Cheers (TV series)

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A man in love is like a clipped coupon—it's time to cash in.
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Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town. The show also spawned the character Frasier Crane, who went on to a TV show of his own, Frasier, after Cheers ended.

Tagline: Where everybody knows your name.


Contents

Season 1

Give Me a Ring Sometime [1.1]

Diane: [repeating a message for Sam] "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
Sam: Thanks. What's the message?

Coach: Norm, you're in here every night, doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at?
Norm: Wonders... doesn't care, but she wonders.

Sam's Women [1.2]

Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.
Diane: Because of me?
Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.
Diane: A snob!
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.
Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.
Sam: Good because you are.

Sam: You know, I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say, 'Whew!'

The Tortelli Tort [1.3]

Diane: Hi doctor.
Dr. Graham: Hi Diane. How are you?
Diane: In what sense?
Dr. Graham: Pardon me?
Diane: Oh you mean how are you, right. Not you know how are you. Well if that's what you meant, I'm fine.

Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major.
Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.

Sam at Eleven [1.4]

Diane: I'm sorry I was late, Sam. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Sam: Yeah, yeah but you wouldn't.

Coach: How's life treating you Norm?
Norm: Like I ran over its dog.

Coach's Daughter [1.5]

Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
Coach: Nothing is ever obvious to me.

Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.
Coach: You look just like your mother.
Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.
Coach: Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

Any Friend of Diane's [1.6]

Diane: Rebecca, is there something wrong?
Rebecca Prout: [sobbing] Oh Diane, you could always see beyond my facade of gaiety!

Diane: You're offended because she thought you were a scum bag?
Sam: No. I actually like that.

Friends, Romans, Accountants [1.7]

Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?
Norm: It started getting too rowdy.
Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.

Diane: You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.
Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?
...
Sam: [to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Truce or Consequences [1.8]

Diane: What could happen?
Sam: Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.

Diane: Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.
Carla: I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

Coach Returns to Action [1.9]

Coach: It's the damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.
Diane: Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
Coach: Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.

Endless Slumper [1.10]

Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.

Diane: [talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?
Sam: Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.
Diane: But you can hardly charge a buck for it.

One for the Book [1.11]

Norm: [about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?
Carla: [about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Buzz: What if I bought this guy a beer?
Norm: Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips.

The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One [1.12]

Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.
Norm: We never go beyond this room.

Carla: [to Eric] You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.

Now Pitching, Sam Malone [1.13]

Diane: Sam, let's talk.
Sam: There's nothing to talk about.
Diane: It's important. Come back to the office now.
Carla: Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.
Everyone in the bar: [chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....

Sam: Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.

Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]

Diane: Did you ever have a pet?
Coach: You mean like an animal?

Coach: What's going on, Norm?
Norm: Science is seeking a cure for thirst and I happen to be the guinea pig.

Father Knows Last [1.15]

Cliff: Carla made love to a PhD from MIT.
Coach: Hey look you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.

Norm: Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.
Coach: Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.
Carla: Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.

The Boys in the Bar [1.16]

Sam: [about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?
Diane: Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.
Cliff: That's good.

Carla: [about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.
Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Diane's Perfect Date [1.17]

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: That's that sudzy amber stuff, right? Been hearing good things about it.

Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Diane: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?

No Contest [1.18]

Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?

Diane: I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.
Sam: Come on, don't feel so bad. Most people would have done it for the dry cleaning.

Pick a Con... Any Con [1.19]

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.

Coach: Let me give the sign.
Sam: I don't know, isn't it kinda tricky?
George: Well, he is the last person Harry would suspect to be in on anything clever.

Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]

Coach: My friends call me 'Coach', but my other nickname is 'Red'.
Helen: Why? Because your hair used to be red?
Coach: No, because I read a book.

Coach: What'll it be Norm?
Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.
Coach: How about a beer?
Norm: Even better.

Showdown - Part 1 [1.21]

Carla: Hey Sam, you want me to hang around until your date gets here.
Sam: No, you probably want to get on home.
Carla: Are you kiddin'? It's two a.m., my kids might be there.

Sam: Listen I think you and Derek will make a great match.
Diane: Really?
Sam: Yeah, you both think you're perfect and none of you is right.

