From Brian Regan Live: Stupid in School 
- "Brian, what's the i before e rule?"
"I before e... always."
"What are you, an idiot, Brian?"
So she explains it.
"No, Brian. It's i before e except after c and when sounding like a as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"
That's a hard rule. That's a- that's a rough rule.
Plurals were hard, too.
“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”
“You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”
“On weekends and holidays...”
“No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything. Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”
“Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”
“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”
“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”
"No, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Irwin, what's the plural for goose?"
"Geese. I saw a flock of geese."
"Brian, what's the plural for moose?"
"Moosen! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods- in the woodes- in the woodsen. The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen. The meese want the food in the woodingesen! In the, food in the woodenesen!"
"Brian! Brian. You're an imbecile."
"What are you speaking? German, Brian?"
"German. Jermain. Jermaine Jackson. Jackson Five. Tito!"
"Brian, what the hell are you talking about!?"
"I don't know, I don't know really."
From Brian Regan Live: You Too And Stuff
"Take... luck! Take luck and care. Take... care of the luck! Good luck taking care of the, the luck that you might have, if you have luck, take it, and care for it. Take-luck-care-of-in-it -- when you take all care of AAARRGGG!"
They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don't go "Hey, that's Downy Soft. That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don't worry about that! That's Blood Light! We're playing softball, we're all going to float around like angels!"
From Brian Regan Live
We used to love peanut butter… still do. I saw something in the store the other day that I don’t understand, that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean I’m lazy, but... I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I’m not gonna open TWO jars! I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cleaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?!" If you’re that lazy, why not put croutons in there and get the whole sandwich on a spoon. You know, just scoopin’ it out... "Mmm...Oh, scrumptious!! I think I’m gonna have another one. Uh, mmmmm... DELECTABLE!! As was the first!" Or if you don’t wanna clean the spoon, you put it all in a squeeze bottle. "Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!!"
You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.
I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: 'Road Closed'? What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?
People spell their name however they want, it has nothing to do with phonics or nothing. I'm not sure what phonics is, but I saw the girl that was hooked on it. She's got a problem with it apparently. Have you seen that commercial? "Hooked on Phonics worked for me" She's adorable, ya' know. I was thinking, wouldn't that be weird if she was applying what she learned and she couldn't get the commercial straight, ya' know?
"Hoookid on puh-hhonicks wer-kid for meh! HHooookid on puh-hhonicks wer-kid for meh! Meh!".
"You talk to her, man."
"We ain't gonna move a lot tapes this way, I'm tellin ya' right now."
Anyway I met his woman, her name was ah, Amy, you know, so I go "Oh, A-M-Y?" She goes "No, A-Y-M-I-E". "Ughhh... I have to take a nap! I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7, the letter Q, --'Brennemenahgah!!!' Look at my name tag, it's, it's big.
I can't remember names... And I always try to do the nickname thing, to get out of it. Everybody knows what you're trying to pull, you know?
"My name's not buckaroo..."
"Sure, sure it is... partner"
Some people get really upset if you say their name wrong, especially if they have a name that's similar to another name. Carolyn and Caroline. They got a thing about that, man. Don't get that wrong, 'cause they're gonna drill you. "Hi, Caro... lyn."
"It's Caroline. It's Caroline, Brian..."
"It's BRIOOOOHHHN. Yes, my name is BRIOOOOOOGGHHN!!! It's very hard to say my name correctly, 'cuz my name is BRANNAAGHAMMANGAAH!!! Can you say that? Very few can. Correctly."
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian:"I dunno, my mom sent me..."
I never knew what was going on out in right field, I just knew I would get a free snow cone at the end of the game. I'd be out there, awww, free snow cone. "Brian, what's the score?" "Free Snowcone! Free snow cone at the end of the game, if you play they're gonna give you a free snowcone, even if you play half game you get a... you don't get a half snow cone...you get a whole snow cone for half the game... people that play whole game get a whole snow cone and the people that play half game get a whole snow cone. So it's always whole snow cone. So, I'd rather play half game. Still get the whole snow cone..."
