Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 3

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), created by Joss Whedon, was a television series about Buffy Summers, a teenage girl chosen by fate to battle against vampires, demons, and other supernatural foes. She is often aided by her Watcher and her loyal circle of misfit friends. Season 3 aired on The WB from 1998 to 1999.


[A vampire breaks out of a grave and someone is seen standing over it]
Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it.

Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be. Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.

[In Buffy's dream]
Buffy: How did you find me here?
Angel: If I was blind, I would see you.
Buffy: Stay with me.
Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.

Giles: I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you... should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
Willow: You'd be cranky?
Giles: Entirely.
Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: "Don't get killed."

Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. You know when I didn't graduate?
Willow: Well, I know you had a lot of incompletes, but that's what summer school is for.
Oz: Yeah, you remember when I didn't go?
Willow: I'm trying to get to "cute", really, but I'm still sorta stuck on "strange".
Oz: Well, I'd be willing to bargain down to "eccentric" with an option on "cool".

Larry: If we can focus, keep discipline... and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna rule!

Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
Xander: We're losing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but, rhythmically.

Nurse: What are you doing?
Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.

Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just wanna be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cosy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one.

Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Cordelia: What's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.

Buffy: You know, I just, I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm, I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the... sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W-Oh, I just suck at undercover.

Guard: Who are you?
Buffy: [perks up] I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you are?

Ken: That... was not permitted.
Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun.

Buffy: Hey, Ken! Want to see my impression of Gandhi? [she smashes his head]
Lily: Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, if he was really pissed off.

Dead Man's Party

Joyce: It cheers up the room.
Buffy: It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer.

Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
Joyce: Will you be slaying?
Buffy: Only if they give me lip.

Xander: Check it out. The Watcher's back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a-a Looker or a-a Seer.

Oz: Hey, so you're not wanted for murder anymore.
Buffy: Good. That was such a drag.

Xander: I'm kinda tied up.
Cordelia: You wish!

Principal Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly.
Joyce: Buffy was cleared of all those charges.
Principal Snyder: Yes, and while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrollment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to... I'm sorry. Another tingle moment.

Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.

[Giles brings a zombie cat to the library.]
Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
Giles: We're trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I want to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk.
Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches.

Cordelia: I'm the dip. (everyone stares at her)
Xander: You gotta admire the purity of it.
Cordelia: What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring.

Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.

Xander: Okay, so one vote from the old guy for a smelly cheese night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?

Buffy: I'm trying.
Willow: Wow, and it looks so much like giving up!

Giles: Unbelievable! "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead." Americans!

Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.

Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me!
Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
Cordelia: It's him.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good.

Buffy: Fine, okay, I can take my lumps. For awhile.
Willow: All right, I'll stop giving you a hard time. (pause) Runaway.
Buffy: Will!
Willow: I'm sorry ... quitter.
Buffy: Whiner.
Willow: Bailer.
Buffy: Harpy.
Willow: Delinquent.
Buffy: Tramp.
Willow: Bad seed.
Buffy: Witch.
Willow: Freak.

Faith, Hope & Trick

Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Willow: ...I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like. [Buffy glares at her] Oh, I didn't mean that bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you... [looks at Oz] you're supposed to stop me when I do that.
Oz: I like when you do that.

Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut. [Buffy punches him in the arm. Hard.] Ha ha! Ow!
Buffy: Alright, yes, date. And shop, and hang out, and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!

Mr. Trick: Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people? He called me "sir." Don't you just miss that? I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers; you know, strictly the Caucasian Persuasion here in the 'Dale. But, you know, you just gotta stand up and salute that death rate. I ran the statistical analysis, and "hello darkness." It makes D.C. look like Mayberry, and ain't nobody saying boo about it. We could fit right in here. Have us some fun.
Kakistos: We're here for one reason.
Mr. Trick: Yeah, I know. Kill the Slayer. Still, big picture...
[Drive thru attendant hands Trick his soda]
Attendant: Have a good night, sir.
Mr. Trick: Right back at ya.
Kakistos: The Slayer. I'm going to rip her spine from her body and I'm going to eat her heart and suck the marrow from her bones.
Mr Trick: [smacks his lips] Now I'm hungry.
[Trick lunges out of the limo window in vampire face, pulls the attendant out of the building and partially into the limo, which drives off.]

Buffy: So lemme get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: I think what my daughter's trying to say is... nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah!

Willow: Have you ever noticed, though, when he is mad, but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck-cluck sound with his tongue?
[Giles suddenly rises up from behind the counter and looks at them.]
Buffy: Hi, Giles! [raises her eyebrows at Willow and smiles]
Willow: [turns to face him] Oh, hi! Been there long?

Willow: Mm, sage. I love that smell... And marnox root. You know, a smidge of this mixed with a virgin's saliva ... does something I know nothing about.

Willow: Are you mad at me?
Giles: No, of course not, no. If I were, I would be making a strange clucking sound with my tongue.

Faith: So its 118 degrees and I'm sleeping without a stitch on, when I hear a screaming outside. So I go out stark nude and a church bus and these three Vamps are feeding on half the baptists in South Boston. I took out the three Vamps and these preacher comes up and starts hugging me like there's no tomorrow. Then the cops pull up and arrest us both.
Xander: Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.

Faith: Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes ya hungry and horny? [everyone stares]
Buffy: Well, sometimes I crave a non-fat yogurt afterwards.

Willow: Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Oz: I got bit.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.
Faith: Hey, as long as you don't go scratchin' at me or humpin' my leg we're five-by-five, you know.

Buffy: Oh no, I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit for just speaking it, right?

Willow: And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes.
Xander: And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow.
Willow: Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on Parent-Teacher night. Oh, and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave.
Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Cordelia: What is it with you and slayers? Maybe I should dress up as one and put a stake to your throat.
Xander: Oh, please God, don't let that be sarcasm!