Showdown - Part 2 [1.22]

Diane: Nobody is swept away when they have the presence of mind to say 'maybe we should kiss'.

Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!
Diane: You, Sam Malone are the most arrogant self centered son-of-a...
Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!
Diane: Make me!
Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?
Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More!
[they kiss]

Season 2

Power Play [2.1]

Cliff: The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Coach: Like Colorado?
Cliff: No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.
Norm: [chuckling] Last time around, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

Diane: You've been with a lot of women.
Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.
Diane: How many have there been?
Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun— [Diane gasps] Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

Little Sister Don't Cha [2.2]

Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
Norm: She has to like you, right?

Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Personal Business [2.3]

Sam: First of all nobody resigns from a bar and second of all nobody resigns in Latin.
Cliff: It's French, Sammy.

Coach: Would you like a beer, Norm?
Norm: I'd like to see something in a size 54 sudzy.

Homicidal Ham [2.4]

Diane: [about Andy Andy] We, mostly I, can save this man's life.

[Andy is strangling Diane, dressed as characters from "Othello".]
Diane: Help, this psycho is trying to kill me!
Coach: That's the only line from Shakespeare I ever understood!

Sumner's Return [2.5]

Coach:[about War and Peace] Forget it Sam, no one can read four ounces a day.

Diane: You didn't shave.
Sam: Oh no no. I needed a new place to scratch.

Affairs of the Heart [2.6]

Cliff: I'll go with you I know CPR.
Norm: I'll go, I'm a CPA.

Sam: [Calling Carla in a hotel room, worried Hank may die if he's allowed to have sex with her] What should I say?
Norm: Ask her to look next to her and count the dead people.

Old Flames [2.7]

Diane: Sam, if brains were money you'd have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.

Sam: Coach, I'm having blackouts!
Coach: Kinda nice break in the day, isn't it, Sam?

Manager Coach [2.8]

Coach: What's the point of winning if you can't humiliate the other team?

Diane: Coach has lost his sweet disposition. he's turned into a tyrant.
Sam: Yeah, but he's winning Diane and winning is the most important thing here.
Diane: Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
Sam: Well good then, you won't mind losing this argument.
Diane: Over my dead body.
Sam: Hey, don't bring last night into this.

They Called Me Mayday [2.9]

Sam: Coach, we don't want to be bothered.
Coach: Who does?

Sam: Somebody wants you at another table.
Diane: Who?
Sam: Everybody at this one.

How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Call You Back [2.10]

Cliff: [trying to scratch a bikini off a card] There's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.
Norm: Story of your life, big guy.

Diane: [to Sam] When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you're just clearing your throat.

Just Three Friends [2.11]

Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience: saying 'No' to women. The closest I've come is 'Not now, we're landing.'

Just Three Friends [2.12]

[Diane enters Cheers with a friend.]
Diane: This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.
Carla: Meet her this morning?

Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience saying no to women. The closest I've come is "Not now, we're landing."

Where There's a Will [2.13]

Sam: This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.
Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?
Sam: No, it's English.
Diane: In your case that qualifies.

Guy: You must have a high threshold for pain.
Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Guy: Pretty tough guy there, huh?
Norm: No, no he doesn't know what threshold means.

Battle of the Exes [2.14]

Carla: I know everything about you, Malone.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Sam: Right across the board. You do know me.
Carla: A lot better than you know me.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.
Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.
Sam: I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.
Carla: What?
Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.
Carla: Who squealed on me?!

Diane: I thought you were seeing someone.
Carla: His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.

No Help Wanted [2.15]

Diane: You know Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb.

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

And Coachie Makes Three [2.16]

Coach: How about tellers? You take tellers. They never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to the tables. What kind of trust is that?

Carla: When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Cliff's Rocky Moment [2.17]

Sam: [on the phone] Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower: the Mountain Lilly or the Black-Eyed Susan?

Cliff: It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?
Norm: What?
Cliff: Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Fortune and Men's Weight [2.18]

Sam: It's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

Coach: What's your most troublesome problem, Norm?
Norm: Well that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I've never been happier.

Snow Job [2.19]

Coach: Beer, Normy?
Norm: Coach, I don't know. I'll have one next week... what the heck I'm young.

Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

Coach Buries a Grudge [2.20]

Diane: Coach, come on. You have to find a way to put this behind you. Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.
Norm: Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.
Cliff: Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

Norman's Conquest [2.21]

Carla: Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?
Diane: We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

Cliff: Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.

I'll Be Seeing You - Part 1 [2.22]

Phillip: That's the face I've been looking for.
Diane: Sorry, I'm still using it. I could let you visit it on weekends.

Norm: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.

I'll Be Seeing You - Part 2 [2.23]

Diane: Oh my God Sam, I've made you a babbling idiot.
Sam: Who are you calling a babbling idiot?
Diane: You don't have to get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.
Sam: You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor let me criticize me for awhile. You're sickening.

Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat braying ass?
Sam: No.
Diane: The fat braying ass would.
Sam: Speaking of fat braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours!
[Diane slaps Sam, he slaps her back]
Diane: How dare you slap me?
[Diane slaps Sam again, he slaps her back again]
Diane: Don't you ever hit me again!
Sam: Like hell.
[They carry on slapping each other]

Season 3

Rebound - Part 1 [3.1]

Coach: What will it be, Normy?
Norm: A transfusion with a head on it.

Sam: I didn't start drinking when she left, I was celebrating. [to Diane] Celebrating the day I got rid of you. You hear that everybody?
Everyone: Celebrating.
Diane: Well let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.
Sam: Just one more time: you did not walk out of here. I kicked you out and I would do it again except that no man deserves that much pleasure in one's life.

Rebound - Part 2 [3.2]

Diane: Oh Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.
Frasier: What?! No no no no no no. Listen as Frasier Crane M.D. I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane Man I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.

Sam: I could get out of prison after twelve years, serve on an all male ship for another four and be dropped on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters day after day and if one day Diane walked out of the surf naked, all I'd want from her is the hockey scores.
Diane: And you wouldn't even get that!

I Call Your Name [3.3]

Sam: Is there anything I can do?
Diane: No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.
Carla: He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Carla: [Eddie's] got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?
Coach: Terrific
Carla: Well go ahead. I'll cover for ya.
Coach: Hot Dog!
Carla: Some luck, huh Eddie?
Eddie: Well I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.
Carla: You might if you're nice to him.

Fairy Tales Can Come True [3.4]

Diane: I haven't had such a good time since uh....
Sam: That's okay. I know when you stopped having a good time, Diane.
Diane: It goes without saying I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.
Sam: Me too.

Coach: Boy Doc, you tell great stories.
Frasier: That was Poe.
Coach: Don't be modest, it was great.

Sam Turns the Other Cheek [3.5]

Carla: What a night. Two hundred bucks in tips.
Coach: What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?
Carla: I am going to spend it all on my kids.
Coach: Good girl.
Carla: How many gunny sacks and one way tickets do you think it will buy?

Diane: It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam: There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.
Norm: [to Cliff] He's added one.

Coach in Love - Part 1 [3.6]

Carla: You know I don't ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.

Sam: Coach, I'm gonna be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm lookin' for in a woman.
Diane: What's that? Break-away clothes?

Coach in Love - Part 2 [3.7]

Sam: You heard from Irene?
Coach: Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?
Sam: No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.

Cliff: [about women] They're only good for one thing.
Carla: And for you, not even that.

Diane Meets Mom [3.8]

Hester Crane: [referring to Diane] I understand you used to date that woman.
Sam: That's right.
Hester: How much would it take to start things up again?
Sam: You don't have enough money.
Hester: How do you know?
Sam: There isn't enough money.

Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normy?
Norm: Going down?

An American Family [3.9]

Carla: Nick, what the hell do you want?
Nick: Hey, is that the kind of hello I deserve?
Carla: No, bend over and I'll give it to you.

Nick: I need a simple favor.
Carla: Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Diane's Allergy [3.10]

Sam: I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.
Diane: Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who who has to write "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.

Sam: Isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?
Diane: No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Peterson Crusoe [3.11]

Norm: Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.
Cliff: Oh, yeah?
Norm: A lot more, I might add.
Cliff: Is that right, Marco Rollo?
Norm: Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.
Cliff: Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!
Norm: Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!
Cliff: Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Diane: [about Carla] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.
Sam: You do have that effect on people.

