favourite story about Jesus?
[Pause. The two Jehovah's Witnesses think very hard]
Jehovah's Witness #1: Oh yes! The one where Jesus rescues the Samaritan.
Bernard: No, that's a story Jesus tells about a Samaritan who rescues someone else.
Jehovah's Witness #1: [Surprised] Really?

[After Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"]
Doctor: Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...
Manny: [Interrupting] Oh my God! Oh, sorry.
Doctor: ...during that time.
Manny: Oh my God!
[The doctor's beeper goes]
Doctor: Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says...
[Holding the X-Ray up to the light]
Doctor: ..."Whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island".

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Bianco, there's been a bit of a problem. We went in to remove the book and, to put it in medical terms, it's gone. Or, to put it another way, it's not there any more. I don't know how this could have happened, the only logical explanation is that you've somehow assimilated it into your system, which is, of course, impossible.
[Manny is sitting up in bed, supernaturally calm, with a halo of light surrounding him and a beatifically peaceful expression on his face]
Doctor: How do you feel?
Manny: Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you'll soak yourself calm.
Doctor: I'm sorry?
Manny: If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Doctor: Um, maybe I should let you get some rest...
Manny: When you rest, you are a king, surveying your estate. Look at the woodland. The peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Doctor: ... Yes.

Manny: [To a woman in labour] When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

Manny: [To Fran] Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.

[After being hit by a skinhead, knocking his serenity out of balance]
Manny: Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Bernard: [To angry, violent skinheads threating Manny] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
[The skinheads drop Manny, turn around and face Bernard menacingly]
Bernard: Hey, you know when you're doing that threesome thing that you do of a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and that, does that not get a bit confusing? Right... This is you, right?
[Bernard does an insane, effeminate dance]
Bernard: Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la!
[Stops dancing, points at a skinhead's football scarf]
Bernard: Millwall! That's the one. Have you heard this chant, then? "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated..."
[The skinheads, in unison, punch Bernard in the face]

Manny: Well, I could do your accounts.
Bernard: What?
Manny: I'm an accountant - well, was an accountant. It's the least I could do.
Bernard: You mean you could do more?
Manny: Well, yes.
Bernard: Could I have a glass of wine?
Manny: Yeah, sure.
Bernard: And a ham sandwich?
Manny: If you like.
Bernard: [Excitedly] With a pickle?!
Manny: Okay.
[Bernard grins insanely joyously (his wounded face makes this especially hideous)]

Manny's First Day (1.2)

[Manny goes to Fran's shop for help getting into the bookshop.]
Manny: I'm supposed to be working in a bookshop. I'm Manny.
Fran: Fran. What bookshop?
Manny: The one next door.
Fran: What, Bernard's bookshop?
Manny: Yeah.
Fran: Bernard hired you?
Manny: Yeah, yeah he did, yeah.
Fran: You're working for Bernard?
Manny: Indeed I am.
Fran: Wait, wait, Bernard. Irish, smoke, drinking, [Fran contorts her face] aaaraarghaah...that Bernard?
Manny: Yeah, that's the one. I thought it would be nice, you know, working in a bookshop. Mellow, you know.
Fran: Mellow?
Manny: Yeah.
[Fran starts to laugh manically.]
Fran: Run away!

Bernard [on being woken up by Manny]: Am I dead?
Manny: No.
Bernard: Who are you? Have I joined a cult?
Manny: No, I'm Manny. You hired me yesterday.
Bernard: Oh!
Manny: You remember?
Bernard: No.

Bernard [about the job]: The pay's not great, but the work is hard.

Bernard: What did you order?
Manny: Lager.
Bernard: I got you creme de menthe.

Bernard: [After Manny has woken him up] What time is it?
Manny: Half ten.
Bernard: Half ten? Half ten? I've never been up at half ten! What happens?

Bernard: I'm sorry, son. I've made some kind of terrible mistake. You obviously don't have what it takes to sell a book. People don't want them this early in the morning.
The 'I Love Books' Man: Hello! [Bernard and Manny turn, revealing this man, standing behind them, wearing a T-shirt reading 'I love books'] I'd like to buy a book, please!
Bernard: What book?
The 'I Love Books' Man: I don't care. I'm just in a real mood to buy a book.
Bernard: We're closed, get out!
The 'I Love Books' Man: Hmm. [Looks at his watch] Maybe I'll swing by the bakery. [Leaves]

Bernard [after Manny has answered his mobile phone after crying 'Ow ow ow!']]: What's that, with the 'Ow ow ow'?
Manny: I used to work a lot with the mobile, and it must have done something to me, because now, just before my phone rings, I get a very sharp pain in my head.
Bernard: What's the number?
[Manny gives him the number.]
Bernard: Could you pass my phone, please?
[Bernard dials the number.]
Manny: Ow!
Bernard [laughing]: That's brilliant.

[Bernard and Manny are arguing about Bernard's rules for the customers, hand-written on a board.]
Manny: This is indecipherable.
Bernard: Look, it is perfectly simple. No mobiles. No walkmans. [he is stumped] None of this...or any of the others!

Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself.
Manny: Well, I was born in London...
Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something.

Manny: So, grew up in London, saw a lot of army bases...
Fran: Ah, your father was in the army?
Manny: No, just coincidence.

[Bernard and Manny discussing the state of the shop]
Manny: Okay, fair enough. You know, this could be a really lovely place.
Bernard: [Defensive] It is a lovely place!
[Manny walks over to a spot near the door]
Manny: Yeah? You'd have to wax the shelves, and get rid of whatever it is that makes you stick to the floor over here.
Bernard: You're supposed to stick to the floor over there. I like it like that. Stops children running around.
Manny: Seal the floors, stop that rising smell... and you do know you've got molluscs on your pipes?
Bernard: What of it?
Manny: Well, it's just that traditionally they live in the sea.

[After Manny has expressed an interest in bringing in some standard lamps]
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?
Manny: [Surprised] I'm not.
Bernard: But you're interested in [Fran joins in] lamps.
Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps.

Manny: I thought you were, actually. Gay, I mean.
Bernard: So did I, for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygeine. And all that dancing!

Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
Manny: They want to buy books.
Bernard: Yeah but why me? Why do they come to me?
Manny: Well, because you sell books.
Bernard: Yeah, I know... but...

Bernard: What?
Customer: Um...I'd like to buy a book.
Bernard [picking up a random book and handing it to him]: Here's one.
Customer: No, I was--
Bernard: This one's very, very good.
Customer: Oh. Is it?
Bernard: Yes. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life. £5.99
Customer: Okay. [he hands Bernard a £10 note and Bernard closes the door] Uh, my change?
Bernard: Can you come back later?
Customer: Well, no, I'm not coming back this way.
Bernard: Where do you live?
Customer: 15 Galexie Gardens.
Bernard: Right. Go there...and await my instructions

[Fran and Bernard discuss Manny.]
Fran: He's great, Bernard, what's wrong with him?
Bernard: He's trouble, is what he is! I can smell it a mile off. He's got all sorts of fancy notions, and, and, and, he, do you know what I saw earlier, where you weren't here and you couldn't have seen it? He was sucking his trousers, and laughing!
Fran: That's a lie, isn't it?
Bernard: It...no!
Fran [getting up]: Laughing, you say?
Bernard: No, don't, I made it up.
Fran: Come on, Bernard, you'd be crazy to let him go. You could use somebody normal around here.
Bernard: Normal?! Normal, is he? Well, what am I then?
Fran: Well, you're a freak, Bernard, you know that.
Bernard: Yes, I know! ... BUT I HAVE RIGHTS!

Bernard: [To Manny] You there, Lord of the Rings. Let's talk about how this whole one day trial thing is going. At the moment, you're fired.

Bernard: [finding out Manny has a bottle of wine] [very fast, taking wine] Welcome aboard!

[As a handful of students enter the shop]
Bernard: Christ! Customers! Why didn't you lock the door?!

Manny: [As businessman enters store] I bet I can recommend and sell a book to this bloke here.
Bernard: Tenner.
Manny: You're on.
[Manny approaches businessman customer]
Manny: Hello...
Businessman: [Bellowing] Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen in shops! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not - but you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now I've finished with you, YOU MAY GO!!
Manny: [To Bernard] Best of three?

Bernard: Hello? Is this the place from where you order books for when you want to sell them in your bookshop?

Bernard: Manny, let's talk about how this trial day went.
Manny: Well, I think it went quite well.
Bernard: You sold a lot of books. And got on quite well with the customers.
Manny: [Pleased] Yes!
Bernard: I'm going to have to let you go.
Manny: [Shocked] But... I sold a lot of books! I got on well with the customers!
Bernard: It's not that kind of operation.

[Fran has just forced Bernard to rehire Manny]

Manny: Ow!
Fran: What?
Manny: Ow!
Fran: [getting panicked] What?
Manny: Ow ow ow!!!

[camera moves back to show Bernard with phone repeatedly hanging up and pressing redial]


The Grapes of Wrath (1.3)

Bernard: Manny, Manny, Manny,...
Manny: (walks in) Will you please stop shouting at me?
Bernard: Sorry. Where's the cork... Your hair looks amazing... Where's the corkscrew?
Manny: I don't know. I don't know where anything is. Have you been back there recently? It's like Dresden!
Bernard: The place isn't that bad.
Manny: It is that bad. For one thing, didn't you have a cat?
Bernard: Oh yeah, where'd he go?
Manny: I found him.
Bernard: (starts to get up) Nipsey? Brilliant!
Manny: (stops him) No, you don't want to see him.

Bernard: Why are you stressed?
Manny: Because I opened the fridge door and found shin bandages next to the cheese!
Bernard: That's just a little...
Manny: There's jam in the bath!
Bernard: Oh come on!
Manny: You are a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat. (finds old pizza box and opens it) Look. (shows the contents to Bernard)
Bernard: Pizza! I was going to warm it and eat it later. Everybody does that! That's normal. You are looking for things to complain about!
Manny: (casting a hand over the pizza) And what are these?
Bernard: (looking) Wasps...