Willow: You really do need to find the fun, B...uffy.

Faith: I'm five-by-five here, B, living entirely large, actually wondering about your problem.
Buffy: Well, I may not sleep in the nude and rassle [sic] alligators...

Faith: What are you getting so strung up for, B?
Buffy: Why are your lips still moving, F?

Buffy: [about Faith] Girl's not playing with a full deck, Giles. She has almost no deck. She has a three.

Giles: [about The Watchers at the retreat] I wonder if they still kayak. I used to love a good kayak. You see, t-they don't even consider - [sees Buffy glaring at him] Sorry. I digress. The, um, vampire that attacked you, can you furnish me with some details that might help me trace their lineage? I mean, ancient or-or-or modern dress. Amulets. Cultish tattoos ... [sips his coffee]
Buffy: Uh, no tats. Crappy dressers. And, uh... Oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about kissing toast. [a spark of recognition appears on Giles' face] He lived for kissing toast.
Giles: You mean 'Kakistos'?
Buffy: [tries to remember] Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos. [she looks up at Giles] What?
Giles: Kakistos. [heads into the library]
Buffy: [Frowns] Is that bad? [follows him]

Buffy: [about Kakistos] Now, this guy shows up two days ago, right? Right around the same time my bestest new little sister makes her scene.
Giles: [looks up and considers] You think he and Faith are connected?
Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in; coincidence and leprechauns.
Giles: Well, Buffy, it's entirely possible that they both arrived here by chance simultaneously.
Buffy: Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right?
Giles: [thinks for a moment] As far as I know, yes.

Scott: Think of this as my last-ditch effort. I realize that one more is gonna qualify as stalking.

Buffy: [Breathing hard] Faith, first rule of slaying: Don't Die.

Buffy: Angel was cured.
Giles: I'm sorry?
Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. [to Willow] Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I, I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, I kissed him, and I killed him.

Beauty and the Beasts

Faith: But you like him. When you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right?
Buffy: Yeah, I guess... how low?
Faith: You tell me!

Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical 'til I was at least forty.
Faith: It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from... Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.

Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... Scary.
Willow: He's just being Oz.
Oz: Pretty much full-time.

[In guidance counsellor's office.]
Buffy: Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity.

Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person -- grownup, shrink, pope -- any person who claims to be *totally* sane is either lying or not very bright. I mean, everyone has problems. Everybody has demons, right?
Buffy: Gotta say I'm with you on that.

Xander: Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I?

[After Willow suddenly faints]
Xander: Okay, uh, little too much excitement for the Wilster here.

Buffy: Couldn't sleep, huh?
Willow: I've been at Mister Donut since the TV did that snowy thing. How come you're the Wakey Girl? I mean, this time, it's not your boyfriend who's the cold-blooded... [sees Oz] Jelly doughnut?

Scott: Well, my mom says that therapy can be completely helpful.
Pete: Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott.
Scott: [to Buffy] I hope you realise I don't actually know these people, I just... I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them.

Giles: Our task now is to determine what sort of killer we are dealing with. Quite clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.
[Oz comes in.]
Oz: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.

Buffy: It's tricky covering a fresh shiner like that. You know what works?
Debbie: What?
Buffy: Don't get hit.

[Buffy enters the library to an uncomfortable silence]
Buffy: I'm afraid to ask.
Cordelia: Oz ate somebody last night.
Willow: [defensively] He did not!


Buffy: [To Scott] I'm getting better, honest. In fact, from here on, you are gonna see a drastic distraction reduction.

Mayor Wilkins: Would you show me your hands, please?
Mayor Wilkins: I think they could be cleaner.
Allan: I'll take care of it.
Mayor Wilkins: You have all my faith.

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Ms. Moran: Were you absent a lot, um...
Buffy: Buffy?

Cordelia: Just because you were Guacamole Queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this works.
Buffy: Obviously it involves handing out entirely lame fliers.
Cordelia: No, it involves being part of this school and having actual friends. Now, if it was about monsters, blood and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in. Like to see you try to win the crown.
Buffy: You would? Then you will.
Buffy: Sorry Cordy, but you have no idea who you're messing with.
Cordelia: What, the Slayer?
Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer, I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the prom queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.

Mr. Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire or ... whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.
Kulak: I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
Mr. Trick: Isn't that nice.
Mr. Trick: Mr. Gorch, my account statement says that your deposit has not yet been made.
Lyle Gorch: Well, me and Candy... we blowin' our whole honeymoon stash on this little game here. [empties a bag of cash onto the table]
Mr. Trick: [unimpressed]] They're dirty.
Lyle: They're nonconsecutive.
Mr. Trick: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed lookin' creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!

Xander: We gotta get out of these clothes!
Willow: Right now!
Xander: Oh, I didn't mean...
Willow: I didn't... me, either!

Buffy: Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich.

Buffy: Hey.
Willow: Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good?
Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
Willow: No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
Willow: (imploringly) What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
Willow: (squeaky voice) 'kay.

Buffy: How can you think it's okay to talk to people like this? Do you have parents?
Cordelia: Yeah, two of them, unlike some people.
Buffy: Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?
Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll all regret later, okay?
Cordelia: Crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: Like that.

Cordelia: I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought ... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.

Cordelia: I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with that hat?
Lyle: Oh, I'm gonna...
Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Lyle: Wife!
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. I'm the Queen. You get me mad ... what do you think I'm gonna do to you?

Mayor Wilkins: The children are our future. We need them. I need them.

Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.

Band Candy

Mayor Wilkins: You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick.
[The mayor opens the cabinet, revealing shelves full of occult paraphernalia.]
Mayor Wilkins: I keep my campaign promises.

Angel: It's late. How'd you get away?
Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Angel: Oh.
Buffy: I'm joking. No garbage. Smell me.