A Ditch in Time [3.12]

Diane: [about Amanda] Maybe I'm being an alarmist. She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.
Carla: You're out.

Diane: You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.
Sam: I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.
Diane: I don't think you dumped me.
Sam: Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.
Cliff: Yeah, he's got six.

Whodunit? [3.13]

Diane: Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.
Carla: There's some things he doesn't know about me.
Diane: Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?
Carla: Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.
Diane: What haven't you told him about your kids?
Carla: That they live.

Sam: There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.
Frasier: Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.
Sam: You're dating a barmaid.
Frasier: Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
Sam: Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.

The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter [3.14]

Carla: How come you're not going on that fishing trip, Coach?
Coach: I don't like the smell of them.
Carla: Yeah, fish stink.
Coach: No, the guys. Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck. Who needs it?

[the gang took Frasier on a snipe hunt; he returns and wants them to go out again; Diane takes him into the office]
Diane: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.
Frasier: I know that.
Diane: What?
Frasier: Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.
Diane: So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.
Frasier: Yes.
Diane: Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?
Frasier: Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.
Diane: Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
Frasier: No, but it's what guys do, darling… we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

King of the Hill [3.15]

Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

[The guys in the bar are ogling the Playboy models]
Diane: Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?
Coach: Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.
Diane: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?
Carla: You.

Teacher's Pet [3.16]

Coach: [about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time — he sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane: Miss Purdy?
Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.
Diane: And Sam is her favorite?
Coach: Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane: They kiss?
Coach: Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane: With probing tongues?
Coach: No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.

Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.
Carla: Your Living Bra died of boredom?

The Mail Goes to Jail [3.17]

Cliff: As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
Carla: You mean there's something that wants to?

[To help a sick Cliff, Norm offers to deliver the rest of the mail on Cliff's route]
Cliff: Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.
Norm: What qualified? You drop ‘em in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff: You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan – chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...

Bar Bet [3.18]

[A "Jacqueline Bisset" is coming to Boston; Sam needs her to marry him to win the bet]
Sam: I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice – my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?
Diane: An anthill.

Carla: Hey, wait. I got an idea.
Diane: You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.
Carla: Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Behind Every Great Man [3.19]

Norm: Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".
Cliff: Bef? No, you mean beef.
Norm: Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic – what – meat-like substance.
Cliff: Ah, no.
Norm: What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

Diane: Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.
Frasier: Hmm.
Diane: Hmm, what?
Frasier: Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.
Diane: Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.
Frasier: Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!

If Ever I Would Leave You [3.20]

Diane: Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.
Nick: Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?
Frasier: I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's fair?
Nick: No, but you're not the first person to ask me.

Nick: [about Carla being pregnant] Hey you got a guy, Carla?
Carla: No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.

The Executive's Executioner [3.21]

Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: It looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mr. Lucky.

Norm: [Commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you too mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?
Carla: Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?

Cheerio, Cheers [3.22]

Frasier: Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.
Sam: Europe? Overseas?
Diane: Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Sam: Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-
Diane: When did we ever travel?
Sam: Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.
Diane: Well it helps that you knew the language.

The Bartender's Tale [3.23]

Sam: Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?
Cliff: And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Diane: Oh, Frasier, a letter from Cheers. No, wait... it's a Lillian Huxley's resume and a note: "Ha, ha! You're out of here forever!" Always nice to hear from Carla.

The Belles of St. Clete's [3.24]

Cliff: There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.
Carla: Yeah go ahead and faint.

Diane: I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?
Sam: You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.

Rescue Me [3.25]

Cliff: I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.
Carla: Gee and you're such a whiz with people.

Sam: Well do you think I should go through with this?
Norm: I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.
Sam: I'm goin'.
Norm: That's what I'd do.