Manny: Right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!

[Fran and Bernard are discussing her ex-boyfriends]
Fran: Or Raymond. Do you remember Raymond?
Bernard: What was his thing? Didn't he live with his mother?
Fran: Yeah. In a car.

[A cleaner has been hired by Manny to clean the shop]
Cleaner: This is going to take some time. Everything's very... dirty. You have grime under the taps, that's very nasty. The state of the bathroom is shameful. And the dust! Oh the dust!
Bernard: The place isn't that dusty!
[The cleaner moves his finger through the air briefly, and it quickly becomes coated in dust]
Cleaner: The worst thing is the cups. Yes. You have very, very dusty... cups. I want to clean your dusty cups from the inside out...
Bernard: [Freaked] Ok! I'm just going to go sit over here, ok? Anything else about cleaning, you can ask Manny.
[Bernard spills his ashtray on his trousers and rubs the ash in]
Cleaner: [Fascinated] What are you doing?
Bernard: Some ash fell, I'm just rubbing it into my trousers...
[The Cleaner slides into frame as if on wheels, apparently standing despite being eye-to-eye with the crouching Bernard]
Cleaner: What ever am I going to do with you...?

Speaking into dictaphone
Cleaner: Miscellaneous soiling, sectors B through K. Corner of room contains cobweb and a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.

Bernard: [Slurring] Old wine is good wine.
Manny: [Also slurring] Yes, but... expensive wine is good wine also.
Bernard: Yes, but the older the wine is, the gooder it is.
Manny: Ah, but by the same token, the more expensive the wine, the gooder it is also.

Bernard: [staring into a wine glass] Look at the colours...all the colours...Well...Yellow.

Bernard: [Considering a glass of wine] It's like looking into the eye of a duck.
Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Manny: [Holding a neck massage machine to his chest] Bernard! Look! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

[Bernard and Manny have just realized that they have drunk an entire bottle of extremely rare, extremely expensive wine]
Bernard: How much did you say it cost?!
Manny: [Having a panic attack] Seven... thousand... pounds...
Bernard: Right, well I've got £3.50 on me. How much have you got?!

Manny: We'll get him a present! How about a... a box of pencils?
Bernard: No.
Manny: No, but nice ones, really nice ones.
Bernard: I think, if we were going to give him pencils for drinking his wine, then they'd have to be magic pencils. You know, you draw a cow, the cow comes to life, those kind of pencils!

Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Is there any more?

Bernard: [Gibbering insanely] They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do. To create a new strain of superwine in half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a fool for an assistant. "Bernard Black, "He's mad!" they'd say, "He's insane, he's dangerous!" Well, I'll show them! I'll show them all!

Bernard: [Regarding the branch Manny has given him] What's this? This isn't oak! Why did you get so much? You fool! [He begins thrashing Manny with the branch]

Bernard: [Walking through the again filthy back room] Jam jam jam, jam jam jam,... [sits down and takes a bite of his jam on toast] Ugh, ugh,... [throws the toast upwards, which sticks to the ceiling]
[later]
Bernard: [opens his newspaper] Oh my God.
Manny: What?
Bernard: Oh my God...
Manny: What? What?
Bernard: [shows Manny front page headline 'Pope killed by inferior wine - Man held', then points at the top left corner] It's the 19th. It's my birthday!
[Manny stares in horror at the headline, as Bernard's jam on toast lands on his head]

The Blackout (1.4)

Bernard: You know Gerald and Sarah?
Fran: Gerald... uh... your friend...
Bernard: Friend?! When I first came to London, he, he put me up, he lent me money, he helped me find a job, he helped me find this place. I was, I was an incredibly good friend to him. And, even though, even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her. Well, once. Twice. A few times. But not after I realised just how angry it made him. Well, once, but only because...
Fran: Get on with the story.

[A little boy in pyjamas walks into the room while Bernard is talking with his friend Gerald]
Gerald: [To Bernard] Oh, you remember Jimbo, don't you?
Bernard: I'm not sure... [to Jimbo] What do you do?
Gerald: No, he's our son.
Bernard: Oh thank god. I thought you had a disease! Oh, this is a child!

Bernard: [To Jimbo] The songs, Jim! Ohhh, they'd melt your face!

Manny: [Pretending to talk on the police station telephone, being watched by a policeman] Uh, yeah, hello...Raiders! You'd...just...better...watch it! Or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen! And we'll arrest your arse! [timidly] Bye!

Inspector Barry Norris: Hey what's with the, uh, face-fungus?
Manny: Uhh, undercover, undercover work. Got to blend in with a heavy metal group... who stole some... furniture. Bastards.

[Doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' with a local criminal]
Manny: You have... beautiful eyes.

Manny: I'm not a real policeman!
Criminal: What?
Manny: They think I'm a policeman! I'm not! I've just had too much coffee! What do I do? You've got to help me!