Ms. Barton: Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!
Xander: Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?
Cordelia: Get in line.

Buffy: Something's definitely changing them.
Willow: A spell?
Oz: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Principal Snyder: [to Oz] You've got great hair.

Snyder: Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I'll stay here in case the babies, you know, uh... find their way back.

Buffy: Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SAT's tomorrow.
Joyce: Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note.

Willow: KISS rocks? Why would anyone want to kiss . . . oh wait, I get it.


Cordelia: Why are you guys so hyper?
Willow: Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?
Xander: Let's see. Killing zombies, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster.

Gwendolyn Post: Lagos will be headed for the cemetery.
Giles: There is more than one in Sunnydale.
Gwendolyn: I see. How many?
Giles: Uh, twelve, within the city limits.

Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

Buffy: [About Angel] You'd just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?
Xander: I don't need an excuse! I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a 'reason'!

Giles: Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me ... for hours ... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

Gwendolyn: Faith, do you know who the Spartans were?
Faith: Wild stab, a bunch of guys from Spart?

Willow: Ugh. It's late, I'm tired. What does he want from us, anyway?
Xander: The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt?

Faith: Guy like that, with that kinda glove, could kill a whole mess of people.
Xander: Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. [aims to take his next shot]
Faith: Buffy knew he was alive. [Xander shoots; Faith glares] I can't believe her.
Xander: She says he's clean.
Faith: Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. [Xander looks at her] I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay.
Xander: [beat] Can I come?

Faith: I can't believe how much I'm gonna kill you.

Gwendolyn: Faith, a word of advice: you're an idiot.

Lovers Walk

Willow: I'm pathetic, illiterate. I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
Xander: That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined score in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

Joyce: That's not it. It's just... You belong at-at a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a Chaos demon! Have you ever seen a Chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting... She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said... she said we could still be friends. [leans over and sobs on Willow's shoulder.] God, I'm so unhappy!
Willow: [tentatively pats his knee.] There, there.
Spike:[To Willow]Don't worry.You know what they say:"If at first You don't succeed,I'll kill him and You can try again".

Buffy: You took Willow.
Spike: You do me now, you'll never find the little witch.
Joyce: [confused.] Willow's a witch?
Buffy: And Xander?
Spike: Him, too.
Joyce: What, Xander's a witch?

Spike: Look, I just need a few supplies, and then I'll take you to... [stops and grabs his head.] Oh, God.
Buffy: What's wrong? Not that I care.
Spike: Oh... My head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. [doubles over.] Oh, God. I wish I was dead.
Buffy: [pulls out a stake.] Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard...
Spike: [straightens up.] Hey! Back off!
Angel: Buffy, we still need him to find the others.
Buffy: Need him? He's probably just got them locked up in the factory.
Spike: Well... hey, how thick do you think I am?
Spike: Oh, God.
Angel: Now what?
Spike: We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times. [chuckles.] You know, he begged for mercy, and you know, that only made her bite harder.
[Buffy and Angel are unimpressed.]
Buffy: I guess you had to be there.

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back to making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah, you're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Lenny: I heard you'd gone soft. Sad to see it, man.
Spike: Soft?
Lenny: Yeah, like baby food.
Spike: [smiling; sotto voce] Well, then, let's give baby a taste.
[Spike repeatedly smashing Lenny's head onto the table.]
Spike: Baby like his supper? Baby like his supper?
[He flips him over onto the table on his back.]
Spike: Why doesn't baby have a nap? [stakes him.]

Spike: [sees Buffy tenderly helping Angel] Oh yeah, just friends. Noooo worries there...
Buffy: Could we just do the damn spell now?
Spike: Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. [smiling.] I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her, until she likes me again.
Spike: [smiles thoughtfully.] Love's a funny thing.

The Wish

Willow: [looking at a demon corpse] Isn't he gonna go poof?

Buffy: No luck reaching Cordelia?
Xander: I've left a few messages. Sixty, seventy... but you know what really bugs me? [to Willow] OK, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'!
Xander: And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
Xander: So tell us, wise one: How do you heal?
Buffy: I have you guys.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!
Anyanka: Done!

Cordelia: She was like a good fairy. A scary, veiny good fairy.

Cordelia: No, no, no way! I wish us into Bizarro-land and you guys are still together? I cannot win!
Vamp Xander: Probably not, [changes to vampire face] but I'll give you a head start.

The Master: I've lost my appetite for this one. She keeps looking at me.

Vamp Willow: Hmm, Buffy. Oooh. Scary.
Vamp Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Vamp Willow: Bored now.

Vamp Willow: That's right, Puppy. Willow's gonna make you bark.

Giles: Oh, Anyanka, I beseech thee... In the name of all women scorned, come before me.
Anyanka: Do you have any idea what I do to a man who uses that spell to summon me?

Giles: Cordelia Chase. What did she wish for?
Anyanka: I had no idea her wish would be so exciting! 'Brave new world.' I hope she likes it.
Giles: You're gonna change it back. I'm not afraid of you. Your only power lies in the wishing.
Anyanka: Wrong! This is the real world now. This is the world we made. Isn't it wonderful?
[Giles snatches her glowing necklace and breaks free of her grasp, then grabbing a heavy object from his desk, raises his arm to smash the amulet.]
Anyanka: You trusting fool. How do you know the other world is any better than this?
Giles: Because it has to be.

Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!
Anya: Done! [nothing happens, Anya is confused]
Cordelia: That would be cool!
Anya: Done! [again nothing happens]
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappear off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...


[Dublin, 1838. Angelus has pulled in a man running from him.]