Season 4

Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]

Woody Goes Belly Up [4.2]

Someday My Prince Will Come [4.3]

The Groom Wore Clearasil [4.4]

Diane's Nightmare [4.5]

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday [4.6]

2 Good 2 Be 4 Real [4.7]

Love Thy Neighbor [4.8]

From Beer to Eternity [4.9]

The Bar Stoolie [4.10]

Don Juan Is Hell [4.11]

Fools and Their Money [4.12]

Take My Shirt... Please? [4.13]

Suspicion [4.14]

The Triangle [4.15]

Cliffie's Big Score [4.16]

Second Time Around [4.17]

The Peterson Principle [4.18]

Dark Imaginings [4.19]

Save the Last Dance for Me [4.20]

Fear Is My Co-Pilot [4.21]

Diane Chambers Day [4.22]

Relief Bartender [4.23]

Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 [4.24]

Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]

Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]

Season 5

The Proposal [5.1]

Diane: Sam?
Sam: Did you notice that?
Diane: Notice what?
Sam: Everything just got calm.
Diane: I don't notice any difference.
Sam: Oh, yes yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.

[on small fishing boat]
Diane: Am I going overboard again?
Sam: No, no no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye Diane.
Diane: Where are you going?
Sam: I'm going to swim ashore.
Diane: You can't do that.
Sam: Very well, I’ll take the dingey. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.
Diane: You're going to just leave me out here all alone?
Sam: Yes I am.

The Cape Cad [5.2]

Money Dearest [5.3]

Abnormal Psychology [5.4]

House of Horrors with Formal Training and Used Brick [5.5]

Tan 'N' Wash [5.6]

Young Dr. Weinstein [5.7]

Knights of the Scimitar [5.8]

Thanksgiving Orphans [5.9]

Everyone Imitates Art [5.10]

The Book of Samuel [5.11]

Dance, Diane, Dance [5.12]

Chambers vs. Malone [5.13]

Diamond Sam [5.14]

Spellbound [5.15]

Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 [5.16]

Never Love a Goalie: Part 2 [5.17]

One Last Fling [5.18]

Dog Bites Cliff [5.19]

Dinner at Eight-ish [5.20]

Frasier: [to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.

[Diane and Lilith are in the bathroom arguing]
Frasier: I should have done this earlier.
Sam: What are you doing? [Frasier locks the bathroom from the outside]
Lilith: What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing. Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?
Diane: Sam, open the door.
[Fraiser offers Sam a cigar]
Frasier: Maceneudo?
Sam: Don't mind if I do, thank you.
Frasier: You know I can't stand all this caterwauling let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I Claudius on tape.
Sam: Great, I love gladiator flicks.

Simon Says [5.21]

[Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]
Simon: [sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.
Frasier: [sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.
Both: [sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.
Woody: Sam should I call the police?
Frasier: No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.
Simon: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

The Godfather: Part 3 [5.22]

Norm's First Hurrah [5.23]

Cheers: The Motion Picture [5.24]

A House Is Not a Home [5.25]

I Do, Adieu [5.26]

Season 6

Home Is the Sailor [6.1]

'I' on Sports [6.2]

Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 [6.3]

Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 [6.4]

The Crane Mutiny [6.5]

Paint Your Office [6.6]

The Last Angry Mailman [6.7]

Bidding on the Boys [6.8]

Pudd'n Head Boyd [6.9]

A Kiss Is Still a Kiss [6.10]

My Fair Clavin [6.11]

Christmas Cheers [6.12]

Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes [6.13]

And God Created Woodman [6.14]

Tale of Two Cuties [6.15]

Yacht of Fools [6.16]

To All the Girls I've Loved Before [6.17]

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie [6.18]

Airport V [6.19]

The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit [6.20]

Our Hourly Bread [6.21]

Slumber Party Massacred [6.22]

Bar Wars [6.23]

The Big Kiss-Off [6.24]

Backseat Becky, Up Front [6.25]

Season 7

How to Recede in Business [7.1]

Swear to God [7.2]

Executive Sweet [7.3]

One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape [7.4]

Those Lips, Those Ice [7.5]

Norm, Is That You? [7.6]

How to Win Friends and Electrocute Yourself [7.7]

Jumping Jerks [7.8]

Send in the Crane [7.9]

Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back [7.10]

Adventures in Housesitting [7.11]

Please Mr. Postman [7.12]

Golden Boyd [7.13]

I Kid You Not [7.14]

Don't Paint Your Chickens [7.15]

The Cranemakers [7.16]

Hot Rocks [7.17]

What's Up, Doc? [7.18]

The Gift of the Woodi [7.19]

Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]

Sisterly Love [7.21]

The Visiting Lecher [7.22]