Manny: Well you know, Barry, I'm just... I'm just one copper, trying to make a difference.
[Manny then falls off his chair, stands up quickly, falls over the chair and stands up again]
Manny: Fell off my chair to some extent... you know, Barry, I've been doing this job for twenty minutes... YEARS! Twenty years. Since I was... fifteen. And uhh you know, it doesn't get any easier. That's why I've made my decision to retire. That's right, Barry, I'm retiring. Nogsy was my last case. I've had a hundred per cent success rate. I'm only getting older and slower. It's time for this old warhorse to be put out to pasture.

Fran: I certainly did. I spent some time explaining in very clear terms why he was a scumbag and the fancy lady he was with was a slut.
Bernard: It was his sister.
Fran: Yes.
Bernard: He was comforting her.
Fran: She lost her job.
Bernard: Ah. He won't be seeing you again?
Fran: He says he wants to see other, less mad women.

Manny: [on a reversed chair with his legs apart, after sitting down heavily on 'himself'] [very high pitched] That was a particularly bad one.

The Big Lock-Out (1.5)

Bernard: [To Manny] Hey, Genghis.

Bernard: [To Manny] You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Manny: You think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard: [Discussing the shop's new security system] OK, for the moment, just tell me the code.
Manny: [Panicky] There was a little man!
Bernard: ..."There was a little man," that's the code?
Manny: No, no, no, I didn't actually hear the code because he had a little man in his hair!
Bernard: [Annoyed] ...Well, the little man in my hair is getting very, VERY angry.

Fran: Oh, yeah, Bernard... something came... up. I'm so so sorry. Umm what did you do?
Bernard: Oh just my usual night out, you know. Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours. Hung out with a pornographer. Got a job in a burger bar. You know, the usual.

Manny: Bernard, I'm sorry...
Bernard: It's okay, don't worry about it.
Manny: No, no... there's something else...
Bernard: [Alarmed] What? What did you do? [Manny mumbles] What did you DO?!
Manny: I ate all your bees!

[Variant to the above in outtakes]
Manny: I ate all your bees!
[Pause]
Bernard: You fucker.

He's Leaving Home (1.6)

[Manny has run away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities while on the phone with Bernard]
Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

Customer: You know, I'm probably getting a lot of secondary smoke from you.
Bernard: Don't worry about it. Get me a drink sometime.

Fran: Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.

Bernard: [Holding yo-yo] Without him it's just a yo!

Manny: [On being asked to act as an 'escort' to a visiting Japanese businessman] There is no way I'm going to the casino, alright? Now look, you have given me everything that money can buy. Yes, I've slept on satin sheets, I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl, I've been driven all over town in minicabs. But there are some things that money can't buy. Like the love I found in a little bookshop off Russell Square. Yes, love. You know, not, well, not love so much more... more... freedom! You know, fre... well, not really freedom, more a largeness of heart. Well, not really a largeness of heart... or freedom... or love. But I was never contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen, alright? And that is not nothing, that is something.

Series 2

The Entertainer (2.1)

Bernard:Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you will toil your life away and I will die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard: Hello, I am, not that it matters, Bernard.
Kate: Kate. The book is good. Thank you.
Bernard: Do you eat ? I do. Do you want to eat together in the same room, sometime ? You are busy, you are probably seeing one of your four million friends.
Kate: It's tomorrow alright ? You did ask me out, didn't you ?
Bernard: Yes, yes. I did. And Look what happened. I am sorry to bother you.

Bernard: [To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!

Fever (2.2)

Bernard: Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.
Fran: You don't stare at me.
Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.

Bernard: Look at her. I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things.
Manny: She's not even sweating. Has she not glands?

Female customer: Excuse me, have you got a... [Bernard hands her a book] Oh.
Bernard: [To male customer] One for you too. [hands him a book]
Female customer: How do you know what we want?
Male customer: We don't like the same sort of stuff anyway.
Bernard: You're going on holiday. You want trash. But you want different kinds of trash. [To female customer] You're a woman, you want social themes, believable characters. [To male customer] You, you want plots, suspense. This'll do you both.
Female customer: Hmm...
Bernard: [Holds up another copy of the book] There's this temp, right? She's 29, she can't get a boyfriend, oh my God.
Female customer: Sounds great!
Male customer: No, no way.
Bernard: And she's got 12 hours to stop nuclear war with China.
Male customer: Great!

Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

Bernard: [On Manny's 'Dave's Syndrome'] It's like that fudge thing of yours, what is it, you have to eat lots of fudge because...
Manny: It stops me going deaf!
Bernard: And the other one, what is it, you only travel in vans.
Manny: [Urgently] No! Other way round! Never let me be put in a van, never, never!

Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come round and look after my small children.
Fran: Look, if you don't believe me you can come around tonight and we'll watch the wall!
Manny: Don't be ridiculous, we'll be staying in and watching the thermometer tonight. Won't we, Bernard? Eh? Eh? Won't we?
Bernard: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers, I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

Fran's Neighbour: Would you like to come in for a coffee and we can talk about this?
Fran: Oh yeah, coffee, yeah, yeah, coffee that I've spilt on the carpet, you've picked up with tweezers, put it in a jar and now you're going to serve it right back to me?... Ok that was mad. But everything I said before that was true! I want my flat back!