Angelus: Daniel,where are you going?
Daniel: You're not human.
Angelus: Not of late, no.
Daniel: What do you want?
Angelus: As it happens, I'm hungry and seeing as you're in my debt . . .
Daniel: Please, I can't!
Angelus: A man playing his cards should have a natural intelligence or a great deal of money, and you're sadly lacking in both. So I'll take me winnings me own way.
Daniel: [Reciting prayer]The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want...
Angelus: Daniel, be of good cheer. It's Christmas! [Bites him]

Xander: So, you doing anything special?
Buffy: Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and Mom, and hopefully an excess of gifts. (to Willow) What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish! Remember, people? Not everyone worships Santa.

Angel: I'm sorry. I know I have no right to ask you for anything.
Giles: [chuckles mirthlessly] Sorry. Coming from you that phrase strikes me as rather funny
Angel: I need your help.
Giles: And the funny just keeps coming.

[Angel is asking Giles for his help]
Angel: I can't come in unless you invite me.
Giles: [approaching Angel with a staked crossbow] I'm aware of that.

Angel: I feel like I should be in a Hell Dimension, suffering eternal torment.
Giles: I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that.

Buffy: Are you sure this is how you wanna spend your Christmas vacation?
Xander: Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?
[Willow walks in]
Willow: Hey, guys. What are we doing?

Willow: Hi. Why don't you come s-sit down?
Oz: You ever have that dream where you're in a play, and it's the middle of the play and you really don't know your lines, and you kinda don't know the plot?
Willow: Well, we're alone, and we're together. I-I just wanted it to be special.
Oz: How special are we talking?
Willow: Well, you know, we're alone, and we're both mature younger people, and-and so, w-we could... I-I'm ready to... w-with you. [whispers] We could do that thing. [Oz stands] Where are you going?
Oz: No, I'm not going. Just a dramatic gesture. That's-that's pretty special.

[Buffy notes the fire her mother has started.]
Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep out the sweltering heat.

[Buffy is standing by the Christmas tree, helping her mother to decorate it.]
Joyce: So, Angel's on top again?
Buffy: What?
Joyce: (holding up Christmas decorations) Angel? Or star?
Buffy: Oh. Er, star.

The First: I’m not a demon, little girl, I am something you cannot even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin. Beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You’ll never see me but I am everywhere. Every being. Every thought. Every drop of hate.
Buffy: All right, I get it. You're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?

Angel: I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care. I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.

Buffy: I love you so much, and I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard ... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. [whispers] I can't.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because ... [Snow falls, blocking the sunlight.]


Amy: Oh my God!
Oz: Kids?
Xander: Why was your mom there?
Buffy: More bad, she picked last night, of all nights, for a surprise bonding visit.
Willow: God, your mom would actually take the time to do that with you? [Buffy looks at her] That really wasn't the point of the story, was it?

Buffy: What is this?
Willow: A doodle. I do doodle. You, too -- you do doodle, too.

Giles: They're confiscating my books.
Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.

Mrs. Rosenberg: You're upset, I hear you ...
Willow: No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness!
Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out, I'm a witch! I can make pencils float! And I can summon the four elements! Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Oh, Willow.
Willow: I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings! Do you see any goats around? No! 'Cause I sacrificed them!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, please...
Willow: All bow before Satan!
Mrs. Rosenberg: I'm not listening to this.
Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!

[Angel finds Buffy during patrol.]
Buffy: Hey. How are you?
Angel: I'm all right. I think I'm better than you right now. [indicates playground shrine] I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me.
Buffy: It's strange. People die in Sunnydale all the time. I've never seen anything like this.
Angel: They were children. Innocent. It makes a difference.
Buffy: And Mr. Sanderson from the bank had it coming? My mom said some things to me about being the Slayer. That it's fruitless. No fruit for Buffy.
Angel: She's wrong.
Buffy: Is she? Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad just keeps coming back... and getting stronger. Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: Dike. [Buffy looks at him.] It's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Angel: Buffy, you know there's still things I'm trying to figure out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never...
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: Never will. That's not why we fight. We do it because there's things worth fighting for.

Giles: Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real?
Buffy: Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Giles: And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
Xander: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing.
Oz: So what do we do?
Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans ... [silence] No one else is seeing the funny here.

Cordelia: I came by to tell Buffy to stop all of this craziness and found you all unconscious ... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Giles: Wake up in a c... ? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.

Cordelia: Okay, I think I liked the two little ones more than the one big one.


[After a vampire rolls down a slide in a playground...]
Buffy: Wow! That was really funny looking! Could you do it again?
Vampire: I'll kill you for that.
Buffy: For that? What were you going to kill me for before?

Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca.

Xander: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander: You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.
Oz: Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --
Buffy: Guys, reality!

[Angel gives Buffy a book for her birthday.]
Buffy: It's sweet and thoughtful, and full of neat words to learn and say like "wilt" and "henceforth."
Angel: Then why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
Buffy: I'm sorry ... it's just, suddenly there's a chance that my calling's a wrong number ... it's just freaking me out a little.

Buffy: Before I was the Slayer I was ... Well, I- I don't wanna say shallow, but let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her "Spordelia," looked like a classical philosopher next to me. Angel, if I'm not the slayer, what do I do? What do I have to offer? Why would you like me?
Angel: I saw you before you became the slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you, I saw you called, it was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps and ... I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: Because I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see, and I was worried that it would get bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe. To warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful ... Or, taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that too.

Kralik: [to Buffy's mother] Mother. May I call you "mother"? My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own, so she tried to take mine. Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. But she's dead to me now. Mostly because I killed and ate her, but also because I know I won't be alone much longer. I'll have your daughter. I won't kill her -- I'll just make her like me. Different. She'll go to sleep, and when she wakes up, your face will be the first thing she eats. [considers] I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that.

The Zeppo

Buffy: Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.
Faith: Or killed.
Buffy: Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.
Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Faith: Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Buffy: What should we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows! [the others look at her oddly] Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.

Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do!
Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia turns and walks away.]
Cordelia: [to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Giles: Buffy, this is no laughing matter.
Buffy: Hence my no laughing.

Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once ... I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Xander: Y'know, it's not like I haven't helped before. Y'know, I've done some violence for those people. Do they even think about that? I mean... they act like I'm, like I'm some sorta klutz.
[He drives into the car parked in front of him.]

Buffy: "Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors ..." Eww. "... celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes." They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?

Giles: There's something different about this menace. Something in the air. The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.

Faith: She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!
Xander: Really? Pop?!
Faith: You up for it?
Xander: Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.
Faith: Just relax. And take your pants off.
Xander: Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.
Faith: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

[Xander finds bomb-making supplies in back seat of the car, where his zombie friends had been]
Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake!
[Xander returns to their last location.]
Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. Oh, man, I'm outta my league! Buffy'll know what to do.

[Wielding an axe, Xander confronts zombie Parker.]
Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later --
[Parker abruptly runs away.]
Xander: I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk.

[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
Xander: [to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
[Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
Jack: And it just got harder.
Xander: I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
[Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
Xander: I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
Jack: Then you'll die, too.
Xander: Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
Jack: Are you?
Xander: [tired smile] I like the quiet.

Bad Girls

Xander: [examining Willow's early acceptance packets] Harvard ... Yale ... Wesleyan ... some German polytechnical institute whose name I, uh ... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon.
Oz: They're typing those now.

Willow: Chemistry is easy. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.

Wesley: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.
Giles: Well, no danger of finding those here.
Wesley: [confused] Vampires?
Giles: Controlled circumstances.

Buffy: New Watcher?
Giles: New Watcher.
Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, it's very nice to meet you.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Wesley: Evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh yes, Gwendolyn Post, we all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials ... rather thoroughly, phoned the Council. But I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Buffy: Is he evil?
Giles: Not in the strictest sense.

Giles: You seem to know a lot about them.
Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.

Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please". And afterwards I get a cookie!

Faith: New watcher?
Buffy & Giles: New watcher.
Faith: Screw that! [walks out]
Buffy: Now why didn't I just say that?

Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?

Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation, preparation, preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.

(Mayor Wilkin's daily planner)
[Mayor Wilkins checks off "Become Invincible"]

Buffy: Getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the problem go away.
Faith: It does for me.
Buffy: Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man.
Faith: No, you don't get it. [smiles] I don't care!


[Cordelia Chase makes an entrance, flirts with Wesley, then leaves.]
Wesley: My. She's cheeky, isn't she?
Faith: Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.

Faith: I missed the mark last night and I'm sorry about the guy, I really am! But it happens! Anyways, how many people do you think we've saved by now? Thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.
Buffy: We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want.
Faith: Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings.
Buffy: Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?
Faith: What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill.
Buffy: To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!
Faith: We are better!

Buffy: It's not all her fault, Giles. We both thought it was a vampire. I-I only realized it a second before.
Giles: Buffy, this is not the first time something like this has happened.
Buffy: It's not?
Giles: The Slayer is on the front line of a nightly war. Now, it's-it's tragic, but accidents have happened.

[The gang are discussing who should approach Faith.]
Xander: She was fighting those apocalypse demon things and I helped out... gave her a ride home.
Buffy: And you guys talked?
Xander: Not extensively, no.
Buffy: Then why would you... oh!
Giles: Oh!
Willow: I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together.

Angel: You can't imagine the price for true evil.
Faith: Yeah? I hope evil takes Mastercard.

Faith: We don't need the law, we are the law.
Buffy: No. [walks away]
Faith: [following her] yes. You know exactly what I'm about because you have it in you too.
Buffy: No Faith, you're sick.

[Faith refuses to take responsibility for killing a man]
Angel: It's like talking to a wall. Only you get more from a wall.

Faith: You sent your boy to kill me.
Mayor Wilkins: That's right, I did.
Faith: He's dust.
Mayor Wilkins: I thought he might be, what with you standing here and all.
Faith: I guess that means you have a job opening.


Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe -- And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High -- Mortal. A child. And I'm flunking math.

Anya: I'm getting my power center back. And if you won't help me, then, by the pestilent gods, I will find someone who will!

Buffy: He even has that test to see if you're crazy, that asks if you ever hear voices or if you ever wanted to be a florist.
Willow: Ooh, I used to want- Wait, florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.

Willow: How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sorta naturally buff, Buff? [giggles at her alliteration] Ha, buff Buff.

Buffy: I-I just... well, I-I wanna do...
Willow: [smiles knowingly] Better than Faith?
Buffy: [slightly embarrassed] So very shallow.
Willow: Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych test. Just don't mark the box that says, "I sometimes like to kill people."
[Willow, upset with having to discuss Faith, loses control of the levitating pencil. It flies off into a nearby tree.]
Buffy: Emotional control?
Willow: [abashed] I'm working on it.

Snyder: You've got the brains, he's got the fast break. It's a perfect match.
Willow: Match? You want us to breed?
Snyder: I want you to tutor him. Percy is flunking history. Nothing seems to be able to motivate him.
Percy: [smugly] Hey, I'm challenged.
Snyder: You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite the challenge.

Willow: [complaining about Principal Snyder] I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his.
Giles: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the mayor's files.
Willow: [cheerfully] OK.

Mayor Wilkins: No Slayer of mine is gonna live in a fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liasons going on there.
Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing. This place is the kick!