Season 8

The Improbable Dream: Part 1 [8.1]

The Improbable Dream: Part 2 [8.2]

A Bar Is Born [8.3]

How to Marry a Mailman [8.4]

The Two Faces of Norm [8.5]

The Stork Brings a Crane [8.6]

Death Takes a Holiday on Ice [8.7]

For Real Men Only [8.8]

Two Girls for Every Boyd [8.9]

The Art of the Steal [8.10]

Feeble Attraction [8.11]

Sam Ahoy [8.12]

Sammy and the Professor [8.13]

What is... Cliff Clavin? [8.14]

Alex Trebek: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
Alex: [Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?
Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone, Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.

Sam: The man's gone through my entire list of babes. First the A's, then the B's, all the way through the G's. Where's he gonna strike next?
Frasier: The H's?
Woody: That's good work, Dr. Crane, you gotta think like a criminal.
Frasier: Or just someone acquainted with our alphabet.

Finally!: Part 1 [8.15]

Finally!: Part 2 [8.16]

Woody or Won't He [8.17]

Severe Crane Damage [8.18]

Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby [8.19]

Fifty-Fifty Carla [8.20]

Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]

Loverboyd [8.22]

The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec [8.23]

Mr. Otis Regrets [8.24]

Cry Hard [8.25]

Cry Harder [8.26]

Season 9

Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing [9.1]

Cheers Fouls Out [9.2]

Rebecca Redux [9.3]

Where Nobody Knows Your Name [9.4]

Ma Always Liked You Better [9.5]

Grease [9.6]

Breaking in Is Hard to Do [9.7]

Bad Neighbor Sam [9.8]

Veggie-Boyd [9.9]

Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure [9.10]

Woody Interruptus [9.11]

Honor Thy Mother [9.12]

Achilles Hill [9.13]

The Days of Wine and Neuroses [9.14]

Wedding Bell Blues [9.15]

I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face [9.16]

Sam Time Next Year [9.17]

Crash of the Titans [9.18]

It's a Wonderful Wife [9.19]

Cheers Has Chili [9.20]

Carla Loves Clavin [9.21]

Pitch It Again, Sam [9.22]

Rat Girl [9.23]

Home Malone [9.24]

Uncle Sam Wants You [9.25]

Season 10

Baby Balk [10.1]

Get Your Kicks on Route 666 [10.2]

Madame LaCarla [10.3]

The Norm Who Came to Dinner [10.4]

Ma's Little Maggie [10.5]

Unplanned Parenthood [10.6]

Bar Wars V: The Final Judgement [10.7]

Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? [10.8]

Head Over Hill [10.9]

A Fine French Whine [10.10]

I'm Okay, You're Defective [10.11]

Go Make [10.12]

Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist [10.13]

No Rest for the Woody [10.14]

My Son, the Father [10.15]

One Hugs, the Other Doesn't [10.16]

A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff [10.17]

License to Hill [10.18]

Rich Man, Wood Man [10.19]

Smotherly Love [10.20]

Take Me Out of the Ball Game [10.21]

Rebecca's Lover... Not [10.22]

Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real [10.23]

Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! [10.24]

An Old-Fashioned Wedding [10.25]

Season 11

The Little Match Girl [11.1]

The Beer Is Always Greener [11.2]

The King of Beers [11.3]

The Magnificent Six [11.4]

Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman [11.5]

Teaching with the Enemy [11.6]

The Girl in the Plastic Bubble [11.7]

Ill-Gotten Gaines [11.8]

Feelings... Whoa, Whoa, Whoa [11.9]

Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl [11.10]

Love Me, Love My Car [11.11]

Sunday Dinner [11.12]

Norm's Big Audit [11.13]

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Bar [11.14]

Loathe and Marriage [11.15]

Is There a Doctor in the Howe? [11.16]

The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover [11.17]

The Last Picture Show [11.18]

Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey [11.19]

Look Before You Sleep [11.20]

Woody Gets an Election [11.21]

It's Lonely on the Top [11.22]

Rebecca Gaines, Rebecca Loses [11.23]

The Guy Can't Help It [11.24]

One for the Road [11.25]

Sam: Sorry, we're closed. [Last line of the series]

External links

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