Landlord: Girls, girls! You're both such lovely girls! You'll be sharing sugar in no time. Don't fight. And if you do, fight proper, with pillows... and jim-jams.

[Manny discovers the radiator is on]
Manny: The heating's on!
Bernard: I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.
[Manny switches off radiator]
Manny: Don't do that again!
Bernard: You're making this up! It's pathetic. I'll have no malingerers in my shop. Now go and fetch my lolly.
[Manny switches off fan, walks to freezer, removes a wine bottle with wooden stick protuding from it and hands it to Bernard. Bernard takes winebottle by protuding stick, swings it behind his head and hits it on a bookcase, shattering the bottle, and begins licking it like a popsicle]

Manny: Bernard! It's 84 degrees! It's 84!
Bernard: Relax! I got you a present. Here. [Hands Manny a hot water bottle] The latest thing. It actually sucks out all your body heat if you make sure it's full of boiling water. But you do have to wear it all the time.
Manny: And you will stay with me, just in case?
Bernard: No no no no, I'm a boyfriend now. I've got duties. Lots of sighing and holding hands and not finishing sentences.

Fran: [to Bernard] You bastard! You nine-sided whore!

Manny: (wearing a thick jacket) Bernard, this Therm-away jacket you bought me, it doesn't seem to be working. I feel quite warm!
Bernard: Trust me, it's what the astronauts use to keep cool.
Manny: (perplexed) Is space hot?
Bernard: Of course it is! Where else do you think we get pineapples from? I hope you're wearing your Heat-B-Gone bootees.
Manny: Yes. [lifts feet to show giant furry insulated boots]

[After Fran has promised him sex in order to restore her room, only to back out of the deal]
Landlord: But I thought... you said... I moved the wall back for you!!

[Bernard runs up to his 'summer girlfriend' wearing an accordion]
Bernard: Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.

[On finding that his 'summer girlfriend' doesn't actually fancy him]
Bernard: No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do.

Bernard: Listen, this whole thing... we're old friends. Don't you think it's about time now, you know, that we actually admitted that we're hugely attracted to one another? You know. Just for the summer?
Fran: No I don't. I think we should wait a bit.
Bernard: Till when? Yeah?
Fran: Until at least one of us is dead?

The Fixer (2.3)

Fran: I can't do this job. All I know is that there are biscuits in the stationary cupboard.

Bernard: He's a midget. A tiny midget.
Manny: What if he overheard?
Bernard: He won't. His ears are too small!

Bernard:[Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] He's scary! He eats popudoms without breaking them!!

Bernard: [Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to climb out of the bowl!

Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Manny: It's just unfortunate you got fired immediately after I [realising]... spoke to him...[very fast] But everything's gonna be alright, and it'll be ok, because it's all very very good.

Manny: She's playing with fire; he's not ready for Nibbly Pig!

[After recording an audio book of his autobiography, Danny starts his next audio book project:]
Danny: "It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife..."

Blood (2.4)

Bernard: Where are my ingredients?
Manny: We've cooked them all!
Bernard: I don't care! We can make a feast from anything. This paint! This paint will make a tasty dish!

Bernard: My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook...bits of oven!

Bernard: Manny, do you have a tower of soup for me?!

Customer: How much is this?
Bernard: Three pounds.
Customer:(wagging head) Ahh. Mmm...
Bernard: Is there something wrong with your head? (customer keeps wagging head) Are you wagging it to say "no there is nothing wrong with my head", is it just uncontrollable?
Customer: Uhh...
Bernard: You want the price put down?
Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering on a book a mere 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.

Manny: Bernard, where's the thing?
Bernard: It's on the thing on top of the thing!

Hello Sun (2.5)

Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
Bernard: Do they, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

[Shortly after Fran gives up alcohol and cigarettes with her new friend]
Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.
Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Nodding, smiling] Yep...
Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Still nodding] Yep...
Bernard: ... this is fantastic. I'm in heaven.

[After receiving therapy, Manny has decided to confront Bernard]
Bernard: You look different. Have they put you on steroids?
Manny: [Calm but withering] What are you talking about, you silly little man?
Bernard: [Indignant] Now look here - !
Manny: Haven't you got some work you should be doing or something? And isn't it about time you had a really good scrub?
Bernard: [Hurt] It isn't my fault I look like this, you haven't washed my things -
Manny: [Patronising] Ah - we can't blame others for our own appearance, can we?
Bernard: [Flustered] Well, no, but, no...
Manny: I suggest you wash your own socks if you can chisel them out of your shoes. I'm going for a nap. I don't want to be disturbed.
Bernard: [Hysterical and shrieking, obviously upset] How dare you speak this way to me?! My own son!!! [Realizes what he's just said]
Manny: What did you say?!
Bernard: Nothing. Nothing.