Willow: [picks up a banana] I'm eating this now. It's not lunchtime, I don't even care.
Buffy: Hey.
Xander: Willow! Did you remember to tape Biography last Friday?
Willow: Uh-huh.
Buffy: See! I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks!
Buffy: What?
Willow: "Old Reliable"? [annoyed] Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname!
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "Old Reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser! You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot?
Willow: [angry] That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
Willow: Well, maybe I don't wanna be reliable all the time. Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework gal.
Xander: I'm thinking nerve strike.
Willow: [huffs] Maybe I'll change my look! Or cut class. You don't know... And I'm eating this banana, lunchtime be damned!

Anya: I heard you were the person to ask if...
Willow: [sighs] Yeah, that's me. Reliable-Dog-Geyser Person.

Willow: OK, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.
Anya: Oh, don't be such a wimp.
Willow: That, that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I-I don't think you're telling me everything.
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: [sarcastically] Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell?

Anya: Idiot child.

Vampire Willow: This is weird.

Percy: Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. Till we graduate, I own your ass.
Vamp Willow: Bored now.

[Vamp Willow strikes Percy with an open palm, sending him sprawling onto a pool table.]

Vamp Willow: Xander!
Xander: Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you!
Vamp Willow: [smiling] You're alive.
Xander: Uh, Will, this is verging on naughty touching here, don't wanna fall back on bad habits - Hands! Hands in new places!
Vamp Willow: [revolted] You're alive.
Buffy: [approaches Xander and Vamp Willow] So, Xander, are you gonna introduce me to- [Vamp Willow turns to Buffy] Holy God, you're Willow.
Vamp Willow: [instantly hostile] You.
Buffy: [nervous, trying to be polite] You know what? I-I like the look. It's, um, it's extreme, but it, it, it looks good, you know, it's a... leather thing, and, uh... I said "extreme" already, right?

Alfonse: There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human.
Vamp Willow: Really? Who do you work for?
Alfonse: I'm not telling you a thing.

[Vamp Willow breaks one of Alfonse's fingers, causing him to scream in pain.]

Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?
Alfonse: Wilkins. The mayor.

[Vamp Willow breaks another of Alfonse's fingers; another yelp of pain.]

Vamp Willow: Who do you work for? [bats her eyes suggestively]
Alfonse: [gets it] You.

Willow: Jeez, who died? (pause) Oh, God! Who died?

[Buffy and Xander both give Willow a long hug, thoroughly confusing her.]
Willow: I love you guys, too? ... OK, oxygen becoming an issue.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?

Buffy: Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh, something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: I.D. [Anya stares at him incredulously.] I.D.
Anya: [loses her temper] I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: I.D.
Anya: [sighs, defeated] Gimme a Coke.

Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.

Oz: Ten to one. Could get pointless.

Oz: [to Angel, upon seeing Vamp Willow] Get Buffy. Do it now.

Vamp Willow: You don't have to be afraid... just to please me.

Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.

[Angel rushes into the library, out of breath and upset.]
Angel: Buffy, I... Something happened that... Willow's dead.
[Giles, Xander and Buffy seem unmoved. Willow steps forward.]
Angel: Hey Willow. [confused] Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.

Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. E-except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: [sardonic smile] Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh yeah.

Vamp Willow: [seeing her non-vampire self] Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
Vamp Willow: I kinda like the idea of the two of us. We could be quite a team... if you came around to my way of thinking.
Willow: Would that mean we have to snuggle?
Vamp Willow: What do you say? [licks Willow's neck lasciviously] Wanna be bad?

Vamp Willow: [turning the corner to confront Willow] You don't want to play, I guess I can't force you... Oh wait, I can.
Willow: [shoots Vamp Willow with a tranquilizer gun]
Vamp Willow: [groggily] ...Bitch... [falls to the ground]

Willow: [looking at the unconscious Vamp Willow] It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. [whispers to Buffy] And I think I'm kind of gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually... [Buffy glares at him]... it's a good point.

Buffy: Uh, I have a really bad idea.

Willow: [in Vamp Willow's leather outfit] It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe... [stares down at her cleavage] Gosh, look at those.

Willow: [impersonating Vamp Willow] She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her... and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live.

Vamp Willow: [wakes up in Willow's fuzzy sweater] Oh, this is like a nightmare.

Vamp Willow: Yeah. Lemme out... 'cause I'm so helpless.
Vamp Willow: Uh, I was looking at books. I like... books... 'cause I'm shy.

Vamp Willow: Don't wanna talk. Hungry.

Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?
Vamp Willow: Not yet.
Cordelia: I should just leave you in there, but I'm a great humanitarian, and you will just have to think of a way to pay me back sometime.
[Cordelia unlocks the library cage to let Vamp Willow out]
Vamp Willow: OK. [changes to vampire face] How about dinner?

Cordelia: Willow... They got Willow... [suddenly turns to Wesley] So, are you doing anything tonight?

Anya: [confronting Willow] I'm just so tired of being around human beings and all their baggage. I don't care if I ever get my powers back. [indicates Alfonse] I think he should eat you.
Willow: [pointing at Anya] This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend! [desperate] Look at my outfit!
Alfonse: A human. I should have smelled it right away.
Willow: A human? Oh yeah? Could a human do this? [screams at the top of her lungs]
Anya: [unimpressed] Sure. Yeah. Humans do that. Yeah.
Alfonse: Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah.

[Vamp Willow, enraged, confronts her human double.]

Willow: [meekly] No more snuggles? [Vamp Willow backhands her across the face, then starts to choke her.]

Vamp Willow: This world's no fun.
Willow: [suddenly sympathetic] You noticed that, too?

Xander: So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? [vampire Willow gives him a look] Oh yeah... I'm bad!

Giles: Now don't you try any tricks now.
Anya: [sulking] I don't need tricks. When I get my powers back, you will all grovel before me.

[Both Willows snort with laughter]

Willow: Good luck. Try not to kill people. [hugs Vamp Willow and gets groped] Hands! Hands!

Vamp Willow: [seconds after returning to her world, she gets staked - again] Aw, fu- [dusts]


Wesley: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual.
Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.