"How many outs Brian?" "GRAPE! I'm gonna get grape, or cherry. They're both... favorites, so either one is good, but if they have both, I'll get grape, because grape is a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape it's like alright its fine, cause cherry's favorite anyway. It's like another favorite, but not as much. Not as much favorite. But they're both good. They're both good."
I was a pretty stupid kid... I used to get talked into making crank calls, you know? My older brother and some friends were just standing around me: "Okay, Brian, make some crank calls. Make some crank calls." And I'd get all nervous, and mess 'em up. "Uhhm, do you have frog legs? No, no, do you serve 'em!?! No, do you have 'em? You're stupid!" "Brian, relax, man, you got to relax when ya make da crank calls. Do another one! Concentrate." "Is your refrigerator running? It's not!?!? Ohhohohh...(whispers) It's not..! It's not..! Oh, no, it's not...! Okay, you have a good day, now; you... take luck..." "Brian, do this one, read it, so you don't mess it up!" "Do you have Prince Albert in the can? You do? Well, then you better take him out, because he is Uhh... suff-oh-cot-ting. He wants to know what the-" "Hang up!! You're stupid!! You stupid person!!!"
From Comedy Central Presents: Brian Regan
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape! What do you got mangos? Cran-mango! What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops! Why don't you back off, cranberry man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.
[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!
I had some Pop-Tarts this morning... Yeah, my doctor told me to eat more fruit, so, what better source than a thin layer in a strawberry frosted Pop-Tart... Melt the butter on top. I'm lookin' at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species. They have two full sets of directions, they have toaster directions, which, I'm not makin' this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step, I don't know how... that's possible, that the directions are longer than one - you think it would be step one: "Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast 'em. It's okay. Hey, are you still readin' this?" But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps, I wanna be in the room watching somebody who has to consult these steps: "Okay, number one, remove pastry from pouch." Ohh. Okay, yeah. I see where they're goin' with this. We are bangin' on all cylinders now. "Okay, number two, insert pastry -" Oh okay... "vertically" Ahh ohh. "into toaster." Ahhaha. I gotta get a toaster! That's like two of like 17 toaster steps. And then they have microwave directions, you can microwave a Pop-Tart that just blew me away, that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart? A minute-and-a-half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap fry your Pop-Tarts before you head out the door, you might wanna loosen up your schedule. And I swear, it says, "Microwave on high for 3 seconds" That's all. I don't think I wanna wake up and be eatin' in 3 seconds, you know the alarm goes off. "AAAAA" Now! *shoves Pop-Tart in mouth* Oh, that's right! I gotta get out of here!! If your wakin', eatin', and haulin' in 3 seconds, it's time for a change of lifestyle.
I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."
From I Walked On the Moon
I looked at the serving size: two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve.
We just moved. I called UPS to ask 'em to help out with some boxes. They're a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them, I had no idea. I called 'em up, "Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come pick 'em up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth" "Ok, goodbye!" So I called back, "We the weight and the girth" "Ok, I don't know what the weight is and, ummm, I dont know what girth means. So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well, do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uhhh, yeah. But if I put the boxes on the scale it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS!" What do I take 'em off really quick? "Argggh! ZERO! I'm not fast enough!" What's he talkin about? So then he gives me, like, his Mr. Wizard formula: "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself. Get off the scale. Pick up the box. Get back on. Weigh you and the box together and subtract your own weight" I'm going, "Slow down! Hold on, professor!" I know this guy's never tried this, cause I tried it, and you still can't see the NUMBERS! What am I, Mr Olympia? 3 pounds! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept assuring me that it was easy. "You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and then you double that by the smaller of the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse from the third side-" "Ok, I gotta go. Im getting another call. Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just, uh, wanna not be on with you any longer." So this is true. I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers. Let 'em come out and pick 'em up. If its wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please! So I called back, "Yeah, uhmm, I have 10 boxes and ..... N... No, I'm another guy. Yeah, and they all weigh exactly 22lbs and they all have a girth of .... 3" "3 what?" "3 .... girth units! Come pick 'em up, please! I'm begging you! They're boxes and they're brown and they have tape all on 'em. And they'll probably fit on a dolly! Why must you torture me?"
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldnt tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me-- MEeee-- MEEee- MEEEEE-- MEEEEEEEEEEE! MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Beware the Me Monster.