Bernard: Oh, listen to you! You're becoming one of them! You're going over to the other side, to the land of sandals, spoon-benders, and yoghurt-fanciers. Where everyone farts all the time because they don't know how to laugh.

Fran: Everyone should meditate.
Bernard: Oh, lets. Then we can all make some tofu for the dolphins that live in the fridge.

A Nice Change (2.6)

[Bernard reads a film review in the newspaper]
Bernard: What's this? "Blue Tunes. Matt Damon. Ben Affleck. Minnie Driver."
Fran: Oh I hate her.
Bernard: "Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second-hand record shop with his halfwit moustaschioed assistant, Danny." (Manny scoffs) "When this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam, things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap?!

[After the disastrous holiday; recalling a dark voyage down a tropical river]
Fran: At least the natives thought Manny was their God.
Manny: [Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
Bernard: [Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] We said we wouldn't talk about Canada!!

Bernard: [To Manny, who has lost the keys] Funny, isn't it, travel, it's just one thing after another. You're fired.
Fran: Well now, look...
Bernard: And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either.

Bernard: [Firing Manny, due to the distastrous trip] Here, here's your redundancy package. I'm sorry most of it is in Phenobian wooden dollars, but then that's largely your fault!

Fran: Do you want to come outside?
Bernard: I am cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush! If you want a fight then come inside!

Bernard: Naughty little passport! Hiding in the crisps again!

[Manny hands Fran bannanas after she decides to sleep in Bernard's Bed]
Fran: No thank you I'm not hungry.
Manny: Oh no they're not for you just chuck them under the bed.
Fran: Why? What's under there?
Manny: Dunno. We just call it: "The Thing."

Series 3

Manny Come Home (3.1)

Bernard is guiding Fran through the shop
Bernard: Forward, and then it's left... at the dead badger.

Bernard: [To Fran] Lovely to see you. Mwah mwah.

[Viewing Manny at his new job - the bookshop next door]
Bernard: There he is. Half Iago. Half Fu Manchu. All bastard.

Evan: There's no need to flinch! You're safe now. When you're with us, you're a team member. What are you?
Manny: A team member.
Evan: [Warmly] And we're glad to have you.
[Manny goes to eat a muffin]
Evan: [Threateningly] Muffins are for customers.

Evan: Now, Manny, as a team member, your going to need a password
Manny: [Enthusiastically] Yeah, how about SurfKing?
Evan: Hey! Or how about [flatly] TeamMemberNumberEight.

Evan: [To Manny] Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you.

Evan: I took a risk when I hired you, Manny. Many people would have said "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?"

[Manny gives Bernard his breakfast]
Manny: The beans are under the milk.
[Bernard looks at his plate in disgust]
Bernard: That's it, you're evicted!
Manny: What?
[Bernard picks up a sausage from his plate]
Bernard: Up with this I will not put!

Bernard: There may have been an... incident, involving a hand and a kitchen appliance, and maybe the hand was Manny's and maybe the appliance was a sandwich toaster, and maybe I introduced them to each other.

[After Fran has tried to reconcile Bernard and Manny]
Manny: No, wait a minute. This is all about you, isn't it Fran? You're being totally selfish. Why can't you let us have our vicious, soul-destroying break-up in peace?
Bernard: He's right. We are in pieces and you don't care about anything except having somewhere to hang out. It's never going to be as it was, Fran.
Manny: I agree.
Bernard: We agree, Manny and I are opposed on every point.
Manny: Well put.
Bernard: Thank you.
Manny: My pleasure.

Manny: Well, I'm off, since it's all over between us. I'll write.
Bernard: I won't read it.
Manny: Well, then, I'll call.
Bernard: I'll hang up.
Manny: Well, then, I'll come and see you.
Bernard: I'll be dead by then.

Evan: When you look at me, Manny, what do you see?
Manny: Well...
Evan: I'll tell you. You see me and you say 'hey, there's Evan. He's a young guy. He listens to the Stereophonics and rides a scooter. Let's see how far I can push him!' Well, you've let me down, Manny.
Manny: [Humbled] I'm really sorry. Please give me another chance.
Evan: I need a sign, Manny. A sign that you can change. I need you to do something for me.
Manny: What?
Evan: [Darkly] I think you know.
[Manny is handed a towel and a hair shaver.]
Evan: [Messianically] The hair, Manny! It's a wall, between you and me, between you and the customers, between you - and the future! We need you to look like this!
[Holds up a photo of Manny with a really short haircut]
Manny: Please, not the hair! Anything but the hair! I've had it since I was nine!

Manny: Bernard, I'm sorry. It was my fault you toasted my hand.

Bernard: [Lying horizontally between two bookshelves] Manny, I don't feel so good. I feel as if I've been beaten up underwater. I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake. Please, will you help me?

Manny: [About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!
Bernard: [To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing!

Evan: Okay! I tried! There's obviously no point outreaching to people like you. Manny, in two years you could have been vice-deputy-sub-assistant! But you're not! You're here, crawling around on the ground like the worm you are!!