Buffy: I know this. It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.

Willow: Buffy, I too know the love of a taciturn man, you have to look at their actions.
Buffy: I was.

Willow: Wow! Like father like son.
Oz: How 'bout exact same guy like exact same guy.
Wesley: Mayor Wilkins is over 100 years old. He's not human.

Xander: You know how some people hate to say I told you so? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back in the really bad sense, and um, I told you so.
Wesley: Angelus has turned? Xander, this is terribly serious. Are you sure?
Xander: Gee, let me think. Kind of hard to tell. Last thing I remember was his fist.
Wesley: We must contact Giles immediately.
Xander: Good thinking. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, and see how dead she gets.
Cordelia: Slow down, Xander. This isn't Wesley's fault.
Xander: Actually, it is. Faith was your responsibility. Guess who's Angel's new playmate?
Willow: Faith and Angel? Together?
Xander: Imagine the possibilities.

Faith: What can I say, B, I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.


Giles: You touched one of the demons?
Buffy [inspecting her left hand under a magnifying lamp]: A good touch, not a bad touch. Anyway, it's been itching like crazy. [switches off the lamp] No big. Just another problem for the good people at Lubriderm, right?
[Giles shows Buffy a drawing from the book he's reading. It shows a mouthless demon, the kind Buffy killed the previous night.]
Giles: That's the demon in question?
Buffy: In the disgusting flesh.
Giles: Hmm.
Buffy: What?
Giles: It says they can infect the host.
Buffy: Infect?
[Giles continues reading]
Buffy [concerned]: Infect?!
[Giles is still reading]
Buffy: Giles!
[Giles finally turns to Buffy]
Buffy [starting to panic]: Infect!?
Giles: Oh, uh, infect the host with an aspect of the demon. That's all it says.
Buffy: A part of the demon... I hope it's not the outside part.

Angel: Hey, I'll love you - even if you're covered with slime.
Buffy: I liked everything until that part.

Angel: And Buffy, be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say... immortality?
Angel: Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: [deadpan] I'm a funny guy.

Oz: [voice over] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Hmm.
Xander: [voice over] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! Four times five is 30. Five times six is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually... bye. [bolts from the library]

Xander: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everybody down for no reason.
Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.
Oz: It's bordering on trendy at this point.

Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy! We were teenagers!
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: [goes to leave, glances back] I'll be downstairs. [exits] You feel better!
Buffy: Twice!?

Cordelia: Hi Mr. Beech! I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it's for the yearbook!

[Buffy finds Jonathan in the clock tower with a rifle.]
Jonathan: Go away!
Buffy: Never gonna happen.
Jonathan: You think I won't use this?
Buffy: I don't know, Jonathan. I just –
Jonathan: Stop doing that!
Buffy: Doing what?
Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot!
Buffy: I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody's really paying attention?
Jonathan: You think I just want attention?
Buffy: No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain.
Jonathan [bitterly]: Oh, right! Because the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler!
Buffy: You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening... You know, I could've taken that by now.
Jonathan: I know.
Buffy: [holds out hand] I'd rather do it this way. [takes the rifle from Jonathan]

Willow: So you're feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked... and then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me... and then we talked some more.
Willow: See? That's how it should work!

[Buffy and Giles are walking toward the high school.]
Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to prom.
Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you...
Buffy: Oh, come on! What am I, Saint Buffy? He's, like, three feet tall!
Giles: I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!
[Giles walks right into a tree.]


[Buffy and Angel are hunting vampires in a cemetery at night.]
Buffy: So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're... the same age you are now?
[A vampire growls behind them.]
Angel: Let's just get you to fifty.
Buffy: Liking that plan.

Willow: Sounds like your mom is in a state of denial.
Buffy: More like a continent.

Buffy: Well, I don't think I can talk any slower, Wes. I want to leave.
Wesley: What? Now?
Buffy: No, not now. After I graduate, you know, college?
Wesley: But you're a Slayer.
Buffy: Yeah. I'm also a person. You can't just define me by my slayer-ness. That's... something-ism.

Mayor Wilkins: Uh, what happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him.
Faith: Made him an offer he couldn't survive.

Buffy: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

Oz: OK, toad me.

Faith: Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you! You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big, selfish, worthless waste.
[Faith knocks Willow to the ground.]
Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
Willow: [stands up] Aw, and here I just thought you didn't have a comeback.

Principal Snyder: [to Buffy, et al.] You - all of you - why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?

Buffy: I can't let you stay because of me.
Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith, things just kinda got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
Buffy: I kind of love you.
Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad-ass Wicca, and what better place to learn?
Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
Willow: Mochas?
Buffy: Yes please! [the two get up and walk away] It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.
Willow: Neat, huh?
Buffy: Sometimes it is.

The Prom

Anya: The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
Xander: Well, hey! Good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why you talking to me?
Anya: [averting her eyes] I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh! I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil... Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Anya: When I lost my powers I got stuck with this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
Anya: Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?
[Xander's eyes lower for a second, then flick back up to Anya's face.]

Buffy: Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice.

Xander: I myself will be dipping into my hard-earned road fund to procure a shiny new tux, so look for me to dazzle!
Giles: And I will be wearing pink taffeta as chenille will not go with my complexion. Can we please talk about the Ascension?

Willow: I'm sorry. It must be horrible.
Buffy: I think horrible is still coming, right now it's worse, right now I'm just trying to keep from dying. [sobbing] I can't breathe, Wil. I feel like I can't breathe.

Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?

[Buffy and Angel bump into each other at the butchers.]
Angel: What are you doing here?
Buffy: Hello to you, too.
Angel: Sorry, I'm just ... surprised.
Buffy: Me too, I don't know why though. Where did I think you get your blood? McPlasma's?

