Black Sheep (1996)
Black Sheep is a 1996 film about a gubernatorial candidate that hires a wormy special assistant whose only job is to make sure the candidate's well-meaning but incompetent brother doesn't ruin the election..
- (talking on the phone) Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Edward! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...
- There's no access for you in this quadrant.
- [on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!
- [on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
- And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"
- We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!
- Horse shit!
- Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.
- [holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong (Root quickly gives and Mike falls to the foot of the mountain.) What in the hell was that all about!?
- [on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky and Jan Brady all rolled into one.
- Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?
- (Trying to pronounce "roads") Row-ads. Roods.
- Steve: This is great I never win at checkers.
- Mike: Yes, well, it's kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!
- Steve: check it out. This fridge is only being held by this plug. (Pulls plug out, and the fridge rolls toward Mike, crashing into him and running him into a wall.)
Steve: Are you okay?
- Mike: I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
- Steve: We didn't have any pudding in there buddy.
- Mike: Come on, Roger, let me talk to Al it can only take a minute.
- Roger: "Al, doesn't wanna speak to you.
- Mike: What do you mean Al doesn't wanna speak to me? Why?
[the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk]
- Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha.
- Mike: Shut up!
- Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha.
- Mike: Why don't you shut up?
- Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha.
- Mike: SHUT UP!
- Steve: [completely doped on the nitrous oxide] ... But, this map is heavy... It's got all of those... robes on it. Robes? Rogues?
- Mike: [also stoned; giggling] Roads!
- Steve, Mike: Aahahahaha!
- Mike: [suddenly stops laughing] I'm stoned... so are you!
[looks in the backseat]
- Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
[starts giggling again]
- Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!
- Governor Tracy: I have heard the voice of the voters and the voters said...
[Mike is screaming for help while hoisting by his underwear on a satellite dish]
- Governor Tracy: ...Holy Shit!
- Mike: [cheering on Rock the Vote Crowd] Yea! Kill whitey!
[crowd goes silent]
- Rastafarian: No! No! No!
[a bat flies out at them]
- Steve: What the heck is that?
- Mike: Ah! It's Ozzy Osborne!
[Steve comes back sprayed with a fire extinguisher]
- Mike: Whoa, what happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something?
- Steve: Yeah, I did. And now I'm gonna be famous because I'm the only one in the world who knows where you can find white mud.
- Motorcycle Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
- Mike: Meoff, Jack. [turns to Steve and mouths "Jack Meoff"]
- Governor Tracy: Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to.
- Clyde: My best friends call me "Cash."
- Mike: What the hell was that?
- Steve: A chunk in the road or something.
- Mike: I just chunked in my pants.
- Mike: [dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.
- Teen: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it, asshole!
- Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast, NOW!
- Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
- Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
- State Trooper: Seven. Seven miles an hour. And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the shoulder.
[Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner]
- Steve: Ro-ads. Roods.
- Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
[turns to state trooper]
- Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!
- Drake: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
- Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
- Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly
- David Spade - Steve Dodds
- Tim Matheson - Al Donnelly
- Timothy Carhart - Roger Kovary