Outtakes

Fran and Bernard remove a brick from the wall which enables them to see Manny's new job.
Dylan Moran: [turning suddenly to face the camera] BEANS! Oh sorry, that wasn't it...
Tamsin Greig: [staggering away] He got told to say "There" and the more he was told he had to say "There" the more he wanted to say "beans"!

Elephants and Hens (3.2)

[Bernard, eating an icecream and smoking, is approached by a child]
Child: [Snottily] Smoking makes you dead. It turns your inside all black inside and explode in hospitals. My daddy says only criminals and bad people smoke.
[Bernard stares at him, bemused, as his mother approaches]
Mother: I'm sorry. Timmy's not bothering you is he?
Bernard: No, but I'm afraid I don't allow ice cream in the shop.
Child: I don't have any ice cream!
Bernard: I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.
[Child turns to side; Bernard's ice cream has been crammed inside his pocket]
Mother: You bad boy! No books for you. [To Bernard] I'm so sorry.
Bernard: [Smugly] Not at all.

Manny: Bernard, it's hot in the worm.

[Wearing a large worm-suit, Manny has been reading stories to children, but goes to leave]
Child: [Obnoxiously] You haven't finished, worm! What happened to the rabbit?!
Manny: [Fed-up] He... starved to death. The end.

Bernard: Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...
Manny: Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-
Bernard:[hysterically]] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

[Coming up with ideas for a mouse in a children's story]
Manny: Uh, he lives, he lives, um...
Bernard: This, this had better be good, Manny. This had better be perfect.
Manny: [Desperate] Ummm... bottlebank!
Bernard: [pauses, thinking]... Oho! Brilliant! Fabulous!
Manny: And he, uh, he... plays the trombone!
Bernard: Keep going, keep going!
Manny: And he only eats... erm... liquorice!
Bernard: Manny this is gold! Solid gold!
Manny: [more confident] His best friend is a... panda!
Bernard: [losing it completely] NO! NO! NO! Awful! Bilge! Child poison! You stay away from the story!

[Sat at his desk with a typewriter]
Bernard: I'll co-write this with... myself!
[Pulls out a second typewriter]

[The text of Bernard and Manny's 'classic' children's story]
Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. [Both shake heads] Look in the alligator's mouth.
Manny and Bernard: [In unison] It's not there either!
Manny: [Crescendo] Ohhhhhhh... The monkey's got it up the tree! He gives it back. They all drink lemonade. The end!

Fran: You didn't write anything, did you?
Bernard: No, actually, we wrote a very good children's book.
Manny: Yeah! And then we had to destroy it, because it was too good.

[After Fran has won the bet]
Bernard: By the way - how was your evening?
Fran: [Obviously lying] It... was... bliss best time in the whole world!
[Bernard, looking unconvinced, puts his hand out for the money Fran owes]
Fran: Oh, there you go, [hands Bernard the money], it was AWFUL. But well, the weddings off so I don't have to buy a present. Hey, I'm up on the weekend!

Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa (3.3)

Bernard: [Regarding Manny] He looks like a horse in a man costume.

Moo-Pa: Shop's still called Black Books, I see?
Bernard: Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!

[Discussing Manny's parents]
Bernard: My bedroom's next to theirs. If I hear any nonagenarian hanky-panky, I'm calling the police.

[Bernard and Fran are 'persuading' Manny to get rid of his parents]
Fran: Unless they are gone within the next 5 minutes, I'm going to tell them that I'm a psycho-biker-junkie-whore.
Manny: It's just for the weekend!
Bernard: No! Not another hour. Not another minute. I'm about to stop playing 'Who should I kill first?' in my head and just go with what feels natural. I'll start with me, then it's you.

Bernard: Would you like to explain to me before I turn you into a moo-CORPSE?!

Manny: Moo-Ma. Moo-Pa. I've got something to tell you. I'm not a partner in the shop, and Fran isn't my girlfriend. In fact, I'm just a middle-aged man who works in a bookshop and spends his evenings eating cereal.

A Little Flutter (3.4)

[After Bernard has taken up gambling and is looking through the Racing Form to develop a 'system']
Manny: There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.
Bernard: Don't get pious; you started me off.
Manny: That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.

Manny: [To Fran] Hah! You're toast! T-O-E-A-R-S-T. Toast.

[An American tourist comes into the shop looking for a book on modern warfare]
Tourist: I don't want your history grotto. I want modern warfare, tactical systems, killzones.
Bernard: Military history is on your right. If you have any questions please fire two rounds into the ceiling!

Travel Writer (3.5)

Manny: I'll tell you where you should go, Venezuela. It's amazing
Jason: Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?
Manny: Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.
Jason: North or south?
Manny: North.
Jason: [Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.

Exterminator: [Sees the shop] So, let me guess, mice? No, wait, you've got cockroaches.
Bernard: Yeah, we do, but don't touch them, will you? It'll upset the bat.

Bernard: I don’t remember that.
Fran: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Bernard:...no...
Fran: OK, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?
Bernard: Not especially, no.
Fran: It was in between those two things.