Jonathan: This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, the prom committee asked me to read this... We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.
Crowd outbursts: Zombies! . . . Hyena people! . . . Snyder! [laughter]
Jonathan: But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history... [applause from the crowd]... And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. [produces a glittering, miniature umbrella with a small plaque attached to the shaft] It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector."
[The crowd breaks into sustained applause and cheering.]

Giles: I had no idea that children en masse could be gracious.
Buffy: Every now and then, people surprise you.
Giles: [looking past her to Angel] Every now and then.

[Buffy and Angel are in the sewers looking for a vampire]
Buffy: I always say patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinky sewers.
Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here.
Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We could say he was this big. [Holds hands apart to indicate size]
Angel: What can I say? I need closure.
Buffy: You need clothes. You don't have a tux, do you?
Angel: Since when did patrolling go black tie?
Buffy: For the Prom, silly.
Angel: We have more important things to think about right now than a dance, Buffy.
Buffy: Sorry, Giles. I'll just be quiet.
Angel: Sorry.
BUffy: Why is it that every time I mention the prom you always get grouchy?
Angel: We need to talk. But not here, not now.
Buffy: NO, if you have something to tell me, tell me now.

Buffy: I can't believe you're breaking up with me.

Graduation Day, Part One

[After Willow and Harmony have signed each other's yearbooks.]
Willow: I'm going to miss her.
Buffy: Don't you hate her?
Willow: Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. Vacuous tramp... It's like a sickness, Buffy. I'm missing everything. I miss P.E.!

Xander: You guys didn't hear? Guess who our Commencement speaker is.
Willow: Siegfried?
Xander: No.
Willow: Roy?
Xander: No.
Willow: One of the tigers?
Xander: Come out of the fantasy, Will.

Anya: So I was wondering... maybe if you're free this weekend... we could do some... entertaining thing.
Xander: Would that be along the lines of you telling me all about the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause pencil me in!
Anya: Well, we could do something else you like. We could, um, watch sports of some kind.
Xander: Uh, I don't know.
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all that you've learned?

Xander: The mayor is going to kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh! Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I was thinking I might skip it.

Willow: If we want to make ferns invisible, or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here.
Oz: Our lives are different than other people's.

Willow: I think we could be dead in two days and you're being ironic, detachment guy.
Oz: Would it help you if I panic?
Willow: Yes! It'd be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis. And everything's really scary now, you know? And I don't know what's going to happen. A-a-and there's all sorts of things that you're supposed to get to do after high school, and I was really looking forward to doing them, and now we're probably just going to die, and I'd like to feel that maybe you would --
[Oz kisses her.]
Willow: What are you doing?
Oz: Panicking.
[Oz kisses Willow again, they fall onto Willow's bed.]

Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
Xander: Well, I'm sorry I give you barfy feelings.
Anya: Come with me.
Xander: I can't.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I got friends on the line.
Anya: So?
Xander: That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?

Xander: [looking at a three-page foldout of the demon] We're going to need a bigger boat.

Graduation Day, Part Two

Xander: Here is your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Giles: Thank you. [sips] Horrible.
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but you are destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.

Cordelia: I demand an explanation.
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh, inbreeding?

Cordelia: It's just such a Buffy thing to do... She is always thinking of herself.

Angel: You've been watching over me? [kisses Willow's hand]
Willow: Well, we've been taking turns.

Willow: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
Oz: You too, huh?

Faith: "Miles to go". Little Miss Muffet, counting down from 7-3-0.
Buffy: Great. Riddles.
Faith: Sorry, it's my head.

Faith: Human weakness... never goes away.

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Cordelia: My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
Xander: I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it coming.

Wesley: I'm not here for the council. Just tell me how I can help.
Cordelia: That is so classy! Isn't he just so classy?
Buffy: It's a start.
Wesley: So there is something I can do? Besides scream like a woman.

Xander: I'm still key-guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Then Angel, in his non-key-guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey! Key-guy is still talking.
Buffy: Oh, that's good! Start bickering. That's going to look great for us. You guys are like little old ladies!

Xander: Harmony, listen, I need to talk to you for a sec.
Harmony: You mean in front of other people?

Wesley: No... No cause to hope that... I might be needed?
Cordelia: Needed?
Wesley: Or... wanted?
Cordelia: Wanted...

Snyder: Congratulations to the class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet... Spit out that gum. Please welcome our distinguished guest speaker, Richards Wilkins the Third. I saw that gesture. You see me after graduation.

Mayor Wilkins: Well, what a day this is! Special day. Today is our centennial, the one-hundredth anniversary of the founding of Sunnydale, and I know what that mean to all you kids: not a darn thing. Because today something much more important happens. Today you all graduate from high school. Today all the pain, all the work, all the excitement is finally over. And what's a hundred years of history compared to that? You know what, kids?
Buffy: Oh my God. He's going to do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil!
Mayor Wilkins: ... for all of you it may be that there is a place in Sunnydale's history, whether you like it or not. It's been a long road getting here. For you. For Sunnydale. There was been achievement, joy, good times. And there has been grief. There's been loss. Some people who should be here today... aren't. But we are. Journeys end. And what is a journey? Is it just.. distance travelled? Time spent? No. It's what happens on the way, it's the things that shape you. At the end of the journey you're not the same. Today is about change. Graduation doesn't just mean your circumstances change, it means you do. You ascend... to a higher level. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.
Mayor Wilkins: It has begun. My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected. I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish!

Snyder: This is not orderly... this is not disciplined... you're on my campus, Buddy, and when I say I want quiet I mean... [the Mayor eats him]

Buffy: Hey! You remember this? I took it from Faith. Stuck it in her gut. Just slid it in her like she was butter. You want to get it back from me... Dick?

Oz: Guys. Take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.