Outtakes

Dylan Moran [looking coyly through the curtains at Jason] TAKE ME NOW!

Party (3.6)


Fran: Look, Bernard, look at my new phone. Look, Bernard, look, look, look, look, look, look, it's got web access, it's got a camera, look, it can do everything.
Bernard: Gaaah! Can it stop boring conversations?
Fran: No, none of them can do that.
Bernard: Mine can. [He picks up his phone] Shut up about your phone.

Bernard: Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance. Which is not noticing it.
Fran: Gianni, my stylist, is amazing. He only charged me 85 quid.
Bernard: Yeah, well my stylist is free. He's called Manicio.
Manny: I do it with a breadknife. Zip zip zip!
Bernard: I'm feeling a bit top-heavy actually.
Manny: Ah... [He goes over to Bernard, picks up a breadknife, and hacks off a clump of hair with it.]

Fran: Why am I here wasting my hair on your eyes?

Manny: My friend, tonight we go out!
Bernard: [contemptuously] Why?

Manny: Because it's Friday! It's Friiiiiday night!
Bernard: Well, it was Friday night last week, it'll be Friday night next week and Friday night every week until we're dead, and even then the whole rotten business will go on and on and on...

Bernard: You know, I am picking up a certain keenness from you about this party. There wouldn't be any other reason to go, would there?
Manny: Absolutely not. [Sheepish] Except there is a...girl.
Bernard: [Outraged] A what?!

Bernard: You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls - people! Who is she anyway, this so-called person?
Manny: Rowena. She's a friend of Anne's.
Bernard: Oh, I see. Roweeena. [He does a bizarre combination gang-sign, bicycle riding imitation and imitates a fart sound] And what am I supposed to do when you're doing the Underpants Charleston with this insane blind tart?

Bernard: Well before you move to the country to raise your bearded freak circus, tell me about her. What's she like? What are her prospects?
Manny: She's nice.
Bernard: Oh, she's 'nice'. She's -- Don't make me get sick into my own scorn. Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?

Bernard: I tell you what, we are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture this 'girl' who 'likes you' and all I can see is you in a dress.

Manny: Let's parrrrr--
Bernard:[Turning and pointing at Manny threateningly.] Don't you dare use the word 'party' as a verb in this shop!
Manny: Let's... potter along... in order to attend the party!

Bernard: What is this I'm drinking? It's disgusting. It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. This is children's booze! What's yours?
Fran: Bludge. It's quite good actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

Fran: I'll have one. I'll have it with ice and on fire.

Manny: I didn't want to leave that party. It was great.
Bernard: No it wasn't. The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were few and the people many. It was everything I expected, and less. I am never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.

Bernard: You got your chance with her. What did you talk about?
Manny: Off-shore wind farms.

Bernard: I don't mean this in a bad way but genetically you are...a cul-de-sac.

Manny: You don't actually have a heart, Bernard, just a shard of ice!
Fran: Flint.
Manny: Sorry?
Fran: Flint. I always saw it as a piece of flint.

Manny: [Drunkenly] You don't know what love is! You don't have it in you to know!
Bernard: I had a girlfriend, actually. She died.
Manny: And anyway... What?
Bernard: That's right, her name was Emma. And you're talking about someone you barely know knocking you back, big deal. I was supposed to be living with her by now, but instead every morning I wake up and look for my cornflakes to see your big, mad, snaggletoothed head. So excuse me if I'm a bit out of sorts sometimes.

[After Bernard has left the room]
Manny: That is the saddest story I've ever heard. Poor Bernard.
Fran: The worst part of it is, she isn't actually dead. She lives the other side of Priory Road.

[While they are playing Monopoly]
Manny: Okay, so, Fran, you be the hat, I'll be the dog, and Bernard, you--she's alive, Bernard, she's alive!

[Fran tries to convince Bernard that his ex-girlfriend is still alive.]
Fran: No really, look, she's in my phone. That's her full name, isn't it?
Bernard: I don't, I still don't believe you.
Fran: [Takes papers out of her handbag] That's a photo of her and me at her last birthday. One of the many she'll have, still being alive. [Bernard shakes his head] Here's her dental records.
Bernard: It can't be her!
Fran: Alright, here's her birth certificate. And I keep it safely tucked inside the envelope with a photo of her reading yesterday's newspaper wearing the I Love Life T-shirt.

[On the phone to supposedly dead girlfriend, Emma]
Bernard: Oh? How am I? Oh, I'm fine. No I'm not actually, I'm dead. That's right, I'm actually physically dead -- it's not funny now, is it?! ...What am I doing? I'm haunting you, that's what I'm doing!!! :[Emma hangs up] What!! You can't hang up on the undead!!

Fran: [while drunk] I'll have it with ice and on fire.

[Bernard, attempting to unlock the door]
Bernard: The ting! the key won't go in the ting!
Fran: Bernard, you're using your finger.
Bernard: Oh yes!

See Also

External links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: